#and now i'm sitting here feeling like shit about myself

[cherriesformatt]

game day || matt sturniolo

matt sturniolo x fem!reader

summary: it's a game day and matt bought matching outfits for you to wear

warnings: fluff, a little bit of a dirty talk,

word count: 1,061

a/n: hi! I'm alive. I hope you will like this one. Matt in green is just jiqwehuherfuer. REQUESTS ARE OPEN didn't proof read yet

🍒

"Literally its just me, you and Chris here, it does not need to look good baby" Matt said after I was changing placement of the strawberries on my board.

"That's why I hope Nick is going to actually join us because he is the only one who appreciate my snack boards" I looked at him while opening cupcakes.

"Hey... I love them do not listen to anything he says y/n!" Chris came from downstairs and intimately took one of the cupcakes.

I hit his hand gently and narrowed my eyes at him.

"Are you being for real now? Can I finish this at peace? Go put the tv on or do whatever or I am going to eat it alone" I looked at both of them.

'Yes, ma'am" Chris put his hands up for defense and took one last cupcake.

"I love love love you" He laughed and run to the couch before I could yelled at him.

"I feel like a mother of three in this house, I swear" I said and Matt just laughed.

"That would do it....considering how you like to call me daddy" He winked at me and I rolled my eyes but my cheeks went red.

"Go away Matthew" I said going back to working on my snacks.

"Just give me one raspberry and a kiss and I am gone" He came closer to me and wrapped his arms around me.

" I hate you" I said and picked up one of the berries and raised it to his lips.

"You love me..." He smiled, ate the berry and kissed my cheek before he went to his room.

"I am actually going to throw up because of you two" Chris said from the couch with grimace on his face.

"You should actually find a girlfriend so I can have a best friend to talk shit about you and Matt" I said finishing up.

"Thats why it is not going to happen...One of you here is enough and it’s not like you’re already talk shit about us with Nick" He joked.

I took my phone out to take pictures of the board. I tried different angles so it would look good.

"See how this is not fair because is three of you here and I need to handle that all by myself" I laughed and brought the board to the coffee table when I was done with pictures.

" Aw it looks so cute y/n! I would say I do not even care if Celtics will win anymore but that would be a lie" He said.

"Thanks Chris. Grab some drinks? I am going to change, Matt is making me wear green." I laughed and went to Matt's room.

Matt was on his bed doing something on his phone.

"Okay... I am done and I can wear whatever you said you have for me" I said closing the doors behind me.

"Yey... so I bought you shorts so you could match my jersey" He said and took out the nike shorts from the bag that was sitting on his desk. He was so exited about it that it put smile on my face.

That made me want to scream and shout. I can't believe that boy is mine. He was the cutest. He was already wearing the jersey with number 9. He looked so good in green and his hair was super fluffy today. I could eat him here and there.

"Matt you are unreal, I love you, did you know that? Thank you" I took the shorts from him.

"I love you too, sweet girl" He smiled at me.

I smiled back and took my black sweatpants and matching hoodie off. I had white top and black lacy panties on.

"I might want you to actually stay in this...." Matt said and sat back down on his bed looking at me.

"Yes... I don't know, you always rip them of me and then I am waiting for my favorite time of the year when Victoria does 10 pairs for 35 bucks" I winked at him and slid the shorts on.

They were a little too big for me but that was good. I loved the cute little clover on the front.

"I love this team only for the colors and the clover" I said and walked to my boyfriend.

"Mhm... I think I start to love them for that too" He smiled up at me and pulled me even closer between his legs.

He kissed my skin just over the waistband and I smiled how my body right away reacted with a goosebump. I ran my hand through his hair.

"Come here..." He pulled me down a little so I straddle him.

"Matt the game is starting soon and I am pretty sure that Chris already ate half of the snacks..." I started but he kissed my neck gently.

"Shh...." He said and I bite my bottom lip slightly tilting my neck.

"You just smell and look so good baby" He said and gave my neck one more kiss before connecting our lips together. I scratched back of his neck before I put one of my hands on his cheek while the other wondered up to his hair while we make out for what it seemed like forever. I was lost in his touch when Chris yelled at us that hame is about to start.

