#because she has needed multiple surgeries much later in life

[papaver-decervicatus]

Headcanons- König (featuring a bit of Sebastian Krueger)

Authors Note: Full disclosure, at this point König is basically an OC of mine with how specifically I think of him. Which, in fairness, cannot be helped when his entire characterization is limited to 20 mins of voice lines, 131 words in his bio, and multiplayer animations exclusively. I feel similarly about a lot of the other SpecGru/KorTac operators but König is definetely the most fleshed out because I've been writing a lot about him (at this point, like 30k words extended universe thing whoo-ee.)

A tag for the lovely @kneelingshadowsalome who has inspired me to write the above mentioned story and all this silly little world building about one of our favorite masked murder men~! Thanks for being so kind and pushing me to publish my work after so long ❣️

⚠️TW: Mentions of abuse, murder, undiagnosed mental struggles, ableism (?), sexual assault, and human trafficking

Birthday, March 15th, 1982

Full name: Julius Kilgore Doss

Early Life and Backstory

Born and raised in the slums of Vienna, Austria to a poor family. His father was frequently unemployed but focused on manual labor jobs (he was also like 6'10 like his son,) and his mother worked various hospitality jobs.

He gets his first name from being born on the Ides of March.

Teasingly called “Kaiser” as a child for his name. This resulted in a minor obsession with Roman history in an attempt to disprove these accusations. That failed.

Result of a “baby trap” from his father. His parents got married when he was 3 years old.

He is an only child, and he was an incredibly complicated pregnancy. His mother was on bed rest for two trimesters.

He was born with a pretty severe cleft palette, this was the original cause of his bullying

When König was 12 or so he got his cleft palate surgically corrected, but he got permanent scarring from the event. 

This did not help his bullying. The site became infected and required multiple follow-up surgeries to correct. 

He was severely abused by his father, who would frequently intentionally scar König in an attempt to “toughen” his “shy” son up. 

The behaviors he was trying to correct were just König’s undiagnosed neurodivergence and the abuse did nothing but make König retreat further into himself. 

Undiagnosed au/dhd. Primarily manifests in masking in a need of control of his environment.

As much as he desires company, he has such a hard time relating to others (not because he lacks empathy, but he experiences it differently) he tends to be a loner save a few very close loved ones. 

Sebastian Krueger is his mother’s brother’s son. Krueger's father was in the military. 

Originally joined the military to get away from his hell of home life at Krueger's father's recommendation. Has re-enlisted ever since.

König is 3 years older than Krueger (March 29th, 1985)  and the two grew up together.

Krueger also had a little sister but she died in a car accident at 11 along with his mom. From then on, Krueger's father, König’s mother, and father, Krueger and König all lived in a medium-sized flat in Vienna. The two shared bedrooms often. 

Krueger was well known as a serial delinquent and general creep when they were growing up. Despite his harsh reputation, König always stood up for him (which did not help his bullying). The only time he didn’t was when he beat Krueger to a bloody pulp for attempting to assault a girl. 

Krueger never attempted that again and later thanked König reluctantly for setting him straight before he did something really stupid. 

Krueger never stood up for König in front of his face for fear of showing weakness but definitely threw some punches behind his back in his stead (which further isolated König). 

When he was 19 and came back from his first deployment, Krueger's father had a mental break and lit the flat on fire after murdering König’s father. Krueger was out at the time. 

He got in time to save his mother, but he gained third-degree scars on the right side of his face, cheek, and over a lot of his legs. 

Super insecure about it, and avoids wearing shorts like the plague.

Will never admit it, super fucking glad his dad died. 

Very close with his mother's mother, his Oma. When she got too old to live on her own, she moved in with König’s mom and she gave König her house near Gosau, Austria.

Credits the metal scene as single-handedly saving his life at 13. He went to jump off a bridge and was talked down by a local metal band bass player who was 17 at the time. The two became friends and König joined the metal scene. 

He became sort of a stagehand for local bands and bulked up as a result. Found he liked working out (because people were less likely to make fun of him) so he kept at it. 

Got the nickname “König” from underground bare-knuckle boxing rings. He was scouted at a bar during a fight at 15 (he was 6’3 at the time, and still growing) where he beat up someone for attempting to spike a girl's drink when he was there helping his bass player friend. 

He fought for around 3 years on and off and never lost a fight. He made decent money and learned a lot of stuff about sparring in the process. 

He didn’t stop his tendency for fighting in the service and got reprimanded a couple of times for picking fights with soldiers he disagreed with. 

Has yet to lose a one-on-one spar with another man, but hasn’t fought anyone outside of training sparring in years.

Appearance

6’10 and 280lbs at his peak, trapezoid body type. Athleticism most resembles a Hockey Player or a Boxer. Has lost some musculature with age but definitely stays on top of it.

His face is partially numb because of all the surgeries to correct his cleft palate and all the scarring.

 Even though it’s been years since any trauma to the area, he has sort of a “disquieting effect” because he doesn’t emote properly from the numbness. Mostly just numb around the bottom of his “Greek-style” nose and through his burn scars. Smiles appear lopsided as a result

Strawberry blond, pin-straight hair, that gets darker when he’s deployed because the hood blocks sunlight bleaching. 

As a teenager he let it grow down to his shoulders because he was involved in the local Vienna metal scene, when he joined the military he cut it short. Doesn’t care because no one sees it anyways. It’s usually in a crew-cut style. 

Hair has thinned as he's gotten older, will probably bald at some point (but I hold onto hope that that one person on twitter who teased that his model does actually have hair is right because I think it would be funny for him to have an elaborate braid or something)

He has bunny teeth that he never bothered getting corrected because he was bullied so badly he kind of gave up on vanity. 

Has stretch marks all over his body because he’s so massive, they tend to act up during the winter. 

He is not vain enough to do anything about them besides moisturizing when needed. 

Generally does the bare minimum extra besides keeping himself clean. 

Uses generic military-grade laundry soap, generic antiperspirant, and unscented lotion, but he does use spruce-scented aftershave and tea tree shampoo. 

Likes having facial hair, but rarely gets to. 

Plenty of Freckles, beauty marks, moles, etc. beige cool-toned skin otherwise. 

Has various tattoos but no piercings. Tattoos include

Skull with a crown on his left shoulder

Trash polka war scene sleeve on his right arm through the shoulder. 

Bleeding Laurel crown on his sternum

Dagger at the base of his neck 

Various basic things like a lion, some roses, a couple of guns

Does not wear the hood when not on duty, it was originally a last minute addition to his uniform for anonymity when in the field working with terrorists.

General

Blood type is AB+

Contrary to popular belief, is not shy so much as he is awkward. Has built up a sarcastic, cocky, and harsh persona to avoid (what is in his mind) inevitable heartbreak and betrayal by those closest to him. 

Genuinely cocky. He believes his own hype on that front. 

Actually, a big teddy bear but, next to nobody gets close enough to him to find that out. 

He (probably) has ADHD that manifests in nervous movement. 

Never got tested, never will. 

Struggles with anxiety that leads to depression, but the military was decently good for his mental health because of the strict scheduling and forced camaraderie.

Does not have a temper problem as much as he has an impulse problem. He doesn’t get into fights because he’s angry, he gets into fights because he’s a cocky bastard who knows he’ll win and he wants to speed up the process of others leaving him alone/deferring to his plans

The big difference between König and Krueger is that König wants control over his surroundings and others to be comfortable, and Krueger wants others to be uncomfortable and he wants control over others and he doesn’t care about his surroundings.  

König mostly wants to throw his weight around to get left on his own, and Krueger wants to manipulate others to do his bidding. 

König would solve an ethical disagreement by explaining himself until he came to blows with the other party. 

Krueger would go behind their back once he knew he wasn’t going to get his way, but wouldn’t result in physical violence immediately. 

Krueger needs other people to feel powerful and in control; he doesn’t really believe that he has an equal or a superior. He thinks in terms of leverage and power. 

König feels less powerful and in control when he has a ton of other people in the mix: he doesn’t like the unknown variable of a possible weak link. He thinks in terms of self-sufficiency and sacrifice. 

Wanted to be a sniper because the position is a solitary one, he wants to be put in positions where he doesn’t have to trust other people because he simply does not trust other people 

He is a really good shot

Often Times gets into little skirmishes with snipers because of jealousy 

Another reason he couldn’t be a sniper was his red/green colorblindness. It’s moderate to severe. 

He is a people watcher, he is genuinely concerned with the people around him. Will remember even the smallest details if he’s close to someone (which is a hard position to earn.)

Has a very duplicitous way about him. Cunning, ruthless, and bloodthirsty on the field but in reality he’s a very agitated, demure sort of guy off the clock, especially in crowds.

 Gets his “berserker” energy out on the battlefield. Is typically much more relaxed in “civilian” life or when in leadership positions. 

Chronically the instructor who starts off making every recruit shit themselves but becomes a base favorite after basic training when he opens up and shreds a bass solo at drunk karaoke night

He hates civilian life for more than 6 months at a time. If he has to go much longer than that without doing something related to field work he gets incredibly antsy and like. Decides to build a whole ass barn on his property from scratch because he always has to have something to do. 

