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nebris · 2 years

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The clitoris has 10,000 nerve endings. Here's why experts say the discovery is 'just the beginning' for sexual health

When it comes to sexual pleasure, there’s one spot on the female anatomy that tends to get the most attention: the clitoris. Yet despite the clitoris's association with orgasms and female pleasure, not much is known about the organ. For years, the clitoris was said to have 8,000 nerve endings — stated as fact in the 1976 book The Clitoris by Thomas Lowry and Thea Lowry, who cited a study on bovines. Now, thanks to a new study led by the Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU), which was presented at an Oct. 27 conference hosted by the Sexual Medicine Society of North America and the International Society for Sexual Medicine, we know that there are actually a lot more nerve fibers packed into the tiny sexual organ.

According to the new research, that number is a whopping 10,281. By comparison, the palm of one’s hand has 17,000 nerve endings — in a much, much larger area. Yet this study on the clitoris provides more than just a fun fact — it also can have major implications for sexual health.

Why look for nerve endings in the clitoris?

There have long been questions on the validity of the claim of 8,000 nerve endings in the clitoris. Activist Jessica Pin, who lost sensation in her clitoris after a labiaplasty and has been outspoken since about the lack of knowledge of female genitalia in medicine, penned a Medium article in 2018 suggesting that the bovine study should not be used as a source for human beings. Yet in order to really analyze just how many nerve endings there are in a human clitoris, one had to, well, actually count them.

Dr. Maria Uloko, one of the study’s authors and an assistant professor of urology at UC San Diego and a urologist who specializes in the treatment of female sexual dysfunction, says that the inspiration for the study came from frustrations she was feeling with the lack of knowledge about the clitoris.

“If we look at the difference between what we know about the penis and what we know about the vulva, it is a stark, very concerning difference,” she shares. “I treat a lot of vulvar pain, and if you look at that demographic of patients, it usually takes four to five providers before they even get a diagnosis. When you look at the healthcare cost to those patients, it’s in the billions of dollars. For very common, treatable conditions, why is there such a barrier to care? So that was the question. I’m a researcher, and I’m an advocate and I’m just also pissed because I keep seeing the same thing.”

She brought her frustrations to her friend Dr. Blair Peters, an assistant professor at OHSU and a board-certified plastic and reconstructive surgeon who specializes in gender-affirming surgery. Uloko pointed out the “knowledge gaps” in what we know about female anatomy.

“I was like, ‘And they don’t even know how many nerves are in the clitoris! It’s from a cow!’ And Peters said, ‘I can get you those nerves ... let’s quantify it,’” recalls Uloko. “That’s how this project came to be: It was me ranting at the right person, and having someone as skilled as Dr. Peters, who was willing to do this work with us. Our goal is to establish, and reestablish, the knowledge gaps in our anatomy and physiology, and bring attention to the fact that there is this disparity.”

How were the nerve endings identified?

Peters, one of the study’s authors, says they were in a unique position to study the nerves in the clitoris. Phalloplasty, which is the creation of a penis as part of gender-affirming care, is the only surgical procedure that requires cutting into the nerves of the clitoris.

“In that procedure, it’s routine to connect nerves in the penis centers in the groin, so people that have that surgery will have sensation and erogenous sensation recovering the penis,” Peters shares. “And — at least to the best of our knowledge prior to this work — the most powerful donor for that surgery was assumed to be the nerves of the clitoris, given its well-documented erogenous function. I initially started out doing some work to kind of quantify all of the nerves that I use in that surgery to determine if there were nerves that were better used in different combinations because we didn’t have that information before and there hadn’t been any standardized way to connect to those nerves.”

Following the conversation with Uloko, Peters designed the study and collected samples, and then collaborated with scientists at Washington University in St. Louis to count the nerve endings.

“A lot of different staining techniques are used,” Peters shares of how the nerves were counted. “The nerve samples are sliced by what’s called an ultra microtome to these very, very minuscule sections, that are then magnified over 1,000 times and counted basically with an automated software system.”

What are the implications of this study?

Trans healthcare, Peters stresses, is an integral part of how this study was able to be conducted. Calling their work on gender-affirming surgeries “helping someone physically actualize their internal sense of self,” Peters notes that trans healthcare is a vital part of this study’s findings and is critical to talk about, as so much anti-trans legislation is brought forward.

“If we start limiting care for one group, everyone else indirectly suffers too,” Peters notes.

Gynecologist and obstetrician Dr. Jennifer Conti, who is an assistant professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, says there is a huge disparity between what we know about the male and female sex organs. Studies like this one are a way to close that gap.

“Until only recently, everything we knew about sexual desire and function was based on historical works like that of Masters and Johnson, which largely centered on the cis-gendered heterosexual male perspective. Only recently have researchers begun to unpack how this is hugely different for different people,” she explains. “We are truly just beginning to understand the comprehensive picture that is female sexuality, and that includes our understanding of the clitoris. We didn’t even realize the full anatomy of the organ until 2005, which is embarrassing as a medical community.”

Dr. Rachel Rubin, a board-certified urologist and sexual medicine specialist, says historically, medical textbooks focused on male genitalia, while female genitalia was more of a “sidebar.” Female sexual health was almost always focused on the reproductive nature — not on sexual function. This study, she notes, could help change that. It also means people like Pin, who has not regained feeling following her labiaplasty, may be able to find proper healthcare, thanks to more knowledgable medical professionals.

“What this study does is that it shows that this work is possible,” she says. “When you understand something, and it’s exposed and people are aware of it, it will stimulate more research. This is just the beginning of the many questions we have to answer. How can we learn more about female sexual medicine and treatment options for arousal and orgasm disorders, anorgasmia, people who have been harmed by different surgical procedures and lost function — there’s a lot of work to be done. What this study shows is how incredibly dense the nerves are in the clitoris, similar to the nerves in the hand, even — this shouldn’t be ignored and forgotten.”

https://news.yahoo.com/clitoris-nerve-endings-sexual-medicine-discovery-174720598.html

#The Sisterhood

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cudan2 · 4 years

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Starbucks and Skin Grafts

Spring Break Shadowing Part 2

Carlisle Cullen x Reader

Word Count: 2,206

Summary: You’re starting your second day of shadowing with Dr. Cullen and get to learn more about him.

A/N: I underestimated the amount of research I’d have to do for this series woops. I’m pre-dent and not pre-med, so if anyone here is actually a doctor or a med student or even knows more about medicine than I do, feel free to tell me what details I should change! (I really did try my best though, but it’s turning out to be more Grey’s Anatomy-esque)

Anyways, this is #4 on my headcanon list.

Masterlist

XXX

When the train stops at the 168th Street Station, you make your first task of the day to find Doctor Cullen. The campus is growing to be familiar territory, but it’s still massive and you find yourself getting lost on the main surgical floor despite already getting directions from a receptionist. Your frustration begin growing as you turn another corner and realize you’re still as lost as before.

“Just the person I’ve been looking for!” a familiar voice calls out. You turn to look over your shoulder and find the doctor you’d spent the last fifteen minutes searching for. He’s wearing a white coat and lacking the scrub cap from the previous day. So he’s blonde, you notice, not a single strand out of place. You take several steps towards him to meet him halfway.

“Good morning, Doctor Cullen. I’m sorry for not meeting with you earlier. It might have been a little difficult to track you down,” you give a sheepish smile.

“Don’t worry, it can certainly take weeks to learn how to navigate this hospital. I’ve just finished doing my morning rounds, so there is about twenty minutes before I meet for a pre-op. Why don’t we grab some coffee and get to know each other a bit more?” Before you can even give an answer, your stomach growls loudly and you mentally berate yourself for not eating anything beforehand. “Perhaps a little less coffee and some more food would be beneficial for you instead,” Doctor Cullen chuckles.

By the time you reach the Starbucks on the first floor of the hospital, you’ve learned the basics about him and vice versa. He’s a plastic surgeon, this was his first year as an attending, he moved here about five months ago, actually started working here four months ago, and attended University of Washington in Seattle for both his undergrad and medical school.

Meanwhile, you currently attend school away from home at New York University, you’re in your third year of college, majoring in biology, minoring in psychology, and on track to graduate a semester early.

“Hey, Doc! The usual as always?” you hear as you make it to the front of the Starbucks line with Doctor Cullen.

“Good morning, Emily. Yes, the usual as always.”

“Sounds good! Will that be all?” Both the barista and the doctor look towards at you.

You splutter out your intended order and lean towards Doctor Cullen as Emily is writing your name on a cup. “You really don’t have to pay for the food and stuff. I mean, I brought cash so–”

“Think of it as compensation. I can’t imagine how many people actually enjoy being up this early in the morning, especially seeing how this is your spring break. Besides, I think you’ll find you need the energy to keep up with me today. I must warn you though, it won’t all lap appys and fun like with Doctor Stone.”

“I like a good challenge,” you smirk at him. He gazes back at you with a twinkle in his eyes and a soft smile and you can’t help the fact that your heart starts beating just a little faster.

Another barista call your names out and you’re suddenly reminded that this is the real world.

“Thanks for the breakfast,” you quickly say, breaking eye contact and grabbing the orders from the counter. Stop thinking about how pretty his eyes are, you tell yourself, even if they do look like pure amber. Doctor Cullen follows suite and goes to grab his grande-sized cup.

“Careful, wouldn’t want to burn the surgeon hands,” you notice the amount steam coming out of the lid and hand him a sleeve for the cup. When he accepts the sleeve from your outstretched arm, you see a peculiar expression on his face and hear a soft chuckle from him before he thanks you. It’s almost as though he knew something you didn’t.

The two of you walk back to his office so he can grab his notes on the patient. On the way there, he tells you more about his daily life as a plastic surgeon as you eat. He’s done so many different procedures that you can barely keep track of the list. There’s a lot less liposuctions and facelifts – those were for the cosmetic surgeons – and more reconstructions and repairs in his line of work.

“The patient you’re about to meet was in a car accident two years ago,” Doctor Cullen explains. “He received extensive burns to the face and neck, all of which have scarred over now. Our goal is to reduce the scarring and give him back some mobility.”

Before you can ask any questions, Doctor Cullen is already knocking on the patient’s door and entering. The door opens to reveal the patient sitting up in bed along and a woman standing beside him. The other two doctors in the room wore ceil blue scrubs – residents, you note, following Doctor Cullen into the room.

“There’s the man of the hour!” The woman exclaims.

“Mom!” The patient lets out an exasperated groan.

“What? As if you aren’t excited to see the handsome doctor either, Tyler!” You try your best not to laugh but can see the two residents smother their own smiles behind fake coughs. Doctor Cullen is the one to accept the indirect compliment and bids both the patient and his mother a hello.

“Tyler, I have a student shadowing me for the week, if you wouldn’t mind another pair of eyes in the room?”

“Yeah, I don’t mind. I’ve definitely experienced a whole lot worse,” Tyler responds.

“Perfect. Doctor Wang, would you present the case?”

One of the residents looks up from her charts and begins reciting the details as if it were second nature. “Tyler Sardella, age 24, scheduled for scar revision.”

“And what procedures will we be performing today?”

“We’ll be planting an autograft and doing a Z-plasty to minimize the appearance of scarring. Skin grafting will help give a bigger range of motion in the neck, accelerate the healing process, and prevent any future scarring.” Her words exude confidence and you hope to sound like that one day. Skin graft and Z-plasty... you’re not entirely familiar with the terms but store them in the back of your head. After all, you’re here to learn.

Doctor Cullen gives a nod of approval to Doctor Wang and turns back to Tyler. “Tyler, do you have any last-minute questions before we send you to the OR?”

“Nope! I’m so ready to turn my head 180 degrees again.”

“Sounds good, I’ll see you soon then.”

You give a quick nod to Tyler and his mother as both Doctor Cullen and you take your leave. The two residents reconvene with their attending several minutes later and exchange words before they both head off to prepare for the surgery.

You stand around awkwardly for a moment as Doctor Cullen looks over the charts. He suddenly calls your name out, eyes still scanning over his notes.

Your response is to stand up just slightly straighter as you say, “Yes?”

“What procedures will we be performing on Tyler?”

Well shit, you certainly weren’t expecting him to ask you that.

“Um, you’re planting a skin graft, an autograft to be more specific, and then doing a Z-plasty.” You’re unsure and your voice shows it. Of course you could regurgitate words, but it’s hard to explain any further when you didn’t know the meanings to those words.

Doctor Cullen looks up from his charts with that twinkle in his eyes again and a smirk playing on his lips. “Correct!” he exclaims and laughs when he sees the petrified expression you’re wearing from being caught off guard. “Y/N, I did warn you it wasn’t going to be easy. However, I may have failed to mention it was going to be me making your experience here more difficult.”

“Why though?”

“What can I say? I like to keep my students on their toes. It keeps things interesting.”

You huffed and followed him to the OR. Challenge accepted.

Scrubbed – check, PPE – check, scrub cap – well, that was for Doctor Cullen, but check. He’s still scrubbing when you hear him.

“Are you sure you want to be in there? It’s going to take approximately three hours.”

“You told me that,” you remind him. “And I told you that I like a challenge.”

“Alright, but please let me know if you feel any fatigue. I can ask one of the nurses to bring in a chair or you can step out for some air–”

“I will be fine,” you insist. “I sit all day in class, standing for three hours will be a good change of pace.” The concern etched into his face is almost endearing, but really, you’re going to be fine.

