#bleh im just rambling

[freakurodani]

indescribable frustration

#sugawara koushi #koushi sugawara #hq!! #haikyu!! #haikyuu!! #karasuno #conspiracy lvl: art #i just wanted do DRAW smth #want to be okay posting looser stuff #stuff that isn't perfect #bc i cant get in the headspace for finished rn #and its stifling me #bleh im just rambling

[harukapologist]

rambling about Haruka

As an ND person I just hate how Haruka's character is either completely infantilized or reduced to a selfish, evil murderer, when, to me, he is so much more than that.

Especially the latter; I hate when any MILGRAM character is called evil because what's the point of MILGRAM, then? They're all morally grey! That's how they test us. But Haruka in particular because I feel like it comes from a place of ableism, intentional or not.

I'm not sure if I should put TWs, but well I talk about ableism, murder (obviously lol), childhood trauma and well... it's Haruka

Haruka's outburst in the VD and his implication of killing animals (I know it's basically canon but erm... i can explain why I think it's an implication later) (i just finished writing the post and actually i explained why at the bottom of the post but its not a full explanation so lol) are the reasons I see people calling him either evil or childlike, and while I do think that Haruka is stuck in a childlike state in some aspects, this is emotional dysregulation of an ND and/or traumatized person, to me.

The uglier sides of being ND/traumatized, the ones that get heavily stigmatized and seen as intentional or evil; I think this was a display of one of them. And I really wish to see more people focusing on Haruka's disability in the ways it can affect his communication and day-to-day life skills more than "oh, poor baby, he has a disability that makes him feel unwanted" without actually understanding the details of the disability and, well, the reason why it is a disability.

Like, the emotional dysregulation that comes with being autistic, which is my headcanon for him. The hyperempathy and literal thinking that might make him harder to communicate with, and get people frustrated with him more often.

That and being severely neglected; I think neglect is one of the lesser discussed forms of childhood trauma and the fact that Haruka was shown to be neglected as well as abuse really means a lot to me, because I think some people don't quite understand just how much neglect and isolation fucks you up.

All those factors combined are a recipe for an unstable, impulsive, clingy shell of a human, and him getting called evil for that really saddens me. It's important to remember that these MVs are extracted from the prisoners' own memories and thoughts. It comes from their perception of their surroundings, their murders, and their own selves. The manic look that Haruka has on his face for a lot of AKAA, for example. The makeshift shirt he's wearing, as if he's desperately trying to sew himself together into a normal person, the exhausted, frustrated look when he picks up the necklace, it's important to remember that this is how he sees himself. A monster who has lost control of himself. The line "I'll keep killing to be your good boy" was a shock, but the way he meekly apologized to Es at the end of his VD, I really think that shows that he feels guilty, that he wants to convince himself more than anyone that he was a good person, that he was really trying to be one despite how his unlucky life frustrated him to his breaking point.

As for his infantilization, it has already been addressed by many thoughtful members of the fandom and I'm grateful to see that, but I also want to say it myself since god knows I hate being patronized.

It feels very ableist saying he's just "someone stuck in a childlike mindset/age regressor" Yes, and how does age regression as a coping mechanism develop? Usually through prior trauma that makes you "stuck" at said age, and that can present differently. It can be longing and yearning for a simpler time, for an actual happy childhood, or having flashbacks to a traumatic event that happened at a certain age; it is not uncommon for trauma survivors to be "frozen" at the age their trauma took place.

I think both of these are the case for Haruka. Frozen at that moment, but trying to reduce himself to nothing but a little, unaware child to avoid reliving it again, relishing in the innocence and purity of his good younger times (emphasis on purity--Haruka's murder was by strangulation, yet there's a shot in AKAA where he's covered in blood. I know it's after he killed the animals, but he's in the stitched-together outfit here; I think there's more to this MV than just killing the animals. Since this outfit is... not very likely to be worn in reality, did the animal killing happen at all? Even if it did, I think this shot remains an indicator that he sees himself as impure; guilty. I have a LOT to say about the inconsistencies in Haruka's MVs, but I'll save that for later... Anyway, back on topic) It is NOT "having the mental capacity of a child, so being unable to date etc." Haruka has still lived 17 years, maybe even more, since he isn't too interested in remembering his age. How do you treat actual neurodivergent people if this is how you see him?