Was promoted to Colonel incredibly young (32) for the position due to his exemplary ability as an insertions specialist and as a leader. Never attempted a rank above it because of forced retirement requirements. 

The only reason I can personally see my version of König in KorTac is because somewhere along the line he fucked up and was either going to be forcibly retired or put out of active combat in the Austrian Special Forces. 

You don’t become a Colonel in the military for fun and desert for merc work, and shitty merc work at that. 

More than likely I think he was supposed to retire and that made him have a midlife crisis because König doesn’t see himself as a person, he sees himself as a soldier. Without the army, he’s nothing. He needs that stability, that outlet, that free pass at total carnage- so when the army told him he had to call it quits, he “retired” and went to KorTac under the specific condition that his name not get used for fear of tarnishing the Austrian special forces. 

Not a particularly big “Austrian culture” nut but he has his moments. 

Prefers Austrian foods that he grew up with, likes beer a lot (and has gotten drunk only once in his life because he’s. Fuckoff massive,) and doesn’t care about culture/history all that much. 

He more or less just finds comfort in stuff that reminds him of the happier parts of his childhood, mostly the mountains. 

König considers himself “traditional” in the sense that he doesn’t believe women should be on the front lines of combat. If he has to attack an enemy woman, he much prefers it to be with a gun at long range. 

Doesn’t necessarily think of women as “lesser” instead he firmly believes that they are superior to men because they are better humans, less violent, etc. 

The number one hatred in life is men who are sex traffickers. 

Hatred was acquired from his work.

Has had various stints in therapy because of what he’s seen.

Fond memories of the house he inherited from his Oma It’s where he lives when not deployed. 

He also has a decently expensive townhouse in Vienna, mostly from when he was a colonel and he needed to be close to Vienna for work-related reasons. 

Has a shitton of money from his work that he just doesn’t spend on anything. Drives a shitty car, and inherited a nice house, he doesn’t have anything to spend it on so he ends up giving most of it to his mom, grandma, and local charities. Still always has a ton left over. 

Is a lumberjack and carpenter for hobbies, and built most of the furniture in the house. 

Very much enjoys the alpine lifestyle. Hunts his own game, leatherworks, the whole nine yards. 

This bitch cannot draw. Stick figures that look like marks dogs made with pens in their teeth. Awful, awful, awful at drawing. 

Very much an “audio person” who can remember anything he’s heard but has sort of a terrible sight memory. 

His handwriting is so bad it puts 6-year-olds to shame. 

Not overly religious, but believes in god, more as a “wow. What a sicko. Makin everything then fucking it up” sort of way. Prays on occasion. 

Doesn’t watch tv or movies. Would rather listen to music, go hiking, or read nonfiction books in his free time. 

Small psychology fascination. He’s read a lot of early psychology essays, he’s the kind of guy who likes to read shit from Freud and go “I’m bad but thank god I’m not this fucked up”

The punchline, of course, is that he is that fucked up.

The most expensive thing he owns (discounting his guns, knives, car, or house) is a custom long-double neck electric bass. 

Her name is Wulkyrie

Extensive custom knife collection. Finds cleaning them soothing. 

His favorite is a Custom Glock Field Knife that is 10 inches long, has a serrated edge on the bottom, and has a red hand chord he wrapped himself. 

Has the engraving of an Edelweiss flower at the base, her name is Kaiserin (empress) 

She is his prized possession. Goes nowhere without it. 

He also has a gun collection. It is much smaller due to firearm restrictions, but he certainly has many more than is necessary. 

Mostly hunting rifles. Probably also has a custom game bow. 

He can handle being a leader, but he does not enjoy it. He hates being under people, too. He is such a good leader, though, because he hates the position and the power that comes with it, so his troops are the most self-sufficient, inventive, and well-trained platoon in the army at any given time. He creates other leaders because he’s a very selfless commander. 

Believes the mark of a great leader is not the willingness to lead, but instead the reluctance to let others get hurt. The only thing he hates more than having someone tell him what to do is letting down someone beneath him. 

He’s taken the fall for many of his subordinates' screw-ups, but he’s an all-or-nothing guy. If you’re not loyal to him, your ass is grass. 

Bonus! Romance HCs (very very very slightly NSFW)

Gave up on dating early in his military career. He had a couple of short-term girlfriends, each he ended upon realizing he probably couldn’t be there for them like they wanted. 

Not sexually inexperienced, but rarely has partners more than once or twice. Has had sex with ten different people in his life tops. 

Simultaneously very badly wants to and is completely terrified of being a father. Should the stars align, he’d want nothing more than to have a full house with a lovely wife and a gaggle of little ones in the Alps. 

Would want a traditional Austrian wedding, especially fond of the “bride stealing” tradition. 

preferably a capable woman he wouldn’t have to worry about leaving in the mountains, would also probably only end up with a pretty extroverted partner who pursued him first.

They fell first, he fell much much much much harder. Admires her from afar for a long time but doesn’t think he’s worthy so he never makes the first move. Once he realizes that she’s not going anywhere and can handle herself, he’s violently loyal. 

Also desperately wants a partner who is less strong than him so he can feel like his strength can be put to good use in protecting them. 

Has a marking fixation, clothing, jewelry, hickies, bruises, cum, etc. 

Anniversary presents include modest but expensive jewelry, knives, tools, and replacement bed frames for the ones that. Got broken. Whoops! 

Love languages are receiving physical touch and words of affirmation. Giving is physical touch and acts of service.

#navigation -> headcanon tag #könig mw2 #könig cod #cod mwii #könig

[bunnakit]

last twilight e8 thoughts, feelings, and tears

ok i cried for like 10 minutes after the episode ended so forgive me if this isn't up to par of what i usually do. apparently i'm fragile today.

there was a lot i liked and didn't like about this scene. in the past we've seen Day cling to the idea that someday he'll see again, that this is all temporary. instead of reiterating that, instead of talking about the cornea transplant, he instead asks "what can i do?" it's such an insanely massive sign of his growth. i'm so fucking proud of him. it made me so fucking emotional because while he's still upset, he's still hurt, he's still angry, he realizes his reality and he's making steps to move forward with that.

what i didn't like about this scene was once again Day's mother acts like Day's life is ending. she's been the number one person to coddle Day and to reassure him of this surgery that may never happen. i know she means well but fuck. this has to stop.

i also fucking hated the doctor for this. Day isn't fucking dying, there's still so much he can do even once his sight is completely gone. sure, he'll have some limitations, i get that. i can't swim in the ocean or rivers anymore. that fucking sucked to learn right before going on my honeymoon to the beach. but you know what i could still do? walk across the beach to the little hidden tide pools, sit on the jagged rocks, and watch the crabs and fish and anemones and everything thrive in this tiny little ecosystem. it was still amazing and something i may not have done if not for my disease keeping me from going in the water.

we're limited by our disabilities but we aren't fucking dead - life goes on around us and we can either participate in it or wallow in our fate. i'll talk about this more later.

you can skip this next paragraph if you don't want to see me babble on another personal anecdote.

i will say i saw a lot of myself in this moment. something similar happened to me a few weeks ago. i learned my disability is no longer responding to the treatments and i'll have to have multiple surgeries next year to close some year old wounds and will probably need some skin grafts. my disease is no longer managed but once again getting worse. when the doctor told me i just nodded and discussed the game plan. meanwhile, my mom was heartbroken and kept asking if there was anything that could be done. (nothing that i'm not already doing.)

sometimes we just have to nod along and accept what's happening. we can cry about it and get pissed later if we have to.

ohhh there's so much i want to talk about here. Day's mom infuriates me, probably because she's the opposite of everything my mother ever was when faced with my disabilities. her constant refusal to address Day's blindness is so painful, as if it's somehow a reflection of him as a person or a stain. it's just a fact of life and her denial is doing so much more to hurt Day than to help him. as much as i hate it, though, it is realistic. it can be so hard for those close to us to acknowledge what's going on, especially when they can't experience it for themselves or they aren't around day to day.

which brings me to the part that frustrates me the most. i'm going to get REALLY personal here.

TW FOR SUICIDE AND MENTAL HEALTH ->

i'll put another message when this little anecdote is over so ya'll can skip to that.

i've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since i was 15. when i was 16 i tried to kill myself. my mom didn't know until last year, but at the time she knew my depression was getting to a concerning level of bad. you know what she did? she quit her job. she made any sacrifice she could to stay home with me and make sure i was safe and felt heard and taken care of. granted, she wasn't a single mother at the time but we also weren't rolling in the money. my dad was a construction worker in the early 2000s when construction work was struggling HARD.

but that's what you do for your kids, that's what you do to take care of them and make them feel heard and loved and cared for unconditionally. my depression and desire to die wasn't a stain on who i was, it was my mind holding me hostage with no way out because they couldn't give me medication until i turned 18.