Everything and everyone is prepped and ready to go by the time you two enter the OR. You make sure to stand in an area that gives you a perfect view of the surgery but would not get in the way of anyone else. Doctor Cullen has his loupes on and you start feeling the high that comes with observing any sort of surgical procedure. It’s not every day that a mere undergrad like you can witness this kind of stuff.

Two hours later, you are still engrossed in the surgery. There’s 80s music playing in the background at the request of the two residents from earlier, who are now chatting away. About fifteen minutes in, Doctor Cullen had properly introduced you to his residents, Lily Wang and Jaime Montes.

Doctor Stone was great and all, but there is something about the blonde doctor that really makes him stand out as a surgeon to you. He’s able to cut and suture whilst explaining the entire procedure to you. He makes all of this seem so... effortless. Although Lily and Jaime are working as much as Doctor Cullen, it’s clear who the leader in the room is.

“You said you went to University of Washington for your undergrad and med school. What made you decide to work here instead of staying in Seattle?” you ask Doctor Cullen suddenly. The conversations around you die down. It seems you aren’t the only one curious about the surgeon.

“I suppose it felt like the right decision at the time.” He glances hesitantly at you from the head of the table before looking back to his work. You can tell there’s more to the story. “I previously worked in a hospital in a small town called Forks.”

“Forks? As in the thing you eat with?” Jaime asks and everyone around you laughs.

“Yes, Forks. It had less than 4,000 inhabitants, so you can imagine the lack of cases like these. The other residents would have gone crazy. It was peaceful for some time but I was ready to move on. It’s a silly notion now that I say it out loud, but I wanted to make an impact on the people I treated.”

“You weren’t making a difference in Forks,” you say. It isn’t a question, but a statement.

“Exactly. One of my deciding factors in working for Columbia was its resources and size. Here, I could save more people to the best of my ability with the most advance resources available.”

Once the surgery reaches its conclusion, you go scrub out with Doctor Cullen as everyone else stays to finish up. You unceremoniously flop onto the bench outside the OR, propriety be damned. Your feet are sore and you wish you could be wearing scrubs and sneakers instead of business-casual clothing.

A water bottle enters your peripheral and you look up to the person handing it to you. Doctor Cullen’s scrub cap is gone once again and his blonde hair is slightly astray.

“Thanks,” is all you can say as you grab the bottle and take a nice, long drink from it. “Nice hair by the way.” Doctor Cullen has the audacity to look down rather bashfully and runs a hand through his hair. Great, now he looks even more attractive.

“You survived,” he says.

“I did.”

“I’m impressed.”

You let out a snort.

“You’re impressed? You, Lily, and Jaime were the ones doing everything. I literally stood there for three and a half hours! I should be the one that’s impressed.”

“You showed resilience. I have a feeling most students your age would have given in for a chair at least.”

“Yeah, I did tell you I like a challenge,” you point out, even if you did feel like never standing again.

“You also asked very good questions, Y/N. Don’t sell yourself short. You have a lot of potential in this field whether you think it or not. Now go get some lunch, you deserve a break.” He sticks out a hand and you grab it to get up. Damn, his hands are cold. “I have some paperwork to file, so I’ll catch up with you later.”

“I’ll see you then,” you say and begin walking in the direction of the cafeteria.

“Y/N!” you hear him halfway down the hallway and turn to look over your shoulder. “How are we treating the donor site wound?”

You decide to keep walking.

#carlisle cullen #carlisle cullen x reader #twilight fanfiction #twilight renaissance #carlisle cullen imagine #twilight imagines #twilight reboot #twilight revival #twilight saga #twilight #I also never intended on this part to be so long #it just happened #i know nothing about plastic surgery #please do not attack me on my lack of medical knowledge #i only know teeth #doctor daddy cullen #twilight fanfic

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theroyalmile · 3 years

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Started from the Bottom Now We’re... A Little Bit Above the Bottom

Note to Readers: I wrote this on Sunday morning at 5:30a.m. It captures one of the lowest moments I have felt throughout this whole experience and though I am feeling much better right now, and very much so looking forward to my surgery on Tuesday, I think it’s important, when being open about this whole thing, to capture this snapshot of emotion. I will warn you ahead of time that this is not a “fun” read. But it is honest. And I truly believe the sentiment at the end- this was very close to rock bottom for me, so I’m looking forward to the journey back up, beginning with my surgery in 5 days.

*******

A couple of weeks ago, I reached a milestone I never thought would happen. I finished chemo. This milestone felt triumphant. It felt miraculous. I had successfully leaped this giant hurdle, with more ease than I ever expected. Lucky was the word I kept using. Lucky I had never gotten sick. Lucky neuropathy had never taken hold. Lucky my lifted fingernails had never fallen off. Lucky my hair was starting to grow back. Lucky that while still terrible, chemo had been so much easier for me than I knew it was for most.

I rode this high into a wonderful celebratory night with some close friends. What was meant to be a large BBQ outside was hindered by a rainstorm, relegated to the indoors, and made much smaller, and yet, I was still deliriously happy. I held onto that delirium from one thing to the next- a laughter filled game night at my parents' new home, a lovely, relaxing few days with my partner’s family, to a productive, incredibly normal feeling day back in the office.

As I prepared to continue riding that high into my long awaited “girls weekend” with some friends who had all banded together to come in from out of town, I received a call. It was the plastic surgery department calling to confirm my surgery date for June 22- a date that was three weeks earlier than the date I had in my calendar and that I had spent the last two months making plans around. I was confused, annoyed, and a little scared. What had happened, I wondered? I contacted my social worker via email to ask her, nicely of course, what the ever-loving f*** was happening. She told me she would get to the bottom of it immediately. I did my best to enter into my girls weekend undeterred from having the most fun ever, as was planned.

The next day, I received a call from my surgeon who walked me through why the date had changed, and the pros and cons to changing the date. I won’t get into the details but the most important point is, she said it was ultimately my decision on which date to keep, but from a cancer care perspective the earlier date was optimal. This is not to say the later date would have been dangerous, just not-optimal, whatever that means. I asked if I could have the weekend to think about it and she said of course. I called my partner to discuss, and my mother. I made a little pro/con list in my phone that I would let ruminate for the weekend. And then I did my best, mostly successfully, to put this all in the back of my mind until Monday so I could enjoy my girls weekend as planned.

Ultimately, after what ended up being a wonderful, mostly cancer-thought-free weekend, with the help of my family, partner, social worker, and little pro/con list, I decided to move my surgery date up to the earlier date. After all, my number one goal here is to be cancer-free. Why would I not do everything I could to best ensure that result. Somewhat begrudgingly, but confidently, I altered all my plans. I informed work of my new surgery date which they wholeheartedly accepted and supported. I cancelled my “staycation” and other various plans I had made to enjoy my last free weekends before my procedure. I went through the process of reworking my entire brain to accept that this was all happening much, much sooner than I had planned. I found a way to become re-excited by my surgery and what it meant. No more cancer in my body. The light at the end of the tunnel was back and closer than ever.

One particularly hard pill to swallow with this closer date was that with my post-chemo energy climbing, I had been excited to start working out again, and start eating healthy again. I had hoped in those 30+ days I might even lose some of the 5 pounds or so of the chemo weight I had gained. I wanted to go into this surgery feeling powerful, strong, positive and healthy. With this newer surgery date I felt that this goal was still possible, I just had less time to accomplish it. That was fine, I thought, after all, it wasn’t about the weight loss as much as it was about feeling good. And I was determined to do my damndest to feel as good as possible with the time I had.

I started working out every day. Nothing crazy or overzealous I thought. Some brief cardio, 30-45 minutes on the stationary bike. Light weight lifts. Beginner level stuff. Enough to work up a minor sweat and push me a little. But not to push too hard. With the support of my partner I started eating well (emphasis well, not less). More salads, more fruit, more water. Less junk food. I was meditating daily, which is something I have never done before. I was feeling good, feeling empowered. I had even lost 2 pounds, which was, frankly, just a bonus.

I went into my plastic surgery pre-op appointment excited and nervous. I was going to be able to ask all of my questions about the surgery, which I had written out ahead of time. I was going to learn about how to care for my recovering body. This appointment made this all seem so real. More so than it had before. But I was happy about that. I was shocked by how excited I was by the idea of a bilateral mastectomy. Of course, still very scared, but excited, which made the fear more palatable.

I don’t like to say things that are overly flattering of myself, but I like to think through this whole process I have remained fairly calm, undeterred, and strangely positive. Not in a Pollyanna positive kind of way (as my mother would say), just optimistic about the outcome of all of this. Optimism is not my natural mode, so I have worked very hard to do this. That is not to say it hasn’t been hard. Or course it has. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I have cried more these last few months than probably the last few years combined. But I have remained, for the most part, positive.

This was how I felt walking into my plastics pre-op appointment. My mother was with me for support. She had been there with me for my first consult with plastics and oh boy, had I needed her. When the sheer weight of everything had hit me once we started going over breast reconstruction, I had completely lost it. She was there to support me and help lift up my voice when I could hardly speak. I had not anticipated that would be necessary this time, but she was there as a precaution, and as an extra set of ears. But it turned out I needed her more than ever. When my plastic surgeon out of the blue suggested I consider having my mastectomy without reconstruction, take a few months to recover and lose 20 or so pounds, and then come back for my reconstruction later, I lost it completely. We had already been over this two months prior. We had addressed concerns about my weight and determined the surgery as is, mastectomy and reconstruction all in one, was doable, and the right procedure for me. My weight had not changed since this conversation in March. Nothing had. So what the hell. And when I say “lost it” I mean full, heaving, sobbing, hard to breathe tears. I couldn’t think straight. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to throw something. I wanted to scream. We were two weeks out from surgery and here was this curveball that could change everything. All my questions I had pre-prepared, all of my excitement went right out the window. I remember my mother saying to the nurses, with a thinly veiled anger, “She has been very stoic through all of this, but I think today you guys broke her.”

The thing here I must make you all understand is that I am having a surgery I would never in a million years have elected to have if I did not have breast cancer and a genetic condition that gave me a 40% chance of getting breast cancer again. I am having both my breasts removed, and reconstructed with tissue from my stomach. Does the idea of that make you uncomfortable? Yeah, me too. I don’t want this. I will never wanted this. But I have accepted that this surgery is my best shot at having a normal life where I do not have to wake up every day in fear of my cancer returning. And this particular surgery, a mastectomy and reconstruction all in one, with my own tissue, while much more intense in terms of both surgical time and recovery time, is the procedure that made this “choice” that wasn’t really a choice the most palatable. I am not sugar coating to say I was excited. But when the option of doing the procedure the way I wanted was possibly being taken away from me it was all too much to handle. My mother was right. It broke me.

We left that appointment with more questions than answers. Both of us dejected, angry, bordering on more tears to accompany the ones we had already shed. After an emergency meeting with my social worker and much discussion (and more tears), and an analysis of the risks and benefits in front of me, I was done sacrificing my choices. I had already sacrificed too much to this disease and I was done. I was determined to stick with the procedure I had been planning for since March.

So did this whole event take the wind a bit out of my sails? Yes. It ruined everything just a little bit for me, and stands to make all of this a little bit harder. All the same, after making my decision, I was determined to push forward, I kept up the exercising, I had two more very productive days at the office and felt confident about my medical leave from my job. Was I feeling as strong as before? Not quite. But I was feeling better. And the weekend was approaching fast, which I was looking forward to.

I had plans for the weekend. Nothing monumental. Saturday, my partner and I had planned to go to the driving range at a local golf course. This was a favorite activity of mine when I was younger. My uncle Billy, who died in 2019, used to take me to the driving range when I was a pre-teen/teen. I was excited to give it a shot again and see if I still had it, or at least had my 14-year-old version of “it”. Saturday also happened to be the two year anniversary of my Uncle Billy’s death, which I had forgotten, but I wonder if subconsciously I remembered, as the coincidence is a bit too odd to ignore. Then Sunday, we planned to go to the beach. We were going to get there early, 8am for low tide, because one of our favorite activities is to explore tide pools. This may seem juvenile, but the beach, and the tide pools bring me immense joy. Though I only had two weekends before my surgery and a month long recovery, I was determined to make the most of them.

However, my weekend plans, like my pre-surgery excitement, were perhaps too good to be true. Saturday morning, before my day had really even started, I was bending over to put something in the compost when my back gave out and a sharp pain hit me in the center of my lower back. I was stuck there crouched down, wondering if I could even stand. With much pain I did stand, and suddenly realized I was in trouble. I called out to Caleb with a bit of urgency, and when he came over, I said “Something happened to my back, I don’t think I can walk.” And I truly didn’t think I could. He slowly walked me over to the couch where I was able to lay down, but not without excruciating pain. And when I say excruciating, I mean it. On the pain scale- the one that doctors always have with the little frowny faces I would say it was a 7. Maybe a 6. Maybe an 8. Whatever it was, I can way with utmost certainty, I have never, in my entire life, felt this much pain. Whenever I sat up- pain. Whenever I stood- pain. Whenever I took a step- pain. This was make-you-want-to-vomit pain. This was need-help-going-to-the-bathroom pain. This was I-am-afraid-to-move-even-a-little pain. I have hurt my back before. But never, ever like this.

With my upcoming surgery I am restricted from taking blood thinning medication - so no ibuprofen, no aspirin. I am also restricted from taking CBD, THC, and any marijuana products. I tried acetaminophen. I tried wet heat. I tried dry heat. I tried ice. None of it seemed to really help. We considered going to the emergency room but I wasn’t sure I could make it down our front stairs, let alone into a car. Plus the idea of one single unnecessary second in a hospital, especially with a long hospital stay looming, was unpalatable. Finally, I called Dana Farber and spoke with the on-call physician, who, after confirming it was safe for me pre-surgery, prescribed me muscle relaxers.