"Ugh...fine" Matt laughed and moved away a little.

"You look hotter than me in this jersey Matt..." I said fixing his hair a little.

" See we are just made for each other" He patted my bum so I stood up from him and fixed my own hair as well.

Chris yelled one more time adding that he is going to eat all of the snacks.

"Honestly I would rather eat something else right now"m…” Matt smiled at me when I opened the doors.

"Same man... but well… we promised Chris a dudes weekend" I laughed and walked out of the room.

"See thats why I hate living with them sometimes...." He said walking behind me.

We joined Chris in the living room to watch the game. I posted some phots of my board and the fit on my account as we enjoyed the winning of the team.

#chris sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo x reader #nick sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #sturniolo x reader

[idontplaytrack]

Not A Word

jealous! AJ Campos x fem reader

Warnings: fluff, angst, coarse language, jealous AJ(obvi😂), bit of a smutty ending

Requested? Yes / No

"

Me? Jealous? Jealousy is not a word I'm familiar with.

"

“AJ! You’re out. y/n’s gonna run instead.”

“What…?” AJ looked at coach Murray, in utter disbelief. “Why?”

“Her timing’s gotten better than yours and we need to place, as you know.”

“Fine, whatever. Even though we still have plenty of time for me to train.” AJ jogged away in a huff.

You watched her leave, worried. Shit.

“Okay, y/n. Go to the starting line, you’re gonna run a few.”

“A few?”

“Yeah, a few laps to practice.” He nearly scoffs, “Go, go.”

“Alright.” You shrug, heading for the starting line as he said, then started running. The whole time, you were wondering where the heck she went off to. When you stopped for a bathroom break, you saw her sitting there by a pillar, drawing in her notebook. AJ looked up, saw you, and scooched a little further away. Sighing, you decided to leave her alone for now.

She was still there when you walked out of the bathroom. Resisting the urge to talk to her, you jogged back to the track. You didn’t see her for the rest of practice, and after practice, you couldn’t find her. You tried texting, then you tried calling. She didn’t pick up, she didn’t reply. And then her phone was switched off. “y/n? What’s wrong?” Gabi walked up behind you.

“I can’t find AJ. I tried calling and texting her but then she switched off her phone.”

“I think I have an idea for where she might be. Come on, I’ll give you a ride.”

“Okay, thanks.” You followed her to her car and she drives you a park a little ways away from their house. “She’s usually by the pond sketching after a bad day. Though now, usually she goes to you, but since that isn’t the case right now, here she is.” Gabi stops to let you get off. You spot someone sitting down on the grass by the pond. “Oh, my God. Thanks, Gabs.”

“No problem. Glad I could help.”

You approached her quietly, sitting down beside her. “Hey.”

She shifts slightly, letting you know that she was aware of your presence, but she doesn’t take her earphones off. “AJ.” You repeated. “We need to talk.”

“For what?”

“About practice.” You began, lightly tugging her earphones off.

She sighs, closing her book. “AJ, Murray’s decision— I didn’t think he would pick me to go. I just ran. I- I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry about that. You improved, that’s a good thing.” AJ looks at you, then focused back on the ducks in the pond. “I just— I don’t know, I was—”

That was something she struggled with, opening up to you about her feelings. She always kept to herself. It’s always been like this and you have been trying to get her to be more open instead of trying to shoulder everything herself. Sometimes, it works, she’s okay, she talks. Other times, like right now, she just completely shuts you off and runs away. AJ doesn’t like it that you have to see her upset, you know it but you couldn’t care less if she cried in front of you. You would just hold her and let her cry it out and whatever else she needed. Did she know that? Yes she does, she just…struggles with accepting that you’re there for her.

“Jealous?”

AJ scoffs, “Me? Jealous? Jealousy is not a word I’m familiar with.”

“Babe, that’s okay, it’s a valid emotion. Okay? I will literally pull myself out of the team if it means that you get to run the race.”

“y/n, why would you do that? You’re great at it.” She answered tearfully.

“Because, it no longer makes me happy, actually. I feel more stressed than I do relaxed when I go to practice.” You admit, “I just stayed because it looks good on my record, transcript, whatever. I can see it, you love the sport. It’s what makes you feel happy, confident, recharged.”