OKAY IT'S SAFE NOW ->

anyway, where i was going with that is that Day's mom, as a famous chef, clearly makes enough money to take time off work, to be there for her son, to stay home and make him feel loved and cared for. there's likely a lot going on on her end of being a single mother, of feeling like she needs to prove herself and show the world she can do this alone - but her son doesn't have to do it alone just because she wants to. he needs a support system and right now all he has is Mhok.

Day's anger is so real and so justified. he must feel abandoned by his mother, by the one person that should be there to comfort him and keep him safe. her love has become conditional on the state of his eyesight.

and then she tells him he can't go? he's not a fucking child. he's a full grown man and he was just told to do things while he still can see at least a little. i told my mom the exact part of the plot and her response was "well fuck her, he's gotta go." you're god damn right he does, mom.

everything Night does feels like repentance. i need know what the story is, i need to know what caused this massive fissure between them. i don't want to comment or speculate too much but at this point i can no longer condemn Night. he's trying, he's clearly trying so fucking hard, and he clearly has so much love for his brother.

and him giving Mhok money and letting him and Day escape because he knows Day will be happier? i really hope that is a step in the right direction of mending whatever was broken between them. there are only four episodes left and i hope bare minimum half of them deal with what is going on here.

The sea remains the sea. The sand remains the sand. The sky remains the sky. Though I can't see, everything remains the way it is.

and here we are. being diagnosed with a disability is a massive change in our lives, a huge hurdle we have to climb, but at the end of the day the world still turns, life still goes on, and we can either go with it or remain stagnant. this is the culmination of everything Mhok has shown Day. Mhok has constantly brought Day out to participate in life, to learn how to navigate the world that remains unchanged. while Day's world has changed it remains the same in so many ways. this is such a beautiful moment of acceptance and peace, of healing and moving past the hurt. once again, i am so proud of Day.

he's going to be okay.

i've seen others mention it but fuck this once again drove home how soft and caring Mhok is, something that's been so constant in this episode from his willingness to help Day, to the keychains, to the escape, and now this. this little act of asking for permission, of giving Day permission, of almost asking Day 'will you kiss me?' and then Day does. Day gives Mhok the first kiss initiated by him. until now it's always been Mhok but this time Day reaches out to Mhok in this gritty, sand filled kiss. (disgusting but still lovely)

and this really drove home how safe Day feels with Mhok. they're somewhere completely new and unpredictable but he suggests they drink and participate in the party - and i love that he doesn't ask for permission but rather says 'why not?' because Mhok has never made him feel like he needs to ask for things, not things he's fully capable of deciding for himself.

and they do! they act like the young adults they are and have an amazing night of just fun and laughter and love and i fucking love that for them. how many times have we seen Day get to act his age and be carefree? it's remarkably telling how free Day feels the further he gets from home, how free his love is when he isn't worried about his family. when he's away from home Day really becomes the sun.

(also i think i might make shirts like this with my husband as a fun activity because that's really cute.)

i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm fine. (i'm lying.) the amount of love they have from here on is almost palpable. the fact that Mhok takes the time to tell Day he looks good, that he's admiring him. fuck. it makes me think of just a bit before, where we see Day linger with his fingers against the mirror. Day hasn't seen his own reflection in over a year, he has no idea what he looks like anymore. he won't get to see the way age changes him, won't get to see the wrinkles and laugh lines form on his face.

but Mhok will be there to tell him, to say how handsome he is, and without fully seeing Mhok Day will know he is equally as handsome because he knows Mhok's voice, his character, and sure he knows what everyone has said about Mhok's appearance but who he is has always been more important.

and then for them to essentially say their own vows in the light of the setting sun? oh, my loves.

Day is starting a new chapter in the book of his life, a new chapter with Mhok and hope and confidence. he's taking back control and paving his own way and no matter what comes he'll face it head on.

i started crying here and didn't stop, P'Aof please i'm sending you bills not for my therapy but for all the water i have to buy to rehydrate myself from all my tears. once again, fucking hell i'm so proud of Day.

and he tells them to have a kid soon! so he can help raise it!! just like he'll probably help raise Porjai's kid. because he no longer sees himself as incapable, as someone unable to help. Mhok has shown him how capable he is, how much he can still do.

please allow me a moment to - AAAAAAAAA.

personally i cannot wait for all the gifsets we're going to see of this moment. they danced so perfectly together because they know each other. Mhok knows Day better than anyone else, they've gone through so much, and they move so intrinsically together. i'd say they know each other better than anyone else but there's still so much of Mhok left unexplored. there's so much Day still doesn't know, so much pain Mhok is still hiding.

i can't wait for them to truly know each other inside and out (not like that, but hey it looks like we're getting that next ep eeeyy)

i'm not really going to comment on the dad showing up at the end. i feel almost nothing about that, i'm just waiting to see how that turns out and reserving my opinions for now. (i had a shit dad, i'm a little bais.)

man, i'd hoped this would be brief with how raw i was feeling and how busy i am with work but GUESS NOT. thanks for reading as always tag loves: @nutcasewithaknife @benkaaoi @callipigio @infinitelyprecious

#bunn meta #last twilight #last twilight the series #mhokday #morkday #userjamiec

[juliemolinaz]

I'm liking the way that even though both Ha-neul and Jeong-woo are being supportive of one another, Ha-neul is the only one who is letting herself completely receive support.

Jeong-woo has been incredibly supportive of Ha-neul. He's told her that it's okay to stay at rock bottom, that it's okay to be depressed, and that it's not her fault she didn't get the job. He also has helped her start to have fun in her life and not be so focused on work all the time. He also indirectly stood up for Ha-neul to her aunts by telling them all the work they'd need done if they wanted plastic surgery. He's also been supportive of her wants for her career by drunkenly telling her she should upload her resume one and then encouraging her to go through with her decision to go to the job interview even though you could tell he didn't like the possibility of being so far away from her.

Ha-neul has also been supportive of Jeong-woo, but it's been much more limited to support around the case. Ha-neul has told Jeong-woo multiple times that she knows he's innocent and she has spent time finding medical research to help provide evidence of that innocence.

While it may not necessarily look like Ha-neul is giving the same level of support to Jeong-woo that she's getting from it, it's definitely not because Ha-neul doesn't want to. We've definitely seen moments where you can tell that she wants to do or say more, but she recognizes that Jeong-woo is not in a place where he feels like he can truly be emotionally vulnerable with someone. Ha-neul has seen how supposedly important people in Jeong-woo's life in his mother and former best friends have let him down and can get why he doesn't want to truly open up to people. So, Ha-neul is respecting where Jeong-woo is currently at.

I do hope though that we will soon get a conversation between Ha-neul and Jeong-woo where Jeong-woo actually lets himself be emotionally vulnerable with Ha-neul. The episode 5 preview gives the impression that Jeong-woo is going to have some sort of flashback that reminds him of when he tried to save the heiress' life, so it'll be interesting to see if he lets himself be vulnerable then, or if it comes later in the show.

#doctor slump #i really do love this show and good of a healing drama it is #it is funny though that even though people say ha-neul has no social skills she is the one who is wiling to show her emotions

[shootingpuckgoss]

I do wonder how it’s gonna go. I don’t think she has an actual job tbh despite what others say. She has a website (I’m not gonna share it bc her # is on there) but it’s all artsy and stuff. Either she has a job that’s part time that she literally goes to bc she’s bored bc she’s a millionaire she doesn’t need to work.

Anyway I wonder what’s gonna happen bc Jack seems super happy I’m just wondering when/if it all goes to shit. Maybe this summer? I wonder if it’s gonna either go down in the summer or later.

Idk going through surgery is very hard no matter how small the surgery is (not that I’m saying his was small but let’s say compared to knee replacement) so I wonder if they’re going to make it through that or what’s gonna happen. If she’s gonna keep flying out to mich. is he gonna stay here.

Let’s say she does have a full time job like anons say. I don’t think there just gonna let her take a week or so off multiple times during the summer. Jack and sienna broke it off after 8/9 months together bc of long distance

What’s going to happen if she can’t keep going to much. Olivia is a model she can stay in Vancouver weeks/months at a time js.

Anyone have any other opinions or stuff love to hear what y’all think( omg this is so long I’m sorry)

No it’s totally fine anon! I love these long ones they give me so much info - if you’d like to share the website with me privately I’d love that

But I agree, being realistic there’s a point that it is gonna end it’s just a matter of time and how it will happen - because the man is 22 and in the nhl, realistically he still has so much more people to meet in life

Jack seems happy but he does majority of the time and has in previous relationships so I don’t see a difference there for it being something more there Jack is like that with almost any girl I’ve ever seen him with and in no way am I comparing but I’m trying to be real here.

