#bored broke tired hungry nauseous in pain And Alone! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ververa · 4 years

Text

Strong Enough

A/N: Okay, so my dear petals, this is gonna be a-few-part story. The inspiration for writing it was my own heartbreak and breakdown, but also some things that happened along the way. I hope that you will enjoy it and that maybe some of you can relate to it.

I’d like to dedicate it to everyone who has ever got their heart broken.

Last but by no means least, I’d like to thank my friends @emilyprentissisababe @misssmephisto @darling-dontforgetme @sarahsbabygurl @angel-of-me for being there for me <3

Part 1: Xandra x fem!reader

Words: 2.300

You had never been a huge fan of relationships. It’s not that you didn’t want to be in one - you did. You were just afraid of being hurt as you got your heart broken almost always. You were way too sensitive for all that and usually fall hard for people, so at some point you decided you’d be better by yourself. But then you met her…

Xandra came into your life when you less expected it. You didn’t think you would ever fall for her, as she’s far from your idea of a perfect partner. Yet she knew very well how to talk to you. She got to you and before you realized it you were bound to her. Everyone kept telling you that she’s no good for you. And deep inside you felt they might have been right. You felt like something wasn’t quite okay when you began having troubles sleeping and struggle to keep your emotions under control. Yet you were stubborn. It felt so good to have her - at least you repeated that to yourself. So, even though you were hurting most of the time, as crying became something normal - almost as brushing teeth every morning - you kept pushing yourself, because you didn’t want to lose her. Whenever you were sad and your friends tried to convince you to break up with Xandra you would take her side. You knew your relationship wasn’t all that healthy, but it felt good. It felt amazing to be in love. It felt wonderful to have someone with whom you could share your dreams, ideas, thoughts. Someone who was a part of your life and with whom you wanted to create the future.

It was detrimental to you, but you kept going further and further. You didn’t want to give up on her even when it’s hard to be around her. Xandra had her ways to get you do whatever she wanted. She had her own moods, desires, priorities, goals. She was a “conqueror”. She constantly needed to have something to achieve, because when she hadn’t she got bored. Xandra loved being in charge and you totally submitted, as you were sure that would make her happy and would let you keep her by your side. You were ready to do anything - whatever it took to make her satisfied, to make her believe you were worth her love and time. Whenever something was wrong you took the blame on yourself. You praised her and treated her as if she were a queen, even though you were falling apart from inside.

You gave her all of you. You gave her more than you could actually. But despite it one day she just decided she didn’t want you any longer. She told you that you were not the one and she didn’t love you anymore. And just like that she left. She took the best of you and left you all alone as if you were some kind of a toy that wasn’t trendy anymore.

At first you couldn’t understand it, but with time you began to realize how many signs you had missed. You were blinded by something that you called love. You wanted to be with her so badly that you stopped noticing she didn’t care. There was no affection or attention on her side. Xandra simply didn’t give a shit about you anymore. You had never really considered your breaking up, because for you she was the only one. You didn’t want to give up on her even when you were more hurt than happy. You had tried to reach for her so many times, so, when she actually left - it hit you harder than anything before.

You knew it’s bad, but you didn’t realize how bad. You stopped noticing most of the things and kept on blaming yourself. You felt betrayed. You felt awful - it even got to the point when you began to experience physical pain. It wasn’t just your mind and soul that were suffering - it was everything, all of you - your mind, soul and body. You had a breakdown and then got depressed.

You didn’t know what to do with your life. You didn’t know how to carry on without her, because you hadn't thought you would have to. You knew it wasn’t wise to need someone, as much as you had depended on her. You knew you had fallen way too hard and the worst thing about it was that, despite promising, she wasn’t there to catch you. And so you crashed. You felt like a clown for being this way. But no matter how hard you tried you simply couldn’t get over it just like that. You couldn’t act as if nothing had happened, because it had. It did happen and it broke you in all possible ways. You felt as if you had lost a part of you and that part was so huge, that you didn’t feel like yourself anymore. But even worse than that was the feeling of not being good enough. It just kind of made you feel like a loser.

