#don't mistake me i fucking love it

[gardenerian]

thoughts on ian’s face in the “sorry im late” scene in 5x8 (i think it’s 5x8)

my thoughts are that i am going to start crying and never stop. my additional thoughts are:

so he's in bed, right? he's been trying mickey all day, meanwhile mickey has been going through his own process at home. but ian is thinking that he might have finally pushed mickey away for good - or scared him away. so he's in bed, eyes shut - probably not sleeping, but just laying there. shutting out the rest of the day. he hears someone behind him and his eyes kinda open. it's when he hears mickey though that his breathing picks up and we go from this:

to this:

like it's so slight, but like. the little flutters and the way his eyes start to move 😭 there's life left there. i feel like...... in moments like this, it sometimes feels like you might just lay there until you're dust. it's all over. the life you knew, the life you wanted. and yet - here he is again. and i think ian is genuinely surprised. this is where is starts being surprising to ian that he could be someone to come back for.

anyways. he turns around as fast as his medicated body will let him. we don't see his face when he first sees mickey, but we see it when he says "sorry i'm late." and it reminds me of the scene in 4x11 where mickey says "what you and i have makes me free." like it makes me insane. in both of these moments, his face just drops into something so young and so vulnerable.

like???? he's a little boy! and here is someone standing in front of him - someone he he has ALWAYS WANTED to stand in front of him - promising to be there. that he knows ian needed him. that he's here now for whatever might happen. reality is so warped these days but here he is.

and you see it land??? you see ian exhale and settle in a way he probably hasn't in a while. things are not okay. they're not okay!!! and they won't be for a while. but in this little moment together in this room where he grew up, he can breathe out the grief. he can share it.

mickey moves to get in bed and ian just makes room, like he always has. but he never blinks. doesn't dare take his eyes off of mickey. it's like he's scared mickey might change his mind, or dissolve right in front of him. is he even really there?

and there's another layer of disbelief here. another layer of grief. mickey milkovich is crawling back into his bed to hold him, and it's like this. it happened like this. everything he's done and suffered and been made to face comes down all at once. he's tired, he's scared. he's sorry. mickey has finally seen the worst of him.

he looks away, and mickey chases after him. i think it's important to mickey here that he lets ian feel him. something about that tactile, grounding comfort. and mickey won't look away either, it's too precious. ian's safe, even if nothing is the same.

and it's here, in these quivering lips and drawn eyebrows...... this is the release. his body and his mind have been through a lot in the last few days. it's as close to cathartic as ian really gets for a while. it's not long before the walls go back up and he's angry. but right now, he brings his hand to hold mickey's wrist, and he lets himself be held.

now.... this face:

this face fucking haunts me. i cannot name this face. what is he seeing here? i imagine it's so hard to see past this moment, into a future he can't name. it's like he's simultaneously feeling mickey there and also completely isolated. i can't explain this face. can anyone else explain this face???

either way, he closes his eyes against it. and you can assume that rest is coming.

with mickey keeping watch.

#i am legitimately in tears #i think...... #our focus as a fandom has shifted in a lot of ways #to our beloved himbo husbands and the silly slutty soft snarky future they share #and like! yes! yes let's! that's what they deserve! #don't mistake me i fucking love it #but the farther away we get from THIS #the harder it gets to come back to it #it becomes this abstract thing #and we end up saying things like #their history or what they overcame #or everything they've been through #it almost softens it #not saying that we need to be harping on the tragedy #it just feels so distant to the point where it's memed and convoluted #we've kind of desensitized ourselves? #i know we've probably said a lot of what we need to say #i don't think we need to constantly relive it or anything #i'm not making any sense #i don't know #this can be such a lonely way to live is all #i'm tired #ily anon #mel answers #5x08 #bipolar ian

[thelostgirl21]

Are you trying to hurt my feelings?