AJ swallowed thickly, fighting the forming tears. “I’m just used to having to be the best, y/n. My Dad expects me to be the best, that if I even slip up just one time, I feel like I failed. I feel like everyone is judging me…”

————

“Baby, I- I know it’s so hard, I know your Dad’s hard on you. But it’s me…I’m here for you no matter what. For anything.” You told her, grabbing her hand, “See, look at this. This ring- it doesn’t cost much but it means the world to me because it represents the promise that we made to each other. I wear it all the time, and so do you…it’s tiny, but important. but not as important as you being there for me, me being there for you. We’ve been through some shit. But we don’t let it take us down forever. I don’t care how bad your day is, how much you need to scream or cry, run or punch someone. I will be there with you to do that with. I’m here, let me share things with you. You’re not alone— don’t just shove everything down.”

AJ chokes on a sob and then just ended up bursting into tears. You put your arms around her as she laid her head onto your chest. “It’s okay, baby. Just let it out, okay?”

“I know, you need the reassurance. You’ve told me that. So do I, sometimes. And in the event where I can’t give it to you, remember the ring. Our promise…this conversation. Please. AJ, I love you and I care about you. I want you to remember that.” By the time you finished talking, you were in tears as well. “You’re alright, honey.” You kissed the side of her head while rubbing her back. “We’re okay.”

“I’m sorry.” She sniffled, “It was wrong of me to get jealous. It wasn’t even your fault. And I just — gave you the side eye like you chose to run in the race.”

“Baby.” You chuckled, breaking away from the embrace and tilting her head by the chin, “I don’t care about that. It happened, so what? I know you, I know you didn’t mean that. I actually found that look on your face kinda funny, and very adorable actually.”

AJ laughs a little and ends up coughing, “I…I need you to know that too, I love you no matter what. No matter how shitty of a day I might have.”

“I know that, AJ. I know.” You promised, “I think I kinda know you pretty well by now.”

She blinks, licking her lips while looking at you. Something about that look in her eyes, there was like a shift in the mood almost instantaneously. AJ’s hand travels over your shoulder and down to your upper back, gently connecting your lips with her own. Somehow, you managed to push her back enough so that she’s laid on her back on the grass. AJ chuckles, “Hey. What are you doing?”

“What were you doing?” You retorted.

“Kissing you.” She answered, eyebrows raised briefly before crashing her lips onto yours again, hand roaming your back.

“AJ, do not take off my—”

She chuckles into the kiss, mumbling an ‘okay’ and the kisses don’t stop. “I love you.” She combs a hand through your hair while you now laid your head on her chest.

“I love you too, baby.” You replied, finger tracing her chest randomly.

“Maybe we should go…” She remarked, hand still massaging your scalp.

“Why?”

“It’s starting to get kinda dark, aaaand I don’t want those poor ducks to see what I’m about to do to you.”

“Oh.” You gasped, eyes looking into hers, “So we’re gonna do that now?”

“If you want to, of course.” She bit back a grin.

“Hell yeah, I want to.” You snuggled closer to her for a bit, “I also wanna just cuddle with you. This feels really nice.”

“We can do that afterwards.” AJ wiggles her brows, her fingers stopping in your hair.

“Really? Okay.” You exhaled, “Okay, let’s go.”

Once you returned with AJ to her house, she leads you up to her room, smoothly locking her door. “So, you’re sure?”

“Oh, yeah.” You confirmed, arm resting on her shoulder as you leaned in to kiss her first.

“Oh, my God.” AJ mumbles into the kiss, pulling you in by the waist.

After that, you were in the shower with her. You helped her shampoo her hair and lather the soap on her body. She does the same. You loved moments like these and she does, too. Quiet, comforting intimacy after sex. AJ randomly cups her face in her hands and presses a kiss to your cheeks then all over your face. It made you giggle, and she smiles. “You’re so cute.” AJ says while brushing the hair out of your face.

“Have you looked in the mirror, babe? You’re fucking adorable.” You held her chin, puckering up your lips and she kisses you again as expected.

“The mirror? I just did. Like, 10 minutes ago when you were trying to—”

“Let’s not.” You put a finger to her lips, “I’m too tired for another round.”