Of course, a driving range trip was out of the question. I cancelled dinner plans with a friend as well. I felt little to no relief until 11pm, which allowed me to make it up the stairs and into bed. The relief gave me a false sense of hope, thinking perhaps, by tomorrow, I will be better. Maybe even better enough to go to the beach. My one beach trip of the summer. That’s all I wanted. I knew tidepools were out of the question. But maybe I could at least put my feet in the sand, and smell the ocean water. That seemed good enough.

As soon as I awoke on Sunday at 5:30am to take my next dose of pain meds and muscle relaxers I knew it would never happen. I had reverted back to my earlier pain levels. I struggled to get out of bed, and required being literally held up to go to the bathroom. And I never went back to sleep after that. I just sat there, taking in everything that was happening to me at that moment. Taking stock of the ways my body felt like it was was failing me. Listing the things I had lost. Obsessing on the disappointments.

I can’t quite find the words to express how it feels to be sitting awake, propped up against your headboard like a ragdoll at 5:30 am on a Sunday, crying, but trying to be silent so as not to wake your partner, who, after tirelessly caring for you, helping you walk to the bathroom all night, has finally been able to fall asleep. Looking outside at the beautiful, cloudless blue sky, feeling the warmth of a perfect beach day seep in through the window screens, knowing I likely won’t even make it out of the house let alone to the beach.

Rage. White-hot rage is what I felt. Not at anyone or anything. I don’t even have a god to be mad at. Just life. I was mad at life. I was furious that my one weekend to enjoy, relax, and take my mind off of everything, even if just for a moment, had been taken from me, not even by cancer, but by some freak occurrence.

In this moment, sitting there, silent tears streaming down my face, chest heaving with the sheer weight of just everything I realized there was one thing I could do- my one sedentary, legless outlet. I could write.

So gingerly, I pushed myself out of bed and shuffled my way over to my work desk. With the support of the desk I lowered myself onto the floor to reach for my personal laptop. I opened it. Dead. I located the power cord under my desk, unplugged. After several painful moments of reaching, I determined I wasn’t going to be able to reach the outlet. No fear, I had a backup plan. I reached up and grabbed my work laptop. Power cord already plugged in- bingo. I opened it, made my way into Google Docs and started typing. I got five words in before a blue screen with a frowny face appeared. Well, thank goodness I used Google Docs. I rebooted and logged back in. Another sentence. Blue screen. Frowny face. I rebooted again. And again. And again. At least six or seven times of this, all while that pit of rage stuck somewhere between my throat and my belly swirled painfully. All I wanted in this one moment was an outlet- a chance to be able to write about my pain. And I was even being denied that.

As I rebooted, and rebooted, and rebooted, for the first time in a long time another word popped into my head which I had vowed to never use.

Unfair.

I hate the word unfair. And I hate it in the context of my cancer diagnosis. I was recently explaining this to a friend of mine. It’s not that I so much hate other people using the word unfair to describe what is happening to me, or to describe something happening outside of my diagnosis, but I refuse to use it for myself. I feel this way because I believe nothing about my life is unfair. Yeah, I got cancer. Yeah, I got cancer at 28. But why not me? So many people get cancer, what the hell makes me so special that it shouldn’t be me. What about the little kids I see at Dana Farber any time I’m there, running around with their little chubby bald heads. I got to be 28 before I had cancer- they didn’t. That’s unfair to them. But not to me. The word unfair scares me- because I truly believe once I begin to think that about my situation, about myself, about my current circumstances, I won’t be able to come back from that. I won’t be able to escape unfair.

Finally, as if sensing I was about to throw it against the wall, my laptop came to life and stayed that way. And I wrote all of this, starting with “unfair” and working backwards. Working through all of the things that have happened in the last two weeks to bring me to that word.

I have concluded that, still, none of this is unfair. Am I pissed off? Yeah. Exhausted? Absolutely. Angry. Sad. Scared. Humiliated. Humbled. Overwhelmed. Still in pain, as I sit here? Unfortunately, yes. But I feel oddly… better. Actually, I’m kind of smiling now as I write this and I truly have no idea why. Maybe at the absurdity of it all? Maybe because I am feeling so many things right now, why not add amused.

I’ve mentioned this before but dark humor is in my blood. It came with the DNA that gave me the BRCA1 mutation that gave me breast cancer- ironic, huh? Or full circle- I can’t tell which. I am too tired and delirious from pain and lack of sleep to know the difference. That DNA also gave me my beautiful hair- which is making it’s slow comeback. My sense of humor. My taste in music. My sense of travel and adventure. My love for words. It is half of who I am, and therefore a part of me I would never give up or change, because without it I would be someone else. And most importantly, it gave me this gift, this outlet of writing, which has somehow, in the last two hours, healed quite a lot of pain.

That seems quite fair, does it not?

I don’t know when my back pain will subside. I don’t know if it will have any effect on my surgery in a week and a half. I don’t even know if I will make it to the beach before then. But I do know that even with all of these uncertainties I feel compelled to write it down and share it with whoever feels compelled to read it. Because it's important to me that I remember what this moment feels like.

Because you know what they say about rock bottom. Nowhere to go but up, baby.

#breast cancer #cancer #mastectomy #illness #healing

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mariaarnt · 4 years

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2020 - Creative Plans & Cancer

So my big creative plan for 2020 was to construct an entire Edwardian wardrobe from the foundations up, in ode to the glorious Bernadette Banner whom I have fallen helplessly in love with.

I made some good headway - a trip to the very shops she recommends in the NYC garment district last fall snagged me some excellent fashion fabrics & trims. More basic fabrics like muslin, lawn, and the various corset construction materials were sourced online. I got all the way through mocking up a "cheater" S-bend corset (the cheat is the pushup cups I put between the two layers).

.....aaaand then I got breast cancer. Stage III, triple-negative, aggressive breast cancer. Fortunately the upsides of "aggressive" are I caught it very quickly (hard to miss your whole boob swelling up hard and 10% larger overnight) and it's looking like it's really responsive to chemo, which is often the case.

But the chemo is robbing me of a summer's worth of energy (my fibromyalgia - or rather as-yet unnamed autoimmune disorder we're now realizing - makes me too tired & painful to sew in the winter). And once chemo is done, I'll be getting a radical bilateral mastectomy & reconstruction, so my fit will likely be different anyway. Who knows, maybe I can convince the plastic surgeon to give me that enhancement I've always wanted and I won't need the cheater cups after all!

But having gotten this far in the project, it feels really frustrating to just stop making progress for like 6 months while I deal with this bullshit. Originally, I had planned to do research & skill training for decorative stuff once I had a few basic projects under my belt. My mom has an embroidery machine, and has offered to embellish anything I like, so I was mostly planning on using that, if anything. I'm not one for super ornate stuff anyway.

But as I lay in bed the other day, listening to an audio book to keep my mind busy & doing cross stitch to keep my hands busy, I realized... I can do almost any kind of decorative work in bed. And my doctor wants me focusing on fine motor skills to keep an eye out for neuralgia.

SOOO we're moving up the timeline! I've been doing a ton of research and finding some really great primary source materials for techniques & patterns used at the time, particularly through Project Gutenberg and the Antique Pattern Library which is an absolutely incredible resource and you should totally check it out.

Now here's where we get nerdy. Traditionally, when learning needlework arts, a practitioner creates a sampler book.

I plan to do likewise, but knowing me, I'll want to keep lots & lots of notes - where I sourced the stitches, and any thoughts I had on the technique, process of learning it, and potential uses. But how to refer between the physical book & the digital notes? Because I very quickly realized that physically handwriting it was not a great option.

Now, I could always embroider little labels on the sampler itself, as is traditional, (although I'd use a code to simplify) but that's laborious and inefficient, even if the notes are made easily searchable. I thought about trying to find a pen that would last & wouldn't bleed. And then I remembered this:

Soooo! Here is my extremely nerdy sampler plan:

Make notes in Google Docs

Bookmark notes with deep links

Use tinyurl to shorten deep links

Generate 25x25 pixel QR code for corresponding Sampler page

Embroider QR code on page

So that's my life lately, expect to see some extremely nerdy sewing samples coming this way, mostly shared over from Instagram. And Fuck Cancer.

#sewing #cancer #life update

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thegoldenlily3 · 5 years

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Part 2/2 My Story 2019

Trigger warning/graphic photos ahead

My goal for 2019 was to sell our house and try to get pregnant. I was told by my surgeon that I should have a baby before I reverse my ileostomy. Even though my colon was removed in 2017, at this time I still had my rectum with active UC(Ulcerative Colitis). My surgeon said I couldn’t wait more than 10 years to get this removed and my ileostomy reversed because the disease can affect other parts of my body. Even then, I am not 100% cured. Since UC is an autoimmune disease, I will always have issues in some way. The disease manifests in ways other than bleeding ulcers in the colon. I’m prone to mouth ulcers because of this and I also believe, although I’ve not read this to be proven, that my skin issues are also a manifestation of my autoimmune disease. I deal with this later on in 2019. I’m also always tired and exhausted from all of the pain both mentally and physically.

At the beginning of 2019 my skin issues around my stoma continued to be bothersome. It had been months and months of having issues with my ostomy bag not wanting to stick and my skin oozing non stop. It wasn’t like I could just treat the skin and be done with it. Anything I would put on my skin would interfere with the adhesive of the bag. So I would cut around the edges and basically jerry rig my appliance so that I could treat my skin in different areas with each bag change. I will say this. For 2 years of having this ileostomy and all of these issues, I only ever had one leak; meaning I only had stool push through the adhesive and get all over me one time. Just one. That is actually really really good. My support groups are full of people that have been worse off than me. I was also fortunate to only have to change my bag once while in public and it was at work. I found a single person bathroom with a sink to use. My surgeon once told me that my stoma was very pretty and she herself thought she did a great job. She was an amazing surgeon here until I got a letter saying she was moving out of state so I needed to find a new surgeon. That was devastating and I definitely cried over it knowing that I would have to start over with someone new.

In April 2019, I finally had allergy testing done. I was actually supposed to get this done in 2017 but they called while I was in the hospital. So the first round of allergy testing was all environmental. They put these patches on my back(not what’s pictured) and they read them same day. They were all negative. Then they used needles to put the most common environmental allergies on the inside of my forearms. I wish I had pictures of that. This may sound like it was painful but it really wasn’t at all. The needle only goes through the surface of the skin. I had so many needles stuck in me in 2017 that I didn’t think twice about this test. This test was also negative. So great news, I have ZERO environmental allergies! A few weeks later, I had the chemical allergy test done. This is the white patches on my back in the picture. I had to go home with these patches on and come back in 2 days and have it read then. I wasn’t allowed to shower through that time nor was I allowed to sweat so I couldn’t go to work. Good thing I’m also a side sleeper. After they read the results, I had to come back in the next day and they read them again. Guys, I’m allergic to some pretty weird stuff:

• Balsam of Peru

• Benzoyl Peroxide

• Butylphenyl Methylpropional

• Carba Mix

• Cocamidopropyl Betaine

• Coconut Diethanolamide

• Compositae Mix

• Decyl Glucoside

• Fragrance Mix

• Iodopropynyl Butylcarbamate

• Nickel Sulfate

• Paraben Mix

• Propolis

• Propylene Glycol

• Thiuram Mix

• Ylang-ylang oil

May of 2019 was a pretty good month. Although I don’t have pictures of it, we went to Tappers Arcade Bar with some friends and we decided to ride the scooters around. The entire time I’m riding, we’re looking for a scooter that wasn’t dead for Issaac to ride. We came across the guys who picked them up and charged them and they started to help look. One of them got on a scooter and was riding pretty fast. We were in this narrow sidewalk and he came flying on my right and I got scared and ran into the half brick wall on my left. I scraped my ankle a little bit but I was pretty much fine. That is until I lifted my shirt...I did that, annnnd my bag fell on the ground in front of everyone. I immediately pulled my shirt down and laughed. For a second I didn’t know what to do and I was like oh I should probably pick that poop bag up off the ground before that guy comes over. I quickly grabbed it and he rushes over. He’s freaking out and worried I got hurt because of him. I reassured him that I was fine. The whole time he’s coming towards me I’m quickly walking towards Tappers while hiding my ostomy bag and my friend is with me the whole time. At this time I was wearing a two piece system so usually I’d be able to click the bag back on. When I hit the bricks, it broke the plastic so I wasn’t able to put the bag back on. Tappers was a ways down the street and we went to the bathroom and Issaac ran to the car to get my supplies down the block. Why he didn’t use a scooter I have no idea! And it turned out I still had the car keys. So my friend came in the bathroom and got the keys for him. She then returned and helped me because I couldn’t really do this on my own without doing it in front of strangers. I basically had my shirt covering my stoma so it got poop all over it and I needed help getting it over my head without it getting all over me. I was actually laughing a lot about this. I just thought the whole situation. Was hilarious. And I had a really fun time on the scooters.

Although in May I had a good time, I was still struggling with my skin issues. My allergy test didn’t really help in that area because a lot of companies won’t release all of the ingredients to their products. So it was then after very hard consideration and talking with Issaac that I decided it was time for a reversal. This meant that I was putting myself at a high risk of not being able to get pregnant. My GI doctor had told me at the beginning of the year that it was probably time to do it now rather than later because I was having a lot of abdominal pain with no explanation. It turned out that my diseased rectum was causing me a lot of pain and I had an ovarian cyst that had burst. So there are a lot of options for me if I can’t get pregnant. I’m a big proponent of adoption. I’ve also thought about IVF and surrogacy. All of these options are really expensive though.