The surgery is questionable too, now it could potentially cause trouble I’d assume with everything and what not but if it’s not this summer it goes down it makes me wonder if it’ll be before the season starts or maybe a little bit after

I feel like distance won’t be a huge problem but it definitely would be other things like the season or it just working out because I just have a feeling. Based off what everyone’s said she’s really not nice and a Zionist + they seem to be moving super fast which never seems to end well… lol

I hope you guys can send in ur opinions on this because it’s interesting

#j.hughes #hockey gossip

[autisticbee]

Just saw your newest posts about Dan Vs so would you mind sharing those I need my daily dose

Of Dan Vs thoughts? Sure. Here's some random thoughts & hcs. got a little long oops (I can't remember how to do read more on mobile...)

- Mr. Mumbles is immortal. why? Who knows, but it's a silly cartoon so I get to hc the cute kitty as immortal, alright?

- I've seen ppl joke about dan vs """cancel culture""" but the thing is, I think he'd be all for it. I think he'd find it funny. I mean the dude has his own version of a call out list.

- Dan has hypermobility (1. He mentioned having a double jointed thumb 2. I have hypermobility and I say so)

- Chris is pansexual but doesn't realize it until later in life, he honestly had just not thought about it too hard & had only had a few relationships prior to getting married kinda young, all with women, until something leads to him realizing his feelings for Dan are not entirely platonic & it's just like. Oh.

- Dan on the other hand is pretty openly bisexual, he has a preference for men(projecting 🤪) but has (... slightly) better luck with women (men are more likely to want to kill him)

- something, that's not a life or death situation that gets magically reset, prompts Elise to tell Chris the truth about her job. because I hate the fucking person can't tell their partner they're a spy/agent/superhero/what the fuck ever trope it Feels Bad Scoob and Chris has expressed sometimes feeling a lack of communication between them in the show which ):

- speaking of Elise finds out Chris is part bear but in like the most casual way possible

Elise: I'm thinking of making Chris see a doctor, he gets sluggish and strangely irritable during winter months which makes me wonder if he might have seasonal depression.

Dan: nah, that's just the bear part of his DNA

Elise: the. the what.

- Dan and Elise both have C-PTSD (I don't think I have to explain why Dan does, Elise's is from basically being trained as a child soldier & just that she's likely experienced many traumatic things during her job), Elise copes with it mildly better than Dan but she's mostly just better at putting up a front of normality

- also Dan is obviously autistic. he's undiagnosed and doesn't realize until he's in his 20s or 30s. The discovery of noise cancelling headphones make his life a little bit easier

- Chris is also neurodivergent in some way but I haven't narrowed down the flavor yet 😭

- Dan is a trans man this is fact in my head I won't accept anything else, I have like tried to work out timelines and shit just to make it all fit within canon(yes I know most ppl just go screw canon but I just like making things work within it, I'm weird like that). I can't decide if he's had top surgery(post-job at the chicken place, hence the funny note about it) or he just naturally had a small chest and testeorone "masculinized"(for lack of a better word) it somewhat (cause I did prior to going on multiple medications that I could sometimes pass as having a flat chest). He doesn't want bottom surgery cause he doesn't see the point (slightly nsfw: "until they can give me synthetic semen and a prostate I'm not interested"). again mostly projecting there lmao

EDIT: in case this wasn't clear, I mean he sees no point in it for himself, not that he thinks nobody should have bottom surgery

- Dan is a closeted romantic. This is hinted at in canon imo, the thing with the anger management lady is clearly a metaphor for wanting more than a fling. Dan seems to take his romantic attraction to people very seriously, like with Hortence despite not interacting with her much. also his face when Honey kissed him. he's just secretly a big sap who wants to be loved

- Dan is a catboy in spirit. I say in spirit because he has no idea what a catboy is but he's just sooo kitty cat coded. knocks things off tables when annoyed. plays with toilet paper. claws and bites. I hc he meows as a stim with Mr. Mumbles sometimes. Also he hisses at people.

- I know what Chris said in the family cruise ep but I like to think Chris does actually think of Dan as family, mayhaps the holding out the hand scene was a acceptance or realisation of that, maybe that's what the thing he was going to say but forgot towards the end was. this isn't even really a buddyshipping thing it's just that me personally if my best friend didn't consider me family I'd want to jump off a cliff(/j) so I can't handle the thought (seriously though what was Chris going to say. It haunts me.)

- I'll end this on a fuzzy feelings self indulgent headcanon. Dan, Chris and Elise(+ Mr. Mumbles) become a weird little family of ther own. Dan and Elise are like frenemies, who share the same partner, but also deep down they care for each other. platonic love/hate relationship <3

#dan vs #vee type dan/chris/elise #long post

[fyodorkitkat]

Do you create ocs? If so, can you describe some?

Yes. I will share two of my OG ocs for the diabolik lovers universe. This was long running, over multiple generations. But these two were the first, and I am copy pasting from my notes file for them. Also I don't have the picrew links anymore sry sry I never planned on sharing this. I might link them back if I can find them later.

Also cw suicide and abuse mentions

June Tsukinami

"Humans can get used to anything. You just need to get through the next minute. Then the next. Then the next. When you look back and see you've made it through an entire year, one more minute doesn't seem so impossible does it? That's how I'm still here, and I've managed to find enjoyment and make friends along the way too. You surely can't find that if you are in the ground." (Addressing Miranda)

26 at the time of her *surgery* (her heart was replaced with a Founders heart by Karlheinz (vampire King) much like Yui in canon, and without her knowledge after she had an operation due to complications from a near lethal bout of pneumonia), 72 at present. She is likely functionally immortal due to what happened to her.

She is the first wife of Carla Tsukinami (First blood/Founder which is the original demon race in the canon universe) (eventually Yui, the canon MC, joins them and later Miranda, the other OC I will share) but started out as a sacrifical bride for the Sakamaki (vampire) family.

She isn't the best person by a longshot, but for the literal demon world she comes off as pretty sweet and benevolent. She absolutely gets slapped in the face by her own choices though. Big fan of giving her lose lose situations and situations where her actions cause direct harm to others and she is forced to not be allowed to ignore that and has to deal with the consequences of it.

Miranda Tsukinami

"I've suffered my entire life and I'm suffering under you. I've lost all my sympathy and my bones are salt, why can't you understand this? Whatever you think you've done for me you have actually done for yourself, it isn't my fault you've stabbed out your own eyes for your abuser and can't see it. Just leave me alone because I won't let you stab out mine too," (Addressing June and Yui)

20 at the time of her abduction by Karlheinz to be a sacrifical bride, 22 when she is abducted from the Sakamaki mansion by the Tsukinamis, 28 at her time of death in the most recent timeline. In every iteration of things including crossover stories she dies. She is the definition of "killing myself in front of you to forever change the trajectory of your life" for June every time.

She is moody and not quiet about it, but she often struggles to express her true feelings, frequently lashing out or being harsh instead of saying what she truly feels. She is negatively affected by the enivornment she is stuck in. She hates it, she is miserable, and she does not want to be there (and eventually she leaves on her own terms).

#ty for the ask #-Lue asks #ask game

[tsukidrama]

please like this post if you read the rant because im literally just screaming into rhe void and i need literally anyone to listen to me right now

the family member i was closest to for most of my life and who basically guided me through being a teenager and coming out just verbally degraded me for 10 minutes using the exact same trigger words that my abusive dad always did.

i typed out what happeneed 3 times in 3 different ways and it only makes me feel worse. there was a point in my life where she was my safe person. she was the person that i could go to whenever i didn't have anyone else to talk to or i felt like no one would listen to me. she has always gone out of her way to offer her home as a safe space for me no matter what has been going on in my life.

very very long story short, my grandma's health is declining because she has heart failure. my aunt does not take care of her own health and has had to undergo emergency surgery 3 times in the past year (2022). she is getting a knee replacement on Monday.

i don't want to give out too much information because of privacy reasons but basically my grandma is in heart failure. she's 79 years old and has a lot of other medical problems that generally make her very high risk in general.

basically my grandma has convinced herself that she absolutely needs to accompany my aunt to her knee surgery. and my aunt is just, letting it happen? even though my aunt has told me multiple times that having grandma in a car for long periods of time is very dangerous for her health. it's the reason i take an 8 hour fucking road trip to see her as often as i can.

all i said was "i gotta say that i'm really worried about grandma coming along with you when you have used the words 'very dangerous' to describe car trips for her."

these are the exact words that i used.

immediately it's like a flip switched. i didn't even have time to breathe before she started shrieking like a banshee telling me that i'm disrespecting her by saying that she can't take care of my grandma and disrespecting my grandma by saying that she can't do what she wants. she kept saying "well i'm sorry that you feel that way" a lot more shit that i'm not going to sit here and upset myself by typing out.

i've been crying on and off for almost 6 hours now. i don't know what i did wrong. i don't know what to do. i want my grandma to be a part of my life but my access to her is entirely through my aunt. i want to talk to my grandma about all of this but my aunt won't let me talk to her. i'm so fucking scared for her and i feel really helpless and triggered about things that happened with my dad.

