#and my body is never going to change

[girlscience]

there really is nothing like clothes shopping to make you have a breakdown in a store

#(okay i'm exaggerating a bit. i didn't actually have a breakdown but i got very close to tears) #i fucking hate finding clothes. nothing else makes me realize how much i will never look the way i want to #and how i will always be unhappy in my body and nothing i can do will ever change that #clothes will never fit me the way i want them to because they don't make them to fit people with my body that way #and my body is never going to change #i will never look androgynous the way i want. i will forever hate the way i look in pants #and it will never be different no matter what i do

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 2 - Psyche Skills

Part 1 - Part 3

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #disco elysium #MDZS disco elysium au #jiang cheng #jiang yanli #yu ziyuan #While it's more in vogue to draw a character's skill roster tailored to them - #One of the more subtle details I love in DE is how some of the skill portraits parallel character portraits of people hbd associates with. #Theres somethine rather poetic to be said about how other people shape out thoughts and sometimes act as a 'voice' in our head. #How we are in part a collection of impressions other people left behind on us. #I am a huge Skillhead (Those are my friends! My party members! They love me! They have their own agendas and alliances!) #so of course a healthy portion of this AU is dedicated to them <3 #the Int skills go basically unchanged from DE. Psy as well (with changes to a few quirks in voice). #Fys skills though...well...wwx is in a different body! Those voices belong to Someone Else. #Esp electrochem (MXY in this AU also partied to near death. WWX is withdrawing and craving substances he's never even heard of before) #While I personally don't fully subscribe to Volition Jean I *do* see Volition Jiang Cheng. The voice of your Not Brother keeping you afloat #All three of these parallels make me unbelievably sad. They are also both purple. Art is like that sometimes. #Empathy Jiang Yanli...oh man do I have a lot of thoughts about her. Disco fans Who Know....you can probably see what I'm cooking. #Authority is a really interesting skill in DE because *yes* its about power and intimidation - but it's also about finesse and respect #Titus Hardie and YZY both abuse *and* finesse how they establish their authority - in a way that leaves quite an impression. #2 more mdzs disco posts that I *need* to create and then I'm off to working on raffles <3

[twst-mer]

#hirasaka yuuka #mito yuuta #twst #twisted wonderland #book 2 manga #book 3 manga #i love the way yuuka is a judoka #how yuuka specializes in judo throws--and how that might even be a reference to the way simba throws scar #how part of the philosophy is about overcoming even significantly bigger opponents #how concept art literally says yuuka can lift jack with ease #speaking of jack--i love the way yuuta interacts with jack #laughs and gentle arm touches #how yuuta likely had to deal with a lot of different types in a restaurant and probably reads people like a book #tsundere expert #i wish yuuta wasnt treated so much as a gag character #if my read is right--jack & leona never criticize based on body at least #but a lot of things are gonna happen and could change in book 3 with savanaclaw so im both afraid and hyped #skipping school with jack #giving jack pointers while they work together in mostro lounge #JACK BRINGING YUUTA & GRIM TO SAVANACLAW AFTER THEY GO HOMELESS...SLEEPOVER WITH LEONa... #screaming all night with grim for leona to help them because its all or nothing on their last day in savanaclaw #leona eventually helping out and saying Sorry Azul. You're just not quite as dastardly a villain as Yuuta is. #pls #they bring out the essence of the dorms and foil the overblotters so well!! fave official yuu designs hands down

[sciderman]

I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before #and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.” #and that made sense to me i think. #but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing. #and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much. #and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed #and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology. #i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now. #and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be?? #i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe. #will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore?? #maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know. #i don't know what it'll mean for me. #but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way #i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think #i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed. #because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people. #peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing. #there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing. #it's a product of all of his things. #just like me! just like everyone. #so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways. #a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be. #i don't think it's something that can be simplified. #sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags. #i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual. #sci speaks

[xxhatchetxx]

Epic divorce man

#invader zim #space husbands au #my art #hand in unlovable hand #gives him body acne bcus he never changes his sheets #and by sheets I mean just random gross blankets #he legit just sleeps on a bad air mattress on the floor #kills him kills him kills him #okay off to go work on a commission now that this is out of system

