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uncurlinglikeflowers · 3 years

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Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well.

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked.

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things.

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure.

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance.

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before.

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him.

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay.

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways.

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts.

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most.

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval.

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family.

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general.

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me.

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles.

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek.

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life?

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride.

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today.

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process.

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection.

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us.

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

#pride #gay #lgbt #journaling #love #queer #coming out #coming out stories #queer trauma #adolescent trauma #self love #healing #trauma

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lesbian-vmin · 3 years

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The Topic of Gender Identity - JM Focus

So. This is something that I’ve gotten asked about a few times since people became interested in my analyses. And it’s something I’ve always avoided answering because it seems to me that the topic of gender is way more touchy than the topic of sexuality.

I’m also the sort of person who doesn’t like people talking about things without some form of experience on the topic. I can talk about how I see the potential of someone being gay because I’m gay. I know what it’s like to be gay. I know what it’s like to be afraid for people to find out that you’re gay (passed that, but been there). Someone who isn’t gay and never questioned it wouldn’t have any idea what it’s like.

As someone who has struggled with gender identity myself, I’ve decided that I’ll talk about this. I’d say that I have a controversial opinion on this topic, but no matter what you say about gender identity, one person or another is going to think it’s controversial. So, really, everyone has a controversial opinion on the topic. As it is not my intention to offend anyone, I decided to share that controversial opinion. Anyway. Read on if you can handle someone talking about their opinion without getting riled up that it might be different than yours, and if you’re curious about my thoughts on the topic. If not. Move on. (BELOW THE CUT)

So. Let me start by putting in the “short story” of my gender identity, so you kind of get the idea where I’m coming from when I state my opinion on this topic. You can skip this to the part where I start talking about Jimin, but I just wanted to add this in here so you have an idea of where I’m coming from.

Currently, I identify as a cis-female lesbian, but it took me a long time to accept myself as a female. Honestly. When I was a child, I was more okay with the fact that I liked girls than the fact that I was a girl. Liking girls never felt wrong to me. Liking girls as a girl is what felt wrong. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I know how I felt.

I was what they called a “tom-boy” back in the day. I’m not sure if that term is offensive now? But I always related with the label for some reason.

My parents have a lot to do with my current view on gender identity. My mom told me when I was a little baby, my favorite color was pink. It’s currently pink. She said that once I started learning the names of colors and that they had “genders”, I took a hard turn to the color blue. I pretended that blue was my favorite color for a big part of my life, throughout high school, because I didn’t want to be associated with the “girly” things.

I also liked Hotwheels as child. I was obsessed with cars. This is something I was genuinely interested in, and not just because I wanted to distance myself from girly things. At McDonald’s they often have “boy toys” and “girl toys”. I also have one brother and two sisters. When my mom took us to McDonald’s, she’d always say she wanted “two hotwheels and two barbies”. If the checker ever said “girls and boy toys” my mom would again specify hotweels and barbies. Because she didn’t understand why they were “girl and boy toys”. As a child, I was changing her perspective on gender.

We used to go to Christmas parties when I was a kid, and Santa would always hand out presents to the kids. It always seemed they gave the boys certain toys, and the girls always got dolls or doll related things. So I started to hate going to these Christmas parties. I also question why Santa didn’t buy me the gifts I wanted. He was supposed to know what every child wanted. One year, my mom talked to the people who decided the gift buying, and they got me a giant collection of hotwheels. This Santa became my favorite.

Anyhow. I always wanted to be my dad’s son. I wanted to him to play sports with me and grill with him like he would do with my brother. When I showed more interest in those things than my brother did, he started doing them with me instead. I’d help him build things. I’d play sports with him. And we always grilled together. Until I got older and started going through the inevitable changes that every girl goes through. He stopped treating me like a son and started treating me like a daughter, and it really upset me that my dad’s whole attitude toward me would have changed like that. So I started hating being a girl even more.

Anyway, long story short (believe me, there’s a lot more to this story, but this is a Jimin focus. Not a Koala focus). I eventually came to accept that I was a girl, and actually like feminine things. But, at the same time, I actually like masculine things, too. Coming out to my family as gay really allowed me to express my gender identity more. And I think it’s funny because they often point out how I became more feminine after coming out when many females do it the opposite. I explained to them that I always wanted to be “straight” and like girls, but when I fully accepted myself as gay, I fully accepted myself as female, too.

That being said, I didn’t give in to gender norms or anything like that. I just stopped pretending to hate all feminine things for the fear of being “too much of a girl” to like girls. Pink is my favorite color, but I’ll take the whole fucking rainbow any day. I love hotwheels, and I know more about cars than most modern boys do. I know about computers, and I love math. I absolutely love playing sports (I don’t like watching them so much). I love high fantasy, and I love playing d&d with my friends. But I also love sitting down to a nice romantic movie every now and then. I play all kinds of video games from fps to dress up games, and I love the fact that I don’t have to be apologetic about any of it. I can fix my own kitchen sink and give you tips about how to get stains out of the carpet. I still hate dolls, and they are fucking creepy to me.

I can accept the term bigender for myself, but I label myself as cis-female. Because I don’t want society to tell me that “feminine” things are for girls and “masculine” things are for boys. And tell me how I need to identify because of my like or distaste for either. I don’t mind “feminine” and “masculine” labels, but I don’t think it should determine how much of a “boy” or “girl” you are. I know that people identify as trans and anywhere on the spectrum for reasons that go beyond that, and that’s fine. My story goes far beyond that as well, but that’s pretty much my main focus that brings me to this point.

So. Let’s talk about Jimin now.

IN RELATION TO JIMIN

So, I’ve had exactly one ask that wanted to know if I would refer to Jimin as “they” instead of “he” because we don’t know how he identifies, but I think that can be true for anyone. Just because JK presents himself as more masculine with the fact that he works out and is a “boy” boy, we can’t presume that he identifies as a cis-male. Even if he likes all masculine things, and there’s nothing feminine about him (which isn’t true, but even if it was), we can’t just assume that he identifies as cis-male and is totally comfortable in his 100% male role. So the fact that this seems to come up mostly in relation to Jimin kind of proves how it’s a societal “masculine” and “feminine” thing when it comes many people’s view on gender identity.

I’ve also had a lot of people come to my inbox and talk about how they don’t see why people question Jimin’s gender. “He’s not feminine at all.” And, let me just say that he really is, and I don’t think it would offend him for me to blatantly state that. When he first debuted, he really tried to present himself as masculine, and he wanted to be seen as a “strong/real man.” But he’s eased himself into what he’s more comfortable with, and he, himself, talks about this transformation. How he doesn’t have pretend anymore, and he can just be who he is. And that’s a wonderful thing. And him talking about it the way he does (I’d love to go back and find examples, so people share links if you have any otherwise it’s going to take me ages to source this) kind of tells me that he wants people to realize his transformation. That he is so unbothered by both his feminine and masculine traits that he isn’t bothered if people see him more one way or the other.

Let me bring up Jimin’s bigender tattoo, if you will. (x) Well, it’s not really a tattoo, and more of a drawing. It wasn’t permanent, but still. I’ve had a few people argue that it’s not the bigender symbol because of both extensions pointing straight instead of the masculine symbol being at an angle (x), but seeing as how I don’t know of any other symbol it could be, I’m going to assume that it was meant to be the bigender symbol.

Does this tattoo mean that he identifies as bigender? I’m leaning toward yes, but I’m also going to have to say that it doesn’t confirm anything. We don’t know the reason behind the tattoo unless Jimin tells us himself, and we don’t know the reason it was altered with both extensions being aligned instead of the way the actual symbol looks (if that detail is significant in any way).

Again, I’m leaning toward a strong possibility of him identifying as bigender because BTS are pretty socially aware, and I’m sure he knows what the symbol means. There could be a list of other reasons as to why he decided to use the symbol, so we’ll never know the truth unless he tells us.

I will say that, similar to how I think TH mentioning the Christmas song to us was to see how we’d react to the idea of him singing a romantic song with a boy, I think that Jimin putting that tattoo on his arm was to raise a similar kind of topic. I think he wants people to discuss and question his gender identity. And I think anyone who has come out to their family, friends, and societies would get the same idea. Because it’s a process, and this seems like a step in the process.

I’d often talk about how I loved it when people would mistake me for a boy, and how disappointing it was when someone would be quick to correct them. I’d talk about how being a “girl” is exhausting and how I wish I could flip a switch and be a “boy”. I’d question my parents about how they’d feel if I brought a girl home. I’d use gender neutral pronouns while talking about people I was interested in. I’d question if it was weird to want to hold hands with my best female friends. And the list goes on.

The tattoo seems like a step in a process. Maybe he’s not trying to come out, but maybe he wants us to be talking about it. I don’t think we should just assume that he’s bigender because of it (the same way we shouldn’t just assume TH is gay for Christmas song talk), but I don’t think people need to be so quick to shut the idea down. Because it’s possible that he might not identify as cis-male, and to shut down a piece of evidence like a bigender drawing on his arm is to shut down a pretty strong piece of evidence. That tattoo was drawn on Jimin for a reason because it’s supposed to mean something. Until we know what that something is, there is absolutely no harm in us fans talking and wondering about his identity. As long as we don’t shove it in Jimin’s face and demand that he talks about it. Let’s wonder together. Among ourselves.

As for which pronouns to use when talking about Jimin, until he says anything official about his identity, I think “he/him” pronouns are fine. If you want to call him “they/them”, I think that’s fine, too. I won’t simply because I only like to use “they/them” if I’m intentionally trying to be neutral or if an individual specifically requests to be addressed as such, but I don’t see the harm in anyone else doing it. I think going as far as using “she/her” could be a little too much and a little too presumptive. I’m not the sort to get offended by any type of pronouns. I identify with them all, but that’s not true for everyone. And it might not be true for Jimin. So I think it’s best to stick with “he/him” or “they/them” because they’re the most gender neutral terms.

And yeah. “He/him” is more gender neutral than “she/her”. And, even if you don’t think so, “he/him” are the terms we use to refer to biological males without knowing anything about their personal identity. I don’t think it’s “assuming he’s cis until he says otherwise.” This is just as harmful as “assuming he’s straight until he says otherwise.” Because, for me at least, “he/him” is referring to the only thing I know about his gender/sex until he confirms otherwise, and that’s the biological part of his gender/sex. It’s not me saying “Oh, I think he’s definitely cis unless he says he’s not”. Because I’m leaning more toward the “not” part of that, but the only thing I can confirm is that he is biologically male. He wouldn’t be in BTS if he wasn’t.

Bringing it back to the first point I mentioned, we can’t assume a gender identity onto any of them. Jimin brings up more questions not because of his “feminine” side, but because of that bigender symbol. But it doesn’t mean that he identifies that way, and it doesn’t mean none of the other members do.

Like I said. I was hesitant about making this post and avoided asks about this topic for a long time because people get more defensive about gender identity than sexuality, but I wanted to talk about this. Because regardless of how offended people get about this topic, I think it’s something we shouldn’t be afraid to discuss.

#gender analysis #needs source #might delete...

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nyyyyyyyyyyyyx · 3 years

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Barbie rewatch - Barbie Dolphin Magic

Right, so I began my Barbie marathon with one of the newer movies. I had never seen this one before, and without the nostalgia to make me enjoy it, I wasn’t sure I was going to like watching it that much at all. But I was wrong! It’s a children’s movie, obviously, but it’s still pretty entertaining. I really like the laid back summer vibes, and though the plot is sort of bland the characters and their dynamics are interesting enough to carry the movie well enough.

(There will be spoilers from now on) Something that really stood out to me was how this is probably the one Barbie movie with mermaids where Barbie isn’t the mermaid. It makes sense, since this movie is one of those where we see Barbie’s sisters, which means it’s is more of a real world sort of setting? Anyway, it was super fun to see Barbie bond with this girl who knew absolutely Nothing about life on land and try to pretend that was normal. The scene where she finds put about Isla being a mermaid, though, that was amazing and probably my favorite scene in the whole movie. I mean, the necklace being activated by a dolphin was sort of anticlimactic, and I felt like there were more interesting ways to make Barbie find out, but what followed was still very good.

On a side note, I love Barbie’s sisters so much! They all have such distinct personalities without being those rigid archetypes with only one trait. For example, Stacey was annoyed at not being able to practice any extreme sports and similar activities, which are her jam, but she isn’t portrayed as whiny or one track minded about it. Instead, she turns to people watching, and is shown to be grateful for Barbie giving her a good tool to do that. Skipper also clearly is a nerdy stay at home sort of person, but she still goes out and does stuff and bonds with other people, thankfully not fitting into the “annoying teen” mold which I’m honestly so tired of seeing. Her technology even helps the plot!

