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#but i feel like i have been eating more

disordered eating tw im just articulating my thoughts abt my eating habits contextualized against my mental health issues also if yr grace and u see this no u dont <3

#a list of things i have eaten today:, #red bull, #yerba mate energy drink thing, #20 million little mints, #i should go eat some of my candied ginger so i dont throw up during choir hehe, #anyway ya this depressive episode is very sexy in this regard because it literally takes too much effort to eat, #because my problem most times, #with restricting my eating is that like... i have adhd ive been an emotional eater my entire life, #so its almost ALWAYS easier for me to eat than to not eat thats how i end up binging, #because it's so fucking easy for me to start eating and just keep eating and eating and eating, #i can literally house an entire large pizza + sides + drinks in under an hour sometimes, #i think thats also why on my worse days i like wait so long to eat because once i DO eat its easier to keep eating, #and harder to skip a late meal, #plus i just like doing things later in the day i feel like im a person mostly between like 4 and 10 pm when im sober, #but yes anyway. this depressive episode is making it VERY difficult to eat which is literally SO sexy, #i truly love it when its easier to not eat than eat because that happens so rarely, #but for like the last week ish theres only been one day where ive had more than one meal and thats SO SEXY, #ofc my like once daily meals do end up being like way bigger than they should b a lot of the time like, #because im still not good at restricting my intake when i actually eat like it truly is either i dont eat or i eat normal, #like i dont think i could keep my caloric intake limited if i tried honestly, #so like i do end up eating 1000 calories at like 8 pm and then nothing else, #anyway ok if u read this first of all why second of all DO NOT send me any high and mighty messages abt it i am simply too tired, #im gonna go eat some candied ginger for no vomity and i will see yall during choir hehe
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got some thoughts that i need to get out, BIG tw for disordered eating in the tags. please don’t look if you’re recovering or considering recovery.

#uhhhhhh yeah so i dont think i ever really 'recovered' from my anorexia?, #i'm certainly less destructive than i used to be i'll say that much, #i dont count calories or obsess over food/weight anymore, #i just..really enjoy seeing the numbers go down. thats all, #i like being able to feel my bones far more clearly than i could otherwise. makes me feel good. like i achieved something, #certainly it isnt healthy to view one's self as a project but what is recovery if not that?, #i am constantly in motion. my cells one day are not the same as the next. i will never be this young again ever, #losing weight gives me a sense of agency over myself at a time where i have so very few things i am genuinely in control of, #(i suppose the anxiety of testifying does make it easier not to eat but that isnt the point here. it's still my decision.), #this is still a mental illness and i still need to work on it. but maybe recovery doesnt have to mean stopping entirely, #what i'm doing now isnt viscious like it was in the past. this isnt cruelty. i really do believe i'm doing myself kindness., #i dont fast. i dont have calorie limits. i dont restrict to the point of fainting. what i'm doing is not meant to be an act of self-harm., #i just..don't push myself to eat. not unless my body is telling me i need to., #i am aware that by some definition that is still self-harm. but i don't mean for it to be. i don't do it to be cruel. it isnt about worth., #it's about control. it has always been about control., #now that i have such little agency in my life i take what i can. and maybe that's destructive by some definition, #but the alternative is worse. at least this way i can be kind.
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Hm