[imthursdaysyme]

Stobin and their fall haircuts

#stranger things #drawing #steve harrington #robin buckley #stobin #robins hair got a little shorter and steves got a little longer #I think they deserve some change for fall like one does #also I'm leaning into the body type of a luchador bc I love how strong they are while still holding that softness to them #I love the co trast of them being the same height and completely different proportions #them: we literally are the same person #every one else: I quite literally have no idea what's going on in yalls minds but I refuse to find out #fall means fall outfits and fall vibes #I think I'm going to draw mr Clark next cause some of my moots in twt are talking a lot about him #or just more perfecting this Steve body tyoe #I literally did not draw men unless I was held at gunpoint before this last summer so Steve has been a journey #I can do like all female body types that ice attempted but men I could barely do one but!! I'm learning!!! #and also looking up so much about luchadors #I've never in my life stared at men's bodies as much as I have these past months #I want to overcome #I want to be able to draw the men #all the men #anyway #digital art #art

[cyberpunkboytoy]

My DID-having ass is experiencing so much world-envy for the fictional country of Vaugarde I'm going to throw up

#Didn't realize how much I needed a society built around the concepts if change and reinvention but holy shit I do. I need it so bad. #The legally normal concept of being given multiple names to transition between or change to... #the societally accepted and easy ways to craft a new body... #the traditions built around reinvention and throwing away aspects of your old life that you wish to discard #that also acknowledge that reinvention involves the destruction of something else. & the grief from yourself or others that comes with that #literally have never resonated with anything to this level and I am YEARNING #like. my life would literally be so much easier in that society #the fact Vaugarde also highly values queerness of all kinds only helps #going insane over this world-building tbh konda wanna overthrow my government & rebuild my country in its image tbh #I am Decidedly Not Normal about this fake country #no spoilers if you respond to this btw. Not done with the game #In Stars And Time #hi dev I know you have a tumblr so if you see this: I love you #thank you for creating this world and letting me have a peek into it #they say we can't build a better world if we can't imagine what that world would look like and #now i can. I know what my ideal world looks like. #textpost

[holygroundgone]

just absolutely fucking obsessed with the 0.5 evil marriage bad end deep in love deep in suffering of it all, everything that could've possibly went wrong went wrong and they're in it together

#truescholar.txt #the way that from the beginning of the book mo ran absolutely portrays it as him one sidedly tormenting chu wanning out of hate #but slowly it unfolds the realization of the sheer degree of intimacy and 'you would not be fucking doing that if you just hated his ass' #it's strongly been my conviction that once chu fei realized what was going on and 2.0 chu wanning inherited his souls and memory #thus meaningfully continuing his existence on (and i want to think it's a more complete continuation unlike soma level memory self shit) #that his perception of their years together in taxian jun's palace would completely change #and that he would almost treasure the time they had together even if during it was the most painful and agonizing time of his life #toxic trauma bond moments but they were in it together #and mo ran would've never done this to him in this way (ie the illusion of not loving him deeply in body heart and soul) #2ha is definitely not a moral tale nor an 'example of what you should or can do in a relationship' #but instead the story of how two deeply mentally ill and traumatized people fought their hardest to find their way home together #over two lifetimes #over many lives lost and regained #it truly only works because it's them and because they have the exact same kind of madness for each other

[tchaikovskaya]

🤪🫠😛😅

#I’m like mostly recovered tbh but the irreversible physical changes of weight gain are triggering the fuck out of me rn #and it’s worse bc I know they’re in large part due to [redacted] and it’s like my fault pretty much so I got no one else to blame! 🤡 #and knowing that every day I get older and every day it gets that much harder to lose the weight again bc that’s just what bodies do #I wanna d*e like. knowing I’ll never look the way I did before even if I never eat another morsel of food ever again #I know I don’t wanna go back to the way I felt and behaved when I did look ‘good’ like that but just. idk something about knowing I can’t g #*get that back no matter how hard I might theoretically try to in the future. I will always look inferior to that now #helpppppppp I’m just so [redacted lest I get the cops called on me] #ed tw

[goldkirk]

I opened Pinterest for the first time in months.

