#but then i kept thinking about Satan getting flashbacks to when he was tied up in NB and i had to write it

[obey-me-headquarters]

hi! could u perhaps write about mc accidentally finding out about the boys’ hard limits? like, just something that triggers their fight or flight response. maybe like inflecting severe pain or something. idk… thank you and sorry if u can’t!

Summary: Reader finds out where their demons' hard limits lie.

Warning/kinks: Degradation, Mirror play, bondage, sensory deprivation, punishment, spanking (with your hand and with a paddle), public play (? You're at an orgy, so everyone around you is consenting), food play, safeword use. In general, there's some panic on the boys' part as they realize that they don't like what you're doing. Along with some of them holding in their safeword for a bit, but you reprimand them for it.

Word count: 8,500+

Reader is completely gender natural and their genital isn't described.

-

Lucifer:

You know that Lucifer has complicated feelings when it comes to his body. He hates that he's missing a set of wings, but he wouldn't go back in time and stop himself from tearing them out. Yet his preference towards wearing as many layers as possible stems from more of a fear of being vulnerable than a lack of confidence in his body.

If anything, he's a bit overconfident in his physical appearance, if someone were to ask you.

("Is it really overconfidence, or simply knowing what I'm worth?"

"It's overconfidence Luci, my beautiful stupidity prideful demon.")

Using mirror play in the bedroom has proven to be an excellent way to break down Lucifer's walls. Whenever the demon struggled to get into subspace all it took was bringing out a mirror and having him nakedly kneel in front of it while you remained fully clothed for him to fall straight into subspace.

Something about him being so vulnerable while you remained untouched and fully clothed did something to him. Made him feel small and submissive. You didn't quite understand, but you definitely saw the appeal.

So, when Lucifer struggled to get into subspace one evening. When collars and putting him over your knee didn't do the trick, you brought out the mirror. It was full length and wide, able to reflect nearly half of the entire room, but you doubt that Lucifer would pay much attention to anything besides you or himself.

As you place Lucifer in front of the mirror he snaps at you, barring his teeth into a snarl and you know that tonight is going to be a difficult fight of trying to get him to relax enough to slip into subspace.

That proves true when you watch Lucifer struggle to fall into subspace. His pride battling his desire to be vulnerable and let you take control, you watch as he relaxes, before tensing up and snarling, before relaxing again, creating a vicious cycle.

Determined to break it, you decide to try something else that always makes Lucifer squirmy and lightheaded:

Degradation

"God, you're pathetic," you hiss as you pace around the demon. "Look at you, snarling at your own reflection like a wild animal. You know, sometimes I think you're no better than a wild animal with how much you fly off the handle."

Lucifer blushes at your words, but his pride is still roaming, and it doesn't let himself relax just yet.

"How dare-"

"Shut up!" You snap, wrapping a hand around Lucifer's mouth to silence him.

"Shut your dirty, lying, cheating mouth! How dare you think you can talk like you have something worthwhile to say."

Lucifer's breath catches in his throat, as the haze of vulnerability starts to creep up on him. Seeing his desire spark in his eyes you smirk and continue.

"Come on Luci. We both know that you never said anything worthwhile in your life. That at the end of the day, you're worthless. No, no, you're less than worthless. You only seem to make everything worst, don't you?"

Lucifer feels his pride crumble at your words, washing away as he starts to feel truly insignificant.

"You can never do anything right, can you? Not for Diavolo, not for your brothers, and certainly not for me."

The mention of disappointing Diavolo and his brothers strikes something inside of Lucifer, something he wasn't prepared to feel. Yet before he can examine what he's feeling, you continue.

"You're constantly fucking up, disappointing everyone around you. I wonder how long it'll be before everyone around you sees what I see. Do you know what I see Luci?"

Breath catching in his throat, Lucifer shakes his head.

You raise his chin with your index finger and direct it to the mirror, and Lucifer flinches when he sees himself.

He knows he would look vulnerable, and normally he would take great delight in how small and weak he looks compared to you, but coupled with your words, instead of feeling small and submissive and safe in your gaze, he feels like dirt. Normally when he drops down into subspace he feels soft and cared for, now he can't help but feel worthless and exposed.

Your sneer doesn't help as you take in the kneeling demon.

"Ugh, look at you. Can you believe that you used to be considered the star of the Celestial Realm?" You grab onto Lucifer's chin and force him to look at himself in the mirror.

"Well, can you?" You demand.

"N-no." He asks barely a whisper as tears spring to his eyes.

Immediately your hand drops from his chin as you stare at your demon in alarm. You're used to Lucifer being shy, especially as you break his pride down, you're used to his tears, but you never heard your demon sound so broken before.

"Luci, darling, are you ok?" You ask softly.

"I, I can't believe that I used to be the star of the Celestial Realm, Master. I am, sniff, I am worthless." Lucifer ignores your concern as he continues to cry, tears dripping down his cheeks.

Immediately you wrap your arms around him and pull him into your chest. "Hey, hey, shhhhh. It's ok baby. I don't think you're worthless. Demonus, ok? Demonus, the scene is done, it's over." You repeat your safeword a few times so Lucifer knows that the scene is over.

As you continue to hold Lucifer against you, mumbling praise and assurances slowly the demon starts to calm down. When his tears finally stop he leans away from you for a moment to catch his breath.

"Sorry, I- sorry. I don't know what came over him." He says, looking everywhere but your face or the mirror.

"It's ok sweetheart, you know you never have to apologize for needing to stop the scene. You know that right?"

"Yes, I'm aware. I just, didn't expect to react that way."

"If you're willing, do you mind telling me what caused it?"

Lucifer sighs and collapses back into your hold, and you think for a moment that he's going to shrug the whole scene off, but after a beat of silence he answers:

"It was the degradation. Normally I like it, love it even. But as I fell into subspace, hearing you talk about me like that made me feel vulnerable, and not in a good way."

Blinking, you will your tears away for now. Later, when tensions are lower, and everything isn't so raw the two of you will have a more in-depth conversation about this and will be able to apologize. Now your demon needs you.

"Thank you so much for telling me, baby. I just want you to know that I didn't mean a word of what I said. I, and I'm sure everyone else, rely heavily on you. We don't think you're worthless at all."

"I know," Lucifer states, a bit of his prideful overconfidence returning.

"Now, why don't the two of us stop laying on the floor and listen to a few of my records instead? I got this new one that curses those who listen to it to sing until their throat bleeds." Lucifer stands, reaching out a hand to pull you up.

It's a bit silly, seeing the still naked demon being so confident, but you hold all teasing remarks as you follow along.

-

Mammon:

You wanted to do so much to Mammon that it became a question of not what you'll do to him, but what he'll allow you to do to him.

And it turns out Mammon will allow you to do a lot.

Hence the list. After a very exciting night of thinking about every fantasy, kink, and wet dream you ever had, you came up with a list of what you wanted to do with Mammon, and are currently in the process of working through that list.

A lot of things on the list Mammon never tried (or heard about) before, which took a lot of talking, and a lot of easing him into certain kinks. The very kink you're trying out tonight being one he never tried before.

You gather up everything you'll need for tonight. A blindfold, noise-canceling headphones, and a pair of chains. You're a bit excited that the blindfold and headphones are magic, meaning that cut off all light and noise, as it was basically impossible to find a human realm blindfold that blocks out all light.

You could tell Mammon was getting excited too by the way he keeps eyeing the items, but in his usual Mammon way, he keeps that fact to himself.

It's adorable how he rushes to lay against the headboard at your command, as he's usually a bit of a brat and drags his feet before obeying your orders.

The chains are the first thing to go, seeing as Mammon and you were intimately familiar with them. As you lean over to secure the right cuff Mammon steals a kiss, leaning upward his lips ghosts over your cheek. With a grin, you pin him to the bed.

"Greedy boy~ we haven't even gotten started and yet you're already teasing."

"Guess it's just in my nature to be a little greedy." He teases back.

Rolling your eyes you give him one last real kiss on the lips before cuffing him to the bedframe. As you back to enjoy your work you can't help but feel giddy.

Pulling out the blindfold and headphones you turn to your demon with a grin as you present them both to him.

"Blindfold or headphones first?"

Mammon looks a bit caught off guard at being asked his preference, before eyeing them both critically. After a beat, he answers: "The headphones, I want the extra time to see you."

You huff at the flirt, not believing just how bold your demon can get under the right circumstances. (The circumstances being chained to the bed as you lay on top of him.) Leaning down you place the headphones around his ears and give him a moment to adjust.

"Wow, this is really weird! Woah! I can't even hear my voice! Am I being loud? I feel loud!"

Rolling your eyes you lean down and tap Mammon twice against the forehead - the signal you two came up with when you want to check in.

"I'm really to go! Just give me one last moment to look into your eyes -" Mammon stares into your eyes unblinking for a solid five seconds "- I'm good to go!"

Wrapping the blindfold around his head you plunge your demon into darkness.

And it is incredibly weird for Mammon. As a demon he has pretty good night vision, so even in complete darkness he can make out shapes pretty well. So being in complete darkness takes him a moment to get used to.

The warmth of your body grounds him, and it doesn't take long before he's relaxing into the plush bed.

Shimmy downwards, you try to make yourself comfortable sitting between Mammon's legs, sitting right in front of his cock. Leaning down you give the half hard cock a puff of air and watch as Mammon jumps at the sensation.

"Th-that felt weird. It felt like, a lot? Even though it was so little?" Mammon mumbles, and you wonder if you're going to get a rubbing commentary the entire night.

Maybe you should have added a gag to your myriad of tools.

Wrapping your hands around your demon's dick you begin to slowly pump it. Mammon gasps at the feeling, before moaning and leaning into your touch. Your touch is light and extremely slow, but the demon has always been extremely sensitive and it doesn't take much before he's nearly spilling.

"I'm cumming-"

Your hands fly away at his words, and he growls in annoyance. With a grin, he can't see you bounce off of the bed and begin looking through your toy chest. Normally Mammon would be peaking over, curious about what you'll pick out. But seeing as he can't currently do that, you grin as you realize that you're going to completely surprise him with whatever you pick.

As Mammon comes down from his high he realizes that you're no longer on the bed. The warmth he previously felt emulating from you is gone, and his heart quickens as he realizes that he's alone.

"Hey, what's the big idea? Where'd you go?" Mammon calls out.

You roll your eyes at the dramatics, too busy with shifting through the toy box. "In a minute, Mamms, I'm just getting a few toys." You answer, half forgetting that he can't currently hear. Mammon was just so loud, so responsive, that you momentarily let it slip from your mind that he didn't actually expect a response from you, and couldn't receive one.

Mammon tries his best to calm down. Surely you're just messing with him, right? Wanting to make him crack and beg for your touch? You do like to make him beg. Yup, that's it. You were just teasing him.

You are still definitely in the room with him.

Right?

Seconds become minutes to Mammon as he strains his ears to hear you. Normally he knew exactly where you were and what you were doing, even when he was kneeling and staring at the ground his demon senses allow him to hear everything. Now he has no idea where you are or what you're doing.

"Ok, fine, fine! I give! Can you please touch me?" Mammon whines.

Picking up the fleshlight you want to use on him you intend to do just that. Only to realize that the demon forgot to clean it. Gagging you put the toy aside to clean later, and decide to punish your demon by continuing to ignore him by looking through the toy box.

"Come on, please." His voice takes on a real edge of desperation as he starts to spiral.

What if you left? What if you got bored of him and decided that you didn't want to play with him anymore? Is he all alone, begging to an empty room because he wasn't good enough? He begins to fight against his chains in earnest now, instead of the teasing, testing pulls he's used to. But he finds that they're locked up tight and that he can't break out of them.

Will you hear his safeword if he says it?

Finally finding a suitable and clean toy you stand up and stretch. Glancing over at your boyfriend, you notice that he's strangely calm as he's no longer begging or struggling against the chains. You believe that he's just pouting and the second you touch him he'll start whining about you taking forever.

Before you can reach him, Mammon mumbles out a soft, broken, "Goldie".

Dropping the toy in your hand you rush over to him and immediately remove the headphones before moving onto the blindfold.

"Hey, hey it's alright. I'm right here." You mumble, hands shaking as you lean up to undo the cuffs.

Mammon has never safeworded before, and you're kinda panicking at the moment, but you do your best to remain calm as you rush to take off the chains.

The second Mammon lays eyes on you he lunges at you, pinning you to the bed in a hug. His arms are firm, yet they shake as they hold you. It takes you a moment to realize that the wetness you feel on your neck is from Mammon, but once you do you coo in sympathy.

"I thought you left me," Mammon whispers into your chest.

Blinking back tears you lean down to kiss the demon's forehead.

"I would never leave you alone like that Mamms. I just wanted to get a toy from the toy chest. I'm sorry, I should have communicated that to you."

"It's alright just... I don't think blindfolds and noise-canceling headphones are for me."

"That's OK, that's alright. Sometimes we're going to find stuff we don't like."

-

Levi:

Levi is an extremely obedient sub. In your many months of dating each other he never once received a punishment. You two set out rules together, with him not being allowed to touch himself without your permission and him being required to leave his room and go to RAD a certain number of times each month.

You had expected a rule to be broken at least once, so you were very surprised to see that it never was. Levi was just obedient, and even when he didn't want to do the thing you ordered him to do, he did it. (Even with an excessive bit of whining)

So you were content to never punish your scaly demon.

Levi wasn't.

"Why do you never punish me," Levi asks, pouting in his bathtub. His face is partially hidden by the pillow he's clenching to his chest.

"Because you never actually break a rule or be a brat?"

"Hmmmmm," Levi pouts. "It's not fair! You punish the others! Yet you never punish me. Is it because you don't want to? Because you could never bring yourself to punish a gross otaku like me?"

Holding back a laugh you crawl into the bathtub. Really, only your Levi could be envious of those you've punished.

"Well, if you're so interested in being punished, why don't you do something bad?"

Levi's eyes snap towards yours, like he never actually considered that option. "Gahhhh?!? Be, be bad? How could I, wouldn't you hate me forever?!"

Softening you reach across the tub to cup Levi's face in your hands. Moving his shocked face towards yours you pepper his face in kisses.