When I rewatch the MVs, relisten to the VDs, reread the interrogations and timelines, I see no evil, just an incredibly broken, misunderstood person.

#please excuse any inconsistencies or spelling mistakes its almost 5am ive been awake all night lmaooo #im open to discussion but pls be nice :( #im a relatively new milgram fan (got into it just when ILY MV came out—got hyperfixated oct/nov) so please inform me if I say anything wrong #i love haruka so so much aaugh #i will defend him till my last breath #milgram #sakurai haruka #milgram project #haruka sakurai #jay rambles bleh idk #should i even tag this #i feel so scared to share my thoughts on the milgram prisoners AAA i hope everything makes sense

[spiderton]

gong being aroace is a hc im liking a lot. i think mainly bc i cant really imagine him being in any sort of romantic relationships for long (also he probably values friendship and family over that. who knows)

#just me rambling bc im allo so. bleh

[boopboops22]

Little vent below cut

Not to be a bigass downer on main or anything but yall. I just had a mental breakdown and a horrendous conversation with my father and just like. Fuck man!!!! This sucks!!!!! Some trauma stuff got recontexulized and like idk. I don't have any specific thoughts I'm just so overwhelmed and angry and sad. Ignoring shit for now tho by rewatching Good Omens <3

#vent #I love gomens so much its so fun aaaaaahhrhr #just finshed the first ep and I love noticing all the little things I didnt think too hard abt #uhghgg dude. Life is such a bummer rn #im sick on top of disability snd period and now im having to Deal With Shit #mannnnnn. bleh #shit sucks but autism joy and whimsy allows escape so woohoo #tho tomorrow im going to be home alone sick while my entie household leaves for a family thing. sigh #the agones persist #rambles

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

disabled folks should get a tenner for every damn time a "community event" like pride has absolutely no accessibility information anywhere.

#kai rambles #ableism #like im sorry but if youre holding a pride event #you need to have accessibility information available #i shouldnt have to email you to ask #really feels like a community mate #when you just fucking forget about us when youre planning our your event #its so fucking annoying #like are we not fucking queer enough for you? #or do you just not like us because we're the weird ones who stick out and arent normal #and you want the cishets to accept you so hard uwu and we're in your way #bleh

[newtness532]

nothing will ruin a girls mood faster than finding a moldy berry in the berries she just bought

#i rarely buy blueberries bc they grow mold in milliseconds but i saw them today and they looked nice and it was a small packet so i was like #sure i'll buy them and I'll just eat them now #and i was washing them getting excited about eating them and after i decided they looked clean enough i saw one on the bottom that was moldy #so now i wont be eating blueberries and im sad #i should have gotten strawberries instead. they looked fresh enough today #anyway gonna go cry while eating my bleh but not moldy banana #jo says stuff #personal ramblings

[pawubits]

just got such a good idea for a drawing but its for the early days of qsmp uURFHRGJ MAN. why didnt i get these ideas BACK THEN!!!! why nowwww T__T

#pawu talks #maybe i'll just draw it too but bleh who knows its like before regret arc qcellbit and i rlly like the idea but i just KNOW #i know nobody will rlly pay any attention to it so sigh #and i knowwwwww that i have to “make art for myself” but im a fanartist not an artist yknow i have never drawn for “”“myself”“” #but these fanarts *are* for myself. its just. its hard to make fanart just for yourself bc i feel like half of the enjoyment of fanart is #seeing the community like ur stuff and discuss and just. have fun.but i cant do that on my own!! idk im just rambling now ahjfkdshkfklsd :'

[be-good-to-bugs]

2023 / oh to be such a lesbian that your crush turns into a god and changes the laws of the universe itself in order to change your fate. meduka meguka you truly are like no other.

