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dionysianfreak · 3 years

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some spicy things I do in my practice because of ADHD

given that it's literally my brain, adhd takes over a lot of things in my life. it finds a way to wiggle into everything I do in both bad and good ways. it's just how it is being neurodivergent and it's just how life goes for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't aid me in many ways. growing up we aren't taught about mental divergency. we're taught the abled and neurotypical way and that's it, but in truth neurodivergent people only struggle due to not having the resources to do things the way that'll let them work efficiently. so here is a list of ways my personal adhd effects my pagan practice and ways I incorporate it into my worship !

stimming

stimming ! i stim a LOT and sometimes, if the emotion I feel is strong enough, they turn to uncontrollable tics. this also means that when during things like rituals, I'll have to pause so I don't tic and ruin something. this is totally normal and okay ! I've never once had a problem with it, and the Gods just patiently waited for it to pass as it always does. we both know it's just something that happens and it's apart of me, it isn't something to be ashamed of or hide.

accepting stimming once I was diagnosed was also something I did as a devotional act to Dionysos ! instead of trying to mask or push down the urge to stim, I'd allow myself to just let it out. my stims vary between very overt to covert, and accepting the overt ones as normal was a feat worthy of devotion imo. you can also keep stim toys on your altar when you're not using them, if you wanted to.

time and schedules

consistent worship ????? never heard of her. same goes for offerings. sometimes I give 294894 offerings in a day and sometimes I've given one offering in a week, it just depends on my ever changing behavior. there's no need to be stuck on a schedule if you don't want to or even make one to begin with. when I first started out, I asked Hermès, Apollon, and Dionysos (who I worshipped at the time) if I should make a schedule and the no was so hard I haven't asked since. my worship is a part of my daily life, as just like I don't drive places every day I don't worship every day. both are still important in my life regardless if I'm actively doing it or not. if you stuggle with consistency, I urge you to speak with the Gods you worship and see if making things more fluid would help !

hyperfixation is also a pain in the ass sometimes, especially when it becomes something other than paganism. due to the free nature of my practice and that I've chosen to devote, it sometimes translates into "well I don't haveeee to do this" and suddenly poof, all the motivation is gone. it's VERY hard to come back when your brain is so wired on something else entirely, and I understand the feeling. during these times I personally do very small things to keep up. if I make dinner for myself, I'll offer a portion and eat with the Gods just to show that I'm participating even when I'm struggling to. the small things count.

RSD - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

my RSD is crippling in my life, and it's reach extends to paganism sometimes as well (if you're unaware, RSD is the extreme sensitivity to perceived rejection in any form). sometimes during readings I receive a card that I believe is saying something "negative". sometimes it's criticism, sometimes advice, sometimes it's a slap on the wrist, but no matter what it is in reality I'm at the mercy of my brain to interpret it. so this has lead to meltdowns, long depressive/anxious episodes, and crying fests when I think a deity is angry with me. it has gotten so bad before that delusions have appeared and made me believe false memories or feelings of hatred from the Gods.

it's so hard and I'm so sorry if anyone else has to deal with it. to help with this, I have to fight to remind myself that advice is not an attack. the Gods are trying to help me and, even if They were angry at me, I've made mistakes before and They've allowed me to grow from them. i also have a checklist of questions I ask myself to allow logic and reality back into my head. a few questions include "have i done anything recently that's worthy of anger from a God ?", "is this something that will last forever ?", and "is this a message that has something to teach me ?".

impulsiveness

ask most people with ADHD about being impulsive and you'll probably receive a nervous side glace. we're impulsive often, which can do a multitude of things in paganism. one, starting a devoting and never finishing it. i am SO guilty of this one, and it make me feel bad even now. i have plenty up unfinished plans, drawings, and other devotional items that look around and guilt me. I've been in this cycle for a year and I don't think I'll ever grow out of it, but from what I've noticed the Gods don't mind. doing some of a devotion is a wonderful feat, and the energy that took is a wonderful offering even if you don't finish it.

I'm sure other adhd people and probably some autistic people have been in the position of "I just discovered this new Deity and oh my god I NEED to worship them RIGHT NOW or I'll DIE". They're just SO COOL and you automatically feel a connection. then three weeks later you feel demotivated to worship Them and now you feel terrible about it. don't worry, me too. to help with this nowadays I personally honor for a bit then worship if the worship relationship doesn't involve any help between us. this is what I did with Pan, and it worked VERY well for me. i recognized our connection but I didn't feel the pressure to consistently worship Him.

back to the start of the second paragraph, if you're stuck in that situation just communicate with the Deity. it can be hard to admit you're wrong, especially with adhd. however, just sitting down and calling to Them to let them know how you feel and that you think you made a mistake is a huge communicative step !

demotivation

this. one. sucks. inbetween hyperfixations, being stressed out or anxious, going through a depressive episode, and more can cause very deep demotivation and loss of energy in people with ADHD and other disorders. sometimes I'll just lay in my floor with my headphones on for hours because I literally can't find the energy to get up. a lot of people worry that this directly conflicts with Paganism and would slow progress. i understand why it seems that way, especially since adhd is a very "GO FAST, DO THIS THING N O W" disorder. there's actually a few solutions here I can think of

devote your personal healing to the Gods as this can give your brain a "reward" and can help you personally feel better in many ways. after weeks without a shower, devote a bath to a Deity or maybe eat breakfast at Their altar if you haven't been eating much. allow Them to be your motivation

take a break entirely. paganism certrainly isn't a 24/7/365 commitment and your practice molds to your needs. if you're just absolutely knocked out and need rest, take a break. I've taken MANY breaks before. I've been forced on breaks too because the Gods noticed my mental health declining before I did. never feel ashamed for needing time for yourself

do multiple small things rather than big things. a little bit of your dinner when you eat, redecorate Their altar or space, listen to music that reminds you of Them, think of Them when you're out and about in case you see something. you can weave devotion into daily acts in order to reinforce mundane things you need to do and calm your mind about paganism.

and finally, miscellaneous list of other things I do that are too small for their own section.

if you need to keep track of divination readings, no need to write down every reading you've ever had in detail. you can voice record them as you go, take photos of the cards, or use apps like Labyrinthos that can act as a tarot log.

your altar doesn't need to look perfect, it should reflect your worship and your devotion to a Deity. this means if your altar looks like a mess, as mine ALWAYS do, it's perfectly okay ! clutter aesthetic altars are the most beautiful altars in my eyes, and they're so worthy of adoration. I've never once heard of a Deity disliking an altar, They appreciate our work to put in a space just for Them. let your altar look messy and wild as you want, altars don't need to be aesthetic or color coordinated

you see everywhere that many of us are devoted to one deity in particular or multiple, I fit in here too. i just wanted to say that you never have to devote to any Deity if you don't want to. you could worship when you need help from a specific Deity or worship a different deity every month. never feel like you have to tie yourself down just because other people feel comfortable doing so.

you don't have to celebrate every festival. it's okay to skip celebrations that don't really apply to you or are at an inconvenient time ! you could also reschedule if you find yourself wanting to celebrate but burnt out or busy.

#hellenism #pagan #Paganism #hellenic #hellenic worship #hellenic pagan #hellenistic polytheism #polytheist #polytheism #greek gods #deity #greek paganism #adhd #neurodivergent #neurodivergent pagan #tips and tricks

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bonniemansfieldd · 3 years

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My Pet Goblin Grief

I wouldn’t say I’m overly experienced in many things; baking - perhaps; exams maybe; tactical chundering - I’m pretty good; but grief? Me and her go way back.

Of course, everything is relative and I’m grateful to say that I’ve never lost someone as close as a parent or sibling but I definitely have had a bigger taste of the Grieving Life™ than most which is an odd feeling. A running joke we have is that I have one of those stamp loyalty cards to the local cemetery and now I’m only 1 off of my own free burial- wahoo!

Death-focussed conversations are a centerpiece in our house and the question “What do you want as your funeral song?” is as easily asked as “What is it you want for Christmas?” (For the record, mine’s Only One Who Knows by the Arctic Monkeys, Day N Nite the Crookers Remix by Kid Cudi and probably the Moulin Rouge version of Your Song - but the last one is still up for debate). I never realise these sorts of things are a bit odd or macabre until I ask the same questions to Ungrieved friends who always respond with the same notion of “why are you asking such morbid things” or “are you planning on killing me?” or “This isn't a fun birthday drinks convo.”

For context, my first experience with death was when my grandad died when I was 3, I have little memory of this other than my mum breaking the news to me when she was stark-naked, post-shower and drying her hair; a weird image in hindsight. My second and third were very close together and now feel fused in my brain; my mum was the eldest of three and within the space of 50 days her sister died due to alcoholism and her brother committed suicide due to depression and a psycho ex wife. Also my dog died a month or 2 later, rule of 3 and all that. At the age of 12 I was properly introduced to the beasts that are grief, depression and the aftermath of a suicide, none of them I would give good Yelp reviews tbh.

Nobody teaches you how to grieve. There is no handbook on ‘How to Navigate the Loss of a Loved One’, never mind one on ‘How to Deal With Traumatic Deaths Whilst Dealing with a Now Suicidal Mum Alongside All the Other Shit of Your Teenage Years’ (although there should be given its catchy title ) Now here’s where I made my first mistake when learning to live with these things - I just Kept Calm and Carried On like a fucking Dweeb. No major lash outs; no therapy, no rebellious phase (yet), no prolonged mourning period, no deep conversations with my parents on how i was feeling. I’d wake up, go to school and be a good little boffin, come home, ignore the fact mum had not gotten out of bed in 3 days or spoken in 30; do my homework, have my tea, go to bed, be awoken by the sounds of my mum blasting their funeral songs and scream bawling downstairs; put in my earphones and watch Flushed Away; cry a bit; eventually fall asleep; repeat.

Looking back now my chosen ignorance was ridiculous and really came back with a vengeance when I was 15 and my mum was back to relative normality. I started to face what I’d pushed down and I released all the pent up icky-gross-wtf-feeling via trying to fuck anyone I could, developing an eating disorder, fancying only the most wastemen of boys, binge drinking and thinking Morrissey was the pinnacle of God’s creation. I mean, it did the job in the end but FUCK ME it was the dumbest way to do it and ultimately caused a whole load of other problems in my wee noggin that I really didn’t need.

Thankfully (she says with sarcasm and one solo gunfinger), I got to perfect my craft at Grieving in 2020, aged 18, when another Auntie died unexpectedly of bowel cancer and then my childhood friend killed herself, aged 21, due to cripping BPD. I really mean it when I say I’m sick of people dying. This time round I’m really trying to do it the proper way and not suppress it for 3 years and get myself in a knot like last time, although what is the proper way to grieve? Since this is not my first rodeo I know what NOT to do but that’s all I got so far.

