#first line is already a lie i think if dean and cas ever dated then cas would have zero other thoughts. ONLY im deans boyfriend :3

[1337wtfomgbbq]

Okay, bear with me, I need to ramble for a second here about John Winchester's age and his service in Vietnam.

(But I'll do that under a cut so as to not clutter up yall's feeds)

I was interested to know how young the youngest active duty soldier was in Vietnam, cause we all know that the guys in WW1 and WW2 lied about their ages, so why not in Vietnam too?

Come to find out, they had soldiers under the age of 18. Five at the total, that they know of. The youngest one killed in action was Dan Bullock, who was fourteen years old when he died.

Internet sources also state that the Marines, who Bullock lied his way into, an who John also joined, were the easiest to be able to lie your way into.

So it is entirely plausible for John to have lied his way into the Marines.

But did he? And would he have even needed to??

We know that John and Mary met for the first time 23 March 1972 and that Dean was send back in time by Cas in 4:03 to 1973, so John has to have gotten out of the military before March 1972.

supernaturalwiki.com states three theoretical birth years for John, ranging from 1953 (as a draft script of the pilot states John as being 30 years old at Mary's death date), 1946 (if you read John's eamail, [email protected] to state that) or 1954 (according to the gravestone in 2:20. But that's djinn reality).

So I think we can all agree that the only birth year that would make sense for John to have been drafted into the army would be 1946, as the drawing for the lottery of the birth years 1944-1950 happened 1 December 1969.

And, listen, that could be possible too as Matt Cohen was either 26 or 27 when they filmed season 4. Subtracting that from 1972, when John must've been back in the states, we'll come to a birth year of 1946 or 1945.

We can have a fight about wheter or not JDM looks to be 60 in season 1.

Both 1953 and 1954 don't make sense for him to have been drafted, because their drawings only happened 2 February 1972 and 8 March 1973 respectively; when John was already back in the states.

However I do think that 1953 and 1954 are the years more logical to assume when we talk about ENLISTMENT. Especially because when Dean sees the birth year on John's gravestone in the djinn reality he doesn't question it.

So let's say his birth year was 1953, we come to 1971 as him being 18.

Or let's say his birth year was 1954, we come to 1972 as him being 18.

However there is also the possibility for John to have gotten his parent's (aka his mother's) written permission to have joined the military at 17, making 1954 as a birth year, and 1971 as year of enlistment, still plausible.

There is also the possibility for John to have lied about his age, as I mentioned before the Marines were the easiest to lie your way into, or for a judge to have given him the choice “jail or the army”.

Though, quite honestly, given John's character (I know haters, someone who doesn't think John is the evilest evil to ever evil... shocker), I do not think the judge thing is that likely.

More likely I think is either him lying about his age, or getting his mother's written approval to join the Marines earlier than when he was 18.

If we say that he was born 1953 and lied his way in at 17, or got his mother's writtin approval, that puts his earliest enlistment date at 1970 (doing the same thing with 1954, it would be 1971).

Training is another thing that we don't have exact timing for.

Basic training was cut down to 8 weeks after March 1966, and I have found anywhere from 8 to 24 weeks of training for USMC.

I found stories of Marines being send after just those 8 weeks of basic, while others went after basic + 4 week jungle course + 4 weeks of leave, while others of Recon Battalion had six months additional training.

So it is entirely possible for John to have been send to Vietnam after just those 8 weeks of basic.

Or after 8 weeks + 4 weeks jungle course + 4 weeks leave.

Bottom line, WE DON'T KNOW!

Another thing that could give us an indication of his time in service could be the medals John earned, and that he displayed in his journal.

The Vietnam Service medal:

Was awarded to all US armed forces after 3 July 1965 through March 28 1973, and requires the soldier to be attached to or regularly serve for 1 or more days with an organization participating in or directly supporting military operations.

USMC good conduct ribbon:

On wikipedia it states that this one is awarded to the soldier who completes three consecutive years of "honorable and faithful service".

However, during times of war this medal may be awarded for only one year of service.

Purple Heart:

As of 1962, after Executive Order 11016, which allowed for the posthumous award of a Purple Heart to a soldier, it was only required for the soldier to have sustained an injury that needed to be treated by a medical professional.

Bronze Star:

Is awarded to the soldier that distinguishes, or has distinguished, herself or himself by heroic or meritorious achievement or service, not involving participation in aerial flight—

(a) while engaged in an action against an enemy of the United States; (b) while engaged in military operations involving conflict with an opposing foreign force; or (c) while serving with friendly foreign forces engaged in an armed conflict against an opposing armed force in which the United States is not a belligerent party.

Note that the Bronze Star does not state a time required for the soldier to have served in the armed forces

The red crest of the US Army Aviation School Ford Rucker I couldn't find a requirement other then graduation from this school, and that graduates stay anywhere from 13 to 15 months. But I do not know how long students stayed there during the time of the Vietnam war and how long John actually stayed there.

The USMC Rifle Expert Medal also doesn't include a time served as a requirement.

Him being a Corporal also doesn't really help to narrow down his time served, as during Vietnam they were still doing field promotions for both drafted and enlisted men.

So, what does this leave us with?

Given that a tour of duty during the Vietnam War lasted 13 months for the USMC, and that the USMC Good Conduct Ribbon requirement could be lowered to 1 year of service required during war time, it is possible for John to had basic training of 8 weeks, and a 13 month long tour in vietnam, while earning all those medals and being promoted to Corporal, and be back in Kansas before March 1972, while being born in 1954.

It would chill out the timeline a bit if his birth year was 1953, and would chill it out a HUGE bit if his birth year was 1946 (even allow for him to have been drafted).

Bottom line: I don't know why yall get your panties in a twist.

Did you orient yourself at JDM's birth year? Cause that fucker is way too young for any of those scenarios.

Is it cause the Vietnam War is the dishonorable war, and yall can't fathom that some guys would enlist, instead of being drafted; that some men and women answered the call of duty?

Is it just cause yall hate John so much and you take every last opportunity you can to take achievements away from him and belittle him.

I don't get it.

#john winchester #this doesn't take anything mentioned in The Winchesters into account #if I got anything wrong feel free to tell me #as mr google gave me some conflicting dates and stuff in some instances #john winchester defense squad #john winchester defense attorney #john winchester deserved better #john winchester deserves better than this dumbass fandom #sorry for the shit paragraphs #tumblr being a bitch

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

"Won't it suck, Cas?" Dean declares, as Castiel enters their room with bags hoisted on both shoulders, and elbows the door shut behind him - because apparently when you're pretending to date in front of your parents, sometimes they turn out awesome enough for you to get to - or, Dean supposes he should say, have to share a room.

Cas puts the bags down, next to their bed.

"Won't it totally, and completely, and really suck if our cover blew?"

"Who suspects what?" Cas turns, with a frustrated frown. Which soon flips to a planning, expressionless face. "Because I've still got some of those baking-stories left. I believe I can swing them into a conversation." Cas folds his arms. "And you should come with me. You tell them great, because it's the one thing which isn't a lie."

That - isn't completely fair.

A lot of things, at least as far as Dean sees them, have not been lies.

Dean does make Cas coffee every morning, sometimes takes it to his bedroom too, and Cas does do most of the shopping for the flat - there's this inside joke Dean has going with Cas's brother Gabriel, that the employees at Walmart are terrified of Cas because he once threatened someone over pie, which he never forgets, and Dean always gets so soft over that story.

They do share clothes sometimes, even if it's just ratty t-shirts they'll never wear outside, and they do have movie nights every Thursday where Dean comes up with amazing films and Cas unpreventably falls asleep in the middle of them. And they did name all of Cas's bees one night, drunk and dreamy on the balcony.

Sure, they don't fall asleep in each other's arms later, or do the couple-y things they've had to edit into otherwise real stories, but Dean thinks he makes up for it by being in all kinds of love with Cas.

Not that Cas knows, of course.

"Well, I don't doubt that you've got enough adorability ammo." Dean returns, grinning. "We are pretty cute, to be fair. And, nope." He clarifies. "Nobody doubts that we're not dating yet."

When opportunity had presented itself a couple weeks ago, at the beginning of December, Dean had found in himself just enough courage to ask Cas if he'd be okay with being his fake-date for New Year's, since he was spending it with the Winchesters anyways - adding hurriedly, that if Cas felt weirdly about it at all, he could drop the idea right there, and he'd quietly just go off in search of someone else and not bring it up again.

Cas had blinked at him a few times before saying okay, and what a wonderful understatement that had been because by the time they had to leave for Kansas, Cas was more invested in the program than he'd ever been.

"Yet?" Cas recoils, eyebrows knitted together. "What are you implying, Dean?"

What had started off as a means to shirk off lectures from his family, was now being treated like a mission. But as of the moment, sitting cross-legged on the edge of the bed - Dean is happy. He's around the people he loves most, and well-fed on a heavy homemade lunch and two beers, and he's feeling light-hearted and brave.

"Tonight's fireworks night." Dean shrugs, trying to go for nonchalant and hoping he lands in non-shy, at the very least. "Out by the riverfront, sitting on blankets on the grass, and staring up at the night sky - the whole shebang."

"So?"

"People will probably expect us to kiss." Dean clears his throat, studying Cas's face for reactions. There's nothing for him there, but he doesn't stop staring. "And since we can't do that, we might -"

"I -" Cas interrupts, and maybe he's blushing a little. Jesus, Dean hopes he is. "I can."

Dean raises his eyebrows.

"Kiss, I mean."

And fuck that fucking fucker for not specifying that he can kiss Dean, because those words, strung together in a sentence and delivered in Cas's glorious fucking voice would've automatically sent Dean to paradise.

Dean's run out of things to say so he lets out a sound that's supposed to be the wordless equivalent of a 'huh'.

"I-if we had to." Cas adds, uncertainly. "Couldn't you?" He asks, and the ball is back in Dean's pitiable court.

"No, yeah." Dean supplies, and his voice cracks unhelpfully. He clears his throat and braves on to previously untraversed territory. "I could. Sure, I could."

That's one too many, and Dean wants to swallow his words back but Cas has already heard them, and there's a slow smile stretching slowly on his features.

"Then what's the problem?"

"It'd be obvious," Dean answers him, matter-of-factly. "Way too obvious that it's our first kiss. The, uh." He can't believe he's actually saying these words. "Being that close, basically. First times are bound to be weird - just the very newness of someone's lips on yours." He's goddamn rambling but he isn't going to be the first to acknowledge whose, either.

Cas's cheeks are sufficiently pink by now for Dean to feel a little bit triumphant. But then it's his turn. "You're not wrong." He begins, nodding seriously, in spite of his flustered voice. "It takes all couples a while to fall into rhythm. Sync up pace, get comfortable touching each other, and grow familiar with their partner's technique."

They're both just saying words now, and it doesn't really mean much - in fact, it's infinitesimal as compared to the lengths being exchanged by means of a long-held stare.

Questions are proposed within the silence, and permissions are granted in whispers.

"Not for nothing," Dean finally says out loud. "But maybe we should get the first time out of the way."

Cas steps closer, and there's a twinkle in his eye. "Maybe we should." Dean keeps on staring, his tongue shooting out to wet his lips. "Maybe, right away."

Dean stands up, breathing out traces of a 'yes' and Cas is right there. He's so close, and so gorgeous, and just that one inch shorter - so Dean can just lean in and Cas will probably go on his toes a little bit, and it'll be like they're meeting in the middle, and -

Dean's so lost thinking about it that he almost misses the first spark which goes through him like goddamn electricity in his veins, when Cas's hand cups his cheek, fingers splayed on his neck and thumb oh-so-close to his lips.

Dean can feel his breath hitch when Cas gently runs the pad of his thumb across the bottom lining of Dean's lower lip, and he doesn't have a single thought in his head except for Cas, Cas, Cas, as he reaches forward to grab the lapels of his coat and closes the gap.

He knows he's probably expected to ingest the intricacies of how the kiss feels - the details of Cas's taste and smell and touch; the curve of his lips, the stubble across his jaw, and his hand on Dean's face.

But far from mapping Cas's fucking technique - Dean can't even process when he's supposed to pull back. All he can do is stay, hands entangled in Cas's coat, and trapped between them, eyes closed but all other senses overly sensitive to everything Cas does.

It's not like he doesn't do his bit, but that's all instinct - his brain's signed out for the day, and this is just his nerves in command. It should be terrifying, feeling this lost - or more appropriately, afloat, in the middle of a kiss, but as their noses bump and lips collide, in slightly different angles each time they pull off to gasp for breath, it just feels right.

It feels real.

Their first kiss isn't just one kiss, Dean muses, as they separate finally but linger. It's an amalgamation of a thousand kisses, and a half a thousand breaths because Cas kept taking his away - and it's the way Cas's hand came to rest on Dean's arm, and Dean's fingers clutching a soft material which is more Cas than anything else he owns, and it's every little everything, and then some.

"Wow." Dean sighs, and he doesn't even regret sounding as overwhelmed as he does. "Cas, I - wow."

He's never been kissed like that.

Cas looks back at him a little starry-eyed, and proceeds to relax into a gummy smile instead of words - and it's happy, and lovely, and perfect.

"I might be wrong," He mutters, stepping ahead, and there's no space left, so Dean falls back to sit on the bed in surprise. "But second kisses can be pretty tricky too."

"Right." Dean scoots on backwards on the mattress, and Cas follows, climbing on the bed. "Right, yeah, with all the pressure from the first -"

"And the relatively newfound elements of intimacy -"

"And the -" Dean tries to add, but Cas is unbelievably kissable, just leaning over him, with his smile and his eyes and his hands, and Dean stops himself short. "We just really shouldn't risk it."

And that's all the preamble before he's pulled Cas over him, lips desperately seeking out all the right places to be, and their hands all over the place like they're trying to make up for years of tension in a single minute - but after a while, they're back to kissing slow and deep and warm, and he's wrapped his hands around Castiel's neck - and Castiel's fingers ghost over his spine every now and then, from where his hands rest on Dean's waist -

And it's everything Dean's ever wanted it to be.

#destiel #dean winchester #dean winchester/castiel #bisexual dean winchester #castiel #castiel/dean #castiel/dean winchester #destiel fluff #fluffy destiel #deancas fluff #destiel ficlet #fake dating #destiel college au #roommates au #destiel kisses #destiel first kiss #flustered dean #soft bois™ #just them being soft and lovely and totally gone on each other because im supposed to be working on my wips and instead im out here #dishing out #fluff

[itisa-profoundbond-sarandom]

Destiel, Buddie: the great love patterns and one failure.

I'm going to highlight the patterns of baiting and good storytelling. Chim sounds like the Sam to Dean!Buck. Cas!Eddie and Claire/Jack!Chris.

WARNING: not a negative post, this is from a destielshipper!POV looking to something so beautiful like 9-1-1.

As someone pointed out: if Eddie was a girl they would've already get laid. Same thing with Dean if Cas was a girl.

(my gifs)

We know Dean and Buck like to get laid with many girls...and have some homo-joke-scenes with guys.

Dean Winchester being a disaster bi (since S1)

(+ Josh and roomate!Albert - I know someone ships it xD) What I really enjoyed with Buck/Abby is the meaning of the storyline. D (who likes older women also) and B always get the part of having fun, and when it comes to express their feelings, not all their crushes understand their soul and they don't always admit those with themselves.

Abby: I think I was afraid that If I came back, I would become that person again. Because I missed you. I wanted to see you. But I didn’t trust myself.

Buck: Because being there, being with me, you might lose yourself again?

Shannon: I can’t fail him again, or you and I won’t. I’m still learning how to be someone’s mother and after that maybe I can be someone’s wife.

Eddie [to Bobby]: [...] she wanted a divorce. And I’m still mad. How stupid is that? I’m agry at a dead person and at myself because I forgave her for everything, and that wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.

Buck [to Maddie]: You’re never the one getting left behind. You’re the one who leaves. You don’t know what’s like to watch someone you love walk away.

Dean [to Lisa]: When I do picture myself happy...it’s with you.

Lisa:  You've got so much buried in there, and you push it down, and you push it down. Do you honestly think that you can go through life like that and not freak out? Just, what, drink half a fifth a night and you're good? Dean: You knew what you signed up for.

Lisa: Yeah. But I didn't expect Sam to come back. And I'm glad he's okay. I am. But the minute he walked through that door, I knew. It was over. You two have the most unhealthy, tangled-up, crazy thing I've ever seen. And as long as he's in your life, you're never gonna be happy. That came out so much harsher than I meant. Dean: It's not your fault.

Who does understand them? The best friend. Cas and Eddie are the best friends to who they talk to, they can feel judged by but it doesn't really matter (or it DOES); they trust each other and feel safe.

you gave up an entire army for one guy (dean)

thank you, for not giving up

 stupid for the right reasons 

maybe you could’ve come at it a little differently

The Abby-phase was very important 'cause B wanted to stop to think about just the sex part and really connect with the person, doin' romantic stuff, even VDay; feelings were in the game. 

(He literally asked to the firetruck!girl to see her again...but she said no. Ali? She acted like a Lisa.)

B really tried to find someone and always felt left behind. D had two important relationships, one with Cassie (yeah, that's fun) and I liked her -but he couldn't have a black girlfriend, right(?). Always felt left behind, by his father, by his brother, his mother’ memories were a lie.

When we first see Cassie, they didn’t see each other in a very long time and they get a reunion during a case.

Much like Eddie and Shannon.

(not saying also this...but....this)

Lisa and the weird-and-bad-written-originally story with Amara...who knew Dean bc of his 'dark' side. (Amara has found Cas and Dean’s profound connection and Dean was scared by her darkness connected to his anger and loniless).

At one point Amara will find Dean thanks to Cas's heart  just my reply to go fast  (while Cas was possessed by Lucifer- an annoying bitch who is used as a destiel bait)

We know Buck for his autodiagnosed sex addiction with women and Eddie as a married man with a son and wife not in the picture...and the episode- I'm so sorry, but the beginning of S2 with Buddie can't be described as two hets - there are tropes.

We start to fall for them and Chim with Maddie, wait- Sam!Chim and Eileen!Maddie.

Sam and Eileen’ first episode is basically a blind date on a hunt. They flirt and make a badass duo, she's deaf and super sassy and they're so sweet together. Many start to ship it asap.

I cried with Madney asap.

What does Maddie do since Buck start talking about Chris and Eddie? Yeah.

What does happen in Fanfiction with Sam (he’s a Maddie here) and when Saileen comes back on S15?

Bros shipping their bros with their best friends, mirroring them.

Madney have Buddie patterns.

Saileen is presented as a Het!Destiel parallel...and they can kiss.

Sam asks Dean if he could start thinking about settle down with someone who understand the life, another hunter. Eileen is a hunter. Cas is an angel - the one who raised him from perdition and got lost for his beautiful soul/hunter.

I LOVE that Eddie can be just a friend to Lena and Marjan, basically (I hope not to see this ruined in the future).

Now, over the line: Dean has a mother figure in Bobby!Jody and Jody is shipped with Athena!Donna (also good friend to Dean) and he's got a sister figure in Hen!Charlie.

[Jody, Charlie]

(Jody and Donna have many daugthers figures and a spin-off who hasn't been picked bc too many poc girls, queer girls and two not young women with perfect bodies.)

Bobby!Jody helped him with his mother-plot-fiasco (that was really bad) and I loved Mary before s12.

[I'm having fun thinking about this connections, leave me alone if it'ss just a great big illusion]

I forgive you / of course I forgive you

personal space / personal space

Destiel, uncle!Sam and Jack

Destiel, uncle!Sam and Claire

*love is in the air*

oh and beside the MurphyPatterns (Klaine, Bryan&David) we do have the KripkePatterns also (Timeless, The Boys 2 3 )

One of the most loud BI!Dean eps

I’m ready for some domestic Buddie and Madney

Eileen and Cas back from the dead

Just to make you all laugh after this big movie, remember the chars:

what a destiel scene always looks like

THE END: 

Yes, C*W and Fox aren’t the same, and yes producers can make the difference. all SPN writers WEREN’T the problem, directors neither, not to mention the actors. 

C*W thrived on Destiel for 12 years, building a very good story that could’ve show two men accepting the love they deserved....but they failed, erasing every other (lgbtq, poc, disable) characters.

Fox doesn’t need more viewers but they WILL gain more of them showing Buddie because representation of a M/M ship with BI/PAN (I see Pan!Eddie) it’s a huge thing for TV and it matters. I always see gay love not many other possibilities, with Murphy mostly, he can make the change again. 

A reminder to what C*W did 

#destiel #buddie #I just want my couples to be happy

[mattzerella-sticks]

A Dumb Idea (1.4 k, coda to 14x15 “The Last Holiday”, Sam & Dean, Dean/Cas)

(ao3)

They celebrated Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving, birthdays, even the Fourth of July. What about the other holidays? What about Valentine's Day?

Mrs. Butters actually had a plan for that, but she left before it could come to fruition. Sam, however, stumbles on Dean and a leftover piece from said plan. Something Dean would rather Sam not see. When he does get a peek as to what it is, well... Dean and Sam have a lot to talk about.

           Sam didn’t intend this. He called Dean’s name, first. Except his brother didn’t react. Head bowed, headphones on as he studied something before him. Music loud enough Sam faintly heard it from the kitchen’s entrance. Easily obscuring his footsteps as Sam approached, curious.

           Moving closer, Sam saw a pencil in Dean’s hand. Wrinkled paper waiting underneath it. Marred with illegible words. He placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder, “What are you writing?”

           Dean jumped, headphones slipping off his head. Zeppelin blaring, echoing across the room until his brother slammed a fist on his mp3. “Christ, Sammy,” Dean turned, glaring. Both hands covered the folded paper, pencil forgotten as it rolled away. “Don’t do that! Could’ve had a heart attack.”

           “You have a better chance at going deaf than having a heart attack, Dean.”

           “At least then Eileen could teach me sign language,” he said, bending forward. Somehow maintaining eye contact with Sam. “And we can gossip behind your back with complicated, advanced signing that you can’t do because of your big moose hooves.”

           Snorting, Sam brushed the insult aside. He won’t be distracted that easy. “What are you doing?” he asked, again, “What are you writing?”

           Dean’s lip twitched. His gaze flit between the paper and Sam. “I’m not writing anything.” The pencil, thrown from the table’s edge, landed with a guilty clatter. “Okay, I was writing something,” Dean admit, dragging the page towards him, “It’s… a grocery list.”

           “Groceries?”

           “Yeah, those things you buy?” Dean rose with a nervous giggle, the paper pressed against his chest, “Mrs. Butters wasn’t here for that long Sam, you must remember food doesn’t naturally poof out of thin air. So I set to taking stock of what we needed and… actually, I just finished.” He inched backwards, Sam trailing after him. “Might as well go and get the groceries, now that I have the… the list.”

           Sam shrugged, grinning, “That makes sense.”

           “It does, doesn’t it?”

           A beat later, Sam pounced. Dean, anticipating his attack, spun on his heel. Sam’s chest colliding with his back, blanketing it. But Dean hadn’t considered his next move, because the kitchen island blocked any attempt at escape. Trapped between Sam and it, all he could do was play defense while Sam used every dirty trick on making his brother let go. Because Sam already ran through the scenario in his head, planning for this moment. From the second he saw Dean hide that paper.

           It wasn’t what he intended; Dean left him no choice.

           He tickles, he pinches, and he pulls. Finally, Dean surrenders his hold on the paper. Sam snatches it and bolts, his brother chasing him. “Sammy!”

           “Grocery list my ass!” he yells behind him, skidding around a turn in the hall. Narrowly avoiding Dean’s fist, laughing as he slams into the wall Sam avoided. “Let’s see what you were really writing…” His eyes scan the front of the paper, reading aloud what Dean scrawled in bright red ink. “I never really believed in angels,” he says, slowing, “until I met you.”

           Dean slams into him, both sent tumbling. They lie on their backs, panting, the paper in Sam’s hand with Dean’s creeping closer. Sam feels it go taut as Dean grabs hold, yet he won’t fight further. Perhaps afraid of ruining what’s there. Of the cheesy pick-up line titling his inner thoughts, bookended by doodled wings and a giant, colored heart stamped on the bottom.

           “Really,” Sam gasps, “you got so worked up over that.” His body burns with exhaustion, having overexerted himself. Although not really. Sam should be more concerned with his stamina, except there were other matters that need his attention.

           “Shut up…” Dean’s cheeks were red, from embarrassment, exercise, or a combination of both. “Shit’s personal.”

           “And grade school,” Sam says. He lurches into a seated position, Dean popping up alongside him. Neither letting go, still. “What are you doing writing a Valentine’s Day card?”

           “Why does anyone write a Valentine’s Day card, Sam?” Dean stares at his feet, thinking. The grip on his end goes slack, hand falling to his side. “Read it.”

           Sam hesitates. “Are you sure?”

           “You’ve already seen enough,” he sighs, pinching his brow. “Come on. Do it, before I change my mind.”

           Noting the twinges of irritation threaded into his voice, Sam knows he won’t have long. He flicks it open, first three letters stealing his breath. Glancing at Dean, he sees his brother curled. Physically making himself smaller, like Dean could disappear if he tried hard enough. Sam keeps his initial thoughts silent, saving it for the end.

           Which was the right choice. If the first word were a seed, then the rest of his message was the flower. Each sentence like a petal that together created a beautiful image. Of a secret love. Simmering feelings, strengthening over time. Insecurities laid bare that Sam had expected yet never confirmed until now. A simple plea – a prayer – that leaves him raw, despite the words having come from someone else.

           Sam closes it, wiping at his eyes. “I…” he clears his throat, “Wow. You were planning on giving this to Cas?”

           “Yes…” Dean pouts, snatching the card from Sam. He lets Dean take it. “Maybe, I – I don’t know.”

           “But you wrote it,” Sam says, “Did you… did you mean it? Everything?”

           “Of course I did!” He waves the card about, snarling, “If I didn’t mean it, it wouldn’t be there.”

           Nodding, Sam slides closer. Throws an arm around Dean, tugging him into a loose hug. “How long have you been sitting on this?”

           “On the feelings or the card?”

           “The card.”

           Dean relaxes, leaning on Sam. “A few days now. You were getting ready for your date with Eileen and, well… when Mrs. Butters was still here, she was going on about the next holiday we should celebrate. With Eileen here, maybe invite her over and do a whole Valentine’s Day dinner…” He chuckles, rubbing at his jaw. “And I was eating some of her snickerdoodles, and she looked at me. Clucked her tongue and said how it’d be perfect to set me up with a girl as good as Eileen. I… don’t know if it was because I was in such a good mood, or it was easier, explaining to a stranger, but it all came – it came rushing out. I couldn’t stop myself. Then… when I was finished… y’know what she did? She magicked up that paper and the – the pencil back in the kitchen. And said I should put everything I said down there. Invite Cas over and then give it to him.”

           Sam braves a smile for both of them. “Sounded like it would have been fun.”

           “No,” Dean says, “it wouldn’t. Because then Cas would read my card and… and he’d know how I really feel.”

           “That’s a problem?”

           “It’s a problem if he doesn’t feel the same!” He throws Sam off of him, scrambling to his feet. Sam stands, too. “I have all these big, awful, disgusting… intense, amazing, fantastic feelings for him, but what if that’s where it ends. That for him I…” Dean shudders, body shaking. “I’m just a friend. And this whole time I’ve been imagining more than what was there. Hoping that maybe, the reason we always found our way back to each other, was because we were meant to.”

           “Dean,” Sam starts, cautiously approaching him. Gentle, like he was a wild deer. Skittish, alert for any surprises. “You won’t know if you don’t try… I’m sure that, when Cas sees that, he’ll be happy. More than happy!”

           “You don’t know,” Dean says, lifting the card. Scowling, he holds it on either side. “This was a dumb idea anyway… I shouldn’t have ever listened to her.”

           “Dean, don’t –“

           He rips it. Rips it again. A third time, and many more after that until confetti rains from his fingers. Sam watches this happen with a pit in his stomach, all of Dean’s hard work disappearing in an instant. Resolve crumbling as fast.

           Dean sniffs, swiping his nose. “Let’s… forget this ever happened, okay Sammy?” he says, stalking down the hall, “Got more important things we should be focusing on anyway…”

           He disappears, footfalls echoing until those, too, end. Sam stays, staring at the pile of shreds.

           Sam bends, sweeping them into his hands. Makes sure they’re all there. Then he heads towards his room.

           Cas is due back soon, anyway. If Sam acts quickly, at least some of what Dean wrote can reach him. Enough for them to have the conversation that’s been looming overhead for years now. The clock is ticking, and Sam will be damned if it runs out on those two.

#supernatural #spn #spn15 #15x14 #spn the last holiday #sam winchester #dean winchester #destiel #deancas #destiel fanfic #deancas fanfic #supernatural fanfic #spn coda

[nickelkeep]

What Mattered Most

Pairing: Dean/Cas Rating: Teen, for some profanity. Word Count: 6.1K Warnings: Pining, Internalized Homophobia Written For: Nickel’s Storytime On Ao3

Dean stormed into Crowley’s office, despite the warnings from the overworked and underpaid assistant. He threw the copy of Rolling Stone he carried onto Crowley’s desk and waited for his demon of an agent to get off his phone call.

“Seems I forgot about a meeting. A client just showed up at my office.” Crowley shot a smile in warning at Dean. “We’ll catch up soon. I want you to tell me all about this new talent of yours, Kipling. Until next time.” Crowley hung up the phone and picked up the magazine. “Ah, yes. Thursday James. Apparently Country’s brightest new star.” He tossed it back on his desk. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your presence?”

“I want to come out,” Dean replied simply and plainly. “I have hidden for the past 15 years because you said my music wouldn’t sell. I’m done not being me, I’m done hiding.” He pointed at the magazine. “He’s been on the scene for six months, and he booked a Stones cover? It took me seven years, Crowley. Seven! They never put country artists on the front.”

Crowley sighed and picked up the magazine and stared at it for a few silent moments before dropping it back on his desk. “No.”

“What the fucking hell!?” Dean’s arms shot out to the sides in exasperation before he pulled them back in, gripping his fingers on the chairback in front of him. “I have done everything you have ever asked of me, Crowley. I am just sick of living a damn lie.”

“So, you want to be ridiculed and laughed out of the country music scene?” Crowley pushed himself to his feet and leaned forward. While Dean had several inches on him, Crowley’s presence alone could cause most to back off. “You have succeeded in this world because you pushed that life away. You have sold out arenas because you are what women want and what men aspire to be. Until you retire, you are the straight, all-American boy. Do you understand?”

“No. I don’t.” Dean stormed back to the doors and swung them open, exposing Sam and Charlie, his lawyer and PR person. “So, I quit.”

