#not knowing whats been said about me and not knowing if ppl secretly think im horrid and just wont say anything to me about it

[puppyeared]

adhd comix

#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired #like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability #and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors #i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working #isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol #if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you #need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid #im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher #to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll #go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms #AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis #theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were #comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run #and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make #a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!! #im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need #to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh #yapping #vent

[arrowpunk]

I am beating myself over the head with a rolled up newspaper trying to get my brain to stop being paranoid and inherently suspicious of everyone.

Just because people have been terrible to me in the past and treated me like shit and only cared about me because I provided something to them does not mean Everyone I meet is like that! Friendship is a good and wonderful thing!!!! Just because I was bad at picking friends and people have taken advantage of me and my kindness does not mean everyone I will meet just wants to use and take advantage of me!

I hate how inherently suspicious I've become and I don't want to be this way but I am also so so so afraid of being hurt in the same ways again. Because there isn't much that hurts more than finding out that people you trusted and had been friends with sometimes for multiple years, only cared about you insofar as you were useful to them in some way. And then treat you like shit and toss you to the curb as soon as you are no longer capable of providing whatever it is they were using you for.

And this has happened to me... A good few times. And I feel so blind and stupid every time and it's just!!!!! Fucked me up!!! And I don't know how to recover and stop being inherently afraid of befriending people and loving people and pouring my time and effort and heart and soul into people.

#ramblings of an arrow #aaaaaaaaaaugh #I know that not everyone is like those people #its just so so so scary when the most recent person was someone I trusted sooooooo much #until suddenly the other shoe dropped #and its just that the most recent one was so scary and is still scary because they said things to other ppl I had been friends with #who just very suddenly with no warning turned around and treated me as if I was the devil incarnate #when I had literally no idea what Id done #AND STILL DONT #and im trying so so so hard not to be paranoid #but Im still so afraid itll happen again #and that people wont even try to get my perspective on things and drop me with no warning and say scathing things if I ask about it #because its happened before #and I know some ppl Im still friends with still interact at least somewhat with some of these ppl #and thats fine they can do what they want! #most ppl dont even really know what happened #but its. terrifying on my end sometimes #not knowing whats been said about me and not knowing if ppl secretly think im horrid and just wont say anything to me about it #and it makes trusting new people and trying to make new friends so fucking terrifying #because what if it turns out like that Again #what if I am a Fool again #they say no love is wasted but there really are some ppl that I used to love that I wish I had never met and never trusted and never lovef #and if I could erase the impact we had on each others lives I would in a fucking heartbeat and feel no remorse #because in the end they only made me a worse person and I only enabled their shitty behavior for way too long #and I wish I never met them because I still cant think of a single good thing that actually came from knowing them #im a worse paranoid scared suspicious person because of it and Im afraid of making new friends and I HATE being afraid to care about ppl

[enzoarweq]

(im talking about the characters q!, not the cc!)

imo no one else seems to understand the landduo/foolhalo relationship is much much deeper than "he's a friend who annoys me and i love to annoy him" or "they are secretly in love" in fact i might be as bold as to say NO ONE does till this day. which is pretty funny how they understand and notice the littlest things about each other but no one can see their deep bond despite that... tho to be fair Bad has said multiple times that he praises Foolish till high heaven from his skills, smarts, to his good looks but he would never ever admit it or say it to his face. (he RARELY does actually so when it happens, we all cheer and die) same for foolish.

Jaiden, who is probably one of the closest to Foolish rn said recently no one else takes Foolish srsly or that they are like outcasts of the island or that no one cares for Leo (para). and im like um theres literally Bad who cares a lot for Foolish and Leo. and has said multiple times that he is much more intelligent than ppl have granted him to be (but ofc she doesn't know, she doesn't know the early moments where they would hang out together almost all the time, constant banter, she doesn't know of THE convo where Bad literally for his advice and was treating and talking to him like two gamemasters in equal footing talking about the games they will play, she doesn't know should anything happen to Bad, he left Dapper in Foolish's care, Foolish constantly leaves Leo in Bad's care, she doesn't know that Leo loves and adores his Tio Bad, she doesn't know a lot of their "true hidden" relationship/sides, she doesn't know how easy Foolish can read Bad like an open book like that mine roulette game which i think she participated but not when both bad and foolish were playing iirc etc etc) not to mention theres also Roier who cares a lot for Leo and vice versa and constantly thinks about her (but this post about foolhalo so i digress)

There was also that moment with Bagi and Tubbo where they were like go ahead and cage Foolish or smtg. like daring Bad to do it. Bad was like aww thats no fun, its boring (cuz yk theres no song and dance, theres no arguing back n forth, it was just that). so when foolish shows up and bad was like hey could u step in ig *shrugs* Foolish was like urgh ok ig. I still remember Bagi's and Tubbos reaction, they were like mildly surprised. like ok what now. Bagi then said to Foolish, hey Bad is insane. Foolish then replied, yeah i fcking knew that already (in a so what tone) and again, Bagi seemed slightly taken aback. Tubbo then went on a rant about them being in love or smtg idk.

or the time when Bad would make a torture chamber for Foolish which he willingly went along cuz why not. and ppl were making angst about it as if Foolish didn't just walk into the torture chamber willingly to play a fun torture game with Bad smh.

also the time when Foolish was hiding his hurt over Leo's absence but Bad knew deep inside he feels deeply. that time where Foolish will run away from everyone else when confronted about his feelings but finally stood silently besides Bad in comfort, instead of a hug. (wasn't Jaiden there for that?)