On June 20th of this year, I had a Proctectomy, with a rectal mucosectomy, ileoanal anastomosis, creation of ileal reservoir (JPouch), with a loop ileostomy. In simpler terms, I had my the rest of my rectum removed which was about a foot long. I had my stoma stapled shut and put back into my stomach and my small intestines pulled down to my butt. They used the end of my small intestines to create a j shaped pouch that will act as a new rectum. Then they took a different part of my small intestines and created a new loop ileostomy. My previous one was an end ileostomy where the end of my small intestines was the stoma. A loop ileostomy comes outside and then back in but still with only one hole for output. It’s much smaller and a lot harder to handle. A loop ileostomy is required so that my jpouch can heal.

My recovery from my first surgery was hard because I was so sick beforehand. This surgery was hard in different ways. I had a different surgeon so he put me on different meds that I had never been on before but he was a great surgeon. I remember one was Gabopentin and I can’t remember the other but I was also on 3 different nausea meds. I ended up getting very very sick and I couldn’t eat my food. Imagine throwing up immediately after having abdominal surgery. I thought that I had been through the worst pain but this was just awful and I remember it very vividly. Issaac would hold a bowl for me because I couldn’t. Then a doctor came in who for some reason I thought he was there for pt but he wasn’t. I still don’t know what kind of doctor he was but he was just there to check on me. I started to throw up while squeezing a pillow into my gut and he held the bowl and held me up. He continued to hold me up and I just kept throwing up to a point where it was just stomach acid. He was the only reason I didn’t fall out of the bed. That there is a great doctor and I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am that he did that. I know it’s his job to be there for his patients but I feel maybe it’s not normal to go home and say you held someone as they threw up over and over and over. I imagine I can find out who he is now and thank him again. So out of the 3 nausea meds, only one really worked but I can’t remember what it’s called. I felt that the new meds were making me sick so I made the nurse request them to be switched to morphine and Oxy like before, only because I knew I reacted well to them. After that, I never got sick again and was able to eat. Another thing that was different with this surgery was my shoulder pain. It was very uncomfortable and I had never felt anything quite like it. I had to use ice packs and lidocaine patches to battle that pain. I guess the pain was from gas that they had injected into my incision after cutting me open to expand the area.

When I got home, I had severe issues with my stoma that I didn’t realize before because the inpatient stoma nurse would change my bag and didn’t say anything about any problems. The sutures had failed all the way around and created what looks like a moat around my stoma. This caused the nerve endings to be exposed and it looks blood red in the photos. Then, my incision glue came off and my incision came apart. For this surgery, they went through the same incision from 2017. My incision created a hole and got pretty deep but not deep enough for reconstruction. I went to see my stoma nurse and she was a God send. She showed me what to do and I had to change my bag style to a deep convex to help get my stoma more above my skin level. The convex basically pushes my skin down. It took me awhile to get a handle on changing this bag with this stoma. My output was much thinner and more frequent because my stoma was higher up in my intestines. My stoma was also much lower on my belly and in a dip of my stomach which also caused problems. The surgeon couldn’t bring it any higher. Because of where my stoma was, I had to have Issaac help me change my bag. He has been great throughout all of this. I would shower and he would set up a station with everything needed to change my bag. I would cut everything and apply everything but he was essentially my eyes for where I couldn’t see. I couldn’t hold a mirror and apply everything because I was laying down. Before with my old ileostomy, I could change it standing up within 5 minutes. This ostomy had me in tears so many times. There were a few occasions where it took us up to 5 hours to change the bag because my output wouldn’t stop. *** In the pictures provided, you can see where my original stoma was and there’s a ring of damaged skin around it where my appliance was. My skin is starting to heal and scab over. It took a couple months for that to go away.

To prepare for my next and final surgery, I had a procedure done called a Contrast Barium Enema. They laid me on my side on the CT bed and inserted a tube into my bottom and injected contrast. They then took xrays while moving me in different positions. This was pretty uncomfortable and I hope to never do it again.

Pre op: Today September 26th, I’m having a loop ileostomy takedown surgery and a flexible sigmoidoscopy. And of course this morning I started my period and am having full on symptoms with cramps and fatigue. No wonder I haven’t felt good the past couple of days. I woke before my alarm this morning. I didn’t sleep well. I’m nauseous and I guess it’s because I’m scared? I don’t know if I’m scared of the surgery itself or if I’m scared of afterward. I think it’s the latter. Right away I told the nurse that I’m a hard stick so she called the team with the ultra sound so as to not waste time with my iv. I really appreciate that. Now it’s just waiting in bed until they get here. 🤘🏻 So a nurse decided to poke me anyway and failed. I do have an iv now in my upper left arm that was done with the ultrasound machine. I’ve got the nausea patch on too.

The surgery was a success. It’s now a few hours after. Waking up was really rough. I couldn’t stop crying and I was nauseous and in pain. They gave me Diladid even though I said before surgery that I didn’t want that. Then they gave me morphine and Oxy and it it took awhile but finally I woke up with no pain. I walked to the bathroom with help which was hard. It didn’t hurt to walk but I’m just so out of it. Even as I write this, I’m nodding off. I just want to get everything down before it’s hours later and I forget everything that happened. I’m still waiting on a room but they just delivered me some Powerade Zero. I ordered that but they first brought me regular Powerade and I made them switch it. So I will be in here for a few days, until I have a bowel movement. It feels so nice already laying in bed and not having the weight of the feeling of a plastic bag on my belly. I feel free. It’s just so liberating.

Thank you for reading this far. I just really needed to get my journey out so it doesn’t feel like it never happened. If this helps just one person either mentally or physically then I would be ecstatic. 🤘🏻✌🏻👩🏻‍🦰

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icanseeyoufromhere · 5 years

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Reconstruction, again

Here’s a fun experiment. Can a person write a reasonably coherent blog while blissed out on Percocet?

Let’s see...

Why, hello there. It’s been awhile since I wrote. To be fair, I’ve started three different posts in the recent past. I have not, however, finished any of them. They’re all in my draft box, waiting to be revisited. Still, I always find some reason to put them away again, incomplete, abandoned.

Sometimes I stop writing because of the hot flashes--the rapid onslaught of extreme heat that clouds my vision and provokes waves of nausea--that are now a part of my daily existence. (Early menopause is a real boob.)

Sometimes I stop because (Catholic? Female? Imposter syndrome-fueled?) guilt forces me back to my day job. I am officially behind on everything academia-related, and so my writing time should be focused there, not here.

Mostly, though, I think my writer’s bloc, if we can call it that, has been driven by the content of the posts I initiated. I was venturing into terrain that was less about physical changes--treatments, surgeries, jp drains--and more about processing the past year and everything that happened therein. Writing about that mental journey (ugh, I hate that term) is much more fraught than the mere description of the tangible consequences of cancer, I guess.

Those posts will be written, I promise. But for now: Percocet! Oh yes. It’s pulsing through my veins yet again. It turns out that I’m not out of the woods just yet with recovery. My body, tired as it is, has had to endure yet another surgery. An emergency surgery--one that was planned just yesterday and executed early this morning.

For those who are keeping count (i.e., me), that makes four surgeries in under five months. I’m basically friends with the OR staff at this point. Operations are a part of who I am.

So, what happened?

Well, in a moment of (what we thought was) post-treatment optimism, my husband and I booked a week-long vacation to Playa del Carmen. We wanted to go somewhere and do nothing for several days. Nothing but swim, stare at the sea, sip on a margarita...oh, and take care of two small, wiggly children (of course). We had never taken an all inclusive vacation before. Our trips have always been of the active kind: go to places; see historical sites; walk, walk, walk. But, after the madness of the past year, we decided a different kind of vacation was in order. So we plunked down a pile of change up front; packed some bathing suits and sunblock; and hopped on a plane.

Oh my goodness. We are geniuses. This trip was perfection, even with two children. All-inclusives are like little bastions of paradise for parents. There were hotel-organized games, a kids’ pool, and beach toys to make sand castles. Our kids were delighted by the wild iguanas roaming the grounds, the ice cream that was available at every turn, and the elaborate theater performances each evening. We had unlimited snacks and drinks (milk for the kiddos; tequila for the parents). We didn’t even have to clean up the post-tornado-like mess of sand and toys and towels in our room. I didn’t want to leave. For six days, we really could relax, children and all. It was blissful. I was (and am) so grateful.

Okay, okay, but the percocet. THE PERCOCET. How did I get here?

So the one small catch of our vacation on the beach was that I was not allowed to submerge myself in any water (chlorinated or salty) above my hips. You see, a strange, circular, translucent spot of skin had developed on my right breast, where I still have the expander. I noticed this small circle a few days before our flight. In a moment of rare, proactive pragmatism (I’m really pretty lazy when it comes to post-op care), I decided to see my plastic surgeon. He gave me silver sulfadiazine, a cream that, when applied, increases blood flow to an area and can help strengthen fragile skin tissue. He then issued the water warning and sent me on my way, with a friendly bon voyage.

The thing is, silver cream and all, that little circular spot of skin grew. And grew. It expanded like a balloon, a swelling blister of skin tissue.

(Do you want to see a picture? Actually, no. I think perhaps it’s too gross, even to be posted here, where I have shared so many of the gory details of my cancer treatment and recovery.)

Anyway, God bless my plastic surgeon. As I sent him almost daily pictures of the swollen growth on my breast (this kind of communication is like the opposite of sexting--”Here’s a picture of this God awful lesion on my boob. Oh yes, it’s oozing liquid. You’re welcome.”), he would tell me not to worry too much and enjoy my vacation. So I did.

When I finally saw him back in Tucson, the plastic surgeon told me the truth. The swollen blister-like growth was, in fact, a very big deal. It was very, very bad. The skin tissue was too fragile to support the expander. Blood flow was minimal. The alloderm that served as a buffer between the skin and the expander had, as a consequence, disintegrated. The papery thin skin tissue, which by then had ruptured, was sitting atop a troublesome cavity in my breast that would continue to grow, exposing my body to infection.

The only option was to remove the expander, wait for the skin to heal, and try to reconstruct the breast again.

This turn of events, as common as it is with post-mastectomy reconstruction, was absolutely devastating. I have so much work left to do before I will be physically whole once more. I’ve lost two real breasts and now, with this surgery, a fake one. The healing process, even before we can reconstruct once more, can take months. My recovery is not behind me at all. There’s still so much more that my body must endure.

Thank god for the Percocet. I say this with the appropriate amount of respect that opioid use demands. I won’t be on it for long. But it’s allowed me to write this post--and process the enormity of this setback--with a certain amount of detachment, as if it weren’t really happening to me.

Thank god, too, for vacation, and for plastic surgeons who let you enjoy that vacation before upending your foreseeable future with more incisions, more jp drains, more unknowns.

My body must be reconstructed, again. And I must rebuild my outlook and my expectations for the future.

By the way, and as a kind of postscript, allow me to emphasize that, lately, I have so many more good days than bad ones, even though I only seem to write about the latter. I know that my posts are heavy, both in terms of content and mood. I won’t apologize for this, because my goal with the blog has been to reveal the messiness and difficulties associated with a successful cancer journey (ugh, that word again). But I will focus on the positive in future posts. And I am, as ever, grateful that you accompany me as a write. Your time and attention are gifts. Thank you.

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destmibapel1985-blog · 5 years

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Very attractive women in the workplace may be hired but oftentimes are not taken seriously enough. Oftentimes at work, attractive women have to work extremely hard to prove their intelligence and credibility in the workplace.However, this is not the case with attractive men. Attractive men are more likely to be hired and earn more in the workplace than their less attractive peers. The way I started was to ask my primary care doctor for suggestions. You need a breast surgeon and if you're doing reconstruction you need a plastic surgeon. I have a BRCA1 mutation so I'm not sure how your insurance/doctor approval process will go. My dad is bitching and moaning we can go to the F 1 circuit or car museums, despite me telling my parents about once a week for the past three months to look up what they wanted to do and tell me so I could plan accordingly, get them to buy JR passes if necessary, and so on. I sent Japan Guide links, videos, and a bunch of stuff but they read none of it. Now my dad chooses to tell me that what he wanted to do?? When it far too late and they leave Sunday?. Apparently Canada Post isn doing too well in terms of speed. My orders have 해남출장마사지 been backlogged too. I have no idea where they are because CP doesn track international registered airmail or K packets anymore. Honestly I'm a bit on the fence. I use it frequently because it was expensive. At best my skin looks calm and kind of glowy after using it, but it's hard to tell given I'm quite young (28) and have good skin. The cuticle is the piece of skin that overlaps the hard nail and touches the lunula. You may be wondering what they do, or why you need them. If you get frequent manicures, they may be smooth and even, pushed back as far as they'll go. Someone on this sub swatched Nars Chantilly next to the Maybelline Superstay powder foundation in 110 (Lightest shade I think) for me and they were basically the same shade. If that's the one you're using then I can confirm that Studio Fix NC10 is less yellow than Chantilly and therefore less yellow than the Maybelline powder. So the NW10/NW13/NW15 shades would definitely be a better match for you as they are more pink than NC10.. I have three bridesmaids. They are all wearing different gowns but in the same colour (various shades of blue) and are from ASOS. The dresses were approx. People are so used to big company feeding them what's popular that a grassroots movement like bts isn't justifiable and isn't general public. Lmao so a few white middle age man decide who's to push to the media is more legit? Come on now. Be a little more open minded and keep up with the time please.. You will keep feeling a lot of frustration on this game, as all of us. But there also a lot of rewarding feelings in this game also. At some point you will feel it. Stay out of your ears. You can exacerbate a mild case of swimmer's ear or promote infection by poking, swabbing, or scratching inside your ears. The wax produced in the ear is antibacterial and forms a natural protective barrier against moisture and minor irritation. However the bigger problem is that they just not showing up. Lots of MPs are not running for 2019, fundraising is down, I don really know what their platform is at the moment, and 해남출장마사지 Singh doesn strike me as being very active, it feels like he phoning it in. This is bad because no one is actually talking about NDP policy, everyone is talking about how Singh needs to win a seat in a province he never spent time in.

