#anyway im scheduling this for the morning but i did type up that ID at one am so gnight gamers ✌️

[ellieloves2draw]

elytra headcanons i doodled a while back! feat. my favorite joe ive ever drawn

(ID: five colored marker drawings of various hermits and their elytras. each drawing is labeled with what kind of elytra each character has. in order, these are “cloak”, “vex”, “boxelder bug”, “grasshopper”, and “spooky halloween cape thing”.

first is grian. he’s a fae with birdlike hands and feet and a whiplike tail which has feathers at the end, pointed ears, dishwater blond hair, black dot eyes, and freckles. he is wearing a red sweater, black cargo shorts, and reading glasses with small, circular lenses. his elytra is a cloak that has been cut and sewn to resemble simplified wings. the base of the wings are red and the false feathers are gold, with small buttons at each crease. grian is sitting with his elytra half unfurled around him.

next is scar. he’s a human with green eyes, brown hair, and scarred skin. he is wearing a brown brimmed hat, jacket, and pants, a white buttoned shirt, and he is holding a cane in his right hand, and gesturing with his left hand while smiling. his elytra are a pair of vex wings. they resemble simplified bat wings with moth-eaten holes and are a pale blue color.

next is tango. he’s a pale netherborn with messy, swept-back blond hair, pointed ears, sharp cheekbones, and stubble. he’s wearing a red shirt with grey circles on the biceps, gold-framed goggles with red lenses, oversized red work gloves, and black overalls. he has his back mostly turned to the camera and has his arms spread out. his smile is visible, but his eyes are obscured. there are two small, empty speech bubbles around him. his elytra are a pair of boxelder bug wings. they’re folded on his back, showing only the shell, which is black with red outlines.

next is joe hills. he’s a human with long brown hair with green tips, cat eye glasses, and a handlebar mustache. he is wearing and oversized blue t-shirt with a white ‘at’ symbol on it and blue pants with patches sewn on. he’s hovering in the air and smiling at the camera. his elytra are grasshopper wings. the top pair are long and thin, and are tan. the bottom pair are triangular and are mostly brown with a green bottom edge.

the final drawing is cleo. they’re a tall, fat zombie with orange snake hair, grey-green skin that has been stitched together, and white eyes with black sclera. she is walking toward the xamera and is wearing a long, flowing, low-cut dark blue dress with gold trim, a split skirt, and gathered sleeves just below the shoulders, black and white striped stockings, blue flowers in her hair, and gold flat shoes. their elytra is a large, tattered, dark blue cloak that resembles huge wings. they are spread up and out behind cleo in an awe-inspiring but menacing manner. end ID.)

#hermitcraft #elytra #grian #goodtimeswithscar #tangotek #joe hills #zombiecleo #ellie loves to draw #i have a couple more drawings that i didnt finish that were intended to be posted with these #they were bdubs (house sparrow wings) etho (da vinci glider contraption) and pearl (moth wings) #if those ever get finished ill post em #anyway im scheduling this for the morning but i did type up that ID at one am so gnight gamers ✌️

[37q]

so yall know i gotta lor sis righ. well. fuck dude. those obligations from earlier. part rant part support seeking skip to the very end for that second part

context. 17 y/o not in school, homeless, lowkey estranged from her parents. father is unemployed and lying abt it, abusive and his ego is constantly reacting to his material precaritys impact on his manhood, sits at my old shop all day doing nothing. mom, actually employed, covering for dad, also used to work at my old shop before being fired for stealing a stack of cash, getting worse w her precarity and also sits at the shop a lot a lot. no idea where her lor bro sleeps. no idea how old he is too, could be 12 in an 8 year olds body for all i kno

so i pick her up at 1030, we go to the mall and check the ubreakifix type place and they dont work on iphone 8s. bet. we have a spare XR she bought off her big bro. missing sim tray, got a free replacement from the shop. go to the apple store, the XR is permalocked unless factory reset from the icloud acct tethered to the device (truly dystopian imo), schedule genius bar appt for tmrw at 11. take her back to her friends house, the one i hired a month before i left so she could have a comrade and a place to stay nearish work that isnt her moms (although they were kicked out of their motel right when i hired steven i think. so, unhappy coincidence?).

sis works then so i drop her off at work at 9 and take her phone w me. go home come back to the mall. genius at the bar says its busted, whatever. not like i been sayin that. its missing like the bottom 1/5 of the backing like straight up exposed circuitry and she leans it on its bottom edge on whatever flat surface she can find at her perpetually wet food service job. refurbished options more expensive than the cheap 'new' products, not saying much tho. deliver busted phone and info to her -- her mom and dad are there ofc -- go home. later pick her up that night (last night) and drive her to her gfs in the heights. oh also dropping steven and their mutual friend off at stevens on the way. whatever its like literally en route its actually kinda perfect every time.

apparently im picking her up this morning. Okay. oh yeah shes locked out of her paycard account. she locks the card when shes at 0 in case she gets an auto withdrawal thatll overdraft her. she got paid today so she was gonna unlock it but how did she access her acct previously? thumbprint. no password memory whatsoever. pretty fair, id say? she texted me asking for the last 4 of her SSN this morning. nobody picked up her call to the bank(?) until she called them in the car with me. the form required to change login credentials when u dont have account access required those digits and a form of photo id. no ability to access it from her ADP because the pw changed at some point but it still took her print.

reminder. shes homeless and out of school. she has a birth certificate but thats where my certainty of her documentation ends. ive run into this before where i wanted to start a real bank acct for her but they require legally viable photo id and even non driver state ids require 1. proof of permanent residence (X) and 2. proof of enrollment in school for minors (X) at the MVA.

so anyways weve kinda hit a wall with the limitations her unsupportive parents / guardians have provided! its taking up a large portion of my emotional, mental, physical, and temporal space in life right now so i wanted to make a post about it. my little bandaid desire is to at least set her up with a new phone which i estimate would be $200 minimum for actual 'verified third party vendors of used phones' but ugh i didnt budget for this.

oh the support seeking! if you know me and wanna ease the load on my sisters shoulders a but, id be grateful for some help raising funds for a new phone! ill include some $ links. if were unacquainted but youre reading this anyway and have a spare $5 wed love the support! thanks for reading :)

cashapp: $rmwperfect | venmo: @rmwperfect | paypal: @37q

#fuck it ill edit links in since its not letting me paste anything

[pacifymebby]

lol Hi😂 I hope your doing well! I saw your post about swimming becoming and an healthy addiction and it made me chuckle (in a good way and respectfully!!!) because it reminded me of me little cousin does swimming for her middle school and is at the pool like every other day of the week plus weekends! And like last time we hung about at a pool she was just zooming around like a little mermaid while I was holding to a noodle b/c I'm not good at floating 😂 but yeah.... also I guess what I'm trying to say is that 4+ times a week probably isn't a bad amount to go swimming! It's exercise remember and exercise if good for all types of health!! Exercise is good for you!! Also plus's I think I've heard that some soreness can be a good think because it (can be) an indicator of muscle growth! There's some medical stuff there too but I can't think of it off the top of my head! Just remember to stretch I guess and stay hydrated especially because id your swimming in salt water I can dehydrate you faster then normal water because salt. Idk how you're swimming but maybe if you are doing like certain strokes you could try rotating to different ones that work some different muscles? Idk? It is also important to rest though! Maybe it would help if you like made out a schedule of sorts for like they days you go and don't go to get a good mount of rest in between? If it's something you find comfort in too it can be good to help relieve stress! And yeah, that's about all I got. Sorry for rambling! I hope I'm not overstepping! You're brilliant!! ❤️❤️❤️

Omg do they swim for the team? Thats actually really cool and something i never could have done in school!!

I had an older cousin like that who could zip around the pool like a shark, i remember him and my dad trying to teach me to swim when I was like 5 and had a big fear of water, i used to think he was the coolest but he was so naturally zoomy and stuff even my dad (who's actually athletic) couldnt beat him in a race.

Yeah i think Id be less para about it if i didn't get the intense feelings of guilt when I don't go swimming. Like this morning I got up to go swimming but missed the bus, so now i have to wait until this evening and I'm genuinely really upset with myself about it. Like I'm pretty prone to eating disordered behavior and I do kinda wonder if I'm attatching more importance to an hours swim than i really should be.

Yeah you're right about the soreness, I've been doing lots of stretches because i want to learn to do the splits and increase my flexibility again (i used to do gymnastics as a child and I'm hypermobile so i have a complex about not being the bendiest bitch in Aldi haha)

I did end up taking a rest day yesterday and not feeling awful about it in the end, and I'm going to go tonight and then tomorrow too, i can maybe even go on Saturday or Sunday which would be cool.

I only swim breast stroke because i dont like putting my head all the way under water (i have ptsd and having my head under water when I'm swimming makes me panic so bad lol) (im slowly working on it) but I'm really only going swimming for my mental health as a way of burning off all my anxious energy. It does do wonders for my anxiety on a good day tbf.

Anyways thank u for ur message and like, giving me the chance to get a different (probably way more rational) perspective on the whole thing, i feel a lot calmer and less paranoid now.

