#doing healthier things than what my impulsiveness would like

[juliettedunn]

Luz’s Softness in Thanks to Them

We all knew Luz was going to have an angst arc in Thanks to Them. Her angst had been building long before then, and King’s Tide was the final straw.

Angst is popular in characters like Amity and Hunter, who act cold and mean as a result of deep pain on the inside. If they cry, it’s in secret, hidden away from anyone who might see through their confident persona. The “bad but sad boy” / “I act like I don’t care but I secretly do” type, to quote Luz.

That’s not what Luz does. Luz cries multiple times in  front of others in Thanks to Them, and even has an emotional outburst in front of her teacher in classmates.

It’s the classroom scene that has a lot of people saying Luz is being “cringey,” and that they have to cover their eyes from “second-hand embarrassment.” I’ve seen post after post mocking that scene, saying Luz needs to “sit down and shut up” and that she has a “y/n complex.”

Whether a vulnerable person gets sympathy or ridicule from others is based on mysterious standards of what are acceptable and unacceptable ways to act when we are at our worst. And what is acceptable for some isn’t acceptable for others (white favoritism, especially in the fandom’s response to Hunter’s over-the-top emotional displays vs Luz). 

Luz’s outburst in the classroom was highly impulsive and not something many would do, but Luz doesn’t know how to ask for help, not when she feels too guilty to confide in her friends and family.

Luz is at best passively suicidal in TTT. It’s actually one of the first times she DOESN’T see herself as the main character, she sees herself as the selfish villain, the “evil Lucy” rather than the good witch Azura. Her self esteem is at an all time low, to where she doesn’t think she truly deserves love.

It’d be so easy to lock herself away, bottle those feelings inside and turn cold. Many thought this was the direction her character was headed in. And Luz does indeed isolate and keep her inner feelings secret.

But she remains soft and tender-hearted, constantly cheering on her friends and supporting Hunter through his hardships even when she herself is at her worst. She even lets her silliness peek through, calling a possum a “little angel.”

Despite her low self esteem, she very clearly WANTS someone to help her and intervene. She wouldn’t have had the classroom outburst if she didn’t think there was some worth in making her feelings clear, some hope that someone might respond to her and perhaps tell her something different. Which makes it even more heartbreaking when the class gives her a weirded out look and then ignores her.

If someone behaves this way in real life, it should be taken as a serious warning sign, not as a “Oh my god that’s so cringe” moment. 

You can see multiple times in the episode Luz fighting her depression, like when she goes to cuddle with Camila. When she asks Camila to let her stay in her bed, it struck me how amazing she really is for being able to do that.

Luz feels she doesn’t deserve to live, yet she still desperately wants to. She wants to hold on so much that she manages to seek comfort, despite her guilt telling her she shouldn’t be receiving it.

When I was her age and in her mental state, I didn’t have the ability to do something like that. Seeking help when you’re in that kind of state is one of the hardest things to do, and Luz does it multiple times.

For people to call her a cringey embarrassment for having an outburst is in very poor taste, and a bad sign for how we view signs of mental illness in real life.

Not everyone who angsts will be like Hunter and Amity, becoming aggressive and/or cold towards others. Not everyone can hide behind thick skin. Some become softer and more sensitive, cry more easily. The latter is in fact the healthier and often more difficult option. 

Some expected a cold, withdrawn cynic, hiding away her emotions. Instead we got a messy, tender-hearted girl desperately seeking help in impulsive outbursts.

The fandom is finally starting to focus on her angst and trauma, but let’s not forget the strength that lies in her unfaltering softness as well.

Luz is a loving, kind, strong, beautiful disaster, and she deserves better from this fandom.

#luz noceda #the owl house season 3 #toh #thanks to them #the owl house #julietteanalyzes

[cafeinthemoon]

Unexpected Changes - Part II

Chapter 2/2

Wordcount 3,1k

Title Part II

Fandom Shuumatsu no Valkyrie / Record of Ragnarok

Pairing Hades X reader

Previous chapter

1

Symbols ✔ . ➕ . 💛

Warnings: none, just comedy and family fluff!

Tagging: ? (If you want to be tagged in any of my stories, just leave a comment here or send an ask or a message)

You and Hades stared at each other, then at the man on the chair, waiting for an explanation, which he gave to you after a deep sigh.

– I can’t believe this was your first idea, Hades-san. We just need to look at y/n-san to see that she’s not cursed. Even less sick – and, turning to you, – I’d even say she’s healthier than the previous times I’ve seen her.

While Hades was trying to process the intriguing response from the other god, you sensed a bubbling in your stomach, but that time it had nothing to do with nausea: you were aware that you’ve been quiet for too long, and though you were still afraid, you knew that if you didn’t speak for yourself, this confusion would never end.

You gathered all your courage and opened your mouth.

– But, Beelzebub-sama… – you startled when Beelzebub’s eyes stopped on you, but didn’t give up – These changes I’ve sensed are not product of my imagination. I’m really experiencing alterations in my sleeping and eating schedule, and there’s no apparent reason for them. And, to use Poseidon-sama’s words, it’s like something is stealing my energies, forcing my body to restock them. What kind of thing would cause this if not a curse or sickness?

The Lord of the Flies’ response was to turn to a drawer beside his table, at his leg’s height, and take two small objects out of it: when he turned back to you, you saw he had a medical needle and a tiny strap in hands.

Without the slightest sign of impatience, he stood up and approached you. You had to fight the impulse of stepping back when he stopped before you. Hades was following everything, but made no effort to interrupt – this was his level of trust in that man, then.

– Y/n-san, can you show me one finger? – Beelzebub raised the hand holding the needle – There’s something I want to show to both of you, but I need a blood sample first.

You had no idea of what he intended to show, but if it was going to solve this mystery, you’d accept his methods. You gave him a hesitant hand.

– It’s not going to hurt – he held your index finger and pressed the tip of the needle on it – Just some drops are enough.

Indeed, the procedure was so fast that you didn’t have the time to feel the sting. When the needle came out from your skin, your fingertip was left with a small, red dot on the pierced spot; you rubbed it and confirmed the absence of pain.

Hades and you observed in silence as Beelzebub took the collected material to the table and gathered a small test tube and some strange substances from bottles he kept inside a drawer in desk on the other side of the room. He came back with two or three colored flasks, moistened the strap with your blood, then put it inside the tube and started mixing the substances in it with the help of a thin, disposable stick.

He was so concentrated in this task that he didn’t notice the growing tension provoked by the questions he made while working.

– You didn’t say anything about it, y/n-san, but you’ve probably been experiencing other symptoms besides the ones you just described, right?

– Ah… yes – you stuttered.

– And does these symptoms include hypersensitivity to physical and mental stimulation?

– I… Yes, I think.

– And then, sensations of dizziness, nausea and occasional vomit?

You glanced at your husband, who already had a pair of worried eyes on you, and confirmed this supposition too.

– Let me guess – Beelzebub continued, without raising his eyes from the tube – They use to happen in the mornings?

Again, a positive answer. When Hades inquired you about this, you explained that it’s been happening long after he left the room.

– I would go back to bed and stay there until all the discomfort disappear from my stomach. Sometimes, I’d end up sleeping again, but most of the times I’d able to leave the room and carry on with my day.

– I see – he deliberated – And is this everything? Isn’t there other things causing you discomfort apart from what you said?

– No, I swear.

Your husband made no other questions, but you knew he was disappointed just by looking into his eyes. You tried not to think too much about it, for you would have time to discuss it later, in private. And, to be honest, you were disappointed with yourself too, which only made things worse.

An effervescent sound coming from Belzeebub’s table interrupted your thoughts. When you turned to it, saw him standing up and approaching you again to show you the results of the experiment. Now, the mixture inside the test tube has changed into a glowing, violet shade, with a lilac foam on its surface.

The scientist-god raised the tube at his eyes height, with a discreet smile of triumph. You always thought he had nothing but seriousness in him, but there he was, not hiding his diversion with all of this.

Now, Hades seemed more anxious about it than yourself, his eyes glued on the substance as if it contained your fate – which, in a certain way, it did.

– Well, I already knew it, but having a proof is always better – Beelzebub shook the fluid inside the tube, admiring the variations in its color.

– So… what does this proof mean? – your husband inquired.

– Beelzebub-sama… – you mumbled with your fingers crossed – Please, tell us…

Beelzebub took the tube out of his sight, as to gather your attention to what he was about to announce.

– Y/n-san, there’s really no curse over you. Instead, what you have here might be called a blessing for many couples – his black eyes calmly alternated between you two as he spoke – This purple shade you’re seeing represents a hormonal change you’ve been experiencing for at least three weeks, which is the responsible for all the symptoms. To summarize, within a few months, your family is going to grow.

