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#genuinely don’t feel attractive or worthwhile currently
gregmarriage · 3 months
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internalised ableism sucks every dick in the world. what do you mean not only will random strangers be ableist to me (not even overtly), but my own brain will do the same thing????
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hiiiikeem · 1 day
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Art, Dating, & Hating. 4/27
Yo yo yo.
Aesthetics have literally ruined art. It’s so fucking hard to get inspiration for things and to want to do things when everything around you just feels so fucking lifeless. If I hear that “L. Dre” Steven Universe loft song one more time, I am literally going to punch a wall. Like I wonder if these people understand that art cannot be content but content cannot be- actually can be art CAN be content, but content isn’t. Once people figure out the difference and create some genuine shit then I feel like we will improve as a society. Things don’t feel genuine nowadays. Music doesn’t move me the same as movies do, but current music doesn’t have a groundbreaking shift like it once did. Not just music but most media in general. I don’t feel like it was made for the love of the game, I feel like it was made for the love of the dollar, and like I get it, get your bread but FUCK bro please make something worthwhile.
In other news, I’m going on a date next week and I’m super excited because I haven’t been on a date in like two months. This is my third date with this girl, we go on a date every three months (crazy I know but I’m saving money pls don’t judge) But honestly, dating somebody outside is such a weird thing because there’s such a disconnect no matter how much I enjoy this person or find this person attractive (She’s not white chill on me). But they will never really understand me and so I think at least for me it just feels temporary or like some experiment which feels like isn’t good because people are people and you shouldn’t take things as a test. But isn’t the beauty of getting to know people realizing that you won’t understand everything about them? Idk my mom said she thought I’d bring home a white woman so I gotta make sure I don’t purely out of spite (and a lack of attraction towards them).
Honestly, the only reason I date in general is to get inspiration for my scripts, and I think the best way to write romantic comedy scripts is to get romantic comedy situations. I do like this girl though. I think she’s cute. I think she’s funny. She’s like really nice and I enjoy being around her. Doesn’t feel like that I’m like putting up a front. I don’t know, she’s nice. It’s cool.
In my creative career, I’ve been kind of procrastinating on starting a second draft and I’m not sure what it is that’s stopping me. It’s hard for me to go back over my work, maybe it’s because I’m a big critic of myself for me or because I don’t think my work is worthwhile. I know the latter isn’t it but something just stops me from going back and checking over my work and it’s like I’m either all tapped in with my work, I just kinda let it go. I’m gonna get it done because “Last Minute Valentines” is literally a true story and many ways and shapes of forms but yeah that’s all.
All Around the World by Lisa Stansfield is the soundtrack of this post.
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circlecast · 9 months
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Do This Before You Make Any Huge Changes In Your Life
In this episode of the Relaxed Male podcast, we dive into the significance of altering our thoughts in order to improve our lives. Our thoughts shape our reality, emotions, and outcomes. It's common for people to believe that making a big change, like switching jobs or losing weight, will automatically bring them happiness. However, that's not the case. Our happiness and overall results are determined by our thoughts. As we begin our discussion, I want to take a moment to express our gratitude to all the new listeners who have joined us recently. While our view count may have decreased, I'm not too worried since it's summertime and people have different priorities.
However, I admit that I occasionally feel concerned about the numbers. But when I look at our unique downloads, I see spikes, indicating that people are still interested in our content. This serves as a reminder that our thoughts have a significant impact on our results, which ties perfectly into our topic for today. Instead of dwelling on the lower downloads, I realize it's more productive to focus on creating valuable content that truly resonates with our audience. I would rather have 10,000 dedicated listeners who genuinely appreciate our show than 10,000 downloads from people who don't find it worthwhile.
So, before you embark on any major changes in your life, take a moment to reflect on how you think about the circumstances that are causing discontent. Whether it's your physical appearance or finding a partner, changing your thoughts is the first step towards achieving the life you desire. Losing weight rapidly to feel attractive to others might not address the deeper issues of self-worth and insecurity. Regardless of being overweight or physically fit, how one perceives oneself influences how they present themselves to others. Making changes, such as losing weight, doesn't guarantee happiness, as both thin and overweight individuals face their own unique challenges. Similarly, acquiring wealth or switching careers might not bring fulfillment if your mindset remains negative or dissatisfied. It's crucial to have the ability to say no and allow others to learn and grow on their own, even if it may feel uncomfortable for both parties involved.
Changing our thoughts and finding contentment with our circumstances, whether in personal relationships or work situations, is the key to true happiness and growth. As we wrap up this segment of the podcast, I want to emphasize the importance of transforming our mindset in order to bring about positive changes in our lives.
By recognizing and challenging our current thoughts and beliefs, we can break free from repetitive patterns and create a life that aligns with our true desires. It's essential that we take responsibility for our actions and show up differently if we want to attract different results. As always, I encourage you to share this podcast with others and subscribe to receive weekly episodes. Together, we can continue to grow and learn on this journey towards a more fulfilling and relaxed life.
00:00:00 The Impact of Circumstances on Discontent and Ill Feelings 00:00:54 Thoughts create our reality and results 00:02:19 Concerns about low podcast downloads and attracting new listeners 00:05:36 The importance of changing thoughts before making big life changes 00:09:12 Applying the concept to work and sales strategies 00:10:13 Shifting Mindset: Sales, Relationships, and Personal Responsibility 00:11:16 Changing Perspectives: Embracing Circumstances and Taking Ownership 00:14:28 Transforming Thoughts: Influence, Relationships, and Self-Improvement
Take The Next Step and Get Coached.
  Newest podcast episode to change your Mindset
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mayermayer65 · 2 months
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All of the times Naruto knew she danced and the one time he didn't.
A/N: I've really wanted to write some Naruto fics for a while now but just haven't found the inspiration for it. Not sure how many I'll write but I hope to make a collection of these
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The first time Naruto knew Hinata could dance it was on a mission. It was just a few months after the war. Hinata and Shikamaru were assigned as his mission partners to ensure that the diplomatic hero tour (as Kakashi had called it) would go off without a hitch. It had been a long mission, one that Naruto was slightly uncomfortable with. Sure he loved traveling and meeting friends but it felt silly to be paraded around villages like he was the only hero of the war. As though others didn’t help. As though others hadn’t died. Still, having Hinata and Shikamaru there with him made the trip worthwhile.
It was the day before one of the first grand parties to be held in Naruto’s honor. People from all over the land had gathered. All wanting to be a part of the festivities, with many young women hoping to catch the eye of the hero. Naruto felt a slight panic when the Daimyo slapped him on the back telling him how lucky he would be dancing all night.
Naruto looked pleadingly over his shoulder towards Shikamaru begging for help but the man barely shrugged before turning away. Though Naruto thought he caught the lazy bastard smiling at his misfortune. He was about to call the genius out when a gentle hand touched his shoulder.
“Naruto-kun, if you need help I can teach you some basic steps.” Hinata smiled at him encouragingly, causing warmth to spread in Naruto. Hinata was always there to save his ass. Grinning brightly to show his appreciation he grabbed her hand in his and led her away. Once they found a quiet and more importantly private area Hinata stepped closer calmly explaining what a waltz was.
“Naruto- kun in a waltz there are three steps. a forward step, a side step, then together.” Hinata demonstrated the steps to Naruto going over it a few times until he felt comfortable enough to try it himself.
“That’s correct Naruto-kun. Now after you bring your feet together you will go backward so step back with the right foot- just like that. Now bring your left foot back. Good. This time however it’s going to swing back to the side where you first started. Now bring the right foot to follow.” Hinata and Naruto stood side by side as she walked the steps with him, letting him get comfortable with the footing, gently nudging his foot to the correct step when there was confusion. Once he felt confident he had memorized the steps Hinata stepped in front of him, trying to ignore the light blush that was forming.
“Naruto-kun, I think we should practice as partners now, but only if you are comfortable.”
“I’m always comfortable with you Hinata-chan! You’re the best-ttebayo!” Hinata’s face was entirely red by now but she chose to ignore the heat. Instead, she continued on, showing him the arm positions while trying to ignore the way her heart skipped a beat when his arm came across her back.
Focusing on the warmth his other hand provided in hers. Hinata began showing him the rotations. It took quite a while to get the hang of. Especially when Naruto faltered as Hinata went to step backward when he went forward. He panicked thinking he had messed up the steps he stumbled over himself to fix it. Causing both skilled shinobi to fall. Naruto grabbed Hinata tightly around the waist, rotating them so that he landed on the ground and Hinata was cradled safely into his chest. Both stayed laying like that for perhaps a second longer than needed, Naruto once more unconsciously giving the woman a gentle squeeze before letting go quickly an embarrassed and apologetic smile on his face as he began to apologize.
“I’m so sorry Hinata-chan I didn’t mean to do that I swear! I just forgot and didn’t know if I was supposed to keep going forward or follow you!”
“No Naruto-kun it was my fault for not explaining better, you were going the right way, women have different steps to follow in the dance.”
“No! You’re great at explaining all this! really! I should have just trusted what you had told me and done that. I’m really sorry Hinata-chan but I promise I’ll get it!”
“It’s ok Naruto-kun it’s your first time, it is only natural to be nervous. I know you’ll get the hang of it. It’s our nindo, remember?” Hinata’s smile was so genuine and bright Naruto had to look away for a moment, her words lingering even after she had said them.
Our nindo.
Naruto felt a spark of energy soar through him and wondered if Kurama also felt motivated by Hinata’s words. Jumping back onto his feet Naruto stretched out his hand to Hinata. A fire burning behind his blue eyes as he clasped her hand once more. Pulling her up and even closer to him than before.
“Let’s try again-ttebayo!”
“H-hai!”
It was the evening of the party and Shikamaru and Naruto were walking around the ballroom together.
“Would you quit messing with it?” Shikamaru whispered in annoyance.
