#confirmed and definite queer family members: its just me myself and i

[jane-d-ankh-veos]

What I’m also immensely thankful for in the Railway and Ambitions is that the Calendar Council has been finally given some credit. "Lost in Reflections", "The Calendar Code" and Sunless Skies are comforting exceptions (which made me fall in love with them more and more), but mostly they were awfully written in the past. Destinies: the most WTF example is killing December in "...use it wisely". First of all, you’re near the Mountain of Light that gives immortality to that part of the Elder Continent (where, for example, even ordinary people of Grandinia were simply unable to die). Second, December is someone clearly supernatural, and in no way would be so easy to assassinate. Third, they’re a mastermind who conspires against gods themselves, and would have figured out your true plans in advance, or at least wouldn’t attack right away. So essentially it’s "how to ruin a character in three steps", and I hate it, especially in contrast with how I like the other option of this Destiny and how I admire December in Skies. And the Destiny with the Liberation of Night is a failure altogether because it doesn’t even mention what the Liberation is and why revolutionaries want it (which leads to 90% of the hatred it receives, since people who don’t bother with lore or haven’t played Skies have nothing more to associate it with but destruction). Sunless Sea: I’m still mad at that quest of the Empire of Hands where you may choose to deliver the secret information to February, and... Something Very Bad Happens. Why? Well, probably Because They’re Very Bad. What exactly? You will never know, she just burns London down for some reason. It’s definitely not the case when dangerous characters are complex and vague writing is intriguingly mysterious; it’s just obviously lazy. "A Little Pandemonium": the same problem as with the Destiny. November and her Liberationists are portrayed as people who simply bring chaos, with no insight into their true motivations or any hints why light is no less cruel than what they resort to. "Cut with Moonlight": yes, it’s confirmed now that September prioritizes opposing the Empire over Masters and Judgements, and that’s fine. It could have been his cameo alone. But why December? And why September is called September before the Fall? And if so, what the hell is the Council (or their followers) doing on the Surface? When July went there in another ES, it still was for matters of the Bazaar. And December is usually aiming higher than even that. If a city isn’t Fallen and isn’t going to, there are no reason for them to focus on some particular one so much, because the Surface has all kinds of its own revolutionaries who can deal with it, and the Council’s whole thing is that they’re an esoteric society of revs of the Neath, Parabola and High Wilderness, doing what others can’t (or even don’t know about). So it looks like yet another instance of "we need an antagonist, these evil anarchists will do". Hallowmas: and then there’s the Haunted Doctor’s confession about March, with no ground for the assassination other than "his religion conflicted with his politics". Which explains absolutely nothing. Conflicted in what ways? How did March himself justify/deny/balance it? Why didn’t he just leave the Council (like Bourdain or the Curt Relicker)? Why was he allowed to join it in the first place then? Was it the whole Council who voted for it, or several members, or just one (who may have had personal reasons, and it would maintain the desired "they have internal disagreements" effect just as much)? Nope, it’s Because They’re Bad all over again, which is not only lazy but also at odds with how thoughtful and well-intentioned (despite what they have to do and sacrifice for the future, which is a much deeper and better drama... that is completely ignored here, yes) they are in other stories and individually. ...Maybe I’m too harsh to writers of a free game made by an indie studio. But not only because I see that their writing can be amazing (and in most of it, truly is), or because of my favourite characters. I’m also incredibly tired of dealing with the very same "the opposition is bad because it’s bad" and "the opposition only wants to destroy everything" in real life. Portraying fictional rebels against status quo as cartoon villains is a part of feeding these stereotypes – the ones why I constantly have to explain not-so-obvious-to-others things (that giving women rights won’t ruin society, that queer people don’t want to destroy families and eliminate morality, that protesters wouldn’t break the law if they had other ways to express their silenced opinion, etc.) to be allowed to be myself and live in peace. So when FL/SS takes inspiring characters who lead a similar fight (against the Chain for freedom of being who you want to be, against powerful censors and murderers such as the Judgements and the Bazaar...) and turns them into the above examples, it hurts way more.

#fallen london #sunless sea #failbetter games #the calendar council #calendar council #the liberation of night #liberation of night

[sidigtal-anim]

The Owl House, Season 2 Speculation

New Year, New Speculations! In the middle of the season, Owl House Season 2 is still over the horizon, and many fans (myself included) are clamouring for even the slightest bit of info. Whether its episode titles, how many episodes, a release date, etc. Many are excited for the prospect of Season 2, confirmed two months ahead of the series’ premiere!

Season 1 left many things unresolved, yet still found itself to be satisfying in some aspects. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does leave excitement for more episodes. This post will talk abou three main areas: character development and their anticipated arcs, the main plot introduced, and smaller side plots incorporated in Season 1.

I’m more of a casual Owl House fan, but I enjoy speculating about what is to come. So if I missed anything, let me know!

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR SEASON ONE OF “THE OWL HOUSE”

Let’s begin, shall we?

Character Development and Anticipated Arcs

Luz and Amity – Obviously one of the most exciting and anticipated arcs in a very long time, since all main character queer relationships canonically happen towards the end of the series, either as a result of censorship or queerbaiting. One good and the other not as much.) From their rough first meeting at Hexside all the way to playing on the same Grudgby team, we’ve seen their relationship naturally bloom in the first season. There’s definitely gonna be tensions with the Blight family, but that falls more under plot.

Eda and Lilith – Nothing says interpersonal drama more than a complicated sibling relationship. At the end of Season 1, Lilith shares the curse with Eda after helping them escape Belos’ imprisonment. I don’t believe that they will have a happy go-lucky relationship from the start of Season 2, but I do believe that they are on the path to bettering themselves and each other. Possibly an introduction of their parents (as introduced at the end of “Covention”) but perhaps not.

Willow & Gus – Perhaps one of the more frustrating parts of The Owl House personally. Willow and Gus have very little character development for themselves in Season 1. Other episodes that focus on them were mainly narrative devices to further develop other characters. e.g. 115 - “Understanding Willow” although being about Willow, was mainly a means to develop Amity, Luz and introduce the Blight Family drama, therefore developing Amity’s arc further rather than develop Willow herself. I think it is fine for a first season to prioritise which characters to show, and which to set up for later on. My hopes for Season 2 is that they will have their own development outside of being used to further other forefront characters. 

Main Plots Introduced

Emperor Belos

The Magic of Belos

The Refueling – In 118 - “Agony of a Witch”, when Lilith enters Belos’ chambers for the first time, we see him ragged and tiredly hunched over his throne gasping for air. To rejuvenate himself, he takes what seems to be a Palisman broken from their staff and cuts it open, revealing a green goo-like energy. He drips it into his eyes, supposedly giving him power.