Both you and Hades held your breath with the news. You turned to your husband and found him staring at you in ecstatic silence, in a way you’ve only seen in the most important occasions of your life together: when he proposed to you, when you arrived at the Underworld with him and when you had your first night. He was the first of you to bring up the possibility of parenting, but you thought you should wait until your bonds were strong enough to succeed in such task; it’s been a few decades since you talked about it, but you knew Hades never forgot the idea.

And now it was a reality. And you were, above all, scared.

– I’m… I’m expecting?! – you put your hands on your belly and turned back to Beelzebub, who has been observing you in silence – We’re going to have a baby?!

– Yes – he replied, unfazed – I’m really surprised that you had no suspicions until this moment, y/n-san. As far as I know, these are the basic symptoms of the human pregnancy.

You shrugged in embarrassment.

– Yes, I know, but… I supposed it would be different now that I’m no longer human… I never really thought about it.

The Lord of the Flies went back to the table and left the test tub upon it.

– You’re a deity with a female, humanoid physical constitution, y/n-san – he commented – No great changes should be expected in your conception process… or so I believe.

Your heart jumped inside your chest with those words.

– What… do you mean, Beelzebub-sama?

The man turned to you with an enigmatic smile that would feel less creepy if you saw it in someone else’s face.

– Well, you know, there are so many curious cases of conception in your pantheon. Aphrodite, Athena, Nyx, you name them. If you have some time, we can discuss the most exotic ones…

– No, thank you! – you raised your hands in a desperate refusal, not wanting to hear the entire invitation – I’m really grateful for your gentleness in receiving us, but I don’t want to take much more of your time, Beelzebub-sama – and, turning to your husband, – I think we should go back home and leave him free to work on his projects, my dear.

Hades had a smile on his lips that didn’t hide how much fun he had watching this interaction between you two, an extra reward after the astonishing news.

– Can you, please, stop scaring my wife, Beelzebub? – and, passing his around your shoulder, – As she stated, we’re grateful for your help, but it’s time to go. We have much work to do.

The Lord of the Flies returned to his chair, possibly to continue the studies in which he was engaged before you arrived.

– It’s a shame that we have to separate so soon, but you do as you prefer – he shrugged, still in that calm, good mood – If you need anything or if any curious symptom appears – he stared directly at you, – I’ll be right here.

You swallowed, but it was embarrassment that took you over instead of fear. Beelzebub was aware of your feelings towards him.

And guess you were lucky that he chose to have fun with this.

***

You’ve been standing before that porch for a while. Your legs would probably ache later, but you weren’t worried: now that you had a solid answer for most of those weird things your body has been doing, none of them scared you as an unsolvable problem anymore. Besides, you were now receiving the necessary assistance, not having to deal with anything all by yourself, and it has been good.

You were distracting your eyes and thoughts observing the Underworld’s landscape, a combination of empty fields and mountains of impossible size if compared to the ones of Midgard. Ahead and above, there were the expanded heights you used to call the sky, with heavy, reddish clouds that rarely brought rain; however, the wet wind that carried them that evening seemed to indicate an exception.

The way things turned out was still hard to assimilate. Just one day ago, you were scared and confused, until Beelzebub showed you the result of the test; now, you were there, in peace, trying to make amends with reality.

After all those years of marriage, you were carrying a child at last. You were going to be a mother for the first time.

– You’re going to get tired if you stay on your feet for too long, little one.

Hades’ voice brought you back to this plane. You turned to the porch’s entry and found him approaching your spot with slow, unworried steps: the ultimate sign that he has finally finished the works of the day and wouldn’t leave his chambers until tomorrow.

He stopped behind you and surrounded your body with his arms, pulling you to a warm embrace as his lips kissed your head.

– I’d get tired if I’d be forced to stay in bed all day – you replied with a smile – Besides, I was about to go back inside. It looks like it’s going to rain.

– Hmmm…

You didn’t went back to your room right after saying that: as long as the said rain wouldn’t reach the castle’s territory, you would take those precious moments in the company of each other, if not talking, enjoying your silence.

– This porch is still your favorite spot here, right? – your husband mumbled in your ear.

– Yes – you sighed – Why are you recalling this now?

– I was just remembering the first time you came here, right on the day you came to Hellheim – you felt his fingers curling the locks of your hair as he spoke – You said the view from here, which reminded you of a twilight, was the closest thing to Midgard you saw since you entered this plane. Then, you started to spent all your free time here.

You chuckled.

– You still remember that.

– Of course I do – and, with a pensive tone, – You know, I just couldn’t understand it at first. I always thought the lights of the castle were enough to simulate a natural day, so when you told me these dark skies made you feel closer to your homeland than them, it sounded absurd. It was when I realized that, because in Midgard you have your own sun, all life is connected to it through a sacred, unreplaceable bond, so that any artificial light would be just a poor excuse for them.

You turned to him, hiding your face on his chest.

– I don’t blame you for this, dear. There was one time when you said that you’ve had ages to get used to Hellheim’s darkness, so it was only natural that you wouldn’t realize it right at the beginning. I understand that.

– I know – Hades tightened the hug around you, as to apologize for this little mistake of long ago – But I cannot forget this. It’s my reminder that I have to stop and listen to you more attentively. If I have done this in this last case, all the uneasiness of the last days would have been avoided.

– Maybe yes, maybe not – you reciprocated the hug as warmly as you could – I don’t think we could ever know. Besides, I have my part on the responsibility in this too. If I didn’t act so hesitant and just spoke when I had to, things could have been solved in an easier way. I should have talked to you when all of this began. But I was so scared…

Right when your voice cracked and you thought you were going to cry, you felt a long, soft kiss on the top of your head as a response.

– Are you still afraid now, little one? – and, after you shook your head negatively, – Hmmm… that’s good to know…

Yes, it was really good. All your reasons to be afraid were left in the past, so now your thoughts could be entirely in the future, in the child you were going to bring to this world – not only a child, but a new deity. About this you had many questions, many worries, of course, but one thing you were sure: if your husband and you kept committed – you in speaking out and Hades in listening – nothing will be impossible.

You looked again at the horizon and noticed the clouds were near.

– We should go back inside now…

You separated from Hades and were going to enter your chambers, when a grip on your wrist stopped you midway.

– Oh, what hap… Hey!

After pulling you close to him again, your husband took you in his arms and started carrying you inside.

– Do you know what I’m thinking? – he started – Time will pass soon... Our baby will be here with us when we least expect.

You laughed.

– That’s true. And, when it happens, I want to present this view to them and make this their favorite spot as well…

– It’s an excellent idea, dear – he kissed your temple and tightened the grip around you – However… don’t you think this porch is too large for them alone?

– Well – you shrugged – It’s too large for me too…

You stopped deliberating once you raised your eyes to his face and saw the smirk on it. It wasn’t difficult to guess what he had in mind.

– Since they’ll not take too long to arrive – he leaned closer to you, whispering – We can start thinking about bringing their siblings to this porch right now.

You looked at the King of the Underworld with a mixture of desperation and diversion.

– Hades, you…! Don’t you ever bring this up again until our baby comes!

Hades laughed as you passed together through the porch’s entry.

– Sorry for hurrying things up, little one! I forgot we have all the time in the world for this!

***

The news about your pregnancy didn’t take long to spread among the Greek pantheon, and then to the other ones, and the messages of good luck, blessings and congratulations wouldn’t stop arriving, keeping Hellheim’s servants occupied for a good amount of time.

Surprising even his elder brother, Poseidon-sama was one of the first to send his regards, alongside a beautiful, golden shell he said he personally collected in his domain, explaining that it’s a traditional gift sent to the children born to the people of the seas. You loved the gift, of course, and wanted to make your gratitude known as soon as you could, so Hades didn’t take long to prepare a message.

By that time, the divine council has ended and the King of the Seas was already back to his castle. He was at the throne room as usual when the said message was delivered to him through the hands of his loyal servant, Protheus.

– Hades-sama and his wife, y/n-sama, sent this package to you, my Lord, as a thanks for the gift you sent in honor of their child – he knelt and raised the message with both hands to his master’s reach.

Poseidon found it strange that a simple reply should come in the form of a rectangular package, wrapped in golden paper. He released Protheus and waited until he left the room to unwrap the strange object.

His servant, now a few steps away on the corridor, would later be glad for being dispensed before the message’s content was figured out by his master, for the response it provoked came in a sway of the Tyrant’s trident, followed by a furious thud of its base on the castle’s floor that certainly caused a seaquake somewhere in the lands above.

It happened that, alongside the polite, warm handwritten message you sent, Hades included his own response in a small paper note that only said “Enjoy your reading” (which he had no need to sign, because Poseidon was more than used to his calligraphy), and under the enigmatic note an old book was found, one that was taken from Beelzebub’s library and about which he barely remembered. The book’s title, almost erased by time, was still visible and was seen by many servants that entered the room to take care of their tasks without understanding why it caused such reaction in their King.