Lastly just a small comment on the art style... the cgi is obviously a lot better than in older movies, but I need to ask, why are their eyes so big??? Seriously, the eyes are freaking huge and it scared me a bit.

Gay thoughts: In this part I’m going to point out the things about the movie that come across as allowing for lgbt interpretation to me, so be warned. Well, I think I was up to a good start with this one! There is definitely some potential between Barbie and Isla, and I can’t possibly be making this up. This is one of those cases where making a little imagination exercise and putting a boy in the place of one of the girls will make you realize that the plot would definitely be setting them up as a couple were they not two womenً. Like seriously, right at their first meeting they have a cute interaction and chemistry, and I’m not even joking when I say there was romantic sounding music in the background. Barbie immediately becomes fond of her and invites her over to hang out with her? Like imagine you’re one of Barbie’s sister and she suddenly appears with a random girl saying “this is my new friend, she’ll be spending the night here :))”.

Now, all of Isla and Barbie’s interactions are super cute, but nothing beats the gosh darn transformation scene. Like?? Since this is my stupid gay rambling and I owe no one nothing, I’m just going to go ahead and say that it feels like a coming out scene. Isla was so scared of Barbie not being okay with it and happy when Barbie accepted with no issues (add that to the fact that Barbie then asked Isla to teach her how to swim like a mermaid. Hm. You can definitely get a metaphor out of this if you want to.), it resonated so much with the coming out experience. Also, Isla asked Barbie not to tell anyone, not even her sisters, because even though she did trust her sisters the more people who knew a secret, the more likely it was to get out, and if that’s not relatable idk what is. Plus the quote “people tend to not understand other’s differences” (or something among those lines, I can’t remember exactly) hit a little too close to me.

There was also another scene that felt so much like a break up??? And in the middle of the climax Barbie’s first worry was making things up with Isla??? No seriously, I could not make up how gay the last 20 minutes of this movie are if I tried.

Sure, Ken is in this movie as Barbie’s boyfriend (and as a marine biologist. That was weird, I don’t think I’d ever seen him be anything other than Barbie’s Boyfriend jdbfjhfjf), but they have very few interactions and honestly? Not that great of a chemistry. He is essentially a plot device for the Barbie family to be near the dolphin, and in the moments he actually talks to Barbie it feels more like a “childhood friends” thing than a “significant other” thing. Tbh Barbie and Ken look so much alike that I’d even go as far as to say their relationship gives me some sibling-esque vibes.

Now the last thing I have to say is probably a lot of a stretch but I still want to mention it. I probably only saw this because I have my rainbow goggles on (I mean, the whole point of this marathon is to watch the Barbie movies through queer eyes), but the villain looks kind of lesbian coded. Something about her haircut and demeanor reminds me of the “mean butch” stereotype. On one side, that’s something so subtle that it probably wasn’t intentional (if anything they probably meant to make Marlo a Karen sort of person), and on the other, it’s kind of sad that the one character without a cookie cutter appearance is the villain. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still white and thin (but if you squint she’s a little less skinny than the rest of the gang), but it would still have been nice to at least have someone else in the good guys’ side with a similar style.

Well I guess that’s all I wanted to say! Good to see Barbie movies have been doing well since I stopped keeping up with them. Hopefully I can start Rapunzel tonight

#okay just one post in this blog because I began writing here and I’m too lazy to copy it onto the Barbie blog #Barbie’s sisters being like “’damn our older lesbian disaster sibling picked up another girl from the streets’#Barbie rewatch #Barbie #Barbie dolphin magic #Barbie movies #tw: queer #long post

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phantomjellies · 4 years

Text

the adventures of peter parker, intern extraordinaire, touring his own home, ft. embarrassing avengers

read on ao3 or continue below

chapter 8: peter and shuri are absolute toddlers and barbie movies slap

MJ and Peter rode down to the conference room that had been cleared out and set up with sleeping bags and pillows. The team was just claiming spots and setting their bags down when they entered, sending smiles their way.

Peter let himself relax. This was his Academic Decathlon team. They’d all spent countless hours together studying and goofing off. In a school full of total nerds, they were the biggest of them all. They wouldn’t turn their backs on him. They knew he was still just Peter Parker, the quiet but brilliant kid who sat in the back of class. He was just an intern extraordinaire who happened to know the entirety of the Avengers and was well known throughout one of the most famous buildings in New York.

He exhaled. MJ gave his hand a reassuring squeeze before sending a two-fingered salute towards Ned and Shuri. The two of them had four sleeping bags pulled into a corner, playing rock paper scissors together.

Peter and MJ settled down with them, forming a small circle, Peter facing away from the team.

“Please tell me you’re not going to make me sleep here with these heathens.”

“Shuri, you’re literally not even on this tour.”

“Fuck off, I’m undercover in an American school. Finding out how bad your system really is.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “You’re not even undercover.”

Shuri flipped him off.

“But are you?”

“Like I said, no one is making you sleep here. You chose to of your own accord.”

“And you won’t answer my question, you asshole. Can you believe it? Some lowlife white peasant boy disrespecting me, the princess of Wakanda? Absolute bullshit. Someone bring me my fainting couch at once.”

“I am mortally wounded. I thought I was your token white boy...now I am...naught but a peasant.” Peter proceeded to throw himself dramatically into the center of the circle, one hand over his forehead. “Woe is me! Abandoned by my lesbian wife! How will I go on?”

Shuri threw herself over Peter, assuming the fainting position.

“My husband has betrayed me! The hurt! The injustice! Bring me the old guillotine! The execution—”

She was cut off by MJ slapping a hand over both Shuri and Peter’s mouths, giving them a death glare.

“You two are the most immature people I know.”

Both of them gasped in mock offense, but returned to their spots in the little circle, sticking their tongues out at each other.

Ned shook his head.

“I still can’t believe the princess of Wakanda is nothing more than a Gen Z dumbass as well.”

“And I can’t believe the fact that I became friends with a bunch of American high schoolers, but here we are.”

“This just sounds like you lamenting about your poor decisions,” Peter said, settling back against MJ and pulling out his phone.

“But life’s no fun if you don’t make poor decisions.”

Peter raised an eyebrow, reading his text.

mr irondad: operation c is underway

“So you admit that we’re fun?” he asked, sending a reply back.

the favorite intern: >:)

“I did no such thing!” Shuri protested, snatching Peter’s phone out of his hands.

“What is operation c?” she asked, ignoring Peter's attempt to snatch his phone back. “God, he’s, like, a disgustingly loving parent.”

“Are you really surprised?” Peter grumbled, trying to wrestle his phone out of her hands.

“Aw, he loves you!”

Peter finally pulled his phone back, flipping Shuri off before returning to his curled up position next to MJ.

“Children,” Ned said, shaking his head.

“I’m literally older than all of you, but go off I guess.”

“Well, as Mr. Stark says: ‘Age is just a number.’” Peter said.

“That’s because he’s old. That’s what old people say.”

“Yeah, well, so are you, so I’d be careful of what you say.”

“Oh my god. Just stop bickering, both of you. You’re worse than kindergartners, I swear.”

Both of them gave MJ sheepish looks, muttering out apologies.

MJ simply sighed and rolled her eyes. It was a common occurrence, between Peter and Shuri, for the two of them to start throwing meaningless insults and jokes towards the other. And, contrary to the numerous times they told the other they hated them, the two were very close friends and enjoyed working in the labs together.

But being together also turned them into literal five year olds, so there was that.

Ned, the genius that he was, started up a round of Crazy 8 in their group chat, effectively distracting Peter and Shuri from their bickering. The four of them played games in their corner for another twenty minutes, until the door to the conference room suddenly flew open, a little girl running in.

She was followed by Grace, who groaned and stopped running after her when she jumped at Peter.

“Cassie! Come on,” Grace said, no real anger behind her words.

“I’ve come to save you guys,” Cassie whispered in Peter’s ear, squeezing him in a hug.

“Consider us saved.” Peter grinned, standing up and shifting Cassie to his hip.

“To the movie theater!” Cassie proclaimed, pointing to the door.

“Ope, sorry guys, duty calls. I’ve gotta go to the movie theater with this one,” Peter said, MJ, Ned, and Shuri standing up and grabbing their stuff.

“Uh, who’s this?” Betty asked.

“This is Cassie,” Peter said, inching closer to the door.

“Why do you get to go watch a movie and we have to stay here?”

“Movie night for everyone!” Cassie cheered.

“What? No — you need to go to bed, anyway.”

“Aw, come on, Peter. Let’s all go watch a movie together!”

Peter glared at Grace. She sent him an innocent smile.

“Yep. Fine. We’ll all go watch a movie, I guess.”

Peter internally screamed, then bottled the emotions back up as the rest of the team grabbed their bags. It would be fine. It’d be just like the movie nights they’d had while studying flashcards and binders full of economics or art or re-reading the book or short stories of that year.

Just in the Avengers Tower. Where no tour group had ever been before. Where, technically, only those with high clearance could access.

But, to hell with it, Peter thought. Things were already way out of control, so they might as well spend the night on the comfortable couches of the theatre rather than sleeping bags in a conference room.

So he led the group into the elevator and up to a communal floor, walking past the room full of old research papers (which Peter had gone through multiple times and he was sure the team would immensely enjoy) and into the theatre.

“That you, kiddo?”

“Uh, yeah,” Peter called. “I’ve, uh, got company.”

“Who? Ned? MJ?”

Peter stepped into the theatre, letting Cassie run to the popcorn machine in the corner.

“No. The, uh, the team’s here, actually.”

There was a moment of silence.

Tony sighed.

“Well, bring them in, I guess.”

“Gee, thanks,” Peter said dryly.

“Mm. I am welcoming a bunch of scraggly teenage nerds into my personal theater, so.”

“And yet you let them into your workshop just fine.”

Tony gave Peter a look. Peter knew what it meant. Tony had let them into the workshop because he could show off Peter’s brilliance. Letting them into the theatre was letting them into their personal life. Into the scene of domesticity that no one associated with Tony Stark.

Peter gave him an apologetic look, crossing the room as the rest of the team hesitantly trickled in.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Peter murmured.

“Oh, no, kid, you don’t need to apologize. Are you comfortable with this? Give me the word and I’ll kick them back to the conference room.”

Peter shook his head, barely perceptible. “It’s fine. We’ve had movie nights together.” He grinned. “You underestimate the bond of a group of nerds.”

Tony rolled his eyes, but there was no real annoyance, just concern.

“Tony. I’m fine. Seriously.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

“Okay. Cool. I’ll take Cassie back to her dad, so you guys can sleep. No snogging your girlfriend in the back of the theater, you hear me?”

“Oh, fuck off,” Peter said, lightly shoving Tony.

He just laughed and left the room, grabbing Cassie and waving to the team.

“Keep it PG-13 in here, okay?” Tony said as he slipped out the door.

The team was left in silence.

“Make yourselves comfortable,” Peter called, settling on the couch in the back. It was his favorite one, the one that he and Tony had spent countless hours on, distracting themselves from the pain of the world by curling up and watching a movie, cocooning themselves in blankets and pretending that they weren’t filled with pain and loss. Pretended that they were just an ordinary parent and son, instead of being plagued with nightmares and turning to each other for solace.

Peter inhaled sharply, clearing his mind.

The team was spread throughout the couches, most claiming their own and seemingly waiting for Peter to tell them what to do.

“There’s popcorn and a selection of some candy in the back, if you want it. We also have access to...pretty much any movie, so anyone got any recommendations?”

“Barbie!” someone hollered, and there were a few murmurs of agreement.

“Barbie movies slap,” MJ said, and Peter nodded.

“Is the consensus Barbie movies?” he asked, and multiple people shot thumbs up his way.

“Alright, that was easy. Uh, Fri? Play a collection of Barbie movies for us.”

“Of course, Peter.” There was a hint of amusement in her tone, which never ceased to amaze Peter.

Barbie: A Fairy Secret started playing on the screen, and everyone got comfortable on the couches, settling in for the night.

“As much as I want to watch Barbie movies with you guys, I’m gonna go back home, so I’ll see you guys in the morning.”

Peter gave Grace a thumbs up, and watched as she left the theater. He returned to watching the movie, and was out in moments.

#rin's writing #peter parker's field trip to stark industries #shuri and peter #i love them so much #my idiot children

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cruisercrusher · 4 years

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i totally wanna hear what you have to say abt rebels!! personally im a big fan and ive never seen anyone specifically not like the show so im interested in ur thoughts !!