--

theres soooo many foolhalo landduo moments where so many fans just blatantly ignore, like they have selective memory. genuinely confuses me everytime, like are we even watching the same POV.

theres also a lot of moments where ppl were gen mad at bad for the pranks n shit, like its 2023 ppl, we've been thru with this already in dsmp, do better pls. (ik them be new fans but still urgh)

#qsmp #q!badboyhalo #q!foolish #landduo #foolhalo #rambling

[asteroidzzzn]

more than just a dream - spark, 004

pairing: college!ellie x reader

synopsis: you transfer to a new school where you only know one person; your childhood best friend. he invited you to a beginning of the year party to meet some new people, but one person, in particular, catches your eye... his other best friend.

a/n: dina bonding time!

genre: social media au, fluff

series masterlist -- previous chapter -- next chapter

bria 🧚

hey!

dina 💋

hi whats up? :)

bria 🧚

im bored and everyone else went out but i dont feel like drinking rn..

can i come over?

i know the two of us arent super close but this could be our chance to bond outside the group 🤞🤞

dina 💋

omg ofc!! i was feeling the same i just wanted to chill and stay in today 😭 but ya come over whenever

bria 🧚 ❤️ a message

we can watch mission impossible if ur into that!

only if u bring snacks...

bria 🧚

U HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IVE BEEN WANTING TO SEE THATTTT OK im omw now ill put the best i have in a bag 🙏 cya!!

dina 💋 ❤️ a message

bria 🧚

hey dina, sorry i had to leave right away

i have to study for the first unit test later today

wish i didn't, this is so boring

how are u?

dina 💋

im fine

good

im good im great actually

but i really think we should talk about it

what happened last night

bria 🧚

later, ok?

sorry

i need to go right now stepping into class

dina 💋

oh ok, bye :)

dina woodward

hi y/n im literally going insane r u free to talk

y/n

omfg 😭 whats going on

dina woodward

you'll never believe what happened last night

y/n

ughhh i wish i was there! sorry i wanted to stay in to get some sleep, i have a test next period

dina woodward

oh no worries i actually stayed in too so this isnt ab the outing

do u know who bria volentas is?

y/n

yeah i do!

shes really nice ill sit next to her in history in a few minutes actually

dina woodward

oh 😭😭😭 i wanted to talk to u ab this bc i thought u were the only one in the group that didnt really know her

can u keep a secret? just need to get this off my chest

y/n

u can trust me :)

dina woodward

sooo... ive had a crush on her since the dawn of time

y/n !! a message

and we hung out last night alone!!

y/n

!!AWEEE yall will be so cute together i can see it now

dina woodward ❤️ a message

also im so glad u said that bc i wasnt ab to be the one to com eout first 😭😭

dina woodward !! a message

dina woodward

YOUW AHT?!?!?!?!?!?

i didnt wanna assume but i secretly knew.........

y/n haha a message

y/n

🤝🤝🤝

OKOK GET ON W UR STORY

dina woodward

we were watching mission impossible bc ellie ditched me (i wont forget) and she goes 'im cold' so bc shes the actual loml i let her under my blanket

y/n

awwww

dina woodward

then our feet kinda touched then our hands kinda touched and we were getting rlly close... then we fucked

y/n

AHH????

that went from 0 to 100 sO FAST

dina woodward

I KNOW LIKE IMS TILL SO IN SHOCK RN

y/n

SO YGS ARENT TOGETHER YET THO?? HAVE U TALKED AB IT ALL??? FYB? ONE TIME THING?

dina woodward

IDKK I HAVE NO IDEA

this is the average wlw experience i say while dry heaving and crawling onto the roof and howling

y/n ❤️ a message

y/n

LMFAOOO it literally is tho we have it so difficult

dina woodward

HELPPP ME AND BRIA ARE IN CHAT RN BUT WE'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING

SPEAK UP WOMANNN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

i said i wanted to talk ab last night and she was so avoidant so she BETTER say something rn

y/n

yall rn

lurking in chat.....

dina woodward

😭😭😭

i need to be distracted rn

eye starts twitching

tell me smth thats going on w u

y/n

ok u trusted me w ur crush so i can trust u w mine right..

dina woodward

ofc ofc

y/n

so u know her actually like really well from what i know

BLEEEH I HATE TELLING PPL I LIKE THEIR FRIENDS

is ellie williams gay..

dina woodward

take a look at her what do u think

yes she is gay! AND U LEIWFAGJEDFANJ YOU LIKE HER??

y/n ❤️ a message

y/n

angels harmonize and descend from heaven

BLESSS 🙏🙏

yes i like her... i think. its been hard to like anyone since my last relationship but im feeling rlly hopeful about us

im heavily delusional tho she was prob just being friendly when we hung out

dina woodward

she recently broke up w her ex too, and shes been kinda staying away from relationships :(

ur amazing tho youd be so good for her

if she acts like a bitch to u ONCE run

y/n

damn jesse warned me ab her too 😭 what happened with her and her ex? if u know or if ur ok with telling me

i know its not really my business

i just wanna know what lines i cant cross

dina woodward ❤️ a message

dina woodward

yeah i totally get it

i actually dont know all the details

i think she only told jesse bc theyre way closer than me and her

if u want to know everything, id ask him or get it from ellie herself

just get closer with her and she'll tell u everything, and u can decide what to do from there

y/n

ok , thats a good idea

ill just use my amazing charm and incredible beauty to captivate her in chemistry

dina woodward ❤️ a message

dina woodward

HEHEHEHE

speaking of,, she sucks at chemistry. u could get closer to her by tutoring her if youd be up for that?? shed appreciate it sooo much

y/n

#1 wingman award is presented toooooo dina woodward!

dina woodward ❤️ a message

ill def talk to her ab that ill be like heyyy u need help 💋

shit gtg now, test time!

dina woodward

good luck!! with the test and ellie🙏

y/n ❤️ a message

a/n: a lot longer than the last chapter!! but i had a lot to say in this one :D love in the future for my girl dina!!! love to see it

hope u enjoyed as always (✿◠‿◠)

taglist: @ximtiredx @gold-dustwomxn @elliesinterlude @fireflyels @trulygnomed @deluluwh-0-re @toesorhoes @elliewilliamsmissingfingerss @emluvselandabs @ariianelle @jokerpokimoon @lonelyfooryouonly @lil-elliesgf @yuaaa05 @ourautumn86

#ellie williams #tlou game #ellie williams x reader #the last of us #tlou 2 #wlw #ellie williams fluff #tlou part 2 #jesse tlou #dina woodward #the last of us fanfiction #tlou smau #lesbian

[notyouraryang0dd3ss]

Thank you for creating this account, you are so brave.

Prefacing: I used to tolerate TS and her music when I was a teen and couldn't really avoid it. Now I'm 25 and I find her abhorrent as a human being.

