#anyway i hope it doesn't get worse

[chloeseyeliner]

it's three and a half in the morning, i am sick on the verge of a fever and i am definitely going to do what normal people do when they come down with something!*

*read firstprince sickfics to cry over their love and caring for each other and, as a fellow perfectionist and control freak, sympathise with alex not wanting to fall behind in university just because of a disease.

#yes i am talking painkillers blah blah #but this is a better medicine #what the actual fuck covid #i trusted you #we have been besties away from each other all these years #and now that uni is starting you show up unexpectantly? #βιργινία δεν είσαι καλή συνάδελφος! (for the greek para pente fans) #the test is still coming out negative and imma go feral #and i have no friends in uni #i suppose i'll have to email the professors 💀 #thank god i did not get that job now #they would throw me out of the shop #(always look at the bright side of things!! 😭) #anyway i hope it doesn't get worse #and also #when will i stop using tumblr tags as my diary help #red white and royal blue #firstprince #rwrb fanfic

[little-pondhead]

Danny moved to Gotham.

Freakshow is touring in Gotham.

Freakshow knows Danny is in Gotham.

Danny knows Freakshow is still after him.

Danny's faith in heroes has been shattered.

Danny turns to the only person powerful enough to run Freakshow out of town, hopefully for good.

Danny turns to the Joker for help.

The Joker is looking for a new punching bag sidekick after Harley Quinn left him.

Danny is just the perfect person to be shaped by the Joker's hands.

Danny becomes the new Joker Junior.

#pondhead blurbs #dpxdc #how we feeling about this fellas #i think it's an ideal angst fic #but i don't wanna write it lol #the younger danny is the worse it gets #someone said that danny shouldn't be afraid of the joker because he's a clown and freakshow is a ringmaster. not a clown #if i find that post i'll tag the creator cause i can't remember rn #but i'm imagining danny who is heavily traumatized and scared and lonely #finding out that one of his worst enemies he hoped to never see again is hunting him and is so close danny has to check his eyes every day #just to make sure they haven't turned red #his anxiety is out of control and he's not about to go find a Bat or Bird to talk to #who would believe him anyways? he's a monster #but danny needs help cause he will not survive this on his own and he knows it #freakshow haunts his every waking dream #but freakshow isn't from gotham. he doesn't have the city's curses engraved into his blood. he never died and he's not truly teasing death #so danny chooses to plead for help from the only predator bigger than freakshow (in his eyes) who IS from gotham #danny goes to the Joker. prepared to offer everything but his free will and free mind. he can't give those up. it's all he has. #danny is a feral house cat asking a tiger to take care of a mountain lion for him by offering the tiger his own liver on a silver platter #joker is...delighted? maybe? no one is quite sure. but he takes what danny offers. #here is this little boy. almost the same age as the second robin when he died. pleading for the JOKER to be his savior. this will be fun

[dennisboobs]

do you guys ever sit and remember that dennis takes a mental health day is an episode that exists

#ada speaks #i think i could probably recite the entire one sided phone conversation he has with daisy by heart and i havent seen the ep in months #i don't know how to explain it but #from what little ive read of ross' writing it feels like. when you click onto a fanfic and you feel immediate deep trust of the author #like it just clicks #the cookbook characterization specifically. is like. #i would put my life in your hands #and im sure we will get more eps by him and i really hope that continues because i think its been a very long time since the shows had #writers that i feel Get the characters in a way that feels effortless rather than. overcompensating. #like you can smell that writer's signature no matter how hard they try to cover it up with jokes and subversions #which isnt always a bad thing and im sure if we do get more maloney eps i'll pick up on his writers quirks too #but it doesn't feel like he's trying to copy anyone/pull from old eps it feels like he has a good grasp on things which makes it feel fresh #i find that long running shows hit a point where episodes start to feel less cohesive and more like. segmented short films #but if you have a really good group of writers and they find their groove its like. yeah. ok. #i think season 3 is a good study because marder and rosell's influence is all over the entire season #later seasons you can literally just. Feel which eps they worked on because its got a completely different vibe from the rest of the season #16 still suffers from that segmentation but #i think all the first time sunny writers (and nina's first solo ep) were all absolutely fuckin bangers and they've got a good team in there #anyway. characterization of dennis flipflops a lot. but the rest of the gang arguably gets it worse at times #i think megan's dee is the absolute worst aside from conor galvin's #and i understand wanting to write her as a girlfailure who is just. horrible. but. #ok. comparing self help book dee to ross' cookbook dee. i dont even have to say anything do i. #she's like. The Woman. in the self help book. and i fucking could not stand it. ross' dee is so perfect though #and his frank. MAN. #EVERYONE FUCKING RUINS FRANK. #i think marder and rosell's frank is a lot of fun because hes clearly based on marder's dad and acts believably #a lot of writers struggle to capture his. frank-ness. #he's sort of suffered from like. bland pervy senile old man writing for a long time #and ross brought back him actually being a competent businessman #IM OUT OF TAGS IM SHUTTING UP