#text post tag, #vent post, #broken record at this point i know but i dont exactly have someone to talk to about this stuff and i kinda need to talk about it, #and theres not really anywhere else i can do that like i can on here, #but anyways i just feel really bad mentally because on the one hand i know ill probably make it out of this even if the worst comes to pass, #but on the other hand i cant describe to you how much i dont want any of this to be happening and how much i feel like i have absolutely no, #control over the situation and how it affects me. bc i have a severe phobia of being in medical situations and that includes being sick, #and an offshoot of that is what im assuming is agoraphobia based on what ive read of it. the intense fear of being in situations i cant, #easily get out of. and boy is this one of those, #i cant drive. i dont have that much money saved up. im on ssi and have only been getting half for months now. im in a town of 5000 people, #i literally have nowhere i can go and i feel like theres nothing i can do. i know that people come out of covid with severe damage to their, #health and body. and between my asthma and my gordon syndrome i cant say i have a lot going for me rn. so the potential to have, #my already shitty body fucked up even more is scary enough. n yes im worried about my sister and i dont want her to get it or go through it, #and she doesnt seem that bad right now so maybe she doesnt have it. but im not sure. i dont know. she wont get her test results until like, #tuesday or wednesday. and im supposed to be going back home later today, #im also just worried about my health in general bc i know i havent been eating well and i dont know if thats having any kind of impact on m, #or not. and if it is i dont know how to address it bc no one ever bothers to fucking teach you that kind of stuff, #or at least they didnt teach me, #ive been having issues with sleeping as well. like ive been sleeping a lot lately but i also constantly wake up n shit, #and thats probably just my anxiety/stress, #im having trouble getting to sleep right now actually bc i cant stop thinking about all this and thats why i made this damn post, #shit sucks man, #idk i dont wanna bother nayone with this since i know its none of yalls business and i dont want to force my problems onto anyone, #i just need to talk about it, #maybe it will help keep my brain from turning into mush, #hasnt worked yet but we'll just have to fucking wait and see
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this probably sounds a little weird, but i always find myself returning to this app in my most tired and vulnerable states. when i can’t find a comfortable place on the internet, it feels soothing to come on here. it’s a safe space that i’ve taken the time to curate and nurture, and i feel like it’s so easy to share my thoughts on here (compared to other platforms). this is also the only consistent social media account i’ve had throughout my teenage years… i think i made this when i was 14? wow. it’s like a capsule of this period of my life which has otherwise been obliterated by my bad-memory-brain-rot. i’m not sure who i’d be without my account. i know i sound lame, but at times this was the only outlet i could share anything on, and without it, i’d probably be even more uncomfortable sharing my thoughts than i am now. basically tumblr is a stupid app but i love it nonetheless : )

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.

#cw weight, #cw exercise, #tw eating disorder, #ok so not that anyone asked for this but <3 an update on my running situation SO as some of you may know if youve read some of my personal, #posts over the last few months that i started running about 2.5km/day almost every day earlier this year. well today i was running and, #thinking that the timing was not making sense. i used to walk 1.6 or 1.8 km to school every day when i was in high school and that would, #take me under 20 minutes so how tf was it taking me over 40 minutes to *run* 2.5km so i look on the speed scale on the treadmill and it says, #mph 馃槶馃槶 bro all this time i thought i was running 2.5km/day but ive been running 4km/day jdhdkdhdkdj and part of me feels great about that, #and knowing im accomplishing even more than i originally thought but also i feel dumb as hell for not realising sooner and also on the more, #serious side of things ive told people that i run 2.5k a day but i was actually understating myself .... objectively i know that running any, #distance and keeping up with any exercise is important and i have nothing to prove to anyone but at the same time i wish they knew? like i, #am so desperate to seem athletic and fit and prove to people that im skinny and whatever bc of my past w my eating disorder which is, #something i need to get over but also i wish i could have celebrated my achievement w people more accurately ..... like im trying to be, #proud of myself for this but i cant help but wish i could have impressed all those people i talked to by saying 4k instead of 2.5k ..... and, #also earlier this week i saw my grandmother for the first time in a couple months and she kept talking about how thin i am now and how great, #i look and part of me LOVES to hear that way more than i should and it is nice to know that the weight loss is not all in my mind but the, #part of my mind that makes me not want to eat n shit makes me worries about what i looked like before i started running ..... and i would, #NEVER hyperfixate on someone elses weight like this or think they were any less beautiful at any size but i cant stop thinking about it for, #myself ..... anyways thank you so much to everyone who reads all of these posts i never talk about it w anyone irl bc im embarrassed so i, #just need an outlet OK back to our regularly scheduled programming if you saw me be vulnerable no you didnt 鉂, #ashley gets personal, #not choices
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.🤒