#madoka magica #pmmm #madoka kaname #magical girl #puella magi madoka magica #fanart #orbs art #anyway. these were quick lazy stuff but im very happy with them. trying very hard to change how i draw #i need to be more chill and silly about it. feeling to stiff and bleh about drawing lately. this was v good for me #i had wanted to shade this but itd take so much effort to shade the lineless and the lined its not really worth it #i think it looks good as is and ik id just get bored and then never finish this drawing ever if i tried to shade it #anyway. just rewatched this show and. its so good. it like. changed something in me when i first watched it 6 years ago #and not exaggerating. i have though about this show almost every single day since then. my brain ran with the whole concept #thats good though. its been 1 of 2 main focuses since i was 11. it means a whole lot to me. when i finally learned of and watched rebellion #my little brain was ecstatic. i hadnt felt joy love and inspiration like that in such a long time and i havent since. #idk. its my only main special interest that wasnt tainted by others thinking it was stupid. hell even my mo watched the show and loved it #anyway ill stop talking now uh. its 6am and im rambling. not that i wouldnt do that at 6pm too

[kaseyskat]

i was gonna try and speedrun the second perfectly regular fic today but then i got blasted with cramps and brainfog and suddenly its 7pm and ive done absolutely nothing except cry about fictional characters and stew in the Bad Brain Sauce which is so unfair

#kasey rambles #gonna get a bit venty in the tags #i am like. hormones fucking SUCK man #because sometimes i am just sitting here wondering if people i care about dislike me now... normal oak core for realsies #and my period cramps are sooo bad the first couple of days like i can barely move even WITH painkillers let alone once they wear off #i was gonna be so productive today too :( was gonna cook and clean and do shit #instead im just. bleh. #so tempted to just make myself a drink and hope for the best

[piningprecussionist]

I suppose you could say that.

Also apologies I don't usually introduce my name and first, either way I'm 💠

I can do an in person introduction if that's more proper.

Besides that your technically correct I don't have any ill intent right now, and I don't need anything from you either. Though I will gladly ask if I need anything. Thank you.

- 💠

*Kim feels an uncomfortable, cold chill go down her spine.*

(I... am not sure I'm enjoying this energy, here...)

*She looks back over her shoulder, but she's uncertain if she should bring Blaze's attention to this- they had other matters to attend to, after all. She turns back to the monitor, hands hovering over the keys.*

(I feel like I should tell someone about this... but I'm not sure who, yet. Or if that would be an overreaction...)

*Uneasy, she shakes her head and sets about typing her reply.*

Your welcome. I'll keep an eye out for your asks then, 💠. I think talking like this suits me just fine, personally. At least for now.

#💠 anon #pine.txt #asks #anon #rp #kim pine #sp comic #spvtwtg #spto #spvtw #matthewpatelaskbox #(not gonna do the matthew character tag specifically though since he's just mentioned in passing for now) #GAME OVER! RESTART...? #(ooc: IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK A SECOND-- as the tags in the next post will also clarify. i. was given the opportunity to ramble abt Lisa) #(ooc: I am Fucking Weak.) #(ooc: bleh panel choice honestly imo but you both have been waiting long enough shcjdhdhf My Apologies Again)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

I love the imagery of the world encased during the activation of the infinite tsukuyomi. Unnatural brightness illuminating the gnarled branches and roots of a cursed tree encasing everyone in horrible pale cocoons. Imagine a world where that persisted. Eventually, you'd have the husk of that long dead tree full of bones and a proliferation of plants, fungi, and microorganisms