[bedlamsbard]

I think everyone who's followed me since my Star Wars days knows this already, but I am not watching That Show (Ahsoka), I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to talk about it, I have everything related to it blacklisted (including "star wars" right now), I will probably unfortunately still know what's happening in it, but like...please do not come try to talk to me about it. No not even about [insert whatever exception you think counts here]. "But what about --" No. Leave me alone about it, I don't want to know, I don't go here anymore, the happiest day of my fandom life was the day I broke up with Star Wars. If you were not around then this sounds overly dramatic but it was Really Really Bad.

#the star wars breakup was real messy but literally every time I hear or see something about this show I black out in rage #I wish I was exaggerating for effect. I am not. #however badly you think I reacted to rebels s4 it was worse #be normal about your fandoms! can't relate but do recommend #I was REALLY hoping something marvel I'd get immediately obsessed with would come out at the same time so I'd forget it existed #obviously not because they're not going to release two big d+ shows at the same time #but it's fine I can go back to the older mcu stuff I need to do rewatches anyway #these days it doesn't happen OFTEN but I do still have people asking me star wars things #bedlam watches star wars

[thegreenleavesofspring]

.

#You'd think of all times I'd be having stress dreams right now‚ but I'm not actually #In fact usually my dreams are horrible things of dreadful desperate danger and darkness and blood. Losing my children‚ losing other people #who trust me to help and save them. #But they've all been things like “woman is criticizing my soap bottles” (🤨) and “there's a tornado - but it doesn't hit us actually” and #“you missed a phone call btw” #But it's not that I'm not stressed. I am. I am tied up in all sorts of knots over this pending divorce hearing. And the pending CPS case. #<- That's going to court btw. Dallas has had a full year to do the mandatory six weeks counseling and has opted not to finish it‚ so they'r #taking him to court over it to codify that he is not allowed to have anything to do with us. #Fine by me‚ him being legally prevented from having anything to do with us has always been my hope. It'll be a hassle for me having to #*also* appear in court‚ but overall a small price to pay. And it also removes my last theological objections to the divorce; #the unbelieving has chosen to depart indeed. #So! *Good* news. But also not not-stressful. #(My back is *killing* me and it gets worse the closer February 6th looms.) #On the other hand I REFUSE to worry. Because there is No. Way. that God would bring us this far just to abandon us now. #And His fingerprints are *all over* the last two years. #(I am still not precisely 'looking forward' to the court appearances.) #Anyway. Fun stuff‚ fun stuff. #Nattering into the void

[shevr]

update

#i was talking abt this elsewhere but LIKE the thing it seems mainly is #this feels to me like the first boss that truly doesn't forgive #like for pretty much everything else until now w/ a few tries & a few extra levels & spirit summon help #i got through everything even if it was awkward & clumsy #but here the only way i could beat this is to actually finally learn the stuff that people say Margit teaches you early on #ie. proper timing and not panicking and learning the patterns #which i'm trying to. but god #getting better at avoiding simple attacks but still get hit sometimes ( shouldn't ) #still getting tricked by the stronger attacks and their longer delay #waterfowl dance is OF COURse hell. sometimes i manage to not get killed #wish i could practice avoiding that move exclusively #anyway right now i still somehow hang on by the hope that oh phase 2 probably isn't MUCH worse but heh lol #shevr #my lines

[beautifulpersonpeach]

I don't call myself army, just a music fan, like to follow grown up fans of kpop and other groups and honestly up until now I thought your characterization of kpop fans and multis behavior to BTS was very one-sided and overblown. But now I'd like to offer you an apology Bpp. I keep up with a bunch of kpop podcasts run by kpop fans and black women and I follow this 30+ black woman whose whole shtick is being in kpop for vibes, not engaging in fanwars and overall being above the gross behavior from immature racist armys. So imagine my horror when I open my Twitter today and the first thing I see is this:

https://twitter.com/SideShowShit/status/1647483768423464961?s=20

My heart is so heavy and burdened by this I don't even know where to start bpp. Just last week I saw a Shinee/taemin/multi fan say the hate against Jimin should 'show give those armys a taste of what they do' when Jimin has been the target of overwhelming hate from the same shinee fans since his debut. I'm thinking to just leave kpop completely because this kind of brain rot in adults over nothing makes me depressed as fuck. I sympathize more with armys now more than ever. I love Jimin and don't want to stop actively following him. How do you deal with all this hate? Seriously how do you do it?