"Nope! Levi, I could never hate you." You say softly, stopping your kissing momentarily to gaze sincerely at your boyfriend.

Levi blushes at the look and hides his face in the pillow that's currently squished between you two.

"O-ok, if you say you wouldn't hate me, I'll, I'll try being bad!"

-

You walk towards Levi's room with a pep in your step, excited to continue playing the new RPG the demon recently brought. You only stopped playing last night as your eyes burned too much for you to continue looking at the screen.

As you cheerfully open the door to Levi's room you immediately notice that something is off about the demon. Instead of excitedly smiling at you and handing a controller over to you, he's curled up on his gaming chair and nervously fidgeting with the blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

"What's wrong?" You ask. Standing over your boyfriend you check him over. Did Mammon steal something of his again? Was an anime he liked canceled?

Levi shakes off your concern and reaches for a controller. "N-nothing is wrong! We don't we start playing?"

He shoves the controller into your hand before scurrying off to turn on the game console. Unsure of what else to do to help your nervous demon you follow along, thinking that he'll open up once you start playing.

As the title screen of the game pops up you see Levi nervously staring at you in the corner of your eye, and you debate asking again if he's alright. Before you're able the title sequence stops and you press the "play" button. A column of saves pops up, and in your confusion, you momentarily forget about Levi's nervousness completely.

"Levi, where's my save?" You ask, flicking between the different saves, yours mysteriously gone.

"Oh well. Um. I sorta maybe, deleted it?" He says in a whisper so quiet you have to strain to hear it.

Snapping your head towards him you watch as Levi nervously fidgets. His left arm is covering his face in a classic sign of Levi's nervousness as a blush paints his cheeks.

Wait. Blush?

All of a sudden your previous conversation about punishment from yesterday comes back to you. You honestly didn't believe that Levi would gather up the courage to do something "bad", so you're momentarily impressed that he did.

All previous concerns about your save fly out the window, as you're sure that Levi backed up the save and is only pretending to have deleted it to elicit this punishment. Stalking forward you wrap your arms around your demon's shoulders and force him to face you.

"Oh, did you know? I didn't know my little demon could be so.... naughty~" You tease.

Levi's face darkens, at both your close proximity and your words. His mouth opens to defend himself but no words make it out. You watch as Levi reboots himself as you teasingly rub circles onto his shoulders.

As moments pass by and Levi is nowhere closer to calming down, you decide to pick up the lead again. "Does my demon want to be punished? Is that it? Were you sitting here in your room wondering what you could do to make me mad and pull you over my knee?"

Wordlessly Levi nods and confirmation, and you can't help but laugh a little. Even when being punished your demon can't help but be good for you.

Returning to your chair once again, you pat your chair and pat your thighs expectingly. Rushing to comply Levi lays across your thighs, and you give him a warning smack of what's to come.

"Ah!" Levi cries out, more in surprise than any real pain, as it will take a lot more than a little smack to hurt a demon Iike him.

It's not the first time you had Levi over your knee, though the previous times were more to explore a curiosity than for a punishment. Yet the previous experiences fill you with confidence, as you know where to smack to tease him, and where to smack that will cause him real pain.

As Levi gets himself situated on your lap you pull down his pants in one quick motion, jeans and all. The demon shivers as cold air meets his rear and you laugh at the pout he gives you in response.

Testing out the waters you give the bare ass a firm smack, and delight in the way Levi flinches at being caught off guard.

"Ah hmmm!" Levi moans, thrusting back for more.

"I expect you to count and thank me after each hit Levi-chan." You say sternly.

"O-one! Thank you, Master!"

Grinning you continue, giving your demon a few more smacks. You didn't give him a number on purpose, as you want to see how many smacks it'll take before his ass is a bright red and he's sobbing out for mercy.

As his ass gets redder and redder Levi begins to squirm against you, thrusting his hips against your thighs. You sigh in response, deep and disappointed, and the sound snaps Levi out of his pleasure filled hazy.

"No grinding against me. This is a punishment, remember? You're not supposed to be enjoying this."

Your tone is harsh, and it sends Levi flinching. You never sounded so.... frustrated in a scene before. Levi is used to you being teasing and gentle, always there with a soft word and a teasing touch. The idea of you being upset with him sends him spiraling.

Tensing up Levi tries his hardest to sit still and obey you, believing that maybe if he shows you that he can be good, and is willing to listen to your commands, you'll praise him. (You'll still want him.)

The next few swings of your fast, delivered before Levi has the chance to count them individually. Because of this, he miscounts them.

"Fifteen, s-sixteen, seventeen! Th-thank you, master."

Slowly, as Levi catches his breath your hand trails upward before suddenly wrapping tightly around his hair. Pulling him upward you lean down to whisper in your best Disappointed Dom voice: "Are you sure you counted right?"

Levi feels his heart stop at your words. He did, right?! He wouldn't miscount - didn't mean to miscount! He swears! It was an accident-

Slowly you watch as Levi's breath starts to stutter, stopping completely before gasping in and out. Immediately you drop your hold and Levi begins to hyperventilate against you.

"Sorry, I'm s-sorry. Didn't -gasp- didn't mean to! Sorry!"

Instantly you pick the demon up and hold his back towards his chest, hopeful that the extra room will allow him to calm down, as you begin mumbling praise into his ear.

"Hey, hey, it's ok! I'm not angry, I promise! There's no need to be sorry, it's ok, I forgive you."

Eventually, Levi gets his breathing under control, and he collapses against you once he does. Shifting him slightly, you pull him into your chest and he immediately buries his face into your neck. You continue to whisper praise as you being to gently stroke his back, allowing Levi the time to compose himself.

"I'm sorry." Is the first thing he says when he does.

"I know baby, I know. There's nothing to apologize for, though, you know that right? When I was disappointed that was only a part of the scene, right? Like when you sometimes pretend to not like something when you do."

Mutely you feel Leve nod against you.

"I, I didn't actually delete your save. I have it backed up on my computer."

"I know, sweetheart, I know." You whisper before leaning down to kiss the top of his head.

"How about this, we continue sitting here for a bit longer, and then we both get something to eat and drink. Then we have a little chat about the scene before loading up my save?"

Levi grumbles at the idea of actually having to talk about what happened, but he nods against you once.

"Good boy. That's my good boy."

-

Satan:

You hold up a pair of handcuffs and Satan grins.

You two haven't played around with the idea of bondage much, there were other kinks that you wanted to try out first. Sure, you toyed around with pinning his hands down to the bed or ordering him to sit still while you edged him. But you two have yet to use any tool to bind him.

A distinct click echoes throughout the room as you fasten the cuff to his right hand before moving to his left. His hands are looped around the bedframe, stopping him from reaching down to touch himself or you as you play with him.

A wise choice seeing as you plan to edge him until he's sobbing.

The first edge passes through him well, only resulting in a choked-off groan before you give him a few moments to calm down. As you do Satan begins to pull at the handcuffs, testing out their strength.

As he pulls his hands back and forth he feels his heartbeat pick up for a different reason. A looming sense of dread slowly starts to creep in, but before he can focus on it you begin to stroke his dick once again.

Arousal floods through his system once again, but so does anxiety. As he chases his denied relief once more he pulls against the handcuffs, flinching when they make a loud clicking noise as they scrape against the headboard.

When you shift away to allow him to cool off the anxiety settles in replacing all thoughts of arousal. He begins to fight earnestly against the handcuffs, pushing and pulling them, trying to will them to break. But they're strong cuffs, made out of demon-resistant metal and almost impossible to break.

In your mind all you can see is Satan shaking against the bed, sneaking out the pleasure you've denied him. But in Satan's, he's reliving an experience he hasn't felt in thousands of years: entrapment.

Memories of heavy chains wrapping around his body, caging him in and denying his escape as he withers and shakes in rage. Memories of dark closets and being chained to this very same bed as he screamed out curses and profanities until his throat bleed.

He thought he was past this stage of his life, where he was angry and trapped. Caged like a wild animal.

"S-SHAKESPEARE!" Satan growls out your safeword - a safeword that has never been used before.

It takes you a second to realize what he said, but once you do you're on him in an instant. Reaching up you fumble with the keys to the handcuffs as Satan struggles beneath you. You whisper praise and assurances as you unlock the cuffs, but you doubt he can hear you.

The moment he's free Satan flinches backward, his back hitting the wall as he scrambles to get away from you. His eyes are wide, his pupils are pinpricks as he studies the world around him. Akin to a wild, caged animal he crotches down like he's preparing to lunge, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

You know he wouldn't attack you, yet you do your best to look passive as you raise your hands in surrender.

It takes a few moments, but eventually, Satan comes back to himself. He seems to realize where he is, and what's going on, as he composes himself.

"Baby, are you ok?" You ask in a low, gentle tone.

And Satan breaks.

He completely shatters as he rushes into your arms. You barely have time to realize what's going on before you feel your chest wetten as Satan begins to sob.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry." You mumble, hands lightly touching Satan's head. When he leans into the touch you begin gently petting him.

"It's, sniff, it's ok. You didn't know I would react like that. I didn't even know I would react like that."

"Still, I saw you struggling against the handcuffs, I should have checked up on you."

Satan doesn't know what to say to that, too tired to try to argue with you so he simply hums in response. After a few minutes of sitting in comfortable silence, your hands threading through his hair, he leans up and rubs the remainder of the tears out of his eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it? Or would you rather we do something else?" You ask, rubbing circles into his back.

"Can we read a bit first?" Satan asks, and on a normal day he would cringe at how timid he sounds, but he's too tired to care right now.

One day he'll tell you about his "childhood". About this memories of chains and ropes, of dark rooms and confined spaces, of rage and curses.

But now he just wants you to hold him as the two of you pour over a good murder mystery, him free to move around and shift, and you with your hands wrapped around his waist.

-

Asmo:

You and Asmo tried nearly every kink known to man, and even some only known to demons. So you know when Asmo's limits lie, and he knows yours. You know when he's fake whining to get a rise out of you, and when his cries border on actually "too much", you can tell the difference between pleasure tears and pain tears, and after many many conversations you know what kinks he absolutely wouldn't want to try under any circumstances.

Fortunately, polygamy wasn't one of them.

It wasn't often the two of you invited another into your bed, you could entertain each other just fine. But sometimes you wanted to see Asmo dom another person, or Asmo wanted to show off his skills next to a less experienced sub, and gangbangs were just fun! You only had two hands, and sometimes you wanted to see Asmo be taken apart by a dozen.

The orgy the two of you are going to tonight didn't have a "main character", but it was hosted by a prominent sex toy brand owner, and Asmo said that the snack bar was "to die for". So you decided to give it a try.

Asmo was being a brat the whole car ride over, pawing at your jacket and trying to kiss you. Trying to save the poor Uber driver you tell your demon to behave, but Asmo only giggles in response as he tries, and fails, to undo your buttons.

You hope that once you got to the orgy Asmo would settle down, but he's  committed to being a brat. As you hand over your coat to the door demon, Asmo rushes ahead of you and sits down onto the lap of a demon he knows, who is very clearly in the middle of having their dick sucked by another attendee.

He tries to persuade them to let him take over and replace their sub's spot, but you're able to pull Asmo away by his collar and onto your lap.

For one glorious moment, you believe that this calms your demon down enough to start behaving, as he quiets down once as he gets settled. It wasn't long after that another demon started up a conversation with you, asking if you were the legendary exchange student, and how you felt about RAD.

While you talked Asmo absentmindedly sucks on your fingers. He tries squirming against your lap, but one smack to his thigh was a clear message for him to calm down.

Or so you thought.

When Asmo continues to grind against you and begins adding teeth to his sucking, you snap. If he was so determined to be punished tonight, he would get punished.

Rising you stand before Asmo wearing your best Disappointed Dom look. He giggles at the look, clearly happy that he thinks he's getting what he wants. That is a public spanking.

You have different plans though, and you walk towards a corner of the room no one is standing near. Snapping your fingers at the corner you command your demon:

"Asmo, over here now."

Asmo rushes off the couch to obey as he skips over. He eyes you a curious look as you force him to his knees, obviously not expecting his punishment to be somewhere so out of the way and private. You pay it no mind, and when he sinks to the floor and assumes a standard kneeling position you give him another command:

"You're not to move, and unless it's your safeword you're not allowed to speak either until I say your punishment is over."

He pouts as he feels the command take hold, staring up at you with pleading eyes. But you don't allow yourself to be swayed.

"Since you were so determined to be a brat and not be patient, this is your punishment. When I think you're finally to sit still I will release you."

You give him one last pat on the head before making your way back to the couch.

As you resume your conversation with the other demon about RAD, more demons start to join in. Some are curious about your life as an exchange student while others are more concerned with the reason why you're here.

A bold demon leaned in close and whispered something in your ear, causing you to blush and gently swat their arm. After that it was like the other demons suddenly remember that they were at an orgy and not a press conference, and began cuddling up to you.

All the while Asmo stews from his spot kneeling in the corner. At first, he was upset at you for hiding him, but now that you're getting more and more attention a prickle of envy runs through him. Not at you, but at the demons now vying for your attention. You should be focused on him - even if it was to punish him.

Normally Asmo wouldn't mind you getting cozy with a few other demons, under different circumstances he would have been delighted to sit back and watch as you had your way with a few of them. Now? When he's hidden away in a corner, forgotten?

Something stings in Asmo, and he desperately tries to whine out for your attention, but the command stops him. All that leaves him is the wheeze of his chest as he desperately tries to force words out of his mouth. Your safeword was on the tip of his tongue, and if you two were alone he wouldn't hesitate to say it, but something about being in a room full of demons stop him.

He's the Avatar the lust, and this is barely a punishment, what would the other demons say if they saw him use his safeword just because he was put into a corner? He knows that safewording isn't a sign of weakness, but he can't shake the thought of what rumors might follow him if he shows vulnerability.

But when he sees a demon crawl into your lap, and you kiss them on the lips, he can't help but yell out a desperate "Majolish"!

Immediately you push the demon out of your lap and rush toward Asmo. Your knees hit the ground with a loud thud but you pay it no mind you kneel before the now sobbing demon.

"All commands are over! Asmo are you ok, what happened?!"