“I can’t help it, everything feels tight!” Naruto whined as he shifted the collar of his outfit. (A gift from the daimyo) and let out a string of curses. He felt like he was suffocating. Glancing over at his friend he felt envy, the Nara had on a much simpler version of his own outfit and it seemed that the man opted for his own undershirt rather than the constrictive piece of material that Naruto was currently wearing. Sighing the blonde adjusted the collar one final time before giving up and pouting.
“Hinata would feel sorry for me”
“Then go complain to her.”
“Tch- you know she said she would be arriving later.” Naruto had been excited to see Hinata. However, one of the daimyo’s servants had stopped at Naruto and Shikamaru’s room informing them that Hinata had sent a message letting them know that her own dress hadn’t arrived and that she would be a few minutes later than the boys.
That was an hour ago and Hinata still hadn’t shown up. Naruto was itching to go and find her, worried something had happened. Though also just wanting an excuse to escape from the boredom that was the party. However, before he got the chance the Daimyo entered the grand room from a balcony up above.
“Thank you all for gathering tonight to celebrate the end of the war and the prosperity we shall gain from it!" The daimyo smiled down at the cheering crowd, puffing his chest out like he was the reason such prosperity would come about. Still, Naruto was smart enough to keep from rolling his eyes. clapping in approval of the words.
"So tonight I ask that everyone enjoy the entertainment and food. Let the dancing begin!" It was like the Daimyo had opened the flood gates suddenly it seemed that every woman in the room had turned their attention onto Naruto. Many already trying to form a line to get to him.
S-Shikamaru I can’t dance with all of these girls, that's impossible!”
“Naruto you’ll be fine, you’ve worked hard.” A different softer voice spoke out, causing Naruto to jump. Spinning around wildly, he spotted Hinata who had quietly taken her place beside Shikamaru.
“Hinata -chan!”
“I apologize for being late, it took longer than anticipated to get ready.” an embarrassed blush adorned her face as she bowed towards her two friends for her tardiness. Shikamaru waved it off while Naruto looked appalled.
“Don’t apologize Hinata! It’s not your fault the daimyo is using us for advertisement!” It was true, these outfits were a blatant excuse to get the textiles out into the public eye, and what better way to show off your country's goods than to have them paraded around on the most popular attraction. Though as Naruto eyed Hinata’s dress he couldn’t help the irritating though that the Daimyo had requested this specific dress on Hinata for a more lewd reason. Though the dress was far from indecent, the low scooping back and the form-fitted top were far more revealing than anything Naruto had ever seen on his friend.
Old daimyo is just another perv. he thought darkly but he still couldn’t help the thought that she looked really pretty. Naruto was just about to tell her this when a woman stepped forward grabbing Naruto’s arm tightly.
“Naruto-senpai please dance with me!” the young girl Naruto realized was one of the shinobi who had met their squad at the gates of the capital.
“I-”
“Just get on with it. The sooner you do it, the sooner we can leave.” Shikamaru whispered as he shoved Naruto towards the dance floor. Naruto stumbled but caught himself. He turned his head back planning to give Shikamaru a dirty look but stopped when he saw Hinata. Though she was still smiling there was a sad look in her eyes. Belatedly Naruto realized he probably should have asked Hinata for the first dance. After all, she had helped him so much. As he was dragged to the dance floor and could feel his dance partner feeling up his muscles, he couldn’t help but wish it was Hinata in his arms instead.
It had been a few hours and Naruto felt like his feet were going to fall off. He had lost track of how many partners he’d had. It was all the same. Every monotonous move yet it seemed his partners couldn’t get enough, some even fighting for more dances.
Naruto sighed as he spun his latest partner away, waiting for a new one to take her place. Straining his neck he caught sight of Shikamaru’s hair. Since the dancing had begun he’d tried to catch a glimpse of that beacon of spiky hair around the perimeters of the ballroom. It worked every so often but he was disappointed in not spotting long deep blue hair.
He had prayed at some point that Hinata might cut in. Hoping for a reprieve from all these women who only seemed to care that they were seen on his arm. It would have been nice to dance with a friend, someone he could actually talk to. yet it never happened. Still, he needed a break. Stepping back away before the next girl could come up he gave an apologetic grin scratching the back of his head as he did so.
“I’m sorry, but I just spotted someone I need to talk to, please excuse me.”
The girl pouted murmuring that she'd only gotten to dance with Naruto three times but Naruto had already turned away making his way towards his friend.
“Are you ready to call it a night yet?” the Nara asked from his slumped position in his chair. He had acquired the table an hour ago and had been napping ever since. Naruto nodded slumping into a chair of his own. Wincing as his feet screamed in protest over the night's abuse. Though he’d done exceptionally well he had no doubt abused his poor feet. For all the teaching and practice Hinata had gone through with him he still ended up tripping a time or two. though the biggest abuse was in the form of some of his dance partners accidentally stepping on them in their heeled dress shoes. Yes, Naruto was ready to call it a night if it meant soaking his poor feet.
“Then go grab Hinata-chan so we can get out of here,” Shikamaru said stretching out as he did so.
“Where is she?” Naruto asked turning once more to catch a peek of her.
“No surprise you haven’t seen her, all the women clustered around you while all the men have been circling her. She’s in the middle of that crowd over there.” Shikamaru pointed to the other side of the room where it seemed an equally large crowd had gathered. And true to his words right there in the middle was Hinata, dancing with some man.
“Why didn’t you help Hinata-chan?!” Naruto accused glaring at the man already settling in for a nap again.
“It’s too troublesome to get involved, besides unlike you she’s actually enjoying it.” Naruto was surprised by these words. Standing up he ignored the pain he felt as he looked closer at the scene.
Sure enough, Hinata looked like she was having the time of her life, her eyes were half-closed and there was a healthy blush adorning her cheeks though not from embarrassment but from all of the activity. Her hair had come loose at some point in the evening and it followed behind her in a mesmerizing dance of its own. Naruto could only watch in awe as Hinata was swept around the floor matching her partner step by step. It had looked as though the two had been dancing together all of their lives. Like they had been born to be each other’s partner.
“They're a handsome couple.” an older woman spoke near him, nodding her head toward the couple. her friend agreed, speaking up herself.
“That is the Hyuga heiress from the leaf village, Lord Souta would do well to ask for her match.”
Naruto frowned at the two women gossiping. Match? Why would Hinata fight that guy, he’s obviously not shinobi.
Idiot Kurama murmured but Naruto ignored it. Choosing instead to make his way through the crowd to get to Hinata. As he came to the center of the growing circle he watched as the dance came to a close. Lord Souta or whoever it was had just dipped Hinata low. All around him, people gasped in delight at the display but Naruto could only frown. This didn’t look like anything Hinata had taught him. This was obviously a different dance, one that only someone with more skill could do. As if to give the crown one final trick Souta spun Hinata, having her twirl out away from him as far as their joined hands would allow. Hinata was so close to Naruto he suddenly had an urge to take her and run. However, he was frozen in place, Hinata was breathtaking. There was no other way to describe it, Naruto couldn’t think of a time where she looked so relaxed and happy.
Something about that hurt Naruto deeply but he couldn’t understand why. He was happy that Hinata was enjoying herself and was feeling comfortable enough to show him and everyone around them her passion. But still, something bothered Naruto. He watched as the final notes to the song ended, Lord Souta pulled Hinata back toward him as if there was a magnetic force pulling the two back together. Hinata spun effortlessly back into the man’s chest clutching his shirt as she was breathing heavily.
The audience cheered.
Naruto couldn’t help his eyes narrowing at the man’s hands, who had clasped them against the small of Hinata’s back. Bunching the fabric together. Naruto was about to tell him off when Hinata finally seemed to realize their audience. To everyone’s surprise, her blush grew as she went to step back. Souta released her just enough to let her have some breathing room.
“Thank you for the dance, Lady Hinata. It was a pleasure.”
“T-thank you, I enjoyed it very much.”
“We must dance again soon.” Lord Souta smiled gently as he bowed towards the woman, taking her hand before she could walk away and kissing it. Hinata, Naruto was shocked to see didn’t faint, or freak out over this instead she gave the man a dazzling smile before nodding her head.
“I would like that very much Lord Souta, thank you.” Both dancers ignored the gossiping whispers as they moved back away from each other. Before any other guy could ask Hinata to dance Naruto snaked through the rest of the crowd. Grabbing her hand pulling her with him gently.
“N-Naruto- kun?!” Hinata felt surprised at seeing the blonde. She had been trying to spot him all night but was unable to, due to the masses that surrounded him. Naruto just smiled down at her, his grin stretched across his face.
“Hinata-chan it’s getting late and Shikamaru is ready to go to bed. I’m sorry I had to interrupt you but-”
“No, it’s fine Naruto-kun. I was getting tired myself and we are leaving early in the morning to head out to the next village.”
“Still, I hate to make you leave. You looked great out there Hinata-chan! I had no idea you liked to dance so much-ttebayo!”
Hinata felt like she was in heaven, Naruto was actually complimenting her. Still, Hinata tried to calm herself down.
“Thank you Naruto-kun. I had to learn many dances as a daughter of the head of the Hyuga clan. It's believed that dancing helps to create relationships and bonds with others all around the world. Like tonight with Lord Souta, he has many trade deals with the Hyuga.”
“Oh, so you are friends with that guy?”
“Well, we’ve met before. However, tonight was the first time we were able to speak freely amongst ourselves. He was able to talk to me about a special rare herb he has been cultivating in his gardens. I offered to make some special salves using those herbs with the promise that we could keep bundles of the herbs ourselves.”
“Wow, you were able to make trade negotiation while dancing, that's impressive Hinata-chan.”
“W-well that happened during our first couple of waltzes together. The last dance though was to a song from his country and so we couldn’t really speak. The dance is so fast-paced.”
Naruto faltered in his steps for a millisecond before continuing. By now they were close to the table to grab Shikamaru.