She had a tiny smirk on her face that turned into a sweet smile as she shut the water off, “Okay.”

Once you two stepped out of the shower, she quickly hands you a towel to dry yourself off with. AJ did the same then went over to her dresser to get a change of clothes- for her and for you. She got dressed in a comfy muscle tank and sport shorts, and you then put on the t-shirt and shorts she laid out for you. You climbed back into bed with her, immediately snuggling up against her with your head on her chest. “Sleepy, babe?” Her hand was on your back, the warmth comforting you,

You nodded, humming in response. “Jealousy is so hot on you, if I’m being honest.”

“Oh, is it?” She guffawed, patting your back to lull you to sleep.

“Just try not to tire me out so much all the time.” You mentioned that so casually, it made her giggle again. “Okay, beautiful.” AJ smiled to herself, “I promise. Get some rest.”

#auli’i cravalho #aj campos #crush(2022) #hulu crush #aj campos x reader #x reader #female reader #reader insert #wlw #queer #lgbtqia #wlw fanfic #wlw fluff #wlw angst #jealousy

[squerlly]

Flames of Desire chapter 12: How Unfortunate ~

Alastor x (F! bunny reader) TW! violence, use of weapons, Vox being an insecure bitch, Angst

Alastors POV:

it's been two days since y/n has gone missing, I have searched every street, every hiding spot, and killed many people for even a hint of where she is but...nothing. Charlie and the others are worried sick, it's not helping the fact I told them I had this matter under control, but the more I come back empty handed the more I'm starting to doubt myself. I can't afford to lose the one good thing I have down in this wretched place, I need to find her I must find her...

my thoughts were short lived when my door busted open, with a growl I turned "Who dares to-" "There is a package for you downstairs" "Charlie can't it wait-" "It's about y/n!". I faze through the floor in a hurry, heading straight for vaggie who is holding a box in her hand with a frown. I snatch it from her hand and with no hesitation rip it open, ripping it open I see a cloth soaked in blood that smells like y/n with brown fur and a business card from Voxtek...

everyone backs away from me as symbols of my magic surround me, static emitting from me with a stare on my face that could kill. I turn my head a crack in my neck following "Angel" he flinches and looks at me "W-what" "You work at Valentino's studio correct!?" he nods and I walk up to him "That means you know your way around Vox's headquarters!" he nods again trying put distance between us "y-your not seriously gonna go in there...right?"

Charlie stands between us "Al maybe we should go with you-" "NO, this is a personal matter!!, excuse me I have some unfinished business to take care of" If Vox wants my attention well...he's got it now. with the snap of a finger, I teleport me an Angel in front of the Vees building "Navigate me through that building, you get y/n and I'll handle the rest"

your POV:

"That's enough Val" "Aww come off Voxy, we're just getting to the fun part~" As Valentino drops me I land on the floor with a loud thud, blood running down my chest from cuts and bruises. "we sent a nice message to your little Bambi, that will surely speed up his arrival~" "fuck you, you flat faced bi-" my head shoots to the side as I feel a sting from the hard slap Vox gave me "learn your place, you should be threatening me knowing your current situation!" "Alastor is gonna get here and he's gonna kill you-" "he's not gonna do shit! not when I have his bitch on a leash~"

the conversation is cut short when Valentino's phone goes off, answering it, it sounds like one of his studio managers. Valentino ends the call "he's here" he says with a grin "Perfect". Vox leaves the room Valentino following behind him, I let out a shaky breath followed by a wince from the pain. at this rate, I might faint just from blood loss, I have to hang in just a little longer....

Alastors POV:

entering the building I make quick work of the staff working on the first floor, Angel leaving to head upstairs for y/n. I intend to wipe every demon in this building, Vox has been getting on my nerves for far too long, and it's time I bring this to an end. I walk into the elevator going up to the second floor, the elevator opens and I see Valentino standing in the middle of the room, models and porn actors fleeing the scene. he holds one gun in each hand, angelic guns... "go on, take your best shot!" he points the guns at me with that golden toothed grin "With pleasure~"

your POV:

my head feels fuzzy, the room being relatively silent before I hear the sound of screams and gunshots. I sit up seeing the door open expecting Vox but it was.. "Angel!!!! y-your here" "damn babes ya look like shit!" he runs over to me, untying my restraints "Thank fuck your here, where is Alastor!!?" "he's downstairs in that shit show" He uses his bottom arms to help me stand, rushing me out of the room. "we need to get ya outta here, smiles is gonna tear down this whole building!"

we stood in the elevator heading down to the second floor, booking it out of the elevator were met with Vox. he held a gun in his hand, using it to hit Angel in the face making him fall to the floor and drop me "you're not going anywhere!" "oh, but I think we are" Behind him stands Alastor, covered in blood with black tentacles coming out of his back. his smile strained and hair puffed out with a gunshot wound in his right shoulder.

Vox grabs me by the hair causing Alastor to lunge forward to attack, but he stops...because Vox takes the angelic gun in his hand, holding it to my head. "that's right! you're not gonna touch me, I will blow her fucking head off!" "Alastor don't-" "SHUT UP!! you have destroyed everything!! you were supposed to be dead seven years ago!!" he then points the gun at Alastor "You've made a fool out of me, you killed VAL!!!" looking behind Alastor, a pool of blood smears the floor with nothing but a pink striped gun left... "hmm how unfortunate~ he did put up a good fight"

"I have worked my ass off!!! to build my company to where it is now, and I'm not going to have an outdated PRICK destroy it, you were supposed to join us but instead, you ran off with Lucifer's dumb bitch daughter, and her HoTeL for redemption!! so now, I'm going to kill you..."

"I would have never joined you, too lost in your own pompous shit technology that it's become your greatest weakness!!, the only person that would tear your company down is you, so eager to prove that you are better but you have flaws just like every other person!!"

Vox's grip tightens on my neck "Vox... ack- y-you don't have to do this!! we can help you-" "My brand is perfection! I don't need help from you!!" he cocks back the gun aiming it straight for Alastors head, but a split second before he shoots Angel tackles him to the floor. everything felt like it was in slow motion, a ring in my ears as the shot fires, Angel on the floor pinning Vox down. and as I turned my head my vision blurred, I saw Alastor fall to his knees... with a gunshot to his chest.

I quickly crawl over to him "Alastor!!!! No... no no NO! Come on get up, please... ALASTOR!!" hot tears fall down my cheeks as I shake his body, his breathing is light and uneven as he struggles to stay awake. Vox laughs, his screen glitching in and out, Angel grabs his phone calling Charlie. I applied pressure to the wounds trying to stop the bleeding, and within a few minutes Charlie arrived with a few other people.

vaggie tries to pry me off of Alastor as I scream not wanting to let go but having no strength to fight back, as I'm pulled away all of the exhaustion and stress got to me causing everything to go dark, passing out.

We're almost finished with the series guys!!! one more chapter to go and I can start up fair exchange!!! also sorry if Velvet is kind of absent in this story, I was going to give her a place but didn't end up doing so since she mostly was on the topic of extermination until the Hazbin production gives her a more important role. thank you guys for your patience and have a wonderful day/night!

-squerlly

@pooplyface1423 @strippezzz

for more content and chapters please click this masterlist

#hazbin #alastor #alastor x reader #hazbin alastor x reader #hazbin hotel x you #alastor x reader smut #hazbin hotel smut #hazbin hotel x reader #alastor x y/n #hazbin hotel

[ohbutwheresyourheart]

.

#i'm so mad at myself #i was having a good day! #a really good day! #had a beer had some good food had the gaydio playing #and now i'm sitting here feeling like shit about myself #fuck #i hate how fragile my good moods are #very marina #my heart DID burst like a glass balloon #personal #vent #i don't know what happened or why #i used to be fine being feminine #now i put a dress on and feel like i'm wearing drag #but trying to dress masc looks ridiculous because i'm too curvy #i'm just a... fucking THING

[author-main]

There's something that makes me feel like an asshole whenever I get mad about it

#whenever someone switches the subject when I'm talking about something it makes me feel so upset and I realize that it makes me look like #an entitled asshole #and so i have to remove myself from the conversation i started because I'm five seconds from saying something #that might come off really mean and will make me look like a piece of shit #so now i'm sitting here feeling disrespected but also like an entitled freak #so i'm going to cope like i usually do and say that my feelings don't matter in the grand scheme of things #that others' thoughts and feelings are more important #that way i can fucking chill out

[stupid-dyke]

Finals week and I maybe got 2 hours of studying done all day I am SO good at completely distracting myself. I want to scream.

#yeah I was writing about fuckign d+d again. I like to say if it wasnt that it would be something else but who knows #I'm extremely deeply ashamed of myself is the thing. Like I cant stand to think about my homework and the fact that Im a student #I need to ask for extensions on writing assignments so I can study before my exams but that feels so disrespectful to those profs #so maybe instead ill sit here panicking and distracting myself so hard by reading so much about fucking. magic spells and shit. #ITS NOT EVEN FUCKING HARD I JUST NEED TO WRITE WITHOUT OPENING UP A NEW TAB AND DOING SOMETHING DUMB #I am so so so so so so so so angry at myself it's fucking disgusting. Like I'm just fucking acting like a child :) and I fucking hate it #And now I'm here on tumblr distracting myself by typing about how much I hate myself do u seee the pattern here I will do anything but fuck #ng work #this is 2021 all over again I tell ppl what's happening and they just go noooo you're just anxious it will be fine <3. No it fucking wont #they wont realize it until the grades come out that i wasn't being humble and anxious I am fucking failing. Then dad will get mad #he says he wont but that's bc he doesn't want me to be more anxious. once the grades are out he'll hate me

[halogalopaghost]

.

#I'm having anxiety for some reason which is an unfamiliar physical feeling for me #I do depression and my SISTER does anxiety we're the mental illness brothers you see #but nooo apparently she has lent me some anxiety or whatever #anyway I was feeling useless and kind of like shit about how I never do anything anymore #and never get anything done or help around the house or even clean up my own living space #so I just decided I was gonna get out of bed at three in the morning and sweep the whole house #which like. that's fine I guess #and I wouldn't sit down or take a break even when I wanted to stop because I have got to!! start fucking doing things I can't just #be a lump that complains and consumes resources all my life #but anyway that was a bad idea or whatever bc my hands and feet got real hot and red and now I feel like I'm gonna frow up #I'm laid out on the couch near the phone charger. save me phone charger. charger for my phone save me #so what do we think am I feeling unwell from the activity because I don't do the activity enough or because I am just unwell #last time I swept a large area AND mopped was less than a month ago #I. also had to lay down after that actually except I was at work #just laid across a row of seats like yeah just. gimme a fuckin second to necromancy myself here #anyway #I'm a lil anxious bc of my neurology appointment I guess?? it's either that or the Wellbutrin #OR a yet to be identified food sensitivity maybe?? #I actually have no fucking clue I just have a bunch of ideas ranked by plausibility #I'm. a little dizzy and the nausea is mcgetting me #farewell cruel world it's been nice knowing u

[transgender-catboy]

I love my friends

#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind #for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!! #secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart #i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and #allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother. #she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way #i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know? #not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her. #...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics #i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling. #like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did. #hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either #but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time #but that's the only way I can get those emotions out #I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved. #and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah. #but we dont talk about her #... i dunno. I'm just here. #guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going #I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys. #so uh. thank you. #i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you #probably dead. #💖 #vent

[muffinrag]

i hate coming out so much

#maybe i shouldn't have. #maybe i should have just left it ambiguous forever #i got excited :( #but i just... i don't like feeling like i'm Different Now #if that makes sense? #i have so little self-confidence that i work myself into a panic over how my friends perceive me. lol #like 70% of me wants to crawl back in the closet again lmfao #one of my friends is trying out he/him pronouns for me tho and tbh when he referred to me as he randomly today it felt really good #like weird. weird as fuck. but good #gender is so. fuck. #it's. i'm. like i feel like this is right. it's always been right #there's not even euphoria as much as... just... yeah. yeah that's right #relief maybe. but mostly it's unremarkable. normal. it's right #i don't want people making jokes and shit about it because i just want it to be normal #trying to figure out how i feel about this because i snapped at one of my friends earlier for trying to start Jokes #this is rambling as fuck. im just sitting here crying :) #lots of really confusing and conflicting emotions about coming out #muffinrag blabs