Asmo doesn't waste a second as his arms shot around you and pull you close. As he sobs into your chest your hands slowly wrap around your demon, trying to piece together what went wrong. You don't get must time to think before Asmo's lips are on yours, kissing you desperately, which you quickly return with enthusiasm. Asmo calms down once you make it clear that you desire him, slumping into your chest.

When you break for air you timidly look around the room and breathe a sigh of relief as you notice that the surrounding demons are making an effort not you look in your direction. As you make eye contact with a demon they mouth out a "side room" while pointing at a closed door.

Understanding that this must be some type of aftercare room, or simply a private room couples can retreat into, you quickly pull Asmo up and lead him into the room. As you make it through the doorway you relax as you see that no one else is in there and gently push Amso onto the bed.

"Asmo, sweetheart, darling, we don't have to talk about what happened right away, but I do want to make you feel better. Can you please tell me if there's anything I can do?"

Asmo, whose been holding your hand in a death grip slowly nods as his other hand wipes at his tears.

"Yeah, yes of course. Just can you, can you hold me for a bit?" His voice gets quieter at the end. "Maybe tell me you love me?"

It's rare to see Asmo so shaken up, even after using his safeword, and something breaks inside of you. But you're determined to focus on him, and you nod.

"Of course baby, scout over."

Asmo does as he's told and you're quick to pull him into a tight hug before you begin to slowly rock him back and forth. All the while whispering praise into his ear about how much you adore him, and how beautiful he is.

-

Beel:

It seemed so simple when you suggested the idea: why not mix two of Beel's biggest pleasures and bring food into the bedroom?

You haven't had much experience with food play before, but after doing some research (watching porn on DevilHub and writing down things you found hot), you were confident you could make food sexy.

After discussing what will happen in the scene, you and Beel come up with a game plan. Beel was a bit worried about not being able to focus on sex when he was eating, so you proposed a solution: you will command Beel to sit still and tease him with food from Madam Screams. When he's a good boy and shows patience, you'll reward him by feeding him a piece of food and then stroking his dick. Trapping in a cycle of wanting pleasure, and being hungry.

The start of the scene went according to plan, with Beel able to control himself as he sinks to his knees in front of you. You dangle a curly fry in front of his face, and Beel drools at the sight.

Teasing him you press the fry against his lips and tell him by a good boy and hold it there. Like a dog, Beel obeys and holds the treat against his lips and makes no move to bite. While your other hand sinks to the edge of his boxers.

Palming his dick Beel lets out a guttural groan, the motion causing the fry to ever so slightly push past his lips and he gets a slight taste of the slaty goodness before you rip it away. The glutton barely has time to mourn that loss before he sinks into pleasure once more as you pull his dick out of his underwear.

Already hard and dripping Beel's dick bounces against his stomach, and you coo in delight.

"Oh baby, you're already so wet for me. Excited already?"

Beel moans in response, unable to think clearly as it was growing harder to think through the pleasure filled haze of his mind.

Wrapping your hand around your dick you give it a firm tug, just how he likes it. All thoughts of food and hunger spill out of his mind as you begin playing with his dick.

Until you press the curly fry against his nose and he breathes in the scent. Hunger overtakes him once more as he tries to lunge for it, but you move it away before he's able. Pressing a firm finger against his slit Beel groans as he's stuck in a tug of war between his two different desires. Food, and sex.

As you deny him his treat once again a growl rumbles through his chest and you pause. Beel has never growled like that during sex before. Smiling you continue to jack him off, but Beel is less excited about his rough growl. He normally tries so hard to keep his hunger rage away from you, what if he loses control?

You don't give him much time to worry about concern as you pump him toward an orgasm. Yet the moment Beel feels like he's going to tip over, your hands retreat and he's left wanting.

As a reward you pop the fry into the demon's panting mouth and he instantly inhales it. But it doesn't provide him much relief as he just feels hungrier.

Beel is used to fighting off his hunger and he's used to you edging him. But dealing with both at once? It's an overwhelming, all encompassing desire he never felt before.

And he's not sure if he likes it.

As you lean down to touch his dick once again Beel lets out a throaty whine, sounding more desperate than you ever heard him before. Horny, but worried you glance up at your gentle giant.

"Are you doing alright, buddy?"

"Hungry- no, horny. I can't, I don't know. I want to stop." He rushes out the last part quickly, but you hear it all the same.

"Oh! OK, alright. Yeah, we can stop no problem. Um, which one do you want first? Do you want me to get you off first or do you want to eat first?"

Beel moans hopelessly at the question, and you mentally berate yourself for even asking. It's not like he can't do both at once.

Shoving a handful of fries into his mouth you begin pumping his dick in earnest now, determined to actually get him off this time. Every time Beel moans in hunger you're quick to feed him more food, and Beel is treated to the sensation of eating while getting pleasure.

It doesn't take long for him to cum, shooting into your hands and getting a bit of your chin as he does. As he breathes out a sigh of relief he lays boneless against you, and you remember to finally undo the sit still command you previously placed on him.

Patting his back with one hand the other reaches over to grab a nearby drink and you hand it to him to help wash down the food. After he downs it one gulp he leans back to give you a dopey, but incredibly fond look.

"That was nice. I liked it when you feed me while jacking me off."

Grinning at the honesty, you lean in and kiss your demon.

"Thank you. I liked how desperate you were and how to relied on me to give you everything you wanted. What about the teasing?"

"I.... didn't like that. I was afraid I'll get too needy and hurt you." Beel says the last part ashamed and you're quick to lean up to give him another kiss.

"I get that, it seemed like a lot. If you want to do this again I would tease you again, I promise."

Beel grins, and you momentarily mourn your wallet at how much food you'll be buying in the future. But that fond look is enough to banish all mournful thoughts in an instant.

"I'll like that."

-

- Belphie:

Belphie being a brat isn't a new development for you. He's been a brat since the first time you bedded him. Which resulted in a lot of punishments. A lot.

You almost believe that Belphie prefers to be punished than his regular scenes, and that makes you want to up the ante and show him a real punishment is like. Maybe you'll finally convince him to be obedient for once.

So you got a new toy you wanted to try with him, a paddle. It's a thick, strong paddle. Made in the Devildom because you don't think a human realm one will survive Belphie's ass.

Yet the demon doesn't so much as cower when you present the toy to him after he caused you to sleep in and miss class again. Well, you'll show him. You'll have him pleading for mercy in no time.

The Avatar of Sloth, true to his name, doesn't put up any type of a fight as you pull him across your lap. Only grinning when you pull his pants down and you notice that he's not wearing any underwear.

"You were really committed to being a brat today, weren't you?" You tease, giving the demon a quick pop on the ass with the paddle.

Belphie moans at the sensation, and giggles a cheeky "no". Wasting no time with foreplay you get right into business by delivering a fury of blows to the demon's plush. You don't bother to tell him to count them, knowing that he wouldn't, or that he'll miscount on purpose.

Moaning at the feeling Belphie arches his back as he leans into the swatting, enjoying the pushing sensation.

Yet, as time continues and you keep hitting and his ass gets redder and redder Belphie starts to feel weird..... tender. You normally don't cause him to feel this raw until much later in his punishment. When both of your hands sting with the amount of blows you dealt, the two of you are out of breath and ready to tear each other's clothes off.

As you strike down the paddle once again, Belphie feels something he hasn't felt in a very long time:

Pain

Sure, your spankings hurt before. But it was more of a force, a push, a physical reaction to movement than any real kind of pain.

And Belphie is not prepared to handle real pain. As the spoiled youngest of the Avatars, he's used to not having to lift a finger. This made your punishments even more exciting as Belphie felt the closest he did to pain he felt in a long time, without actually crossing over into actual pain.

He may not be as physically resistant as Beel or Lucifer, but he's still an Avatar, a high class demon who can take a lot before anything even fazes him.

Which makes this situation laughable.

A simple human like you, causing him, a ruler of the Devildom, pain? It's impossible, it should be impossible.

Yet here he is, forcing back tears as a flimsy wooden paddle causes him pain he hasn't felt since the Celestial War. He wants to laugh, but he wants to cry even more.

The safeword is on the tip of his tongue, but he refuses to cave. He's been spanked dozens of times before, why should he admit defeat over a stupid paddle? He knows you'll disagree with him framing it like that, but you're too busy creating welts on his ass to argue with Belphie's mind.

When you show no signs of stopping or slowing down, Belphie starts to crack. For once he just wants a punishment to be over and for him to apologize and for you to hold him in your arms.

When you strike down once more, Belphie cries out a "No!" That's a little too desperate, a little too panicked, that snaps you out of your rhythm

"Baby?" You ask, placing the paddle next to you. "Are you ok? Do you need a breather?" You know not to suggest stopping, as Belphie will scoff at the notion before edging you on, but something about the way he's flinching makes you want to pause the scene for a moment.

"No," Belphie sniffs, hand reaching upward to rub the tears out of his. "No I'm fine, keep going." He insits, but you notice the way he leans away from you as he says it. Belphie may be a brat, he may pretend to huff and hate punishments, but he never shifted away from you during a scene pause.

Placing down the paddle beside you, you host Belphie up and press him against your chest. The moment you do he's hiding his face in your shirt, an act of shyness that's out of character for the demon.

"Belphie, baby, are you ok? We can stop if you want to."

Belphie sniffles against your shift and you raise your hands to rub comforting circles into his skin.

"I'm fine, just.... I'm not letting a stupid paddle break me." He mumbles out the last part, but you're able to catch the gist of it and you frown.

"You know that's now how that works. You're not admitting defeat, or saying you're not strong enough if you use your safeword."

Believe grumbles out a response you don't catch, but you doubt he's agreeing with you. Shifting his head upwards you create eye contact between the two of you, and don't relent until he's staring into your eyes.

"What if I didn't want to do something and so I used our safeword? Am I breaking then?"

Belphie pouts, knowing that he'll never think any less of you if you were to use the safeword. So reluctantly he shakes his head.

"Well, why's it any different for you? Because you're a demon?"

He flashes pink at being so easily read, and he keeps his mouth shut as he shrinks down.

"No, but......" Belphie trails off, unsure of what to say. Smiling softly you lean forward to press a kiss into his lips, one he's quick to mirror.

"Alrighty, so no more holding in your safeword, ok?"

With an exaggerated sigh, Belphie nods before cuddling up to you. As you lay down with your arms wrapped around him, careful to shift him so his tender ass isn't touching anything, you begin stroking his hair. In the following silence, all that can be heard is the steady rise and fall of both of your chests before Belphie says determined:

"I'm going to burn that paddle though."

-

#obey me #obey me smut #obeymesmut #obey me dom!reader #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me asmo #obey me satan #obey me Beel #obey me belphie #my post #i swear this post was SUPPOSED to be short and sweet. #a little break while i work on my OTHER incredibly long fic #but then i kept thinking about Satan getting flashbacks to when he was tied up in NB and i had to write it #why i didnt just post my original short thoughts and then add Satan's part in a reblog #idk. #and since i written a mini fic for satan OBVIOUSLY i had to do it for the rest of the brothers!! #ok but ive been working on this for a few days. when i had a bit of freetime ill write a brothers part #the actual order i wrote these in was Satan. Asmo. Lucifer. Mammons and Levis got mixed up because i went inbetween them whenever i got #tired of working on their part #then Beel and then Belphie #idk if that like. shows lol #anyways. um. thank you for the ask!!! #i obviously thought about it really hard lol #i actually planned on having Beel safeword too and have him call Red #because in my mind you explained te concept of safewords to Beel and started off with red yellow green #and Beel just never bothered to create a new one #i actually didnt think ill do well at writing food play because im not personally into it but like. i kinda like it? #some of these didnt follow the prompty exactly bc i got tireddddd lol

[rottenprincessshura100]

I always thought Shura’s flashback took place after satan escaped, when shura was sleeping on the couch and yuri says she’s waiting for satan. Anyways, what are your thoughts on Shima, Nemu and where do you think Yukio is headed, in the spirit of quarantine I’ve been rereading blue exorcist and just can’t figure out these three.

Hi there!

 Yes, Shura’s flashback did take place after Satan escaped.

 There are two different versions of it.  I’m going to contradict myself, maybe Shura’s version was accurate. I’m going over these versions of the conversations and comparing them. It would seem logical that Mephisto could have shown Rin a different version from another timeline. He’s totally manipulating Rin’s emotions and he has the ability to cherry-pick from timelines he prefers. 

Shura’s version: Yuri wanted to raise Shura with Shiro and be Shura’s parents.

In Mephisto’s version: The version that Rin is shown when he travels to the past, Yuri tells Shiro she can’t help him raise Shura. She’s going to help Satan. Pretty different versions.

I’m starting to maybe lean toward Shura’s version. Because of the brief conversation, Shiro and Yuri had right before she died. 

Yuri looks shocked here...which makes me think that Shura was telling the truth, that Shiro was the one that nixed the living arrangement. Yuri is so troubled because she obviously knows she’s going to die. It’s almost like a bitter pill. She was so close to having everything she ever wanted. A family and Shiro’s love. 

As for the second part of your question: What direction are the following characters headed?

CHARACTER PREDICTIONS

SHIMA

I’m going to start with Renzo Shima. I never talk about Renzo, but he’s a really interesting character.  I think that his development is more complex than originally thought. In the end, I predict that his character will be redeemed.

 Renzo doesn’t seem to have any deep ties toward his family. I think there is a reason for that. He grew up knowing that his life was saved by Takezo Shima. The brave warrior and wielder of Yamantaka, the oldest son of Yaozo who was the pride of the family.  As Shima grew older he looked identical to Takezo and also inherited the black flames. The pressure and legacy of Takezo were just impossible for Shima to live up to. So impossible that he stopped trying. 

Yaozo Shima seems like quite the task-master and might have been especially hard on a young Shima, especially considering that he inherited Takezo’s black flame. He might have even held resentment toward the Renzo.

---------------------------------------------------------------

So Shima set out to create himself a new identity. He’s a dead ringer for Takezo, so he died his hair pink as a sign of independence. He also decided to become a spy for Mephisto to get away from Myoda.

I believe that Shima’s angst and lack of emotion is just a facade. He has survivor's guilt for being left alive instead of his brother, plus the added pressure of inheriting the black flames. Nobody has paid much attention to the fact that Renzo is his own person. 