U definitely havent overstepped dont worry!! ❤️❤️

[frostbite-the-bat]

goofy ass ms paint werewolf eating a mango as a divider between the rant under this bc i do not wish to be precieved rn but i still wanna rant some thoughts out

random lovely guzma urge to delyeet everythin on myne site bc not only did i make it for petz things back when i was active between petz folks and got some encouragement there and ended up never finishing petz things for it, but i also feel horrible and uncommited for it being hosted and made on weebly and for bein too lazy to yeet my shit over to neocities just cause that shit gives me a headache and instead of getting inspired by people i feel jealous and unwelcome

also been working on my sleep schedule its a bit better now and im like. better in general now..? idk how long i can keep this up but getting up early makes me just. so tired like all day urgh i do not understand how i used to keep myself up when this tired. tired tired. brain empty. hard to do shit for long. defo needs more breaks but i swear to god everything feels like its frying my brain but i got nothin to do indoors. guess i can go draw traditionall but i end up putting such high expectations on myself i just yeah. fuck it up. get stressed. not fun. i need to stop thinking about others bc i keep thinking i put effort into smthn i need to show it off.like if i wasted time here i might as well. no this isnt showable it sucks damn it

even stuff i do draw purely for myself as self indulgent shit i go urhh this aint right

oh and then i try doin a lil excercise so im not like. physically diyng but my god that tires me out like instantly. but its okay, baby steps.

dont know what sort of place i am in mentally. the type id prolly spiral a bit over if it werent nice and 2 pm. wacky stuff. i wanna maybe do some stuff but ugh my brain just. isnt big thoughts when im tired. but honestly when am i not tired. and i am getting art done but i cant get myself to draw all day again ill end up in pain again my hand rn already is being a bit of a bitch

uhhh played pokemon in the morning but i need better pokemon already. i fuck up every raid (raids i need so i can get better mons easier) (and my shiny ralts i want easier)

hmm maybe i need a break from stuff but what kinda break what even is relaxing in my case? and "break from people" is a slippery slope of self isolation i always slip into. bit difficult to figure myself out

also, different thing, but ive been considering this for a good few months now and kinda ignoring it but i read one (1) thing and i m intrigued to do more n more research now but man do not like how moral ocd clicks perfectly with a lot of my most common issues . so i guess thats a thing to consider going into (like research) . if it helps .bc dear god i am Sensitive

but uhmmm yea sleeping better now ig like i went to sleep around ONE. my usual sleep time was 5-6 am a while ago !!!!!!! 1 am has always been my kinda usual time. man and i used to do that even when i had school and i *functioned* with less sleep. how did i do that. uhm. not well i guess

but yeah. things.. arent feeling right and i kinda wanna wipe my brain. also the neocities thing seems to be a part of my issue of (ppl who dont care abt me) r gonna thingk i suck bc i dont do (this that i find difficult) (coding) i will be exploded forever and shunned andhated

uhmmm what else yea last thought i forgot as i was gonna type it and the last thing i am deciding not to share anyway bc Shame so hooray

guy who is eeypy tired

i am just realizing how like tired i am but if i go nap ill make it worse so uhmm cope i guess lmfao at least it keeps me going to sleep at a more regular hour but like srsly brain we got around 8 hours of sleep why are you tired we used to get less and function fine. maybe not as good but we functioned

#vent #rant #??? i dont know im not feeling emotional currently. putting myself and my thoughts under #a microscope i suppose #keeping reblogs on incase i wanna add to this but i swear to god if anyone #rbs my personal vent post again bc of an image attached #i dont care i will block you

[godzexperiment]

yet again we got that modern verse(s) brain rot folks-

-he is very much in stories, told about him that he doesn't know about... he is vaguely aware it comes with life but opts rather not think of it

-living off an fake id only because when he first wandered into his like go to bar/club *where he plays onstage at times/is around the most people the most frequently* (some guy was like ???? 'it's so weird you got in without one? or dont have an id and that is kind of huge if you want to do lots of things especially drink' and thusly nix sought to correct said issue) but anything else? it just goes over his head... like he had nobody offering advice/no need so yeah -favorite 'defacing' of public property is elaborate chalk pastel art on buildings/pavement (he especially enjoys doing it at like 3am after an rainy day so that maybe some passerby might be like 'okay life sucks an little less' seeing it and sometimes he does it knowing it's going to rain) but he also very much does other stuff/is somebody who'll draw little smiley faces places for fun -often obtains flowers from grocery stores as an little treat for himself (how he comes by them... is not usually by purchase) and goes about like pressing them,etc to preserve them often *thusly very often has flowers he's drying/in containers around his place-live ones near the few windows etc* -does an lot of 'morally good/for the better of society' things just without considering that aspect to it all, he dumpster dives often and like yeah he does things like donate what he can,etc but it's just like the palms of his hands *something that's just that big an deal to him*

-depending, might just have something like an traffic light sat in a corner and if somebody gets to be in his space/opts to comment he'll be like you don't get to know it nearly crushed me but... 'i'm planning to modify it with mood lighting or something' -has kept track of all his antics on the radio (he can tell you which siblings he's made jokes about/that 'two thursdays ago I went off topic talking about how beautiful people are and got an text in the morning from like the owner asking me if i could have phrased motherfucking masterpieces better') in general dude still very much absorbs what he is told,etc -always has snacks+energy drinks or soda,etc in his thigh holster bag and various other things (bobby pins, safety pins, hair ties,etc in case anybody he bumps into is like 'ah shit i need x due to an issue' etc) as such often has little moments where people are like 'wow this is going to mean i dont feel silly on my date' etc and nix is just like :) that is so cool, i did an good anyways.... -usually keeps flight to his warehouse space/wherever but sometimes has scheduled moments+situations where it's just like speeding through the air+doing tricks,etc (dude loves utilizing rooftops for this- run jumping an stupidly large gap no human could make and opening his wings to glide across etc) -which wing maintenance? given how durable they are isn't like an major deal etc but some nights he just gets overwhelmed with the 'if i get paint on them? it sticks and dries but wont flake off etc???? what do I do? i don't have anybody to ask for how to handle it or to help and that makes me feel awful' -does have his fake id choices memorized but also 'i dont remember what fake birthday i gave myself' types of situation which mixes with his anxious/existent nature to lie etc whoops nor does he really have an fake history sorted (sometimes, he'll metaphor and adapt things 'yeah im the youngest out of lots of siblings- i didnt really know them though growing up' etc) -sometimes dances along to the music in his headphones; typically when he's doing late night/wee am hours grocery shopping and is 100% an kicks against the ground to glide the cart faster from point a to b (never any crashing hazard as were he to encounter another/or some display he can you know quickly stop, redirect his pathing) *he's totally done it and had some little kid wide eyed like 'i just learned cool forbidden knowledge'* -as established he does not contain much money *often spending it faster than he obtains any/usually on others+donations places etc and like you know "theft"* but he certainly keeps change,etc to put in say parking meters or an quarter to offer somebody who could use it,etc (physical currency is his vibe; also he very much enjoys claw machines at the store)

-which he also tends to despite hating being in public,etc will take time to put things where they belong/fix messes at stores if he comes across it (somebody dumped clothes here on top the soda cases and- it wont take me more than an minute to return it where it belongs) -remarkably despite clumsy accidents often especially due to traffic; has yet to end up having to brush off ems/emts and such fuss. that would be like 'hmm you already seem to be healed, not that hurt?' yeah no nix knows that would be Terrible and doesn't even go anywhere close to such places

-might foster kittens for quite some time, depending on various circumstances and overall is often prone to 'yeah this stray kitten wouldn't stop following me so now is napping in the hood of my jacket till we get to the vet'

-enjoys being on roofs when it's rainy/outside in general during stormy weather especially if it's summer rain and getting caught in sudden rainy weather doesn't bother him (if anything were he hanging around somebody and they darted to get out of it he'd just stand there like xD while getting soaked to the bone teasing them over it)

-likes walking along things like parking spot buffers, fountain edges etc and will sometimes go out of his way to do so without actually thinking much about it

#drinking mention cw #long post cw #<< falling apart at the seams i cant deny >> headcanons #(-looks at the countless associated modern nix brain rot in the drafts and instead of posting that.. opts for this-) #(there is always more brain rot of vast means to be had with this idiot lol)

[flowersbby]

Star Struck | Corpse Husband x Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Swearing (If I’m missing any let me know please! :) )

a/n: You’re a model/ streamer in this one! :D I’m thinking about if I should turn this into a series or not? Lmk what you think. I hope you like it <3

It was a nice morning. The sun was shining through the tall windows that showed you a view of your balcony onto your bed, there was a slight breeze so it wasn’t too hot, and you could hear the birds chirping with the occasional honking due to LA traffic. The only reason you woke up was because the sun was shining right in your face. You groaned and put a pillow over your face. I really don’t want to get up right now. Just a few more minutes.. You thought and right as you were about to take the pillow off your face and turn over onto your other side so you could go back to sleep, your phone started ringing. “Ugh!” You groaned once again and reached for your phone that was on your nightstand. You looked at the caller ID and saw that it was your manager, Chris. You accepted the call and put the phone to your ear. “What do you want?” You asked in an annoyed and tired tone. You were definitely NOT a morning person. You hated mornings.

“Oh my God,” He said in a rushed tone, “Have you literally JUST woken up? You have a photoshoot in 2 hours! Makeup and wardrobe are waiting for you down here!” Your eyes widened. You completely forgot about it.

“I-I’ll be right there!” You told him and hung up. You sprang out of bed and almost ran to your walk in closet, your eyes scanning for a top that would match the black leather skirt you wanted to wear for the day. You decided on a black mesh body suit with a black crop top under it. All black today. like your soul. You quickly put on some black heels and brushed your hair, cringing at how the brush tugged on your hair when it reached a knot. You didn’t bother doing your makeup since your makeup team would take it off anyway. You fast walked to the door of your apartment, grabbed your purse off the hook, and opened your door to leave to your photoshoot.

                                                      🖤🖤🖤

After a lot of yelling from Chris for holding the makeup and wardrobe team up, you did your photoshoot and got to go home. When you got home, you took a mirror picture of your outfit and uploaded it to Instagram, putting the caption as “Fashionably Late 🖤💋”. You smiled at the influx of likes right as it posted. You were truly lucky to have your supporters, but you wanted one person in particular to see it. 

Corpse’s POV

I was casually playing Among Us with my friends while they streamed when I felt my phone vibrate slightly on my lap. I began to feel anxious to check my phone since I only have notifications on for one person but I didn’t want to take my eyes off the screen since I was following Jack, who I was sus of. Right when him and I entered electrical, he broke my neck. I felt relieved though since I got to finally look at (y/n)’s post.

My eyes widened when I saw the picture of her outfit. She looked good. Very good. I double tapped on it and immediately went to the comment section out of curiosity of what other people were saying. I looked at all the comments saying how pretty she was and smiled, but the comments made by creepy people made my blood boil. I wish I could just reply to them and say “That’s my girl. Stop.” but we both agreed to keep our relationship out of the public eye and I was truly fine with that. I just wish I could protect her from the creeps out there. 

I wasn’t even paying attention to the game until I suddenly saw “Victory” appear on my screen. “Let’s goooo!” I said into the mic. Everyone else was celebrating as well.

“Hey!” Rae exclaimed, “Let’s get (y/n) in here, she just got home.” My heart skipped a beat and I smiled.

“Yes!” I said a little too excited. Everyone else didn’t notice it though and agreed with me. I quickly texted her out of excitement.

Your POV

After receiving an invite from Rae and booting up your computer, as well as getting everything prepared to stream, you got a text from Corpse. You quickly grabbed your phone to respond back to whatever he said.

