#and she didn't wanna hear

[cigarette-room]

(pretty long thread rip)

I should be studying for tomorrow but instead I am restless and overthinking and thinking to myself about how there is so much wrong in approaching love from the perspective of trying to be liked and trying to be loved and trying to be good and trying to stick people to yourself with duct tape made of gifts and nice jokes and sweet words because well, it's not only tiring but they will leave in the end anyway, and loving and being loved is supposed to be rest and peace and a sound mind and the more you try the less you achieve any of that! Except I'm my mother's and father's child so I still do it anyway and hang around and try again and cling until it's dead because otherwise it all really hurts but it hurts anyway so

Just dgaf. And if you do then pretend you don't until you convince yourself and restrain your hands so they can't reach out to anyone once they turn their back on you and just. Let people live with their own decisions. I want so hard to be loved that I am making myself disposable like a used rag and for what? It's all gonna be good one day with or without anyone else

#i am perhaps just rambling to myself here #but i am tired of that tendency that was baked into me to try to get anyone to stick around #i remember when my first ex broke up with me i spent literal months clinging to her and trying to negotiate some kind of universe #where we would still talk and be as close as we were before #and she didn't wanna hear #until she did but we eventually distanced and when i moved on she was so upset and i wondered why because? you left me? #and i fought so hard to keep you there but you made your decision and now you're upset at me for moving on? #and the second time around i wasn't any better at it either #and only recently am i realizing that the reason she was so upset at me moving on was because i made myself so reliable #with those stupid promises that I'd be in her life always no matter what happened #and why would I do that? i always cling to people because they matter to me #and they always realize i matter to them once i move on already and am not willingly a part of their life anymore #and like sure i do attract people who tend to be assholes to me but it's on me as well #i am disproportionate in showing my care to people who don't return even 1/5 of it back #and when they get bored i am the one they call weird for that #so i really decided not even to listen to what I need anymore but only to what needs to be done and it's #just letting things go with the flow. i don't have to drag the dead weight of anything i try to keep on my shoulders #do i want to? sure. do i want to be as loved as i never am? i do of course i do #but i am trying too hard. and it's never gonna get me anywhere. because people only ever want me back in their life when i have moved on and #others value themselves more. others don't love anyone blindly so #i don't have to. even though i want. i don't have to #if you gift me a paper I'll gift you a paper. if you want to kiss me I'd want to kiss you too #and if you say you love me I'd love you back and if you forget my birthday I'll forget yours too and #if i hug you but am not hugged back i won't hug you again #i think that's the best way things can go when people are concerned #maybe this is a bit too transactional in a sense but i mean #it wouldnt be fair if it was unequal #if someone does everything for you and you don't return it then you are an asshole to them but #if you give and you aren't given you are a weirdo simply put #it's best if it's equal

[deer-with-a-stick]

The more time I spend explaining Tolkien lore to my brother the more I realize that Tolkien was just batshit insane

#yes the world is flat and a globe at the same time #and yes if you go off the edge you fall into the void with Satan 1.0 (assuming the Straight Road doesn't just railroad you) #he calls Valinor “The place under some trees where everyone smokes weed” and honestly I wish they would do that instead #bilbo and frodo bring weed to valinor quick #i tried to explain the miriel-finwe situation and he's so confused #“so they died and they were all sad even though they didn't have to stay dead?? but she couldn't come back because he remarried??” #“but then he dies and says 'yo ill stay dead instead' and she's find now??” #does the big God just keep making elf and human souls or do they just. appear #i told him about Gil-Galad Son of Plothole #he is quickly realizing that yes #the valar are a bit incompetent #its fine #elrond's dad is a star his mom is a bird and his great great grandma is an angel #my sister gave up two seconds in despite sparking this by asking me about elf lore #apparently she actually just wants to know about legolas but not legolas' father because of the hobbit movies #let me rant about feanorian politics it'll be interesting i promise #shut up about your elf backflips you wanna hear about nirnaeth arnoediad and the kinslayings #tolkien #lotr #lord of the rings #silmarillion #the silm #is this a shitpost? idk #he's batshit insane but the world is great i love it #we still don't know where hobbits come from #they appeared one day #like potatoes #i had one tidbit of legolas lore and that was #the guy showed up several years late in a homemade boat with a dwarf #incomprehensible screaming