That made me realize a lot about how bad I was actually doing and how much of a Waffle House Index use of Pinterest is for adult me, apparently.

I hadn’t realized it had grown that foundational to me in a healthy-brain-exercise-and-hobby-joy way. Nice to know moving forward! It’s another sign I can keep track of and use to spot correlation/indicator patterns earlier my behavior.

I love this kind of thing, it makes me so excited!

#personal data hacking is my passion #someday I’ll tell a story about the most notable times I tracked things or hacked my own mental processes from childhood to now #including the fear of spiders and bed wetting and behavior changes and posture and heart rate and cursive and putting kitchen items and #trash away as soon as I’m finished using them instead of never ever or ages and ages later #I’m so proud of that #you have to give it time and still commit. chaining thoughts and routines and behaviors really works #we are not separate brains and bodies and external environments #anyway I’m gonna go haha I used up he last of my energy burst on Discord and here and I need to go rest and lie on the floor and probly doze #love you all be back soon bye mwah! #add to journal #trauma evolution #my Waffle House index #this is going to be a fun new tag I’m so going to have fun with this and I bet it’ll be a helpful example reference for other people too #more than just for future me! #so excited so proud of myself so happy so grateful for hope about me really trusting that my ability and my behavior and my performance #are able to and going to yes keep getting better #long many-milestone path-journeys of potential #like when I was a little 6-7 year old kid-team athlete looking ahead at a concept of a future with me over time getting #stronger and cleverer and faster and slicker and calmer and even happier and more and more capable and able to accomplish! #a gift. all this time I didn’t think I’d have and have been living anyway is such a gift. #knowing that I truly have future time to grow and explore and change and improve in even though I still can’t FEEL or IMAGINE that future #time yet. also a gift. #the time I will one day realize I can imagine a future and imagine myself alive? will be a gift. #breath is a gift. experiencing life is a gift. other life is a gift. rhythm is a gift. motion is a gift. awake is a gift. color is a gift. #such a great expanse. all of it new. all of it eternal. all of it me. all of it nothing I’ve ever known before. all of it all of it #all of it. gifts. #gonna go have floor time now. this would be such a nice time to re-re-regain my ability to cry! #mwah I love you future me. take care of your hand and thank u for writing all this down 💛 #hey little star whatcha gonna queue? #my poetry

[echo-s-land]

That moment where you remember a random place from your childhood you'll probably never go back to

#the pharmacy #the doctor office #the playground right beside my house #the horses. there were horses. we gave them bread to eat sometimes #daisies everywhere in spring. i cant recall if it was sheeps or cows in the back #the playground in my kindergarten school #the playground in my elementary school #the library from my elementary schools #my grandparents' house who got sold #my great grandmother's house that shell never go back to and us neither #the south. the fireworks. it has all changed too much since my childhood. #that awkward moment where you feel nostalgia for a time you remember longing to die #or experiencing some near death experience #love the sea but i hate not touching the bottom of bodies of water for a reason

[quietwingsinthesky]

having a society that is so hellbent on the idea that “gaining weight=bad, losing weight=good” without any nuance makes it. fucking impossible. to bring up lost weight as a sign of Something Bad Going On

#which is. not to get too personal but ive lost an abnormal amount in only a month. #nothing i’ve been doing has changed. but it just vanished. and my body doesn’t do that. #i know my body i’ve lived in it for two decades i know how to live in it. it doesn’t do this. #but bring that up to anyone in my family and they just go :) oh but you’ve lost weight. it’s so much better for you now. #GIRL SOMETHING IS WRONG. god. #😔 never be a bear at this rate lol #vent

[sunnysol]

couldnt find the og post on here but Oof yeah..