#I really think this pandemic is making me go insane I'm ngl -I've been having panic attacks more frequently bc I feel like I'm wasting my, #life and that I should just go out there and work anyway which is stupid bc if I don't feel safe enough to apply for a one day craft fair, #why would I feel safe enough to go to work? like the whole point of me working is to get out there and meet people (thankfully we're okay, #enough money wise that I don't need to have a job Rn) but holy fuck that doesn't help, #like Idk I feel so scared to go anywhere I don't have to that's indoors like a restaurant bc I can't eat and wear a mask (we almost went, #last weekend and I was having an anxiety attack internally ab it and thankfully the parking lot was crowded bc we were like hey let's order, #in and come back to get it) and like what I want to do job wise would involve me touching high risk surfaces, #(I wanna work in recycling or a library) so that's stressful and shit and I don't think working from home would do much for me bc I need, #that face to face interaction (homeschooling for a semester was a pain and I was so unproductive) so yeah..., #I'm praying that by this time next year I'll be able to be at that point where illl be working in person even if it's just part-time like, #hoping that it reaches levels where it's safe enough to do that without the high chance I could bring something back with me yknow, #marquilla, #idk I just feel like I'm going insane and I thankfully have a therapy appt today and a drs appt next week so hopefully they can help me but, #gg I'm losing my fucking mind here mates I wanna be able to feel safe enough to go to the mall again and not feel guilty if I do go yknow?, #I need face to face interaction but it's not worth the fucking risk
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if we dont get to talk to them abt the house on wednesday im seriously going to lose it <3

#ghost boy talks, #idk what the situation is we've been hearing bits and pieces for fucking weeks, #and now it Should be find because we Should be handing over the deposit on wed, #which means house ours no more stress no more weird limbo situation, #but like, #What If *list of everything that can go wrong in a 2 day span*, #i also conveniently keep forgetting i need 2 make a phone call abt this, #plus i have a feeling i'm gonna feel worse when we get into the house?, #i just realized this im used to having like....u know how when ur in school u have like a point ur waiting to get to., #like finals or spring break or summer yknow? but im going to be living real adult life, #where i don't have anything i'm waiting for or any point im trying to get to, #cause i have no ambitions and i'm not even considering going back to college until i get therapy, #and idek how much stuff i'm gonna have to pay for i can't conceptualize that stuff in my head, #like ik how much rent will be but groceries are always iffy cause it depends on whether i eat or not!, #i dunno. this is gonna be weird, #i didn't think i'd get here so now i'm like well...i stopped having dreams and motivation and shit awhile ago. so now what., #im sitting here thinking why am i still alive but not in a depressed way just like a genuine question??, #why tf am i here? ik theres nothing wrong with living an ordinary life but i have a purpose right????, #i'm thinking too hard about this but it's interesting to think about because i'm not emotional about it, #ik life isn't a story so things dont always have Purpose in that sense but....idk. it feels like they do anyways., #i'm rambling again but it's helping me so whatever, #if y'all read my tag essays i love u. mwah.
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having adhd be like *is scared of your own mind*

#adhd, #hello. i am thinking about how i have been on concerta every week day since i was 15, #oh except for the holidays, #which is when i would gain. large amounts of weight, #u see i would lose my appetite on the pill, #concerta would. snap whatever connection there was between my hunger in my stomach and my brain, #i just wouldn鈥檛 feel it, #and no one would force me to eat in school and my parents didn鈥檛 care, #my dad thought it was great. lol., #when i went off the pill for extended periods of time my body would overcompensate by stuffing myself and i would gain back the weight, #and then some. and also when i鈥檓 on the pill i just hate myself and no one really likes me all that much either., #i literally become dull. my mind becomes..... quiet. and i just. become less of a person. i do whatever is 鈥榥ecessary鈥 and don鈥檛 do much els, #it鈥檚 a horrible way to exist!! it is!! there鈥檚 many more things but i just., #it鈥檚 so strange to have people around me who only knew concerta me. to be like. oh ur so quiet and mellow :) what a calm person who sucks :), #i hated it i did i would never sing when i was on concerta even because i never felt the urge. it feels so soulless, #when i started college i took concerta more sparingly. staggered. maybe 3/5 days in the week day., #it was a mistake. the dissonance between pill me and non pill me would just be really weird, #i鈥檇 even take expired pills which i suppose were less effective, #it made me all kinds of bad especially since i was doing a degree that i had no prior experience in, #and had no passion for. that i barely put work into. by normal people standards, #anyway..... even when i decided to do linguistics i wasn鈥檛 doing great, #i went off the pill last semester?, #+ covid made everything weird + i was teaching, #so my grades fucking suck lmao, #and i鈥檓 realizing that this is the first time since i was 15 that i鈥檝e been indefinitely pill-less. and it鈥檚 a big painful reminder that, #i cannot function the way normal humans do. there are things concerta me is capable of that adhd me isn鈥檛. there鈥檚 things adhd me can do, #that concerta me can鈥檛. but even then it鈥檚 so funny because concerta me has adhd too. she does weird ass stupid shit. i fucking hate her, #but even i have to admit she鈥檚 more suited for. functionality. than adhd me, #and i鈥檓 sitting here thinking. maybe it鈥檚 time to stop kidding myself, #maybe it鈥檚 time to just...... sell my soul and just not exist as myself. i don鈥檛 know how long that will be
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Only thing that’s driving me to keep working and not just fall off the planet like I want to is that in the next year or so there’s a potential that I might be able to move and get myself started on the path to a career in horse husbandry and I don’t want to let go of/disappoint the dreams of little child me who spent hours on end absorbing anything horse related. The only reason why I hadn’t pursued it before is that because when I was little my dad’s adoptive parents visited and his mom was adamant that all her grandchildren should pursue a career, I had brought up wanting to be an equine vet. Bear in mind, I was maybe 7 at the time, my parents thought the logical course of action was to then lie to me about how many veterinary colleges there are in the states and say the wait list was so long, how could someone like me ever dream to get in?