You kept wondering how it was possible - to go from falling in love to falling apart so easily. You asked yourself how could have you been so naive and deceptive? You felt hopeless. There was no one to hear your SOS. No one to catch you. No one who could save you from what you had done to your poor heart yourself. You knew that you were the one who had to save yourself from a heartache and all the misery on your own, yet it was harder than it might have seemed.

You stopped in front of a mirror and looked at your reflection. You frowned seeing how miserably you looked. Your eyes were red and puffy from crying, you had under eye circles, because of many sleepless nights. It had been weeks since you put on any make-up at all. You hadn’t worn anything, but some baggy T-shirts and sweatpants either. But you didn’t care. You just kind of felt like dying.

“You look like a shit, Y/N” you said to yourself “No wonder she doesn’t want you” you sighed

You spent most of the time in bed - just lying there and crying. Wondering what you did wrong, why weren’t you enough anymore. It had been almost two weeks since Xandra had broken up with you. She already moved on. She was happy and had a new someone, but you still couldn’t pull yourself together.

Every day was like a torture. A never-ending battle with yourself and your feelings. You couldn’t forget and you failed to understand how she could have walked away just like that. Where were those happy days? What happened to your love? You kept asking yourself. There were so many questions and doubts

“Y/N, you should eat something” your best friend said

“I’m not hungry…” you shrugged preparing some coffee

Caffeine was the last thing on the earth that kept you going physically, yet it’s far more worse mentally, because for that kind of pain there was no cure.

“You’re doing it again” she complained

“Doing what?”

“Punishing yourself for something that you’re not the one to blame for”

“I am not punishing myself…”

Deep inside you knew your friend was right. Maybe not exactly, but you indeed were destructing yourself. It wasn’t on purpose. You wanted to sleep, you wanted to eat and function as you did before the break-up. Yet, you couldn’t. Your stomach hurt for most of the time. Whenever you tried to eat something you felt nauseous. You did realise how it affected your body - you lost on weight and had no energy at all. You tried to pull yourself together, but you also didn’t feel like a person anymore.

You were drained - both mentally and physically. You were devastated and didn’t act like yourself. That made your friends worried. At first your best friend was sure it would pass soon and you’d get better with time. But weeks passed and your state was getting worse and worse. Luckily for you, you didn’t need to go to work for a couple of weeks, because if you had to, you would most likely lose that job. However it was different with school. You tried to get everything done, but it was too much for your exhausted mind and body. And so you totally messed it up.

Your best friend tried everything to help you, but nothing seemed to work. You’re getting thinner, paller, more tired. It kind of looked as if life was slowly living your body. You became totally apathetic. You paid no attention to anything - especially yourself. That's why your friend couldn’t just sit on her hands.

“Get up!” she yelled trying to make you get out of your bed

“What for?”

“We’re going to a party. Come on! Get up. You need to take a shower and put on makeup”

“I don’t want to…”

“But you need to. Come on, Y/N, you’ll feel better”

“Xandra didn’t like me going out”

“Because she was a possessive, devious bitch who wanted to control you” she snapped “Look, baby, I know it hurts, but she’s not here anymore. You have no one to be faithful to - only yourself. And you really need to pull yourself together, because I’m worried”

“It just feels weird… I mean going out on my own”

“Y/N you don’t need an owner. You’re fine on your own, remember?”

“Yeah” you nodded as your mind went back to the moment you - yourself said that

“Now drink this” she gave you a glass of water “And go get ready, cause tonight we’re having fun as we used to do”

You smiled and nodded obediently drinking water.