***

Hi Anon,

Your link.

Abridged answer: "I got no worries because you can't stop me lovin' myself" - reference linked here. :)

Long-form answer:

Like I've said before, if you've managed to make your way to the podcast side of k-pop stan environments you already have my condolences lmao. I won't state the exact reasons for that here but you're already experiencing a few of those reasons it seems.

That user is actually familiar to me - she's a black woman who works in the US entertainment industry, Hollywood to be exact, in a semi-administrative role. That person is a Blink who runs in the same circles as Ash - a k-pop writer/podcaster and multi in the US; Carrie - an Exol and Shawol in Toronto who writes K-drama/film reviews; Tamar - a Jewish Blink and multi who is a k-pop journalist; and a bunch of other k-pop writers, journalists, DJs, and otherwise 'grown-ups in k-pop' who can't seem to speak even in a neutral capacity about BTS, let alone ARMY, despite many of them deriving their livelihoods from the spread of k-pop in the West spearheaded in a large part by BTS. It's partly why ARMYs are extremely skeptical of k-pop journalism because oftentimes these content creators, journalists or reviewers are just stans of other groups with barely concealed animus for BTS. And also why the quality of critical conversations in k-pop fandom is so poor. I mean, how can you trust the opinion of an adult Black woman who should intimately know the implications of racism, calling Jimin, Oli London, unprovoked? It's all so comical but also kinda tragic lol.

You sent me this ask just as I was publishing this post so perhaps you hadn't yet seen what I've said about the dominant behaviours of k-pop stans in fandom.

I understand how painful it is to see things like that but I suggest you ignore them, report and block the account if it bothers you that much, but otherwise focus on celebrating Jimin and the things you love about him. I keep saying that hate does nothing but create more of the same. Many of the people who belong to rival fandoms, especially the fandoms that have a history of being abusive to BTS and ARMY since as far back as 2014, including fans of Shinee, EXO, Beast, Super Junior, and since 2018, BlackPink, many of the people in those fandoms default to hating anything connected to BTS, and it fascinates me even now how it's like a social contagion.

If seeing opinions like that really distress you, it's okay to step back from k-pop completely. In fact I recommend it for people who tend to get really emotionally connected to the artists they support, because none of those people are going to learn to do better, and chances are you could begin mirroring their behaviour if you get too attached. I'm friends with many people from those fandoms because they've known me since before I became ARMY, they know what I think, value, and tolerate, and they share the same values as me. But a few of those friends have been sort of 'excommunicated' from their fandoms because they refuse to engage in the hate towards BTS, and this happens far more often than you think.

I write as much as I do about this topic because I get it. Nobody wants to see shit like that. But at the same time, those sentiments towards Jimin and BTS have always existed and Jimin is still happy, thriving, more concerned with knowing what his fans think about his music, so if he's the reason you're here, then focus on him.

For me it's really that simple.

#Juwon Park too used to run in their circles since she's a VIP who doesn't like BTS and ARMY #That was until she said something anti-black and they realized she had very limited access to the industry anyway #You'll see these sorts of characters from time to time the longer you spend time outside ARMY spaces #If that bothers you then I strongly hope you detach from k-pop completely because it will only get worse the longer BTS remains on top #kpop #kpop fandom #multis #bts army #fandom behaviour #fandom behavior #bts #jimin #park jimin

[arsonist-chicken]

Okay my fellow ADHDers or whatever else is up with your brains that makes it hard for you to study and study on time and study in a way that you actually remember stuff:

How do you get yourself to actually sit down and study? For me, the "oh shit deadline/exam soon, we can focus for a bit in emergency mode" hasn't worked in a long time now, which leads me now to an exam last week or so I put off to February and another one I would have tomorrow that I'm almost positive I won't go to because I never was in the lecture (clashed with another mandatory one) and only just now downloaded the stuff the professor provided, and I'm about ready to fall asleep so I know I won't manage it in time anymore anyway. And I have two other things I'd need done by tomorrow and I already know I'll cry during christmas break because of being overwhelmed not only because of staying at my parents' and missing my friends but mostly because I'll be overwhelmed at the prospect of January coming up with all the presentations and exams etc etc to get done, next to preparing for my main translation exams in February and getting started on my thesis.