Shima goes out of his way to disappoint people, to be the polar opposite of Takezo. He does this as a way of fighting back, to forge a new path for himself. Hence why Shima likes porn so much and acts like honour and duty aren’t a big deal. Shima is acting like this because he’s really hurting.

My predictions for Shima. In the end, I fully believe that Shima is going to grow as a character. He will finally step out of his brother’s shadow and become his own hero. Everybody loves a good redemption story and Shima is going to be it. I think we’re in for a surprise.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEMU TAKARA

I know so little about Nemu, so all of this is pure conjecture.

So this creepy little kid is hard to figure out. Whatever Nemu is, he’s so powerful that his ability was sealed by Mephisto. How do I know that? Everything about Takara leads back to Mephisto.

Mephisto owns Takara corporation (what a coincidence), he had Izumo’s Kamiki’s younger sister adopted into the Takara family. Some sort of agreement must have been struck. That’s how Nemu had Tatskuko Kamiki’s little toy. They were raised together, they were cousins.

Nemu was taken under Mephisto’s wing and whatever explosive power he has is sealed by a puppet familiar.  Everyone seems to think that Nemu is somehow kin of Armumahel. I just don’t see it as of yet. The only powers he has shown the same sort of powers that Mephisto has. He can conjure material objects out of thin air. 

When Shima uses the black flame of Armumahel on Nemu, it should have made him pass out, if he was human.  Instead, it wakes Nemu up. This also shouldn’t have happened because the black flame should kill or weaken demons. All it managed to do was weaken Nemu’s familiar.

Whatever the hell Nemu is, your guess is as good as mine.

I predict that he’s a secret weapon of Mephisto’s. Everyone thinks Rin and Yukio are weapons but Nemu is so powerful that he’s being kept under wraps for a reason. Could he be a demon king with a bad temper? Does Mephy keep him subdued so he doesn’t burn out his vessel? No idea!!!

He has powers to conjure objects like Mephisto, he resists the black flames of Armumahel, but he’s also got a lot of similar powers to Lightning. The guy can conjure and speak to demons and spirits. He can also track the objects he creates.  Are those Azazel traits?

Mephisto is the head of Takara corp, and Izumo’s sister was raised by the CEO of a subsidiary of Takara corp. That still doesn’t answer the question of Takara’s lineage. In the Manga, the kid has red hair. I don’t see that trait in any demon kings thus far.

When he does open his eyes he looks a lot like Shura, but we know that’s impossible. Shura never had any kids and Takara is too old. Plus Shura didn’t have any siblings for that matter!  But for a second there I thought I got the panels of the manga mixed up. (I did some side-by-sides just for fun, this is just crack-theory nonsense). Mephisto said that he “borrowed Nemu from a third party.” Who is this third party? Unknown!! 

So my predictions for this character, a big reveal of his true identity. Amazing superpowers that make him a secret weapon that was hiding in plain view. He will be some sort of divine equalizer. 

YUKIO

Yukio’s character can go in so many directions. In the end, we have to decide whether we trust Yukio or not...or whether or not his quest for power will overwhelm him.

We don’t know exactly what Yukio’s human body is made up of. We know that Satan can see through his eye, exactly like Shiro which we just saw in chapter 120. Yukio, however, isn’t made of the same stuff as Shiro. His body is resistant to black, red and blue flames. He’s more like demon-eater Todo.  If this is the case, Yukio could potentially become the big bad, he could inherit Satan’s powers and pull the strings.

Buuut.

The latest chapter has changed my mind somewhat. Shiro knows his boys well and he believes that Yukio has a good heart. We also found out that Yukio knew about Satan and his eye from a young age. Yukio has a bad temper and can be dangerous, but maybe his hatred of Rin is all an act? Maybe he’s playing us all for fools?

 That was his original mission after all. At the end of the last chapter, Yukio looked like he was about to gouge his eye out. But now that Rin has come back in the picture, it could go either way. Satan is going to zero right in on Rin.

Rin somehow has the potential to piss Yukio off. Going to Yukio might have put them both in danger.  Satan can see Rin’s transformation and who knows maybe the bastard is going to try and jump bodies.

My prediction for Yukio: It could go two ways at this point. Yukio remembers he has a kind heart and in the end rescues Rin. Or he turns into the big bad. 

#blue exorcist #some theories

[gigglyirwin]

A Merry Little Christmas

Pairing: Ashton x Laura (aka @irwinkitten)

Word Count: ~1.4k

Warnings: fluff

Summary: I participated in @plainwhiteluke , @flannelpunkcalum , and @dukehoods  5 seconds of swapping christmas challenge and this is my fic for @irwinkitten with love from your secret santa <3

A/N: flashbacks are in italics 

Ashton had woken up long before Laura had. For a while, he laid in bed, his arm still around her waist, propped up on his other arm so he could watch her sleep. She looked so peaceful. He always fell more in love with her, watching her sleep and being able to pinpoint all the freckles and dots on her cheeks. He pulled her hair away from her face, leaving a soft kiss on her cheek before getting up.

He kept the music on the radio low as he worked on breakfast, hoping to surprise her in bed. He glanced towards his living room at the presents that filled the bottom of their tree. There weren’t many but there didn’t need to be. They both had given each other gifs every year, even the first year they had been together when they had only been officially dating for a month and a half.

“I know we never talked about gifts, but I wanted to get you something,” Laura said, handing Ashton the small wrapped box.

Ashton let out a relieved sigh, pulling a box out from his coat pocket. They both laughed. “I know we haven’t been together for long, but I saw this and immediately thought of you,” Ashton admitted shyly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Ashton opened his gift first, seeing a few different rings. He had been wearing a bunch of them lately so she found two that she thought he’d like.

“These are awesome, Laura,” he said, looking up at her with a smile. He pulled one out and put it on his middle finger, then put the second one on his pointer finger. “Wow. I love these, they look so cool!”

He decided to wear them for the rest of the day, turning the one around his middle finger every so often. She opened her gift, gasping. The box held a gold necklace; it was like three necklaces in one. The first one was somewhat of a choker that had diamonds spaced evenly apart on the whole chain. The second hung down a little farther, with a rose in the center. The third would hang down her chest and was a simple gold block. “Thank you, Ashton. I love it.”

He offered to help her put it on, coming around behind her chair and pushing her hair off to one side as he clipped the necklace in place. She fixed her hair again, looking down at the necklace with a wide smile. “I love it,” she repeated.

Ashton plated breakfast, putting the leftovers in the fridge. He knew they were going to have friends and some family coming over throughout the day, so he figured if anyone got hungry he’d warm up what he had made.

Laura was still asleep when he entered the room. He set both plates on the nightstand, leaning on the bed and pressing kisses to the side of her face. “Wake up, love,” he hummed, cuddling up against her back and shaking her slightly. “Wakey wakey eggs and bakey,” Ashton cooed.

Laura let out a quiet yawn, followed by a giggle. “Morning, Ash,” she whispered and Ashton responded by plastering more kisses along her face.

“I made breakfast.”

She hummed, “Smells good,” and turned around to bury her head in his chest.

“I think Santa Clause came too,” Ashton joked, brushing back her bright pink hair. “I saw a whole bunch of presents under our tree.”

Laura laughed, kissing his neck and collarbone. “You sure it wasn’t you up late wrapping all those gifts?” she teased.

“No way. It was for sure Santa.”

Laura sat up in bed, followed by Ashton. He leaned over her when she was sitting up, kissing her gently, yet he let it linger. His hand came up to cup her cheek, only pulling away when his lungs were begging for air. “Merry Christmas, darling.”

They ate in bed and talked about that day's plans. It was still pretty early, not even 9 o’clock yet, and while they didn’t have anywhere to be until later that night, they knew they were going to have people in and out of the house so right after breakfast, they shared a warm shower and brushed their teeth together while standing in front of the giant mirror of their master bathroom.

Ashton went back to the bedroom to get dressed, then returned to the bathroom to finish drying his hair and fix it so it looked good. Any other day he had off, he wouldn’t bother taming the mane and would just deal with the bed head, or the freshly showered hair look, but today he put product in it and slicked it back in its usual way, leaving one little curl on the front of his forehead.

After getting herself ready, Laura headed to the bedroom to get dressed. She found a box on the bed, paired with a huge bow and a note that said: “to Laura, love Ashton.”

“Ash!” She called, picking up the piece of paper. Ashton came into the bedroom with a shy smile on his face.

“It’s just something for you to wear today.” Ashton leaned against the doorframe and waited until she opened it, his own smile growing when he saw hers form too. Inside was a red flowing skirt with a bow tied on the waist and a long sleeve white shirt that closely resembled a knitted sweater but was much more lightweight.

She shooed him out of the room as she changed, listening to him mumble about how unfair it was just because of how many times he’d seen her naked. But she wanted it to be a surprise when she walked out in it. After fixing the outfit in the mirror, she opened the door to him leaning on the wall now.

“Absolutely gorgeous,” he gushed, pulling her in by the waist for a much more heated kiss that was very unfortunately interrupted by the doorbell.  

--

Ashton’s bandmates at all joined him at his house. After trading gifts with them, they hung around. Laura had cooked them a light lunch knowing that each of them were doing their own extravagant dinner for Christmas evening. The band loved Luara just as much as Ashton loved her and were always happy to be around her. All of them joked that if Ashton didn’t put a ring on her eventually, they were going to shoot their shots. The truth was that neither of them were in a rush to get engaged or married, but Ashton had everything planned out, he was just waiting for the date to come around.

As a Christmas present to Ashton, Laura had fixed the strings on his guitar and Ash was eager to play. Luke was the one who suggested they go live on Instagram. They were sure that not many people would show up but decided to anyway. It turned into an impromptu acoustic set, with Ashton playing guitar and then taking suggested songs that came through the comments.

“What about this one,” Ashton began, playing a new chord on the guitar. He began to sing: “have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light.”

“From now on, our troubles will be out of,” Luke joined, and the four of them harmonized perfectly to the word ‘sight’. Luke picked up on the second part of the verse and the boys did the same thing with the word ‘away’. Laura snuck pictures and short videos of the little live show, her smile never fading as she listened to them sing.

--

“Got one more gift for you,” Ashton mentioned as he and Laura had crawled into bed together that night.

“Ashton, you’ve spoiled me enough already,” she laughed, situating herself in bed when Ashton handed her his phone. Pulled up on it was flight information, a flight to New York that left on the 29th and returned on the 4th. “Really?” She gasped.

Ashton nodded. “I know we’ve been before, but we’ve never been on New Year’s and it’s beautiful during that holiday.” But truth be told, Ashton had a surprise for her on that day. He was planning on proposing to her at midnight, right in front of the ball drop. He had been keeping it a secret for nearly a year now, hiding the ring in his sock drawer or in his bag when he was touring. He looked at it every so often, sometimes carried it around in his coat pocket when they went out, just in case a far more perfect moment arose, but he knew for sure that he was going to ask her to marry him on New Year’s Day and he was so excited to start this new chapter of their lives together.

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[aljauv-blog]

January

I’m not sure how it happened, but it happened again. Once I lose control over it, it’s game over for me. It’s a scary feeling to be out of touch with reality, when my mind takes full control of what I’m doing – sure, that’s what a mind is for, but unlike other people, those are the demons that take over control.

Moving to Helsinki was supposed to be a new beginning for me. I was happy Joone trusted me enough to give me the opportunity to live with him in the city, otherwise I would be living in the streets of New York by now. I was going to share an apartment with him but only under a few conditions:  first one; to quit heroin and cocaine, and slow down on the alcohol. Second; to behave properly, which only works for me if I follow anger management classes again and see a therapist. I was going to start at my new job on January 15, a software engineering job – it was a big opportunity for me to get my life back again. Make money and save money to move back to New York. The first week in Finland was terrible, a living nightmare, truly. I was withdrawing from heroin and cocaine – I was sweating, feeling paranoid, behaving very aggressive towards people around me. I could easily smack someone. I have never seen Joone that moody before, I could see at his face that he was done with me. And he’s always the happy, fun guy who wants to keep things positive all the time. He ordered a seat on the other side of the plane because I ‘embarrassed’ him. When we landed in Helsinki, we had to meet the Airloft staff for an explanation. Great. That was just our flight journey, but it continued to be like that for the rest of the week at least.

I didn’t have any drugs, and I had to wait for my antipsychotics to come overseas, which was due to the end of the month. I felt really scared when I was sober, I was on the edge of losing myself. I knew it was coming, I could feel it. Anything could trigger it. But I tried to stay strong, and sometimes when I felt really messed up I just drank a bottle of vodka which helped me go through the day. Joone was not happy with it, clearly, while he was busy making plans to renovate and design the house. I just couldn’t be there where his mind was at that point.  I became an insomniac;  I couldn’t sleep without medication or drugs, I hardly slept 2-3 hours on a night and because of that I became delusional. I had dreams about my childhood with my father back in Finland. What he did to me and to my mother, the smells of rotten flesh, the tracks of blood on the walls – and even when I woke up in bed, I saw my father bending over me wanting to strangle me with his bare hands,  and it made me panic, and felt like I was suffocating. But it was only a delusion, I realized everytime Joone ran up to me to help me. Joone was very concerned, while he had a busy job himself he couldn’t fully focus on because of the care he had of me. And it made me feel bad, like the fucking bug I am, the stress I cause for the people around me that love me. So, what I do is detach myself from those people by isolating myself or walking away from home – I don’t like the feeling of bothering people with my crazy mind all the time;  enough is enough. I needed a break from my people, but the dangerous thing about is that I have time alone for myself, and just in those times when I feel like I’m on the edge of something scary, it can be seriously triggering. 