Principles of the Effective Accursement and How to Spot Them – An Ultimate Guide.

#shuumatsu no valkyrie #record of ragnarok #shuumatsu no valkyrie x reader #record of ragnarok x reader #record of ragnarok hades #shuumatsu no valkyrie hades #shuumatsu no valkyrie hades x reader #record of ragnarok hades x reader #snv hades x reader #ror hades x reader #snv poseidon #ror poseidon #snv beelzebub #ror beelzebub

[kurjakani]

Gyu is so annoying (affectionate) he says he likes pitiful and ugly things and then immediately goes on about how no one in the whole wide world has it harder than him

Gatekeeper supreme

Fr tho jokes aside its So Interesting 2 me i think theres a couple reasons why he does that why he shames himself so much

Its an unhealthy coping mechanism: if he makes fun of himself first it wont hurt as much when others do it, if he makes fun of himself first maybe people won't bother to do it, if he makes fun of himself hes RIGHT about himself, his feelings about his personhood are right, and people like 2 feel right.

Its a rebellion to take pride in his "negative traits" (his appearence isnt one fr, just his personality, but he sees them both as such), it's a fight, this i feel could take a healthier form but he's still clearly jealous of others so i dont think he truly deeply takes pride and JOY in how he is

ITS STRAIGHT UP. a way for him to excuse/allow himself to do awful things. "im an awful person so what do you expect?" kinda thing. allowance to give into his worst impulses and tendencies, which he would need to hold back or find an another way to excuse if he didnt just decide that. Since hes an awful person, hes SUPPOSED 2 do awful things.

Sorry u just sent me a message roasting him a little but im also rotating him on a spit in my mind and i cant get enough AUGH hes soooo on my mind

#gyutaro #gyuutarou #ask #anon #i need 2 create like a blorbo tag

[humbletumblecrudi]

Hello, I'm happy to bring you a bit of a different story type here, and I'm happy to say it's platonic/pre-relationship headcanons! It can be either or! Requests are still open. 🫒

Synopsis: The Reader is just getting to know the real them. [Heartslybul Edition]

Character(s): Riddle, Trey, Cater, Deuce, and Ace w/ Platonic or Pre-Relationship GN!Reader

Personality for Reader: I've been seeing a lot of feral Reader/OC/MC's and this is a treat for all my stoic, dependable Reader/OC/MC's! (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)

🍓 Riddle Rosehearts

❀ He did not think someone would like him the way he is; he's heard the talk around school, and he knows his reputation. But he didn't really care about what people say about his more superficial personality traits, they were the baseline of knowing him truly. But to see you actually smiling at him chiding, how curious…

❀ Actually having you sit around and just listening to any small remark he made without being scolded about proper manners… well, he might use you as a bit of a shoulder to lean on, and an ear to lend. He's not all business, not all ADeuce this and Floyd that… but he does appreciate a more non-solution based chat to just gripe 

❀ Your very dependable, he likes that. You listen and you train your focus on him, you talk and you're precise in your own way, you make a plan and follow through. He might be projecting his failing expectations of his Heartslybul freshman onto you, because why couldn't you be them? He also might forgive a tardiness once or twice (one's without reason, he doesn't care about them if you have a reason normally).

❀ But never a failing grade. You may or may not be in Heartslybul, but no matter what affiliation you are: you're not failing. Especially not when you're acquaintances with him. Could you not think to ask him for help studying? He's sure he has been nothing but open to you, so hopefully you're not thinking of him poorly. He's not Azul, he won't ask for payment to ensure you don't suffer in school.

❀ Riddle has tough mannerisms and things about him to understand unless your in on his past or at least his emotional state. He might trust you with his past if you are friends for a long time, or even a part of his Overblot rescue team: but he might not be able to fathom having someone to talk to. Trey and Chenya just knew his past because they were a part of it and had many years to adapt with him: please, understand he might not trust you fully just yet. Wait for him.

❀ Riddle is a perfectionist learning not everything needs to be his way, so let him assure you: he prefers your balanced lifestyle over his. He can see how you not only satisfy his needs sometimes (his need for order, his need for structure, his want of sweets if you're in a food run) with your needs (your need for space, your ideas of structure, your preference of snack food). It's much more healthier than just caving to whims, he admits. How charming of you.

🍏 Trey Clover

♧ Trey is the resident middle-grounder and damage control, much less at least 25% of Riddle's impulse control on a good day; he knew you'd flock to him eventually. "Birds of a feather, flock together", the old rhymes say! But alas, it's still nice to have a level-headed person around here, it gets a little tough even if some younger years are adorable and naïve.

♧ Trey is very well informed on all the goings on of Heartslybul and he's always willing to share and guide you through the place if you ask. People not from Heartslybul aren't liable to their rules (unless you're from Heartslybul, then please learn some), but if Trey is caught slacking it's "Off With His Head"! So please, ask any questions you have, it literally can't hurt you to ask. Oh, you actually wanted to know more about him as a person? Why, that's very flattering. What do you want to ask? 

♧ Trey is a busy and very independent person, even Cater can't deny or play that down. So it's nice that you both have your space away from each other, just for you two to meet each other and it still feel fresh to see one another. The campus is large if you include other dorms and other people around, and he hopes you're making other friends and bonds except just him! Trey is usually found in library areas, his dorm (mostly the kitchen), in a lab setting, or the botanical garden: so come by if you haven't seen him in a few days! He might talk your ear off about his siblings or proper hygiene again. 

♧ When arguing or having a disagreement, Trey appreciates your logical stance and factual tones. You and him might not be happy (or there wouldn't be a fight) but he can understand clear and precise emotions being expressed. Don't guilt him, don't criticize, don't judge. He wouldn't even stoop so low himself as to do so either, but will stand up for himself if need be. But here, with you, he's sure you two can talk through this. Attack the problem together, if you may. 

♧ Ah, being dependable! He really needs it (and Cater as well, but this isn't about him) to stay afloat sometimes. You two having something to do together or with a group, and you follow up with him to confirm it? It's nice to hear you care! … Or at least you aren't an ass and say "I'll come if I feel like it" like half the school does. What did he say? Oh, nothing! Next week is great.

♧ Trey is happy you can be authentic with him. He's happy that you drop your guarded expression used for warding off other students around him, it's sorta refreshing. Though, he does get why it took you a while to even do so, being from this school of Villains ready to strike at your jugular (hell, he mirrors your sentiment of wariness). He's just happy you can saddle up next to him to read about whatever caught your fancy, and he can not flinch with you leaning over his shoulder.

🍊 Cater Diamond

♢ Oh sweetie, oh honey… this is a slightly harder but more cuter nut to crack. He's not opening up for just anyone and he's much less likely to care about attempts to get to know him. At first. After perhaps one too many earnest and actual charged responses to actual self-destructive questions… he kinda thinks you're weird in the cool, smart kinda way! Just try keeping your head down for now, he'll see you later!

♢ He hates people seeing the cracks in his mask, but he wouldn't be calling you to vent from a dark, unused room if he was so adverse to it. He likes your honesty and he's happy he called you over anyone else: your stoic and almost non-reaction to his fracturing self-image over the phone does wonders. You want to know what's on his mind? Well…

♢ Learning each other's dislikes is like a walk in the park, especially with one like Cater Diamond. He will tell you what he doesn't like, and he expects to know what you dislike too! "Hi, my name is Cater, and what's your least favorite dinner food?" Joking, joking! He still likes that you share this with him and don't hold it over him, especially with what he had to deal with back home with food… please, just no more sweets…

♢ Cater upset isn't too rare, but the severity is usually the rare part. Miffed, disgruntled, perturbed? Happens often, especially if a spell goes haywire like those Mandrakes. Actually angry, seething, raging? He isn't that kinda guy who goes there often. He also can hit the middle of the road too, and it's sometimes the worst: because his eyes can go cold and he can have this fury like ice. But… well, he's never had to fix you with that glare, because you're always the initiator of separating for a breather. Cater is the silent brooderーand the silent stewer of angerーin Heartslybul, but he'll come around, I promise. 

♢ Hold him accountable please, like you always do. Don't let him worm his way out or butter you up, please hold him accountable for any misgivings he had caused. His sister's never did it back when they were younger (leaving a not-so-small paranoia of broken promises), so he's going to make a big request of you too: you're going to be held accountable too. If you have a flaw that hurts or makes others uncomfortable, he's allowed to call you out on it. And if starts on anyone and you hear him out of line, please go ahead and hold him accountable. Deal, bestie?

♢ Being affirming of him does wonders too, he's a bit of a liar (but you can see what's the truth just by a bit of watching). Cater claims he's going to use this school to network and make the best in life, but his grades are neutral if not a little bad… well, he's not lazy like other's claim, but just not a bright star in academia. You can tell it's probably something personal, so you don't ask just yet: but you do keep an eye on him just in case he needs anything. You know he'll take a handout rather than an offer to help (even though he's emotionally smart enough to see right through you). 