“You really want to throw away your, as you acknowledged, 15-year career because you can’t hold hands with a man in public?” Crowley rolled his eyes as Sam and Charlie sat in the chairs across from him. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Dean. I have not led you wrong. I have not given you any bad advice.”

“You did, 17 years ago, when you first found Dean,” Charlie spoke up.

“He wasn’t out then, and he’s not out now.” Crowley tilted his head and looked at Dean. “Are you?”

“Not yet.” Dean shook his head.

Sam sighed exasperatedly. “For what it’s worth, Fergus, I did advise him to ask you differently. That being said, I don’t disagree with my brother. He’s done everything you asked. It’s been 15 years, and clearly, the world has changed.” Sam pointed at the magazine on the desk. “The world is in love with Thursday James. He’s proven that being queer isn’t a crime. And we’re not changing who Dean is. We’re not asking for chaps and songs about rainbows. We’re just asking you to let him be the person he’s hidden for 15 years. For you.”

“He doesn’t need a big coming-out party.” Crowley gestured at Dean. “Is there a person you’re interested in dating, Dean? Is that what this is? Go on a date. You’re not restricted to going out solo or having beards anymore.”

“Not good enough.” Charlie tapped Sam on the shoulder and pointed down to his briefcase. “As Dean’s lawyer and PR, we’re submitting an amendment to his contract, advising of it’s instant and final termination in regards to Article 2, Section 13.”

“A conflict of interest?” Crowley shook his head. “This is not a conflict of interest. This is me trying to protect my client, which is my job as his manager.”

Sam pulled out the stack of paper and set it on top of the magazine. “It’s a clean cut. We pay you a lump sum that equals 13% of his projected income for the next five years, which is a current 5% more than you take right now. Dean comes off your roster instantly.”

Crowley picked up the papers and quickly flipped through. “I also give up my rights to royalty and merchandising profits. Why?”

“Didn’t think you wanted to be associated with a gay country singer, Crowley.” Dean stood between Charlie and Sam, hands shoved in his pockets as he rocked back and forth from heel to toe. “Figured that 5% would make up for it.”

“Dean. Listen to yourself. You really want to throw our partnership away?” Crowley was practically pleading with Dean. “Why do you want to do this to your career?”

“Crowley, if my fans truly love me, I won’t lose them. And if anything, I’m openly welcoming a whole group of potential fans who think they’re not wanted. This is what’s best for not only me but also for the future of Country.”

Crowley stood up straight and rubbed at his temples. “Fine.” He handed the contract amendment back to Sam. “Believe it or not, I do want you happy, Dean.” He turned to the petite redhead sitting with a giant smirk on her face. “I’m assuming you’ve already started a plan?”

“Yes, but there’s one more thing.” Charlie pointed at Sam. “It was your idea.”

“In order to stay on as Dean’s manager, you will sign a different amendment. I’m going to start the official paperwork. Once you and Charlie come to a full and equal agreement for Dean’s coming out, it will be added to the contract, and both you and Dean will sign it.” Sam opened his suitcase back up and slid the defunct amendment into it. “We have an understanding, Fergus?”

“Yes.” Crowley nodded as he sat in his chair. “I think this is the first time I’ve been outwitted by a client.” He leaned back, resting his hands on his stomach. “Shall we begin, then?”

…

Thursday James took a deep breath as he took a final bow for the crowd that had come out to see him. While he was excited that his career was taking off, he had never expected how exhausting it would be. He stepped off the stage and into the wings, where he was greeted by his manager and best friend, Balthazar.

“Cassie! That was fantastic, as always!” Balthazar clapped his hand on Thursday’s - Cas’ - shoulder and led him back towards the dressing room. “You simply wowed the hall.”

“If you say so.” Cas slid off his mask, mindlessly playing with the fringe as Balthazar opened the door for him. He crossed over to his seat in front of the mirror and ran his hand down his face. “So. To what do I owe this pleasure? I wasn’t expecting you until St. Louis.”

“I am so very glad that you asked.” Balthazar crossed over to the sofa as Cas started his aftershow routine, beginning with the removal of his eye make-up. “Word of a fascinating tour came through the grapevine, and only a select handful of artists were invited.”

Cas perked up an eyebrow. “So, either I was invited, or you’re trying to get them to bring me along.”

“You were personally invited. By a Charlene Bradbury.” Cas’ head whipped up, and he stared at Balth’s reflection in the mirror. “I see you remember that name.”

“Charlie?” Cas frowned and turned around and stared at Balthazar, mouth agape. “Does she know?”

“Doubtful. Sia could learn a few lessons from you in hiding identity.” Balthazar leaned forward and clasped his hands together. His face turned serious. “Look, I understand the surprise, and I know I’m going to be fighting to get a yes out of you...”

“Damn right, you are! I’m not going on tour with Dean Winchester!”

“Let me finish, Cassie.” Balthazar tugged at his sleeves and fixed them before continuing. “Dean’s been a leader in the industry for 15 years. He’d be exposing you to fellow musicians, new venues, and possibly new members for your staff. Maybe you could steal Charlie out from under him?”

Cas shook his head. “Not happening, Balth. I can’t do it. He headlines arenas, he’s a damn star. I’m...” Cas choked on his own words, unable to finish the sentence. “You knew I would say no, why did you bring it up?”

“Well, for starters, it was 15 years ago. So why dwell on it? If you want him to know it’s you, you can show him that you outshone him in a matter of months.” Balthazar appeared to preen himself at those words. “But there’s an even bigger rumor involving the tour. Dean’s announcing something big.”

“He’s going to be the first country artist in space?” Cas deadpanned.

Balthazar let himself laugh at that. “I honestly don’t know. Charlie wouldn’t spill any beans. But, the rumor is that he’s going to retire.”

“Dean’s 36. Not happening.” Cas shook his head. “He’s got a lifetime ahead of him.”

“Okay, well the people who tour with him, get to find out first, and I am a nosy bastard, okay?”

“You’re a bastard, alright.” Cas picked up the mask he had worn for the evening and started fidgeting with the fringe. “And you’re not winning me over for this tour.”

“Fine. Rumor aside, here are the facts, from the devil herself. It’s a short 10 stop tour. All of the venues are 4000 people or less, either on college campuses or at smaller theaters.”

“That’s a huge step back for Dean.” Cas ran a hand through his hair and squinted at Balthazar. “I can see why retirement is a rumor associated with the tour.”

“That’s not all. The first stop?” Balthazar paused and bit his bottom lip. “Lied Center at KU.”

“Home?”

…

Dean looked up from his notepad as Charlie entered the studio in the home he shared with her and Sam. “What’s up, Red?”

“I got the final tour line up.” She held up a notepad of her own before crossing over to sit next to Dean. “Still writing?”

“He is.” Sam looked up from his desk. “And driving me crazy. Please get him to stop.”

“I changed my mind, Sam. I’m not writing a brand new song. I’m fixing an old one.” Dean turned to Charlie. “Hit me.”

“We’re going to go with four acts in total. First, a 20-minute set for your opener, a band coming out of hiatus, Tina & Her Pony. Second, We got Thursday James, which there’s a big caveat, but I got him.” She stole a glance at Sam, who was glaring at her.

“Sam’s going to kill you now, I’m okay with this. Continue.” Dean half-joked before gesturing for her to continue.

“Thursday is on for a 30-minute set. And, and, and! Brandi Carlile is on board, also for a 30-minute set assuming that yours is only 45. She’s got a hell of a negotiator on her team. Wonder if she’s single.”

“Brandi, or her negotiator?” Sam leaned forward on his desk, chin resting on his knuckles.

“Her negotiator. That wit. That charm. Ugh. So unfair.” Charlie let out a little sigh before shaking it off and looking at Dean. “So, did I do good?”

“You did fantastic.” Dean set down his pen and paper before pulling Charlie into a hug. “So, what’s the caveat with Thursday James?”

Charlie winced. “Shit, I was hoping you’d forget about that.” She flipped through her pad and pulled out two sheets of paper, handing one to Dean before getting up and taking the other to Sam. “It’s well known that Mr. James is private. I took the time to look up his previous riders. NDAs, no pictures unless he’s in a mask, pretty simple stuff. His agent - who’s name sounds so familiar - sent over his ‘standard rider’ and an amendment specific to this tour.”

“No guest appearances during his set, no requesting him to come on during another person’s set, and no requesting to hang out after shows.” Sam started to rattle off what he was reading. “What the hell?”

“I asked Meg, Brandi’s negotiator, to let me know if she got the amendment as well. I know that Tina & Her Pony didn’t get it as of yet, but Mr. James’ manager may not have sent it to them yet.” Charlie shrugged. “It is strange, but it’s not unheard of.”

“Well,” Dean shrugged, “if it gets him on tour with us, then I’m happy to do it.”

Sam nodded. “I mean, it’s not a bad request. I’ve heard Sia’s rider is insane. Like, you can’t even talk to her between sets.”

“Agoraphobia’s a thing, Sam. Lighten up.” Dean swallowed hard, a brief memory from his past flashing through his mind. “Charles, they okay being on a tour that’s literally called ‘The Thanks for Coming Out Tour,’ or do we have to change that?”

“I may not have mentioned that.” Charlie rubbed the back of her neck.

“WHAT!?” Dean and Sam cried out in unison.

Charlie held up her hands in defense. “Look, we don’t want Dean’s announcement blown before he gets to make it himself, right?” She waited until Dean nodded. “I’m going to get Sam to write up an NDA for the name, then Dean’s going to announce it with the tour dates on his website in a video.”

“So they don’t get to know the name of the tour until they sign the NDA, and if they don’t sign the NDA?” Sam questioned.

“Then, they can be replaced.” Charlie brushed it off. “But after speaking with Meg and Mr. James’ representative - why the fuck can’t I remember his name? - It sounds like they’re okay with it. I think they like knowing that they’ll be in on a rumor before the rest of the world.”

Dean stole a glance at his younger brother, who let out an exhausted sigh before speaking. “I’ll leave you to your magic, Charlie. You’ve never led us astray before. Just tell me what I need to write up and get out for you.”

…

“Cassie!” Balthazar closed the door shut behind him and held up a folder. “They accepted the terms of your rider with the NDAs and sent them over, signed. Charlie’s getting the rest of their crew to fill them out, and we should have them within 48 hours.” He flipped the folder open. “They responded with a note: ‘We fully honor the requests of Mr. James’ privacy rider. However, if he finds himself in need of someone to speak to, Dean and his crew will be available.’ How charming.”

“Shut up, Balth.” Cas kicked his feet up. “I’m assuming they sent the dates over?”

“Yes, and the rest of the lineup. Tina & Her Pony, you, Brandi Carlile, and Dean.” Balthazar pulled out a paper and handed it to Cas. “There’s also an NDA for you and I to sign. They don’t want the tour’s name to go public until Dean announces it, but they want to make sure we’re okay touring under it.”

Cas looked up from the paper. “I’m assuming you already signed for me?”

“Of course, Cassie.” Balthazar sat down and rested his ankle on his knee. “It adds weight to the retiring theory. ‘The Thanks for Coming Out Tour.’”

Cas chuckled. “One can only hope. I realized that the longer we’re in the industry together, the harder it will be to hide my identity from him.”

“There is that, yes.”

“You still think I should just tell him.” Cas crossed his arms over his chest and slouched down in his chair. “I can’t do that, Balth. I didn’t work my ass off for my career to spite him.”

“You can tell that to the people who don’t know you better, Cassie.”

“If I wanted to spite him, I’d be going by Castiel Novak, not Thursday James. I would show my face and not hide behind a mask. This has always been for me, Balth. I did this. For me.” Cas hung his head. “He wouldn’t care how hard I worked anyway.”

Balthazar pushed himself out of his seat and crossed to Cas before crouching down in front of him. “I can’t pretend to know what happened, Cassie. But when you two went your separate ways? I still believe a little piece of him died.”

“You’re right. You don’t know what happened. And as much as I love you? As much as I’m thankful every day that you’re my manager, my cousin, and my best friend? You do not and will not ever know.” Cas wiped a tear away. “I’m starting to think this was a mistake.”

“It’s not too late for us to back out. I’ve been informed that there are acts dying to fill the spots for this tour.” Balthazar rested a hand on Cas’ knee and squeezed gently. “If you want me to go cancel, I’ll do it in a heartbeat.”

Cas shook his head. “We’ve already signed a million and two pieces of paper, and put in the request to have the riders printed. I got through most of the autographed merch pile...” Cas looked at Balthazar. “As long as he honors the NDAs and riders, I can get through this. It’s ten stops. And if we’re lucky, he’s retiring.”

“Are you taking off the mask the day of or the day after he announces his retirement?” Balthazar smiled, clearly trying to get Cas to laugh. “We can throw a huge party announcing your real identity.”

“Well, if he announces it at KU like you think he is, then I have to wait for an additional nine more tour stops.” Cas attempted to return his cousin’s mirth. “But, I will say that I’ve gotten attached to the name Thursday James.”

“Then, we do an interview with the highest bidder to get an inside look at your life.” Balthazar stood up, his knees cracking. “Oh, bloody hell. When did I get so old?”

“Shut up, you’re only three years older.”

“Don’t waste those three precious years, my darling Cassie.” Balthazar gently patted Cas’ cheek. “Looking forward to losing the mask?”

Cas paused, thinking before nodding. “Once this tour is over, and Dean’s retired? I’ll lose the mask.”

…

Dean stared out the window as his tour bus pulled up behind the Lied Center. Two other buses were there, as was a small caravan of vans, and Dean made a mental note to offer to charter a bus for the tour’s opening act.

“Nervous?” Sam walked up next to him and looked out the window.

“I mean, when’s the last time we were home, Sammy?” Dean looked to his brother and tried to fight the nervous frown on his face. “The closest before was Topeka, and those Will-Call tickets were never picked up.”

Sam let out a sigh. “I meant about coming out tonight, but I guess that works too. You want Cas here, don’t you?” Dean nodded, and Sam continued. “It’s been almost twenty years, Dean. I know you’re still in love with him, but you need–”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Sam. Don’t you fucking dare.”

“I’m going to, but only because you need to hear this. You need to move on. I found out about your... something, with Cas because of that god damned song. You think you could have hidden that you’re gay from Charlie and me?”

“It’s my decision if I move on or not. And I don’t want to. I never have. And, to be honest, Charlie knew.” Dean turned in his seat. “And I wanted to tell you sooner, but...”

“But I was a loud-mouthed kid, and Dad would have killed you. I get it.” Sam sat across from Dean. “You gotta know, Dean. I have only ever wanted to see you happy.”

“Thank you, Sammy.” Dean looked over to the bus door, Sam’s head turned to look as well, as it opened.

Charlie walked up the stairs, her fingers in a peace sign. “What’s up, bitches?” She hip-checked Sam and sat down next to him as he slid over. “Dean?”

“It’s just weird being home.” He swallowed. “You get everything set up?”

“Of course I did, and before you ask, yes, I checked to make sure that a pair of tickets were held for a Castiel Novak at Will-Call.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a notebook and started going over it. “Benny and the boys want to know if you have the setlist finished.”

“Yeah.” He flipped up a piece of paper and slid it over to Charlie as he prepared for their pre-venue checklist.

…

“I know you can see it, Cassie.” Balthazar took a sip from a water bottle before handing one to Cas. “How are you holding up?”

“We’re back in Lawrence. I’m on tour with Dean, but it’s as a solo act.” Cas set the bottle down and looked up at Balthazar. “Balth, did I make the right choice, or was I too lenient in letting you twist my arm?”

“Well, that’s not fair. I’ve never made you do anything you don’t want to do.”

Cas ran his fingers through his hair. “I know. Even when it could have made us - how did you say it? - filthy fucking rich, you never forced me to do it.” He picked up the mask in front of him, an emerald green one with gold embroidery and fringe, and gently traced his fingers over the ornate pattern. “I’m making a huge fucking mistake.”

“Cassie. You have been having this fight with yourself for the past month while the tour dates got finalized. We are here.” Balthazar picked the bottle up and cracked it open before handing it back to Cas. “If you need alcohol, I’ll give you a couple of shots after your set, per your rider.”

“Can we break my rider for once?” Cas pinched the bridge of his nose before picking up the bottle and taking a sip. “So, what do you need?”

“Since we’re borrowing Dean’s band for the tour, their leader - a handsome, hopefully single, drummer named Benny - is asking for a finalized setlist. He also wants to do a test run of a song or two with you for the sound crew.”

Cas pushed himself out of his seat and went back to his bedroom. He grabbed a notebook off of the bed. He stole a quick look at the picture on his nightstand - a reminder from his life 17 years ago - before rejoining Balthazar. He handed the paper over and sat back down. “Small change from the usual list.”

“Cassie...” Balthazar looked up from the setlist.

“I don’t need your criticism right now. I made sure that the song was on the possible choice list for the tour.” Cas put on his mask.

Balthazar shook his head. “Not criticizing. Just worried about you.”

…

Dean was on edge as the concert started. He had paced his dressing room until Tina & Her Pony started the first song of their set. Per his request, Charlie had gotten their music on his phone, so he could listen to it, but hearing them live was much better. He calmed down and finally sat on the sofa, drinking the water Sam forced on him.

“You look like you’re going to faint.” Sam took the seat in front of the mirror and checked himself before turning around to face Dean. “You do your grounding technique?”

“Yes, Samantha.” Dean rested his forehead in his palms and stared at the ground. “They’re probably not going to answer at the box office, are they?”

“You’re not going to find out, Dean.” Charlie looked up from her phone. “I will unplug that phone if necessary.”

Dean harrumphed and slunk down further into his seat.

“Seriously, Dean. What’s finding out if he’s here going to do? If he didn’t come, you’re going to be mopey. If he did come, you’re going to be so nervous you can’t perform.” Sam pointed at him. “Go through your grounding again.”

“I’m fine.” Dean closed his eyes and focused on the current set piping through the speakers. He gave himself a silent reminder to provide Charlie with a raise for picking the duo for the tour’s opening act.

A few songs later, one of the members thanked the audience and told them to enjoy the rest of the show. Dean opened his eyes and looked up to the monitor, and watched as they waved and stepped offstage. The stage crew stepped in quickly and prepped for the next set. Dean sat up in surprise as he watched them roll a baby grand onto the stage, not remembering which of Thursday James’ songs required it.

“Charlie?” Dean smacked her shoulder and pointed to the monitor. “I don’t remember that on his list.”

“I have no idea.” Charlie sat up in her seat and leaned forward, aptly paying attention alongside Dean.

…

Cas was incredibly impressed and surprised by how easily his set had gone so far. He was humbled and honored by the sheer number of people who were cheering for him, and he used their energy to wash away his dread and apprehension.

“Ladies, Men, and Gentlethem.” He pulled the mic out of the stand and spoke into it as he walked over to the piano. “There’s a little something special I wanted to do for you all tonight.”

The crowd cheered, and Cas took the opportunity to inhale deeply as he put the mic into the stand clipped on the piano.

“I’m sorry to disappoint, but it’s not a new song, but a song that you all are familiar with. When I first wrote it, I had intended it as a piano ballad.” Cas sat down and adjusted the mic. “A few of you may have already noted it missing from the lineup, but it’s one that I’ll always sing until I can’t anymore.”

Cas ran his fingers over the keys in a brief allegro, stirring the crowd up even more. He took in another deep breath and closed his eyes before hitting the first chord of the song.

Catch ’em by surprise and Chasin’ the horizon Nothing holds me down Askin’, “Where the time’s gone?” Dreamin’ with the lights on Tryna keep your eyes on Something along the rise

You and I Bide our time And I miss summertime

Cas found himself surprised by the number of cheers as he played. While he was there to perform for the concert-goers, this was for him. This was to get him through the remainder of the tour.

Catch him on the run, they Punish those who love young Never right on time Watch each other fallin’ Always catch the call and Whistle while we’re walkin’ Something inside me dies

You and I Why, oh, why? And I miss summertime

Cas swayed in his seat, letting the piano run through him. He fought back the tears that threatened to spill.

Keep on rockin’, baby Keep on risin’ on the tide Son of a gun and maybe We’ll be ridin’ all night Something inside me dies You and I, You and I Bide our time. And I, I miss summertime

You and I Why, oh, why? And I miss summertime

Cas hit the final chord of the song, and the venue exploded. He stared at the keys for a few moments, letting the tears fall softly before nodding. “Thank you, everyone. Enjoy the rest of the concert. Up in just a few minutes will be the amazing Brandi Carlile!”

He stood up and waved before quickly walking offstage. Balthazar led him to his dressing room. Once the door was shut, Balthazar pulled Cas into his arms and hugged him tightly. “I am so sorry, Cassie. I never realized it.”

“Realized what?” Cas sniffled.

“You two. You and Dean? You were together.”

Cas swallowed and looked up at Balthazar. At a loss for words, there was only one thing he could do. He broke down and sobbed into his cousin’s arms.

…

Dean was still shaking from Thursday’s set when he was given his five-minute warning. Brandi was terrific, and he looked forward to hanging out with her after the show, but the way that Thursday sang, the smooth whiskey sound, the profound heartbreak... Dean knew there was more there. Something was entirely familiar to him, and it was driving him crazy that he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Dean walked out to the stage, waiting in the wings for Benny to start their opening number with the rest of the band. He tried to shake himself loose, rolling his neck and stretching out when Charlie walked up to him.

“You’re working yourself up, Dean.”

“Yeah, and I’m about to come out to a sold-out auditorium, which is probably going to go viral. Forgive me if I’m nervous that I’m going to kill my career tonight.” Dean pulled his arm in front of his chest, stretching out his shoulder, before switching to the other.

“And you’re so full of shit.” Charlie looked out to the stage as Benny counted the band out. “Break a leg, Dean.” She stood up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek before stepping back further into the wing.

Dean shook himself out one more time, putting on a great big smile and ran out on stage, waving to the crowd. “Good Evening, Lawrence!”

The crowd roared, and Dean broke into his first song. Their energy was contagious, and it took all of Dean’s power to not come out right then and there. He wanted to ride the high and get it over with. But people came out on an excellent show, and he was going to give it to them. And it was all he could hope that they would still be fans when all was said and done.

After the eighth song in his set, yes, he’d been counting, Dean smiled at the crowd and winked. “I think it’s that time, huh?” He took his guitar that he had acquired during the second song off, and walked it to a stand. He picked up his acoustic guitar and grabbed a stool before setting back up in front of the mic.

“First and foremost, I want to thank y’all for coming out tonight.” Dean sat on the stool and pulled the guitar strap over his head. “I’m not sure if y’all know, but Lawrence is actually my hometown.” Cheers and whistles rifled through the crowd. “I was born and raised here, stayed until I was 19 years old. Ran off to Nashville, found a manager who thought I was decent, and here I am. Blessed by fans like y’all.

“And I mean it when I say I’m truly honored to have so many wonderful fans. But there’s something that’s been eating me up inside for a long time, and I need to be honest with y’all.” Dean strummed absentmindedly on his guitar, his fingers starting the beginning notes from memory. “Eleven years ago, my second album came out, and on it is a song that means so much to me.

But my manager, even though I’m not which one more, was concerned for my career and my safety. He refused to let me include it on the album unless I changed the pronouns.” Dean bristled at the hushed whispers going through the crowd. “While that song turned out to be one of my most significant hits, I’ve never forgiven myself for letting that change be forced onto it.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m gay. And Cas, if you’re out there. Anywhere. This has always been your song, sunshine.”

…

Cas fell off of the sofa.

The room spun around, and Balthazar joined him in a heartbeat as he stared up at the screen. His mind was racing a mile a minute as he thought through Dean’s discography.

I thought I knew the boy so well If he was sad, I couldn’t tell I missed the point I missed the signs So if he’s gone the fault is mine I know, I know a whole lot little things And even though I could list them one by one Oh, he would still be gone

Cas sucked in sharply. He knew this song. He knew it better than he would ever care to admit. He had often dreamt about it being for him.

His eyes are blue His hair was long In ’84 he was born In Baton Rouge His favorite song is “In My Life” I memorized his every move I knew his books, his car, his clothes But I paid no attention to what mattered most

Cas pushed himself up to his feet, relying on Balthazar’s shoulder for support. His eyes were locked on the screen, feet unable to move.

I never asked he never said And when he cried, I turned my head He dreamed his dreams behind closed doors That made them easy to ignore I know, I know I missed the forest for the trees All I have to show Oh, when he walked out the door The cold facts and nothing more

His eyes are blue His hair was long In ’84 he was born In Baton Rouge His favorite song is “In My Life” I memorized his every move I knew his books, his car, his clothes But I paid no attention to what mattered most

Cas started to the door, ignoring Balthazar calling after him. He ran out the door, making it to the stage as Dean began the final refrain.

His eyes are blue His hair was long In ’84 he was born In Baton Rouge His father’s tall His mother’s gone He moved out west when he was two The way he laughed The way he loved Oh my god, what did I do?

He dreamed his dreams behind closed doors I never asked he never said

Cas looked out to the crowd as Dean got a standing ovation. He wanted Dean to have this moment, to know that the audience would still love him, regardless of orientation. But Cas also wanted to know if Dean still loved him. He needed to know.

He started to walk out on stage when a hand wrapped around his arm and pulled him back. “Holy shit. Cas? You? You’re here?” Charlie looked him up and down. “Oh my god. Thursday James. Castiel James Novak.”

“Please, Charlie. Can I?”

“You have a lot of explaining to do, but you both do.” She turned him around and pushed him gently. “Go get him, and make him whole again. Please.”

…

Dean gave a final wave to the crowd before turning to walk off of the stage. He looked up from his boots, and his eyes met the bluest eyes he’d ever seen, and he’d never forget. Dean’s knees went weak and out from under him, and he grabbed the stool he’d just been sitting on. “Cas?”

An electric buzz shot through the crowd as the realization settled over the venue. Cas looked out to the audience, then took a few steps closer. Dean pushed himself to his knees, staring in awe.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean looked Cas up and down when everything clicked. “Thursday... Castiel. Fuck. How did I...?”

Cas finished closing the distance between them and held his hand down. Dean took it and allowed Cas to help pull him to his feet. Once standing, Dean hesitantly reached forward, his hand faintly touching Cas’ cheek. Cas took Dean’s hand and pressed it against his cheek, and Dean felt the first sob wreck through his body.

“That song has always been for me?” Cas whispered, and Dean nodded, unable to find his words out of shock. “You never stopped?”

“Loving you?” Dean shook his head. “Never. It has always been you, Cas. I knew what I lost, and I couldn’t move on. I won’t ever move on from you.”

Cas leaned in and pressed his lips softly against Dean’s, and Dean felt Cas’ mouth break into a smile as cheers erupted from the crowd. “Am I dreaming, Dean?”

“God, I hope not, Cas.” Dean brought his other hand up, holding Cas’ face as he rested their foreheads together. “I have missed you, so much, Cas.”

“You don’t have to anymore, Dean.” Cas kissed Dean again, reclaiming his lost love for himself and no longer dreaming behind closed doors.

#profoundnet #spncreatorsdaily #spn fanfic #deancas fanfic #destiel #au - modern #au - music #singer!dean #singer!castiel #hidden identity #lost love #reunions #rating: teen #nickel writes

[221castiel]

Let it Snow - Chapter Six

Master Post // AO3

December 11th 15 Days until Christmas

She’s pretty, hell she’s more than pretty, she’s hot, and smart, and funny, and fucking perfect, with her kind eyes and easy personality. Her black skin glowing under the bar's warm lighting as her hair fell to her shoulders in tight curls and lips were spread out in a smile. She was fucking perfect, Dean had never been more certain about anything. He should’ve been planning their next date there and then, as she talked about her job as a reporter. He should’ve been planning this wedding, their future together, the house they’d move into, the names of their kids -a boy and a girl obviously- whether they’d get a cat or a dog. Yet he couldn't bring himself to. Every time he even considered a second date his thoughts were brought to someone else.

He already had all that, even if the cat was a little bitch. He didn’t need someone new, he needed Cas.

“What about yourself,” Cassie asked, taking a sip from her cider, “you’re a highschool teacher right?”

Dean nodded, looking back down to his own glass of water, the ice cubes that had filled now melted. “Unfortunately,” he joked.

“It can’t be that bad.”

“Yah, It’s actually pretty awesome. The kids are great, most of the other teachers are great,” Dean added. “The pays shit, but I pick up some hours at an auto shop to make up for it,” Cassie nodded along though didn’t reply, probably waiting for Dean to continue, to keep the conversation going the way she had when talking about her job.

He probably should say something else, though instead he picked up the last fry on his plate and shoved it into his mouth.

The whole date had been a mistake. One big fucking mistake filled with weak attempts at conversation and fake interest in what ever Cassie had to say as if Dean didn’t have a hundred more important things to think about.

Cassie tapped her nails against their table. “How’s Jack?” She finally asked.

“Kids good,” Dean replied, “he’s excited for Christmas.”

“That’s good.”

Dean nodded, pressing his lips together as he glanced across the bar they were sat in. It wasn’t too busy, with music playing above and the low chatter of people echoing against the wall, despite that things couldn’t have been quieter, the awkward silence between them thick.

He should say something. Anything. A compliment, an apology, a joke about the shitty music that played, cause it was shitty, really shitty. Yet nothing came, Dean’s mouth suddenly dry as he glanced to the table next to their own, where a couple was having a much better date than theirs.

Fuck emotionally healthy people that could handle relationships.

“Wanna get out of here?” Dean finally asked, looking back to Cassie, who somehow still had a smile across her face, as if Dean hadn’t spent their whole date being a douchebag.

She brought her glass back to her lips, swallowing whatever was left of the cider before nodding towards the exit. “Lead the way.”

After calling over the waitress over and paying for their food -fifty fucking dollars, how the hell was their food fifty fucking dollars?- they stepped back into the streets, the cold air biting at Dean’s face. Cassie offered a small smile as they began walking in the direction of the impala, something Dean didn’t return. How could he when they were walking so close, their shoulders almost brushing, fingers only inches away; it would take seconds for Dean to lace their hands together.

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket and looked down, watching the thin layer of snow crunch under his boots. It was easier than looking at Cassie.

“Hey, “ Cassie began, causing Dean to glance up, meeting Cassie’s gaze for barely a second before he looked ahead. “Is everything alright?”

“Yah,” Dean replied, forcing an easy smile across his face, or at least what he hoped was an easy smile, though Cassie didn’t look convinced, “why wouldn’t I be, life’s awesome.”

She pressed her lips together and shrugged, “you just seem off.”

“Ya well, “ Dean kicked his foot at the snow, sending the small flakes flying forward. “Just stressed about work and shit, money's tight with the holidays.”

It wasn’t a complete lie, money was tight now without Cas there to help, especially with Christmas coming up, but it wasn’t the full truth either.