Moving to Finland reminds me of all of the things that went wrong in my life. This is the land where I was born, where the misery started right away. I was born in the wrong family. My mother was a sweetheart, but my father’s negativity ruled my life;  no one or nothing could beat his negativity – negativity in a sense that was not just emotional and physical abuse,  he made me feel very frightened about life on a very young age. He made me believe in Devils, witches, he showed me what murder is like (he has some blood on his hands), he showed me what happens to a human and animal corpses once it dies. He literally, showed me, in front of his eyes. In Satanic ritual nights, we went into the woods, with other members of the Satanist community including family members. I was about 4 years old when I saw my father stick a sword in a goat’s heart, with a big smile on his face, to sacrifice the goat by burning it to ashes. Everybody was clapping and yelling. I remember I was crying and I wanted to escape and go back home but my father busted me, got insanely furious, tied me up to a tree and left me there during the whole night on my own in the woods. There were fucking bears there. Lucky for me it was around May, so the temperature wasn’t that cold anymore. But traumas like these will stick with me for the rest of my life.  The way he behaved at home was insane, my father is a true lunatic. Very paranoid, schizophrenic, but more than all, the Devil himself; and he believes to be;  he is a Satanist, and as a Satanist you have to believe to be your own ‘God’,  and that’s the motto he lives by. He could do anything to me and my mother. He had no boundaries. He would abuse me in front of my mother’s eyes until the point I blacked out, when all I remember was how I heard my mother hysterically crying and screaming, and my father hysterically laughing like some psychopath. After several smacks I wasn’t even conscious anymore. But it happened every week.  I remember the sleepless nights I had as a child, when my father would sneak up to my room and tell me one of his ghost/witch stories, right after that he wanted to touch me. And he didn’t want me to scream for my mother, so he pushed a pillow on my head and nearly suffocated me, while he was doing all kinds of things. And I remember all the restlessness I experienced as a child. Everything was so terrifying.  I never knew the feeling of safety, it wasn’t there;  my mother could give me it to me for just a moment,  until my father disturbed it once again.  And these are just a few memories, but I could write a book full of them.

I struggle with not just schizophrenia, but very intense PTSD, and ever since I came back to Finland, I constantly see flashbacks from my past. Just split moments of those traumas, but the most horrifying images flash before my eyes. In combination with schizophrenia, it can make me very delusional. Just about the moment I mentioned earlier, how I saw and felt my father strangling me when I woke up from nightmares. 

   Just one night, I remember walking out the door, without telling Joone, without telling anybody, knowing it wasn’t a very good idea, but somehow I felt like I needed it, like some kind of trance I ended up in. I sat on the stairs of the city centre in Helsinki – it was snowing – I was cold and alone, smoking cigarette after cigarette. My first day at work was the day after tomorrow. I remember thinking, ‘now this is a realistic thought I’m having’. But that thought quickly faded away. I don’t know, I just couldn’t live in reality anymore, it took me too much effort to keep pushing myself back in reality, because I felt my mind constantly wandering off. Thinking about my past; the urge and desire I have to kill my father; how sorry I feel for my mother all the time;  how I became the mentally fucked up person I am today;  how I fuck shit up, how I blame all the misery on my father;  my drug habit I’ve been dealing with since age 16. All of that… it doesn’t go away. I need to accept the loop I’m living in.    And sometimes I can not believe I am alive. Barely alive. Physically, well, I’m physically strong. But mentally… Mentally I am so damaged… That I doubt if things will ever be OK with me. I was lost in thoughts.

Then, suddenly,  I saw a woman with a child walking by. The child was about the age of 10, I believe. However, it took all of my focus and made all of my thoughts go away.  They were walking in the snow, the child was laughing- they were clearly happy. I stood up from the stairs and followed them.  I believe that was the point where the psychosis was triggered. I followed them and yelled, “Keila!”;  it seemed to feel so right to me. That was my daughter walking there. I ran up to them and I saw the mother protecting her child as she yelled at me. She yelled “Apua!”, means ‘help’ in Finnish. I told her that that child is my daughter. I was very confused but I knew I was right, I was completely convinced, but why is Keila with that woman?  It made me frustrated. The woman became aggressive towards me and started to push me away. I wanted to take Keila with me, but she started crying. Later on, I realized there were some people watching the situation. It made me uncomfortable. I looked at Keila, and my mind went empty. The mother yelled at me all kinds of things like ‘pedophile’ and ‘creep’. I wanted to say a lot of things but no words came out. She yelled at me that she was going to call the police and that’s the moment when I took off.  I ran away. I kept running for about 10 minutes. I stopped to smoke a cigarette, somewhere in an alley. I started to experience the world around me somewhat foggy and blurry, and I remember I was detaching from reality. Yes, I heard a voice inside my head that made everything worse, whispering to me that I am a creep, and it is my fault Keila is dead now. This certain voice I hear, is very important to me, because he speaks the truth and all of my deepest insecurities. When he comes it’s panic time. I saw people walking by but I knew they weren’t real. The cars passing by, they weren’t real. And I looked to the sky and I felt so alone, and scared. Like the child I was back in the woods, left alone tied up to a tree. Abandoned. Frightened. And I remembered Keila in my mind, the sweet child I lost. I finally came to the realization how much I miss her. All the time in New York I was doing drugs to forget about her. Not just my past, most of the time it was her.. The memory I was pushing away. I figured I never really talked about her death with friends because what happened to her is probably the worst traumatic experience I have dealt with in my life. My father ended her in the most cruel way, like he’s been doing to a lot of people and gets away with it every time. And my father, he’s highly intelligent but it makes him behave like a fuck ass, but he is smart enough to hide from the police. From that point on,  I couldn’t think about anything else but Keila.  She is there, buried, in the woods where my father lives, my father knows where she is and I want to be the one to bury her, and say goodbye one last time.  But unfortunately, my father lives in Lapland, which is about 800 kilometres away from Helsinki. But I was in complete trance and I probably seemed very disorganized and disturbed to the people around me, but I had to go to Kuusamo by train. Kuusamo, the little Santa Claus town. It’s beautiful there, but there’s a lot of dark energy going on.  The demon inside my head encouraged the plan to find Keila’s body. “Do it”, it says repeatedly.  Since that moment when I took the train, everything became to blurry to go in detail about this journey. I remember I was sitting in the train and felt all eyes looking at me, I probably have been talking to a wall or something, I acted very discomforting. I knew I was in a train but I was seeing and hearing all kinds of things that made me freak out. It was very bad. Everything was too vaguely to put into words. I do remember how things went completely confusing when two police women came up to me to talk. First thing I did was telling them that I never killed anybody, I wasn’t the guy they were looking for. I thought they wanted to arrest me for homicide. I’m still paranoid about everything that happened in the past, the blood on my hands that still smell so fresh to me. They took me with them out of the train into their car and I thought they were going to murder me, I thought those were two people dressed up as police women, they are spies from Russia. Oh, I was convinced. I started to panic and freak out and that’s when things esqualated like crazy. I’ve been put down on the floor and put in a cell for the night.   Next morning, Joone came to visit me. He was very angry but very concerned about me and wondered what the Hell I’ve been up to. I never told him what I was up to. I was still very insane and everything and my speech was completely disorganized; I couldn’t really speak properly because my brain was bouncing around with thoughts. That always happens when I have a psychosis. I could hardly follow him but he thought it’s for the best to put me in a psychiatric hospital for the upcoming weeks, to shake the disease off, and until I get my medication from overseas. I agreed. He called me crazy for wanting to dig up Keila who’s been laying underneath the dirt for 4 years already. Maybe it is crazy but not for me in that moment.

The same day I went to the psychiatric hospital where I had a meeting with the chief. It was a terrible meeting because I couldn’t function properly.  The world to me still felt like it was fake and I was still very focused on my journey to find Keila. Luckily, Joone was there next to me, and he told the chief about me, my health, my background.  Next thing I knew I was placed in the public department. I still had no idea what was going on. I knew I had a lot of therapy sessions the first three days in the hospital. I was really numb, so I could get anything off my chest and it made it all sound so shallow.  They gave me medication that just made my symptoms get even worse, but it gave my emotion back, which is not always a good thing. When I gain emotion back, I mostly get really frustrated and aggressive about everything.  I can’t really say I’m a happy person, I don’t act like it. I see the world in black and white.

It was probably the 5th or 6th day in the hospital. I have a personal nurse, she’s really tough to me. I don’t know what happened in my mind, but I became very delusional and my mind made me believe that she was Keila’s mother. The girl I made pregnant when I was 17 on a vacation in Finland. And fuck, it made me angry. The nurse was talking to me about my medication but I didn’t believe her for shits. She wanted to poison me. It was Keila’s mother in disguise. I had to end her. I jumped up on her and put my hands around her neck, I wanted to strangle her. I yelled at her where Keila is, because I somehow believe she is still somewhere. I attacked her and I really felt so much adrenalin that I really wanted to finish her. But of course, there are cameras, guards everywhere around the place. The guards came to shake me off of her, they were pushing me on the ground, and I remember how I went totally crazy. I was so angry I didn’t kill her. She knew about Keila all along, and now she was trying to poison me with her medication that only made me feel worse.  The guards bruised me, handcuffed me and dragged me to a different place of the building.  Sometimes, in moments like this,  my life is just like a movie. It’s a crazy thing but it just happens. I was put in an isolation cell. I had to stay in there until I calm down. But I have been here before, I know exactly what it is like to be in an isolation cell. It takes me back to the time when I was a kid living in a psychiatric institute in Russia, where I lived for a year in an isolation cell because, same thing; I was really aggressive.  

My psychiatrist here, Kallio, she is a good person. She is about 60 years old and she’s really fun. She makes me feel calm. I was beeped up to come for a therapy session around 2 o’clock.  I walked in her office and the first thing she said to me, “Oh honey, you look terrible”.  I just like it when people are straight up honest. “I am terrible”, I answered. She shook her head and smiled at me, asked me to sit down on the chair next to her. We had a good conversation and she asked me about the situation that happened earlier,  “a little dramatic of you, don’t you think?” Yes, I suppose. But I didn’t answer. She wanted to clear something up by mentioning the following symptoms; that she had seen my struggling with mood swings, how I could be easy and calm and next I turn into some kind of beast. The fact I can’t be cool around fellow patients in the public department because they made me aggressive very quickly. She mentioned my criminal background, how I still want to work illegally, and because I like the thrill of it- the fact that I still want to meet my father to kill him, it gives me the thrill of life. I always want to do something stupid; live my life on the edge. And my dramatic activity around here. She summed up to me and asked, “Has any doctor or psychiatrist in your life ever mentioned borderline personality disorder to you?”.  Well, it made me laugh really hard. “I don’t want another label sticking on me for the rest of my life, Kallio. I have enough shit going on. What you call ‘borderline’ are to me just personality traits. I can be very expressive, that’s it.”  And she gives me the ‘psychiatrist-stare’.  I confessed, “OK, yes, they mentioned it earlier in my life. That I have borderline personality disorder, but that was a long time ago. I was probably 15 or something”. She nodded. But I looked at her suspiciously, and said “But I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I don’t want medication for it, I don’t want to label myself as a borderline person. I don’t want to be a person with paranoid schizophrenia AND borderline, you know how crazy that sounds?”.  It made her laugh, she told me I’m not crazy. She promised me to leave it by the labels I know for now. 

The next day.  The nurse that I strangled was absent. She didn’t want to finish the treatment with me. Obviously. So I got a male nurse. Every morning they give me my medication but the voice in my head keeps convincing me that it’s the poison that is slowly trying to kill me. In the end, I take the medication but it takes a lot of time and effort for the nurses. I hated the medication they give to me. Back in New York, I had amazing stuff.  It made me feel awake, and all the voices, the hallucinations and delusions were muted, not entirely, but for a greater part, yes, definitely. I told the nurse I’m waiting for better medication to arrive from the United States, which made me become very political and I told them in English, with my perfect New York accent, that Finland is a shot hole. That Finland is not important to anybody, and that everyone here are freaks; and I’m not talking about the people in the psychiatric hospitals, I’m talking about all population of Finnish people. I told them I was glad I was only 50% Finnish, and the rest English-  which made me brag in a Sheffield account. I went kind of crazy again, very frustrated with everything. So I was sent back to Kallio’s office for another session. Right after that I became more calm again.

The next day.  Joone came to visit me. He also told me I looked terrible. But he had a surprise for me, and he showed me my medication which arrived from overseas. It put a smile on my face and made me want to hug him. I felt much more comfort now I have those pills.  I had to wait for my psychiatrist approval of the drugs, since it’s from America where any pills are stronger. But Kallio knew that the pills from Finland didn’t make me feel any better.  Luckily, they were approved and I could start the next day with my new medication to see if things are going better for me. The next couple of days went so much better for me.  I was placed back into the public department and I actually made a few friends, too. Kallio said I could celebrate my birthday at home, which was due on a Friday (perfect), but I had to be back the next day around 5 pm.

Friday, I woke up feeling great. I love my freedom and to have my freedom on my birthday is the best I could wish for. Joone picked me up with his car, and we drove to the south of the country. Back to Helsinki.  I know I felt tired at the moment, just exhausted from the whole situation. Joone was talking about what to do with my birthday, who to invite, where to go, this and that. But I wasn’t that much of energy yet, even though I was excited. I don’t know, I just went really quiet after everything that has happened.  Once we arrived at our new apartment,  I saw how much effort Joone put in making the place look nice. Just lovely. He’s such a hard worker. I’m not a man of compliments, but you can sense it when I appreciate something. Joone and I decided to go out for dinner and party later at Tavastia, which is a rock club in Helsinki. It’s a good place.  Joone was like, “you’re not going to drink much tonight, right? Since you’re on medication”. Well, once I drink, I’m gonna drink until I pass out. He was constantly saying it and I said “no, I’ll be careful”. But inside I was laughing. Of course I’m gonna drink. I’m 33 now, feel old as balls, I want to feel 23 again.  We beeped up some of our friends, we don’t have many friends here yet, because we just moved here,  but some old friends from pastimes were invited for my birthday mesh. I think we had dinner with 9 of us, which started around 6 until 8.  Well, I couldn’t behave, I drank like there was no tomorrow. I think I had about 3 red wine, later on I went crazy on the vodka again. I just love vodka, it’s so good here in Finland. I was extremely tipsy, but so was Joone. I talked to him in the bathroom of the restaurant. “I’m drunk as shits, man”, while slurring my words. He was all happy like, “me too!”. I asked him if he cares about the fact I’m this drunk already and it will definitely get even worse tonight. He answered, “I don’t care. It’s your birthday. If you want to fuck yourself up, just do it. It’s your birthday. We’re gonna get shit faced anyway so I kind of expected it”.  It made me feel so thankful for having that guy in my life. He’s all concerned and tough on me sometimes, but other times he doesn’t even care anymore and he still gives me the freedom to do whatever I want. He’s not going to boss around. I think I told him I love you or something.