Your friend had no idea that the party would result in your entering yet another stage of your breakdown. She couldn’t have possibly known. Moreover it was really hard to say whether that phase was better or not. You began taking care of yourself again. At first everyone was sure you finally got over Xandra, but that was only an illusion. In reality you were still cracking from inside - more and more with every day, yet you decided to do something about it. Well, maybe not exactly about it, but you just wanted to stop feeling all those negative things. At times you thought that it was far more better to be numb, rather than experiencing all the sadness and misery. That horrible feeling of emptiness was killing you and you desperately tried to fill it with something.

At first it felt peculiar. You were dressing up, but not for Xandra. You forgot how that felt, the same as you forgot how it was to go out and meet new people. But you didn’t need much time to catch up on all that you had missed. You didn’t get better at all. Instead of crying you just started going out and partying. You began drinking and smoking more. You were meeting a lot of new people and spending time with them, but you didn’t even like them. You only wanted some distraction. You realized it was really selfish and it wasn’t like you, but apparently that was what you had learnt from Xandra.

From time to time you had those moments, when you were absolutely sure you got over her completely. You were perfectly able to be happy on your own. But every time you felt that way there always came a comedown.You might have been happy all day or even a few days in a row. Yet then you got even more depressed and vastly indifferent.

Rendezvous with bottles of alcohol of all kind, swaying drunk on the dance floor or flirting with newly met people - all that was for nothing. None of those things could cure you.

It was hard to be around you. You were pretty annoying and unpredictable. You were aware of how many bothersome situations you put your friend in, but you couldn’t stop it. It felt as if you were going from being totally in control to not being in control at all. You just kind of got lost deep inside and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t find yourself. It took you some time to realize there was no “you” anymore. However, your best friend was there for you. She kept taking care of you anyway, because she loved you as if you were her sister. That’s why she wasn’t going to let you totally lost yourself and waste your life for grieving over someone who wasn’t worth it.

It was one of those days that felt amazing, when you felt like old version of you. You were sure you got it and finally pulled yourself together. You were happy, you went out with some guys and got drunk. Then they offered you some "magical pills" as they called them and you obviously accepted, because you wanted to feel happier and didn’t want to think about Xandra. You had never thought that her being on your mind could be so detrimental and painful. You had never expected to experience such a heartache, when anything at all seemed better than experiencing your own feelings.You took the pills they had given to you and drank even more. You didn’t think at that moment. You didn’t consider what outcomes it would bring. It did make you kind of happy at first. You felt so free and light, but then all the negative feelings hit you all over again. And there you were - dizzy, sweaty, nauseous and broken even more - in the middle of the club. Somehow you managed to call your friend and that was all you remembered from that night.

#xandra #xandra x reader #strong enough #part 1/?#heartbreak

61 notes · View notes

nightaekookie · 5 years

Text

BTS Reaction » When you meet them for the first time.

Authors note » Aaah this is my first reaction ever (it was not requested but my request are open!) and i’m kinda new to the fandom and I am trying something new! (Pls give me feedback or something) Just wanna let you know english is not my first language so I’m sorry for grammar mistakes or something! Please let me know what you think? Credit goes to the rightful gif owners :)

Kim Seokjin » Your parents are coming over for dinner last minute so you are stressing out because today normally was your day to eat take out so hadn’t done any groceries and your fridge was empty. So now you have to go grocery shopping but you still don’t know what you want to cook for your parents. You hoped walking in the store would give you some ideas. You grab your keys from the kitchen counter and walk to the store. After a while you decide you are going to cook spaghetti, it was easy and delicious. So now you are walking around the store trying to find the right ingredients. You are so focused on finding the right ingredients you don’t notice the tall stranger standing in the same aisle, doing the exact same thing. You bite your lip while reading something on the back of the tomato sauce package you are holding. You feel something or someone bump into you. You let out a shriek and you drop the tomato sauce package on the ground. The tomato sauce package pops open and there is sauce everywhere “Oh god I-I’m so sorry” you hear a voice apologize. You look in the direction where the voice came from. You make eye contact with the most beautiful man you have ever seen and for a minute you forget how to talk, you realize you’re staring at the man and you start to blush “uhm it’s okay, I’m fine” you smile softly at the man standing in front of you. You realize the sauce is everywhere “oh shoot, look at the mess I made” you mumble shy. The man laughs “well I kind of helped you make that mess didn’t I? Again I am so sorry” he apologizes again “it’s fine” you reassure him with a soft smile “But I probably should find someone and tell them about the mess we made” you laugh “You probably should, but maybe I should join you? Because after all i helped you create this mess ” he smiles cheekily “Uh yeah, sure...” you wait for him to tell you his name “I’m Seokjin” he introduces himself, a beautiful name for a beautiful man “I’m y/n, nice to meet you” you smile. After telling a staffmember about the mess you two made, Seokjin helped you find the right ingredients for the spaghetti, he even gave you some tips on how to make the spaghetti even more delicious.