“Haha, I thought that dance looked a little more complicated than what you taught me,” Naruto said with a forced laugh. Hinata stifled a yawn as they woke Shikamaru up once more, humming in agreement to Naruto.
“Yes, it’s a bit more advanced, I don’t often get a chance to practice it.”
Later, long after they had left the party, and walked Hinata back up to her room. Naruto laid awake thinking about the events of the evening and everything Hinata had mentioned. He tossed and turned, kicking the blankets off of him as he stared up at the ceiling. Something was still bothering him. Something that he couldn’t figure out. It was only after the image of Lord Souta’s hands clutching around Hinata's waist jarred him out of a fitful sleep did Naruto realize what the problem was.
It wasn't the fact that he didn't like the guy.
It wasn't the fact that he wasn't as skilled a dancer as the guy.
It wasn't even the fact that Hinata repeatedly danced with the guy.
It was the fact that Naruto wanted to be the only guy that Hinata danced with.
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himbeaux-on-ice · 3 years
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I feel bad for Connor (and by association Leon) Like I want both of them to win a cup but it's probably not going to be as an Oiler. Like I find people thinking the Sid would be traded to the Oilers with Connor funny . I have a bet with a group of friends that Connor will be traded (if ever) before Sid. Because I truly believe it might get to a point where Connor and Leon might ask for a trade if the Oilers are not successful in the next few years. Connor is the next Taylor Hall for the Oilers
I mean like, yes and no Anon.
Yes, I wouldn’t wish having to put up with the White Middle Aged Men sector of the Oilers fanbase upon anybody, and the pressure of “okay so you’re gonna do for us what Gretzky did right? right? you’re gonna bring us the same success we got from the most lauded player in the history of the game? hurry up now kid” can’t not be psychologically damaging. It has been a rough couple years.
But uh, the Oilers very much do not suck this year.
They are currently tied for the lead in their division/8th in the league:
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And they are trending upwards right now while other teams they are competing with for a playoff spot are faltering or plateauing (see the streaks and the L10 results record in the last 10 games played, Oilers are 7-3-0):
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They pretty much WILL make the playoffs this year unless the team like literally dies and/or multiple others in the North are hit by a genuine miracle and shove them out. And once they get in there, with this year’s format the Canadian division will be their best chance a long time to go on a nice little playoff run.
And while that format won’t last outside this year, going on a solid playoff campaign through a round or two is a GREAT way to make your team better in the future, because it makes a team an attractive destination for ambitious and skilled players (“hey, do you wanna go play with the last two Hart winners and also be a playoff contender?” is a pretty good pitch). A good run also convinces the GM that it’s worthwhile investing in recruiting more high-performing players because the team can actually do something with it.
This year may be a genuine game-changer for the trajectory of the Oilers if this keeps up. I don’t think Connor or Leon is going anywhere anytime soon.
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lilac-writes · 4 years
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2, 18 and 20 for the meta ask? Love u and feel better soon!
Thank you! I’m already starting to feel much better.
2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project
A few weeks ago, Sadface showed me a sketch for the prompt Masquerade for GaaLee Bingo and explained the story she was trying to tell with the drawing. The inside of my brain has been screeching MASQUERADE!! PAPER FACES ON PARADE!! ever since, and just would not let the idea go. I now have a rough draft of a first chapter of a fic to accompany the drawing, and a rough sort of outline for the rest of it, and I am just so wildly excited the whole thing.
Actually, fuck it, you want a tiny snippet? Here:
“I noticed you,” Gaara told him. “Earlier, in the ballroom.”
“During the waltz?” The man asked breathlessly.
Gaara nodded. 
“So it was not just me, then.”
“Yes, I -” Gaara hadn’t thought this far ahead. Hadn’t considered what he might say to this man once he caught him. The opening strains of a slow waltz drifted across the garden.
The man in green turned to Gaara and bowed. “Would you like to dance?”
“I’m a terrible dancer,” Gaara whispered, even as he took the man’s hand.
“So am I,” he said. “But I would like to dance with you, all the same.”
18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.
I’ve considered and then abandoned several endings for Worthwhile. I haven’t actually written the ending yet (probably because I really don’t want it to have to end). I’ve been cutting and adding and rearranging scenes in my cowboy AU like crazy trying to figure out the timeline and get the relationships right. Hopefully by the time you get to read it, it will all make sense. There have also been a few times where I have started outlining or writing a scene from Lee’s POV and then scrapped it entirely and switched to Gaara’s which for some reason feels more natural/comfortable for me to write.
20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)
I’m sort of in a weird time in my life right now and have spent the past year or so thinking a lot about love and intimacy and what it means to really know a person. This line of thought is what moved me to start writing the sort of thing I’ve been writing in the first place. Then, in June when I was in the midst of editing/posting the first few stories in Worthwhile, a novel was recommended to me specifically because it was Pride month, and the novel in question was a lesbian romance. Naturally, I thought I’d like it a lot better than other romance novels I’ve tried to read but I hated it. Like, really absolutely despised it. Not only was the writing just. . . so bad that I can’t believe an actual human editor allowed it to be printed, but there was nothing in that novel that made me believe that the characters had any sort of genuine feelings for or attraction to one another. The whole thing just fell horribly flat and I put the book down thinking Even I can write better romance than this. And I think I poured a lot of my spite towards that novel into Worthwhile. I edited a lot of scenes to try and make it very very clear that even though at that point in the series Lee and Gaara were still trying to figure out how to admit their feelings and what to do next, their feelings for each other were real and profound to the point that it affected everything else they did. 
In the last couple months I’ve become maybe a bit obsessed with the ways people can say I love you without actually saying it. I’ve started taking notes of little gestures and tokens of affection that crop up in books I read and shows I watch, and even occasionally things I witness in real life. I’m sneaking these things into my writing here and there as well. 
Anyways, anon, that’s kind of just the first thing that popped into my head when I read this question, and I’m not sure it totally answers it or if it’s what you wanted to know. If you ever want to know more about my writing or one of my stories, you can always ask, anytime.
Meta Asks For Writers
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Survey #248
“i was unprepared for fame, then everybody knew my name.”
Are you more positive or a debbie downer? I don't think I'm either, honestly. I'm realistic. How many meals do you eat a day? Since getting a calorie & macro counting app, I try to aim for three, but sometimes I only manage two. I have to be conscious of how I'm spacing out what I eat. If you could have any talent in the world what would it be? Be realistic. Draw exactly what I see in my head. Do you brush your tongue with your tooth brush? Bitch you better brush your goddamn tongue. I didn't know until I saw this as a survey question a while back that there were people who didn't. How many times do you brush your teeth a day honestly? Once. What are you favorite type of jeans? I don't wear jeans anymore, but aesthetically, dark, skinny, torn jeans. Do you pop your bones, crack your knuckles? NO it disgusts me omg. There's this girl who sits in front of me in Women Writers class who cracks her back ALL the time and I have to fight cringing so, so hard. Do you eat your nails? YO NO. I may peel my nails when they get long (to me, anyway) but who the fuck eats their nails. Do you eat the ice in your drink? If it's that good cronchy type, fuck yeah. What do you order at Chic-Fil-A? I used to just get the classic sandwich and fries, but I stopped going there forever ago due to their connection to anti-LGBTQ organizations. By now I can't even stomach the thought of eating something from there. Damn are their sandwiches good, but I'm not giving them business. If you had to go to Mcdonalds what do you order? "Had to" lmao. I have no problem with McDonald's, honestly; you couldn't make me go, because I'd be quite willing. I love their cheeseburgers and, of course, their fries. But because I'm a fatass I have to at least get a double cheeseburger. Have you ever been addicted to cigarettes? No. Which do you use more? Facebook or Instagram? Facebook. Are you a student? If so, what classes will you take next? Yes. "Next," I don't know, considering I haven't chosen classes for next year. Currently I take Painting, Women Writers, Psychology, and Biology. Are you a good kisser? I don't know? How many real bf/gf have you had? Two. Did you enjoy your past relationships? Sure, save for the one with Tyler. That was pointless as shit. Would you ever get back with your ex? Sara, if certain conditions were right. Jason, I honestly don't know and hope I'm never put into the position to need to decide. Other exes, no. Do you like 80’s music? Rock and metal, absolutely. It was a great decade for the genres. Name a comedy that you like. Rush Hour 2 popped to mind first because we mentioned it in school yesterday. Do you like homework? ??????????? WHAT IS THIS QUESTION???????????????? NO??????????????? Something you want to buy real bad? Ugggghhhhh a lot. Being unemployed is a BLAST!!!!!!!!!! Something you would buy a friend as a gift? It depends on the person, of course. I try really hard to give very personal gifts, so what it would be would greatly vary. What is something that would be a good birthday gift for you? Donate Big Bucks to my tattoo fund and I'll give you smooches. Something you would gift yourself? Still tattoos lmfao. Favorite candle scent? Cinnamon rolls mmmmmmmmm. Do you watch beauty videos on YouTube? So here's the tea I genuinely love Jeffree Star and I'm digging NikkieTutorials lately LOOK idk I guess because I find makeup to be an art, I like watching that stuff. My YouTube interests have become seriously diverse lately. Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Ha ha obviously. What is the best thing about life? Man, that's a loaded question. I suppose having people in it that make it worthwhile and a true privilege to simply be here. What do you think will happen when you die? YO, HONESTLY, I don't know, man. I've even questioned reincarnation lately. I 100% believe we are not hollow bodies meant to just decay after death, but creatures with spirits that live on in SOME form or way afterwards. I don't believe in the concept of a "Hell," but I don't really think I accept there being a true "Heaven," either? I think there's just... something. What, I don't know, but guess I'll figure it out at some point. Are you superstitious? No. What kind of surveys do you like the most? Random ones, especially the ones that make you think. Do you go to church? No. Do you like Christian music? No. I get frustrated from just bad memories/associations. Have you ever skateboarded and failed at it? Never really tried. What show/concert have you went to that you didn’t like much? N/A Is sex a must in your life? Nah. Could you wait until marriage for sex? Lol I was the abstinent one years ago, so obviously I could, because I understand it. What do you think about weed? Medically, it's fantastic. Too much evidence of it being so to argue it anymore. For other use, I feel the same way about it as I do cigarettes: bad idea, but whatever. I personally don't care if it's made legal for recreational use or not, so long as it's treated similarly to alcohol, ex. illegal to drive while high. If you found a baby turtle on the side of the road, would you pick it up and keep it? With it being a baby, I'd probably take it to an animal rescue or something. Did you and your mum ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? I stayed at Dad's for a handful of days. Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? Yes. Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? My sister has my initial, anyway. Who did you last see shirtless? My mom. Do you like to make the first move? NONONONONO I'M SHY. Do you think you will ever be married? Probably. If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad? I don't think she'd be mad, no. Do you understand football? Nope. Who last called you beautiful? Probably Mom. If you fell pregnant to the last person you kissed, what would you think? We're both female so like- Do you think the body is the most beautiful thing that was ever made? No. Name five things you did today? Stayed at the hospital for my beautiful niece to be born :'), slept far too little after getting home, and that's... kinda it. What kind of phone do you have? It's literally a Tracfone, BUT WAIT! I actually wanted it, ha ha. Mom has one and it is *genuinely* a good phone, so I got one for my birthday. Hell, it's cheaper than paying monthly, so I'm fine with it. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? 5 in the morning when we were all still with Ashley. Do you like fire? Sure, I like watching it. Have you ever been to a spa? Noooo, not my jam. Do you know how to do a cartwheel? No. Who’s the funniest drunk person you know? Ehhhhh. When he drank, my dad was either hilarious when drunk or hateful and short-fused as fuck. 50/50 shot. But yeah, if you got Version 1, he'd crack anyone the hell up. Now that he's sober and happy he's always like that. What would you do if your partner still kept pictures of their ex? Well, I'd say it depends on the picture's context. Like, a picture of you two kissing, then I'd be uncomfortable as shit. If you have prom pictures or stuff like that but don't like go looking through them regularly, idc. It was a special event. What if your partner went through your cellphone? BYE, CUNT. What if your partner was flirting with another girl/boy? BYE, CUNT. Is there really a difference between Coke and Pepsi? YES. I can absolutely taste it. Pepsi sucks. Are there any mistakes with your recent ex you wish you could have changed? Stupid and/or impulsive shit I'd said, sure, but for the most part, no. We had a good relationship. Has anyone ever been with you while you were throwing up? My mom always is if she's present. I am terrified of vomiting and even at my age still want her there, even though she can't do anything, obviously. I turn into a baby when I'm about to throw up. Background on your computer? My favorite picture of Teddy. Who has hurt you the most? Jason. Or hell, my own head, idk. Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now? Sure. What language do you want to learn? I wanna be fluent in German. Who’s the last person that came to your house? A family friend. Is there anyone you would like to fight? God no. I'm not a fighter. Who did you dance with last? Sara. Who is your best friend(s)? Sara. Song playing? "It's A Raid" by Ozzy feat. Post Malone. The album's out T O D A Y , B O Y S. Who is your arch-enemy? I don't have one. What's the most attractive thing on the opposite sex? GODDAMN shoulderBLADES Do you want platinum or gold for your wedding band? Not normal gold, I know. Rose gold is my ideal one, but I really don't care much. Have you ever paid to have your eyebrows waxed? I mean my mom has, seeing as I didn't have an income then, either. Got that done regularly in high school. Not because I asked, but because it was just "normal" since my two sisters did it, too. Do you think that the tobacco companies should pay for people’s medical bills? No, it's not their choice to use the product. Sure, they're making it, but it's really too late to cease production of tobacco. It'd be catastrophic in terms of the job industry. Do you curse in average conversations? Yes; I have to actually make an effort to not curse if needed. Have you ever bought a shot glass? No. Do you have a therapist? Not anymore after my previous one that I loved and trusted gave me every reason to break her jaw. I kind of want another one, but also don't. I'm supposed to, considering my history and that I'm on a lot of medication, but I just do nooooot want to go through the whole trust process again. Do you ever fall for spam mail? No. What color do you wear the most? Black. Do you only eat cough drops because you like the taste? No. Have your parents ever walked in on you having sex? No. Do you like getting stoned? I've never been so and aren't interested in ever getting there. Have you ever gotten a bloody nose from snorting cocaine? YOIKES THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY lol no, I wouldn't touch coke with a ten-foot pole. Red, white, yellow, or pink roses? Pink. What’s the worst name your mom has ever called you? I don't know. She hasn't called me anything too awful that I know of. Have you ever done acid? No. Were you at a rave? Never been, definitely not my scene. Do you post pictures where you look good but your friends look bad? Well, I don't hang out with like... anyone, so, lmao. But I wouldn't. Are you friends with any of your exes? Yes. Would you ever dye your hair pink? ACTUALLY! Pastel pink is on my list. I tested some soft colors out in Photoshop on me and it actually looked really cute. I think I wanna be a smaller size first, though. Do you ever masturbate? I haven't since I came off that godawful birth control that drove me batshit insane in terms of libido. I still don't think it's a bad thing, my interest in that is just, gone. Are you embarrassed about your sex life or lack there of? No. Who’s the last person you said I love you to? My sister. Did you like your life when you were in middle school? Actually fuck middle school with a maul. If you went on American Idol, do you think you’d go through to Hollywood? Nope. Have you ever received an anonymous gift? No, I don't think so. What kind of laugh do you have? A loud and obnoxious one. Do you hoard anything? "Hoard" isn't the right word, no. Are you afraid of flying? I am, but I feel it's only a realistic apprehension. Especially going back and forth to Sara's a few times, you kinda have to get used to it. Most recent Facebook ‘like’? Shit man idk, I "like" a load of stuff. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. Do you do anything regularly that could damage your body? Can someone please eliminate soda from the face of the earth???? What do you love most in the world? Those closest to me. What woke you up this morning? Ugh, the sun. I need to put my curtain back up after Roman tore it down. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? My mom. Is anything bothering you? There's always *something* bothering me to some degree, but nothing seriously at the moment. Are you in a good mood? My niece was born overnight and is gorgeous and healthy so I have to be. :') When were you the saddest in your life? 2016. Do you own more than one cell phone? Ha ha, I have two old ones. One I used for pictures because the camera was good, and the most recent old one, I just need to get some pictures and contacts from... but I'm lazy. Have you ever had a song written about you? No. What songs make you happy? Depends on what I'm feeling. Next concert? No clue now that Ozzy had to cancel his, bless his old heart. As a child, did you ever get the chance to go to Disney World/Disneyland? Yes. When was the last time you fought with your significant other, if any? I’m single. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? No, thankfully. When was the last time you were on a boat? Where did you travel on it? Not since I went fishing with my old best friend a few years back. We were just in a pond. Are you planning on going anywhere with someone, some time today? Probably not. Do you like cereal? What would you consider your favorite kind of cereal? Hell yeah. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is *maybe* my favorite? Idk, I like a lot. Are there any people you don’t like for your significant other/crush to talk to? This doesn't apply to me, but even if I had one, they're not my damn child. I'm not gonna police whom they talk to. I mean I guess there are exceptions, like, talking to a drug dealer to name one, but talking to most people, that's their business. Just don't hide it from me. Have you ever forgotten your birthday? Did you soon figure it out? No. What color are the curtains in your room if you have any at the moment? Maroon. Is there anyone you are currently trying to get out of trouble? Why? No. Have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? Well, calling back to that other question, there was one in a previous relationship that I really couldn't stand, but it wound up working out. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? It's just me and Ma now. Do you ever go to Blockbuster? How frequently would you say you go? WHAT A CALLBACK!!!!! Omg did I love BB. Went like every weekend to rent a game, and sometimes we'd go there Fridays before a sleepover to grab a movie. Do you ever listen to music so you can actually change your emotion? Sure, sometimes.
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pivitor · 4 years
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Emotional Roller-Coaster This Week
So, the last eight days have been an absolute whirlwind. Some really great things happened. Some really bad things happened. I’m kinda still reeling. I had some big firsts, and spent some time with great friends, had some real catharsis. I also fell further into depression than I have in a long, long time, and, oh yeah, got diagnosed with a chronic illness.
I need to get this all off my chest, cause I’m drowning. Join me? 
Before we start, there’s two things you need to know about me. Both are things I’ve mentioned in bits and pieces on here, but here’s the full story:
1. Three months ago I had shoulder surgery to repair a torn labrum (I technically tore it when I dislocated my arm in high school, and it’s been popping out on me once every other year or so ever since, but my most recent [and now final] dislocation was very bad and sent me right to the doctor). I spent about two weeks out of work, just sitting at home on the couch in a sling. The pain wasn’t great, but it was worse mentally: I put on a couple pounds and immediately started to feel terrible about myself, and being stuck at home when I wanted to be out there, doing stuff with friends or with guys or to reach a point where I can move out, felt terrible. I wasn’t in a great headspace for a long time. As of now I have about 95% of my arm function back, and am fully healed, just trying to get back the last of my range of motion and gradually increase back to my old strength threshold.