Now, I have a few key points I’m really trying to abide by, the first one being for the love of GOd put your own grief first. I now have deep rooted mummy issues which partly stem from trying to pick up the pieces of her grief whilst burying my own with Aardman Animations and wanky Morrissey lyrics. She didn’t support me, in all honesty not many in my family did (which is understandable!) cause everyone was trying to keep their own heads above water which ultimately I should’ve done too, but didn’t. Learning to say “I am in pain, I am grieving, I need to put myself first right now or else my future therapy sessions are going to be hella expensive” is really fucking hard, ESPECIALLY when everyone else is crumbing too. But it’s the whole air mask on a plane scenario where you cannot help anyone else until you’re breathing clear too.

My next point; some days you actually feel okay and you’re not the worst person ever for feeling like that. It’s the whole ball in a box grief analogy that I cba to explain but highly reccommend looking up. Grief doesn’t leave you, you just learn to live with it and it’s kinda as simple as that. Therefore, there will be days where you do manage it, maybe even forget it for a while. It becomes a feeling so ingrained into you, you don’t even notice it’s there and just get on with things. You’re not a terrible person for having a nice time with your mates if your Gran’s just died. You’re not the spawn of satan if you go out on the pull a few weeks after your mate’s topped themselves. Yeah, their lives have stopped but why the fuck should yours?

It’s a difficult moment, immediately after you lose somebody and venture out into the world to see that it hasn’t stopped turning. One example I have of this is when I met my cousin for a coffee the morning after my friend had taken her own life. I woke up feeling fairly normal, got ready and hopped on the bus to town and looked out the window to see the city moving as usual. I got off the bus two stops later when I realised my sudden snotty crying was getting a bit loud. I don’t remember starting to cry but I do remember walking up the High street amidst the Christmas shoppers blatantly sobbing and intermittently vaping (please laugh at this image cause I do- I also had a glazed donut in hand if that helps.) These experiences are also not limited to the immediate aftermath of a death, I’ve had similar experiences years after they’ve passed at gigs, on nights out, at the cinema, at bus stops and even watching The Simpsons (screw Matt Greoning for having Close To You as Marge and Homer’s fucking wedding song). My point is, big jabs of grief happen as randomly as moments of peace, acceptance and even contentment - it’s all just a big clusterfuck cocktail that adds a bit of spice to your life.

One thing I am trying to practise more when taming my grief goblin is actually talking about it which I failed to do before. As previously mentioned, people around you can get a bit awkward or uncomfortable when talking about all things death, ESPECIALLY when they haven’t experienced it themselves and you’re actually reaching out to them for support. I’ve had some advice that was great and some that was fucking awful, I even have grief pet peeves now which is not something you see much of on Room 101 (although I am willing to put my argument forward to Frank Skinner if he’s interested in that sort of thing).

So, what shouldn’t you say to someone who’s being RKO’d by their very own grief goblin? Never- and I cannot stress this enough- say how “StRoNg” or “bRaVe” you think they are. Never. Cut that shit out, it’s fucking GROSS. THis is an especially common thing from those Ungrieved and it honestly feels like an Alexis Rose Pity boop on the nose or pat on the head. To me, those words mean “awwwwww, sucks to be you pet.” which may sound harsh but hear me out. The wonderful Maya Richardson describes the frustration with this in regards to racism/transphobia/homophobia but I also think it applies to grief perfectly:

“You’re so brave comments often feel like a microaggression as it’s a form of ‘othering’.This is to view or treat someone as intrinsically different and alien from oneself. The comments Basically say “your life is harder than mine” and feels like a back handed compliment Or an insensitive power move even if they meant well.”

The “you’re so __” comment gives you no support and is alienating, it makes you feel like you’re a freak who’s fighting a one person battle that you can only fight on your own cause no one else is as “strong” or as “brave” as you. Also, I’m not fucking strong or brave. I don’t want to be strong, I didn’t ask to be brave, and if not being these things means I don’t have to meet my grief goblin every morning then I’d rather be a weak coward any day.

The best response I’ve ever had when telling a friend I’m grieving or I’ve just lost someone is “Fuck me! Another one? That’s wank. Do you want to talk about it?” Not only did this not isolate me and it gave me the opportunity to talk through things to process them better, but it also validated everything I’m feeling. Yes it is wank thank you for acknowledging how utterly wank this situation is - it’s the biggest pile of wank I’ve ever waded through and no, I’m not “brave” for doing that.

Let them talk about it, listen to them, hug them, recognise the wank they're wading in and give them a hand to pull them through. Also, if they don’t want to talk about it then,for the love of God, just treat them as you would normally. When you’re walking on eggshells around someone they can also see the shells you’ve scattered about the place and it makes it all so lonely - cut that shit out. I’m someone who handles pain via humour cause if i don’t laugh i’ll cry and if i cry i wont stop so, if I make a joke about cemetery visits being more like European tours due to how many graves we visit and how fucking long it takes, PLEASE just laugh; I’m trying my best here.

Ultimately, I see grief as a pet for life that you learn to train and care for, but it still does piss on your floor or bite your heart every now and then; and if you know a friend who has one of these funny little creatures you should treat it as such- a new pet of theirs thats learning to be obedient. They may leave it at home sometimes or introduce you to it if they feel comfortable but, in the end, it is here to stay. And that’s okay.

Treat them and their grief goblin with the respect and love it deserves and then, I assure you, we’ll all pull through together - eventually.

#grief goblin iteasssswhatiteasssss yolo funnythoinnit

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iamnotawomanimagod · 4 years

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Dare Me: Comparing the Book to the TV Show

Like many, I was super sad to hear that Dare Me, starring Herizen Guardiola and Willa Fitzgerald, was canceled before its’ second season. I loved it for its dark representation of female friendship and early sapphic attraction, so I was sad to lose that - but the show also ends on a cliffhanger!

I decided to read the book to find out what happens. Ultimately, I think the TV show is much better, and I don’t know if they would’ve chosen the same ending as the book.

The following breakdown contains spoilers Dare Me, both the book and the tv show. Proceed with caution!

Characters

In the show, Beth and Coach French look nothing alike. Beth has long, dark, curly hair, and Coach has short, blonde hair.

In the book, they share similar features. Both of them have the same hair - I think it’s long and dark, but I can’t remember off the top of my head. It might be long and blonde, instead. Point being, in a grainy camera phone picture (the book is set in like, 2009, when camera phones still sucked) they might be mistaken for one another.

In the show, one of the biggest sources of drama comes from the relationship between Beth and her estranged father. This is due in large part to the fact that her father had an affair and another child, Tacy, and chose the live across the street from his ex-wife and other daughter.

In the book, Tacy is just another girl on the squad. She is a flier, and does compete with Beth for the Top Girl spot, but she’s otherwise not really part of the story.

In the show, Coach’s daughter, Caitlin, is a baby, still. Probably no more than two years old.

In the book, Caitlin is four years old.

In the show, Addy’s mom is a police officer, and is greatly involved in both Addy’s life and in the eventual investigation of Will’s death.

In the book, Addy’s parents are barely mentioned.

In the show, Beth’s mom is an addict, who continues her affair with Beth’s dad. Beth’s dad makes a marked (albeit flawed) effort to be in her life.

In the book, Beth’s parents are basically non-existent. As a result, the necklace Beth’s dad gave her, which is a big part of her characterization in the show, is also non-existent.

In the book, Addy is the one who kicks the girl in the stomach, to help her throw up, not Beth.

In the show, the signs of eating disorders are there, but they’re less obvious. There is a scene where Beth and Addy are eating cookies, and it shows them spitting them out after they chew, but they don’t mention it or talk about it. Beth talks about being hungry in the books a lot, about living off lollipops and detox green tea, about how common it is for all of them to have eating disorders.

In the book, there are more characters. In the show, it appears that many of the characters were streamlined into one - RiRi. The girl who gets injured in the books never returns to the squad. She’s instead an example of the “in-group” of the squad and how easy it is for them to ostracize people.

The biggest change, however, is in the characterization of Beth.

In the show, Beth is much more sympathetic.

In the show, it’s made abundantly clear that Beth was raped by Kurtz. (I think he has a different name in the books.) We see her injuries, her trauma, and her own confrontation with Kurtz. She trades his freedom for information, citing the selfie she took of her torn tongue and the fact that she has other proof. She decides not to press charges if Kurtz will tell her what he heard on the night that Will dies. (This does not happen in the books. The random kid Addy makes out with in the first episode is the one who places Coach and Matt at the scene of the crime.)

In the book, it’s implied that Beth pushed Kurtz to be rougher with her, so that she could gain sympathy from Addy. She hides her underwear in her purse, never confronts Kurtz, and doesn’t have the same level of injury.

In the show, we spend time with Beth in her house, see her when she’s alone, and come to recognize that, whether intentionally or not, Addy is playing with Beth’s feelings for her. Addy comes across as the manipulative Mean Girl, shifting the audience’s perspective on them as the show goes on.

In the book, the reveal of Addy and Beth’s romantic attraction comes much later, towards the very end. It’s revealed that they did more than kiss, probably fooled around a bit. Beth’s jealousy of Addy’s growing attraction to Coach is what makes Beth...well, do what she does.

In the book, there is no storyline around Coach being the new hero of the town, the one who’s going to revive the economy with her excellent cheer squad. The book follows only Addy’s perspective, so a lot of the explanatory scenes we get in the show, that don’t have her in them, aren’t in the book.

FINAL SPOILER WARNING. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Here’s how the story ends. I do not know if this is what they were planning for the show, since Beth was a much more sympathetic character.

Literally everything comes down to Beth. Everything is her fault.

Beth seduces Will. She takes a picture of their encounter on her grainy 2000s camera phone. She gets Tacy to send this picture to Matt. Because the picture is grainy, and because Coach and Beth look so much alike, Matt assume it’s a picture of Coach fucking Will.

Matt then goes and confronts Will, while Coach is at Will’s apartment, and Matt shoots him with Will’s own gun.

Beth further fucks the situation up by lying to Addy about the hamsa bracelet. She convinces Addy (in the show and in the books) that the cops found the hamsa bracelet at the scene of the crime.

The last we see in the show, Addy is outside of Coach’s house, angry and in tears, asking about the bracelet, and getting no response. We then see Coach confronting Matt about it, and “the night we were there.”

It turns out, however, that the bracelet wasn’t at the crime scene at all - it was in Beth’s locker. She finds the bracelet at Coach’s house, the night after the hotel party, and she steals it back. As in the show, the bracelet was something Beth gave to Addy.

When Addy finds the bracelet in Beth’s locker, she is understandably pissed. She confronts Beth in the locker room, and Beth is her usual sassy, obfuscating self. They go to do the competition. This is probably what the “she’s not you” scene was based on, although it happens much earlier in the show.