🫐 Deuce Spade

♤ Your so cool, how did he get a friend like you?! Deuce is a straightforward guy, so this is literally the easiest friendship anybody saw coming. It happened mostly because of mutual sympathy for each other's struggles, and how emotionally ready you both are. Please, stay his friend, he enjoys this!

♤ Share information with Deuce, it's how to be get started here. Deuce is a trusting and respectful guy, so he's going to spill his beans first and speak to you about his home life. And he spares no punches, not even for himself; he was an ass to other's, a bully to some, and a problem child for his mother… Please, share some words of sympathy or praise for going straight after that. Share your own experiences, don't let him hog the conversation! Apologies!

♤ He likes self care, he has no idea why. Self care was just this mystic and almost expensive word that made his younger brain swirl with ideas. But now? He knows it's just taking "Me Time" and just destressing however you can, and if a bit of money is spent there then meh. But his form of self care would be venting his frustrations verbally before just doing some grooming he might have missed out on (maybe use that cream Vil told him makes him look nice, or use the bath salts Cater praises)...

♤ Playing fair is paramount to talking and/or conflicting with Deuce. Deuce can get rather upset real fast, but he's not just going to jump to conclusions, he swears! Your fair point of view and cool head stopped him from at least a couple of headbutting incidents, and he values anything you tell him to calm him down. He doesn't care if you use big words sometimes, just try and not overload him while he's already in a bad mood/buzzing near physical violence (only on those that deserve it and won't listen)! 

♤ You called him a "Good Boy" once and now he's just flabbergasted in the good way: he didn't think he needed praise but here he is. He's already gone through his rocky emotional phaseーwhen he was a bullyーand he thought he was emotionally maturing. Tell him it's not childish to like being praised for his work (it works on Sebek) and you'd gladly do it again because his work is genuine, and honestly good. He gets flustered from this, help him!

🍒 Ace Trappola

♡ Just starting a talk might be hard with him, as his first sentence to you was, "Hold on…" and then he walked away. You're most likely not the chasing type (and even if you are, he was rude about it) so you start to take off and decide to talk to him later. Next time you see him, he's actually surprised you're trying again to talk to him… and then he kinda apologizes for doing that, he was too stunned to chase after you after that.

♡ Listen to what he says carefully. He's both brutally honest and a natural liar, and being a liar is hard to shake even if he wants to. He called it "Youngest Sibling Survival Tactics #2" and told you not to mind it much: but that's up to you to decide. He is going to lie, but you can easily learn the signs of it like everyone else (you're not the best liar to people that know you, Ace). 

♡ If you have something cool about you that matches with what he wants to learn (like basketball trucks, or fashion tips, or some such) then he'll totally show you his sleight of hand tricks! He likes trades to be fair (... Azul) and he'll tell you anything! He's not Floyd where he's absolutely captivated and tries things prematurely, he will listen and attempt with gusto.

♡ Whenever you're disappointed in him, don't judge him too harshly. Ace can cross a line just like anybody else, and if he reaches that threshold, tell him off. And don't make assumptions about what he meant, just use first person feelings to help it get across. "I didn't think you had it in you" or "I am disappointed", like that. (But he still might get defensive, so…)

♡ He's a younger brother and a son, so he's willing to talk about family with you. Just don't be too upset if he has a take on things from the baby sibling perspective. He also likes throwing shade at Trey for fun at how he acts about people younger than him, so have fun stopping him! … But he will if you aren't having fun.

♡ It's a process with Ace, just take your time. He's just like anybody else in this school: anxious of betrayal, and just learning how to do this or that. Help him with his classwork, help him cook something, help him with your opinion on clothes… anything to just show you are on his side. After what happened at Octavinelle, he'll never take friends for granted again! 

Why was Ace so hard to write?? ｡:ﾟ(;´∩`;)ﾟ:｡

#Twisted Wonderland #TWST #Heartslybul #Reader Insert #Gender Neutral Reader #GN Reader #Twisted Wonderland x Gender Neutral Reader #TWST x Gender Neutral Reader #Heartslybul x Gender Neutral Reader #Twisted Wonderland x Reader #TWST x Reader #Heartslybul x Reader #Riddle Rosehearts x Reader #Trey Clover x Reader #Cater Diamond x Reader #Deuce Spade x Reader #Ace Trappola x Reader #x Reader #x Male Reader #x Female Reader #x OC #Canon x Reader

[figureofdismay]

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

I'm going to answer this for x-files/msr because my 'unpopular opinion' part of that ship ask got cut off due to text limit, the trope being the Malewife baby-girl-ification of Mulder.

I do actually understand where it comes from. It's both from Mulder's general haplessness and unwillingness to look after himself and self destructive tendencies and willingness/yearning to put himself into Scully's care getting read as a broad shorthand for submissiveness - in a D/s sense either literally or metaphorically - despite lots of parts of the text that indicate it's more complicated than that, and an eagerness to put him into a wife-caretaker role that both does and doesn't suit him. And it comes from the currently popular type of flattened-nuance impulse within fandom to do the tumblr-speak version of 'girls rule and boys drool' girl power, 'i'm making this messy ship dynamic more feminist and acceptable' revisionism. Some of it's id-fic and wish fulfillment for the characters which is fun and cool, and I support it even if it's not always my kind of thing.

I just have a problem with some of the fics where it's like the author is trying to instruct me, the audience, how to see the relationship as healthier and more forward thinking than what we saw on screen, which feels a little odd. I can separate the fictional character dynamic from what I would want in real life and enjoy the dynamic 'unhealthily' without it having implications for me personally.

More broadly in a general fandom sense, the trope I simply don't understand and enjoy is 'Soulmates.' I mean, some soulmates fic is still cool and well written. And I enjoy the Metaphorical Soulmates where the characters just instantly click after randomly meeting through 'fate.' But the ones where they have Literal Soulmates or the Soul Bond is a tattoo or a clock or seeing colors or a psychic/empathic connection or something always end up feeling conceptually claustrophobic to me to at least some extent. It's very 'suddenly hand-cuffed to a stranger for life' feeling and I tend to filter that tag out on AO3 😅

(for this ask game)

[itsnothingofinterest]

Didn't expect a Curious vestige/ghost/hallucination(kind of prefer to think of it as her ghost for the memes) this late in the game, but am not complaining. I like how it shows again how much Curious got to her when it came to someone prodding at her past and how it affects her now with someone else trying the same thing in this 2nd battle. Also like how it builds off the Curious mention in the first war and her fight by legit making her someone that 'haunts' Toga even beyond death.

You said it. Horikoshi sure likes his call backs, especially in a climactic arc like this one (even if I still stubbornly think this arc isn't the end of My Hero as a whole, it's certainly closing a chapter on a lot).

And boy is the art for it something too.

I don't really have much to add on Curious having an effect on Toga; but something that's interesting is that what ghost!Curious brings up here is something I noticed and talked about when we got the Volume 38 cover: while I wouldn't quite say Toga's 'suppressing herself' (her anger and grief is clearly very genuine), Toga is presently tossing aside her 'feelings' and her own wants for romantic love in the pursuit of justice/revenge.

I remember asking before if the series would consider this a character improvement or detriment. On a personal level I mean; to the heroes, she is far more dangerous like this. But you could've argued it was healthier then her previous behaviour; after all, she's not thirsting for blood in this state, nor is she trying to hurt uninvolved innocents. All her targets now are definitely involved & hardly innocent. But it seems the narrative has come down on saying this development was bad in a rather unexpected way; drawing a direct parallel between Toga forgoing her pursuit of love & blood for revenge, and her inevitably-doomed childhood habit of suppressing her impulses to appear well-behaved & 'normal'. "Toga the Avenger" is as fake as "Toga the Middle School Who Definitely Doesn't Want Your Blood." And for a girl whose whole deal is wanting to live safely & freely as her true self: that's bad.

(Though to be clear, I am not blaming Toga for this development as a whole, and I think it's unfair when anyone to call her self-destructive for it. Far more so than any hero here; this is not a course of action she choose. Toga is doing what she's doing to survive.)

...Suppose that means she still likes Deku & Uraraka then, and like, she's just covering it up by lashing out at them rejecting her? Her stabbing her crush would be emblematic of the internal crisis I'm describing after all.

#ask & reply #bnha #bnha 392 #toga himiko #bnha curious #chitose kizuki #league of villains #lov #meta liberation army #mla #paranormal liberation front #PLF #midoriya izuku #uraraka ochako

[vhstown]

i saw a video on enneagram types and i think miles and gwen are both type 6 but display very different levels of health within that type

itsv and atsv spoilers obviously (not a proper analysis just some thought dump)

(type six is "the loyalist" — committed, security oriented, engaging, responsible, anxious and suspicious according to the enneagram institute)

not going into wings or tritypes because i feel like it'd just get too complicated and too out of character trying to stretch it i just dont think it's necessary

for reference here is some info from the enneagram institute on type 6 (excluding wings and the manifestation of other types):

The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy.

Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it.

They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious.

They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. 

At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

Key Motivations: (and this is important) Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity.

would also like to add PURPOSE as a core motivation because it provides self-security

MILES is on the healthier end of the type 6 where he's more self-reliant, stable while committed to his core motivations. he trusts in himself even when there's uncertainty about the canon he is adamant on saving his dad because his need to keep his loved ones safe overrides any wider sort of disruption (focuses on immediate personal security rather than wider societal security like miguel or peter b might)

obvi he is a growing as a kid and developing character and you see the basic need to have security and support when he really wants to join the spider society and be involved in something way bigger and cooler and a more "official" community. the society is the peak form of security because it's full of his spider-friends who he finds reassurance in (and just appeals to his nerd self)

i think his core motivations are challenged when he realises he can't be with his spider friends anymore and is sent back to "his universe"

because he realises he can't find security in his friends he goes back to his normal life trying to find that in his family (when he's in earth 42 and tells his "mom" that he made a mistake trusting others and he's gonna stick with his family)

he's still a healthy six though because even at the end when he meets miles g he's ADAMANT on getting back to his universe. he's level-headed, motivated and set on his goal even though hes tied to a PUNCHING BAG and the prowler version of him is right in his face

he is impulsive but self-assured and i think that's what drives him forward WAY faster than any other characters. he's pretty much the only one in the whole spider-society who publicly defies miguel and his canon event theory (and while gwen does this too and asks miguel what'll happen she shuts up like immediately when miguel says "you wanna find out?")

GWEN is on the unhealthier side of the type six and a good contrast to miles' type six qualities; she's almost written like a foil to bring out his more pro-active qualities while she's hesitant and lacks confidence in herself

additionally his fixation on purpose changes a lot in this movie compared to ITSV when he wanted to fill the role of spider-man and be a hero i think miles is more of his own person now and while he mightve not found his purpose outside of spider-man he is still more self-driven than his past self

"nah, imma do my own thing." 😭😭😭

not hating on gwen by the way she goes through a lot and while it doesn't necessarily justify what she does it definitely makes sense when you consider that she's an unhealthy type six

gwen THRIVES in the spider-society and is desperate to join and keep her place in it because it's what gives her purpose. she doesn't have that security in her personal life like miles might (her best friend is dead, her dad tried to arrest her) so she has nothing to fall back on

she's a LOT more cautious and "lying in wait" in juxtaposition to miles because she's clinging onto what security she's given

she's lacking the loyalty that miles has, trying to be loyal to the spider-society (i dont blame her because this security RELIES on her being loyal, it's conditional) rather than the people she loves or things she believes

this is particularly because she's suspicious, defensive and doubts herself and her ability to bring about change. she just needs to belong so she can't make those decisions for herself and leave the security behind because she's not self-assured and personally secure like miles is.

again going back to miguel's canon event theory when she DOES try to oppose him she doesn't even fully challenge him she just asks if he really knows what'll happen if miles breaks a canon event to which he gives a vague answer and she doesn't question anymore. she's cautious and her beliefs are twisting around what stability miguel's spider-society provides for her even when there's something clearly wrong about it all.

however when she DOES lose that security and is sent back to her universe, because of her unhealthy traits she needs other characters' support. she almost leaves her dad again and then gives up entirely and tells him to arrest her because she believes she has nothing to fight for anymore. she doesn't have security ANYWHERE so she just completely falls apart and loses her purpose.

so her dad and hobie's support are VITAL to her re-emerging as a better character and we can see this with the spider-band she forms at the end of the movie.

she gets that reassurance she needs (that she probably never had) and realises that she CAN fight for her beliefs and the things she cares about. she's still motivated by her security but it doesn't govern her. she fights because of it rather than for it, much like miles does, and finds security in a more personal and self-contained way outside of the society, and that self-reliance is starting to form

I'd like to add that the point of "Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation" is what makes these two characters great superheroes and work so well in a team i just thought that was interesting lol

again i'd like to point out the reason why gwen and miles are so different is most likely because of their personal traumas. yes, they've both gone through a LOT but gwen is TOTALLY lacking in security (again, KEY MOTIVATION) without the spider-society. she doesn't have parents and friends to return to like miles might (her dad wants to arrest her and her best friend peter is dead)

however i think gwen in ITSV is a lot more of a better display of her healthy type six qualities and miles displays his unhealthier (to a degree at least) type six qualities when he's just starting to be spider-man so seeing them shift and grow and contrast and essentially change positions in ATSV is so cool

i think in BTSV they'll level the playing field and hopefully grow into their healthier selves? again miles is not entirely healthy as a type 6 he pushes people away a lot particularly his own family and parents as much as he might care for them because he thinks he can find better purpose somewhere else (the spider society etc)

would be really interesting to explore their relationship through this lens where they drive each other to be healthier (whether that relationship is platonic or romantic)

i think enneagram types are really cool and while they can be flawed and misinterpreted a lot of the time they're a good tool for characteristation

i watched itsv and atsv a long time ago so my memory is kind of fuzzy x_x

if anyone's read this let me know ur thoughts ! i've been into personality types for a while but i'm not a professional or anything just some random kid who likes to think a lot lmao. will edit or reblog w if i have any other thoughts too!

again this is all subjective. i think personality types are not definitive but very fun to look into <3

#gwen stacy #miles morales #across the spiderverse #character analysis #spiderman into the spiderverse #spiderman across the spiderverse #miles morales headcanons #gwen stacy headcanons #vee rants #enneagram #atsv #istv

[queenofcoquette]

Hellooo! I wanna ask something. If it's okay? I have loads of questions so please excuse me, I have loads of things going on rn and I'm just a mess... how do I get back my life together? Like genuinely how can I find myself? How can I love myself? How can I find my aesthetic? How to save money? How to find my vibe? How to find your archetype and how to find your attachment style? I'm really sorry if that's a lot. I'm lost. Hope you're having a great day! Take care of yourself! </3

ofc its okay! since there are a lot of questions i might not be able to give the most in-depth answers, but i'll try to get right to the point <3

getting your life back together: it starts with little steps, and knowing what you want to achieve.

self-reflect more often

work on your weaknesses

write down the habits you want to get rid off

write down the habits/hobbies you want in your life

begin to slowly incorporate these healthier habits (consistency always goes further than intensity)

finding yourself: this one is probably the hardest since you never really find yourself per say, you're always changing and evolving, so it's sort of like a journey

visualize your ideal lifestyle

connect to old hobbies/try out new hobbies and find a passion

create a moodboard to find what appeals to you

work on building healthier habits

loving yourself: this is enough tough one, and breaking through the levels of self-hatred can take a while. so work on identifying thoughts and correcting thoughts

think- what do you not like about yourself?

what are your insecurities and why?

when you have self-hating thoughts, identify it and stop the train of thought

begin to say positive affirmations, even if you don't believe them at first

find self love accounts

stop making self depricating jokes/comments

aesthetics: finding an aesthetic is another thing that changes a lot. like two years ago my style was way different than now, because styles always evolve and change.

find style inspo (i use Pinterest to make moodboards)

find people who's style you look up to

combine styles and aesthetics, you don't need to stick to one

saving money:

seperate wants from needs- do you really need what you feel like buying?

i also have a tendency to impulse buy (which im working on) so think and reflect before spending

set saving goals

finding your vibe: i think this one connects to aesthetics, but i'll focus on like your overall vibe, like your style, your lifestyle, personality, etc.

find people you look up to/ traits in people you look up to

think about healthy habits you want in your life

begin to explore different hobbies to add into your life

think about your goals and how you're going to achieve them

your dream you is inside of you, so wake up each day and show up as them

finding your archetype: this is a question i'm not too sure how to answer, since i just found out what this was after your question lol. for this i found some personality tests and psychology tests, so i hope those help! i don't know much about this topic but i guess read about the different archetypes and think about which one you identify with.

attachment styles: this is another topic im not too sure about, im so sorry! i guess my advice would be to research the four types, and see which one you identify with in your relationships, and how you act.

sorry that i wasn't too aware of some of these topics! in the future i'll try to make longer pins adressing these topics more in depth. in the mean time you're more than free to dm me about any questions. i hope u all are doing amazing, sending positive energy and all of my love :)

-a <3

#that girl #that girl 2023 #motivation #pink pilates princess

[sanguine-inkwell]

I think I want to write about self care today.

The thing about being a sanguinarian is, it’s not as… straightforward as a normal need? It’s easy to understand that a human being needs sugars, fats, and proteins to survive. Your brain needs those things. It is rational to conclude that not being able to feel hunger, or not eating, is a Bad Thing with Bad Consequences.