2. This one is a bit more complicated. I’ve talked a lot here about how I grew up in a cult, but I never went into further detail. Well, here we go: I was a J*hovah’s W*tness. (I’m censoring this because I don’t want this showing up in searches) It wasn’t something I would have ever chose for myself, but when you’re born into it, you’re pretty heavily indoctrinated -- I thought it was the gospel truth despite having many reasons not to. They’re a very homophobic organization, so growing up in it wrecked my self esteem. My entire childhood and time as a teenager I thought I was worthless and doomed, destined for eternal destruction. I was often suicidal. When I was about 18 or 19 the cult printed an article “clarifying” their view on homosexuality, and said they recognized that some people are just naturally attracted to the same gender and as long as they don’t act on it they’re still “acceptable” to God. It’s dangerous bullshit that makes me so angry now, but as a brainwashed, suicidal teenager, it felt like the only chance I had to live a worthwhile life, so I got baptized into the religion, which is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life, because once you’re a baptized member of the cult, if you leave you’ll be shunned by everyone you’ve ever known. Your own parents will treat you as if you’re dead. I was very zealous for a year or two before realizing that I just couldn’t do it anymore, but it’s taken me nearly ten years to fully wake up from the indoctrination, read information from outside religions, scientists, and former members who have left. Currently I still live with my family and have to pretend to still believe (because the moment I don’t they’ll kick me out on the street), and am on the cusp of two promotions at work. As soon as those go through, I should be able to save money to move out, which I wanna do before the summer, and then I’ll be completely free.
Okay, the rollercoaster week itself:
Pre-Monday: For about a week, a week and a half before this all started, I’d been experiencing some pain in my side that was making it hard to sit up for long periods of time. This normally would’ve been a major red flag, but thanks to the shoulder surgery, I’d been having random back pains off and on recently anyway. I assumed it was related to me overcompensating for the shoulder and left it alone. Big mistake.
Monday: So one of my promotions at work involves a coaching center we’re launching. We were supposed to do our first presentation last Monday, and when my boss showed up for it, everything fell apart. It wasn’t totally my fault -- the general condition of the office itself wasn’t up to par, and the boss recognized that there wasn’t much I could do about that -- but a lot was, and I spent all week trying to fix things and get them running, and running into one major roadblock and frustration after another. We’re finally doing the presentation today, but it technically still isn’t 100% fixed. Work has been a major, major source of stress all week. I don’t think I’ll mention it again because there’s not much more to it than what I’ve listed here, but remember that it’s hanging over my head all week.
Monday night I was invited to a birthday party for a friend from my gym. Since the cult doesn’t celebrate holidays, I’d never actually been a birthday party before, complete with cake and singing happy birthday and everything. It was really nice -- even though it was truly just a bunch of guys hanging around a bar watching the Eagles, it still felt like something really special. I also spent about a half an hour in my car before I walked into the bar trying not to hyperventilate. I don’t feel guilty at all as I may have once, but I was still really worried about being seen by someone and my family finding out.
Wednesday: Tuesday was my only truly normal day of the week, and even then, we had my cousin staying with us up until Wednesday, so even then it wasn’t truly normal. We normally have church on Thursday nights (I have to attend so as not to blow my cover, but I tend to stand in the lobby and play on my phone the entire time; it’s a nice chance to catch up on my reading usually), but I had a concert on Thursday I was not going to miss, so I told my parents I was going to a different congregation on Wednesday night, but instead I went to Starbucks and caught up on Crisis on Infinite Earths. It’s...depressing that this is what I’m reduced to, but I was happy that it finally occurred to me to just...lie about it.
When I got home and took off my shirt to change into my pajamas, I noticed a patchy, red rash on my stomach, side, and back, right around the same area I’d been having pain for the last week or two. I’d absolutely never had anything like this happen before, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. I crossed my fingers that it was an allergic reaction, put some cortisone cream on it, and decided to wait a couple days to see if anything changed.
Thursday: On Thursday I drove up to Philly after work, and ate a few slices at my favorite pizza place, reading comics, until it was time for the concert. It was a free show from Pkew Pkew Pkew, a band I truly, truly love, and it was one of my favorite shows of the year. Just pure joy. They played for about an hour, but were the opening act, and I don’t care for the headliner (Beach Slang), so I had originally had a few ideas about what I could do afterwards, considering that their set was over by 10 or so. I could go home (coward’s option), I could go to the Barcade. What I really wanted to do was go to a gay bar or club. I’d gone right before my surgery and had a great time, but I’d been avoiding going back (or joining a dating app or anything else) until my arm fully healed because it would very much have gotten in the way of doing anything physical. I was finally in the place where I could use my arm, but now I had that strange mysterious rash, and didn’t think it was right to do anything like that until I’d figured it out/gotten it cleared up. I don’t wanna pass anything on to anybody.
By sheer coincidence, Philly’s Emo Night ended up being this very same night (this one is held once a month), so I ended up heading over there and dancing until 2AM. I got very drunk and had a fantastic time. But there were a lot of couples. There was this girl that kept hitting on me, and then getting pissy when I didn’t reciprocate. There was this extremely hot dude in a Misfits hoodie, and early in the night we were the only two who were dancing, and he gave me a high five that he pulled into a bro hug after the song, which got me all riled up, but I couldn’t work it into anything else haha. And then this group of about four guys or so showed up, dancing all night, very affectionate, cupping each other’s faces when they talked to each other and all that. I’d seen them before and both times thought they might be gay, so I stuck close and was kinda part of their group for the night, which was really really fun. At the end of the night, one of them mentioned their girlfriend, and I reeled way more than I had any right to. I had a fantastic night. I went home feeling very alone.
Friday: Friday was my gym’s Christmas Party, which, much like Monday, was my first ever Christmas Party. I had a really fun time chatting with everyone, eating, watching one friend get drunk, try to jump up on the rings, and get dragged home by his wife. We had rowing contests and the losers had to take shots. But there was one guy there I’ve always had a crush on, a very straight, very married guy, and he was looking extremely hot and was acting extremely funny all night, and it was rough. I went home and dreamed about him all night. I woke up feeling even more alone and frustrated.
Saturday: I was pretty depressed and listless by this point. Feeling really sorry for myself despite all the fun I’d had all week. I had plans to drive up to Asbury Park for an Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties show and I just...really didn’t feel like going. But I drug myself out of bed and made myself go, because you don’t miss the gig. Before the show I wandered around Asbury, basically torturing myself. I wanted to visit a restaurant but had eaten lunch too late and wasn’t hungry. I found a gay club but still had that rash, so I didn’t wanna go in. I ended up standing on the beach, in the dark, finally having a genuine smile as I dodged the waves, but also just thinking about how sometimes Kangaroos just walk into the ocean and...never come back. I was not in a good headspace. I made myself get off the beach.
The show though...damn, that show. Dan played the second Aaron West album, Routine Maintenance, from front to back, and it’s an album about Aaron making the people in his life proud of him, about his friends giving him direction, about finding redemption through being there for his family in their darkest hour. That kind of shit is my kryptonite to begin with, but all I could think about was how all I had ever wanted in my life was to make my family proud, and how I’d never be able to do it, how someday soon they’re just...never gonna talk to me again. I cried twice during the set. And afterwards I got to hug Dan and tell him how much the album fucks me up. It was really cathartic. I felt the cloud start to lift.
Sunday: So Sunday I finally go to the doctor about this fucking rash, which hadn’t gotten any worse but had not gotten any better either. The diagnosis?
I have fucking shingles.
For those who don’t know, shingles is the chicken pox virus. After you’ve had chicken pox it never really leaves your body -- it stores itself away in your nerves. As an adult, it can reemerge as shingles, which begins as an intense pain, then advances into painful rashes on one side of your torso. Without intervention, they can continue to spread and become almost immobilizing. I’m currently on a pill I have to take three times a day for seven days, which will stop the progression of the shingles, and then it will heal up on its own, but it could take a few weeks.
Thankfully, I’m not contagious -- I can only spread the disease if someone has prolonged, direct contact with the rashes. I can be around people, but like I feared, it does rule out sex for a while. The worst part is that shingles as a disease can’t really be healed. The symptoms will go away, but I’ll be susceptible to outbreaks the rest of my life. Fortunately, the doctor made it sound pretty manageable -- the pain in my side, in that exact same spot, will always be my first symptom, so as soon as I feel that I need to get to a doctor and get back on the seven day medication to end the flare-up. It doesn’t sound like shingles flare-ups are super common either -- reading up on it, it looks like most people have, at the most, three outbreaks in their life. But, it’s still a chronic illness, and it’s one that’s very rare to emerge at this young of an age -- this is something you normally get in your fifties or sixties, not your early thirties! 
Honestly, I could only laugh. Just my luck, right? I’m so frustrated. My arm’s finally reached the point where I can get back to trying to pursue guys, but nope! the shingles has to postpone it a few more weeks :/
But despite it all, the depression of the rest of the week had mostly lifted. I had processed it. I was feeling better. For a while.
Back in the spring I had joined a subreddit for former members of the cult, which is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, as it let me share my story with people who had been there and understood, and really helped clear out the last remnants of the programming from my brain. Every once in a while different gay Ex cult member will contact me on there, and I’ve struck up a few nice casual friendships. Last week a guy reached out to me on there looking for friends in the same situation as him, and I replied, and on Friday he finally replied back, and we texted each off and on Saturday and Sunday morning. Sunday night, though, we got into a deeper conversation. He’s in his early twenties, and some of the stuff he was asking for advice about made it sound like he was just starting to wake up from the programming and just starting to think about leaving and being gay and everything. Eventually, as we talk more, I find out that that’s not fully the case. He’s jealous of some of the stuff I’ve done that he hasn’t -- going to Pride, going to gay bars -- but unlike me, he’s had a fair amount of sex. Like any closeted Witness, he had to drive into unfamiliar cities to do so, and it’s a strategy I’ve thought of trying but never pulled off. 
I dunno, I’m so depressed. I feel like such a failure. I know having sex doesn’t make you a better person, and not having sex doesn’t intrinsically make you a failure. But I feel like this because I want it so badly, because I always have, and I could have been doing it for years, and I’ve been really forced to confront the fact that it’s my own fear that’s been getting in my way all this time. If I’d really tried I could’ve done it by now. If I really tried I probably could’ve moved out and started my new life by now -- I’d probably be dirt broke in an apartment with like eight roommates, but I could’ve done it. I don’t feel like anybody else, including this guy I was chatting with, have been judging me for this, but I’m pretty disgusted with myself, irrational as it may be. I know it’s not true, but I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. And I’m so fucking sick of it.