i dont want to get into it fully but basically my dad lied to my face for years about the status of his health and instructed his doctors to reiterate those lies so i wouldn't find out. two days after my 18th birthday he signed me up as his new medical proxy and continued to lie to me about his health despite forcing me to sign legal documents that would give me power of attorney if he were to go unconscious and i had to make choices for him. i only found out that he was dying when he screamed "you need to do [whatever he was yelling about] because i'm dying!" in my face. he was.

cut to a few years later and i have now developed crippling anxiety when people tell me they're having issues with their health. there will always be a part of me that feels like i'm being lied to, or that someone is either overexaggerating or underexaggerating how bad their illness is to manipulate me. most of the time when i feel like this i can recognize it as anxiety. i really do feel like i've made a lot of progress regarding that, because i know that nobody besides my dad would lie to me like that.

she understood how i felt like the choices that my father made took that relationship away from both of us. everyone else tried to convince me to show my dad sympathy, but my aunt made a point to validate my feelings in that his "out of sight out of mind" mindset was extremely damaging and traumatic for me and my brother.

except for my aunt, now, apparently??? which really fucks me up because she knows how much it damaged me emotionally. our relationship began to deteriorate when i hit my early 20s and it became clear to me that she doesn't even try to take care of HERSELF. she knew her knees were bad but she didn't go to the doctor until she couldn't walk. she knew she had kidney and gall bladder problems but she didn't go to the doctor or attempt to change her diet until she literally went into organ failure and almost died from sepsis. sinks, bathtubs, countertops, lights, the oven. all have broken and she just, did not fix it! she and my grandma washed their hands in the bathtub for months until my brother came to visit and fixed it for her. instead of saying thank you she yelled at him that she didnt need help . just including this to help paint the picture of how bad at managing literally everything is. oh, and there was a week in the Louisiana summer heat where the AC broke and she waited a week before calling someone to fix it. A WEEK. IN THE LOUISIANA SUMMER TIME. A 79 YEAR OLD WOMAN.

now i just feel like. well who the hell is this cunt and what did she do with my aunt? why the fuck is she talking to me like this???? i haven't felt like this since i was a teenager. i'm angry that she feels comfortable putting my grandma's health at risk. i'm horrified by the way that she spoke to me. i'm disgusted that i ever thought it could emotionally connect with someone who is related to my dad.

there are more reasons that we have grown apart (including a recent interest in alt-right conspiracy theories) but overall it was important to me to have a relationship with the people in that house because they're the only one left on that side of the family. so i would bite my tongue because i knew she wasn't actually going to change. she would just brush it off. but it's different when you're letting my grandma put herself at risk. and why? "because grandma wants to come"

well personally i would rather grandma be mad than dead. but apparently expressing this is extremely rude and i am a "nasty little girl that needs to learn her place"

if it wasn't for grandma i would have already gone no contact. it would hurt me a lot to cut them off but i feel the red flags popping up more than ever. aunt won't let my grandma talk to me for more than a minute or two and when i see her in person she won't let me back into her bedroom. i have caught aunt in multiple lies concerning covid safety, hanging around meth users, and an abusive ex-husband of the woman who lives with her (don't even get me started).

it doesn't seem like a possibility for me to stay in my grandma's life when i've gone no contact with her caretaker. all i want to do is talk to her. i don't know what to do. i don't want her to die. she's the only grandparent i have left and i already rarely see her because she lives so far away. all my other family is dead.

it genuinely shocks me how well people can hide their true colors. if this bitch kills my grandma i will never let her forget about it until the day she dies.

#tw death #tw health issues #ugh this is all over the place and barely conherent. theres also missing info that i just do not have the energy to go into detail about #ive been crying on and off for like 6 hours now and the worst part of all of this is that MARS IS AT WORK #so ive been having a mental breakdown all day by myself

[hjellacott]

Tumblr wouldn't let me respond to you so here it goes @oswalish #oswalish since you've blocked me.

"Adamantly". Well all I'm doing is staying in a fandom that has meant a lot to me since I learned to read, that promotes love, respect for people, friendship, standing up for what you believe in, confronting injustice and hatred, and diversity, sending messages such as we're all better because we come in all colours, forms, shapes and sizes, and we're all valuable, special and have a place in history. I know that if any of my money goes to J. K. Rowling, it'll go straight into organisations such as Lumos, which protects institutionalised children and helps them find a forever, or into Beira's Place, which helps victims of sexual abuse, or perhaps into donations Rowling makes to help women in oppressed countries such as Afghanistan to get them lawyers if they've been imprisoned, and be freed and sent back home, or into donations Rowling makes to help Ukrainian refugees, and so on. Or perhaps my money will go to Volant Charitable Trust, which uses its annual budget to combat poverty and social inequality, with a particular emphasis on women and children, and which additionally funds major disaster appeals as the focus of the Trust's international support, or into her regular donations to Medicines Without Borders, or into the money she puts in things like when she helped create Edinburgh University's Centre for Regenerative Medicine, or her donations to Scotland's Multiple Sclerosis Society, or The Anne Rowling Regenerative Neurology Clinic at Edinburgh University. You can read more about her charity work here: https://www.borgenmagazine.com/facts-about-j-k-rowlings-charity-work/ I mean she doesn't have the Order of the Companions of Honour for nothing, she has it because she does so much for so many, and I am very happy to give whatever money I can afford to give to someone that I can trust to put it where she thinks it'll be more necessary, contrary to politicians.

Hogwarts Legacy was a game bought by a dear Jewish relative to me for Christmas (because I wasn't brought-up very religiously and we don't do Hanukkah, but Christmas is more popular where we live). She's elderly and couldn't understand the whole buying it online, so she gave me the money so I could buy it for myself, out of the kindness of her heart, and knowing all the causes Rowling supports and hoping some of my 50 pounds would go into that. And she also did it because she knew my late father, who was such a Harry Potter fan and with whom I bonded over our mutual love for Harry Potter, would've loved to get me the game and remind me of all those days reading Potter together when he was still alive, so she kind of did it for him as well. And I play when I don't work or study, in my few spare hours, knowing some of the money will go into charity, and exploring the world I fell in love with through my dad and thinking about him as I do, which is very especial to me.

People have accused me of being anti-Semitic even though I belong in the Jewish community and actively support it and have gotten into dangerous situations for protecting Jews. People have accused me of being transphobic even though I've been campaigning for transgender rights for the past decade, going to protests and voting and talking to politicians and everything, and am very good friends with several transgender people. But I don't care any more. I know the things I do and the activism that I do and my heart is at peace. And I realise that the people who accuse me of shit without knowing anything are the same ones that do the exact same with Rowling. They accuse her of transphobia because she stated that sex is real and that you can't change biology (which is a medical fact) even though she's supported by plenty of transgender individuals who I've seen speaking out and thanking her for giving them a voice when their own collective is bullying the shit out of them. They accuse her of anti-Semitism because she used goblins in her stories, when 1, goblins are a big part of European folklore (and particularly of Rowling's, since she lives in Scotland, which is one of the places with the strongest links to celtic folklore) and everyone uses them, and 2, even the Jews stand in support of J.K. Rowling.

And additionally, I am not going to let a mob of violent jerks give me any lessons on morality. They're bullying children for linking a fandom or a videogame, making them self-harm and want to die, and telling them to kill themselves for liking Harry Potter. There is no way I'm ever going to stand in support of those people, ever. And they're bullying transgender people as well, particularly detransitioners, and supporting horrible things like transmaxing, or like children having life-changing surgeries without needing to see doctors first to be clear about the impact of it, and when people like me begin trying to inform possibly transgender children that if they have surgery, there really is no going back, and there could be chronic pain and boobs don't grow back, and all those things cannot be fixed later, they call us transphobic as well, even though what we're trying is to make sure people are properly informed before making any decisions.

So yeah, I sleep well at night, my conscience is very calm, and I am baffled at the oppression, aggression and authoritarianism displayed by supposed supporters of the transgender collective. They're behaving like Nazis and trying to give lessons about anti-Semitism. Well, the irony.

#harry potter #oswalish #hogwarts legacy #antisemitism #transphobia #j. k. rowling

[gender-collecting-forest-goblins]

I never realised how hard it is to exist with plurality when our trauma isn't really defined as trauma.

TW:Death, mental health issues, physical issues, self harm, body dysphoria, suicide/suicidality, medical trauma.