Ok please keep in mind I do not at all pretend to be unbiased because clone wars is my most favourite thing ever so every Star Wars thing ever gets compared to clone wars it’s like my thing

The core of why I’m not fond of rebels is because to me none of it felt impactful. I’ve actually watched I think 3 out of the 4 seasons, because my d*d made us all watch it as a “family” and imma be real with you chief. Years down the line I struggled to remember the main characters names. Almost none of it actually stuck with me in any meaningful way, someone will mention something that happened in an episode I did watch and I’ll be like damn i have no recollection???? But also like having gone back and taken a second and third look at the show I’ve gotten the impression that even within the show nothing has that much impact, maybe the last season is different idk but it feels very one note to me and at times shallow in the story telling. Nothing sticks, because the characters retain a degree of staticity throughout what I’ve seen, and Disney very clearly had a set formula laid out for how the episodes/arcs would go that left little room for the ballsy storytelling and character development we got from clone wars.

It’s a little disappointing because I think there were things in rebels that had a lot of potential, rebels as a whole had a lot of potential but Disney really put a stranglehold on Dave Filoni and the rest of the creative teams creative ability.

That being said, I really don’t like the animation either. Like, really don’t like it. I feel like it lacks depth and texture, and I don’t like a lot of the character designs, and the backgrounds are a little flat, and the way the characters move is weird to me. They’re just a tad too fluid and a touch too expressive that for me it reads as very uncanny valley, it actually took me out of it sometimes.

(Also the human skin tones all looked kinda off to me I was like I don’t think that’s the right undertone babes that’s too much yellow. Too much yellow babe)

As well as the fact that the animation stayed pretty much exactly the same throughout the series, and had none of the actual real innovation and groundbreaking animation that the clone wars had.

Going back to the story telling, and again, this is Disney’s fault, there were a lot of missed opportunities for them to go really hard. There were a lot of lessons in clone wars (like always question authority, and Capitalism Bad, and War is Futile, and sometimes the people who are supposed to be the good guys aren’t necessarily very good) that Disney is just straight up afraid of. Like clone wars really had a lot of more left leaning themes that is simply too much for the conservative, one percenter, trump supporting Disney executives and shareholders.

An example of this I feel would be when they introduced the clones. If I could have I would have done that arc very differently. And don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing grandpa Rex! But the way those episodes were executed felt a little. Dissatisfying? Maybe not quite disrespectful, but then again imo the story of the clones is THE MOST tragic one in all of Star Wars and those episodes had an element of levity to them that I don’t think fit. That arc could have been really deep and somber (and they could have done at least a little to acknowledge the rampant ptsd the clones must have, especially Wolffe who shot down his general and father figure against his will) yet the script didn’t really do those characters justice at all.

Also, I would have written Sabine’s character very differently. For one, I would have made her at least twenty, because with everything I know about it her it’s baffling that she’s supposedly only like sixteen. Makes zero sense. I don’t get it. Also I would make her a butch lesbian. Like a total mean dyke. We need more of those and I think Sabine could have mean dyke potential.

Now. The inquisitors. Dear lord. Again, could have been really cool, but tHOSE SPINNY LIGHTSABERS DRIVE ME INSANE HOW DO YOU FLY WITH THOSE IT SHDHJSJFJD FORGET THATS NOT HOW THE FORCE WORKS, THATS NOT HOW PHYSICS WORKS!!!!

Barbie life in the dream house had better animation because they were actually supposed to look plastic. Also, rebels yoda haunts my nightmares.

And I specifically don’t like Ahsoka’s character design either. I like her outfit but she looks less like Ahsoka to me and more like Ahsoka’s cousin. Her skull is a different shape. Why is it a different shape? Did she have jaw transplant surgery? Where is the consistency. We literally see an older version of Ahsoka during the mortis arc and she actually looks like herself (and looks really cool!) but Rebels Ahsoka looks nothing like that? I don’t understand. It makes my brain hurt to think about it

Alright, I’ve said a lot of negative things, so here’s a positive: I really appreciate Chopper. I just love chaotic astromech droids who feel nothing but unbridled bloodlust at all times. It is so funny. I appreciate him

And, bearing in mind I haven’t seen the whole episode (because I don’t want to) mostly just gift sets and clips, but the episode where Maul finally finds Obi-Wan on tatooine and they have their final duel?? Very cool concept, lots of potential, I just wish the lightsabers weren’t so SKINNY WHY ARE THEY SO SKINNYYYYYYY

I think that’s about everything? Barring the fact that for the longest damn time I thought none of the characters had fingernails because I mistook Ezra’s layered gloves for fingerless gloves and thought he didn’t have fingernails and that freaked me out? Yeah I think that’s about all my thoughts. I tried to have as little blantantly comparing to clone wars as I could because that’s not exactly fair, of course rebels was never going to be on the same level as clone wars. When it comes to well done cartoons I think it’s like. Way up at the top tier is Atla then clone wars in second place, and then literally everything else is wayyyy below it because that’s just how it is tbh. Anyways hope this satiated your curiosity!

#also i dont like jeb i think hes just annoying. like why is he here. literally what does he even DO what js his purpose other than to be #annoying. and ugly

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szopenhauer · 4 years

Text

Where do you put your keys when you get home? personal

Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? one from far away on the sand when I was on camp and second time it was just dead and not even whole anymore, I wanna touch a snake!

What’s your favourite movie from the 80s? can’t choose only one

Are you expecting any phone calls or emails? not really

Do you have any family that live in another country? no one close

Are there any words that you hate or make you cringe? sure

What is the best house you’ve ever lived in? I’ve lived in one house only unless I can count some I stayed for awhile like grandma’s apartment or aunt’s cottage

What movie reminds you of your childhood? many movies like Jumanji or Goonies

What was the last email you received? spam

Are you in any fb groups? I am

Whose house did you last visit? my gf’s

How many tabs do you have open right now? 5

What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? I procrastinate lots of stuff

What’s the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day? fb messanger/time

Would you date someone who still lived with their parents? I still live with my parents Do you think there is life on other planets? not those close to us

Would you enjoy a night of playing video games? maybe Do you dream of traveling the world or are you happy where you are? I’m not happy but I don’t want to travel Would you watch a porno with your partner? hmm... Have you ever stolen from your work? no Do you own any sex toys? I don’t How often do you use facebook at work? depends Would you date someone half your age? that would be illegal and I wouldn’t want to anyway Are you a romantic person? a little? Would you be okay with your partner hanging with their ex as friends? I probably wouldn’t be Do you have a current passport? never had a passport Is it more fun to go out just with your date or on a group date? just my date Have you had a relationship with someone of the same sex? as a lesbian Is marriage a necessity for two people who love each other? no but it’s nice Is there anything you think science will never be able to explain? possibly Is intoxication ever an acceptable excuse for acting stupid? if you can’t act normal then don’t drink, UGH! Do you litter? never Do you believe in fate or destiny? not sure Doing nothing all day makes you feel…? both good and bad Have you ever had sex with someone you worked with? I have not Would you date someone just for the sex? noooo Do you consider yourself a positive person? pfft Are Sex and Intimacy the same thing? sex is to intimacy like square to rectangles How often do you get angry? I’m like Bruce Banner Have you had cosmetic surgery? I haven’t On a first date do you pay or do they? split Do you only date people who have jobs or are full-time students? I don’t care what they do in life (school, job or nothing) if we don’t live together, I’m unemployed myself Could you date someone who does drugs? doubt it Do you enjoy watching sports? nah Would you do a striptease for your partner? umm... Would you date someone who doesn’t have a car? sure, I don’t even own one You have a week off, travel or stay home? home <3 Does spending the weekend at home annoy you? noooo Do you consider yourself open minded? nah Do others find you sexy? r u kidding?... Have you ever met someone in person you met online? I have Do you tell your friends you love them? nope, just family and partner

Do your siblings dye their hair? sometimes Who can you best relate to in the last book you read? partially to Will, Stella and Poe Are you indecisive? it’s hard for me to make a decision but I am not changing my mind like wind blows

What are you listening to? Lana Del Rey What are you doing tomorrow? we’ll see What was the last compliment someone gave you? not sure which was last Do you have a big family? no but it’s still to big for me :x Which one of your senses would you miss the most if you lost it? sight, then hearing

What’s your opinion on prostitution? Should it be legal and regulated, or is it something that needs to be gotten rid of completely? it should be illegal If you want (or don’t want) kids, is this something you’ve always known or have you changed your mind as you’ve grown up? I wanted kids at first because I played dolls and didn’t know anything about pregnancy or taking care of real children, I just thought it’s normal everyone have them at some point and that’s all but once I found out more about the subject I realized it’s not for me because of many reasons

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? yup Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? she wasn’t in my life at the time What’s the first word of the last text message you received? ok was the whole message XD

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I’m gonna die, if I won’t fall asleep I’ll explode, I feel so bad Are you okay right now? am I ever?... When was the last time you saw your mom? we’re home together What is the last thing you drank today? just going to drink some water in the kitchen Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? hope not What are you listening to right now? Cigarettes after sex Last time you had a sleepover? ages ago If the last person you dated said they were in love with you, what would you say? I know she does, she was telling me that already Do you replay things that have happened in your head? overthinking for life If you could get paid to do anything in the world, what would you do? sitting in front of the computer Do your parents actually knock on your door before entering your room or just barge right in, instead? my dad knocks, my mom barges in What would you do if it snowed right now? ...

Are you more of a leader or a follower? loner

Would you say you’ve had a good life so far? no comment What’s something you wish you could have delivered to your house? regularly or right now? What’s your favorite art style? surrealism? Are any of your coworkers currently out on maternity/paternity leave? I don’t have coworkers now Do you have a good sense of balance? it’s hard to say Do you live in a very racially and culturally diverse country? no Do you live alone? I wish

Have you done something recently that helped someone else, in any way? nothing big If you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them? depends

Who was the last person to pay you a compliment? my gf The shirt you’re wearinh - is it one of your favourites? yep Is there a certain name that you think seems to have become really popular, and you know lots of people with that same name? growing up Ewelina, Julia, Emilia, Katarzyna, Urszula, Małgorzata and Michał were the most popular names Before Facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site? yup Have you ever asked anyone “Do you love me?” If so, did you get the response you wanted? Do you think when someone says “I love you”, you feel obliged to say it back? yes, usually and kinda If you’ve had a bad experience in a past relationship, did you find that you were scared to get into another relationship, in case the same thing happened again? that’s normal Are you friends with the last person you hugged, or something more? we’re related Do you ever post song lyrics as your Facebook status? sometimes Do you drink alcohol on a regular basis, or do you prefer to save it for special occasions? I don’t drink even on special occassions Did you play with Barbies when you were a kid, or did you prefer something else? I played with Barbies but not only them If you were going to buy a present for the person you love/like, what would you generally choose? what she likes/wants/needs :) If I’m going to buy you a box of chocolates, which kind should I definitely NOT get? don’t buy me any Is there something you generally always ask for help with? I need help with many things :( Has anyone called you beautiful today? no, I’m not so that would be a lie

Who was the last person to see you cry? my mother

Do you drink bottled water? sometimes

You never know what you have until it’s gone. True or false? kinda true

Are you scared of losing the person you like to someone else? if they were happy with someone else - let that happen, I’ll be fine alone

Will you be in bed in the next 20 minutes? too early to sleep

Do you laugh at inappropriate times? rarely

How many bracelets do you have on right now? zero

Do you have someone you have late night conversations with? I do

What does your phone do when it receives a text? vibrates

What is in your pocket? no pockets!

Can you remember the last person you texted without looking? my sister

Do you listen to music everyday? almost

Are you gonna be home alone tonight? I won’t be alone

If there was a large spider in your room, would you stay in the room? how big?