(I'm not American and where I am from TS was never a Big Hit, unless we're talking 14 year old girls that eventually grow out of liking her. It's not entirely for a good reason, my country's a bit too conservative-brainwashed to like a self-proclained "girl boss" on a gov. level.)

Something that I noticed about that cult-like worship of that frankly boring woman is that most of the interesting shit about her is 1. made up 2. not about her music and I DO NOT understand how this is even considered a singer anymore.

Like, for example. A bunch of liberal queers like her because they take her bland music and fill it with their own meanings. Her lyrics are so soulless and boring and generic you can apply them to anything. You don't have to go listen to staples of quuer music like what drag queens, or queer women, or Black gay men create: because their music is visceral, it speaks onto real lived through opression that not everyone can relate to. But not with fucking TS! She writes the most TYPICAL line and a bunch of people assign some secret gay meaning to it. The amount of times I saw TS added to playlists for queer content is ridiculous. Like she wouldn't be half as popular if her music was regarded as what it is: straight white girl soliloquy.

The shit about her love life? Should not be fucking mentioned in regards to her as an artist. She's SO fucking fake. She will complain that people only see her as some girl who dates all those guys but she's the one fucking monetizing her love story. I'd understand if she didnt TRY TO but she fucking does! She knows she's bland and boring and she relies on people liking gossip enough to listen to her crap.

ok quick note when you said “liberal queers” it should be “queer liberals”. im assuming english isnt your first language so your native tongue has different grammatical rules but in this instance you put “queer” in front of “liberal.” i just don’t want you to be accused of being homophobic or anything so this is a quick note for you

you said you were 25 and everyone who’s been following this blog has been 20+ demographic in particular. i think it must be because we’re old enough to remember her entire journey starting w the 2009 kanye west mtv incident up until this moment. her staunchest swifties on here were born after the fearless release 💀

hmmmm i always wonder what people imply by Taylor Swift being a global superstar. like she’s isn’t popular in the entire continent of Africa but that doesn’t count apparently? and as much as she is popular in south asia, so much news is framed with a western perspective and all westerners think whiteness is default, and this includes taylor swift. i wouldnt be surprised if theyre inflating her popularity abroad as they are here in the states. idk

and so true! she’s known for her controversies and dating drama. even her music is known not for its success but ppl questioning the legitimacy of her grammys she’s received for her music.

also your gaylor hate—i understand. im not straight and i think gaylors were lobotomized by taylor swift’s music like genuinely these bitches have bricks for brains. there are soooooooo many better queer musicians especially musicians of color who write songs of their literal shared experience of queer love, identity, etc. but here they go theorizing that taylor seift and karlie kloss secretly dated 😭 it reminds me of this convo i had with my friend about gay people admiring/looking up to straight and cis people and labelling them as “gay icons.” its so stupid and reductive and continues to marginalize actual queer artists.

also talking abt taylor swift playlists i will never forget when i found spotify’s bad bunny x taylor swift playlist inspired by their photo from the 2023 grammys 💀 it was so dumb

“straight white girl soliloquy” PERIOD ANON! i need to start making a list of what you guys say cause its fkn fire

taylor swift embedded her relationships so deeply into her brand and music that its inseparable from herself. she really does define herself by her partners and her fans do too, which is why they expected this to be a joe alwyn album.

she really is so unoriginal and unremarkable and that’s why her thing WORKS. because to swifties she’s like “another everyday girl like you and me :)” 🙄 whatever. yuck!

#ask #anon #anti taylor swift #relationships #gaylors #taylor swift critical #anti swifties

[menalez]

I've been thinking lately about the women on here who claim that any woman who thought she was a lesbian and later realized she was bi was deliberately lying. I think it comes from a place of fear about being wrong about their sexuality. But that pressure and stigma they put out into the community about being wrong makes it harder for women who were wrong about themselves (in any direction or way...thinking you were bi but you're straight, bi but lesbian, lesbian but bi, etc) to come forward about it. And then I think that only makes their fear about being wrong even worse and perpetuates more of the nastiness.

Yeah, there's a chance that I'm wrong about being a lesbian and one day I will wake up and be attracted to a man I guess. I don't believe it will happen because I'm secure in my sexuality and don't take it out on others. But even if it did, it wouldn't make me a bad person and I also still wouldn't date a man because bi doesn't mean you have to date men. I'd just have to admit I was wrong and that can be hard but we don't have to make it harder. No one is perfect and the world can make figuring this all out harder because we don't live in a vacuum where sexuality, which should have no stigma attached to it and no oppression or privilege, is not a neutral thing in reality.

agreed with u here. we need to make it normal for ppl to admit to when they were wrong about their sexuality, instead of making it like a public spectacle and assuming the worst. im not saying there weren’t cases where ppl were simply lying, im sure there was, but there’s also cases of ppl genuinely being confused. i identified as bi for like 3 years (tho i was quiet for the first year, wasn’t sure how i felt about men throughout & for like the last year of it i was rly thinking that im actually a lesbian but wanted to be sure before i said anything) and it wasn’t some kind of malicious act. i wish sexuality could somehow be visible at times or sth so that we could know for a fact and never be wrong especially bc it’s so persecuted and doubted by homophobes & others but the reality is there’s nothing to really “prove” that kind of stuff. our sexuality is more or less internal and our understanding of it will change depending on our own thinking and awareness. this makes being wrong about it pretty possible. i run a lesbian-only server and there were many women who would have sexuality crises or would realise they’re bi (most were still young so it makes sense. i think it makes sense to be bi but feel so strongly about women that u only notice feelings for men between ages 18-22) and i talked to some of these women for years. iirc all of them have never been with men and didn’t realise they felt anything for them until a certain point. it can be scary esp when u confidently thought u were a lesbian for years and it’s difficult to accept as well after you’ve already gone thru the process of accepting urself as a lesbian. i believe they were honest about their situation and didn’t secretly know or sth. they were just young & inexperienced & that can happen. what matters to me is that the person who previously misidentified as a lesbian doesn’t then claim they “used to be a lesbian” or that sexuality can change. being mistaken is ok and shouldn’t be treated w such scrutiny & suspicion on here. instead being honest about it like that should be encouraged