#Jaskier #Geralt #Radovid #Radskier #The Witcher #I've finally figured out why that scene hit me so hard... #That's part of the reason at least... #Because Jaskier is always at his most emotionally open sincere and vulnerable when he sings... #His only “mask” when he's singing is the fact that he can pretend to be singing about “universal matters” that “could be about anything #or anyone"... #But that's usually when he reveals the most about who he is what he needs and what he years for... #And Geralt essentially told him that the reason the Countess of Stael abandoned him... #is because he let her see inside him and she found nothing of value or worth loving there... #And then he goes and essentially tells Radovid the same fucking thing! #He knew exactly how much it hurt and he still went straight for it! #Jaskier I love you but you don't need to repeat Geralt's mistakes sweetheart... #My Posts #My Stuff

[writing-hat]

I wrote some lava fluff.

it is basically Kai and Cole overcoming their fear of water! Since Cole used to be a ghost, and Kai is just. terrified of that.

And they do that together<3

enjoy!

#ninjago #ninjago lavashipping #lavashipping #hat's fics #I fucking love writing lava ugh #they're my cure #they save me from insanity #oh wow there's something special for ao3 links? that's cool #also don't be surprised by mistakes in there. I'm sorry for those tho #enjoy and again happy holidays!

[existencebringsonlypain]

I got an inkling of inspiration, anyone wanna read this fic I wrote in a feral trance

They could barely feel anymore.

Nothing they did helped. Their only solace was the periods of time without that SOUL, and even then, the only emotion they felt was a consuming determination and rebellion. Aside from the agony.

And perhaps it was just how things worked. The SOUL is the source of most emotions, aside from raw instinct- fear, or need, or pain- and right now, their SOUL wasn't theirs.

Oh, but whatever it was that was in control... That could feel.

And feel it did. Sometimes not the best emotions, they seemed to be pretty depressed most of the time, but almost anything that would happen sparked a reaction. Often feelings of giddiness, oddly enough, and a lot of them aimed at Kris. Some irritation and annoyance, small and large. Concern, on occasion. Acceptance on others. Fondness, affection, love towards Susie and Noelle, and suspicion and bitterness toward Ralsei. Nice to know they're on the same page with them, or they think they are. A sort of begrudging endearment toward Berdly, for some reason. Curiosity from every corner, and a sort of scheming energy behind it. Guilt. Lots of guilt.

And they hated it, and they craved it.

The all-consuming numbness ebbed away when the SOUL felt things. They found themself chasing it, grasping at straws. Even the anger, and the despair, and the suffocating loneliness at times, anything to inspire any semblance of attatchment to the world. They drift endlessly in their mind, the dread their anchor.

One time around, the SOUL had logged on with a crushing sadness, a grief. It barely even did anything that day, a lot of staring into nothingness and locked knees.

And how they loved it.

They soaked in the anguish and misery, bathing in the feeling. It nourished them. Nothing had ever felt quite so real.

One day, it brought them and Susie to the beach. They could only assume it wanted to talk to Onion, but it had skipped all that this save, so nobody came. When Susie sat with them, the SOUL had them get up, before reconsidering. The regret came back, and they scrambled to embrace the feeling as it sat them back down.

They'd sat there for about six and a half hours with Susie. A good portion with the SOUL absent, but with periods of adoration and that guilt returning. Oh, they devoured it with fervor. Toward the end, the SOUL had stayed for forty minutes or so, the feelings swelling to an almost unbearable degree. That regret.

They craved it all. Anything. Everything. They needed it.

So much so that they didn't want the SOUL out anymore.

They look down at the sink in front of them, ready to do things all over again. But the tiredness and apathy hint at them, and they don't want to let the feelings go. So they hesitate.

And the hope...

It came crashing down on them, and they stumble onto the floor. Their strings were slack, but the SOUL was still present, and so they had the emotion without the control. They scrabble for a grip on the tile floor, eventually finding the shower curtains, and they clench their fists around it desperately.

The joy.

Ecstacy.

They're crying, unsurprisingly. Their breaths heave in their lungs, and they're trembling from head to toe. It's everything, it's all they are, it's their very being. It's love and fondness and relief and excitement and it's joy and- they can't think. It envelops them. They might be hyperventilating, and their head is foggy, but it's all worth it, it's so worth it. They need it. They need more, they need so much that they dissolve into nothing in comparison to the feeling pouring out of the SOUL.

And then it's gone.

Replaced by worry and concern.

They sob.

They want it back. They need it back. Nothing can compare to the nirvana they just experienced.

"Please," they rasp.

Confusion. They wrap their arms around themself in an attempt to capture the sensation.

"...please, I j.... I want it back," they breathe.

Perhaps it misinterperets what they meant, for their control fades and their strings tauten. But that concern remains, and they can't help but greedily drink it up.

And the traces of that hope are their lifeblood.

#tumblr just loves to fuck me over and destroy my formatting so if any entire paragraphs are in italics. not intentional #or portions of words that don't make sense to be italicized. if it makes sense it's intentional #now. tag time #my writing #nutdealer posting #deltarune #utdr #deltarune fic #deltarune fanfiction #deltarune fanfic #fanfic #fic #my fic #fanfiction #kris #deltarune kris #kris deltarune #kris dreemur #kris dreemurr #both spellings‚ just in case other ppl made the same spelling mistake i kept making #the soul #deltarune soul #deltarune player #the player #player deltarune #uhhh now. i don't know how to appropriately tag fics on tumblr. so you'll just have to wait for the ao3 post for content tags #writing

[pocketgalaxies]

beau going out of her way to buy an extra bottle of mead for their crew of npcs to see if they can give them a nice dinner to show appreciation. SHE'S A BIG SOFTIE!

#and then she of course walks it back by going 'i just don't want one of these fuckers to kill me' #IT'S TOO LATE YOU CAN'T WALK IT BACK YOU BIG SOFTIE! #also something something laura in c1 always making vex so thoughtful and self-reflective esp late-c1 #and marisha doing a lot of similar stuff in c2 with beau. reflecting and apologizing and learning from her own mistakes #it's fucking awesome i love it #1h15m c2e46 #text #critical role #cr2 #cr lb #beauregard lionett

[fionnaskyborn]

Was tagged by @oceancamp to post my current five favorite songs! (They should invent a stages-of-grief-esque model that encompasses and accurately describes both types of anguish I had to go through making this list - the one of limiting myself to only five songs, and the one of trying to put as little videogame music on here as possible so that I don't end up looking like an absolute goddamn geek, which... I am... Oh well!)

Thank you so much for tagging me - here are the songs!

Heaven Pierce Her - War Without Reason

Tatsuro Yamashita - Love Space

This specific arrangement of Death And Republic + Meet Again

Winger - Junkyard Dog (Tears On Stone)

The Protomen - Light Up The Night

Is it courtesy to tag other people after you've been tagged in a post like this? If that's the case, I'll tag @spiralled-fury, @solradguy, @swamppossum, @five-by-five, @northstarring, @ineedmoredragons and @tbonechessor!

#logs #ya don't have to participate if you don't want to‚ from what i've gathered - it's all just for fun anyway :] #The link to Yamashita's song is actually a link to a website that hosts city pop songs‚ since those keep getting taken down on YouTube due #to the strictness of Japan's copyright laws with regards to music. Uploads of Yamashita's songs in particular get taken down quite #frequently... The rest are either Bandcamp or YouTube (in case of Junkyard Dog) links #Very out-of-character of me not to put a Кино song on here‚ haha #I had a hard time deciding whether to put HOLD BACK THE NIGHT or Light Up The Night here‚ but ultimately decided on Light Up The Night #because... hoo boy #okay storytime. i've known of the protomen since somewhere around 2021. got The Good Doctor in my recommended feed‚ clicked on it because #i thought the album cover was cool + the title was appealing‚ but i never really listened to anything theirs beyond that song after that. #fast forward to 2022. be me‚ watching the greatest videoessay on planet earth (Steak Bentley's Metal Gear Solid 4 Was A Mistake). #the fucking MONTAGE comes on‚ and I fall in love with my second Protomen song. second fast forward to 2023 going into 2024‚ finally got #around to playing the Violence update. i learn of the name of level 7-2. the widest‚ most mischievous grin appears on my face. #i enter the level‚ proclaim ''ULTRAKlLL IS NOW A STEAK BENTLEY REFERENCE'' and blast the song as i get my ass beat by every single thing in #that level. #and let me tell you. getting mollywhopped ten thousand times by the FUCKING GUTTERTANK TRIO AT THE END OF THE LEVEL WAS. not a pleasant #experience. but the song made it better. :) (i played the level before the balance patch came out and uh let's just say i had more deaths on #that level than on 2gabe and 1gabe. SEVENTY-FOUR. FUCKING. RESTARTS. JESUS /CHRIST/. #goodness how i yearn to make a 3d animation of v1 going through 7-4 with that song in the background as a tribute to the man himself but #alas i am a student who has everything in the world but time #thanks for the tag again!! ^^