So. This is everything I’ve been processing this week. I don’t really know what to do with it. I’ve gotta be patient a little while longer. Keep working on my real estate licensing test so I can make some more money. Wait for the shingles to heal up. Get on Grindr and just, fucking, fuck some dude the moment I’m cleared up.
But fuck, I’m so fucking sick of waiting.
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bokunometacademia · 5 years
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Theory time! A lot of other people have had their take on this theory (AFO is Izuku’s dad) but I have yet to see any of them address the obvious elephant in the room. Why would Inko marry AFO?
They conclude either:
Inko must be evil (which would be horrible and feel out of character)
Inko must not know (but then why would AFO choose such a sweet lady with such a low powered quirk)
At the end of the day it just doesn’t make any sense...or does it? 
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(warning: manga spoilers)
I’m not gonna worry about proving AFO is Izuku’s dad too much, enough people have already done that, I’m gonna focus on why he would choose Inko.
The only reasons I can think that AFO would marry Inko (aside from her being evil, unlikely) were if he had briefly in his life turned over a new leaf (unlikely), or if she had something that he wanted...
AFO is a really powerful guy (THE most powerful guy, really). And One for All users may not have been too much trouble for him at first. But with each new iteration of OFA, as it gets passed down user to user, it gets more powerful. They don’t just get the quirks of the previous users, they also get the physical capability of each quirk user added to their own. OFA users get amplified quirks, amplified physical abilities, AND the ability to use the previous quirks.
It’s to the point where All Might almost killed AFO, he genuinely thought he had. He was surprised that AFO was still alive.
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So AFO would have been getting a bit scared, or at least if not scared, a bit concerned about OFA continuing to exist. What’s a guy to do who can steal and use quirks though?
Well, as I have discussed much more thoroughly in this meta about AFO’s weaknesses, AFO wants as much power as possible in as easy a way as he can. The best way for him to do that is to:
Get powerful quirks that require very little training and have few drawbacks
Get quirks that specifically cover the weaknesses of his own quirk
Do it all without too many people noticing
What’s the best way to do that?
Well, I would say that the best way to steal quirks without anyone noticing is to steal them from other villains who no one will care about (although this could leave AFO vulnerable if his minions turned against him) and/or steal quirks from children who have not fully manifested their quirk yet.
Which sounds eerily like what could have happened in BNHA if Izuku’s doctor was in fact evil or something...but he’s not...right?
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(although this is a meta for another time my friends)
The other question is what’s the easiest way to find and steal a quirk that would specifically cover one of AFO’s weaknesses?
I mean, that would require a perfect quirk. A quirk that fits like a puzzle piece, related just enough to AFO to meld with his own quirk perfectly, but different enough that it solves one of the drawbacks of his own power (and like I already pointed out in this meta that I linked just above and will link again, there are many potential limitations to AFO that may or may not be true)
But that would require a quirk that was essentially made for AFO. How can someone make a quirk, like if they wanted to become the top hero so bad they wanted to make a quirk that could do just that, how would someone go about doing that?
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...oh...
We’ve long since been introduced to the idea of quirk marriages. And if it’s not above a particular hero to quirk marry than it’s certainly not above the worst villain of them all.
Now I would imagine at this point (this point would be while AFO is still concerned for his safety, but before his epic beatdown by All Might) All For One is contemplating quirk marriages to either create epic quirks that he could later steal or to create a successor that would kill OFA should he fail. He would have already had Shigaraki as his ace in the hole, so I’d guess the former.
But now who to pick as his bride? And I wouldn’t imagine he’d stop at one bride, I’d imagine he has a few ladies he’s using for their quirks. 
I’d also like to pause for a moment to point out that there are a couple quirks that strike me in the series as similar to AFO in some way or another, the obvious being Monoma’s copy quirk (although it’s significantly less powerful than AFO, so it makes sense that AFO wouldn’t even bother stealing it) but another more recent one that’s come to light is actually Himiko Toga, who can borrow people’s likenesses and also their quirks if she knows them well enough.
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Now I’m not saying they are also AFO’s experimental quirk children, but I am saying we should definitely watch these experimental quirk children.
And now back to the AFO’s brides...
I think it’s important to point out at this moment that Horikoshi takes words very seriously. He is incredibly specific with what words he decides to use, from character names describing their powers and what we should expect from them, to using Star Wars names for the locations in BNHA, to describing powers in a very particular manner as I discussed in this meta about OFA.
We’re introduced to Inko’s quirk through a single line of dialogue.
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A lot of people interpret this to mean that Inko has psychokinesis. She can move objects around with her mind.
But that’s not true. Her ability is less powerful than that and two fold.
She can only use it on small objects
She can only bring those objects towards herself (she can’t send them away)
This is exactly how Horikoshi intends her power to be, not psychokinesis, but acting more similarly to a positive magnet when turned on.
And if you have already read my incredibly long meta about AFO’s weaknesses that I’m now pointing out for the third time (kudos if you did), you know that of the numerous potential weaknesses to AFO’s power one such possible weakness is the distance in which AFO would have to be to be able to steal someone’s power.
Specifically that he may have to be touching his victim to steal their power.
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This is of course an assumption, but it’s a possible assumption, probable even.
If AFO is capable of stealing OFA, when is he gonna get the chance to lay a hand on the forehead of the current OFA user? Even if it turns out he can’t steal OFA, the ability to steal quirks from a distance would increase AFO’s power considerably.
And what was Inko’s quirk again? Oh right, the ability to attract small objects towards her.
It’s not a stretch at all to assume an all powerful quirk-stealing quirk + a very specific attracting telekinesis quirk would make a mega all powerful quirk-stealing quirk that could steal from a distance.
It may only be able to steal small quirks, or it may not be able to steal from very far away, but hell, it’s still fixes a problem AFO has, and it does it without AFO lifting a finger. 
He just has to pretend to be a doting husband, do the hanky panky, and pretend to work abroad the moment he has a kiddo. He can leave the child-rearing to his wives, and the moment the kids are gonna manifest quirks, pull them into doc’s office to see what they have. He can steal the ones that are worthwhile and leave the ones that are useless to him alone. He could even do it face to face, what kid’s gonna be afraid of their own father touching their head?
Of course then All Might had to go and smash his face in.
But not before Izuku turned 5...and found out he didn’t have a quirk...but the scarier question is what if he did?
...
I don’t imagine we’re gonna find out anytime too soon, but if any of this is true it makes me hope Izuku really didn’t have a quirk. Because if he did...welp...AFO’s more powerful than we realize. 
Anyway this is why you don’t underestimate women. 
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Chain Breaking - The Story So Far
This one is a summary. Lists! Mostly because my little series has spiralled into a huge thing that I couldn't reasonably expect anyone, other than folks that truly care (or have a morbid curiosity I suppose) to keep reading.
So to sum up for myself and a psychiatrist:
I suffer from depression. I am functional through most of it in terms of continuing to go about day to day tasks (staying clean, going to work, etc). It ranges from moderate to severe.
In severe moments, I suffer from bouts of extreme melancholy and get "stuck" with a lot of unbidden mental images and thought patterns.
I am compelled to compile as much information about a given situation as I possibly can. This ranges from a mostly normal thing (I'm just curious about a subject) to sort of debilitating (I need to see everything there is to see and know everything there is to know about what a person I care about and am worried for is thinking about.) This can lead to me getting "stuck", where I upset myself with unbidden thoughts, illogical conclusions, worst case scenarios, etc.
In addition to information, I am constantly in a state of hyper vigilance in just about any given situation I could encounter in a day. I've never been able to totally turn that off. This hyper vigilance, I believe, leads to the compulsion I listed above. Or it feeds into it? I don't know. They are both present. Hyper vigilance for me has led to an extreme attention to detail at almost all times. It helps in some situations, but can also lead to me getting "stuck" or convincing myself people are not interested in talking to me due to my focusing too much on social cues or facial expressions that may not have been present.
I struggle with a constant feeling of feeling like I am merely playing a role in my own life. This leads me to feel as though I am never being genuine with anyone despite knowing that I am.
The feeling listed above, in addition to others, leaves me with a feeling of being "split" - I'm not suffering from hallucinations of any sort, but I have built mental constructs over the years ("the guy upstairs") that I am now unable to shake and cannot reason with using CBT or other techniques that I know.
I am extreme in adherence to my own moral code. Deviations or failure to adhere to my own standards is unacceptable to me. Doing so leaves me feeling very dejected and disappointed in myself.
I will opt for being angry instead of being sad in order to continue to have energy to function. This can lead to self destructive behaviors, such as burning myself out through exercise.
My adherence to my own moral code can and has coloured my perception of how others treat each other and how they treat me. "He recognized his own willingness to use the rigor of his moral judgments as justification for his rage". While I do not fly into a rage characterised by screaming, yelling, acts of violence, or other things of that nature, I am definitely far more upset than just bring a little annoyed. This has led to snap decisions (see above, regarding self destruction) and has also led to me cutting off relationships with people in the past. (I'm getting better at that one on my own.)
In nine out of ten situations, the rage I describe will turn inwards and I will begin to focus on my own imperfections and flaws that I feel make me entirely worthless or undesirable to anyone and everyone. I get stuck, to use my own term. Many of my self destructive patterns are not physical. I bear no scars from self harm. My self abuse has almost always taken the form of mental exercises.
With that said: I am currently experiencing some impulses that could be termed physically self destructive. I will work out at the gym until barely able to walk. Sessions can range from 2-3 hours. The objective is less about physical fitness than it is to burn out any negative emotions I may be experiencing. The desire to work myself to death has occurred.