Witch’s Wool Cape – The Witch’s Wool Cape is the cape that Eda made for Luz in 118 - “Agony of a Witch” and Luz is seen wearing it in 119 - “Young Blood, Old Souls”. What remains interesting about this is what Eda specifically says about it (”It repels powerful spells. Every Witch worth their salt has a cloak like this!”) and how Belos is able to use powerful magic against Luz to slam her into the wall during their fight sequence. Does this mean Belos is using a different type of magic? Or is his magic far more powerful than the Witch’s Wool can withstand?

The Titan of the Boiling Isles & Belos’ Propaganda – The Titan is technically canon and true. In Belos’ throne room, we see his throne just under a very large beating heart. However, it’s not clear if Belos in actuality is able to speak to the Titan, or if he’s trying to maintain order and rule.

The Spy of Belos – This is more of a minor plot introduced at the very end of 119 - “Young Blood, Old Souls”, but Belos speaks to Kikimora and shows a spy wearing a Palace guard uniform and a mask that somewhat resembles Hooty.

The Portal to the Human World – This remains one of the greater mysteries of Belos, as the finale shows him to want access to the human world, yet the show does not say why. Perhaps his goal is to somehow liberate the world by the actual word of the Titan, or he wants to take over the human world under the disguise of being able to speak to the Titan. Either way, it leads to the Human World being taken over by Belos.

Hexside Academy & The Mono-Coven System – The addition of Luz is interesting, as she and the other previous members of the Detention track all have multi-coven learning. Previous to that, Eda was the only real exception who was not a part of a coven and using “Wild Magic”. It leaves the question if Belos’ tolerance for a blatant disregard for his system in Hexside will be brought to light, and how he may try to enforce his rule.

Luz Noceda

The Portal & Returning Home – The only real way for Luz to return home is through Belos’ makeshift portal, since she destroyed Eda’s original portal to protect the human world from Belos.

Letters to Luz’s Mom – A big mystery is who is sending Luz’s mom the letters pretending to be her from Boring Camp in “Enchanting Grom Fright”? Theories have been swirling around of it being Eda, Emperor Belos or even a new representative in the human world with the ability to carry out Belos’ plans. The question now is if the sender is actually from the Boiling Isles, how did they send the messages? If using the portal, only Eda has the ability. Belos has lost actual access to the portal, so he isn’t a contender. The mystery looms over us.

Learning Magic & Connecting to the Boiling Isles – As of now, Luz knows four spells: Light, Ice, Plant, and Fire. She has been able to connect with the Island to use magic in her paper method, and the finale showed it was the connection to and magic of the Boiling Isles which allowed her to use the magic. There are a number of Covens and spells she has yet to learn, which also leads with her own journey to self-confidence and found family. 

Eda, Lilith & The Curse

The Curse – By the end, the curse is worsened. If not for Lilith sharing the curse with Eda, the curse would have taken over Eda and she would have been lost forever. But now with the elixir no longer working halfway through the season, they must find another way to undo the magic binding them to this transformation. 

Luz’s Paper Method of Magic – Eda and Lilith are unable to do any more typical magic using their biological functions, but Luz offers to teach them her Paper technique of using magic. Eda tries and it shows that she is able to use the Light spell at the least.

Hooty - I stan Hooty! There I said it! But this is more than just me irrationally stanning the best biord house, there’s actual interesting potential in the mythology behind Hooty. First of al,l as the titular character of “The Owl House” we know nothing about how he came into existence. We don’t know his past with Eda, nor how Eda, King and him came together. Potentially after Eda was cast as an outsider, but nothing specific yet.

The Blight Family

Amity (Personal Journey) – Amity has shown to have struggled with her family, more specifically limitation by her parents and an extent of harassment by her siblings. This would also factor in several plots, such as: Belos and the mono-Coven system, Luz and her relationship with Amity, Willow and Amity, Basha, and several other related threads. I believe that the Blight Family will appear more plot related than just simply being character focused for Amity alone.

Side Plots

These are the mini plots introduced and have yet to be touched upon again.

King’s Species of the Demons –  In 104 “The Intruder” where we first learn of Eda’s curse, King speaks of his species: a group of which we haven’t seen yet. He says their weaknesses are purified water and passive-aggressive comments. We haven’t seen any other characters quite like King, so that’s something to look forward to.

The Magical Capabilities of Luz, Willow and Gus – In 106 “Hooty’s Moving Hassle” where Luz, Willow and Gus animate the Owl House with chicken legs, Eda says at the end “...[to animate a whole house.] That would take some powerful magic.” Meanwhile showing Amity and Basha’s five-person friend group unable to conjure a doll. If Amity is shown to be an exceptionally powerful witch unable to do a conjuring spell, it leaves a question of how powerful the trio actually is...

Azura Book Club – Lumity fans know the Azura book club, a.k.a Gen-Z’s way of figuring out if people are gay. (I’m half joking here.) But the Azura Book Club was mentioned last in 112 “Adventures in the Elements” and not touched upon again. 

Mattholomule, Gus and the Human Appreciation Society (H.A.S) - This isn’t that important, but Gus has been known for being very into human mythology and lore. Mattholomule is the Leader of H.A.S, but it still remains the question if Gus is still a part of it and trying to combat Mattholomule’s ridiculous human mythos to be liked.

The Palisman – There’s quite a bit surrounding this one so it forms into two topics.

The Bat Queen – A very interesting character appearing only twice (”Lost in Language”, and “Escape of the Palisman”) before never being mentioned again for the whole season. The Bat Queen has her children, as well as the protection of the abandoned Palisman by irresponsible Witches. Luz also leaves an open-ended offer to help the Bat Queen search for her original Owner. Perhaps the Titan was the Bat Queen’s original owner, or possibly a giant before the reign of Emperor Belos since she did mention it had been far too long to remember.

Palisman of the Main Cast – With the introduction of the Palisman, it leaves the question of when Luz, Willow, Amity, and Gus will get their own Palisman and which animal they would have. Luz has been shown to have the ability to use non-paper magic when in possession of a Palisman (”Young Blood, Old Souls”), so it could prove an interesting loophole for Luz to be flexible with the methods of magic she uses.

That concludes the speculation! As these are my own thoughts and opinions, I’d love to hear your speculations! Thank you for reading!

