#for a month she fucking called me Stephanie and would ask my sister to throw me out

[ghost-babygirl]

Another thing about heartbreak high- other than euphoria maybe, I’ve never seen (the different horrific parts) of what it’s like to live with an addict depicted so accurately before Harpers story.

When I tell you I broke down in absolute tears watching that scene of her slip through her door after the car event.. and her starting to cry just hearing her dad being strung out and manic, knowing what’s about to happen cause she realized she went from being around one monster to her biggest fear…. Phew. Hahah hehehe yeahhhh 🥲 sometimes……… the thing that terrifies you the most, to the point where you’re scared n having to resort to violence/self defense…….actually really be living at home with you!

#heartbreak high 2022 #heartbreak high #The way she even tried to be tender cauze she obviously #still loves him but is truly terrified by her own dad…. is so real to me #it makes me physically sick almost #When she was sobbing and he was saying that she was the wolf trying to steal everything and he didn’t know #who the fuck she was reminded me so heavily of the month where #my mother got too high and forgot I was her daughter #like she literally forgot bc she got too high and hit her head so #for a month she fucking called me Stephanie and would ask my sister to throw me out #because she didn’t want me there #also how when my dad got high his violence got even worse and he would literally smash things JUST like hers did #anyways!!!!!! #heartbreak highs writing is a bit too phenomenal!!!!! #and very real!

[amelialincoln]

So Sorry

Her head was pounding, aching maybe? Nope, more like throbbing. She shook her head in frustration as her sutures broke for the fourth time. She ignored a couple of the confused glances from around the OR. Her sutured were always perfect but today her hands wouldn't stop shaking. It was probably due to dehydration and couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten. It had been back to back traumas all day, every specialty was swamped but neuro had gotten it worst. Owen wasn’t working today which made matters worse. She’d heard the nurses gossiping about him getting a call about a possible lead on his sister. Her heart had swelled a bit at that. She wished she could be there for him but was reminded that being Owen’s therapist wasn’t her job anymore. It was Teddy’s now. Something she might feel jealous about if she wasn’t so happy with Link. They’d planned to get married a year ago but realized some fancy ceremony seemed dumb. They loved each other and that seemed to matter more than anything else.

"Everything okay, Doctor Shepherd?" Deluca asked from beside her. She missed Stephanie, Deluca’s polietness was starting to piss her off.

“Everything's perfect, why?" She squinted into the brain cavity, her eyesight was starting to blur ans she realized how badly she needed a nap.

"No reason." Deluca shook his head. "I can close if you want."

On a normal day Amelia might snap at her him for pointing out her incompetence of a simple skill she'd preformed hundreds of times, instead she just sighed. "Sure, page me when your finished, I'd like to follow up." She handed her instruments to the resident. "Watch the lep–"

"Leptin receptor, I know," He assured her. "Get out of here." Amelia nodded, thanking the scrub nurses beside her, she quickly fled the room. Dizzy didn't even begin to cover how she was feeling as she began to scrub out. Everything was spinning. She waited for a moment of relief, gripping to the edge of the sink.

"Amelia?" She didn't have to look up to recognize her boyfriend's voice.

She took a deep breath, splashing her face with cold water and turned to meet his gaze. "Hey. You all finished for the day?”

"You don't look well," he observed, ignoring her question.

Amelia shook her head as another wave of nausea rolled over her. Her hand flew to her mouth to prevent her from throwing up onto his scrub top. "I don't want to get you sick.” Link held out an arm for her to steady herself and watched the dizziness pass before pulling her into his chest. Normally his cologne would calm her but today she couldn’t help but wince at the strength of it.

"I'll take you home," he assured her, removing her scrub cap and running his hands through her hair to remove the tight braid.

"No," she paused, shutting her eyes tight, "you're busy, I'll be fine."

He took a minute to survey her before placing a hand on her sweaty brow. “You're hot, do you feel feverish?"

"Not particularly, just nauseous."

"You've been spending too much time with Zola at daycare. That place is covered in germs. You probably caught a flu bug." She nodded before suddenly pulling away from him. Her entire body heaved as she threw up in the scrub sink. “The nurses are gonna love that.”

“I just wanna go home,” she mumbled weakly.

"Okay," he promised, "let’s go get your things and I'll take you home."

"It's rush hour, we could be here for awhile," Link muttered, slowing the car down to a stop behind the car in front of them. Amelia peered over the dashboard, a large line of cars blocked her view.

“Ugh,” a groan escaped her mouth as she noticed the traffic blocking her view.

"We're almost home. Another twenty minutes with the traffic." Link tried to sound optimistic as he glanced over at his girlfriend, curled up in her seat with her head leaning on the car door. "Please don't throw up in the car."

"Thanks I'll keep it in mind," she snapped.

"I told you that daycare is full of germs. You're in there almost twice everyday,” he tried to dismiss her anger, knowing she’d been up all night.

"I like how you're making visiting my nieces and nephew seem like a bad thing."

"There's a flu bug going around, you can always visit them at home," Link argued.

"If I have a break I'd rather make use of it then talk to stupid interns for half an hour!" She yelled, pressing her index fingers to her temples.

"Why are you so stubborn?!" He finally huffed, slamming his hands on the wheel of the car.

"Why do you always have to act so freakin righteous? She cried. Link pressed his lips together, gritting his teeth. Traffic has always agitated him as it does Amelia. They weren’t the most patient people.

"All I'm saying is–"

"Can we just not fight right now?" She interrupted. "I'm just really tired."

"Alright,” he tried to soften his voice.

"Good," she answered, cupping her forehead in one hand and squeezing her eyes shut. He felt slightly guilty for adding to her headache. They’d been at a stall for ten minutes when Amelia began to squirm again. Her index fingers roughly massaged her temples and she jumped as Link placed a soft palm on her forehead.

"Hey, hey," he muttered as she relaxed. "Your forehead is still hot, are you sure you're ok?"

"I told you, I'm fine," she mumbled, staring out the window.

"Amelia..." hot red tears rolled down her face and she wiped them away with frustration.

"I said I was fine," she tried to sound irritated but it came out a lot weaker. What she looked like was frail and unhealthy. Something Link had been noticing more frequently about her appearance, always tired, always shaky. She'd lost weight for sure but she keeps telling him that she’s just been swamped with work. He went to caress her side but quickly pulled away in horror as she yelped in pain.

“Okay, what the fuck is going on,” he was surprised by the anger in his own voice. Their relationship was built on trust which was something Link was grateful for every day. Lately he couldn’t shake the fact that she was lying to him.

"Stop yelling at me!" She cried, tears streaming down her face.

"Tell me what's going–"

"I thought I was pregnant!" She blurted out finally. Link’s voice went silent.

"What?"

"We've been t-trying for months and n-nothing was happening," she stumbled over her words as he stares at her in shock. "I was getting nauseas, I-I had this terrible back pain and I was tired all the time." She looked to Link for any flicker of emotion but his face had gone stone cold. "I didn't have time to go get a test at the store and I was so excited," her voice was starting to break, "I went to see Carina and I asked her to run some tests."

Link drew in a shaky breath, trying to hold back any flicker of excitement that might be showing up on his easily readable face. "Okay..."

"But they all came back negative. Carina was as confused as I was. We didn't know what to do except run some more tests. I had an ultrasound done, still nothing. And then I started bleeding and everything started to make sense."

"Bleeding?" Did you have a miscarriage?” He reached for her hand as he forced his own feelings down. Why hadn’t she told him? That was something they should’ve gone through together.

"I went to the bathroom and there was blood," she replied, she took in shaky breaths.

"Okay," Link waited for her to tell him, his heart thumping in his chest. He was almost a father.

"Carina was worried about the same thing as me, considering my family history, so we got a couple scans. They were positive.”

"For..." Link urged her to finish.

"For ovarian cancer. I didn’t want to tell you because initially we thought it was okay. With your history and everything I didn’t want to scare you but it's spreading really quickly. Carina said it could be in my bladder by next week and then possibly my liver. The tumor is located right beside a major bloodstream so it's just shipping cancer cells all over the place." She smiled through her tears, the classic Shepherd appreciation for tumors was written all over her face. "it’s pretty perfect, it’s margins are–"

“Stop,” he suddenly felt like it was him who was going to throw up. The car jolted a little too hard as he pressed in the brakes and stared into her eyes in disbelief. “Are you kidding.” She shook her head, not able to read any of the million scenerios that were running through his mind.

"I had my first round of chemo today.”

"Why the hell are you working?"

"It’s a distraction, I just–”

"And you didn't think that my opinion, being practically your husband, would matter?" He had never been much of a crier but he found himself biting back a sob. “You don’t think that the one who is directly impacted by your wellbeing would want to have a say in any of this?”

“I didn’t want to worry you. I’m trying to figure things out. I didn’t want to drop a major bomb on you without being sure of my prognosis.”

"So your telling me that if I was your position you would've preferred me not to tell you if I was dying?" He glared at her through blurry eyes.

"I didn't say that!" She protested, curling her hands into fists.

“I trusted you to tell me everything. You’ve made me promise you to keep you updated on my cancer shit but you can bother to do the same yourself? This is a joke.” He knew he was projected his issues on her and he hated himself for it.

“I thought I was doing what was best for us,” she tried to explain, running her hands through her hair in frustration. Link stopped, staring into her palms. His hands began to shake on the wheel and his knuckles went white in an attempt to squeeze his hands hard enough to stop the shaking. Amelia glanced down at the hair caught between her fingers and let out a tiny whimper as the couple pulled into the driveway. He wanted to wrap her up in his arms, tell her it was all going to be okay. The idea of watching her go through what he had made him want to run in the other direction. The idea of her hurting was too much for him to bare. He looked at her pale expression, knowing exactly how she was feeling and recounting on all the times he’d prayed to god that her nor their children wouldn’t have too. Children were most likely out of the question at this point though he didn't care as long as she made it. Was this really their reality now? If she made it? He leant over to kiss her, hoping it would suppress his thoughts and prayed that he’d be able to kiss her for the rest of his life. 

an anon requested that Link and Amelia be together rather than Owen and Amelia during her cancer situation. sorry its sad but what were u expecting lol. 

#amelink #amelia shepherd #amelink fanfiction #amelinkfanfic #amelink fanfic #Atticus Lincoln #atticus link #greysanatomy

[klariwitch]

You’ll Love Me Again

No one ever really mentioned all the symptoms that comes with heartbreak. For one, your heart quite literally hurt. It burned. Not in the sorts that felt like heart burn, but more so like it was falling. The feeling of weightlessness. Yet, at the same time you felt as heavy as can be. From there its just full on misery. Y’know how people will say they feel like they just got hit by a truck? Yeah. Yeah its that.

“I’m uh, how do i put this without you going all vigilante mode on me? I’m into your sister,” Kon was grinning stupidly now.

Oh!

oh.

Tim felt his heart sink and then the nausea began to settle in.

“My? My what?” Tim shook his head in disbelief. Kon didn’t like him. He liked-

“Cass. Kon likes Cass, Steph,”

“Yknow when I see him next, you best believe I’m bringing that kryptonite ring, I’m gonna-“

“I feel sick to my fucking stomach,” the Robin sobbed over the phone. 

read the rest on ao3

The answering voice sighed. She still felt the shock of Tim crying on the phone with her, about a boy of all things. And, although the she wanted to slap the living shit out of the both of them, she also knew it was best to be calm and to let him cry on. “I know, I feel you Timmy, been there, done that,” she gave the phone a sad smile.

“I can’t even comprehend how that’s a thing. Seriously, Steph, how?!” His eyes seemed to bulge, one step closer to completely freaking out. He laid back on his bed, the phone still close to pressing against his ear, and salted tears running down his reddened cheeks.

He was a bat. A detective. Trained by old comics and the world’s greatest himself, batman. So, how on earth was he feeling so sunk by all these emotions? Why so much all this once? How was he to cry over the phone to Stephanie Brown over not just a boy, but the superboy. And, not just because he didn’t like him back—no, that wasn’t even able to be gotten out—but because he planned to ask out Tim’s own sister.

“Could my life really get anymore amusing, Steph? This is fucking humiliating,”

“Tim, I’m seriously so sorry this just all around sucks. Were you really planning on telling him, though?” The voice questioned over the device.

“Yes,” the boy cringed, “ I had a whole speech planned out to tell him tonight. Talk about bad timing,” his breath slowed. Without all the tears now, he felt tired. So completely drained for ever believing his best friend would ever see him much more than just that. Best friends.

“Why don’t you just spend some time away from him? Not exactly to cut off all contact, but more so just hanging out less? Maybe start making up excuses like Bruce needs you working on a case more, or that your parents have been home?” She suggested.

Actually, it wasn’t the worst idea, either. Kon would be okay with him being busy, and in the meantime he would take that step back and convince himself Kon wasn’t really the one.

“You’re right,”

“I am, aren’t I? Y’know it actually feels really nice to hear you say that for once, maybe just once more?” The girl pressed playfully.

He scoffed. “Yeah wouldn’t you like that?” The Robins teased one another, after all she could always make him feel better. “Alright, I think I have to call it a night. I’m gonna go throw up and then to bed.” He wasn’t lying, either. For whatever reason after speaking to Conner his head hurt like hell and his stomach carried what felt like a flu virus.

“Goodnight, Tim,”

“Night, Steph,”

               *****

“Well,”

“Well?”

“It’s been about a month,”

“Tim,”

“I think I’m actually okay this time. I don’t feel so achey around him anymore! I told you we met up after patrol tonight!” The boy exclaimed over the line, a smile captured on his lips.

“Okay, so, it went alright, then?” Steph asked. She cringed a bit. No way his feelings where just poof gone.

“Steph, it went great,” assured Tim. “I think we plan on doing the same thing tomorrow...it just nice to have my best friend back, yknow?”

“Tim, it’s really okay if you still need time, you know that, right?”

“Steph. I promise. I’m okay, my feelings for Kon are completely gone,”

*****

“You’re here on time” the boy in front of him called. A small chuckle arose, “did bats let you off early?”

“Yes, actually, how’d you know?” Tim smiled. He sat down right beside him on the edge of the rooftop. Ironically, sitting on top of a fifteen story building, next to a superhuman somehow managed to be the spot he always felt the safest. He assumed, it was all about the trust. All about a matter of not having to worry that Kon might decide to push him overboard unexpectedly, or even if the building suddenly gave out. The only fault there was, why did he still have that trust for him? Admittedly, Kon had never exactly tried to send him soaring off a rooftop, but wasn’t heart break a close equivalent?

“Tim?” The familiar hand waved in his face. Tim carefully swatted it away.

“What?”

“I asked you how your day was?”

“Oh,” Tim nodded. He even looked down as if his fingers might curate him the perfect move. Spoiler alert: they did not. “It was…well, I mean kind of slow? Patrol and all that,” the last bit came out as a mutter. Why was he there, again? Honestly, he couldn’t even look at him now. He had thought he was fine, really he did, but what exactly did fine mean? Ignorance, in this case.

The only problem was, he just couldn’t let go. In movies and literature it was always so much easier, because it just always works out for them. They have a promised happy ending. For Tim, none of that was a guarantee.

It was like..insurance. insurance that he did not have. Because, even when the character didn’t end up with their love, they still found something great—like a new person or happiness. And now, all happiness was looking like without Kon was a cold bottle of chardonnay stolen from his mother’s wine cabinet.

“Are you okay?” Kon asked then. His face carried worry and all kinds of fear.

Shit

shit

‘Don’t make me lie to you’ The shorter boy thought. He didn’t want to, it honestly wasn’t something he could find the energy for anymore. “I, uh,” he felt his phone vibrate under his thigh. He didn’t answer it, it would only be Steph wanting to know what was happening.

“What is it, Rob? Spit it out,” the meta pushed, a cheerful smile forming his face.

“I…don’t think I can?” Answered Tim.

“Huh, well, why not? Its okay, you know you can tell me anything, right?”

The raven haired boy just stared at him, mouth split open stupidly. “Right! Right. Yes, I know that,” he nodded.

“So?”

“Right…” he bit his lip till blood arose and the feeling of confidence came beside it. “Could I, show you, instead?” He requested.

“Sure? I mean, yeah. Of course you can, anything that helps,” Kon nodded willingly.  

Was he really going to do that? Where was some sort of memory wiper when you needed it? He’d do anything to redo the last ten minutes.

He sighed. Was he really about to do this? In all fairness, he had been wanting to for some time. Okay, he’d do it. Okay. Maybe not? “Y’know what?” Tim turned. they were closer than he had thought they were. No going back now, right? He laughed sickly, “fuck it.” Evenly, his face melted to a smile as he leaned him, pressing his lips ever so gently against Kon’s.

He couldn’t believe it. He was kissing Kon. His best friend. The boy who unknowingly broke his heart just months ago. This was...unbelievable. It always seemed like it was so incredibly out of reach and get here he was now, kissing him. Did that mean Kon really did like-

“Woah,” and just like that he was pushed away. He’d have to fight through the tears at an arms length distance now. “Hey, sorry, Tim I’m flattered, really, it’s just-“

“Okay, look, I probably should have waited, I just, I don’t know? Ever since you were talking about Cass I just couldn’t get you off my mind, and that’s why I stayed away for so long. Look, most people can just watch, too Kon. Most can just love from afar and wait. Im sorry, but I can’t do that. Im not that person, okay? I’m selfish. So selfish. I hate that I am and i’m sorry, but I can’t just watch, okay? I can’t,” Tim heaved a breath. He wanted to get it all out so bad and now he had spoiled the vibe. “Im sorry to burst your perfect little bubble, I just fucking can’t. Now I see it was a mistake too, because i thought you liked me back. I really did,” his lip bled. Biting too hard again? “You just don’t get it, okay? We’re supposed to be together. Everyone thinks so. We’re best friends, Kon. We’re the beautiful love story. Look, I’ve been telling myself that forever, and you’re just supposed to feel the same,” he shrugged. Just as if it was no big deal.

Kon groaned. He considered for a moment to grab ok to his hands but for obvious reasons that wasn’t exactly appropriate. “Tim. Hey, you don’t have to apologize. Im glad you told me. To be honest, I kind of like you too,”

“Wait, really?” Tim smiled, searching the meta’s face for any truth.

“What? Are you even listening to me? Tim, I’m sorry but I can’t be apart of your little fantasy..” It was clear it pained his friend to say al this. “We’re not some sort of destined couple or whatever you think we are. It just doesn’t work that way, okay?”

Oh. So, not as he expected.

Right

“Well, why not?” The Robin urged, hurt growing in his blue eyes.

“I’m dating Cass,” breathed Kon. “Look, we were going to tell you tomorrow but then all of this happened...I’m sorry, I should have told you,”

Ouch. Fuck. Again?

“Right,” was all he could mutter. “I’m uh. I’m sorry, Kon,” he had to leave. Had to get out of there fire his eyelids broke like dams and he had to muffle his own screams. “I think I’m going to head out, actually..goodnight, Kon,” Tim sighed. He walked off then, taking deep breaths to help ignore the boy calling his name behind him. He could catch him if he wanted to. Easily. Obviously he didn’t want to. Kon loved Cass...not Tim.

****

“I kissed him,”

“You what?!” The voice over the phone sounded livid.

“Yeah, yeah I know stupid, right?” Tim sighed. He sat on his bed, holding a chilled glass of chardonnay, just as he had promised himself.

“Im guessing it didn’t go so well?”

He could hear her cringe over the phone. Tim didn’t respond. Instead, he simply sipped his drink: dry. This one was eruopean as were most of the others, rolled in oak barrels and some sort of fruit. It was like drinking Kon’s scent. Whatever cheap cologne he decided to douce himself in every morning some how crawled its way into his head to torture him. He set the glass down.

“Im sorry, Tim, you really-”

“Its okay, Steph, really,” insisted Tim, having cut her off.

“Is it?” The girl asked genuinely.

“Yes. I’ve decided I cannot change it, so yes, its fine,”

“Wow. Okay. Thats, that’s actually very mature of you,”

The robin nodded, although obviously not visible.

“Goodnight, Steph,” he called into the phone.

“Goodnight, Tim,” she huffed back, right before leaving him in inconsiderable silence.

The boy picked up the wine glass again. He stared deeply into the few bubbled and cringed with the inhale of smoke and aged French oak.

“You’re really messing with my mind, huh, Conner Kent?”

Tim glanced around. His room was gloomy. sad. Dimmed. He wished for Kon to come light it up a bit, yet he didn’t. They’d be apart for now, but he’d turn around eventually. He would get his fantasy.

#timkon #kon el #Tim Drake #kontim #Stephanie Brown #cassandra cain #Red Robin #Superboy #timkon ao3 feed #dunneltag879 #ao3 #timkon ao3

[chcfasher]

okay i am so excited to get to plotting & interacting with all u cuties ! bare with me though , im also trying to study for a quiz i gotta take later tonight . anyways , i’m mia aka your resident masshole reporting for duty . i’m 20 years old ... will be 21 in june ( fingers crossed my Sad ass will be out of q*arentine by then ) . i go by she / her / dumb bitch pronouns & am very much so done talking about myself already . so lets get to my boy asher here who is ... how do you say ? a asshole ? a dirt bag ? a soft baby boi ? if you wanna plot & discord is easier for you shoot me a mssg @ 𝖒𝖌𝖐'𝖘 𝖜𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖊#9789 . lets goooo 💛

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒

full name: asher james bennett nickname: ash , aj birthday: march 25 , 1996 zodiac: aries hometown: madison , wisconsin ( click here to see his parents house / childhood home ) current residence: los angeles , california ( although he lives in the villa with everyone , before the year away he lived on his own & still owns the home , both because he loves the place and because it gives his family somewhere to go when they come out click here to see his house ) vehicle: 2017 jeep wrangler rubicon in black ( click here ) , 2019 maserati granturismo in red ( click here ) gender: cismale orientation: heterosexual , heteromantic relationship status: single ( it’s complicated ) family: tamara marie bennett-abbott ( mother ) , harrison charles bennett ( father , deceased ) , mason billings abbott ( stepfather ) , bradford sawyer abbott ( brother ) , stephanie anne bennett ( sister )  education: vocational highschool graduating from the culinary program , graduated ucla with a bachelor in management with a minor in food studies occupation: celebrity chef , tv personality  net worth: 19.7m height: 5′11″ weight: 161lbs tattoos: left arm ( x , x ) , right arm ( x , x  , plus the butterfly tattoo jack has ) , right hand ( x ) , right thigh ( x ) , left leg ( x ) criminal record: arrested ( x6 ) - simple assault ( x2 ) , assault and battery ( x1 ) ,  disorderly conduct ( x2 ) , criminal mischief ( x1 ) , criminal trespassing ( x2 ) , minor in possession of alcohol ( x2 ) , drug possession ( x1 ) drugs / alochol / smoking: yes , mostly marijuana though / yes / no moral alignment: chaotic neutral hogwarts house: slytherin theme song: righteous by juice wrld (  a look at his mental health and the way it he attempts to cope ) & i am by james arthur ( deep dives into his view on himself and how outside opinions of him have effected the way he sees himself ) & empty space by james arthur ( instead of being about a girl this really encapsulates how the loss of his father has affected his life ) traits: charismatic , well-intentioned , affectionate , loyal , jocular , reckless , immature , flippant , short-tempered label: politicians son , miscreant , fuck boy , broken bird , mr. misunderstood , mama’s boy , epicure hidden talents: drawing , singing , master at rubiks cube , skilled card counter ( blackjack )

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃

asher was born just eleven months after his sister stephanie , to at the time lobbyist harrison bennett &  prosecutor tamara bennett . a menace as a child , he made dennis the menace look like a saint , basically . at first his parents hoped this was simply just a phase but as time went on it became very clear that  if it were a phase it was going on for much longer than his parents had hoped . his sister immediately taking on the spot of prodigal daughter , while asher took on the spot of black sheep of the family . this didn’t mean that his parents didn’t absolutely adore both of their children , because they did . both taking on daddy’s little girl & mama’s boy respectively , early on . 

around the time asher was seven both of his parents were up for office , his mother for district attorney & his father for u.s representative from wisconsin . the influx of cameras / eyes on the bennett family mixed with the level of stress both his parents were under completely put asher off from the world of politics . despite being in a family that had generational ties to politics on both sides . during a family appearance asher was captured on camera ( both video & photo ) putting up a piece sign behind his sisters head during a speech his father was giving . 

[ tw: death , suicide , loss of a parent ] when asher was twelve his father went on a boating trip with friend , call it a boys trip if you will . two days into the trip news broke of his father being in a major boating accident where harrison was the only one on the boat & was dead upon being found . it later was confirmed by the coroner that his death was likely a suicide .  the loss of harrison was hard on the entire family , it was easy to say it affected asher heavily having locked himself away in his bedroom for nearly a week only leaving his room to go to the bathroom & grab food that he’d return to his room to eat . later , when he returned to school he was suspended just in that school year three times . it was genuinely the beginning to the incredibly reckless version of asher , that we seen since .

despite his antics he played varsity football as a cornerback & varsity soccer as a midfielder . taking up sports at an early age , it was clear he was a born athlete who genuinely enjoyed a little competition . he also took an interest in culinary , he was very much so that kid standing on a step stool as he helped his parents in the kitchen . this interest turned into him attending a vocational / trade highschool instead of an ordinary public school , like he had in elementary & middle . 

when he was fifteen he started a youtube channel where he posted cook with me videos weekly & vlogged his experience within the culinary program at school .

during highschool his mom started getting serious with a professor at the local university . asher , of course , hated the idea of his mom replacing his dad and it took nearly two years & an engagement for him to actually sit down & listen to his mom about the situation . it wasn’t until then that he realized , mason , was supposed to replace his father ... it was simply his mom not allowing herself to get stuck in one place in life & fall into a spiral . once he actually heard her side he gave the guy a chance . turns out the two have alot in common & get along very well . he’ll never replace his father but he respects him none the less .

before he’d even graduated highschool , asher amassed over 1m subscribers , made appearances on the ellen degeneres show & rachel ray show . this was around the time he realized he wanted to turn his hobby into something more than that & hell he was good enough to do so . when graduation came , he’d already committed to attending ucla as a business major with a minor in food studies . 

soon after graduation he went on the show master chef , finishing as runner up , which was one hell of a feat given he’d been the youngest chef on the show . he enjoyed the experience & recognition the show gave him . 

while at ucla he continued to play football he was so good he was receiving national attention to the point where nfl scouts were looking at him . obviously he was still too young to go into the draft but they let him know , this was something that was more than on the table . it was definitely something he loved hearing but at the end of the day , the nfl was never really the goal for asher . so toward the end of his sophomore season when he was suspended for the rest of the season for getting arrested & charged with drug possession & criminal trespassing he took that as the excuse not to return the sport the following season .

this was not the first time ( we know it was not the last *wink wonk* ) asher was arrested . from the end of his middle school days throughout highschool he’d racked up four arrests . his first one taking place in eighth grade & the only reason the misdemeanor charges actually went through were because his mom asked for them to in hopes that it would scare asher from acting out in such a fashion ever again . unfortunately , his actions were rooted in much more than teen rebellion having never accepting or being able to cope with his father’s passing . the charges & arrests that would follow his mom was able to cover up & kind of bury them . that way word didn’t spread like wildfire about her reckless son .

not even a full year removed from football & he’d accepted a tv show offer from food network . a show called asher’s kitchen a primetime half-hour show where a new chef would come on each week if they beat asher in making a 3-course meal they win bragging rights & $20,000 , if they don’t they go home empty handed . despite the shows constant high ratings asher grew bored of the show & left after only two seasons . the network tried to replace him but quickly learned asher’s personality was what really carried the show .

in 2018 , he went on to open his first ever restaurant the smoking goat an american bistro with an upscale vibe in the heart of los angeles . the place is literally his baby & if you can’t find him you can bet your bottom dollar you’ll find him there . whether it’s catching up with regulars or big name celebrities coming through the doors , or throwing on a chef coat and cooking up some of his very own specials . 

around the time of his restaurant opening he started to let up on the youtube channel & it’s now been nearly two years since he’s uploaded & honestly has no intent on returning to the platform . in asher’s eyes , everything has a term limit & his youtube channels time was up .

𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟗 / 𝐑𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐎 𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄

the timing of his amsterdam arrest was to say the least , horrific . not only was he in talks with several networks ( fox , cbs , netflix , etc ) to have his own daytime food-focused talk show but his mother was at the beginning stages of her 2020 presidential campaign , which she had since put a halt to and decided to continue on with her tenure as a u.s senator from wisconsin . with the headlines of his arrest spreading like wildfire , the internet resurfaced many of his earlier transgressions , the networks inevitably put a halt to going any further in negotiation & the political realm began to turn their attention to the kind of parent the senator was to have a son so ... out of control ? her opposition questioning how she could run a country if she couldn’t so much as raise a law abiding son .

upon his release from jail he took a jet straight home to wisconsin . with the realization of how much harm he’d done to the bennett reputation he made the personal promise to stay away from the media ( no social media , no tv , nothing ) & be the son the political world expected from a politician . his mother ( who is emulated mostly after laura baker from all american ) nearly begged him not to halt his life as a way of personal punishment for his actions . but after months back home & away from the limelight , asher could see the tides turning back in his moms favor & no big network offer ( and there were quite a few that came his way after the news of his arrest subsided ) could pull him back out into the forefront . 

instead opening his second restaurant bennett’s  , an upscale bar & grill in the capital city of wisconsin . he also began work on a cook book that’s kind of taken on a life of it’s own but he’s yet to be anywhere close to finishing that . 

he has inevitably decided to come back & reunite with the bling ring a year later after his family sat him down & kind of had an intervention with him over his persistence to punish himself . claiming they feel he’s matured & gotten a good grasp on himself & that they don’t think he’ll fall into his bad behaviors again . ( spoiler alert: they’re going to be very wrong about this ... just saying / he’s going to return with the intent of being a better guy , being on the “ right track “ but lets be real it’s going to quickly spiral out of control as per usual ) . 

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

as you can probably tell this boy is no good . he’s the guy your parents warn you about , i swear , he will get you into so much trouble & bask in the glory of being the one to give you such an adrenaline rush . he’s big on being here for a good time & not a long time . he just wants to have fun , at any cost . he’s extremely goofy , the kind of guy to whip out some mediocre wrestling moves on you for the sake of getting attention . he doesn’t take much seriously ... until he does ? what im saying is homeboy has one hell of a short temper and once he’s flipped his fuse , he basically blacks out . the reason for this is because no matter how happy & full of life he’d like to come off he has this deep well of anger that swells in him ever since he lost his dad . also a topic that can get him clenching his jaw , do not under any circumstances bring up harrison bennett . very much so a mama’s boy , though , catch him facetiming his mom once a day to tell her how much he loves her & see how she’s doing . he can come off very uncaring at times , it’s easy to say he’s probably one of the most misunderstood people around . he comes off like a douchebag , like someone who has little regard for others & don’t get me wrong he often is both of those things but he isn’t heartless ? when he has time to sit back and think about the damage he does ... it hits him like a mack truck & he goes into a pretty dark place of feeling like he’s a villain but he wants to be the hero of the story ? not very big on apologizing , verbally . if he says sorry you can bet a smug grin is following behind the words . instead he’s big on buying things & even cooking to show he’s sorry . probably not the best way to go about things but this is asher we’re talking about here . he is a flirt & will fuck anything . that’s all i have to say about that . onto his friends ? whew are his friends his world . he is a big proponent of bros before hoes & is an extremely loyal guy - to his friends . a true ride or die type a guy , he’d help he hide a dead body without any explanation at so what happened . a big move now ask questions later kinda dude .

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

BREATHE BY JAMES ARTHUR : he has a soft spot for her . he always has . she’s one of the only girls who doesn’t drool over him , they’ve never hooked up to any extent and that’s due in large part to her telling him from the beginning that the only way she’d give him a chance was if he straightened up his act & proved to her that he was worth her time . if there is a girl out there who can asher for the better , it’s her . but everytime she thinks she’s gotten him on the right path , she catches him either acting out or reverting to his fuck boy ways & getting with girl’s who he doesn’t have to put so much work into .

SAME SQUAD BY P-LO : let’s be real these three originated “saturdays are for the boys” . they’ve been boys for as long as they can remember . if you see one of them around you can rest assured the other two are in the vicinity . they’re the best of friends . they know everything there is to know about each other . all a bit reckless , but that’s what makes them such a fun trio . a very homiesexual bond takes place between these three & nothing & nobody could get between them .

CLOSE FRIENDS BY LIL BABY & GUNNA : they were once good friends , things spiraled past the point of their control , lines got blurred & then they were dating . the relationship as a whole was one no one thought would last . to give them credit things were good at first but after he cheated & she found out from a friend about it things started to go down hill . things only got worse when he was persistent in lying to her about the situation . she inevitably took him back & not too much later the arrest in amsterdam happened . before he was even released from jail , she was sent a video of him & one of his friends talking about sleeping with a prostitute . although it never happened the fact that was his intent was enough for her . his expectation was that because she forgave him before she’d wipe away the pain of him once again not having regard for their relationship & forgive him but she just couldn’t . when he came out to her forwarding the video to him , he decided to ignore the situation completely . the two have not had any contact for nearly a year & never really broke up or spoke about the situation . 

NO FRAUDS BY NICKI MINAJ & DRAKE & LIL WAYNE : the perfect ride or die squad . the media likes to say someone in the trio is dating at any point in time but , that’s just not the case . these three are always getting into something . the true depiction of always having your friends back . they will lie for each other , fight for each other , anything to prove their loyalty to each other .  

i also have some musing posts here , if you want to give that a look !

#𝓲. ‹ 🍾 › 𝓪𝓼𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓫𝓮𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓽𝓽 ◟ INTRO . #bling:intro

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. If you found a baby turtle on the side of the road, would you pick it up and keep it? No. 2. Did you and your mum ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? Nooo. 3. Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? Yeah, a few times. 4. Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better? It’s only 3 in the morning. We’ll see. I have a doctor appointment this morning; though, so it’s not going to start off great. 5. Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend? Nope.

6. How about you, do you have a bf/gf? No. 7. Could you date someone very attractive, but who thought they were better than everyone else? Absolutely not. I wouldn’t give a shit how attractive they were if they were like that.  8. So do you have a best friend? Yes. 9. What would you do if your best friend kissed the last person you kissed? My mom would never do that. 10. Do you dislike anyone? No one I know. 11. Did you message your best friend today? No. I’ll see her later on, we live together. 12. Do you think you will be in a relationship two months from now? Nope. 13. Do you always feel like you’re making mistakes? Always. 14. How do you feel about your hair right now? I love the color since I just got it done a few weeks ago and it looks healthier since I got it trimmed, but still I hate that I don’t do anything with it besides throw it up in a pony tail. I’ve never been good at styling my hair, it never comes out good. I have long hair, it would be nice to actually do something with it. 15. Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? Well, I’m sure there’s people with “Stephanie” tattooed on them, but not anyone I know. 16. Who did you last see shirtless? An actor on TV. 17. How would you feel if you got the person you liked? I don’t like anyone in that way. 18. Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months without cheating? Yes. 19. Do you like to make the first move? Noooo. 20. Do you think you will ever be married? No. 21. Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? I’m a big disappointment to myself and everyone else I feel like. 22. Is it possible to be single and happy? Yeah. I mean, I’m single and unhappy, but it’s not because I’m single. 23. Was the first person you talked to today male or female? It’ll be male (my brother). 24. Do you remember who you liked on New Year’s? No one. 25. Are you a morning person or a night person? I’m barely a person. 26. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? I’ve gone 7 years so far and have no desire for it. 27. Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? I’ve always felt that way. 28. Is there anyone who likes you? Not in the romantic sense. 29. If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad? Ha, no. They wouldn’t give a single fuck. 30. Do you understand football? I get there’s touchdowns... that’s about it. ha. 31. What’s the first thing you heard this morning? It’ll be alarm. D: 32. Who last called you beautiful? My hair stylist did after she finished with my hair.  33. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No. 34. How many kids do you want when you get older? Zero. 35. Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every week? Uh, no. I’ve been single for 7 years and haven’t even talked to anyone in that way in 4. 36. Ever been called a jerk/bitch? Yes, playfully. 37. Do you have feelings for anyone? Not romantic ones. 38. If you fell pregnant to the last person you kissed, what would you think? “Fell pregnant.” I’m a virgin and can’t have kids anyway, so. 39. What’s your full name? Stephanie is all you need to know. 40. Are you young or old? I’m old. 41. What’s the gender? I’m a female. 42. How’s your heart been lately? Physically, it’s fine.  43. Why aren’t you in bed? I am. 44. Did you do laundry today? No. 45. What kind of computer do you have? A MacBook Air. 46. Are there always other fish in the sea? So they say. 47. What can your tongue do? I can’t curl it or make a clover or anything. 48. What do you think your mum does when she goes out? My poor mom doesn’t do much outside of work, taking care of my family, especially me, and caring for a family friend. She hardly gets any time for herself.  49. Do chickens have feelings? Yes. 50. Do you think the body is the most beautiful thing that was ever made? We’re made in God’s image. I need to learn to love myself and my body, though, cause I definitely don’t. 51. So how are you feeling today? Blah. 52. Where is your sister right now? I don't have a sister. 53. Name five things you did today? So far just YouTube and surveys. 54. What kind of phone do you have? An iPhone XR. 55. What are you listening to? An ASMR video. 56. What do you smell like? Like me. 57. What colour are your eyes? Brown. 58. Have you ever done a Chinese fire drill? No. 59. Do you know someone named Betsy? No. 60. What colour is your mum’s hair? Black. 61. Do you have a dog? Breed? Name? Yes, a 3 year old German Shepherd/Lab mix named Princess Leia. <3 62. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? Yeah. A lot of Barney songs, especially. 63. Are you married? Nopeee. I’m very single. 64. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? Last night.  65. Do you play an instrument? I played some piano back in the day. I regret not keeping up with it, though. I wish I took it more seriously. 66. Do you like fire? I like bonfires or fire in the fireplace. I love that autumn fire smell. However, you’ll never catch me lighting a fire. Not even a candle. I’m a big scardy cat. 67. Are you allergic to anything? Tangerines. 68. Have you ever been to a spa? Nope. 69. Do you miss someone? Always. 70. Views on premarital sex? I’m just waiting to be in a loving committed relationship. Someone I’m very comfortable with. He’ll have to be someone very patient and understanding. 71. What is a noise that you cannot stand? Eating sounds--slurping, smacking, sucking... I CAN’T. 72. Do you know how to do a cartwheel? I can’t do that. 73. What is the most you are willing to spend on a pair of sunglasses? I don’t wear sunglasses as someone who has to wear glasses because I’m basically blind without them. I’ve had the transitional glasses in the past, though. I don’t have them currently cause I didn’t want to pay for that. 74. Does your mum vacuum early in the morning while you’re asleep? No. 75. Do you shower naked? Uh, yeah?  76. Does wearing glasses really make people look smart? It can. Doesn’t make me look smart, though ha. I’m not fooling anyone. 77. Are you ADD or ADHD? No. 78. Do your band-aids have cartoons on them? No, we just have the boring plain ones. 79. Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn’t have? No. 80. In one word, how would you define yourself? Disappointing.  81. Tell me about a dream you had recently? Nah. 82. Who’s the funniest drunk person you know? I haven’t been around drunk people in a long time. 83. How did you feel when you woke up? I haven’t gone to bed, yet, but I know I won’t be happy when my alarm goes off. I have a doctor appointment in the morning. :/ 84. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? It’ll be “ughhhhh I don’t want to get up.” 85. Name something great that happened on Friday? I don’t know, it’s Thursday. Ask me tomorrow. 86. When was the last time you saw your father? Last night. 87. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now? No. You know... it’s weird. I heard from Ty out of the blue yesterday for the first time in almost 5 years and it didn’t stir up anything in me like it would have in the past. 88. Have you ever been kissed by a person whose name starts with J? Yes. 89. Do you crack your knuckles? Yeah. 90. What were you doing twenty minutes ago? This. 91. You’re thinking about someone, aren’t you? I am now cause of that question where I talked about Ty. 92. Have you held hands with anyone in the past twenty-four hours? No. 93. What would you do if your partner still kept pictures of their ex? I would have an issue with that. 94. What if your partner went through your cellphone? I don’t want that kind of relationship. Like yeah, we should have nothing to hide, but still there’s just no reason for it. 95. What if your partner was flirting with another girl/boy? I’d most definitely have a problem with that and would say something. 96. Ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with? Yes. 97. You want someone/something? I’m already looking forward to lunch. 98. Is there really a difference between Coke and Pepsi? There absolutely is. Coke all the way. 99. Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now? I’m hungry, but it’s 330 in the morning and I’m not going to get anything. I’ll get something later after my doctor appointment. 100. Are there any mistakes with your recent ex you wish you could have changed? It really doesn’t matter anymore. 101. Has anyone ever been with you while you were throwing up? Yeah, my mom many times whenever I was sick. That’s even still to this day as an adult. One of my former friends was with me a few times after getting sick from a littleee bit too much to drink. :X 102. Background on your computer? Alexander Skarsgard. 103. Have you cried recently? Yes. 104. Who has hurt you the most? Myself. 105. Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now? I’m perfectly fine with being single. 106. What language do you want to learn? I want to be fluent in Spanish. I should start practicing again, it’s been yearsss so I’m definitely rusty. 107. Your ex’s car breaks down and they ask you for a lift. Your response? I don’t drive, so I’d be of no help. 108. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? I’d only hit someone out of self-defense.

#personal #text #survey #surveys #long one

[justdrugdealers-blog]

@svveetreflection

“Adri died.” Her sister’s voice said over the telephone. Her words hitting Richard like a freight train careening down the tracks on the verge of out of control.

“Come on that’s bullshit. I literally talked to her the other day. We had plans to meet up after I got back from India.” Richard was on the verge of tears and his voice on the verge of breaking. She had seemed fine, even happy when they had talked last. Which was a relief because it had been a month since he had taken time off to get her off her coke habit.

“She apparently OD’d a few days ago and when she didn’t show up for work they went looking for her.” His sister’s words played on repeat as if they were a broken record.

The fact that she had relapsed when he was on the road hurt. He had done everything he could to help Adri from getting her a therapist to making sure she knew where the closest AA meeting was and even going with her a few times before he had to head back to work. Yet here he was getting the same news he had always dreaded would happen.

“I-I need to go.” Richard replied before quickly hanging up the phone so that her sister wouldn’t know how much he was hurt by the news.

At least when she moved to New York he knew she’d always be around if he needed her. Now he didn’t even have that. She was gone. He wouldn’t be able to hear her voice again. He wouldn’t be able to share a bed with her. Feel her body against his. He’d lost her.

It hadn’t taken him long to drink his way through half of the mini fridge’s liquor. Something that he’d regret in the morning when the bill came but for now all he wanted to do was numb the emptiness inside. What made it worse was the fact that they were supposed to get back together when he got back. Well, at least talk about it. He’d wanted to get back together with her as soon as they’d hooked up again after all of those years but Adri had refused. Saying something along the lines of her addiction had to be conquered first before she even thought about dating someone.

‘A lot of good that did’ Richard thought to himself. His mind rushing over everything he could’ve done differently to prevent the final outcome. He could’ve taken more time off. Hell he could’ve quit his job and just focused on Adri’s well being. She would’ve refused but that never stopped him before. The one time he put himself first and it ended in misery. Oddly enough the person who caused it had always tried to make Richard put himself first. If that wasn’t ironic he wasn’t sure what was.

If Richard thought his life couldn’t get any worse at that moment apparently some other entity wanted to prove him wrong as someone started to knock on his door

“The door’s locked that means fuck off.” Richard exclaimed as he finished his sixth mini bottle of whiskey. “Come back tomorrow or never. Never would be the preferred option.” His words were slurred as he threw the extra pillow at the door wishing that he could throw it at whoever seemed to think it was a good idea to come to his hotel room.

“Just let me in.” Steph replied from outside the door. “Brie texted me about what happened. Apparently Adri’s sister called her as well. Come on no one should have to go through this alone. If you don’t open the door I’ll go get someone who will.”

“Well, if you can somehow bring Adri back to life then I won’t go through this alone. Until then you can fuck off.” Richard wasn’t sure why he was lashing out at Steph maybe it was the fact that she was there or the fact that she had caused their last fight but here he was taking out every bit of pain and sorrow in his body and shoving it at Stephanie.

“Just open the fucking door Richard. I swear you can be such a fucking dick at times.” Stephanie knew that Adri’s death was hitting Richard hard but she wasn’t going to deal with Richard’s childlike tantrum even if he was one of their best wrestlers on the roster at the moment.

It didn’t take long for Richard to get out of bed and unlock the door for Steph even if he didn’t want to. “There are you happy can you kindly fuck off now?” Richard asked as the stench of liquor wafted from his hotel room.

“Jesus Christ Richard go home.” Steph hadn’t expected to see a small pile of tiny little liquor bottles by his bed or to see Richard turn into the thing he had tried to prevent Adri from turning into herself yet here she was. Looking at a man who had apparently lost his self control along with the love of his life.

“Take some time off be with Stephen be with your grandparents. Hell put your dick in everything that walks if you it’ll help you get over her. I don’t really care but get yourself together.” She said as she pulled out her phone to buy Richard a plane ticket back home. “Sleep it off and fly home tomorrow. You’re lucky I don’t fire you but because you’re going through something I’ll just let you off with a warning but don’t expect this to be a regular occurrence. If you do this again you won't be working for us anymore.”

“Or you could just fire me now and get over with it. I honestly don’t give a shit.” Richard replied as he threw the now empty mini bottle of whiskey to join the others on the floor. “Now if you don’t mind I’d like to be left alone.” Richard replied as he closed the door on Steph and went back to his bed. Hoping to god he’d pass out for the night so he could get some peace even if it was just for a few hours.

Richard hadn’t left his house for days once he had gotten back from India. Nor had he turned his phone on once he had turned it off for his flight home. That hadn’t stopped his grandfather from trying to contact him though from emails to facebook messages all of which he ignored.

“Get the fuck up.” His grandfather’s voice screamed out at him as he forcefully pulled his grandson off his bed in order to wake him up. “You’re going to the damn viewing if I have to drag you there myself. Now get the fuck up and get a fuckin’ shower. I swear I raised you better than this. We get that she was your childhood best friend but that doesn’t mean you can fuckin’ lay around in bed all day for the rest of your life. Would she have wanted that for you? The answer is no.” Steven had tried his best to give his grandson the benefit of the doubt hoping that at one point he’d come to his senses yet here they were.

“Well, guess what she’s dead she doesn’t want anything anymore. I fuckin’ tried to help her and she fuckin’ left me! I’m alone now! So how about you and everyone that seems to want to leave comments like thoughts and prayers just fuck off. She wasn’t just my childhood best friend she was the only reason I had to keep going and now she’s fuckin’ gone.” Richard said as he finally stood up and looked at his grandfather with a frown. “You know if you don’t go to this you’re going to regret it. I know you probably want to die right now but I swear once you get up and out of the house you’ll feel better. Stephen and I will be in the living room when you’re ready to go.” Richard let out a sigh his grandfather was right even if he didn’t want to admit it.   He needed to go or every day he’d kick himself for not doing it.

Once Richard paid his respects to Adri’s parents he slowly walked over to her casket trying his best to hold back tears. “Your parents picked some really shitty music.” He whispered to her with a small chuckle. “I’m pretty sure you’d hate it. I should’ve went to New York with you in the first place. This wouldn’t have happened if I did. I’m sorry Adri. I love you.” Richard said before walking to the back of the room to be with his brother. At least he had him he thought to himself as he sat down in one of the empty chairs that lined the wall.

“She loved you, you know that right?” Adri’s sister said to him once he had sat down. “She always had. While she was at odds with mom and dad and she didn’t like me that much because she thought I was the favorite she at least had you. I’m pretty sure she was happy with just having you.”

“I could’ve taken better care of her though. I thought she had gotten clean. I was sure she had. I’d done everything that I thought would help. I got her a therapist. I took her to AA. I don’t know what else I could’ve done.” Richard said with a small sigh.

“We all thought she was clean. She knew how to hide it well. There wasn’t anything you could do.” Her sister said as he placed her hand on Richard’s shoulder trying her best to comfort him. “You did your best she just slipped it and it cost her.”

“I know but I feel like this is still my fault. I have a feeling I’ll feel this way for a while. Adri was normally able to snap me out of this but without her I’m just lost. She really was my other half.” Richard replied as he fixed Stephen’s messy hair. Trying his best to distract himself from the subject at hand.

“You ready to go Stephen?” Richard asked his little brother as he stood up to his feet tears running down his face unsure how there was anything even left to cry out at this point. 

“Can I say goodbye first?” Stephen asked as he looked up at his brother. “I didn’t get to say goodbye.” 

“Of course buddy.” Richard said as he led him to front of the room. “Do you want me to stay with you or do you want to have some alone time with her?” He asked once they were at her casket.  

“You can stay.” Stephen said as Richard peered over the side of her casket. “Thanks for helping Richie take care of me. You were like a second mom to me. I’m going to miss you.” Stephen replied teary eyed before turning to Richard and clinging to his waist. “I miss her already.” 

“So do I buddy. So do I. Now Let’s go home.” Richard replied as he picked Stephen up and practically clung to him.

#svveetreflection #tw; death #tw; drugs #tw; drug abuse #tw; drug addiction #tw; alcohol #tw; alcoholism

[bluboothalassophile]

Whoops!?

Four years of being with her was something he couldn't even describe. Raven was the best thing to happen to him ever. He was still working out the kinks on his proposal (he hated big things and couldn't figure out how to just ask her and had been religiously carrying a ring around with him on missions and in real life for about a half a year now). But the point was he and Raven were a good thing, and he adored everything about her. She was so easy to be around, and he liked feeling comfortable and wanted. Raven was great.

But she was also complicated, being a half-demon made her a bit tricky at times to handle, like a month ago, or when she didn't want to share or lost her temper. He loved her to death, but the woman was difficult some days, not that dating him was a cake walk for her either, but it balanced out in his mind.

But the big thing about dating a half-demon is that she's almost never sick, he was also rarely ill but that was for different reasons but the point was, neither of them got sick. Which was why when this fine Tuesday morning when he'd woken up, to his beautiful girlfriend sleeping soundly, he hadn't been worried. He kissed her exposed shoulder as he slowly kissed her spine, moving their sheets, and he smiled feeling her waking.

"Jay…" she breathed sleepily.

"Morning sunshine," he whispered as he kissed her shoulder again.

"Mmm," she hummed.

"Come on Rae, time to…" she suddenly shoved him off and was scrambling out of the bed, half flying, have running as she disappeared into the bathroom slamming the door shut behind her. He was startled and stood to follow when he heard her retching, he just about ripped the door off it's hinges as he came in there and pulled her hair back. Gross as it was, after the four years of dating her, he had never dealt with a sick Raven so he did as he'd been taught by Alfred and just held her hair back.

Finally she was just dry heaving and trembling as he let her hair go.

"Better out than in," he said half humoredly.

"Ugh," she grunted as she just rested leaned on the toilet, he reached for her robe and handed it to her, she didn't move to get off the tiled floor, he grabbed a cup and filled it with water as he handed it to her. "Must have been something I ate last night," she muttered.

"Then I'd be sick too," he pointed out as he found a pair of discarded sweats and pulled them on before taking the cup from her and splashing it out.

"Maybe not, demon," she muttered and he nodded.

"Want the bed or to stay here?" he asked her.

"I want to brush my teeth," she grumbled, he helped her up slowly, she gripped his arms painfully and just stood there for a long minute.

"You alright little bird?" he asked, keeping a firm hold on her.

"Just a bit light headed, I'm gonna call in sick," she said and he slowly let her go as she walked over to the sink and he left her be as he prepared toast with some jam on it for her. He kept his ears tuned for her, hearing her brush her teeth, run the sink, make her call and then the sheets moving. He brought her the toast. She was sound asleep in his shirt in their bed.

"Rae, come on," he coaxed, she cracked an eye at him, and frowned.

"I can't," she muttered seeing the food and paling.

"That's okay," he said as he set it aside on the night stand, he'd eat it for his breakfast.

"Sorry," she muttered.

"It's fine, I'd stay but I've got that legal thing with Bruce today and appealing my death so I can't stay here," he murmured patiently and Raven nodded.

"Go, 'M fine," she mumbled into the pillow. He would assess that statement this afternoon when he came home, for now he kissed her brow and took a shower. Raven was still sound asleep as he dressed in a suit, he gave up trying to tie the tie and decided not to wake Raven to have her help him since that was what he normally did when he had to wear a tie. He paused before leaving, he kissed her brow to check for a fever, but she felt cool to the touch like normal and he left.

He returned that afternoon to find her sitting at the counter munching on a deli sub, and she looked up from her computer and smiled.

"I am feeling much better, and starving," she informed him.

"I see, so you got Jersey Mike's and didn't tell me," he mused.

"I did! I got two sandwiches, number sixes, Mike's way with mayo!" she insisted.

"Uh-huh, and where is it?" he asked.

"I ate it," she sheepishly smiled.

"So do I get a bite of this?" he asked, looking at the last bit she had in her hands.

"No!" she snapped, he laughed and just picked up the phone as he called the sub shop for his own sandwich. He'd have been put off by Raven's attitude of not sharing but sometimes when her demon nature emerged she was greedy, so he didn't push her. their first real fight had been because he'd pushed her when her demon nature was running close to the surface and he'd learnt the hard way that she was a demon, good at hiding it and suppressing it, but she was a demon.

He figured Raven's being sick was a one-time thing.

"How's the resending death thing going?" she asked.

"Pain in the fucking ass, lawyers suck, and I've had to explain repeatedly that I was kidnapped by some crazy terrorist group and they tried brainwash me, I escaped and spent eight years on the run in Europe trying to get home, and then I got home and now we're doing this," he grumbled as he rubbed his temple. Lawyers fucking sucked! And Bruce had pitched a fit because Jason hadn't worn a tie today, but Jason wasn't in the mood to deal with it because he'd been worried about Raven being here and sick.

The only reason he was resending his death was because the paparazzi were snapping pictures of him with his brothers, and a big one had been plaster on the front of People with him and Mar'i playing in the park, with Helena and Terry, and Dick and him talking. Yeah, that flew over and the world now was screaming about him being alive. Explaining that in his family's 'joy' of discovering he was even alive they'd forgotten to resend his death because for the past year there was documented proof of him living, it'd slipped their minds.

"It'll be worth it, and throw off suspicion on your family for ties to the Bats," she pointed out as she finished her sub.

"True," he agreed. "But now I've got to start showing up at six and not eight, starting tomorrow, lots of fucking paperwork, busy month and Bruce is insisting I enroll in school or something so I look normal, I'm a grown ass man, I have no desire to go to school right now."

"You like school," Raven pointed out. he rolled his eyes.

"You're going to have to ask Dick or someone for a ride now," he said.

"That's fine, my classes are at eleven, I can make the train by nine and be in New York by ten," she dismissed.

"You're not walking Gotham alone, I'll ask Alfred help get you to the station," he sighed.

"Fine, but I'm a scary demon, even if they don't know it, no one's going to hurt me and I've been taking care of myself long before you," she pointed out.

"Not the point sunshine, it's for my peace of mind," he countered and she sighed in defeat.

"That's cheating," she muttered.

"Not if it gets me what I want," he mused.

"Why am I dating you again?" she asked.

"Because I'm awesome, and I cook."

"Right," she mused and he pulled her into his lap as he just held onto normalcy for a moment.

For about a week he and Raven didn't talk about her bout of sickness on Tuesday, it was Sunday though when they were shopping that he had the scare of his life. They'd agreed to take the kids, Dick (who was a single father by the way) was off planet, Tim was busy, it was Bruce and Selina's anniversary weekend, Alfred had sprang his ankle, Damian was off with the Titans, and Cass and Stephanie were off with Barbara doing some Birds of Prey thing. He honestly didn't know, all he knew was that he now had Bruce's clone/son, and Selina and Bruce's daughter with Dick's daughter for the week instead of just the weekend and they were in dire need of some things which lead to this shopping expedition.

Mar'i and Raven were off shopping for some school clothes for Mar'i, he was looking through the baby things, collecting diapers, and formula because he'd gotten a call saying that this week he and Raven would have the kids and that wasn't a problem, just another hassle.

"Jaybird!" a shrill voice screamed through the store and he had his little sister in the cart as he raced to the voice and found Mar'i shaking Raven's shoulder, and Raven looking green and dizzy.

"Fuck, you alright Raven?" he asked as he picked up the scared Mar'i who was now looking a bit like her mother and about to blast something.

"Yeah, just got light headed and everything spun and…" she gestured around her. "I'm fine, it's probably because I haven't eaten anything today."

"Kay, well, Helena, Mar'i will go with you, you're going to the food court, and I'll meet you there after I pay for this and change Terry," he said as he helped her up, Terry was starting to look ready to scream and Jason just smelled it.

"Yeah," Raven waved him off as he slowly let her go.

"Food, now!" Helena announced as she tugged on Raven's pants.

"Yeah, yeah, come on," Raven said as she picked up the two year old and then took four year old Mar'i's hand as they walked out. Jason watched her go closely and then walked to the family restroom to change Terry. He found the girls at the food court and he ended up reluctantly eating there with his brother, sister, and niece. Raven barely ate.

When they got back to the apartment Raven had crashed with the kids, Terry sleeping soundly on her chest, Helena used Raven's arm as a pillow and Mar'i was using Raven's stomach as a pillow. It was cute, but Jason frowned because Raven had been napping a lot, he didn't know if that meant she was sick or life had just decided to come kick her ass for a bit (because that happened to him on occassion). He crawled into his bed, lifted Helena to him, and pulled Raven into his side, Mar'i stubbornly clung to Raven, and he settled to read. He liked reading with Raven, even when she was sound asleep.

His largest freak out came later that week when they'd all been catching their breath after a massive fight, Klarion had decided to come to Gotham and pay a visit on them. Raven had barely defeated Klarion and was flying overhead them he, the Titans, and his brothers celebrating their victory. Raven was floating over the street, over a hundred stories in the air, she was talking, she was fine, and then she just dropped.

He had seen her eyes roll back in her head and the focus she used to fly had her dropping, he'd screamed her name as he dove off the building for her. Dick, Damian and Tim and the Titans shouted after him, but he couldn't let this happen to her. He barely caught her, had her secure and a grappling hook catching another building as he swung around and up onto a roof top, tucking her into him as he rolled. She was unconscious, and he'd started running for Leslie's clinic in desperation, shouting for Cy to forward all of Raven's medical files to Thompkins.

He didn't slow even as Dick called in the warning, and Jason highjacked the Batmobile where it'd been parked.

He blasted through every possible red light, every stop, he didn't slow for anything until he was in front of Thompkins's clinic, Raven groaned a bit when he grabbed her out of the car and ran into the clinic.

"Over here, I got the call," Leslie said and Jason put Raven on the gurney, of course Raven chose that moment to open her eyes and look confused. "Where are we?"

"Thompkins clinic and you're going to be a good demon and let her check you over or I swear to God Raven I will make your life hell!" he snarled lowly when he saw her looking ready for a fight.

"But I'm fine," Raven insisted.

"You just fainted, while floating over the ground a hundred stories in the air! You're going to the doctor!" He snapped at her.

"Hood, let me examine my patient," Leslie snapped and Jason released Raven as he leaned against the wall and refrained from smoking because that wouldn't do him good. He glared at the clock as he waited. Dick and Tim called to check up on their Titan teammate, Jason said she was being examined and by the time Cyborg was there he was seriously concerned.

"Any news man?" Victor gasped.

"No," Jason grounded out because he was scared, truly scared.

"Fuck, I should have called her more, checked in, she just said she was tired, life," he sighed.

"I get it, she's been off for a few weeks," Jason admitted.

"Oh fuck…"

"How much do you know about Raven's biology?" Jason asked.

"Actually, not a lot, she's a one of a kind, unknown, demon. I know her natural temp runs at about eighty-four degrees, her fevers range between a hundred and twenty and a hundred and forty, she's got about three organs I have no fucking clue what they do, and she's got four eyes, all which can see, and the top two move independently from the bottom two. The only time she's sick is when she hops dimensions, other than that, everything about her is an unknown.

"Oh, and she's barren," Cy said.

"I know all that," Jason snapped. "I meant is there some weird demon virus or something which she could be sick with?"

"Raven doesn't get sick. Ever. Her immune system is a fucking beast, she was poisoned once and better before I even had the antidote ready. I've seen her take a third degree burn and be alright with no scar. The girl is indestructible," Cy said softly and Jason sighed knowing they were thinking of Star before she'd died. Kori had been indestructible too, and then she wasn't.

Raven was sick, that was all Jason was sure of. It was two hours later when Leslie appeared.

"She's asleep now, I suggest you go, now, it'll be dawn soon, I have her registered as one Rachel Roth, and we can discuss it tomorrow," Leslie said.

"What's wrong with her?" Jason demanded.

"She's asked for me not to tell you and said to tell you she'd talk to you about it in the morning, she also asked me to give you this," Leslie handed him the post it and Jason frowned at Raven's handwriting.

Talk To You About This TOMORROW! I'm NOT Dying, Go Home.

IF YOU DON'T GO HOME I WILL KNOW AND I WILL HURT YOU!

"Rae's word is law, I'll visit her tomorrow, I'm her brother by the way," Cy said to Leslie.

"Victor Stone?"

"Yup," he smiled. "And if she's not dying, come on Red, I'm crashing on you couch."

"You're taking her side!" Jason snapped to Victor.

"Of course, I always take Rae's side; she's my sister dude, and if says she's not dying then I trust she's not dying and am going to your place to ensure you go there, and stay there, and we can yell at her tomorrow for this scare," Victor said.

"Oh, so you side with me on yelling at her but not with me on staying?" Jason muttered.

"Yup, home now," Victor ordered and Jason rolled his eyes beneath the hood. But he reluctantly did as Cy ordered as he took them to the Cave then Victor boomed them home.

It was afternoon when they finally had a chance get to the clinic, Jason had been delayed by the lawyers, then by the press, and now he was with Victor at the clinic and he was exhausted.

"Rae, finally, what the hell is going on!?" Jason demanded as he flopped into a chair beside her.

"Yeah, and you're grounded until you tell us what's going on, no flying after last night!" Victor snapped.

"Hey Vic, I need a moment alone with Jason," Raven said.

"Fuck! You're dying!?" Jason shouted.

"I'm not dying, but I want to tell you first, then Vic," Raven stated with a yawn.

"Fine but this had better be good," Vic snapped as he stomped out and Raven waited a beat before looking at Jason.

"I'm not dying," she said.

"You promise? Because if you're pulling some Bruce shit on me right now I will make your life and the afterlife a living hell," he warned her.

"Promise, but…" she said.

"Why are you sick?"

"If you shut up for a minute I'll tell you because I've been trying to figure this out all night! It's why I wanted to be alone!" she hissed lowly at him and he found himself glaring into four red eyes.

"Fine, put the eyes away," he said. Raven took a deep breath and then she grabbed his hand.

"I don't expect anything of you, Jason, I just want you to know that before hand," she said flatly, he squeezed her hand then and waited, his patience was dying though as he watched Raven worrying her bottom lip.

"What is it, sunshine?" he asked.

"I'm pregnant," she sighed.

He just blinked.

"I swear I didn't even know this was possible!" she looked ready to cry and heavy equipment rattled where it was. "I… I get if you're not interested or anything, I just… I didn't do this to trap you! And I know we've got a good thing going! I didn't do it on purpose," she was crying now and he ducked a flying tray.

"Rae, Rae, calm down, calm down," he pleaded as he forced her to look at him, he kept her face framed as he ignored some of the flying equipment; so long as it didn't come near his head he didn't care about it right now.

"I'm just… it's a shock. But I'm not leaving," he said.

"I thought…" she whimpered.

"Nope, you're stuck with me, I didn't know it was even possible, but it's alright, I was more worried you were dying, pregnancy didn't even cross my mind because you said you were barren. I'm not leaving, you didn't trap me, and accidents happen, we'll deal with it however you want," he said and the equipment fell to the ground with thuds.

"I want to keep it," she whispered as her hands clutched her stomach.

"We'll work this out," he assured her.

"I'm sorry," she muttered.

"Rae, give me a sec to catch up with you and I'll be happy just… give me a sec," he breathed as he rested his brow on hers'. He'd honestly thought she'd been dying or ill or worse and he couldn't stand the thought, he hadn't slept at all last night and he had a long day to this point.

But he was going to be a dad, Raven wasn't dying or sick and the grin split his lips.

"How far along?" he asked finally as he pulled away from her and looked at where her hands were as he tried to figure out how she'd look pregnant.

"About six or seven weeks, Thompkins said I started having heavy symptoms early because of my demon," she muttered.

"Oh, so it was… huh," he trailed off. She turned scarlet and he grinned. Around the spring equinox she'd had an insatiable sexual drive. She said it felt like she were on fire like she had to have him in her, he'd been thinking it was an animal heat or something with how she'd describe it. But after those three days she was normal again, just worn, used, and they both slept for a day after being that spent.

"Guess you do have a heat."

"Shut up! I'm half demon! Heats shouldn't happen!" she hissed, he laughed and pulled her into his arms as he just held onto her.

"Seriously, no more flying, you're firmly grounded and off field work," he said as he tightened his hold on her thinking about how he'd almost lost her last night, lost them, he couldn't afford that.

"That's not!" she started.

"Shut up sunshine, you, and whoops, would both be dead if I hadn't leapt off that building after you, and you only woke when we got here," he snapped.

"Whoops?"

"Seems appropriate," he informed her.

"Beats what I was calling it," she said.

"And what were you calling it?"

"It."

"We're sticking to whoops," he said as he pulled away from her as he looked at where the life was. He was going to be a dad. A terrifying thought. He'd had a shitty dad, and Bruce wasn't always the best role model for fatherhood.

"I'm happy, nervous, and scared, and I love you," Raven whispered as she rested her brow on his shoulder.

"It's going to be fine, but I'm guessing you're going to be sick a lot more," he murmured.

"I've been throwing up every morning for two weeks," she said.

"And You Didn't Tell Me?" he growled.

"I just thought it was a bug from dimension hopping, it's happened before," she defended.

"No teleporting, no shadows, no magic, and NO dimension hopping, you're grounded and I will have Cy on my side on this matter," he growled.

"I…!" she started but he kissed her.

"You've scared me this week, just do this for me," he murmured.

"That's cheating."

"Not if it gets me what I want, and I want you and whoops safe," he murmured.

"You're lucky I love you," she muttered and he grinned as he kissed her again before standing.

"Love you too, now I'm getting Cy and you're going to talking him down from possibly wanting to neuter and or kill me for knocking you up," he said.

"He has to get in line cause I got dibs, morning sickness sucks," she muttered.

"If you'd told me I'd have been there, and speaking of that, no more holding out on me, you tell me everything, got it?" he growled the last part.

She nodded as she sighed.

"Good." He left her then and found Victor sitting on a bench in the waiting area looking like a normal guy and nervous.

"How is she?" Victor stood.

"Fine, but first, she's going to tell you something and I'd like you to know right now I've had a ring for about a half a year that I've been storing in my tool kit trying to figure out how to ask her to marry me," Jason said.

"Alright?"

"I need you to know this so you don't kill me for what she's about to tell you," Jason said.

"Fine, fine, I won't kill you until you've proposed," Victor snapped.

"How about you don't kill me at all, dying sucks, but if you do it, no crow bars."

"Deal."

Jason and Victor just walked back into the room and Jason had the satisfaction of watching Raven all but short circuit Victor with her words.

#bluboothalassophile #fanfic #one shot #jason todd #raven #red hood #red x #redrae #raex #fluff #ff #ao3

[zoeygreensimblr]

We are Never getting back Together (Episode 26)

I arrived at the vets early Friday morning, it was my last day of work experience and I was sad that it was going to be over, even with all the drama fromWednesday afternoon I still had an amazing time and learnt so much and I know that this is what I want to do with my life.

Dr Charlotte greets me warmly when I walk in the door.

"Morning Zoey, I'm a bit sad that it's your last day today but I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come work here part time next year?" She offers with a smile on her face

"I would love that, thank you" I accept

"Awesome, come see me in the new year and we will organise it once you know your Uni schedule"she tells me, "Oh and before I forget Stephanie Washington is coming back in this afternoon, she's collecting her dog's urn. She asked to time it with when you finish because she wants to take you out for coffee to show her appreciation for the comfort you gave her" She springs this on me and my nerves go into overdrive, why does she want to see me? Is she coming alone? Maybe she's going to tell me they broke up? Maybe she's going to give me in-depth details about how much sex they've been having now that I'm out of the picture?

"Is her boyfriend coming with her too?" I ask Dr Charlotte

"She didn't say. I told her 2pm, is that ok with you?" Dr Charlotte replies as she looks over the day's schedule, she doesn't see the panic on my face.

2pm takes forever to come around and the knot in my stomach is getting bigger and bigger. I'm a ball of nerves when I see Steph walk in at 2, she greets me with a hug and I'm somewhat relieved to see she's alone this time. Dr Charlotte comes out to hand over the urn and I see Steph's face turn from happy to sad in an instant, I put my arm around her shoulders.

"Thank you Zoey" She whispers to me, "Let's go get coffee"

We walk to the cafe across the road, order 2 coffees and find a table to sit at.

"You're such a sweet girl Zoey" She tells me when we sit down

"Thank you, I just felt so heartbroken for you on Wednesday, well for you and your boyfriend" Take her hand and give it a squeeze

"Ex boyfriend actually, we shared the dog when we were together and when she got sick I reached out to him because I thought he should know and she just kept getting worse and I feel so bad that I had to lean on him so much. I'm so sorry Zoey" She says, looking me in the eye.

"He told you who I was?" I ask her surprised

"He told me everything yesterday, Zoey we are not together and I don't want him back I promise you. Angus and I had a very toxic relationship, we kept hurting each other because we both couldn't just break up with the other one, it should of ended when we were in school honestly and he knows that too. We work great as friends though" She explains to me and I feel like such an idiot but it still doesn't excuse the fact that he kept secrets from me.

"Why did he hide the phone calls though?" I ask her

"Because he's an idiot" She laughs, "He thought that by keeping it from you that you wouldn't worry that he was cheating on you, I kept telling him that that was the most stupidest plan ever and any girl sees her boyfriend is receiving calls from his ex and he's hiding it is instantly going to think that he's cheating"

"So he really didn't cheat?" I say in a small voice

"No sweetie he didn't, he loves you, he came to my house the after you dumped him at the airport, he was in tears Zoey, I've never seen Angus cry except for when his parents died, he kept saying how he had fucked it all up, how he wasn't allowed to call you anymore or see you ever again. I kept telling him to go make things right, to explain everything to you. I didn't even know your name, he wouldn't tell me anything about you because he was so afraid I'd come looking for you" She squeezes my hand

"Why wouldn't he come tell me himself? I wanted him to show up at my house every day since I let him go, I wanted him to tell me that I was wrong."  I cry

"He said he tried in Del Sol Valley but you wouldn't listen to him" She tells me and I feel so guilty, he did try and I shut him out. I feel like complete shit.

"I miss him Steph, I wanted to call him so many times but I just couldn't, I kept thinking that he was with you and it was best if I just stepped aside" I break down.

"We are going to The Stargazer tonight, Happier is playing, Angus will be there as well as Tess, who I've now learnt is your sister, she's a cool chick. Anyway you should join us, I've just got to take this urn home and get changed" She suggests and that knot forms in my stomach again, I want to see him but I'm so scared too.

"I'll have to change too, I can't wear this" I tell her

"I have the perfect dress for you, I made it last week" She offers

"You make clothes?" I say surprised, I know nothing about Steph outside of what Angus has told me

"I'm a fashion designer for CAS clothing, I create unique custom content clothing" She informs me.

We walk to Steph's house, a small place not too far from my own, she places the urn on the mantle above the fire. I look around the room and see pictures of her and Annabelle, I forgot they were friends. She goes into a room and brings out a red velvet dress, it's absolutely beautiful and it's my size too.

"Go try it on" She urges me and I slip into her bathroom, it fits me like a glove, I walk out to show her and she claps her hands with joy

"Now make up and hair to complete the package" She says excited, I let her work her magic on me and when she's done I almost don't recognise myself, she's played up every feature I have on my face.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I ask her, I feel like I'm not deserving of such attention.

"Because you were so sweet to me on Wednesday and I feel partly to blame for your break up" She explains hugging me, "You're my friend now Zoey, that's going to piss Angus off I'm sure, his two ex's becoming friends" We both laugh at that thought.

We catch an Uber to The Stargazer around 7, the place is already pumping when we arrive and I feel those nerves start to kick in. We scan the room for where the others are sitting and see Annabelle, Molly and Tess at a table near the dance floor, I feel a bit at ease to approach the table knowing Angus isn't there, I'm still not sure if I'm ready to face him.

"Zoey you're here and you look amazing" Tess cries out

"Thanks, Steph made the dress" I tell her, twirling around

"Fits her so good doesn't it? I'm calling it the 'How I got my ex boyfriend back' dress" Steph announces to the group and that's when I see him walking up to the table, my heart jumps up into my throat, why does he have to look so gorgeous, surely he could have a day where he just looks like trash? That would help with my nerves right now. He pulls Steph in for a hug, not noticing that I'm standing right next to her.

"How you feeling today?" He asks her with a concerned look

"It was tough picking up the urn but I had a comforting friend there to help me through" She tells him

"You saw Zoey again?" He questions her, "How was she?"

"Why don't you ask her?" Steph says, motioning to me and I watch his expression change from concern for Steph to absolute shock when his eyes rest on me.

"Why are you here?" He asks me as if I have no place stepping inside The Stargazer, he got this place in the break up and I'm breaking the rules being here

"Steph invited me, She said 'Happier' were playing tonight" I tell him, my voice shaking

"I'm going to the bar" He tells Steph and he storms off. I wasn't expecting him to be angry.

"Should I go talk to him?" I ask Steph and she nods.

Angus is sitting at the bar, nursing a beer, his face is stormy and I'm scared to approach him but I feel that only I can fix this now.

"Hey" I say, taking the seat next to him, the mixologist approaches me and I order a drink. Angus finally looks up from his drink once mine is place in front of me.

"She's on my tab" He tells the mixologist and she nods and walks away

"You didn't have to do that you know? I don't expect you to pay for my drink." I tell him, pulling money out of my bag and sliding it over to him.

"I don't need your money Zoey" He says, flicking it back to me, I put it back in my bag, "Why are you here?" He asks me again

"Steph and I had coffee this afternoon, we had a really good talk and she cleared some things up for me" I explain

"And what did she clear up for you Zoey? The fact that I'm not the cheating asshole you accused me of being?" His tone is angry but he's not yelling at me.

"I got it wrong and I'm sorry" I can feel my eyes starting to well up, I stare up at the lights hoping the brightness will stop the tears, I don't want to ruin the great job Steph did doing my make up.

"So she pretty much told you the exact same thing I had told you 3 months ago except when I did it I getting fucking left at the airport and she gets to play dress ups with her new best friend and I'm sure you both bonded over how shit I am too" He says, throwing down the last bit of his beer.

"I don't think you're shit Angus, I was angry at you for keeping secrets from me but I never said you were shit, you were a good boyfriend" I tell him, hoping to soften his mood

"I was the bad boyfriend who got cheated on and then I was the good boyfriend who gets dumped, I can't win" He scowls, skipping over the fact that he kept a secret from me.

"I miss you Angus" I say, reaching across to touch his arm.

"And who's fault is that Zoey? If you didn't break up with me then you wouldn't be sitting here telling me that you miss me" He pulls away from my touch

"If you had just been honest with me about the calls and seeing her I wouldn't of broken up with you and we'd still be together" I fire back

"Sure we would be, you would of look for another excuse to end us anyway. You didn't want to be with me Zoey, you just wanted a boyfriend and I just happened to make a move" He accuses me

"I kissed you Angus, that first night we were here together, I made that move first" I remind him

"Yeah and only after I had made it abundantly clear that I was into you. I could have been any guy, you would of just jumped at the chance to have someone shower you with attention or maybe it was that you wanted to get rid of your virginity before going to Uni next year, now you can fuck a whole frat house and have meaningless casual sex" He yells at me.

"Why are you trying to hurt me?" I ask, fighting back the tears but they start falling down my cheeks

"Because you cut me out of your life like I meant nothing to you, 3 months of nothing and then you show up here and want to act like you think we will be all good" He explains, "Did you think I'd just want you back because you put on a dress and some make up? Did you really think I'd forget that you just abandoned me?" He questions me

"I wasn't thinking we'd get back together, I don't even know if I want to" I admit

"What do you want from me Zoey? I gave you the world and you threw it back at me" He says wounded

"We could be friends?" I suggest, I just want him back in my life.

"And how do you think that would work? We hang out together? We see movies and eat meals?" He asks but I can tell he's mocking the idea, he doesn't want me in his life and I'm just wasting my time trying. I finish my drink, grab my bag and get up to leave, I feel deflated and punished, "Are you walking away?" He asks me

"I think I should, I didn't come here to ruin your night and I don't like the way you're speaking to me, I don't feel that I have to just sit there and be belittled by someone who can't admit their own fault in this" I explain to him but I'm unable to move, he has me locked in his gaze.

"This is who you are Zoey, when things get hard you look for an exit, you did it to me the first time you left and I chased after you" He reminds me and I sit back down, he's right, any bit of conflict and I leave. He orders another drink, a Rum and Coke this time and a Vodka soda for me.

"I don't like fighting" I explain

"Nobody likes fighting Zoey but you can't just bolt each time a conflict arises" His tone has soften, almost comforting, "I had all these plans for us, I wanted to live with you next year which, for me, is a pretty big step considering the last person I wanted to live with decided to fuck my best friend" He looks at me with such pain

"Angus I wanted that too, I wanted to be with you but just you" I tell him and he looks at me confused

"I wanted to be with just you too" He replies

"I felt like everything I did with you was constantly being compared to Steph, she did it this way or she did that, it felt like I was in a relationship with you and her and I wanted to be the first at something, like you were for me. I had no one to compare you to and I liked that, you were my first everything, my first boyfriend, my first lover, the first guy I ever gave my heart to and it broke me to lose you. So many times I wanted to call you or tell you about something funny that happened that day and I couldn't because I had set you free, I stepped aside" I say, crying into my drink.

"You could have contacted me Zoey" He tells me

"You could of contacted me too Angus but you let me walk away" I tell him

"You told me not to contact you, you were pretty direct about that remember?" He reminds me and I feel this guilty pain stab at my heart, I had told him to never contact me again. I don't want to beg him for friendship though, I don't want it to feel forced.

"If I could back to that day and change it I would, in a heartbeat, I regret so much now" I let the guilt wash over me as he sits there drinking his rum, I don't even think he cares that I'm upset though.

"I'm going to go home" He announces as he finishes his drink

"Ok" I reply completely deflated, I should have stayed home, then no one would of had their night ruined

"Do you want to come?" He asks in all honesty

"Are you going to belittle me more and make me feel like shit?" I ask

"I wasn't planning on it, I have something of yours at my house that you may need next week" He explain and I know instantly that he is referring to my formal dress, the one he bought for me.

"You still have that?" I say surprised

"Well what was I going to do with it Zoey? It's yours, it has always been yours and You deserve it back so you can wear it on Tuesday night" He remembered when the formal was, or Tess and Cassie reminded him

"I don't even know if I'll go" I tell him

"Why would you not go?" He asks, shocked

"Because Tess has Declan and Cassie and Sam are on the verge of getting together, they've had a few dates now that school is done and she's made her feelings known and I'll be like this giant fifth wheel who just sits alone and drinks the the fruit punch and doesn't dance" I tell him, I now I sound pathetic, so many girls will be alone that night and will still be having fun.

"Well I still need you to take the dress because it's taking up room in my closet and I need it gone" He says, standing up to leave.

"Fine, I will come and get it now if that will make you happy" I too stand up and start walking towards the exit.

The air outside is warm with a light breeze, perfect October weather and such a vast difference from the last time I was doing this walk to his apartment. He walks at a faster pace than me, always staying 4 steps in front and I almost feel like I have to jog to keep up. I'm so unfit now, 3 months without cardio and I've forgotten how to run. He reaches the elevator before me and groans that he had to hold the door open so I could catch up. He opens the door to his apartment and all the memories flood back in, he throws his keys on the bar, just like he did when I was here before and starts making his way up the stairs but stops when hears his name being called from the bedroom on the bottom floor

"Angus?" A sweet sounding voice calls out

"Yeah it's me, I came home early" He calls back, reversing his original path up the stairs and walks over to the bedroom, I don't know it I should follow him or just wait near the bar.

"What happened?" The voice asks concerned

"Long story but I brought someone home" He tells her

"You didn't? Angus it's one thing for you to be going out and getting wasted to forget her but bringing home random girls from the bar is sleazy and disgusting, have some respect for yourself and for that poor girl who is no doubt just standing out there waiting for you" She chastises him

"Come meet her" He coaxes her out of the room and I see that she is a beautiful blonde woman, around 40 but has kept herself in great shape and looks amazing.

"I'm so sorry for my brother, he's not himself lately and he shouldn't have brought you here to disrespect you" She apologises and I realise that this is Imogen

"Immie this is Zoey" He laughs

"This is Zoey? The Zoey?" She questions him and he nods, "I'm so sorry sweetie, I thought you were just some girl he picked up at the bar, I raised him better than to be a manwhore. You're pretty, he said you were pretty but now I'm seeing it for myself" Imogen says, embracing me in a giant, warm hug

"Immie loves getting all parental on me" Angus explains to me, his mood has lifted a lot.

"Well if I didn't you would of been out there impregnating half of San Myshuno like Caleb does" She pokes him in the ribs laughing, "Oh Zoey, it's so good to finally meet you, you were all he would talk about when I was away" She says, hugging me again, I'm so surprised that she's being so warm and inviting to me considering Angus says I abandoned him and Steph says I broke him.

"Zoey is here for her formal dress" Angus tells Imogen

"Oh you must be so excited for formal. I remember my formal like it was yesterday, I went with your step dad Don, we danced all night and I lost my virginity that night...which is more information than either of you ever wanted to know" She says blushing and I have to stifle a giggle.

"Thanks for that image" Angus tells her, running off up the stairs, I walk slowly behind him.

"Do you want a snack?" Imogen calls out to us

"Only if you're making it anyway" I hear him call back and she joins me on the stairs, we reach the top, I head towards his bedroom and she goes to the kitchen. Angus has already pulled the box with my dress inside out of his closet by the time I get into the room and has placed it on his bed.

"Thank you again for keeping it" I say, I feel like I should hug him to show gratitude but I don't think he would very welcoming to the idea of me touching him ever again

"Like I said, it's taking up room and I need it gone" He say coldly, yep, not open to a hug.

Imogen appears in the doorway, strawberries and cream in hand.

"Let's eat" She says, ushering us to the dining table. We sit in silence for a while, enjoying the strawberries dipped in cream until she breaks the ice, "You must be relieved to be finished school now Zoey?" She asks me and Angus looks at me as if he's only just realised I'm finally finished

"Oh yeah, the exams were so stressful but I studied hard leading up to them and I think I did well, I won't know for certain until December when they release the results" I tell her

"And Angus said you were doing work experience at the vets near your house, how did that go?" She pushes on with her questioning as he sit there eating his strawberries but listening to my every word

"I loved it, Dr Charlotte said I did really good, that I showed kindness and compassion and she offered me part time work for next year once I find out my uni schedule so I'm really happy with that" I explain.

"Yeah, Angus said you were so sweet to Steph on Thursday, that poor girl, what a nightmare, having to put her dog down" Imogen says sadly

"Nortica was my dog too" Angus interjects

"I know she was and I feel bad for you too Gus" she says, taking his hand

"I'm sorry too Angus, about Nortica, I know how much you missed her and how sad you got when we saw 'Lost Dogs Journey Home'" I reach across the table to take his other hand but he pulls it away, Imogen sees it all and she gives him a stern look, he reaches his hand across the table and gabs mine in his

"Sorry Zoey" He mumbles his fake apology, like a kid on the playground who has been forced into it

It's getting late when i announce I should be going, I have no idea how I'm going to take my dress on the train or how I'm even going to manage to get to the station in the dark.

"Gus when was your last drink?" Imgon quizzes him

"2 hours ago, I had a rum and coke and a light beer tonight, I swear that's all I've had Immie" He tells her like he's going to get into trouble for drinking

"You should be right to drive, take Zoey home" She demands

"I'm ok to catch the train"I plead with her

"Ugh no you're not Zoey, I told you so many times that the train isn't safe this time of night, go get your dress and I'll drop you home" He says annoyed but I do as he asks and we leave together in his car. We travel in silence the whole way, me looking out the window at the trees coming into bloom for spring and he doesn't try to touch my knee or grab my hand. We reach my house and he he carries the box with my dress inside to the door and lingers for a moment.

"Thank you for bringing me home Angus" I tell him

"If you had been murdered on the train then Tess would never of let me hear the end of it" He says coldly and we stand there again in awkward silence.

"Well Goodnight" I say after a minute

"Night Zoey, I'll see you Monday afternoon"

"Monday afternoon?"

"For training and don't think that I'm going to go easy on you because you didn't show up for 3 months either" He warns me before turning around and walking back to his car

#sims4 #sims 4 story #simblr #sims 4 cats and dogs #sims 4 city living #sims 4 brindleton bay #sims 4 san myshuno #taylor swift

[starlettemagnechalastor]

Mun’s history

I grew up in good ol’ Texas, despite being born in Virginia. My mom divorced my biological dad and move to Texas when I was 2, so I really have no memory or connection with my biological dad.

She married my stepdad when I was 5. We moved into his house, and for many years, I always thought I had a normal childhood...

Until I started therapy MANY years later.

Being coerced into thinking back made me realize how fucked the marriage was.

The fighting, the emotional and verbal abuse, the religious indoctrination..

The bullshit gender norms my stepdad tried to force on me.

Example: Women cannot wear hats. 

So my mom and I wore caps and whatever hats we liked cause fuck him.

She was miserable in the relationship, they ALWAYS fought. Once, my mom told me he wanted a divorce because I was “too smart.”

I was 6.

And unconsciously, all the abuse of my dad (He often called my younger brother and I names, and would make us paranoid by scaring the shit out of us whenever he could. Once or twice? Fine. But don’t hide behind the walls all the time and jump out at us.), the worthlessness I felt because my religion taught me I was broken and filthy without Jesus (thanks grandma).

I admit, I attempted to take my life when I was 7. I tried to swallow a bottle of pills. We had a whole medicine cabinet and I was easily able to access the medicine. My brother caught on when I gave him my prized snow globe music box and told him I didn’t need it anymore. 

My mom burst into my room as I opened the bottle. 

She hid all medications and all sharp objects for months. But I wasn’t taken to a therapist.

No professional to help me.

10 years of age:  One day, my mom snapped and attempted suicide by shooting herself with my dad’s gun. He tried to grab the gun, and a bullet fired. It hit her side and broke their bathroom sink. Police woke me up in the middle of the night, and my grandmother was there in tears.

Middle school: I was forced into a christian school, my mom was paranoid over gossip of the public middle school. And of course, when the ENTIRE class was questioned about their faith...I hesitated. Which made me an instant target for severe bullying. From people pretending to have romantic interest in me, to physically assaulting me. I kept it to myself for my entire middle school life, until the day they busted my bike, which was how I got home. And despite the school saying the damages would be covered and I’d get an apology letter, that never happened. 

My mom moved me to a charter school.

The only significant memories I have of THAT gem was that they tried to get me to CHEAT on a TAKS test and that I was bullied for being a virgin.

I told my parents about the TAKS, they confronted the school staff...and they held me back.

So, repeating 10th grade in a public high school. 

My mom, over the years, has been in and out of the hospital. Which meant my brother and I were in a house with a man who was emotionally constipated and constantly harassed, berated, and insulted his children.

But constantly reminded us about how he’s so great for marrying a woman with two children.

My mom, when she was home, had a lot of medical problems. She had a small spine, so they had to remove a part of her hip to normalize the length, she couldn’t breathe properly on her own, she had to have a nurse coming over to check on her often, she had a pacemaker, she ended up with diabetes, she had seizures that were mostly triggered by flashing lights, and she had to have certain medications injected.

This woman, my mother, was the one who got me into art, who ALWAYS supported me. I think she knew I was transgender before I did, she gave me my first short haircut that had my FAMILY, all except her brother, call me a dyke. She was always there for my lows, knew I had self-esteem issues, she bred my artistic side where I could be FREE. 

12 years old, my uncle (the only other light of my life) got engaged to a pediatric nurse. Her name was Stephanie. They had a kid together already, his name was Aiden. Stephanie asked us to come to a family reunion to meet her family.

I didn’t see any red flags when I got there, but things started being weird when I met a few of the would-be cousins. 

One man, who looked like he was in his 20s, was REALLY handsy with me. He even lifted my leg and SPANKED me while we were hanging out outside. REMINDER: I WAS 12 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME.

Then I met this kid named Matthew. 

A monster in the making.

He wasn’t handsy, he was a chill guy. He was even invited to our house and we sat at the dining room table to watch videos.

THEN

And ONLY THEN

did he start groping me.

He went as far as shoving his hand down my pants.

And I was so confused, so disturbed and horrified, that I could only quietly cry and plead for him to stop.

I never told my parents, my grandparents, never told an adult.

I only told my brother when he brought Matthew over one day, many years later. I told him he was NEVER allowed in our house again, and my brother wholeheartedly agreed, thankfully.

And thank fuck I never had to see that jerk because someone blew the whistle on him to my parents. Someone caught him groping girl’s butts at the next family reunion.

Fast forward to 14 years of age

At the time, I didn’t know she had a drug abuse problem.

She was crushing medications she was to be taking orally, mixing them with water, and injecting them.

And I helped her do it, because I thought I was helping her get better.

I wanted her SO BADLY to get better.

I prayed so hard, being a devout christian.

I begged and PLEADED for her to get better so I could have my mom back, so we could be TOGETHER again. To have her bright smile and shitty ass jokes (After my mom came home from the attempted suicide, she would always joke about how she should’ve shot herself while holding a toy gun. Or called gangsters wimps for limping after getting shot. She was weird :) And I loved that about her), I just wanted my mom.

I was only a young teen, and I was starting to figure out my gender identity. I couldn’t go to my dad, I didn’t trust him like I trusted her.

I visited her constantly, she tried to teach me more about coloring and encouraged me to practice singing. She was my teacher ^^ And because of her, I clung to teachers and befriended them. My art teachers LOVED me, they did all they could to protect me from bullies that would throw erasers at me, ruin my projects, and draw on my posters. I loved all my teachers, they were kind and understanding and helped me get through the years while my mom was unable to.

My mom gave me all the love and support I could ever wish for. She never required me to be one way, but told me no matter if I was an atheist, satanist, if I was gay or straight, NO MATTER THE CHANGE, she would ALWAYS love me.

And it scared me when she ended up with a staph infection in her heart.

The surgery went well, she managed to recover. Doctors removed the infected valve with a pig’s valve. She came home, and I stuck by her side. 

I’d sneak in cigarettes when she asked.

And..my dad tried to turn me against my own mom with texts that I had no context to go by.

I can’t really remember the texts, but I remember feeling devastated. But I still did ANYTHING she asked. 

...I lost her when I was 16. 

The staph infection was back. She only had a 10% chance of surviving another surgery. 

My dad had to explain that to me, so I skipped school that day, December 8 of 2011, to be with her on her last day.

She wasn’t conscious. 

I remember sitting there numbly, not really paying attention to the tv in the room. My dad was in and out, as well as some nurses.

One by one, my great aunts, my second cousins, and my grandmother came to say their goodbyes. 

I overheard the nurse tell my dad that once they unplugged the machines, she would be dead.

But I think she was dead long before that. Brain dead. Her heart was pumping, but she wasn’t there. 

I broke down once my grandma told her sister that, after the nurse had unplugged the machine and left us alone, that she was gone. 

I could hear my second cousin break down too. He only got support from my mom, turns out he was disowned for being gay and my mom still treated him like a human being when nobody else would. It made me realize how much of a positive impact she was on the family, and we lost it. 

My school offered therapy, which I accepted. My therapist was sweet, she brought me snacks and she reminded me a lot of my mom with her tone and attitude. She helped me realize it wasn’t my fault my mom died, because I completely blamed myself.

I know now that it was due to her drug abuse, that the needles she used caused the infection.

But I didn’t know fully at the time. So when I did, I figured it was my fault. I helped her inject medicine she wasn’t supposed to, helped her with her abuse.

My dad pulled me out of therapy because he said I didn’t need it.

And in that SAME MONTH, when he found out I was considering cutting myself, he said, “If you’re gunna cut, do it right.”

Father of the year anyone?

Fast forward to her funeral.

Open casket. The last time I ever saw my mom in person.

My uncle, my mother’s only brother, sang a song in her honor. He was 27, a musician, and already had a son. Unfortunately, he too was a drug abuser.

I don’t blame him or my mom for their abuse, they hardly had a good foundation. My grandmother didn’t raise them. She was a horrible, vindictive, and petty person. She ignored her children in favor of strange men. My mom had to raise her little baby brother, and my mom had to deal with a woman who burned her clothes, broke her rock cds, and slashed her tires. Because Jesus.

I grew more attached to my uncle after my mom passed, he was the only other positive influence in my life. He was an amazing artist, he was like my mom in a lot of ways. He called me Nikki Six and laughed at my shitty jokes, he cried to me when my grandmother berated and insulted him or treated him like crap.

We were open with each other. He wanted to join the military, be a role model for his one year old son, Aiden. I still have the video where he sang an original song, Thumb Sucking Blues, while my little cousin tried to play along with him :) He was a small little guy, but literally had his thumb in his mouth the whole time :P

Aiden LOVED his dad. 

But because of his fiance’s drug use, he was taken from them. My mom was still alive when that happened, and we had supervised visitation with my cousin.

My uncle went to rehab to get clean, yet my grandmother continued to berate and degrade him.I supported him. I wanted him to be back home with US. My brother and I.

During this time...I got a phone call that terrified me. 

My biological dad called me.

And I panicked; I didn’t KNOW him, he was NEVER in my life, and after a few months of talking and TRYING to get to know him, he vanished. 

Turns out he’s been hiding for years to avoid paying child support.

But I wasn’t too hurt he abandoned me again. All we did was talk about anime we liked. I probably got my love of anime from him to be honest :P

My uncle eventually returned home, and all seemed great. He was a good father to his son, he got him back after his rehab (which I later found out it did fuck all for him because it was just another fucking church)

July 4th, 2012. I got a call from my grandmother because I was too tired to do fireworks that night. 

Police had found my uncle’s body in an alley way.

He died of overdose, according to autopsy.

SIX MONTHS after losing one person who supported me, I lost the other. 

He was cremated and my grandmother kept his ashes.

I was deist at the time, but I kept his bible, guitar picks, and the crappy religious coins he got from the “rehab.”

I have both my mom’s and my uncle’s bibles. 

I..fell into a hard ass depression. I kept reliving the moment my mom died, the moment I heard about my uncle, I...saw his body after the autopsy. Of course, they covered it mostly, but it still hurt SO much to see him lifeless.

I graduated high school and immediately went to college, just trying to get through the shit. I just...didn’t care anymore. I lost the only two people that supported me. Both lights, my artistic inspirations, my TRUE FAMILY, gone.

My brother moved in with our grandmother, he was fed up with dad’s abuse. I..was too blind to see how abusive he was. 

I took computer classes, he told me I should because it pays well. I personally found it fascinating on learning how to troubleshoot desktops, but programming was NOT my thing. I hated it.

I actually wanted to go into art, be an artist like my mom.

My dad?

“It’s not a REAL JOB.”

He shot down my passion for YEARS. I started college in 2014. 

After nearly a year of computer classes, I was convinced to switch my major to education because I’m good with kids.

Because to my dad, good with kids = I want to be a teacher.

Kids just like me, I’m not sure why. My cousin loved me, and my cousin on my DAD’S side of the family loved me. I had patience and kindness to kids, they’re little beans that just need guidance. I don’t snap, I DEFINITELY don’t lay a HAND on a child as discipline.

So, I went into education like he said. I was just...a robot. Too scared to pursue what I wanted to do.

But there was a shining light; the Coalition club on my campus. A Gay/Straight alliance club! I ended up as their secretary, designed stickers, kept schedules, and I met SO many amazing people in that club. I felt welcomed, I felt SAFE, I could be OPEN about my gender with them, since I was too scared to say anything to my dad.

When he found out I was involved with the group, he got pissed. He’d constantly pick fights with me about how I’m focusing too much on the group and failing my classes.

Funny thing; I had As and Bs on ALL my courses.

Pretty sure that’s passing.

But..he kinda bred me to be unable to handle confrontation well. Whenever someone yells at me or talks in a strict tone, I start to cry. 

So he’d always make me a sobbing mess nearly every day.

I locked myself in my room constantly. 

I had to quit asking him to take me to HEB for me to buy groceries because I couldn’t STAND him. I was too scared to be alone with him for ANY reason. I felt like he’d find something to make me cry and ruin my day, so..I would walk to a corner store to buy easy mac, eggs, bacon, maybe some frozen pizza if I could afford it. Most of my meals were pasta-related, it was cheaper than most items. Corner store pricing and all that ^^; 

I got a job in the work-study program as an AVID Tutor. Which helps students with their work from other classes. The students instantly clung to me, being the youngest teacher. 

That job didn’t last long ;v; Apparently a button up shirt and a long black skirt wasn’t teacher apparel??? I wore dress pants too, I fit the “female gender role.” But I was fired for not dressing professionally.

I ended up working at a subway in a flea market, and everyone was SO SWEET! They were fine with my gender, and I was even defended by a rides worker when a customer complained about me using the restroom.

I was deadass exhausted though. 

My dad forced me to do MAX college hours

While I also balanced a job.

The stress was KILLING me, but locking myself in my room where I could draw?

Being in a group that loved and accepted me?

It made life bearable.

But my dad eventually started getting after me about my job, that he DIDN’T consider a job because it was only on the weekends that it was open.

He started getting more aggressive with his fights. I would literally just WALK IN THE DOOR from work, exhausted because I have panic attacks (I had no idea I had panic disorder at the time), and he’d start fights about something. 

Be it because I was atheist or that he was pissed I was STILL in college (He’s a college dropout so I just think “.________________________. boi.”) 

A few months into 2016, I came out to my grandmother and my dad about being transgender.

My grandmother’s response? “You’re not transgender, you’re just fat!”

My dad? He didn’t really get it. He had to learn from his girlfriend because he sure as fuck didn’t listen to me when I explained it.

And he’d constantly ask about it, which didn’t bother me too much because I figured he was still confused. 

Then he started to dead name me.

MY ENTIRE LIFE, I was ALWAYS referred to with a gender neutral nickname. NEVER my first because I never liked my name. I hated it. I used to be called Nikki, now I just go by Nick or Nicholas :) Cause I love that name. 

HE.

In front of his LGBTQ+ friendly girlfriend.

referred to me with my FULL NAME.

And he did this TWICE.

I was too afraid to confront him, but his gf sure as fuck wasn’t. She was PISSED.

She put an end to that.

But things got worse after I sought out therapy to see if I qualified for HRT, Hormone Replacement Therapy.

And I did. 

My dad only got more angry when he saw the letter from my therapist saying I had Gender Dysphoria and that he recommend I take HRT.

He would, from then on,, badger me about my clothes, claiming it’s what 12 year old boys wear.

Despite I paid the internet bill AND his cable bill, he’d get after me for unwinding by playing games.

He spent a fuck ton of money on a new mustang to tinker with to make a drag race car, but not a new air conditioning system for a 50+ year old house with no insulation. So while he was away, and the temperatures rose (It’s texas, it’s ALWAYS hot), I was sweating and trying to keep cool with ice packs and frozen towels. But none of THAT mattered, because I’m irresponsible for playing video games after all my work was completed.

I didn’t tell him I was starting a youtube channel in an attempt to bring in extra money, because I was only paid a little over 120 a week.

But he’s bitch about pretty much EVERY aspect of me.

But I kept quiet, kept food in my room because I was too scared to leave my safe space in fear of him insulting me further. 

I literally asked for help on hiding food online.

After 2 more years of college, I got my associate’s in education and moved onto university for my bachelor’s.

I still didn’t want the major. But I didn’t really feel like I had a choice.

But this class I took, Child/Adolescent development, helped me realize how HORRIBLE and  ABUSIVE my dad is. 

I learned in that class about emotional and verbal abuse, and the effects it had on children and adults.

I began to stand up for myself, I’d argue back with my dad instead of letting him verbally abuse me with no repercussions. 

Anything I said? 

“Liberal Propaganda”

“Well, I put my religion first”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I thank my government teacher to this day for giving me the backbone I needed. She is a headstrong woman, refuses to be referred to as Miss, but prefers “Professor.” She had a PHD and she was passionate about her job and about human rights. 

It became a much more hostile home after I started fighting back.

He would challenge my moral compass, “An atheist should have no problem lying.”

He’d pick on my gender identity and choice of fashion, “You’re trying too hard to be transgender.”

And anytime I went to houston to see my brother and cousin? My grandmother made it worse. She’d pick on my hair, call me a devil worshiper, insult my weight (This woman forced me to eat more when I was on a diet, but I never called her out on it), she was as bad as my dad to where my brother took me to the mall to avoid any further argument.

In late 2017, my dad tried to pick on me in front of his friend, Bobby. Bobby was a long-time family friend, I grew up with his kids. He knew me since I was a child.

And his friend was NOT impressed with my dad, and HE accepted my gender and even tried to explain what he was doing was being a dickhead.

He didn’t listen.

It went on like that until early 2018. 

He called me out of my room and, once again, picked a fight with me because I’m part of an LGBTQ+ group, still in college, same bullshit.

But this time, he told me to pack up and leave, that I had two weeks to move.

I panicked.

I didn’t have the funds to move into an apartment with my current job.

I thought I was going to be homeless.

I called one of my friends in tears, and he asked his mother if I could take refuge there.

For a bit of context: I used to date him and I’ve met his family. His family had me over for the holidays, and kept me there for christmas eve and christmas day after I told my friend my dad BANNED me from celebrating the holidays with him because I’m an atheist.

And BOY was she PISSED. And his mom? Veteran Including his dad. BOTH are hard veterans that firmly believe in families sticking together. 

So the kicking me out?

It REALLY blew their gaskets.

They told me to pack all I needed and that they’d be there in two weeks.

Later that week, my dad apologized and said it was cruel to do that, but...

I couldn’t stay.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

I was tired of living in FEAR, you shouldn’t be hiding food in your room to eat because you’re too scared to come out. 

I told him I was leaving.

And what pissed me off? He tried to play VICTIM.

I moved out, and unfortunately had to quit my job because transportation issues. Ubers didn’t reach out this far and even if they did, it’d be like 30 bucks a trip.

With my wage? WHEEZE. Nope.

But a lady at the flea market gave me boxes and duct tape when I was packing to leave, just so I had places to put my stuff in. :)

I started counseling at A&M not too long after I moved into my new temporary home (I say as I’ve been here for nearly a YEAR ;-; and I feel bad but they’ve not kicked me out soooo....yay?)

And after a few session, my counselor told me to seek long term treatment, and she was helping me break free of my fear of asking for help and it’s thanks to her that I got to pursue the major of my dreams! I’m so thankful that I went to see her, because I went as SOON as I could to a medical clinic to talk to a psychiatrist.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar disorder, and Panic disorder.

I was prescribed medication.

And little by little, I was getting better.

I had already had my Bendice tumblr for a while and the more I drew, the better I felt.

And the artist community?

It’s been AMAZING! 

I’ve meet so many AMAZING people, from great friends to my art senpais. I’ve been getting better and better at honing my skills, and I feel like I really can be an animator someday.

Now, people are probably wondering why I dumped all this out.

Well...I know I’m not alone, but others might feel how I used to. 

Isolated

So very Hurt

Alone

And miserable.

I don’t want pity, I don’t want “there there”, I want to show people that might be feeling alone that they aren’t. That someone suffered just like them.

Be it for being gay

Transgender

Depressed

An artist

No matter the “why,’ all pain here is equal. 

It’s not insignificant.

YOU aren’t Insignificant.

All the pain and suffering we’ve all endured?

Is valid.

And we’re not pussies or wimps for feeling hurt.

And we’re not alone.

Thank you to those who read my entire shit storm ^^; I’ll admit I cried while writing this, but I feel good now! 

I hope my words and my story inspire someone out there to take the steps they need to better themselves, to escape toxic environments.

Because that shit SUCKS.

#Personal shit #(OOC) 𝑂𝑓𝑓 𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝐴𝑖𝑟 #tw negative thoughts #cw negativity #cw abuse #tw:death #tw drug abuse #tw suicide #LONG ASS POST #Sorry #Read at your own risk