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anistarrose · 22 days

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I think when a lot of queer people who aspire to marriage, and remember (rightly) fighting for the right to marriage, see queer people who don't want marriage, talking about not entering or even reforming or abolishing marriage, there's an assumption I can't fault anyone for having — because it's an assumption borne of trauma — that queers who aren't big on marriage are inadvertently or purposefully going to either foolishly deprive themselves of rights, or dangerously deprive everyone of the rights associated with marriage. But that's markedly untrue. We only want rights to stop being locked behind marriages. We want an end to discrimination against the unmarried.

We want a multitude of rights for polyamorous relationships. We want ways to fully recognize and extend rights to non-romantic and/or non-sexual unions, including but not limited to QPRs, in a setting distinct from the one that (modern) history has spent so long conflating with romance and sex in a way that makes many of us so deeply uncomfortable. And many of us are also disabled queers who are furious about marriage stripping the disabled of all benefits.

We want options to co-parent, and retain legal rights to see children, that extends to more than two people, and by necessity, to non-biological parents (which, by the way, hasn't always automatically followed from same-gender marriage equality even in places where said equality nominally exists. Our struggles are not as different as you think). We would like for (found or biological) family members and siblings to co-habitate as equal members of a household, perhaps even with pooled finances or engaging in aforementioned co-parenting, without anyone trying to fit the dynamic into a "marriage-shaped box" and assume it's incestuous. We want options to leave either marriages, or alternative agreements, that are less onerous than divorce proceedings have historically been.

I can't speak for every person who does not want to marry, but on average, spurning marriage is not a choice we make lightly. We are deeply, deeply aware of the benefits that only marriage can currently provide. And we do not take that information lightly. We demand better.

Now, talking about the benefits of marriage in respective countries' current legal frameworks, so that all people can make choices from an informed place, is all well and good — but is not an appropriate response to someone saying they are uncomfortable with marriage. There are people for whom entering a marriage, with all its associated norms, expectations, and baggage, would feel like a betrayal of one's self and authenticity that would shake them to their core — and every day, I struggle to unpack if I'm one of them or not. If I want to marry for tax benefits, or not. If that's worth the risk of losing disability benefits, in the (very plausible) possibility that I have to apply for them later in life. If that's worth the emotional burden of having to explain over and over, to both well-meaning and deeply conservative family members, that this relationship is not one of romance or sex. (Because, god, trying just to explain aromanticism or asexuality in a world that broadly thinks they're "fake" is emotional labor enough.)

Marriage is a fundamental alteration to who I am, to what rights an ableist government grants me, and to how I am perceived. I don't criticize the institution just because I enjoy a "free spirit" aesthetic or think the wedding industry is annoying, or whatever.

#to claim “gay marriage is assimilationist” is of course bullshit and ahistorical #but to claim “gay marriage is the last marriage reform we need” is even more bullshit. in the vein of “fuck you; i got mine”#amatonormativity #marriage #there's also something idk if i'm that qualified to articulate as a culturally christian person (even if nonreligious)#but concepts of marriage (or lack thereof) vary across the globe and across cultures #yet legal marriage - which crosses borders via presence in immigration law (in addition to obvious colonialism)#can impose extremely eurocentric norms onto countless people #which is a strong argument for separating spiritual/religious marriage from legal benefits tbh #they're *supposedly* separated in the US but you know obergerfell wouldn't have taken until 2015 if that was fully true

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novelconcepts · 4 months

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Another year, another absurd amount of books read (296, because if I wasn't reading or writing this year, my brain was on fire). I was asked again for my top books of the year, so here we go: 2023's top 10, in no particular order.

This was the first book I read of the year--literally, vacated the hangout with my wife and sibling-in-laws to sit on their couch upstairs and eat through it. Do you love The Fall of the House of Usher, but wish for a nonbinary protagonist and a lot more mushrooms? This is the book for you! (T. Kingfisher is fucking rad, I made a concerted effort to only list ONE of her books on here, but honorable mention goes to The Twisted Ones for fucking me upppp.)

A gay, post-apocolyptic Pinocchio retelling involving copious robots, found family elements, and a cool-ass treehouse. Klune always hits for me with his unrepentant queer family dynamics and sense of humor. Honorable mention to the first two in the Green Creek series (although that's got a lot more...adult elements in among the werewolves, you've been warned).

I thiiiink I found this through The Homo Schedule podcast (PSA: if you missed out on Jasmin Savoy Brown and Liv Hewson doing a podcast together, now you know better), and it wrecked my shit. Tons of trigger warnings, as this is a memoir about abuse within a queer relationship, but it's so beautifully written. I personally suggest listening to the audiobook first, then standing anxiously behind someone at a book warehouse sale, hoping they'll set down the only paperback copy so you can swipe it.

A fantastical-historical reimagining in which the KKK is filled with literal monsters, and Black women are resistance fighters armed to take them out. Visceral and intense, and truly an excellent horror story.

Just. Such a soft time travel story about a daughter and her father and cherishing the time you get with loved ones. I was thoroughly unprepared for how lovely I found this one. It's very kind.

Spooky house, take-no-shit redhead, protective sibling elements, bisexual recluse with a sword who really just needs a nap. I haven't found a Harrow book yet I haven't slapped five stars on. She's so good at character and atmosphere, and I'm always surprised at how fast her stories race by.

The whole Daevabad trilogy (of which this is the first book) is just magical. A girl from the mortal world finds herself embroiled with the centuries-long prejudices and wars of djinn in a fantastical city. It's one of the rare stories of its kind that does have a love triangle, but doesn't feel like a love triangle; it's far less interested in the insufferable "who gets picked" than it is in the actual horrors these people are both perpetrating and coping with. It's an intoxicating ride.

Fuck You, TERFS: the book. Given that fact, there's obviously quite a lot of transphobia to deal with, but it's very clear that those people are wrong, and it's a super-engaging (and super-oh-god-what-comes-next) witchy time populated with queer, protective, interesting characters I'm excited to see again in the follow-up.

Have you ever wanted a haunted house story with visceral imagery and a rather lovely twist? Gailey has you covered. As much as I enjoyed The Echo Wife, I think I actually loved this one more, and it makes me so excited to see what else they've got up their sleeve.

One of my final reads for the year, when I was just churning through hardcovers at the speed of sound. I love this book. I recognize it won't be for everyone, but it takes so much of what I love about IT (one of my all-time favorite books, despite its flaws) and twists it through the lens of an author who escaped the Mormon church. It's horrific, it's fantastically abstract in places, it explores childhood and memory, imagination and abuse, and almost every character is queer. It's a great "I simply cannot sleep until I've finished" read.

#long post #book recs #t kingfisher #tj klune #carmen maria machado #p djeli clark #emma straub #alix e harrow #s.a. chakraborty #juno dawson #sarah gailey #kiersten white #plenty of others could go on this list as well but i figured i'd keep it to ten this time around #still can't believe i read just shy of 300 books in a year #bonus shoutout to the animorphs series all of which is out on audiobook now (the main books anyway)#and which honestly really do hold up well

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jamiedc-they-them · 5 months

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R&R (Platonic)

Summary: Being the sibling of Carol Danvers has its perks, but also its downsides. One of them being pushed to the side you feel given your normalcy.