[slipper007]

🫠

#im sorry for how much I've been venting on here but things are shitty and hate burdening people with it #to delete #im applying for grad school now and I asked my parents very carefully if they'd be helping me with application fees or if i was on my own #and I made sure that I didn't imply that I expected it. i made sure i worded it so that it was fine if they didn't want to or couldn't. #and I made sure I brought it up when everything was calm and there were no stressors or anything. #and I just got an exasperated sigh and even before they said anything it was over. literally just say you don't want to pay. it's fine. #don't sit there and tell me my grades are great but you don't want to waste your money. that feels so much worse than just being told no. #it feels like they don't believe I'll get in and it's not worth the effort to find out. #and honestly they're probably right. I'm a wreck lately. finishing my applications feels insurmountable. #finding the money to go even if I get accepted is impossible. and that feels awful because I know so many people getting free rides already #it's just like high school all over again. everyone's practically getting paid to go to one of their top schools and then there's me. #stressed about application fees #stressed about what on earth I'll do if they say no #stressed about how I cannot afford this without loans and being in debt. #i just. i hate this. i hate myself. my applications look like shit. the recommendation I've gotten back is literally shit. #i already know I'm not gonna do well in the quote unquote adult world and honestly this is just proving it to me #i literally haven't felt like me since junior year of high school and i don't know what to do and there's just no time to rest #and no time to put my all into anything #im doing school and 10 hours of work per week with free weekends and i can't rest already #how the fuck am I going to do school and 30+ hours a week of work and make rent and commute and agh #i feel so behind and so inferior and so fucking shitty all the time and there's nothing to fucking do about it #hhhhhhh #and nobody gets it. least of all me.

[bredforloyalty]

i have to use tumblr less some of you are becoming like healthy stable fully realized people (or always have been) and i'm happy for you and cheering you on and acknowledging the pieces of advice that appear on my dash but tbh it makes me feel.. not good. due to my headspace these last few weeks or months or years

#feel shit about myself. i mean. as i often feel #like i can't be that. there are several things wrong with me on a deeper level but there are even more things wrong on the surface level #like everyday functioning and maturity you know. sometimes i get complimented on how articulate i am but if you look inside #you'll see that i am empty. a nothing person #with no real goals or aspirations or achievements. or hobbies #i have none of the qualities that someone who's ready for life has. do you know what i mean? #i'm scared all the time like i'm a coward and i don't sit with discomfort i just keep avoiding it #and it feels like every time i take a step forward it's followed by taking two steps back #and it feels like i can't talk about it with anyone because i cannot promise to become a different better person because i don't see a #precedent.. of me being able to make that happen. and i can't ask anyone to love me like this #it drives people away‚ talking about it but never fixing yourself or getting over your issues and i don't trust myself to fix it or stop #giving a shit #so what now #i'll just keep it all right here until i explode or die of old age i guess #kata.txt

[imaginedmelody]

Hey it’s not really my period anymore so why am I so fucking anxious tonight

#i had all those negative emotions and anger at myself earlier today #and now i'm sitting here feeling bad that i decided to sleep at my apartment tonight #because i'm cat-sitting for my former roommate and while sleeping here was the best choice since i have to go back to work tomorrow #it means the cat has to be alone tonight and i just keep thinking he's gonna be lonely #so i'm making myself feel like shit about it even though i'll be with him almost every night the next 2 weeks #because i don't want him to be sad????? #i am just a mess of negative thought spirals today

[somelazyassartist]

