#guess i'm still mad about how awful the process was

[bananonbinary]

as a certified Diagnosed Autist(TM) i cannot stress enough that i am not only pro- self-diagnosis, but also pretty anti- legal medical diagnosis. it is, at best, a cruel hoop we have to jump through so privileged people will deign to give us what we need. don't fucking do that shit unless you have to, it was disgustingly expensive, fucking humiliating, infantilizing, and dehumanizing, and would probably actively cause problems in my life if i didn't have some really good allistic (-passing) people in my corner and also wasn't so fucking disabled that it mostly doesn't matter.

literally get that diagnosis if you need it for job/school accessibility shit or SSI or whatever, and otherwise dont tell the government SHIT about yourself. there is zero good reason for them to want that information. that's between you and the people you want in your life.

#as a side note: this goes for gender too #dont fucking get a special marker on your passport or whatever #trying to get ssi has made me realize how deeply cruel the system is #never reveal any vulnerability you have unless it's absolutely necessary #do not do this stuff for validation the government is not your friend and you should seek emotional fulfillment elsewhere #hm this post turned out a lot angrier than i meant #guess i'm still mad about how awful the process was #it wasnt even long it was just. so *impersonal.* #this woman talked to me for two hours. went down a fairly bigoted checklist. #didnt ask me my own opinion on much of anything. and then declared a bunch of her impressions as if they hold weight just bc shes allistic #like how i have 'identity issues' (am trans and dont want a romantic partner) #and thats just. my permanent record of diagnosis! this two hour conversation with a stranger! she doesnt fucking know me #we paid like $500 for that

[tipsyleaf]

The relationship between Violet and her mother since she’s an angsty teen now I feel would just worsen a little when she found out she was having a little brother. They were probably so close when she was little. It was already a little rocky (what teen girl didn’t have a rough patch with their mom at that age. Ik I did) but the addition of a new baby just means less attention for her. She was probably too young to process it when Cecilia was born cause she was little but being a teen and the idea of having a new baby must be rough. Especially as the months pass on and her mom tries to bridge the gap between them before he’s born, only thankfully it was fixed after he entered the world :)

(Oh it be so sweet conversation though. I can only imagine the moment they finally talk it out.)

It's late at night. You can't fall back asleep after waking up for Scottie's 2am feeding and you're down in the living room, watching TV in the dark. Violet comes out of her room to get water and sees her mother awake on the couch. She just walks past with her water bottle not saying anything at all and grabs water from the fridge. Moving to go back to her room you finally say something.

"Not even gonna say hi?" Violet stops as she's about to step into the hallway, looking over her shoulder and nods.

"Hi..."

"You wanna sit with me for a few minutes?" Violet nods again, walking over and sitting at the other end of the couch. This is the farthest she's ever been from you in a long time. The air is thick and tense as you both watch whatever you have on.

"You okay?" Violet takes a sip of her water, nodding again, but she won't look at you.

The silence fills the room again, making the TV way too loud to you as you start thinking.

"This reminds me of when you were 3..." You smile, finally getting her attention to look at you.

"You got so mad at your father for giving me kisses first before you when he got back from a work trip and you refused to talk to him for 2 hours."

"I don't remember that." She moves closer, curling up into your side. You put your arm around her and kiss the top of her head. Smelling her lavender scent with an even bigger smile.

"Of course you don't, you were too little... Are you mad at me?" Violet tenses up under your touch. You look down lifting her face up, her eyes meeting yours. Slightly damp.

"Not mad just... Left out." The realization hits you. Ever since the baby was born you'd been so preoccupied making sure Cecilia knew you still loved her and take care of Scott... You forgot that your oldest still needed reassurance, even at her age.

"Aw, sweet pea... I'm sorry." You hug her tightly, rubbing her back as she hugs you for dear life.

"It's okay."

"No it's not. You deserve time with me... I know you sure as hell need a break from your father... He's so far up your ass he could tell you what your insides look like." She chuckles, smiling for the first time in a while as you kiss her forehead.

"Can we spend time together?"

"Of course honey! If you want to spend time with me or ever just need me we please tell me. I grew up with grandma and I'm thankful for her but she smothered me... So I thought giving you space was the right idea. I guess I gave you too much."

You sit back, continuing to rub her back as she relaxes into your side, thinking about anything and everything you could do together.

"Okay... How about instead of you doing daddy daughter day with your sister you come out with me? You always look so miserable when you come home from those."

"Ah... We always do such... Kiddie stuff. It's boring but I just can't tell Dad."