Are you a flirty person? maybe The last store you went to was…? local

Do you have a friend named Alex? used to What did you think of the movie Juno? I have mixed feelings about it How often do you eat meat? often Have you ever gotten clothes from the kids section as an adult? I have :x Are you more of a science/math person or english/history person? I’m artsy When you were little, would you have rather watched Cartoon Network or Disney Channel? we didn’t have such expensive channels Since using the internet regularly, have you started to read less than you used to? I read less not because of internet Are you a big fan of the Harry Potter series? nah Do you find yourself feeling lazier when the weather is warm? I feel lazier when the weather is cold because I don’t wanna leave my bed or home at least Are you a fan of the TV show Friends? watched fragments and I like Chandler and Phoebe - I think they would be great together, I’m a bit like them How old do you think is too old to sleep with a stuffed animal? never Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? I’m not How many tattoos would you like to have? I don’t plan any Are you over the age of 25? I am Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever? omg! I want my life to get better :( Would you rather live without music or without the t.v? without TV

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medi-melancholy · 5 years

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i’ve been really coming to terms the past few months about my relationship with gender identity and i want to put some of my thoughts on paper. this is is very steam of consciousness so it’ll probably be repetitive or incoherent, but i want to talk about it openly. I PROMISE I’M OK LMAO i just wanna chat to myself

anyone who knows me knows i love dolls. hell, i’m dollkin, of course. and a big part of why i identify with dolls so much is because of physical reasons. a doll can be physically neutral without any sexual characteristics, yet perceived as leaning more towards a certain gender based on how they’re dressed. a ‘girl’ doll may wear dresses and bows and such, but has no true physical gender. if that ‘girl’ doll wanted to, they could be dressed more like a ‘boy’, or stay completely neutral perception-wise. hell, they could wear dresses and bows and skirts and be identified as a boy or as having no gender, in spite of traditionally ‘feminine’ clothing.

i LOVE that. that’s like... an ideal situation to me.

i think another reason i identify so much with the lack of physical gender/sexual traits the vast majority of dolls possess is because i’m asexual and quite sex-repulsed. the thought of ever being around a naked person makes me sick, because i just reeeally don’t want to see any of those parts. i don’t even like seeing my own parts most of the time. i just want to be... nothing.

a lot of my hatred for parts of my body likely relates to my struggles with disordered eating and chronic illness, but that’s an issue for another time.

i would love to have the ability to be neutrally gendered by default. i technically can be if i want to! but because i have ‘female’ physical characteristics, people will pretty much always automatically assume that i am female. i understand it’s an issue to say something like... “having a chest and hips = female!” because that’s absolutely not true, i understand that. but to someone who desires to fit society’s view of what is female, having those characteristics is valuable. yknow?? so it’s not like... an entirely bad concept, if it helps someone be more comfortable and happy with who they are.

by that same token, i bind (safely!) every now and then because i want to be lacking in those physical characteristics, and therefore hopefully perceived as more neutral. hell, i’ve crossdressed before and presented as male for historical reenactment purposes, and i LOVE IT. i love having the freedom to control my gender. it feels so good.

it was easier when i was younger, when i wasn’t curvy. when i kept my hair very short due to abuse, and could easily pass as ‘male’.

these days i spend a lot of time dressed as a stormtrooper or a tie fighter pilot, neutral costumes with helmets with conceal my gender. i cherish the moments i have in those sorts of costumes, largely in part because in those moments it’s not my gender that matters but instead the children i bring joy to, but i digress. there’s certainly a theme with my feelings, though.

i end up feeling most comfortable cosplaying characters of unconventional gender presentation, i’ve noticed.

i had my phase around middle school where i hated the color pink, i hated traditionally feminine things, i never wore skirts or dresses, i wanted the color blue, i wanted pants. i felt weird and out of place trying to fit into ‘girly’ roles. it’s weird to think i was ever in that place, considering my interests now, but it sure did happen. i think a lot of this time might relate to me coming to terms with my sexuality--being asexual, and the struggles of having sexual characteristics--and also realizing i really REALLY like girls. my subconscious thought process might’ve been something like, “boys like girls, and i like girls, so maybe i should be more like a boy?”

i grew up, thank god, in a household that didn’t force me into playing house, playing with dolls, all that stuff. i was welcome to play with whatever toys i wanted, watch whatever shows appealed to me, listen to whatever music i liked. so, i had both barbies and transformers, i had bratz and star wars, i had a mix of ‘girly’ and ‘boyish’ music and movies i enjoyed. i was certainly bullied for this, harshly so, but i’m eternally thankful that my parents have been accepting of me ever since day 1.

for many years i’ve had trouble identifying with being afab, with being a girl, because of my body. i have a hormone imbalance of some sort that does fucked up things to my mind and body, and i suspect i have some sort of issue with, well, the girly internal hardware too, but i’ve been horrified to go to a specialist about that sort of thing because i HATE talking about... those parts, it’s making me feel sick right now. i don’t want anyone looking around down there, EVER.

anyways, my hair grows in absurdly fast and absurdly thick, everywhere, even before i felt pressured to start shaving as a kid. my legs, arms, pits,eyebrows, just everywhere. even my face, i do have to shave my face. it’s... invalidating, i guess, of my supposed ‘womanhood’, so i find myself having trouble calling myself a real girl. i know hair is a natural thing, and i NEVER ever judge other people for it, but i do judge myself.

i’ve often described my feelings as... i want to be a girl, i know on some level that i am a girl. but i’m physically NOT a girl, and i only want to strive for feminine physical traits in some ways, not in others.

it’s a very weird, depersonalizing feeling, considering i’m afab.

there’s also the fact i’m like 6 feet tall, that’s certainly not a ‘girl’ trait. “no one will dance with a tall girl”, the saying goes. i’m leggy and gangly and weird. and somehow curvy at the same time. i look like a joke lol

i wanna mention that i had a phase in high school where if any of my friends asked me what my gender was, i’d just pull up a clip of a la cucaracha horn. that’s still such a huge mood.

ever since i was a kid, i’ve found myself drawn to characters who are androgynous or don’t conform to typical gender presentation, and i’ve never really known why. i figured, maybe that’s my idea of beauty or something? i hate to word it like this but i like... really found myself attached to male characters that presented femininely, or dressed as such, or wear lots of makeup, and i still feel that way? that just feels so safe, so comfortable, so real to me. that’s reflected in my IDs/kintypes too, i really really relate to gender neutral characters, or characters who are ‘supposed to’ be masculine but are feminine instead, or any combination, just... nontypical displays of gender.

it feels so suitable to what i want in life, i think. the same feeling i want to achieve.

funny that pretty much every single character i identify with is a doll/puppet or related to them in some way, too, huh? it all sorta connects, i guess. i value the nonhuman trait of having no definitive physical gender, i guess?

i’ve had people suggest to me before that i’m a demigirl, maybe, but that never felt right. i’ve had people say “hey, sounds like you’re nonbinary” but i just... don’t feel right with that term? just for me personally.

it’s almost like i don’t want to label my gender. it feels so vague, so indistinguishable.

girl a little bit to the left. girl flavored la croix. the tape outline of a corpse at a crime scene, and the corpse happened to be a girl. hint of hint of girl. i don’t feel that all the time, though. sometimes i just feel.. an absence of gender. no gender but with vaguely feminine traits.

at the same time, i worry myself about identifying as a lesbian. i’m only interested in dating people who identify as female, that’s who i end up attracted to. i want a girlfriend, i want a wife.

but if i’m not entirely a girl myself, can i still call myself a lesbian?

well, i’ve never judged or policed other people, so why the fuck am i judging myself? we really are our own worst critics.

anyways, within my close circle of friend-family, i’ve been going by they/them for a while and also neutral terms, for the most part. it feels good, it feels comfortable. it’s not something i’m gonna want 24/7, but sometimes that’s how i’m feeling so that’s the terminology i should use. makes sense, feels good.

i can still be a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend. but i can be a sibling, a datefriend, too. i can use she/her and they/them at the same time, or whenever i’m feeling one over the other

the closest word i’ve found for how i feel is gender nonconforming, but i still don’t want to put a label on myself in this case.

i just wanted to get this off my chest. or... get my chest off. it’s complicated.

you can call me sarah, you can call me medi, you can call me a person who is a girl, a person who’s sort of a girl but sorta not. i dunno. i’m just me.

i thought i had all my identify stuff figured out but these past few months have been Whew

shoutout to my friends for always being so supportive and loving, yall are the best.

and uhhhhhh thanks for reading, sorry for getting so real all of a sudden.

this may have been brought on because i have a new doll kintype whose gender is a fuck and i was like shit, that’s me, huh!

#long post #it me #it sure is me huh #uhhh tw for lots of gender talk i guess idk #nothing upsetting i don't think. just talking about [vaguely gestures at self] All This #OH and maybe like the post if you read it. if that's ok!! i just wanna know who's like... in the know about stuff. if that's alright

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wingwaver · 5 years

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I wanna take a minute to talk about how I feel when it comes to my own gender and sexuality. I'm not to great at explaining things though so bare with me I guess.

I guess I'll start off with the fact that, even a child, I always hated having a vagina and when I found out that "boys" were born with something different I was envious. It especially got worse when I started getting my period around 10 years old and was told that "boys" don't have to go through that (I know now that that's false of course because trans boys and men have periods) so when I was kid I HATED being a girl and had often wished that I had been born a boy instead.

When I was little I refused to wear dresses, or like anything considered too girly. I was considered a "tomboy" and loved baggy boys clothes and things considered "boys things" instead of "girl things" (save for BRATZ, Polly Pocket, and Barbie I fuckin loved those).

I would often get mistaken for a boy and get called "he" and while some didn't notice the "mistake" at first someone would always point out "no she's a girl". Getting called "he" never felt insulting though, it felt good. I didn't (and still don't) mind being called "she" but "he" never made me feel bad. It was everyone else that made a big deal about it and I never understood why.

Some could say a lot of that was internalized sexism (and yeah I'll admit some of it was). Just a few years ago I finally started embracing my femininity, I actually started liking wearing dresses and skirts and now love the color pink and I like wearing revealing clothes from time to time. And for a while I was content that way, but then people expected me to be feminine all the time and the magic of finally being a girl/woman wore off.

But now I feel good doing both. I'll dress "feminine" some days and "masculine" some days or a lil mix of both. And yeah, everyone can do that because clothes don't actually have gender but it feels good to finally be able to have a "middle ground" and realize that I don't have to be seen as "just" a woman or man.

Now, I didn't learn about non binary genders or the fact that you could use other pronouns or even more than one set of pronouns until a few years ago as an adult because I grew up in one of those kind of Christian homes (you know, where gay and trans people are the boogeyman). I had no idea that agender (which is how I feel most of the time) or genderfluid were terms to describe oneself with. And honestly, I'm not sure I'd wanted to learn it sooner because of the home I grew up in but I am so glad I know about them now because I know they're good terms to describe how I feel about my gender.

While I do still sometimes wish I had been born with a penis I don't always feel like a man. Nor do I always feel like a woman. Sometimes I'll feel like I'm one or the other but most of the time I'm just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ when it comes to my gender.

Now as for the topic of dysphoria, I still get a little confused when it comes to the term but I'm pretty sure I feel it. I don't hate my boobs but I do get jealous that cis men can just walk around shirtless whenever and sometimes I do wish my chest was flat sometimes but honestly I couldn't care less whether they stay or go, but I still HATE having a vagina! Personally, if it were possible, I'd rather have no genitalia at all, and it makes me sad that my body has to have one or the other (or both but I don't think anyone has ever had surgery to have both??? I know people can be born with both though). My vagina causes me a lot of distress and I think I may someday end up getting surgery to have a penis instead. It's up to future me to figure that out and make the step though cause I'm not in a place safe enough to come out or have the surgery yet.

Now for my sexuality. I'm asexual. I know this as a fact because I'm not interested in people the same way most others are. I use the split attraction model but it still feels off sometimes when describing romantic attraction because I'm still unsure if I feel any form of attraction to real people. Right now I base my romantic attraction on fictional crushes and I've been attracted to characters of all genders. When it comes to real people I can say that I do find women and non-binary people more appealing than men, and in fiction I'm usually attracted to more men, so for now I go by Bi-romantic.

I also want to state that, yes, I am sex-repulsed, but it has nothing to do with me being asexual. Me being asexual just means that I don't feel sexual attraction. In fact sex-repulsion has nothing to do with asexuality at all. Plenty of people are repulsed by sex no matter who they are or aren't attracted to. Some lesbians are sex-repulsed, some bi people are, some gay men are, some pan people are, even some straight people are. Sex-repulsion has nothing to do with who you're attracted to it had to do with how you feel about sex and people can be sex-repulsed for a number of reasons.

For me, personally, I'm pretty sure mine has to do with dysphoria and how society depicts sex. When I found out about sex as a teen I was curious but ultimately decided that wasn't ever for me. When society tends to describe sex to people with vaginas they say that sex will hurt the first time and that it'll hurt sometimes after that but ultimately leads to pleasure. NO THANKS. I know now, after listening to people who have had it, that that isn't true. Sure it will hurt for some people (there's even a thing some people have where sex will always hurt I forgot the disease name though) but if you are doing it right there won't be any pain. Still, the damage is...kinda done with me. Me not wanting a vagina to begin with coupled with mainstream society's explanations on vaginal sex has made me deathly afraid of having anything in my vagina, I can't even use tampons, the thought of it nearly gives me a panic attack and I internally flipped out when my doctor suggested a pap smear (thankfully he said it was ultimately my decision to have or not have one since I'm not sexually active, though I do think I'm gonna try to because I know it's super important).

I also think that some abuse I've been through factors into my feelings towards sex but that's a whole other can of worms for different day.

And before I end this already too long post I'd like to bring up names. I have always hated the name my parents gave me but everytime I brought it up everyone was like "it's a pretty name though!" and fine if you think that whatever but it's never felt like MY name, it's never felt like ME. I don't mind the nickname that came from it (Liss) because it feels like a different name all together to me so I prefer when my family and other people use it over my full first name. I also really like the name Elias, or Lias for a nickname, they feel more natural to me and like they describe me (does that make sense???), and they make me feel like the person is actually referring to the real me so once I get the chance I'll probably change my legal name to Elias someday.