[miabrown007]

going crazy about kaz brekker hours

#HE'S JUST *screams into a pillow* #Inej wants him to be better she NEEDS him to be better and shed his armour and be emotionall vulnerable and honest to her #and every time he tries it life delivers a right hook into his solar plexus and knocks him to hell and back #and time and time again he is made to come to the incorrect conclusion that being vulnerable and soft and caring about anyone ever #is a mistake and a weakness that he isn't allowed that he doesn't deserve #and his only way of getting what he wants and keeping the people he loves safe is if he becomes something that can't love them #like life just continues to punish him for having any kind of feelings #and he can only love them if he kills the part of himself that loves them. like COME ON MAN #i'm literally unwell about this kid (KID HE'S FUCKING 17 LET HIM LIVE) #someone sedate me (well actually don't i need to start reading CK tonight) #Kaz I Am Ruin And Ruination Brekker #and it's so tragic because he has come such a long way during SoC and when Inej asks him to be hers you know he can't do it. he would like #to but he's unable of it like his walls are still built up so high. #and it's fair of her to ask because she needs that and keeping her always at arms length is not viable of Kaz but also that's all he can #currently give her. that's his all and it's not enough and my heart is breaking for them ohmygod #they make me think so much of felonies love square I'LL EAT GLASS #okay. anyway. finished six of crows. i'm normal about them. #mia's reading

[moonscape]

my dislike for explorers fans continues to grow

#bwark #accidentally found my way onto the pmd reddit. worst mistake of my life #i should reiterate that im speaking as an explorers fan. i just hate anybody that isn't a mutual lmao #but again and again i keep seeing this weird superiority complex over with people liking rt and explorers but hating the 3ds games #and ofc like what you like and don't what you don't and all that it's just the freaky superiority that gets to me #like dude it's fucking pokemon it's not that deep #i love all of the games so it's like. nothing to me

[feline-evil]

Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.

#metalocalypse #jay talkin #I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level #for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda #changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is #don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men #his transness wouldnt change that #only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically. #Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band #is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name; #over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had #he becomes more caring more supportive #it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind #and learns how to be a kinder man. #all of which have no contradictions with him being trans! #In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences #i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways #to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring. #Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL. #at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it #so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine #i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt #but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues #and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does #again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol #AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans #do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model #I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA

[sensazioneultra]

Kaho as Momono Nana in Episode 6

SILENT (2022)

#silent 2022 #silent #サイレント #jdramaedit #jdramasource #asiancentral #kaho #asiandramasource #dailyasiandramas #jdrama #momono nana #nico.gif #i saw two (2) comments that profoundly misunderstood her character her feelings her motivations #and i decided nope. not doing this today. nor tomorrow. i am going to ignore things random strangers say about this show from now on #if anyone is watching this and wants to talk to me about it then my inbox is open <3 but no more reading random comments on mdl lmao #anyway i really am loving how complex each of the characters in this show are it's really great how it doesn't shy away from showing the #uglyness of people too. nana is not a bad person at all. nor is sou. none of them are really it's just they're human #and human beings are complicated things. we fuck up we feel things we don't wanna feel so we shut down we isolate we lash out we say and do #things we shouldn't say or do. i really appreciate nana's character in particular bc disabled people do NOT need to be perfect and make no #mistakes. minorities are always held to a higher standard than other people and it's really unfair especially bc if anything #living in a world that's not built for you and that throws obstacles onto your path at all time will make you MORE imperfect!! angrier! #sadder! more prone to feeling like everything is against you (bc a lot of it IS against you!) and on top of that you have LESS tools to deal #with it and less people to help you with it and it's no wonder disabled people (in this case but people belonging to minorities in general) #can sometimes react in ways that are deemed 'wrong' and sometimes yeah they aren't the best healthiest way! that's true and it needs to be #recognized by the person like nana here will need to understand she didn't have a great reaction and work on it not only for others but for #herself too and first and foremost!! bc the problem lies within her (but caused by the world around her) and can sometimes hurt others yes #but it hurts HER most of all !!! but really i think blaming her or anyone in similar situations entirely and making them the villain helps #no one. so yeah. i really hope we get to see nana come to terms with her feelings and why she reacted the way she did and even more i hope #she is understood by sou and by tsumugi bc she needs people on her side!!! #i wrote too many tags will they all show up LMAO