Nearly 20 years later I’m still angry because that was the catalyst for me always doubting my mastery of anything, even if I was told by others that I was really good. I’m still trying to overcome those doubts, and other negative things my parents put into my head while “raising” me.

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wait it’s the perfect amount of quiet on here that means i can overshare freely because no one cares

#i鈥檓 getting a therapist soon, #which is really big for me, #i鈥檝e mentioned before how my parents basically eat up the stigma of therapy, #primarily my mom who鈥檚 a nurse - ironic i know, #but i kind of reached my breaking point, #not kind of. i did this week, #i may not show it yet i鈥檓 literally feeling insane 鉂わ笍 in the worst ways, #so it led them to being okay with it telling me i have to do what i have to do, #and it feels really... nice? that they took it well minus the obvious concern, #but also very weird since now they know how i鈥檓 feeling partially, #and also weird that i finally am fully acknowledging i haven鈥檛 been myself in awhile, #the awareness is frightening because it makes it more real i guess, #i鈥檓 just proud of myself though, #it was really nerve wracking to even think about bringing therapy up, #the last few times i have ended up in arguments, #i just need it now the most, #esp because zoom university is killing me more than i thought it would, #plus we never talk about these things so opening up a tad wasn鈥檛 chill either, #would love to go back to the person who was always positive i hate being so... whiny ;/, #and feeling like the entire universe is working against me ;/, #i managed my stress and mental health better before all of this now everything is out of my control and i hate it sort of thing but ya, #thanks for coming to my ted talk, #also side note emailing for consultations or waitlists makes me feel like A Real Adult ;/
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Haha fuck

#vent, #that moment when you realise Its happening again, #you know when you eat little over a couple of days and your apetite is just kicked? you can eat and you want and need to, #but you cant stomach it? yeah, #been barely eating cause theres been nothing in the house i could eat but we have food now, #can i eat though? of course i fucking cant. im barely even hungry anymore, #yesterday i ate.. 2 biscuits 2 slices of toast some chips and 2 mozzarella sticks. that was it. couldnt eat anymore cause i felt sick, #today ive eaten 2 sausage rolls a couple jaffa cakes and 3 slices of garlic cheese pizza, #for the record. when i get pizza for a dinner its a full one and i typically eat the entire thing... 3 fucking slices and i had to stop, #not to mention that i got my breakfast at 1 pm cause i completely forgot to feed myself until i was in pain, #i hate this i hate this, #its not like i can put it back to normal and just fix i, #i have to fucking wait for my body to cooperate, #... im really scared that I'll lose weight. i think thats just that creeps me the fuck out at this point, #ive only ever lost weight bc i was barely fed but now... now it'd be my fault technically, #i couldve ate more toast i couldve ate the remains of cereal we had i didnt have to let myself be hungry, #me not eating was my fault. me losing weight would be my fault this time..., #ooooookay enough of that before i set something off, #... i still jusst cant go back to eating normally.. bastard. i just wanna eat you prick stop making me feel sick when i do!!!!, #hhhh, #food, #food m, #ask to tag
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Me, clearly going through the signs of trauma that could easily lead to a relapse in some other mental condition of mine: no im doing fine thank you for asking