Min Yoongi » It’s two am, you just finished studying for your midterms. You totally lost track of time while studying and you forgot to eat so you were hungry for some good food, luckily the store near campus is open 24 hrs a day. You walk into the store causing a bell to ring. The man sitting behind the counter looks up from his phone and frowns, he probably isn’t used to people shopping this late. You smile sofly to the man and you make your way to the right aisle. Yoongi needed the money, that’s why he took this stupid boring job, he only worked night shifts. He didn’t mind the night shifts to be honest because there were fewer people doing their groceries and that meant fewer social encounters. He frowned when he saw you walking in the store at this time. He studies your features, you look tired, your hair is in a messy bun and you were wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. But he still thought you looked beautiful. You noticted the boy staring at you and you start to blush, grabbing the things you need quickly. You walk to the counter to pay the stuff. “Rough evening, huh?” the man asks. You look up and you make eye contact with the man. You only realize now how beautiful the man in front of you is. “Uh... I- I’ve been studying for my midterms” you tell the man and he nods “must be stressing you out?” you only nod, being to tired to have a normal conversation. “I’m Yoongi” introduces the man himself “oh uhm my name is y/n” you say, still not breaking eye contact with Yoongi. He shows you the most adorable gummy smile you have ever seen and you can’t help but smile back at him. “I get off in a few hours, do you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee after my shift ends?” He asks and you nod “I’d like that”

Jung Hoseok » Today was another stressful day at work, your boss keeps yelling at you and pointing out all the things you are doing wrong and it was making you feel nauseous and you were one the verge of crying so you were in desperate need of a break. So when your boss told you to get her a coffee, from the coffee shop she loved so much, you obliged happily. A sigh of relief leaves your lips when you walk out of the building. You start walking towards the coffee shop thinking about how your boss was behaving towards you, you don’t really see what you are doing wrong, you do everything she ask from you and still it’s not enough. You reach the coffee shop and you wait in line to make your order. You are focused on your phone when a loud laugh fills your ears, you look around the shop to see where the sound comes from. You focus on a group of young men sitting in the back of the coffee shop, one man draws your attention, he is smiling bright and he actually looks like a ray of sunshine. You didn’t notice you were staring at the man until you make eye contact, you quickly look away from him and focus back on your phone. You don’t look up from your phone until you order the coffee for your boss. After ordering the coffee you wait patiently, still focusing on your phone. Your name is called and you walk up to the counter to pick up your order. When you turn around to go back to work you bump into someone and you spill all the hot coffee on the ground. A small scream leaves your mouth and you look at the mess on the ground “Oh god, I am so so sorry! Are you okay? Here let me help you” you look up to see the boy you made eye contact with earlier. The boy keeps rambling and apologizing and you just look at him. Tears are forming in your eyes and as soon as he notices he feels even more guilty “oh god please don’t cry” he begs “it’s not your fault, I’m just having a really bad day” you mumble. He whipes your tears away “I’m sorry to hear that, let me make it up to you and buy you a new coffee” he offers and you smile “thank you, that is very sweet of you” you smile weakly “don’t worry about it, it’s the least I can do for you” he smiles brightly “you have a cute smile” you didn’t even realize the words leaving your mouth “oh god I am sorry” you apologize ashamed “well...” “y/n” you say “well y/n I think you look really cute” you blush smiling at the man “I’m Hoseok but you can call me Hobi” he introduces himself with a wink.

