How have we forgotten that Crosshair almost killed Hunter while freed from the chip’s influence?
“Hunter never wanted to go back for Crosshair, the audacityyy!”
Who in their right mind would want to go back for a sibling who tried to stab them to death. Honestly. In what real world scenario would that actually happen.
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Semi-BAD BATCH SPOILERS
~
It’s so funny to me, in the last three episodes, the bad batch really said: “you wanna f*ck around? Okay now you’re gonna find out.”
And the empire is, in fact, finding out.
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Bad Batch -- Actually Probably Not Spoilers?
But Just In Case:
Like, for plot reasons, I see why they couldn't do it. But my biggest (and possibly the funniest) peeve I have with Bad Batch is this:
Canonically, Tech is some kind of master hacker. Can forge chain codes after learning about them five seconds ago. Hacks battle droids -- presumably, you know, SECURED in some way -- on the regular. Masked a ship's signature or whatever. Calculates percentages of plans' successes on the fly while hanging upside down from a screechy flying reptile. Has zero fear (except when Omega is driving the Marauder or someone is doing the Wikipedia entry who isn't him) ("it's not affecting life support. We're fine"; riot racing; everything he's ever done). The moral heart of the Batch pre-Omega ("the systematic termination of the Jedi was a big one for me"; "I understand. I do not agree with you"; "of course we are a family"; "we have not always seen eye to eye with Crosshair but he is our brother and we do not leave our own behind"; but has no issue being pragmatic when it's called for (see: Cid, riot racing again, missions for Rex, interruptions thereof, etc.). Seriously. Wack job of a man. Crazy. Strict moral code arranged almost solely around his family that absolutely nobody sees coming and that, specifically, does NOT preclude massive destruction, property damage, and lethal measures. Ridiculous man. Homeschooled. Genetic Mandalorian. COMPETENT. (Usually.) Bona fide, literal, genetically-engineered test tube genius who is also biologically nine years old. Has no concept whatsoever of overkill.
Point being -- he is EXACTLY the kind of person I would expect, once it sunk in that:
1. They are no longer Kaminoan/Republic property
2. They are, in fact, on the run with fam + new baby and - cranky but nonetheless beloved sniper bro who picked a terrible time to be stupid
And 3. that "money" is now a thing they must Account For....
Give him two days to study finances, economy, and the various mafia; send him on a weekend trip to Nal Hutta to observe gangs, and hey presto -- the Hutts? overthrown in a year. Black Sun? Under new management. Pykes? A thing of the past. The Senate? Convening emergency sessions to discuss Where All the Money Has Gone. Palpatine's Secret Slush Fund #43? Drained. Hemlock's Science Budget? Currently funding the clone rebellion. ISB 401ks? Being used to pay someone to "retrieve" (read: kidnap) Crosshair from Rampart. Cad Bane's baby-stealing revenue? Currently outfitting the Marauder with gold plating.
My point:
WHY ISN'T TECH HACKING STAR WARS ATMs
Story would have been over six episodes in. Tech would have foreclosed on the Palace; the Death Star would have fallen prey to insurance fraud; Omega would have grown up with more gowns than Padme. The Banking Clan bows to their new and, uh, eccentric overlords. Wrecker has thirteen new Z-6 cannons. Echo has thirteen natborn employees and is thoroughly enjoying himself. Hunter took an actual shower (still didn't get a new bandana). The Empire is turning over the empty coffers and shaking them out, wondering if they have rats. Mas Amedda is standing on street corners with an upturned hat. Crosshair is happily occupied with suing the Kaminoans for emotional damages.
The end
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Me: Yes, I would like to report a missing child.
Dave Filoni: Why are you calling me?
Me: IT’S BEEN 8 EPISODES, FILONI. WHERE IS HE?
Filoni: W-Who?
Me: CROSS. HAIR.
***No, seriously though, where is he???***
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FOR EVERY ASSHOLE COMPLAINING AND MAKING FUN ABOUT TECH’S HAIRLINE I WILL DRAW A PIC OF HIM LOOKING CUTE AND COMFY WITH A PERFECTLY FINE HAIRLINE THAT OH I DONT KNOW MOST Y CHROMOSOME INDIVIDUALS WILL GET IN THEIR LIFETIMES.
Source: Had a long day, drank too much bourbon, found people making fun of receding hairlines and Tech and I see RED.
I also see plenty of children who never thirsted after Christopher Meloni on Law and Order and y’all tasteless and make me the sad. He so FINE.
Also my wonderful hot engineer Eagle Scout husband is a Texan version of Tech and has his hairline. I will defend my man’s like it’s Helm’s Deep up in herrrrre. He my boo. And is probably deeply horrified that Doug the redneck neighbor is quickly becoming so popular on Tumblr and his PhD holding director wife is going on like this.
Whatever. I pay my bills and I do the LORDS WORK.
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Ok, I don't think there will be a big time jump before they get crosshair back BUT hear me out:
Imagine if Tech had a kid with Phee before Crosshair returns. Like the fact that Tech pulled a / this woman will blow Cross' mind but if they had a kid?! The poor man would short circuit.
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Hm. Don't like the new round of theorizing about Crosshair being brainwashed again into being the first death trooper because logistically yeah that could be the Empire's plan now that they have him in custody but narratively WHY would you do an episode like the Outpost where he finally comes to his revelation and understanding just to immediately and permanently undo it and turn him back into a mindlessly obedient killing machine? Like that is the ONLY way they could fumble this particular narrative ball. Literally anything else would be more satisfying.
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Oh damn they really called Echo Havoc-4 instead of 5
Justice for Crosshair
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