#bc i think it also hypnotizes animals? but like r fish under hypnosis? worms? bugs? #how far does the hypnotic ability extend? i like to think plants and microbes are immune #so you would just get a planet overrun by those guys #ugh. its so annoying that shippuden requires a premium membership on crunchyroll now #im out here watching boruto while shippuden is frozen in the infinite tsukuyomi for me lol #the imagry is just so cool. and its like that episode of the x files with the fungi lol thats kinda exactly what it is #bleh. i cant sleep so im thinking abt naruto. so it goes. i cant believe ive sustained this obsession consistently for over a year lol #naruto ramblings #someday ill draw 6 paths madara and the god tree in a way that cool and fucked up #bc i just love mokuton so much but planning that sort of thing takes so much energy. like i have a page in my prompt book for a garden #and i desperately need to make it a weird chaotic hashirama tribute. like fuse his dead body to a tree. but just the god tree would also b #good. ay so much to draw and im exhaust except is 3.30 am and i cant sleep rip #so im thinking abt ninja hypnotism #unrelated

[todayisafridaynight]

every day i thank god for the like. one or two japanese minedai artists who make mine the embodiment of 🥺 while also still making him. mine.

#snap chats #LIKE I LOVE A LOT OF MINEDAI ARTISTS DONT GET IT TWISTED at this point im very lenient because. im hungry #also a lot of the art genuinely is super perfect and amazing and Thank You God its just that theres a particular itch i get sometimes yk #its my favorite flavor..... and damn no body ever does it 😭😭 #'what does it mean to be mine snap' it means he's mine. and he goes 🥺when daigos around. which is very mine but #you know what i mean. like he still does taxes and scares everyone but then daigo show up and he like :) #i never see mine dokidoki.... 'snap what the fuck does that mean' IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW i dont have to explain myself.... #i must see mine be swooned more... my life depends on it.. #dis a shout out to all the people who make mine dokidoki actually.... like that anon who sent the fic.... youre my hero... #like may i be so bold.... may i be so forthcoming... daigo has mine whipped yet i always see mine as the instigator... #or more forward. if i may put it safe for the eyes of babies. #im pickyyyy i knowww its why im saying my praises now 😔 #in the worst twist of irony i wanna draw but not them. not rn anyway. #BLEH lemme write a bit and we'll see what happen anyway thats my minedai ramble for the month #oh god wait didnt i already do one of those. oh no the demons are gonna have my head for going over the quota

[harukapologist]

a cute detail in haruka's room

This turned into a half-ramble half-headcanon post so I apologize for how messy it is lol

While watching undercover for the first time I noticed that there seems to be a sketchbook in Haruka's room, in which a colorful tree is drawn

Haruka seems to be hyperempathetic, and usually hyperempathetic people are quite artistic in their worldview and their hobbies, so I have a headcanon that Haruka likes to draw and/or paint, as a hobby and coping mechanism, a little escapism (especially since Haruka's no.1 coping mechanism with traumatic/stressful events seems to be denial—I'm going to elaborate on that in a different post because I've thought about that very, VERY often, and it partially explains why he acted the way he did in T2, to me) (I'm projecting a little bit because I kin Haruka and I'm a (hobbyist) artist myself but teehee)

When he was asked about his hobbies in his T1 interrogation, he just said he liked to talk to the other prisoners, but I think that's because he's insecure about his art being bad or unconventional (it looks like he used crayons or simple markers for the tree drawing. And also, the leaves are all different colors... perhaps I'm overanalyzing a simple scene, but it seemed to me that it's kinda symbolizing how he views & interacts with the world differently because of his neurodivergence. Still, the drawing is quite pretty imo, and he used the colors very well, so even though it's a tree with unusual colors, it still looks beautiful; even though he's different, it doesn't mean he's inferior, and there's still beauty despite how much he struggles to fit in. You know?)

Also also the way a lot of frames in weakness have hyper-realistic, vibrant backgrounds, as well as the blood being colorful (though that appears elsewhere too, like in Muu's MV) it really convinced me that Haruka sees the world through the lens of an artist, a passionate person who feels things very intensely.