#the owl house #hooty #luz #luz noceda #amity #amity blight #lumity #willow #gus #The Owl House season 2 #eda clawthorne #king #disney

[carriagelamp]

I read more books this month than I anticipated. I should probably wait before doing a February book round up, but I already feel like I’m struggling to decide which ones to cut from my list so I’m doing it this weekend instead of next. If I read much next week I’ll bump ‘em up into March’s round up

Asterix and the Missing Scroll / Chieftain’s Daughter

I got the last two “new” Asterix books out of the library so I could officially say I had read them all. Over all my opinion is… they’re fine! None of these would ever become one of my favourites, but they’re all fine stories. The art is good, it is completely in-line with the original, and the stories are… fine. I liked The Missing Scroll quite a bit more than The Chieftain’s Daughter but I never find a ~hurr hurr teenagers~ plotline that interesting, whereas I do enjoy seeing Romans get chased down by unicorns so that’s probably not surprising. There’s some spark I can’t put my finger on that the new Asterix books just seem to be missing though… a bit of humour or cleverness or something. Still, they’re fine reads if you’ve been hungry for more Asterix and I’m glad I read them. (Though the library gave me the American translation of The Chieftain’s Daughter, something I didn’t realize until I started reading and realized that this is wrong??? I’ve been reading these books since I could read and I know this is wrong??? What the hell is happening??? The I realized the publisher was different and I simmered in fury the whole time I read it — WHY ARE YOU CHANGING NAMES AND WORD CHOICES IN A WELL ESTABLISHED SERIES THAT ALREADY HAS AN ENGLISH TRANSLATION YOU ANIMALS WHY ARE YOU DUMBING DOWN THE LANGUAGE AAAUGH

The Bride Was A Boy

This one was cute! The Bride Was A Boy is an autobiographical manga written by a transwoman recounting her experience with transitioning, meeting her boyfriend, and eventually getting married. It’s mostly done in a 4-panel style and is interspersed with lots of information about the LGBT community, particularly in Japan. A lot of it was stuff I was already familiar with, but I still found it adorable and a very worthwhile read. it would be a fantastic book for young queer people who are looking for more of an introduction into international queer space

Cul de Sac: Children At Play

Cul de Sac is just a weird, fun newspaper comic series about the children who live in a small neighbourhood. It fully taps into the children-as-semi-feral-chaos-agents, and there’s something hilariously nostalgic about the whole thing. Lots of times when stories try to portray children there’s always something… wrong about it, something that doesn’t mesh with true childhood, but in this comic I can see glimpses of my grimy, dirty-covered self as a preschooler running around the pages. I would definitely recommend trying them!

The Cremation of Sam McGee

I reread The Cremation of Sam McGee and The Shooting of Dan McGrew and man, they don’t stop being buckwild. These are two really famous Canadian poems that were then illustrated by equally famous Canadian artist Ted Harrison. Harrison’s style is gorgeous and distinct and given what strangely grisly stories these poems are they fit the mood perfectly. Everything feels just a little tilted and wrong and unsettling. If you enjoy an occasional poem (especially ones that are super fun to read out loud) and haven’t read these before, I would recommend them! Or do what my teachers did, and read Sam Gee to a young child in your life and watch them be baffled and concerned and horrified.

There are strange things done / in the midnight sun / by the men who moil for gold...

The Gryphon’s Lair

The second book of the Royal Guide to Monster Slaying series written by Kelley Armstrong; I’ve been eagerly awaiting this book! It’s a very cool fantasy series because it really leans into environmental stewardship and the importance of studying animals and conservation so you can find ways to live alongside a healthy ecosystem. In this book Rowan is officially accepted as the Royal Monster Hunter, which means a whole new set of trials and burdens. She has to contend with a baby gryphon that is becoming increasingly large and dangerous, plotting family members, doubt about her abilities, a potential curse, and a daunting quest deep into the mountains in order to set things right. If you’re looking for some very gentle high fantasy, this series delivers.

Hogan’s Heroes comics

What to say here. Anyone following this blog has suffered the knowledge that I’ve been rewatching Hogan’s Heroes lately. When I found out that there was a short-lived, shitty comic series in the 60s? Of course I had to hunt them down. And so I’ve read them! And they sure were a shitty comic series from the 60s! They were, shall we say, of wildly varying quality. Some were actually really funny (like #5, it easily had the best art and best jokes imho), others were a slog, and most were fine and amusing enough to read the whole way through but not much more.

If you don’t know what Hogan’s Heroes is about: it was a 1960s sitcom that took place in a WWII POW camp, in which the Allied prisoners trapped there had a massive, complex sabotage/spy ring right underneath the camp. The whole show is about constantly outwitting the bumbling Germans while keeping up the pretense that they’re all just normal prisoners. The show is hilariously funny and I would recommend that, even if I can’t say the same for the comics unless you’re like me and are just really thirsty for more content...

Magic Misfits: The Fourth Suit (Ripley)

The final book of Neil Patrick Harris’ middle grade series, The Magic Misfits. In this fourth book, the group is fragmented and forced to meet in secret to avoid notice from the mysterious and powerful Kalagan whose cruel machinations have already turned the quiet little town on its ears, putting people’s lives in peril and destroy Leila’s fathers’ magic shop. The Misfits are going to need all their skills to finally unmask this sinister magician and break the mesmerism he seems to have placed over the entire town before it’s too late to save no only the town, but their friendship and trust.

Super charming series, and the illustrations are gorgeous.

Marsupilami

HOUBA! I watched a very bad TV adaptation of this as a kid that still managed to find a place in my heart, and so I decided to finally try reading some of the original comic! On one hand: it was exactly what I had hoped! The art is cute, the marsupilami is so dynamic and fun to see on the page (and has a way better characterization than he does in the show), and it’s really funny! Unfortunately! It is also pretty racist! Yikes! That seems to be a reoccuring downfall for some of these older Belgian comics... I also tried reading the first book of Les Tuniques Bleues and aye ye ye… I couldn’t actually get through that one. That being said, these were older volumes and frankly, North American media was also real fucking racist at that point so I’m not gonna write them off either. I really liked most of this book, and will probably try to get my hands on one of the more recent volumes of both Marsupilami and Les Tuniques Bleues to see if they get better with time. (If you’ve read either of those series and have volume recommendations hmu)

The Pagemaster

I’m a sucker for novelizations, I have no excuse beyond that. I recently rewatched The Pagemaster and decided to read the chapter book. And it was a solid little adaptation! It’s about Richard Tyler, a young boy with a head for statistics which unfortunately means he lives in constant fear of (in his opinion, statistically likely) injury or death. However that fear is put to the test when he gets caught in a horrible thunderstorm and has to shelter in a nearby library with halls and shelves that stretch beyond the imagination and with untold perils hidden among the pages of the books. Richard, with only his library card and three novels that hope to be checked out, has to venture through the different genres and horrors housed int he library if he ever wants to find the exit and get home to safety.

Pumpkinheads

A very charming little graphic novel. Cute art, and really loveable characters. Josiah and Deja work every year at a local pumpkin patch, and are best friends during those weeks. However this is their last year working there before going off to university and as the last day at the patch comes to a close they realize that they both still have regrets. Deja sets off on a mission to avoid work, eat all the interesting snacks around the patch, and get Josiah to find the girl he’s been crushing on every year and has never worked up the nerve to talk to.