An// This story is a sort of vent about job hunting (currently ongoing for paying work. I do have a volunteer writing job which is ace and allows me to write articles about art!!! Genuinely loving it! Just also trying to find paying job for income as well.) and spiralled from there into a story about reconnecting, validation/repression of emotions, the struggles in a capitalist society, and community. Also, in terms of which character to use for this tale, was inspired by a story by @specialagentlokitty who wrote an incredible piece about Carol and Found family! Link for specific story will be here! Enjoy!

Also: This story deals with mentions of queer phobia (very quickly mentioned); mentions of previous alcoholism; and spoilers for “The Marvels”!

Please let me know if I’ve missed anything!

Story under “Keep Reading” which is below the gif!

You knew that finding any job would be hard, especially in a world has turned around as yours. With constant attacks and the whole blip thing, the job market was twisted (even more so) out of shape. There were people in your own boat – well, not totally, in your boat. You see, you had support. You were lucky, genuinely lucky. Carol being a massive part of SHIELD made sure you had some income to keep yourself afloat. It was enough to live and do things.

Still, it was coming up to about six months since your attempt to find a paying job. You had on and off work writing, though most was just for free - you didn’t mind that; built a portfolio after all – as you tried to find work doing anything. That was the hard part. That was also why you hated this system you lived under, but that was a whole other thing.

Your thoughts would spiral like this throughout the day. You’d wake up, send out resumes, do your part of the deal, then relax as much as you could – reading, writing, meeting who you could and when. It was a routine, and you liked routines.

There was a knock at your door. Your apartment wasn’t big at all. But, it was home. Or, as close as you could get with your budget. You opened the door, finding the person you wanted to see in front of you, rubbing her arm. She wore more casuals clothes. A white tank top and some jeans that had seen better days. Her expression brightened, however, when she saw you.

There was one person you wish you could see, however. Carol, your sister. She’d made sure you were looked after in her absence. That absence, however, was one that was ever growing larger and larger. Some days, you swore, you forgot what she sounded like – mistaking hearing her on the street for some stranger instead. It hurt you. Forgetting parts of the only family you had.

“Hey,” she said, voice soft as well as her smile. It felt nice, hearing your sister’s voice again. Though, with her being your sister, you could read her well – just as she could with you – so you knew something was up.

“Hey,” you parroted back, “what’s wrong?”

“Me? Nothing. Nothing,” she lied, “can’t I just visit my sibling?”

Despite knowing it was a lie, you smiled and opened the door up more. She entered your room. She looked around as you shut the door, trying the lock a few times, before finally getting it to work on the fifth attempt.

“SHIELD still helping you out?” Your sister asked as she turned to you, watching as you shook your hand a bit in pain when you accidentally trapped a bit of skin in the lock.

“As much as they can for a civ.”

“Thought they offered you a position?” She asked in confusion.

“They did,” you clarified, “I just didn’t take it.”

“Why not?”

“Just didn’t seem like what I’d wanna do. That’s more your thing.”

“It involves writing,” she said, eyebrows showing the confusion.

“I know it did. I just…it didn’t feel right, you know? You know how I feel about places like that,” you knew Carol did. Sometimes you both just needed a reminder about each other. You with her voice. Her with your beliefs.

She nodded, “I do. That’s fair.”

You still had that nagging feeling that something was wrong, “you wanna go for a walk?” You offered. She was a bit jittery. Arms swinging. Hands coming together, then apart.

Carol nodded, and you saw a part of her be relieved at the mere idea of movement.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

You both left your apartment. No one really recognised Carol. She was thankful for it. For once, she could just be Carol Danvers and not Captain Marvel. She could just be a normal – as normal as she could be, given everything – human. She could just go on a walk with her sibling.

However, that sibling knew something was wrong. And while she had always advised them to talk about what was bothering them, she was not exactly one to take her own advise always.

“Carol?” Her head shot over to you. You were looking at her with concern now. She wiped at her eyes. No tears, but she could feel them wanting to start pooling.

“You ok?” She asked, hoping to dodge a sort of bullet of not talking about the whole…Monica thing. Maria was hard enough…this just added to it. At least Kamala and reconnecting with Monica was a bright light and —

“All good,” she assured you, “all good.”

“You sure?” you pressed.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure,” she threw in a smile – one of the ones she’d give to people you underestimated her when she was a pilot.

You nodded, but the concern didn’t fully leave your eyes.

“What were you saying?” Carol asked.

“Just that I wish I started the look sooner, you know?”

Carol shrugged, “you can’t help how your brain was at the time either. Or…before that. Sorry. Been a while.”

You nodded, a sadness lingering in your gaze – she hated that look. It stung her too, “I know.”

She cleared her throat. This wasn’t going as well as she wanted it too. Not as smoothly. For either Danvers sibling.

“Hey,” she said, nudging you a bit, “how about in there?” She said, pointing to an old bar that wasn’t too far away form your apartment. The walk itself had been about half an hour, silence being there for most of it as you both seemed to sit in your own worlds.

You nodded, “I’m only having one. Then soft from then out.”

“Yeah?”

You nodded, “been working on cutting down.”

“I’m glad,” she was truthful there, “was scaring me a bit.”

You were. You were scaring yourself, and part of her could tell – but she could only truthfully say it as full on scaring her. The amount you were downing drinks wise with her. At the start, it was just social drinking, but that soon lapsed into something else. Something dangerous. She clocked it in your apartment, the lack of beer cans on the floor; and the way your skin looked healthier. You looked healthier. She was glad, honestly. Her sibling was doing, somewhat, better. She was glad that you were.

You entered the bar. It was late in the afternoon, and so a few people were in there already. Some regulars nodded at you, saying that they missed you. You just smiled and made some small talk yourself. Carol smiled at the sight. You had people here. She was glad you did. Your own little extended pool of people. She had them too. Kamala and Monica. It was nice, having them. Only one of them was g-

“What’s your poison?” You asked, looking back at Carol. She saw a twinkle in your eye. Some energy to you now. She knew it was part of your introverted self just being a chameleon, but she also clocked part of it being this establishment.

“Been gone so long I forgot,” she joked, even if it was only a half one.

She mirrors your smile, “then it’ll be that, then,” she said back in return, nudging you as well.

You nudged her, “normally just go with what I order,” you tease.

You went up to order. She sat at a table. She saw the barman give you a look that seemed to hold a warning, before it became a lighter one at something you said to him. He nodded, seemingly pleased, before pouring the drink for you both. Some ale type alcohol. Not her favourite, but maybe it would be with everything she’d tasted on her journey across the universe. She learned valuable lessons about not just sticking her tongue onto things. Both from herself, and Goose.

You came back with the drinks, putting one down in front of her, and sitting opposite her on the small table she had found. It was cozy. Both the atmosphere of the place, and the table itself.

“I missed you, too,” she said, putting her hand on one of yours after her own sip, “had Fury update me on you as much as I could. Signal was a bit dodgy in a few areas.”

“I missed you,” you said, taking a sip of your drink, looking at Carol for a moment, before back down to the drink; as if the words would anger her in some way.

You smiled a bit. You liked Fury. He was a good friend. He seemed a lot happier with this whole SWORD business than he did with SHIELD. Apparently that was in the hands of someone else now. Someone trusted. Something Mackenzie.

“You see anything exciting?” You asked, hoping to keep the conversation going.

Carol thought about it, like genuinely did, “some cool races of people. Most of them friendly. Had some problems with finding the Skrull a home.”

“How come?”

“I –” she paused. It was all coming back to her. The memories. The way she snapped at Kamala. The apology to the prince. The meeting with Valkyrie, a lot of things going unspoken between the two – cheek kiss aside.

“You can tell me,” you said, squeezing the hand that Carol had placed on yours.

She looked at you, eyes glistening a bit, “they lost their home, Y/N.”

You only squeezed your sister’s hand again.

You titled your head, glad your sister was being open with you, “her name’s Kamala,” she smiled softly, gripping your hand to try and ground herself, “she’s sweet. Got this cool power. My biggest fan. Seriously, you should’ve seen her room –“

“I had a – a friend come back to help them. Met up with Lieutenant Trouble and a young kid. We — we became a good team.”

“You were in her room?”

“By accident. We had a thing where our powers would make us swap. Hole in the universe will do that to you.”

“Sure,” you allowed – mind buzzing with ideas for stories already.

Carol clocked it, “ideas for your sequel?”

You narrowed your eyes a bit, trying to figure out how best to break the news to Carol, “sort of.”

“‘Sort of’?”

“Yeah. Sort of still writing the first.”

“Oh. Ok, that’s cool. How’s the writing coming along, other than that?”

You moved your head from side to side, “sometimes I’ll get lucky. Just need to get lucky with a paying job, then I can do more of the writing part, you know?”

Carol nodded, understanding the logic. Find income, then try make the dreams come true – and you had somewhat already, which she was glad of; but she also knew that it would start out this way, small bits to hopefully build up to a full on career that paid.

“That’s fair —“ she then clocked what you had said, “wait…you’re still looking?”

“Job market’s bit of a mess. Trust me, if I could go up into space, find some alien planet where either rent ain’t extortionate; or a place where the creative arts could give you a proper start and was respected by a ruling system and its people, I’d go in an instant.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, squeezing your hand.

You looked at her with confusion, “why are you sorry?”

“I was gone a while. I could’ve helped.”

You shrugged, “you’re a superhero. That comes first.”

Despite no biting tone, she still flinched at the words, “not when it comes to you. Not when it comes to family.”

“I’m not angry at you, C,” you assured.

“I would be.”

“I’m not you.”

“I know.”

“Monica’s gone,” she blurted out. She then burped. Then she looked up at the ceiling, “she’s not dead. She’s just…not here right now. The Khan’s helped set me up. I —” she took another large gulp, this time finishing the drink.

You let the silence hang for a minute, taking a drink. Carol beat you on the gulp she took. Seemed her body just processed liquor better than yours.

You took a moment to process what she had said. Your niece was…somewhere else? After just reuniting with Carol as well – you didn’t have a chance to —

“It’s not your fault,” you said to your sister. Your sister looked at you and sniffled, breaking the hand hold and rubbing at her eyes.

“I know,” she said, “I’m just…I’m just sad.”

“That’s understandable,” you validated, “it’s a lot.”

Carol chuckled, “yeah…yeah, it is,” she allowed herself that, before looking at you.

“I’m sorry about your struggle with work,” she said.

You waved her off, “ah, it’s nothing, compared to —”

“No,” she said, using her older sister tone, “no, don’t do that.”

“Well, don’t do that,” you said, nodding your head to her empty beer.

“It’s only one,” she defended.

“Sometimes that’s all it takes.”

“I’m not you,” she didn’t even think about saying that – just as much as she didn’t think that much about touching the surge of energy that brought herself, Kamala, and Monica together.

You flinched a bit. Her face fell at it, “I’m sorry,” she said instantly.

You waved her off, “don’t be. It’s true. You’re not me. I just worry.”

“I can pay —“

“It’s not that, C,” you say, “I’m just…projecting.”

“Can I ask why?”

“Takes my mind off the whole, job hunt, thing.”

Carol nodded. It was why she was gone for so long too, trying to fix – or fixate on – something else to distract from other issues. From other things. In your case, your sister and your worry for beer consumption; for her, freeing the Kree from control, then plunging it into a civil war and dealing with all of that.

You took another gulp from your drink. Your one was nearly done as well.

“You wanna soft drink, or a half?” She asked, getting up, hoping to god her card still worked. Fury had to show her how to work it, so it should work, right?

“Carol, no —“

“Hey,” she put her hands on the table, “you paid for the first round, now it’s my turn, ok?”

You wanted to debate further, but instead found yourself conceding and letting her go to the bar after telling her you wanted a half.

She returned in a small bit, half a pint for you, full one for herself.

“Monica’s trapped in another dimension,” Carol revealed, “there’s no way to get her back; at least, not right now, anyway. Kamala gave me her number, helped me learn how to use a phone.”

You snorted, rubbing your then sore arm after Carol hit it, “I’m serious. How you survive with that stuff, I don’t fully understand.”

“It’s simple —“

“For a human.”

“Take that back.”

“No.”

“Just because you have powers.”

“Could still beat you in wrestling without them.”

“We going back that far?”

“Oh, you bet we are.”

“You cheated later in life.”

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

“Not.”

“Did.”

“You brought in Maria!”

“She was on your side!”

“Yeah, until I started winning.”

“Hey! That’s as her choice.”

“Whatever you say, C.”

You both took a moment to breathe, before you both chuckled. You knew some words were a bit harsher than intended, and the walk down memory lane wasn’t all fun, and yet you chuckled anyway.

“I’m sorry,” Carol said first, “for the ‘human’ comment. You aren’t weak.”

“I’m sorry for bringing up Maria. And for Monica.”

“She asked about you,” she admitted.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Wanted to know how her…pibling?” You nodded at the correct term, “yeah, Kamala explained that one. She’s eager to meet you. Thinks you’re awesome already. Think she’s now a bigger ‘stan’ of you, than me.”

“I have my moments.”

“You have a lot of moments,” she corrected instantly.

You nodded, your brain not being as cold to you as it normally was when you got compliments like that. Still, Carol saw a part of your smile dim a bit as your brain attacked.

“‘Pibling’,” someone across from you scoffed, “what a dumb term.”

“Excuse me?” Carol demanded, looking at them coldly. You just sighed. You were used to this, too. A job interview once ended with someone scoffing at your identity.

The person in question looked at Carol’s challenge, “you heard me, it’s dumb.”

“And this effects you, how?”

“Policing what people say.”

“Ok, you know what —“

That person was forced to leave. You and Carol left not long after him. The barman apologised, but checked that you both were ok before you left. Carol let you answer, as it was you the person had an issue with.

You both went back to your apartment. You collapsed on your mattress. It was a decently sized one, meaning Carol too could fall onto it, which she did.

“I’m sorry about that arsehole.”

“I’m used to it.”

“You shouldn’t be, though.”

“Yeah. I know. Glad I didn’t get the job where that happened to me, to be honest.”

“Where was it?”

“Can’t remember now. Drowned in sea of other applications.”

Carol reached out, taking your hand in her own, “you’ll find something. I know you will. I’ll do what I can to help you.”

“It’s fine. I don’t —“

“You don’t need to do this alone. Help isn’t the worst thing in the world. Trust me, I thought being alone would help me fix things. It didn’t.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

You readjusted yourself, so that Carol and you were facing each other, “that’s the fate of the world. This —”

“Is something highly important in your world. It’s horrible, and I’m sorry it’s not gone the way you wanted it to. But, I’m here, ok? I’ll do what I can.”

You looked at your sister, both thankful for her company, but also worried about her fiery determination and how it could backfire on her, “you know the weight of the world don’t rest on your shoulder’s, right? You can take a break, too.”

Carol sighed, but found herself nodding, “I know,” she conceded, “I’m glad I’m here, with you. Would I be able to maybe have you come with me to the farm? We could work on it together? Maybe something local there can help? Something out of the city.”

You considered it. You were never fully a city person, minus the friends you had here. And you could always visit.

“I’d like that,” you said, squeezing Carol’s hand.

“I’d like that too,” your sister said, smiling brightly.

There was a lot of lost time to make up for. A lot of new people to meet. But, you had each other. That hadn’t changed.

You’d find your way through it. Carol knew you would. Just as she would. You always would.

And, you’d always be there to catch each other when you stumbled.

Always.

PART II

#carol danvers x reader #carol danvers imagine #Carol Danvers x sibling!reader #x sibling!reader #sibling!reader #platonic reader #platonic fic #mcu x reader #mcu imagine #mcu x you #carol danvers x sibling!reader #carol danvers x you #carol danvers x y/n #captain marvel x you #captain marvel x reader #captain marvel imagine #captain marvel

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alovelywaytospendanevening · 2 months

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Oh hello! I thought I would just ask you what you thought about Brian Masters' biography of EF Benson? I'm about a third of the way through and my mind is buzzing with it!

Hey! I think it captured his life rather well, and the writing style is pleasant and accessible. It's a good introductory reading not only for those who want to know about Fred, but also about the Benson family, considering his parents and siblings are figures with constant presence, and they were quite an interesting lot. His relationship with Arthur is wonderful, since they were very different men, but clearly fond of each other.

I do wonder about some Masters' takes, though. It's worth mentioning this book was published in 1991, and the world has changed a lot since then. For instance, Masters wrote that "Inevitably, a few of the fans claimed David Blaize as their own for reasons Fred would genuinely abhor, and he would not have been pleased to learn that the novel is still on the list of homosexual book clubs. Clearly, it does not belong there, for it contains nothing overtly erotic and, indeed, bases its theme upon the purifying power of goodness."

Well, we know Fred was a reserved guy. He also wasn't very lefty, certainly not some social activist who's trying to change the rules of society. But I don't think he would’ve rejected his "gay writer" contemporary status, nor the more accepting situation of homosexuality in the current Western world.

He wasn't nearly as much repressed as Arthur and Hugh. He was well-connected in homosexual circles too, and not really religious. I think there's a strong possibility his "sphinx mode" was just a way he found to live his life more freely, without having to bother about the repercussions (including among his family) of his “sneaky” actions. His Capri vacations seem to indicate this, and to me it's clear he had sex with men (Eustace Miles and Francis Yeats Brown are obvious suspects). He wasn't a prude, like Masters stated, but he did live in a prude world. He probably would’ve enjoyed to live in a more relaxed reality like ours, which explains why he seemed so fixated on his childhood experiences.

Sometimes I wish he had the guts to push boundaries, particularly at the end of his life. I feel Ravens' Brood could've been a truly groundbreaking work if only he had allowed himself to be more frank and honest about the subject he wanted to talk about. But then again, Fred wasn't a revolutionary type, he was a man who enjoyed his conventional status in society. The likes of David Blaize and The Inheritor were already risqué enough for him.

By the way, there’s another E. F. Benson biography called As He Was, by Geoffrey Palmer and Noel Lloyd. I only read a few parts of it, but their take on David Blaize seems spot on:

Never had a character taken him over so completely, never had he written with such lack of inhibition about himself. True, it was himself as a boy, but it was a true, clear picture of adolescent passions. He thought he could do it by depicting himself under the name of David Blaize as he really had been, or had wanted to be, all those years ago: yellow-haired, sunny-natured and of an unbelievable goodness.

A Very Queer Family Indeed by Simon Goldhill is another interesting book about the Benson family. I find it much less accessible and more academic-y than Masters’ book, though.

#ask #e. f. benson #benson family

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thecultofcupid · 5 months

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ROTTMNT Headcanons:

i decided that i wanted to infodump about my headcanons for the turtles specifically :> due to the fact that I am a fictive, this is influenced a little bit by our fictives/exomemories. but YEAH i just wanted to ramble a lot and you should go stream rottmnt and support the team bcuz it deserves all the love in the world yeah ok lets go

Leo

extremely transmasc. like this guy is so transmasc

uses he/him pronouns exclusively but would probably accept being misgendered purely for comedic effect (only by his family or friends tho)

says he's bisexual but he prefers to call himself queer

tell me this man does not have ADHD you can't

acts superior to hide his debilitating inferiority complex

struggles with insomnia. has developed ways of managing his sleeping problems, but they still win out every now and then

Post-Movie

deals with PTSD-related dissociation. it's pretty damn bad

the WORST internalized ableism you've ever seen

loses the arm anyway. my headcanon is that krang prime got ahold of it as his siblings were pulling him out of the portal

the worst patient you've ever seen. he is constantly plotting escape

almost constantly wearing a knee brace. he's supposed to use crutches but often tries to get away with not doing so. has a wheelchair for bad pain days but he refuses to use it most of the time bc he's stubborn

insomnia gets way worse, partly due to night terrors and partly due to chronic pain. sleep does not come easy to this guy

Raph

bigender; she/him pronouns with a preference for fem terms

likes who she likes; doesn't feel the need to put a label to his sexuality

she is autistic bc I said so

PLURAL!! she has OSDD-1a and has a system of 3 or 4 other alters not including herself (Mind Raph is kind of up in the air for me, but the others are Little Red, Angel, and Savage)

dislikes swearing, in part because Little Red picks up on it and will not stop once he starts /hj

Post-Movie

blind in right eye bc of the krang

most of his complications are PTSD related; nightmares, dissociation, etc

was always a bit mindful of his size compared to his surroundings/family, but after the movie, it becomes a lot more prevalent. she is terrified of hurting her loved ones again

nerve damage in one arm from opening the portal; causes pain/numbness/tingling and minor muscle spasms. Donnie made compression gloves to help with this

Mikey

genderfluid; shifts between she/he/they pronouns

aroace

ADHD

LOVES body art. will always have something new painted onto his arms or plastron

since he can't really reach his carapace to paint on it, he convinces his siblings to let him paint on theirs. will often be found in Donnie's lab painting their carapace while they work

loves hanging out in Donnie's lab while they work

Post-Movie

suffered the worst in terms of damage to his arms

deals w chronic fatigue and brain fog after opening the portal

wears compression gloves from Donnie almost 24/7. has to be reminded to take them off

Donnie

nonbinary/autigender. uses they/them pronouns primarily, but also uses he/him and it/its on occasion. loves telling people that they "identify as a threat"

THE disaster bisexual

WEAPONIZED AUTISM

doesn't get enough sleep not because they're an insomniac, but because they hyperfixate on projects for days at a time and will not sleep until either a) they're done working, b) one of their siblings forces them to go to bed, or c) they simply crash on their desk out of exhaustion

for a self-proclaimed genius, they're not very good at taking care of themselves

has nonverbal episodes and uses sign language to communicate during them. however, he and Leo both learned morse code as well so they could have their own "secret language" that only they understood

the worst eyesight. like it's god awful. they wear custom-made contacts when they're outside the lair, but they also have glasses for days when they can't be bothered

has bitten every member of his family at least once

has eaten the family goldfish before (not Piebald)

has claw-like scars across their carapace from the shredder. change my mind

Post-Movie

scarring on carapace from Technodrome and being ripped from the control panel. it looks worse than it is

has trouble eating due to sensory issues

suffers from tactile hallucinations. has to have something on their shell at all times

has seizures resulting from the Technodrome connecting with his central nervous system

that's all i have rn. there's so many headcanons that I didn't include here just cus it'd be a mess but pls ask me questions cus I love talking about these guys. and ofc ask questions about other characters as well, not just the turtles!! i wanna do more art featuring some of our headcanons as well so look forward to that >:))

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atthebell · 3 months

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I'm going to be honest, I had some problems with ships because of how much most of the content were most ships in other Fandom I've been in(I'm not really romance repulsed but sometimes is a bit overwhelming for me), so I tend prefer platonic/found families relationships

Honestly, I'm surprised by how I started to like the qsmp ships, but that's not the point of this. But honestly, I just wished some people stopped getting some things too literal, yeah, Cellbit and Baghera called Phil dad, so did Pac call Tubbo mom. Have you never called a friend, who might be the same age as you, things like mom or dad as a joke? It doesn't mean you see that person as a parental figure, they are just joking because they are friends and that doesn't mean they are less important to each other, but that's not the relationship they have. Yes, sometimes you see friends as siblings and such, but friends can be family even if you don't see them as siblings or parental figures, they still as important

Honestly, I miss the start of morning crew when the joke of Tubbo being fitpac's kid being simply that, a joke that was funny to see, but I never saw him as their son. The same goes to saying that about Cellbit and Baghera to Phil, just a joke of the moment, not a serious thing of how they interact or view each other

(Sorry for the rambling, it was not supposed to be that long, and sorry for bad English)

yes people cannot understand a joke and it's endlessly frustrating like cellbit and baghera have both explicitly said they do not view phil as their dad but people have fucking brainrot and can't let the idea go because they're so obsessed with a traditional family dynamic.

also i get that usually shipping is very prevalent in fandom, but here's my thing: in terms of the wider audience of a piece of media, most people are not actually engaging in fandom. they watch or read or play the thing, talk about it a little with friends, and that's it. fandom and shipping are a small percentage of how most people engage with things-- they just seem huge because, well, this is the fandom website, and to some extent that's what twitter is as well. and fandom has been becoming a more popular way to engage with media in the last couple decades.

but to my larger point, shipping is very common within fandom itself as a whole, that is true. but in mcyt fandom, it has been incredibly unpopular, due to concerns about rpf and various other issues that are to some extent fair and to other extents incredibly overblown. so as someone who's experienced mcyt fandom prior to qsmp, i am ECSTATIC to have shipping be this popular. i can't even explain to you how easy it was for people to get cancelled or called out or whatever for having two adult minecraft roleplay characters even just kiss prior to this fandom. people were fucking insane about this, and to some extent still are.

that's not me trying to tell you off for your preferences, it's totally fine to not be into shipping, but in terms of what it's been like for YEARS in this mega-fandom dealing with people attacking people for being interested in romantic pairings, qsmp is a breath of fresh air. so it feels really shitty to have twitter users (and some tumblr users) STILL have this mindset that shipping is inherently sexual or inherently evil, and that sexuality is gross and bad. like. to me it's very indicative of reactionary politics on the left, that a bunch of young queer people think its okay to shame people for being interested in queer relationships and sex and insist on traditional family dynamics. so i would much rather have a far more free fandom with more shipping and less prudishness than to have one where, for instance, a cc gets driven off the platform for saying she doesn't mind shipping (aka what happened to zombiecleo). again, i'm not saying you can't have your preferences, that's totally fine, nonnie, but in the larger context of how mcyt fandom has been for a bit, i think the focus on platonic and familial relationships is indicative of how toxic this fandom gets about shipping and sexuality.

and again, it's all bad interpretation. cellbit jokingly slipping up calling phil his dad is not an in-character freudian slip-- he's doing it to be funny, because phil gave him something he needed and phil is always doing that, and cellbit knows about the dadza jokes. baghera being pathetic and wanting to live in phil's house does not mean she wants to be his daughter; it means she wants to fuck around and be silly and pathetic and also wants to spend time with phil because she enjoys spending time with people. people are taking their incredibly biased interpretations of what's happening and then attempting to pass them off as the objective truth.

sorry for the ramble back this stuff irritates me so bad

#asks #anons #i have a post about the shipping thing hold on let me find it #and about the interpretation stuff

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gummybugg · 7 months

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i keep seeing you post about the mice come out at night but i still don't know what it's about

As a joke I was going to put "even I don't know what it's about" but that won't due since I began writing it yesterday hehehe! There's no excuse not to give a serious answer!

It's a wip still in its baby stages, but I can give it all I got for a solid rundown! ✨️ (btw it's very scarcely mentioned in my pinned post, but I can elaborate a bit more)

So strap onto your seat belt and grab an unalcoholic beverage because I'm about to go on an incoherent ramble about mice, men, ghosts, and cajun culture:

Also, there is an intersection between Cajun culture and queerness. They are both things Morgana is ashamed of. He wants to fit in, get rid of his "embarrassing" accent, and just live his life under wraps. But that's kind of impossible when he finds a family of ghosts haunting his home. Through the tragic telling of their deaths, they help Morgana realize that he must cherish what little time he has to live and to live his life unabashedly. And keep telling stories. Be the person younger You needed. Don't hide yourself/don't be embarrassed. You're not living life for others, but for yourself. Stop appealing to those in charge. Do what makes you happy and you will find your company.

Morgana is a closeted trans guy living in Louisiana who drops out of college because it makes him depressed af. He needs a change, so he decides to move out into this conveniently affordable haunted home with what little funds he has left until he can make a living. But it's a *haunted* house (you know, typical spooky Louisiana lore), and he must find a balance between the spirits and finding meaning in his life.

It's a coming of age story but lowkey the plot of a Christmas Carol if you turn your head 90 degrees and squint really hard. Like the ghosts go "Morgana stop being an idiot and just live your life already" but he's like "but everyone will hate me and ill probably die or something" and they go "then it's a win-win for us."

We also get featured scenes/themes such as: Morgana's clown-core clairvoyant sibling Tooth, who can actually see what tf is going on (Morgana can't, he didn't get the ghost-seeing genes); a gay ghost wedding between the two father figure ghosts (Addison and Vincent); found footage of a broken household (relatable things); sibling power; gender euphoria; funny trans moments such as a pun about "dead names" (come on, it's FUNNY); acceptance; and found family.

For now, though, the story is on hold until I can get a better understanding of it and the direction I want to take it. I'm also writing it now, but yeah! Thank you for asking, this really helps me get a better picture of this project!

I plan to expand upon the Cajun culture as it is the entire reason I began this project (to not let the culture fade away). Culture, along with identity, go hand in hand with how we should be proud of our backgrounds instead of shy away from it to conform. Go and learn about those before you, and you will feel less alone instead of brooding in your college dorm, counting down the days until graduation!!

I think this sums up the premise, but I can keep going if there are any questions. I am always eager to share about my stories!

I have huge aspirations for this (and many of my other projects), as I plan on implementing many forms of media into this story (if the stars align and this takes off). Such as photographs, audio files, journal entries, blah blah. I was also thinking of being fancy and dropping a few lines of poetry/literature that inspired this story at the start of each section if this story goes anywhere.

But yeah, so thanks a lot for the ask! I really appreciate it :')

#thanks for the ask!#the mice come out at night wip #mouse wip #writing #my wip #always happy for wip questions #gives me the right amount of energy to jumpstart on my work #yippee

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juicingbeetles · 1 year

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tell me more about this 'buddy daddies' thing you're posting a lot about? it looks interesting! 👀 any good?

(Vibrating like a caffeinated hummingbird)

It's an anime that currently airing, in which two asassins accidentally aquire a child during a job and decide to raise her together. They're roommates (oh my god theyre roommates) and while neither have any real idea how to raise a child, they're doing their best. (One of my favorite moments in the show is when they discover what's basically Japanese Walmart and are super stoked). While ostensibly a comedy, the show is pretty realistic in the problems they encounter, from daycare to, um, killing people?

The characters are pretty good too! Miri (the child) has been called "annoying" by some, but she is a fairly realistic 4 year old in my opinion, as someone with younger siblings.

Kazuki is a wonderfull character too, he loves to cook and does most of the housework (never beating the malewife allegations). He has a lot of hidden pain where children and family are concerned, which lead to some *angst*.

Rei comes off as a cold-blooded killer at first, but he's just a very introverted dude who loves video games. He also has trauma, and its really neat to see him healing his inner child by helping to raise one.

And finally, this show is queerplatonic as fuuuuuuck. Kazuki and Rei could be read as gay, but they are also great as just two dudes raising a child. There's no cringy awkwardness of Miri having two dads, either. The guys dont have the rampant sexual tension of say, Yuri and Victor, which is why I tend to read them as platonic, but the fact remain they are literally living together raising a child. In conclusion, queer found family. I love it sooo much.

This show has been touted as "gay Spy×Family" but the similarities are honestly pretty surface level. But just like that show, the wholesomeness and humor are off the charts.

Does that cover everything? This got pretty rambly at the end there

#buddy daddies #asks

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duckprintspress · 1 year

Text

Saturday Releases: All-New Stories by Nicola Kapron and Annabeth Lynch!

This week, we’re welcoming in spring with two very nature-oriented tales: one of the forest, grown wild and out of control, and one of the creatures that play amidst the fireflies during a hot summer night.

Dead Man’s Bells by Nicola Kapron

Dark Fantasy, M/NB, Demonic Possession (Voluntary)

The vines were alive. They writhed like snakes as he ran a hand over them. As one, they untangled themselves from the shrouded shape of the spear. A few even dropped off entirely and nudged at his ankles. Underneath, the weapon gleamed with the soft, wet shimmer of fresh growth.

Around it, he could make out the silhouette of something that was almost human. Luminous green eyes. Roots wrapped tightly into the shape of arms, legs, musculature. Foxglove flowers blooming in the hollow of a throat.

A forest demon persisting long after it had been cut down and sanded into a useful shape.

Beautiful, Liam thought. This feeling might be awe. If he didn’t need to keep moving forward, toward it, he would have fallen to his knees.

For a moment, the ringing paused, and the vines slowed in their movements. “I am not dead,” said the voice that wasn’t his own. “You did not kill me. Even like this, you cannot tame me. Raise me, and I will live again.”

Follow Liam as his life intertwines with that of the verdant growth possessing the basement of his family’s manor. Read Dead Man’s Bells now!

Away With the Fairies by Annabeth Lynch

Modern with Magic, Siblings and Family, Fae/Fairy Kidnapping (Consensual)

“Why do the lightning bugs only fly up?” I asked Linda.

“Not all of them do. But this kind produces light as they fly. They’re sending signals to the others,” she said, coming to look at the ones I grabbed. “They’re telling each other things with the lights.”

“Like what?”

“Like what kind they are, or if they’re boys or girls, or whether they want to have babies. They talk by flashing. That’s why they blink.”

“What about that one?” I pointed at a fast-moving one. “That one isn’t blinking at all.”

Linda looked at the one I pointed at. She watched it for a long time, waiting for its light to blink off.

It didn’t.

What have Linda and her sister Suzy found amidst the fireflies (spoilers…it might be in the title…)? Read Away With the Fairies and find out!

Love works featuring nature spirits, fae, and fairyfolk? These two aren’t the only ones in our catalog! Check out our anthologies Add Magic to Taste, He Bears the Cape of Stars, and She Wears the Midnight Crown, or…

Let the Solstice Come by D. V. Morse (historical with magic, elementals are enslaved by humans, rebellion)

The Fairy Garden by Rhosyn Goodfellow (modern with magic, child point of view, fae and fairyfolk)

A Glimmer of Hope by Nina Waters (modern with magic, m/m, novel-length, angst with a happy ending)

Who we are: Duck Prints Press LLC is an independent publisher based in New York State. Our founding vision is to help fanfiction authors navigate the complex process of bringing their original works from first draft to print, culminating in publishing their work under our imprint. We are particularly dedicated to working with queer authors and publishing stories featuring characters from across the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Love what we do? Want to make sure you don’t miss the announcement for future giveaways? Sign up for our monthly newsletter and get previews, behind-the-scenes information, coupons, and more!

Want to support the Press, read about us behind-the-scenes, learn about what’s coming down the pipeline, get exclusive teasers, and claim free stories? Back us on Patreon or ko-fi monthly!

#duck prints press #new release #short story #our titles #nicola kapron #m/nb #family feels #annabeth lynch

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obscurecharactershowdown · 11 months

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Group E Round 1

[image ID: the first image is of Zinn, a creature made of a mass of dark tendrils and many eyes. the second image is of Victor Spooky, a noir detective wearing a red and purple fedora and purple trench coat, that dissolves into red and purple smoke around him. end ID]

Zinn

(Note: The author mostly uses it/its pronouns to refer to Zinn but have used 'he' and 'they' a couple times.) Zinn is a creature called a Monstrum who is a type of alien from a world made out of light. Due to unknown circumstances their universe was breeched by enemies who devoured their peaceful existence. In turn, the Monstrum were exiled and stripped of their forms. Somehow, Zinn ended up in a Steampunk adjacent world and came to be lovers with a powerful human women called the Shaman Empress. Their relationship, while described as tender, may have been one sided. Zinn loved her dearly, only referring to her as "The Beloved' but it is implied that she used it for her own deeds/gaining knowledge and power. Monstrum drain energy from anything they touch so they are incompatible with the mortal realm. Zinn inhabits the Shaman Empress's bloodline and is passed down through generations to minimize(?) damages. Eventually Zinn gets passed down to the main character who. in simple terms, as not to get sidetracked, is a Girlboss, capital G. She is a descendant of the Shaman Empress, technically making them blood family. Which is kind of hillarious. Imagine this tentacle creature being like "Hello. Yes I am your great-grandfather. Let us kill and consume flesh". They pick up a rag tack bunch of other characters( not limited to a necromancer cat, a psychic kitsune child, a brooding guy with crow wings, gay furry tiger pirates) and they are so found family… image link Zinn, despite not being too well-versed in human culture cares for them all the same. It has so many funny interactions with the cast, particularly the Kitsune girl, Kippa (as it does not understand her cheerful and positive attitude). Examples: -https://64.media.tumblr.com/ab33f45b9506033cdec6a6a2a9d55655/baa027673994792a-2d/s1280x1920/fb57ea6a550181e49d588a60473f050fac30300d.pnj -https://64.media.tumblr.com/41f0c01fa1e8c4e9e7dda5bcb589f24d/38ba370cd51ca323-59/s1280x1920/c96e0a11d0c0ab8b92b14cbebccd276c0e2c3c8a.jpg -https://64.media.tumblr.com/4cc511e4b365359842c0a9825dc416d5/e4f6cb4faa1aa13d-8e/s1280x1920/9f0ca9abdb590fdaca5c7a93e230a79bfe32fd2d.jpg -https://64.media.tumblr.com/c32edb01ada4ebf159bbb70b5a00c36c/3bca30f2ba708ae4-c3/s1280x1920/6f04c20b2fe1e47c0898b513e71772f99581ea13.jpg Zinn also has that tragic sibling swag, accidentally killing its sibling. It has so much trauma, but for a space-alien-god is very withdrawn and weary of the world. Although it tends to act cryptic and not reveal too much. It seems like it used to be elitist but with time has come to appreciate the mortal world although it would never admit it outloud. ANYWAY. VOTE FOR THIS PATHETIC HORROR OF GUY. Monsterfuckers and monsterfriends assemble! (and go read Monstress! There are many queer characters and the lead is sapphic! also cool monsters, cool worldbuilding, and real world cultural references) TLDR: Its an eldritch god who misses its dead wife :( / There is something very wrong with them (affectionate)

Detective Victor Spooky

Spooky's game still only has a demo, so there isn't much for me to say at the moment, but he's still a very interesting character. At some point in his life, he died of unknown causes leading him to become a ghost. Despite that, he still continues his detective work, though in the game he gets a supernatural case. He's acts serious, but without his clothing, his appearance is actually just a typical simple ghost design. He talks like your typical, charismatic, noir protagonist, but the fact that he's a ghost paired with the worldbuilding and concept makes him pretty unique.

#obscurecharactershowdown #group e round 1 #obscure poll #zinn monstress #monstress #detective victor spooky #victor spooky #deep night detective #tumblr is the least functional website on the internet

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stabosins4 · 2 years

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More content from my father since y'all bitches love that (LGBTQ+ edition):

sometimes when he can tell i'm dysphoric he'll call me "buddy" on purpose, because that's usually what he calls my (cis) brother and he knows I automatically relate it to boys

i love the sims 4, and they're currently working on adding LGBTQ+ identities into the game, in an FAQ section they said that you will not be able to turn it off, my dad sent it to me with the caption "homophobia: cured"

my dad describes himself as 98% straight and when watching a movie, sometimes will point at a guy and go "2%"

My entire family is queer in many many ways. literally. my entire family. except for him, he's managed to be the token cishet in his own family

I bought him a straight ally cup from hot topic one time, it's the only flag he doesn't know (meaning i can show him a picture of any flag and he'll recognize it, except for the one that describes him)

My dad wasn't sure how many letters he was "supposed to say" (LGBT, LGBTQ, LGBTQIA, etc.) and now he refers to it as the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse; because of the children's show theme song where they spell out M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

He's in a group thing on facebook for polyamourus people and will often tell me about memes he found on there

One time, he was talking with a friend about going to a dinner party, his friend said he was gonna have to be reminded of the correct pronouns, my dad said "its easy, my daughter became a son" his friend said "why would you want to be a guy" my dad said "he likes boobs"

my dad used to be one of those "but they/them singular pronouns are not grammatically correct" people, then my eldest (half) sibling started using them, and he just made himself learn

my eldest (half) sibling is also asexual, my dad bought a book about asexuality, read it all in a day, and is still very confused, and supportive.

#lgbtq #queer #i feel like he should have his own tag at this point #im just gonna call him bagel-dad #bagel-dad

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ryuseibutgayer · 9 months

Note

for the ask game !!! 20. velvet; 38. roses; 23. mochi

YAY MORE ASKS >:D tysm love <3 lmk if you wanna share your answers to this too!

My apologies for talking so much under the cut, I don't talk a lot irl and I try and give solid answers to any personal questions whenever someone has the kindness to ask 😭🫶

20. Velvet >>[ First Crush]<<

I've always had a weird time with recognizing romantic feelings and realizing what I thought were romantic feelings were actually hatred LMFAO If we're talking real life, I honestly haven't felt anything for anyone since middle school towards a really sweet guy with a murderer's name 💀💀 He had the most beautiful fluffy gold hair with rustic black and orangey dyed curls that drooped like a cavemouth over his amber pools for eyes 😭 I'm a fucking simp, I'm still searching for a green zip up hoodie that matches his, it had a ruined fish bone pattern on the back. He was a creative, smart, and sweet but quiet guy, and I wish I got to know him better. It's hard to find nice people 😭😭 (Fun Fact, if we're talking fiction RUBY GLOOM OR DONATELLO FROM TMNT LMAOOOOO I WAS QUEER EVEN AS A LITTLE KID AND NEVER PICKED UP ON IT)

Ngl he was most likely gay but how do you tell someone you don't talk to that you identify with any and everything, and what if he mightve still had a preference for strictly masculine identifying people

~💄~💄~💄~💄~💄~💄~💄~💄~

38. Roses >>[Favorite Studio Ghibli Film]<<

I know it's rather simple and a common answer but I love love love love My Neighbor Totoro! It's beautiful and I can relate to family troubles, moving a lot, and having to find ways to entertain myself in....let's call it unique ways lmao. I didn't have my sibling with me under the same house growing up so I'd often just dream of what was around this new area before me, and Totoro is just so cuuuute! I love the soot sprites too. I'm gonna get a Totoro plush from Japan soon too as a gift from a friend, I'm so excited! I recently got a Totoro satchel delivered too >:D

~🥀~🥀~🥀~🥀~🥀~🥀~🥀~🥀~

23. Mochi >>[Most Beautiful Flower]<<

I just can't help but adore the carnation. It seems so false but it's such a genuine and gorgeous flower, it's almost unbelievable finding one is just natural. I studied the flower language for a bit as story research and fell in love with its meanings! My personal favorite is a plain white carnation! (I found an article on the basic meanings of some carnation colors in case you're interested :D I'm a very symbolic person and carnations just hit the spot hehe (I also love snapdragons, they're gorgeous even when they're dead)

~💐~💐~💐~💐~💐~💐~💐~💐~

#nani the fuck (人´∀`*)#Red Lives (゜ロ゜)#Genny! <3

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tobthoughts · 6 months

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downhill

monday, november 20th, 07:02am

no i haven’t slept yet.

i was having a mild emotional breakdown at like four in the morning and asked charlie if i could go stay with her for a little bit. charlie,. the angel she is, said yes, so i’ve only just gotten home. i tried to write this post earlier but the words didn’t look right and nothing i wrote was any good. like the alphabet had a personal vendetta against me in my hour of need.

writing helps. my old therapist, julie, always suggested it but i was never really any good at keeping a journal or a diary - the thought of logging it every day was so scary to me. that’s why i find it easier to keep this blog. there’s no need for me to do it every day and no repercussions for me if i just let all my thoughts spill out. i know it would’ve been the same if i had kept a diary… but it just seemed too daunting. maybe i’ve grown as a person. julie would’ve been proud, i think.

today was going relatively well, other than the unfortunate events of earlier. its trans day of remembrance, so me, noah and jamie went to a little memorial in town. there were speeches and a choir. it makes me so, so sad how many of my trans siblings die every year. whether that’s suicide or murder. i nearly cried at one of the speeches. it was almost a eulogy, in a way. the speaker was choking up and it broke my heart. maddie joined us a little bit into it, and i got to meet her friend violet! violet was really lovely, she had cool eyeliner and cool hair. i’d like to get to know her better, if maddie would bring her to more events. they went off to do clothes shopping after a while, and noah and jamie went into the queer cafe to warm up for a little bit, so i was by myself. i didn’t mind. i was just enjoying my time surrounded by other members of the trans community.

about two hours in, around 2pm, we got a little bit too cold standing in the wind and rain so decided to go for a walk around the lanes. if you’ve never been to brighton, the lanes are like… eclectic, colourful streets filled with small businesses, independent artists, vintage clothes shops and super overpriced little cafes. its one of my favourite parts about living here. noah and jamie got birthday cards for their mums (who share a birthday!) and then we went to snoopers paradise. snoopers is a massive shop, basically like a flea market, with loads of random memorabilia and other quirky stuff. i bought two things, a little box with a pierrot clown on it, and a big ornament of a clown playing a trombone. i have a collection of clowns, they make me really happy, so i was super excited when i found them! i’m still looking for names for the trombone clown, nobody’s suggestions have been ‘right’ for him yet. after snoopers we went home. it was freezing outside so i was very happy when i got back inside and warmed up. i made myself some chicken nuggets and watched a fuhnaff theory video. then i had a nap. my sleep schedule has been so fucked up lately, i was exhausted by about half three in the afternoon.

this brings us to about half six! jamie had some kind of family drama and called me crying like half an hour after i woke up from my nap. my room is a complete mess at the moment so i had to meet him in the communal area of my accommodation. after we sorted that and i’d calmed him down, we headed to his. we had plans with friends to go to the pub for a bit and he needed to get ready. that went fairly quickly! we met noah, maddie, taiga and mia at the bus stop. i tapped out a bit on the bus ride, i was really overwhelmed. i remember texting tyler (who was on their way back to brighton after spending the weekend at home) and telling them who i was with, but it was a bit hazy from there. the first pub we went to was the great eastern! its a really cute little building with chill music and an overall nice vibe. it is really small though. we all got a mulled cider, which was really nice! we just sat outside chatting for a bit when i pointed out tyler on the other side of the street (they almost definitely did not see us) and maddie ran to get them. it was kinda sweet. and then there was seven! we moved pretty soon after they got there, to another cool pub called the prince albert. i only had a half pint because i didn’t want to get too fucked. everyone else was drinking and talking and it was really nice, until charlie and pip walked in. for context: we LOVE charlie, this is the same charlie i mentioned earlier, she’s my best friend and platonic soulmate and the nicest human being on earth. pip on the other hand… a slightly more controversial figure. of the group i was with, i think it was divided almost in half by people who’re on good terms with her and people who absolutely hate her guts. i’m trying to remain neutral purely because i don’t want her to be an enemy of mine, but my true thoughts? she’s manipulative, hypocritical, selfish. she cheated on her girlfriend multiple times but blames the end of the relationship on her ex. she’s a danger to herself and others - she has an alcohol and drug abuse problem - and every time she tries to be sexual towards me it makes me sick in the pit of my stomach. i think she’s gross. i tolerate her to avoid conflict because she has a lot of power and would probably decimate any kind of “image” or “reputation” i have. i know she’s talked shit about me behind my back, too. but yeah. we don’t like her that much. my night went downhill from there. i went home about an hour later.

well… not home. we had “afters” in jamie’s flat, just me, noah and jamie. he was on a facetime the whole time, which made me and noah feel really awkward. luckily, taiga, mia and charlie came home not long after us which gave us some company. taiga and mia went to bed, but charlie stayed. we talked (well… gossiped) for a while before calling it quits. jamie’s other friend, daisy, came over and he just left the three of us in his kitchen while he talked with her in his room. charlie told me some information that made me kinda upset. shocked, maybe more than anything, and angry and upset. we went home and i cried in the shower, listening to the playlist tyler made me.

from there… yeah. it got worse, i went to charlie’s, she made me feel better. that’s it really.

even though i haven’t gone into much detail about the bad… it was bad. like, considering harming myself bad. which is maybe a bit dramatic, all things considered, but i wasn’t thinking rationally.

i do feel better now though.

thank you charlie<3

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