I have a number of deep seated insecurities about my place in the world, possibly related to my feeling of merely playing a part in my own life (and a bit one, at that). I frequently feel as though I am almost nonexistent to people except in the moments where they interact with me in person. I can recall feelings of this nature going back almost twenty years.
These insecurities cause me to irrationally fear Erasure from people's lives, as I do not believe I am possible of being so meaningful to someone that they would keep me around for longer than they might need. Anyone and everyone in my life is subject to this fear. The more important the person is, the more I may fear it. This partly drives my desire to check in on people. It leads to me getting stuck on numerous occasions.
I am not actively seeking to end my life. However, the desire to do so can and does manifest in my worst moments of getting "stuck". I feel helpless, and oftentimes the thought will arise unbidden that I could simply end my life and thus end the "stuck" feeling. This, combined with other unbidden, impulsive thoughts, furthers my feeling of being "split".
My feeling of nonexistence or unimportance can and does terrify me to the point of silence. I will dissemble, deflect, or simply opt not to talk about my mental or emotional state. Simply put, this is because I feel unworthy of the time of others and assume they feel the same on some level, and that therefore any additional burdens I place on them will upset them to the point of no longer wanting to associate with me. Writing these entries has been me testing myself and challenging myself to be more open by being as open as possible to anyone who is able to read these.
My feeling of being unimportant leads to me placing others first in any and every situation imaginable. While this is generally considered a good thing, if I'm being honest, I will do so to my own detriment as well. The idea of putting myself in harm's way does not actually bother me on any level if it could conceivably be of benefit to someone else.
I suffer migraines and insomnia when stressed. Currently, I am entering my second or third week of struggling with insomnia. I'll get between two to four hours of sleep at night at the most before waking up and being totally unable to get back to sleep. Sometimes I can grab a nap during the day. This is affecting my reasoning, my situational awareness, and my mood. I have been increasingly irritable and on edge and unable to deal with daily annoyances since I stopped sleeping.
I have an at times overpowering need for control over my environment. Noise and crowds are the fixation for my need. I've noticed that oftentimes if I'm in a bar or at work, the noise level usually isn't a problem for me. The crowds bother me in the sense that I'm unable to predict where people are going so they end up in my way or they bump into me. This is a minor annoyance, you might think. It can and does actively anger me, particularly lately. People getting in my way or just being in the way and loud noises make me unreasonably angry. I know I did just walk around someone. I do.
Related to noise, I can't handle arguments. If family members are arguing, or if I'm over at a house as a guest and there is an argument, I will leave the room. Not doing so makes me extremely anxious and/or angry. I just need it to stop.
With respect to noise, this is more a problem for me outside of work - at home, for instance or out at a friend's house. Noise that I'm not in control of us very debilitating for me. Loud children, pets, a radio or television that I might not be able to turn down due to circumstances, these all stress me out. I can't speak out understand people properly or even focus. I have taken to carrying ear phones with me to play my own music at a tolerable level in one ear at most times. I've actually found this helpful - despite it adding to the overall noise level, it's something I can control. I find this calming.
I often feel disposable in romantic and personal relationships. I feel as though I am only kept around for as long as I am useful to others and will be discarded, put aside, what have you, at the earliest convenience, or as soon as something more attractive/worthwhile comes along. I have referred to this in the past as feeling like "a way station in life" or "being placed back on the shelf".
Feeling disposable has left me with the belief that I will always be alone in life and that there is no one out there that is a suitable partner for me. In order to be suitable, after all, someone would have to find me worthwhile enough to love long term.
I have cultivated in myself a very high degree of self control. This helps to keep my worst desires and impulses in check. I have no fear of committing suicide or making a snap decision in a moment of anger or despair. I do not fly into rages wherein I punch things, or scream at people, or destroy property, for instance: and I very seldom even slam doors I do not believe myself to be capable of doing so. I simply will not allow it.
I have no real fear of death or physical harm. It is not a foreign concept or anything, I can conceive of it, it just does not bother me in any way. In the past, I have taken more care not to harm others than to avoid injury to myself. I was in a car accident a few years back - I lost control of the car. Instead of trying to get it into the road, I steered into a large snowbank more or less at speed, assuming that while I myself might be injured, it was not acceptable to take the arguably safer option for fear of harming another driver. There have been other moments in my life where I have very calmly and rationally placed myself into what I believed was a high degree of physical danger for the betterment of others. Instinct likely plays a role, but I have always been very conscious of the decision I am making.
I often daydream about being dead, or dying. I do not plan to do so, it just kind of enters my head. The fantasy (for lack of a better word) leaves me with a feeling of peace.
As mentioned above, these daydreams and countless others come unbidden, and I am rarely able to snap myself out of them. I have referred to these as "daymares".
These daymares, in addition to feelings of being disposable, undesirable, that I will never be enough for a partner, that I am undeserving of one, that I do not exist except in the moment, are thoughts that I am aware have no basis in logic. Knowing this does not help me. Instead, it exacerbates my feeling of being "split".
I'll add to this list as I think of things.
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Review Yarloo ($yarl) Project.
Yarloo - The Ultimate Crypto Lottery
Changing the crypto space by giving back to our community
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The anti-bear solution the entire crypto space deserves. We're a lottery platform full of products using NFT and DeFi technology as well as our very own RST.
https://yarloo.vercel.app/
#bsc #yarloo #yarl #ido #cryptocurrency #cryptocurrencies #RST $YARL
INTRODUCTION
Yarloo is a new take on the lottery gambling system well known to everyone around the globe. We felt that the current state of lottery is quite… lacking, to say the least. It’s not fun, the risks are too high and your chances are dim. Very. Here’s a quote from K5: “According to Lottery USA, the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot are 1 in 302.6 million and the odds of winning the Powerball jackpot are 1 in 292.2 million. Combine those two and the odds of winning both jackpots for more than a billion dollars comes out to 1 in 88 quadrillion. That’s the number 88 followed by 15 zeros.
But with the current advancement of the crypto space, we at Yarloo felt like there was so-mething that could be done to revolutionize the lottery system around the world, and to make it much more fun, give people significantly higher chances of winning, creating much more flexible jackpot pools, and introducing NFT card sets as the core function behind tickets. Also the fun aspect of making the entire theme of the project revolve around pirates!
Through this methodology, we believe that, while lottery gives people significantly small chances of winning, cryptofying that system, wrapping it with fun games and money making features for those who don’t want to risk too much would potentially change the shape of the entire lottery industry, and that’s the clear end-game for us at Yarloo.
RST — The Revolutionary Crypto Revenue Sharing System
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The world’s economic nature has been shifting non-stop ever since the founding of cryptocurrencies, having started with Bitcoin, and now with over 4,000 cryptocurrencies existing, the total market cap of all crypto assets combined is at a whopping $2,000,000,000,000 market cap at the time of writing this article.
Ever since the rise of Decentralized Finance, Non Fungible Tokens, and so many more elements that changed the shape of this industry, this space became incredibly attractive to outsiders to the point where it’s now like moths being attracted to flames.
Unfortunately, however, while this space is significantly better than the current dated FIAT system, it’s not without its fair share of flaws. Most importantly, the fact that if you’re in this space as an investor or a trader, it’s quite likely that you’ll lose a percentage of funds, even if you ultimately profit. It’s bound to happen, and everyone has gone through this.
The problem is that people keep losing funds for holding, or trading at the wrong time, or just that they entered at the same time when whales decided to exit their positions, causing a crash and leaving retail in the dust.
But what if there was a method that could alter this system for retail’s benefits, in fact, what if there was an ecosystem that can allow both whales and retail to profit simultaneously without having to do any trading whatsoever? Could this be the factor needed to prevent bear markets entirely?
This is where RST, or rather Revenue Sharing Token systems come into play. As the name suggests, the method concentrates on sharing revenue like how stockholders receive dividends every set duration for their investment, albeit the dividends are usually quite minor in comparison to the investment they made, and the ROI is incredibly slow.
On the other hand, RST is the ability to allow a project’s token holders to receive a set percentage of the company’s revenue automatically just by holding their token, while receiving a proportionally fair share of what the project makes.
Here’s an example:
Project X generates $3,000,000 annually. The gross profit is about $2,500,000. Project X integrates RST into their ecosystem, for which they dedicate 40% of their revenue to be divided however they see fit across the community, so this could be holders, liquidity providers, a specific elite group of holders, whatever the conditions may be, and that group would be eligible to a 40% share of that amount of money, totaling at a whopping $1,000,000 split across the community, consistently, at whatever set amount of time the company decides, be it daily, weekly, monthly, etc.
Depending on how much each individual holds of the token, they’d be prone to earning a larger share of the profits, all for holding the token.
But how does this end the bear market?
Simple! A bear market is basically the crash of the majority of tokens and reaching a bottom zone where its value is quite low. However, if RST was to be implemented in most projects, they would never have to face this dilemma regardless of market sentiment and sell pressure, because using RST revolves around one core factor that is essential for it to succeed:
Holding the token and not selling it.
Earning more than you’d ever get from dividends by holding cryptocurrencies is quite lucrative, and would attract many investors to adopt the “HODLing” mindset — more importantly, projects can also allocate a certain percentage of their revenue to buyback programs where they can later burn the tokens they bought or put them back into the ecosystem, meaning the market value remains consistently safe at a healthy resistance zone with the potential of continuously meeting ATHs.
But there’s a catch.
RST isn’t perfect. There’s one problem that will make it not applicable to all projects, which is the fact that it would be a total failure if the project implementing it is generating minimal revenue. For instance, if a project only generates $100,000 annually, the RST share that holders receive will be fairly low, and not enticing enough for them to keep holding the token and would rather sell it later, meaning that most companies that would adopt this method will need to either:
Have a powerful business model that generates at least $1,000,000 annually.
Create a new revenue model around their project to generate enough funds for RST to work.