At this point, Beth is Top Girl again, through a series of accidents on the mat. There’s a very difficult flyer move that they’ve been working on, throughout the book. It involves the Top Girl being lifted 16 feet into the air by her squad, held up a bit like a Jesus figure.

During a huge competition, the one with the scout, in the book, they do this stunt. Addy is one of Beth’s spotters. Beth intentionally twists and falls, so that she lands on her head on the mat. She ends up in the hospital.

The book ends with August tryouts, for the next year. Coach is gone, having been accused of taking part in Will’s murder. Addy is more of a top dog than she’s ever been, because Beth does not return. The book ends with the concept that this toxic, manipulative, abusive cycle, which is all laid on Beth instead of Coach, will continue to spiral on, no matter who is on the squad.

My Take

Tbh, I enjoyed the show a lot more. While I appreciate being able to find out what happened next, I really don’t know if the show would’ve taken the same route. There were a lot of plotlines that were brought in specifically for the show - Tacy and Beth being half-sisters, Addy’s mom being a cop, Beth’s dad living across the street with Tacy, etc. And because of the way Beth was made more sympathetic in the show, I wonder if they would’ve chosen the same ending.

I think that, rather than putting it all on Beth, the show was angling to place the blame on Coach. She was much less sympathetic on the show. In the book, she doesn’t use Addy as a babysitter to see Will. Addy is much less involved in their affair in general, although she is aware of it - that day by the river in the woods does still happen. She’s depicted much more as a Cool Adult who is Far Above all the shit going on in the squad, and that her reliance on Addy only comes out when she’s her most scared, vulnerable, and manic. It makes the line where she tells Addy that Addy is her best friend much more jarring and strange. You realize how lonely Coach is.

Coach also most obviously stands as an example of where characters like Beth and Addy might end up, in ten or so years. Her “perfect life” is under a lot of scrutiny, in both the book and the show, to underline how these cheer girls have big dreams, but will probably end up married, with a kid, living in a house they hate with a partner they don’t care for. It’s to contrast the bombastic, glittery, haughty writing style of the book, of Addy’s narration of it, to show that these are mostly just teenage girls with a whole lot of issues. As beautiful and bright and bold and invincible as they feel, the only thing really waiting for them on the other side is an adulthood with a lot less glory.

I liked the show a lot more. I think it did a better job of showing all of the different characters as well-rounded people, not just stereotypes. Fleshing out Beth’s backstory makes her a lot more sympathetic, and I hate that the book uses a false rape allegation to make Beth a bad person. Coach is the adult in all of this, which I think the show recognized, and sought to correct.

TL;DR - Dare Me made a better show than a book, and it’s a damn shame it got cancelled so soon, because it was better wlw representation, more fleshed out as a story, and less problematic in its stances about the issues teenage girls face.

#rape tw #eating disorders tw #eating disorder tw #stephspeaks #dare me #ok to reblog

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recovering-witch · 5 years

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Hi! So Im gonna share some of what I’ve learnt the past few days!

Here you have a list of risk factors you should try to be aware of:

abrupt changes in someone (hairstyle, clothing, mood, behavior, group of friends, music taste)- SPECIALLY if you’ve seen someone in a really crappy mood and the next day they seem like they are “fixed” and “doing WAY better”

self harm of any kind (could take the form of cutting, scratching, puncing themselves, burning themselves or maybe engaging in risky behaviors, like texting and driving or crossing the streets without checking if there are any cars coming)

someone’s making funeral arrangements or suddenly getting all their paperwork and documents in order

or giving valued posetions away (like their favorite book, a mug they really like or even that old teddy bear they’ve treasured their entire life)

they can even be writing thank you notes or letters or just saying “I love yous” and “thank yous” and “goodbies” in person, when they usually dont do so

engaging in substance abuse (alcohol or other drugs)

isolating, pushing significant others away, feeling alone even around people, or being excluded by others

talking about death (anything from “i want this to stop”, “it’d be easier if i just died” or “i want to kill myself”) or giving it too much thought (like drawing skulls or googling different methods to kill themselves)

someone who’s been through trauma (recent or past)

or has lost a sgnificant other recently

or is living in a house where there’s a lot of tension and dysfunctional dynamics (parents acting like friends, divorce, someone’s really sick, neglection, violence of any kind)

they could also present a mood disorders (such as BPD or depression) or anxiety disorders, has had any suicide attempts or self harming history in their (or family/friends’) past

or if you notice someone showing a sense of hopelessness (”there’s no point”, “this will never change”, “why bother”) or negative self talk (”you’d all be better if I wasnt in the picture”, “Im useless”, “I suck”)

“Okay, I noticed someone is showing 1+ of these, WHAT DO I DO NOW?!”

ALWAYS STOP AND ASK THEM, OPENLY: Have you ever considered taking your own life or hurting yourself? have you given any thought to how’d you do it? do you have any specific plan? if the answears are yes: do they have access to the method they’ve chosen? // Side note: NO. by asking them about it you wont be “planting the seed” in their minds. if anything, you’ll be opening the door so they feel safe enough to share their truth. if they’ve never thought about it, they’d literally be like “the fuck, dude?? of course not!! you are batshit crazy”.

LISTEN!!!! to whatever they have to say. I know this can be hard but breathe and let them speak. I can guarantee you: they need to be heard. try not to interrupt or come up with YOUR thoughts about their situation.

VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS: “I get it. Given the circumstances, I can see why you’re thinking about killing (or hurting) yourself”. // Side note: No, it does not mean you agree or justify their decision. you are just saying “hey, I hear you. its understandable you’re feeling this way. I’d probably feel the same way if I were in your shoes”. Do NOT judge! (who are we to judge someone else’s suffering anyway? keep in mind they are going through a lot! plus, they are not being able to see other way out for the pain.)

TRY AND CLARIFY THE PROBLEM: a person that wants to commit suicide, is a person in crisis. what happened? what was the event that lead to this person wanting to hurt themself at this point? what has stopped the person from killing themself in the past?

TRY TO COME UP WITH ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS: what can we do other thank killing ourselves? what are other ways of dealing with this unbearable situation at this moment? these alternative solutions must come from both of you rather than your own personal experience or what you think would work best. find what will work best for this particular person in this particular situation given their own history.

REFER THEM to a general hospital, a mental health center or professional.

ASK THEM if it’d be okay with them if you called their parents or someone who could look after them for a while, make sure they are safe. if they are underage or showing a lot of agitation and refusing to get any help, you can call an adult or 911 or even the firefighters so they can take care of the situation, just explain to the person what are you going to do and why. do not do things behind their backs.

#suicide prevention #lets fight the stigma #and talk about it #suicide #mental health

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moggieblanket-blog · 6 years

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My Autism Evaluation

I wanted to write this for a number of reasons. First, I wanted to provide an explanation of the process I went through in order to help those who are currently seeking a diagnosis, to give them a better idea of what they might reasonably expect to experience. Secondly, I see many posts on this site which dismiss official diagnoses with statements like, “All they do is give you a list of traits to fill out!” or, “Doctors sometimes don’t have enough experience in X disorder to know what they’re talking about!”

I cannot speak for other diagnoses, but I can tell you now that as far as autism is concerned (and also ADHD; I will add a post about my diagnostic experience with that condition once I receive my assessment results), the number of tests which rely on quantitative data (e.g hard numbers that leave no room for interpretation), external family input, and the observations of both a primary and secondary diagnostician, both in the room at the same time, and who later compare notes, mean that a single doctor’s interpretation or idea of what autism does or doesn’t look like is largely irrelevant to the diagnosis.

For the way in which I was assessed, if you met the numeric cutoff for the various tests, you got the diagnosis, if you didn’t, you didn’t. There was really no room for doctor bias or opinion. I was 21 years old at the time of testing.

My diagnostic evaluation took place in increments over a period of five days that spanned a three-month period between February and April. The eval was administered by a graduate student who was being filmed and mentored by a doctor in psychology. The student met with the psychologist after each of my sessions, and the footage and test results were reviewed and discussed.

My initial appointment was two hours long. It consisted of a detailed intake evaluation which included questions about my current and childhood histories; my family and relationships; the symptoms I experienced both past and present; questions about physical illnesses, any substance abuse, trauma, and all other meaningful life events (family deaths, divorce, etc.). I was given basic one-page screenings for symptoms of depression and anxiety (neither of which I had in sufficient quantities at that time to warrant diagnosis; those would come later). I was also given two different multi-page forms for my parents to fill out (my mother completed mine.) They asked detailed open-ended questions about my early childhood and development, any anomolies or missed milestones, my medical history, etc. They also included at least 50 likert-scale questions (questions whose responses are chosen from a multi-point scale; e.g 1-5 with 1 being mildest and 5 being most severe) about traits I exhibited throughout my childhood which would be specific indicators of ASD. My mother filled these out independently with zero input from me.

My second appointment occurred two weeks later. I submitted all of the paperwork I and my parents had been given to complete, and was given an IQ test, specifically the WAIS-IV (Welscher Adult Intelligence Scale edition 4). This test took two hours to complete, and consisted of spatial reasoning and pattern-recognition tasks (creating patterns from blocks, visually constructing complex illustrated shapes by selecting a specific quantity of smaller illustrated components, the trail test, etc.). Following that were tests of short-term memory and memorization; auditory processing; abstract language abilities (e.g similarities between given words, word definitions, etc.); mental arithmetic and number manipulation; and general knowledge assessment (e.g who was X famous dead person? What does this formula mean? etc.)

The second appointment also included a self-test to pinpoint features of psychotic or personality disorders such as Schizophrenia, Antisocial personality disorder, Bipolar disorder, etc. This was not a basic test in which answers could be fabricated to achieve a specific result. It had a built-in failsafe which allowed the examiner to determine if the answers were genuine or being manipulated during scoring.

Appointment number three took another two hours, during which I was given the WIAT-II (Welscher Individual Achievement Test, edition 2). This was a test of academic achievement which screened for academic ability, particularly as it related to the overall intelligence scores attained on the IQ test. It was used to determine the presence of any learning disabilities, and examined everything from oral reading ability to reading and writing comprehension; spelling; basic and advanced mathematics and processing speed.

The final appointment before sitting down to discuss test results took just under an hour. The grad student who had been examining me performed the ADOS-2 (Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule edition 2, module 4 for fully verbal adults). Sitting to the side to observe our interactions and score the test, was a second grad student.

This test was a semi-structured interaction between the examiner and myself, during which time the examiner presented a multitude of activities which were designed to elicit specific responses, the nature of which could indicate the presence or absence of autism. It “pressed” for responses to social reciprocity; attempts at social overtures; nonverbal body language; idiosyncradic language or behaviours; odd or extremely narrow interests; complex body movements; theory of mind; and the understanding of complex social behaviours such as friendship, marriage, and emotional expression.