[lineffability]

huarghhh The Nanny AU.......rich guy Aziraphale Edenson who's not good with children but has taken in his neighbour's kid Warlock after his parents disappeared under mysterious circumstances hires Crowley Fell as nanny for reasons as of yet comprehended by the neighbors

#story seeds #good omens #ohno...... #i wanna write it #a little oneshot...? #the reason he hired crowley is bc his brain melted at her hotness #i jest i jest #other ppl applied among them an actual mary poppins type #but then SHE knocked looking like a soaked puppy out in the rain without an umbrella #and instead of apologizing for being late or saying sth funny about forgetting an umbrella she just looks PISSED #but az invites her in and offers her a towel and makes her tea #hjmmhmmhmhmhm #and gifts her his umbrella when she leaves #amd she expects to never hear from him again bc well THAT went down like a lead balloon didn't it #but the next day he calls her like so when can u start?

[mr-payjay]

my thoughts on silver spoon & candle in iii18

#juice.txt #osc #silvercandle neg #ii neg #literally the most classic misogyny ever #motherly perfect wifey woman gets punished the moment she isn't kind and loving and sweet to a man #and i don't wanna hear “she isn't being PUNISHED! it's just the plot; silver didn't mean to hurt her!” #cause he still did #and im well aware that they did not write this with the intention of “mwahaha we're so evil we are going to punish this woman” #they were ignorant to the implications of letting a man hurt a woman to possibly the point of DEATH the moment she stopped coddling him #and those implications are important to observe and address #anyway i fucking hate silvercandle with all of my heart #absolute garbage ship and i will never change my mind on that

[kyouka-supremacy]

Hot take but Higuchi is the new pm boss in Beast

#I just had a quick run through the entirety of the Beast manga because I was looking for a specific panel and man... #I honestly didn't remember it being so mentally draining #and I wasn't even reading the words except for a speech bubble here and there like wtf #That being said. Hear me out. #Dazai the pm boss is dead. Chuuya is out of the game. Mori is out of the game. #Kyouka and Gin's whereabouts are unknown. We have no idea what Kouyou was ever up to or if she even exists in that universe. #Wanna know who's left? #Wanna know what character stepped into the armed detective agency and asked them to investigate behind her agency's building– #which last time I checked was an ambush technique? Wanna know who also revealed themselves to be the pm boss in a hidden hallway? #ichiyō higuchi #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd beast #mine #q. #17/10/22

[conchfritters]

i need to get less ashamed of talking about my interests on my 0 follower tumblr blog because if i don't point out that despite having one of the most interesting concepts ever presented in a genshin event, shadows amidst snowstorms was not actually well written, and was in fact pretty Poorly written, then who else will. Who else will.

#seashell resonance #Anyway amber hasn't shown up in any content since 1.0 where she wasn't optional or thrown out entirely in favor of standing as an #advertisement for euIa. case in point in the scene in shadows amidst snowstorms where you're waiting outside the cave for albedo the last #person joel was left with was amber. when euIa confronts albedo about the fake trying to lead joel away...there's no mention ever of the #fact that amber...was With Joel. Amber who is an Outrider trained to Notice Danger. Either left joel with fakebedo without noticing anythin #or the actual explanation: hoyo didn't care enough to write her because. well. Amber Bad #the next time we see her is when she shows up with bennett #amber used to have a lot of fire to her and this sort of unique not quite cockiness but like. easy way to tell she used to be the difficult #kid we hear about in her character stories and teapot dialogue #she serves no purpose in shadows amidst snowstorms #an event that easily could've capitalized on the Horror aspect of being trapped with a doppelganger of one of your coworkers and shown off #ALL the characters (because get this. You can make people wanna spend on characters who aren't meta by making them Like Them.) #but amber? no value in any event she's ever been in. she talks about good hunter and sticky honey roast. she gets flustered. euIa pays for #her meal. Remember how she was in Almost All of razor's story quest and then when they needed a knight to give him a gift in weinlessefest #they chose...SUCROSE AND NOELLE? #remember how collei has had more on screen interactions with fucking euIa and sucrose than AMBER #how amber and collei's reunion was what people wanted to see and instead it happens off screen and amber simply isn't relevant during #windblume? how amber didn't get a skin with lisa and kaeya? how amber has no appearance in kaeya's hangout event despite their dynamic in #the webtoon and her being suspicious of him presenting so much room to work with? #her tcg dialogue has a meta joke in it. Because amber bad and amber doesn't exist outside of euIa and connecting collei to euIa #and i could go on. about the writing for cyno. about collei. about the way they write kokomi or any genius character. about albedo even. #about all my Other gripes with euIa because they go to about every single aspect of her character except her Basic personality #which is to say the personality we see in most of her voicelines. she could've literally been a saving grace for the cast if she weren't on #of the like top 3 worst written characters #i could talk about like almost any character's decay but that's not the point. Not the point. Nobody look atme. #i tried to replace the L in euIa's name with a capital i to make this post not show up in front of her enjoyers somehow but if it does #sorry about that! no problems with you it's hoyoverse who has my ire #i have so much more to say even just about amber specifically since she is. Unfortunately my fav and unfortunately almost the only characte #i care about whenever my enjoyment of genshin even Slightly wanes #but nobody will ever see it because that essay i write in my head seven times a day is for Me. I'll die before i crack open google docs

[lovevalley45]

coming home to one of my roommates talking loudly on speakerphone with her door open is in fact my villain origin story

#alli says shit #LIKE THERE'S NO NEED #she wasn't even home alone there's someone else home #the way i wanna slam her door closed like shut up girl #we didn't ask to hear all that

[saebaragi]

the psychologist yesterday: what about your love life?

me: i'm actually not interested in any of that

psychologist: okay, that's good too, you're focused on your studies

me, who is definitely not focused on my studies: sure

#random stuff on my account like usual #i went for a psychology avaliation yesterday and i talked a bit about my sister's love lives and she asked me of i had a boyfriend #so i told her that no i don't have a boyfriend never had and never even kissed or whatever #so when she said 'yet' i told her i didn't wanna nothing to do with that and she was like 'right silly me you're too busy studying' #which i'm like...not #but i get why she would think taht cuz i mentioned i wanted to try entering college and all #but like #I'm not studying #i didn't had the heart to correct her because i was afraid yk is free therapy you don't always get someone to like actually hear everything #anyways if this goes well maybs i'll come out maybe i won't #(i probably won't) #aromantic #aro #aromantism #hesitation in coming out as aromantic

[httpiastri]

how about if... i just... don't do my work.....

#ohhh right i was supposed to connect my phone! i totally forgot about that!! and i didn't read that par #of the email you sent me... just all other parts... and even though you told me to do it this tuesday and also last week i just forgot... #pls i'm so unmotivated #i speedran a lot of my work stuff but now it's like #my job computer has freaked out and i should go to the like it services help but i just can't be bothered #idk the guys working there are kinda sketchy (and they're probs on lunch break rn) plusssss i don't have a like access card (????) so like #if i leave the office i cant really get back in so i'll have to knock on the door and hope someone lets me in lol i just don't wanna #the only assignment i have left for the day is something i need the work computer to do but i just don't wanna talk to people to get help.. #also none of my bosses or coworkers in my department are here... its just me and this one lady from the economy department so no one knows #she either listening to really loud music in her headphones or she doesn't even have headphones?? either way i can hear her music clearly 😶 #also!! the n1 thing i should do but just cant is #im supposed to go to the front desk and like connect my phone to my boss's number so i get her calls because shes on holiday or whatever #but like... i still really really *really* can't talk on the phone #there's just no way im doing that #i just don't know how to fake like #sounds believable? #much more fun to rant in tags than to work 👍 #and to think of how obsessed i am with lando norris #OMG PAUL F2 ANNOUNCEMENT RN AS IM TYPING AAAAAA #HELP

[magentagalaxies]

fucking love it when one of my professors brings up kids in the hall in giving me feedback, not in a pandering way but in a "this is an observation i've made about their work and how you could channel this aspect in your own comedy to get yourself out of your comfort zone and play with new things"

#shoutout to my improv teacher fr #we were talking about how i don't use dynamic physicality and movement as much in my characters #and she brought up how so much of their characters are very physical and encouraged me to play with that #and also specifically character temperament and emotions and stuff bc i have a specific range i play in #and it's funny even tho i personally think my comedy style is most like bruce #and scott in a lot of ways has these uninhibited moments i wish i could throw myself into #in terms of character range/voice/temperament/emotion? i'm playing heavily in the scott zone rn #and my professor was like ''that's great but also i wanna see you play a bruce girl'' #we also had a whole conversation about gender and kith and how gender plays into my improv or is absent from it a lot of the time #and holy shit erin my improv teacher wins cis ally of the day award she was so respectful while also having good feedback #(her feedback was low key ''be more overtly trans even if it makes cis people uncomfortable'') #bc like. i'm very overtly trans in my standup rn like you know how aubrey is #but in improv? sure i play many characters regardless of gender but that's the thing. it's ''regardless'' of gender #so i sort of default to being neutral so that others can project onto me. it's sort of ''idgaf i'm chill'' which in itself still is radical #but it gives ''cis allys'' who don't want to deal with gender an outlet to just project onto me in a way that i could own much more #anyway the way i process feedback is often by repeating it to someone else so like. this didn't need to be a post this is for me #but idk if you're following along with my comedy journey (or even if you just want to hear my professor reference kids in the hall!) #maybe this is of interest to you. in any case i'm very excited to play with all this stuff much more #and i definitely feel confident in my comedic identity and trans identity and most of all my trans-comedian identity #and i'm excited to see how i grow from here

[bumblingbabooshka]

Tuvok’s Children

#[REDACTED] family shenanigans #yeah I switched the birth order around so Asil's the third born instead of the last #Also her marriage status is 'complicated' because she's currently contractually married to a ferengi woman and there's drama as to whether #it's real or not (she got contract-married to her over the course of a case) #All of Tuvok's children care deeply about each other and get along well for the most part v_v #they have a bunch of different idealogies and opinions etc but they all respect each other a great deal #Sek #Elieth #Asil #Varith #an inside joke between them is how humans typically only pronounce Sek's name right on the first try 'If their tongue doesn't slip' #Sek is really making up for all his siblings in the 'give me grandchildren' arena #Elieth met Ione Kitain while working and the two of them hit it off right away but they were both engaged #One day he caught word that she was going to get married and he immediately flew to Betazed and went to see her. One conversation later and #they were engaged instead v_v (his family found it DEEPLY embarrassing - everyone else who hears it finds it terribly romantic. #Except the spurned groom of course~) Elieth's betrothed dissolved their bond without fanfare since she kind of didn't want to marry him #uhh Varith has one of Mollie's puppies (grown now) which Mark gave him and she acts as sort of a service dog ! #And Sek took care of their mother when she fell into a depression for a period of time after Voyager was lost #Also - I personally wanna know how they all reacted to that holonovel the doctor wrote about Voyager #hhehee like they meet him in person and Sek's like 'Ah. The Hologram who slandered our father.' #bea art tag #st voyager #st voyager art #star trek #Everyone should have their own little Tuvok family in their minds...!! Each one is precious and good~!! #OH ALSO #Sek is the oldest but shorter than all everyone but Varith (and T'Pel)

[new-lorien-artist]

Drawing Five according to his canonical UaO epilogue description is so messy and saddening because there's so much to account for that got him physically fucked up and you know the writers were hammering in this whole disfigurement as punishment thing with him

Because first you have the eye hole where Marina pierced him, and I'm not sure if he's still wearing that gauze eye patch on the island because eventually it'll get dirty and he'll have to toss it

Then you have the scar marks from when Setrákus Ra clawed right through his metal skin "like butter" and it's not mentioned whether those marks are still there or they disappeared when he returned to his flesh skin (and it's doubtful those were healed at all, we don't even know if Marina had a proper visit and talked to him and possibly healed those away)

Then you have the goop that created some patchy spots all over his skin and show up all web-like on him

And then how it's implied he starved on the island because he lost weight so fast and is described to have flaps of skin on his arms and torso and a body so skinny you could see an outline of his ribs and spine

Bro he has so much physical trauma on him, like they did the most on him and left it like that till the very end

#number five #not sure whether to put the main ll tag on this #don't wanna put it out there to see but a friend hasn't read ll yet and blocked the main tag for now #well i already told em about five so i think this is fine #hmmm rereading the epilogue and i wanna write an analysis on the justifications of harm without closure #on everyone toward five but especially marina #because she had the most personal reason to hate five but she never got any closure or chose to move on #and it left her character arc hanging because she never found a conclusion to her moral dilemma #how to handle five and what do with her grief if it's painful and no one can relate to her on an empathetic level #because she was the 'moral compass' yet flet that title fleeting her sometimes and didn't know how to process these changes #and then john literally whisked her away from that instead of helping or letting her find a conclusion #and we never hear from her again until the very end of the series without any answers #she was literally the only other person to question these moral changes and aspects and the writers took that from us #similarly to five and his questioning of lorien treating the garde and their lack of will or identity beyond child soldiers #both had the questions but no one heard an answer #if that's intended by the writers I don't buy it because those are really cruicial to the themes of the series and it sucks to leave it out #they just punished and humiliated and disfigured five again and again and again to an excessive degree #dude what that's a lot to throw on him

[thegetdownrebooter]

t*yl*r sw*ft getting dragged every 5 business days... i used to pray for times like these.

#i'm sorry but i hate her so fucking bad #i must speak my truth #god her music is so mediocre and her performative activism actually fooling a generation of young girls is so pitiful #like... you have a bunch of sw*ft*es actually thinking she is some closeted lesbian... bffr #mind you she only started spewing her fake woke “gay rights” shit after she got cancelled in 2016 #like why are you shocked by her dating that awful man? surely her lame rebranding after reputation didn't fool you fr? #god... i miss 2016 #back when people realized she was a performative white feminist that only used feminism for her benefit #lmfaoo i remeber swifties trying to defend her about the private jet shit #i wonder if they will claim “misogyny” in response to her dating an edgelord neo nazi #at the end of the day she doesn't actually practice what she preaches like it's all part of her brand #and also she isn't secretaly dating karlie kloss or whatever #in fact karlie is married to a trump in-law like... the jokes write themselves #anyways if you wanna stand a white pop girl so bad ariana is right there #sabrina is also right there #britney is still standing #in fact britney's blackout album is better than anything she has ever released i can tell you that much #i know i will most likely get jumped by her racist cult fanbase but i must speak my truth #maybe i won't have to hear that stupid anti-hero song at the grocery store anymore

[foxgirlmoth]

I don't talk about this stuff on here pretty much at all, but a past relationship really broke a ton of bits and pieces of my brain and heart in weird ways (I'm finally thinking about him almost never but the shit he pulled was abusive as hell and still affects me sometimes). Being in love with my current girlfriends for a while felt almost. Painful? Almost like I should be ashamed I can fall so deeply in love with people, and especially how quickly that can happen sometimes too. Thats how it kind of felt. I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions if I'm feeling them very strongly, and that has been extremely embarrassing and also felt almost like I was being a burden to those I love (which love is the main emotion that can 'get dialed up to 11' for me). It IS debilitating in some ways!!! It hasn't gotten bad enough I've been nonverbal in a really really long time but that happened this past week and it was wild to me.

Things are getting better now though! Therapy in the past has helped, and honestly having such patient and understanding partners has made a world of difference ;w;. my wife is someone who was one of my best friends and I had a huge crush on and now I can ask for cuddles and we can nap together and I've fallen so much in love. Her and her presence are literally heaven for me, I don't know if anything has ever made me happier than just laying next to her and feeling her warmth.

Worries of course flare up and I feel like I need to lean on her a lot during those moments, but I don't feel like too much of a burden to her. I love seeing the posts that say stuff like 'Its okay to be a burden' or 'its okay to be annoying' because really truly I think I need to be those things to survive sometimes. I can be 'a lot' and I can be a little bit obsessive and those things aren't inherently bad or evil of me. I just make sure I'm feeling okay during and after and make sure I'm checking in on myself often. I'm a bit of a broken girl, but that doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy and living a life I love. I've written poems and everything about how it feels like it must hurt to love me and my broken jagged edges, but hey, even if it does a little bit, it doesn't mean someone like my girlfriend/wife won't go through a little bit of burden to love me, and I'm more than happy to return all of this and more for her as well if she's ever in need or feels broken ;^;