After being deprived of human contact for almost a year, this book really hits you right in the heart.

The Screwfly Solution

A deeply upsetting scifi/horror short story! I read it on the recommendation of a friend and, yes, can confirm that this fucked me up a bit. I honestly don’t even know what to say about this that wouldn’t spoil it, but frankly with everything being as it is, this hit a little bit too close to reality. (That being said, it was very well written, like this is a very good story on a literary level and it does exactly what it sets out to accomplish.) If you feel like reading twenty pages and being really disturbed, give it a go! Otherwise go and read any number of the much happier books on this list!

The Whipping Boy

This was a book I remember reading as a lit circle book back in elementary school and really loving. After telling myself I’d reread it for years, I finally sat down with it again. If you somehow got through school without reading this one, it’s about a brat of a prince and his whipping boy — since it would be unspeakable to strike a prince, when the prince misbehaves it is Jemmy who gets whipped. Unsurprisingly, there is no love lost between the two of them, because the prince is always intentionally causing problems that Jemmy has to suffer for. Things begin to change though when the prince decides to run away and drags Jemmy along with him. On the run, being chased by highwaymen, and desperately trying to hide their identities, these boys go on a fast-paced adventure beyond the castle walls. It wasn’t as special as I remembered it being as a kid, but it’s a fine little chapter book.

#book review #book reviews #canadian literature #canlit #queer lit #the boy was a bride #asterix #asterix and the missing scroll #asterix and the chieftain's daughter #neil patrick harris #magic misfits #the whipping boy #screwfly solution #pumpkinheads #marsupilami #hogan's heroes #dell comics #pagemaster #kelley armstrong #a royal guide to monster slaying #the gryphon's lair #ted harrison #the cremation of sam mcgee #chatter

[quaintqueer]

I don't know what you think about labels, maybe you are the kind of person who watches shows like Marie Kondo where they organise people's houses and put sticky labels on everything so that you can easily identify the contents. Maybe you're the kind of person who does not like to be labelled or stereotyped. Maybe you prefer to be just yourself.

I have had a very complex relationship with labels and identity. You could say that I started off on the wrong foot. My mother went to a Baptist church on Sunday morning and a Charismatic/Pentecostal hands-in-the-air, shouting and screaming, spiritual warfare kind of church on Sunday night. And my dad had his Holy Communion as a kid and then went to mass on Easter and Christmas.  So to begin with my labels were numerous and incongruent which did cause some issues for younger Zoe.

And I want to share with you about where God has led me through the understanding of this topic. I am not entirely sure where to start and I'm not sure how vague to be here but let's just say that at least the draft will be an explicit and partly chronological one.

12 year old Zoe I went to church most Sundays with her family and she was very very lucky to have a wonderful Christian friends in her life and at this point the label attached to her as a daughter was the unproblematic child and at school she was the sweet and friendly member of the God Squad or Singing Christians depending on how you asked. But those were the kind of labels that existed around that time.

What happens though to 12 year old Zoe is that she falls madly and instantaneously in love with her best friend. And almost immediately she thinks ‘am I in love with this girl? that must make me gay.’ And being a part of the circles that I was in a fairly conservative Christian family and a fairly conservative Christian School with Christian friends in that Christian school, I said ‘absolutely not. I don't want to have to deal with that.’ I was never hateful towards gay people in general I just thought I just didn't want to deal with it myself. My mum and I had had conversations about it when the plebiscite happened, and whenever we spoke about it, it was very much about ‘the gay people’ as opposed to anyone we knew or loved, let alone a Christian person, and so this whole gay thing wasn’t really thought about. Ao a few times over the next 2 or 3 years so I would ask, ‘am I in love with this girl’ And I always concluded ‘no no no you can't be in love cos you're not gay’.

By the time I’m about 14, I’ve been awoken to all different kinds of social justice movements, I took sociology, I’m going to save the world. THe labels I proudly wear are things like left wing, passionate, an ally to many different communities, in particular the lgbtq+ community.

Zoe at one point goes ‘frick frack, I'm definitely in love with this girl’. and because of the way that this world really loves labels, this was completely synonymous in my mind with being gay. My first response was probably because I'm bisexual so now that is an importand confusing label Zoë is wearing. I have somewhat fond somewhat mortifying memories of sitting on the Shinkansen, the bullet train, from Tokyo to Kyoto next to my dad doing every single ‘Am I gay’ quiz I could find online. Throughout this trip to Japan, I’m really testing the waters and every single younger woman I saw I was like ‘Is she cute? Am I attracted to her? Would I kiss her?’ and so that experience made me very nervous because I had still grown up with the mindset that if people were gay it was ok but they weren't Christian. And I was a Christian, so I just ignored it really. And this turned into a time of me hypersexualising sll of the boys that I had ever thought I had a crush on. I can quite confidently say that I didn't actually have a crush on many of them, I just thought that that was something that I should do. So there was a lot of ignoring this feeling.

We then reach year 10, 2020, a glorious year. In the first Lockdown, I finally caved and downloaded Tik Tok. The thing about Tik Tok is that it comes with its own world of labels, and I really would enjoy the kinds of conversations about what side of Tik Tok you are on. I loved that your For You Page automatically gave you certain labels to wear as a Tik Tok user, and I loved that those applied to real life. I quite quickly ended up on gay Tik Tok, among other things. I was also very firmly on Black Lives Matter Tik Tok, on disablrf Tik Tok, on Indigenous Tik Tok, so on and so forth. But much of my content was about the lgbtq community and this opened a ahole can of worms. I, at this time, carried a lot of shame for my attraction to women. For a bit of a backstory, I had been so severely heartbroken by this girl - not by her own intentional actions, I think that she was never going to feel about me the way that I felt about her and that was not her fault - but I was so seriously heartbroken that not only did I hold this moral shame but also this like emotional shame of my attraction to women. I felt like it was not a good thing morally and it didn't feel good emotionally because I had to still been really hurt about this girl and I have never really gotten over that. So for the first time on gay Tik Tok, I saw queerness and same-sex attraction as a positive thing not only in terms of ‘hey look these are women loving woman relationships that are working well’ but also ‘whether or not you're dating someone, queer identity is good for you and it's fun to talk about’. And as a type 4 on the enneagram, I love to feel special - not to say that I fabricated these feelings or that any queer person is queer for attention - but I think a big part of me felt validated or special because of my feelings and my queeness. It was like a new club that I could join. And so the labels that 15 year old Zoe wears largely consisted of queer. We had it dropped bisexual a little bit because at this point I was not sure if I like men at all and so we identified as queer or sapphic or bi or lesbian or gay - many of these words along with the left wing, Pro Black-lives-matter, pro-feminism, pro-lgbtq+, anti-colonialist anti-capitalist etc. etc. And I don't want to demonize any of those things - they are not at all negative things, I'm just painting a picture of the different labels that I wore.