The fifth appointment was when I finally received the results of my evaluation. The grad student who had tested me gave me an 18-page document detailing every aspect of the assessment, from the details of our conversations about my childhood and experiences, to breakdowns of the scores on all of my various tests and explanations of their meanings, and a multi-paragraph examination of my ADOS results, along with a quantitative chart denoting my scores relative to each social press.

Page 14 noted that I officially met the necessary criteria for an autism spectrum diagnosis, and that I had no learning disabilities or depression, but that my anxiety, while not severe enough to warrant a diagnosis, was high enough to be in need of monitoring.

The four pages after that contained a number of recommendations for future treatment, including individual therapy, social skills group, medication, and continued self-education.

And there you have it. As you can see, an autism evaluation, when conducted properly, is so much more than just a doctor giving you a checklist of symptoms, or of you describing your symptoms to a psychologist and their saying, “Yep, sounds like autism!” It is very detailed and complex, and takes a lot of time and energy, both on the part of the person being evaluated, and on that of the diagnostician. It is not a simple thing, but, at the end of the day, you can rest assured that the testing was thorough and in earnest, not something that was cobbled together halfheartedly.

This is why I get so frustrated when I read things like, “I know myself better than a doctor does!” or, “Doctors make mistakes too!” Of course doctors make mistakes, they are human too. The difference is, doctors are far, far less likely to make a mistake than a layman reading information on the internet, because they’ve studied their specific field for years, and taken very specific, very difficult licensing exams to be able to conduct testing. Doctors also have the ability to use objective, quantitative evaluations of your strengths and weaknesses to reach conclusions about you that you didn’t know about yourself. For example, I suspected that my atrocious math skills were a result of dyscalculia. They’re not. They’re the result of a severely diminished processing speed (as in 13th percentile severe, meaning that 87% of the adult population has a processing speed that is faster than mine). If I had just rattled off a list of symptoms to my psychologist and said, “I really suck at math,” and she took that at face value, I could easily have been misdiagnosed with dyscalculia and given inappropriate treatment. I don’t need to be taught math differently, I just need to be taught it more slowly. Please remember this post the next time you see someone say, “Professional diagnosis is no more valid than self-diagnosis because professionals just listen to you talk about symptoms and give you a checklist off the internet!” Thank you.

TLDR: My autism eval was very long, very time and energy-intensive, used a variety of different standardized testing measures, and was generally a lot more complex than being given a questionnaire by my therapist or reeling off my symptoms and being told, “Yep, it’s autism!”

#actuallyautistic #evaluation #self-diagnosis #self-dx #ados #iq test #prof dx

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heartofsnark · 6 years

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Get To Know The Writer

I was tagged by the lovely @lin-ful, just so you know. You’re another writer who I follow on my personal account and who’s work I’ve loved since before I started writing for the kbtbb fandom.

1. It’s the end of the world (?). You don’t feel fine. You need to burn books to stay warm. Which book off of your shelf burns first?

Bye-bye textbooks. I actually don’t have a lot of narrative books on my shelves. While I was an avid reader, I was also a poor kid, now I’m a poor adult who acts like a kid; character development! So, the public library was a good friend. I really love my for fun books I do own, so textbooks go first.

2. If your writing could convey a message that you think desperately needs to be heard, what would be it?

Uh, I think the biggest thing I think I can effectively communicate that those in the fanfic writing community could use is that, this is suppose to be fun. I know for me personally; it can feel really easy to get caught up in writing what pleases others, trying to meet perceived expectations, trying to force yourself to be productive, or whatever. Validation and praise is incredible, one compliment can make your entire day, but if you lose sight of what makes writing fun for you, is it really worth it in the end? So, write what you want and don’t get to caught up in what gets the most notes. If there’s passion behind what you’re doing, you’ll find the people who appreciate it.

3. Has an OC ever said something that surprised you?

Yeah, as strange as that is to say since it is an original character and I control them. I am a bit of a write by the seat of your pants kind of person, my plots has changed literally paragraphs into the work. So, sometimes I’m caught off guard by the things I write.

4. Do you collect things writing or reading related? Something that supplements your ~process~?

I am an office/school supply hoarder. I love writing on paper, before I move things to my computer. I have way too many pens, notebooks, sticky notes, binders; literally the second I get my refund money for college, I am go to the office supply sections. I even have one of those little desk organizers and it’s overflowed. I also have a cat shaped sticky note holder.

5. A celebrity author you admire loves one of your books and their praise will appear in the next edition. Now they’ve written a new book, but… it wasn’t your cup of tea. Their publisher wants a blurb about it. Do you tell the truth, or manufacture polite praise?

I’m not about to rain on anyone’s parade. Like, have you seen my writing? Who the hell am I to shit on anyone else’s work. I also prefer honesty. If it was like 0/10, I could not find a single positive, I would just tell them I couldn’t write the blurb, get someone else. Otherwise, I would just find the positives. Even if the plot isn’t my particular jam; are the characters good, is the dialogue good, does it flow well, etc.

6. BOOM, MAGIC! You are sucked into one of your worlds. The only way to break the spell is to convince at least three OCs that you are their creator and the creator of their world. How would you try to do it?

Who says, I want to break the spell? Ever thought about that? Uh, but legit, it depends on which oc/mc. I’m gonna break the prompt a bit and have 3 MC’s/OC’s from 3 different worlds. Because they’re my favorites.

Regan, my Supernatural OC, would be the easiest to convince hands down. Just by virtue of her being from the Supernatural universe. I would tell her and she’d just be like, “Yeah, fucking probably.” Nothing surprises her at this point. There is literally a plot like this with Chuck in SPN. She’d just throw her hands up in the air and say fuck it.

Haejin, my Mystic Messenger MC, would tell me she believes me even though she wouldn’t; just to get rid of me. I would have to legit, recount her entire backstory to her, then she would just be too freaked out. Like, depending on at what point in her story she’d be at, she’s like asking Jumin for bodyguards. My OC would put a restraining order out against me, if needed.

Tsuneko, my Kissed by The Baddest Bidder MC, would not be having any of it. She’d just be like; “I don’t have the time or energy for this; did the bidders put you up for this? I’m gonna kill them.” She’d be over it and if I kept bugging her; she’d probably threaten me or call security. I’d probably end up having to convince the bidders to convince her; I’d go for Baba, because the rest of them would be mean.

7. You’re stuck having one of your original villains over for dinner. How does it go?

I don’t think I have a lot of original villains, I tend to use the villains of whatever world I’m writing for. There was Camael, an angel villain within my not written Supernatural fic world, which angels don’t eat. So, I doubt she’d come over for dinner.

If it’s okay for me use canon villains. I apparently have a thing for blonde cult leaders.

Rika is a horrific human being; but she’s a pretty lady, have you seen her bad end in V’s route? Dear god, she flusters me. I could listen to her ramble about paradise, I’ll tune her out and look at her pretty face. Then ask Jumin to send his police forces/security out to arrest her. Never tell V and Yoosung, how much I was attracted to their abusive ex and cousin. I have a fear kink, so villains get to me, I don’t think I would act on it in the reality, but it’s a temptation.

Within KBTBB, Mamoru would hate me forever, but, Aida isn’t a bad looking man. Obviously, he’s a bad man, but he’s easy on the eyes. Again, listen to crazy cult ramblings, make fear kink related goo goo eyes. Then call Mamoru to come get him, before I make a terrible decision. I don’t know why this became me thirsting over cult leaders, but here we are.

8. Has writing benefited you in any way?

Definitely, writing has benefited me. I’ve met people through it, I’ve gained confidence through people’s positivity, I’ve gotten to vent and express some of my issues. I think literally any writer will tell you writing benefits them, otherwise they wouldn’t be a writer.

9. You discover that whatever you write about comes to pass/becomes reality. After securing your own comfort, what do you write?

All financial problems for me and my family are solved, first thing. Not necessarily rich, but enough to always be secure and enjoy life. Second, I become thinner and prettier, cause while it shouldn’t be confidence, is often tied to physical appearance and mine is awful. Third, I instantly have my masters degree in social work, I have a job I am happy and secure in that still gives me enough time to write and enjoy my hobbies. Last, all of my biases come into existence and I get to be at the center of the best poly-amorous relationship in the history of the universe.

10. Chosen pen name?

My blog username….? I don’t really call myself anything special. I’ve said what my actual name is on here, I think you guys know my name. Do you all know my name? It’s on my about page, but that can’t be trusted, cause hellsite. I don’t really care that much about what you all call me. You can call me by my first name (It’s Mariah), you can call me by some variation of my username/url, call me fuckface for all I care; what do you want to call me? Go for it, unless it’s something really fucked up and troubling, I doubt I’ll care. I like to think that despite my borderline crippling anxiety disorder, I’m a pretty chill person.

Tagging: Whoever wants to do it? Like, if you haven’t done it yet and want to, go for it.

#get to know the writer #not writing #is it okay to tag the fandoms?#kbtbb #mysme #spn #If not let me know and I'll take them off

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vvitcheshq · 6 years

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And here’s our second sample application, for anyone still looking for a little clarification on what we’re looking for in an app -- I hope that it’s helpful to you all, but if you have any other questions about what we’re looking for as you work on your application, please do let us know!

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED SKELTON: Amaryllis CHARACTER NAME: Imogen Gisladottir AGE: 24 GENDER & PRONOUNS: nonbinary/transfeminine, they/them or she/her MAGICAL DISCIPLINE: Imogen is in the 6th year of their advanced study of theoretical Pattern Magic FACECLAIM: Laura Harrier

DEVELOPMENT

PAST: ( trigger warnings: maternal death )

At four in the afternoon on the 11th of September, a woman enters the maternity ward of St. Agnes’ hospital alone and in labor. Too thin, too small to be more than a few weeks into her third trimester. They rush her to a room, and she spends nine hours in labor before a doctor makes the call to cut her open.

At 3:45am on the 12th of September, she dies. The baby nearly does, too, umbilical cord wrapped around their neck, mouth open in a tiny o desperate to take in air but finding none, but a young midwife named Olayemi Adeyemi pushes air back into the little under-developed lungs and, though the baby does not cry, they do begin to breathe.

The mother has no family, no husband or boyfriend by her side, no parents to call. No one to claim her body. No one to claim her baby. And there is this: a tiny spark, which Yemi sees int he baby’s eyes, as they take their first breath, a sign of something special within them.

No one else is in the room. It isn’t difficult to set a pen down here, close the curtains just so, draw a sigil in condensation on the windowpane, a confluence of events that makes the baby disappear. Lungs not properly developed, the papers say, once they are signed and stamped and filed away deep in the archives of the hospital. And Yemi takes the quiet, wide-eyed baby back home.

It is six years before the baby gets a name. Six years of being passed between witches with their hands full, cared for lovingly, doted on, cooed over and smiled at. There are eleven witches, in the Blair coven -- plus one who they explain to their curious new child is visiting other covens, learning to master other forms of magic.