So. HOW do you sit down and actually make yourself study? I came home at 7:30pm today, it's now 3:40am and I'm queuing this so that someone might see and have some sort of advice, because in that time I have finished one sentence of a translation that I'd been putting off for two weeks - ONE sentence - and revised the translation but like, very half-assed. I did not study for the exam although it was RIGHT THERE in my brain the whole time and I KNEW it was the most important thing and still, my brain just went kinda "eh 🤷🏼‍♀️" and I naturally didn't get my bills or even something I'd enjoy doing done. Just did fuck all for several hours that I swear didn't feel that long.

So, yeah, any advice on how to get yourself to actually START working and then sticking with it would be very much appreciated.

#body doubling only works somedays but often esp in the library i'm also irritated by other people #pomodoro etc doesn't work at all #help #adhd #mine #yeah i'M not doing that exam it's in 12h and I need to sleep now; I'm doing it in february #it's about how to build streets or whatever. not my studies but from the technology faculty as a chosen credit thing. #idk man i'm tired i can't think anymore. i chose it when i still thought i was going on erasmus so I'd be done in december #and not have clashing exams and leaving times #which btw i'm still upsetti spaghetti over. for ONCE i did everything right and put my whole heart in the application and they went na sorr #anyway. good night. #i'm exhausted and idk how i'll manage this semester and then it only gets worse because then there's a goddamn thesis to write #and after that i hope i'll be able to have some summer off at least before i start to work and will only have 5 weeks off a year until i die #or maybe retire if there still is a normal retirement age by then 👍 #yeah i“ #xm #jesus #i'm very excited to start fulltime work a #can you see it?

[mirnightghost]

Wdym Loki season two-

#I...why didn't I know anything about it coming out... #loki? #loki #oh well anyways #Considering how much they have changed his character and behavior #I hope it doesn't get any worse. #Haha I say that like I have time to watch it #whatever

[katyspersonal]

Cool.. Our rent price got raised. :') I did not know it was even possible to get even MORE poor than me and mom already were, but here we are. Guess I'll start surviving on literal bread and water at this rate.

#/vent #personal #no but when will things stop getting worse? #in moments like this I feel especially bitter thinking about that asshole that went to me like: #'wahh wahh katy i won enough money in the court to buy everything I want but it doesn't matter because I can't buy YOU uwu' #*ten days later* 'actually I don't want a friend/sister anymore can you please stay in your bum spot and simply be my- #-online friend and listen to me ramble about my interests without any regards to yours and show off how cool my life is to you like always? #like no I am not materialistic but when people make dramatic promises of this kind they better stick to them #'nooo but you MUST get out of russia!!!' bitch how? I can hardly afford enough food let alone travelling and living abroad #anyways yeah I am done using the guy that pretended to want a better life for us both and then turned tail as a core for venting #sorry it just makes me angry #not so much living in powerty and not being able to crawl out of debt and my life state no matter what #but more about a very consistent trend of having friends that one day get RICH and dump me as 'lower class' right after that happens #he is not the only one like that in my life he is just the most recent one #really speaks about how unlikeable I am if people lose interest in me as soon as they can buy happy things instead #shows that my worth as a human being is super low and I only work as entertainment when people can't buy something to do that instead #like videogames food travels objects books etc etc... #I am just below those things and less interesting than those things and I'll die early hahaha lol #hopes are that supernatural luck power that doesn't want me to escape easily will send me something to help. because yeah my situation- #-is B A D.