We went back to pay and unto the next venue;  Tavastia. Dark nightclub/bar sort of thing. Nothing can beat New York bars but as long as there’s booze, I’m not complaining. Joone and I made a deal how we’re both gonna get laid tonight and make it rough. Joone can easily get anybody, but quite frankly, we’re not in a gay bar this time so it’s gonna be 50/50 who’s gonna get the chicks.  I’m a playful flirt, but I can’t be too drunk because it makes me really sloppy and it makes me want to skip the flirting part and go right over to the sexual part. I sometimes need to remind myself to be careful with girls. Women. Chicks.  Especially when I’m drunk. We were with 6 people hanging at the bar, Joone and I, Joone’s sister; Eeva (she’s badass), Valtteri, Matleena and Seepo, people we met earlier while going out in Helsinki. Cool people.  First hour Joone became friends with tons of girls,  as if he has some chickmagnet in the inside of his coat. Think they were probably talking about fashion or that kind of stuff. But good for me. Thank you, Joone.  The girls weren’t making much contact with me but I didn’t really fancy them much either. Then after a shot tequila, Joone was all starting to promote me “This guy here, has been a model in New York, and he’s half British!”   It’s kind of embarrassing to me, I don’t find it flattering at all. All I could think was ‘Joone stop it, I’m gonna tell them myself once I get the chance’.  It is crazy how these girls started to hang around me immediately. I thought it was stupid. Just because I’ve been modeling in New York, I’m half British, you want to fuck me?   That is so fucking cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap. So I ordered vodka at the bar and went outside for a smoke.  Cheap bitches. I became a little frustrated but I had to control myself. Nobody talk to me. Then Matleena came outside with some guy she probably met here. Laughing. She was really shit faced, I could see. She was like “Hi Aleksander! Meet Matti!”  This and that.  They smoked with me, but the dude went to the bathroom inside.  I asked Matleena, “do you think bitches only love me because I’ve been a New York model and because I’m half British?” She started laughing. “Who convinced you that?”.  “Some girls Joone is hanging with at the bar.”  “No, the right bitch loves you for the intelligent person that you are”, she said. Now, that’s flattering. I gave her a hug. I wanted to kiss her but I didn’t.  Matleena, she’s alright. She’s so friendly and sweet.  So we went back to the group and at the end of the hall I saw Joone sitting on the bar drinking even more shots.  I knew that I probably have to drag him home again, just like last time we went out, I literally dragged him home in the snow. Next time he’s gonna pay me for it.  I saw Joone was hanging with a Latino guy, and I was all like “Who’s that?” and he says he’s Juan from Venezuela, this and that, he’s gonna do him, blah blah. Now Joone has scored, I need to score as well.  Maybe a couple of shots will do the trick.  I went off alone and started hanging in the front hall with some girls. I pretended to be American, and they were all falling for it. I just needed to fuck someone, cheap or not.   I saw Valtteri walking towards the men’s bathroom and he was all like, ‘follow me’. So I did. And he took me into the corner of the bathroom and offered me some coke. Fuck yes, that’s what I need. We went snorting like beasts and he said “I’ll catch you later”. I went back to the front hall to my girls. They were so drunk. We started talking some more. They were all starting to get clingy, especially this girl from Sweden. She was really into me. She was touching me and hugging me, and I slowly felt the cocaine rush coming. I just didn’t care anymore. We made out. I just didn’t care anymore, I dragged her to the men’s bathroom. Men were watching but they were all encouraging and supportive to our sexual act.  We made it a quicky, but it was allllllright.

The rest of the night was a total blur to me. I continued to drink. Joone passed out for half an hour at least, he was backstage. I just laughed at him. All I can remember is that we had a good time. It’s fun to go out every now and then.  I remember vaguely walking home from the club to our apartment. It was snowing like crazy.  It was just me and Matleena, Joone and Juan. I have lost the rest of the group but I didn’t care. I think Joone tripped about 70 times on our way home because he was blinded by the snow. He fell on the hood of a random car parking in the streetway. Totally messed up.  It was 6 in the morning and I invited Matleena in my bed. We were doing alright there. Next morning we woke up, feeling completely buzzed but a night like this is worth it all.

  January was crazy. Literally, crazy.

[huntershelper25]

Path of the Chosen: Ch 2

PotC: Ch 2

Summary: Brooke is a 21 year old girl who’s life is flipped upside down when she receives a phone call from someone she hasn’t heard from in years. This phone call leads to events that cause her to get sucked back into the lives of two young men whom she hasn’t spoken to in years. Her life is never the same. Along the way she learns a secret about herself that not even her father had known. She is forced to face her destiny. Which path will she choose: duty or family?

A/N: I suck at summaries. I started writing this fic YEARS ago. It was posted here on Tumblr, but I have made some edits recently and have decided to repost it. This requires some introduction. I had a thought one day of what the show would look like if there was a female character that was brought in that actually stuck around for longer than a season or two. And because the thought wouldn’t go away this story and Brooke were born. I had a lot of good feedback the last time I posted this years ago so I decided to repost it for my new followers with some edits.

Disclaimer: There is a LOT of direct quotes and scenes from the show. I do not own any of it. I only claim the character of Brooke and how she fits into the story. All else is credited to the writers and copyright holders of the show Supernatural

Warning: There is some rated MA smut thrown in randomly for the first 5 chapters as flashbacks to establish timeline, character building, and relationships, but after that the smut dies off.  Also, let’s just assume condoms are implied. They aren’t mentioned, but let’s assume they are used.

Word Count: 3297

Pairings (through entire story): Dean/Brooke (OFC), Sam/Brooke (OFC)

Previous chapters

  Chapter 1

Chapter Two

Brooke woke to the sound of voices, rolled over and saw that it was ten in the morning. She figured she better get her ass outta bed and make herself useful. If she kept herself busy she might be able to fend off another night like the last. She slipped on some fresh clothes and tied her hair up in a pony tail, before she made her way down the stairs. When she reached the landing she froze. The voices mixed in with Bobby’s were voices she knew. Voices she hadn’t heard in years. They belonged to Sam and Dean.

They were talking about how they had found the thing that killed their mom and how a demon that seemed to be working for it was killing off their friends because they had found the colt. The colt was rumored to be able to kill anything, even demons, not just send them back to hell, but kill them for good. All hunters believed this gun to be fictitious, but if a demon had its panties in a twist over John having his hands on it than the rumors must be true.  They talked about how the demon offered John a truce if he would give up the colt. Of course John wasn’t that stupid so he left the real gun with the boys and took a fake to meet up with the demon. Apparently the boys had located the thing that killed their mom and John was giving them the time they needed to use the colt and take care of it for good. That’s when he went missing.

Anger grew inside her at the mention of John, the man who was responsible for all this, the man that had gotten her father killed. She wasn’t angry with the boys; they obviously would have had no clue as to their father’s plan, that’s how John was. If the demon that killed her father had John and the boys planned on going after it she wanted in. She slowly made her way down the stairs, careful not to make any of the stairs squeak. As she walked into the kitchen she heard Dean say to Bobby, “Thanks Bobby, thanks for everything. To tell you the truth I wasn’t sure if we should come.”

“Nonsense,” Bobby replied, “Your daddy needs help.”

“Well yeah, but the last time we saw you, I mean, you did threaten to blast him full of buck shot. You cocked the shot gun and everything.”

“John seems to have that affect on people,” She said as she leaned against the door way with my arms crossed. Dean turned around; a look of utter surprise on his face, while Sam looked up from a book and without hesitating walked towards her and with his six foot five frame took all five foot nine of her up in a hug. Brooke noticed that she still had that same uneasy feeling in his presence that she had had when they were kids. “Hiya Sam.” she said when he put me down. She glanced over at Dean, who averted his eyes, “Dean.”

He nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“What are you doing here?” Sam asked with a hint of concern.

“Hiding out,” she shrugged. “Your dad called me yesterday and told me…” she couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud, “told me what happened and, uh, said I should hide out here until this is all over, just in case.”

“I don’t know exactly how much ‘hiding out’ you’re gonna be doing here,” Dean said with a scowl on his face.

“What do you mean?” She glanced from Dean, to Bobby, to Sam, and back to Dean.

“It’s coming here, or at least we hope it is.” Sam interjected when Dean declined to answer.

“The demon? The one that killed… Pastor Jim and Caleb?” She just couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud.

“Yeah, Bobby has this idea that we can trap it in one of these protective circles,” He walked back to the book he had been reading when she walked in. “See.” He turned to a page depicting a circle, within which were a pentagram and another circle. Within the circles were odd symbols and letters.

“They really work?” She asked. If Sam was right and that thing was coming here she wanted to be sure they could trap it and return the favor.

“Oh yeah, you get a demon in one they’re trapped, powerless. It’s like a satanic roach motel.” Bobby said as he took a seat on the edge of his desk.

“Man knows his stuff.” Dean said breaking his silence.

“I’ll tell you something else too.” He looked at Sam and Dean. “This is some serious crap you boys have stepped in. Normal year I hear of, say three demonic possessions, maybe four tops.”

“And?” Dean asked as he took a seat on the couch.

“This year I heard of twenty seven so far. You get what I’m sayin?” He looked them each in the face. “More and more demons are walking among us. A lot more.”

“Do you know why?” Sam asked.

“No, but I know it’s something big. Storms comin and you boys and your daddy are smack in the middle of it.” Bobby glanced over at Brooke, “and dragging others in with ya.”

Just then the dog began to bark. Bobby and Brooke dashed to the window and through the blinds saw the chain, but no dog on the end of it. Brooke’s head began to swim, “Something’s here,” she said just as the back door was busted down and in walked a gal with short blond hair.

Dean reached into his pocket and came out with a flask of which Brooke assumed contained holy water. He took a step towards the girl who took one look at him and with a wave of her hand sent him flying across the room. Definitely a demon!

“No more crap.” She turned her attention to Sam, “I want the colt Sam, the real colt, right now.”

“We don’t have it on us. We buried it,” Sam said as he backed out of the kitchen into the study.

“Didn’t I say, ‘no more crap?’ I swear after everything I’ve heard about you Winchesters, I gotta tell you, I’m a bit underwhelmed.” She slowly walked after Sam as Brooke helped Dean to his feet. “First John tries to pawn off a fake gun and then he leaves the real gun with you two morons. Lack luster man. I mean did you really think I wouldn’t find you?”

“Actually we were counting on it.” Dean said as he walked into the study with Brooke on his heels. The blonde chick gave him this evil look. To which Dean replied by looking up. Brooke followed his gaze to find one of those protective circles painted on the ceiling. If Bobby was right, this chick wasn’t going anywhere.

She stood back as she watched Sam and Dean tie the chick to a chair, bringing back memories of her time in the chair.  “So this is the demon that’s been ganking people, I assume?” Brooke asked Sam as he walked by. Her head continued to swim as she shared presence with the demon, a sensation she had gotten used to over the years, but still found unsettling. Her dad had been the only one who knew this about her.

“Yeah, that’s me.” The blonde chick answered for him. “You look familiar. Have we met?”

“Highly doubt it. I’m sure if we had you wouldn’t be here to talk about it.” Brooke took a step towards the girl, a menacing glee welling up inside her as she realized she was about to exact her revenge.

“Oh, now I see it. The family resemblance.” A smile crept across the girl’s face. “I’m the one that watched your daddy choke on his own blood. Yeah he looked just like you do right now just before my blade slid acro-“ Brooke slugged her across the face with all the force she could muster. The blonde chick just laughed.

Sam grabbed Brooke’s arm and pulled her out of the room, giving her a disciplinary look. She jerked her arm out of his grasp and turned to find Dean giving her a complimentary look from the other side of the study.

“I salted the doors and windows. If there are any demons out there, they ain’t gettin’ in.” Bobby said as he entered the room screwing the cap back on a metal container.

The boys exchanged looks and Dean stepped in front of the girl. “Where’s our father, Meg?” The demon had a name, interesting.

She smiled, “You didn’t ask very nice.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Where’s our father, Bitch?”

“Geeze, you kiss your mother with that mouth?” She let out a little giggle, “Oh I forgot, you don’t.” Brooke closed my eyes and sighed, talking about Mary was a sure way to piss Dean off, which it did.

“You think this is a frickin’ game?” He practically yelled as he leaned over the chair, putting his face in hers. “Where is he!? What did you do to him!?”

“He died screaming. I killed him myself.” Meg said almost reluctantly.

Brooke watched Dean’s back go rigid just before he back handed Meg across the face.

“That’s kinda a turn on, you hitting a girl.” Meg said with a flirtatious look on her face.

“You’re no girl.” Dean said with disgust.

“Dean.” Bobby stood up and walked out of the room.

Dean turned to follow and Sam fell into step with him, “You okay?”

“She’s lying, he’s not dead.” Dean said in anger.

“Dean you gotta be careful with her. Don’t hurt her.” Bobby said once they were all convened in the kitchen.

“Why?” Dean said with a look of confusion on his face,

“Because she really is a girl, that’s why.”

“What are you talking about?” Sam interjected.

“She’s possessed. That’s a human possessed by a demon, can’t you tell?” They all looked back at Meg. Who looked back at them with a crooked, cynical smile.

“You’re trying to tell me that there’s a girl in there somewhere?” Dean asked with surprise.

Bobby just nodded.

Brooke instinctively reached up and ran her fingers over her scar, and quickly realized that yesterday’s makeup may not be covering it so well. She saw Dean’s gaze catch her movement. He saw her putting her hand to her face and the look on his changed from frustration to defeat. Then it hit her.

“That’s actually good news.” She said. She rummaged through the piles of books until she found the right one. “Exorcism.” she said when she received quizzical looks from all three of them. Each of them replied with a look that could only be described as “duh”. She quickly found the page they needed and handed the book to Dean, who happened to be looking over her shoulder.

“Nice.” He patted her on the shoulder. “Here Sammy, my Latin’s a little rusty.” He handed the book to Sam and walked back into the study. Sam gave Brooke a look asking if she wanted to do the honors, but she waved him off. Her Latin was a little rusty too, that and rather than worrying if she was pronouncing things correctly she preferred to watch the bitch suffer.