And baby makes thirteen.

When they are six, Gisla Minervudottir comes home to her beloved coven, having finally mastered technological magic -- she’s got everything but chaos magic, now, maybe years away from being able to petition for her ability to be considered for the elections of the High Council. Gisla sees the child -- wide eyed, still, whipcord thin, hair wild from running around after their mothers -- and smiles.

Gisla names them Imogen, promises to stay a while before heading for Seattle to meet with the coven she plans to stay with there. She stays just long enough for Imogen to grow transfixed.

It is Yemi who raises them, while Gisla travels the world, studies, campaigns, all in turn, all in pursuit of this higher goal. Yemi who teaches them the concepts that make pattern magic, who -- though, without their inheritance, they cannot do real magic get -- teaches them how to crack the shell of a hard-boiled egg just so, to make the birds outside sing a little louder, teaches them how to hang prisms on the door so that the light will make the house invisible to wandering eyes.

But it is Gisla whose name they take -- a whirlwind of charismatic energy, the kind of authoritative charm that will one day win her a seat as High Council.

They study pattern magic with fervor, every moment of their young life anticipating the moment of their inheritance, when they can finally put all of their work to use. Gisla comes home, for their inheritance ceremony, and she smiles in approval at the patron who has chosen them, a respectable patron, if lower-profile than they would have anticipated. But Imogen loves it fiercely, this new power, being filled up with this meticulous magic, and the next day they pack their things and Gisla herself takes them to Aradia, to begin their education.

There is never a question of what discipline they will choose. They pay their other studies only a passing glance, their first year, and the day they are able to they declare their intention to pursue an advanced track in pattern magic. It comes hand in hand with their mother’s appointment as High Council, all cause for celebration. Gisla asks them, over dinner, just the two of them, what they think of Professor Stokes, if they think she will be a satisfactory teacher, and when Imogen gushes about how much they respect their new Head Professor, Gisla purses her lips and hmms, as if that wasn’t the answer she’d wanted.

Year two, year three, year four, year five. Imogen excels. It’s not a surprise. They’re expected to, and so they do. Their life as rigid as their magic, everything to a set schedule, an obsessively kept bullet journal, every assignment neatly done and turned in on time. A master semiotician, that’s the aim, that’s what every breath they take is working towards.

They are making progress. They will make their mother proud. Every night spent in the library, every pattern that sucks them dry of energy, it will all be worth it when they can finally make her proud.

And then Gisla Minervudottir comes to Aradia, to speak with the Headmistress, on Council business. And she leaves, without stopping by the Pattern College to see them.

PERSONALITY:

+ precise -- it comes from pattern magic, you see; everything is so particular, not a millimeter out of place, and being raised with it it is something they have taken to heart: everything intentional, everything just so. the better the rules of pattern magic are followed, the stronger the magic is. + attentive -- they learned early on to pick out details so insignificant others would pass them by, because these are the fuel on which their magic alights. they notice things, constantly aware, always focused. + honest -- they’re matter of fact, not seeing the point in lying -- it only gets people in trouble after all, only causes misunderstandings and miscommunications and things to go wrong. they’re honest, sometimes, to the point of brutality, but they don’t see it that way, they’re just telling it like it is. - uncompromising -- it comes from that stubborn need to prove themself to their mother. it comes from the rigid rules by which they live their life. when their mind is made up, there is no changing it, and when there is something that needs to be done, it will be done. - insecure -- they hide it so well, they really do, but there is a yearning to prove themself, at every step, the constant thought that they have to work to be good enough to deserve what they’ve been given, to make their mother proud - selfish -- there’s so much to focus on in the narrow circle that is their life that they have no time or energy to look outside of it. it’s so much easier, after all, to fulfill your own needs than others, to do what’s best for you, to remain neutral in situations that don’t effect you even when it might been someone else gets hurt.

PATRON:

Janan Mazanderani (Tehran, 1928-1979 A.D.)

Born into a strict Muslim family, Janan did not discover her magical aptitude until she was granted her own inheritance, and ran away from home when she did, taking shelter with a small group of elemental witches in Tehran. Her own magical interests, however, lay in more theoretical fields, and over the course of her life she wrote several texts on pattern magic, with a focus to the possibility of using a blend of pattern and social magics to enact socio-political change. Over the course of her life, she housed and taught many young runaways. Unusually short-lived for a witch, Janan was killed for her political activism at the height of the Iranian Revolution.

PLOTS:

AND WHAT IF YOU’RE BACKING THE WRONG HORSE? Imogen’s patron had a revolutionary spirit that Imogen never fully embraced, but with massive political change in the air -- change their mother is behind -- the two sides of them, their family and their patron, are starting to come into conflict. should they stick on the well-trodden road, follow the rules like they always have? or is it time to embrace the revolutionary spirit they’re starting to feel increasingly called to?

CALCULATE THE ENTROPY. with everything so perfectly ordered, so obsessively constrained to the strictures of pattern magic, what happens when Imogen comes across a problem they can’t solve by aligning things just so? what happens when they need to let something destructive and unpredictable like chaos magic into the carefully demarcated limits of their neat little life? how hard will they fight against disorder before they have to give in?

ANOTHER BRILLIANT IDEA TO GET US KILLED, OR WORSE: EXPELLED. there are secret clubs doing illegal magic, in the Aradia Institute, and while Imogen pretends not to know about them, they do. and while getting accidentally involved in one wasn’t exactly on their to-do-before-graduation list, how hard can they fight against the well-repressed urge to have a little fun?

EXTRAS

x. inspo tag x. patron graphic

#sample application #amaryllis

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pinelife3 · 4 years

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Whatever happened to Lainey Gossip?

Lainey Gossip was the smartest celebrity gossip site on the internet. I was an avid reader for most of my adult life. You may recall my April 2016 blog post about gossip and, in particular, blind items. Well, it’s been nearly a year since Lainey posted a blind item. In the site’s heyday (pre-2017), she posted a blind roughly once a month.

Beyond the drop-off in blind items, the site has decayed in a number of ways. It’s become smug and self-aggrandising. They rolled lifestyle content onto the main blog feed, so now I have to scroll past posts about, I kid you not, baby names. (Caring about baby names is so inherently stupid to me, I feel genuinely irritated just being exposed to that content. Just name your kid something out of the primary religious text for your culture/region/family. Adam can never go out of style.)

The main thing which has turned me off Lainey Gossip is the writers’ misapprehension that the site is some kind of arbiter on social justice issues. Every other day there is a post with some insufferable moralising about feminism, equality, systemic racism, Rowling’s transphobia etc. It’s not that these are bad takes - I actually agree with what they’re saying. But I don’t want to hear it on this site. I don’t refer to gossip writers for guidance on this. Lainey is not a political activist. The writers on the site are just regurgitating ideas and lessons they’ve learnt elsewhere. This post from June was the final straw for me. The relevant part of the post is Alia Shawkat’s apology for saying the n-word during an interview in 2016. The clip of her actually saying the n-word seems to have disappeared from the internet, but basically she was describing a time when she and some of her friends arrived in a very nice hotel and how she thought of the lyric: “Nigga, we made it" from the Drake song “We Made It”.

Here’s Lainey’s analysis:

As people have pointed out on Twitter, 2016 isn’t that long ago. And Alia was in her 20s. Whether or not you decide to cancel her, as many are doing, is up to you.

I can’t fully account for it, but the phrase ‘Whether or not you decide to cancel her is up to you’ rubbed me the wrong way. Whether you decide to cast her into the fire for not correctly censoring herself when quoting a Drake song. Whether she is destroyed as a person forever. A worthless husk. Irredeemable. Whether her soul should be torn out and her body fed to crows. That’s up to you. The new god? It’s you, the reader of this gossip blog!

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This was during the peak of the Black Lives Matter protests and discussion this year. So, in the second half of the article Lainey gets high on her own farts, like so:

While I have never used the n-word casually, and many of you may say the same, we do all engage with Black art, we do all borrow from it, consciously or unconsciously, in the ways we express ourselves, in the way I have expressed myself here, from fashion to language to GIFs. Think of how much cultural colloquial vocabulary comes from the Black community – recent examples include “lit”, “snatched”, “shady”, “flex”, “tea”, and phrasing that’s become commonplace and permanent in our language like “chill”, “dope”, “extra” – all of this comes from the creativity of Black minds. And they’re almost never credited for it.

So yes, of course, call out people like Alia for their irresponsible use of the most egregious words, but at the same time, let’s all consider how much we owe to the Black community for what they’ve given to us and for little we’ve given back in respect, appreciation, and credit. Because while the immediate urgency of Black Lives Matter is to prevent more senseless killings of Black people, the broader focus of BLM is Black dignity in all forms, and all of this is related. We can’t say that we honour Black humanity if we are erasing their contributions in all aspects of our lives.

Thanks Lainey. To be clear, I wouldn’t mind if this was the only time she’d shared an opinion like this - but this type of argument is repeated ad nauseaum across the site. She’s a therapist. She’s a civil rights activist. She knows what’s good for you. She speaks with great authority on how to solve racism.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and Lainey is apologising for the hideous shit she used to write on her blog in the early 2000s where her takes were often racist, homophobic, and/or misogynistic. In her apology post, she wrote:

Many people object to cancel culture. My personal opinion on it is that while cancel culture is not always judiciously applied, it does have value. Sometimes people should be cancelled. And if you visit this website often, you might be thinking about whether or not to cancel me. That’s fair.

...I have been conditioned in white supremacy, and I have enabled white privilege, even as a person of colour myself, because we too, given that white supremacy is so dominant, can have bias... When I started this site back in 2003/2004, I wrote misogynist things and slut shaming things, and racist things. And as the site grew in popularity, it served as confirmation bias, that there was an appetite out there for this kind of content, and I wanted to keep delivering it. Over time, I learned and grew, along with many of you who have learned and grown. And through it all, I have talked about my progress, calling out my past mistakes and leaving much of that content on the site instead of deleting it. There are some things, though, that have been deleted because I was embarrassed and I didn’t want to be part of it and obviously didn’t want to perpetuate those thoughts. But in the process of doing that, I realised that that would be erasing history – and for marginalised people, their pain and trauma is constantly being erased and invalidated. My leaving it there to be eventually called out is nothing compared to their experience.

Many gossip blogs were like this in the nascent stage of online journalism. They called it snark - and it was very popular. I think in some ways this was to differentiate blogs from the content and coverage in traditional gossip mags. Most gossip magazines are toothless - because they want celebrity interviews and exclusives. But, in 2006, a website was never going to get an interview with anyone worth interviewing so why bother to be nice - especially because being cynical and mean was more entertaining for the average reader. A lot of the gossip coverage that occurred back then would never fly now: ridiculing Britney for shaving her head, fat shaming, cruel coverage of celebrity eating disorders, slut shaming. The edgelord humour of the early blogs was crushed beneath the wheels of progress.