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tiochacrale1985-blog · 5 years

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My friend struggled with Crohn for years on and off. The pain and issues she had ended up having her turn to methods to alleviate the pain until she became hooked on more serious drugs and ended up addicted to heroin. She struggled for a number of years and finally got clean, had a wonderful daughter, and was back in school turning her life around.. You clearly don fucking read, which is kind of funny since you individually quoted things you had an issue with. Somehow you still put words in my mouth and insist on being dense. I said most white people are racist, the word ALL was never used. So, what their options? They could ban certain augmented persons from flying entirely, which would reduce the number of potential customers, and would be a bad PR move in general. Alternatively, they could segregate the passengers to either aug only flights (inefficient, incredibly expensive, and just puts all your potential apples in one basket), or modify planes to have an aug only section (expensive, and doesn address the key security issue of preventing an aug from ripping the plane apart in their own section). Or, take the far more reasonable and affordable course of action invest in some form of technology for each augmented passenger above a certain threat level.. I don regret either. My uni degree taught me a level of mental discipline and organisation I never have known otherwise, as well as the fact I love my field of study and learned so much and gained so much perspective from it. I used my degree when I 평택출장안마 traveled, but now I work in fashion.. A $1.2 billion bid from Derek Jeter and other investors for the Miami Marlins is reportedly headed to Major League Baseball for approval. Jeter would serve as CEO. We discuss the success of former star players in team management and name our favorite. All in all, relationship is all about trust. If you don trust someone enough to tell them your trans after dating them for YEARS, that s red flag. If I dated someone for a long time and found out they used to be fat, which they competely hid 평택출장안마 from me, I would also be hurt. Edit: so upon doing research, turns out it's about the algorithm. Influencers say the algorithm is fucking them over. Honestly, i'm over all the fucking victimization these influencers to because of the algorithm. I was difficult. And she was a mom of 3 with a husband who was verbally abusive (to say the least). She did her best. Just one last question out of curiosity, what ehlers type diagnosis were you given? I am personally very concerned since my pneumothorax that I have vascular type of EDS. I read horrors of this online about your life expectancy being short due to potential ruptures and blood vessel problems etc. I am terrified of having this form of EDS. And he's not the only one. In recent years, the number of people seeking plastic surgery because they want to improve how they look in selfies has been increasing. A 2017 survey from the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery sound that 55 percent of surgeons report seeing patients who mention selfies as a reason for requesting surgery, compared to 42 percent in 2015.. I really hope that getting naturally pregnant happens for you so you can experience that. I have a child myself, but before that I didn get my period for 6 years or so and never thought I could get pregnant and asked myself the same questions. With surrogacy it your biological child, but like you said it expensive and is it worth it in the end? I seem to think so, but it your decision in the long run.

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flatstarcarcosa · 3 years

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anyway in other news i was looking for something after work the other night and got reminded about my post about zaeed’s fucked up face i wanted to do and @grotusque had said she would like to see it

and like. it’s definitely worth keeping in mind my ideas come from my layman’s/casual knowledge of actual medical stuff based on ‘i find it all very interesting but at the same time there’s only a small amount of case files i can read before the medical gore gets to me because i am, in fact, baby’, which means i also tend to defer to the simpler explanations of things unless it’s something i really, really want to know the finer details about

(so with that said, there’s not graphic imagery in any of this but i get how reading about stuff alone can be gross so)

so the two things to keep in mind also are that a) while the tech in ME has advanced, obviously, a lot, it’s also only done so in a limited amount of time which means that either known tech in the core storyline didn’t exist at the time zaeed got shot or he didn’t have access to it along with B) he definitely, did not go through normal or proper channels for anything. which is good for me bc i can use wiggle room for anything i don’t know about lmaooooo

if you’re getting work done on your face, whether it’s reconstructive from injury or just a plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons, in order to get to pretty much anything under your skin they have to peel your face back. like when you open a yogurt container and you peel the foil off, they do that.

with your face.

there’s different places they make the incision to get to your muscle and tissue, but i’ve heard/seen where a lot of the time they follow your hair line on the basis it’s easier to cover any scarring for a lot of people.

i’m thinking, though, that zaeed being stubborn, an asshole, and also again, likely not going through regulated channels, meant he was probably more concerned with just getting stable and back on his feet to [checks notes] be depressed and drink about it.

this is assuming he was even conscious enough to make any choices and i can’t find any confirmation about what condition he was in directly after the shooting, so i’ve gone with the idea he was awake enough to get basic emergency care somewhere and then more lucid to follow up for the reconstruction portion.

i’m also thinking since he went to shady doctors or even a hackjob or two, his scarring looks the way it does because it wasn’t as delicate or advanced as what say, shepard would have access to later on. also, we know that it’s not like scars don’t exist any more in ME at all, but i feel like zaeed’s kind of stand out more than some other characters, and i think the wider visual storytelling like to make a point of a class of a person based on scars.

wrex has scars because krogan don’t go to doctors, garrus has scars after the rockets to the face because they patched him up on the normandy on the fly, and since he didn’t die he left well enough alone.

so what i’ve been figuring is that in order to properly fix zaeed’s face/injuries, it SHOULD have been a very long and very involved, carefully done surgery. likely, it should have been multiple surgeries. it could have been possible that as damaged as his face ended up, to have done the work with hardly anything showing.

but that kind of thing takes time and money, and most of all, patience. zaeed had the first two, we know he doesn’t have the third.

my idea/theory is that he had whatever surgeon he was getting to fix him get the job done as quickly as possible. the surgeon definitely told him what SHOULD be done to do it properly, and then told him the worst possible outcomes for skipping any part of the process, which zaeed definitely ignored.

i’m thinking instead of a nice, easily hidden, single incision that would have left them able to just move his skin out of the way to get to the rest of the damage, the scars on his face are just what didn’t heal better from them going in at different points to just target the worst of it.

now, i would think based on what i understand about any of this that that might actually make it MORE difficult? at least, multiple incisions would mean a higher chance of post op infection, for sure, but some shady doctor that’s probably lurking in omega alleyways because they got kicked off the citadel for malpractice or something is more interested in getting paid and also not getting shot by zaeed being mad about shit to care.

interestingly, while i’ve been trying to write this i was looking up a few things and i did find this of facial sutures and think it’s wild how the pattern is almost the same as zaeed’s. (blood/injury tw but it’s a closed wound that looks more like a minor cut than anything) this pic didn’t have too much context behind it, at least that i cared to look for but i’m using it as a boon to my idea that the shape of his scar has to do with following the shape of the eye socket/cheek bone.

i think his blind eye, the actual eyeball that’s in his head is not his original eye. the original eyeball couldn’t be saved with the way he went about getting the work done, and the doctor popped a new eye in. it ended up getting infected, and he had to go through the problem of losing his sight in the same eye twice. they were able to save the replacement eye at LEAST to keep him from having to get either a third eye or a fake one, but there was no saving the vision.

fun fact: if you lose an eye and leave the socket empty, it leads to a whole host of problems later. turns out our eyeballs help keep the shape of our face laid out, and help support our muscles. if it’s empty, the muscles can atrophy and lead to facial drooping, as well has jaw problems. a lot of people that don’t want fake eyeballs will end up getting the eye socket operated on to pack it with sterile, body safe material before sealing it up entirely. (’reese how do you know this’ zaeed is not my only husband with a fucked up face, remember)

im thinking the initial bits were done when zaeed got triaged/emergency treatment after the shooting. i don’t feel like wasting time right now double checking the ME timeline for what the state of weapons were at the time, since it happened 20 years give or take, before the start of the main story and there’s nothing that can say for sure the weapons the suns had at the time are the same quality that shepard/the alliance or even modern merc groups have BUT

i’ve always gotten the vibe vido shot him with a shotgun. don’t ask me why, it’s just what i assumed, so we can figure there were probably nice bits of metal mixed in with shattered bone fragments that had to be pulled out of his face before much could be done.

they probably found missed pieces of bone just kinda floating around once they started taking his face apart, and i’ve always figured anything that was missing was replaced with metal. it takes a lot of time for synthetic bone to grow, and that’s on the assumption that it even takes to fucking begin with. (second fun fact: you have to have a high enough bone density to begin with for fake bone to mesh with your original bone. it hijacks the same process your body uses to heal broken bones, but if you have issues healing and/or ya bones are just shitty to start with, there won’t be enough Original Bone Material for the Fake Bone Material to attach and bond to.)

zaeed wasn’t in a position where he would be able to have too many follow up ‘appointments’ and he damn sure isn’t patient enough to deal with that. any bone they couldn’t fix got either replaced with metals, or in a few spots, they had to remove bone that wasn’t actually broken in order to fit the metal in.

which also ties into my headcanon that his teeth aren’t his real/original teeth. there’s no way his jaw didn’t get broken when he got shot, and it probably had to get broken further or re-broken depending how much time lapsed in order to start the work. it was quicker to just knock out all his fucking teeth and give him new ones, and i’m thinking it was also influenced that maybe if they didn’t have to work around the structure of his teeth it left more (hypothetical?) wiggle room to focus on the nerves/muscle/tissue damage.

he spent time with his jaw wired shut, and then dealing with how much it fucking sucks to get teeth replaced. ever had your wisdom teeth taken out and how miserable that was?? i can’t imagine getting EVERY. SINGLE. TOOTH yanked out and replaced is any better. it’s probably fucking worse.

i’m thinking a lot of his actual jaw bone, at least on the right, is metal. there’s probably more original bone the farther from the shot it goes, but i don’t know enough about how the jaw actually works with the joints/muscles/nerves to know whether or not having one side of it joined in metal would affect the other side if it’s still bone so i haven’t speculated much on that.

his teeth also, are not bone, and are some sort of space future whatever ceramic polymer alloy shit. they won’t rot or have the same issues regular teeth do, but not keeping up mouth hygiene can still lead to problems with the rest of his mouth so yes he do still be brushing.

but the only other neat thing is that it would take a hell of a lot for him to lose any of the teeth. as in, he’d probably be dead, the amount of force or trauma it would take to knock a tooth loose.

so, the top part of his scar comes from where they were putting his orbital socket back together and fucking around with the eye, and the bottom part is from where they were repairing his jaw. instead of the incision leaving the surgeon able to just kind of, pull everything back at once it was multiple different sections.

it’s maybe likely the damage on his face/to his skin would have meant having to do it in multiple sections anyway, but i’m not sure. (i know there’s been a few high profile real life cases of people getting work done after surviving getting shot in the face, but my interest in this kind of stuff means a lot of the time i kind of just don’t engage too deeply because of Weird Reasons ghghgh)

i’m thinking too that while he isn’t totally deaf in that ear, he suffered moderate hearing damage because he didn’t want to have more surgery to fix his ear. he also has lasting pain/issues in his neck and going down the right side of his body because really, there was a lot more that SHOULD have been done aside from ‘stop immediate progressive damage, pluck out foreign objects, replace missing pieces, stitch back together’.

as it was, there’s no doubt the fact that he didn’t end up literally dead or clinically brain dead is good enough, but his face being in as good of shape as it is is just a bonus. whatever back alley surgeon he found was definitely worth the money, regardless of why they ended up being a shady alleyway kinda doctor.

oh, also, he gets turbo migraines because of being blind in one eye, but that’s a different post (that will feature slade).

i also have a hc that he actually did almost die from infection from being too careless with his post op care, and got scolded to shit by the surgeon so fucking bad he was just kinda white guy blinking.gif about it

(”where’d you get those goddamn brass balls doc?” “the same place i got my medical degree now shut the fuck up before i let you die of sepsis”)

anyway uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh tldr yeah zaeed getting shot isn’t where the drama is, it’s actually in how he had to get his face peeled back like someone taking the protective film off a new tv to keep him alive.

this i was just gonna put in the tags but i don’t want it not under a cut but:

sometimes i think about the case of the guy that got mauled by a fucking bear and was just. sitting there having to like, fucking hold his face/jaw together so it did not literally end up in two pieces and how not only did he FUCKING LIVE but once all the reconstructive surgery was done he almost looked normal and how fucking amazing that is.

i think i lost the bookmark for what little of the case study file was floating around at the time but i always meant to go back to it and never did because holy fuck. i just hate that any reputable case study sites are usually locked behind paywalls, or require credentials if not because of HIPAA and trying to find more stuff as a layman bc you have a genuine (if morbid maybe?) interest usually involves fucking shock sites.

which is why it’s not an interest i can really engage in too much :\

i can deal with seeing pictures of injuries in the context of ‘this is what happened and what it looked like, but the real story/important part is what was done to fix it and what it looked like AFTER’, but there’s too many places that do nothing but post fucked up shit for funsies with no further purpose behind it and i ain’t about that fucking shit bro. i actually only know about the guy and the bear because it came up in a reddit comment thread, and someone else had responded about ‘it’s amazing how well he looked after’ and the person was surprised and also a bit mad that so many people had seen the aftermath of the attack, and then never fucking knew/followed up to find out the guy was okay and doing well and ended up getting some of the best facial reconstructive surgery like, ever, and had a link to a new story with more info.