Anyway I'm gonna stop here because this became longer than I thought it'd be but I felt like I needed to get some of this out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#lias talks #oh? lore?#yes that is just my personal tag now #would kinda prefer this not be reblogged since it's more of a personal post about me I guess #long post #long post for mobile #nws #I guess? I mean I do talk about nws things in this post so the tag stays #nws text

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kpop-probably · 5 years

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Round 8: Semi- finals

AN: This one is a little long so I put the keep reading thing on it. Its 1,875 words.

iKon 8th member AU

July 2016

The excitement was high backstage. The remaining six contestants will have solo performances with a special guest performers. All of them matched-up to go against another contestant. The contestant who earned the most amount of money during their match-up will advance to the final round, while the other gets eliminated. Making it this far should be accomplishment enough but for Asuka it isn't. She wants to show everyone, especially her female fans, that she can win it. The fans didn't approve of her in the beginning and wouldn't include her in the fan chants but since the show has started they have sent her nothing but love and she's even received some fan mail.

Asuka Pov

I'm sitting in the room for my team putting some finishing touches on my verses. I have a surprise guest tonight to feature on my song. I get up to go find Joon-Kyung oppa to get some feedback on what I wrote but when I open the door Xitsuh is standing outside of it. “Did you need something?” I start to look around to find any excuse to run away because the whole pretending someone called my name thing I usually do with YoYo whenever he tries to make really bad jokes, simply won't work in this situation because alas there isn't anyone in the hallway with us, just my luck. “I just learned that I'm going against you tonight and came to wish you luck.” But before I can thank him he continues speaking. “Hopefully whatever rhymes you have in your hand there are better than your little boyfriends disses.” He smirks and walks away before I can make any type of comeback. Things like this are what make me hellbent on winning, the men here are so misogynistic and egotistical I often wonder how they're gonna take it when a woman knocks them off of that pedestal. I roll my eyes and turn around to continue on my journey in finding the man I need. But once again i'm stopped when I see a familiar figure wearing my favorite hat on him. “Jae won?” he turns around at the sound of my voice and smiles “Nuna just the woman I was looking for.” I smile shyly “It seems like i'm a woman in high demand today.” He raises an eyebrow at my confession. “Xitsuh came to the room and just wanted to trash talk.” “Well what’d he say?” “He came and said he wanted to wish me luck, but then turned around and said he hopes I wrote something good tonight, then proceeded to call you my “Boyfriend.” I don't take much notice to how he stiffens at the mention of me being chastised about our relationship or whatever this is. “So… Boyfriend huh?” I roll my eyes which also seems to be popular tonight and walk away before he grabs my arm and pulls me back into his chest. “You shouldn't walk away from your boyfriend nuna it's rude.” “I don't believe you've actually asked me to be your girlfriend mister.”

Jae won POV

“I don't believe you've actually asked me to be your girlfriend mister.” I freeze up again and the box in my back pocket feels heavier than before. I went and got her a gift to make asking this a little less awkward. “Actually that's why I was looking for you.” She turns around a little and tilts her head at me, I can tell she's trying to act casual but her wide eyes are a dead give away of her nerves. Her eyes -- they always giver her away, she's really bad at concealing her feelings, all you have to do is look into those beautiful brown eyes of hers. I reach into my back pocket. “Turn around, close your eyes, and move your hair for me please.” she hesitates but moves her hair off her neck anyway. I take a breath and pull the necklace from the box and slide it around her neck and fasten it. “Ok open.” she looks down at it and looks back up at me. “I know we've only known each other for about 7 months, but there's just something about you. I can't even lie, you stay on my mind a lot. Whenever I see you I get lost in you all the damn time. I know it's quick but i'd like to take you on a date if you'll let me?” She smiles real big and shakes her head really fast and I can't help but laugh at how cute she is. But before we get to enjoy our little moment Joon-Kyung hyung comes up smirking knowingly “I'd hate to break up this little moment lovebirds but Ms Asuka you're up kid.” with that he walks away “Damnit I didn't even get him to look over my verses.” I turn to her and notice she's nervous again. I grab her shoulders to grab her attention. “No matter what you have written down I know you're gonna kill it.” She smiles and hears her name getting called so she starts jogging away but does a U turn and I get confused “Did yo-” I'm cut off by her smashing her lips into mine and running off again.

Asuka POV I smile glad to know that he's here to support me and that the boys are somewhere watching me. The beat i'm doing my first verse on to get the crowd hype, starts playing and I take that as my cue to walk out and start rapping

Bobby called said let me get the car key, you don't want it with the Osaka Barbie, keep marquis, everything sparkly (man down) hit em on a walkie talkie. Hit em, knock knock tell em let me in. my name ring bells, bitch buzz me in, and I only stop for pedestrians or real real bad lesbians. Hit em with the mac hit em with the tec 9 hit em with the rugger by the intersex line put my whole burrough on my back and i'm gooda i don't wanna hear what you would, what you coulda I represent all the girls that stood up, used to drink water with a little bit of sugar now i'm in the gym with my squats and my sit ups young japan pin up, i'm that bitch yea I been up now i'm tellin YG to step his bid up!

The crowd gets hype and before I start my actual song i notice i already have $2,000 on the board. The lights get darker and my second beat starts and I take a deep breath and start rapping again

Better move, better make a better move, Better run quick, hide, 'cause see me I never lose Better shoot, take a shot better shoot, I’ma get what's mine, get the product and the loot, better grind, Tell me where I've gotta go and get it, tell me what I gotta do, I gotta get the benefits and look around, tell me what I gotta go against, Tryna show me who can stop me, I’ma show you I'ma win, 'Cause I am the queen, I am what they want, I have something that cannot be bought, I am the queen, yes I am a boss, I'm in command, I take no days off

Before the hook can start my special guest comes out and the crowd goes even more nuts when the doors open and Jooheon steps out. He starts rapping his part and I look out into the crowd and notice their shocked faces. Everyone most likely thought I would pull some strings and bring someone from YG like G dragon who I haven't even met yet, Mino, Joon oppa thought I'd bring Jae won back, or maybe even one of the boys but I wanted to go out of the box and out of YG so I called up Jooheon, who I met at an awards show a few months ago even though i've been a fan of his for awhile, I was ecstatic when he said yes. While he's rapping I go out into the crowd and they get even louder.

You don’t gotta watch that throne 'cause it's mine, Give that crown 'cause it been my time, There ain’t never be another quite like I, cause if crime pays them i'm bout that life, where? Tell where the queens is at?, independent women that don't need a king for that, 'Cause I am the queen, I am what they want, I have something that cannot be bought, I am the queen, yes I am a boss, I'm in command, I take no days off

When the song ends and I look up at the board I notice that I earned $6,780,000, which is 3x what Xitsuh made which means i'm going to the finals and his ass is going home! I run to Jooheon and thank him for coming and performing with me and as we walk backstage he says “Anytime, anything for my big sister” and he smiles. As soon as I step foot off stage I'm bombarded with hugs and and Joon kyung even goes as far as putting me onto his shoulder. “You did fucking amazing!! See whatd I tell you the rap barbie got this in the bag.” He's become keen on calling me the “rap barbie” because he says my face and personality dont match my style of rapping. I smile but see Jae standing against a wall waiting patiently for me to be done. I excuse myself and walk over to him. “See what happens when you have confidence in yourself?” I blush but thank him anyway. He leans in and kisses my forehead and says “I have to go i'm supposed to be in the studio right now, I snuck out to see you and if I don't get back now my manager is gonna have my ass on a plate.” I laugh and thank him for coming but before he walks away we hear someone gasping and I turn around and my jaw drops when I notice that Bobby is standing just a few feet away in what looks like...my jacket? I run up and jump into his arms and wrap my legs around him and hug until he can't breathe. “Nuna.. as much as I love your hugs i'd like to live to see you make it to the finals so please let go.” “What are you doing here? And who said you could wear my jacket?” I let him go and he looks back at Jae then back at me and raises his eyebrow. “Shouldn't I be the one asking the questions?” before I could answer Jae comes and wraps his arm around my waist. “I asked her out on a date if that's alright with you.” Jae knows how much I love Bobby and how close we are so I smile hearing that he cares about his opinion. Bobby smiles that goofy smile of his and I laugh.

“Of course it's alright i'm glad you finally did it, you guys were starting to make me sick.”

Authors note: This one is a little long but im happy with it and hope everyone likes it!! I've never been in a relationship myself so im sorry if Jae and Asuka are cringy but I love them!

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lil-avatar · 6 years

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The twentygayflexfitteen vibe is strong (AKA Korra fitness post #7)

Okay soooooo

Ive been going to dance classes for a while now. I hadn’t danced in about 4 years professionally so like I was kind of nervous? But dance classes have changed a lot since then. This place is super casual and friendly, it’s almost like another fit fam, we get together, learn some stuff, perform - it’s really rad.

Basicalllllly the lesson began, and a bunch of us are learning the Curious dance from the Hayley Kiyoko music video - you want good cardio check that out, it’s fun as heck and dancing is great for learning to manage breathing while using all your muscles.

Anyway this girl in my class, I have a huge crush on her. She’s freaking perfect, just like “hoo Lordy I’m getting the sapphic vapors” kind of girl. We joke around a lot and there’s a lot of like yknow arm touching and kind of cuddles (hard to snuggle up when you’re both sweaty as hell) buttttt the useless lesbian stereotype rings true. We weren’t doing shit about it (I know you guys would be like slapping my face like MAKE A MOVE DUMMY)

So we did our Hayley Kiyoko thang which is great (and I kind of want the whole fitness fam to have a go?? @thewillowtree3 do it lol)

BUT here’s where it gets wild.

So basically every other week we get assigned a dance style, yknow hip hop, jazz, modern, etc but we have to keep it a secret. I dunno why, but it makes it so much more fun. Well this week I had been given... magic mike. JESUS CHRIST I thought, I wasn’t nervous for the dance itself - I used to do this kind of dance all the time. I was nervous simply because she was there. She was gonna see my moves and well...

I’m really fucking stubborn at challenges. If I was gonna go down, it was gonna be in a huge display of fireworks and gay. No shame baby.

So yesterday was the big day. I had my song picked (Pony by Ginuwine because Project Voicebend amirite) we had cooled down after Curious and how it works is the DJ will start playing someone’s song - we will all be on the outside of the performance space waiting. No one knows who’s turn it is. It makes it fun when you hear a song like “Barbie Girl” and a hulking 6’6” dude leaps forward and werks. (A real thing that happened)

So we’re all standing and like 3-4 songs later Pony starts. I’m standing next to my girl and she goes “oh my god it’s Magic Mike’s turn” and I laugh and shrug, looking around - pretending it’s not me.

Finally the moment comes.

I start walking forward, but like yknow... A magic Mike walk, slow and deliberate, peeling off my jacket. She was behind me but I heard an audible “NO WAY”.

So I started, I really just fucking went for it. I’m talking crawling on the floor, hair flips, splits. One thing you probably all know about me is I’m a huge ham, it’s even worse on stage. NO SHAME BABY.

So the whole time I was kind of deliberately interacting with other dance members, ignoring the cutest girl in the room was hard as heck. I glanced over once and saw her biting her finger so yknow, seemed to be going well lollll

Finally I’m towards the end of my number, time for the big guns. I grab a chair from the wall and slam it down. Time to make a move or die trying.

I walked towards my girl (still totally in character mind you) and took her hand. God damn it was warm, she was like radiating heat. ‘Good sign?’ I had hoped

Here goes nothing, I lightly pushed her into the chair, she kind of fell into it like a rag doll lol, like she was just completely dazed. But her eyes didn’t leave mine. At least they didn’t until I lifted my leg up on her shoulder and basically did a split across her body. Yknow, it’s super casual, this is normal, this is casual.

If I said remembered every detail from there I’d be lying. I remember her rosy cheeks, I remembered telling myself to stop looking at her lips and focus.

Funnily enough I just kind of improved at the end. I don’t remember how but at some point I ended up in her lap facing her, arms linked around her neck and shoulders. She was breathing heavy and I joked “bitch I’m the one doing all the work”

The sond ended and even though I REALLY wanted to, I didn’t kiss her. I don’t want to push it yknow? I’d want her to be totally cool with it, so I wasn’t gonna be like “hey kiss me in front of all these people lol”

I was kind of swarmed by my guy friends at the end and she was swarmed by the girls. By the time I separated from the cluster of hi fives and hair ruffles the next song had started.