#anonymous

[angstics]

it's always been interesting to me that the only thing seemingly "separating" the transgender truthing from the homosexual truthing, in terms of legitimate proof that someone who only knows gerard way through interviews and stage performance could provide, is the history of open gnc-ness. which doesn't really correlate to any kind of transgender identity but obviously i know why people choose to interpret it that way. (even then, the offstage dude kissing could and usually does fill an identical role in other peoples interpretation of gerard as being secretly gay so. shrug). but this time TRUST ME his performance art in solidarity with an oppressed queer group is ACTUALLY him being secretly trans. i try not to engage with any mass discourse events and find the she/her pronoun usage distasteful and just personally uncomfortable, so i dont directly encounter many people who even orbit this kind of discussion lol. im curious what you think about this comparison! and i apologize if anything was worded unclearly :)

this is a big can o worms! i like hearing your thoughts. there’s sooo many different readings on his identity and how the outfits factor into that.

it’s invasive but it’s not the same ethics as theorizing about a friend. understanding an artist is important to people. it’s part of being an artist which is normal but heavily contested. im always reminded of siken’s response to the student who wanted to learn more about his life to understand his poetry lol (he wasnt nice). why would it matter? authenticity, connection, need to label? there’s no universal or moral answer

anyhow back to gerard. the shift from homosexual to transgender truthing is funny! people didnt give up, they just concluded he’s unlabelled gay 😭 not from the on/off stage kissing (which were all performative) but from the tweetsss. “when people try to define your sexuality [morrissey picture]” and “why would i hide it if i was a Homosexual”. the affair conspiracies and gay music themes and general stereotypes probably aided that. whether the assumption is true or false makes no difference. the reasons behind why ppl even make the assumption are so intriguing to think about… but this is already too long.

the “trans truthing” is complicated bc it’s more personal to ppl. im not gonna create a boogeyman. ive seen all of this, some i align with some i dont. putting them in a list cuz it’s easier to read

ppl in my corner of the fandom are comfortable with calling him queer, nb, trans — from most to least common. all as umbrella terms. all to mean not-cis. justification is good ol FLAGGING. like getting an undercut to tell girls yr a dyke without needing to come out. i can expand on this thought process if wanted. ive seen this kinda labeling for YEARS

a lot of ppl i follow stop at gnc because that is the only visibly obvious option. and it’s the term The Advocate used for him in 2018 (tho we gotta note that he didnt self-id — the writer used the same principal of gnc being about presentation over id). the term is treated as if it were between cis and trans. or more accurately, not-cis not-trans.

ive noticed that old/ex fans or outsiders under my 30k cheerleader gifset see the dress as a coming out…? people of 1 and 2 chalk it under that history of gender nonconformity. it’s surprising but makes sense. i think that’s the function of said history

all the egg talk ive seen is on twitter among transfem ppl and tumblr posts in the wild. i searched “gerard way trans” and got so many tweets referencing kurt cobain. that is transfem business, not mine 😭

all this to say that i havent seen anyone in these circles insinuate he was Secretly trans. it’s the same as the gay assumption. it isnt about proving what reality is. just whatever individuals accept as their truth. lots of 1 ppl have said that if he suddenly came out as cis, their perception wouldnt change. i take that to mean bc the performance itself is the person and the performance they see is transgender.

i dont see how art and artist can be separated in performance. what other version of the artist are you getting? i dont know if anyone round here is talking about the couch sitting gerard way. like why would we 😭 even if one does, it’s under the perception of the performance we know. if we werent talking about the performance, we wouldnt even be talking about it. you wouldnt imagine your loved one watching tv. youd sit next to them. look at them. talk to them. YOU KNOW? like this whole debate on whether it’s invasive goes NOWHERE. we arent talking about someone who could be known. we are barely talking about the real person.

and he knows this because anyone with a Name becomes this. the real life person doesnt need defending. he needs respect. to me that means not harassing him, not digging into his private life, not speaking for him. the rest is what feels ok for me. if the environment is uncomfortable, all i can do is share why. which is why talking about it is important.

ill say, im fine with she/her-ing him. i know those arent his defined pronouns. i know i use them as a term of endearment and character-dedication. i know when to avoid them. i personally dont believe in rigid pronoun use. i don’t believe in there being a handbook of rules of what is or isnt rude (not to say there arent general rules). you learn person to person.

goes back to the Pursuit of Universal Morality. god i remember last year getting so mad at the trans labelling id leave tumblr to complain on twitter. but ive changed my tune to seeing the non-cis ambiguity. not because of Evidence but because i found comfort in that connection. i wasnt wrong then, am not wrong now.

it isnt really about him, it’s about what he says and does. which IMO he’s likely to accept as an artist.

so yeah. TLDR: posts that are like “how can you say he’s [cis/trans] if X?!” are really just stating their own perception. even if they uncritically believe what theyre saying is reality, it’s THEIR reality. there is no difference btwn “his performance art in solidarity with an oppressed queer group” and “him being secretly trans”.

#there’s a tldr if it’s too long. sorry for party rockin #ask #mcr #mcr queer studies

[daydreaming-scheming-demon]

how can people make friends so easily? how the fuck is it even possible to make a friend? or even do anything with anyone? i've heard stories of ppl who can just have casual sex with strangers and im just thinking, how the fuck is that possible? i can't even get someone to want to talk to me, the online world has been the only place where i even have a chance to hold a conversation.

i've listened to people's fucking advice on how to make friends and none of it works. they say "oh, well if u keep showing up to the same group of people or whatever eventually u're sure to make some friends" and NO, THAT DOES NOT FUCKING WORK. they just turn you into a background character. they're not interested in anything you have to say or do, they tune you out, i've seen it.

when we went bowling i was put in a lane all by myself because the lane everyone was playing on was full. i've been kept out of playing mario party because there weren't enough controllers. ive sat through an entire dnd session without doing anything besides looking at a letter because the dm forgot about me.

i shouldn't even be mad about any of that. because if im gonna be honest with myself, even if i were put in the same lane as everyone, even if i were able to join in on mario party, even if i were included more in the dnd session, i highly doubt i would've been able to make any friends anyway. because that's just the kind of person i am. it's not like i don't try to force myself to be included, ppl just seem to naturally push me away.

and just to clarify, they don't push me away in the "i don't like you" kind of way, they push me in away in the "i don't care for you" kind of way. and honestly, i think id rather they hated me. because at least then they would care about me.