My Love 😊💖💖

im so excited to hear your voice

i’ve missed you

<3

You blushed at his messages. You thought about what to text back for a minute until you figured out what to say.

You

I have so much to tell you from today

I missed you so much bb

ft later?

You set your phone back on your desk and loaded up Among Us, joining the discord call while you wait. You were greeted by everyone as you joined.

“(Y/n)! Good noon!” Greeted Rae. You smiled as everyone in the call erupted in hello’s.

“Hey, (y/n).” Corpse said after everyone else had their chance to greet you.

Your stomach did backflips from him just saying your name. “Hi~” You said in a sing songy voice and started streaming. “How are all you guys doing?” You asked as your picked up your water from your desk and started drinking.

“Good now that you’re here..” Corpse muttered. You choked on your water and erupted in coughing, taken aback from what he said. Good thing your were muted.

“Corpse?!” Yelled Poki.

“What did you say?!” Also yelled Felix. The rest were just erupting in Aw’s.

“U-uh,” Corpse stuttered, “I meant that because (y/n) is such a good imposter and I’ve been a little off my game today so I’m hoping we get imposter together so I have some content for a video.” Good cover up.. You thought as your coughing got under control. I think he forgot to mute himself. 

“Yeah!” You exclaimed, “We got this my dude!” You took a glance at chat and saw everyone going crazy. Half of them were typing in all caps asking for someone to clip that moment, and half were shipping you and corpse.

“I can only play one game anyway,” Corpse said, “I have stuff to do.” You frowned at what he said. You haven’t gotten to talk with him all day because of how rushed you were this morning and now you won’t have time to talk with him now because of how different your schedules are. Even though you two loved each other a lot you have had your arguments about this with him. You hate that he lives two hours from you or else this wouldn’t be an issue. You would be over at his house everyday if he lived in LA. You hated long distance.

You had a great time playing with your friends, but when Corpse left you got a little gloomy. He wasn’t answering your texts either. You sighed and changed into his hoody he left in your closet when he visited last and put on some grey pajama shorts. You tied your hair into a messy bun so it wouldn’t get in your way for the rest of the night even though you were just going to watch Netflix in your bed and eat chips. After grabbing your snacks, you walked to your bedroom and opened the glass door to the balcony in your room, turned your LED lights to (f/c), got comfortable in your bed, and turned on your favorite show on your TV.

You were scrolling through Instagram as you heard a knock at your door. A scared feeling washed over you and you paused what you were doing. It was like you were frozen in time and if you made one sudden movement everything would come crashing down. They knocked again. You were scared that some crazed fan found your address to your apartment. Cautiously, you walked to your door and looked through the peek hole. Butterflies fluttered in your stomach and a wide grin appeared on your face as you saw who it was. You quickly unlocked your door and opened it. You wasted no time and grabbed Corpse’s face and kissed him with so much passion you didn’t want to stop. He lifted you up and held your thighs in his hands, walking into your apartment and shutting the door with his foot. “I’ve missed you so much baby.” He breathed as he kept kissing you.

You pulled away from the heated session and Corpse carefully placed you on your feet. You hugged him. “I missed you too.” You said and didn’t want to let go. Corpse placed a kiss on your head as he hugged you and rubbed your back. You realized something and pulled away from the hug. “Where’s your stuff?” Noticing he didn’t have a suitcase.

He looked at you with a blank expression. “Fuuuckk....” He groaned. “I forgot it.” 

You looked at him confused. “How do you forget your stuff. It’s a two hour drive here!” You laughed.

He scratched the back of his neck embarrassed. “I really missed you and I was excited to surprise you,” He explained. “I didn’t want to get here late and have you asleep so I didn’t even think about packing.”

You smiled. “Well, at least you have a ton of clothes here you’ve left.” 

He smirked, looking at his hoodie on your body. “Yeah, I see that.”

You smirked back at him, turned around, and began to walk back into your bedroom, wanting him to follow you. Corpse quickly swept you off your feet and put you over his shoulder, plopping you on the bed as he got on top of you. He looked into your eyes. “I’m tired.” He muttered.

“Let’s cuddle then, baby.” You smile. He smiles back at you tiredly as he moves off you to be the big spoon, pulling you against him by wrapping his arm around your waist. You felt happy in that moment. You finally got to be with the only man who loves you for you physically, instead of two hours away. You both fell asleep, taking in this moment.

#corpse #corpse x reader #corpse husband #corpse husband x reader #corpse husband x you #corpse husband x y/n

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 19

IN THIS EPISODE OF MURPHY IS SCREAMING, CONSTANTLY, TRAPPED IN THEIR PERFECT NIGHTMARE:

Glynda was saying: “I know we aren’t friends. I know we aren’t partners. I know you’re a criminal. But—I think I can trust you. I think I have to trust you, even if you’ve done awful things before.”

EVERYTHING GOES WRONG BUT LIKE SOMEHOW WORSE THAN EVER? LIKE A WHOLE NEW BRAND OF LOW. LIKE CINDER’S GOT A PICKAXE AND THE CENTRE OF THE PLANET CALLS FOR AID.

IT’S BEEN A WHILE HUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but dw offal hunt, like the rising of the sun, the arrival of winter, and the eventual downfall of capitalism, always returns. so lets go.

(i just quickly reread chapter 18 liveblog to remember what happened and Ah Yes I Remember Now. The Suppressed Memories)

The place was emptier without Glynda. Quieter.

/gunshot oh we’re in danger right out of the gate huh? we got some yearning right out here? right now? how quickly the turn do tables.

Cinder appraised her work, holding the beige coat up to the light and squinting.

man i forgot. i FORGET. how much i just love cinder in this fic. sometimes she kinda zones to the back of my mind where she sits waiting for me to start thinking about her again, but now i remember that this cinder is Peaque. look at her GO, minding her own BUSINESS. im proud of her. does she know i love her.

It didn’t take long to don her new, fire-proofed clothes.

in another world, in a more comical plot, she used asbestos. it didnt go well.

The subtle warmth of the Dust teased tension from Cinder’s stiff muscles, even as she marvelled at the strangeness of her own bedroom’s space. It seemed bigger now than it had the last two nights.

h

She chose not to dwell on it.

h

i choose to dwell on it! ME!!!! I CHOOSE TO DWELL ON IT. HEY CINDER WHAT THIS GAY SHIT. hello. ma’am. can we look deeper into this. i, for one, would like to, and i, for one, think its of value to think abt this. that said, small segue

Quietly, Cinder murmured, “I didn’t freak out.”

THE FACT SHE SAYS IT ALOUD LIKE EM AND MERC CAN HEEEEEEAR HEEEEEEEER i am. INFATUATED with this family. cant wait for the 100k spinoff thats basically an elongated beach episode where they go to like. alton towers. or butlins. six flags??? thats a thing in america right??? anyway. beach episode. call me. (wink wink nudge nudge push push shove shove)

 We had to stop back in because Merc left his favorite binder, and it was 2 in the morning, so it was easier to crash here for the night than mess with the ship’s autopilot.

them,,, THEM!!!! mercury is just a son and childe. thast it. he canot change this. i love these kids so much i am SHAKING THE MONITOR RN!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA

Stuck here in one of the homes they’d shared, Cinder missed them terribly. Missed the sound of their voices and the easy comfort of their presence. Finding the time to contact them had been difficult, between managing Glynda and Hati both, but Glynda was gone, and she’d sent Hati onwards to Atlas. She remembered her call with Emerald, before arriving in Umbraroot; she knew it had not soothed her or her fears.

im sorry was this chapter targeted at me, specifically, as a human being on planet earth? GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS FAMILY!!!!!!!!! THIS WONKY OLD BANDAGED UP FAMILY UNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i thrive every time they are mentioned on the page. it is a blessing. my succulents grow stronger each time they show up.

“No,” Cinder argued softly, “I had to. Mercury, you deserve to hear it from me as well. I am sorry. And I am promising you: I’ll come back.”

For a long, heart-wrenching moment, he was completely quiet. It was good that Cinder was alone in the apartment; laying herself bare like this would be unbearable with an audience.

GODDDDDDDDDDD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i am OBSESSED WITH THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT THIS UNTIL I D I E. of all thing the remaster does better than og, this is just. SPEEDING AHEAD. this whole CONFLICT this whole MESS just makes everything so much RICHER its like when u splash some wine in yr fancy food or stick some cinnamon on yr favourite desserts u dont NEED TO but it adds that lil SOMETHING,,, that little KICK that just ties the flavour profile together and in this case ofgughugguhu it just GIVES SO MUCH. im making SNOW ANGELS in the WORDS on the PAGE.

“Mercury. If I could prove it to you, I would. But you have to—trust me. For just a while longer.”

“It’s getting harder,” he said. He didn’t sound like he was lying just to hurt her. That wasn’t spite. That was honest anger. And it made her feel like dirt.

im less picking these for specific instances of like, things i want to say, but more just because bits of this r rly just so /chef kiss. cinder has these.... endearingly (take that whichever way u like) human qualities in OG to rly make u realise she had ties to add to her #Doubt but the remaster is just AMPING it up and u FEEL IT and ive never been more SYMPATHETIC to a round-faced sinnamon bun of assholery and fire id DIE for cinder fall and this is a fact PUT IT ON MY GRAVESTONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Is there anything you need?” What was this? Cinder could barely focus on her words. It felt like... “Anything? At all?”

“We’re fine.”

“Mercury, wait please—” She was losing him. “I think—”

“Just hurry up.”

The line went dead.

this place is not a place of honor.................. no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here........................ nothing valued is here................ IM DYING

Cinder began to type out her response, and that was when the nausea really kicked in. 

[...] 

She recognized this now.

Glynda.

stress stress stress stress STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

There shouldn’t be anybody. Cinder had done everything in her power to cut Glynda from people who would interfere. To isolate her. Make it easier to bring her to Atlas, to the frozen north, to her mother and the machine…

Cinder’s esophagus quivered; furiously, she shut her eyes and thought of nothing.

god cinder don’t remind me that you’re an asshole and dipshit and also a moron im trying to be NICE and CARE ABT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP REMINDING ME YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

FOR FIVE MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The front door clicked open.

Cinder couldn’t have said how much time had passed, only that it had passed slowly. What she did know was that it was Glynda returning, the sensation of boils bursting wafting off her soul. It crawled over Cinder’s flesh. She curled in on herself.

There were mites under every nailbed. Salt in her weeping mouth.

offal hunt’s brilliant use of this horror aspect is something i have tried previously to emulate and here’s a fact, take it from me: that shit is HARD. offal hunt consistently able to whack those real nasty, really Disgusting vibes on the head EVERY TIME is a work of art. i mean, kc and diesel do not fuck around, and therefore i am NOT surprised, but it’s only when u try this shit yourself that you realise: this is hard! this is difficult! it’s a huge testament to how GOOD this fic is in every way. also this whole fucking body horror aspect is something i didnt know this fic needed, but it did, and here we are. 

Thickly: “Things were going okay. If you hadn’t gotten nasty, I might have smoothed things over. I could have fixed things with my son.”

with my son

with my son

with my son

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I CANT TAKE IT EVERY TIME ITS TOO MUCH FOR TO BEAR I CANNOT HANDLE IT I CANNOT STAND IT ITS LIKE BEING SHOT JUST DIRECTLY IN MY DICK

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

im like sweating rn

Glynda said, “I’m scared.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to tell you.”

I SAID IM SWEATING

Glynda asked, “Are you lying to me?”

And Cinder said, “What?”

“About me. About Witches. About Ozpin—” Cinder’s guts went sour. “—About anything. I need to know if I can trust you.”

I SAID I! AM! S W E A T I N G

“I know you’ve lied to people. Hurt people.”

Adrenaline and the image of her kids’ faces behind her eyes made a potent, sick cocktail. “—Not. Now.”

so lets like double back to when i said hey was this chapter written to target me specifically and as it turns out, yes. yes it was. yes it was and as MUCH AS I AM LIVING FOR THIS MOMENT THIS SWEET BUILDUP THE EXPLOSION AND THE CRATER IT ALL LEAVES BEHIND

I

AM

so this next bit is like. i cant really quote one section but as i was saying in Vague DMs, this whole bit feels like wading through mud. usually if you say something consumes energy to Read it’s in a Bad Way when yr bored but this is more like. you Feel cinder all over everything feels so sluggish and it’s like dragging your own corpse around as you try and leave and you’re TIRED and your LEGS HURT and you’re kinda thinking god what if i just fell face down for just a moment of my LIFE.

The putrid weight of Glynda’s soul filled the room until there was no space left for her.

it’s like being trapped in a sauna, like getting stuck in a humid waiting room. where do you GO. what do you DO. god this whole section is fantastic and offal hunt NEVER fails to fucking nail the Vibes but reading it is HARD. i literally keep having to stop and breathe like ive been holding my breath. jesus h christ.

a small intermission for a mood:

“Get fucked.”

back to regularly scheduled hell

Out of the bedroom. Down the hall. The walls were sweating with heat. She tasted smoke. 

i love that i just said how i feel like im trapped in a sauna and it turns out: thats because me and cinder both, baybee!!!! hahahaha help

Glynda’s soul chewed her to the marrow. “Move, Glynda.” 

cinder being hunted at the start of this fic: teehee! im running away! now im gonna getcha! heehee! arent i clever :) cinder being hunted now: this uh. this blows, actually,

Cinder’s pulse roared in her ears. Her hands twitched. She smelled Ochre Brown’s round face melting off. His wide smile shattered with each of his teeth, going black and popping like corn.

this chapter is probably my favourite so far for this blending of so many elements. i cant even begin to like. THINK STRAIGHT about how all of this is tying together. the lore. the THEMATICS. like i said this character rly is just Rich with what og lacked and oh is it RICH. im gonna read this chapter in future and see so much that i know ive already missed. holy shit.

“Ms. Fall,” she said. “The White Fang requires your presence immediately.”

NOT NOW

Cinder stood there looking at it for a moment. Her thoughts were slow. Copper-tinged. Something small and indulgent whispered to her through the blood-fog.

It was obvious enough what would happen if she got into this car. The driver would take her to a secluded place, where she would be ambushed by a squadron of battle-hungry White Fang grunts.

They’d try to take her down. And she was a killer, wasn’t she? Ochre Brown wailed in her ears with every thump of her runaway heart. Her hands itched for action; her teeth, for blood.

She’d burn them black.

never mind! you are already dead,

She thought about Glynda. About her saying that if there was trouble with the Fang, she wanted to come. That she would fight for Cinder.

She thought of Glynda’s question: What aren’t you telling me about Ochre Brown?

Yeah, fuck that.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE MOMENTOUSLY: WHAT A CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is EASILY my favourite chapter so far. EASILY. everything about this was peak offal. the relationships. the dynamics. the dialogue. the vibes. the Grossness. the fighting. the EVERYTHING. this is some other level and its BITCHIN. PEAK. that said im now very tired. im going to have a cup of tea and Consider Things for a few hours. brb.

#liveblog #rwby #offal hunt

[yumenosakiacademy]

metr0con 2019 thursday diary

Cosplayed: tsuka-sa suou, summer uniform, w my burger king crown n my leo sign. Breakfast: ramen. Snack: none, but i did bring a package of poptarts.

This is for future me, so i’d prefer if ya didnt read but i mean. w/e.

Okay so.. I had a crappy morning and I only slept for 2 hours BUT! Con tiiiime! I got there and arrived at the hetalia panel a few minutes late but that's okay, it wasn't by many. I remembered I asked sealand during truth or dare n he said dare n I asked him to reenact his favorite fortunate dance n he was like "oh I've been waiting for this" or smth and later, I asked him how his gamer youtube channel was doing n america was like “oh dude i was ur 5th subscriber!!” n sealand was like “subscribe to me plss” n america was like “dont forget to like n subscribe. n receive notifications.” n someone dared canada to b as loud as america n she yelled when they said “be as loud as you were when u lost to russia in hockey”. at another part, someone asked america if she would rather never eat fast food again or save sealand from falling into a volcano n she hugged sealand n said “my lil bro!”. someone dared america to speak in proper english and she was all “oh pip pip cheerio” and mocking england haha

at the end of the panel, a girl came up to me n she said she liked my costume n i was like “!! r u into ES??” and they said “almost” or like. kinda or smth but they took my picture n i felt so happy gjhns

OKAY then i tried to go to the adventure t!me sing-along n q+a panel but they only did truth or dare for a few minutes n im not big into AT anyway so i wasnt rly having fun then they decided to start the singalong when they got the wifi working via someone turning on their hotspot but i had a bad throat so i just left the panel and then had abt 4 hrs to walk around! aw jeez, right?

while on my walk i saw a riku n got their pic n i was like “male idols unite hell yea” n we talked for a bit n they were talkin abt a boy idol series they had heard abt called dank!ra n i mentioned i had also heard abt that! i also came across someone who said they liked my costume or knew who i was (someone in a red beret) n we were talking abt ES n i was like “best boys go” n they said shu and i think keito n i was like “chiaki n mika.. theyre baby” n they were like “ryuse!ta! n rabitz r the most baby in ES” n i was like “oh dude those r my fav units.....” at some point, i saw kuro again!! i saw them but was too shy then later they spotted me as i walked past them n went “tsukasa!!” n i turned around n i was like “erin!!!” n i hugged them n the beret person was there too bc they were their friend apparently and kuro said they were just gonna b kuro for thursday (they were cosplaying summer uniform!kuro like they did in a previous yr) n they just wore it cuz they were hot n went “summer uniform solidarity” (bc i was summer uniform!tsukasa) n we fist bumped and i was digging around my shirt pocket to show them my souma keychain n they were like “oh dude u reaching into ur pocket reminded me i need to get smth from my pocket. i hav Fangs” n they put on costume fangs! eventually they started looking at jojo figures at the stall we were next to n we eventually parted.

at some point, the person running the itabag booth (theyre an ES fan, i kno. their site has ens-tars itabags in the examples gallery n they cosplayed ES last yr) saw me n went “ousama!” bc of my sign n i went over n they were like “guess what ia ctually got to meet arashis va last week” n i was like “RLY??” n they were showing me their arashi itabag n they were like “yea i got to shake his hand n everything aaa. n during his talk/panel (?) i kept showing off my arashi stuff as if to say “I LOVE ARASHI” n i was like “arashi is best knights member.. ara-nee............”

at some point my crown fell off while i was on the escalator? i tried to go back for it but it was gone in the Minute it took me to ride te up escalator? i assumed someone took it to wear but kenyan said someone mightve thrown it away..

i went to metro night live n it wasnt all that funny?? idk what to talk abt from it. they did a “luigi being a gamer” video series n one of them was him playing hotl!ne miami (not knowing it was violent) n he was like “ive never been to florida but i guess this is a game to simulate it!” n it said “proloogue: the metro” n he was like “oh like the convention!” n when the mask selection came up he was like “oh look we can even cosplay!” n he went thru the door n saw one of the mafia members n went “look! a congoer! hello- oh” n accidentaly shoved one of the guys down n he was like “can i help you up-” but then the character (jacket) smashed the guys head in w the button press n luigi went “....o-oh. uh-” and some of the other games were fortnite n he played a violent game n he was like “THERE IS NO GOD HERE NOW” or w/e. they also had an “Edgelords anonymous” skit in which reaper was a new member of the group but it ended w ruby r0se describing brutal ways to kill people (while listing em cheerily) n the others being disturbed n alucard ending the session.

at 7 i had nothing so i walked around. then when 8 hit, i was gonna go to Whose Line Is It Anime but apparently its time had been changed to 7 pm?? the 8 in “8:00-9:00 pm” was scribbled out in sharpie on the schedule board in front of the room n it said 7 pm but now that i think abt it.. i think they meant 7-9 pm. ....shit. oh god damn it. anyway i got sad n left then since it was kinda empty/slow bc it was nighttime, i sat down on a wall thing to open up my sougo plush keychain n some guy next to me started talking to me abt my nails and we got ot talking n apparently he had wanted to go to the dealers room but didnt kno they closed @ 8 n he was here w friend n only had a single day pass bc he had work the other days (his name was spencer) so he was just lounging and i suggested he tell his friends what he wanted n they get it for him if they hav weekend passes n asked if he knew abt the game room n he said no so i invited him to go play smash w me so we went but couldnt figure out how things worked bc there were many consoles n screens w games, but mosst had no controllers but it turns out u borrow the contollers w ur con pass! kenyan was there running the controller borrower table. he said “psst” bc he saw me n i ws like “kenyan!!!” n hugged him n he was like “hows ur weekend going dear” n i said not that great but only bc it was thursday! also my throat hurt” n he was like “did u drink?” n i was like “well.. i have water but..” n he was like “drink juice. it’ll help. that’s what ur dad wwould say” (he woukdnt) anyway we got our controllrs and started playg smash n i went, in order: joker, robin, chrom, bayonetta, greninja n he was teaching me how to play w the gamecube controller (im used to a wiimote) n he beat me every time but i had fun!

after that i was GONNA go to the v-ld panel but i looked inside while walking by n there werent many ppl so i said “okay lets go to the BB panel then. take a look” so i went in there n there were a TON of ppl anyway it was kind of boring bc im not big on murder mysteries n stuff but apparently someone solved it by saying ciel slipped n fell, no one murdered him. then they did the raffle n i didnt win but thats okay! most ppl left after the raffle ended n q+a started n i couldnt hear many ppls’ questions anyway so i was bored n thought of goint to the vl-d panel but ended up not but w/e! oh! also everyone received candy at the beginning of the panel n i ahd a mystery lollipop n it turned out to b birthday cake flavor! id never had that before. it was Good.

after that i was just wandering around n i called dad to startdriving there but the ciel i asked for a picture of, them n their friends were gawking at my nails ns tuff n one of the teens’ dads was like “how do ya pick ur nose w it??” but after that, as i was wandering around, the gundam id sen earlier that day saw me n waved n i said oh hi n went over n they (it was them n an izuru) were like “wanna hang out w us for a while?” so i was like “oh. shoot. id luv too but im waiting for my dad to pick me up” n theyw ere like “it’s okay we can just hang out til then, then, if ya’d like” so i hung out w them n the gundam was talking abt how earlier, a mukuro complimented them on their outfit n they returned the compliment n went to leave n the mukuro was like “uumm arent u gonna hang out w me? we’re from the same series n all” n they were like “not w that f***in attitude” n i was like “did ya rly say that?” n they were like “yea. ppl dont expect me ta hav attitude” n we also talked abt piercings n how i said they seemed cool n goth (the gundam had a nose ring n the izuru had a piercing near their mouth) but how it must hurt n they said it just feels like a pinch. at some point i roled over my bag so my sougo wouldnt get dirty n the izuru saw my rei button n mentioned smth abt only findin one rei button at the idol table n i was like “UR INTO ES???” n they were like “i just kno undead n a few other characters. like [points @ my leo sign] i kno him” n i went “he’s dumbass supreme” n the gundam was talking abt getting the rythm game n i was like “jut read the stories on the wiki the game is boring imo” n the izuru backed me up by saying it wasnt a rhythm game n a lil while later, i showed them the 2 cool rei cgs n i was like “big sexe” n they agreed but the izuru had said theyd seen the croassroads one i showed em (the first of the 2) n the gundam said they wnted to cosplay bloody banquet rei (the other cg i showed em) n the izuru said they wanted to cosplay them All gjhnsm i showed them ryu-seitai too n showed them undead n gundam showed an interest in adonis! we also talked abt k!n stuff n all that! im not gonna go into detail on that (esp bc it’s so late rn as im typing!) but gundam was like “i dont trust junko k!n. like, evreyone else, yea, but junko? no. or like, any other character that’s just so irredeemably shitty”. oh they also talked abt this one messy, ugly, tangly junko wig they found for $300 which shouldnt have been that much n it was just a mess of tangles. anyway t’s getting late oh gosh. anyway they said they’d b on the lookout for me tomorrow so we can say hi again! 

random fun fact: SO many ppl complimented my nails today gjhnsm

#i coulda added a lil more but this was already so long!! ah!! i need to sleep im dumb tired n i need to wake up early tomorrowww #diary #con diary

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 81

i keep talking to myself all the time - no not cause im mad or alone - but like i said earlier - i pretend like its ‘him’ and just him. meaning, no, im not those people who talk to themselves cause they enjoy doing it, or like um neither those who talk to themselves cause they dont have anyone else to talk to - but rather, -i-just-talk-to-him-

wow, no that was a nice way to put it out there. so much for defending myself lol

ok so im kinda energetic - as in -my mood is- i am not, physically energetic though. i mean i just spent the last hour and a half in bed scrolling through my phone until my phone shut off cause it ran out of charge and only then i dragged myself slowly to the washroom to pee which i shouldve done 60 minutes ago. so yeah - very lazy 

speaking of time. WTH is going on with this world? i feel like the number of seconds in one minute is a subject to small rise and falls like the world currencies! I mean seriously, i swear nowadays “1 minute” = “EIGHTY seconds” No Kidding!!!! It all started from after fajr today!!!!! 

yeah so after fajr today, at first i kind of blanked out - as in - that rush, impatience and i dont even know how to describe it - kinda feeling i was telling? about missing him and all that? like i need some action something to happen and wow this is such an off season - so yeah i was kind of stuck in my chair,, just switching from one social media to another doing nothing literally other than idk - trying to fast forward life and hit play somewhere cool ugh ok

so then something happened and it cheered me up and i got on the treadmill as was planned. usually do 3 hours but i knew doing 3 now, including my tiny 3-5 min breaks every 30 mins would take too long 

anyways ended up doing two hours at around 7 30 and then was too tired to take a shower so i just pulled a bed sheet from my closet and slept on the floor, cause no way im putting my stinky body to bed. 

when i got up, prayed zuhr and YESSS i did the one hour i skipped in the morning and yeah well thats pretty much it for the day. i mean then i sat and ate and then went to the hosp came back, chilled and still chilling right now as im typing :) 

oh something i said yesterday about how i wish life was full of action like in movies. like i just wish it was although i know its BS thats totally against how this life works. whats more surprising is how i actually wish for stupid stuff - i mean you know how on social media - one gets to present themselves the way they want. i mean you can be anything. happy sad widow married depressed gay - its like - its in your hands - how do you want to present yourself to the world mam? yeah you get my point? but like i lot of people fall for it. you look into others posts and you might wonder how their life is so wonderful and yours is not, how someones life is picture perfect and yours is not and BLABLABLA but Lol - i neverrrrr fell for that. pretty much cause i sugar coat my life too loool 

Its actually funny - im actually laughing - anyways where im getting at with this is - i was thinking about it - i mean for someone like me who never fell for all the crap people put up on display on social media - i sure am one hell of a dreamer to ‘wish’ for a busy ‘movie-like’ all colorful life. But then again in my defense - those are real people and people are full of crap so yeah i dont fall for their shit but i mean a movie is a well organised script being played out - ofcourse you ‘wishing’ for something like it is acceptable yasss (whatever makes you sleep at night:3 ) 

Also i assure you my vocabulary aint that poor, i just seem to lose my words when im posting anything here. mostly cause i have no words - everything is so messy and twisty and complicated Ugh 

Also its really weird that i feel like a days just passed by too fast this week. i mean i mustve slipped. i mean im like a human clock. lol i mean it. i mean when im not on vacation - and you ask me the time, anytime - my guesses are so close to accurate - like im aware of every second ticking by - now, im just saying im aware of it - that doesnt really mean i make the most out of time - but then i do know how precious it is, and i do feel like crap when im just shitting it away. and just randomly wasting time is one thing, but trust me when you are aware youre doing shit - ouch that burns! 

so august is coming, and i was kind of planning on fasting - i mean i didnt fast in july cause i wanted to get used to working out and fasting would just be disturbing. but yeah now its almost august and i think i should fast - for like the whole month - yeah :) cause i barely fasted for i think 8 days this Ramadan i need to make all the rest of it up. AND THEN AFTER THAT, it is sunnah but not one im actually brave enough to do to be honest but but but i think i have no choice - i mean i think i have to fast like every monday or thursday every week - cause i have a lot and a lot of fasting to do to make up for ALLLLL the ones i missed my entire life and trust me thats quite a lot - not the normal amount any girl would miss - cause ive been having problems and so i had to skip a lot and stuff - and i never kept an exact count - well actually its impossible cause its been a problem for years but then i do have to admit that i never tried either - cause idk- i guess i kind of took it as - oh cmon its just fasting - i mean i think i missed around 20 roughly - so ill just fast 30 - thatll cover it up plus ill fast extra - which is a good thing and blabla all that random thoughts! 

anyways i should now just focus on the 30 i wna fast for this year, in august but idk i have to come up with some legit plan where my work out schedule fits in perfectly too. both  are important to me, and im not choosing one over the other, i dont want to and i dont have to inshaAllah 

oh just a random thing - but i go for brands! Meaning, you know if something is sold by a really well known brand youd obviously expect it to have good quality and most of the time yes youre right. sometimes, nope! but then there are things which are not “branded” but the quality is amazing, and the price? well most of the time it is cheaper, but yeah i guess sometimes the price is almost similar - well the thing is - i am the type of person - whod want the brand name on PLUS the quality. like if there were 2 bags for example or two shoes, SAME quality, but one is cheaper ONLY cause it does not have a famous brand name on it - i am definitely the person whod pay wayyyy wayyy more for the branded one! - SO now you know the type of person i am :) :) :) :) 

Lol im sure that kind of information is something a lot of people would use to judge someone :3 But then im not all so irrational loool - like thats definitely something that is “goals” for me! I mean, i am a medical student being financially supported by my dad right now and will be for atleast the next 3 years. ATLEAST! ATLEAST! ATLEAST! 

SO yeah im not saying i cant afford branded products right now but i sure am not comfortable living a life of luxury at this phase of my life. I want to earn it. With my own sweat and energy. I want to tell myself that i deserve it. So yeah, thats the type of person i am but im not currently ‘practicing’ it like religion and one day IF i do, i know it will be something i earned and something Allah will not be unhappy with, because I am not planning to disappoint Him 

Okay enough with that. i really dont need to talk about it as long as i know ill be alright inshaAllah 

Oh something really interesting - so i REALLY REALLY need to smile. like NOT “smile more” but like “SMILE” for gods sake hahhaha. I mean idk - its like i hate people so much and idk i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me, and its not like i even care or want them to like me and thats exactly why im like all -pokerface-pokerface- but like cmooooon! if youre really talking to someone, something as simple as a short interaction in the hospital for example with the receptionist or pharmacist - i mean cmoon - just smile a little? i mean i REALLY need to work on it. cause if i am planning on being a doctor - OH PLEASE - smiling is part of the job OH WAKE UP LADYYY!!!!!!! 

but like im not kidding - like i just said - i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me. and ofcourse its not true, i mean MOST people dont even know me. like in the hospital i went to today for example - whyd everyone hate me? :) i mean idk its just something i feel. its weird. but sheeeeeet. have to work on it. fake a smile honey :) 

Okay and idk how wrong or right it is. but i thought of it and i dont feel like there is any harm to it. Like, id like to have the idea in my head that me and him, we love each other and we are meant to be together one day. inshaAllah. For which i always and always pray to Him and ask from Him. But as of right now, we are not together. but deep deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep and deeeeeeeeeeep’errr in my heart i keep telling myself that. We are.

now idk if its wrong, or right - but - i believe it is not making me do something which might anger my Lord.  All what it does is calm my heart. a little. And so i guess its okay! At least for now, i cant let go of the idea. Not today <3  Tada, guess thats enough for today! 

xox

[warmau]

hello sweets!! I was wondering if you've done apartment!au for bts??? It's a bit much so can you just do maknae line for now?? Pretty please with a 🍒 on top,?☺️ thank u~

Jimin

sweet boy with a sweet smile and a sweet personality and wow did i mention the word sweet???

he’s a little clueless to his popularity in the neighborhood like sometimes he’ll find notes stuck to his apartment door from some of the highschoolers that live in the building and they’re like love confessions like “jimin,,,,,,i like you so much!! let’s walk down the flower road together xoxo ~ secret admirer from the 9th floor”

and jimin is like “my neighbors are so nice to me, look at this note namjoon” and namjoon is like “,,,,,,,,,i don’t think this is ‘nice neighbors’ i think this person has a crush on you” and jimin is like oN me??? why would they have a crush on me 0000:

everyone in a 10 mile radius: because you’re the cutest boy in the world what kind of question is that

and jimin loves bright colors,,,,i think he’d have lots of yellow in his house,,,,,,like yellow curtains in his kitchen and yellow slippers,,,,,idk why he just seems like he’d want to have a really lively aesthetic going on

and he’d be neat ,,,, and would love having people over like he’d meet someone and in a day be like “you should come over sometime ^^” like he’s just a nice open person,,,,,,,it’s so refreshing

but he’s also a little shy around those he likes romantically which is why jimin always gets stuttery around you when you see him in the mornings and you’re like “hi!!!” and he’s like “h,,,hello,,,” and you always think he must be scared of you or something because he isn’t as upbeat and as talkative with you as he is with the other neighbors

and that makes you a bit upset,,,,,so you decide that you’re gonna prove that you’re a good neighbor by baking him a cake,,,,,,,,,the only problem is: you cannot bake

and when you’re done, and you’re sure you followed the recipe correctly, you can’t help but look at the cake as it’s slowly falling apart and you’re like,,,,,,,,,,,,this isn’t going to work,,,he’s going to think i hate him or something wlrgjsa

so you go out and you buy a cake instead and you knock on his door and when jimin opens it he’s like ,,,,,very surprised to see you and you’re like

“i know we don’t talk much,,,,and that’s rude of me neighbors should get to know each other so i made this,,,,,,,as a welcoming gift???”

and jimin is like “ive,,,ive lived here for over a year” and you’re like i k NOW,,,,,,i just,,,,,,,here 

and jimin takes it, his face gone completely red and he’s like thank,,,,,,thank,,,,,tha-thank you

and you’re like are you ok??? you’re redder than a lobster

and jimin is like iM FINE,,,,,,,,,,do,,,,,,do you wanna,,,,,,,,,,eat this with me,,,,,,

and you two end up sitting awkwardly at jimin’s dining table and jimin hands you a slice of cake with shakey hands and you’re like,,,,,,he seems so scared of me what do i do

and suddenly you’re like “im,,,,,,,im not mean” and jimin is like ????? and you’re like “i always think that you dislike me,,,,,but really im nice!! i think,,,,,,did i do something to scare you???” and jimin is like “nO,,,,,,nO,,,,,,it’s not that,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

and he looks down and tries to distract himself with eating cake but then he’s like “wait- is this,,,,,,,,,,,is this from,,,,,,the store down the block?” and you’re FRICK im caught and you’re like sorry i tried to bake one but,,,,,it came out bad so i bought one

and jimin is like you did all of this for me??? and you’re like YEAH i don’t want us to be neighbors that are cold with each other,,,,,,

and jimin kind of smiles sadly and he’s like “just neighbors,,,,right”

and you’re like wait,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,do you,,,,,,,,do you want something more

and jimin is like WHAT WHO SAID THAT UM THIS CAKE IS THE BEST MY FAVORITE FLAVOR OF CAKE YUM

and you’re looking at him,,,,,,realizing slowly that the redness in his face isn’t because he’s sick,,,,,,,,but omg park jimin has a c r u s h on you

Taehyung

the neighbor who you see at really odd hours of the night,,,,,like,,,,,,why is only getting home at 4 am???? is he ordering pizza at 8am???? what is his schedule 

would own like 40 dogs but the building has a no pets policy and it’s killing taehyung,,,,,,,,,he literally has to go over to his friends houses who have pets to get his daily dose of cuddling puppies otherwise he’ll get depressed 

the neighbors who have had a chance to speak with him all think he’s very,,,,,,,laidback and more than likely you’ll see him hanging around in the parking lot of the building skateboarding around or playing with strays that he feeds

and his own apartment is full of second-hand furniture he got from his parents and friends and he has posters up of like classic horror movies that are like peeling off the wall

and he used to play music outloud,,,but people would complain so he switched to just playing it through his headphones and pretending to like air guitar on his sofa 

and speaking of which,,,,,,he actually doesn’t have a bed because he was like what’s the point i can sleep on my couch or on my beanbag or on the floor,,,,,,,,taehyung literally doesn’t care is what im trying to say

his bedroom is just bookshelves (which are falling apart) full off old toys and cds and skateboards pilled up and baseball caps 

but it somehow manages not to be messy,,,,just kind of like very down-to-earth like him

and you know taehyung likes animals you’ve seen him wear shirts with dog faces like one five different occasions also he once rescued a kitten that was getting picked on by younger kids

and so when the landlord says she’ll be coming around to chat with you in your apartment about your new air conditioner you’re like “i need to hide my baby,,,,my angel,,,,,,,,my cat,,,,,,Mr. Tubs”

and you knock on taehyungs door hoping he’ll answer and to your relief he does,,,,,,,and you’re pretty sure there’s a noddle stuck to his cheek but you’re like “hey hey i know we don’t talk much but the landlord is coming up in five minutes and i need you to hide Mr. Tubs for me”

and taehyung is like whose Mr. Tubs and you like hand him the duffel bag and your cats head peeks out and you’re like “qUICK go inside ill be back in half an hour to get him”

and taehyung is standing there with your cat in a bag as he watches you run off

and he looks down and he’s like “hey Mr. Tubs” and your cat is like,,,meow who are you jokes jokes

but yes after you talk with the landlord you’re back to see taehyung and when you knock on the door you realize it’s open and when you step inside you see taehyung sitting on the floor of his living room, Mr. Tubs peacefully napping in his lap and you’re like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,my cat likes him better than he likes me is taehyung Magical

and you’re like “heY hope Mr. Tubs wasn’t too much!!!!” and taehyung is like “your cat is awesome” and you’re like thank,,,,,you

and taehyung is like “do you think you can let him stay here,,,,,while he naps,,,,,,he’s just so nice” and you’re like ok they really did bond in this half hour

and you’re like “sure,,,,,,,,,,um,,,,,ill,,,,,go?” and taehyung’s like “no, you can stay if you want we can play like monopoly or something”

and you pull out the old board game from under a pile of what looks like notebooks and stuff and you open it and like half the pieces are missing but it’s whatever you and taehyung have a good time anyway

and he makes you laugh??? and like he’s so comfortable to be around because he’s so easy going

and you’re like ‘you skate right??’ and he’s like not well but you’re like pfft please id love to learn and taehyung’s like “yo ill teach you”

and you kind of blush a bit because he smiles so wide and he’s actually really handsome??? and before you know it two hours has gone by and Mr. Tubs wakes up only to walk from taehyungs lap and plop down into yours

and you’re like “ill take this rascal back home now,,,,so he can sleep in his bed and not on my neighbors” and taehyung laughs but he’s like bring him over again anytime and hey,,,,,,,tomorrow at 7 are you free?

and you’re like pm??? and taehyung is like no am and you’re like what who wakes up that early tomorrow is sunday and taehyung is like “well it’s a good time for me to teach you how to skate ^^”

and gdi you’re actually agreeing to get up early on a weekday because hey,,,,,,,,,,he is really cute,,,,,,,,,,

Jungkook 

don’t even try to argue with me on this: jungkook collects actions figures and anime figures and those little nintendo figures,,,,,,,,,you know what i mean

has them like displayed on a shelf above his computer and gets really excited about packages because you guessed it: it’s a new figure

like he doesn’t have a bunch, he just gets the ones that are like of his favorite characters and also,,,,,,,,he seems like the type to own the soundtracks from his favorite games

and other than that,,,,,,like nothing matters to him

like he’s got his computer for gaming, and his bed for sleeping what else is there to life

uses his living room as a closet really like the armchair has clothes piled up on it and comic books 

he eats at a low table that he forgets to clean so when jin comes over he’s like “jungkook. look at this. look at these crumbs”

jungkook: “listen,,,,,,,mom” 

jin: “what did you say?”

jungkook: “nothing i said i was gonna go get napkins to clean off the crumbs,,,,,,,”

and the neighbors all think he’s cute and some1 once asked him if he was still in high school and jungkook was like,,,,,no,,,,,,,,,i graduated and the person was like oh my i thought you were 16

and jungkook wasn’t sure if he should be flattered or,,,,,,,

but also he kind of keeps to himself so he doesn’t have a lot of close friends in his building and you and him don’t really speak but one day,,,,you end up with a strange package at your door

and at first you think it’s that rice cooker you bought but when you open it you pull out this figure and you’re like wtf is a sasuke uchiha

and then you’re like,,,,,,,,,,,wait this isn’t mine

and you see jungkooks name on the box and you’re like SHIT I OPENED MY NEIGHBORS MAIL THAT’S A CRIME

so you quickly try to put some tape on it and make it look untouched but it’s so obvious you ripped it open but you’re like maybe,,,,,,maybe he won’t be mad he seems like a nice dude

so you take the package and you ring his doorbell and jungkooks like ??? and you’re like “this is,,,,,,,,yours,,,,,,,,i accidentally opened it but,,,,,,,,,,,,,i swear i didn’t break anything!!!!! sasuke is alright!!!”

and jungkook is like “god bless sasuke is alright” and you’re like “he looks cool is he from a game?”

and wow you know when you ask people who are super passionate about something and their eyes light up WELL

and before you know it you’re standing there listening to the subplot of naruto and sasuke’s rivalry and you’re like,,,,,,what is happening but 

jungkook looks so adorable listing off his favorite episodes that you’re like you know what whatever let’s talk about this

and jungkook asks you if you’re into any games/movies/shows and you’re like YEAH i have a few favorites

and you two are totally bonding in the hallway over geeky stuff but then you’re also like

“you’ve been holding that box up for like the last 45 minutes doesn’t your hand hurt??”

and jungkook is like “nah, i work out look!”

and he rolls up his sleeve innocently to show you his muscles and you’re like WOAH WHAT

and jungkook is like teehee my hyungs call me the ‘hulk’ isn’t that cute?? and you’re like ,,,,,,,,,,,ok he’s adorable but he’s also strong but he’s also funny but he’s also swole,,,,,,,,huh,,,,,,perfect dare i say,,,,,,,,,bf material

first date: binge-watching your favorite shows while getting to know each other better by playing 20 questions LOL 

#bangtan scenario #bangtan scenarios #bts scenario #bts scenarios #jimin scenarios #jimin scenario #park jimin scenario #park jimin scenarios #member: jimin #taehyung scenario #taehyung scenarios #v scenarios #v scenario #member: v #jungkook scenario #jungkook scenarios #member: jungkook #bangtan #taehyung #jungkook #jimin #sfw

[pansexualbatgirl-blog]

So like. Some people were kinda confused by the scattered posts and talking from my mutuals bout my new medical issues so I’m just going to quickly explain stuff here rather than to everyone individually. Anyways below this is my horror story of my gallbladder so far. No I did not have surgery yet but I’m scheduling stuff tomorrow when their office is open from the holidays. I’m alright now but occasionally still in pain and have been p much forced onto a diet.

Anyways without further ado, have the extended story of how 2016 fucked me up one more time right at the end. Anyways, I’m avoiding the majority of the gross details (the worst being probably my ultrasound and the pain which was bad)

My gallbladder got infected AND has gallstones (which is like a complicated thing im not gonna explain but long story short: OW) which happened some time just before christmas (the infection part).

Anyways I thought I had the flu the day after so I was tryna rest and stuff but all day on the 26th and 27th I was sick super bad and wasn’t able to eat. and on the 28th i was STILL sick superbad but the pain i thought was just the flu had just gotten super intense. And by that I mean when my moms boyfriend drove me to the hospital I cried at every bump. I was in so much pain it had just taken over my whole stomach and made it hard to walk and move and do anything p much (which was why I had been going to the hospital)

So anyways my mom had work in the morning and so did her boyfriend so nobody was able to stay there with me (and hospitals terrify me, for the record). So anyways I finally get to a room in emerge and the doctor comes in and THANK GOD it had been long enough for the initial tests to come in so I didn’t have to tell them I was a virgin and therefore Not Pregnant 30 billion times (because as a girl going to the hospital for stomach issues, thats their first thought). So he has me lay on my back and then starts pressing on my stomach and I screamed really loud and was caught between shaking and holding still because it hurt so bad i didnt want to move but like. He kept pressing on different places trying to find out where the pain was worst and it was on the right side (which I couldn’t really tell before since it had p much taken over half my body) which is Bad. Like, pain in the right side of your stomach is bad and they thought it was my appendix maybe so I got told I was going to get an xray and an ultrasound.

Which freaked me out.

So after he left the room my nurse came in and told me that it’d only be a few more minutes and then I was having a small anxiety attack so she helped talk me through some questions I had about the type of ultrasound the doctor had planned (bc it was originally gonna be one of the insert-smth-in-your-body ones) and told her I had anxiety issues (which will come up again later). Anyways she explained things in a way that made me feel less scared and then told me it would be painless and how it worked and made sure I was ok before going.

A few minutes later a guy comes in and puts the thing they put IVs in you into my arm and then injected me with morphine and some fluids and then walked me down to wait for my xray (which was so fucking painful lemme tell you. hes lucky the drugs were good or id have passed out by then but again: anxiety. I was too scared to ask for a wheelchair to go there).

So then they do my x-ray and the lady walked me to the ultrasound room. Not sure why (either from dehydration or because the nurse told them i was anxious about the other type) but I got the normal type of ultrasound. Which, idk if all of you have gotten one before, but theyre generally painless. Generally. They coat your belly in gel and then rub it with this thing that shows them your stomach-- painless. And by then the screeching roar of pain had dulled down a bit. Enough for it to only hurt in some places rather than all.

Anyways, she starts and I start crying right away. Like not moving, but tears everywhere. She had to guide my breathing the whole time (okay hun I need you to breathe. deep breath and hold it. okay now breathe, i know it hurts im sorry) and like I don’t know how long I was in there but it felt like forever and I was just in SO much pain the whole time even with the morphine in me.

Anyways bless her soul when she realized I had walked there she just “haha fuck that no i am wheeling you back you are not walking” only more polite and like when I answered I had walked she had this “im going to kill someone on your behalf” look on her face. So yeah she wheeled me back and told me she couldnt tell me about what she had seen on the thing (as they send it to a professional to get the reading) but she had a worried look which left me super anxious.

Ten-ish minutes not even later, the doctor comes back in, along with the nurse. He tells me that theyre admitting me and that it’s my gallbladder. He mentions its infected and my mind just goes blank with terror because when my mom had her gallbladder out it got infected amd she almost died. And at that time it didnt matter that my older sister and like two or three of my aunts had gotten theirs out with no problems, my mind just went straight to “oh my god I am going to die immediately there is no hope Im going to die alone right here in this room”. And the doctor is a bit patronizing and keeps asking me if I understand whats going on and what hes telling me and I just keep nodding and saying yeah and he left me with the nurse to go over the other stuff and I lost it. Like I had asked if I could call my mom (who I knew would understand WHY my anxiety attack had turned to a panic attack) and the nurse had been about to say that she had to go over some medical stuff first but when I broke down she quickly (bless her soul) got me my phone and let me call my mom right away (because again, I was alone at the hospital).

So yeah Im full blown panic mode and I get my mom on the phone and I barely get out “mom its my gallbladder” before i can no longer talk because I’m having trouble breathing. So my moms talking and asking me things (trying to see how bad it is) and I just am having trouble keeping up the conversation because I’m crying so hard so the nurse offers to talk to her and explains what all is going on to my mom for me properly and how bad it is (again, bless this ER nurse because she’s literally my hero). So my mom had mentioned “yeah when I had mine out I almost died from an infection” and my nurse just “yeaahhh lets not tell her that” but the thing is I already knew it was one of the scariest parts of my life and my mom said that and she kinda got how bad it was. Anyways so she gives my phone back and left to go get me something for my anxiety and my mom is telling me to call her if anything comes up and I knew she had to work in the morning so I’m trying to be calmer (because my mom needs p much all the hours that she gets, our family never has had too much money) and I went to ask if she could have her boyfriend or my sister or aunt or someone come sit with me the next day and my voice broke and it was a big sobfest and she just “I’m going to call in right now and drive up there” and Im trying to tell her not to but she just “I wouldnt be able to work with you there alone ANYWAYS” and stayed on with me while she was getting ready then when the nurse came back let me go so she could call her work (it’s community living so theres someone there 24 hours a day to answer, but either way its like one in the morning)

So the nurse brought me a pill for anxiety and chilled with me until it was time to send me up and ALSO had the pill ordered for the floor I was on so Id be able to have one if I had another attack. Now, like taking care of patients is one thing but she was an honest to god angel okay. Like she went way above and beyond what she needed to do and was super kind the whole time and even helped me pack up the little bit of stuff I had. Like good nurses in my hospital arent anything new but she was incredible and I can’t express that enough.

anyways when I’m up in the room they let me wait for my mom to get there (I was put in the old ppl ward because it had the first bed open on that floor, since it shares one with OB). When my mom got there they went over stuff with her and they said they’d know by morning if I was responding well enough to anti-biotics or if I needed an emergency surgery (which wouldve meant the inflamation/infection was very, VERY bad and not getting better). By then Ive mellowed out because morphine + anxiety medication = the highest Jean you ever did see. So I sign some papers and my mom asks more questions and then the nurse leaves (again, I was super high on the crap they gave me so I don’t really remember this part too clearly). But my mom stayed with me until I was falling asleep then gave me a hug and kissed and promised to be back in the morning when the surgeon would make the call.

Morning comes and I wake up and I woke up in too much pain to even try moving enough to hit the red page-y button for a good few minutes. Anyways when I do they bring me pain meds and they take a little while to kick in (as it was oral ones and not morphine this time) but kick in they did and by the time my mom got there (like half an hour later, its a 20ish minute drive from her place) I was very much high again (albeit still in pain).

So we wait for FOREVER for the doctor to come in and I get the news that I don’t need surgery right away but DO still need it. Annnnddd then I’m told Im spending another night there which was blah. I was also told that I wasnt allowed to eat or drink anything and that I’d be on antibiotics and fluids through my arm since they had to flush out my system or whatever.

She sat with me most of the day and chatted with the older lady’s son who was my moms age nd really nice to me even tho i spent most of the day half asleep nd full of painmeds. Anyways aroundlike 2ish? they took me to another room with a new nurse (this one in OB where I was supposed to be) and the guy wished me good luck and joked around bout how they’d loan me a wheelchair because his mom had like 4 different varieties in there ok. So in OB I had my own room and it was super big and the bed was super comfy,

Anyways my mom had to leave and let her dogs out and take care of my animals at my place so I laid there and napped off and on between pain meds and messaged some people and such. I kept dozing off on everyone though and needing to take breaks from talking and honestly theres not much to tall about this part. I slept and slept and my mom came back later and brought me a colouring book, a change of clothes, toothpaste nd toothbrush. Whcih is important because the morphine made my mouth taste gross and I wasnt allowed to have water even. Toothpaste with a gross mouth is a blessing. Boi, the things you appreciate when in the hospital lemme tell you.

Anyways I had to stay another night, this one less eventful and with less pain. I slept the whole thing nd in the morning I was feeling good enough to get up without pain meds (which i didnt need the rest of the day either woohoo). And my appetite came back (I hasn’t eaten since christmas night and even then, not that much as i didnt want food really. I hadn’t really been eating much at all that day or the couple before it) which was both good and bad... good because it meant I was getting better and bad because I was FUCKING HUNGRY OH MY GOD. But I had been dying for a drink since the day before so when later that day one of the peeps came in with apple juice and ice water I was so happy. When I was able to handle that ok I got a liquid lunch (jello, a popsicle nd broth and MORE APPLEJUICE!!!) and it was good. I got discharged not long after nd then got to go home after getting antibiotics nd pain pills.

So now the plan is to book a follow up tomorrow (since the office was closed due to the holidays) and then i go in for surgery round the middle of february. Which means I’ll probably be in the hospital on my birthday which is, you know, wonderful. Although the bright side is I’ll probably get pity presents. Maybe I’ll get a pity party. BUT I’M NO LONGER ALLOWED CAKE SO IT DOESNT EVEN MATTER.

Like I’m not on an as-little-fat-as-possible diet until its out since fattty stuff will iritate/inflame it again. I also have to avoid sugar or eating a lot at once so. Bright side I’ll probably lose the weight ive been trying to get off downside i cant eat fucking anything and i hate everything 60% of the time.

But ya that’s my story if you read this far ilu nd thanks for listening to me bitch

#jean can you n o t #rant #im dying right now tho tbh #fuck everything

[morningpages-louise]

January 17, 2018

kapoya uy hahaha i forgot to write a morning pages yesterday shoots but its okay that wont start the fucking momentum bitch no it wont. i woke up at around 6:40 feeling confused because the last time i was up was around 9 pm and then a brief wake up sitch at 12 and then back to sleep until 6 lol i succumbed to my jet lag so damn hard. i love my jetlag for it allows me to wake up super early morning and have certain times just for myself you know like i dont even have to set an alarm because i know i will be up. it's a great feeling - when your roomates are still on their beds and probably will be til god knows what time while youre out there in the kitchen with your airpods listening to music and cooking up a scrumptious breakfast. i just hate how i sleep so damn early tho to the point that its hard to get much else done like yesterday i had a presentation for nntropsy due but i wasnt able to do it since i literally just passed out. i thought i would pass out at 10 or 11 but nope i passed out at 9 lol but im super careful not to break this precarious sleeping pattern because i really dont want it to get at the point like last term where i was literally sleeping at 4 am and 12 pm i mean sure i was still getting my daily dose of 8 hours of sleep but then it worked because my classes started pretty damn late but this term 2/3 days of classes my classes are at 9 so id rather not break the momentum just yet you know. let's see how long this clock lasts lol anyways in other news i actually have no classes today. it's a thursday and my schedule has afforded me no classes on thursdays which is fucking great :D a leeway for me into the week to slow down, rest, relax and netflix and chill. but i cant do that today since i have a workshop on storytelling courtesy of MAD travel. omg wait i just got a notif that its kurts birthday today lol partay? omg i just realzed its pretty close to sofia's birthday too :O i have a special place in. my heart for that girl after our ny trip now whenever i think of her i think of ny <3 anyways back to wat i was saying about having class on thursday yeah i have a workshop today urgh so no netflix and chill for me. i actually have so much shit on my plate its crazy. like i did not expect my planner to be filled out that damn fast. i have no time for reading :( other than the news lol i actually wanted to dedicate some tie for going to the lib and reading new york times lol im making it a fucking habit and im sticking with it! but i just dont know if i have time because aside from that i also wanted to drop by greenbelt so i can go grocery shopping and buy moisturizer and slides but honestly i dont see it happening. i just want to enjoy my damn morning man. so i will just slow down and relax. i can probably do that on the weekend. i was gonna say tomorrow but i end at 2 and i have dinner at 8 so it may not be kaya. yeah ill probably have time for it on sunday :) since i am planning on going to legazpi. will have to find friends who are g :D but eah im so happy that y transition has been so well like i havent been feeling intense spurts of homesickness you know in fact it seems like i never even left i just fit in right in an instant <3 for that i am grateful. fuck its so slow haha i cant type in lightning speed. but yeah really happy im fitting right in. ive had some thoughts about quitting mad. im just so traumatized from last term and like i do not want to be making stupid social media captions. blog post writing is fine but theres only so many things you can write about. ive been thinking of quitting these past few days but im scared it might be something ill regret. im thinking of waiting it out a bit, like reaping the benefits my internship has given me such as this workshop (attending a writing workshop has been on my bucketlist) and also getting my free tribes and treks tour :D well see lol trying not to think about it too much im just gonna Head into that workshop and be like watever lol I’m too tired to give a damn. Ill just be myself :D today will be a good fucking day.

[matthew-eleventhirty]

so i spoke to jill and this is the first time she didnt completely bitch on me, like i told her about the blog and what i kinda wrote and how its gotten so repetitive but helps me deal with the fact i cant text you all this stuff. she asked if i would ever show you and i said no unless you didnt believe me when i say i still love you or if say we were to get back together and we were like hanging out and you needed some reassurance that i still love you so much and that you are more than enough for me. i told her that these are all raw feelings and some things i would be hesitant to let you read but i feel that i shouldnt hold back my experience especially since this is how i always felt. i told her that i mentioned i never felt 100% comfortable around your family and she said okay maybe then dont show him. i told her that its not something youve never known and how ive always been so honest with you. like when your mom was talking about politics and i kinda tensed up and you took over the convo or when i went to vanessas house and when i was in a convo you would jump in. at first i hated it it drove me crazy because i was trying to get to know them but after you told me its because you knew that was a hard thing for me to do. and she said that was absolutely adorable of you. she also said that she misses you a lot. she misses sitting on the couch while we watch “stupid” shows and you explaining every little detail. it was cute. i wasnt the only person who loves and misses you, my family loves and misses you too. she just didnt want to tell me earlier because she didnt know how i would react. she also said somehting to me that made me feel a lot better about this whole thing. if im being honest, ive gotten really crazy, like whenever i go on insta i always check to see if youre on too. its weird but comforting its the only thing i have of you actively still. im so sorry if i do end up showing you this and you think im crazy but maybe i am? but anyway i stayed up all night the day before my chem final studying and i noticed you werent on for a while so i figured you went to sleep. i never ever post stories to my finsta and i did this night so i wanna say a notification went out mentioning that i posted a story. you were the second person to see it so i guess once you saw the notification you checked. it made me feel better about this, like maybe you were checking to see if i was out or how i was doing or something, but it felt like okay he still cares. when i told jill that she agreed with me on how you still cared and that it was good. i just wish i knew how you felt. i dont want to be the fool who was waiting this whole time to find out you actually didnt care. but jill also brought up a good point that i havent thought of in a while. when i was freaking out and going through our texts over and over and over again, the words you chose whether you thought about them or not did show a little of your intentions. it was just the actions that threw me. but words like “separated” and “if you want to end it all completely” and how you really need this for you. i just read over our messages, im sorry i was so mean and selfish, i just going through the motions ya know? every day felt like forever and i do still wake up every morning hoping for a call from you. i just never knew how i could get through another day without talking to you. i think the only reason i havent called yet was because this is keeping me from it. jill said that you probably do wanna call me or text me, but youre nervous to because we agreed at the end of the semester. youre probably sitting there hoping id call you too in the back of your head and maybe were both sitting here like uuhh end of the semester. the way she talked to me tonight it feels like right after your last final youll call.. it would be really cool if you did. i mean then we could figure everything out. it seems like a much bigger possibility that you would need more time, but i just want to hear your voice again. i wanna see you i wanna give you a hug and pull any sadness or worry out of you. i wanna be on talking terms with you because i definitely do not like this. i cant see you jumping for the phone once you get out, but i could see you thinking about it. reading over our messages i hate myself. i was so mean to you i was so selfish i wasnt as understanding as i was right away compared to a few days later. i wanted to but i just felt this huge weight on my heart and i felt it breaking and i had no idea what to do. i hope you havent moved on. i hope im still yours in your head. maybe at first glance i have been showing you that i moved on, but look a lil deeper. i havent, in fact i think i miss you more now than ever before. its been a month and i still think about you every day and still wanna love you and get married and have babies. if that was too quick for you im sorry, i just never saw a future with someone more than you. i was really really selfish. i mean i kept thinking about the work ive done and discrediting all the things that you have done for yourself. it takes courage to let someone you love go for the sake of yourself. it doesnt sound courageous it sounds obvious to do but it is not an easy task. i mean that aside everything else youve done. im looking at it as okay this is what you have this is what you have to do, but its probably much easier to say to do it than to actually have it and get it done. i probably shouldve recognized that more. i mean i see it first hand every day. but i cannot stress how proud i was and how proud i still am of you trying therapy trying to get a schedule trying to do the thing that you have to do for yourself all while working to keep me happy. thank you for that. it took me a little bit longer to see and its not something thats easy for me to stay completely calm with because of the type of relationship we have, but please know that i do want to. i didnt want to put the blame on you above having to work with you for this for so long for you to dump me. i should have never added that burden onto you. i never would take back those six months, i never would ever want you to think i just did that because we were in a relationship, i want you to know that i did try working with you because i wanted to. it was brave of you to tell me all these things. youre very prideful and i can only imagine what it took for you to even bring this stuff up with me. i should have been much more level-headed and understanding. i wish i could have made you happier, i wish i couldve been a stronger girlfriend for you, i wish you didnt have to go through all of that alone for so long. im happy you told me though, im happy you were mature enough to do something so risky for the sake of you and us. it shows me who you are as a person. (just next time can we try to work together, im just thinking hypotheticals but if we were married or had a family and needed time to step back... i dont know how that would play out.) for that tho im praying you learned a new way to calm yourself down when things got overwhelming or maybe a new hobby so if you started to feel sad or needed time away from life you werent just sitting in bed becuase although that might feel great it does more damage than anything else. im praying you learned more about what causes this, whether its a big paper coming up, or a grade thats expected, or maybe you slipped in one class and now youre slipping in another that makes you not want to do any work. something so that when it does happen you can be like no i know this pattern lets try to subside it. thats ultimately what i want you to be able to do and maybe this break was what you needed the most. i should've known better tho, i shouldve known that you werent yourself and things were off and it wasnt something wrong with me but something wrong with you. i mean the signs were there. not jillian or carols signs but they were there. i cant wait to hear about everything that youve done! im so excited to hear form you again. i hope its sooner rather than later, but either way id be happy. i love you so much and ill always love you with all of my heart, never think that i wont please.