Through out starting to come out to my friends and existing for longer periods of time not only on gay Tik Tok but now really searching all through the Internet for more LGBTQ+ identity - as I tried to confirm my traction for women, as I tried to decide about my attraction to men, about what label I should wear, and what it's like being in the LGBTQ+ community different, spaces where we interact, different identities and labels and experiences of queerness. So I really tied myself to this identity and it is I think so much because of the way the world sees labels as I said and so my first response was ‘well if I like girls I must be gay and if I'm gay I must identify that way and that has to be the most important thing about me’ because all the people I was seeing online really loved being gay. They were proud of their identity in their queeness. In the world as much as I think that we like to think we’ve got this ‘your sexuality or your gender identity doesn't matter. Gay and straight and bi and pan and whoever you are, we’re all human’, I think it often the world does like to draw those lines on both sides. Within queer communities there was - obviously ironically and satirically - this heterophobia honestly. (I'm joking!) But there was a real pride in this identity of whichever specific label you wear as well as the wider lgbtq plus label which led me to believe my sexuality was who I was. And that proved really quite awkward because I knew that my church and my family and many of my Christian friends believed that same sex marriage and romance was sinful. Because of the strong connection between my identity and my sexuality, if my sexuality was sinful, that meant that I was inherently and completely sinful and I didn't like that. It wasn't a fun feeling. After all of the years of learning about God’s gift of grace to us, kind of I lost in the crevices of my mind and whenever I thought about God I was met with feelings of shame and fear and dread and resentment sometimes even anger and I grew to be so despairing.

Eventually I tried the various progressive Christianity movements that teach that ‘God doesn't actually say the being gay is a sin, the Bible is pro queerness and don't even worry about it, God made you exactly the way that you are and he loves you the way that you are, go forth and have that lesbian relationship that you so desperately want’. But that never really sat right with me. It brought up other questions of ‘well if the current translation of the Bible says things like marriage is between a man and a woman, God made man and woman, any sex outside of marriage is sinful, or even the parts that say that ‘homosexuality is sinful, or man lying with man in certain translations, is sinful what happened to that part of the Bible?’ And of course I heard the response about how at the Bible was written by man and not by God and that it is fragile and can be manipulated and basically King James ruined the whole Bible when he wrote that translation and you don't have to listen to it. But that really didn't work for me. If that part of the Bible had been mistranslated how could I know that the rest of the Bible hadn't been mistranslated? If words like homosexuality weren't in the original text and they had been added there or mistranslated how could I understand the words like grace and love and hope and patience and kindness and peace and righteousness and holiness and justice? What if they were mistranslated? What if the whole Gospel was not how it was written in the Bible because the Bible was man-made? Pretty immediatelyI decided I couldn’t really understand a Christianity where homosexuality is not a sin because Christianity is written in the Bible and the Bible says that quite clearly. I believe that the Bible is directly the Word of God, that it is perfect, that the way that it is translated - obviously different translations vary - but that it is right from God’s mouth so imediately was like I can't believe in it Christianity where homosexuality is not a sin and so I've got to pick Christian or Gay.

And I didn’t want to choose Christian because I had this point has grown quite fond of being gay and I mean, I was truly just attracted to women, right, like I wanted a girlfriend and so I tried really hard to ignore God. I was still going to church, twice or three times a week and all that, and I could not shake the existence of God. I knew God existed. I knew that He created the world, that He was good and that they was the thing called sin that separated us from him. I knew that sin led to death. I knew that He had sent His Son to bridge the gap between himself and sinners. I knew that Son was Jesus and that He died on the cross and he rose again and I knew that if you believed in him you would spend eternity with God which was a really good thing. I could not shake those feelings, all those beliefs, and I absolutely praise God for that. I'm so beyond grateful that God did not leave me, even when I hated him and resented him and felt so much anger towards him. Praise Jesus!

All this left me thinking, well some people could go to heaven, but God hates me because of my feelings. He does not want me part of His kingdom if I'm gay. I can't ever go to heaven because I'm a sinner, and sinners don’t go to heaven. I truly don't know where all my years of learning about the grace of God had gone. This led me to a really distressed position, probably one of the lowest ever my mental health had been. I was just not coping and I ended up being kind of forced to tell my mum. I don't really want to say too much on this part of the story but by the middle-ish end of year 10 I ended up coming out to my mum and she told my dad, ‘cause I refused to do it myself, and then I got a therapist. Finally, now that my mum knew, I could ask her what I had so desperately wante to ask her - if she could please buy me some books about being gay and Christian. And so she did. And I slowly but surely started to read them, I started to read my Bible more and I started to really search for what it meant to have faith trust in God’s grace and not in your own work, not in your own actions or thoughts or words. The first book I got in particular was really hard to read it was based more on specific Theology and not on personal experience and I needed that foundation in what God really said because I had just had conversations with my mum and she had reminded me ‘God is real and he loves you and he sent his son to die for you and that is an option for you as much as it is for anyone else, your queerness does not separate you from Christ's death and resurrection’. There is a wonderful bible verse that became very important to me at this time. Romans 8, the very end of the chapter, says ‘for I'm convinced that neither death not life neither Angels not Demons need of a present or the future and or any Powers neither height nor depth nor anything else in All Creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our lord.’ So with this in mind, I decided that I could trust God and now I just needed to learn how. so I worked away through different books, through different parts of the Bible, praying really hard, searching online and asking really hard questions to some really awesome Christian women in my life, and asking God to reveal to me exactly what he thought about me and about queerness and so eventually we get to the present moment. I by no means know everything that I wish I knew, but now I can say that I wholly trust God with my next life - I trust that he has the power and the strength and the holiness to overcome even my sin which sometimes feels like the biggest there is. and I trust him with this life - that life with him is so much better than any lesbian affair I could ever experience.

I want to personally apologize to any one who the church or the world has ever made believe that they are somehow exempt from God’s love because of who they are or what they've done or how they’ve felt. That is false. There is no one that does not sin, no one that is not inherently separated from God. And there is no one who is too far from Jesus' power to be saved from that sin. God is bigger than your sin, I promise you.

I want to take this time to mourn for the lives lost and the joy and peace forfeited because of the way people who claim to know God treat queer people. I'm sorry if you have been made to feel less than because of the church. In the process of overcoming of guilt and shame that I have felt over the year, one more verse that I found really important. 1 John 1 says that ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.’

So for me, I don't identify with my sexuality. I don't want to say that I'm straight now, that's not really true. but my sexuality is not what makes me who I am. I am a person fearfully and wonderfully made by God and I am a daughter of God in Christ. I am not ashamed of my feelings. I do think that it is worth mentioning that an attraction or a desire or an impulse is not the same as a sin. The Bible tells us that Jesus himself was tempted in every way and the Bible also tells us that Jesus is blameless and never sinned. And so I think it's worth the clarification that same-sex attraction or anything like that is not sinful itself and also that being gay is never worse than anyone else's sin, and it is never ever bigger than God.