i thrive much better in the online world, but even then i still feel like i'm missing a manual on how friends are supposed to be made. i see people on steam with thirty something friends, and although im aware most are likely not very close to the person, im still very much all "how the fuck did u meet all those people".

i can't even remember the last time i had physical contact. i would hug my therapist but due to reasons beyond my control ive only been able to have online sessions with her.

quite a while ago i had an online friend who i'd talk with quite a lot. she was so nice to me, always brightened me up. we'd talk for hours about each other's troubles and such. we knew each other ever since i was 15 and she was 14. she was the only thing keeping me sane through all those years. but almost a year ago now, she ghosted me. i still don't know why she did it, she never said anything. i can still see her online, she just avoids me. this ruined me. i was only left to assume the worst, that there was something wrong with me, and i didnt know what.

now i freak out over being ignored, i convince myself everyone secretly hates me. i know im probably wrong, it's not all about me. but i can't stop myself from thinking the worst. i fixate over if anyone will ghost me like she did. im trying to get over this, slowly but hopefully surely.

i have massive amounts of self hatred that feel impossible to get over. i cant think of a day where i havent told myself i hate myself, and recently ive been telling myself to kill myself more frequently. i want anyone who says "how can you expect others to love you when you can't even love yourself" to go die in a volcano. by the time i'm able to solve this self hatred problem i'd probably have already died from loneliness.

for fuck's sake, im venting on tumblr to whoever happens to see this. because i have nobody to fucking go to to express these feelings. i have nobody, so im venting to fucking tumblr. fuck.

i just wish i had someone.

[gingerlywuzhere]

intro post for da goobs <33

name(s): lynn (spelt however)

prns: any except she/her plz :3

sexu: demi-aroace + pan

gender: bxyflux

age: minor :>

relationship status: 3 yrs w/ my bf (he/they) ^^

language(s): English, Spanish

nationality: 🇺🇸 (but also secretly 🇩🇪 >:) )

if i dont know your prns, ill refer to u by ur user

you can refer to me however, as long as you acknowledge my existence, im fine w/ it

about me (random order) (:3 = ask me abt it!! /nf)

-audhd

-dyslexia

-Mahayana Buddhist convert :3

-rbs, likes, and tags will differ based of current hyperfixation

-band + theatre kid

-im demonkin and fallen angel-kin :3

-my fursona is a scene-core fruit bat w/ an emo vampire bat bf :3

-i swear too much in my everyday language lmao ('bestie that's trauma' IK)

-comfy alt style

-natural ginger

-eyes dont work right (nearsighted + astigmatism)

-trying to post and interact more with moots & audience

-jus a weird lil queer kid tryin to not die yet :)

things i like:

-fnaf

-cp

-ww/att

-animal facts

-fun facts in general

-tsp + tspud

-minecraft

-charlie slimecicle

-tadc

-tattoos

-piercings

-they must be giants

-mitski

-ICP

-spooky stuff

-jschlatt

-that handsome devil

+ like a lot more things

my fave stuff :DD :

-fave fnaf character: michael afton <33

-fave animatronic: funtime foxy <33

-fave cp: the grieving (tawog cp)

-fave cp character: EJ

-fave song: Inside You, That Handsome Devil, HGIHGD

-fave album: Hawaii Part II, Miracle Musical

-fave actor: matthew lillard (hes so cutie :3)

-fave movie: The Truman Show or Silence of the Lambs (very different ik)

-fave hobby: archery (when i dont lose my arrows lmao)

-fave food: pizza bites :3

boundaries id like to set

-no 18+ content, swearing exception

-if idk u irl, dont call me by name, just "gingerly" is fine

-dont harass people over things ive said, vice versa

-dont ship me with my friends/people i interact with prominently

-dont ship me w/ people i dont know

-dont treat me like a child, you will be blocked

-be nice to each other in notes

-if i vent on this blog, dont openly relate to what ive been/am currently going through, u can vent in my dms or asks

-proshippers/comshippers dni

-terfs/homophobes dni

-pro-israel dni (its NOT about religion)

-anti-furries dni (i am one 🤯)

-anti-therians dni (ESPECIALLY if you're one of those 'i NEED a therian gf/bf bro' typa mf)

-anti-otherkin dni

-anti-xenos dni

-anti-mspec lesbians/gays dni

-trans fetish pages dni

-overall dni if you don't think you'd mind me as a person irl

-keep this blog a safe space for all/most ppl pls :)

#pinned post #introduction post #audhd #actually audhd #dyslexia #dyslexic #buddhist #band kid #theatre kid #alt #creepypasta #will wood #charlie slimecicle #jschlatt #that handsome devil

[lesbiandeancas]

Hello! I'm a longtime follower and I was hoping to get a bit of perspective on how you and your wife realized you wanted to be each others person? Im a lesbian but ive never been in a relationship before; i only just started feeling safe enough to openly date for the very, very first time last September, in my late 20s, and I met someone in November who I think I want to be long term with. I know it sounds crazy, BELIEVE me, she can hardly believe it either. I just would like some perspective from an unbiased source with some experience. You and your wife seem extremely supportive and loving of each other and I just want to know how to know when I have that too. Thank you for taking the time to read this far! Have a good day!

It is so sweet of you to come to me with this. First thing I want to say is congrats on putting yourself out there. That takes a lot of guts for anyone but especially for gay ppl. You're amazing just for that!

Second thing is that it doesn't sound crazy! If you met someone you want to be with you should pursue it! You will never know unless you take that chance on each other.

As for how to know when you have found your person I would say although it's nice to think of soulmates and all that, there's definitely not just one person for everybody. Deciding to be together and to be there for each other is a choice you make together and a goal you work toward every day.

That being said, here are some things that made me realize that Carly was the person for me. She can always make me laugh and we can pretty much always have fun together, no matter what else is going on. We like being together and we can hang out together without issues almost indefinitely. Of course we need breaks from each other but there isn't like a time limit where we will definitely be getting on each other's nerves. We are both committed to each other and communicate about what that means. We both make efforts to let each other know we are here for each other during hard times. We have worked hard to get to where we are and will continue to work to hurt each other less (because being in love means hurting each others feelings sometimes, on purpose or not) and support each other more.