So like, nan died when we were five, I don't have many childhood memories, but seb was the first to "exist" other than me. Then there's the bullying and masking of autism, ADHD, and the trauma of having a post alcoholic parent trying to be a parent again. All with the struggle of things a kid shouldn't have to deal with that mom didn't know how to keep away from us, such as money stuff and food issues. We lose marmalade, a beloved family cat. Then we lose Monty her daughter not long after. The memory of her being cradled in my brothers arms as she has a seizure from the stroke and falling down the stairs, forever imprinted on my mind. Skip to a few years later, it's gotten to the point where we don't know how many we are, because our mental health has already reached the point of passive suicidality and everything that goes with it. Age eleven, deciding whether or not to jump into traffic before school. We form a protector with no name, a shadow figure. He later becomes void. The trauma of not knowing if I'm autistic was way more present around that time. It got way worse and then of course, we didn't know that autism was something to consider, we just thought we were broken. Never mind the trans trauma of being plural and a traumatized child with trust issues, seeing people that aren't there and being terrified of losing my "friends in my head". The bullying gets really bad. We realise we're trans. We're in denial. We think "Oh what if we just come out as non-binary?" It doesn't go well. We are severely suicidal at age 13, finally diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Hospitalised multiple times from then on. Everything is blurry. There are times where I can recall the trauma timeline perfectly, but today is not one of them. This is all quite vague but I think the protectors are ok with that. I needed to get this off my chest. Many have come and gone. I still don't know everyone and everything about the system. I don't know if we'll ever be diagnosed as a system. For now, I just want my life to get easier. We are in constant physical pain. We have hypermobile joint spectrum disorder, recently confirmed. Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome is also suspected. We use a walking stick just to get around the house. We can't stand for more than five minutes. We're still masking our system from our family and friends. Mom thinks we have a dissociative disorder of some sort. The trauma is too complicated even for us, to explain to her how "broken" we feel. Being plural with trauma that is probably nowhere near what people would consider enough to form a system is exhausting. It feels invalidating. Like we shouldn't be this way because we weren't sexually abused or groomed or beaten or tortured or something. We have trauma, it should be enough. So this is me, getting this off my chest. I needed to vent. It hurts so goddamn much. I'm always fronting. I never switch out unless something major happens, like if seb triggers a switch for our safety or if Kai is triggered in due to talking about a memory I'm not supposed to know about to keep me safe. I'm always co-fronting with somebody. I barely know who I am, let alone the fact of being plural making it even harder. What I do know is that, my plurality has saved me. Even if I wish sometimes I wasn't plural. Even if sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could remember all of the school trauma and the hospital trips and the self harming and the surgery from when I was a kid to fix my eye that I only sort of know about from void. I'm just tired. The body is always hurt or ill or in pain. We never get a break. We mask constantly. We can't even call ourselves we. It's I or me or single anything. We aren't diagnosed with anything system based or plural based. The only reason I have some knowledge of how our system might work is because of the helpful information from other sysblogs on here. Like the info about p-did and median systems and autism based system stuff. Hopefully, we'll get to a good place mentally. For now, we'll just have to take each day as it comes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it probably doesn't read very well or make much sense. I might redo our system intro at some point. Its kind of outdated now. I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

#autism based system #neurodivergent based system #system #trauma #actually adhd #partial did #grief #transgender #did osdd #plural system #sysblr

[larstoomars]

i have such bittersweet feelings about my hometown. So much of my family, life, and memories are here, i love each of them deeply. my city is big, it sure isn’t small, 12th biggest city in my state. i remember jumping off my play house as a child trying to fly and walking down a broken sidewalk with my friends while hearing sirens and gunshots. i loved to camp, fish, and swim while nearly drowning again and again and eating cold Koegels. Walking around late at night but never alone and location tracking on. Always having a roof over my head but always being afraid of it being taken away from me, by weather, law, nature, or robbery. i finally graduated in 2020 with terrible ending, not even a year later my high school diploma is destroyed by water damage. i have friends everywhere but also if things get rough, i can just as easily start over again here bc the city is big enough for multiple people. it’s not slow and boring like the country and it’s not as bustling with citizens walking, biking, or riding to where they need to get in a big city. it’s the same boring places but somehow the people around me find the most interesting events and things to do. we had the biggest pride our city had seen in june and yet everyday i hear homo and transphobia.

it takes, on average, four generations to get out poverty in the united states, in 2016 the percent was still rising at 45%, now its at 35% but i don’t have hope for it to keep sliding down. two cities in my state are on the list for top 10 poorest cities in the united states.

in 2014 the michigan governor changed my cities water source, killing 12 people. our state government said they would fix the lead pipes, change them out by 2020 in 2017. the programs giving residents bottled water who were affected have stopped at the beginning of 2023. Residents still do not have clean water. technically Flint is under the amount of lead allowed in water federally and state-wise sitting at 9 parts per billion (below requirement of 15 ppb (personally i think it should be zero)) but, consider the following! Water pipes and lines have continuously burst over and over and over again, this has been happening of years, multiple times a year. forcing flint residents unable to drink water, clean, do laundry, be hygienic for days or weeks depending on where or how long the water break is.

my mom tells me things were getting bad in Flint when we moved away when i was 6/7. we moved to New Mexico and only stayed for a year before moving back home, i have mixed feeling about that place too. my best friend past away that year due to a shooting accident with immediate family. details are unimportant but right around then is when family members of my own started to pass away.

while in high school two teachers also passed. one had a heart attack and didn’t come to work so another teacher went to his home to check on him during the school day. everyone found out at the same time at he died, i wasn’t close to him. the other, she had muscular dystrophy, she was in an electric wheelchair and had a working dog, she also worked at the school. she had uterine surgery but there were complications and she didn’t make it.

after a slew of bad news this year, this september, my graduating class lost one of our alumni. his name was Johnny and he had just turned 21. i didn’t actually get to graduate with him because of covid, our ceremony was broken up into four parts in the same day, so i only graduated with a fourth of the 2020 class. i don’t look at high school fondly but, johnny was kind, funny, and smart. he worked so hard to make Flint a better place and prove all sorts of people wrong. He died defending his girlfriend, so many went to his funeral and brought our graduating class back together. to what cost though? his friends and family lost his life, he lost his life. he loved to fish, his favorite color was yellow, his lucky number was 44.

His murder was killed by another man. a couple days after another young man shot and killed at 18 years old. GM strikers were ran over in a hit and run. My dads truck was stolen right out of his driveway. A KFC was ran into by a police officer. A staff member in Flint schools had a ceramic chair thrown at their head and sent to the hospital. Ethan Crumbley, a teenager who killed four in a school shooting may be sentenced to life without parole from Oxford.

so much of my life is here, my memories, my family, biological or not. i always thought i’d move away from here. sometimes i still think i might. im not sure. i don’t know what to do to feel safe. i don’t think there is a safe place for any of us. was there ever?

#ftm #lgbtqia #self love #self care reminder #flint michigan #covid #graduation #safety #gun violence #moving #poverty #flint water crisis #rick synder #grief #loss #healing #time #travel #family #chosen family #morning thoughts #falling asleep is easier than waking up

[maerinhearts]

I need a safe space to talk about something in my life.

TW: Death

In February 2015, my paternal grandmother passed away. A lot of my family assumed my grandfather would follow soon after, but he didn't. I was at college in Pennsylvania when it happened, and my older sister, along with my grandfather, got in the car the very next morning to come pick me up for the funeral. I was very close with my grandmother so that was really hard on me.

In May of 2015, on my 20th birthday, I went to visit my grandfather as I had just gotten home from college and wanted to spend time with him. My grandma always kept track of the birthdays for grandpa, so I didn't expect to get a "Happy Birthday" or anything like that. However, he told me on that day that if shooting himself in the head wasn't a one-way ticket to Hell, he would do it. But he can't, because my grandma is in Heaven and he wants to be with her.

I'm sure you can guess how much that hurt.

I distanced myself pretty far after that without really realizing it. Plus, I have an older brother that I have not spoken to since late 2015 for certain reasons and they always took his side, even though he was in the wrong. That's a story for another day though. I always felt ostracized and like I didn't matter much to that side of my family so I distanced myself even more.

In February of 2019, my paternal aunt revealed that she had Metastatic Breast Cancer, stage 4. It had spread to her lymph nodes, her joints and her lungs. We weren't sure how long she had, but I vowed to spend as much time as I could with her. Then COVID happened. She loved camping. So the summer of 2020, when things started opening back up, I started going camping again so that I could see her. And in October of 2020, she passed away when the cancer spread to her brain. Her death was hard for me, I was very close to her as a child.

In May of 2021, my older sister and i received a phone call that my father was dying. He had Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and had been in a nursing home for 10 years. The nursing home stopped caring for him and he was starving by the time he got to the hospital. He could barely talk anymore, and he was a choke risk. The doctor gave us two choices that my sister and I had to make as his next of kin: permanent feeding tube surgery that he had a 5% chance of surviving or moving him into hospice and letting him die peacefully. We chose hospice. I won't go into full detail about the whole thing as his death was very traumatic for me, but he passed in June of 2021.

My grandfather has disowned me god knows how many times for not talking to him while grieving. And I can't imagine how it must have felt to lose your wife and all your children. But we were grieving too. He said some hateful things to me over the years. But even then, when he got rushed to the hospital on the evening of January 14th, I was worried. And I rushed to the hospital on the 15th to see him. His kidneys were failing and he was actively starving due to a mass partially obstructing his esophagus. He had stopped eating completely because he started choking. But he didn't tell any of us. He was rushed to the ER because my baby cousin found him collapsed on the floor. He got out of the hospital later that week and into a nursing home for physical therapy. But he just kept getting worse and worse....