#Not to be too gay but I wanna build my life with my princess more and more #She's. So good to me and she's so pretty and she's so beautiful and attentive and she listens to me in ways I feel no one else has #She understands me so well!! And I hopefully make her feel the same #But yeah I've been a burden a lot to people due to autism (which I didn't know I had for fucking ages) adhd and physical disabilites #And she feels like she isn't taking care of me which is good because I'd honestly hate that #But she understands me and makes me a better person and that's exactly what I've wanted for forever. #And being demi/aspec is awesome with her since she's aspec too and there's no pressure for sex or sexy times but if we both want it #It can still be super fun!! We gotta figure more of that stuff out if we want but knowing each others kinks (and sharing a good bit) rocks #Idk its so so so so easy to love my wife Maxie #She's so dear to me and we've only been dating for 4 months but they've been 4 months I've felt the most alive and seen #Its so easy to be cringe but free with her too idk #She makes me better and I hope I do the same for her. I don't want either of us to stagnate yknow? #But anyways yeah this is just a big journal entry of some kind I might do these every once and a while #Not to like. Brag??? I guess. Or show my mental illness so much. Its just kind of nice if friends know where I'm at in my life I guess #And idk having outside input on thoughts can be good. If any friends see this and go 'Hey Runa this is real weird maybe tone it down' #I can look at that stuff a bit more #Gonna tag this in a way I can find it and others in the future too #Runa diary logs #But yeah you're not hearing this from me but I wanna be with Maxine for the foreseeable future more than anything. #Gotta get my degree and a good job too and she's ofc not the only person in my life (I have Sara who is so very dear to me too ;w;) #Nor is she the only 'goal' I have either. I wanna make games I wanna make art. I wanna make something that other trans people #And queer people and just minorities in general can look at or play or experience and just go. Life is worth living #I love my life right now and I'm so glad I've made it to my late 20's. #Its only uphill from here :3 #Wanna add on when I say she's not the only person in my life I mean that I have so many friends and people I love who love me too :3 #♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[summerfrwrks]

istg i don’t cry when couples finally have their first kiss/gets together in a series but by GOD did they change the chemistry in my brain this was insANE-

(more thoughts on reblog)

#shipping things #hacy #macy vaughn #harry greenwood #charmed 2018 #charmed reboot #madeleine mantock #rupert evans #maybe cause it's 12:20 am and i spoiled myself about them so i'm in my feels about them cause ik what'll go down BUT #mads and rupert were AMAZING #i felt it through the screen of my laptop in the dark of my room on a midnight mood of a thursday #i need you guys to know that i only have two main reasons why i watched this series (1) to hear out my friend cause she made a #hunter x maggie fic and (2) madeleine mantock played my fav character in the tomorrow people - astrid - so i got a major hit of nostalgia #i was gonna watch the tomorrow people instead but ik what's gonna happen and watched it so #i thought to myself: why not? it's new and my friend has a rarepair i wanna support her #i was almost finished with s1 and decided to let my friend know i'm watching it and guess fucking WHAT?? SHE NEVER WATCHED A SINGLE EPISODE #AND NOW I'M ATTACHED BUT I CAN'T TALK TO HER ABOUT MACY AND HARRY TO A FULL EXTENT CAUSE SHE ONLY CHECKED THE WIKI AND WAS BORED AND #WAS THERE FOR MAGGIE'S CHARACTER BECAUSE OF DESCENDANTS #this is worse than when i introduced VLD to my other friend and we both shipped klance but i didn't finish the show but SHE DID #this is my karma #after like 3 years this is my karma ahjdfhadfa #oh god it hurts #summer.txt

[knights-unwelcommentary]

Jane's preference for old media (noir, detectives, etc), Betty Crocker subliminal messaging and her skepticism about things her friends tell her about their life causing them not to tell her much about it at all might have played a big part on Jane being taken by surprise by Dirk liking boys, Dirk liking Jake in particular and Jake considering a relationship with Dirk

#like I'm pretty sure she didn't even know that bisexuality was a thing before Roxy put it on the table? #let me know if I got it wrong I wanna hear some theories