[aeide-thea]

god i know that complaining abt fic which most of you haven't read, and which i won't, for politeness' sake, identify in this post, is a great way to come across as both dickish and boring—

but i've been rereading a very long, very satisfyingly plotty series that's a fandom darling and the thing is, when you read like 400k of an author's work at once it really starts to become painfully apparent what their priorities are, by which i mean two things:

holy shit they're obsessed with 'what if strong powerful men who could hurt you didn't (but did hurt Bad Guys) (and it was sexy of them),' which leads into

holy shit they do not appear to have thought through the implications of saying 'i will have my heroes take over the same power structures that have enabled abuse, make no real changes to those structures other than swapping out the leadership, and then claim that everything is wonderful now bc Good Men Are In Charge'??

like. i don't necessarily need every passing fantasy to present me with a coherent, revolutionary system of politics and ethics—sometimes things are just fun and sexy and not especially Examined and that's fine!—but by the time someone's written literally almost half a million words, and done a lot of worldbuilding while they were at it, i am going to start squinting if they seem to think a Good Man can e.g. become an emperor by killing off the leadership of multiple countries and installing puppet kings loyal to him and still remain a Good Man, even if the justification was that the original leadership was maltreating its citizens and deserved to be extrajudicially executed. like. this shit was a bad, autocratic move when the US did it in real life and it's still bad now that you're having our mutual blorbo do it in fiction! and that's not even getting into the whole thing where like. they've got servants who the Good Man and his friends ""treat well"" but who very much remain second-class citizens in terms of how the story actually frames them and their concerns. [this was also a huge issue i had with foz m*adows' most recent book—everyone wants to write about fantasy nobles but they also want to make them good people and it's like. honestly i think it might be better to get comfortable writing about flawed people, but also—if your aristos aren't treating their servants like equals and your text isn't either, you haven't actually cracked the Moral Aristo paradox, sorry!] like, there's nothing that says your story has to depict a fully Healed World, nor should there be! but it's troubling if you seem to be convinced you've written one (and have your wide-eyed love interests constantly marveling at it!) when you very patently haven't.

#in all honesty—i've framed a lot of this as political/ethical critique‚ and like‚ it IS‚ but also— #i'm just really frustrated because like. the whole 'what if people were shockingly nice to you' thing feels like it SHOULD be better for me #but in actual fact i find myself totally turning up my nose at it and i can't totally work out why #i mean i guess part of it is that this author's Traumatized Love Interests are always really innocent victims #which i can't identify with emotionally because i feel like a piece of shit #so i need a story that's more like 'person who's been told they were a monster for so long they believe it gets convinced they aren't' #'(lovingly and sexily)' #but also i think a lot of it just. isn't subtle enough. like i need to have to put pieces together so i'm implicated in my own catharsis #being constantly told 'wow it's so amazing i'm not being abused by this person who COULD abuse me!! that's so sexy of them!' #is just. not doing it for me. like. 'not abusive' is not actually sexy to me‚ unfortunately. i need some character traits. #and unfortunately the ones this author tosses in for flavor ALSO don't convince me #because they never actually manifest in the story. it's like 'oh this character is so prickly—but never actually offends the LI.' #'oh this other character is so gruff—but the LI understands that about them from day one and doesn't take it personally.' #like. if the hero's 'flaws' don't actually cause any problems—they aren't flaws #anyway. i've definitely complained about this exact series multiple times on here at this point #but that's the thing—it's compelling enough i keep going back to it‚ so i get extra-frustrated by its flaws #whereas like. there's a lot of stuff that's much worse that i've been much less frustrated by #because i never had any particular hopes for it #anyway. thx for yr patience in this fully self-inflicted Trying Time‚ lmao #i guess this can get filed under #bookblogging

[naomiknight-17]

I have to leave the house like, now, to make it to my appointment on time

But I am tired and my tummy hurts T__T

#tummy hurty is probably because i fucked up my pills this week #i'm back on the correct doses at the correct time now but i fear the damage is done #i hope it doesn't get worse #tired is probably because Tiny Tim dragged me around outside for 40 minutes yesterday #and also my sleep has been not good #anyway. bleh. #mod post #state of the mod

[knifegremliin]

HEARTBREAKING! man has worst headache known to man but can't take anything for it because he already took meds for a headache earlier and cannot take any more for the day

#🔪.text #aaaand this is exactly why i almost never take meds for headaches anyway #because knowing my luck i will take meds for a more minor headache earlier in the day in hopes to stop it before it hits hard #only to end up with a much worse headache later in the day that i now can no longer take anything for #because i have already taken as many as i can in a 24 hour period #''oh why don't you just not take the max dosage the first time then'' #because if i don't most likely they won't do shit #honestly even taking the max dose sometimes doesn't even work #it technically didn't this morning because i have had a headache all day #it just was more tolerable earlier in the day #but now i feel like my head is gonna split open or explode. not sure which. #i get a headache like this at least once a week now it seems #and meds only work like. half of the time. #if even half. #it seems like most of the time they never do anything #hence why most of the time i don't even bother and just suffer #because if i do take anything well there's a high chance they won't even work and so i will just continue to suffer #and it'll just be a waste of meds #so why bother trying. #hm. realizing now that's probably not normal is it

[sakhafa]

anyways I think it’s so disrespectful when ppl unfollow u and don’t soft block u...I'm not ur fan? 