Blood is hard to get, and I end up mentally filing it under “luxury goods” like chocolate and bath bombs. Iron pills don’t really do it, my usual pomegranate juice helps a little, but even pomegranate juice is ludicrously expensive and I have bills to pay. So, compared to the necessary value of chicken and bread and milk, blood should be a sacrifice I can justify not making for months or years. I only have my favorite chocolate on holidays, you know? It should be simple.

I still don’t know why I crave blood. It’s not a bit or an aesthetic choice. If it was, I’d be thrilled buying red candles for the evening and messing with my makeup to make blood drips down my jaw. If it was an aesthetic choice, I wouldn’t be facing the war between my social anxiety and my genuine need. The need definitely wouldn’t be winning. Blood is in people, you can’t really get it any other way consensually. It’s not like I keep farm animals in my apartment.

I’ve been running with the assumption that it’s psychological, but it’s such a niche psychological want that I thought I could gloss it over, or maybe classify it with the impulses like touching hot stoves or throwing my phone out a window. But I don’t feel worse after successfully ignoring those last two.

The thing about being neurodivergent, though, is that by hook or by crook you end up being really good at ignoring or not registering your own needs, be they physical or psychological. Nature, nurture, however the cards fall. Especially if you’re prone to dissociation- I’ve got a friend with ADHD I meet up with for DND, and he frequently doesn’t eat all week because he just forgets to. I’ve got a friend with autism who sometimes goes Angry Werewolf Mode out of nowhere and asks to be left alone for a day, and then comes back saying they might have had some emotions they were ignoring.

So maybe it doesn’t matter what blood does for me, whether it’s rational or irrational. What matters is this want has stuck around for over a decade, and I feel healthier after taking care of it.

But I know myself. There’s a nonzero chance I’ll forget I even wrote this! And I don’t have the cash to help myself anyway. The electric bill is more important than the water bill, both of those are more important than groceries, groceries are more important than getting my oil changed, and pomegranate juice isn’t even on the list. I can buy so many hot dogs for the price of a bottle of expensive juice. Hell, even if I had a willing blood donor, my usual honorbound payment is pizza. Or at least dinner. I can’t afford that.

Can I afford to start caring about this lacking area of self care? I don’t know. I can at least acknowledge that I need to take better care of myself, which is something. But after that we get into the universal issue of a lack of local swans. If I wanted to complain about that, I can think of at least three Discord servers full to the brim with equally desperate vampires. It’s easier to ask a friend, but the friends that would be willing are an expensive plane ticket away. So!

Is there any benefit to recognizing I have an unfulfilled need right now? There probably should be, on principle. I’m not sure what it would be. At the very least there’s value in recognizing what’s real and what’s not, and treating myself kindly according to that. The brief impulse to throw my phone out a window? Not a real need, does not have lingering effects if I ignore it. The need to drink blood? There are consequences if I don’t, even if I’m really good at ignoring those consequences. I won’t die, but I also won’t die if I don’t take my meds, and I definitely function better with them than without.

So I suppose… the most I can do is recognize that the need exists and accept it, but if I can’t respond to the need, is there value in recognizing it?

I feel like my therapist would say yes.

#mod smoke #sanguinarian #rambles

[system-of-a-feather]

By the way, do whatever cringey shit it takes to cope in the healthiest way possible and make decisions in your best interest.

Like this body has a horrendous oral fixation, and Aderis and myself have really bad impulse control when we are stressed + an really strong drive to use substances which our body has actually managed to very well dodge solely because we have obsessive, control freak, super stressed and anxious parts for better or worse. It's something I used to hate the fuck out of and think was excessive but thinking on it, its definitely a good idea cause we have 0 resistance against any form of addiction and very easily develop psychological dependence on things that aren't even chemically addictive, so like 100% if we were to dip our toes into that, it could easily be an avalanche

Even said, specifically for me, the urge to start smoking is stupid hard to deal with a lot of the time between my very very very intense oral fixation, my impulsive short sighted "funny and aesthetic" brain, and the fact I'm a mentally ill traumatized bitch and like, ever since I've been back and aware of myself I've been like "I REALLY want to smoke" and everyone in the system being like "NO." and then them chucking me a different chew toy to help redirect that urge and energy

But at a certain point our crackhead child (little, nickname) grabbed a tooth pick to chew on or something I forget, and my brain fucking clicked that it very deeply itched the exact need and feeling my brain needed almost perfectly without actually having the chemical shit. And a lot of the time when I'm chewing on one, I'll unintentionally and without thinking of it, handle it like a cig because my brain just substitutes the psychological itch.

My "predecesor" in the system (aka Aderis) had a similar issue with drinking and while mine came more intuitively, but she figured out in early middle school that since we had no access to alcohol and "would die" if we tried, she just pretended Dr Pepper cans and bottles were booze and told herself it was a depressant that numbed and calmed shit down. To this day, Dr Pepper post-breakdown mostly actually mellows us out and lowers anxiety which is wild since Dr Pepper has caffeine which is supposed to do the opposite

And yeah, is it cringe for someone to act as if a tooth pick is a cigarette? Yeah, is it cringe for someone to act and treat Dr. Pepper like its alcohol? Yeah. But is it better to be "not cringe" or cringe and not slipping down a really unhealthy slope?

Not saying its bad to have picked up the habits or to have substance use issues - god no. That shits complicated, rough, and honestly - if it wasn't for the fact that the system has done an amazing job keeping the body clean - probably would use them myself.

But like, main point is that fucking like. Be cringe if that helps you live a healthier life and / or a life closer to what you want.

People can call me a cringe edgelord wanna be for how I handle my toothpicks, cause I really don't care about 1) being an edgelord beyond the meme and 2) don't really care what people say about that cause I do this cause it makes me feel good and helps me think and process shit better and I'd rather have a psychological dependence to toothpicks than I would to tobacco and nicotine. If someone has an issue with that, thats their problem.

#alter: xiv #substance abuse tw #substances tw #coping #idk just something I'm thinking about cause of shit I was talking to our fiance about #he was like ‟dude XD stop using the toothpick like a cigarette‟ and I was like ‟... huh #I guess I am lol #gonna keep doing it but interesting

[cream-and-tea]

maybe it’s because of all the Fun New Backstory Things i’ve just come up with for him but i have fiver on the brain and am specifically thinking so much about how he’s a good and kind person who has had to fight incredibly hard to be a good and kind person.

like. without going to much into all his shit it would’ve been ridiculously easy for fiver to fall off the deep ends at many, many points in his life. and in a way he kind of did. he grew up in an environment that actively fostered all his worst traits and only made his pre-existing issues worse with zero checks and balances in place and no support network for him to fall back on when he imploded. and even once he eventually got out he was incredibly angry and bitter and confused about what tf he was supposed to do, and at first he rejected every opportunity of help that was offered to him until circumstances actively forced him to. he is, fundamentally, distrusting of people (for very good reason) and that was one of the first things he had to confront to get him to where he is now.

and he’s self-centred! and he’s petty! and he’s horribly horribly selfish! and above all of that he LIES! oh my GOD does he LIE! this man is 90% falsehood by volume. but he’s also very very self aware. he knows these are flaws and that they are core to who he is but also that if he falls back into letting them be what he bases his worldview on he’ll be up shits creek by himself with nowhere to go. his first family taught him to be cruel, his second showed him what kindness could look like, and tbh part of him is kind of terrified of really being authentic bc he’s so scared that deep down his true self really is that volatile teenager willing to fuck basically anyone over as long as it meant 0 consequences for him. and part of why it scares him is because it would be so easy. he only started on the path to the person he is today because he was mentally dragged into it kicking and screaming and it’s been incredibly difficult every step of the way.

but back then he didn’t have to care about people, and now he does and he cares so fucking much that it’s almost painful. so he can’t give up no matter how simple it would be, because it would hurt the people he loves and more than that he knows it would hurt him. bc he’s healthier than he’s ever been even though it’s a struggle every day. he’s learned to be gentle to other people but more than anything he’s learned to be gentle with himself and there’s something fragile in that. like he could make one mistake and be back to being seventeen and not being able to leave his car that he’s been camped out in for 3 weeks without water. his first impulse is still to snap at people when they reach out to him, to just assume he’s right, to look away from what makes him hurt and pretend it isn’t there. but he doesn’t. he doesn’t because he knows that him and the people he loves deserve better. the jokes and the cherry red heart-shaped sunglasses and the tarot cards and the embroidered trenchcoat aren’t just things he likes. they’re battle armour.

kindness and gentleness don’t come naturally to him, they’re something he’s had to learn as he’s learned how to heal, and honestly i love it so much.