"Well, we can do more adult stuff together... Like, get a Mani Pedi... Go shopping, eat and maybe a movie? Would you like that?"

"I'd like that a lot actually... Thanks."

"Of course baby. Anything for you." You hug her tight again, squeezing her to you as she groans.

"Mommy please, I can't breathe." You let her go, smiling and holding her at arms length.

"Did you just call me Mommy?!" She looks embarrassed for a moment.

"Felt right... Just don't tell Dad or neither of us will hear the end of it."

#leon kennedy x reader #leon s kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x fem reader #🌿 ivy replies #🌿 ivy writes #leon s kennedy #resident evil x reader #🏡 domestic life with leon kennedy

[jamiesfootball]

❔

❔Choose a random WIP and talk about it.

So I've got this random wip that's been sitting in my drafts that is basically:

Roy and Jamie stick around after the gala talking to each other and having a surprisingly great time about it

'Give him an inch and he'll act like it's been three weeks' Jamie then shows up the next day assuming him and Roy are like. Best friends

'Takes 5 to 6 months to process things' Roy Kent is like fuck no. You're an awful person.

Jamie: *shocked pikachu face*

Roy: *does not want to feel bad about it* *does not want to feel bad about it* *the prick did it to himself* ........ *FEELS BAD*

Roy: be less of a dick and then we'll talk

Jamie: .......how much less of a dick?

Roy: what?

Jamie: like, 20% less?

Roy: No.

Jamie: 30%?

Roy: At least 90% less of a dick than your current levels of dickishness

Jamie: Can't go that high, I've got an image to protect. 75%

Roy: 80.

Jamie: Deal. FIFA at my place?

Roy: the fuck did I just agree to

What takes place after that is a slapstick level of antics as Jamie attempts (fails) (succeeds while failing?) to be exactly 80% nicer, which to him means that for every 4 '''nice''' things he does, he gets to cash in 1 free coupon to be a dick and Roy can't get mad at him for it. He's turned being nice into a points system.

"At least the good outweighs the bad?" Ted suggests when Roy tells him, which tells Roy that Ted isn't taking this seriously.

And the nice things he does? Somewhere between 'confused but he's got the spirit' and 'I guess that technically counts but I'm not happy with it.'

Nate - Compliments his hair every time he sees him. “Well I’m talking up, yeah? So his perceived value will seem higher than it actually is. Technically this should count as two since he's clearly insecure about it - I mean, why else would he keep dying it all the time. He isn't fooling anyone.”

[Isaac is now convinced Jamie is gay and in love with Nate. Colin is dying inside because when he tries to correct Isaac, Isaac acts like Colin is being homophobic. Jamie has no idea. Nate's self-esteem grows exponentially fast.]

Sam - Steps over him. Gets yelled at by Roy for not checking on his teammate. Points out Sam isn't actually hurt. Roy tells him it's still his job to back Sam up. Jamie backs Sam up by going at the guy who tackled him and gets yellow carded off the field.

This is not what Ted intended, but it's not...not the kind of behavior he wants from Jamie?

The entire team is just confused. Roy doesn't know how this became his problem.

Jamie is... confused for other reasons. Because he only did all this stuff, yeah, because there's this stupid bit inside him that he can't seem to shut up that's always been hurt that Roy Kent seems to hate him. And now Roy seems to (mostly) like (tolerate) him, and it's a little terrifying how fucking starved he is for that now. Not just from Roy either. Somewhere along the lines the other players on the team have warmed up to him too, and Ted looks pleased with him lately, and it all just way to much positive attention and validation for someone who's been starved for it for so long.

To his horror, the whole being nice thing is becoming a reflex. He hardly notices now when he tosses out a compliment that Nate's looking sharp today. He cashes in a point to tell Sam his passing was shit, then follows it up with a 'but you're looking faster out there' so he can start working up to the next point. Sam smiles at him like he never ever said the first part.

Sometimes Jamie catches himself being nicer and realizes he forgot to count it towards his points at all.

The more confused Jamie gets, the more concerned Roy finds himself about this whole weird situation. Frustratingly, he finds he actually likes Jamie. When he's not going out of his way to be a pain in the ass, Roy actually enjoys his company. Plus, now that he's tolerable to be around, Roy can stomach passing to him, and Richmond is starting to play well?

