#bc tbh i'm grey ace/demisexual | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

inkskinned · 2 months

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before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.

you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"

and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.

it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.

you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.

in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.

the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.

you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.

after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.

the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.

you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.

#warm up #writeblr #this is also about being ace btw #my identity has slowly shifted over time and maybe if everyone is REAL cool i'll talk bout it #bc it's complicated and nuanced. but this is like #trying to warn u that if you find it “relationship upkeep” to have sex with ur partner #and don't actually enjoy it or seek it for urself. u might just not be attracted to them.#which is fine ! ace ppl can be perfectly happy in any relationship they feel good in!#but also i wasn't as straight as i had expected!#> the first time i saw dick i was like. huh. oh okay that's fine i guess #> the first time i saw pussy i was like. WAIT ACTUALLY HANG ON I GET IT #i just assumed sex wasn't all it was cracked up to be ya know #but also like. btw? this IS NOT saying ''u might be gay not ace''#bc tbh i'm grey ace/demisexual #it's saying u might not be into ur partner. explore urself & ur feelings. turn inward.#TAKE THIS IN THE MANNER IT WAS MEANT> GENTLE AND KIND #AND NOT IN A WEIRD INTERNET WAY PLEASE #bc the truth is that there ARE ppl who are gay who assume that they just ''don't like'' sex #and ace ppl who might need a different partner w/different needs #and i would have REALLY needed to hear ''check in w/urself about if u actually like sex''#WAY EARILIER in my life. but nobody said anything bc they assume if ur having sex. u like it.#not just the actual act of sex. not once ur turned on. do you ACTUALLY like it. or is it a burden?#even if ur gay. check w/urself. maybe ur more ace than u realized. in which case. ADDITIONAL FLAG BB #i love collecting my flags. i'm at like 354 at this point #but also btw this is about how toxic relationships are SO normalized that u can be in one #and have everyone around u being like ''THATS JUST MEN LOL''

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emotboyswag · 1 year

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This is zero offence intended to anyone who does use micro labels or find micro labels helpful bcs microlabels slay if they give u a deeper understanding and acceptance of ur own gender identity or sexuality !! I personally don't use micro labels bcs they do not give me (again only speaking from my own experience) a deeper understanding of myself or my gender or sexuality so if I used them all they would do is make my identity more palatable and understandable to cishet/cis ppl in general tbh. And I like being confusing! bcs I think we need to destroy the notion that ur gender identity and sexuality need to make sense / not be contradictory or that ur identity needs to be understood by other people to be ""valid"". People are complicated and our identities aren't necessarily straightforward.

Like I identify as asexual. Could I identify as grey ace or demisexual? Probably yeah but I can't be fucked to research microlabels bcs i like the term ace and actually if ur confused when I say I'm asexual but would have sex in specific circumstances I don't care !!!

I identify as a binary trans man and also agender. I'm not a demi boy or trans masc bcs I'm not ever a binary trans man and agender at the same time. It changes day to day. Could i identify as gender fluid or bigender? Yeah probably but I don't want to and I don't care if its confusing !!

Trying to shove people in neat little boxes doesn't work! And as a community we are trying to escape the boxes of society but then enforce more strict boxes by saying ppl can only identify in a certain way.

Not saying everyone has to have a confusing identity or you can't like the singular box ur in thats completely fine it just shouldn't be the expectation that everyone should have a neat and tidy and easily summed up identity

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a-master-procrastinator · 11 months

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Pride asks for Xaele, Kyira, Bal’sara: 4 and 10

and for you: 14 and 17

💜

4. Is your oc's environment supportive about their identity? How does this impact them?

Well, Kyira isn't queer, so I'm not sure this question applies here. (although she's flattered if she gives off queer vibes)

Xaele, agenderfluid asexual lesbian, they/them or she/her

(Congratulations, this question made me reevaluate their identity, so it's different from what I previously said)

With Xaele it's more interesting. Admittedly, I don't know enough Chiss lore, so no idea how they treat queer identities. I want to think that it has little meaning in their society, and that could lead Xaele to not question their identity bc it's irrelevant. When it comes to Imperial Intelligence, they were a little concerned that Xaele might not use seduction when it is useful bc of their asexuality. However, it's not a big problem for Xaele - while she doesn't like it, she sacrifices a lot more than just comfort for the job.

It did influence the way they see intimacy - as a tool, not something they can actually enjoy for the sake of pleasure. When it comes up in the relationship with Lana, it needs a lot of work. Takes a lot of trust and learning from Xaele to do it, but in the end it works out.

Bal'sara, bisexual cis woman, she/her

First, I'll give my thoughts about how Jedi probably view this in general, and then how it impacted Bal specifically.

I don't see the Jedi being homo/trans/aphobic bc why would they be? Jedi strive for knowledge, to understand the world around them and within them. They seek to achieve harmony, and that can't be done if you do not know yourself or have an internal conflict. Pretty sure the Jedi teach younglings and padawans about different identities and all that, so they wouldn't feel scared or confused or misunderstood when discovering their own identities.

As to how it impacted Bal'sara - positively. When she started having doubts and questions about her identity, she went to either her master or whoever was in charge of teaching this stuff, and they helped her navigate through this. In her free time Bal did more self-exploration, tried different things, and before she was knighted, she was already confident in her identity as cisgender bisexual woman.

10. Does your oc celebrate Pride? How?

I'm not sure how I would approach the concept of Pride in Star Wars (and tbh I know little about it irl), so this is more of 'what if my characters existed in real life'.

Xaele - probably not, they have too much going on and no time or energy to celebrate. She appreciates its existence though.

Kyira - tags along with her queer friends if they celebrate.

Bal'sara - hell yeah she would celebrate with her girlfriend.

14. Do you have ocs on the aro or ace spectrum?

Yes! Their number grew bigger especially after me realizing that I'm ace and learning more about nuances in ace and aro spectrums. Admittedly, I don't have a lot of aromantic characters, but maybe it's bc they haven't told me yet.

Xaele, Myk and Rykeer are asexual; Shailla and Drechard are demisexual; Auletta and Lorri are aroace.

Also, I'm beginning to think Jett is somewhere on the asexual spectrum as well, but no specific label yet (maybe grey asexual?)

And Jaria strikes me as aromantic, but I'm reluctant about this bc for now she would be my only aromantic OC, and that's a bit problematic, considering her personality. (yeah, I have two aroace characters, but to me aroace is a little different to asexual or aromantic)

17. Do you share identity with any of your ocs? Which ones?

Well, I'm not yet completely set in my identity (it's mostly to do with aromantic spectrum and gender identity), but any asexual character has this in common with me (see above).

#shamelessly using edited pictures bc i like them :)#swtor #ask game #verbose-vespertine #oc:bal'sara #oc:xaele #oc:kyira #tagging those who were mentioned #oc:myk tispe #oc:rykeer #oc:shailla #oc:drechard #oc:auletta #oc:lorrena #oc:jett #oc:jaria

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