I just want you all to know that there is nothing that you have done that makes you exempt from God’s love for you, to know that he is trustworthy, that the Bible is trustworthy, and I encourage you that your value is inherent as a person made in God’s image and that with Jesus, you can have identity in his son alone. When he sees you, he sees the goodness and perfection of Jesus if you believe in him.

[kindred-is-obsessed]

Reasons you should be watching Craig of the Creek

Not enough people are watching this wonderful show, so I thought I’d do my best to introduce people to it. It’s made by former Steven Universe crew Ben Levin and Matt Burnett, so if you’re missing Steven Universe while it’s on hiatus this is a great way to keep away the hiatus blues, or if you just enjoy in cartoons. It’s great for a whole list of reasons, which broadly fall into the two categories of great representation and great storytelling:

Canonical queer representation

-       The witches premiere in the episode The Curse. If you aren’t sure if you want to watch this whole show definitely watch this one at least! It’s my absolute favourite not least of all because it’s about teen goth girls in love. It has a sequel The Last Kid in The Creek which is also wonderful, and the witches cameo throughout the series. I don’t want to spoil too much but The Curse is essentially about the two not wanting to be separated and struggling to admit their feelings for each other. (Spoilers: they do and walk off alone, blushing, staring at each other lovingly, while the kids aww at them)

-       Bernard and his girlfriend watch a cooking show hosted by a gay couple.

-       Other cameos, hints and coded queer kids such as JP’s sister (who has fancy dinner reservations with Kat, a woman with a shaved head who compliments Kelsey’s fake sword). There’s also Raj and Shaun (two very close friends), as well as several very boyish tomboys, including Handlebarb and Turner.

-       All public bathrooms I’ve spotted in the show have gender neutral signs on them which is nice.

POC representation

-       Craig, the main character, is black and has a loving family explored in depth, including an activist grandmother working for the council, a wise and fun grandfather, a supportive fun dad who loves his amazing wife, an adorable assertive little sister, and an angsty overachieving older brother who just wants to be a good grownup who loves his family and girlfriend.  

-       There are MANY characters of colour. There are black and brown characters, Raj is Indian, Stacks is Hispanic (and it’s implied she is an immigrant), there are several Asian characters, Kelsey is Hungarian and Jewish, a persistent background character wears a hijab (I’m pretty sure she was named at some point but I can’t find her name anywhere. She definitely has lines at one point). I’m sure there are others I have missed. No one is a stereotype as far as I am aware.

Subtle neurodivergent representation

-       JP is possibly on the autism spectrum. I’d love neurodivergent people’s opinions on this, but while the representation isn’t canonical or obvious I think it’s good that while JP is represented as having different thought processes from his friends, he isn’t made fun of for it, at least not by them. It’s noteworthy I think that he’s the eldest of the core trio, probably because he finds it easier to relate to younger people who still share his imagination and care less about his unique way of thinking. His neurodivergence is explored most explicitly in the episode Jextra Perrestrial, so if you’re interested in this kind of representation definitely check that episode out.

Non-nuclear family representation

-       While the main character is a member of the typical nuclear family you see on TV (except black, and actually interesting) most of the other families we see are not.

-       JP is raised by his mother and older sister. His father is never mentioned and their house is definitely in worse condition than the others we see. His family works hard to take care of each other. His sister is a nurse and both her and her mother are away a lot of the time, but they both love JP very much. JP’s sister also happens to be really openly body positive. I love them a lot.

-       Kelsey’s father is an only parent. There’s still a lot of mystery surrounding how Kelsey’s mother passed away. It’s a very subtle but important part of Kelsey’s character and comes through in really bittersweet adorable ways (not limited to Kelsey using her “half-orphan”ness to guilt trip a man into giving her money)

-       Other kinds of families are scattered throughout the show, including families that move around a lot, a home-school kid with a strict mother, and more.

Unique approach to fantasy and sci-fi

-       You know how most kids show will take a kid’s fantasy and bring it to reality? Well Craig of the Creek keeps the fantastical and nostalgic element of that line of thinking but never confirms or denies whether the kids fantasies are real or in their heads. And not in a Scooby Doo way where the fantastical elements are explained away, but are hinted as a possibility right at the very end. Instead, two perspectives (the fantastical perspective and the realistic perspective) are woven into every episode.

-       This means there are two ways to interpret every episode. You can view the witches as real witches, or as goth teenagers. You can view Helen as a kid from another dimension, or a home-school kid who is never at the creek at the same time as the other kids. You can view Deltron as a cyborg from the future, or as an imaginative kid from a big city.

-       This is super unique and fun to watch. They come up with so many new ideas and its always fun to figure out what’s actually happening, while still getting to relive childhood fantastical nostalgia.

-       Almost all of these episodes use this to talk about an issue, but these issues can get quite complex and are definitely not shoved down your throat.

Overarching mystery plot about a colonialist kingdom / cult

-       Love the slow burn storytelling of Steven Universe’s Diamond Authority? Love putting together the mysteries of Gravity Falls? Then you’ll love this plot about colonialism, classism, bullying, peer pressure and more and its mysterious build up including cryptic graffiti art and flower symbolism.

-       Even before this arc properly begins, Craig of The Creek primarily centers around the microcosm of the Creek. Many of the episodes have a lot of commentary on society, politics and how different factions of people form and interact.

-       The show is over 50 episodes in and this arc is only just starting to kick off so now is the time to catch up and watch.

-       Fun complex villain(s)

Complex relatable characters

-       Want commentary and nostalgia about horse girls, children’s tea parties, weird kids, angsty teens, young weebs, dweebs and more!? Every childhood obsession is represented in this show.

-       Adults! All the parents and older teens in this show are just as rich and complex as the kids. They are all so interesting and fun.  

-       Want characters with arcs, aims, fun relationships and complexity!? Look no further! Redemption arcs! Revelations! Found family! It’s all here!

Great art and soundtrack

-       Cute background and character designs that make you nostalgic as hell and are also beautiful and well thought out.

-       Sometimes the art design is changed up for a particular episode to portray a certain fantastical / sci fi element. It’s very fun and engaging. 

-       An opening song that’s fun to sing along to, bittersweet ending song that makes me want to cry, a couple of musical episodes including a super fun rap musical episode, and a great OST

Queer headcanons

-       There are tons of ways to interpret the show but here’s some of my head canons just to get an idea.