Then Jamie gets sent back to City : )

#in my head i've been calling this one 'ted lasso but with at least 50% more sports anime' #ask game #ask box is always open #sorry if you wanted something about one of my actual in progress wips #i psyched myself out and didn't know what parts of them to talk about #despite the fact that i am dying to talk about them #and then partway through this post I was like 'oh! I could have talked about this!' #but it was too late #jamie tartt #roy kent #afc richmond

[idyllcy]

fun to believe, but they always leave

Word count: 11.5k

Warnings: Smut. (not explicitly described but still), teacher/student, immortal/reincarnated mortal

Summary: The sun chases after the moon for eternity.

What's the point of living?

You're not quite sure yourself.

Friedrich Nietzsche would argue that there is no point in living. He claims the question is meaningless since we're in no position to determine whether our lives hold value, and stepping outside of the process of existence to answer is impossible. It's not like we're some omnipotent being watching all of this unfold. Nietzsche had even claimed that god was dead. You assume that may be where you end up one day. Philosophy majors were just as ancient as those who created it were. All your professors resembled stone statues put up in colleges. What was with them and having beards? But even if you pondered the universe for ages, you would never understand it. Love was just as complex yet, so much prettier to study.

As you step into the classroom again, you spot a new face among the same group of students that you studied in that class with. He's pretty. Yet, his hair is so white that you could almost mistake him as a teacher if it weren't for the fact that he had not a single wrinkle on his skin. You wonder if he's a student-teacher here. It wasn't uncommon that they taught classes, yet you're surprised at the male teaching a course on love of all things. He has pretty green eyes. You wonder if he could be aphrodite with how pretty he was. But alas, beauty was subjective.

You sit down at a desk, laptop out. The rest of the class files in, and the male you had been staring at steps to the podium. Resting his books onto the podium, he pulls out a laptop and a stack of papers. You tilt your head in confusion.

"Welcome to CAMSUA 428 - Love Eternally," The student-teacher hums. "I'm the professor for this course, Professor Komaeda. If you're taking this course, you're either a psych major, deliriously in love with someone, or you came to learn how to manipulate someone into loving you. I'm not one to judge," He pauses. "Did any of you read about me on rate your professor?"

"Yes! Your course sounds like a lot of fun!"

"I'm glad to hear that," he smiles. "I'm also a lot of analysis and everything. This class ranges from neuroscience of a person in love to the body habits of a person in love. I cover everything."

"Prof, are you married?"

"No," He shakes his head. "Unfortunately, the soul I am waiting for has not returned."

"But you wear a ring from on your ring finger?"

On Komaeda's ring finger rests a flower ring set in resin. The flowers are a little dried out, but it's still pretty. "Ah, that's from a childhood sweetheart."

"How old are you?!"

"That's a secret," Komaeda winks at them, a finger over his lips. "Wanna guess?"

"Twenty-eight!"

"Thirty!"

"427!" You blurt out. You're not sure why that number came to mind specifically, but it's left your lips before you can even think it through. Your professor looks familiar. You don't know why. He looks like he's barely in his 20s; why the hell would he be 427-

Komaeda stares at you, and he smiles. "All excellent guesses. Though, I wonder why one of you know how old I actually am."

"H-huh?!"

"Just kidding!" Komaeda laughs.

The light in the room shines on him in the center, causing him to stand in a nearly holy glow. He's pretty. You see the way the other students in the class stare at him in awe. Now that you take a closer look at him, the top buttons on his royal green button-up are open, his white turtleneck resting underneath. His sleeves are folded up to his elbow, and a gold watch rests on his left wrist. He stares at the class as he shifts his weight onto one leg; you take note of his cuffed black jeans and the skull chain hanging off the belt loop. He's wearing... are those combat boots? His hair is nicely combed, yet it had a sense of madness to it. Actually, it doesn't look that combed upon second look. The round glasses on his nose have little chains dangling off of the sides, and he smiles at the class. He looks straight out of a movie.

"Say, Y/n-chan, you didn't say that on purpose, did you? Think I'm too old for you?"

You're caught off guard when he calls you by name.

"I know a handful of you by name; please don't feel creeped out," Komaeda chuckles. "Pull out your syllabuses. We're going over that today."

Professor Komaeda resembles the moon almost. The way his voice is breathy despite young, and the way his eyes always look so distant while teaching. His voice resembles those of the sirens. He pulls and lulls you closer and closer to him. You kind of wish this was a lecture class instead of a discussion class. You stop caring when Komaeda flashes a pretty smile at you though. Oh, he's pretty. You wonder how old he was. There had been rumors that this year's professor was completely new instead of the old one. Apparently, last year's professor left after his wife was transferred to another school. But then again, according to the front office, he just took a year off last year. You wonder what kind of professor gets privilege like that.