#txt.txt #zaeed #long post #sure hope readmore isn't broken right now

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columntimer52-blog · 4 years

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Tinkable aesthetic clinic

Cryo treatment - What Are The risks?

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The pull is deep under your skin's surface to prevent your face from looking drew. The cuts are made along your hairline so the scars will not be visible. A facelift is cosmetic surgery that improves the reduced fifty percent of your face to make your face appearance fresher as well as younger. All surgical procedure can lug a risk of complications, although we will certainly guarantee that you are in health prior to you are permitted to undertake the procedure. Throughout your first consultation, your cosmetic surgeon will go over with you the possible dangers as well as the treatment itself, to ensure that you recognize exactly what to expect through the entire procedure.

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You may need additionally surgical procedure or various other therapies to maintain the outcomes of the facelift or necklift. Just like all operations, there are risks involved in having a facelift or necklift. Although the threats are unlikely, it is very important to consider them up versus the possible benefit of the surgical treatment. Talk about each of them with your plastic surgeon to make sure you understand the potential difficulties and consequences. A facelift is an operation to tighten as well as raise the loosened skin of your face listed below the eyes. ( Anything over the eyes is a browlift.) A necklift tightens up as well as raises the skin of the neck. It is entirely typical to experience some bruising as well as swelling of the face and neck, however rest assured that both of these signs and symptoms will decrease really promptly, just as long as aftercare suggestions from your surgeon is followed.

As another option, you might want to obtain a babysitter or nanny to aid you with your youngsters momentarily as you recover. Unfortunately, it is not feasible to avoid scarring where the cosmetic surgeon has made cuts.

women Are using vaginal tightening Up lotion On Their Faces rather Than Botox.

After a surgery such a facelift, it is reasonable to be weary and also lack your normal energy. Asking pals or family to mind your child or pet dogs can, therefore, assistance raise some of the tension entailed with this!

If keyhole surgical procedure is the right option for you, your doctor will make a number of very tiny incisions into the skin on your face. A Traditional Facelift will entail your surgeon making a surgical incision along your hairline, down past the front of your ears as well as into the hairline behind the ears. Because of the careful positioning of the incision, your scarring will be hidden within the hair as well as all-natural creases of the face and it will certainly fade promptly up until it is hardly noticeable. When https://www.sciontiprostatecenter.com/hifu-pros-and-cons has been made the surgeon will certainly really carefully divide the skin from the underlying tissue, prior to repositioning excess fat and also tightening facial muscles. The skin will certainly then be raised as well as stitched right into location along the original cut as well as any type of excess skin removed. There are three major types of Face Lift surgery; Typical, Minimal-Access Cranial Suspension as well as Keyhole Surgical Treatment. Your doctor will certainly encourage you on which method is most suitable and also which will generate the most effective results - information of each treatment can be found listed below.

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They will certainly then discuss the sorts of face lift treatments that are suitable and also suggest you on any other treatments such as an eyebrow lift, cheek implants, chin implants or liposuction that will certainly help you achieve your objectives. At The London Clinic, numerous plastic and also reconstructive specialists provide face lift surgical procedure.

Preferably, patients desiring facelift surgical treatment need to have some elasticity left in their skin, even if it is sagging, and a great bone framework can additionally aid. Most of people are aged in between 40 and 60, though there are several older, healthier patients that undergo facelifts. A conversation with your professional will allow you to determine whether this sort of surgical treatment is best for you. Our faces are our most primary attribute and so play a large part in exactly how positive we feel in our look.

Her glowy skin, cheekbones as well as tight jawline were sufficient to make me call her skin physician and also publication in. The dazzling feature of these new treatments is that you still look exactly like you-- simply fresher, smoother and also a lot more airbrushed. This surgical treatment includes raising sagging dewlaps and also the neck with the excess skin being gotten rid of. At your initial meeting with your professional, they will examine your face as well as neck carefully and also ask you concerning your expectations.

Are CoolSculpting results permanent?

CoolSculpting is clinically proven to produce permanent results. Once the treated fat cells have been frozen through cryolipolysis, they die. The body's natural reaction is to remove these dead fat cells through its natural elimination process.

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However, as we mature our skin begins to sag as well as one location where this is most remarkable gets on our faces and also necks. A facelift assists to attain a smoother and firmer appearance by tightening any kind of loose skin. For the most part, people are thrilled with the results of their facelift procedure. However it's extremely vital that you have reasonable assumptions of the result as well as your specialist will describe which functions which can be enhanced and also by just how much, as well as those which can not.

Why Do results depend Upon the Amount Of therapies I Have?

Usually, you do not require a General Practitioner referral to see a surgeon for an initial consultation. Nonetheless, if you choose you wish to go ahead with the procedure, your specialist will require even more comprehensive information on your medical history. In this instance, they may call your General Practitioner for this info, with your permission. We have actually compiled a few of the most typical facelift Frequently asked questions concerning the treatment listed below. It works to review them through as there may be some inquiries that you had not thought of. On the various other hand, if you still have even more concerns don't worry! Your BAAPS/BAPRAS cosmetic surgeon will more than happy to address them throughout your examination.

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Resting La-Lipo.uk’s landing page as resting with your head propped up with cushions for the initial 10 to 14 days can also help to reduce any swelling. If you were put to sleep with a basic anaesthetic, you will slowly wake up adhering to surgical treatment under close guidance. You will certainly have dressings around your face and you may likewise have drainage tubes in position. The registered nurses will usually remove any type of drain tubes before you go residence. If regional anaesthetic was made use of, you may really feel a modification in sensation in the cured area of the face. Your surgeon or the nurses in the recovery area will use you pain relievers which you can take if essential. As part of your facelift aftercare, your specialist will likewise organise a follow-up appointment with you.

This tightens up the underlying muscular layer in addition to the skin, offering a boost in tone that is longer lasting. As UK market leaders in cosmetic surgery, we offer advice you can rely on, therapy based upon your individual needs, and assistance throughout your trip with us. When people take a look at us, the extremely first thing they see is our faces. So, if we're unhappy with the method our faces look, this can have a huge influence on our self-esteem. As we age we lose muscular tissue tone, which can trigger the skin in our face and neck to droop. A facelift is a surgical procedure whereby the skin is tightened to develop a stronger, smoother appearance. A facelift is an operation to eliminate excess face skin as well as any type of undesirable fatty deposits.

The initial reported HIFU facelift therapy for aesthetic usage remained in 2008.

20% of the outcome can be seen right away after the treatment, nevertheless the full outcome of the face lift HIFU treatment are shown 3-- 6 months later.

The HIFU facelift procedure involves highly concentrated ultrasound waves permeate deep right into the skin and promote collagen and also elastin production.

At Elite Looks, it is not advised to obtain energy-based therapies such as HIFU or radiofrequency skin tightening while pregnant.

People had the ability to see results in a couple of months after treatment, without the risks related to surgical treatment.

A lot of our customers only require 1 therapy as we make use of the most recent kind of HIFU modern technology by 3D Lipo.

Nevertheless this may be based upon the level of skin laxity, the biological action to ultrasound power and also the person's collagen-building process, some customers might benefit from extra therapies.

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If the problem is extreme, i.e. a very extreme turkey neck, total modification may not be feasible. A facelift procedure can reverse years of ageing by raveling excess skin of the neck, under the chin, along the jawline and also across the cheek. Fat is removed from below the jawline and also under the chin where it is undesirable yet preserved and also rearranged from the jowl to the cheek to bring back quantity where it has actually been shed.

prepared To reserve a Therapy?

This is common around the cured area for the initial number of weeks after a facelift surgical procedure. Usually, this will be at its worst 3 to 4 days after the procedure, and will certainly then progressively begin to work out.

Can you poop out of your mouth?

It's possible to poop out of your mouth It's called fecal vomiting, and aside from being utterly disgusting and terrifying, it's an indicator of a major health problem. Though if you're vomiting your own poop, you probably know you have a major health problem.

For lots of people, combining a Face Raise with Neck Raise Surgery makes sure that the total look is revitalized and also clients who undertake this combination of treatments have actually reported looking ten years more youthful. Face Lift surgical procedure, likewise called Rhytidectomy, is just one of the most typically asked for procedures by both males and females that intend to look as young as they really feel. It is executed to get rid of or minimize the skin that has lost its all-natural flexibility - typically around the eyes, mouth and jaw line - smooth the skin, decrease lines and wrinkles and invigorate a tired-looking look. All independent clinics as well as health centers that supply cosmetic surgery in England should be signed up with the CQC. The CQC publishes examination reports as well as performance rankings to aid individuals select treatment.

Which is better for double chin Kybella or CoolSculpting?

Kybella and CoolSculpting each have their own set of benefits and drawbacks. Kybella can treat small areas of fat, does not require a capital investment, and can be done in a small exam room. CoolSculpting, by contrast, can debulk bigger necks, treat lateral areas, and involves less downtime than Kybella.

Clifton Park Healthcare facility is devoted to supplying exceptional cosmetic surgery results for every one of our patients. to even more improve your outcomes you facelift might be incorporated with a neck lift, blepharoplasty, nose job, and/or face implants such as chin implants. -- for individuals that have extreme face sagging, and cheek and also neck aging. Cuts are made under your Shallow Musculoaponeurotic System layer that manages your face as well as this muscular tissue layer is raised along with the fat and skin.

Throughout this consultation, your cosmetic surgeon will certainly check your wounds to see how they are recovery, eliminate any kind of non-dissolvable stitches, as well as remove or change any dressings if essential. Your Medbelle BAAPS/BAPRAS doctor might be able to provide you even more facelift preparation suggestions along with even more certain info on your surgical procedure, on the day of your examination. Ensure you follow their instructions to accomplish the best arise from surgical treatment.

At what temperature do fat cells die?

The optimum temperature for fat cell death is actually just above freezing at 39 to 41 degrees Fahrenheit. The threshold for damage to your skin and other tissues is a much lower temperature that CoolSculpting machines will never reach.

It leaves only faintly noticeable fine lines to make sure that others will not understand the reason that you 'look so well'. As we age the skin on our face and neck begins to droop from a loss of muscular tissue tone. A facelift is an operation to tighten the skin on the face, producing a stronger and also smoother appearance. A wonderful split second glow and an extra defined jawline, raised eyebrow as well as cheekbones. Yet due to the fact that this is functioning from within the full-lifting and also skin tightening result is visible after regarding 4 weeks. Great deals of people say they do not need to top up their Botox as regularly when having this treatment, as well as some individuals stop entirely. There's no demand to." Surprisingly, given that having a mix of these brand-new treatments, she has actually stopped having Botox as she feels she doesn't require it.

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polishpanda7-blog · 4 years

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3d Lipo Fat Freezing

Cryo therapy - What Are The dangers?

Content

ladies Are utilizing vaginal tightening Up lotion On Their Faces rather Than Botox.

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Why Do results depend On how Many therapies I Have?

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What Does 'fat melting' as Well As 'fat Freezing' feel Like For customers?

The pull is deep under your skin's surface to avoid your face from looking pulled. The cuts are made along your hairline so the marks will not show up. A facelift is cosmetic surgery that improves the lower half of your face to make your face look fresher and more youthful. All surgical treatment can carry a risk of difficulties, although we will certainly make sure that you are in good health prior to you are enabled to undergo the treatment. During your preliminary assessment, your surgeon will certainly go over with you the possible threats and also the treatment itself, so that you recognize exactly what to expect via the entire process.

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You might require additionally surgery or other treatments to preserve the outcomes of the facelift or necklift. Similar to all procedures, there are dangers associated with having a facelift or necklift. Although the dangers are not likely, it is necessary to consider them up against the prospective benefit of the surgical procedure. Discuss each of them with your plastic surgeon to ensure you comprehend the possible complications as well as effects. A facelift is a procedure to tighten up as well as raise the loosened skin of your face below the eyes. ( Anything over the eyes is a browlift.) A necklift tightens up as well as lifts the skin of the neck. It is totally normal to experience some bruising and swelling of the face as well as neck, however felt confident that both of these signs and symptoms will diminish really promptly, equally as lengthy as aftercare suggestions from your doctor is complied with.

As an additional alternative, you might desire to obtain a sitter or baby-sitter to assist you with your children momentarily as you recoup. Regrettably, it is not feasible to prevent scarring where the specialist has made incisions.

ladies Are using genital tightening cream On Their Faces rather Than Botox.

After a procedure such a facelift, it is understandable to be exhausted and also lack your common energy. Asking good friends or family members to mind your kid or family pets can, consequently, aid raise a few of the anxiety included with this!

If keyhole surgery is the right choice for you, your doctor will make several extremely tiny cuts right into the skin on your face. A Conventional Face Lift will certainly entail your doctor making a medical laceration along your hairline, down past the front of your ears and also right into the hairline behind the ears. Due to the mindful positioning of the laceration, your scarring will certainly be hidden within the hair and all-natural folds of the face and it will certainly fade swiftly till it is hardly visible. As soon as the laceration has actually been made the cosmetic surgeon will certainly very carefully separate the skin from the underlying tissue, prior to repositioning excess fat as well as tightening up face muscular tissues. The skin will after that be lifted and stitched into area along the original cut and any kind of excess skin removed. There are three primary kinds of Face Lift surgery; Standard, Minimal-Access Cranial Suspension as well as Keyhole Surgical Treatment. Your surgeon will advise you on which technique is most appropriate and also which will certainly produce the best results - information of each procedure can be located below.