We rushed him to the ER last Tuesday morning, January 31st. We needed him to have emergency feeding tube surgery. Only to find out that he didn't have long left. It was rough... we didn't get moved to a room in the hospital until 4 AM on the 1st. My sister and I didnt get any sleep that night. And we moved him into Hospice at 3 PM later that day... where we spent the next 4 days with him.

He passed at 1:58 AM this morning, February 5th, and I feel fucking lost. So lost. My dad's entire family is gone, and I'm only 27. His last day of consciousness was spent yelling at me about anything because he wasn't sane anymore. I got yelled at about flowers on the floor (there were no flowers) and I got yelled at for not holding his hand.

I'm so exhausted. I'm tired. I'm tired of the people around me dying. I don't want to go plan his funeral tomorrow. I can't say goodbye to the last living link I had to my father. And it didn't help that the situations were similar and they looked the exact same laying unconscious in that bed...

And no one understands how I feel. My sister and two cousins might, but honestly, none of them have the same views on death as I do and none of them understand any of how I have felt for the last 8 years alone. This fucking sucks. I had to driving home at 3:00 this morning after getting all my stuff packed up. I cried the whole way home. I watched him take his last breath and yet it doesn't feel like any of it has happened at all.

I know that people have probably been through something similar, but I just can't help but wonder why me? I'm just fucking tired...

[kalisama]

I’m Back

 Hey all, 

Sorry I completely ghosted tumblr. I’m not dead, it’s just been a rough couple of years. Feel free to read on if you’re curious.

 I disappeared around the time our dog got cancer. He needed around the clock care for what we thought was going to be a period of recovery, but he continued to decline mentally until he just wasn’t with it anymore. My pets were my babies so that hit me pretty hard. Also found out I was pregnant a month before. There were some early complactions and I ended up on bed rest for a bit. Got carpel tunnel, ended up not being able to do much in the way of art for most of my pregnancy. And then we had a baby girl. And 2 months later the military moved us halfway across the country to a place with no housing available. 😅So we bought a house sight unseen. The day we moved in my dad called to tell me something was wrong with my mom. My mom was in and out of the emergency room multiple times in the following week before ending up in emergency surgery because she almost died, and my very beloved cat suddenly passed away that same week.  All of these things completely overshadowed the fact that I was struggling with PPD. I kept saying I’d be better when there wasn’t so much stress. But I wasn’t. My anxiety was out of control and I wasn’t getting any sleep. And let me tell you, severe anxiety and sleep deprivation is not how you want to enter a global pandemic...My husband got deployed somewhere in there, and things were crap for a long while. Then, when I finally started to feel better my dad unexpectedly passed away…

It’s been a year and a half now since he’s been gone. Most of that time feels like a void. A year and a half of trying to hold my family together while being the solo care giver for my toddler. My mom was not functional for months. I took my daughter and went to live with her in Wisconsin until we could get her back up on her feet. It wasn’t a planned trip. We literally left home the morning after my dad passed, and didn’t return until 5 months later. My family will never be the same, I think everyone of us has had some mental health struggles this past year, but things are slowly getting better. I can see them adapting, evolving around the black hole of grief. Moving forward. In February I decided it was time to start making space for myself again. I’m working my way back to finding those things that I loved before my life became a blur of depression and child raising. My dad loved to see me creating art, and in his last couple of months he would often mention that he was concerned that I had given up on the things that brought me joy. I’ve come to the realization that honoring him doesn’t just mean trying to take care of everyone else’s needs and leaving no time for my own. It’s been a slow process. I’m taking some online art courses and doing art in my free time. Last month my husband gifted me an iPad which has been a total game changer as far as being able to get some creative time in while taking care of our 3 year old.

I sincerely hope to have more art to share with you all in the coming months. I’ll try to remember to update here. I had completely forgotten tumblr existed. I’m generally more active on FB because that’s how I stay connected to family members.  My DA account is still open but not active. I don’t know if I want to return to posting there, but it will certainly remain the home for all my older work. 

[elonmuskfansgossipblog]

Sorry this may be a long, I'm too embarrassed to admit I'm an Elon fan to my friends, so I need a place to rant and organize my thoughts.

I started following Elon a month ago. Has it always been this stressful being an Elon fan?????

I started watching his videos and thought he was inspiring, it seemed like he put humanity before himself and had a drive that was unmatched by anyone.

I was absolutely smitten for a week, and wondered how anyone could hate this man. I was inspired and started working harder than ever to maybe one day work at SpaceX, Tesla or Google. It was a breath of fresh air seeing someone so passionate and it was contagious. I signed up for Python, Machine Learning, and Astrophysics courses online. (i base my personality on the last 5 TV shows I've watched or my current mediocre white boy obsession apparently. maybe i need help.)

Then came the tweets about supporting republicans because of democrat's "woke-mind virus". An intelligent man wouldn't alienate the party which believes in things which are fundamental to the success of his companies such as the climate change crisis and scientific research which will ultimately lead to space travel.

Then came the news of his daughter disowning him. He tweeted "we are simultaneously being told that gender differences do not exist and that genders are so profoundly different that irreversible surgery is the only option" on June 11th 2022. I believe this was tweeted after her court date. It's weird tweeting that knowing your child is trans and her getting her name changed legally. You're basically invalidating her gender identity to a bunch of strangers on twitter.

Then came the week long twitter silence, and photos with the pope. I thought it was in bad taste that he tweeted a picture of his sons and not his daughter (maybe she didn't go, but he never showed any public support of her and then posted pictures of her brothers). It seemed like he was trying to put on a facade of a happy family with 4 children that love him.

Then he randomly posted that picture of Tululah, which is even weirder now. You had a child with your top exec, while your ex-girlfriend was surrogating. Instead of having a part in your multiple newborn children's lives you're out with your 27-year old girlfriend in Saint-Tropez. Then a couple of weeks later you're flirting with your ex-wife on Twitter.

Then as a reply to the news of him having 2 children, he tweets "Doing my best to help the underpopulation crisis." Who are you trying to convince that the deeds you're doing are noble? The people of twitter or yourself.

He tries to play a savior. He acts as if he's sacrificing so much of himself for the betterment of humanity. He's constantly saying "I'm doing all this to preserve human consciousness" but if he really believed in preserving human consciousness he would actually put his companies first. How is anyone going to trust a CEO that has undisclosed relationships and children with their top execs. How is anyone going to trust a CEO that calls divers saving children pedos?

He's human and he's allowed to have a life and he's allowed to be messy. It just seems like his personal life is taking center stage, and the things coming out don't look good. His ambitious projects need fervent supporters, if people start losing faith in him they'll start losing faith in his companies. People don't NEED overpriced EVs with barely functioning software/hardware and they don't NEED space travel.

He can continue to delude himself and believe he's doing all this for humanity, but if he really loved humanity he would be better to the humans that ultimately make up humanity.

It's alot. I know. It's shitty. ❤️

[deepwatercomic]

Updates from the Desk of actual Sorrows

first off, I'd like to thank everyone who responded to my polls. It really did help and I did get some great suggestions from other users. It really feels strange to feel like I have to apologize for being MIA on a blog and website I don't think anyone (besides my husband) reads. Honestly life gets in the way sometimes. And we can't all be on the all the time. We're human, we need rest.

My paternal Grandmother died. She was a wonderful, faithful woman who loved her family fiercely and was a faithful Catholic who died peacefully in her sleep on the feast of Mary's Solemnity- which I think she would have found incredibly fitting. It was a long haul with heart failure and just, well, old age. But I will always remember the blue house dresses she wore, the way her massive cross, scapular and medals would click together when I would hug her, the way the Jasmine and lemon trees in her backyard would smell. She would try to tell jokes, but would start giggling before she could even get through the first sentence, and no one could understand what she was trying to say- but her laughter was so infectious that we couldn't help but laugh along. I do hope that with the march of time I don't forget her French-Canadian accent when she would end every phone call or general conversation with "I'll pray for you." And she meant it. I like think Grandma had a direct phone line to the holy trinity, and was frequently discussing matters with Mother Mary. But she did miss my Grandpa very, very, much. And its my sincere hope is that he was there to hold her hand and lead her into the afterlife.

I sincerely want to thank my Aunts, Uncle and cousins for taking such good care of her so she could spend her last days at home with loved ones. You couldn't ask for better or more adoring care.

To make matters more complicated my dear cat, Loki, has a malignant tumor on his face. It was written off as a sinus issue during his yearly wellness exam, and developed into a horrible abscesses (yes multiple) only a few months later. Thanks to a different vet and a lot of pain meds we have a few more weeks with him. He perked right up as soon as we put him on a schedule of gabapentin! Its like having him back to his (mostly) old self for a little while- Its just a matter of when, not if. Which SUCKS, it absolutely fucking SUCKS to have to make the decision of euthanasia. He was supposed to die in his sleep at twenty after gorging himself on all the tuna and goat cheese his tiny heart desired. But, my little trickster familiar will be at home with us when he goes and that is really, the best outcome in a situation like this.

