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Beginner’s guide to wlw dating

If you’re a woman who’s never tried dating the same sex before, the wlw (women-loving-women) dating scene can be really intimidating. I know when I first deconstructed my old, conservative religious beliefs and opened up my dating apps to women, it was pretty nerve-wracking! I was excited and curious, but I really had no idea what I was doing. It took me a while to find my feet, so be patient with yourself. There’s no need to rush!

Dating men can often seem much more straightforward, especially at the start, because the gender roles are more clearly laid out - so it’s easier to know what’s expected. Men are still largely expected to ask women out and take the initiative, so as women we don’t have to stick our neck out and risk rejection as much. Not to mention men are generally far less selective than women, at least in the initial stages of matching online and going on dates. Finding casual sex with a man is typically much easier and quicker than finding casual sex with a woman, as well.

That said, there are many advantages to dating women. Women are far less likely to slut shame or devalue another woman for having sex early on, and engaging in casual or ethically non-monogamous/polyamorous relationships. Casual sex with women is typically safer as well - there’s less risk of assault, catching STIs, and no risk of pregnancy. Taking initiative with a man might be seen as desperate or too masculine, while taking initiative with a woman is more likely to be seen as confident and assertive.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and need some guidance, here are some tips to get you started!

1. Don't be afraid to take the initiative. Many women won't make the first move, so you'll probably have to ask them out and initiate physically. I generally find the rule of three is a good rule of thumb - ask someone out on a date three times, then step back to see if the other person reciprocates.

This can be helpful when asking questions on apps during the texting stage too. Try asking questions three times in a row, then pause to see if the other person asks you anything. While people have different conversational styles - and some people don't like asking lots of questions - it can give you an idea of whether the person is curious and interested in you.

2. Women tend to be more subtle and cautious when flirting too, so it may be harder to detect. If you meet a woman in public, it’s likely she will just assume you’re straight, unless you meet at a LGBT-themed event or dress in a way to make it really obvious you are into women (e.g. wearing pride themed accessories). 

If in doubt, be direct, as most people have a hard time detecting flirting accurately anyway. Not to mention, many people just flirt for fun and for an ego boost, so it’s best to communicate clearly and openly if you are genuinely interested.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask direct questions like, what are you looking for on here? Also don’t be afraid to ask if the person is single or married, and whether they are seeking a monogamous or ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationship. There’s a fairly high number of unicorn hunters in the wlw dating pool - couples seeking women for MFF threesomes or triads - so it’s important to screen them out if it’s not your thing.

Also, stay alert for people catfishing. If you’re unsure, insist on a voice or video chat before meeting in person. Make sure you meet in a safe, public place, and let someone know where and when you are going. 

4. You won't get as many likes and matches from women as men, so don't take it personally. It doesn’t mean you’re unattractive or undesirable! There's way more men on apps than women, and men are far less picky as a rule (at least when it comes to having sex - men may be more choosy when it comes to commitment and marriage). Not to mention, statistically LGBT women are a small minority compared to cishet men. 

5. I recommend the dating apps HER and LEX to start off with, if you're looking for LGBT-specific apps. However, plenty of lesbian, bi and queer women also use the mainstream apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and OkCupid. As well as that, there’s a few subreddits specifically aimed at LGBT women, including r/lesbianr4r and r/l4l and r/meetLGBT.

6. Try attending local LGBT-themed events and meetups. You could start with Meetup.com, but I find a large number of local events are primarily advertised via Facebook. I would recommend joining local LGBT Facebook groups to find out more about social activities in your area. Volunteering can be a great way to get to know new people as well, so check out any local volunteer opportunities.

Further Resources:

It can be helpful to familiarise yourself with common slang in the LGBT community. The HER app website has a great glossary here: The Official Lesbian Slang Glossary from HER

I'd recommend this website for some great resources - if you scroll down to the bottom of the page, you can find some free video classes and workshops: Conscious Girlfriend Academy

Autostraddle has some great articles to get you started too: How to Be a Girl Who Dates Girls: Your Lesbian Dating 101 Syllabus 

Check out this page for safe sex tips with women: Figuring Out How to be a Lesbian Safer Sexpert  

Best of luck!

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