Back in the study Brooke stood directly in front of Meg, the better to see her squirm. She had killed her father and for that she was going straight back to hell.

Meg’s gaze moved from Brooke, to Dean, to Sam who was holding the book.

“You gonna read me a bedtime story?”

“Something like that.” Brooke smiled.

“Hit it, Sam.” Dean said from behind her.

“Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica.”

“An exorcism? Are you serious?” Meg looked Brooke straight in the eye.

“Oh we’re going for it baby, head spinning, projectile vomiting, the whole nine yards.” Dean said as he walked around the chair.

Through all this Sam continued to read. “Ergo, draco maledicte et omnis legio diabolica, adjuramus te, cessa decipere humanas creaturas,”

Meg began to cringe and Sam stopped reading and looked at Dean.

“I’m gonna kill you.” Meg said. “I’m going to rip the bones from your body.”

“No, you’re gonna burn in hell, unless you tell us where our dad is.” Dean leaned in from behind her and said in her ear. Meg just stared forward. “Well at least you’ll get a nice tan.” He looked up and gave Sam the signal to keep reading.

“eisque æternæ perditionìs venenum propinare Vade, satana, inventor et magister omnis fallaciæ, hostis humanæ salutis, Humiliare sub potenti manu Dei, contremisce et effuge, invocato a nobis sancto et terribili Nomini quem inferi tremunt Ab insidiis diaboli, libera nos, Domine.”

Meg began to writhe in pain as Sam continued to read the exorcism.

“AH!”

Sam stopped reading.

Meg looked Brooke straight in the eye and said, “He begged for his life you know. Your father and theirs.” She looked from Brooke to Sam. “Your dad begged with tears in his eyes. He begged to see his boys one last time. That’s when I slit his throat.” Sam and Dean exchanged looks and Sam went right back to reading, a look of determination on his face.

“Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica”

Dean walked around and confronted Meg to her face. He leaned in and said, “For your sake, I hope you’re lying. Cuz if it’s true, I swear to GOD! I will march into hell myself and I will slaughter, each and every one of you evil sons of bitches, so help me god.” Meg cried out in agony as Sam continued to read. “Where is he?” Dean asked as he began to walk around the room once more.

“You just won’t take dead for an answer will you?” Meg said in between grunts and groans.

“WHERE IS HE?”

“DEAD!”

“NO HE’S NOT! HE’S NOT DEAD! HE CAN’T BE!” Every muscle in Dean’s body was tight as he tried to restrain himself from striking the demon, the only thing that knew where his father was. He noticed that Sam had stopped reading and that they were all staring at him. His eyes caught Brooke’s and a flash of surprised crossed his face as he recognized the look of anger and hatred that was set upon hers as she looked at Meg. He looked at Sam. “What are you looking at, keep reading.”

Meg began to scream. Watching her writhe around in that chair, watching her scream and moan, was almost too much for Brooke. She wanted to see this demon bitch suffer and be sent back to hell. After all, she had killed her father. But watching it all happen, and realizing the sheer hate and anger that was building up inside of her, stronger than she had ever felt before, it just all became too much for her. This demon was possessing this poor girl. This poor, innocent girl. Making her do things that were unspeakable. The demon may have been the one in pain, but what Brooke saw was this girl, trapped, and incapable of defending herself. Just like she had been. Her heart began to race, and she was almost in a panic as she realized she had to get out of there. She stormed out of the room, no doubt followed by everyone’s gaze, and planted herself at the bottom of the stairs.

She could still hear Meg screaming as Sam continued to read the exorcism, but she couldn’t leave the house. If Meg had brought friends they were certainly outside just waiting for someone to come out. So Brooke covered her ears and started humming to herself. She started humming an old Johnny Cash song, her father’s favorite singer. As she sat there on the stairs humming, tears rolled down her cheeks. She was getting her revenge. The thing that killed her father was being sent back to hell where it belonged, than why did she still feel so empty? So lost?

She wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting there, but she suddenly realized the screaming had stopped. She stood, wiped the tears from her face, and walked into the study. All three men kneeled over the girl as she lie on the floor. She was whispering something to them, as Brooke drew closer all she caught was the word “Sunrise” and then the girl was gone. All three of them had looks of remorse on their faces as they stood up. There was a moment where they all looked at each other, as the realization that this girl was dead sunk in.

“We should call someone.” Brooke said softly, her voice still choked up from crying.

Bobby picked up the phone and made the call while the boys cleaned up the chair and got rid of the restraints. Brooke couldn’t make herself do anything except look at the girl. She had nothing to do with this. She was just some poor innocent girl who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and was possessed by some demon, and now she was dead. She was used as a meat suit and made to do god awful things, including killing Brooke’s father.

“What happened to her do you know?” Brooke asked no one in particular.

“What do you mean?” Sam replied.

“I mean what happened to her that killed her? It wasn’t the exorcism; it had to be something else.” She turned to face him.

“She fell out a seventh floor window.”

She nodded and walked into the kitchen, another innocent victim of this fight against evil.

“Thanks.” Bobby hung up the phone. “You boys get everything cleaned up?”

“Yeah, no evidence of foul play.” Dean said as he wiped his hands on a dish rag.

“Well you boys better get outta here before the paramedics get here.” Bobby said ushering them out. “Brooke and I will handle it from here.” He gestured towards Brooke as she stood by the back door.

“What are you gonna tell ‘em?” Dean asked as he put his jacket on.

“You think you guys invented lying to the cops? I’ll figure something out.” He handed Sam the book that contained the protective circles, “Here. You might need it”

“Thanks.” Sam said taking the book.

“Thanks, for everything,” Dean said with a nod.

           “You boys just get your daddy back, and when you do, you bring him around, you hear, I won’t even try to shoot him this time.” Bobby gave them a half smile and turned back to the study.

           Brooke opened the back door for them. Sam stooped down and gave her a hug as he said good bye, then headed out the door.

           Dean paused with his hand on the door and turned to look at her. “You alright?”

           She tilted her head up to meet his gaze, at six foot one; her eyes were just about level with his nose. “No.” she replied softly.

           He closed his eyes and sighed. “Sorry, stupid question.”

           “It’s just a lot right now, you know,” He nodded his head slowly, “but don’t worry about me.” She punched him lightly in the stomach and gave a half assed smile. “I’ve been through a lot in my life, and I’ll get through this too, eventually. You just worry about finding your dad.”

He didn’t say anything. He just put his hand on her shoulder and gave her a heartfelt look, then walked out the door.

#supernatural #spn #dean winchester #sam winchester #spnfics #spnfic #supernatural fic #supernaturalfic #fanfiction #fanfic #supernatural fan fiction

[eastendeagle-blog]

JANUARY

I’m not sure how it happened, but it happened again. Once I lose control over it, it’s game over for me. It’s a scary feeling to be out of touch with reality, when my mind takes full control of what I’m doing – sure, that’s what a mind is for, but unlike other people, those are the demons that take over control.

Moving to Helsinki was supposed to be a new beginning for me. I was happy Joone trusted me enough to give me the opportunity to live with him in the city, otherwise I would be living in the streets of New York by now. I was going to share an apartment with him but only under a few conditions:  first one; to quit heroin and cocaine, and slow down on the alcohol. Second; to behave properly, which only works for me if I follow anger management classes again and see a therapist. I was going to start at my new job on January 15, a software engineering job – it was a big opportunity for me to get my life back again. Make money and save money to move back to New York. The first week in Finland was terrible, a living nightmare, truly. I was withdrawing from heroin and cocaine – I was sweating, feeling paranoid, behaving very aggressive towards people around me. I could easily smack someone. I have never seen Joone that moody before, I could see at his face that he was done with me. And he’s always the happy, fun guy who wants to keep things positive all the time. He ordered a seat on the other side of the plane because I ‘embarrassed’ him. When we landed in Helsinki, we had to meet the Airloft staff for an explanation. Great. That was just our flight journey, but it continued to be like that for the rest of the week at least.

I didn’t have any drugs, and I had to wait for my antipsychotics to come overseas, which was due to the end of the month. I felt really scared when I was sober, I was on the edge of losing myself. I knew it was coming, I could feel it. Anything could trigger it. But I tried to stay strong, and sometimes when I felt really messed up I just drank a bottle of vodka which helped me go through the day. Joone was not happy with it, clearly, while he was busy making plans to renovate and design the house. I just couldn’t be there where his mind was at that point.  I became an insomniac;  I couldn’t sleep without medication or drugs, I hardly slept 2-3 hours on a night and because of that I became delusional. I had dreams about my childhood with my father back in Finland. What he did to me and to my mother, the smells of rotten flesh, the tracks of blood on the walls – and even when I woke up in bed, I saw my father bending over me wanting to strangle me with his bare hands,  and it made me panic, and felt like I was suffocating. But it was only a delusion, I realized everytime Joone ran up to me to help me. Joone was very concerned, while he had a busy job himself he couldn’t fully focus on because of the care he had of me. And it made me feel bad, like the fucking bug I am, the stress I cause for the people around me that love me. So, what I do is detach myself from those people by isolating myself or walking away from home – I don’t like the feeling of bothering people with my crazy mind all the time;  enough is enough. I needed a break from my people, but the dangerous thing about is that I have time alone for myself, and just in those times when I feel like I’m on the edge of something scary, it can be seriously triggering.  

Moving to Finland reminds me of all of the things that went wrong in my life. This is the land where I was born, where the misery started right away. I was born in the wrong family. My mother was a sweetheart, but my father’s negativity ruled my life;  no one or nothing could beat his negativity – negativity in a sense that was not just emotional and physical abuse,  he made me feel very frightened about life on a very young age. He made me believe in Devils, witches, he showed me what murder is like (he has some blood on his hands), he showed me what happens to a human and animal corpses once it dies. He literally, showed me, in front of his eyes. In Satanic ritual nights, we went into the woods, with other members of the Satanist community including family members. I was about 4 years old when I saw my father stick a sword in a goat’s heart, with a big smile on his face, to sacrifice the goat by burning it to ashes. Everybody was clapping and yelling. I remember I was crying and I wanted to escape and go back home but my father busted me, got insanely furious, tied me up to a tree and left me there during the whole night on my own in the woods. There were fucking bears there. Lucky for me it was around May, so the temperature wasn’t that cold anymore. But traumas like these will stick with me for the rest of my life.  The way he behaved at home was insane, my father is a true lunatic. Very paranoid, schizophrenic, but more than all, the Devil himself; and he believes to be;  he is a Satanist, and as a Satanist you have to believe to be your own ‘God’,  and that’s the motto he lives by. He could do anything to me and my mother. He had no boundaries. He would abuse me in front of my mother’s eyes until the point I blacked out, when all I remember was how I heard my mother hysterically crying and screaming, and my father hysterically laughing like some psychopath. After several smacks I wasn’t even conscious anymore. But it happened every week.  I remember the sleepless nights I had as a child, when my father would sneak up to my room and tell me one of his ghost/witch stories, right after that he wanted to touch me. And he didn’t want me to scream for my mother, so he pushed a pillow on my head and nearly suffocated me, while he was doing all kinds of things. And I remember all the restlessness I experienced as a child. Everything was so terrifying.  I never knew the feeling of safety, it wasn’t there;  my mother could give me it to me for just a moment,  until my father disturbed it once again.  And these are just a few memories, but I could write a book full of them.

I struggle with not just schizophrenia, but very intense PTSD, and ever since I came back to Finland, I constantly see flashbacks from my past. Just split moments of those traumas, but the most horrifying images flash before my eyes. In combination with schizophrenia, it can make me very delusional. Just about the moment I mentioned earlier, how I saw and felt my father strangling me when I woke up from nightmares.  

Just one night, I remember walking out the door, without telling Joone, without telling anybody, knowing it wasn’t a very good idea, but somehow I felt like I needed it, like some kind of trance I ended up in. I sat on the stairs of the city centre in Helsinki – it was snowing – I was cold and alone, smoking cigarette after cigarette. My first day at work was the day after tomorrow. I remember thinking, ‘now this is a realistic thought I’m having’. But that thought quickly faded away. I don’t know, I just couldn’t live in reality anymore, it took me too much effort to keep pushing myself back in reality, because I felt my mind constantly wandering off. Thinking about my past; the urge and desire I have to kill my father; how sorry I feel for my mother all the time;  how I became the mentally fucked up person I am today;  how I fuck shit up, how I blame all the misery on my father;  my drug habit I’ve been dealing with since age 16. All of that… it doesn’t go away. I need to accept the loop I’m living in.    And sometimes I can not believe I am alive. Barely alive. Physically, well, I’m physically strong. But mentally… Mentally I am so damaged… That I doubt if things will ever be OK with me. I was lost in thoughts.