I don’t care about what Lainey wrote in 2006 - I don’t think it’s nice, I don’t think it’s interesting or funny, I wouldn’t have chosen to read it. But it doesn’t change my view of the site as a whole. What it does do though, is highlight how hollow all the talk of respecting women, honouring Black culture, working to be better, being good allies, etc. is on this site. Because it’s not really about doing that shit - it’s about telling other people off for not doing it. Lainey has weaponised wokeness as her new snark.

After the fall out around Lainey’s embarrassing old articles, a banner was added to all of the articles on the site which were published before 2013:

She’s effectively disavowed half of the blog’s history. Lainey Gossip launched in 2004. Is it really fair to say that articles published in 2012 were posted during an early period of the site?

What is Lainey doing when she toys with Alia Shawkat’s fate like Anton Chigurh tossing a coin? She knows in her heart of hearts that she has also said things she regrets, also said unsavory things in public that she didn’t really mean. It’s so weird: can’t you see the parallels between yourself and her? Lainey is pretty clear in her apology that she’s acknowledging the problematic history of the blog because people were exposing her on social media. Were it not for this, she likely would have continued writing about problematic shit other people did 10 years ago without acknowledging that she is no better.

Again, I want to be really clear: my issue isn’t with the articles she wrote in the early days of the site. It’s the weirdness around publicly criticising people when your own behaviour is comparably bad. What could you gain from doing that beyond reveling in the snark? Destroying someone else before the mob you helped create comes for you?

Let me remind you: THIS USED TO BE A GOSSIP BLOG with analysis of celebrity culture, movie deals, blind items, industry insider stories. Now it’s just been sucked into the culture war vortex. Ruined by the discourse.

Gossip used to be talking about other people’s business: Speculating about which Victoria’s Secret model DiCaprio would pick up next. Investigating rumours that Jennifer Lawrence faked her tumble on the stairs at the Oscars. Analysing why a celebrity filed their divorce papers in California rather than Texas. Waiting to see which celebrity would be the first to wear Marchesa on a red carpet after the fall of Weinstein.

Gossip is a way of learning what is acceptable in society, a way of observing how others perceive and react to the decisions people make - and how behaviour which violates societal norms attracts backlash. It’s even more interesting when the subject of that gossip is rich and famous. Lainey Gossip is no longer turning out this kind of content - so where can we go for these insights?

The best barometer for conservative public opinion on celebrity movements and the related enforcement of societal norms is the The Daily Mail comments section. The Daily Mail itself seems like something of a journalistic agent of chaos: I would have assumed that they swung right, but they post pro-Trump articles and anti-Trump articles. They do not seem to have a dog in the fight: the world turns, empires rise and fall and The Daily Mail persists.

In the ‘entertainment news’ articles on the site, no impassioned arguments are made, no particular analysis is shared: the journalists position themselves as impartial observers just reporting the facts. Occasionally a piece is clearly designed to bait the readers - for example, any time they mention the price of someone’s home in the headline... “Celebrity in $13 million mansion reminds fans to appreciate the small things” or that kind of crap. But the article itself is just a list of facts. No analysis, no reflection - just positioning.

Also interesting to observe is that The Daily Mail comments section is typically quite harmonious. Readers generally have similar take-aways from articles and it’s very rare to see an argument break out in the comments section. It’s as if Daily Mail readers think with one mind:

Stay with wife many years? Very good. Society like this. Daily Mail readers approve.

Stay with wife many years and maybe wife is slightly overweight? Oh yes - this guy is the best. International hero. Daily Mail readers all agree: we love.

Stay with wife many years and then divorce her? Hmm let’s see how this situation develops before we judge...

Stay with wife many years and then divorce her to be with younger woman? You die now.

The Daily Mail comments section is a glance into the void. A pit of human misery where people say exactly what they think. No subtext. No analysis required.

They like Pierce Brosnan because he is a straight-forward nice male celebrity and he has been with his wife for a long time - his wife is a little overweight so it makes readers feel good to imagine that he might not be repulsed by the average woman.

They do not like Emma Roberts because in 2013 she was arrested for beating her boyfriend in a hotel room. This was a long time ago and not many people think about it now. She has a successful career and is well liked on social media. But that’s because those youngsters forget.

The Daily Mail comments section does not forget. Their memory is long and their pity is scarce. They are society’s hive mind. The majority. A snapshot of what 95% of the planet’s population would think on any given subject - which actually makes for very interesting reading.

Forget about Lainey Gossip, trawl The Daily Mail comments section with me.

#lainey gossip #alia shawkat #cancel culture #gossip #the daily mail #pierce brosnan #emma roberts

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and-then-theres-that · 7 years

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Apparently I was unblocked to be blocked again...anyhow. The Psychology of the Youth of the Nation

The more time I spend on tumblr, the more I feel like these are the generation of kids I will be dealing with as I head into my chosen career path. And it’s taking so much of my sanity, what’s left of it, to not tell them the same thing I’m about to tell the rest of you...You’re not special.

(Sorry you have to read this, read more doesn’t work)

More often than not on this site, and others in the same caliber of it, I see more and more special snowflakes coming forward to complain about one thing or another that bothers them. This is, inherently, the use of a blog with a journaling aspect added to it and while all the power goes to you who need to vent about the situation at home or at work and you would rather not let the familial side of Facebook know your inner most workings and thoughts, some of these people need to be stopped. Far too often people with “disabilities” are making themselves into martyrs and by doing this they are only serving to invalidate the people with actual problems. {Disabilities is in quotes for a reason, bear with me}

Most of the problems all boil down to a believability problem, are we, the readers of these blogs, actually supposed to believe and accept as reality all of the problems of the people behind the zeroes and ones of the internet, or is it an anonymity situation where the individual on the other side feels they can say whatever they want with little to no consequences on them? I haven’t the foggiest notion which it is, all I know is as a psychological semi-professional heading into this career, you have all got to realize a few things. Those “disabled” individuals are not the only problem, of course, there’s also a large section of the LGBTQA community at large who believe that the world somehow owes them something because they are/identify/present themselves as something different than the rest of the world is prepared to deal with. I’ll get to them in a moment, let’s start with the Disabilities, since I’m liable to anger a good portion of people with it.

[Just a point of reference, if you want to tell me off, Anon is turned off, so you’ll have to actually be an adult and come out and say these things. I don’t believe in anonymity when you’re trying to be an asshole. Say it to my face or don’t say it at all.]

Disabilities

I truly feel I shouldn’t have to say this at all, but there seems to be a large number of individuals out there who don’t realize the harm they are doing by acting the way that they are. So here goes:

HAVING A DISABILITY IS NOT CUTE HAVING A DISABILITY IS NOT EDGY HAVING A DISABILITY DOES NOT EXCUSE YOU FROM BEING A SHITTY PERSON HAVING A DISABILITY IS NOT COOL HAVING A DISABILITY DOES NOT MAKE YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE HAVING A DISABILITY SHOULD NEVER BE USED TO GET ATTENTION

!!!!!!!!

Like I said, I feel I shouldn’t have said this. But over the recent days I have encountered or heard of several people out there who seem to be milking mental disorders or even physical ones for all they can for the attention it gives them. Let me provide you with some insight here:

My wife has severe, occasionally crippling depression and anxiety that has, on rare occasions stopped her from doing things she’s either really wanted to do or has really needed to do. Not permanently, mind you, but the disorders have postponed the necessary thing either hours or even days from when they need to be done. But this rarely happens, and when it does she apologizes for the situation at hand and we rearrange and try again another day. Most of the time, however, she acts like an adult, bottles up those things that are bothering her and goes on with her life because the world does not stop, and neither can she. She does what she needs to do. She does not get onto social media, make some vague-post about how miserable her life is and how she wishes she would just die and whine about her current situation. She is not an attention seeker and she doesn’t use her disorder as an excuse for acting like a shitty person.

I have multitudes of disorders of my own, handicapped and scarred, I have to make the world work for me because the majority of the time the way something is supposed to go isn’t going to be the way that I can do it. I’m also autistic, and some times I revert to a childlike state where nothing is going my way and I feel like all I want to do is throw myself on the ground and scream and cry and kick my feet because I can’t possibly function at the high caliber I’m supposed to. I get on kicks which can sometimes pose threats to my being a capable, well adjusted person. Some days I can’t, some days I shut down and want to do nothing else but color and watch Disney movies or Pokemon and if it’s possible, my wife lets me do just that. But because I’m not a 12 year old, I have to suck up what’s wrong with me and actually carry on through my day. I find my safety net (which is, more often than not, one of my totoros), I put on my big boy pants and I move on. Because I’m an adult. I don’t get onto social media, make some vague-post about how miserable my life is and how I wish the world would just go away and whine about my current situation. I am not an attention seeker and I am not using my disorder as an excuse for acting like a shitty person.

Do you see what I’m getting at here?

Being autistic, or having PTSD, anxiety, depression, dissociative disorder, or what have you is not an excuse to be a genuine prick. These disorders don’t give you the right to look down on anyone or to lash out and then try to brush over it by saying you were having an episode or a bad day. Bad days happen, hell, bad weeks can happen but you are the one who makes the decision to let yourself act like an infant in public. Lying in your bed on Snapchat and whining to anyone who will listen about your issues isn’t typically seen of the people who truly have these ordeals to go through because we aren’t trying to seek attention but are rather trying to just get through our day with as few incidents as possible.

Advertising that you had a fit and then took a pill and you’re “all better now” is not how it works. I’ve watched my wife struggle with the notion of whether she should take a pill and be in a haze the rest of the night, if taking that little white pill and calming herself down is really worth all the sugar she’s going to have to ingest just to feel somewhat normal the following day. Those pills aren’t magic, where suddenly you take them and you’re all better like you never had depression or anxiety or whatever. My wife is on excellent medication that does really help her but it doesn’t solve the main problem. She still has what she calls “poorly written episodes” Medication is a long-term solution, it’s not a cure-all.

I take pain medication for when the chronic pain just becomes too much to bear, but even then, when I take it (and I try very hard not to take anything due to problems in my family involving drug abuse) it doesn’t sweep through my body like a happy pill and make me feel like I can do jumping jacks and run a marathon. All it does is make me feel like I can carry on with whatever project I’m trying to do that day with some degree of control so I’m not wincing and twitching every 5 seconds. Some people have it worse than I do and I feel nothing but the greatest sympathy for them, so long as they don’t languish around in self-pity about how their life is the worst thing that has ever happened to them and they just can’t handle it.