#like i always KNEW I was comfier out of super “feminine” clothing but it didn't HIT ME until puberty started. gender never bugged me till th #suddenly the body changes and I became very Hyperaware of the way I looked and was perceived and suddenly everything was Bad Bad Bad #I went through a STRONG “tomboy phase” where I wanted my hair really short and only wanted hoodies and long shorts and- #I hated dresses I hated dressing “girly” BUT I DIDNT KNOW WHY!!!! #now that I've figured out what the fuck was going on I've grown comfier with sorta dressing feminine sometimes #I think my biggest anxiety with it was not knowing Why shit felt so bad and wonky #that and I hate knowing people see me as a woman #dysphoria got slightly easier to deal with but it's still Rough #one day I'll be able to transition more to fit who I wanna be but alas #nonbinary #transmasc #transgender

[eebie]

man the way six's head WHIPS 2 glare at mono after he breaks the music box

#i forgot she did that and it caught me off guard LMAO . silly but also Fuckkkk my heart #these poor kiddos never had a chance #and her posture is noticeably changed :( she's hunched over starin at the ground #immediate sign that Something Isnt Right #thats part of what i adore sm about little nightmares It's never ever stated what's going on b/c no dialogue #you need to Pay attention to their body language and their actions and shit #it's why i side eye people who r like ... ooh six.... shes Evil omg..... ucan see from the start of the game... #or she saw mono's face n recognized him as the thin man #the first 1. u dont know what tha hell u r talking abotu Im sorry but did u even PLAY tha game. or you're like 8 years old LMAO #and the second one HOW!!! mono's baby ass face looks Nothin like the thin man #and did u forget he spent the last 10 minutes basically beating the shit out of her . like we know why he did it but six #she was in another state of mind bruh #put urself in her shoes . Or her jacket since she doesnt wear shoes heehee #my rambles #little nightmares

[themanwhowouldbefruit]

my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me

#“no need for follow up” #“yeah you did have several cysts we scrapped off your remaining ovary but. dw about it. idk why they were there. dw about it. oh also your #ovary on that side was freakishly huge but. dw about it. it might go away. dw about it #*doctor shrug emoji* “ #“go see a gyno next year maybe. but not me im too important for that. go find and onboard a gyno to your situation. next year maybe idk lol” #he barely even looked at my incision like #this fucking appointment could have been an email. or a phone call. or they just could have let me start driving again. also i forgot to ask #if i can stop drinking ensure now or after the 6 weeks? cause that shit cost $$$$. but he probably would have been super unhelpful if i had #fr fr this guy only wanted to give me the time of day when he thought i might have fun cancer inside and now he's like gtfo!!!! get your #fugly cancerless ass out of here!!!! recover from a major surgery on your own you swagless cancerless loser 🤣 we arent helping your #swagless ass!!! #anyway it seems weird and fucked up that im was never offered to see a physical therapist and i guess am going to have to blindly trust my #abs they sliced thru are healing or whatever and to rawdog my own physical recovery of my muscles? even just dumb shit like. my center of #gravity has drastically changed since the mass removal and my back hurts like shit all the time because all my posture muscles were built up #for when i had an extra 30 pounds of cyst hanging in the front and my posture and walking reflected that. and i lowkey don't know how #hard i am able to be with my healing incision because its really tight and makes me hunch forwards still. like i would really like to know #how much i can safely or maybe should be forcing my skin and incision to stretch. without damage? is that crazy #am i crazy??? #this shit is why i didnt see a doctor for 2 years until my problems had snowballed into a 30 pounds ovarian cyst that was crushing my other #organs and had one of my kidneys all backed up with piss. and even getting emergency treatment for it everyone was like. how did you like it #get this bad?? how could you not know you needed to seek medical treatment???? like. bro. seeking medical treatment isnt even a guarantee to #get medical treatment. #anyway he said my “remaining ovary seemed low key polycystic but dw about it. don't quote me on that im not dealing with it.” #bro i dont want to doctor google it i wanted an actual doctor to deal with it. fuck you. #like. maybe even a doctor who knows my situation so i dont have to struggle with getting someone to believe me and take me seriously. #but whatever. back to trying to figure out the daily protein and extra calories my body needs for recovery via doctor google i guess. #its fine 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