Since the prisoners can request anything, I like to think Haruka secretly requested a sketchbook and some crayons to continue his hobby (I'm not sure if he can do that since it's unclear how the prisoners request & receive stuff (I'm a relatively new Milgram fan so I might've forgotten/not have seen an explanation if there's any ueueu))

I like to think he keeps his sketchbook to himself at first, but slowly opens up to the other prisoners about his hobby. First Fuuta and Mu, then maybe Mikoto, then the others (and they're all very nice to him & praise his art!!! Especially Mikoto I think. he would be very excited to see all of Haruka's art!!! Supportive big brother figure) :3c

#if its not actually a sketchbook forgive me im blind as shit #if these aren't crayons too pls forgiev me #i hope this makes sense i wouldve probably talked more if i didnt have a godawful migraine rn #i love haruka i definitely think he likes to/wants to practise some form of art #should i tag this im a bit embarrassed eheh #milgram #haruka sakurai #sakurai haruka #headcanons #milgram headcanons #jay rambles bleh idk #okay maybe theres more than just a little bit of projection but shh it makes sense doesn't it #I LOVE HARU #he s literally me #if anyone has pointed this out before pls forgive me again #and show me the post pls id love to find. likeminded people #good night #milgram project

[dovahkiining]

thinking about william and gillion and. good heavens destiny encompasses both of them. for gillion it is a suit of armor he's growing out of and for william it is a shirt and shoes sizes far too big. they both look out of place and yet neither are allowed to change. all gillion ever wanted was a destiny, because he never wanted to be a disappointment. if things are set in stone and woven into fate, that makes up for the shortcomings. his destiny is to be great. he will be great. he cannot fall short of that, too. but william has accepted being the disappointment. william has accepted that he's failed. failed at living and failed at dying and he's tired of being told there's more. that he just has to push himself further and further. just one more step until he's over the edge. falling like he has time and time again. both of them will never be free of destiny. both of them will be stained with dead boy and champion of the undersea until they die. but gillions arc is realizing he doesn't need to be great to be wanted. to be worthy. and williams arc is realizing he can be great. he can be worthy. and for both of them, this is done outside of their "fate". this is done on their own path that they fought to keep! both of their arcs leading up to making their own ending. to throwing away what was forced upon them and growing into their own skin. william wisp is not a boy from deadwood nor is he a zombie boy. he is a prime defender. gillion tidestrider is not a sword or a shield or champion of the undersea. he is captain of the albatross. how they've looked into the eyes of their destinies bared their teeth and looked away. if you know fate you can change fate. and they changed theirs. they're stained with what could've been but that does not mean they are doomed to it, you know? you are your past but your past does not have to be your future and what have you. so interesting they're like bugs to me

#simply ... charlie is such an interesting guy to me #because his characters are wildly different and yet also always so similar at their core #they're always trying to outrun. something. be it destiny fate or what have you it all boils down to the same thing #they're always running—be it mental w william or physical w gil #and its so interesting to see how the puzzle pieces click into place for how and where they will end up #but like also. charlie voice haha what if gils arc ended with him dying as one last fuck you to the undersea #this is. sooo terribly incoherent i know i just have so many thoughts #i really need to go into apotheosis soon because i am Certain peter follows this #in a different way from what i can tell but. well. gil and will are also very different with how they viewed and view their ''fate'' #bleh. anyway. im normal about the pcs charlie plays can you tell #uhhh #jrwi spoilers #vaguely...? i think #prime defenders spoilers #fuck it sure #jrwi #spiff rambles

[clunker-n1ne]

I haven't posted anything to my art blog in a quite a bit but I've been depressed and barely drawing aGHHHh

#clunky rambles #ill be fine just bleh #I hate when I get anxiety or depressive episodes because I literally cannot draw when I feel like this #but im trying my best #vent??? #erin vents

[sunfoxfic]

I just sent TWO EMAILS including one I've been sitting on for like two weeks because I have a feeling it is NOT going to be well-received I should get a REWARD

#one is just about a spanish placement test which is kinda the job of whoever it was who received the email #the other is to an absolutely control freak chair of educational licensure at my school and i don't think she's gonna like it #bc im dropping out of the thing i said i would do next semester #(not permanently im just putting it off for a semester bc of how my schedule worked out) #(trust me this is NOT a good scenario and actually dropping it makes me really anxious but i just don't have an alternative) #(bleh) #rambles