I can generally say that if you are trying to convince people that you have anxiety, depression, etc to the extent that you need medication but are not willing to go to a doctor and get help, in all likelihood you do NOT have a disorder at all and are only attempting to pull sympathy and attention away from those people who actually may need it but are too busy trying to get through their daily routines to sit around and beg for it. You are the boy who cried wolf, whining and making yourself into a martyr only so you can bring the focus onto yourself to satisfy some infantile need to be coddled and treated with kid gloves. When something truly happens to you that you suffer some kind of misfortune, no one will believe you because all you’ve done is whine about unimportant, menial events within your life and now no one cares what you’re doing now, they will roll their eyes and look the other way because you are just a drama seeker.

People who have mental problems, should definitely seek out professional help. Social media will not help you, in some cases Facebook, Snapchat, even Instagram and ESPECIALLY tumblr can make it worse. Reaching out for help on social media sites doesn’t make you any more likely to get it than walking outside your door and screaming will call a police officer to your side. You have to be willing to get help for your own problems, and if you’re not willing to do this because you say you can’t find resources or no one will listen to you, I would take a high priced bet there’s no real issue with you at all. Google any disorder and help comes up within the first few links. It’s not hard for someone who genuinely needs help to find it. For the people whining and bitching about their day to day life being horrible and so much so that going outside their door will cause them a panic attack, you should not be sitting on the computer looking for help from the millions of pixels on a screen as you type out how pathetic you feel.

This goes for the people who take photos of their cutting and self harm as well. Self harming is not something to be broadcast to the four winds, it needs to be treated but the majority of the people who do these things to themselves only admit that they have done it after their scars have healed and they’ve gotten help. They do not record themselves self-harming for the notes. Don’t do that shit for the vine, the gram or the chat, it’s not healthy, it’s only making you less believable and anyone else who has something leading them to hurt themselves less likely to get any assistance. You are hurting yourself and others by martyring yourself.

LGBTQA....I feel like I’m missing some letters, this alphabet soup has gone to far.

All aspects of our communities are important, I’m not going to spend any time trying to say that Lesbians are more important than Gay men or that Bisexuals shouldn’t be willing to stand up for themselves or Poly-amory is somehow less about the people involved than it is about sex or Asexuals should just find the right person....you see what I’m doing here, right? What I will say is this, no letter of that line of people is any less important than any other but somehow because of sites like Tumblr and Reddit there is a large group of people out there who believe there should be a label and a title with a long winded definition for every aspect of every group that is within the community of people in the world. You can’t just be trans anymore you’ve got to be “Insert long title” here. And it’s not just our community that has this problem either. There are so many words out there, heterosexual people are now cisgendered, or cischet (what the hell is this? You can’t just put words together and call it a thing) or they’re secretly denying their internal gayness because a woman has the ability of looking at another woman and appreciating her beauty. You can no longer say you’re gay but you look at a male/female and see their aesthetic beauty and still be accepted as gay.

What is all that about? As a way of simplifying it, we are a community as human beings. I don’t care if the person next to me is gay or straight or black or white or yellow or has somehow turned themselves bright blue. The community is humanity.

That being said, any of those labels you assign to yourself or anyone else do not make you any more or less special than the next person sitting next to you. You are not a special snowflake who needs to be accepted and protected from every thing in the world that may cause you harm.

There is a problem within the community. Everyone has a sense of self-entitlement that they wear proudly and exclaim to everyone that is within hearing range that they are whoever they are and while that is okay that you are proud to be whatever you are, the person sitting beside you may see things another way. If you want them to accept you, you need to be willing to accept that they may not accept you. Hard concept to grasp, I know, but it’s there. Not everyone is going to accept you, and as long as they are not causing you any kind of harm to you, you shouldn’t force them to accept you for who and what you are. We are human beings, we all deserve the basic set of rights that say we can marry, we can vote, we can breathe...whatever but no one group or one person should expect that the group beside them is going to accept them.

I’m going to clarify here, I’m not saying that it’s okay for certain groups to lash out at others. If you’re causing any kind of physical or mental harm to someone, you need to take a long, hard look at your life and consider why you think it’s okay to hurt someone because you don’t agree with their lifestyle. What I’m talking about at the people at Pride-fest who think that they are allowed to be any more or less prideful in who they are than the person next to them. A drag queen has just as much right to be proud of themselves as the trans woman beside them. Just because we’re different doesn’t make us any less important or valid. But it doesn’t give us the right to force our beliefs down the throats of those around us.

If your family doesn’t accept you as being gay, I’m sorry but throwing it in their faces every time you see them isn’t going to help you any. If you’re trans and people in your family don’t accept that, I’m sorry but you may not be able to change their minds about it and you may find yourself having to have to swallow a lot of rhetoric. You need to be willing to stick by who you are without expecting everyone else to cow-tow down to your wills.

The last thing I want to talk about is along the same lines as the community of letters above but...slightly different.

In the land of fiction, either on television, in books or movies there’s been a surge of something that’s referred to as the Queer-bait. Where two people are put into situations where they’re supposedly made to look as though they are mocking/part of the homosexual side of the community. While this does happen...

NOT EVERYTHING IS QUEER-BAITING NOT EVERY MAN WHO IS FRIENDS WITH ANOTHER MAN IS GOING TO BE CONSIDERED GAY FOR THAT PERSON TWO PEOPLE CAN BE FRIENDS AND NOT BE HAVING SEX MORE THAN TWO PEOPLE CAN EXIST IN A SIMULTANEOUS SPACE WITHOUT EVERYONE GETTING FUCKED FROM ONE ANGLE OR THE OTHER

That’s pretty much all I have to say in the matter there.

As I go forward as a psychological professional, I have to wonder if I’m going to have to repeat this entire thing to a stunned face of a teenager who thinks that the world owes them something because they’ve declared themselves a red panda. [Red Panda herein referring to the most over-dramatic, panicky, twitchy little fuzz-bucket you’ve ever met]

#lgbt🌈#We're all adults here #rant #personal #mental health #personal health #psychology

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heartbuiltonhope · 7 years

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Just As You Are - Cassian Andor x Reader

This was actually a request that I received yesterday. It was as follows: Would you be willing to write Cassian x Reader when the Reader has built up an eating disorder after her last relationship didn't end so great? (Delete this if it's outside of what you want to be doing, or something.)

I don’t have any personal experience with eating disorders and I’m not sure what the experience is like so I apologize if it sucks. If any of you struggle with this kind of thing always remember that you’re not alone. Even when you think you have no one, you have me and I care about every person on this planet. My advice is pretty shitty but I’m told that I’m a great listener so never be afraid to message me. Enjoy. xx

Warnings: eating disorder, negative thoughts about self, angst, and fluff

You can hardly remember a time when you weren't always worried about the way you looked. It seemed almost normal to you to worry about each and every piece of food you ate and very drink you consumed. At first, the task was agonizing but now you have difficulty imagining changing your lifestyle. You will never admit it out loud but that thought sometimes scares you.

Of course, there was once a time when you didn't care much about such things. You used to have no problem with the way you looked. Sure, you had a few insecurities about yourself, as everyone does, but they never used to haunt you they way they do now. You can almost pinpoint the exact time in your life when your mentality changed. Well, it's more like you can pinpoint the exact person who changed it.

You grew up on Naboo and had a beautiful childhood. Your parents were loving and the planet was as peaceful as could be hoped for given the state of the galaxy at present. You even had a lover on Naboo, whose name was Jai. He was the most handsome man on the planet, you thought then. It seemed like every girl your age wanted him but he had chosen you.

You admired him for his strength as a soldier but he was also capable of wooing you with the sweetest words you had ever heard in your life. He made you feel wanted and that was enough.

Everything was perfect but then you noticed your love with Jai was withering away. He started to avoid you anytime he could get away with it. When you managed to track him down he wasn't as sweet as he had been. In fact, it wasn't until you cornered him after days of trying to find him that he finally told you the truth.

"Jai, please tell me what's wrong. I'll do anything to fix it, to fix us," you say as you attempt to wrap your arms around his neck. At your attempt, he immediately pulls your arms back down to your sides and your heart drops.

"We can't be fixed, Y/N. Please, just let it go," Jai replies as he begins to make his way out the door of your room. At his reply you couldn't help the anger that boiled within you. You hasten your movements and block his escape.

"If you're just going to throw everything that we have away then I at least deserve a reason why!" you yell as you force him away from the door. That seems to make Jai equally angry and there is nothing in the galaxy that could prepare you for what he's about to say.

"Y/N, I just don't love you anymore! I've found someone else," he starts. "You aren't what I want. You just don't look the part."

Any attempt at giving him an equally aggressive and hurtful response is suddenly shut down. Tears spring to your eyes before you can even try to hold them back.

"What is that supposed to mean? You don't love me anymore because of my weight?" you ask quietly.

Jai can only raise his arms up and make his way past you to the door. You don't even care if he leaves anymore and you'd rather not look to see him go.

"You can take my comments however you want," you hear him say behind you. You can hear the door open before he adds, "Good luck finding someone who will love you just as you are." Then the door slams shut.

You fall to your knees on the floor and cry. There seems to be no other option for you. You thought you would marry Jai and stay with him on Naboo. You wanted a family with him but within a few sentences he managed to tear up your heart and destroy your self-esteem.

You wanted to hate him. You deserved to hate him. But in some twisted way you just started to hate yourself. You hated your body because it wasn't good enough for Jai. You just weren't enough to make him stay.

Any hopes of staying on Naboo had left with Jai. There was nothing for you here so you told your parents you were joining the rebellion. They tried to stop you but you were decided. You left days after the incident with Jai and you didn't look back.

You thought the rebellion would help you forget about Jai and in some ways it did. You met people from all over the galaxy and you knew the cause you were fighting for was just. But your self-esteem never seemed to recover. You suddenly felt like a stranger in your own body and you just wanted to feel better. So you started watching what you eat, you skipped meals whenever you could, and if you ate too much or became scared of putting on weight then you just forced yourself to vomit. The results were instant and you saw the change. You were far more slender and you could easily see the bones of your ribs and hips when you stood in the mirror in your undergarments.

You started to like what you saw in the mirror and your habits became routine. You didn't feel any better about yourself but there was a sickening joy in your heart that your body was finally enough.

One of your most trusted friends was Cassian Andor. He was a respected captain in the rebellion with years of experience. You respected him as well but you knew your feelings went deeper than that. He was amazing. He had been one of the first people to welcome you after you left Naboo. He made you feel safe enough to talk about your past and he felt safe with you to talk about his. He knew almost everything about you, except your lost love on Naboo and your deepest and darkest feelings about yourself. There were times when you wanted to say something to him about it but you were afraid. You were afraid that he would think you were crazy for going to such extremes to boost your self-confidence but mostly, you were afraid that he would tell you that Jai had been right.

You finish up some work on the U-Wing that had been damaged in a recent altercation with the Empire. You had first thought of becoming a nurse for the rebellion but you eventually fell in love with working with your hands on the ships. For now, you were a mechanic but you also hoped of becoming a pilot so that you could get into some action for the cause.