Once a song has started you can’t move from your spot, so I spent the next 3 minutes in agony waiting, we’d meet each other’s gaze and kind of awkwardly smirk like “holy shit I just grinded on you didn’t I”

So the song ended and I shuffled over, we kind of laughed and didn’t know what to say? It was like we’d open our mouths and only quiet breathy giggles would come out. Eventually I just put my arm around her and we enjoyed the rest of the dances. (Well pretended to enjoy, I was just focused on the way her body heat radiated into my arm as well as trying not to just like pass out because I was riding this crazy adrenaline high)

Anyway class ended, we kind of lingered back so I could walk her alone to her car. Again we still hadn’t spoke but it wasn’t uncomfortable silence. I know I had a stupid grin and it got worse when she grabbed my hand. I thought my face would explode.

She packed her stuff and closed her car door, opened the drivers side and turned to face me. More giggles and blushing.

I finally got the guts (and got my tongue to work) and asked if I could kiss her. She bit her lip and as I was about to say “it’s okay if not, I figured I’d just ask first” she shut me up real quick by ... well yknow.

I unfortunately can’t post a video because a) I don’t have permission of this awesome girl, and b) I don’t want any one finding my blog lol.

I gotta go to work now but holy cow - #twentygayflexfitteen is real. I wouldn’t have ANY confidence to do this if not for my fit fam. All I can say is - just go for it my little useless lesbians. Be brave, do something stupid and wild that makes you laugh. Be the real you. The gay will follow.

There you go @somonebeatmetoit I did it ❤️✨🌈

#korra fitness #be like korra #twentyfitteen #motivation #get fit like korra #korra #fitness #twentygayteen #twentygayflexfitteen #twentygayfitteen #fit like korra #fitness journey #korra fitness fam #korra fit fam

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smokeybrand · 3 years

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Critical Hit Zone

Story time! I knew a guy who thought the clitoris was a myth and literally refused to believe otherwise whenever anyone tried to actually, you know, help him please his women. We worked together when i was at Best Buy in Houston. He was ridiculous. He would press his ties for work. Bro wasn't even a manager, just a Blue Shirt! I technically had a higher position than he did! We used to talk about sh*t and he'd be incredibly informed about said topic, like, encyclopedic. Other times, not so much. Dude could murder you on Jeopardy but completely tank your team in trivia pursuit. He was incredibly book smart but had next to know common sense, no mental flexibility. I thought, for sure, he was on the spectrum but i would find out later that he was just very, very, VERY, sheltered. One day we got on the subject of women and how to "keep them happy." Obviously, every person has their own system but, i guarantee, you're incorporating that go button into your plans at some point. I mean, if you're doing it right anyways.

So it finally comes up in the conversation and he's like, "Those aren't real." Obviously we just laugh that sh*t off but he pushes, "I'm serious. The Clitoris is a myth." So the rest of us stop. Dead silence. Bro is dying so i toss him a life line. "You mean the g-spot? Those can be tricky to find if you don't who where to feel." This motherf*cker spits in my face! "No, i mean the clitoris. It doesn't exists. My girlfriend doesn't have one so it can't be real." Bro, i cannot tell you how hard we laughed in this dude's face. After three straight minutes of the deepest belly laughter you've ever heard, one of the other dudes asked if he's ever seen lesbian porn. Professional lesbo porn is very clit focused. He says he's never seen a porn in his life! Cue another round of belly laughter and then just intense sorrow for whatever woman he beds. And there is one. i met her. A few weeks later, his girlfriend comes in.

She's your typical, bottle blonde, blue eyed, cowboy boot wearing, Texas stereotype. She's a cute girl but not really my flavor. She comes to the TV section, where i worked, and buys a new fifty inch. I recommended the Samsung because they made the best LCD TVs back then but she opts for a Sony Plasma. She took that one because the blacks were richer. Chick knew her sh*t. So i ring her up and give her the total and she says "Oh, wait. My boyfriend is going to use his discount can you call dude?" I'm like, "Yes the f*ck i can!" Now, you have to understand, bro is one of the squarest dudes i have ever met in my entire f*cking life. This chick was not. She was the prom queen. The trophy wife. She was completely out of dude's league. Think Droopy shacking up with Malibu Barbie and you'll get a pretty decent image of what i saw. He comes over and i ring the TV out under his employee number. She kisses his cheek and he bounds off. I. AM. THE. SHOOKETH. Confirmation of opposites attract. How the f*ck did he pull this chick and can't f*ck? Literally doesn't believe the clitoris exists!

My partner and i, one of the other dudes present during the infamous conversation, pull this chick's TV and wheel it out front to be loaded in her car. I tell him who the customer is and he's like, "Bro you gotta ask!" I act like i wasn't going to, that it was rude, but if you know me, you know i was gonna. I had already made up my mind when she asked me to call bro over for the discount. So we load her TV up, she thanks us, and offers a tip. Sometimes, people are legit that way but i turn it down. Instead, i asked her to answer a question for me: "Yo, does your dude really think the clitoris is fake?" Boy, let me tell you, if looks could kill, I'd have died nine times that day! That was all the confirmation we needed but then she starts talking. "Yeah, it is very true. He has no idea about lady parts whatsoever and refuses to even learn."

My partner is trying to hold it together but me? Call me Calvin Candy because she had both my curiosity and my attention! How does he drive off with no warm up you might ask? Bro keeps the lube on him. Greases up then hits the slip-n-slide, no wetness required. What does he think the clitoris is if not a clitoris? I have no idea. She didn't say and, as much as i wanted to ask, i didn't want to interrupt this geyser of information spewing forth. She goes on to inform us that there is no foreplay, no appetizer before the meal, no exploration or experimentation, just missionary under the covers with the lights off. To his credit, bro had a bit of stamina and could go like that for a while, not sure what that means because she didn't specify, but she did say it was just like slamming a wooden peg into a round hole for her. She was violently unfulfilled in the sack. Bro was giving Ben Shapiro a run for his money with how intuitive a lover he was.

This chick unloaded on dude's terrible dick game for, like, ten full minutes. Me and my partner just stood there, wide eyed, learning SO much about how this cat can't f*ck. It was ridiculous and we just felt sorry for him by the time she took a breath. So i ask her point blank, "If he sucks dick at f*cking pussy, and this is obviously a strong point of contention for you, why stay?" Apparently, bro is the most solid motherf*cker ever. His parents are hella rich and he, himself, has a very nice nest egg. He day trades when he leaves work and has amassed a good amount of wealth, a third of which he gives to charity. He volunteers at soup kitchens, reads books to kids at the library, and spends time with his grandma and her friends at the retirement home. He cooks dinner every night, cleans up everything, and tends to her emotional needs. He spoils her with stuff, obviously, but i wouldn't say he simps for her, at least not the way she describes it. Plus, her friends love him him. Dude is Christian, which is big deal in Texas, and lives his life by those values. Literally the perfect man but he just can't f*ck. Her logic? Nine out of ten ain't bad. That's still an A and she's all about the honor roll. Around that time, my boss sends bro out to collect my partner and i because we had been outside for almost twenty minutes at this point, just enthralled by how contradicktory this dude's relationship is. He kisses her on the cheek, she waves goodbye, and that was that.

I heard they got engaged a few months after i moved back to California. Dunno if they ever actually got married but i imagine so. Maybe, with the promise of eternity, ol' girl figured she could eventually get him to believe in the clitoris. Bro believes in Jesus so he does have the capacity for leaps of faith, i guess?

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writesbatty · 6 years

Text

days 14-29

complete with unedited content notes from the facebook group i’m in

29/30

i love to rewrite the classics

to make persephone send hades running

(keep that 'rewriting the story of persephone as a love story’ shit several hundred miles from me, thanks.)

to give echo back her voice

to let arachne weave her tapestries once more

rewrite pride and prejudice so lydia bennet does not marry a rapist

get jane eyre out of her aunt's home sooner rather than later

find ophelia a therapist

remind everyone that tragedy can still have a happy ending

28/30 content warning: mentions/discussions of sex and consent. this is very vulnerable and im uncomfortable and DOING IT ANYWAY rip

i tell my boyfriend i think we should start scheduling sex

but that this is not some indication of failure in our relationship

i know he worries that my complicated relationship with sex is some reflection of how attractive i find him

(it doesn't help that the past few years seem to have taken my ease of flattery away from me

i don't know when it got so hard to tell the love of my life he looks good in tank tops

and black jeans like the ones he wore when i met him)

but it's not that

it's that i don't think about it, the same way i don't notice i am hungry till i'm starving, don't notice i'm thirsty till my head aches and spins, don't notice i am anxious until i am already in the middle of panic

it's that i was in a relationship where i never thought about the word no, it never occurred to me as an option, and now i end up consumed with pointless worry that i do not really want this

i try to talk to my therapist about these things, but i never really know what to say

how to explain my ex never set out to hurt me and half of it was my fault, but i am still feeling the aftershocks years later

without sounding like i am making excuses

(maybe i am, i don't know, i have always had a hard time with blame, with holding others accountable)

but at the same time i never want to imply what happened was more serious than it was

nothing like a genuine violation, nothing that should label me victim or survivor

nothing like what others have gritted their teeth and fought through

maybe some of it is the meds

it's hard to tell

how much is the meds and how much is the trauma and how much is just me

and why has it been six years and i still can't

-casually tell my boyfriend he has a nice ass

-sit in my boyfriend's lap

-fearlessly messily uninhibitedly make out with my boyfriend

because some paranoid corner of my mind is afraid to say 'no'

(nothing would happen if i said no, because everything would stop happening, it's not fear that makes me question, it's the idea of disappointing someone i love, and that's all on me, not on him)

my boyfriend is an angel with a nice ass

(seriously, i am not overstating this, he has a very nice, round butt)

and when i tell him

i think we should start scheduling sex

he kisses the top of my head

and talks about how bob and linda on bob's burgers schedule sex, and they have like, the best marriage on television, so clearly we're in good company

and pulls me over to the couch to feed me ice cream and scratch my back

27/30 warning for like. harry potter/jkr 'discourse' or something i guess?

listen, we all should have known jk rowling was going down in flames the moment she made harry james potter a fucking MAGICAL COP at the end of the series

i have a list of problems with the deathly hallows epilogue that is longer than the actual epilogue and this is at least three of them

will somebody cut harry a fucking break?

why on earth would someone punish this abused, traumatized, exhausted person by giving them a career that will repeatedly remind them of every bad thing that has ever happened, which is most things that have happened to harry potter

harry potter should have been the defense against the dark arts instructor

harry potter has intimately seen both sides, every inch of light and dark

and he saw them as a child, he grew in them like a weed in brackish water, an in between neither fresh nor salt

(but he chose good, he always chose good, and it was always a choice, and it wasn't always easy)

let him teach other children to protect themselves

let him eat lunch with neville longbottom so they can discuss their students and make sure no teacher ever treats kids the way snape treated his students

the way snape treated harry and neville

let harry spend his weekends in hogsmeade with friends both old and new remembering only the light spots in the dark days of his schooling

let him know the joy of helping a struggling student

(this is how he will carry on remus lupin's legacy; that and the bar of honeyduke's finest chocolate in his desk)

let harry potter retire and spoil the ever loving shit out of all of his grandchildren

let harry potter put the past behind him

consider the fact that we don't all want to devote our lives

to fighting the demons we met in childhood

26/30

nightmare at 20,000 feet is the most terrifying episode of the twilight zone

and what an apt title

what an apt metaphor

because what could ever be more nightmare then knowing the worst is just outside the window

but no one else can see it

25/30 this ends like super abruptly but idk how to end it Properly and i need sleep so. shrug emoji.

it's like a bad joke, this harmless word that never stops following me

you know those tasteless reddit posts about trigger warnings? how there's 'no way' someone could be traumatized by something so normal

so small

that's me. i am that joke.

a man at the aquarium calls his young daughter pumpkin and i–

i swallow a wave of nausea

i try to ignore the way my skin begins to crawl

and my heart speeds up

and i can hear the sound of his voice

it's like time travel

it's like a curse

just say 'pumpkin' and i fly back in time and it's like my body does not know that he is dead

that he hasn't called me pumpkin in nearly a decade

you would think it would be the mocking, the insults, that would ring like shots through my echo chamber brain

but

it's that fucking petname

it's 'i'm sorry, pumpkin' in his voice and the look in his eyes as he digs the hole in my chest just a little bit deeper with another fake apology

an apology all for him

when he came to my high school graduation there were rules

-he could not drink

-he could not apologize

-he could not call me pumpkin

24/30

it's funny

this disconnect between the me i know and the me other people know

at home i pace the floor, building up the courage to call for a cab

at work they tell me i am good with people, that i am no nonsense

at home, i twist my hair in my fingers as i struggle to tell my partner of nearly six years i need something to eat

at school they called me confident, self assured

i wonder where this other me is when i need them most

where is this confident and self assured version of me when something actually happens?

when someone is in trouble?

when someone gropes me in the street?

when someone needs them?

when i need them?