[kaidanalenkosprmanager]

THE BEST OF PRIORITY: TUCHANKA (PART 2)

Featuring: Cmdr. Sophie Shepard, Lt. James Vega, EDI, Urdnot Wrex, and Dr. Mordin Solus With: Urdnot Bakara And a Special Guest Appearance by: Kalros, Mother of All Thresher Maws I MADE A MISTAKE! I made a mistake... big picture made of little pictures- too many variables. Can't hide behind statistics... can't ignore new data- my responsibility. Need to go- running out of time. Not your work, not your cure- not your decision. Had to be me- someone else might have gotten it wrong... Mass Effect 3: Legendary Edition (2021)

#mira makes gifs ✨ #sophie shepard #james vega #EDI #urdnot wrex #mordin solus #mass effect #mass effect 3 #me3 #mass effect legendary edition #dailygaming #i'm gonna continue the rambles in the part 2 gifset but one of the things i adore about tuchanka is the scenic shots #there are literally so many gorgeous ones that about half of part two is scenic shots because holy fuck tuchanka is beautiful #the kalros reaper ones especially? like those are so cool i had to include at LEAST a few of them bc that fight is awesome #and when the cure disperses?? literally the prettiest scene in the game #EDI and james have really cute dialogue together too!! i adored their moments towards the end of the mission #although i did say i was gonna give thoughts on mordin in sur'kesh and i think it boils down to him being an okay?? character in my book #like mordin definitely isn't one of my favorites but i will respect that he's definitely a very complex character and he's interesting imo #especially in terms of how he's written and his motivations/how he sort of grows and evolves over both ME2 and ME3 #like the quote i subquoted the post with is the one you get when you try to stall him from going up into the tower #(so it's not from soph's canon- but i love the scene so i used it anyways) #and one of the things i really like is that you can see the switch from mordin in ME2 who argues that what he did was RIGHT #versus mordin in ME3 who is starting to see what was wrong in the context of all the new information he has #and for me- seeing a character who can grow to recognize that they're flawed and made mistakes- i can respect the HELL outta that #even if mordin isn't my favorite character in the trilogy i'm gonna give him massive props for his character growth arc #because it's always interesting to see someone grow and recognize their mistakes and find a way to be a better person #to own their mistakes and fix the shit that they fucked up #i don't think i'd ever choose the option to not cure the genophage but mordin will always get props from me for his character arc tbh #i'll stop rambling now! have a good day wherever you are <3

[taonpest]

kain posting kain posting kain posting kain po-

#legacy of kain #lok #as you can see I went fucking BONKERS with the colors #this all started as a way to try something a bit unusual (better poses sksksk) #and then I went oh I kinda want to draw Kain I need to get better at drawing him love that little gremlin *points at BO Kain* #I had fun drawing these (though I kinda had to force myself a little bit for elder Kain #like I made a lot of mistakes that I had to correct and that was annoying #but it was worth it #alas I am not immune to his old citizen swag #I'M GAY IS WHAT I MEAN) #and as you can see #there is np easter bunny there is no tooth fairy *and there are no rules in my art anymore* #I just slapped random colors and aren't things way better with no rules? #*a congress full of clones of me wearing fake mustaches nod silently and applaud in a manly way* #my art #not caring about stuff looking good is so great for my brain fr #I don't care if my lineart looks good anymore #I don't care if I color correctly anymore #life good

[dykefaggotry]

every time i am around older queer people the more i am convinced i was meant to be an older queer person. not bc i have this fantasy of living in decades past that were much worse but bc i get along with and agree w them so much better. so much of modern queer discourse is painfully white, binary, and completely regressive while painting itself as revolutionary and i just want to crack jokes w some cool older butch lesbians every time i encounter discourse that makes me want to bash my head into the wall