#also the inverse that creates with agnes being a truly kind kid forced to be cruel #and pallas being a kid who never really got the chance to be kind in the first place #and how fiver is one of the only people who has literally never given up on the idea that pallas could *be* a better person #bc he knows!!! he knows firsthand what clawing your up from that kind of pit is like!!!!!! #he sees SO much of himself in both these kids and he wants to be there for them how he wishes someone had been there for him #but he does have a habit of overprojecting? in a way? #that’s something that i want explore more later on in the trilogy especially in regards to agnes and he relationship to her family #idk he needs to learn to sort of take a step back? but it’s really hard for him to accept that #anyways fiver is selfish and manipulative and a massive massive capital L Liar and he is also the best person in the main cast #bc he’s TRYING and he’s worked so hard to get to where he is right now #and that means a lot idk #he is full of LOVE ok he CARES ABOUT PEOPLE #wip: ghost story #fiver

[bonesandthebees]

Last one, a little bit about Phil’s comparison of the brothers. Because he does pick up on the fact that Wilbur see Tommy as better than him. So he starts out by validating Wilbur’s actions when they first arrived. Points out how controlled Wilbur was and how he knew exactly what the stakes where and when do you'll Tommy back. I’m assuming that’s part of what intrigued Phil about him at the start. There’s potential in someone so young being so away of their situation whereas Tommy on his own would have been so easy to play.

Now Phil realises that they are similar. All Wilbur’s hidden snark and impulsiveness was intrigueing too. Because Wilbur used to have a much better lid on his actions, until the stacking pressure made it pop off entirely. And now his control is gone and that impulsiveness is in full display.

What Wilbur still fails to realise is that Tommy is handling things better because he started out with less pressure and slowly got eased into it as Wilbur started dropping more and more of his composure under his own pressure. Also right now Wilbur has no idea how well Tommy is talking anything because they don’t talk. Like sparring with Techno is probably equal amount of distract to Tommy as drinking with Quackity is to Wilbur (abeit more healthy and possibly effective because there’s not much Tommy can do about the situation while Wilbur is just ignoring his issues)

-🌲

yup, phil was intrigued by wilbur at the very start because of how controlled and methodical he was. the second phil figured out why wilbur had brought him and tommy to zephys iv, he knew that he wanted to keep an eye on wilbur. because that's a very cunning move for a completely inexperienced 19 year old advisor to play. deciding to go to the head of a hostile empire solely based off the adage of, "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" is an insanely risky thing to do, but wilbur did it and it was a SMART choice. that right there is what caught phil's attention. and since then, watching wilbur completely unravel over his own pressure has been nothing short of fascinating for him to witness.

while wilbur's been breaking down on zephys iv though, tommy has been piecing himself together. the pressure has made him better. he's stressed as hell and scared shitless of the fact that his older brother isn't guiding him anymore, but he's being forced into a leadership role that while he was being prepared for, he'd never actually needed to take up until now. and he's figuring out how to handle the pressure like wilbur, but like you pointed out it's in a much healthier way. the brothers are so alike, but they're going exact opposite directions at the same time and it's so interesting to write about

#ask #spruce anon #the stars and their children

[fangedprinx]

More Fern stuff that won't make much sense without the previous context, especially because it skips over 95% of the parts about them struggling to resist being mind controlled, flip-flopping on whether to kill their captors, and then struggling to figure out who the fuck they are if they've come to like the role they were put in

cw for the weird and dysfunctional group dynamic of an adventuring group and their (formerly?) brainwashed healer

Prinx:

I like the group growing fond of the personality Fern shows more after they're certain Having A Personality won't result in being slapped with a mind control spell Snarky, haughty, possessive in some ways, caring but a bit cranky about it, embarrassed by but craving vulnerability, critically weak to affection

Kitty — Yesterday at 21:51 I love all of these things

(Prinx) — Yesterday at 21:51 It takes a lot of internal struggling for them to get to a place where they feel like they have a stable identity. They haven't forgotten what happened, but… They're happy anyway. I think their possessive and bossy impulses are a way of dealing with any lingering resentment and feeling more in control. [21:54] Like a skewed 'you wouldn't let me go so now I'm keeping you, you're mine.'

Kitty — Yesterday at 21:55 Yeee [21:56] "If this was for my own good, I'm going to make you prove it. Be good to me. Every hour of every day."

(Prinx) — Yesterday at 21:57 THIS [21:57] exactly [21:59] And also "don't you dare get hurt and make me worry, if it wasn't for all of you I wouldn't even think of worrying about anyone except myself" [22:02] Very much 'you decided how I should be, take some responsibility for it'

Kitty — Yesterday at 22:02 Yeah!! [22:03] Plugs nicely into the aspect of their pride, expecting the heroes to not just commit to what they've done, but to excel at it, even if it's to keep them like a pet

(Prinx) — Yesterday at 22:05 Ye!! The group can't just act like what they do doesn't affect how Fern feels (in many cases 'what they do' is get hurt in dangerous situations) [22:07] Fern replying to something like "well you should have thought of that before you decided to brainwash me" and 60% of the group winces a little

(Prinx) — Yesterday at 22:13 I think they get very pissed off when one of the group is gravely injured, all "who did this" and "how could you let this happen" and "I'll make whoever is responsible pay" The rest of the adventurers refuse to tell them who did it/how it happened because they're honestly being kind of scary [22:13] "What, are you afraid I'll 'relapse'? Decide I like killing more than healing again?"

Kitty — Yesterday at 22:16 I had the thought of what if when their resentment flares up and clashes with their implanted/accepted tenderness and care it feels bitter. What if it leaves a bad taste in their mouth. Like poison. [22:16] That feels good in my brain

(Prinx) — Yesterday at 22:20 Sometimes it's satisfying to express that bitterness and show their teeth a little, even if they feel bad afterwards [22:25] If it gets to be too much for them, they get tempted to go to the cleric to ask to be made to stop thinking for a while

(Prinx) — Yesterday at 22:27 I think the healthier thing to do would be to talk through the whole weird messy tangle of how they feel but I don't know how long it would take to reach the resolve to do that It's easier to ask to make the thoughts go away again [22:29] Gradually they try to hold back their bitter words as much as possible because the momentary satisfaction of it stops outweighing the hurt it seems to cause [22:31] They're a messsssss But they're trying their best

#Fern the herbalist #corrupted to good ooogh #mind control #brainwashing

[unanimousone]

J, Tues, 12/09/2023

super questioning when i work a 13 hour day and just feel hyped and kind of want to go workout. but i dont think that im going to. i think i'll just take a shower and chill out. i have to go back tomorrow, and i think i will be there til Thursday. they say that that should be our last day, but who knows how long it'll be before they act up again and do some dumb violent shit? so here i am just thinking and thinking some more. about everything. the good and the bad but the good thing is that im not really obesessing about anything specific. i usually will if something is bothering me or on the other side of the fence, if something is sooooo fucking good and i dont want it to end. but i dont really even dothat anymore because i know that it leads to rash and impulsive acts that can usually turn things from good to stupid. and thats not what i want. i mean i do obsess about you but i make it a think to have some control over it. so its in a healthier way than not. i only want things to be healthy with us. and i know that it doesnt always work that way, not at first but it can be accomplished with time and practice. something that im willing to do. more goals, baby!! i definitely have to put myself in check and see the real and not let my mind play too much games on me. and when it does i have to just remind myself that it isnt all about me and that life is happening weather i like it or not so i just have to try my best to enjoy the wins and let go of things that really shouldnt matter to me. but what if they do matter to me? and i just dont know how to go about expressing my insecurities and such? what if the things thast my mind if fucking with me about are things that really need to be addressed so that i can grow further? but no…see im so back and forth. i dont want to sound dumb but i am how i am and idk if you will like that. i think that i may come off as bugging and in all of this i really have no right to even question anything, nor is so much of anything any of my business. but the mind will still do what it does, but to be honest i have seen much improvement in myself and that is something good. i hate my negative behaviors and such and im glad that im making progress towards them. but this is only one thing to be in here and see progress. what about in person? is that gonna fuck me up completely? am i gonna have to learn a whole new level of growth? and am i ever gonna get out of my bullshit ways? i mean wtf is wrongwith me? i have a lot of work to do and i know that i dont want to push you away. i dont want to lose you. its one thing if you happen to go another route, but if im the one to cause the loss of you it would be such a disappointment and i would probably just go into questioning my worth and such, yada yada, well i guess i would feel down if you were the one to decide to go another route too, sigh…kind of hard to explain. im a fucking nut and you have me going crazy for you. its good and bad, i think. but the bad comes from my side of it all. its good because you are fucking perfect and positive and openminded, and lovely, and beautiful, and i could just go on for days. but i just have never met anyone like you and its just great. youre fucking amazing. i cant get enough. and im going to do my best in the situation of "us"

[someone-give-me-a-hug]

hey hey heyyyy

BIG SIB! It's been a hot minute, but I am back! I drank an iced tea on July 4th for you. I think I'll stick to it warm; it's so sweet! Like teeth on edge, toe-curling kinda sweet, but you know what? Didn't completely hate it, so a win is a win. Also, I very much enjoyed your joke.