-       (Note that despite my headcanons I use the pronouns for the kids that they use in the show cause I’m not certain about any of it and they’re kids who haven’t come out yet and also for clarity and consistency’s sake – I’m not saying trans people are not their genders. Don’t worry I’m nonbinary)

-       I headcanon that all the main trio grow up to realise they are queer. They strike me as that weird group of friends that doesn’t fit in with the other kids and aren’t quite sure how they all came to be friends, only to later realise they all showed early signs of breaking gender roles and that’s why they stuck together.

-       Craig definitely grows up to realise he’s gay, bisexual or queer. His admiration for characters like Deltron and Green Poncho are definitely crushes that he mistakes for a strong sudden and eager desire for friendship.

-       Kelsey probably grows up to realise she is nonbinary, a trans boy or a WLW. I mostly headcanon this because I relate to her a lot and I’m nonbinary and queer so I said so. She reminds me a lot of myself as a kid. She throws herself into books, mostly fantasy for escapism. She fantasises and writes a lot for the same reasons. She dresses like a tomboy (She always wears her hair up in the same bun which strongly reminds me of my own childhood hair dysphoria) and she hangs out solely with male friends.

-       JP gives me strong trans lesbian vibes, or to a lesser extent nonbinary vibes. (I know his sister is WLW coded but take it from me there can be more than one queer in a family). He is interested in girls, specifically Maney the horse girl (he even joined the horse girls for one episode). He wears a long V-neck shirt that is essentially a dress ALL the time. He’s aware that he’s different and while self conscious sometimes, mostly just wants to express himself the way he wants to. He also chooses to go by initials JP over his very gendered name Johnathan Paul (In a recent episode he names a ship after himself, calling it “The SS Johnathon Paulina”).

-       (Sidenote if you do start watching this show and I see any nasty shipping of these characters in non puppy-love fashion so help me god)

 Other reasons

-       The show is at times very intertextual and references Princess Mononoke, Super Smash Brothers, Sailor Moon, Lord of the Rings, and a billion other things. It also has some fun cameos, including background images of the Tres Horny Boys from The Adventure Zone, a TARDIS from Doctor Who, and a Cookie Cat from Steven Universe.

-       Honestly, this post hasn’t done the best job explaining why I love this show so much. You honestly just have to watch an episode to understand fully what I’m talking about, so give it a go! Watch The Curse at least, it only goes for 10 minutes.

#craig of the creek #gravity falls #steven universe #ok ko #cartoons #reccommended #recommendations #recommendation #hiatus #cartoon network #star vs the forces of evil #svtfoe #su #cotc #representation #show #watch #adventure time #bravest warriors #analysis #headcanon #shera #spop #we bare bears #clarence #avatar #atla #tlok #disney #the amazing world of gumball

[indigaux]

About My Hiatus

First off, I’d like to apologize to my followers for my absence. Many of you looked to my blog for guidance and encouragement, and by leaving without a word, I was letting you all down. I hope my next moves are enough to inspire you down a path of forgiveness.

Where I went

I created this blog in 2015 or ‘16 to express a part of myself that had been suppressed all my live: my inner witch. I used Afros&Athames to journalize my journey into the path of a witch, as well as other online platforms like Instagram and YouTube. Growing up, I had witchy friends to gently explore the path with and I stayed in touch with them even when I lived two hundred miles away in Boston (I’m from Connecticut). 

One day, I was on Youtube watching Black witch  vlogs and I came across a witch who said he was from Bridgeport, not far from where I grew up and actually the hometown of my mother’s side of the family. I reached out to him and before either of us knew it, we had formed a coven: The Conjurers of Elm. I moved back to Connecticut and hit the ground running with this new coven made up of myself, Bridgeport witch, his childhood friend, and my childhood friend. As our bond as a coven deepened, as did each of our connections to magic. The coven grew and we became all friends... until we weren’t. 

I guess the first mistake was dating within the coven. Me and another member became a couple, it was messy and gross, and eventually we part ways. By the time we broke up, the coven was already have sustainability issues. We weren’t as active or engaged. We were dwindling. Our break up definitely complicated things and made the environment of the coven less welcoming. Oops. 

Then, of course, two of the coven members -- my childhood friend and Bridgeport witch -- moved in together and things didn’t go well. Each of our personal relationships in the coven suffered some sort of challenge or trial that the coven just couldn’t withstand. 

In the end, we all became distant with one another and the coven is no more.

Why I strayed

Not long after my break up, I started a new relationship.

Did I mention I’m queer? Let’s rewind!

Hi, my name is Nyxia. I am pansexual and demisexual. I am also non-binary; agender to be specific. I use they/them pronouns.

I realized I wasn’t straight in spring of 2016, but I wasn’t able to explore my sexuality or gender identity until 2018. I was in a relationship with a man when I came to terms with my queerness. When I came out to him, he was dismissive. Weeks later, he became fussy and jealous. He’d ask me when and why I decided to be attracted to women. When I expressed interest in shaving my hair (exploring my gender-queer identity), he threatened to never look at me again. I dumped him. 

Months later, I started my relationship with Bridgeport witch’s friend, aka Coven Mate. He was more accepting of my queer identity. Even the gender-queer part, which I hadn’t yet fully blossomed into. But he was hella jealous and toxic. When I told him about my desire to finally explore my sexuality, we agreed that we would try polyamory. I would pursue relationships with women and non-binary people, he would not. This was communicated and confirmed as mutual agreement between the two of us. Yet, every time I tried to act upon our agreement, he would get very agitated. I couldn’t flirt with people or even mention other people without him being triggered. It was frustrating for me to spend my time putting the puzzle pieces of his emotions and desires together instead of spending time with myself to understand the nature of my queer identity. I dumped him, too.

Months later.... I started a new relationship! Pray for me, brujxs...

This time, I was dating a non-binary person and honestly, it was my best relationship to date. I was in love. I was loved. I was cared for, and honestly I was spoiled rotten! But I deserved ever morsel of unfiltered sweetness that was given to me by this person. 

But there is always a dark side of the moon.

The person I was dating... let’s call them Anxious Muslimx. Anxious Muslimx grew up in a strict, traditional Muslim family. Their family wasn’t too happy about our relationship, so that was always a struggle. Nonetheless, I learned many beautiful aspects of Islam from Anxious Muslimx. The religion is full of magic beyond anything I would have assumed. For those of you with cultural roots in Islam, I encourage you to explore the mysticism of some of its traditions if you haven’t already.

That doesn't mean that all who follow Islam are welcoming of witchcraft. 

I was constantly challenged whenever I expressed my witchy side around Anxious Muslimx. Although they were adept to soft and simple holistic pleasures like crystal charm, herbal remedies, enchanting affirmations, and acknowledgement of higher being(s), Anxious Muslimx would question to energy around any unpopular pagan practice of mine. Candle magic, chanting, moon magic, channeling, scrying, and rootwork were all more or less frowned upon. Whenever I did do something witchy, I could feel their judgement and eventually I became discouraged from the craft. I practiced less and less until I didn’t practice at all. 

Anxious Muslimx was an empath, for sure. No doubt. But often times, they would claim that my energy or the energy I was working with was beneath their standards. Bad energy. Anxious Muslimx was... anxious. Based on the things they told me, I understand that much of their spiritual anxiety comes from fear mongering in their strict Muslim household. I never blamed them for their fear, but I realized that I was suppressing myself, neglecting my relationship with the Orisha and my ancestors to make accomadations for their anxiety. 

We broke up. Not over this in particular... I’m not even 100% sure why Anxious Muslimx ended our relationship, but I am 100% content because now I have more room to explore myself and be myself. We both have growing to do </3 

What I’m up to and why I’m back

Well, I’m here on Tumblr again for starters, haha! 

These days I’m:

-delving deep into Hoodoo

-learning Spanish

-awaiting my DNA Results from Ancestry

-working as a full time community organizer and artist, part-time model

-spending time with myself and loving it! (no more relationships for a long time!)

As I’m following the trails of my roots as a witch and as a Black person, I’m unraveling so much. I’m asking and answering questions like:

- what does it mean to be a Black, queer witch?

- how I translate the Christian influences Hoodoo into language and practices that are LGBTQ-inclusive?

- what does Rootwork look like when it’s practiced in the Northeast?

- how will my spirituality grow and how will my understanding of magic shift once I learn what region my ancestors are from?

- when will I connect with other Black and Latinx witches for conjure meet-ups?

These are all the things I will be blogging from here on out. So, you can expect to see more posts from me. Maybe less aesthetic posts and more wordsy things like this. I hope you’re down to stick around!

I’ve got some new spells to share with you all <3 Much love. Much gratitude!

#black witch #African american witch #hoodoo witch #brujx #sorry letter #I'm back #hiatus letter #hiatus #afro witch #conjure #rootwork #storytime

[still-ambling-along]

So it's like 4 am and I don't know why but I am awake and my brain is for some ungodly reason decided that it has to /right now/ process the complete clusterfuck that was my Holy Trinity Church experience.

I'm trying to think of why during my mid to late teens I wholeheartedly craved the feeling of acceptance and love of my God and Church community, and how I basically received the complete opposite. And I put up with it. I accepted it. It was just how it was and I'd normalized it in my brain, thought what they did was a rational, understandable response to me and my queerness.

High school me had no support system. I was alone, didn't know any queer people (I did but at that point of time didn't know they were queer) and didn't know how to find any queer people. A lot of the knowledge I had about anything LGBTQIA+ was from library books and the media. Which obviously gave me a skewed and limited view of the LGBTQIA+ community. Our family didn't have broadband until midway through my last year at high school and I sure as hell wasn't going to look up what being gay meant on the school's library computers.

Overall, I did enjoy my high school experience. I liked the classes, I loved my friends and had so many crushes, holy shit I'm so gay. But back then I was constantly hiding, trying to blend in, scared that I'd be ostracized for being me. And it was exhausting. I've had depression since I was 16 and it was definitely maintained back then through my confusion, loneliness and shame of being queer along with people's responses to my queerness.

I had two Youth Leaders during my time at high school. I came out to both of them during high school. I came out to my parents at the end of my first year at university. My first youth leader was actually the first person I came out to. I was in year 11 and terrified. I'd barely accepted myself but I'd needed to tell someone, maybe if I told someone it might get better and make everything in my head less jumbled.

She told me I was going to hell.

A large part of me expected that response because of course gay people go to hell, why should I be any different? That moment, that single response to my true self, shaped my mentality for the next two years. I'd grown up in the church. I didn't want to go to hell. I wanted to be good. I wanted to be better than my queerness. And so I gave myself more to the church. I participated more during youth group. I helped with communion and morning tea. I cooked food, helped with Sunday School and genuinely tried to be a better person in the eyes of the church. If they could see that I was a good person, then maybe they could overlook my queerness. Would still accept me despite my queerness.

My relationship with God was similar. The idea that there was someone who loved all of me was nearly addictive. The church was my community but God. He was my Father. His unwavering love was worth everything. He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. He created everything and everything he created was meant to be. Nothing he created was a mistake so maybe I wasn't a mistake.

I'm still not sure if I ever truly loved God or was instead infatuated with the idea of him. He seemed to be so present and in tune with the people of the church and so if i sang, gave praise and asked him to forgive me of the sin of my queerness, that was also how to have him become a presence in my life. I desperately wanted support and love and peace of mind and there were some moments when a connection with God did give me that.

I came out to my second Youth Leader in year 12. She was supportive and caring and wanted what was best for me. It took me about a year after I left the church to realize she was actually worse than my first youth leader. She was very involved with the church its community. I thought she was wonderful. I thought she was accepting. She organized and headed a partition against marriage equality, encouraging people of the church to write letters to the appropriate members of government. She consoled people when the marriage equality motion was passed. I forgave her the week afterwards.

I think it was always expected of me to become a Youth Leader or one of the Sunday School teachers. I was the obvious choice. I never did. Part of me always knew they wouldn't accept me once I came out and so I never gave any interest in anything that resembled a leadership position. If I could avoid that backlash, that scandal then by god I was not going to put myself in that situation. This was fueled by a conversation I heard between my mum and a good friend of hers. Paraphrasing, the friend's comment, it went something like "I don't think homosexuality is wrong, it's their life. But I don't think they should be teachers. That is too much responsibility over the education and influence of children. It's just not right".

Again, I thought that was a reasonable opinion and so I never did teach children at church.

I came out to everyone in September of my first year at university. I'd told my closet friends throughout that year, I'd come out to Ivy at some point of time in high school, coming out to my parents was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done and I used social media to come out to everyone else. Sometime later on, Mum told me that the Sunday after I came out, everyone at church seemed concerned for her, asking if she was okay and if she wanted to talk she could always talk to them. People were more cold with me, didn't look as happy to talk to me or frankly ignored me. Suddenly I wasn't the same kid who they had known since I was 5.

The final nail in the coffin was Easter Camp in my second year of university. By then I'd caught on that all of the above was not okay and I needed to Get Out. The camp itself was very meditative and helped put things in perspective. Things that were Not Okay included: -Having to have my own tent because obviously I couldn't be trusted to sleep in the same space of any gender -Having the confirmation that I should not be entrusted into any leadership position -Being told that they'll pray for me, because obviously if they pray enough, I'll not be gay anymore -The camp leaders having conversations through bible verses, obviously talking about me but trying to be stealthy about it

All of those decisions and situations involved my youth leader.

In the end, the way I stopped and put myself in a healthier situation was with me leaving the church. It's probably the best decision I've ever made.