When we first got together I was really fucked up and not mentally healthy at all. And I have/had BPD (through therapy I have it under control for the most part) so I was constantly worried that it wasn't going to work out or that she secretly didn't like me. But that's gone now. I mean, once in a while, I will have a bad day and ask, "Do you really love me?" But I believe her now. Because not believing her means not trusting her. And I trust her.

I hope this didn't go too far off track and that it was helpful for you. I wish you the best of luck in love and, again, congratulations on putting yourself out there. You're amazing! Go out and get her! 🩷

[officialtayley]

i’m so sorry but this will be long. no offence to the anon that said this, i’m just kinda using it as something to spring my pov from but: i kinda hate the notion that you shouldnt count past “love” songs which are about chad (like siy, toe, proof etc) as love songs just because hayley wasn’t in the best place when she wrote them and/or they’re not as meaningful as the ones she has since written about taylor.

again, no shade to anon, this just made me want to speak about what i see on a wider scale. of course hayley and chad had a shitty relationship, he pretty much groomed her, cheated on her and from what we know abused her at least mentally. he was a horrible person and an even worse partner, we know that much is true. however, i think sometimes people can be really dismissive of hayley’s very real feelings and love that she clearly felt for chad at the time and that makes me a little bit mad sometimes. she was with the guy for 10 years, she wasn’t secretly hoping he was taylor throughout their entire relationship and to say that she was is again, dismissive and a bit disrespectful i feel? one thing we know for sure about hayley is she is loyal as fuck and she wants to fight through tough times, she wouldn’t have done all of that if she never really loved chad.

of course, her love for taylor is deeper and has more history and meaning but it’s not right to invalidate her past feelings. she doesn’t mean siy, toe etc in the same way anymore but at one point or another they meant a lot to her and they still probably do, just in a completely different way now. i know we all hate chad but please just bare in mind that hayley is a real person, she isn’t just a tayley content machine lmao, her love for chad was very real once upon a time and we don’t need to rewrite history about their past songs. two things can be true: 1. SIY and TOE are love songs about chad 2. chad is a horrible person but was still a very important figure in hayley’s life in the past for both positive (in some ways i’m sure) and extremely negative reasons.

mhm. like no matter what they are love songs and always will be, they're more darker/negative but there's still positivity in most of them (pool is tbh debatable cause she rlly did force herself to write that after everything so while it's a love song it's a bit... odd to also call it one). but yeah she prob was not wishing he was taylor for 10 years like that would've been weird 😭 but idk... i don't think fighting thru tough times means she really loved him like for ALL those years, and im just basing that off how she's spoken about feeling trapped, the shame of how they got into their relationship, failed marriages also making her want to stay so she didn't feel like a failure, and one interview iirc she said she knew very early on it wasn't a good relationship/wanted out, that also doesn't mean there was never real love there cause there obviously was for sure! but yeah.

she isn't a tayley content machine and ppl should be more respectful, i get you cause i've seen it on a wider scale too and i think sometimes i can catch myself thinking that way, but i think sometimes people let the hatred for chad sort of get in the way of everything.

#anon #answered

[frostbite-the-bat]

hate when ppl ask me if im ok bc i havent been talking in a specific place like i was prolly. avoiding it for a reason idk now u bringing it up makes it WORSE its gonna be WEIRD if i talk there again after u point it out can u not im like an outdoor cat (i dont support outdoor cats btw) that runs off for a while then comes back eventually

i now feel bad for. avoiding speaking in so many places (and then complaining nobody talks to me) bc its either like. oh. theres a friend from this place here too. theyre gonna see me double posting my art and think im there just for attention. oh. these ppl like ttr and not ttcc. i play ttcc only . im now randomly obsessed with it. im gonna be weird and annoying if i post about it even tho i have no shame for my interest i dont want them to say anything like "ok but ttr better" because id probably shit myself. oh im avoiding talking here bc i havent said anything to this one person in a while and im scared to do that now bc idk what to say. oh i dont talk here bc i only know one person here. oh i dont talk here bc i fell out of the friendgroup and i secretly hate some of the people there. or just Oh. its the mental illness again sorry im not gonna talk here . oops. and then coming back is hard as hell. this shit be delightful im now only talking in a server and a half and currently, basically everyone's asleep and i am Yelling

#all of these were real examples oops

[jihyoruri]

never thought I'd see the day Id do a wowyn analysis... Keep in mind its been a second since I reread all the wowyn works😭

Id like to preface this by saying I do not have a very good grasp on wowyn as a character- I am not entirely sure how you guys view her but I've said this before.. I think wowyn is truly a very sad person. maybe she's not sad emotionally but the way she views things and acts at certain points makes me... I don't know. she does some shit that annoys me 😭I don't view her as a baby or something like that.. she's clearly the "cool" one in the group lmao😭

I'll be focusing on wonyn, and chaeyn for this..

wowyn clearly is uncomfortable with being "known" per se. When she starts to really like someone, she immediately distances herself. I can't tell if it's because she's afraid of getting hurt, or just because her issues with her dad gave her an avoidant attachment style..

I'm not completely sure what happened with her father, and why she's like this now..

wowyn is nonchalant with chaewon. From what we've read, chaewon has started to like(?) wowyn, and finds her cool. I don't think wowyn has started to like chaewon yet, and if she has.. damn😭

I can't tell if wowyn Is avoidant of vulnerability at all, because it seems she keeps up this cool and unaffected front so she doesn't show emotions she doesnt want other people seeing. Shes clearly scared/uncomfortable to love someone(?) because, as you said, she realized she liked minjeong so she broke up with her.

wonyn.. It brings me a sort of satisfaction to know that wowyn will end up with chaewon and not wonyoung. the idea that someone will always come back to you, and that they'll always want you, so you just expect them to ?? chase after you?? rubs me the wrong way. I hope that wowyn will at one point get over wonyoung and actually like chaewon more (even though it seems impossible) cause its CRAZY wonyoung thinks chaewon is delusional (it's not crazy she lowk is)

If she DOESNT get over wonyoung... I feel bad for chaewon. knowing that you'll always be second place SUCKS.

I don't know what made wowyn so attached to wonyoung in the first place, but I'll guess they met when they were a bit younger because the wowyn now seems like she doesn't let people in like that anymore..