Kim Namjoon » You were in desperate need of a new book to read. All the books you owned were old and most of them you already read twice or more. You walk in to your local bookstore, you greet the woman behind the counter, she just smiles at you. You walk to the aisle where they keep the crime/thriller books, your favourite genre. You notice a tall man standing in the same aisle but you don’t really pay much attention to him. You are focused on reading the back of a book that seems interesting when you hear a loud noise followed by a curse. You look to your right to see what happened. One of the bookshelves broke down and all the books that were standing on that shelf fell down. The man looks embarrassed as he starts picking up the books that lay on the floor, you decide to help the man. You kneel beside the man and you start picking up different books “thank you” says the handsome stranger, you just smile at him. You want to pick up the last book but so does the man, so instead of the book you touch his fingers, he quickly moves his hand away and you pick up the last remaining book. You get up again but so does the man, causing your heads to bump into each other and a painful growl leaves your mouth. “Oh god I am so sorry” he apologizes quickly “it’s okay, I’m fine. Are you okay?” You ask the man. He nods “I am, I just get so clumsy sometimes” he explains with a shy smile “Yeah I noticed” you giggle. “I’m y/n” you introduce yourself “I’m Namjoon” he smiles. “Maybe I could buy you dinner? To apologize for my clumsy behaviour” he ask nervously. “I told you I’m fine, but how can I say no to you buying me dinner” you say cheekily and Namjoon laughs.

Park Jimin » It is two o’clock in the morning and you are still practicing your dance choreography. You are getting more and more frustrated by the second. There is this particular dance move and you just couldn’t get the hang of it. It’s making you want to cry. After many attempts and many failures you decide you need to take a break. You lay down on the ground and a frustrated sigh leaves your mouth and you close your eyes for just a few seconds. A few seconds turn into fifteen minutes but a loud noise wakes you up, you look around but you there is no one here. You stand up again and you start practicing again. You are so focused on getting the choreography right you don’t even notice the tears coming out of your eyes. After your fifth attempt and also your fifth failure you just let out a loud scream and you start crying. You look in the big mirror in front of you and you stop crying when you notice someone standing in the doorway, you quickly turn around and he smiles at you. “Please leave me alone” you mumble to the stranger “I heard you scream and I just wanted to check if you are okay” he tells you shyly “well I’m fucking great, can’t you see?” You snap at him, you start dancing again hoping that the man takes a hint and leaves but he doesn’t and it makes you even more frustrated. You make a mistake but this time you trip over your own feet and you fall to the ground. The man that was standing in the doorway was now sitting beside you “Oh god, are you okay?” He asks worried “no, I am not okay” you cry. The man kind of looks uncomfortable and he really doesn’t know what to do so he just pats your back. “You dont have to comfort me” you mumble wiping away your own tears. “I’m sorry for being rude, I’m just really stressed because this one part of the choreography is really hard and I just can’t get the hang of it and it’s so frustrating. I’ve been practicing all day” you explain to him “you don’t have to apologize, I totally understand how frustrating it must be” he smiles “how would you know?” You ask with a frown “I’m also a dancer, why don’t you show me the choreography and maybe I can help you?” He offers with a soft smile which makes you blush “I’d like that” “I’m jimin by the way” he introduces himself “my name is y/n” you tell Jimin. You show Jimin the dance and he actually has some very useful tips that really help you master the dance. It’s morning when you two are finally done and you both exchange phone numbers because you quite enjoyed his company.