Let me break down all the exams to put it into perspective:

Maths x 3 Science x 6 (All three sciences - Chem, Bio, and Physics - have 2 papers) BaV x 3 History x 2 English Lit English Lang French x 4 Drama :)))))))) We get our results in August, and I'm so nervous!

Thank you for your kind words about my awards! I'm so proud of myself, not even bragging or anything. I worked hard, and it worked out for me. Honestly, I'm so happy.

I will update you on my journey to become the general of the bird army (although currently, it consists of the magpie that has taken to waking me up by tapping on my bedroom window and looking at me... no, I'm not kidding, it genuinely does that at least once every other week).

I promise you I EAT SEASONED FOOD. I USE MORE THAN SALT AND PEPPER, I PROMISE. That being said, I don't think I've ever had coriander before.

Also, I love the fact you got to see the birdies! I love birds. Birds rock. And a beta fish! That's so cool. I'm a firm believer that impulse buying makes things so much better, and Mr. Grumpy seems so cool.

OOOO news: I went to the cinema for the first time in... OMG (I just looked, that's a live reaction right there. Quality content). It's been 5 years. That's mad. Anyway, I went to watch the new Barbie movie, and then I went back and saw it a second time. I don't know if you've watched it (or if you will), so I won't say too much apart from the fact that I sobbed so hard both times.

It's taught me so much, which sounds silly, but it's taught me it's okay to be myself and to be proud of how far I've come and grown and how much healthier I am now. I also did sit in my room for an hour after listening to Billie Eilish's song with pictures of baby me scattered around like I was in a movie montage... Barbie also taught me not to do that unless I want to cry. Very therapeutic, though.

I also got a bunch of my auntie's old clothes yesterday, so I didn't have to shop for new clothes. They are all very nice and very pretty.

AND a fun history fact for you (sprung to mind after you mentioned harvest season): where I live, they banned knitting. Knitting got banned during the harvest season because it was such a large industry there weren't enough farmhands and people in the farming industry to keep up with the demand.

I have also been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers (still a little ropey on the whole how to pray since mine still start with 'hey um I don't know if you can hear me.' You'd think being raised in religious schools and going to Sunday school until I was kicked out for telling the guy he smelled of onions... in my defense, I was like 6 with no social cues. I was only kicked out because I refused to call him anything other than onion man. Looking back, that's hilarious to me.

Random question, but you wouldn't know how to strengthen nails, would you? Mine are getting long, but they are a little weak, so thought I'd ask haha.

Thinking of you!

Little sib :)

[dzpenumbra]

12/19/22

Rough day. Very little sleep. Wrote a very long text to my mom, trying to explain how fucked up our situation is from a 3rd person perspective, which I really need to stop doing. I guess my impulsivity takes some non-traditional forms. I impulsively try to do other peoples' therapeutic work for them. It's really not good at all.

I slept like absolute garbage. I had night terrors. I woke up freaked out, sweating, shaking, white knuckled, teeth clenched. It was bad. I only got 5 hours of sleep, I just stayed up. I chilled for a bit, tried to decompress. I smoked. I ended up listening to a lot of music and writing my music/rant thing I posted earlier.

I did the yoga again, it was even easier than last time. Such a cool feeling. Don't get me wrong, it's very difficult, but it gets easier each time which is awesome. I signed up for a 30 day yoga-at-home thing that I'm going to do starting on New Years. That was a much healthier impulse decision. And I finally stopped payments on my Minecraft server. Because that was getting fucking sad. And they demanded to know why I was cancelling my payments on my server, so I wrote "My friend decided to ditch and I couldn't find any new friends. That was like... 3 months ago... and I think I'm done renting an empty server. Sorry. I might come back if I find like-minded people."

I ordered chinese food. (It was... okay...) I got my packages from the package room when I picked it up. My new whiteboard got here, I was really excited. It's like a rolled up mat and its a big magnet so you can just stick it to the fridge. It works really well, and it's really big, like 16x24 or something. I started getting it prepped up to do a meal plan and groceries... I literally wrote the word "MEALS" and I dropped my brand new dry-erase marker. And it rolled under the fridge. And I was fucking hyperfocused on this task, I was locked the fuck in, so I was like... "welp, we're fishing this marker out now, that's what's going on." So I grabbed Max's fishing rod toy thing, laid flat on the kitchen floor and started fishing it out. And I heard someone very close to me - not sure if it was next door or underneath me - say "really, dude? come on." And I softly but audibly said "please just give me five minutes, I don't want to just give up on this."

I spent like 25 minutes trying to get this fucking pen out from under the fridge. I refused to give up. I ended up moving the entire fridge like 3 times. And I got it. I got the fucking pen. I have it right next to me. But... okay... I feel bad, because I have no awareness of how much sound I make. I have lived alone a VERY long time. I have zero perspective of how the sound that I generate carries to locations that are not... my ears... How would I know? So I try to be super, super mindful of making noise. Especially late at night. I mean, I basically tip-toe around my own apartment every night, and it's a lot of unnecessary stress. But you know, when the most common social interactions you have are being accused, blamed or yelled at... you kinda evolve to... expect it? And to do your very best to avoid it. Even if it's unlikely.

Meanwhile, the neighbors upstairs are constantly making tons of noise, and they even watched a movie tonight. And the neighbors on the other side of my kitchen wall have a dog... who barks pretty much every day. And I really don't mind it at all, but like... bro... I'm fishing a marker out from under my fridge. Like... just put a song on and you won't hear anything. Please. I really don't need to get yelled at for that. I'm still recovering from being yelled at, I'm super, super jumpy and... even this frustrated whisper just... made me emotionally curl up in a ball. And get sad. And get frustrated.

Welcome to my daily life.

On the plus side, I got my Brita filter jug thing set up, so that's cool, I hope it will encourage me to drink more water. And the box was perfectly Max-sized, so I took a blanket that used to be on my studio comfy chair and lined the box and just put it in the middle of the room and I shit you not, she has been sleeping in it all day long. She loves it. And I want to build a little frame for it and put it in the windowsill so she can get some sun in the mornings and watch the birds and squirrels outside. I think she'll love it.

Since I lost all of my to-do lists yesterday. Yep. Thanks a lot, Apple. Never fucking storing a to-do list on my phone again, I swear. Since I lost all like 4 of my to-do lists, I have been plotting to bring the whiteboards back full-force. Whiteboards strategically placed in visible and highly trafficked areas around my house have been my #1 most effective tool for executive functioning. By leaps and bounds. Paper lists get lost. Phone apps... I have to remember to open them, or I just get so numb to the notification vibrations that I just ignore them. But if I walk past a gigantic fuck-off whiteboard every day and train myself to check in with it? No way I'm missing that. And this has worked historically for extended periods of time.

So I got the little one set up. It used to be for meals and groceries, but since I have the fridge one now... this small one is going to be a visible reminder for Repeat Projects. I want to put it right above my monitor. So if it's work time and I don't have a project I'm actively working on... I have a list of 10 things I can start working on. Shape/polish stones, wrap stones, carve wooden beads, weave cordage, wood carving, tarot study, sketchdaily, poetry/lyrics, poetry illustration (for my book), and clothing art. So if I'm not locked in on a project that day, I have a wide variety of inspiration sitting visibly in a location I go to every morning. Seems like it'll work well.

And I just finished working on the BIG whiteboard. I didn't make a lot of progress. I don't have a system. I used to do like... a grid, with spaces to check things off. Stream, exercise, socialize, edit, shit like that. I'm tempted to do like... a symbol system or something? But I'm just... I'm drawing a blank on what to even put on it. I want to track yoga, meditation, maybe even have space for like... checking in with my vitals: food, water, sleep, confidence. And I want to allocate space for like... breaking my big-scale projects into smaller chunks, and giving myself the option of recording those small chunks as daily accomplishments, as well as progress towards big goals. Like the poetry book, I need to brainstorm illustrations for it, look for like... how the fuck you even get started publishing, what you do... then, do that... And actually do the illustrations too. So... a LOT of steps in there. But if I break it down into tiny things, like "decide if I want illustrations for every piece or just a few." Or "find out one thing I can do to move the process of getting published forward." That's something I can and will definitely tackle. So having those visible right next to my daily/weekly accomplishment log feels like a very good psychological association to make.

I am ridiculously tired. I've been nodding off all day but never slept. If I had a futon, I would have passed out on it today, 100%.

No plan for tomorrow, I need to breathe and shed the pressure a bit, I'm still very raw and discombobulated. So my plan is to... prep for when it's time to add structure. Then, when I get my strength back, I have the tools I need to get shit done.

But I really need to get to the grocery store soon, I'm getting super low on food and this delivery shit is insanely expensive.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts