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[thylaseraph]

JANUARY, 1995

It’s a shooting day and Dean’s ears are ringing with the pop of the .22 that’s growing heavy in his hands. At Bobby’s house he always has to wear earmuffs when he shoots; usually Dean complains because they look stupid, but right now his ears are so frozen he’s wishing he had a pair of his own.

He points the muzzle at the ground and shakes his head out, cupping a stiff hand to his cheek. There’s exactly zero blood flow happening in his face, and the cold makes each shot ring out so loudly he has to try not to flinch. And his socks are wet. Pretty miserable shit.

John’s on his way back from replacing the target, face grim.

“How’d I do?” Dean calls. Too loud, judging from the way his dad scowls.

“You’re blowing through ammo and you only got six on the page.”

Dean slumps. “Crap.”

“Yeah, it is. You need to get your shit together, I can tell your heart isn’t in this. You reload yet?”

Dean sniffles, even though he can’t feel his nose, either. “No.”

“No?”

“No, sir.”

“So get going. Show me you can do better.”

Dean’s fingers feel like ten useless icicles. He slides the chamber open and clink-clink-clinks ten bullets inside, then carefully closes the action. The Beretta is a testy bitch that jams constantly. Dad only trusts it for training and seems likely to chuck it soon.

He barely seems affected by the chill. Mostly he looks bored. “Go on and take a few steps forward. Ladies’ tee until you get ‘em all on the page, and then we’ll think about moving you back again.”

Dean’s skin crawls with embarrassment and he wants to protest—he could do better if it were warmer and if he weren’t so tired already—but obediently he moves closer to the target.

“Alright.”

He raises the gun and clicks the safety off. He’s probably more cautious with it than John cares, but he’d rather be safe than sorry.

The target is a sheet of paper with orange circles pinned to a stump surrounded by casings. He lines the center up in his sight and then aims a little lower to compensate because the Beretta shoots high. God, if Dean could get his hands on that ivory-grip Colt, he’d die happy.

He empties her out, gets about nine bullets on the page. Four of them land tight in the center. The stray shot is only because he overcorrected his aim at first.

He turns back to his dad with a grin on his face, feeling pretty proud. There’s a pleasant buzz of warm feeling in his nose and eartips along with the ringing in his ears as he traipses back to the ammo box. “Not so crappy, huh?”

John shakes his head. “Dunno where you learned to be such a brag.”

“What am I supposed to be, humble? Pass.” He squats by the box, breathing on his numb hands before delicately picking up the bullets. “Hard pass.”

“Being humble is what keeps you alive. Nine out of ten only seems good on a target that doesn’t move. It isn’t your best—or it shouldn’t be.” John’s silence is as unforgiving as his voice. Dean watches his words sink through the winter air like smoke.“We stay here until you can actually hit what you’re aiming at.”

Through no fault of his own, Dean’s mouth is suddenly letting loose the complaint he’s been trying to hold in. “Come on, give me a break, Dad. It’s freezing, and I’m tired, and I’m about to have frostbite on my carpal tunnel. I feel like I can barely pull the damn trigger!”

His father’s boots crush against the frozen ground louder than a gun. He looks up quickly, stomach dropping. Dad and his rifle make a stark silhouette against the cold white sky above.

“You don’t ever speak to me like that again. You sound like your brother, like some insolent child, not a man I’d trust with my weapon. I know I taught you better than this. When lives depend on you, are you still gonna be making excuses? Are you gonna be whining about the weather when it’s your bad aim that gets somebody killed? Is it gonna be the trigger’s fault when you get yourself killed?”

“No, sir,” Dean replies, heart beating in his throat.

“You’re laughing, you’re fucking around, I can see you’re not taking this seriously. You still don’t understand the stakes. Think about Sam—you know whose fault it’ll be if you can’t take care of him or the lives you say you want to protect?”

“My fault, sir. Dad, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry. Don’t be begging for respect when you haven’t earned it. The only reason we’re still out here is you. You being cold and tired right now is on you. This is all in your control. Your life is in your own hands, nobody else’s. Do you understand that?”

His eyes are so heavy.

Dean nods and looks down, unable to speak. He is so stupid.

The dry air is hurting his head; he won’t be surprised if they get back to the cabin and find Sam with a bloody nose. Kid’s got a fragile sinus. The sooner Dean makes this, the sooner they can get back. He loads fast.

“Sam told me that you went hunting,” John says, tone slipping back to conversational.

“Yeah,” Dean says, grateful as he slides the clip home. “Bobby showed us how to do animal calls.”

“Being able to hunt and eat what you’ve killed is important. For when you have to keep yourself fed, but for building character, too. A hunter should be able to hunt.”

“And fish,” Dean adds. “Hey, we should go again soon.”

John nods, the barest hint of warmth. “My point is, everything you need to survive should be in your power. Your gun is your second most important tool after grit. Even when you won’t know if you will survive, you have to know that you can survive.”

Dean nods, and after a few seconds of silence, he supplies, “Bobby makes good venison chili.” He doesn’t mention that Bobby specifically said John was not invited to any of his suppers.

“You get one?” John asks. “A deer?”

Dean stands slowly, thumbing the safety. He doesn’t click it off, yet, and he keeps it pointed at the ground. Like Bobby keeps cussing him out about. “Not yet.”

“Why not?”

Dean’s mouth is sour, the pit in his stomach is growing again, and somehow he’s sweating. John sounds like he knows the answer why.

Dean clicks the safety off and Dad doesn’t even look twice, just waits. Dean walks back to his spot and gets into position. Behind him, John sighs. He sounds so tired.

“If you can’t even kill a deer, how do you think you’re gonna be able to shoot things that look human?”

Dean aims at the target and tries to breathe. The freeze is in his lungs, now, January’s teeth seizing his insides so every inhale is sharp. The target wavers in his sight as he tries to keep his hands still. It’s just an orange circle. Just a tree stump. Just practice, so he’s fine.

He exhales slowly, finger curling around the trigger. He’s fine and he’s got this.

“I mean, what am I supposed to think, Deanna,” John says lowly, voice pinched with disappointment, “you tell me you want me to treat you like a man, but you can’t even—”

Dean fires, ten rounds in steady, thundering succession until the ringing in his ears drowns out the sound of the chamber clicking empty.

The target is in tatters. He thinks they all landed.

His chest is still tight, and raw, and like maybe something has shaken loose or broken free. With shaking hands, he zips up his jacket, and then he turns and walks to his father’s side.

“It’s Dean,” he says thinly. He clears his throat and adds, “Sir.”

John’s looking at him and Dean can’t make out what’s going on behind his eyes. After a moment he nods, and then jerks his head toward their gear. “Pack up.”

As Dean’s cleaning up—collecting fallen casings and discarded targets, and making sure every gun is unloaded and every safety is on because Sam always pokes around even when they tell him not to—John claps him on the shoulder. His voice is soft again.

“I’m just worried about you, I need you to know that. I want you to be able to take care of yourself and Sammy when I’m not around. This world is mean, and cold, and it’ll tear you apart. I can be hard on you kids…I push you too hard, I know it, and it still won’t be enough to keep you safe. And that kills me.”

John cups the back of his head. Dean meets his eyes and sees a world in there that he can’t begin to fathom. “You did good today, Dean, really good. I don’t want you to think I have any doubts—about how strong you are, and how brave. And I trust I can depend on you, son.”

Somewhere inside Dean, a knot loosens, like he’s finally been allowed to breathe a little. It’s good.

#repost from my old blog #trans dean winchester #transphobia #misgendering #deadnaming #parental abuse #verbal abuse #forced masculinzation emotional stunting meow meow meow #bound for the floor by local h released 1996 changing nothing in deans life but becoming a soundtrack #dean: i earned respect! john: if i push him hard enough he will kill so good :3 #ficlet #supernatural #trans dean #cw misgendering #tw misgendering #deadname #tw gun mention #tw gun use #mine

[superhell]

house’s gun. and house’s sword. are both his father’s. something something there will always be an angry man in your house

#the only relics he keeps of his father are things of violence the only things of violence he keeps are things of his father. right ok ok ok #john house u will be seeing me in hell i will be beating the absolute shit out of you. so you know #this is a john winchester hate blog and now also a john house hate blog. #what is it with me and fucked up bisexual men from 2000s shows with godawful fathers named john who shaped their kids lives in a big way #house #gregory house #on this post. he gets his full name in the tags. hes earned that much #john house #<-fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you #house md #hatecrimes md #8x08 perils of paranoia

[lostlegendaerie]

I know that one of the most painful things you can do is admit you were wrong. The closer a belief is to your heart, the most you guard it against anything that might weaken it. But the very fact that you hold it so close means that you have to examine it, constantly, to ensure that it has not warped into something cruel and untrue while you were holding it so tightly.

#why yes this IS about the person defending the concept of Rich Christians if she shows up on my blog #through gritted teeth and years of watching the God that literally diverted a fucking tornado from obliterating my house #be used as a shield by those who want desperately to believe that they EARNED their fortunes and DESERVE THEM BY DIVINE RIGHT #I ask you to change your mind even a little #and turn your anger not on the people who have reacted to you spitting in their faces that they DESERVE their suffering #but on those in your own community who use the teachings of a brown socialist immigrant to persecute the ones He DIED to save

[desicowgirl]

Having a smooth and successful conversation with service workers always makes me want burst out into song and dance as I walk away, it puts an extra pep in my step.

#this just happened to me heh #I was out buying my sister and brother in law their birthday gifts #and from start to finish I did not stutter once and had such a smooth conversation with the cashier #he even laughed at a joke I cracked #and I felt so pleased with myself afterwards #I feel like if life was a video game I would’ve earned game points heh #social anxiety: 0 / me: 1 🙂‍↕️ #biography blogging

[funnierasafictive]

Wld u guys b interested in art commissions ^_^?

#idk if well push thru w advertsng our wrk here- b i mean we wnt hav a lt of spendng money by the end of thise yr— #so if any of u wld like commissioned art- we will do ships- fandom (aka fictives hehe :^)) etc! #if u wnt 2 support a fellow system n get art?? #b that wld also mean revealng who runs thise blg shebshdv #<- we’d only donitnif any1 wld evn b remotly intrstd in commissionng us! wht do u gys thnk? #SRRY 4 my typng quirk OTL #from kris #not funnier as a fictive #we r constntly trynf 2 sve up JSBSJ we need 2 earn bck wht weve spnt on school + equipmnt orz #ALSO: if lets sy- we do end up advrtsng or redrctbg tht we do comms here- DW we wnt be postng them 2 thise blog! #this blg is going 2 sty the sme #no randm art posts 👍👍

[babacontainsmultitudes]

Not much has been shared yet for the Nicky day of the week which has me thinking that *I* wanna draw a Nicky to share but... That would require... Drawing and... Liking what I draw...

#I should draw though it's been a minute #I wanna draw Sparrow too... maybe even a demon Sparrow... #:/ But unfortunately to get better at art you gotta make more of the art #And it's hard for me to not get discouraged very quickly #And I'm always so embarrassed when I do share my drawings lmao #That's why I don't use an art tag- don't want people finding that shit lmao #Props to gigi though for scavenging my blog like a raccoon for an oldish glenn sketch that one time tho LMAO #She earned that #:0 I still mostly like that Nicky I have as my banner but I feel like I've never been as pleased with a drawing I've done of him since #Oh Cal if you're reading this- you were talking the other day about wishing you were more of a writer to express what visual art can't #And I *totally* felt that from the opposite end LOL #(I do get insecure about my writing but like not as much) like ''THIS WOULDN'T WORK AS A FIC THIS WAS MEANT TO BE A 4 PANEL COMIC" #Or just like ''I want to *show* you this character design'' not idk. Write about it. #Also I can keep my attention drawing for much longer than writing lol- writing fiction anyways #Man. ANYWAYS.

[tarisilmarwen]

Ugh, I just read some recent interviews by the Acolyte cast and it makes me dislike the show already. The cast is basically shading the PT while praising the OT and as a major prequel fan, I'm tired. First JJ Abrams and the sequels, then Filoni and Favreau and now the Acolyte cast. And then one of them had the audacity to say the "first Asian Jedi' when there are Jedi played by Asian people in the PT (Bultar Swan and Depa Billaba!!!)

I wasn't really interested in watching The Acolyte anyway, villain protagonists are a general no thank you and I don't really have much interest or investment in the High Republic Era but yeah, from the very first Celebration interview when the director was like, "This show won't be kind to the Jedi." and "George Lucas was telling us they're in the wrong!" I was soured completely.

Really tired of writers/directors who have stewed too long in the rancid fanon osmosis regurgitating the shit takes over and over again.

#askbox #and this *includes* filoni for the crowd who wanna cry sexism #filoni is on thin ice and coasting mostly on the good graces of the material he's already been involved with #this lady has failed to earn any sort of trust from the get-go #that's the difference #the acolyte #star wars #this is a pro jedi blog

[take-ya-to-the-ghey-bar]

i know i've been quiet again today ever since those few things i put in the queue ran out-- (which, originally there were supposed to be more text posts mixed in there, but i didn't manage to write/pick them before everything posted fff--) but~... it's been fun seeing all you guys enjoy the boops, even if i can't find the motivation to join in lol

#{|ooc post|} #{|dash commentary|} #honestly i thought about joining in via my personal blog or the hub blog lol-- #just because i'm weird and don't like the thought of displaying badges on character centric blogs-- and why earn them i'm not gonna display #but i also can't be bothered to lurk around those blogs just for that XP #so i've just been goofing around with other stuff and enjoying from a distance lmao #hoping maybe i can tackle some more of the drafts i've got waiting--

[preywhore]

love when one of my posts takes off a little bc I find new blogs to scroll :3c

#it’s like fishing this is my stardew valley and I’m trying to earn hearts from my mutuals #if u like my blog I’ll give u a strawberry

[mypaidforarticles]

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[milfygerard]

sometimes i go thru the gaylor tag to see updates or reactions or something and its so funny everytime. You people are insane i respect literally none of you etc etc

#barry.txt #taylor swift #NOTE: THIS IS COMING FROM AN RPF FREAK WHO COULD FEASIBLY IMAGINE TAYLOR SWIFT EATING PUSSY #HATERS IM SORRY BUT THIS ISNT FOR YOU. YOU WILL NOT EARN MY SYMPATHY. anyway #i think i just get really frustrated when a fanbase gets so caught up in itself it cant remember how like....people work #or how relationships function even celebrity ones #i have spent lots of time and energy watching how people react and listening to people talk about relationships and so im annoying abt it #kaylors bless ur hearts im glad ur having fun but posts about their secret relationship make me autism angry #i was THERE for the kaylor divorce. ive listened to evermore more time than id like to admit. theyve at most made an effort to mend a bridg #that baby is a kushner and to imply otherwise is either short sighted or genuinely concerning depending on how deep and intense #the theory is #i think part of the problem is that it forces me to interact w the wider swiftie fandom at large which is a no go zone #i have my circle of blogs i respect even if i find all discussion of travis kind of boring and whenever i try to step out of it #i just end up frustrated #stop trying to prove things! you will never prove things! we dont know her! #i also disagree w lots of the general lyrical analysis but thats not anger i respect the readings they just arent mine #but yeah whatever. script doctoring a niche subset of one of the biggest fandoms on earth. i cant help myself! #none of this applies to you if ur 15 or whatever but i do implore that you not waste all ur time on dumb celebrity theories #and go do anything else

[six-of-ravens]

started Archivist Wasp and was trying to remember how it got on my library list, and then realized it was from this one blog I followed for a while before realizing they had some really bad opinions (nothing scandalous, just stuff I disagreed with about books that I don't even remember now, cause that was 2 full years ago) and anyway this book isn't really the showstopping mind-bending experience they promised, and if it doesn't improve by page 50 I'm gonna write it off and just say that person has bad taste

#the problem is we did like a lot of similar books but for different reasons #i think that was one of those blogs whose only basis for how good/bad a book was was how many Diversity Points it earned #which got tiring after a while cause listen. not every book can do everything. #better to do one thing well than 10 things half-assed imo #anyway. the writing style with this one is not really working for me. like it's not BAD but i had very high expectations lol #bc i knew this book was highly recommended but couldn't remember where that came from for the longest time

[olessan]