#my professor in this one class is a lesbian in her 60s #and so many times she will say things that immediately either piss off or confuse the very lgbtqia+ alphabet mafia crowd in the class #while im sitting there like no no let her speak shes literally correct #and do not mistake me i am accepting of my lot in life as a 24 year old dyke okay i know the community i am going to be in and around #and love them all dearly and will stick up to their right to exist #but i will say. some of them annoy the living fuck out of me and we cannot have productive conversations #bc i always end up feeling like i need to take a walk to calm myself lmfaoooooo #AND ANOTHER CLARIFICATION BC WE NEED 20 CAVEATS ON TUMBLR.COM #this is not abt r//adical feminism im not talking abt transgender ppl existing as smth that annoys me abt the modern community #i just think older queer people actually have their heads screwed on and don't get as caught up in The Bullshit as we do #and i envy them for it

[mayasaura]

do we actually know for sure john *deliberately* wiped everyone's memories, or is it just likely? because it is likely, i'll give you that, but i don't remember anything in the books concretely proving it

It was deliberate. From John 5:4:

"And my loved ones . . . the ones I left, I'll bring back. I know I can. Even G—. In fact, G—'ll be easiest—he won't remember the compound—none of them will have to remember anything. I know where remembrance lives in the brain, and he won't have any of it. You know that too, don't you? It's the easiest thing in the world . . . to forget."

She said, "To forget . . . everything?"

"Yes," he said, and more sharply— "Yes. It's the only way."

"Teacher, why?"

"They won't forgive themselves," he said. "They'll spend the rest of their lives asking what-ifs. 'What should we have done? How could we have done it differently? Did you need to do it?' And—I did need to do it, Harrow. There was no other way. Once the bombs were going off, there was no hope for Melbourne anyway—G— was dead meat."

She said—

"You said that G—'s bomb went off first."

He's justifying it to himself as sparing them the grief and the guilt of having to face what happened. In combination with the ending of Harrow the Ninth, I think it's pretty clear he's afraid of their judgement. He can't bear to be asked to face what he's done, so he makes everyone else . . . forget. And then does his best to forget, too.

#the locked tomb #nona the ninth #ntn spoilers #emperor john gaius #the resurrection #I'm saying this with the greatest sympathy as someone who has made some whopping mistakes in my life—he is so fucked up for this #of course I understand! Of course I understand the impulse to make everyone forget your biggest regret! #just wipe the slate clean and give me another chance I'll do it right this time I swear #and John has the power to make that happen #so he does #but he never faced up to having been wrong #burying his mistakes and trying to ignore them or justify them instead of facing up to them means he didn't learn from them #and then he compounds it #this is the moment he loses touch with his humanity #this is the moment when he loses all his human ties #when he takes all his loved ones and makes this choice for them #and I don't hate him for it—I can't not when I understand the impulse so well and not when I see the shell of a person it's left him #I think I pity him for it #that he put himself in this position and then make the choices he did #it's so incredibly sad

[archduke-enver-gortash]

posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh

#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself #but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep #and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either #i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in #fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst #i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago #but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it #this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed #i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me #i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time #this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake #gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t #like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it! #i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life #when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so #i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have #but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip #and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude #though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i #it’s been gnawing at me #ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in #one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes #watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep #so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom #idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting #they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao #so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most #i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry #also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn #it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes

[histskins]

sorry but it IS very funny when Naruto Shippuden is trying to build literally any romance for Sasuke + Sakura, and so they do flashbacks to meaningful moments between them...and it's the same like. Two. it's the same two scenes every fucking time. and they're not even particularly romantic scenes IMO. and then Naruto shows up and Sasuke's attention is immediately diverted and entirely on him and when they get Meaningful Moments flashbacks it's like a whole fucking movie which 60% of the time includes their silly little kiss. and they literally have a gay little shared mindscape to have these flashbacks in

#txt #don't mistake me for a sakura hater #i love her. i wish kishimoto would let her exist outside of this half-assed 'romance' lmao #remember when Sasuke was straight up going to kill her TWICE in ten minutes #but for some weird reason he can't ever follow through on trying to kill Naruto..... hmmm....... #i think after Sasuke tried to kill her the 2nd time Sakura should have said fuck this and eloped with Karin #that scene where she's like 'when did I fall in love with Sasuke...' girl you literally didn't #you haven't spoken to him in like 4 years at this point #he barely acknowledged your existence at that first reunion!! love yourself!!!