And lastly, they will need the power of their HODlers, the true frontline and heroes of any cryptocurrency’s economy, and a cornerstone for the RST ecosystem to work properly. A living proof of this is how HODLers stood their grounds when BTC was having its first major correction in 2021, and how they wouldn’t let it go back to the point of no return, instead, they enabled it to persevere until it was restored to a much more powerful foundation, so companies better have all the right incentives to get their HODlers together, and RST will most certainly help achieve that incentive.
As of now, the only RST company at the time of writing this article is Yarloo, a crypto lottery company that has a robust business model that allows users to steadily generate revenue for themselves and the company, allowing for substantially high revenue streams that would feed into the RST ecosystem they’d built.
Yarloo is the company behind the RST concept, and the original founder of how it works. We offer RST integrations and consultations to fellow crypto projects, and would love to play our part in allowing retail investors and traders to never feel exposed to market corrections ever again.
About Yarloo
Yarloo is one more translation of the lottery wagering structure outstanding to everyone all through the planet. We felt that the current status of lottery is very olacking, undoubtedly. It’s terrible, the risks are too high and your conceivable outcomes are weak. Regardless, with the current progress of the crypto space, we at Yarloo felt like there was mething so much that ought to be feasible to change the lottery structure all through the planet, and to make it extensively more fun, permit people basically higher chances of winning, making considerably more versatile treasure trove pools, and introducing NFT card sets as the middle limit behind tickets. Similarly the incredible piece of making the entire subject of the endeavor pivot around privateers!
Through this methodology, we acknowledge that, while lottery permits people basically little chances of winning, cryptofying that structure, wrapping it with fun games and worthwhile parts for individuals who might rather not peril a great deal of would potentially change the condition of the entire lottery industry, and that is the undeniable end-game for us at Yarloo.
How it Work
On Yarloo, you will really need to check out different fiscally supportive activities, including, anyway not limited to:
- Solo Lottery Jackpots
- Team Lottery Jackpots
- Fortune Spinners
- NFT Trading Center
- Yarloo Wallet (for checking and exchanging our tokens)
- Arcade Games
- DeFi Lending and Borrowing System
As can be seen, Yarloo is offering a wide scope of ways to deal with check out our original lottery system, and to benefit through different styles and approaches. Use our fortune spinners to check whether you could assemble another exceptional card that extends your possibilities. Is it exact to say that you are a finder who has amassed a gigantic number of critical cards as time goes on? The trading center is yours for the taking, and there are from a genuine perspective no risks at all as you’re simply selling your cards. In the event that you’re not as fortunate with cards and don’t want to confront high difficulties, then most certainly, stamping is your best methodology.
Different Us
What makes Yarloo unprecedented, regardless, is the means by which it utilizes the NFT system, making it the standard engine behind the entry tickets. Accepting you need to partake, you ought to enter by orchestrating out a specific game plan of cards that you own. Joining cards can regularly net you unprecedented characteristics, dependent upon the exceptionalness and sort of the card, and the likeness features it could have with various cards that you may guarantee. Cards are your passage ticket, and it’s the solitary way you can endeavor your shot at winning the huge stake.
To enter using cards, there’s a part charge that ought to be put away into the pool to add to the incredible prize, anyway by then you will be permitted to disseminate 5 cards just from your set, going along with them to have the best result which would fabricate your conceivable outcomes. If your strategy ends up extraordinary, you may have gotten yourself a gold mine, and congratulations would be all together.
Product and Features
Yarloo will be overflowing with cool arrangements that will be unfathomably useful for everybody, and as we acquire progress later on, we’ll start including more, and analyze them with our neighborhood we can see what else ought to be conceivable in Yarloo.
- RST : Yarloo is the world’s first assignment to execute a development known as “Pay Sharing Token”, which allows the neighborhood get 30% of Yarloo’s advantages to serve the organic framework whereupon it is manufactured.
- NFT : We’re also the essential lottery project in crypto history to utilize NFT cards as your guideline segment ticket system in any pool! This infers instead of buying tickets, your tickets are tended to by the cards you’re using in your lottery pools.
- DeFi : You’ll have the alternative to benefit fiscally from Yarloo as a result of its cross variety DeFi structure, fundamentally by allowing you to get 2% of a pool’s advantages on the off chance that you’re its creator, and by benefitting from our RST natural framework on the off chance that you’re holding enough $YARL.
RST ECOSYSTEM
Revenue Sharing Token, or RST for short, is the revolutionary backbone of Yarloo the first implementation of its kind in what will one day become just as recognized as NFT and DeFi technologies, RST is how Yarloo can be weaponized as an anti-bear project, one that could withstand any market sentiment. How it works is fairly simple, and it can be reconfigured based on each company’s preference, but we’ll be using Yarloo as the core example for how RST will be utilized given that we’re the original founders of this concept and its first integrators.
Seed & IDO Investors: 30%
Holders: 25%
Buyback: 20%
LP Providers: 15%
Wheel of Fortune/Rewards Pool: 10%
CARDS SYSTEM
Our card system isn’t really complicated. There will be 5 types of cards, ranking from bottom to top as:
These 5 types of cards have incredibly different functions and values. For example, petty cards only grant 1 ticket per card, due to their low value, and Bronze cards give out 2 tickets per card, but both of them have no special attributes and can’t be paired with any other card.
On the other hand, starting from Silver to Sapphire, cards give out much more tickets and all of them have special attributes. Silver cards give out 5 tickets per card, Gold gives out 10, and Sapphire grants 50 participation tickets.
Card sets will be consistently released in Yarloo, even after launch, as it will always be a vital part of the system of how everything works. There will be 3 types of card sets, so that users can know what to expect from each one of them:
Standard
Premium
Eccentric
ROADMAP
Q3 2021:
Funding Rounds Conclusion
3-5 Card Sets Launch
Wallet Alpha
Marketplace Alpha
Q4 2021:
Wheel of Fortune Release
Lottery Platform Launch
Bridging $YARL to new networks
First CEX listing
5-8 New Card Sets
Fusion System Testing
Governance features for $YARL holders
Updated Lightpaper
Q1 2022:
Venturing around the Seven Seas!
We’ll continue updating our roadmap depending on new introductions, the games we announce, and so much more. For the time being, only information surrounding Q3 and Q4 of this year are available.
For more information, please follow our social links below:
Website : https://yarloo.vercel.app/
Telegram : https://t.me/yarloochat
Telegram Channel : https://t.me/yarlannouncements
Twitter : https://twitter.com/yarloo_rst
Medium : https://medium.com/@yarloo
Reddit : https://www.reddit.com/r/yarloo
Author:
Forum Username: Manuel Akanji
Forum Profile Link: https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?action=profile;u=2954998
Telegram Username: @Manuelakanji777
BEP20 Wallet address: 0x00F321558065b1c9dca5e6EcbeECE9B01F73D6E1
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tehuti88-art · 3 years
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7/18/21: r/SketchDaily theme, "The Best Comic Book Character." I don't read comic books... 😕
Here's something, though. In junior high school journalism class I participated by drawing two-panel comic strips, featuring my characters, for the school newsletter. Nobody seemed to ever "get" my jokes or find them funny, so my writing was an abject failure back then just as it is now. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But anyway, here I've decided to re-create the one comic I remember most clearly, featuring my Jack Russell puppy character, Pipsqueak. (Previously I've toyed with the idea of redesigning him to look more like a Jack Russell, but haven't yet.) And now you can probably see why the journalism teacher was the only person who seemed to like my comics. (Though maybe she was just being nice. Probably.)
Fun fact, while drawing this I happened to look up at the Main Street Mackinac Island cam I like to watch and noticed that Murdick's Fudge is right there in the shot, haha.
Tumblr edit: This got one upvote (wasn't expecting much, it's not a good drawing)...and just now, a downvote. It's difficult to get downvoted in SketchDaily, so something in my post was exceptionally offensive to someone. Was it the fact that I don't read comic books? I made no judgement on those who do, but my time spent on a writing forum in the past showed me that any. Little. Difference in tastes, such as merely saying you don't use books on tape or read vampire fiction, can royally piss people off. DAMN did I get reamed for both of those.
Was it me pointing out the fact that my writing has never been successful? I know some people mistakenly assume my downplaying of my so-called "skills" is merely false modesty, but this is objectively true--I've been posting my work online for 21 years, and currently have zero readers. At my best times--probably around 2005 at the most recent--I had about 2-3 readers and none of them stuck around for more than a year or so. And I'm lucky to get one compliment on my work every few years, from somebody I never hear from again--usually on a story I gave up on years ago. I have never once been able to attract or maintain an audience.
I have no reason for false modesty when my work genuinely sucks, and ironically, this downvote helps confirm it. I'm left confused and wondering if that was this user's point. I really don't need more confirmation of my complete lack of useful talents, but life keeps handing it over anyway. I had a rough night last night (lots of rough nights lately, including some unexplained physical pain), crying for a while about my uselessness and all the mistakes I've made and how well-meaning people always urge you to reach out when you're feeling such a way, but I know that no matter how many times I reach out through my online accounts, nobody will respond or care; so this confirmation of my worthlessness, right on cue like it's a sign, hits doubly hard. I don't know why I pour out this pain every time, though, for this very reason. No one cares. No one is reading this far if at all.
Maybe even I'm bigheaded for assuming there was a reason for the downvote besides my drawing just really sucking THAT much.
To the very few people who look at this blog (it currently has 11 followers, most of whom seem inactive), I'm not being falsely modest, I do feel bad and apologize for the days when my art especially sucks, like today, and I'm sorry it isn't very good even on what I consider my rare "good days." I really, really wish I had something worthwhile to offer the world but it seems to be beyond my abilities. 😞
[Life At LRU Revamp [‎Sunday, ‎July ‎18, ‎2021, ‏‎5:05:38 AM]]
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