I love the fact that I can work as hard as I can manage with a broken tooth and a dying tooth (one on each side, I've been chewing on the cavity for a year) and I still cannot save even $10 towards getting dental treatment (2 impacted wisdom teeth, + tooth broken off under the gum, + bad cavity) because I barely make enough to cover my food and board and the insane energy bill

#I'm just ranting don't mind me it's fine I am continuing to exist as usual I may delete this later bc it's a bit of a bummer to read #I prefer to keep my blogging to fun or otherwise nonserious content because it's supposed to be for decompression no real world drama here #I got into a 3 hour body language study and earned $50 so I spent that as fun money on a couple games during the Steam sale just to #take a break from the constant cycle of getting paid and then immediately saying goodbye to all but about 15 cents #(well it was 1 game Slime Rancher 2 and then 2 expansion packs one for Planet Zoo and another for Cities Skylines long play hours mileage) #I've tried to budget to buy small things like a fan or a toothbrush maybe (mine is 8yrs old and doesn't charge sometimes) but NOPE #let alone stashing away over $2000 for the amount of treatment I need given tooth extractions are $200-$500 each #I use about $50 of groceries a week ($30 USD) sometimes up to $80 if I need to buy some extra toiletries or bonuses like ham/falafel/bread #our last quarterly power bill was $1900 FOR NO REASON even for a winter one #olessan oration #the work I have is HIT/mturk type work which pays amazingly well and I am so grateful because I can't work in a traditional environment due #my inability to sleep/wake on anyone else's schedule and need for engaging work but it also means each worker is basically a contract worke #picking their own hours which is VERY HARD to stick to for me since I may also have ADHD-i but that diagnosis also costs like $2000 in Aus #so I'm doing my best fucking lmao #I have a set minimum hours I want to keep up to and move to full time but I am so exhausted by the constant background noise of #the tooth problems that I burn out very quickly #like the tooth ache isn't that bad #the tooth is actively dying but the pain isn't unbearable it just shits me off at all times #it's bearable most of the time and doesn't affect my sleep unless the temp is cold or something #it's been bad this week tho so I've gone through almost all my ibuprofen managing it #the tooth that broke off broke off earlier in the year and the gum has mostly healed over and the dead root is concealed inside my gums now #that stopped being painful in mid 2021 but when it died it was pretty bad it did stop me sleeping for a couple weeks #Christmas 2021 involved me contemplating ripping the tooth out myself lmao #the nerve eventually died seemingly without an abscess #unless I DID have an abscess but that seems extremely unlikely because abscesses are SEVERE AND HORRIBLE AND LIFE THREATENING #sometimes I can feel the tooth ligament wiggling on its own or I like flex it by accident it's so weird bc the tooth is gone so #the ligament is still holding onto the root but with way less weight #anyway I am eating my mac n cheese n veg with the side that has the missing tooth because the cavity tooth has a big bruise along the gumli #gumline which may be from overzealous brushing (I fill the tooth will temporarily filling putty and it needs to be cleaned well when the #putty falls out)

[darrylhudson86]

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[the-jam-to-the-unicorn]

Always funny when some Russidiots and vatniks think they can lecture me about a certain topic / Zelenskyy /... with fake news, Russian propaganda and / or only the "facts" that serve their purpose and view.

Yeah, sweet, guys.

Fuck off.

For more than a year I'm doing (intense) research. (Not to mention I knew about Ukraine before February 2022.) Try to fool someone else.

#not to mention i did fact checks or fake news checks on several topics #posted real and reliable sources for the stuff you claim in order to prove it is not true and or give context #and so one #and maybe not send such obvious vatnik messages and pretend youre one of my followers or pro ukrainian or whatever #your messages look already super fake and vatnik #also funny how vatniks will claim i only post 100% supportive or positive stuff about this or that ... when this is not the case?!?! #my dude i critized stuff too or talked about things and scandals and all that #and actually used sources and facts and not like you just claiming things #listen my dudes is this blog biased yes obvi #this is a support blog in parts a fan blog but also a balanced blog when it comes to coverage news and talking about facts #we still talk about bad things or critize if there is something to critize or point things out that are not okay #and based on facts and not your masters propaganda #maybe earn your rubels and make the effort to have a look at the blog #on the other hand what can i expect from vatniks and ai #yeah i know everyone i expect intelligence from them #thats my mistake