23/30

weirdly specific sections i wish i could find at the bookstore:

unconventional sci written by women and queer people

dystopian fiction that ends hopefully

non-ableist romance novels with disabled protagonists written by disabled people

young adult romance novels about lesbians and magic with happy endings

poetry for queer girls who really like artemisia gentileschi's art

collections of personal essays about hospital waiting rooms

college kids from dysfunctional families getting their shit together and falling in love

narratives about found families of misfits

young adult novels about queer romance and theatre kids

the exact novels you needed to read at 15 when you were scared and alone and will still make you cathartically sob while reading in a public park

(this last section is real except it's just the francesca lia block shelves in the young adult section)

how to guides on how to be a person when your body and the world you live in are crumbling to pieces rapidly

advice on how to make your best friends move out of state to be closer to you

novels where the protagonist goes through hell but they come out the other side and are still an essentially good and optimistic person despite their trauma because the world is a terrifying place and we need fiction and narrative to remind us of the potential for hope

22/30

edit: i just word vomit typed this directly into the comment box and it got weirdly long so Be Aware

elle woods is my personal hero

i'm blonde

'yes sarah'

i'm sure you're thinking

'i know, i have seen you'

but it's more than that, okay? i am blonde on the inside. my heart and soul are blonde. i talk to people and they say 'i can't imagine you not blonde' because the concept of me any other way is absurd

maybe because its the one thing everyone always loved about me. when i was a kid, everyone wanted to play with my hair. i had barbie hair, disney princess hair. long blonde waves like strands of gold.

i grew up telling blonde jokes, so everyone would know i was Smart and Cool. i got teased for being a nerd and a four eyes and for awhile everyone called me 'dictionary' because i knew how to spell zombie. smart was more important to me than cool, but i still told blonde jokes. the blonde swims ninety percent of the way to the other shore, gets tired, and swims all the way back, and god if that isn't a metaphor for my life. god if i haven't spent 25 years fighting not to be the blonde who turned back.

when i almost failed math in my freshman year of high school my father told me i should give up and become a playboy bunny because i didn't have a future. a childhood friend asks when i will grow out of the color pink.

i am a blonde the way i am pink. spiteful. elle woods walking malibu barbie through the halls of harvard. elle woods taking notes in pink sparkling pen. elle woods handing in her scented resume printed on pink paper.

elle woods saying

'what, like it's hard?'

i tape my thesis pages to the wall with glitter tape and pin my blonde hair back with a flower clip and i wear baby pink leather heels with bows on them.

'what, like it's hard?'

21/30

why do the aliens always want to kill us?

why do we always build a giant weapon?

why can't the aliens come to earth to help us?

why aren't scifi movies about healing?

20/30

ode to vestibular stimming

i do not like metal music

i'm sorry, it's just not my thing

but good god do i understand why people head bang

and why people mosh

when i was a kid i loved jumping on the trampoline, and the way it made my heart and brain jump and soar and bounce

now i can't jump on trampolines anymore but

i can listen to british pop music in my living room and laugh and feel that soar and jump and bounce as i swing my head from side to side and up and down and sometimes, for extra fun, twist my torso around a little

like i am so much energy and so little body but finally it has somewhere to go as my hair swishes against my face and an unstoppable grin spreads across my face and

don't you ever wanna just let go?

don't you ever wanna shake your head until the dizzy chases everything else away?

19/30

i like to talk to the creatures in the tanks when i do my aquarium rounds

the old man of an octopus in the floor tank i call gramps

my favorite sea star, a purple velcro star in the touch tanks, i call zippy

mostly i just call everything 'buddy'

'hey buddy, how ya doing today?' or 'come on buddy, scootch down from the top of the glass'

i apologize to the anemones when they close up because people have touched them too much

and i apologize to the jellies when it takes me more than one try to scoop them out so i can change their water

in middle school i noticed a rip on my baby doll's neck so i made her a neck brace from the sash of a build a bear robe and propped her up on pillows every night, so she wouldn't rip anymore

i am nearly 25 and i still feel guilty when my stuffed animals fall to the ground

i am nearly 25 and i keep multiple stuffed animals in the bed i share with my boyfriend of nearly six years

a common misconception of autism and other similar social disorders is that people on the spectrum do not experience empathy

and in some cases this is true

but an often ignored aspect of these disorders is that anything you could lack, you can also have too much of

hyper-empathy is when you are so receptive to others feelings they become your own

they become so much your own it causes you physical distress

and everything

everything

has feelings

i once got sad about throwing away a pair of pants because i had them for just... so long

i once cried on an apartment balcony because my neighbors i had never met, never even SEEN, were fighting

today i watched a young boy scare simon, a seagull who hangs out by the aquarium, by screaming at him

and it broke my heart a little even though i not especially fond of birds and am, in fact, kind of afraid of them

sometimes i sit and think about the things my dad experienced and my aching too big heart thinks

maybe it was okay

maybe the things he said were okay, because of what happened to him

my aching too big heart always forgets

things happened to my mother, too

things happened to me, too

and neither of us turned out like that

articles on the internet talk about hyper-empathy like a super power

call it 'being an empath'

to me it has always felt more like a bruise

like my aching too big heart just can't stop pumping blood to the tender surface of my skin

18/30

a very angry letter to a lady who came into the aquarium yesterday. less poem and more just 'complaining' but wow, i am still mad like 36 hrs later

for the love of god, lady

what is your fucking problem?

you are a grown adult. you have multiple children, some of whom are teenagers, and this is how you behave, in public, in front of your family?

are you incapable of basic human decency? did no one ever teach you manners?

yes, there is a disabled person and their caretaker in this aquarium, and yes the person is making noise. people make noise. you are in a fucking public place. children scream in here literally all the time. the seals scream. parents scream. sometimes the people who work here scream, because it is the only way you can hear us over the damn seals.

so why, lady, do you feel the need to make some rude ass comment about a person you don't even know, and look at me like

you expect me to play along

i wish i could say something to you but i am an employee and that is not polite but

if i was just a person i would tell you to shove it

but i wish i could have been a staff member AND told you to shove it

so i could have told you, hey, lady

this person helping you, telling you all this information about sea stars, is also fucking disabled

and your rude as hell eye roll and 'oh great, here we go' and 'really?' and loud scoffing is not appreciated

and frankly you can kiss my autistic ass and get the fuck out

17/30

capitalism is broken

and the reason i know this is because of jurassic park

not the franchise but the canon, the universe it exists in

every time i complain about the jurassic park universe

demanding to know why, for the love of GOD, do people keep opening these parks full of dangerous dinosaurs

someone always tells me 'the money, obviously'

as if capitalism was a reasonable excuse for making a super t-rex that eats people

as if money were an excuse for making yet another death trap

yet another super dinosaur that's going to –inevitably– escape and eat and/or traumatize someone

the idea that the people who built jurassic world looked at the events of jurassic park and thought

the money is worth it

we won't fuck up this time

is completely fucking baffling to me

i suppose maybe i am meant to see this as a heartwarming representation of the american refusal to fail

if at first you don't succeed, try try again, after all!

but i think about the news article i read last night

about how insurance companies worry curing diseases is not profitable

and i think about all the lives lost and therapy needed because everyone in jurassic world refused to learn from john hammond's mistakes

and i don't think any of this is saying americans refuse to fail

it's just saying we don't care how many times we kill people if there's good money to be made

16/30, inspired by how affectionate the characters on new girl are with each other

all through high school i did theatre, and i don't know if this is a universal theatre kid thing, or just something we all did

but we were all about physical contact

we were a bunch of misfit touch starved pets

piling seven teenagers on one sofa, every part of you touching somebody, every part of you warm

and i miss that

all that platonic but physical affection

i am a very affectionate person, and i find myself fighting to seem 'normal' in social situations

reminding myself not to wrap my arms around people, or rest a hand on someone's leg, or call casual friends babe, or offer people bites of food

this is how i lived all of high school

sitting in laps, holding hands in the halls, kisses hello, shared drinks and forks

i miss it

i don't understand our desire as a society to deem intimate touch romantic

why shouldn't i kiss my best friend on the cheek? why shouldn't friends hold hands?

we are social creatures, after all

we don't start out like this

we sleep in heaps at slumber parties, we play doctor, we play house, we do each other's hair

why does all that stop because we get old enough to want to kiss people?

doesn't that seem silly?

15/30 write more love poems about your friends guys. love your friends tell people you love them. i love telling people i love them. i love u. all of u. here's a poem about my best friend aka the greatest human on earth, the guildenstern to my rosencrantz

so i've known my best friend since 9th grade

except

except actually i met her in 3rd grade and didn't know it until 10th grade

and she wasn't my best friend until college

except

except she was, i think, maybe the whole time and we just didn't know it

on my fifteenth birthday she came with me to get my nose pierced and gave me a hand drawn birthday card that quoted my favorite green day song

once we spent six hours on skype drawing bad caricatures of celebrities

and when i left to grab a snack she yelled after me

"don't you go where i can't follow"

our senior year we read "rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead" for ap english and we started calling each other rosencrantz and guildenstern

and when she gave her senior project speech on william faulkner she cried, not because she was nervous, but because she loves faulkner and she got emotional

she is exactly 12 days older than me, and a taurus, and she plays a bunch of different instruments and one day we're going to start a folk punk band called the rebel amish

last summer we went to the deyoung together and laid in a shag covered bean bag chair watching the light show in the summer of love exhibit for like an hour

and we took a selfie in some giant gold antique mirror

and when i picture my future, she is as much a part of it as my boyfriend

this other love of my life, this girl with the bright eyes and the once broken nose and who is always willing to sit and talk about books

or the shitty people we went to high school with

or weird titles for potential memoirs

this amazing person, who is the only person i would trust to drive me through marin county while eating a mcdonalds cheeseburger

it is a different kind of love, sure

but it is a love story

and it is ours

14/30 which i wrote but forgot to post because i was playing video games

i wish my own mysteries were this easy to solve

just look for the spot that glows

and unearth what's hiding

no crying

no years of therapy

no buried memories

just point and click

#napowrimo #National Poetry Month #National Poetry Writing Month #LONG AS FUCK im sorry

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nervermind · 3 years

Text

i grew up being told i was a girl and i was just like “okay that is true” and got Super into the marketed version of girlhood(tm) like with pink everything and barbie dreamhouse and made-for-TV BFF relationships and sleepovers and boy bands and disney channel and and and

i always felt like shit that i could never really live up to it because i was weird and unpopular but also because i didn’t realize that real life is never going to resemble a 2000s teen movie and nobody is really like that. and even when i was a child and was constantly like “i wish i could be a boy” and picked out a boy name and made an imaginary boysona it never occurred to me that i could be anything but a Girl(tm).

and then i was 13 and realizing i liked girls and had a crisis because i can’t be a lesbian lesbians Aren’t Like Other Girls (in my mind all girls were super airheaded and obsessed with boys i guess) and then i got more into the internet and dared to look at stuff about LGBT people and

i learned that trans people exist and was like “hey that’s cool i wish i could be trans” but i thought i couldn’t be because i liked the color pink and i was so obsessed with Girl Stuff as a kid

and anyway

destroy gender

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mercedesnameinlights-blog · 7 years

Text

Para: Sancedes

Who: Santana and Mercedes

When: Tuesday April 2, 2013 (Spring Break)

Where: Finn’s Aunt’s Lakehouse

What: After Finn’s Announcement

Mercedes caught up to Santana, walking beside her for a few seconds before speaking. “Want to go to your room or mine?” She asked her softly. Yes, things were tolerable between Finn and Santana at the moment, but this was a huge deal. Having someone you care deeply about announce they’re going into the military when things are not exactly the best around the world is terrifying. She had an idea where Santana’s head was at, but she also knew she needed to let her bestie talk it out so it didn’t get bottled up and left to simmer. Simmering might be good for certain recipes, but Santana could boil over and she didn’t want that for her. Ugh. She loved Finn and all, but he really did have a timing issue.

Santana picked up the pace when she heard someone walking behind her. Though when she heard Mercedes, she slowed down again. That was the only person she wouldn't run away from. “Yours is fine.” If they had gone to hers, Santana was afraid that someone would burst in. Now they only had to worry about Sam coming in. She quickly headed to her best friend’s current room, slowly sitting down on the bed. “The fucking Air Force. Is he kidding me?”

Mercedes closed the door and then sat down on the bed beside her. “Yeah, that was definitely a shock. I never imagined he was remotely interested in the military. But maybe that’s why? Maybe Finn really doesn’t have a clue, and a lot of people go into the military for that reason. They don’t know what they want to do, so they sign up and see if that gives them some direction in their life?” She had known what she wanted to since she was about 10 years old, not everyone had that feeling.