Kim Taehyung » You were enjoying yourself with some beautiful art in a local museum near your house. It was you day of and you were feeling really stressed because of work and just looking at art made you feel relaxed. You stand in front of your favourite piece just taking every detail in. You decide to sit down and enjoy the painting. You notice someone sitting down next to you. You don’t bother looking up because you are to focused on the painting in front of you. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” A husky voice ask, you look up and you look in the direction where the voice came from, it’s the person sitting next to you. “yes it is, it’s my favourite painting in this museum actually” you tell the stranger. “It makes me feel relaxed, I can look at it for ages and every time i look at the painting I discover a new detail, pretty amazing to be honest” you explain smiling at the man, he nods in agreement. “Do you have a favourite painter?” He ask curiously and you nod “I really like Monet but Van Gogh is also pretty good” “I totally agree, so you’re a pretty big fan of art?” He asks “yes but not just paintings, I like all kinds of art, music, poetry and photography” you tell him shyly noticing how beautiful the man sitting next to you actually is. He just looks like a piece of art, and you can’t stop staring at him. Luckily he doesn’t notice it because he is looking at the painting but you think the man next to you is way more interesting than that painting hanging on the wall. “You shouldn’t be staring that much it’s rude” the man smiles cheekily and you feel your cheeks turn red “I-I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself” you blush “it’s okay, I’ve been staring at you for like ten minutes before I had the courage to sit next to you” he confesses. “Oh really?” You ask raising an eyebrow “my name is y/n” “nice to meet you y/n, my name is Taehyung” he introduces himself with a boxy smile, the most beautiful smile you have ever seen and it makes you want to squeeze his cheeks. “Is it okay if I take you out for some coffee, or something?” He ask nervously “I’d love that” you smile

Jeon Jungkook » You were bored so you decided you might as well log back into your old gaming account, due your busy work schedule you barely had time to game and you kind of missed it. You had finished all your work so you had finally time to pick up where you left. You start up Overwatch, getting pretty excited to start playing again. Once the game is loaded you start gaming and it feels like you never left. After the game is finished you get an invite from someone to play again, you frown but accept. Obviously you keep beating his ass and your not even sorry, you are enjoying this way to much. After a few hours you decide it’s been enough, you’re about to close the game when you receive a direct message from the person who keeps inviting you to play again. To curious to wait, you open the message and read it. “Hey there, you are really good! Do you might wanna game while talking over headset? If you don’t mind of course :)” you reply that you don’t mind. You search for your headset and you connect it with your computer. Your connection is really crappy and it takes a while but after a few minutes you hear a manly voice coming through your headset. “Hey there” you greet the man. It stays quiet for a while, you frown for a second but you keep your attention focused on the game. “Hello? Are you still there?” You ask a bit annoyed “U-Uh yes I’m still here” the man replies softly. “Are you alright?” You ask the man. “Yes I am, I just didn’t realize you were a girl” you roll your eyes “Is that a problem for you?” “No! It’s not” he yells “I-I was just debating with myself whether i’m disappointed that i got by ass kicked by a girl or if I’m really turned on because of how good you are” you roll your eyes but you can’t help but giggle “well I see both options as an compliment, so thank you. And I really hope you’re not an old pervert” you smile. “No I’m not old, and I’m Jungkook by the way” “I’m Y/n” you introduce yourself “well Jungkook get ready to get your ass kicked again” you giggle “I was going to be soft on you, but now get ready to get your ass kicked” he threatens “pffft, I’ve been kicking your ass almost every game, are you sure you’re not gonna cry?” You tease him. After beating him in many more games, you still keep in touch and after a while you both decided it’s time you two meet in real life, and you couldn’t be more nervous because you had no idea what he looked like, you only know him by his voice. You decided to meet up in a local coffee shop. So now fifteen minutes early you are waiting for him. After a while you see someone walking into the coffee shop, he looks nervous and he keeps looking around, after a while you make eye contact and you smile, his eyes grow wide and you blush. He slowly walks towards you. “Y/n?” He asks when he stops in front of you, you can only nod because you are captivated by his beauty, you can’t stop staring at him. “It’s really nice to meet you” he smiles shyly. You nod and stand up to give him a hug. “It really is” you agree with a big smile.

172 notes · View notes