In conclusion I do not understand wowyn at all. I know she has an avoidant attachment style and clear vulnerability issues from something with her dad... but fundamentally I find her sad. I can't tell if she wants to be understood and wants people to know her, but she's scared, or she doesn't at all because she's scared, or she doesn't care and I'm reading it wrong?? wowyn seems like the person that never lets people too close, always with a suitcase in hand (metaphorically) ready to leave when she realizes "this person knows me". I mean in that one ask "aeri knows too much about wowyn to date her" or something along those lines.. does she not want to be known, or does she secretly want it?? I don't know.

I'm glad she'll be with chaewon in the end, but I hope she gets a therapist because if I was chaewon's friend I'd be like.. don't go for someone so painfully emotionally unavailable 😭

(this might be all wrong, I literally don't understand wowyn she has such an insane mindset to me. im ace so ig I've just never had a crush that has me always coming back to them like this?? I don't know man wowyn is confusing to me. the way people act like her stans here scares me cuz what if I get jumped but... wowyn isn't a monolith.. she's cool on stage but her mental state is definitely... a whole trip.. pathetic isn't the right word but I've said sad so many times.. like her mindset and actions just make me frown I kind of pity her???)

-🎏

it kinda makes me smile when you say that she don’t understand wow!yn cause that means that I did what I wanted to do with her she’s rlly complex like I want people to have a hard time understanding her, like every time ppl try to analyze her they’re completely wrong and it makes me giggle LMAOOOO

you always seem to go back to wow!yn chasing and always going back to wonyoung 😭 and I feel like I’ve said this before but wow!yn doesn’t have some crazy crush on wonyoung she USED to but she doesn’t it’s just wony is that person always in the back of her mind who she find comfort in because she’s someone who yn is so close with it’s not a situation where it’s like omg I love you so much I can’t get over yo, it was never that yn knows her and wony aren’t going to work out I’ve said that before like that’s something that’s something that yn isn’t even waiting for. Honestly I want to know what actions of hers annoy you because from what I’ve written wow!yn is just so chill and nonchalant like you guys she haven’t seen her make any decisions yet besides breaking up with winter.

#🎏anon

[stahfakz]

23/4/23

I think im dreaming. This isnt real.

When you met them, you thought they were the shit, but you dont know the pain i went through with her, and shes probs told you all about her drama.

It is fucked.

The way i told everyone to like you, and they followed me, despite the shitty email you sent, and then how you attacked me back over time, shut me down, demanding responses, called me from the goaddamn work phone.

How m just told you everything so easily, like i was nothing to him.

Tbh, he hasnt been the same with me, and he was critical of me after you guys spoke.

What cruel injustice.

That you cant see.

That selfish bitches are out there, when im the one in pain, doing all the work, never getting credit.

Not once did she acknowledge my help publically, just kept shutting me down.

Kept telling me her drama and insecurities and bodily functions. For real?

Makes me want to run away from m.

----

Oh but the look on your face when you asked me if dean went into a meeting with me straight away, but i said no, he just let me know when he was available, she was so fucking jealous that I can do this.

Just reach out to a senior manager and chat to them about stuff, cos shes scared to. Because Dean is the way he is, she says, hes "hard to impress." So i guess shes jealous that ive impressed him.

Its like, ppl who are career focused to be managers, doesnt mean they should be.

And the people who should be, arent given the recognition they deserve.

I mean, she kept banging on about leadership, and its like, butch you have no idea what even leadership fucking means.

The jealousy combined with the fact i have real leadership over the team, and im not even trying. Definately not trying to promote myself here, just stating the facts.

But its still some type of sweet justice that that cunt has now fucked off. Fuck you bitch, you dont know shit.

Im secretly glad you're jealous that I have the ability to speak openly with senior managers sbout anything.

Fucking hell.

Thinking about this, has made me cry.

I wasnt able to tell my team mates, cos they all thought she was the shit.

So i have to wait, if m and i are ever together, but i doubt it, im not feeling anything from him right now cos of his judgyness. I mean, maybe they hooked up. Probably.

Who the fuck am i to think anyone could ever be a man and approach me.

I mean, B me more than m at the moment. How fucked up is that, even if B owes me, and thats how im justifying it.

I have to deal with soooooo much shit.

I almost feel like telling him that Deans been the most stable support Ive had for a number of years, just to piss him off. Like he should do better. That maybe that bitch was lying.

---------

I have to sit away from luke next time in the office anyway, so you can deal with staring at me from a distance and me looking fine af as always, like you cant have me and watch while everyone approaches me.

Cos whilst im humble af and down to earth, i am the queen of that team, even if i dont want to admit it myself or use that language.

They all gravitated towards me, even last year, long before I was point of contact, and none of them knew about my previous roles of team coach, etc.

Even luke s had a glowing report of me, and how approachable I am when helping others especially with emotional shit.

So I've pulled up my big girl pants, and stepping back into my god-given leader role.

Guiding the team on how to deal with our actual tm. Taking on board a lot more than i should, but not complaining.

Messaging the group chat with diplomatic words as well as encouragement and support, well before her farewell email with her shitty five words regarding our actual tm.

And it's showing already, how I live by my words, amazing that Emilie is loyal to me publically, and I don't ask for it.

Just some sweet frosting on that butches cake, as shes constantly refused to ackowledge her success with us was entirely my doing.

I literally cannot wait until she tries another tenured team, and gets slammed. That'll be the real fucking karmic justice.

-----

Karmic justice how senior managers know how I am, that I just say things out loud that need to be said, without fear (Thanks autism and abusive ex.).

Maybe it really is time to acknowledge that I would actually be a really good manager, and maybe I should apply and start getting serious with experience.

There are so many shit managers out there, and a severe lack of good ones.

Can I be one of the good ones? Kerry is still the best manager ive ever had, with hannah and dan a close second. And while dean isnt actually my manager, he's one of the best people in management I know, and im glad that we see eye to eye on things and that i make sense to him.

Can i break through my own belief-limiting thoughts?