He couldn’t tell Cassie the full truth. That through the whole date he'd been thinking about his ex. About Cas’s smile, his eyes, the breathless noises he’d make when Dean kissed along his jaw. The way he tilted his head often in confusion, but occasionally when Jack did something cute or Dean made an especially bad joke in fondness. A small smile would spread across his face and his eyes would lighten up, his whole expression just warm. Or how tomorrow Cas would be on a probably much more successful date with the puppy killer Mike whatever the douchebag's last name was.

He couldn’t say any of that, it wasn’t fair to Cassie, and so, money.

Nobody wanted to talk about money issues.

Money would end the conversation and Dean could move on to something else, compliment the dress Cassie wore, ask her about her plans for the holidays, anything else.

Just change the conversation.

Change the conversation.

Change the conversation.

“And I think I’m in love with my ex,” Dean said before his mouth snapped shut and he stopped in place. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. So much for changing the conversation.

Cassie stared back, lips parted and eyes wide, as Dean swallowed, trying to breath through the ball forming in his throat. “Shit Cassie,” Dean finally choked out, “I didn't mean-“

“Oh,” She whispered.

“Son of a bitch,” Dean continued, “I’m sorry.”

“No- don’t, I should’ve seen it coming.” Cassie pressed her lips together as she ran a hand down her face, “no guy is that perfect. So what? I was some final attempt to move on?”

“Worse,” Dean mumbled.

Son of a bitch, he wanted to kill himself; step onto the street and let a car hit him, bleed out in a slow painful death like he deserved.

Cassie crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow “Worse? Like how worse.”

“Like he had a date, and I didn’t want to look like the loser who hadn’t moved on worse.”

“But you are the loser who hasn't moved on.”

“I think douchebags more suiting.” Dean replied, causing a smile to tug across Cassie’s lips.

He pressed his lips together, glancing down to his boots then back up. The streets were quiet, lit only by the few stores that were still open and the Christmas lights that had been hung by the city. Thankfully they themselves and a very confused looking old lady down the street -maybe Dean should go help her?- were the only ones in sight, letting their awful date be private.

Thank fucking hell.

“You’re talking about Jack’s other dad?” Cassie asked, and Dean looked back, holding her gaze before he gave a small nod. “I’m sorry.”

“I think that’s my line.”

Cassie tilted her head, the look in her eyes tugging at Dean’s heart. He hated that pitied look from other people, gentle and filled with concern, wanting to help, even they couldn’t. Dean had caused his problems, every single fucking problem he had was his own fault, he didn’t deserve the help, he didn’t deserve pity and like hell he deserved Cas.

If only he could keep his mouth shut for five fuckin’ minutes

“You can apologize later,” Cassie said. She took a step closer and Dean clenched his jaw, “how about we go back to mine for now?”

“Can I get you a beer?” Cassie offered as they stepped into her apartment. It was the first thing either of them had said since they’d gotten into the impala, the car ride filled with a mix of Led Zeppelin and AC/DC, not that Dean was complaining. He shook his head, and after Cassie offered a variety of other drinks that he'd politely declined, she left to get herself a beer, leaving Dean to take a seat on her couch.

The layout was the same as his own apartment, though Cassie’s was much warmer, covered in pictures and other decorations. Things that even after a year of living in his Dean hadn’t set up. He’d always blamed it on lack of time, weekdays were spent working and weekends were spent with Jack, but even when he did have the time, he could never bring himself to.

“How long were you two together?” Cassie asked as she walked back into the living and took a seat in the arm chair across from the couch.

“We don’t have to talk about this.”

“”No, I want to hear about the guy you were willing to use me for,” Dean cringed, despite Cassie's tone being more teasing than hurt. “I think I deserve that much.”

Dean sighed, “I don’t know how long we were together- a long ass time.”

“You don’t know how long?” Cassie said, “I think I know why he’s your ex.”

Dean ran a hand through his hair as if that would do anything to calm the sudden unease in his chest, an unease that always came when Cas was mentioned. “Tomorrow would’ve been eleven years and nine months,” Dean replied, mouth dry and hands clammy, even when he ran them along his jeans. “But it’s almost been a year since we split up.”

“It hurts- the first year, but it gets better.” Cassie looked down to her bottle, “I’d been dating this guy for six years, and I thought he was going to propose, but-“ Cassie inhaled and gave a small shrug, “instead he was cheating, it took months to get over him.”

‘That’s different’, Dean wanted to say, you didn’t hurt anyone, you didn’t cause the pain. You weren’t the problem.

“How’d you do it?” Dean asked instead.

“Ice cream, crying, more ice cream,” a smile tugged at Cassie’s lips. “I moved. I’d lived in the same town my whole life and I just needed something new.”

“Can’t exactly do that without leaving Jack behind.”

“Ice cream and crying it is.”

Dean smiled, “I think I’m goin’ to need a lot of ice cream.”

“He must’ve been some guy.”

“He is,” Dean replied, looking down to his lap. “He teaches English at the same high school as me, and fuck he’s smart, he could’ve been some university professor if he’d wanted.” Dean said. “but he liked us at the same school and he liked the students.”

He inhaled slowly and Cassie brought the bottle to her lips, taking a small sip. “He’s too nice for his own good, and cares about everything so fucking much, and he’s just-“ Dean hesitated, “he’s just good.”

A small smile tugged at Cassie’s lips, that sad expression once again resting across her face that had Dean looking away and instead to the Christmas decorations that filled her living room. A reindeer in the centre of the coffee table, a couple snowmen across the bookshelf, Christmas lights hanging from her windows,

“I’m worried about him,” Dean finally continued, staring at the small Christmas tree on the top of her bookshelf. It was barely a foot tall, with plastic pine needles that were a soft pink colour and a few silver balls hanging from it. “I know somethin’s wrong but I don't know how to ask, or if I’m even allowed to, you know?”

Or if Dean wanted to know, he had his guesses and fuck he hoped they were wrong.

“There’s no harm in asking,” Cassie offered, though Dean could hear the hesitation in his voice.

“We’ve only just started talking again,” Dean replied. The chance of ruining things was too high, which was selfish of Dean, wanting to hold onto whatever relationship they may have rather than make sure Cas was okay. But he’d always been the selfish one in their relationship. “I don’t want to lose him again.”

Cassie pressed her lips together. “you really love him,” she said and Dean could only nod. ‘Cause he wasn’t good with words, he could barely describe his feelings to himself, never mind someone else. All he knew was he loved Cas with every beat of his heart, with every breath he took, with everything he could offer and couldn’t.

He loved Cas the same way the earth orbited the sun, without question.

#let it snow #Destiel #Destiel fanfic #destiel fic #dean winchester #castiel #My writing

[spnreactions]

Alright! Let’s get started! 

This is actually copied and pasted from my main blog, where I posted this last night. From here on out, though, I’ll be posting them on here first and then re-blogging them on my main blog, because I can. 

And, fair warning, I get very excited and very into this show, so the reactions list will probably be pretty long. XD 

And now, without further ado, let’s watch 15x14: Last Holiday. <3 <3 

Oh we’re starting!

...did I miss the “then” title card?

Oh wait there it is.

Dude we’re going FAR back on this “then”. I wonder what that means?

My poor baby crying again. :(

DEAN’S APRON OH MY GOD I’M DEAD! XD XD <3 <3

“It was. In the 50s.” Point taken.

My poor baby. :( :( :( :(

Oh so killing Amara is officially a plan? Okay then.

“I’ve killed Hitler.” I can’t believe he’s still talking about that! XD

Actually I can believe he’s still talking about it, I take that back.

DEAN WITH THE MARIO BROTHERS OMG!!

Okay, I know this episode has something to do with them celebrating holidays because of a fairy or nymph or something like that, and this is already feeling like a light-hearted, fun, domestic Winchesters episode. I hope it stays that way. <3

Have you tried turning it back off and turning it on again? Hit reset.

HE READ MY MIND!

MEAT MAN!! XD XD

Ummm...okay then.

Also SCOOBY-DOO UNDIES!!! DEAN YOU DORK!! XD XD <3

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Jack is my favorite and Dean is my second-favorite.

“Language!” “That’s it I’m getting my gun.” XD XD

I can already tell that so many of my reactions are probably just gonna be me quoting and then laughing. XD

They don’t seem very concerned? Shouldn’t random people not be able to get in?

This lady is such a mom omg.

Mrs. Butters? XD

Wood nymph. Got it.

“Shouldn’t you be in the woods somewhere? Nymphing?” XD XD (P.S. That was my mom’s favorite line in this episode. XD)

You what now?

Necessities of life?

Hmmm….I like her, but she weirds me out. Something is off.

Dean’s “oof that’s awkward” face. XD

“2020.” Hearing that year said out loud just feels...oof. Just oof.

Poor nymph…

Wait, haven’t we seen those symbols before? Maybe I’m making that up.

HA! “It’s kind of been one apocalypse after the other.” He’s not kidding.

OOOOH!! HERE COME THE HOLIDAYS!!!

WAIT WHAT IS THAT TELESCOPE THING?

WAIT WAIT WAIT WHAT??!! A MONSTER radar??!! Dude WHAT?! Man, they’ve needed something like that for YEARS!

Wait wait wait...relatively nearby….it’s not gonna ping because of Jack is it?? SHE’S NOT GONNA HURT JACK IS SHE??!!

Oh okay nevermind. Just a vamp nest.

Say what now?

We can...that just...umm...okay then??

“Heck...heck yeah.” XD XD XD

Yeah I’m with Sam on this one. She seems innocent, but, like…

Dean does have a point though.

But also things like this never last. It’s too good to be true.

MY BABY!!!

“She’s probably harmless, but just in case, watch yourself”?? Dean that was a terrible way to do that but okay.

Snickerdoodles. XD

My poor baby looks so lost. :(

I mean...Dean makes a good point there. But also the son of Satan is adorable and she’s suspicious. But anyways.

“Ignoring your trauma doesn’t make you healthy.” SOMEONE FINALLY SAID IT OMG!!! XD XD XD <3 <3 <3 <3

...Jack is hiding something? IS JACK HIDING SOMETHING?!

...do we know what Jack is hiding??

The only thing I can think of is that he knows about Cas’s deal with the empty, but he had a soul when that happened, and it wasn’t really eating at him then. Is it eating at him more now for some reason??

IS JACK HIDING SOMETHING??!!

Jesus christ this is gonna bother me…

Okay but when has that ever actually worked, Dean?

Awww….

I’m guessing they didn’t tell her he’s a nephilim? If they don’t really trust her--which they don’t--they shouldn’t. Is there a chance she knows already? I feel like she wouldn’t be acting like that if she did.

Vamps watching a movie with vamps. Classy. XD

...ew…

At least they’re drinking from bags instead of from humans I guess?

Nice slicing at the same time, boys.

Huh. Well. That was easy. Too easy?

CHRISTMAS! XD <3

THE TRAIN OMG!! XD XD <3 <3

Their faces. XD

HER DANCE!

Okay she’s kind of adorable not gonna lie.

“We are so keeping her.” XD XD

DEAN’S LITTLE EXCITED HANDS ON THE RAILING OMG I’M DEAD!! XD XD <3 <3 <3

If I can’t get adorable Jack right now, I’m okay with adorable Dean. XD <3 <3

Sam is still suspicious, but Dean is totally into it.

“Enjoy the world you’re fighting for.” That was really quick and so subtle, but d*mn that’s a good line.

MY BABY!!!!

HIIIII JACK!!! I MIIIIISSSSSED YOOOOOUUU!!! <3 <3 <3

Uh-oh. I don’t like the way she said “what are you”. DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BABY!!!

“He’s a millennial.” XD XD

DEAN IN THAT NIGHTGOWN OMG!!! I know it was in the promo photos, but seeing it in the context of the episode is even funnier. XD

Sam’s gagging at his bro’s “down there” bits lol.

Oof. She is VERY absentminded by Jack and whatever he is. No likey.

...hmm. I still don’t trust her with Jack.

“Poppycock”???

HA!! “I’m worried about your cholesterol.”

And Sam and Jack’s little smiles at that omg. <3 <3 <3

“We got one!” IS THAT A HILLYWOOD PARODY REFERENCE/GHOSTBUSTER REFERENCE??!! Because IT FEELS LIKE ONE!!!

The way they’re running to their rooms to get ready omg.

And that cut to them being dressed and going.

LUNCHES!! XD

Their faces! XD

The cinematography in this episode is AWESOME. Go Serge Ladouceur (and yes, I looked that name up. XD)

No crusts. Blessed knives. “I just waxed it.” She IS a mom!

Wait no. Take Jack with you. I don’t trust her with him.

“What shall we do with you.” LEAVE HIM ALONE IS WHAT!

Oh. They’re doing dishes.

WAIT DON’T TELL HER THAT JACK!

...I don’t like the way she’s talking to him.

Oof. Mary. *gags*

Jack you’re adorable and I love you but please stop being so gullible and stop sharing so much personal information.

WAIT NO! I know you feel guilty, but DON’T TELL HER YOU KILLED HER!

...dangat.

...oh. That was actually super sweet, and honestly the EXACT thing Jack needed to hear. ...maybe she’s not so bad?

...wait what? She just...pulls those out of thin air?

Ha! Another hunt

THEIR FACES WITH THE LUNCHES! ESPECIALLY DEAN’S!! XD

Aww! Thanksgiving! <3

Where is Cas during all this? Talking to his angel friends I guess?

That finger gun at Sam omg.

It’s so EASY for them wow.

Halloween! Fitting given our current season.

Their little smiles awww!!

THE BEERS TOGETHER HOLY FRICK!!! IT’S JUST LIKE WHAT TEAM FREE WILL 2.0 DID WHEN JACK CAME BACK! AND what the boys and Mary and John did in Lebanon! NEVER GETS OLD!! I LOVE THIS FAMILY!! <3 <3

...I still don’t necessarily trust Mrs. Butters. BUT I LOVE SAM AND DEAN AND JACK!

Those faces for the lunches just get better and better.

GRENADE LAUNCHER!!

MJOLNIR OMG NO WAY!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE STILL HAS IT!!! THIS EPISODE HAS SO MANY EASTER EGGS OMG!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Also that is an AWESOME shot.

BIRTHDAY!! Awww… <3 <3

OOF. Poor Dean. XD

Jack’s laugh and then immediately being like “oop” and bringing his head down but still chuckling when Dean glares at him I CAN’T. XD XD

I LOVE THIS FAMILY!! <3 <3 <3

AWW!! She made extra for him!

Okay, I like her. But I’m still cautious.

Oh. THERE it is.

What’s she doing??

Jack’s got you lady.

My mom is wondering why she has to walk away to make another smoothie when before she was just producing them. I’m wondering if maybe she has to near the ingredients to whip it into a smoothie magically, but that seems weird...continuity error?

Get her, Jack. My smart boi. <3 <3

My Mom: “You better hurry it up there, Jack.”

Oh it’s evil Men of Letters dude. NOW I get why we went that far back.

Oh! AND the Thule. NOW I get why Dean mentioned killing Hitler again. Wow. Nice connections on this episode all around. Go writers.

...she did what now?

WTF??!!

HOLY FRICK!!!

HOLY S*** HOLY S*** HOLY S***!!!

Do NOT ask about tea or cookies after you just pulled sh** like that.

On a more positive note, the way Jack just said “son of a bitch” out of nowhere like that is so adorable because he, like, NEVER swears, but also that’s Dean’s saying and it just proves that he’s taking after his dads and just already growing up and AHHHH I LOVE HIM!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

Also Jack please go tell your dads what you found.

Okay so during the commercial break, my mom and I looked up wood nymphs and had this big discussion and here’s kind of what we came up with:

So we were trying to figure out if wood nymphs are supposedly evil, and we didn’t find much, but they do have super strength (which explains her ability to rip off that dude’s head…), and the ability to control wood and nature, which might explain why she can pull smoothies out of thin air.

So then we saw on the SPN Wiki page for this episode that part of the description mentions that the wood nymph would do anything for her family, and that makes me wonder if she has, like, ulterior motives to protect her wood nymph family? But also, she said the Men of Letters were her family, so that translates to Sam and Dean now, right? So theoretically, she wouldn’t hurt them, she’d be trying to protect them. Which means they should be fine, because she only hurts threats. But then my mom pointed out that maybe she considers Jack a threat and that’s a really good point, so now I’m worried all over again. She’s still acting weird with him, and even though I did like that little advice she gave about second chances, maybe it’s all an act? My mom thinks she, like, poisoned his sandwich or something with anti-nephilim juice in order to try to hurt him, but that was before she knew he was a nephilim, right? I don’t know. I think my mom makes a really good point. I hope my baby winds up being okay. :(

Okay. Back to the episode now.

Ahhhhhhhh noooooo. Where are the boys when we need them?

Wait, DATE?? EILEEN??!!

No. He isn’t. Go away.

Sam look at yoooooooouuuu. <3

But also please take a moment to notice how uncomfortable your son is and ask him what’s wrong please and thank you. (And yes, I will keep saying son thank you very much.)

Ha! She wants him to get a haircut just like Dean does. The joke’s about Sam’s (and, by extension, Jared’s) hair will never not be funny.

Ha! “Language.”

YES!! EILEEN!!!

YES SAM!! GO GET YOUR GIRL!!

DEAN! XD

Okay the Sam and Eileen thing is adorable, and Sam and Dean’s banter is hilarious, but guys...look at your son please and thank you. :(

I’m so torn between wanting Sam to just be happy and enjoy himself and wanting him to help Jack ahhhhhh.

Sam can go on his date. I’m sure Dean can handle it.

Roses! Nice touch.

Ha! Dean with the supportive big bro action.

Such. A. Mom.

“Boys.”

Wait nooooooo.

Okay but Alex’s acting right there...tip top. So subtle. Jack is trying so hard to be sneaky and warn Dean about what he saw, and the way Alex is conveying pure panic but also showing how sneaky he’s being is AWESOME.

Also that little “sh*t” or “da**it” or whatever it was that he mouthed? Somehow so cute and makes me so worried at the same time.

“The Dean Cave”?? XD XD

Dean I am BEGGING YOU, please take a cursory glance at your son.

...da**it...

The subtitles say “suspenseful music plays” XD XD

Wait Jack noooo. Don’t go after her alone! Chase Dean instead!!

NOOO!! NOT IN THERE!!!

She’s totally gonna trap him in there.

...what?

She’s being so condescending shut the fudge up.

What? No.

Does he still not have a soul? Is that what he’s hiding? That wouldn’t make sense.

Oh wait. I get it now.

HE IS NOT!!! SHUT THE FUDGE UP LADY!!

LADY STOOOOOP! HE DOESN’T NEED YOUR SH**!! HE ALREADY FEELS GUILTY WOULD YOU QUIT IT??!! :’( :’( :’( :’(

HEY! NOT COOL!

I HOPE SOMEONE RIPS YOUR HEAD OFF B***H!!

They’re not. They know he won’t now.

SHUT UP LADY!!

HEY!!! STOP IT!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!

TAKE HER DOWN JACK!!!

He IS family!

...ummm...what??

GOD DA**IT!!

...my mom literally just said “told you so” about the poisoning. ...which also explains why she walked away to make another smoothie, because she WANTED him to find the video, says my mom. And yes, my mom was right, AND I HATE IT!! SCREW YOU LADY!! LEAVE MY BABY ALONE!!

It IS safe you B**CH!!

HE’S NOT A MONSTER!!! :’( :’( :’(

DA**IT!! DEAN PLEASE DO SOMETHING!!

Ha! He’s so excited about the sandwich and it’s adorable.

But also save your son!!

...wait what?

She’s...she’s really just gonna out herself like that?

Ha! YES!

Aww...Dean’s so disappointed. :(

BUT! He’s sticking up for his son! Because even if he’s mad at him for everything that happened to Mary (but also get over it, because she sucked anyways, Dean XD), of course he’ll still protect him.

Ha! The way he just takes it away…

Aww...poor baby. :(

He’s so disappointed. He deserves better. I feel bad for him. :(

HE IS NOT! SHUSH!

Aww...looking at the sandwich, but making the right call.

AWW! He’s trying. Best of both worlds.

Take the deal, lady.

DA**IT!!!

SERIOUSLY?!

SERIOUSLY???!!!

Screw you, lady.

HEY! NOT FAIR!

He is NOTHING like his father, thank you very much!

Well...now what??

Oh thank god, Sam’s home. He’s smart. He’ll find a way to get them out.

Her calling him Samuel is both hilarious and annoying, somehow. I think it’s only annoying now because I hate her with what she just did to my boys. XD

OOOOF.

She gonna out herself again?

Sam’s face when she said that about good news and bad news. XD

I suppose the benefit of having a bad guy who thinks they’re doing the right thing is that she’s not trying to hide it. So hopefully, if she outs herself again, Sam can deal with it a little better than Dean did, knowing Dean was not very successful lol. Dean let his love of her food get in the way. XD

She DID out herself!

Ha! “You were always the smart one.”

YES! Good job, Sam. Starting off strong. <3

YES! GOOD JOB SAM!! Nice manipulation.

Ha!

Can’t believe she’s asking about the date.

Actually yes I can. XD

Wait, why don’t WE get to hear about the date? I WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE DATE DA**IT!

Well, DUH, Sam, you think they don’t know that?

Dean OMG!! XD XD

SUPPORTIVE BIG BRO!! XD XD

In Dean’s defense, he knew she’d wait for Sam, so...it’s not like they were REALLY in danger.

Do NOT try shooting her. Are you kidding me right now?

...really Sam? REALLY?! You’re going to try to SHOOT her?? You’ve seen what she can do, and you’re going to try to SHOOT her? She got the jump on JACK. POWERED UP Jack. Really? Call me crazy, but I feel like that’s not gonna work.

Yes. Yes he is. ...so much for Sam being the smart one.

I want to be mad at them for getting distracted by the holidays, but also I can’t exactly blame them given their childhoods, so…

Ha! The way they both react to the Boxing Day breakfast. Such brothers. XD

There ya go. Good plan. MUCH better than shooting her. Thank you boys.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!! Is this where we’re gonna get the “you sure this is gonna work” “let’s say yes” scene from the promo?? I THINK IT IS!! (Okay, so I MAY have watched that particular five second scene a million and one times because it had my boys in it, but I love them okay?? Sue me.)

Hey. Chill, Dean. Don’t yell at him.

Aww baby. :( :( :(

He doesn’t think you’re a monster. He’s just upset. :(

...uh oh. This convo is gonna be bad, isn’t it? :( :(

:’( :’( :’( :’( :’(

WAIT! “For a while” YES! THAT’S A GOOD THING!!

Oh wait. “Still am a little bit.”

“Evil Mary Poppins” XD XD

AWWW!! SEE JACK?! He DOES love you!! <3 <3 <3 <3

OKAY NEVER MIND THAT CONVO WAS ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD!!! I need to break that down for a second.

That convo was short and subtle and to the point, but it says SO much about Dean and Jack’s relationship.

First of all, the fact that Dean decided to be honest with Jack instead of continuing to pretend everything’s fine shows how much he really does care about Jack and how much he still trusts him and loves him. He doesn’t open up often, and I’m glad he finally did.

Second of all, he may have been blunt, but there was so much affection hidden in the way he addressed all of that. I mean, he tells Jack that he used to be really mad, and he still kind of is, but then he reminds him that just because they’re in a rough patch right now doesn’t mean he wants to lose him. Yes, Jack made a mistake, and yeah, Dean’s finding it hard to get over it, but Jack’s family through and through, and that means that, no matter what, Dean’s going to look out for him. It’s the same way he treats Cas and, more notably, the same way he treats Sam. He’s giving Jack the family treatment. And THAT is a BEAUTIFUL thing.

All of that said, between all of the OG Team Free Will, Dean’s relationship with Jack will always be my favorite (probably mostly because they’re my two favorite characters, but also because they’re amazing together), so this convo makes me so freaking happy. <3 <3 <3 <3

Sam you are being not very sneaky.

SERIOUSLY SAM??!!

I take that back. Sam is not being smart about this. *eye roll*

UGGGGHHHHH.

WHERE IS CAS WHEN YOU NEED HIM?!

Actually quick side note, one that I’m adding now that I’ve finished the episode: not having Cas around TOTALLY makes sense. Explanation included in the review.

“Because you are my favorite.” XD XD XD

She shouldn’t still be making me laugh, but dangat she’s too funny. XD

Wait noooo. No torture allowed.

I KNEW IT!! I TOLD YOU!! I CALLED IT!! SCENE FROM THE PROMO!! XD XD <3 <3 <3

I LOVE DEAN AND JACK SO MUCH!! <3 <3 <3

Ha! Fixing his hands.

YIKES!

...but did the cuffs break at least?

HA! She actually converted him to not swear.

I love how Dean makes a point of swearing extra loud after he realizes what he did. I love him. XD XD <3

Oh frick, that didn’t break the cuffs? Are you kidding me? Stupid powerful magic…

OOH! Dean’s got an idea!

THOSE LITTLE SMILES I LOVE THEM!! <3 <3 <3 <3

OH SHUT UP LADY! Are you still talking??

...okay so...trauma.

Please listen to Sam.

YES HE IS SHUSH!

Just because he has blood on his hands doesn’t mean he’s not a kid. Just saying.

Okay so I kind of feel bad for her knowing what she’s been through, but also that does not excuse her behavior. However, I will take back what I said about someone ripping her head off. I suppose that isn’t really necessary.

That said, someone please do something. :( :(

WOULD YOU QUIT IT WITH THE FINGERNAILS SUPERNATURAL??!! I STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN OVER IT FROM THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE IN SEASON 3!!!

My mom and I are both turning away owwwwwww.

STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!

Jesus Christ lady!!

“Pain is just weakness leaving the body.” Dean what?! XD XD

HEY! Smart! Way to go you two!! <3 <3

And still helping his son up YES! <3 <3 <3

Okay that could not have been a more in character moment between Dean and Jack right there. Between the “not so bad” and the helping him up and the helping him walk down the hall and Jack just following him along and I just...I LOVE THEM OKAY!! <3 <3 <3

AHHH!! SHE TOOK OFF SO MANY FINGERNAILS JESUS!!

SHUT UP LADY!!

YES!

...Dean honey that was the reset button…

There’s no way that did the job. Too easy.

Problem not solved!! Problem DEFINITELY not solved!!

Creepy green eyes!!

Oh she looks maaaaad. That’s not good.

HEY!!! What happened to not hurting family??!!

LEAVE THEM ALONE!!

Which family??!! Cause YOU’RE the one destroying them!

No he won’t.

“You hurt him, you hurt us.” GREAT line!! YES SAM!! <3 <3 <3

Oooh!! He’s getting to her!! <3 <3

Oop. There’s our backstory. Mr. Cuthbert wouldn’t let her go back. Not that I’m surprised, given what he did to Dean all those years ago.

Yes. Yes he did.

YAY! Dean jumping in to save his son. <3

NICE! Good call, Dean! <3

THAT FACE!! Jack’s face!! <3 <3

YES!!!! YES!!! GOOD JOB BOYS!! <3 <3 <3

Awww….poor Mrs. Butters…

Okay now I feel really bad for her. And a little guilty that I called her a b***h. I’m still kind of mad at her, but...her motives make sense.

Hey yay! She healed him!

Wow, this nymph is POWERFUL. Now that she’s nice again, can we, like, actually keep her? Cause that’d be an awesome ally to have.

Aww...Jack being the one to voice their forgiveness. So pure, especially since she was after him all that time. <3

Awww….Dean wants her to stay. He’s so upset. XD

But he also gets it. :) <3

OMG!! That shot with all three of them looking at her and those sweet little smiles they give her as she’s talking about home. There was just so much...genuineness in that! I loved it! <3 <3

Jack being the voice again. <3

Okay, she looks hecka cute in that outfit.

Oof. That makes sense lol. It would be way too easy if it didn’t revert back.

...inter what now?

Oh shoot...that just proves Chuck destroyed all the worlds...lovely….

Awww!! <3 <3

Ha! Her little words of wisdom to them! To reiterate: SUCH. A. MOM. XD XD <3 <3

Sam and Dean’s smirks at each other when she tells them to do the same things they’ve been telling each other to do for years--eat your vegetables and cut your hair. XD

Awww….that little extra nose crinkle and smile at Jack when she tells him to save the world. <3

I also just realized that this breaks my theory that anyone who meets Jack instantly falls in love with him because of how adorable he is. Though, I guess she’s a little different given that extra little motivation to protect her family in the only way she knows how. Plus, trauma.

Oof. Bye bye extra magic.

Aww...this convo between Jack and Sam. <3 <3

Aww Jack… :( :(

You weren’t stupid, baby. You all fell for it. :(

Aww….he’s looking for faith from Sam.

And Sam just gave it to him. <3

I know the line seems desperate, and in a way, it is, but the way that Sam gave him a little smile shows that it’s more than that. They are desperate, and Jack is their only hope, but also, Sam knows Jack can handle it, because he does have faith in him. It’s a short convo, but it says so much.

That tin has a birthday cake for Jack, made by Dean. Calling it right now.

“He loves that apron.” XD <3 <3

I KNEW IT AND I LOVE IT OMG!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

THAT’S SO ADORABLE!!! And that is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT Dean’s way of telling Jack that he still loves him, and that he forgives him. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

THEIR LITTLE SMILES!! <3 <3 <3

I’M SCREAMING!!! ALL OF THEIR SMILES AT EACH OTHER I FREAKING LOVE THIS FAMILY!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I SERIOUSLY LOST ALL FUNCTIONALITY JUST NOW TO THE POINT WHERE I’M ADDING THIS COMMENT LATER BECAUSE AHHHH!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

AWESOME ending shot. It’s a great way to end a much more light-hearted episode while also setting us up perfectly for knowing that things are about to get heavy and serious. I bet whatever Jack wished for, it has something to do with taking on God.

Okay, so...those reactions were a lot longer than I was anticipating, and I want to apologize, but also, I did warn you. XD That said, review time!

I loved this episode! It was absolutely hilarious, but also sweet and touching. It mixed some crazy and fun moments with some of the most subtly emotional ones, both negative and positive. I absolutely loved all the Easter Eggs, and I loved watching the boys have a chance to celebrate holidays in a way that they never have before, especially with Jack. The facial expressions in this episode killed me. Between all of the little smiles and dorky excitement, I was laughing and smiling right along with the characters. Some stand-out moments/things for me:

That convo between Dean and Jack. I already broke it down above, but seriously, I love how they did that. As a huge fan of Dean and Jack and their relationship, the way that those two interacted this episode was beautiful and really sets up the fact that they’re going to need to lean on each other for support as a whole family in the coming fight, and I loved that. <3

Sam going on a date with Eileen! <3 Initially, I had a theory that Sam and Eileen would end up together at the end of all of this, but when she left a few episodes ago, I threw that idea out the window and it made me sad. So the fact that they went on a date and got to see each other again--even if we didn’t get to see it--makes me so happy and brings back my hope that they’ll end up being together. <3 That said, I am 100% going to write a fanfiction of that date, since Supernatural chose to keep it from us. XD

The acting really stood out to me in this one. Maybe it’s just because it’s been so long since I’ve seen them doing something new, but I honestly feel like J2 and Alex nailed it even more than usual. I mean, their facial expressions were seriously so amazing in this episode. Between the really dorky moments and the subtle emotional moments, I felt like their faces were always saying so much and I loved it. <3

One thing I want to address is the lack of Cas. I know a lot of people were upset that he wasn’t in it, especially since the boys were celebrating so many holidays with Jack, and while I agree that it would’ve been beautiful to have him there, it makes perfect sense that he wasn’t there based on the trajectory of the episode and everything that happened. For starters, if Cas had been there, the wood nymph business would’ve been solved INSTANTLY. Cas is always extra suspicious of people, so if she didn’t trust him because he was an angel, the odds of her getting the jump on him would’ve been slim. And yes, she did poison Jack with the smoothies, but, as this episode continued to point out, Jack is still a kid, so he’s still much more naive and gullible. Plus, he’s upset and guilty and confused and just generally vulnerable now that his soul is back, so it was easy for him to trust and be manipulated. But if Mrs. Butters had tried to do the same thing to Cas, (and I’m picturing that one scene with the milkshake in Peace of Mind here) there’s no way he would’ve fallen for it. More importantly, with how worried he is about Jack, he would’ve been really vigilant about the way she was talking to him and everything, and he probably would’ve caught the poisoning long before it could really hurt him. And you can argue that Sam and Dean probably should’ve picked up on it, which is true, however, even they admit that they get distracted in the fun of it all. While it would’ve been great to see Cas in on the festivities, he wouldn’t have been quite as distracted by it as the boys were, and with his vigilance, there’s no way any of them would ever have gotten hurt. He’d be watching Mrs. Butters like a hawk, and the second she did something suspicious, she’d be gone. That said, I can understand if people want to say that’s dumb, because if they didn’t want Cas to defeat the villain so easily, they shouldn’t have had a villain that could be so easily defeated by Cas, and I’m sure some people feel like that’s a stupid excuse. To which I also offer this.  After seeing those convos between Dean and Jack and Sam and Jack, and knowing that the episode ends with the three of them celebrating Jack’s birthday, Cas’s absence makes even more sense: this episode wasn’t about him. I love Cas, but it didn’t need him. See, Cas already has an undying love for Jack. While Cas definitely saw Mary as family, he never had the same emotional connection to her that Sam and Dean did--for obvious reasons. But he definitely had--and still has--a very strong emotional connection to Jack. He’s always been the most involved in being Jack’s father--again, for obvious reasons. But even after the Mary incident, it was Cas who went to find him, who tried to help him, and who wanted to protect him. Cas always loved him and always trusted him, and he always will. But Sam and Dean lost a lot of trust for Jack after what happened to Mary...and this episode fixed that. Because Cas wasn’t around, it gave Jack a chance to prove himself to Sam and Dean again. Sam had already pretty much forgiven him, but Dean was definitely on the fence. He even says it. But the fact that Dean had that conversation with him and said everything he did proves that Dean still loves him, and it gave Jack the reassurance he needed that, while Dean is still mad, he doesn’t hate him, and he doesn’t think he’s a monster. And while Sam and Jack were on pretty good terms, Jack was still worried that Sam couldn’t trust him--that Sam didn’t have faith in him anymore. But when Sam tells him that he knows he can defeat God, Jack gets confirmation that Sam does still have faith in him. And after all of that, after celebrating all of those holidays together, and having both of those conversations, to then end that with Sam and Dean celebrating Jack’s birthday? That’s what this episode was about. Sure, it was a silly monster of the week episode. Sure, we got some adorable and hilarious moments. And sure, we got to see them celebrate things that they never got to celebrate in a real way before. But underlying all of that, we got to see Jack become part of Sam and Dean’s family again. We got to see them bond. And knowing that this is right before they all prepare to take on God--Jack needed that. The boys needed that. They needed to all trust each other again. And the fact that they celebrated his birthday at the end proves that they do. They’re a family again. They have each other’s backs. They trust each other. And they love each other. And as much as I love Cas, and as much as I would’ve loved to have seen him be a part of their holidays, he didn’t need to be. But those three did. And that’s why Cas wasn’t in the episode. So, frankly, full points to the writers for making that happen. While they gave us a fun episode, and they may have left out a fan favorite character, it created an underlying theme that’s really going to matter as we get into the big stuff of Season 15. And that’s awesome.

All in all, I thought this was a great episode, and I’m so glad that this is how we get to jump back into the season. Not only was this episode hilarious and fun, but it was also a great set-up for the coming battle and for all the hard and serious things that are bound to come in the next several episodes.

Rumor has it that this was the last “silly” episode of the show, and while that’s a sad thought to think about, it totally makes sense with what they did with the episode, and frankly, I think it’s a beautiful silly one to have ended on and a great way to lead into everything that’s coming next.

My Rating: 10/10

#spn #spn season 15 #supernatural #supernatural spoilers #15x14 #last holiday #supernatural season 15 #spn spoilers #season 15 #spn reviews #spn reactions #my opinion

[writtingsofspn]

Nighttime Confession

Request: Cas finds out the reader has strong feelings for dean and talks to her about it

Pairings: Dean x reader

Warning: swearing

A/N: As always please let me know what you think!!! I love feedback!!!

Dean downed his fifth drink for the night, and yes you were counting. He was telling you a story, or well Sam Cas and you a story but you seemed to constantly forget about the rest of the world as he spoke. He was fully engaged in telling the story, wide eyes, shaking his head enthusiastically, his left arm wildly gesturing, his right arm, however, was casually slung over your shoulders.

This was the only thing all night you seemed capable of focusing on. You had no idea what his story was about but loved the way he told it, loved the glee he seemed to feel from being able to tell it, but had no clue as to what was happening. You had no clue what was happening with the arm over your shoulders either. The logical part of you knew it was just because he was drunk, needed something to do with it so it was flung over your shoulder, afterall you were his best friend it wasn’t weird or anything.

But god you hoped it was more. You hoped that this was a totally purposeful action, that he craved the touch of your skin as much as you did his, that he just wanted to pull you closer to him, that you meant as much to him as he did to you.

You had thought about reaching up and lacing your fingers into his a thousand times, knowing that in this state he wouldn’t even remember you doing it the next morning let alone think twice about it in this instant. But Sam and Cas were watching you, Cas at least much too soberly.

“Fuck I have to pee”

It wasn’t Dean’s statement so much that caught your attention as the action of him pulling his arm back from around you. Without much thought you started to reach out to him as he left, your hand hovering above the leather seat he had just left vacant wanting to pull him back to you.

You looked up thankful to see Sam watching his brother stumble across the bar instead of you. The younger Winchester shaking his head with a chuckle “I should probably get him back to the room”

You wanted to protest, unsure of when he’d next be drunk enough to interact with you like that again but knew that you couldn’t. Any argument wouldn’t have much of a ground to stand on, plus at this point Dean definitely did need to be put to bed.

“Probably for the best” You forced the words out hoping they didn’t sound too weird.

Cas didn’t say anything, instead stared intently at you, a blank expression on his face, making you uneasy. You’d spent the past few months hiding your feelings well, or at least you thought so, but with how Dean had been acting tonight you were sure you had gotten sloppy. All too eager to see the older Winchester brother expressing some sort of affection towards you. Though surely Cas hadn’t caught that.

The sound of Sam’s voice broke you from your chain of thought “Hey man let’s head back to the motel room”

You looked up to see Dean standing at the table, swaying slightly on the spot.

“Alright, is Y/N coming?” He asked in what you wished was a hopeful tone.

“Actually I was hoping I could talk with Y/N for a minute” It must have been the first time Cas had spoken all night and you could feel the fear rising in your throat.

You didn’t even look at Cas when he said it, not at all surprised by the angel’s words after the looks he had just been shooting you. You watched Dean instead, happy to see him shoot the angel a death glare, as if he were fighting for your attention. “I’ll meet you there in a bit” you assured him.

Dean looked back at you apprehensively before finally nodding and allowing Sam to escort him out of the bar.

You watched them leave, waiting until the door had closed behind them before turning back to Cas who wasted no time before jumping into conversation.

“So when are you going to tell him?”

Your first inclination was to play dumb “What are you talking about?”

“Tell Dean that you’re in love with him” The angel answered bluntly surprising you.

You opened and closed your mouth several times, your brain working overtime to try and come up with a coherent thought “Well-I-uh-I don’t know if I would go that far”

“I would” He responded quickly “You display all of the classic characteristics when you interact with him”

“We’re just friends Cas” You tried to explain.

“But you want to be more” Cas shook his head “and he loves you too, so I don’t see the harm in telling him”

“Dean is not in love with me” You were quick to disagree, having spent too long hoping the opposite “we’re best friends, he doesn’t want to be more than that”

“It’s obvious that he does. Did you see the way he was acting tonight?”

“He was just drunk” You dismissed the thought quickly; your hopes were too high already.

“I saw the way you acted tonight too” Cas said slowly “You seemed happy”

You bit your tongue, you didn’t have an answer for that. You were happy, exuberant even just from a stupid arm over your shoulder. Is this really what it’s come too? An arm over your shoulder was all it took for you feel excited.

“You just have to tell him how you feel, and it can be like that all the time”

“And when he tells me he doesn’t feel the same way and I have to leave it won’t be.” You’d gone over the scenario too many times in your head. You knew how this story played out and it wasn’t exactly a happy ending.

“The Winchester’s aren’t going to make you leave because of something like that”

“Not directly” You agreed “but after a confession like that Dean and I will never be the same and I don’t think I can handle that”

Cas paused for a moment “Y/N you deserve to be happy and I think Dean could be the one to help make that happen. But even if he isn’t it if you tell him how you feel and he rejects you at least then you can move on and find the man who will…if you just keep ignoring it you’re going to be stuck feeling exactly like you do now”

“There’s nothing wrong with how I’m feeling now” It wasn’t a total lie. Things were fine. Hunts were going well, you enjoyed your time spent with the Winchesters. Everything was fine. Just fine.

“But it could be better.”

You just shook your head and stared at your hands. A part of you knew Cas was right, that it was time to put everything on the line and move on. From what you understood there were really only two options for Dean to respond with, he either accepts or rejects you. And maybe things turn out ok, you end up dating your crush of god knows how long but maybe they don’t and you end up alone hustling pool for money just to get by. In all honesty you were terrified by the second option, not just because you’d be alone you’ve been alone for most of your life that was no big deal, but because the idea that the man who you hold in the highest esteem, whom you love more than anyone you’ve ever loved before, could think nothing of you, it fucking hurt.

“Y/N you are smart, funny, and beautiful. Dean would be an idiot to reject a girl as perfect as you”

You smiled and took a deep breath before looking back up at Cas, a little surprised to see total sincerity on his face. He really was trying and surly that had to count for something. Surly that meant he saw in Dean what you sometimes swore you could see too. “Do you really think he likes me back?”

“It seemed obvious to me”

You chuckled under your breath at his words, loving the simplicity with which they came out, as if they were fact.

“I just want what’s best for you. And Dean.”

You nodded, biting your lip “I’ll try and tell him tomorrow. I make no promises though.” And you meant it. Maybe Cas was right, maybe it was time to try and go after your own happiness.

Cas nodded understandingly “That’s all I ask”

You gave him a small smile before standing up “You’re a good friend Cas. I’ll see you tomorrow” He just nodded in goodbye, giving a small awkward wave that made you laugh before you walked out of the bar and headed back towards the motel room.

The lights were off as you crept in, throwing on shorts and a t-shirt silently in the dark before slipping into bed beside Dean.

He tossed a bit as you got into bed, taking almost no time to turn around and pull you into his chest, a position you often woke up in with him whenever you shared a bed.

You took a few deep breaths, taking a few moments to mentally prepare yourself for what would come next. “Dean” You whispered, not expecting a response, in fact not really hoping for one “I love you” you tried the words out, amazed at how natural they felt coming out.

You could feel his arms around your waist tighten as he pulled you further into his chest as he nuzzled his head into your neck.

“I love you too sweetheart”

#dean x reader #dean winchester #dean fic #dean fanfiction #dean imagine #SPN #spn fanfic #spn oneshot #spn imagine #supernatural oneshot #supernatural one shot #supernatural imagine

[mittensmorgul]

This talk of the early seasons gives me another question: do you think the demons were trying to break John in hell? Like, were they trying to break the first seal with John a couple years before Dean? Or do you think breaking Dean was the original plan all along? (I'm aware the writers wouldn't have known about the seals while writing John being in hell seasons 1/2. I'm concerned about the Watsonian perspective here.) Thanks for your wisdom btw, I love your perspective on this stuff 😬

Hi there! First off, thanks! I do my best, and I’m glad you’re enjoying it :D

Second, wheee! Watsonian perspective is what I care most about, so I’ll stick to that. Well, mostly… the one thing I feel I do need to bring up is the timeline of s2, which I would suggest falls roughly over the span of time during which it airs– that’s to say that 2.01 (where John dies) and 2.22 (where John pops out of Hell and gives the assist in killing Azazel) are approximately eight to eleven months apart, depending on which theory of the timeline you subscribe to.

We know that 2.22 takes place immediately after the events of 2.21, which we have a concrete date for– Dean sells his soul on May 2, 2007. According to the Superwiki, John was killed by Azazel on July 19, 2006, but that’s a guess based on the date listed on the heart monitor of the girl who dies in the hospital in 2.01. And we all know how… timey-wimey those sorts of props can be, and I’m uncomfortable making definitive timeline estimates based on just those things. But for the purposes of this post, we’ll assume the range of potential timeline for 2.01 runs between late July and late September 2006 (since 2.01 aired on September 28, 2006, and often without other concrete dates, we assume canon runs approximately parallel to our real time).

So, John was in Hell for somewhere between 8 and 10 months, approximately, of canon standard time. But what do we really know about that time he spent in Hell?

We know DEAN’S experience in Hell, where he was being specifically worked over to the point of breaking. We know that his four months (actually more like four and a half– from May 2, 2008 through his resurrection date of September 18, 2008), but that it actually felt more like 40 years to him.

I need to stress this specifically, because the fandom assumption has always been “well, this is just what time is like uniformly throughout Hell, and not a targeted, concentrated experience catered specifically to accelerating Dean’s progression to surrender and pick up the blade himself, in fulfillment of the prophecy.”

I… always assumed that Dean’s experience was unique in Hell, and that– based on every other glimpse we’ve seen of Hell– Time runs… pretty much like normal Earth time there. Think of Crowley’s meeting with Cas in 6.20, in Hell’s waiting line. Or 11.09-11.10 (where we see more of Hell than ever before– both Crowley’s “dining room” there, several passageways, and the “stage cage” in Limbo), where time in Hell parallels exactly the characters who are still on Earth. While waiting for Dean and then Cas to arrive, for example, Sam only spends about half an hour with Lucifer in the cage alone, and Crowley and Rowena only spend the same amount of in-show time there as it takes for Dean and Cas to arrive, respectively. Finally, we have 8.19, wherein we know Sam had exactly 24 hours to break into Hell, retrieve Bobby, and escape to be picked up by the reaper who never arrived because Crowley was killed. Sam’s time “in Hell” exactly paralleled Dean’s time on Earth, as well as “purgatory time,” which we know runs approximately parallel to Earth Time after Dean spent “about a year” there.

So the logical conclusion is that “Hell Time” is malleable, but that Dean’s experience there was… unique. According to the prophecy they were ALL trying to bring about, Dean was put on the Break-The-Righteous-Man-Speed-Run plan. And I do believe this was a highly specific circumstance, and that Dean’s “Hell Time Dilation” was specific to his time in Hell, and not a universal blanket statement on how time works in Hell in general.

So… I postulate that John only spent those 8-10 months in “normal time” in Hell. And despite Alastair’s taunts in 4.16:

Alastair: John Winchester. Made a good name for himself. A hundred years. After each session, I’d make him the same offer I made you. I’d put down my blade if he picked one up.Dean: Just give me the demon’s name, Alastair.Alastair: But he said nein each and every time. Oh, damned if I couldn’t break him. Pulled out all the stops, but John, he was, well, made of something unique. The stuff of heroes. And then came Dean. Dean Winchester. I thought I was up against it again. But daddy’s little girl, he broke. He broke in thirty. Oh, just not the man your daddy wanted you to be, huh, Dean?

Because JOHN WAS NEVER THE ONE THAT NEEDED TO BREAK. But Alastair was intimately familiar with Dean’s experience, intimately familiar with how to HURT DEAN SPECIFICALLY, and this was an excellent try. But John… was NEVER the righteous man who needed to break, according to the prophecy. It ALWAYS had to be Dean. So… why would John have been tortured that way?

Not to mention, if John HAD been literally strapped to Alastair’s table, tortured constantly for his entire time in Hell, then how the heck did he manage to sneak out the Hellgate in 2.22? Like… think about it for a second.

The demons who escaped were essentially “in the right place at the right time,” because the one demon Azazel was trying to let out– which we won’t learn until 4.22– was Lilith.

We assume that the other demons who managed to sneak through before the gates were slammed shut happened to be Lilith-adjacent– such as Ruby (who knew Lilith’s whole plan from the start), and other demons who were already loyal to Lilith (such as Casey from 3.04, and Tammi from 3.09, and eventually all the demons Lilith surrounded herself with in 3.12 and 3.16).

And yet… out strolled John Winchester. Because Hell literally didn’t need him anymore. Dean had already made his deal. The clock was ticking on the guy they ACTUALLY needed. And heck if that doesn’t parallel exactly what Zachariah said to Adam in 5.18:

ZACHARIAH: Hey, don’t get me wrong. You’ve been a hell of a sport, really. Good stuff. But the thing is, you’re not so much the “chosen one” as you are…a clammy scrap of bait.ADAM: No…but what about the stuff that you said? I’m supposed to fight the devil.ZACHARIAH: Mmm, not so much. Hey, if it’s any consolation, you happen to be the illegitimate half-brother of the guy we do care about. That’s not bad, is it?ADAM: So you lied…about everything.ZACHARIAH: We didn’t lie. We just avoided certain truths to manipulate you. 

Because that’s the thing with this show– Heaven and Hell are pretty much the same. Sam goals, same methods, same objectives, just with a different set of aesthetics, a different interior decorator if you will.

If John had actually been tortured the way Alastair claimed in 4.16, would he have just been at liberty to conveniently stroll through the gate in 2.22? Would he have even been able to leave at all? Would he have looked so fresh as a daisy? I mean

Looks pretty good for a dude just strolled outta hell, you know? Not even the least bit demon-y, right? And we know it takes a heck of a lot less time than a century for a human soul to be demonized in Hell… So everything else– aside from Alastair’s statement to Dean in 4.16, which was a deliberately targeted barb specifically said to make Dean doubt himself while he was actively torturing the demon who’d tortured HIM for four decades and therefore HIGHLY suspect in context of the rest of canon– would suggest that John had been basically stashed in Hell’s Cold Storage for about 8 months while the demons were meticulously arranging circumstances on Earth to set up the events of 2.21-2.22, luring Dean into selling his soul for Sam, and Azazel getting the Devil’s Gate opened to let Lilith escape.

Because strangely enough, I believe the Crossroads Demon in 2.08 more than I trust Alastair in 4.16:

DEAN: Can you bring him back? My dad?DEMON: Of course I can. Just as he was. Your dad would live a long and natural life, like he was meant to. That’s a promise.DEAN: What about me?DEMON: I could give you ten years. Ten long good years with him. That’s a lifetime. The family can be together again. John, Dean, Sammy. The Winchester boys all reunited. (she advances towards him) Look. Your dad’s supposed to be alive. You’re supposed to be dead. So we’ll just set things straight, put things back in their natural order. And you get ten extra years on top. That’s a bonus.

John was never the one they actually wanted. John was never going to work as the Righteous Man, or as Michael’s True Vessel for the purposes of the specific prophecies of the Apocalypse. As Gabriel once said in 5.08:

GABRIEL: You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy’s plan. You were born to this, boys. It’s your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other.DEAN: What the hell are you saying?GABRIEL: Why do you think I’ve always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always.

So… no, I think John’s tenure in Hell was probably a boring (compared to Dean’s) few months spent adjacent to Lilith so she could keep an eye on him in case Dean did take some sort of demon deal to trade his life back for John’s before they were scheduled to.

And finally, a bit of a Doylist justification for all of that: I don’t think any of this was planned back when s2 was being written. I don’t think they’d considered the later retcon of s4 and Dean’s “forty years” in Hell while writing s2. I don’t think they’d thought any of this was part of some larger prophecy of the Apocalypse yet. None of that came about until 4.01, because there had NEVER been any intent to introduce Angels or Heaven into the cosmology of that universe until that point anyway. So… they made the most out of what they had already stated canonically, and left it to us to make the most sense out of it. And this ^^ is my best, least plot-holey, most canon-compliant theory based on the entirety of canon. :)

#spn 2.01 #spn 2.22 #spn 4.16 #spn 5.08 #spn 5.18 #spn 4.22 #spn 3.04 #spn 3.09 #spn 3.12 #spn 3.16 #spn 2.08 #spn cosmology #the ghost of john winchester #heaven hell purgatory and the empty #spn 6.20 #spn 11.10 #spn 8.19 #Anonymous #spn timeline

[thranduilsperkybutt]

While You Were Sleeping --- A Supernatural AU

Gif source:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4

Series Masterlist

Pairings:  Dean Winchester/Reader; Sam Winchester/Reader

Warnings:  Flangst in the first chapter, but there will be more Fluff than angst to come!! Me being a cheesy sap! Writing that will never be as good as the movie, but hell I tried! [Technically the first chapter involves Sam getting hurt… but don’t worry it’s not too angsty!]; Possibly OOC characters?

Word Count:  3,290 words

Reader Gender:  Female

Author:  Meg

Summary:  You live a simple life. You go to work at Charlie’s Coffee House, you pay your bills, you fantasize about finally bucking up the courage to speak more than three words to the tall, attractive regular who you knew only by the name that gets scrawled on the side his coffee cup. Simple. Up until the minute you wind up accidentally becoming his fiancée, that is... and he doesn’t even know it yet. [While You Were Sleeping AU, Coffee-Shop!AU? --- I’m playing fast and loose with the plot.]

A/N:  Don’t judge me! I love While You Were Sleeping and I really wanted to write this AU for SPN! I added in a coffee shop because I love coffee shops! This is shameless self-indulgence and not much else tbh...  I plan on this being several parts, but I don’t have how many pinned down yet! Second part is in progress right now, so I decided to post this one. [Also, due to school, it may take some time for me to post chapters, so please be patient with me!] Give me feedback to let me know if I should keep this going, or what you’d like to see in later chapters!

|  Part 1  |  An Accidental Engagement

Your name: submit What is this?

Just the sight of him was enough to have your breath catching in your throat. He moved through the coffee shop familiarly, with a confident grace as he arrived right on the six-thirty dot as had become routine. He looked crisp in his dark suit, which was no doubt expensive if the glance you got beneath his heavier winter coat was anything to go by. It was the height of winter, in that freezing limbo between Christmas and New Years, but the murky clouds above were determined stay, bordering on the threat of snowfall. Long, leather-gloved fingers push back the chocolate locks of hair that had cascaded into his vision as he ordered the same thing he always did, before moving to the side to wait on his order, completely oblivious to the way you had barely been able to function since he came in the door as he turns his attention down to his phone.

“Sam!” Charlie barks out not three minutes later, her fiery red hair tied up into a bun that was already falling down her neck and would most likely fall to pieces before her shift was over. Your heart skips a beat as the tall man looks up from his phone before taking his nonfat soy latte from the pass and hurrying towards the door in long, fluid steps without a second glance behind him, instead focused on whatever important text he was tapping away on his cell.

You sigh, watching him leave. There he went, your future husband, in all his mountainous glory. You could see it now, the two of you together. You could fit perfectly under his arm, thanks to his height. Maybe you could even warm to the idea of having a few rugrats running around eventually, if it was with him. Of course, it would be after he inevitably proposed and you had your own luxurious, fairy-tale wedding. You hoped they would look more like him, with his hazel eyes, and dark hair---

Charlie swatting playfully at your butt with a dishtowel brings you out of your fantasy, forcing the empty coffee mug in your hands back to the forefront of your attention, “Hey, lovergirl, quit drooling and get back to work!” Thankful the door had just closed behind Sam, you jump a bit at the smack. You shoot her a light glare, but still feel the pang of embarrassment at having been caught. Charlie just snickers at you, looking back to the line as Cas takes the next customer in her absence, “Look, chica, I don’t know why you don’t just go on and talk to the suit already! You've nothing to worry about. I know a billion girls who would think they went to heaven to be on a date with you! You’re gorgeous, and a super cool friend, which is a diamond in the rough to find nowadays.”

“Don’t butter me up like one of your croissants, Char! I don’t think talking to your online girlfriends would be the same as bucking up the courage to talk to him,” even though you roll your eyes, you can’t deny the gratefulness you had for her compliments. She single-handedly boosted your self-esteem half of the time, but you doubted it would ever actually grow enough for you to actually make a move on Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome who frequented her coffee shop.

“If this Friday goes well, it won’t be online anymore! I’ve got that date with Ruthy, remember?” Charlie reminds, adding a slight, happy squeal to the end of her declaration as she pulls the lever to the latte machine, a tuft of air accenting her giddy excitement as she froths the next order’s milk.

“And you’ll totally knock her socks off! But, me?” Finishing up the order you had, you send it to the pass with a call of, “I’ve got a black coffee for… Chuck,” before looking back to your boss, “I can’t make it past three words when he comes in! You know that you and Cas have to handle his order all the time, because I’m completely useless when it comes to actually speaking more than one singular word to his stupid, beautiful face.”

She glances back at you skeptically, in the midst of making the espresso order Cas had sent her way before taking his next customer, only to chuckle at your pout, “But have you even tried---?”

The sound of tires screeching violently and people shouting interrupts Charlie and pulls you away from the conversation, your attention shooting towards the glass door to focus on a commotion beyond the windows of Charlie's Coffee House. Your heart jumps into your throat, a sharp fear rushing through you as you realize what is happening in the parking lot.

You didn’t know you could move that fast, as you hadn’t a reason to in the past couple of years, but you closed the gap to the door quickly with how you found yourself running. Disregarding anything else in your haste to get to the scene outside, you pushed out into the winter morning without a care for the way the wind whipped through you, unable to settle it’s chill into your bones with the heat of the adrenaline already warming you.

Not bothering to stop at the driver, you dart past him, barely catching the stunned explanation, “He--- he just walked right out in front of me, on his phone! I didn’t see him until he was right there!” There, on the ground not three feet from the grille of the driver’s Audi, was your favorite customer, his nonfat soy latte scattered and soaking slowly into the unforgiving asphalt.

“Sir? Sir!” you rush to his side, slightly out of breath as you gently press at his shoulders. When you get no response, your gentle pressing grows rougher in an attempt to get him to stir, your voice coming more frantic and scared at the lack of response, “S-Sir, are you okay? Please, say something if you can hear me!” That’s when you notice the blood beginning to pool from beneath his head. Heart hammering in your chest, you turn towards the driver and shout with far more assertion than you ever had in your life, “Call 9-1-1, right now!” Looking back to him, you don’t dare move him, freezing up in a horrifying moment of uncertainty. What do I do? What do I do?

“Oh my god,” you faintly recognize Charlie’s voice from beside you, watching her grey converse sneakers step closer in your peripheral as your hands press into the asphalt, cold and wet beneath your fingers, while you try to get enough of a grip to be useful at all.

Mustering up his name, you urge, hearing the desperation to your voice, “Sam? Sam, come on, buddy… tell me something!”

“I don’t think he’s breathing,” comes gruffly from Cas, who looked on from the sidelines, but still managed to notice something that you hadn’t. You were beginning to draw a crowd now, and Sam still hadn’t stirred yet.

Glancing around frantically, catching the eyes of anyone who would look at you directly, you ask, “Is anyone a doctor? Or nurse? EMT?” When you get only a collective, resounding murmur in response, you look back to Sam, unresponsive and most certainly not breathing at this very moment. You knew you needed to act fast.

If the CPR class you took for kicks last summer was ever going to do you any good, now would be the time.

“Oh, god. Okay. I got this. I got this,” hands shaking you wipe the gravel off your hands before you press them, hard, one atop the other, in the center of his chest, silently praying that you don’t break any ribs, “Sorry, Sam…”

You were still shaking by the time you got to the hospital. Whether it was from the ordeal or from the chill that had finally soaked into you, you didn’t know. Charlie urged you go with the paramedics who took Sam, and they needed someone to tell them what happened anyway. She excused her motives as liability reasons, since the accident had technically occurred on her property, but you figured otherwise. Either way, you were too worried about him to refuse, especially in the split second you had to decide as he was getting hoisted into the ambulance.

Following after the doctors and nurses as they wheel him through the emergency room, you’re quickly stopped by one of them as you come to a set of large double doors, which Sam quickly disappears behind, “Sorry, only family past this point.”

“But---”

“Are you family, ma’am?”

“N-No, but---”

“Then, you can’t accompany him.”

“I’m--- I’m his fiancée!”

Your hand goes over your mouth as soon as you’ve said it. Shit, why did you just lie? The guilt is immediate and you’re about to backtrack, but the nurse changes his tune at the information.

“Oh! Well, why didn’t you say so? This way, please!”

You don’t know why your feet follow him or why you keep to yourself the fact that you weren’t, in fact, this stranger’s fiancée, but the deeper you find yourself going into the hospital, the more you convince yourself that this is only until you make sure Sam is okay. He didn’t have anyone with him, so you were the only one there to check in on him. After all, what harm could it do if you just stayed long enough to make sure he was okay?

Besides, it was too late to tell anyone otherwise now, right?

You wrestle with the realization of your deception until you’re drawn out of it by a different nurse than before, a shorter, kind-looking older lady who smiles sympathetically at you, “Mr. Winchester has been transferred to the third floor, so you can go to his room, now. I can take you, if you’d like?”

“Oh, no, I can find it. Third floor, right?” you confirm, wishing to be out of the family waiting room as quickly as possible. You knew that you don’t belong there, and the guilt was already eating at you for having lied earlier. It put you on edge, but the slight worry made everything much clearer as you sought out his room, as if it were a task to complete.

You’d just make sure he was alright, then you’d leave, and go back to being the girl at the coffee shop that he didn’t know existed. That’s that. The way it was meant to be.

When the elevator dinged, signalling the third floor, you find the nurse’s station easily enough, and they give you his room number freely since you’re his fiancée, after all, and it was just so wonderful you were there to stay by his side. It was a smaller room that they had him in, lined with glass so the nurses could monitor him at their station, which made you feel a little more at ease that maybe he wouldn’t be as alone as you thought. At least the nurses would be keeping a watch over him. It also made you feel a bit less awkward, as if you weren’t doing something wrong by staring through the glass to make sure he wasn’t currently on the brink of death anymore.

By the time you become satisfied that you’ve done all you can, nearly ready to turn and leave, you’re caught by an older man in a lab coat who had headed your way, “Ah, you must be Mr. Winchester’s fiancée. I’m Dr. Stanton. Why don’t we go in, so I can get you up to speed on what’s been happening with him?”

“Oh, uh,” you glance away from the doctor, trying to come up with an excuse to leave and failing, before you inevitably follow him into the room with a meek, “okay.”

“I know you must be very worried right now, after an ordeal like you’ve been through--- I understand you performed CPR after the accident?” Dr. Stanton was a mature-looking man, with kind eyes and a receding hairline. He fixed you with a sympathetic stare, over the glasses which must have been for reading, as he didn’t seem to need them to watch your reaction.

“Yes--- Well, I tried, at least. I only took a layman’s class last summer, because my friend, Charlie, got on a worst-case-scenario kick,” you admit, before adding with worry, “I didn’t hurt him any, did I? No...” you linger on the words, sparing a worried glance to Sam and fixating on his chest, though you can’t see any bandages through the hospital gown they had him in, “broken bones, right?”

“Oh, no, no! You didn’t break any ribs, thankfully. In fact, you may just have given him the time he needed to get to the hospital---”

“Oh, my god!” wails from the door to the hospital room, drawing yours and the doctor’s attention to a blonde woman who rushes to Sam’s side immediately, trailed after by a tall man who had a salt-and-pepper beard, and two others. “What happened to my boy?”

“Sam?” the second man, wearing a worn-looking baseball cap, calls out, to no response. He looks towards the brunette woman at his side, “When was the last time you heard from him, Ellen?”

“You know that boy hasn’t been home in over a year, Bobby! I haven’t heard from him no more than you,” she huffs, before moving towards the blonde woman to offer a comforting hand on her shoulder, “He’ll be fine, Mary. I know it. That boy of yours is strong.”

“Excuse me, but who are all of you?” Dr. Stanton huffs, clearly a bit perplexed by the sudden influx of people into the room.

It’s Salt-and-Pepper who speaks, all firm brow and frown as he fixes the doctor with a stern look, “I’m Sam’s father, John Winchester, and this is my wife, Mary,” he gestures to the blonde currently grasping Sam’s hand, “What happened to him? We were told on the phone he was in some sort of accident---”

You ease towards the door, hoping to slip out relatively unnoticed now that Sam’s family had arrived, but you’re stopped in your tracks by a girl who appeared to have been at the back of the pack, lingering by the door. She was about your age, maybe a bit younger.

Looking you over, apparently sizing you up with a scrutinizing look, she states boldly, “You aren’t dressed like a nurse,” which draws the attention of the rest of the family, as her arms cross over her chest, “Who even are you?”

“I’m… (Y/N),” you manage dumbly, noting the growing silence at your lack of real explanation, “I’m, uh…”

“Mr. Winchester’s fiancée,” Dr. Stanton clarifies slowly, as if to remind them, as he looks on incredulously.

“Fiancée?!” John nearly shouts, anger boiling under the surprise in his tone, “That’s just like him! Moving off! Not even bothering to tell his family he’s getting married!” John’s hand grabbing the end of the bed roughly makes a loud, banging noise that makes you jump in surprise. Wow, looks like things are not peachy in this family dynamic.

“You don’t think you have anything to do with why Sam doesn’t share with the rest of us how he lives his life? You just had to keep pushing him about the family business,” Mary shoots back, quieting her husband with one cold look. That doesn’t stop John from scoffing, or glaring his attention back to you in a way that put you on edge at the fire behind his dark eyes.

“He woulda’ told Dean, though! And Dean woulda’ told me!” the girl currently standing between you and the exit huffs, still not buying it.

“Jo, honey,” Ellen begins, moving from Mary to her daughter, a slightly wistful glint in her eye, “I wouldn’t be so sure of that nowadays. You know how private Sam’s got. I don’t even think Dean talks to him like he used to.”

“It’s a surprise… but it’s not like Sam’s ever been too keen on bringing home his girlfriends before,” Bobby adds softly, looking on sadly at Sam before his eyes are drawn back to you. “At least you seem more level-headed than the last one. She was a handful.”

“Can we please get back to what, exactly, happened to my son?” Mary demands from the doctor, getting his attention with her snap of annoyance. “Why isn’t he waking up?!”

“He’s in a coma,” Dr. Stanton frowns, before following up the swift blow with, “but his brain waves appear normal. There was some brain swelling from the concussion due to the car accident, but luckily there are no broken bones. He’s a tough one, your son. We expect him to heal adequately, but these things just take time. We’re keeping him heavily medicated as well, which can contribute to the sedation, but we want him to use as little energy as possible while he heals. It truly would have been much worse had his fiancée not given him emergency CPR at the scene.”

“You… you did that?” John’s glare softens a bit at that, astonished at your life-saving efforts, only for you to be cut off from forming any response when a pair of strong arms pull you into an embrace that knocks the wind out of you. Awkwardly, you lean into it, giving a tense hug in return to Mary, who had a deceptively good grip that forced you to linger until she was ready to pull back.

She blinks away the tears that brimmed her lashes just as quickly as they appeared, but you still catch it, as well as the slight strain to her voice when she thanks you, “Thank you for caring so much about Sam. He would… he’s going to be so grateful when he wakes up. He was… lucky you were around.” The way she says it, like it was almost hard for her to admit, makes you acutely aware that she must not say things like this too often. You were about to tell her that, no, you did what anyone would have done, but you don’t have the chance to formulate your words into an appropriate response, despite the lingering pause that permeated the hospital room, accompanying the repetitive beeping of Sam’s vitals on the monitor.

“You know what, why don’t you come to the family dinner on Sunday?” Ellen offers you a smile, trying to lighten the mood and fill the silence, “After all, you’re gonna’ be family soon enough, and we have some getting to know each other to do.”

“That’s a great idea, Ellen,” Bobby chips in with a laugh, giving a familiar pat to Sam’s calf, “This boy’s kept ya’ all to himself for long enough!”

“Wow, that’s...” you find yourself at a loss for words yet again. They all were so welcoming, so ready to take you into their homes, all looking so hopefully that you would accept the offer. Once again, your mouth does exactly the opposite of what your mind was telling it to do, and accepts the offer, “That sounds... great, actually.”

“Oh, Dean’s gonna’ love this,” Jo’s sarcastic tone draws your attention to her.

“Jo,” Ellen warns, but Jo ignores it.

“What, Mama? You know it’s true!” You raise a brow as she looks down at Sam with a sigh, “He’s gonna’ go crazy when he finds out Sam’s kept this a secret. They used to tell each other everything before, well… before. If Dean didn’t know about this, he’s gonna’ be crushed.”

“Sam and Dean are close?” you ask tentatively.

Jo looks at you like the answer is clear, before she adds, “Well, duh, they’re brothers.”

#dean winchester fanfic #sam winchester fanfic #supernatural fanfic #au fanfic #supernatural female reader insert #female reader insert #newstuff female reader insert #fanfiction #fanfic by me #author meg

[webcricket]

Looking Glass

Chapter 12 - A Funny Thing Happened on the Road to Amarillo

Pairing: CastielXAU!Reader

Word Count: 2913

Summary: On route to Texas hot on the heels of an archangel, the consequences of a kiss and a fateful choice begin to unfold.

A/N: Next week’s chapter will be delayed until Saturday 8/18. Thank you to those of you still reading this little adventure! Your “likes” and feedback are mush appreciated!

Miss a chapter? Have a Masterlist Link!

Everything happened so fast.

Flinching from the scald of water running over fingers ruddy with heat, you jab shakily at the faucet and reach up to swipe at the film of soap and steam clouding the mirror above the sink. Stopped at a diner less than a stone’s throw from Amarillo – a kitschy Tex-Mex joint named The Cool Cactus which, when you last laid eyes on it in another world fleeing from the city with your family, stood as an ironically lobular cactus-like heap of rubble with protruding steal rebar for thorns – you understand the ruse has already gone too far. It should have ended at the bunker before it began; Cas would’ve understood then, but now . . . it’s evolved into something you can’t undo without hurting him.

Leaning nearer the smeared glass surface, you peer at the dull reflection therein; the squared edge of porcelain bites painfully at your hips as you angle closer to search the hazy recesses of your face for evidence of the lie. With the heaviness weighing on your soul, it shocks you to find absolute blankness of expression staring back; no visible confession is scrolled in the fine lines etched thereon – no shapes of unspoken words lodge at the angular corners of your mouth waiting for life’s breath to give any indication something is amiss.

Given what’s at stake, the passive calm of your façade – a mask refined over many years of fighting hardship and finagling survival – shocks you. You wonder when you became this person; if, perhaps, you were always so selfish and this is the reason you survived. Time and again, that fickle bitch fate provided you alone another path forward. Alone. Only now, for the first time in a long time, you’re not alone – love of an angel, of all the unlikely beings it could beat out a song for, drums your heart. You dab the pink swell of your trembling lips; the delicate flesh blanches under the pressure. You close your eyes in feeble shield against the waterworks threatening to erupt along with the blissful memory of his kiss.

Knelt at your feet, forgotten feather strewn aside, tears of pain streaming his unshaven cheeks, the spark of something worshipful kindling in a gaze imploring mercy, his vulnerability pulls you in; as soon as the warmth of your lips caress his – the tender kiss barely a brush of breath – any hesitation Cas harbors concerning the revelation of his own emotion dissipates. Latent love unbridled by your advance, he abandons controlled celestial resolve in favor of the reactive desire instinctually driving his vessel.

Dispelling all space separating you, he suspends, it seems, time itself; for a breathless interlude the energy of his grace envelopes you beyond the purely physical in a corporeally transcendent blaze of devotion so luminous it would appear to anyone outside the intimate vantage point that the whole of creation revolves around your magnetically tangled figures – surely no star burns brighter in the universe. Within this light burst of entwined eternity there exists only the wet heat of his mouth ravishing yours, the pulse of your flesh rising beneath his scrabbling fingers, and the cushioned crush of your spine against the wall of wings encasing you unyieldingly in his embrace.

In your heart you know you need to tell him; he needs to hear it from you. Perhaps then . . . you twist the flats of your palms to daub weepy eyes. It’s not your lie, and yet you’re not exactly an unwitting accomplice. Silence makes you complicit; continued silence means you deserve whatever happens next. But part of you wanted this – wants it still even at the real risk of losing a love you never imagined. Crackle of a sob catching in your throat, your bleary focus falls to the mustard yellow plastic plaque mounted above the tap reminding employees to wash their hands before returning to work. The black letters blend as tears cascade over your lashes to splash the sink without a sound. Damn temptation. Damn weakness. Damn the witch.

Cas groans low at the interrupting thud of knuckles rapping on the door.

The sonorous gravel rub of the sound courses through your body to curl your toes.

“You okay in there?” Dean demands through the wood. He jiggles the locked knob.

Releasing the kiss-bruised tract of flesh above your clavicle with a soft suck, the angel nuzzles and scrapes the scruff of his chin along the exposed column of your throat.

You whimper partly in protest over the ill-timed interruption and partly in response to the sting of pleasure delighting sensitive skin.

The hunter knocks again. “Come on Cas. Open up. How long does it take to pull one out? I figure two, three minutes tops given your lack of feathery action these days.”

Giggling, you grab a fistful of Cas’ hair to swivel his lust-blown concentration from where he scatters tiny ticklish kisses into the hollow of your neck to your love-drunk grinning countenance. “I don’t think he’s planning on leaving without that feather,” you simper.

“No,” Cas grumbles and steals a quick peck of pliant lips when you loosen your grip on his locks. “I suppose he’s not.” Sighing in resignation, conflict creasing his crestfallen mouth, he rolls his half-clothed body to one side of the bed. “And he’s right not to – finding Gabriel takes precedence over all else. Even-”

“Pleasure?” You don’t hide your disappointed frown. Sitting up, you fumble for and shrug on the evidently too hastily discarded sweatshirt and smooth your fingers through disheveled hair.

Observing your fidgeting form, it occurs to the angel, in times of war, the regret infused in those certain regrettable actions applies not only to the ones actually undertaken, but also to the ones denied. He reaches for your hand and presses his fingers into your palm to reassure you the adjournment of his affection isn’t on permanent hiatus.

You squeeze his hand in return to let him know you expect him to make up for it at a sooner, rather than later, date; first a rainstorm, then a Winchester – the third time is sure to be the charm. “Do you boys ever get to have any fun?”

“Historically speaking?” Mollified by your discreet acceptance of the delay despite his dissenting vessel visibly begging more tangible terms of satisfaction, Cas swings his legs off the mattress and unsuccessfully tries to tame the bulge of his trousers into submission by buckling his belt. He peers back over his shoulder before standing, sheer solemnity shrouds his expression. “No.”

“Are you-” Shadow shifting beneath the door, Dean’s voice cracks, “is Y/N in there?”

Blues rolling in response to the astonishment lacing the tone of Dean’s deduction, Cas circles to the end of the bed and lifts his damp dress shirt from where it drapes over the corner; he scowls at the limp garment and shakes it out.

“I got this.” You leap to the floor, retrieve the feather, and move to the door. Hand poised over the knob, you spin to flash a suggestive smile at the seraph and wink. “Might as well finish at least one thing I started tonight, eh?” You fling wide the door.

For an awkward few seconds, Dean’s arms undulate like tentacles at your sudden appearance until he decides shoving them in his pockets is the appropriate course of action. “You two, uh, too busy to open the door or something?”

“Or something,” your smile resets into a sardonic half-grin.

Amusement dimpling his mien, Dean totters sideways on one foot to peer beyond you into the dim room where his friend struggles to shove a soggy suit coat over his shoulders.

Clearing your throat, you ask, “You looking for this?” You hold up the coal black-colored plume and rotate the translucent barb between your fingertips as it glints, tip to base, a metallic silvery-grey hue in the hall light.

Dean’s greens divert back to you. He hums in approval. “That kinky winged bastard.”

When he attempts to pluck the shimmering feather from your grasp, you clutch it to your heart and scoldingly narrow your gaze. “I’ll deliver it myself, thanks. Where is she?”

Blaming Rowena is childish. You had a choice; and across the anxiety-filled miles stretching between the bunker and Texas – Cas’ adorable attempts at conversation, the sweet small strokes of his fingers at your knee entreating you to take his hand, the abiding concern for your comfort, happiness, hunger, thirst, tiredness, current state of your bladder, and inquiries as to the source of your uncharacteristic quietude – you realize you chose wrong. Sniffling sharply, the rough intake of salty tears scratches and sears your sinuses. Swallowing, they stir sickeningly with the bile in your stomach.

“Ah child, good evening.” Rowena’s heavy lashes flit upward in elegant profile to eye you and the feather with equal levels of disinterest. “I see you’ve got the final ingredient for our little spell. Must’ve spent some time cavorting with that dashing angel then.”

Regard roving over the assemblage of odd ingredients and an oversized ancient tome sprawled on the surface of the table filling the expanse between you and the witch, you shrug in matched overt indifference. “Yes, I guess I must’ve.”

Rising, she sashays in a fluid choreography of motion around the table to extend her upturned palm toward you. Pursing her crimson mouth, she says knowingly, “Feeling a wee more relaxed, are we?” Eggplant purple painted nails gleam as she waves her fingers beseechingly.

You drop the feather into the lily white palm. “What’s it to you?”

She spins, curt. “Simply a bit of friendly banter, dear. If it’s more to your fancy, you may scurry off and let the boys know I’m nearly ready.” A bird-like cluck passes her lips suggesting that’s that and she tosses the feather in a wide-brimmed wooden bowl to resume consulting the book.

Wondering about the feather’s role in the mix, you dawdle.

Sensing your continued curious presence in spite of a coolness of conduct on both sides, she marks her place in the text with a fine-boned finger and looks up. Suspicions confirmed of your stubborn intent to linger as you prod at the gnarled remnants of a mandrake root, she inhales a bothered breath. “So . . . where’re you from?”

You steady a wobbling vial of unidentified putrid-smelling olive-brown liquid knocked by your sleeve before glancing up, stupefied by the question. “I-I thought they told you – I’m from the other world.”

Gold-dusted lids dart upward to summon patience and nicety from the thin air for the blundering human that is you. She sighs, “Yes, yes, of course you are, but the world’s a big place, isn’t it? Surely you must be from somewhere a sight smaller than a whole planet.”

“Amarillo,” you mumble, not a particular fan of the mundanity of such small talk.

The mishap of her own motherhood rooted within the redemption on her mind, she meditates aloud, “And your family’s there? Your mum?”

“I imagine what’s left of them is there, if the angel’s left anything at all after the bombing.” You should have been with them. “You know, I never even got to say-” you choke up. It’s a fluke you weren’t with them; you got left behind in a medical camp – back when those beacons of hope still existed – with a taped up injured ankle while your family backtracked home after the initial chaos of the apocalypse to see what remained of your lives there and to determine if it was safe. None of you had any way of knowing about the bomb – a last ditch nuclear effort by some unknown person with their finger on a powerful button to destroy angels en masse where they were rumored to be gathered in Houston planning the next massacre of humankind. Turns out the angels weren’t the ones responsible for that particular massacre of millions.

Blenching, Rowena tucks her chin to her chest. A sincerely somber note lilts her voice, “Ach, that’s terrible.”

Hiding your horror from her at the freshened memory, you flee the room without another word to fetch the brothers and Cas.

Lashes fluttering, a contemplative trickle of a smile twitches the witch’s cheek in your absence. “Truly, truly terrible to never have the chance to say goodbye. To have resolution.” Wistful, she swipes a tendril of red hair behind her ear and redoubles her examination of the book.

Shock, fear, and the part of you holding out hope of seeing the family you thought you lost forever kept you quiet when Rowena grandiosely proclaimed upon completion of the spell’s incantation and smoky climax that Gabriel was in one of two locations. “Central City, Colorado and wait . . . possibly, yes, possibly Amarillo, Texas,” she cooed the name of the second city to everyone’s collective surprise, no one more stunned than you. Smiling, she reserved a special twinkle of her eye for you indicating the rest was in your hands. Wink wink.

Sam questioned the precision of a spell so, well, imprecise. Dean declared it to be the best lead in weeks regardless. The brothers could’ve just as easily laid claim to Amarillo, but they didn’t; Dean called dibs on Colorado after Sam’s knotted brow wordlessly warned his brother this was an archangel hunt, not an episode of Gunsmoke. Cas advocated you join him for the road trip to Amarillo if you felt up to it and as long as you agreed to stay out of the fracas when it came to confronting Gabriel. Dazedly, you agreed. The pieces of the puzzle fitted together so perfectly without your meddling it seemed like destiny, and not the angel you deceived by doing nothing, drove you here.

A tray of dishes clatters to the tile outside the bathroom door. Jeers. Laughter. The tinny clinking of cracked glass and clay being swept into a metal dustpan. You push open the door slowly and peek toward the seating area. The angel waits for you in a booth along the UV-tinted row of front windows. Hands folded on the faux-granite tabletop, his gaze swerves outside.

“I said excuse me!” A waitress in a retro cactus-green dress crowds past you in a hurry.

“Sorry,” you mumble. When your eyes alight again on the angel, he’s peering at you with the sparkle of a smile subverting his stoic visage. You dislodge yourself from the door and stride toward him, weakly endeavoring to emulate his delight. He stands – stands! – trench-coated frame oozing chivalrous charm when you approach the booth and slide in the seat across; this heavenly knight in black-winged armor shtick he has going on for your benefit isn’t making what you need to say any easier. “Cas, there’s something I-”

“One double stack of blueberry flapjacks, extra whipped cream, extra blueberries for the lady, and one cup of coffee, black, for you, sir,” the server interrupts, plopping a plate of scrumptious pancakes under your nose. “Can I get you anything else?”

Cas shakes his head. “No, thank you.”

“Enjoy!” The server smiles and drifts away to check on another customer.

“I hope you don’t mind – I took the liberty of ordering for you. Dean said women find the gesture romantic. I know it’s only a diner, but-” Cas reaches for your hand across the table, stumbling over his words when you yank it out of reach.

“It’s perfect, thank you.” You state mechanically, sinking further down into your seat to commence poking at the contents of the plate with a fork – sugary blue syrup swirls into the cloudy foam of cream and all you can think about are the pair of gentle blues fixed on you, caring but confused, and how that shade of kindness will change to anger once he knows the truth.

He might be oblivious to some social cues, but your avoidance and disquiet are too obvious to mistake or ignore. He defaults to the assumption he’s at fault. “Did I do something wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything. I-” you falter. You didn’t do anything either, which is the problem. “I-”

His cell phone rings; sitting up straighter, he rifles through his pockets to locate the device.

Pain circles and compresses your temples. A wave of dizziness washes over you and tunnels your vision.

“It’s Dean.” Squinting and tapping at the screen, he sends the call to voicemail. “I’ll call him back.” Gaze returning to you, he rushes to his feet to move next to you. “What’s wrong, Y/N?”

“My head.” You push aside the plate, overwhelmed by nausea and the situation – stress, exhaustion, dehydration, low blood-sugar, it’s a toxic combination.

He flattens a fretful calloused palm to your forehead. “You said the headaches had stopped.”

You swat him away and put a distance of several more inches between you by moving flush to the window. “They did – this, it’s just a regular headache, okay? I get them too . . . just need a couple of Aspirin, not an angel.” You fear if he touches you, he’ll sense the unsaid. You’re not wrong.

He studies you for a moment as you practically cower in the corner of the booth. “You’re afraid.” Unease hardens his aspect. “There’s something you wanted to say to me . . . before the waitress came, before Dean called.” He motions to lay his hand on your leg; on final approach he decides better of it. “Y/N, you don’t have to be afraid. Not of me.”

Next: Ch. 13 - Lost & Found

#castiel x reader #castiel x you #castiel series #castiel x y/n #castiel reader insert #castiel fluff #castielxreader #castielxyou #cas x reader #cas x you #you x castiel #reader x castiel #spn x reader #castiel fanfiction #spn reader insert #castiel fanfic #castiel x au!reader #spn fanfiction #cricket writes cas

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Take It On The Run (Part 8)

Summary: Everything seems to have settled down but Dean and the reader still have questions for someone close to them...

Masterlist

Pairing: Detective!Dean x reader

Word Count: 2,800ish

Warnings: language

“Hey, Cas,” you said around eight in the morning, popping open the door to see him and Jack eating breakfast. He gave a wave, mouth full of food as you held the door for Dean to come in on his crutches.

“You got to flirt with the pretty nurses if you want extra bacon, dude,” said Dean, finding a spot in a comfy looking chair, kicking his bandaged feet up on the end of the bed.

“I should have left him in his bed,” you said, something slipping over your head, someone moving your braced arm into your sling.

“I go to the bathroom for two seconds and you two take off,” said Sam.

“Worried I was gonna get kidnapped again?” teased Dean.

“You kind of are a damsel in distress you know,” you said. Dean faked a scowl, a real one on his face when Sam tossed a sling at him, maneuvering himself into it with some effort.

“Is Cindy alright?” asked Cas. Sam rubbed the back of his neck with a shrug.

“Well, she admitted to shooting you and killing Derek. But your statement and the circumstance will probably help her,” said Sam. “Did you hear anything on Heather?”

“I still don’t know why she broke protocol or came to me,” said Jack. “My supervisor thought she wanted to warn me about Nick. I don’t think we’ll ever know.”

“Hey, Sam. Why don’t you take your partner and go grab us some coffee that doesn’t taste like crap? One of those pie tasting muffins too while you’re at it,” said Dean.

“Alright, princess,” said Sam, ruffling Dean’s hair. “Come on Jack. You can meet all the feds running around while we’re at it.”

Dean had a big smile on his face as they left, letting it fall away once he saw you move to close the door.

“Castiel...Y/N and I would like to discuss something with you,” said Dean, leaning over in his chair, waiting until you were sitting down beside him to cock his head. “Why’d you switch out Derek’s blood?”

“What?” asked Cas, looking back and forth between you. “I have no idea what-”

“Jack had blood taken two nights ago, same night as Derek Evans. Now we all saw the blood results. I was a full blown sibling match to that blood. Only now when we re-ran Derek’s blood, it turns out he’s only my half brother. Isn’t that a little odd?” you asked.

“I’m going to have to agree with Y/N here and say that’s pretty weird. It’s pretty weird considering you were the one that brought the blood straight from Derek’s room to the lab. Did you do a fancy magic trick, Cas?” asked Dean, taking a deep breath. “Was it Jack’s blood?”

“I don’t have to justify anything to you,” said Cas.

“Maybe not me but how about her? She’s been to hell and back the past few days and if there are anymore crazy, fucked up kids running around out there, we want to know about it,” said Dean. Cas lifted his chin, the motion simple but it was enough for it to click for you.

“You’re Nick’s brother,” you said, Cas glancing away. “You’re not Jack’s mother’s brother. Your Nick’s.”

“Our family has had issues long before you existed. Before any of you kids existed,” said Cas. “My older brother...you are not the only one to have a sibling that is unhinged.”

“You knew it was Nick all along and you led us along on some wild goose chase for what? To protect him?” asked Dean.

“To protect Jack. Nick, as far as he was concerned, only had 3 children. He never knew about Jack. He never knew about me. This family has been split up and torn apart for as long as it has existed. When I realized who my brother was, that my good friend Kelly was having his child, that he didn’t know about Jack...we hid him, just like was done for you,” said Cas.

“Why does this family fucking hide children? What the hell is it that-”

“If you knew our true family name, you would recognize it. We don’t come from good stock, never have. Most don’t end up as bad as Nick or Emily but it’s what we do to try and keep everyone safe,” said Cas.

“But you said your friend Kelly had Jack,” said Dean. “How can...there is no Heather Greene, is there.”

“It was pure coincidence she ended up as Jack’s first undercover job. He didn’t know he was protecting his own mother. But she did. I think she wanted to see him one more time,” said Cas.

“Maybe you’re right,” you said, Dean turning his head towards you. “Emily killed our mother. I killed our father. Maybe we are bad people. He was letting me go. I didn’t have to do it.”

“What do you think would have happened to Dean if you hadn’t?” asked Cas. You’d already decided you never wanted to think about that ever again, the image of Emily with a blade causing your stomach to churn. “You saved his life.”

“Saving a life doesn’t justify taking another,” you said.

“I don’t think we have to worry about you, Y/N. Or Jack,” said Dean. He wrapped his hand around yours, lacing your fingers together. “I don’t think nature had much to do with your family being the way it is, Y/N. Bad made more bad is all. But your dad, your real dad, he was a pretty good guy from what everyone says. Look at you. You’re the proof.”

“Does Jack know he’s my brother?” you asked, Cas shaking his head. “You want to keep it quiet.”

“Nick and Derek are gone. The only threat I can see is Emily and she’s locked away. I think when you’re ready for it, we should all sit down and explain it to him. He’s always felt a little alone from what I can tell,” said Cas.

“Well you can tell him one of his sister’s is a badass to start with,” said Dean, leaning back in his seat. “You’re lucky I believe you or else I’d have to kick your ass.”

“Your feet are injured. You can’t kick anything,” said Cas.

“Dude, it’s an expression,” said Dean, rolling his eyes.

“So you’re my uncle,” you said with a smile, Cas nodding.

“I think I’m your half uncle but yes, we do share some blood,” said Cas.

“Maybe this wasn’t so awful after all.”

One Month Later

“Hi Emily,” you said, sitting down on the couch across from her, Dean taking a seat beside you. She was nervous in her seat on the other side, looking over at her doctor who was watching from the side.

“We brought you a present,” said Dean, picking up a bag and sliding it over. Emily raised an eyebrow and slid a hand inside, plucking out a small stuffed bear. “Dr. Allen said you like animals.”

“Yeah,” she said quietly. “Thanks.”

“You don’t have to be scared of us,” you said, Emily practically clutching the bear to her chest.

“I know,” she said, the lie coming out so flat Dean chuckled. “I’m sorry.”

“You like puppies? My brother just got one,” said Dean, pulling out his phone, tapping a video and turning it around for her. You saw her smile, eyes on the screen as Dean squeezed your hand. He was just as nervous as her but he wasn’t going to let it show in front of her.

“It’s cute,” she said when the video finished.

“Maybe sometime we can bring him in for you to see if the doc says it’s okay,” said Dean, a smile on his face that made Emily sink back in her chair.

“Why are you here?” she asked, staring at him and then his feet. “I tried to kill you. I hurt you. I was going to do awful things to you. Y/N, you I...you’re here for payback, aren’t you?”

“Dean and I have talked about everything that happened, Emily. We talked to your doctor and some other people and we wanted to tell you that yes, you did some bad things. But we forgive you,” you said. Emily snorted, turning her body away. “It’s the truth.”

“Emily, the doctor said you went into survival mode at a young age because of your father. You did things to protect yourself. He says you’re actually very kind,” said Dean.

“I’m a psycho bitch that has done so much crap, I can’t even remember it all,” she said, playing with the patient band on her wrist. “I’m evil.”

“Maybe you were. Maybe you did some stuff to me that still scares me. You have a lot of things to work through and it’s going to take a long time, Emily. But I think if you try, you can get better,” said Dean.

“Why do you even care?” she asked.

“Y/N’s my girlfriend. My family. That makes you my family too, Emily,” said Dean.

“Is he for real?” she asked, finally bringing herself to look you in the eye.

“He’s a dork. But a sweet one. We want to help you if you’ll let us,” you said.

“Why would you ever want to help me?” she asked.

“That’s what the good guys do.”

Two Months Later

“Hey,” said Dean, holding up a letter, padding into the kitchen with a smile. “Emily wrote me a thank you letter for her birthday present. That was nice of her.”

“She wrote me one too,” you said, taping the one Dean had in his hand on the side of the fridge. “Thank you for being so good with her. I know it’s weird.”

“Well, once I stopped thinking of her as the spawn of satan and what she really is, a poor kid that was manipulated and coerced into becoming what she did in order to keep herself alive, it got harder to hate her. Plus she’s got your cute nose. I’m a sucker for a boopable nose,” said Dean, tapping the top of yours.

“Uh huh,” you said, leaning up to peck a kiss to the tip of his. “Remind me again why I have to wear a dress to dinner?”

“It’s a fancy place,” said Dean, your eyebrows raising. “I’m getting better at this boyfriend thing. Plus it’s your birthday. I figured why not splurge.”

“We both have work in the morning. You better not keep me out too late,” you said, Dean smirking as he rested his hands on your hips. “Dean...”

“I can break a rule every now and then,” he teased, putting a finger to your lips when you went to speak. “Just enjoy yourself tonight, sweetheart.”

“Alright, alright,” you said. “I’m going to shower and get dressed for your super secret birthday date.”

You really didn’t need to get cleaned up but if it gave Dean time to run around and set up for your surprise dinner you weren’t supposed to know about, you figured you’d let him have it.

When your skin was pruning, you stepped into the bathroom, wiping yourself off, a thin white line on your shoulder the only physical reminder of three months ago. Dean had a few more scars but his hair had grown back in quickly, hiding the one on his scalp. When he’d finally healed so that you could get to the intimate part of your relationship, you hadn’t realized you’d spend most of that time just learning his body, talking over the marks left behind. His most badass one he joked was the one on his shin where he tripped up some steps once.

“Hey,” you said, exiting the bathroom after putting on a little bit of makeup, not that Dean cared one way or the other. Dean was in one of his work suits, a nice clean white shirt on, tie loose around his neck. You dropped your towel and slipped into some underwear, Dean’s mouth watering even if you were getting dressed. You stepped into your dress, pulling up the zipper until Dean moved in, zipping it the rest of the way. “Ready to go?”

“One more thing,” said Dean, fishing his hand in his pocket, pulling out a thin black piece of fabric. “It’s a blindfold. You don’t have to though if you think it’ll scare you.”

“I’m okay,” you said, stepping over, Dean giving you a gentle smile before your vision cut off, soft fabric resting against your skin as he tied the ends together. You took a deep breath, a quiet moment of panic rushing through you until it simmered away, Dean holding your hands patiently. “I’m okay.”

“Nothing’s going to get you. We don’t have to go far either,” he said. “Just down the hall.”

“Okay,” you said, Dean letting go of you, walking around to your backside, his hands on top of your shoulders. He gave you a tiny nudge forward, one hand leaving you as it opened the bedroom door, walking you barefoot down the hall until you were stood about where your kitchen and living room should have been.

“Happy birthday, Y/N,” he said, untying the blindfold, an encore of people yelling surprise at you, your house somehow transformed into a party in the half hour you were in the shower.

“How...you threw me a surprise party?” you asked, turning your head back at Dean. “I’ve never had one before.”

“It’s about time then,” said Dean. “Like I said, just have fun tonight.”

“I’m guessing you three are crashing here tonight?” asked Dean, Sam, Cas and Jack hazily looking up from the couch. “That’s a yes.”

“Thanks for the party guys,” you said, Jack hopping up from his seat. “Somebody’s grabbing dibs on the guestroom old timers.”

“Hey,” said Sam, groggily standing up. “Kid on the couch.”

“It’s my sister’s house,” said Jack with a smirk.

“It’s my brother’s house,” said Sam, throwing one back.

“Cas gets it,” you and Dean said, both guys dropping their jaws, Dean giving you a high five. “Oh, I love being an older sibling.”

“It has its perks,” you said, Jack rolling his eyes but unable to keep the smile from creeping on his face. “Night guys.”

You and Dean wandered down the hall to your room, plopping down on the bed, both of you letting out a sigh.

“Want to skip work tomorrow?” you asked, Dean chuckling.

“I almost forgot your other present. I called us both in sick already,” said Dean.

“The chief was just here,” you said.

“And I was very sick,” said Dean with mischievous smile.

“Bad boy,” you said, tucking yourself up against his side. “You know what I do to bad boys.”

“You’ll just have to make me good then,” he said, licking his lips. “You got all day tomorrow to try.”

“Don’t think I won’t,” you teased, kissing him fast before you rolled out of bed, changing into pajamas and climbing back under the covers with him. “Hey, Dean?”

“Yeah, sweetheart?” he asked, resting his head on your pillow, keeping you close tonight.

“Why didn’t you arrest me at the diner? When you thought I was the woman in the picture?” you asked.

“I didn’t want to put some poor woman through something awful like that if I was wrong. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized it had to be you. Until you proved me wrong of course,” he said, trailing his finger along your hip, grazing over the scar from your appendix surgery. “I’m so glad I was wrong.”

He turned away to yawn, snuggling his head close to yours when he finished, throwing his arm over your waist, shutting his eyes with a large exhale.

“Love you,” you said, a smile crossing his lips.

“Love you back, sweetheart.”

@newtospnfandom @rhochradel @earthtokace @internationalmusicteacher @mirandaaustin93

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#dean x reader #spn #supernatural #dean winchester #supernatural fanfiction #spn fanfic #dean winchester x reader #supernatural reader insert #spn reader insert #au #winchester #series #detective!dean #cop!dean

[thecuriouscrusader]

Heyyy as for the prompts, I know this is kinda vague but I'd love to read something that's kinda "the one who got away", likr, dean and cas used to be together and happy but aren't anymore (for various heartbreaking reasons) and now it's been years and they're both miserable but then (entirely unexpectedly) meet again and there's a lot of feelings and pain and angst but in the end they get their happily ever after. Please? Thank you so much!❤☀️

A/N: My dear, I’m so sorry this has taken so long but life has been in the way but this has spiralled into an almost 10,000 word fic, so If you’d prefer to read it on AO3 it is here. I hope you like it!

Warnings: Social Anxiety, Arguing, Consideration of Infideilty. Past Lisa/Dean. Dean still sees Ben.

*** mean’s a time jump in the same day.a line mean’s a time jump across days.

Three Years  

Dean Winchester did not believe in fate, especially when it entailed a less than pleasurable experience. For instance, his car breaking down; which also happened to be his pride and joy.

Dean had only popped into the diner for a moment - leaving his Chevy Impala parked on the street - to pick up his order to go. When he returned he placed the key in the ignition and the car appeared to give a solemn wheeze before falling silent.

“Oh, c'mon!” Dean groaned as he slammed his palm against the steering wheel; he instantly regretted it. “Sorry, baby” he murmured as he ran his fingers gently across the area he had struck; she was getting up there in years and needed a tune every now and again, but she was still loyal.

Dean got out of the car and went to prop the hood open. It was not the need for a repair which irked Dean as he was a mechanic, but rather that his pizza was growing colder by the second.

After fiddling around for a few moments Dean straightened from his hunkered over position and wiped the back of his hand across his brow.

In that minute moment of chance Dean saw someone he knew a long time ago enter the restaurant. Dean’s breath caught and his eyes widened as he stood rigid in a state of shock.

He thought that he would never see Castiel again.

Castiel Novak was the love of his life.

Three Years Ago…

Dean did not go to the Roadhouse that evening with the intention of finding his soulmate, but it seemed that the universe had other plans. He stowed himself away in a dark corner of the bar and brooded over the news he had received that morning; the garage he worked at had just lost a wealthy client and he feared that he only had himself to blame. Dean knew that a resolution would not be found at the bottom of a whiskey glass, but perhaps simply forgetting his problems would suffice.

He looked over at the bar when he heard a loud cheer erupt from a group of ten or so men. It looked like a bachelor party with one of the men clearly being forced into wearing a veil. They were certainly a rowdy bunch, but one of them did not seem to be joining in.

He was sat at the bar clutching onto his bottle of beer so tightly Dean was surprised it did not shatter. His posture was very rigid and his shoulders tense. It was then Dean spotted the book next to the man with a cross shaped marker carefully placed inside and he concluded that man was not a member of the party.

One of the drunken men next to him suddenly stumbled back and nearly knocked the poor guy off his seat. He turned to look at the man who had pushed him with wide and somewhat scared looking eyes - Dean could not help but be struck by the piercing blue shine they emitted.

“Oops, sorry, man” the drunk guy slurred, clapping the nervous man on the back before turning back to his friends.

After that Dean could see just how much the poor guy was shaking and it looked like he didn’t know whether to faint or runaway. Well, Dean could no longer allow himself to be a silent observer if the guy was really in that much distress.

He cautiously walked over and leaned on the bar next to the guy to make it look like he was just waiting to be served. He glimpsed down at the front cover of the book.

“The Picture of Dorian Gray? Man, I haven’t read that since high-school.”

The guy nearly jumped off his seat and turned to Dean with the same overwhelmed expression.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you” Dean said with a soft smile in the hope of proving he was not intimidating. “It’s a good book, though. I’m really into that monster stuff.”

“I-It’s my favourite” the man replied shakily. “I must have read it nearly a hundred times. It’s sad, I know-”

“Not at all, everyone is a nerd about something, even if they think they’re being secretive about it” Dean said. “Me? I can pretty much recite any script from Doctor Sexy.”

The man laughed lightly. “That’s very impressive.”

Dean smiled back. “You wanna join me over there?” He said, indicating to the table he had previously occupied. “You know, away from the crowd. Kinda struggling to hear you.” That was somewhat of a lie but Dean did not want the guy to feel awkward.

“Yes, I would like to” the man said, already seeming more at ease. “My name is Castiel.”

“I’m Dean.”

Castiel grabbed his beer and book and followed Dean over to the table.

“I wouldn’t think this was the sort of place you can get any reading done” Dean tentatively pried.

“No, I kind of just brought it as a safety blanket” Castiel confessed. “I have rather crippling social anxiety so I’ve been trying to force myself into these situations more. But everyone is just so…loud. Drunk and loud.”

“Well, you’re doing fine” Dean assured him.

“You’re different” Castiel said with a slightly curious frown. “You seem…soft? No, I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean…that’s n-not the right word-”

“No, that’s me alright” Dean laughed. “A soft nerd, but don’t blow my cover.”

Castiel was blushing furiously but he offered Dean a small smile.

“I won’t, but don’t worry; I’m sure that I’m a bigger nerd than you are.”

“Is that a challenge?” Dean teased. “I’m a mechanic who can name every single part and take a car to pieces and put it back together precisely. I can speak Latin, I love reading about mythical lore, and I can perform every Led Zeppelin song solo on my air guitar.”

Dean was expecting Castiel to start laughing but instead he simply looked awestruck.

“That’s all very spectacular” he claimed.

“Thanks” Dean said with an amused huff. “What about you?”

“Well, I keep my own hive of bees, I spend most Saturdays in the library, and I can read many dead languages including Latin and Enochian because I have the nerdiest job I the world.”

“What’s that?” Dean asked curiously.

“Well I’m a curator at the museum, but I’m also an archaeologist who specialises in religious artefacts.”  

Dean’s mouth fell ajar. “Are you kidding me? That’s the most awesome job in the world! You’re like a real life Indiana Jones!”

“I’ve never actually seen those movies” Castiel confessed. “For a nerd my knowledge of popular culture is extremely lacking.”

“You’re an archaeologist who has never seen Indiana Jones?” Dean said with disbelief. Castiel nodded sheepishly. “Well then, you’re going to have to come and marathon them at my place tomorrow night.”

“I would like that” Castiel smiled.  

Dean usually got defensive when someone accused him of being a neat freak, but at that moment he was grateful for his germophobe ways so that he did not have to spend time hurrying around trying to get his apartment clean before Cas’ arrival, and could instead spend more time getting himself to calm down because he really liked this guy.

When there was a knock at the door Dean took one last deep breath and opened it with a smile.

Castiel nervously smiled back at him and brandished a large pizza box in Dean’s face.

“I didn’t know what you liked so I just got one with everything. I-I hope that’s okay.”

“Sounds awesome” Dean assured him. “C'mon in.”

Castiel followed Dean into the lounge.

“You’re apartment is lovely” Castiel said.

“Well, it’s actually more of a shoebox, but thanks” Dean said. “Make yourself comfortable. I’ll grab some beers.”

“Alright, thank you.”

Dean returned to find Castiel sat on the sofa nervously running his hands up and down his thighs as he looked around the room.

“How much for the pizza?” He asked as he sat down next to Cas, but far enough away so as not to appear too suggestive.

“Oh, don’t worry, it’s on me” Castiel said. “I wanted to make a good impression since it’s our first official date.”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up in surprise before he could fully process what Cas said.

“Oh god, this isn’t a date, is it?” Castiel said quietly. “And now I’ve made this extremely awkward. I-I’m so sorry, I’ll just go-”

“No, wait!” Dean exclaimed as he grabbed Castiel’s arm before he could get up to leave. “It’s okay, I…like you and I was hoping that you liked me too. This is a date, I-if you want to be?”

“Um, y-yeah I want it to be” Castiel said as he lowered himself back down.

“Awesome!” Dean exclaimed with a wide grin. “I-I mean, yeah, that’s…good.”

“No, it’s awesome” Castiel said with a reassuring smile. “So, are we ready to get this Indiana Jones marathon started?”

“Sure are. I think you’re gunna love it” Dean said.

“Or I’m going to irritate you by pointing out all of the inaccuracies” Castiel teased.

“Oh, well if that happens then I can just stuff a slice of pizza in your mouth” Dean said as he opened the box and rested it on his lap.

“That’s not really a punishment, this is the most delicious pizza in the neighbourhood” Castiel promised as he took a slice. “And they make the best burgers too.”

“Well I know that’s a lie” Dean scoffed. “I make the best burgers in the neighbourhood.”

“You like to cook?” Castiel asked through a mouthful of pizza.

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, you?”

Castiel shook his head. “My microwave is my best friend. Nuking taquitos is as good as it gets for me.”

“Well, then It’s my duty to make sure that you get a decent meal” Dean said. “Next date, I’m making you burgers.”

“I can’t wait” Castiel smiled.

“Me too” Dean replied with equal enthusiasm.

He picked up the remote and pressed play on the movie.

He subtly snaked his arm around the back of the sofa - the most cliché move in the history of dating, but Cas seemed to go for it as he shuffled closer until he was gently pushed against Dean’s chest. Dean smiled to himself as he curled his arm around Castiel’s shoulders.

He never thought he would find anything like this.

A week later and Dean was waiting for Castiel to arrive at his apartment again so that they could have burgers as promised.

They had been texting each other almost every day with any questions they had - including what their favourite smells where, and what their plans were for the zombie apocalypse.

Dean had not felt as elated in a while as he danced around the kitchen preparing the dinner.

When the doorbell rang he hurried over and opened it with the biggest grin.

“Hey, Cas!”

“Hello, Dean” Castiel chuckled. “I like your apron.”

Dean looked down at the garish flowery garment and blushed profusely.

“I, uh…it brings out my eyes, don’t you think?”

Castiel laughed. “Yes; they’re very beautiful.”

“Okay, get in here before I’m too embarrassed” Dean said. “Dinners still going to be a couple of minutes so make yourself at home.”

“Alright” Castiel said as he took of his trench coat - which Dean had tagged to be another kind of security blanket - and hung it by the door.

Dean went to the kitchenette and set about preparing the buns whilst Cas examined the photographs he had set up in a collage on the wall.

“Is that your son?” Castiel asked as he pointed to a picture of Dean and a young boy.

“Yeah” Dean said with a proud smile. “Well, not technically…I’m his step-dad, sorta… his mom and I were never married but I’m still close with him.”

“He looks sweet” Castiel said with a genuine smile. Dean was relieved that he was not upset by the revelation. “What’s his name?”

“Ben, he’s eight” Dean said. “He’s a good kid.”

“It’s so nice of you to still spend time with him” Castiel said. “I know how tough it is to not have a father around.”

“Yeah? Mine wasn’t exactly competing for father of the year either” Dean confessed. “I couldn’t let that happen to Ben.”

“That’s very noble of you” Castiel said. “And very endearing” he said with a suggestive smile.

“Well, I hope that these score me some more points” Dean said as he brought the two perfectly prepared burgers over to the table.

“They look and smell delicious” Castiel said as he took a seat.

“Okay, seriously, if you keep complimenting me then I might die.”

“Well, then you should be more of a jerk” Castiel teased.

“If you talk to my little brother, you’ll find out that I am” Dean retorted.

Castiel took a large bite of the burger - Dean was also happy he’d met someone who could match his appetite - and sunk down in his chair with a satisfied moan.

“That’s amazing” he said.

“Are you trying to kill me?” Dean chuckled. “Thanks.”

They spent the rest of the evening chatting more about their families and their interests until Castiel realised that the sun would be coming up in only a few hours.

“I better go get some sleep. I have work In the morning.”

“Yeah, me too” Dean huffed; he had been having such a good time he had been dreading when reality would hit.

He walked Cas over to the door and helped him put his coat on.

“You should come to my house next time” Castiel said. “I can make nachos.”

Dean laughed. “That sounds awesome.”

“Alright…um, goodnight” Castiel said. Despite indicating he was about to leave he lingered for a moment, hands nervously grasped at his side and bobbed up on his toes.

“Can I..? Would it be okay if we..?”

Dean answered his question by guiding Castiel’s face towards him and pressing his lips softly against the smaller man’s. Castiel reciprocated the gesture and brought his hands to rest on Dean’s hips.

They pulled apart after a few moments and looked at each other with equally boyish smiles.

“The burgers were good, but I have to say that was the best part of the evening” Castiel affirmed.“I agree” Dean said.

“Maybe…just one more-”

Dean pulled him back inside the apartment and pushed their lips together.

Things that night had not progressed beyond making out and a little groping on Dean’s couch, but he was happy to take it slow.

Dean was in awe when he turned up at Castiel’s house. Even from the outside – with the carefully tended flower beds and bumblebee welcome mat – everything about it seemed warm and inviting.

Dean rang the doorbell and suddenly felt very nervous. He did not like the way he was dressed because he had been late from work and had not had the chance to change; he was pretty sure that he was still covered in spots of oil and grease.

When Castiel opened the door Dean’s eyes widened with surprise. The other man was wearing a baggy red hoodie and sweatpants. His hair was ruffled all over the place and he had patches of flour dusted on his sleeves.

“Dean, oh my God” Castiel fretted. “Is it seven already? I’m so sorry, I didn’t even realise. I’m such a mess-”

“That makes two of us then” Dean laughed as he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Castiel’s waist. “But you still look hot to me.”

Castiel smiled and leaned in so that they could share a kiss.

“I really think that I should get changed though” the smaller man said as he abruptly pulled away.

“Alright” Dean said. “Do you mind if I take a shower? I’m aware I smell like a gas station.”

“Sure” Castiel said. He bit his lip nervously and took hold of Dean’s hand. “Seems that we’ll both require to be naked for a little while then.”

“I generally like to shower without my clothes on, yes” Dean said.

Castiel sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at seductive talk. Do you want to have sex?”

Dean did not reply for a moment as he was more than shocked, but then he could not stop himself from laughing. Castiel frowned.

“Sorry” Dean said. “I’ve just never been asked like that before. Are…Are you sure you want to? I don’t want you to think that what happened at my place was me pushing you-”

“No, not at all!” Castiel quickly replied. “I-I mean…the other night was what made me realise I-I’d like to…I just haven’t stopped thinking about it. About you.”

Dean smiled endearingly. “Cas, I would like to have sex with you.”

“Okay…good” Castiel said. “But now I’m afraid I’ve made things too awkward.”

Dean was about to say something in response but then he sniffed the air. “What is that?”

“Oh, it’s pecan pie” Castiel explained. “I remember you said it was your favourite. I’m no cook but I’m pretty good at baking, so I made one for you.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, that’ll do it” he said a little breathlessly.

“Do wh-?” Castiel started to ask but then Dean had his lips pressed against his. “Got it” Castiel panted when they broke apart. “Bedroom is this way” he said as he started to drag Dean up the stairs.

“What if he doesn’t like me?”

“Baby, he’s going to love you” Dean assured Castiel as he walked up behind him and rubbed his shoulders reassuring.

They had been dating for three months now and Dean was about to introduce Ben to Castiel for the first time. It was Halloween, so Dean had suggested that Castiel went trick-or-treating with them. Castiel had been in the bathroom getting ready when he’d looked at himself in the mirror and started worrying. He knew that Ben meant everything to Dean and he was not sure he could handle the pressure.

“Maybe I should have got more candy” Castiel murmured.

“While I can’t say bribery won’t help, you just need to be you, okay?” Dean assured Castiel as he turned him to face him. “Ben gets on with everyone, and he said that you were awesome as soon as I told him what your job was.”

“Really?” Castiel asked with a small smile.

“Yes” Dean said sincerely. “Now, I gotta go pick him up and you get into your costume.”

“Don’t you think you’re taking this Indiana Jones thing a little too far?”  Castiel said as he looked over at the brown leather jacket, fedora, and prop bull whip Dean had supplied him with.

“Not far enough” Dean affirmed. “I want you to keep that whip for later” He said lowly and then started to nibble a little at Castiel’s neck.

Castiel closed his eyes and sighed contentedly but had to remind himself that they did not have time.

“Stop!” He exclaimed as he snapped out of the trance. “You’re going to be late picking Ben up.”

“Alright” Dean chuckled. He pecked Castiel on the cheek. “I’ll be back in a half hour.”

Once Dean left Castiel changed into his costume and filled a big bowl full of candy ready to present to Ben on his arrival.  

A few other parents came with their children to knock on Castiel’s door before Dean appeared with Ben.

“Trick-or-treat?!” Dean said with a child-like grin; he had changed into his Zorro costume.

“You both look wonderful” Castiel smiled. “Hi, Ben. I’m Cas. I didn’t know Kiss had a fifth member!” He commented as he took in the young boy’s rock star wig and face paint.

“You get my costume?” Ben said with surprise. “You’re obviously cool then. My mom said people would just think I’m a weird vampire. I like your costume too. Indiana Jones rules!”

“Thank you” Castiel smiled. “I don’t think I’ve ever been called cool before. You can have some of my special stock” he said as he grabbed separate bowl. “Sour candies. Think you can handle it?”

“I bet you make a face eating one before I do!” Ben said.

“I accept your challenge” Castiel said with determination.

Dean watched the whole interaction with a contented smile. He knew Cas had nothing to worry about.

**********************

They went around the whole of Cas’ neighbourhood and ended up with quite a haul of treats.

“Dean!” Ben groaned as he slapped the man’s hand away from trying to sneak into his bag. “I told you, you can have all the coconut ones. I don’t like those ones.”

“No one likes those ones” Dean pouted.

“Here, Cas. You can have some peanut cups.”

“Why does he get the peanut ones?!”

“Because he didn’t try to steal!”

“Thank you” Castiel chuckled as he took the treats from Ben.

They were walking back to Castiel’s house when Ben yawned loudly. His eyes started to droop closed and his movements had grown sluggish. Dean looked at his watch and saw that it was nearing midnight. They had just reached the top of Castiel’s street.

“Alright, solider” He said as he picked Ben up. “Let’s get you home.”

“Here, Cas” Ben said as he handed his candy over. “Promise you won’t let Dean eat any?” He said as he stuck out his pinkie.

“Promise” Castiel said seriously as he linked his little finger with Ben’s. “I’ll guard it with my life.”

“I knew you two would end up plotting against me” Dean said lowly.

By the time they reached Castiel’s house Ben was sound asleep against Dean’s shoulder.

“It would be a shame to disturb him” Castiel whispered. “Why don’t you both stay here tonight? If you don’t think Lisa would mind.”

“That would be great, thanks” Dean said.

He carried Ben inside and followed Castiel up to the spare bedroom.

He watched as Castiel pulled back the covers and fluffed the pillows. Dean laid Ben down and took off his wig and shoes before standing back and watching Castiel tuck him in safely; it made Dean’s heart swell with adoration.

They crept out of the room and Castiel closed the door softly behind them.

They made their way into the lounge and collapsed into each other’s arms on the sofa.

“You may end up with face paint all over your sheets” Dean said.

“That doesn’t matter” Castiel said. “I’m just happy Ben seems to like me. He’s a lovely boy.”

“I told you that you had nothing to worry about” Dean said. “I’m so happy that you get along” he said as he reached for the Ben’s bag of candy which Castiel had placed on the coffee table.

“Hey, no” Castiel said sternly as he grabbed Dean’s arm. “I promised Ben not to let you have any.”

Dean could not even be mad. Instead he smiled at Castiel and said something which he had been finding the opportune moment to say for the past few weeks.

“I love you.”

Castiel looked shocked for a moment before grinning from ear-to-ear.

“I love you too.”

They kissed gently but with obvious passion and adoration.

Dean had not felt this happy in a long time.

And it all started to fall apart because of one stupid mistake.

It was six months into their relationship. Castiel had been asked to give a lecture at the local college about his latest exhibitions at the museum.

Dean went to Castiel’s house in the morning to make sure that he was ready. He knew that Castiel would be having a hard time preparing to be the centre of attention in a room full of people he did not know; even people without social anxiety struggle in that situation.

He found Castiel in his bedroom fiddling with a bow tie which he had bought especially for the occasion; it was just so typically Cas and it only solidified Dean’s belief that he was the most adorable person in the world.

“Let me help you with that, baby” Dean said. He saw just how much Castiel’s fingers were trembling.

“Thank you” Castiel said with a deep shuddery breath. “Why did I say yes to this?”

“Because you’re brave and you want to inspire people” Dean reminded him.

“Right” Castiel said. “Dean…will you come to the lecture? I think if I see you there and I feel like I’m just talking to you I’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, of course I will” Dean said with a soft smile. He booped a kiss on the end of Castiel’s nose and stood back to take a look at him. “You’re as cute as a button” he half teased.

“That wasn’t exactly what I was going for, but thank you.”

“Alright” Dean said. “I have to take Ben to baseball practise. I’ll see you at..?”

“Three” Castiel said.

“I’ll see you at three” Dean affirmed before giving Castiel a quick kiss. “You’re gunna be awesome” he assured him once more.

“I will be now” Castiel smiled.

********************

After Ben had finished practise Dean checked his watch and saw it was only one-thirty. It would not take him long to drop Ben off and get to the university so he asked if Ben wanted to go and get a milkshake; the boy had happily agreed.

They walked to a nearby dinner and enjoyed a couple of drinks together. Afterwards Dean checked his watch again, but he saw that the time was unchanged.

He frowned and tapped the glass but none of the hands were working.

“Oh no” Dean murmured. “What time is it?!” he asked Ben.

“It’s almost three” the boy replied as he looked at the clock on the wall.

“Crap!” Dean exclaimed as he scrambled to pull some dollar bills out of his pocket. “Sorry, kiddo, we gotta go.”

They raced out to the car and Dean drove to Lisa’s house as quickly as possible.

Dean tried to apologise as Ben had to practically jump out of the car but the young boy simply told him to shut up and get to Cas.

When Dean looked at the clock on the dashboard he saw it was almost three-thirty.

He repeatedly cursed under his breath when he turned on to the main road and found it was backed up with traffic.

Dean felt tears begin to collect the corners of his eyes. He knew that he had let Cas down and now there was little he could do about it.

The clocked rolled up to four and Dean was still stuck.  

His phone started ringing and his stomach clenched with guilt when he saw that it was Cas. He picked it up with a shaky hand and answered.

“Sweetheart-”

“Don’t, Dean” Castiel whispered with a broken voice; it was obvious that he had been crying and that made tears finally spill from Dean’s eyes too.

“Cas, please” Dean said just as quietly. “I’ll come pick you up and we can-”

“No” Castiel sniffed. “Don’t come here” he said sternly. “I-I don’t want to see you right now.”

He hung up.

Dean carelessly threw his phone onto the passenger seat and ran his hands down his face.

He did not know what to do.

Dean decided it was best to give Cas some time to cool off before he tried to make his apology. He picked up some honeysuckles - Cas’ favourite flowers - as an extra display of regret.

When he arrived at the front door of Cas’ house Dean took a deep breath to calm his nerves before knocking.

He heard Castiel move across the floorboards, and there was a pause which indicated he was debating whether or not to open it. When he heard the lock click Dean let his shoulders sag a little with relief.

“Yes?” Castiel said more bluntly then Dean had ever heard him before.

“I…I just wanted to say I’m sorry again and make sure you’re okay” Dean said; he felt extremely meek all of a sudden. “I got you these” he said as he quickly thrust out the bunch of flowers.

Castiel looked at Dean cautiously before taking them and going back into the house. He left the door open so Dean assumed that he was allowed to follow.

Castiel put the flowers on the coffee table and sat on the sofa before blankly staring at the wall.

“How could you do that to me?” He asked without even looking at Dean. “You knew how scared I was.”

“Cas, I’m sorry” Dean said as he ran a hand down his face. “My watch was broke and I just lost track of time being with Ben-”

“You knew how important this was to me!” Castiel yelled as stood up and turned to Dean. He was shaking violently and had tears streaming down his face.

“Sweetheart, you need to calm down” Dean said without thinking as he tried to move closer to Cas. “You’re going to have a panic attack-”

“Why do you care?!” Castiel shouted. “Why don’t you just go back to Lisa and Ben?!They’re obviously more important to you!”

Dean froze. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You won’t have missed it if you hadn’t been doing them a favour!” Castiel accused. “I’m your partner now; not Lisa. Ben isn’t even your real son!”

As soon as the words left him Castiel looked horrified and clapped his hands over his mouth.

Dean stared at him with shock before he was suddenly consumed with his own inexplicable rage.

“How dare you?” He seethed. “I love that kid more than anything! If Lisa had stopped me from seeing him then I would have died!”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry” Castiel quivered. He had to sit down because he felt like his legs were going to give out. “I really like Ben, I do. I didn’t mean it, Dean. I was just angry-”

“No, you did mean it!” Dean bellowed and Castiel flinched violently. “How long you been keeping that one to yourself, huh? How long you have you wanted to call me out for that?”

“Dean-” Cas whimpered.

“For Christ sake, Cas, you’re a grown man! You shouldn’t need me to hold your hand! It’s Pathetic.”

And then Castiel really did burst into tears as he let out a loud sob.

A feeling like ice ran down Dean’s spine as the gravity of what he had said hit him; God, he had made Cas’ mental illness sound like it meant nothing. And then Castiel said something which really made Dean hate himself:

“You’re right.”

“No, no sweetheart” Dean said quickly as he went to sit beside Castiel and pulled him into his arms without hesitation. He was relieved when Castiel did not try and pull away but instead buried his face in Dean’s chest and clung to him like he never wanted to let go. “I’m so sorry. I know it’s difficult for you to control. I-I didn’t mean-. I’m so proud of you for still getting up there.”

“No, I’m weak.” Castiel sniffled. “I should be trying harder to get better.”

“No, you just go at your own pace, sweetheart” Dean encouraged; he has to try and keep his own voice steady as he too fell victim to tears. “You made such a huge step today and I’m so proud. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there and I’ll never forgive myself-”

“Don’t say that” Castiel said as he pulled back and wiped his eyes so he could look Dean in the face. “I-it was an accident. I know you would never do that intentionally. And I’m so sorry for what I said.”

“It’s alright, we both said stuff we didn’t mean” Dean said.

Castiel nodded. “Will you…stay tonight?”

“Of course” Dean said and then softly kissed the top of Castiel’s head.

They went upstairs and stripped down to their boxers before nestling in Castiel’s bed together. Dean held Castiel close and whispered sweet nothings into his ear until the smaller man fell asleep.

It took Dean a while to follow suit as his mind just would not whirring with doubt. They had made up for now, but there was still more to discuss. This had been there first fight, but it has been pretty huge. Things had been said out of anger, but now they would always be there, nagging in the back of their minds.

And Dean was worried that now something about their perfect relationship had changed forever.

Following that night things were a little stilted for a few days, but after they talked about it some more both Dean and Castiel felt more at ease and they soon fell back into what felt like their regular rhythm.

A month passed without much thought.

One evening, Dean invited Castiel over for dinner. After coming out on the other side of their argument Dean felt like they were ready to take the next step in their relationship; he wanted to ask Castiel if they could live together.

Dean had made meatloaf and was just placing it in the oven when he heard the front door open - he had given Castiel a key a few weeks ago.

The smaller man came into the kitchen with a huge smile on his face.

“Dean, I have such wonderful news!”

“What is it, baby?”

“They’ve made some more discoveries at the pyramids at Giza and they’ve chosen me to be part of the excursion!”

“Sweetheart, that’s amazing!” Dean grinned. He picked Castiel up in a tight hug and spun him around excitedly.

“I know! It’s been so long since I’ve been part of a project this huge” Castiel explained as Dean put him down again. “Six months in Egypt-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa” Dean said as he pulled back and held onto Castiel’s shoulders.   “Six months?” He said incredulously. “Cas, that’s half a year! Th-that’s only a little less than how long we’ve been together.”

“I know” Castiel frowned. “But, Dean, it’s been my dream to work at such iconic sites like the pyramids-”

“When are you supposed to be leaving?” Dean cut in. Castiel snapped his mouth shut and looked at the wall. “Cas?”

“Next week” he replied quietly.

Dean’s eyes widened. “Next week!” He exclaimed with shock. “And you didn’t think to talk to me about this first?!”

“Why would I?” Castiel asked with genuine confusion.

Dean scoffed. “Are you being serious right now? You decide to just up and leave for half a friggin’ year without even consulting me! We’re supposed to be partners, Cas! We’re supposed to talk things out! Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Did you even think about me?”

“No!” Castiel yelled. “No, I didn’t! Because like you said Dean, this is just a seven month relationship! Archaeology is my life’s work.”

There was a moment of silence where Castiel felt like all the air in his lungs was being sucked out of him as he watched Dean go from visible anger to silent brooding.

“Just seven months?” Dean repeated lowly. “So basically all this time has meant nothing to you?”

“No, that’s not what I-” Castiel sighed as he ran a hand down his face. “I’m sorry, that came out harsher than I intended-”

“I wanted to ask if we could move in together, Cas” Dean said with tears springing to the corners of his eyes. “But instead you want to do the opposite and make sure we’re as far apart as possible.”

“Dean, you are being ridiculous” Castiel huffed. “You knew my job would involve traveling, and if you truly loved me then you’d be happy for me and say that we’ll make it work-”

“I do love you, dumbass!” Dean exclaimed; there was nothing he could do to prevent the tears from rolling now. “How could you even question that? Why the hell do you think I’m so upset?! But clearly you don’t love me enough to even spare a second thought.”

“Why can’t you understand?” Castiel said impatiently. “I can’t deal with you like this. I’m leaving.”

With that he stormed away and slammed the door behind him as he exited the apartment.

Dean sat down at the table and buried his head in his hands.

Yes. Things had definitely changed.

A few days passed and Dean did not hear from Castiel, or make an attempt to contact him. Instead he had hauled himself up in the Roadhouse bar, but he found that he did not even have the will to drink himself stupid.

“Why so blue?”

Dean turned to find a stunning girl with waist length red hair and piercing green eyes.

“Relationship troubles” Dean replied glumly.

“Well if it’s revenge your looking for, I’d be happy to help” the woman said with a seductive smile as she ran her hand up and down Dean’s thigh.

Dean was not sure that he wanted her to stop.

*********************

It was Castiel’s doorstep Dean found himself stood on later that night rather than the woman’s. As soon as she’d made the offer to go back to her apartment Dean had quickly shut the prospect down. The thought of cheating on Cas repulsed him; he should not have even allowed her to touch him.

He had left the bar and kept walking until he almost subconsciously found himself outside of Castiel’s house.

He knocked and saw the light flick on from the landing; he has no idea it was so late.

Castiel opened the door with his eyes only half open and his hair ruffled all over the place; god he was cute.

“Dean, what are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night” Castiel complained.

“I couldn’t sleep without telling you something” Dean confessed.

Castiel let him inside.

They went into the lounge and Castiel sat on the sofa. Dean tentatively sat on the opposite end. He rested his elbows on his knees and wrung his hands together nervously.

“I was just at a bar and a woman hit on me” he confessed without prompting; he thought it best to get it over with quickly. “There was a split second when she touched me and I thought about doing something just to hurt you. I didn’t. I instantly regretted even thinking about it.”

“Dean…it’s okay.”

Dean looked over at Castiel with wide eyes. The other man did not even look angry; if anything he looked understanding.

Dean frowned. “No, it’s not.”

“If you say nothing happened then I believe you. There is no need to dwell on it” Castiel tried to assure him; his words appeared genuine and that made Dean somewhat frustrated. Did he not even care? “I understand that I hurt you by making such a huge decision without talking to you about it first.”

“No, Cas, I shouldn’t have gotten mad like I did” Dean said. “I’d be pretty damn selfish if I made you choose between me and a job you love. And afraid because I know I would not be the one you chose. “So…” He had told himself that he would not pause and he would say the next part with as much conviction as possible, but he choked nonetheless. “I support you going to Egypt. I just reacted like I did because I’m gunna miss you so damn much.”

Castiel smiled softly and moved across the sofa to pull the other man into a gentle embrace. He did not mention when he felt his shoulder begin to grow damp as Dean buried his face there and the taller man was grateful for it.

“C'mon, let’s go to bed” Castiel encouraged.

“No, not tonight” Dean said as he pulled away. “I don’t deserve that.”

“Dean-”

“Seriously, Cas. It’s fine” Dean said. “I’ll call you tomorrow and we can make plans” he promised. “We’re going to make the most of this next week.”

The time we have left together, Dean thought sombrely.

The clock really had started to tick.

A week passed way too quickly for Dean’s liking. There had been many times when he had been stuck in a dry spell at work that he prayed for such an occurrence, but now the one time that he had got his wish his love was leaving him.

Dean had wanted to fill the days with picnics in the forest and walks on the beach, but Castiel said that he would much prefer lounging about in bed just holding each other, eating takeout food and watching TV. He did not want it to feel like they were just doing things they would not normally do because it would feel even more like the end.

And then as if in a blink of an eye they were stood in the airport terminal and Castiel’s flight had been called.

Dean turned to Castiel with tearful eyes, and he could see the same sorrow reflected in Cas’ bright blue ones.

“Don’t say it” Castiel pleaded. “Just say you love me.”

“I love you” Dean said as he cupped Castiel’s cheek in his palm and soothed his thumb across the smaller man’s cheek. “We’ll make it work.”

“I love you too” Castiel replied. He tried his best to smile but found that he could not, so he attempted to hide the fact by pressing his lips fiercely against Dean’s.

Dean savoured the passionate yet tender kiss and just hoped that he would always remember the feeling of warmth and joy that it gave him.

They eventually broke apart.

“Go, or else you’ll miss the gate” Dean lightly urged.

Castiel nodded but did not leave before flinging his arms around Dean’s waist for one last embrace. He did not say another word though, and after a few moments he simply turned and walked away.

There was a painful pang in Dean’s heart that feared he walking away for good.

Castiel video-called Dean as soon as he arrived at the site to tell him he had gotten there safe. It had been 10 o'clock in the morning over there, so Dean had to stay up until 3am. Cas was so excited to show Dean around, and Dean was glad to see that he was so happy, but he knew that only being able to see Castiel’s smile on a screen was going to make the next six months even more torturous.

After that, Castiel did not try to call again for another two weeks.

Dean had tried a couple of days later but Cas had not responded. He brushed it off because Cas was still probably busy settling in so he waited another few more day, but there was still no reply.

Not wanting to seem pushy Dean decided to wait until Castiel contacted him, but as each call-less day passed-by Dean started to feel more and more anxious.

When Castiel did eventually call it was one o'clock in the morning for Dean. The screen on his phone was blaring and chirruping away, yet after days of waiting Dean found that there was a part of him that did not want to answer; a part of him that wanted Castiel to feel the same pain that he did.

But he wanted to know that Castiel missed him as much. He wanted to know that Castiel was finding it just as hard being apart.

Castiel’s lack of response when Dean had told him about the girl in the bar had started to make Dean wonder if Cas was losing his investment in the relationship, and Dean knew that he only had himself to blame. He should have supported Cas when he told him about Egypt, but the gap which had slowly been growing between them had started way before then; when Dean had basically called Castiel pathetic because of his anxiety. He wondered if that was part of the reason why Castiel had said yes to leaving so suddenly, and why he had not given Dean a second thought.

But did Cas even realise how much that truly hurt Dean? To be told by the man he loved that he did not even come into the equation when making huge life decisions. Did he understand how much it hurt when he had scolded Dean for spending time with Ben? For seeing him as his own son? Dean had not realised how much he had carried the pain of that particular outburst.

Both he and Castiel had made errors which they believed that they had moved on from, but it seemed that there has been much more to discuss and neither of them particularly had the communication skills to deal with them.

But then Dean thought about hearing Castiel’s voice, seeing his broad smile, and for that brief moment all that other stuff did not matter as he finally reached for the phone, but he realised that it had gone silent.

Castiel had already given up.

Six months passed painfully slowly. Castiel and Dean did talk but as time went on the conversation became more and more stilted and awkward until eventually, in the final month, there were no calls at all.

However, they had agreed that Dean would pick Castiel up from the airport on the day of his return.

There was a huge part of Dean screaming at him to just walk away as he waited in the terminal because he knew what was to come; he knew that as soon as he saw Castiel he was going to break down.

When the tannoy announced that Castiel’s flight had arrived Dean’s whole body started to shake. He watched the gate without blinking and willed himself not to cry.

It took Dean a moment to register when Castiel was actually walking towards him; mostly because Dean was too busy panicking to notice, but also because there seemed to be something different about Cas’ appearance.

There were a few brief moments where they stared at each other, not sure what to say.

Eventually, Castiel let out a sound reminiscent of a sob and flung his arms around Dean’s neck, burying his face into the taller man’s shoulder. Dean held Castiel close as he finally allowed himself to cry too.

But they both knew that their tears did not come from a place of happiness.

Present Day…

They had decided to break up there and then.

Dean and Castiel had both painfully realised that neither of them had truly forgiven the other, no matter how desperately they wanted to, and that they did not have the communication skills to discuss matters without making things worse. So, they had agreed to leave whilst it still made them feel heartbroken rather than allowing things to progress to pure hatred.

In those three years Dean had endeavoured in flings and one-night stands with various men and women, but he had not connected with any of them like he had with Cas, and there was no one who he had wanted to introduce to Ben; the poor boy had been very upset about Dean and Cas’ break up.

So, Dean had thrown himself into his work, fixing up car after car. All he had for company now on days that he could not spend with Ben was his trusty Impala; but now even she was testing him.

And yet, Dean realised; perhaps she was still looking out for him. Why else would she choose this day, on this street, outside this restaurant, at this exact moment to have an engine failure? It was if she had known Cas was coming; the last source of happiness Dean had in his life.

Dean got back in the driver’s seat and turned the keys again. The engine roared into life, and although she was ready to go Dean found that he could not bring himself to press down on the gas pedal. And yet, even though he could not drive away, Dean was not sure that he could not go into the restaurant either.

************************

For almost two hours Dean sat in his car, hands on the steering wheel, but the problem was he was not sure if he was supposed to be convincing himself to stay or go.

He had spent so many nights thinking about Cas and where they could be right now if they had just been able to talk. He would give anything just to see Castiel’s smile again; to see his soft blue eyes and feel warmth, love, and safety which they provided.

Dean was bombarded with memories of the precious time which he and Cas had spent together; the good far outweighed the bad. The more Dean thought about the past the more he pined to know what the future could hold, and the only way he could ever know was to act in the present.

He could not let this chance pass him by.

Dean got out of the impala and gave the hood a pat in thanks before slowly making his way over to the restaurant.

He pushed the door open and stepped inside.

At first Dean did not spot Castiel and his heart started to beat even faster in fear that Cas had left without him realising, but then he spotted the hunkered over form – much like Castiel had first looked sat on the bar stool when Dean had first laid eyes on him – in the corner, trembling slightly and nervously ripping a napkin into tiny squares.

The table was set for two, but Castiel’s cutlery was the only ones out of place, and he had two empty glasses in front of him. There was a basket of bread which was untouched, and Dean noticed a waiter lingering by who kept shooting Castiel pitiful looks.

The scene made it obvious; Castiel was supposed to be on a date and he had been stood up. The fact did not fill Dean with sadness, but rather an inexplicable rage. How dare some asshole stand up someone as wonderful as Castiel? The stupid son-of-a-bitch had no clue what he had walked away from….and maybe Dean was that stupid son-of-a-bitch.

The waiter put a sympathetic hand on Castiel’s shoulder. Castiel looked up at him with shining eyes.

“I’m sorry, Sir, but if you’re not going to order we’re going to have to give the table to someone else.”

Castiel gave a small nod and looked like he was going to cry.

That was when Dean intervened.

“Hey, sorry I’m so late!” he called over. Castiel’s eyes widened when he saw Dean and his whole body went rigid. “I should have called. That was a real dick move.”

The waiter mumbled something under his breath and looked at Dean disapprovingly before walking away.

Dean sat down and he and Castiel just stared at each other for a few moments as they tried to process seeing each other face-to-face again.

“Well, three years is pretty late” Castiel finally quipped.

Dean gave a huff of amusement and his lip curled into a lopsided smile. “Sorry, I saw you come in here and I just couldn’t stop myself.”

“It’s okay” Castiel said. “I’m glad you didn’t. Hello, Dean.”

Dean closed his eyes momentarily and allowed the sentiment to wash over him; it was so beautifully familiar.

“How’s it going, Cas?”

“Well, tonight has been terrible” Castiel sighed. “But I don’t know what I expected; I met him briefly online. Although…I can’t say that the past three years have been much better as a whole.”

“Yeah? Me either” Dean confessed.

Another silence bridged between them, but it was surprisingly not as awkward as they expected.

“There’s no point in pretending we’re just old friends” Castiel stated.

“I know, but I thought if I started out by saying that barely a day has  gone by where I haven’t thought about you that would be creepy” Dean half-joked.

“Forget creepy, that’s cheesy” Castiel jibed. “And clearly stolen from one of those romantic comedies you hate to love.”

“Ah, ya got me” Dean shrugged. “But…I have missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too” Castiel said with a small smile.

“Full disclosure, I stress ate a whole pizza before coming in here” Dean confessed; it made Castiel laugh and it was like music to Dean’s ears. “So…you maybe wanna…go to a bar and get a drink?”

“Yeah” Castiel said. “And I think I know which bar.”

********************

“Wow, it is exactly the same as it was three years ago” Dean commented as they entered the bar where they had first met.

“Yeah, I haven’t been back since” Castiel said. “Too painful.”

Dean nodded in understanding.

They ordered some beers and took a booth in the corner. They spent hours talking about what they had been up to over the past few years. Dean told Castiel about how Ben was growing and that he was starting middle school. Castiel was pleased to know he was doing well as he missed the sweet child. Dean confessed that not much else had changed; he still worked at the garage and loved fixing up the classic cars, and he tried to casually mention that he had not met anyone else romantically; the way Castiel’s lips had twitched upwards at that brought him hope.

Castiel informed Dean about the digs he had been on all over the world, but after three years on the move he was ready to stay put for a while.

“I feel like it’s time that I start a family” Castiel explained. “I’ve been on a few crappy dates but…but I always found myself comparing them to you because…because you were the best boyfriend I ever had and…and none of them could live up to you.”

Dean started to blush profusely.

“Cas…I could be way off here, but…I would like it if we could go on a date some time?”

Castiel twisted his beer bottle around on the table and seemed hesitant.

“I do still love you, Dean” he admitted. “And I think I’ve always known that, but…what if we just make the same mistakes? I don’t think I…” his voice broke. “I don’t think that I could bear to lose you again.”

Dean took Castiel’s hand. “We know where we went wrong now and we have grown since then. We’ve just been talking like nothing ever happened. I’m not saying that we have to pick up where we left off…I’m saying we could try starting again. Get to know each other again. Learn how to talk to each other.”

Castiel offered Dean a small smile. “Do you want me to go and sit on that stool so that you can rescue me again?” he asked jokily.

“No” Dean chuckled. “Let’s try taking a different route.” He picked up his beer and tried to appear overly seductive. “So, you come here often?”

Castiel laughed. “No, please don’t.”

“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

“No!”

“If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together-”

“Please stop!” Castiel said, still giggling. “I’ll have dinner with you tomorrow if you stop right now.”

“Alright” Dean relented. “We’ve just gotta take things slow.”

“Not too, slow” Castiel said as he squeezed Dean’s hand. “I’ve missed….baking you pies.”

Dean laughed. “Yeah, I’ve missed that too.”

Three Years Later…

Dean woke up with the gentle breeze blowing through the balcony window. The only sounds were the waves washing up to the soft white sand and the light rustling of leaves. The setting may have been a paradise, but it was not Dean’s favourite part of the scene.

That part was Castiel, sleeping naked beside him underneath a white sheet which clung to his body like a Greek God. Dean was on his honeymoon with his husband, and if that meant staying cuddled up in bed all day with the man he loved and letting the rest of the world pass by, then so be it.

He spooned himself behind Castiel and the smaller man made a noise of content as he held Dean’s hands which were rested on his stomach.

Dean pressed delicate kisses along Castiel’s neck.

“We made it” he said quietly.

“We did” Castiel smiled. “It took us a while but…I don’t think that was a bad thing.”

“I know but…I can’t believe that I ever let you go” Dean said.

“I know; those three years apart where hell, but think of it this way; we needed to make those mistakes so that we would learn and eventually we could have this” Castiel replied.

“Okay” Dean said. “But there is one thing that I know for sure” he said as he squeezed Castiel tight. “I am never going to let you go again.

#destiel #destiel fanfiction #destiel angst #supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #my stuff #curious writes

[hekate1308]

The Baggage We Carry, Chapter Eleven

Walking into school the next day felt strange.

Not because he was next to Cas and couldn’t hold his hand even though they were together now; no, they’d already decided to keep up appearances at school as well, in case Dad ever heard something he shouldn’t, and they’d have all the time in the world to enjoy being a couple later; no, it was because school felt strangely... empty.

Even though the corridors were packed as always.

They looked for Crowley, but strangely he wasn’t waiting for them at either of their lockers, as he’d made his habit.

“Hey, Aaron” Dean said when they came across him, “You seen Crowley?”

He shrugged.

“He was walking by a while ago, tried to say hi, it was like he didn’t even hear me”.

Dean and Cas traded worried glances.

“Alright, thanks. By the way – I had a bit of trouble with Dad last night – don’t tell anyone I asked, okay?”

“Sure”.

All in all, Aaron was a pretty decent guy.

Since they didn’t find their friend anywhere in school, the only place he could be hiding was the roof.

During their search, Cas had grown serious, and on the feet of the stairs to the roof, he shook his head.

“You should go talk to him alone.”

“Why?”

“Because you are friends”.

“You two are friends too”.

“Yes, but no one’s forbidding me to see him. This is between you and him.”

Dean nodded.

Cas pressed a gentle kiss against his lips.

“Good luck. I’ll wait here”.

So Dean left his boyfriend (he couldn’t get enough of the word) there in the dark and went looking for Crowley.

He was indeed on the roof, smoking. There were several stubs lying around.

He didn’t even turn around as Dean walked up to him.

He frowned.

Crowley was acting like he had at the beginning, when he was still trying to convince Dean he was mysterious and cool and perhaps a bit scary, too.

“Hey Crowley.”

“Dean”.

He sounded distant too.

“You alright?”

“Of course. I always am”.

It was so blatant a lie that Dean couldn’t think of an immediate response.

“Since I assume you thought this last, last interview of friendship necessary, let me tell you it isn’t”.

“Last interview of – who’s been reading Jane Austen now?”

He still hadn’t looked at Dean, so he couldn’t tell if he was smiling or not.

“It’s alright. I don’t like sitting in lessons anyway. You’ll barely see me. There is no reason to – “

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I know your father saw the picture. I wasn’t at home, or he’d never have got away with it. Left a nice little note for my mother, too”.

Bitterness was seeping into his voice.

“Her musings on how you’d break the news to me brought her countless hours of merriment”.

Dear God. A whole night with that woman in their empty house, laughing at him about how his best friend wouldn’t talk to him anymore come tomorrow.

Small wonder he was acting like this.

“Crowley” he said quietly. “Please turn around”.

He did.

As Dean had suspected, he looked decisively teary-eyed.

“I’m not used to smoking one after another anymore” he said stubbornly as if that explained anything.

“Of course. I like it better when you don’t”.

Crowley snorted.

“Right. Doesn’t matter; you’ve got a boyfriend to spend time with now anyway”.

It was better never to ask Crowley how he knew certain things.

“It was never him or you. I need you both. You should know that”.

“Even when daddy dearest doesn’t want us to hang out?”

“Yes, especially then. Crowley, you were always the first to tell me I should make my own decisions. This is one of them. Yeah, we’ll have to be careful, but we used to do that, remember? No one will know. And once we finish school, we don’t have to care anymore”.

“You – you really mean that” Crowley said.

“Of course I do”.

Crowley let his cigarette drop.

Dean pulled him into a hug.

Weird, really; they used to make out now and then, but they’d never hugged before.

When they stepped back, Crowley wiped his eyes.

“Ugh. Never doing that again. That felt strange”.

Dean laughed.

“See you in the library after school?”

“Sure. Tell Feathers I want to see him too”.

And so they ended up once more under Karen’s care. She’d smiled brightly when Dean and Cas had started holding hand over the table, even though Crowley had rolled his eyes, and when she brought them pie, Dean had an idea.

“Karen, can I ask you for a favour?”

Of course there was a certain risk involved, since she and Mom were good friends, but what did it signify? If a storm broke out, that too would blow over, and they would continue as before, if slightly more careful.

“But of course Dean. How can I help you?”

“My parents don’t want me to meet Crowley anymore, and I was wondering if we could perhaps... hang out in your house? Now and then?”

“They don’t want you to –“

She looked at Crowley.

“I’d never have thought that Mary and John were such poor judges of character.”

“My reputation...” Crowley began.

“Oh, come off it. I know you’re a big huggy bear”.

That shut him up.

“Of course you can meet at our house. I would never keep such good friends apart, and neither would Bobby”.

That had been easy.

The Singer house became something like their base, and if Dean noticed that his parents were slowly diminishing in importance to him, it was happening so gradually it didn’t bother him. At home he continued to play the dutiful son, mostly talking about the wrestling team and his buddies there as well as cars, Sam aiding him by occasionally playing up just how big a nerd he was, although he couldn’t help sniggering now and then when Dean had to pretend he didn’t know anything about Star Trek.

The Singers would probably have laughed as much about it as Sam. Over the next eighteen months, they’d have many series and movies marathons; sometimes, the boys even spent the night. Mom and Dad seemed to treat the whole matter mostly as a joke, as “loaning their kids to someone who’d like some” now and then.

It wasn’t long before Dean realized Crowley seemed to sleep over more often than anyone else.

When he asked him about it, he shrugged.

“They don’t mind, and I like it better here than at home”.

He did look happier than he had before, so Dean said nothing.

They didn’t just have fun at the Singer house, though.

They studied a good deal as well. Dean had not forgotten about his ambition to get into Harvard; and both Karen and Bobby thought he could easily succeed.

“You’ll make a damn fine biomedical engineer, son, trust me. I always knew how to spot talent”.

Cas had finally decided that it was medicine that interested him more than anything else; and Crowley...

Yeah, he’d make a damn fine lawman, Dean couldn’t deny that, but he was already worried for the poor bastard who’d ever have to come up against him in an argument.

At least he and Sammy would eventually be able to kick ass together, if he didn’t want to become President, that was.

Bobby and Karen had only smiled when Dean, holding Cas’ hand and stuttering, had told them that they’d truly begun to date but that for now it was a secret.

“Never understood John’s hang up” Bobby muttered. “You have to go with the time, otherwise you’re just standing still, and that’s no good for engines or humans”.

He and Cas spent a good deal of their time alone, of course. He’d never really been in a relationship like this before – a good, solid, real one – and neither had Cas, and there were boundaries to explore, things to learn, and all of it was fun because Cas was right there with him.

“You know” he said to him one evening in the Singers’ backyard, the others having returned to the house, I’m actually happy”.

“Good” Cas said, “You deserve it”.

Dean’s head was lying on his shoulder.

He took his hand and kissed it.

“I can’t wait to go to college with you”.

“I’m looking forward to go with you as well”.

After a pause he added, “And Crowley.”

“Good luck getting rid of him now” Dean said sleepily.

“I’m pretty sure we adopted him”.

Cas chuckled and kissed his head.

“Come on, sleepyhead, I’ll bring you to bed”.

They always slept in the same bed when they spent the night at the Singers’.

Somewhere down the line, he learned not to care when Dad made another comment about the shop or how he was too busy with wrestling to chase girls lately. He thought of Cas and smiled.

Sam now and then still tried to get their parents to see the truth. Dean knew there was no persuading them, and so he did what was best for himself and felt good for the first time in a long time.

The teachers slowly got used to the change in him. His grades constantly improving, his friends realizing he was actually a pretty big nerd, some of them sticking by him, others abandoning him...

Dean supposed this was what growing up felt like.

Aaron was one of those who stayed at his side.

On their side, really.

One day, during lunch, he said quietly, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“You’re dating, right?”

He’d asked it so quietly that no one else could have heard, and Dean was thankful.

“Yeah, we’re keeping it under the radar though. My old man isn’t exactly... understanding”.

Aaron nodded.

“If I didn’t have my grandfather to support me...”

“Hey, things can only get better, right? Just wait until we’re all out of here... am I mean...”

“It’s okay Dean, you’ve been working to get good enough grades for college, haven’t you?”

“You’re a pretty good observer”.

“Just taking care of my friends”.

And then came the time of college applications, and since Dad continued to make jokes about how Dean didn’t have to worry about any of that and Mom was just glad he had a future in front of him, Dean worked on that at the Singer house too, Bobby and Karen proudly looking on.

He, Cas and Crowley coordinated their applications of course, for, as even the latter would admit, there was just a chance they wouldn’t “all get into Harvard” so they needed back-up plans.

“Dean...” Bobby told them that night as they said goodbye, “I want you to know that it’s alright if you don’t get to go to an Ivy League college. I know you’ve set your heart on it, but trust me son, we’ll be proud of you either way”.

“Thanks Bobby. And believe me...” he trailed off, locking eyes with Cas.

“I know”.

He chuckled.

“You two are worse than me and Karen on our honeymoon”.

Dean blushed and tried to pretend he wasn’t imagining Cas and him on theirs.

They were barely eighteen, for crying out loud. They had all the time in the world.

Sometimes, he wondered what would have happened if he’d obeyed his Dad when he was sixteen and scared.

None of this, he supposed.

Unsurprisingly, he also took the letter he received from Harvard to the Singers to open, Sam accompanying him.

Cas and Crowley were already there, two similar envelopes in their hands. He kissed the former and clasped the latter’s shoulder before asking, “On three?”

#my writings #destiel #high school au #smart!dean #bestie!crowley

[bitter-blogger]

Dean Fan Approved Destiel Fics

Here is a list of recent, classic, or slept on destiel fics that I enjoyed as a Dean fan. This list is not exhaustive. I tried to keep to fics that were a bit longer and semi-recent. My blog does not reflect the opinions of any of the mentioned authors. My only intention is to show appreciation for these fics, not offend the authors.

The Dove's Long Journey to Champaign by violue on AO3. 33k words. Rated E.

Summary:

After four years of solitude on a remote island, Dean’s been through hell. But he’s home, he’s healing, and he has a very special gift for a man he’s never met. (Basically this is an AU of the movie Cast Away that takes place after the island.)

Comment:

I love this fic. The idea is so unique, I’d never read anything like it. It gets pretty heavy at times, dealing with some depressing themes, so read the tags and notes if that kind of thing might bother you. I really loved how Dean and Cas were both working on some issues, but one’s health was never prioritized over the other. There are tons of little details I like about this, but that’s my main. They help each other and view each other as equals. Dean’s unemployed (for obvious reasons) and Castiel works in a small store.

Shut Up (Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is) by kototyph on AO3. 23.9k words. Rated E.

Summary:

Dean's done some pretty stupid things, but getting drunk-hitched in Vegas to a colleague he barely knows might just take the cake. His surprise husband, Castiel, is a little weird but likable despite that, and Dean figures they’ll go back to Boston, get a quiet annulment, and go their separate ways. Six weeks later, he’s still married to one of the strangest, most genuine and definitely most dangerously lov-- likable guys he's ever known.

Comment:

OK, this one is pretty old and definitely falls more into a “classic,” but it’s also one of my favorites and most re-read fics. Plus the author put out another installment, Lights So Bright, Christmas ‘16 so that’s recent! Dean works in marketing and Castiel in finance for the same company.

One White Lie by komodobits on AO3. 11k words. Rated G.

Summary:

Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.

Comment:

A short and sweet meet (kinda) cute. Dean is a nurse and Castiel is a physicist.

Cuckoo And Nest by komodobits on AO3. 10k words. Rated E.

Summary:

It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless.

Comment:

This one is canon verse. The summary is longer at ao3, but it’s such a short fic, just read it. Dean/Cas as an established relationship in canon and their relationship issues. It’s kinda slice of life.

*On a side note, I generally like this author’s work and could rec several of her fics. Muscle Memory is a more Cas-centric fic, but it’s very good to Dean. I haven’t read Ninety One Whiskey yet, so I can’t rec it, but I’ve read a fair number of her short fics and enjoyed them.

Plain and Tall by destielpasta & mtothedestiel on AO3. 69k words. Rated E.