You wipe your hands against the soft cloth that you looped through one of the belt loops on your mechanics uniform. You wipe away some of the sweat that has collected on your forehead and look at the clock. It’s dinnertime and most people are packing up or dropping their work to get something to eat. You decide to skip out on the meal once again and hope that you can continue your work without being disturbed. Every once in a while, one of your colleagues tries to shuffle you to the mess hall but after refusing so many times they’ve stopped trying. The galaxy seems to have other plans for you, however, as you feel a hand place itself on your shoulder gently. You turn to face the visitor and there Cassian stands, a pleasant grin on his face that reaches his eyes.

“Y/N, how are you?” he asks through his smile. The smile seems to be contagious as it becomes mirrored on your own lips.

“Cassian, hi. I’m good. I’m just finishing up this U-Wing. Simon has been asking about it for days,” you reply. Cassian’s smile becomes a smirk as he surveys your work.

“He won’t be disappointed,” he says while he runs his hand over the cool metal of the ship. You imagine him running that same hand through your hair and your knees suddenly feel weak.

“Thanks, Cassian. That means a lot coming from you,” you reply softly. You start to wonder why Cassian has approached you in the first place but before you can ask him he says, “I actually came over to ask you to accompany me to dinner. I hardly see you in the mess hall and it’d like to spend more time with you.”

Your mind almost short-circuits. It just sounded like Cassian was asking you for a date. But that couldn’t be. You were you and he’s…Cassian. There’s just no way he would choose you. Besides, he wanted you to eat. There was too much that could go wrong. Cassian would notice you playing with your food but not eating or you would just have to cut your time with him short to make yourself throw up in your living quarters. You just couldn’t do it. Cassian wouldn’t find out your secret like this.

“I’m sorry Cassian but I should really just double check my work so Simon can get his ship back in the morning. Besides, I ate dinner early so I’m good. Maybe next time?” you reply. It kills you to refuse him and you want to take back everything you just said but your brain won’t let you. It tells you Cassian couldn’t possibly want you and you just don’t look the part.

You expect Cassian to walk away after hearing your refusal but he actually moves closer to you. His smirk is gone but he still wears a small smile. It’s barely there and his dark brown eyes have softened. He suddenly looks sad but you aren’t sure if you’re just imagining that.

He opens his arms wide, inviting you into a hug and you don’t refuse that. You are immersed in his body warmth and your treacherous mind is quieted. You can just enjoy his arms wrapped tightly around you and the tickle of his breath against your ear.

“Okay then, next time it is,” Cassian whispers into your ear before he pulls away, wearing the same sad smile as before. You nod softly and watch him walk away until he’s out of sight. Then, you return to your work. All the while your brain picks back up its battle with your heart, telling you that you did the right thing. Your heart doesn’t seem to agree.

As Cassian walks away from you he feels his heart ache with each step. One part of him wants to hold you forever, to be honest with you and just tell you openly what his heart has been feeling for so long. Another part of him wants to question you about something he thinks has been troubling you since you joined the rebellion. He did want to ask you to dinner so he could spend more time with you but he was also testing you to see how you would respond.

He could almost see the defeated look in your eyes as you refused his offer. Not only that but he was an intelligence officer so he knew a lie when he heard one. He hadn’t seen you leave your post since you had a small plate of fruit in the morning and one piece of toast at lunch in the mess hall. He knew for a fact that you hadn’t had dinner today. Piecing all of this information together can only mean one thing and that thought frightens him.

He suddenly doesn’t feel hungry anymore so he passes the cafeteria to just get to bed. He knows he won’t be able to sleep but he makes a promise to himself to confront you tomorrow to find out the truth from your own lips.

He remembers how frail and thin you felt while he held you in the hug. He continues his walk to his room, his heart throbbing with each step.

You wake up early the next morning. Today is a special day. Not only have you finished Simon’s ship, which is ready for him to pick up, but it’s also your first day of flight training. Bodhi, a close friend of Cassian’s, agreed to teach you at the base so you could learn but still work as a mechanic.

You hurriedly get dressed and make your way down to the cafeteria. Bodhi promised to meet you at the hangar at dawn and you don’t want to be late. When you get there, you fill a small plate up with fruit and find your usual seat in the corner. To your surprise, Cassian is awake as well and sitting in the seat across from yours. It seems that he has also taken the liberty of filling a large plate of food for you, which sits steaming on the table. You can see a small stack of bread with eggs and some sort of meat. Your stomach lurches in want but you feel nothing but dread.

You attempt to make a beeline for the exit with your plate but Cassian seems to have learned your tricks.

“Y/N! Come sit. You owe me a date,” he calls out to you. There are not many people awake at this time but the few people present seem to perk up at Cassian’s words and holler at you playfully. Your cheeks heat up in embarrassment as you turn and sit across from the rebel captain.

“Good morning,” he says while he continues to eat this breakfast. He looks up at you questioningly when he notices you eating only from your plate and ignoring the one he prepared for you. “I got you some food. Eat it, please. Bodhi tells me he’s teaching you how to fly today so you’ll need a good meal to give you some energy.”

You smile softly and glance at the plate. It looks delicious but you worry about the effects it will have on your body. You tell yourself that if you eat like this everyday you’ll look like your old self. You’ll have the body that Jai was so repulsed by. You look up at Cassian and he has stopped eating and he’s just watching you. He appears to be searching your eyes for any clue as to what you’re thinking. He looks so desperate for you to eat something so you decide that you won’t disappoint him this time. Besides, you’ll still have some time to run back to your room to expel whatever you eat before you meet Bodhi.

You place a small piece of egg in your mouth and expect to be disgusted but it’s the opposite. You almost moan with the flavor of the morsel of food. It’s hot and smooth. It makes you miss home and for one second you miss your old self. The person who was carefree and not so worried about weight and food and other people’s opinions. The positive feelings you experience guide you to eat more of the food until it has almost run out. Across from you, Cassian has a grin on his face and enjoys his own food. He doesn’t interrupt you as you eat, he just watches you and you don’t know this but the throbbing in his heart disappears.

As you look at the clock you notice that it’s almost time to get to the hangar, Bodhi is most likely already there. You look down to see that the large plate is practically empty while the small plate of fruit has been untouched. Then, the guilt sets in. You just ate more in one sitting then you allowed yourself in the past week. You can feel the lump in your throat forming quickly but there’s no way you’ll let Cassian see you cry.

“I need to go,” you say shakily. Your attempt to stabilize your voice was weak and unconvincing so you don’t wait for a reply from the dark haired captain as you bolt back to your room.

Cassian watches you leave. The throbbing in his heart has seemed to come back with a vengeance. As he watched you eat, he felt a certain satisfaction with himself. As you took each bite, he felt the weight leave his shoulders. But now the weight was back as well and it was crushing him. He immediately gets up to run after you, leaving the dishes at the table. He just needs to make sure you’re okay.

You reach your room and close the door behind you. You leave it unlocked since you’re going to be heading back out in a minute or so. You walk to the bathroom and retrieve the toothbrush that you keep in a drawer for occasions such as this. You’ve done this loads of times and it shouldn’t faze you. But it does for some reason. You’re reminded of the enjoyment you had tasting and savoring the food and the enjoyment of having Cassian’s attention.

“What are you doing?” you hear a voice boom through your thoughts. Cassian is suddenly next to you and he reaches to grab the toothbrush that sits in your hand. Your instincts kick in and you try to push him away but he’s too strong. He forces the toothbrush out of your hand and eyes it. His gaze shifts from you, to the toothbrush, to the nearby toilet and the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. He walks out of the bathroom and into your room and you follow him in hopes of getting your toothbrush back.

“What are you doing to yourself?” Cassian asks again, more quietly this time. He turns towards you and there are tears in his eyes. You shrink into yourself as you realize the moment that you’ve tried to avoid since you met Cassian has arrived.

“I have to do this,” you whisper pathetically. Cassian’s face contorts in anger and you worry that he’ll explode again but he stops himself. He takes a deep breath, relaxes his features, and walks closer to you.

“This is dangerous, Y/N. You’re hurting yourself. You don’t need to be doing this…why? Why do you do this to yourself?” he asks. The tears in his eyes begin to fall and the sight makes tears come to your own eyes.

“I have to. When I was younger, I thought I had met the love of my life,” you start to say. A sob rips through you as the tears fall down your face. “He was perfect but I’m not. I wasn’t good enough. He told me that I just don’t look the part. I have to do this. I need to be enough. This makes me feel like I’m enough.” You speak quickly and feel yourself break down with each word. The sobs continue and Cassian pulls you into a tight hug.

“Shhh, please calm down. You don’t need to say anything right now. I want to be the one to talk,” he whispers into your shoulder. He pulls away to hold your face in his hands as your hiccups and sobs continue. “I adore you. From the first time I saw you I thought you were beautiful. I still think you’re beautiful. You mean the world to me and to know you’re doing this to yourself kills me. It’s kills me more than anything. That guy is not the love of your life. He’s an idiot who never deserved you. The real love of your life is standing right in front of you. I’m right here and I love you. I love you so much and you don’t need to do this to yourself. You are enough. You’re more than enough. I love you just as you are.”

Just as you are. Cassian Andor loves you just as you are.

Those are the words you thought would only bring you heartbreak but Cassian has just given them new life. Those words no longer make you want to hurt yourself. They make you feel like you’re enough.

You reach out to wipe away one of the tears that escapes Cassian’s eyes. “Cassian, I love you too. I never thought I could feel like I was enough but you help me to. You’ve always helped but I never thought you would want me so I just never stopped punishing myself for opinions that I knew didn’t matter. I want to be with you so desperately that it hurts.”

Cassian wraps you in another hug and just holds you for a small while. For once your heart has overpowered your brain and you feel at peace. Cassian nuzzles into your neck and you let yourself smile.

“I’ll always help you, mi amor. You don’t have to do these things anymore. I love you so much and I’ll never hurt you. You’ll always be enough. I’ll stand by you everyday and help you get better. I swear that I will,” he says into the room and your heartbeat gets faster. Your tears stop and your sobs quiet down and disappear and you feel renewed. You place a kiss on Cassian’s cheek and you smile widely at him. The dark haired captain smiles back at you.

“Can I kiss you?” you ask him quietly.

“Number one rule, mi amor…you never need to ask,” he replies with a small chuckle.

You grab at Cassian’s face and lead him down for a soft kiss. It’s short and sweet. You want to make it deeper but you remember that you have all the time in the world to spend loving Cassian so you pull away softly and look into the eyes of the man who loves you just as you are.

To the anon who requested this, I hope you liked it! Also, @princeofsassgard I finally learned how to tag for you! :)

P.S. Always remember that you are enough. xx

#cassian andor x reader #cassian andor imagine #cassian andor #rogue one #fic by me #reader insert

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