They will then discuss the sorts of facelift treatments that appropriate and also suggest you on any other procedures such as a brow lift, cheek implants, chin implants or liposuction surgery that will assist you attain your goals. At Lipo freeze , a number of plastic and reconstructive doctors provide facelift surgical procedure.

Ideally, people desiring facelift surgical procedure require to have some elasticity left in their skin, even if it is drooping, and an excellent bone framework can also help. Most of individuals are aged between 40 and also 60, though there are several older, healthier people that undertake facelifts. A discussion with your professional will enable you to identify whether this kind of surgical procedure is appropriate for you. Our faces are our most predominant function therefore play a huge component in exactly how confident we feel in our look.

Her glowy skin, cheekbones and taut jawline were more than enough to make me call her skin physician and also book in. The fantastic thing about these new procedures is that you still look precisely like you-- just fresher, smoother and much more airbrushed. This surgical treatment involves lifting sagging dewlaps and also the neck with the excess skin being removed. At your initial meeting with your professional, they will analyze your face and also neck carefully and ask you about your expectations.

eliminating Skin labels Yourself.

Nevertheless, as we mature our skin starts to sag as well as one area where this is most noteworthy gets on our faces as well as necks. A facelift helps to attain a smoother and also stronger appearance by tightening up any loose skin. In many cases, individuals are delighted with the outcomes of their facelift operation. Nonetheless it's really important that you have realistic assumptions of the end result and also your specialist will clarify which features which can be enhanced as well as by just how much, and also those which can not.

Why Do results rely On the Number Of treatments I Have?

Usually, you do not require a GP reference to see a cosmetic surgeon for an initial consultation. Nonetheless, if you choose you intend to go ahead with the treatment, your cosmetic surgeon will need more detailed details on your medical history. In botox alternative Wellingborough , they may call your General Practitioner for this info, with your approval. We have assembled a few of the most typical facelift Frequently asked questions about the treatment below. It is useful to review them through as there might be some concerns that you had not thought about. On the other hand, if you still have further concerns do not fret! Your BAAPS/BAPRAS cosmetic surgeon will enjoy to address them throughout your appointment.

select From 13 places offering genital tightening Up In Uk.

Can you freeze your fat off at home?

CoolSculpting is known for “freezing” fat cells, but there's much more to the process. During your treatment, your provider uses a small applicator that also sucks out some of the frozen fat cells. However, applying ice at home only freezes your skin and doesn't get rid of any fat cells.

Sleeping and also resting with your head propped up with cushions for the first 10 to 14 days can also help to reduce any type of swelling. If you were put to sleep with a basic anaesthetic, you will slowly get up complying with surgical treatment under close guidance. You will have dressings around your face as well as you may additionally have drainage tubes in place. The registered nurses will certainly typically get rid of any type of drainage tubes before you go home. If neighborhood anaesthetic was used, you may feel an adjustment in feeling in the treated location of the face. Your specialist or the registered nurses in the recovery area will supply you medicines which you can take if required. As part of your facelift aftercare, your cosmetic surgeon will likewise organise a follow-up visit with you.

This tightens up the underlying muscular layer in addition to the skin, supplying a rise in tone that is much longer long-term. As UK market leaders in plastic surgery, we offer guidance you can trust, therapy based upon your private demands, and support throughout your journey with us. When people look at us, the very first point they see is our faces. So, if we're miserable with the means our faces look, this can have a significant effect on our confidence. As we age we shed muscular tissue tone, which can cause the skin in our face as well as neck to droop. A facelift is a procedure whereby the skin is tightened to create a stronger, smoother look. A facelift is an operation to remove excess face skin as well as any type of undesirable fatty deposits.

The first reported HIFU facelift therapy for aesthetic use remained in 2008.

20% of the outcome can be seen right away after the treatment, nevertheless the full result of the facelift HIFU treatment are revealed 3-- 6 months later.

The HIFU facelift procedure includes very focused ultrasound waves permeate deep right into the skin and also boost collagen as well as elastin manufacturing.

The majority of our customers just require 1 therapy as we utilize the latest form of HIFU innovation by 3D Lipo.

Nonetheless this might be based upon the level of skin laxity, the organic response to ultrasound energy and the person's collagen-building procedure, some clients might benefit from extra treatments.

call us.

If the issue is serious, i.e. an extremely serious turkey neck, complete correction might not be feasible. A facelift operation can reverse years of ageing by smoothing out excess skin of the neck, under the chin, along the jawline as well as throughout the cheek. Fat is eliminated from below the jawline and also under the chin where it is undesirable however preserved as well as repositioned from the jowl to the cheek to recover volume where it has been shed.

What Does 'fat melting' and Also 'fat Freezing' seem Like For customers?

This prevails around the treated area for the very first number of weeks after a facelift surgery. Generally, this will certainly go to its worst 3 to 4 days after the procedure, as well as will certainly after that gradually begin to work out.

Can you poop out of your mouth?

For number one solution , combining a Face Raise with Neck Raise Surgical treatment ensures that the general look is rejuvenated and also people who undergo this combination of treatments have reported looking 10 years younger. Face Lift surgery, also known as Rhytidectomy, is one of one of the most typically asked for treatments by both males and females that intend to look as young as they really feel. It is carried out to eliminate or minimize the skin that has actually lost its natural elasticity - normally around the eyes, mouth as well as jaw line - smooth the skin, lower lines as well as creases and also rejuvenate a tired-looking look. All independent facilities and hospitals that provide plastic surgery in England must be registered with the CQC. The CQC releases evaluation records and efficiency ratings to assist people choose care.

Which is better for double chin Kybella or CoolSculpting?

Clifton Park Hospital is devoted to offering superb cosmetic surgery results for all of our individuals. to better boost your outcomes you facelift might be integrated with a neck lift, blepharoplasty, rhinoplasty, and/or face implants such as chin implants. -- for people who have severe facial sagging, and cheek as well as neck aging. Cuts are made under your Surface Musculoaponeurotic System layer that manages your face and also this muscle layer is raised together with the fat and also skin.

During this appointment, your doctor will certainly check your injuries to see how they are recovery, get rid of any kind of non-dissolvable stitches, and also eliminate or change any dressings if essential. Your Medbelle BAAPS/BAPRAS cosmetic surgeon might be able to provide you additionally facelift preparation pointers along with even more particular information on your surgical treatment, on the day of your examination. See to it you follow their directions to achieve the best results from surgical procedure.

At what temperature do fat cells die?

It leaves just faintly noticeable fine lines to ensure that others will not know the reason that you 'look so well'. As we mature the skin on our face as well as neck starts to sag from a loss of muscle mass tone. A facelift is a procedure to tighten the skin on the face, creating a firmer and smoother look. A great immediate glow as well as a much more specified jawline, raised brow as well as cheekbones. But due to the fact that this is functioning from within the full-lifting as well as skin firm result shows up after concerning four weeks. Lots of individuals state they do not need to cover up their Botox as regularly when having this therapy, and some people quit totally. There's no need to." Interestingly, because having a combination of these brand-new treatments, she has actually stopped having Botox as she feels she does not need it.

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unlikelyredheadedsuspect · 6 years

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Celebrating New Beginnings - Again

Today, January 12th 2018 is an important day!

Today marks 3 months since my last Taxol treatment! Three months of chemotherapy plus exactly 3 months without the drug leaves me in a different place. This means that the Taxol drug should be fully out of my system and that all those nasty symptoms associated with Taxol (hair loss, mouth sores, neuropathy, fatigue, nausea, etc.) should be out the window. And if anyone has seen me lately...my hair growth is a definite sign of this change.

Today I also completed my 6 month follow-up appointment and mammogram with my breast surgeon Dr. C. As she felt my swollen and bruised breasts, she explained that there is a 1 percent chance for me to have a recurrence of Breast Cancer and that is due to any potential leftover cells that are lining my breast. Dr. C. also explained that I would feel a lump on my skin rather than under my implant...that there is nothing there so cancer would never grow behind the implant. She commented on how even I looked and we chatted about nipple reconstruction (that which I am uninterested in). I will have another physical mammogram in 6 months (July) before being seen annually. I left the office feeling proud of how far I had come...some of this is really behind me now.

Not only is today a milestone, but I have encountered many milestones since my last post during Thanksgiving. In the last 6 weeks or so I have had two Herceptin infusions, a consult with the newest member of my team, Dr.H - my Cardiologist, and plastic surgery! Oh...and not to mention my Birthday!

Above is a wonderful selfie of me during Herceptin infusion on 12.14.17

The above and below photos represent Herceptin infusion on 1.3.18 - A day early due to snow “bomb cyclone” where the snow drifted up to the fence line in the backyard.

Then on January 5th, I dug out of my driveway to travel into the city for a meeting with a cardiologist. My understanding and takeaways from the consult with Dr. H is:

-He thinks the change in valve function is somehow related to the Herceptin (although it is not impacting the squeeze of the heart - which is what Herceptin normally affects)

-He can't say whether the heart or drugs, etc. is causing the fatigue

-He said he is NOT worried about the leakage but he is going to monitor me closely

-He gave the OK for surgery and moderate exercise (no real running)

-He indicated that I can continue with the Herceptin treatment right now as prescribed

-I will have a different kind of echo in 6 weeks to look at left ventricular strain instead of just squeeze

-No need for a stress echo now

-If there is an issue based on further data- could potentially use medication So...with all that being said...I think I am going to live...And I am...still...living.

Then came my Birthday....My day was full - Dim Sum, a movie at a local joint (plus Extreme Sour Patch Kids candy), soup and grilled cheese for dinner, and delicious mini cheesecake and fruit tart from Russos to end the day.

And at Dim Sum I got this fortune “The star of riches is shinning upon you” which was a great way to start of my 33rd year.

The very next day Jordan and I were up and at ‘em at 5:00, showered with the special anti-bacterial soap, and made it to the hospital at 6:00am. At 7:30am I was headed into pre-op for the second half of my reconstructive surgery with Dr. F.

This picture was taken right after I changed into my gown before all the REAL stuff happened. Jordan stayed with me, tossing my lavender ball back and forth, until I needed to do all the prep work (IV, blood thinner shot, health care proxy, Tylenol, etc). Then as quickly as I came in I was wheeled down the hallway to Operating Room #5. I remember consciously smiling to doctors and patients alike as I rolled down the corridor in style. I remember being assisted onto what seemed like a thin table and I thought I heard someone say, “here is some oxygen...let’s go someplace nice.”

The next thing I remember is that I am dreaming and then I am suddenly awakened from my dream too soon. I awoke on the table in the operating room. I saw the multiple big lights in my face and saw an outline of a doctor a few feet away getting something. I heard the anesthesiologist say, “she is waking up” and heard Dr. F explain that he just wanted to finish up a few things. And then all I remember is movement and waking up as they fit the bed into post-op position. Pretty freaky huh? I wish I had a cooler end to that story but it is still neat.

Before I left post-op to go home, the anesthesiologist stopped by and asked me if I remembered anything like waking up in operating room. I told him the story mentioned above and then I asked how long I was awake. The anesthesiologist confirmed that I had woken up at the end (after he had taken the breathing tube out) but before my plastic surgeon properly applied the steri-strips, nitro-something-or-other, and surgical bra. He said I was awake on the table for about 10 minutes...it only felt like a minute to me.

Since surgery on Monday, I have been home recuperating. In the picture below you can see some of the iodine and black markings.

Now let me just clarify a few things. First, this surgery was drastically easier than the bi-lateral mastectomy. This makes sense, right? I mean the amputation had occurred in first go around....this time we were looking more at replacement.

Second, the reconstructive surgery wasn’t quite as simple as I originally thought, but comparatively speaking it was. This became apparent when Dr. F started to draw all over my chest with his trusty black marker (which 4 days, 3 showers, and numerous alcohol swaps later is still so ever present). Dr. F began making several lines above my initial scars, in the middle of my chest, and where I had extra skin. I understood that he had to extend my scar to get rid of the extra skin but did not comprehend the other marks. He explained that essentially in order to look more natural he not only had to position the implants correctly, fix the excess skin, but also work with the muscle so that it didn’t look like I was flat and then a bulging round implant and then flat again. There needed to be a more gradual line.

....I think he was successful.

And before Jordan left on Wednesday morning, we celebrated my new breasts by finally eating these chocolate boobies I bought shortly after I was diagnosed. Although my new boobs don’t currently have nipples like the chocolate ones, we just don’t know what the future has in store for “the gals” down the road.

I end this post without exploring/discussing some of the other emotions I am experiencing with this change...such as loss....Instead I choose in this moment to leave you with this quote, “The road doesn’t go where you planned. It goes where it’s written to be.” - Yasmin Mogahed

#imadeitthisfar #newbeginnings #fuckyoucancer

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kristablogs · 4 years

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Titanium femurs are real, but so are their risks

This total femur from Stryker is made from titanium, cobalt chrome, and polyethylene. (Stryker/)

For February, we’re focusing on the body parts that shape us, oxygenate us, and power us as we take long walks on the beach. Bony bonafide bones. These skeletal building blocks inspire curiosity and spark fear in different folks—we hope our stories, covering everything from surgeries and supplements to good old-fashioned boning, will only do the first. Once you’ve thoroughly blasted your mind with bone facts, check out our previous themed months: muscle and fat.

In a 2017 episode of ABC’s medical drama, The Good Doctor, a patient’s thigh bone is so shattered following an accident that, instead of amputating the leg, the physicians in the show 3D-print a titanium femur and insert it into the man’s leg. Presto: The limb is saved. The episode is called “Not Fake”—a reference to the fact that the artificial bone is real. It’s just not biological.