Summary:

Dean is a Kansas farmer who only wants to work his land and care for his infant daughter.  With his wife gone and his brother moving on to a life beyond the homestead, Dean finds himself in need of another pair of hands. Castiel, a lonely drifter freshly arrived in town, may prove the solution to Dean’s troubles.

Though The Course May Change by imogenbynight on AO3. 51k words. Rated E.

Summary:

After a couple who went missing several years ago from an Oregon couples retreat are mysteriously returned on the same night that another disappears, Dean and Charlie plan to go undercover to find the cause--until Dean's foot meets his mouth, and he finds himself fake-engaged to Castiel instead.

Comment:

Another canon verse, and probably one of my favorite case fics. The case is interesting, the pretend dating is fantastic, Charlie’s characterization is a blessing. I’m usually pretty weary of pining Dean, because I think it often reads like Cas girls making Dean a self-insert, but I thought this fic handled it well. It didn’t get too over the top for me.

Coming Home by justanothersong on AO3. 12k words. Rated T.

Summary:

Before Dean discovered internet chili peppers, he brought Castiel home for dinner.

Pre-quel to Chili Peppers, can be read as a standalone. (But it's more fun if you read CP first!)

Comment:

I actually like other fics in this verse more than I like the original fic, this second installment prequel being my favorite of them. This fic is established relationship with Dean introducing Castiel to the Winchester family for the first time. Is it weird to say that my favorite part of this destiel fic is Sam? because... I love this characterization of Sam. It’s what I would have wanted from canon. Dean and Cas are both English professors at the same college.

Named by RC_McLachlan on AO3. 94k words. Rated M.

Summary:

Jesus Christ is dead. Somehow, that isn't the worst part of Dean's week.

Comments:

It is my humble opinion that no matter how many years pass, you can’t make a destiel rec list, especially as a Dean fan, and not include Named. This fic is so iconic to me, I sometimes forget it’s not canon. More often than that I wish it were canon. When I started reading fic in 2012, you couldn’t breathe without getting recced Named (and 300 Things), but I recently found out a friend of mine had never read it so I guess that’s not the case anymore. This fic is from 2010, but is still worth the read and always will be.

#dean x cas #destiel #this isn't like a certified rec bc it's a wip but i've been reading the walk by persephoneshadow and i like it so far #dean has some pretty low self esteem and it's Dark and heavy but idk it SEEMS like dean's h is gonna get some nice c #and that is really hard to find so i'm into it #dean is a full service sex worker and castiel does some office job at a hospital #bitter dean fan blogging #also this would be longer but i got distracted re-reading that first one and i'm gonna finish that now

[amwritingmeta]

12x19 Deconstruction: Cas and Kelly, and Most of the Episode

Oh, this episode. This episode has me salivating with inspiration and a bit of worship - the structure is so damn good I want to just use it as a private staple from here on out. (I won’t.) (Or will I?...) Okay, let’s move onto the actual focus of this deconstruction: the baby. I have stated again and again how...

I do not believe the baby is evil - I believe it’s good. 

So let me here give you my foremost reasons for why I so firmly believe this, but first, can we just do a slow clap for the amazing work of writers Robert Berens and Meredith Glynn and the stunning job done on this episode by director Amanda Tapping? Thank you. (Yes, okay, let’s stop now.)

I’m going to have to dip into the entirety of this episode now in order to make my reasons for believing the baby is of the Good stick. I’ll spend an extra moment on the pivotal scene in the motel room, but honestly, this episode is so Cas/Kelly focused that it’s impossible not to look at the entirety of both of their story lines through every beat of this forty-two minute blitz of deep character development for Cas. It’s fucking amazingly crafted. Again, prostrated on the floor, Writers.

But what about Destiel?

Well, of course this is a Destiel heavy episode, and for very good reasons, too, but I’m going to discuss Dean as he relates to Cas’ character arc this time around, rather than how they both relate to their joint love story arc. (Okay, the love story arc will be part of this discussion because it can’t not be, but it won’t be in focus.) (There will be Destiel.) (Wait COME BACK I SAID THERE WILL BE DESTIE—… Good. Hi. There will be Destiel. Okay? Just alittlemoreCasKellybabydiscussionshhhhhhh let’s begin now.)

So, then: Why Is the Baby Good?

Oh, boy. The answer is a long and complex one, because it doesn’t really occur in one scene, rather it just keeps coming at you throughout the episode. And it starts as early as the recap sequence, where we’re reminded of Dagon’s role as Protector. The dialogue where she convinces Kelly to come with her is chilling, and significant:

Dagon: I’m a demon - you’re Rosemary, complete with baby. Kelly, the angels, the Wincesters, the good guys - they want you dead, but I can protect you. I can protect your son.

Even though Kelly might have had reservations, what happens when the Winchesters decide to interfere, tricking Kelly and more or less kidnapping her against her will, really only serves to prove one thing: they have nothing on Dagon.

Sam: We want to help. Kelly: You call this helping?

Kelly has no faith in them whatsoever and when Dagon comes for her, she’s resigned to go with her - there’s no salvation to be had here, the Winchesters, whatever their motivation, can’t protect her or her child.

THE OPENING SCENE

The opening scene of 12x19 gives us a harrowing setup, immediately declaring the new relationship between Kelly and Dagon as Dagon is now Kelly’s Captor - the Protector role long gone. Dagon forces vitamins down Kelly’s throat as Kelly’s refusing them. Kelly’s appearance is filthy, her expression vacant: all hope has gone from her. The following exchange (shortened) is, however, intriguing to the extreme in terms of foreshadowing:

Dagon: Stop disrespecting the god inside of you. Kelly: He’s gonna kill me. Dagon: Yeah. And he’s not gonna stop there. Every sad, weak human; every tight ass angel; every snivelling demon - they’ll all be consumed.

Now, I would like to draw your eye away from the narrative of the entire series, and instead focus you on the contained narrative of this specific episode. Everything interlaces gorgeously either way, and the whole of the series is reflected in the prisms of the character arcs of this episode, but putting that aside, let’s simplify it, for simplicity’s sake.

Dagon is not only a Prince of Hell, she’s Lucifer’s closest, she’s acting directly under his orders, but, in the context of the narrative of this episode, she is not a parallel to Lucifer: she is a representative of Evil, of darkness, of death and of destruction. She is everything bad in this world, every last minute of suffering and heartbreak. She is representative of the end to all things. She declares this in her speech: all will be consumed, and she’s delighting in the thought.

(This is, of course, in perfect linkage with Lucifer’s arc this season: he’s breaking daddy’s toys and he just created the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, but I’m adding that as an aside. In the narrative of this episode Dagon is a representative of all Evil, not just the evil of Lucifer.)

Now, after Dagon has drained every last morsel of any possibility that hope might rekindle within Kelly, we witness one of the most horrifyingly realistic and absolutely amazingly shot and acted suicides I’ve ever seen on television. It has such cinematic quality, it’s so deeply sad and moving, that I again send out kudos, this time especially to the amazing Courtney Ford. Because wow, what a performance.

Now, the act of Kelly killing herself is tied into the overarching theme of the show: that of sacrificing yourself to save the world, to do what is right; but moreover it’s also tied to the S12 prevailing theme of parenthood. Kelly tells her son she’s sorry, she loves him, but she can’t allow him to be the cause of so much suffering - she’ll sooner kill them both. This is what Dagon’s words have brought her to: suicide.

Of course, the baby saves her life, only to have Dagon taunt Kelly’s newfound faith in her son - telling her that her son doesn’t want her alive, he saved her to save himself. He’ll kill Kelly when he’s born and then Dagon will raise him, nurture him, teach him to kill - like a mother should. Yup, there’s that parenthood theme again, now firmly tying itself with Dagon’s character arc. (I do believe this theme has been there in practically every single episode this season and I’ve been loving it.) (In case that hasn’t been made clear by previous posts.)

THE REUNION/MIXTAPE EXCHANGES

I’ve gone into deep-deconstruction mode on this already and won’t do so here, except to take a closer look at Cas and his motivations in this scene, and the following one with Dean and the (I still get so giddy at the very thought) mixtape.

We know what the brothers don’t: Cas has been approached by the angels to assist Heaven in tracking down Kelly Kline. So as soon as Cas delivers that line about going to the angels, thinking they might help with Dagon, we as the audience know he is lying, and that he’s clearly not back at the Bunker to ask Dean and Sam for help or even to be honest with them.

Cas is having to go behind their backs - and he’s distressed about it.

Damn is Misha good in this scene. Okay, back on track.

Cas can’t stand deceiving the people who trust him, and the fact that Dean is so pissed off with him doesn’t make things any easier, but Cas has to do this, because if he doesn’t, Dean or Sam will have to kill Kelly and her baby and he knows what that will do to them. Oh, he knows it very well, even before he asks Dean if the brothers could kill an innocent, because he knows that they’d never get over it.

This ties in with what Dean told him in that Let’s Have an Impromptu Lunch Date scene from 10x09, in which Dean tells Cas that some things you have to forget about, confessing to this being the opposite of what he does. So now, with Kelly Kline and her child, Cas can’t have that. He’s protecting Dean, and he’s protecting Sam, as he always has done. As he’s learned you’re supposed to do for the people you love, and he’s learned this from Dean, whom he considers a role model, someone who has always been the one to guide him through the human experience, advising and berating him in equal measure, but, more than anything else, showing him true loyalty and friendship.

Cas’ confession to Dean - honesty amidst the lying - says so much about what his mental state has been ever since he was told he was expendable in S11. He’s been carrying that feeling with him ever since then, he’s been low on energy for all of S12, feeling tired and despondent, and verbalising this when he tells Dean that he needed to come back with a win for him, then adding that extremely significant “for myself”, this moment, and this particular bit of Cas exposition, is so important for how the rest of the episode shapes up.

Because Cas’ starting point is all things Bad: duty is forcing him to lie to his friends, his family, in order to get that win, in order to do what’s right and protect the people he loves by making a choice for them. His hopelessness and willingness to selfless sacrifice is mirrored in Kelly’s attempted suicide: their character arcs’ starting points in the episode are the same, moving them onto a conjoined path of Good where they begin to share a need of protecting the baby. (No, they’re not brainwashed into it by.) (No, they’re not being controlled.) (Hang on, I’m getting to it, I promise.) (Okay, let’s skip ahead to...)

MOTEL ROOM EXCHANGE

Cas is now, in effect, acting as Kelly’s Captor. He is escorting Kelly - and her unborn child - to a place where both of them will die. He’s doing this because he believes it’s right - just as Dagon did - only Cas is Dagon’s complete Opposite. As demonstrated in this scene. 

Even before this, when Cas is telling Kelly his plan to take her to Heaven, where she and the baby will die, but peacefully, he’s still regretful, even though he’s more Castiel - soldier of the Lord - in that exchange than I believe we’ve seen him in quite some time. This because he has a determined mission, these are his imperatives, and this is his plan: this is Cas with a purpose. He states the facts to Kelly, in that scene in the truck, without much emotion or circumvention.

But then, this following exchange takes place in the motel room:

Kelly: Something happened to me, Castiel. I lost hope, I tried to… I killed myself. I slit my wrists. I died. And then… he saved me. He brought me back to life. Cas: That was the pulse. We felt that in Heaven. Kelly: His power. His soul surged through me and it was good. Pure. I feel-… I know he is good. Cas: Kelly, what your child did that’s testament to his power, but it’s not proof of some goodness. He needs you alive. Kelly: Maybe. Or maybe it was a miracle. Maybe everything that I’ve been through, everything that I still have to go through is happening for a reason. Maybe it’s part of some plan. Cas: No, it isn’t. I used to believe in a plan. I used to believe that I had some mission. But I have been through enough now to know that everyone is just winging it. Some of us quite badly. Lucifer - he’s just breaking toys, he’s sowing destruction and chaos and there is no grand purpose at work. And there’s no special role for you. When Lucifer took over Rooney’s body, I’m sorry, you were just there. Kelly: I know my baby can be good for this world. Cas: Kelly, if he’s born… That is not something you can survive. So even if you are right, and even if the worst isn’t inevitable, then who will care for him when you’re gone? Who? Who is strong enough to protect him and to keep him from evil influences and to keep him on the righteous path? …What? Kelly: He just kicked… Do you wanna? Cas: Oh… No. Kelly: It’s not a big deal, Castiel - he does it like ten times a day.

Let’s talk about this now. Let’s look at the words chosen for this exchange. Let’s YouTube the sucker and look at the scene again and really let all of the details sink in, especially with regards to how these two characters interact. 

Cas is quite stand offish when the scene begins and they’ve just entered the room. He���s a little impatient, annoyed at the error of the truck breaking down, at not knowing how to fix it (thinking of Dean Dean Dean), and - remembering what happened last time he let Kelly go to the restroom alone - he promptly escorts her out of the small bathroom and has her sit on the bed.

He then fetches her the water.

If there wasn’t a difference between him and Dagon before, this is where we really begin to notice it. In his Captor role, all he’s doing is done because he believes it’s right - just as Dagon did - and the fact that he’s taken up her cape becomes even clearer during his dialogue with Kelly, when he almost verbatim repeats Dagon’s words back at Kelly regarding her son: saving his mother’s life doesn’t prove the child is good, the child needs his mother alive in order to survive.

Kelly begins her rebuttal speech to this statement in an over-zealous, almost devout way - the same, nearly startling, conviction on her face that she had while speaking to Dagon about the baby having saved her life. This could be the look of someone under the influence of a supernatural being - but because of what comes after it, because of the dialogue chosen for these two characters, I believe this is the Good Mother showing her utter devotion to her child. She is not being influenced to convince Cas. 

Why not?

The answer actually lies within Cas’ speech to her about there not being any grand scheme afoot here, there is no plan, no greater purpose. He tries to bring Kelly down to the level he’s at with his faith, which is - after everything he’s been through - at zero. He tries to make her see reason, the way he’s been forced to. 

Because God has left. Actually, God left a very long time ago. Cas was never following God’s orders and the disillusionment this caused in him chipped away at every ounce of belief until he was left with this emptiness. Heaven may be more or less in order, but at what cost? Lucifer was let out of the cage because of a decision Cas made and managed to produce a nephilim on his watch so it’s little wonder Cas feels responsible. No wonder Cas needs Kelly to hear him. She will die either way and her baby? 

Oh, yes, here’s the clinch. This is it. This is the piece of dialogue that sealed it for me. Cas says:

Cas: Who is strong enough to protect him and to keep him from evil influences and to keep him on the righteous path?

And not only is it that the dialogue makes use of that incredibly significant word “righteous”, but even more than that is it the action that follows it - when the baby kicks.

I yelped at the mention of the word “righteous” because not only is it another callback, but it takes us all the way back to 4x16, and Cas telling Dean that line of dialogue of how the righteous man who began it is the one who will end it. Yes, it was all a rouse to get Dean to become Michael’s vessel. The dick angels played Dean and they played Cas and this is where Team Free Will really began. But see? This is where Team Free Will really began.

To Cas, Dean has always been The Righteous Man because Cas could see what the others couldn’t. That’s why he beat Dean up in that alley - because he knew Dean was better than that. And what if - it’s a big if - but what if Kelly’s right and Cas is wrong believing there isn’t a plan? It doesn’t take away Free Will. It just means that to reach the end result of the plan - which, to me, is endgame represented in a balance between Heaven, Hell and Earth - the people entrusted with this task need to make the right choices. They need to have faith, show trust in each other and work together.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, into the conjecture part of the proceedings. I apologise.

As if making me yelp by bringing up the word “righteous” wasn’t enough, then the look on Cas’ face when he places his hand on Kelly’s stomach made my heart ache for him. This is Cas as we’ve come to know him, someone who loves and is in awe of humanity, and how it can create life. That smile is something we’ve never seen on Cas’ face before. 

He’s more human than angel in this moment.

And this is what the baby responds to when it shows Kelly a flash of the future: I would assume it’s Lucifer rising, Cas stepping in front of Kelly saying “You stay away from her”. Cas, in complete contrast to Dagon, who thought of Kelly as disposable waste, is protecting the baby’s mother. This is why the baby now chooses Castiel. It happens in this moment. Cas goes from being Captor, to being Protector.

THE WINCHESTERS

All I’m going to put in here, because this scene of the brothers arriving to the motel room will be tackled in the 12x20 meta I’ll start working on tomorrow (I hope) (Fuck, it’s midnight.) (Okay.) (Yeah, I won’t finish that this weekend. Grr.) But what I’m going to add in here is Kelly’s attitude to the Winchesters:

Kelly: Sam and Dean, they want to take away his power because they’re scared.

This line of dialogue is delivered as Cas and Kelly have stolen the Impala and revved out of the motel parking lot. In this scene Cas learns that the baby has chosen him. He tries to tell Kelly that he’s not fit to protect her, in dialogue restating for the third time in this episode how useless he thinks he is.

Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again.

But I have been through enough now to know that everyone is just winging it. Some of us quite badly.

I am not someone that you should put your faith in, Kelly.

And Kelly responds with this:

Kelly: I don’t know why it’s me, and I don’t know why it’s you, but I know that we are destined for something here. Something great. Cas: I wish I had your faith. Kelly: You will.

They start out in the same place this episode: faithless. But Kelly, through her son soul surging through her - a power felt even in Heaven - saving her life, now has complete faith, and puts some of it, if not all of it, in Cas being the right choice. She trusts him implicitly. In a sense, she steps in as his spirit guide. She has good cause to trust him, too - even though he’s taking her to Heaven to die: he didn’t kill her in cold blood, he went with the diplomatic route by allowing her to choose. He went with the route of Free Will. 

Cas has always been a representation of what is Good in humanity: love, loyalty, perseverance, selflessness.

Even in his darkest moments, those moments have only come about because of these staple traits to his character. And his inability to involve others in his choices - which is inspired by who again? Oh, yes, that’s right - Dean Winchester’s inability to involve others in his choices, Dean making choices for those he loves, always feeling and always carrying that weight of the world that makes everything and everyone his responsibility. Is it any wonder then, that Cas is forever trying to share in the burden? All he’s ever done since placing his hand on Dean in Hell has been to try and help Dean. But unfortunately, this need has never lead Cas to anything but catastrophe - because he needs to root the need in his own wants and needs, not what he believes Dean wants and needs from him.

So, leaving Destiel (told you there’d be a touch of love in this post) I’ll restate as a short reminder:

Dagon represents Evil Castiel represents Goodness

Let me say it once more time, because it hones into the point I want to make (you know, the one about the goodness of Lucifer’s son): Cas and Dagon are each other’s mirror Opposites in this narrative and it’s so extremely well-written I can barely even stand it. Seriously. I’m like wringing my hands and pulling on my hair over here, my brain crackling like I’m going absolutely mental over it. (I kind of am.)

The Evil one starts out on a power trip believing she is destined to rule all, next to Lucifer, while the Good one starts out feeling lost and powerless. Can you see how they built this narrative into an X? The Evil and the Good meeting in the middle, where Cas gets his hands on Kelly, and Dagon is left being screamed at by her now finally terrifying again - even though he’s still chained up - boss from Hell? And how the narrative again splits as we move towards that final scene and Castiel spreading his proverbial feathered wings? Oh, there is such glory here I now want to cry. (Not really.) (Yeah, kinda really, actually.)

WWCD

Now we come to the root of the matter. We come to that thing that makes me believe, more than anything else in this episode, that this baby is good. 

If the fact that Dagon so clearly represents Evil that will Destroy the Universe and Cas so clearly represents everything that is Opposite to this (i.e. the future) isn’t enough to convince you, then let me tackle Cas’ character development in this laser-focused narrative of one episode. Let me tell you how I have waited, and waited, for Cas to get his comeuppance. Ever since that heartbreaking moment in 11x10 when first his own angelic sister, and then this woman who has bewitched the man he loves, told Cas that he was expendable, what little self-worth he’d gathered over the years, whatever belief in his own capabilities, just drained from him completely.

We all saw it.

It was so goddamn painful to watch, and it has so clearly lingered, like something heavy, ever since Lucifer was exorcised from him in 11x22. (The fact that Dean couldn’t open up in that damned (beautiful) Brologue in 11x23 didn’t help the matter.) 

As for Cas and Dean this season, which has been such an influence on Cas’ character arc - as ever it was - it has been intriguing and exciting to watch the undercurrent of unspoken things between them. There has been such a snappy annoyance there, practically every time they’ve been in the same room together, that it’s been entertaining and gorgeously frustrating at the same time. The UST has been thick enough to cut through with a dull knife, especially on Dean’s part, where Jensen’s body language has just gotten tenser and tenser as the season has progressed. (And then there’s the Rock Star Leather Jacket of Sex moment.) (After Dean serenades Cas on the guitar, of course.) (All look at me, look at me, I’m not just a lumberjack, I’ll sing songs, I’ll sing songs.) (I love this show.) 

Cas has been mostly confounded by it all, mirroring Dean’s annoyance and feeling, more than ever, like he doesn’t belong. Like there’s no place for him anywhere. So that heavy feeling has progressively gotten worse. And when he picked up that angel blade and killed Billie, that choice was riding on the back of walking into that fight with Lucifer, not caring for his own safety in the least. Because this is the thing: Cas sees himself as the hammer. He sees himself as the expendable first wave, clearing the way for the real heroes, because this is his deepest fear pertaining to his character arc: that this is all he is to the brothers and, furthermore, that this is all he is capable of being.

The first half of this season (and most of S11) was heavily focused on this for Cas’ character arc. He has lost all faith in himself after making all those horrendous choices that have gotten angels and humans killed, that has devastated Heaven. Not only has he been labeled expendable, but, especially this season, he’s been called the Winchesters’ purse dog, attack dog - dog, dog, dog. This, I feel, is to demonstrate the role he has assigned himself in their dynamic: the hammer and the shield. It’s a vicious fearful circle because he plays the part afraid that if he doesn’t there is no place for him with the brothers, not seeing that neither brother expects him to play this part. (As demonstrated over and over this season, and finally coming to a head in 12x12 where the brothers, at last, take a stand for him and show him that he is truly one of them. Only... there is still that one thing missing, of course. But I shan’t digress!) 

What this episode does, with such amazingly even beats, is not only remind us of Cas’ past - which is why it’s so wonderfully Destiel heavy, fitting perfectly with Dean’s character arc and furthering their joint love story arc in what is nothing short of writing gold - but this episode also tells us of where Cas is at right now: that soldier of Heaven who blazed into Dean’s life with the confidence, the arrogance, of someone who knows they work for God himself, that soldier left Cas a long time ago.

He’s learned that there is no reason to have faith, because no one is watching over you. You’re on your own. What he needs to be reminded of is that, though this may be true, this means, more than anything, that you should have faith in yourself.

And this is what his character arc has been all about. From the very first. Choosing Free Will does not mean throwing yourself headfirst into impossible situations, it does not mean sacrificing yourself without a thought for the consequences, it does not mean taking all the responsibility on yourself, always. Free Will simply means asking yourself “What do I want?” And Cas has never once done that. Cas needs to find his way into his own individuality, into his own self. As mentioned, he’s been so lost because all he’s ever done is relate himself to Dean and what Dean might need or want from him. This is as stunting as the brothers’ codependency. Cas loves Dean, but Dean cannot be his only reason to feel love, because that will keep Cas from growing as a person. 

So how can Cas grow as a person then? Well, Dean is human and yes, he does represent humanity, but Cas has watched over humanity since long before Dean was born. Cas’ love for humanity itself - his deep awe of his father’s creation is what is now giving Cas - through this baby - a sense of purpose that isn’t tied to Dean. (And still is tied to Dean. I know, this narrative is so deliciously complex.) Cas wants to help. He’s restated that over and over and over again. This is his foremost motivation: to help and to protect. He isn’t a hammer and he isn’t an attack dog. And this is why the baby chose him as its mother’s Protector.

It’s very telling to me how Kelly consistently calls Cas “Castiel”. She never once calls him Cas, which is quite unusual. Even characters that only share one scene with him have reverted, since early on, to calling him Cas rather than Castiel. We’ve had callbacks to Castiel through Ishim and through Kelvin this season, so is there any wonder that, when Dean watches Cas get powered up, all Dean can see is Castiel? And is there any wonder this freaks him the hell out? Nope. Remembering that badass, fucking terrifying, celestial being who was completely unreliable and unpredictable I would say there is no wonder whatsoever.

FULL-FEATHERED ANGEL

That final scene. Oh, that final scene of the episode. 

Here I would say that Cas passes a final test with flying colours when he confronts Dagon - a Prince of Hell - with nothing but an angel blade, stepping in front of Kelly with a “You stay away from her”, echoing the words he spoke in the flash of the future the baby showed Kelly in the motel room. He will fight and he will die if it means protecting the Good Mother from the Bad Mother. The Protector will shield mother and baby from the Captor - who stands for nothing but suffering. The baby, convinced, works through Kelly and restores Cas’ powers so that Cas will be able to protect them to his absolute fullest capabilities.

Cas is Castiel once more.

Sam: What was that? Cas: It was me. But it was also…

This, I believe, is the beginning of “the better way”. I believe the baby sets them all on a course down the better way, towards a series ending that will have everything to do with balance, but I’ll jot my thoughts down on endgames and such in another post. This one is already balking under the word count. ;)

Now, I say “Cas is Castiel” - but what I mean is that, of course, he’s still Cas. Like he even says himself: “It was me.” The difference is that, this time, instead of lacking faith, instead of fearing making the wrong choice, as he has done on so many other occasions when shouldering the weight of the world, he knows now what has to be done, and he knows - because he believes, finally, in himself - that this is the right thing to do. This will bring peace, this will bring balance, this child is innocent and as long as he’s kept from Lucifer he will grow up good. And it will change everything for the better.

This moment - this reward, this win - for Cas’ choices throughout the episode, is what the story arc has been moving towards. He began convinced mother and baby had to die for the greater good, and now he knows that for the good to be great, the baby must live. This, again, reflects Kelly’s journey in that opening scene and their mutual tie to the baby loops around Cas with the theme of parenthood, which has already been explored in his character arc through Claire and his need to make amends for taking Jimmy from her.

This further’s my conviction that, in a season dealing with Good Parents vs Evil Parents, this Good Parent coupling (don’t worry, I don’t mean that in a sexual way, simply a spiritual way) underlines the fact that the baby is not controlling them. It’s clearly influencing them, showing them flashes of what can be if they make the right choices and sure, this could be construed as it lying to them, manipulating them, and that the twist will be that we’re lulled into a sense of security, but the baby turns out to have been evil all along, but it doesn’t fit with the tone of the episode or Cas’ deeply personal and profound character evolution he’s afforded for making the right choice.

There’s also the visual of the white light that is mingling with the hellfire in Cas eyes as he kills Dagon...

...and how the baby used Cas to kill her: the baby wasn’t protecting itself, the baby was always protecting its mother. I’ll restate that the parenthood theme throughout the season has dictated that the Bad, Negligent, Selfish, Evil Parent is dealt with: this type of parenting is inadvisable, to say the least. (And it goes so brilliantly with Dean’s character arc and his need to settle everything with the past in order to move into his brighter future that I can’t even.)

Dagon’s speech to Kelly about how her son was going to be raised by Dagon into killing everything, I believe, sealed Dagon’s fate and helps to underline my point: this child does not want to kill everything. It does not want to kill its mother. There is love in this child already. And why shouldn’t there be? It’s grandfather is God himself, the child has angel grace in it, it’s just as linked to Heaven as it is to Hell, and more than that, of course, it is a product of humanity. 

(And this is why it’s powerful enough to oversee all three and bring order to the chaos of this world, where angels were never meant to walk among humans and where demons are running amok. I don’t think it’s by chance that Dagon refers to the baby as “the god inside you” to Kelly. This child has the power to be the new God - but he would be so with faith in his grandfather’s creation, and an iron fist for those that disobey him.) (I could discuss Chuck’s shortcomings as a father and how that has lead to the creation of this nephilim to begin with, but not here. Nope.)

I want this scenario so badly now that I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s such a glorious loop back to how this all began. With Azazel and Sam, with Dean and the 66 seals, with Lucifer like this dark shadow over both their lives, over the lives of their parents, and Chuck somewhere in the peripheral, the angels always watching, and here we now come upon the final confrontation and it’s all just tying up into a beautiful tapestry of perfection. WRITERS I LOVE YOU. EVEN IF I’M COMPLETELY WRONG, I SHOULD ADD. *shouty*

What about that final moment between Cas and the brothers? What about that final shot of the brothers knocked out and Cas and Kelly driving away? Ominous anyone? Well. No, actually. I take other things from it, because here’s what leads up to it. 

Cas: You’re hurt.

I mean. Do I even really need to comment on this moment? There’s such tenderness here, such sudden intimacy, and I feel it bodes well. Cas has gotten his mojo back and with it he feels more himself than he has in a long time. I believe returning to his angelic form is imperative for Cas to choose to become human, but I’ll explore that in my spec post. Back to the scene...

Because then:

Dean: Cas? Are you okay? Cas: I am. I’ve been so lost. I’m not lost anymore. I know now this baby must be born, with all of his power. Sam: You can’t actually mean that. Cas: Yes, I do. I have faith.

And then:

Cas: You have to just trust me.

And then:

Dean: No, no, no, whatever that thing did to you we’re not gonna let you just walk away.

Especially Dean’s comment is what is important to me here, because not only does he protest three times with those repeated “no”s, but he also calls the child “that thing” and unequivocally hints that the brothers are going to fight to keep Cas there. So Cas knocks them out, because he’s leaving and where he’s going they can’t come with him. Especially if they’re going to refer to the child as a “thing”. Sorry, Dean, lights out for you.

Cas asks the brothers to trust him. Okay, he more or less tells them to, but he does it with an ease about him. As though he expects them to, because he knows he’s trustworthy and because he knows he’s right this time around. Bringing up trust in this moment, to me, is also significant, because Cas is trusting himself for the first time in a long time, and he wants that trust reciprocated. Team Free Will. When they don’t, not only does he make the decision of proceeding alone, he also knocks them out to protect them, to keep them from following, because what’s another glaring detail that hints toward Cas being Cas is that Cas - again underlined as the Opposite of Dagon - does not zap Kelly and him out of there.

Instead, they get in the truck - you know, the truck that Dean fixed with his own bare hands...

...and they drive off.

The mournful tune at the end signals, to me, that FOR FUCK’S SAKE AGAIN YOU GUYS CAN’T JUST GET YOUR HEAD’S OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND WORK TOGETHER IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TEAM FREE WILL! Then again, maybe that’s me projecting my frustration. :)

Either way, I’m not worried now. I believe the team will reassemble in the season finale.

So, in conclusion, these are all the reasons why I believe the baby is Good and that we are headed good places. Through hellfire and death and tons and tons of worry, of course.

Thanks, as ever, for your time and your patience!

#spn meta #spn 12x19 #castiel #kelly kline #lucifer's son #spn #destiel