“If he didn't know what he wanted, he could've just went for some general education shit at a random college. He doesn't need to go god knows where to get his fucking hand blown off.” She ran her fingers through her hair, frustrated with the entire situation. “I can't even say anything about it. Like, It's his decision and I have literally no say. But I… Am really freaked out about it.” Santana figured she could just be honest and let it all out. She knew Mercedes wouldn't tell anyone.

“Hey, he’s still your friend. And regardless of who he’s dating now, you’d still feel this way, and there is nothing wrong with it. You have a right to be scared for his safety, I am too. I’m willing to bet everyone in that room is on some level. This isn’t about having a say in what he chooses to do with his life, this is about being concerned as his friend. And it sucks, but he is doing what he feels is best for him. We ain’t gotta like it, but as his friends, we need to support him.” Santana was more than a friend, at least she was, but that whole Finn and Santana kinda sorta relationship had gone down in flames. She still felt deep down that Santana loved Finn, to the best of her ability, but that was neither here nor there at this point.

Santana shook her head. “If I said something, him and Barbie would act as if I'm committing a crime. Especially Quinn. She’d somehow find a way to make it about her and claim I'm bullying her or some shit.” She bit down on her bottom lip to keep herself from getting, or sounding, too emotional. “You're so lucky I love you because I never would've came on this trip in the first place. I hate that everywhere I turn I somehow bump into them, and how I can't even be all up on Puck without feeling like an absolute monster yet they get to be cuddling on the couch like it's not big deal. And now with the whole military shit… I don't want him to go, Cedes. I really don't.”

“You don’t need to say anything to him with Quinn around. Give it a few days, wait until you can speak to him solo.” She knew things with Quinn and Santana were definitely not good, and she wasn’t going to get in the middle of that insanity. “And it definitely needs to be said in person, and calmly.” She wrapped her arm around her and hugged her. “I know, and I thank you so much for coming here. I know it seems silly, but all of you are the only real friends I’ve ever had, and in a few months, it’ll all be over. We’ll be leaving Lima and each other.” She sighed softly. “I know you don’t, and I wish I had the right words to say that would make it easier, but I don’t. What I can tell you is that as his friend, one of his closest friends, just be there for him and let him know that as much as you hate the thought of him being in danger, you will support his choice.”

“Yeah but even if she isn't around when I talk to him, I'm sure he’s gonna fill her in. It's like I can't say anything to him without it going to her.” She rested her head down on her best friend’s shoulder. “You know you're not getting rid of me though. I'm still gonna be the biggest pain in your ass.” Santana groaned at the thought of how this was all a mess. If only things had just stayed the same. There would be no huge friend fight, and they definitely wouldn't be so divided as they were right now. “Am I really one of his closest friends though? Let's be real here. Most of what I say to him doesn't matter anymore.” Figuring she did enough arguing against Mercedes’ point, she chimed in once again. “I guess I can try talking to him eventually.”

“Maybe so, but you talking to him about this, as a friend, is something that needs to happen before graduation.” She replied with a slight shrug. “Crap went bad between y’all, there is no denying that, but I can’t imagine he has erased all the years you two have been friends.” She began braiding small sections of Santana’s hair. “You thinking things you say to him don’t matter is not the same as him not listening. You feel that way because he isn’t doing what you want him to do, and guess what, you can’t fault him for having a mind of his own.” She knew that may not be what she wanted to hear, but Mercedes never tried to sweeten things up for Santana, if she was being crazy, she’d let her know, but she was always in her corner. “Girl, I’ve got so much ass I don’t even notice when you’re being a pain. Maybe I’ll feel a slight prick on the bubble of my left cheek,” she chuckled softly. “We’re going to be in New York, Tana. I still can’t get over that.”

Santana rolled her eyes as Mercedes mentioned Finn having a mind of his own. That was something she knew, of course, but it was also something that frustrated her. All she wanted was for Finn to think the same way she did. It’d make relationships much easier if that's the way things worked. “But I can totally fault him for playing the victim and always making me out to seem like a fucking Disney villain.” She playfully slapped her friend’s leg when the other girl mentioned having a lot of ass. “Shut up. Your ass is fucking golden and you know it. Plus I'm a big enough pain to be everywhere at this point.” As the conversation turned to New York, Santana perked up a bit. “It's gonna be so great. Everyone's gonna be super jealous of our hot asses as we walk along.”

“Yeah, but you know good and well you’re not trying to be the Disney princess anyway, that isn’t you. You’re not evil either. At the end of the day, y’all weren’t communicating. He did wrong, you did wrong, and two wrongs can’t make things right. All you can do now is try to walk away with your friendship, and that is going to take a lot of resolve on your end, but I know you can do it.” She shoved her softly when Santana slapped her leg. “I know my booty is phenomenal, but even I know I got more than two handfuls. Booty for days!” She grinned wider as she thought about walking down the sidewalk of NYC. “I cannot wait until the weather gets cold there, I am strutting in some chunky heeled boots, wrapped up with my scarf, oh so chic.”

“I could've done the whole princess shit if that's what he wanted,” she said softly. “Though I know it wasn't. Our only problem was my lack of emotion… He wanted someone that was gonna out right say they loved him while my version is trust and simpler shit.” Santana was pretty disappointed from how their relationship turned out, but she wasn't trying to focus on that anymore. Instead she just wanted to move on from almost everyone in their town. Santana loved the fact that she would be able to stay so close to her best friend. The two hadn't been apart since they were really young so they weren't about to start now. “Maybe I'll quit guys all together and be your super hot, trendy lesbian bestie.”

She snorted as she laughed. “Girl, that much hot in one relationship would be against about fifty laws, plus I have this really hot boyfriend that has these really amazing lips.” She knew she didn’t want to rehash the whole Finn thing, and she didn’t blame her. “Besides, you know good and well you’re going to have so many guys and girls after you in New York that I’m going to have to make you notes to remember names. And you’ll have variety too. This little town is full of the same kind of folks, and we know them all pretty much. I mean, it’s no coincidence that my first boyfriend is a guy that isn’t even from here!”

Santana laughed and simply shook her head at the mention of Sam’s lips. Hopefully what Mercedes was saying was right. She’d find some new people to hook up with and date, and the whole sinking feeling she felt when she saw Finn would disappear. It wasn't smart of her to be in the same friend group. “You can be my sexcretary. So whenever I hook up with someone new, I'll tell you so you can keep track of who they were and how good they were. Can't be fucking crappy people more than once.” She chuckled a bit when Mercedes talked about Sam not being from Lima. “You have a point. Why didn't we get any transfer students for me? Bullshit,” she teased. She was happy for her best friend.

“Ooh, sexetary, I like that. I’ll need to get a cute suit for this job. We’ll have an impeccable filing system, bad lays go to the bottom of the list. The guys that are gifted and know what they’re working with will get the gold condom of approval from you. Which by the way, thank you so much for explaining why there were gold condom wrappers out in the world.” Sex education via Santana Lopez was far better than any book or class. “I think the heavens took pity on me and said here, let us bless you with this southern dipped tall taste of deliciousness.” She shimmied and then started to giggle.

“Congrats on your new job! I just need you to keep being your fabulous self and maybe you'll be promoted.” She laughed as the conversation moved a bit to their condom talk. That was one of the funniest, but exciting, things Mercedes had ever asked her about. “I obviously need to keep my bestie updated on the latest, best condom options. You want that gold, boo.” Santana scrunched up her nose in her best friend’s direction. “Don't make me start thinking of you and blondie’s sex life! That is something I don't need to picture. I just need the quick details.”

“Ssshh, you’re the only person that knows,” Mercedes whispered, her cheeks brightening slightly with warmth. “We decided everyone didn’t need to know all our business. You get to be the exception, and he got to tell one of his friends if he wanted.” The condom conversation had been insane, but Mercedes was truly curious because why wouldn’t all condoms be in gold wrappers? Or why wouldn’t all guys want the cool, shiny gold ones? Her mind had truly been blown that day needless to say. “Oh I got the gold, believe that.”

Santana laughed again when Mercedes seemed to get so embarrassed of the conversation. “We’re the only ones in here! I won't tell anyone.” She tilted her head slightly to the side. “Do you know who he told? We’re like our own little group.” Her eyes grew wide when she brought up getting the gold. “You suck. I was gold until… Puck’s average, if you're wondering.” Santana leaned over to gently bump into her best friend. The talk with Mercedes had helped lighten up her mood.

“If he told anyone it would be Blaine, but maybe he didn’t tell anyone. He’s such a southern gentleman. I know it’s silly, but he’s literally everything I could ever want in a guy. And he’s so talented, I can’t wait to see what he does with his art career.” She knew she was doing that goofy, doe-eyed thing she did when she talked about him, but she couldn’t help it. She wrinkled her nose and then made a face. “Nooo!! I don’t want to know!” She started laughing. “He must know what he’s doing if he does the job for you.” She knew Santana did not tolerate being unsatisfied sexually.

Her eyes rolled playfully as her best friend started gushing about her boyfriend. “He’s just sunshine and rainbows, you know?” Even though she was teasing, she was genuinely happy to hear the pure happiness in her friend’s voice as she spoke about Sam. She deserved someone like him. Someone that made her happy and knew how to treat her right. “Oh, he totally does. I mean, it’s not a bad size or anything. Plus he knows what to do with his mouth so that makes up for it.” Santana wiggled her eyebrows a bit with a smirk on her lips. “Speaking of, just fast, I need to get laid. Like, I’m holding off on this weird trip and I’m not feeling it.”

“Don’t make me whack you with one of these pillows,” she chuckled. She knew more about Santana’s sexual activity than she needed to, but they didn’t keep secrets from each other for the most part, so it was par for the course. “Girl, go grab your dude and do your thing, just don’t let anyone hear you, because we don’t need that added drama up in here. No one has to know if you handle yourself discreetly.” Everyone knew her and Puck were having sex, mainly because they put it out there for everyone to know, but that didn’t mean everyone had to know when they were having it. Especially if they were in the same house! “If we get an apartment together at some point, I’m going to invest in high quality noise cancelling headphones.”

Santana shrugged a shoulder, not bothered at all by any of their conversation. “I just feel bad, I guess. Like, I’m obviously not dating him or anything but I feel like it’s rubbing salt in the wound if I’m heard at all. Or if I do anything remotely touchy with Puck that can get back to him.” She knew Finn had moved on, but she still felt weird about having sex with one of his friend’s. “Maybe I can convince Puck we should disappear on some long walk somewhere… Is there a basement in this house? I haven’t looked around.” Santana smiled and then fell onto her back on the bed. “Maybe I’ll get you nice headphones for graduation,” she joked. “I can’t make you spend money if you need them to drown me out.”

It was weird all the way around to be honest, but Mercedes tried not to judge people’s relationships. “There are a lot of places you two can sneak off to around this place. There’s the boathouse where they keep the canoes and stuff, there’s a zillion trails. Heck, take the car and have at it up the road.” Santana could get cranky when her needs weren’t getting met, and no one wanted that. “Please, I want awesome headphones for the studio anyway, I have them on my graduation wishlist, so maybe my brother will get me some.” She looked at Santana and smiled. “You gonna be okay, beautiful?”

“I’ll have to see if there’s a free time where no one would really notice if we were gone.” She didn’t want things to be weirder than they already were. If she had to wait until they got back from spring break, so be it. “Well, if he doesn’t then I’m snatching that gift idea right up. Actually, just pretend we never had this conversation and I’ll ask him myself.” Santana figured that was a pretty decent idea for a Mercedes gift. That and something else, of course. She sat back up and offered her best friend a genuine smile. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. It sucks, but you know me. I hang in there anyway.”

“You’re sneaky, I know you can come up with something,” she teased. ��“Royce is still refusing to believe we’re graduating, he says we’re still 14 years old in his mind, the crazy fool. I already know what my parents got you for graduation, and no I am not telling, but you’re going to love it.” She had helped pick it out to make sure it was perfect. “I do know you. Make sure you come get me if you feel like you’re about ready to lose your cool or you just need to vent. Sam knows when the Tana signal goes up, I’m off like Batman.”

Santana shook her head. “He’ll get over it eventually… You know, right before our college graduations when he switches to not believing that that’s happening.” She waved her friend off a bit. “I’ll be fine. Seriously. I’ll probably head back to my room and relax for a while and then find someone else to go bother.” She chuckled and shrugged her shoulders. “I’m hanging on. I’ll be back to my obnoxious ass self when we get home.”

Mercedes just shook her head and laughed. “Just a few more months, and then you’ll be busy planning your New York social life. Royce will indeed get over it. I mean, he finally got over me having a boyfriend.” She pulled Santana in for a hug. “Now go, get some rest and limber up for whatever mischievousness you end up getting into later.”

#para #r:tana #ooc: someone named me forgot to post this last week

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