🤔🤔🤔

[bellamysgriffin]

would love to hear your gilmore girls s6 thoughts!

lmao i don't even know where to begin i have so many! let's bullet point it

so i can see why people point to this season as the beginning of the downfall of rory gilmore. girl crumbled after someone said one mean thing to her, immediately committed a felony and dropped out of school. that said, i did like that storyline for her, it was interesting, but. i was definitely on lorelai's side. i think rory behaved pretty badly throughout that storyline – and frankly throughout the season. i feel like the only person who points out that the scene with rory/richard at the end of s5 was a pretty manipulative scene on her part, but i also feel like the show agrees with me, since they point it out several times lmao. like, that girl realllllly did not want to face any consequences, and so she went to the person who would guarantee that for her. 

in general, i do think the writing has gone downhill, and that’s in large part due to so much of so many episodes being dedicated to antics instead of actual storylines. side characters have been getting broader and broader. it feels like everyone aside from rory, logan, luke, lorelai, emily, and richard are basically operating at kirk levels of zaniness. one kirk is fine but they can’t all be kirk, you know?

i think that could have been solved by giving side characters meaningful arcs. which means it’s time to talk about the paris of it all. they’ve fully bastardized paris and i could not be more disappointed. she’s my favorite character on the show, and i think it’s wild that instead of showing her grow or have any arc, they’ve regressed her to being socially inept. like can you imagine s6 paris leading madeline and louise around and running things at chilton? paris has always been intense and frank and kinda mean, but she’s not like. terrible with everyone. the running joke that everyone secretly hates paris was really mean-spirited, especially considering how long she’s been on the show. they had a storyline in which rory publicly clarified to a room of ppl who she knows hates paris that she does not consider herself paris’ best friend. 

i will say they got better at writing for her again by the end of the season. but i feel like they could give her an arc in which she’s confronted by the fact that a lot of other students at yale are as driven and smart as she is. she claims that rory is her only real competition but get real. they go to YALE. are you expecting me to believe that rory is the smallest person here?

also they could have given her a meaningful romantic subplot a la lane/dave, instead of just dumb comedic fodder with doyle. (i say this even though im a parisrory but).

SPEAKING OF LANE, the way they wrote the breakup with dave was WILDLY bad. so contrived. i don’t think they ever gave the storyline with lane & her mother the kind of weight it needed, and i’m disappointed by what seems to be a very long slow character assassination. 

also. hot hot take about logan/rory. i prefer jess and jess/rory mostly because i think that was a better, more interesting story and i was therefore more emotionally invested. that said, i do happen to think logan treats rory better than any of her other boyfriends did. and yes, that includes the sort of cheating storyline. i can go more in depth if u want, but i do firmly believe this to be true. (logan himself i find kinda smug/smarmy, but i don’t mind him. i do think that’s what rory is looking for right now, and it’s kind of a signal of her embracing her grandparents’ lifestyle.)

finally, the luke/lorelai of it all. oh BOY am i sad. the april storyline was RIDICULOUSLY contrived. april herself is a fun kid, but i see no reason why her existence should make luke have to postpone the wedding?? the show could never give a reason. how does april prevent luke from committing to lorelai? and why wouldn’t lorelai say anything? they both acted really out of character in order to make that work as a complication. and it just didn’t. (i also don’t love how the first few episodes of season 7 seem to be letting luke off the hook just bc lorelai slept with chris. like you wouldn’t let her into your life!! that’s why u broke up!! not bc she slept with chris or bc u “weren’t right for each other”!!)

i feel like they wrote this partly bc ASP didn’t know what to write. i think that explains the antics-heavy season, dumb side plots and april fiasco. they could have given paris a meaningful arc in that time, but they didn’t. and what they COULD have done with luke/lorelai is just…. give them a kid!! i say this as someone who is not super crazy about baby storylines typically, but on gilmore girls you could do SO MUCH with it. you get rory dealing with a sibling after being her mom’s whole world for her entire life, you get emily and richard getting a second chance at being there from the beginning, you get lorelai having a kid with a stable life and support system, and you get luke and lorelai navigating parenthood together. so much potential tragically wasted and i’ll never get over it.

also…… i’m only on 7x03, but i can’t believe luke/lorelai get married in AYITL…. a full twenty years after lorelai dumped him for not marrying her….. LUNACY

#dana answers stuff #that was a whole essay but..... lmao anyway

[several-very-small-eggs]

Hmmmm don't we love being allergic to confrontation

#vent #ive been idly fantasizing for the past half hour about the whole situation with my psn friend group boiling over #bc there's just.... a lot of stuff we disagree on and it grates hard whenever I'm reminded of it #whether by one of them saying something or me remembering what they said earlier #'i think feminism is stupid' #'trap isn't a slur' #'she was faking it' #fucking Matt and his casual use of the n word and r*tarded #tbh it's mostly Matt. i would not be sad to never hear from him again. #he's paranoid schizophrenic and I'm probably the only person in this group that actually does secretly hate him #anyway anyway idle fantasies about shit boiling over and me just leaving #it's... a strange kind of catharsis? like i wouldn't have to deal with any of that anymore #but also jesus fucking God i would be 1000% more lonely #bc they're literally the only people outside my family im regularly speaking with #i don't actually want to leave tho.... i just want them to understand why i care about the stuff we disagree on... #I'm not sure exactly why but my first instinct with disagreements is 'if they truly understood they'd agree with me' #which is definitely not true bc i can understand why ppl do things without agreeing with them #but it still really hurts when i try and point out that something they're doing is an issue and they just brush me off or shut it down #i just don't know what to really do. i don't want to just keep quiet but im also terrified of rocking the boat and ruining what I've made #its hard for me to actually make friends and i desperately cling to those i have bc im petrified of losing them and being alone again #never knowing if people actually wanted to be your friends as a kid really fucks you up huh #im def in a really shitty headspace rn and I'll probably be feeling well enough in the morning to be able to ignore their shit #i just want friends who are more like me yknow? like #like... diverse friendships are great for expanding horizons #but when i feel like i have to hide part of who i am in order to not risk losing the one social group im part of.... it wears on you #yeah. really shitty headspace tonight. and im typing all this out bc i don't want to bother my closest friend #bc i worry i already dump too many of my problems on her. and i don't want to ask if i have bc that's just another problem #i know you read these. im not sure if I'm writing this as an extended letter to the void #or a cry for help... a cry im too insecure/anxious about stating directly