The plot resonated with me because I have a real artificial hip, a prosthesis made of titanium, ceramic, and polyethylene plastic. And I’m happy about it; it’s done a better job at getting me out of pain than previous hip surgeries, which didn’t involve replacing the joint, did. And while I expected the idea of a giant artificial femur to be TV fiction, they’re actually real, too. They’re rare, and not without the possibility of major complications, but they could allow a surgeon to save a limb—just not in the way that The Good Doctor presents.

“They do exist,” says Michael Alexiades, an orthopedic surgeon at the Hospital for Special Surgery in New York, “and they don’t necessarily need to be 3D-printed.” Instead, medical-device companies like Zimmer or Stryker manufacture full replacements or sections of a femur, and surgeons can adjust the size of the implant to fit the patient. An artificial humerus, the big bone in the upper arm, also exists.

These “megaprostheses” are only used as an extreme option. One of the main reasons a patient might need an artificial femur—called a “total femur” in the medical industry—isn’t a traumatic accident: It’s cancer. “There are specific tumors that have a predilection for the femur itself,” says Neil Sheth, the chief of orthopedic surgery at Pennsylvania Hospital. Most of a femur’s growth happens in the area down by the knee, and as that growth is happening, a tumor can develop there. In those events a surgeon may need to replace part of the femur, or the entire bone, with a megaprosthesis.

Another is because of complications that can stem from having an artificial joint. Surgeons install hundreds of thousands of artificial hips and knees into patients each year in the US. Experts have fine-tuned the procedure and devices over the decades so that a patient can receive a new hip and go home the same day, as I did; the new part can last for an estimated 25 years or more. But some artificial joints become infected or develop other problems, forcing surgeons to revise earlier work and replace them. That can lead to bone loss in the areas that the artificial joint attaches to.

In those cases—a tumor on the bone, or severe problems resulting from artificial joints—the surgeon may install a total femur, connecting an artificial hip with an artificial knee. Having one is a sign that a patient has been through some serious medical trauma: “Something went very wrong somewhere along the way,” Sheth says.

Using these kinds of big prosthetics is a last resort before amputation, and surgeons always prefer to preserve as much of the body’s natural biological material. Once it’s out, it’s not going back in, and the replacement hardware can cause further complications. For instance, if a total femur becomes infected, Sheth says a patient may potentially lose the entire leg.

While artificial hips are typically a successful procedure, total femurs are dicier. One small study from Munich, Germany of 22 cases pegs the failure rate at nearly 60 percent. Failure in that context means that the patient needed another surgery because of serious complications, like a deep infection or the hardware mechanically breaking. (The study’s first author is aware of at least two individuals who ended up having their leg amputated anyway after the study period ended.) Meanwhile, Nicolas Piuzzi, an orthopedic surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, puts the risk of needing a subsequent surgery slightly lower, from 20 to 50 percent at five years following a megaprosthesis’s implantation. In short, it’s risky.

It’s reasons like these that surgeons say the main goal is to avoid having to put a big prosthesis in patients in the first place: Their aim is to keep or even regenerate the body’s natural tissue if they can. After all, bones are made of living cells. “The frontier is really in trying to restore native things,” says Geoffrey Marecek, an orthopedic trauma surgeon at Keck Medicine of the University of Southern California.

Instead of 3D printing a titanium femur like in The Good Doctor, a better use of synthetic materials would be to employ it to guide new bone growth. Marecek envisions a scenario where practitioners 3D print scaffolding in the shape of a patient’s bone, and then add stem cells, or perhaps bone from elsewhere in the patient’s body. “With that we’re able to actually generate a new femur, rather than having to resort to using a metal and plastic new femur,” he says.

“That’s where we’re all trying to get,” he adds. It’s a push-pull between using artificial materials where they work well—like in prosthetic hips—and looking for new ways to not have to use synthetic substitutes.

At NYU Langone Health, Timothy Rapp, a surgeon who focuses on removing tumors from bones, does something in between the two ideas. In some rare cases, like removing a tumor from a patient’s pelvis, he’ll use a 3D printed-plastic component that’s been custom-created based on CT scans of the patient’s anatomy. The part (which he says resembles a dog toy) then becomes a template for cutting. “We can use these custom-made jigs that you can screw into somebody’s bone, and then accurately cut out the bone that you want and reconstruct it,” Rapp says.

Other 3D-printed plastic can then help them carefully excise healthy bone from another part of the patient’s anatomy, like the fibula, to fill the space where they’ve cut out the tumor. Rapp credits the technique with speeding up his work in the operating room.

When the situation calls for it, however, Rapp will implant a megaprosthesis like a total or partial femur. The goal in those cases, as usual, is to prevent amputation. “It’s not going to make them a robot,” he says. “It’s not going to make them perfect.”

In other words, artificial femurs are imperfect but serve a crucial purpose. “Patients that come in that need a total femur replacement—their expectations are on the ground,” says Sheth of Pennsylvania Hospital. “If I can put this in, get them out of pain, and save their limb, their expectation has been so superseded compared to what they thought was going to happen.” That’s in stark contrast to someone receiving a hip replacement, who expects the new joint to be better than the natural one they had before.

Like Marecek, however, Sheth hopes for something beyond artificial components. “I truly believe that in the next half century-plus, people will probably think that we were barbarians, replacing joints with metal and plastic,” he says. “They’ll come up with a biologic solution at some point.”

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scootoaster · 4 years

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Titanium femurs are real, but so are their risks

This total femur from Stryker is made from titanium, cobalt chrome, and polyethylene. (Stryker/)

It’s reasons like these that surgeons say the main goal is to avoid having to put big prosthesis in patients in the first place: Their aim is to keep or even regenerate the body’s natural tissue if they can. After all, bones are made of living cells. “The frontier is really in trying to restore native things,” says Geoffrey Marecek, an orthopedic trauma surgeon at Keck Medicine of the University of Southern California.

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sarahaltmanposts · 5 years

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Delayed Reaction

March 4, 2019

Have you ever been driving and when you get to your destination, you can’t remember the actual drive? Or sometimes during my morning workout I’ll complete a set of exercises and ten seconds later not remember that I’d actually done them. Well, I’m coming up on a year since I discovered that lump in my breast, and for the life of me (ha!) the past eleven months is a complete blur. And it seems that all the thoughts, feelings and experiences that I moved through, but didn’t have the time to process are now plowing over me like an avalanche.

A little catch up- Although my PET Scan in December came back clear, a few weeks later I found another lump in my breast. Having had a bilateral mastectomy, it shouldn’t be anything, right? Always wanting to avoid overreacting, I hesitated contacting my doctor. But after about two weeks of feeling the thing, I sent my Surgical Oncologist an email asking if it’s anything I should be concerned about. Her call the next morning requesting to see me right away answered that question.

An ultrasound could not determine what the lump is. Yes, it could be scar tissue or dead fat cells from the grafting that was done during my reconstruction, but the radiologist could not be conclusive. So they decided to ‘watch me very closely’ and follow this lump to make sure it’s not another tumor. I’ll go back for another ultrasound in a month or so.

Getting back to ‘normal’ also meant resuming my regular skin checks with my Dermatologist. Having had several skin cancers in the past, all treatable with a few snips and stitches, my Dermatologist and I are buddies. But at this appointment, he was different. Now that I’m post- breast cancer, he suddenly become over vigilant. He did a much more thorough skin check than before that resulted in discovering a lump at my lymph node by my pelvis. (Who knew we even had lymph nodes there?!!!) He had never even examined those lymph nodes before. So when he solemnly asked “So, uh… when’s the next time you’re going to see your Oncologist?” it’s was all I could do to avoid laughing. Not a humorous situation, but, are you kidding me? So yeh, I sent off another email to my Surgical Oncologist and we both decided this one could wait to be examined at my next check up in a month.

At this point in time, I’m kinda thinking that if we keep digging deep enough, we’re gonna find some stuff. And shit, I’m just kind of done.

Back to the avalanche.

I’m on my third month of taking hormone blockers and I think they’re messing with me. This shows up for me in a couple ways. First, my bones are really achy. When I go to stand after sitting for a while, I walk like an old lady. And second, I’m experiencing an exaggerated version of PMS, where I become overly irritable, followed by some deep sadness. It’s not really depression, but more a lack of joy…in everything.

Warning- rant to follow.

I am no longer bald- that’s something to celebrate, right? I should be grateful. And I am… but….My hair is coming back darker and curlier than it was before. And I’m not really enjoying the growing out process. And if one more person tells me how cute my hair style is, I may just scream. Yes, I know people are well-intentioned. And heck, I may have made the same kind of remark to someone I’d seen going through this process. But for me, it’s just a sad reminder of what I’ve just gone through. This is not a hairstyle I’ve chosen. I did not go to the salon and ask for a pixie haircut. This strawberry blonde, curly mess growing is not by choice. Some days I feel like Little Orphan Annie! And as much as I wanted to play Annie as a child, nowadays it just gets me angry. I miss my light blonde hair. I miss having longer hair. I miss having a warm head!

And then there’s my boobs. I miss them too. MY boobs. The ones I had before surgery. Because the ones I have now- they don’t feel like mine. They don’t look like mine. And honestly, they don’t even look that great. Don’t get me wrong, the plastic surgeon did a wonderful job. But because my boobs pre-surgery were kinda saggy, I would’ve had to go up several sizes to fill the skin and I just didn’t want to do that. As a result, my boobs have lots of dimples and indentations in them now and the shape just looks unnatural to me. And they don’t feel great. Sometimes they hurt. It’s just another reminder.

Piled on top of all this anger is a boatload of guilt. I’m reminded of how lucky I am. I have my life. The treatments worked. My health insurance, for the most part, was amazing at helping us handle the cost of the financial toll of this disease. And my body has mostly rebounded from the year’s events. So with all of that in mind, all these challenging feelings seem indulgent. There’s a voice always whispering, “Sarah, come on now. How dare you? You should be feeling unending gratitude.” So every experience of anger, sadness or frustration is followed by tremendous guilt. And there’s an aching thought that somehow I ’should’ be doing more with my life; that my life as a Mom to these amazing boys, running our household, it just isn’t enough. It’s not a positive whisper, one that encourages me to do more. It’s more of a very judgmental side of myself, criticizing and nagging; as if saying, “This is what your life was saved for?”

So yeh, there’s a lot going on in my head these days. And little things trigger me. Recently I saw a story on facebook about a guy who ‘cured’ his cancer by eating raw. First of all, yay for him. But secondly, shit. Really? Here’s my inner monologue reacting to this story: “Wow, so more evidence that eating raw is good for you and may even CURE cancer? I’m not eating raw. I’m not enjoying eating very much at all lately. But when I do eat, it’s not raw. Right now, it’s carb and sugar heavy because I’m f-ing sad all the time. Great. So now, I’m not only hurting my body by not sustaining it with healthy food choices, but I’m inviting cancer to come right back in. Way to go, Sarah.” And then it turns to: “F-ck that! If I fought so hard to stay alive, I should be able to eat whatever I want! And f that guy for implying that by not eating raw, I’m welcoming cancer back!” OK- I know that guy wasn’t really implying that. He was just sharing his story. Again, yay for him. But clearly, there’s still lots of anger and guilt present for me.

“Waaa, waaa, waaa. Quit your bitching and moaning. Stop indulging yourself and shake it off,” says my inner voice.

And then I learned that this whole thing I’m going through…it’s not uncommon. In fact, most cancer survivors experience a period of time when they process the trauma of, well, getting cancer and going through treatment and surviving. And for me, this part is much harder than the actual treatments. When I was going through treatments, there was a plan to follow and it kept me on track. Now, going through this, it’s ambiguous and wrought with traps, reminding me how I should be grateful, when all I’m feeling is sad. And I’m a bit angry that there wasn’t a warning about this part of recovery and no courses on how to navigate this post-cancer phase.

And if I’m being totally honest and transparent, which is all I know how to be, I’m a bit angry that the support that was so abundant during my treatments has all but disappeared. People congratulate me now, like the whole cancer thing is done, I’ve crossed the finish line, mission complete. Unlike the loving compassion I received from friends when I shared my cancer diagnosis, now when I share my sadness and difficult feelings, my friends just nod and suggest therapy, anti-depressants, or finding my passion. These are great ideas and ones that I’ve utilized in the past, but right now, they’re just not resonating. But I understand my well intentioned friends. Sitting with someone in sadness is not easy or something we’re taught. We naturally want to help someone feel better. I get it.

Another tactic is reminding myself that there are so many people who are experiencing so much worse than me. But this can be tricky because while I understand that notion intellectually, my own sad feelings remain the same and joylessness persists. And then guilt creeps back in and compounds the situation. So ultimately, my training has taught me that avoiding my feelings, or masking them with drugs or busyness, will not lead me to radiant health. Sometimes, you just have to go through it, you know?

So it seems I’m in mourning for my pre-cancer life. And It may just take a bit of time for me to adjust to this new life of mine. One with achy bones, strange, awkward boobs and cancer still dangling over my head.

So please bare with me, dear reader, as I go through my stuff. More rants may follow. And hopefully, as I continue to work through all of this, these feelings will lift.

I ask for grace, compassion and understanding. No need to solve this for me, but I welcome a hug, a loving nod, or a wink- you know, the kind that Samantha used to give to Carrie, reassuring her she had her back. And I hope…I really hope, I can find my joy again.

In loving,

Sarah

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