#like most ppl on ig have shitty content anyways I am NOT continuing to follow u if we're not considering each other friends...u r so funny #ppl who just unfollow ppl bc they still want their follow count to b the same...yuck yuck yuck I am NOT here for that!! #social media is for keeping up with friends not shooting ur shot at influencerhood in fact I hope y'all never get brand deals or fame lol #I can't tell if thats worse or when its someone w like 3 followers doing it like. doesn't it make more sense to block if ur a priv person? #anyways it's a weird ass world we live in fr.

[lasnevadaslaborunion]

I genuinely do love the prison arc and find it fascinating and I wish it was easier to find content and analysis about it that didn't veer to any of the Very Not Fun extremes

#my observation is that only people who enjoy both c!tommy and c!dream are capable of writing prison arc c!q #if they only like c!dream then q gets turned into a heartless hollow monster who exists only to wring out angst #if they only like c!tommy then the torture is either barely acknowledged or gets turned into a haha funny girlboss move #both of you are boring. where are the LAYERS. #and c!sam. guy has such a compelling fall from a well-intentioned and tender-hearted dude to somebody who will kill and torture so easily #i think it's very possible to acknowledge that both of them parallel c!dream by design without. like. drawing direct equations? #parallel lines don't intersect after all. #and acknowledging that c!dream is the victim of something incredibly unjust doesn't mean absolving his past injustices #it's just... the more time goes by the more weary i am of the ''who's worse than who'' competitive brand of analysis #i'm so much more interested in how these characters got to where they are. how they justify themselves. and how they will go forward. #and how everybody around them reacts! vibrations in the web and all of that. how does it affect people and what message do they take? #still holding out hope for c!sapnap to hear about the torture from c!q #let's see how much weight those making-amends letters really hold #and for c!sam to have a talk with c!tubbo. maybe muster up an apology. process what he did so he can move forward. #and for us to see literally anything about how c!dream is coping with whatever the fuck all of that was #my guy. my dude. WHY would you do that. there is nothing in the world that is worth it #he's hurt too many others and been hurt too badly himself. he needs the ends to be worth it but nothing ever will be. #they're all three slightly different flavors of horrible and they're all just so fucking tragic #anyway i think i've ranted long enough in these notes #i just needed to get this out somewhere #dsmp

[running-in-the-dark]

I'm just sitting here mentally telling myself 'I don't have to like him just because I find him attractive, I don't have to like him just because he's hot, I don't have to like him just because I like the character' over and over until I start to believe it

#every single time I love a character I also start to love the actor. sometimes that sucks. I don't want to. I want to pretend he doesn't #exist #but he's got the same face and the same body and the same voice and I just. how do I not do this. #I don't like him. I don't want to like him. he's at the very least kinda gross about women. which I'm not okay with. so. just. ugggh #it's just that I look at him and my mind shuts off and it's like 😍🥰😍 #rationally I know that's also fine. I'm allowed to like people who aren't perfect (and no one is perfect anyway) #buuut. it makes me feel disgusting. #idk. I guess I just. i dealt with this for so long when I was younger because like. most of the men I thought were hot were also #misogynistic. because the culture at the time was so much worse. and it was just accepted. #and I fucking hated it and I don't want to deal with that anymore #it's just. idk. it feels gross and bad and I don't like it #but. I do find him extremely attractive and I want him so so bad and I don't know what to do with that #ugh I need to just. not be attracted to people. it happens so rarely but when it does it only causes trouble. #or maybe I need to get over these weird morality standards that I have but I don't think that's possible? like how would that work? I don't #get it. #anyway. yes this is about Eliot/CK no I won't elaborate on that and also I hope he's actually a great guy and everything I've seen #that made me think otherwise is just wrong #I will still stare at his face and think about him and listen to his stupid gross music all day. and I will enjoy it. but I will also #feel conflicted about it 😔 #(but damn it he is hot and his arms are big and I am just a human being and I am very very weak 😫 big arms make me fucking stupid)