Then, suddenly,  I saw a woman with a child walking by. The child was about the age of 10, I believe. However, it took all of my focus and made all of my thoughts go away.  They were walking in the snow, the child was laughing- they were clearly happy. I stood up from the stairs and followed them.  I believe that was the point where the psychosis was triggered. I followed them and yelled, “Keila!”;  it seemed to feel so right to me. That was my daughter walking there. I ran up to them and I saw the mother protecting her child as she yelled at me. She yelled “Apua!”, means ‘help’ in Finnish. I told her that that child is my daughter. I was very confused but I knew I was right, I was completely convinced, but why is Keila with that woman?  It made me frustrated. The woman became aggressive towards me and started to push me away. I wanted to take Keila with me, but she started crying. Later on, I realized there were some people watching the situation. It made me uncomfortable. I looked at Keila, and my mind went empty. The mother yelled at me all kinds of things like ‘pedophile’ and ‘creep’. I wanted to say a lot of things but no words came out. She yelled at me that she was going to call the police and that’s the moment when I took off.  I ran away. I kept running for about 10 minutes. I stopped to smoke a cigarette, somewhere in an alley. I started to experience the world around me somewhat foggy and blurry, and I remember I was detaching from reality. Yes, I heard a voice inside my head that made everything worse, whispering to me that I am a creep, and it is my fault Keila is dead now. This certain voice I hear, is very important to me, because he speaks the truth and all of my deepest insecurities. When he comes it’s panic time. I saw people walking by but I knew they weren’t real. The cars passing by, they weren’t real. And I looked to the sky and I felt so alone, and scared. Like the child I was back in the woods, left alone tied up to a tree. Abandoned. Frightened. And I remembered Keila in my mind, the sweet child I lost. I finally came to the realization how much I miss her. All the time in New York I was doing drugs to forget about her. Not just my past, most of the time it was her.. The memory I was pushing away. I figured I never really talked about her death with friends because what happened to her is probably the worst traumatic experience I have dealt with in my life. My father ended her in the most cruel way, like he’s been doing to a lot of people and gets away with it every time. And my father, he’s highly intelligent but it makes him behave like a fuck ass, but he is smart enough to hide from the police. From that point on,  I couldn’t think about anything else but Keila.  She is there, buried, in the woods where my father lives, my father knows where she is and I want to be the one to bury her, and say goodbye one last time.  But unfortunately, my father lives in Lapland, which is about 800 kilometres away from Helsinki. But I was in complete trance and I probably seemed very disorganized and disturbed to the people around me, but I had to go to Kuusamo by train. Kuusamo, the little Santa Claus town. It’s beautiful there, but there’s a lot of dark energy going on.  The demon inside my head encouraged the plan to find Keila’s body. “Do it”, it says repeatedly.  Since that moment when I took the train, everything became to blurry to go in detail about this journey. I remember I was sitting in the train and felt all eyes looking at me, I probably have been talking to a wall or something, I acted very discomforting. I knew I was in a train but I was seeing and hearing all kinds of things that made me freak out. It was very bad. Everything was too vaguely to put into words. I do remember how things went completely confusing when two police women came up to me to talk. First thing I did was telling them that I never killed anybody, I wasn’t the guy they were looking for. I thought they wanted to arrest me for homicide. I’m still paranoid about everything that happened in the past, the blood on my hands that still smell so fresh to me. They took me with them out of the train into their car and I thought they were going to murder me, I thought those were two people dressed up as police women, they are spies from Russia. Oh, I was convinced. I started to panic and freak out and that’s when things esqualated like crazy. I’ve been put down on the floor and put in a cell for the night.   Next morning, Joone came to visit me. He was very angry but very concerned about me and wondered what the Hell I’ve been up to. I never told him what I was up to. I was still very insane and everything and my speech was completely disorganized; I couldn’t really speak properly because my brain was bouncing around with thoughts. That always happens when I have a psychosis. I could hardly follow him but he thought it’s for the best to put me in a psychiatric hospital for the upcoming weeks, to shake the disease off, and until I get my medication from overseas. I agreed. He called me crazy for wanting to dig up Keila who’s been laying underneath the dirt for 4 years already. Maybe it is crazy but not for me in that moment.

The same day I went to the psychiatric hospital where I had a meeting with the chief. It was a terrible meeting because I couldn’t function properly.  The world to me still felt like it was fake and I was still very focused on my journey to find Keila. Luckily, Joone was there next to me, and he told the chief about me, my health, my background.  Next thing I knew I was placed in the public department. I still had no idea what was going on. I knew I had a lot of therapy sessions the first three days in the hospital. I was really numb, so I could get anything off my chest and it made it all sound so shallow.  They gave me medication that just made my symptoms get even worse, but it gave my emotion back, which is not always a good thing. When I gain emotion back, I mostly get really frustrated and aggressive about everything.  I can’t really say I’m a happy person, I don’t act like it. I see the world in black and white.

It was probably the 5th or 6th day in the hospital. I have a personal nurse, she’s really tough to me. I don’t know what happened in my mind, but I became very delusional and my mind made me believe that she was Keila’s mother. The girl I made pregnant when I was 17 on a vacation in Finland. And fuck, it made me angry. The nurse was talking to me about my medication but I didn’t believe her for shits. She wanted to poison me. It was Keila’s mother in disguise. I had to end her. I jumped up on her and put my hands around her neck, I wanted to strangle her. I yelled at her where Keila is, because I somehow believe she is still somewhere. I attacked her and I really felt so much adrenalin that I really wanted to finish her. But of course, there are cameras, guards everywhere around the place. The guards came to shake me off of her, they were pushing me on the ground, and I remember how I went totally crazy. I was so angry I didn’t kill her. She knew about Keila all along, and now she was trying to poison me with her medication that only made me feel worse.  The guards bruised me, handcuffed me and dragged me to a different place of the building. Sometimes, in moments like this,  my life is just like a movie. It’s a crazy thing but it just happens. I was put in an isolation cell. I had to stay in there until I calm down. But I have been here before, I know exactly what it is like to be in an isolation cell. It takes me back to the time when I was a kid living in a psychiatric institute in Russia, where I lived for a year in an isolation cell because, same thing; I was really aggressive.  

My psychiatrist here, Kallio, she is a good person. She is about 60 years old and she’s really fun. She makes me feel calm. I was beeped up to come for a therapy session around 2 o’clock.  I walked in her office and the first thing she said to me, “Oh honey, you look terrible”.  I just like it when people are straight up honest. “I am terrible”, I answered. She shook her head and smiled at me, asked me to sit down on the chair next to her. We had a good conversation and she asked me about the situation that happened earlier,  “a little dramatic of you, don’t you think?” Yes, I suppose. But I didn’t answer. She wanted to clear something up by mentioning the following symptoms; that she had seen my struggling with mood swings, how I could be easy and calm and next I turn into some kind of beast. The fact I can’t be cool around fellow patients in the public department because they made me aggressive very quickly. She mentioned my criminal background, how I still want to work illegally, and because I like the thrill of it- the fact that I still want to meet my father to kill him, it gives me the thrill of life. I always want to do something stupid; live my life on the edge. And my dramatic activity around here. She summed up to me and asked, “Has any doctor or psychiatrist in your life ever mentioned borderline personality disorder to you?”.  Well, it made me laugh really hard. “I don’t want another label sticking on me for the rest of my life, Kallio. I have enough shit going on. What you call ‘borderline’ are to me just personality traits. I can be very expressive, that’s it.”  And she gives me the ‘psychiatrist-stare’.  I confessed, “OK, yes, they mentioned it earlier in my life. That I have borderline personality disorder, but that was a long time ago. I was probably 15 or something”. She nodded. But I looked at her suspiciously, and said “But I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I don’t want medication for it, I don’t want to label myself as a borderline person. I don’t want to be a person with paranoid schizophrenia AND borderline, you know how crazy that sounds?”.  It made her laugh, she told me I’m not crazy. She promised me to leave it by the labels I know for now.  

The next day.  The nurse that I strangled was absent. She didn’t want to finish the treatment with me. Obviously. So I got a male nurse. Every morning they give me my medication but the voice in my head keeps convincing me that it’s the poison that is slowly trying to kill me. In the end, I take the medication but it takes a lot of time and effort for the nurses. I hated the medication they give to me. Back in New York, I had amazing stuff.  It made me feel awake, and all the voices, the hallucinations and delusions were muted, not entirely, but for a greater part, yes, definitely. I told the nurse I’m waiting for better medication to arrive from the United States, which made me become very political and I told them in English, with my perfect New York accent, that Finland is a shot hole. That Finland is not important to anybody, and that everyone here are freaks; and I’m not talking about the people in the psychiatric hospitals, I’m talking about all population of Finnish people. I told them I was glad I was only 50% Finnish, and the rest English-  which made me brag in a Sheffield account. I went kind of crazy again, very frustrated with everything. So I was sent back to Kallio’s office for another session. Right after that I became more calm again.

The next day.  Joone came to visit me. He also told me I looked terrible. But he had a surprise for me, and he showed me my medication which arrived from overseas. It put a smile on my face and made me want to hug him. I felt much more comfort now I have those pills.  I had to wait for my psychiatrist approval of the drugs, since it’s from America where any pills are stronger. But Kallio knew that the pills from Finland didn’t make me feel any better.  Luckily, they were approved and I could start the next day with my new medication to see if things are going better for me. The next couple of days went so much better for me.  I was placed back into the public department and I actually made a few friends, too. Kallio said I could celebrate my birthday at home, which was due on a Friday (perfect), but I had to be back the next day around 5 pm.

Friday, I woke up feeling great. I love my freedom and to have my freedom on my birthday is the best I could wish for. Joone picked me up with his car, and we drove to the south of the country. Back to Helsinki.  I know I felt tired at the moment, just exhausted from the whole situation. Joone was talking about what to do with my birthday, who to invite, where to go, this and that. But I wasn’t that much of energy yet, even though I was excited. I don’t know, I just went really quiet after everything that has happened.  Once we arrived at our new apartment,  I saw how much effort Joone put in making the place look nice. Just lovely. He’s such a hard worker. I’m not a man of compliments, but you can sense it when I appreciate something. Joone and I decided to go out for dinner and party later at Tavastia, which is a rock club in Helsinki. It’s a good place.  Joone was like, “you’re not going to drink much tonight, right? Since you’re on medication”. Well, once I drink, I’m gonna drink until I pass out. He was constantly saying it and I said “no, I’ll be careful”. But inside I was laughing. Of course I’m gonna drink. I’m 33 now, feel old as balls, I want to feel 23 again.  We beeped up some of our friends, we don’t have many friends here yet, because we just moved here,  but some old friends from pastimes were invited for my birthday mesh. I think we had dinner with 9 of us, which started around 6 until 8.  Well, I couldn’t behave, I drank like there was no tomorrow. I think I had about 3 red wine, later on I went crazy on the vodka again. I just love vodka, it’s so good here in Finland. I was extremely tipsy, but so was Joone. I talked to him in the bathroom of the restaurant. “I’m drunk as shits, man”, while slurring my words. He was all happy like, “me too!”. I asked him if he cares about the fact I’m this drunk already and it will definitely get even worse tonight. He answered, “I don’t care. It’s your birthday. If you want to fuck yourself up, just do it. It’s your birthday. We’re gonna get shit faced anyway so I kind of expected it”.  It made me feel so thankful for having that guy in my life. He’s all concerned and tough on me sometimes, but other times he doesn’t even care anymore and he still gives me the freedom to do whatever I want. He’s not going to boss around. I think I told him I love you or something.

We went back to pay and unto the next venue;  Tavastia. Dark nightclub/bar sort of thing. Nothing can beat New York bars but as long as there’s booze, I’m not complaining. Joone and I made a deal how we’re both gonna get laid tonight and make it rough. Joone can easily get anybody, but quite frankly, we’re not in a gay bar this time so it’s gonna be 50/50 who’s gonna get the chicks.  I’m a playful flirt, but I can’t be too drunk because it makes me really sloppy and it makes me want to skip the flirting part and go right over to the sexual part. I sometimes need to remind myself to be careful with girls. Women. Chicks.  Especially when I’m drunk. We were with 6 people hanging at the bar, Joone and I, Joone’s sister; Eeva (she’s badass), Valtteri, Matleena and Seepo, people we met earlier while going out in Helsinki. Cool people.  First hour Joone became friends with tons of girls,  as if he has some chickmagnet in the inside of his coat. Think they were probably talking about fashion or that kind of stuff. But good for me. Thank you, Joone.  The girls weren’t making much contact with me but I didn’t really fancy them much either. Then after a shot tequila, Joone was all starting to promote me “This guy here, has been a model in New York, and he’s half British!”   It’s kind of embarrassing to me, I don’t find it flattering at all. All I could think was ‘Joone stop it, I’m gonna tell them myself once I get the chance’.  It is crazy how these girls started to hang around me immediately. I thought it was stupid. Just because I’ve been modeling in New York, I’m half British, you want to fuck me?   That is so fucking cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap. So I ordered vodka at the bar and went outside for a smoke.  Cheap bitches. I became a little frustrated but I had to control myself. Nobody talk to me. Then Matleena came outside with some guy she probably met here. Laughing. She was really shit faced, I could see. She was like “Hi Aleksander! Meet Matti!”  This and that.  They smoked with me, but the dude went to the bathroom inside.  I asked Matleena, “do you think bitches only love me because I’ve been a New York model and because I’m half British?” She started laughing. “Who convinced you that?”.  “Some girls Joone is hanging with at the bar.”  “No, the right bitch loves you for the intelligent person that you are”, she said. Now, that’s flattering. I gave her a hug. I wanted to kiss her but I didn’t.  Matleena, she’s alright. She’s so friendly and sweet.  So we went back to the group and at the end of the hall I saw Joone sitting on the bar drinking even more shots.  I knew that I probably have to drag him home again, just like last time we went out, I literally dragged him home in the snow. Next time he’s gonna pay me for it.  I saw Joone was hanging with a Latino guy, and I was all like “Who’s that?” and he says he’s Juan from Venezuela, this and that, he’s gonna do him, blah blah. Now Joone has scored, I need to score as well.  Maybe a couple of shots will do the trick.  I went off alone and started hanging in the front hall with some girls. I pretended to be American, and they were all falling for it. I just needed to fuck someone, cheap or not.   I saw Valtteri walking towards the men’s bathroom and he was all like, ‘follow me’. So I did. And he took me into the corner of the bathroom and offered me some coke. Fuck yes, that’s what I need. We went snorting like beasts and he said “I’ll catch you later”. I went back to the front hall to my girls. They were so drunk. We started talking some more. They were all starting to get clingy, especially this girl from Sweden. She was really into me. She was touching me and hugging me, and I slowly felt the cocaine rush coming. I just didn’t care anymore. We made out. I just didn’t care anymore, I dragged her to the men’s bathroom. Men were watching but they were all encouraging and supportive to our sexual act.  We made it a quicky, but it was allllllright.

The rest of the night was a total blur to me. I continued to drink. Joone passed out for half an hour at least, he was backstage. I just laughed at him. All I can remember is that we had a good time. It’s fun to go out every now and then.  I remember vaguely walking home from the club to our apartment. It was snowing like crazy.  It was just me and Matleena, Joone and Juan. I have lost the rest of the group but I didn’t care. I think Joone tripped about 70 times on our way home because he was blinded by the snow. He fell on the hood of a random car parking in the streetway. Totally messed up.  It was 6 in the morning and I invited Matleena in my bed. We were doing alright there. Next morning we woke up, feeling completely buzzed but a night like this is worth it all.

January was crazy. Literally, crazy.