So its right now after major surgery, with family death, pet sickness that I'm still going to school to complete my Bachelors. (I swear, if I don't do things on hard mode- apparently they're just not worth doing AT ALL.) I mean, obviously Deep Water has been pushed to the back burner- and its frankly, this uncomfortable place for it to be (for me at least). Its a story I had hoped would be done about a year ago. I have other projects that I want to move on to. I would just hate to push through it right now and then look back and hate the end result, realize I could do better. Because it is my story, and it is worth telling. This isn't a group project that has deadline or grade. So I'm going to take a few weeks off here, make sure I'm caught up on my school work and try to aim at posting near the end of May.

I hope to see you then. Until then, have a picture of my Familiar happily sleeping while we were watching Golden Girls in better times. And tell a joke that you can't finish because you're laughing to hard in honor of my grandmother.

#deepwatercomic #deepwater #deepwaterupdate #tw death #tw pet loss #tw pet illness #tw family death #tw family issues #tw cat death #tw catholicism

[gayrogues]

introducing my tavs ^_^ this is probably gonna be long as fuck so

name + pronouns: azimuth, any pronouns

race + class: mephistopheles tiefling bard

romancing: wyll <3 initially, she was just interested in him because he's precisely the kind of hero she would love to write an epic ballad about, but she soon became enamoured by his whimsy and princelike charm. and by "soon" i mean it took approximately a day for her to go from "oh boy, a chance to journey with the famed blade of frontiers!" to "i've only known wyll for a day but if anything happens to him i'm gonna blow this place up". she falls for people incredibly fast, and gets incredibly protective despite being so unequipped for danger!

backstory: semi-popular musician who fell from grace after being involved in some very silly scandal that i haven't come up with the details of yet. despite the bit of fame they used to have, they were quite lonely, never sticking in one place for long and only really having shallow bonds with people. whenever they entered romantic relationships with people, it would start off quick and intense, and then fizzle out a few weeks later once the other person decided that the novelty of dating a star wasn't worth dealing with their obnoxious personality. also they're pink because they drank a fucked up potion once just to see what would happen! they very often do things like that without thinking them through, and the rest of the party is kinda astounded that they've survived this long when they see him eating mindflayer worms and letting volo do eyeball surgery on him

relationships: he's trying sooo hard to be friends with everyone, he's always felt a strong need for people to like him and this is the first time in a while that he's had a solid friend group. other than wyll, he's closest with gale and shadowheart because they've been travelling together the longest, but he also gets along well with karlach. he's been trying so hard to get into laezel's good graces and he's thrilled that he's finally somewhat succeeding. he hasn't interacted with astarion much in-game, but i like to think they're antagonistic with each other in a silly way. annoying sibling kind of dynamic.

name + pronouns: riven, he/him

race + class: drow half-elf fighter

romancing: astarion because i thought it would be funny to try and romance him with a heroic type of character that he hates. the relationship is going surprisingly well!

backstory: OKAY SO. i gave him a demon eye for the vibes but now he has an entire edgy backstory about it! ever since he was young, riven was living that heroic adventurer life, and one day he rescued a drow around his age, a necromancer wizard named oliander. after a series of events, they became friends, and then lovers, and began adventuring together. until one day riven got killed during a mission. oliander was desperate with grief and decided he would stop at nothing to bring him back, properly and not just as a necromancer thrall. (also, i know there are spells and stuff in bg3 that can resurrect people, but i think either 1. he wasn't around when riven died and couldn't get to the body soon enough to revive him or 2. his body got so thoroughly obliterated that he was beyond reviving the normal way. probably #2, because after putting terry's taxidermy and rtrt by milli and annabel raises the dead on oliander's playlist, i was like hmmmmm.)

so oliander started experimenting with dark forbidden magic, trying to find a way to bring him back. i also think there were multiple failed experiments where he succeeded but only for like a minute, with horrifying results that actually had him relieved it didn't stick. one day, he finally managed to perfect his methods and bring riven back as his actual fleshy self, but his victory was short-lived as this pissed off kiaransalee, the drow goddess of the undead. she basically piloted riven's body for a moment and made him murder oliander, and since drow goddesses love being fucked up and cruel, she was like "okay you know what, this guy did go through all that effort to bring you back, so you can live. but once you die you're back in my territory and i'm gonna use you as an undead pawn for evil purposes forever."

20+ years later, riven is still out there trying to be a hero so that he can use his second chance at life to keep doing good in the world, and also to try and make up for what he will one day become. and that's the story of this guy who was originally designed as a geralt of rivia knockoff!

relationships: he's always had somewhat of a difficult time connecting with other people, so aside from astarion, he's only really close with wyll and karlach, the most good-aligned characters in the group. he especially sees a lot of his past self in wyll, and he's determined to try and get him out of his pact with mizora because he deserves a better future than that. he also respects that karlach won't go back to avernus to save herself*, because he's like, yeah i get it it's better to die on your own terms sometimes. he also has a lot of respect for jaheira.

*note: i'm still on act 2 idk if it's actually the good option to try and convince her to go there

#there's also flamberge my dark urge character but i haven't gotten very far with him yet #yet he has a longer character playlist than either of them lmaoo #he's coyote-coded he's a lesbian who's in a doomed relationship with minthara i think he's a little bit inspired by alexia from titane #which. whuh oh!!! #ransom.txt #oc: azimuth #oc: riven

[temporarymoods]

taking care

Hi blog, don't think I've forgotten about you! I've just been so busy, and then I got sick, even though I didn't want to admit that I was under the weather at first. Now I'm waiting for my period to come, and every month it's so tantalizing. There's this very parade-y buildup, I mean the PMS is quite rough, and it all starts like 7-10 days beforehand, but then just as it's supposed to crest, everything stops. There's a calm before the storm, which without fail has me begging for it all to hit me already!! Part of my eagerness has to come from the fact that I am more prepared than the army for such an onslaught of destruction. Think of a way of collecting period "blood"--- guarantee you I have it, in its most organic form no less. Tampons? Check, with clean cotton. Pads? Multiple kinds, with magic powers. Cup? Yup. Technical underwear? They're actually great, and I own three pairs. I guess every month I just go rando with my method. Maybe switch it up on day 3 (definitely, actually.) My old therapist, the one who was a bit too woo, told me that your period is a gift, in a way: Built-in self-care time, or rather a cleansing, a purging, when deep covered 'stuff' can come to the surface, and you can solve it. I think she thought that cramps were the direct consequence of emotional/spiritual turmoil which was on the sufferer to figure out. Safe to say I haven't taken that last one with me, but the rest sticks, kinda. The idea that you can make something out of once-nothing is not lost on me, as we know. So, being able to ceremonify your period, yeah sure, I'm there. Definitely, actually. Rituals! Greater understanding! Problems and solutions! All make for quite a nice moment. Plus, even though so much about my period does fucking suck, and that's for me, privileged white lady, it means my body's working, and that's not just a given. I remember after my surgery when everything kinda started going again like a system reset, I got my first period a couple of months later. Overjoyed because it meant I was finally normal and healthy and on track with my life, as opposed to fallen off in a ditch, where I had been for too long. This history certainly informs my current affinity for my period--- and, not the be forgotten, the joy not being pregnant :) So, like every other fourth week, I'm kind of looking forward to the spectacle.

Meaning-making is like sticking your hands in a sandbox. Or more like fetching water nearby to make the world malleable under your touch.

Coziness, fuzziness... I've taken these things for granted. I appreciate nmte (now more than ever) the stereotypical, tropey acts such as wearing slippers. "It's what women do," I've known for a long time. But I never felt like them. I've always struggled with leaning into an under-blanket kind of night. But I get it now. And I should really be embracing it more-- being in bed, wearing thick socks, living in sweats. Maybe I'm tired. But you don't need to be exhausted to rest. And resting, squeezing that orange of living for a drop of sweetness, what more could we be here for?

I desire more sweaters. I'm going to a fall festival at a farm soon; it will surely be the highlight of my month. This peach tea I'm currently sipping is very nice. My apple candle is bright smelling and perfect. I love that I get to sleep, and dream (so I can wake up and realize it is not real.) One of my dear friends is flying to visit for the long weekend. Tomorrow I'm going to a new cafe, which I've managed to make a habit of. Schoolwork is tough, but it will be over soon, and my everyday will blossom better. I owe some texts to my mom. The air was warming tonight. A newly discovered sustainable fashion brand had a great sale; a package will be arriving soon. There's a list of movies I'd like to watch this month, when I've got time in between open markets and thrifting. I've been asked on a date, but nervous to respond. The silhouettes of my room decor reflects how much I care about this bedroom setting, bringing me peace. I'm glad I got to blog again, even if it feels overwhelming. Hopefully my Depop listings will reach the right people.

What would be the first step in securing safe absences for those dealing with menstrual pain, really, where would we even start? I'd love to get some acquaintances around and discuss this. How would I do that?

Haha, Kate

p.s. brain noisy, pillow time

#menstrual cycle #october #foryourconsideration #comfort #autumn air #wheretheleavesat