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#i know i should finish eating but honestly i think I'd rather throw the rest in the trash #i don't feel like eating #i fucking lost weight again #no matter what i fucking try i keep losing weight #i went back to just under 90 pounds #I've got a bmi of fucking 14.2 #if i drop to a bmi of 13 I'm supposed to be hospitalized #i might as well let it fucking happen I'm not getting better anyways who gives a fuck #i just want to sit here and starve and i don't give a shit anymore #i don't care about the stupid fucking vinyl or the fabric or art or school or work #i don't give a fuck about anything right now i just want to lock myself in my room and wait the few days it'll take me to starve #I'm already halfway fucking there i don't give a shit anymore #i don't give a fucking shit about anything anymore #I'm never going to get better anyways who fucking cares I'm never going to gain weight I'm never going to walk properly #I'm never going to animate or act in plays or live with my best friends #i couldn't guarantee I'd survive until then anyways that's years down the line if I'm still losing weight after trying this hard to gain it #then I'm never going to be able to gain weight I'll just be postponing the inevitable I'm just going to starve in the next year anyways no #no matter what i try to do to stop it #better to make it a quick few days than drag it out hoping to make it when i know i won't #i just want to fucking die #I'm never going to get better #what's the point in trying #vent

[neverendingford]

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#m afraid of things #surely there's no other aspects here at all at play #they always either jump on the depression or the anxiety train and they ride it into the sunset #and I“m sitting here like yeah sure explain this to me not like I've heard it before not like I”ve read fucking academic papers about it #therapists sitting at their desk typing with a single finger going “today I taught the patient that her anxiety is anxiety” #congrats I'm glad you're getting paid for this I'm not getting anything out of it though #also a half hour isn't long enough to talk about fucking alnything at all #an hour is barely enough time to explore a topic with any sort of thoroughness so a half hour? miss me with that shit #I'm over here like “hey I've never wanted to fuck someone more than twice and I move friend groups like I”m playing musical chairs #and I block five year friends with no emotional hesitation at all. maybe there's something wrong? #and the therapist perks up like “oooo maybe it's anxiety? or it might be your depression but it's anxiety I think” #if I had an autism diagnosis they would be just substituting the word anxiety for the word autism #useless useless useless #I know how to fix most of my problems I #m here to learn calculus cause I've already learned algebra don't fucking try and teach me arithmetic #ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm so annoyed #“wow you type so fast” yeah yeah can we get back to talking about things? #was gonna talk about the year it's been since I tried to kill myself and she's like “now I know talking about your feelings can be scary” #I'm not fuc king scared of being open I'm usedto being open and easily read stop projecting and assuming ughhh hh foaming at the mouth rn #if anything it's a problem that talking about emotions isn't scary cause I'm so fucking detached from them they're happening to someone els #someone else not me it's not me who feels emotions its whoever else is in here I'm at the keyboard but I can't see the screen #life is just co-op gaming with myself and we share functions and we're so in sync we don't recognize the other as separate usually #but he's got the emotions today actually that's not true I've got the rage I've got the anger I'm going into self defense mode I can feel i #I #tag talk #vent #iteration- *checks notes* 5 of feeling smarter than the therapist I got assigned #today we spend thirty minutes going over how anxiety is actually a kind of fear. wow so amazing and cool #I'm really learning so much here about how Im here because I recognize I have patterns of behavior that I can't find the root cause of #Im going to leave before I just start ranting. anyway. I'm annoyed nobody fucking understands us when we're talking

[aestatismors]

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#I have such an issue with feeling like I'm supposed to be a certain way #Even dumb shit like how much I need to sleep #or the way I have to do things so I'm not in pain #because I will look at other people and go why the fuck can't I do that anymore #And then I just sit here and go well something must be wrong with me #(I also understand that makes it sound like I'm disabled I'm not I work a physical job and lifted shit that I physically was not capable of) #And I know some of it is just the internet #But everything is always a constant things are supposed to be this way and no other way #And I am never in the category of what people think anyone is supposed to be like #And then I look at my life and I see everything that is promised #And I don't fit in that #And I hate myself for it instead of trying to find a version of things that work #like I lack connection but I never connect with people the way that I was told I was supposed to #so then it's what's the point #if it's not the connection that I have been dreaming about what's the fucking point #but does that even exist to begin with #I spent years reaching out and got barely anything back #And I know I'm older now and I know that things are different #But a part of me doesn't even want to try because I don't want to put all the fucking effort into that for nothing again

[prettycottagequeer]

ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)

SO these I should start on asap:

50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make

100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week

150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)

200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)

these can wait longer:

300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect

500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)

1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks

2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.

Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese

here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)

How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks

I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.

that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.

the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.

On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started