#my appetite is SO diminished right now, #and im definitely going through the emotional part, #but im used to the emotions, #im not really used to the appetite thing since i was already starving myself in high school, #i can barely eat half of my breakfast today which i dont usually have a problem with, #im honestly concerned it might start a relapse but at the same time i am still eating so maybe not, #i think it would be very hard for me to start an actual anorexia relapse, #ive come a really long way when it comes to my eating disorder. i could honestly say it may not be a thing anymore, #i still think a lot about food but its not necessarily in a 100% negative way anymore and im also starting to enjoy eating, #i feel like im allowed to like what im eating and not just think about how many calories it has, #so i dont think it would really happen. im just nervous. and if it was going to happen then now would be the time, #idk, #this week has been a lot, #i have new triggers now, #and when they happen i just stop breathing, #im sure itll be fine after a while but these last couple of days have felt like theyve lasted months, #retraumatizing someone with ptsd is not particularly a great thing, #especially considering i hang onto stressful situations more than a normal person, #its taken almost a full year for me to get over my car accident and it was just a little fender bender where nobody got hurt, #i wasnt having episodes about it but it was definitely stressing me out more than it would a normal person, #so idk how ill respond to this, #anyways im just ranting at this point and getting thoughts out so ill stop, #i want to say im sorry but i know i shouldnt so instead im just going to... idk. think some more i guess. try to cope
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tw: talks about my eating disorder struggles after the dots in the tags

#okay filler filler filler, #filler words fhdmbdkshrkehd, #..........................................................................................................................................., #okay i just, #i hate talking about it on this blog bc i dont wanna trigger anyone and like, #i know how easy it is to get triggered with this and i dont want people to have to worry about it from me but god i just, #im gonna fucking cry, #i was gonna eat some real fucking food for the first time today (its 2pm), #and like. i REALLY just wanted to eat bc my stomach hurts and my head hurts and im HUNGRY, #so i made a sandwich and i sit down on the couch with my mom to eat it while we watch a show and, #she fucking goes 鈥榳ow thats a big sandwich鈥 like 馃檪馃檪馃檪 thanks now i cant eat it, #she tried asking me more about it - whats in it and stuff - but i just got really snappy and went to my room, #and now im just staring at it and sipping the diet soda i grabbed to drink with it, #which was a bad choice on my part. i鈥檝e been trying not to drink diet soda anymore bc it was one of the things i LIVED off of when my ed +, #+ was rlly bad. but im all out of juice and i cant drink water rn for reasons i dont feel comfortable sharing so diet soda was my only +, #+ option, #i just keep sipping the soda and im trying not to look at the sandwich and i just wanna cry, #i feel so sick and i dont know what to do. im torn in half, #one half of me - the half of me that wants so badly to get better - is begging me to eat it anyway. i keep thinking about my boy and how he+, #+would want me to eat. he would be so sad to hear that im struggling like this and that im having such a hard time. he would encourage me +, #+ to eat bc i need to and i deserve it n im beautiful n stuff. and god i just... ive been struggling with food recently but i was getting +, #+ better i really was. i was eating anyway and i wasnt feeling THAT bad when i did... i was coping well, #but fuck... the other half of me... the half that was been itching for a relapse... all i can hear is my moms judgement playing on repeat +, #+ in my head. shes a HUGE trigger for my ed anyway - shes probably my biggest trigger. shes so small and she eats so little and i was +, #+ already struggling w the idea of eating around her. but i had managed to push thru and i had convinced myself to eat anyway and i was +, #+ feeling okay about it and then... her fucking comment, #i dont think i can eat this anymore 鈽癸笍 i have a trash bag in my room that i need to take out today anyway so... i guess it鈥檒l just go in the, #i cant handle the idea of eating it anymore. i really want to - i do - but i just... im so tired and my current mental state is fragile as +, #+ it is. eating it would be too hard right now, #i hate this i hate this i hate this
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