You don't find it in yourself to care. You're much too focused on the way your professor looks no older than you. You'd fuck him. He doesn't even look like the hot professor in the dilf way; he just looks like a college preppy boy who ends up railing you stupid after the first date. You wonder if that's what he is. The corners of your lips curl into a smile unconsciously, and your professor takes notice. He doesn't comment on it, but turns to continue rambling about the syllabus. You want to kiss him breathless. You wonder how you're having such awful thoughts about your professor of all people, but you can't deny that you're not the only one who wants him in more ways than one.

"During the first quarter, we study the science behind love. Neuroscience is strange, and for the basic gist of it, your brain is royally screwed over when you're in love with someone," He chuckles. "Then, in the second quarter, we dive into the works of the works of Solaria and all the others. According to the artist, each reincarnation of theirs, no matter how far away, always found themself back at the museum their lover built them in their first life. It's kind of funny watching that relative find them after a century or two. Though, those are only rumors. Reincarnation is rare, if not completely a bluff."

"Ah, is it the artist Solaris? The one who has a recurring theme with the sky?"

"Correct!" Komaeda smiles. "Mi-chan, was it? Solaris is one of many souls that reincarnate and continue to pursue art. Have you been to the museum dedicated to them?"

"I have!" Another student calls. "Their art pieces through each life are gorgeous! And that portrait is so jaw-droppingly gorgeous! Professor, you kind of look like the portrait."

"I've been told," Komaeda smiles. "But that's not the point, because we're going to admire another piece of art by them. We're studying the man in the stars, not the man in the sun."

"The stars?"

"This one," Komaeda presents a photo on the board.

It looks like Komaeda. The blue of the night seems to cover him in a thin veil, the paleness of his eyes are so vibrant. The boy looks sick, yet he looked elated. The smile on his face and the finger pointed at the moon. The painting seems to come to life; the excited cheering of the boy rings through your ears. Eyes wide with fascination, you can almost hear his words. "There; there! Doesn't it resemble me? Right? Cuz I'm your moon?"

"Yes." You mumble under your breath. "It does."

Komaeda glances at you, and he chuckles. "But of course, this piece is compared to the sun piece later on. That one's in their museum, so we'll be going over it later on. There's a lot of parallelism in their works. It seems as if everything they draw reflects the stars."

"I heard their muse was a boy they grew up with."

"It was," Komaeda smiles. "You see him in a lot of their works, if not all of them. All of the paintings include him and two others, if not three. The pink haired girl, the brown haired boy, and then the black haired male. The three of them are always trailing behind the white haired boy. Other times, they sit on a cloth, a picnic set with them. The three of them are always smiling, the black haired boy only cracking a smile occasionally. They looked peaceful. Even in the scenery paintings under the stars or sun, there was never once when they weren't smiling."

The students stare in awe. "Solaria grew up without parents as an orphan who painted everything they saw. The paint they used was hand made at first, the majority of the colors were things you could find in nature. Eventually, they would meet their sponsor out in a field under the moon. It's anticlimatic in a way, but that sponsor would eventually grow to become their muse."

"How romantic!"

"Exactly!" Komaeda laughs. "So then the reason this class focuses on Solaria's works so much is precisely because of how they only loved one person in their life. There was no other in their relationship. Of course, other than them, we also cover all the other people. We just so happen to cover Solaria the majority of quarter two."

"Professor are you in love with them?"

"Maybe," Komaeda smiles. "After all, their life was quite the fairytale."

Komaeda is pretty. You don't know if he's caught on, but you haven't been paying attention for ages by now. It's funny. He looks exactly like Solaria's muse, the only thing different was the hair. Well, it's the same shade. You wonder if he's aware of that. Maybe he was addicted to the artist because they had painted someone who looked like him centuries ago. You ponder all the possibilities, but you don't worry about it too much. The content of the syllabus goes in one ear and out the other. You miss the entire syllabus. You don't even know that he left homework today. Oops.

Komaeda stares at the clock, and he smiles. "I'll dismiss you all early today. Go get some rest before your next class."

You blink out of focus, and then stare at the clock.

A handful of students rush out firsthand, and you slip your laptop back into your tote bag.

"Ah, Y/n," Professor Komaeda smiles. "Did you catch anything I said in class today?"

"No," You grin. "But I'll go over the syllabus when I get home. Mi-chan pays more attention than I do."

He clicks his tongue. "I'll just go over it with you right now."

He slips into the seat next to yours, and he smiles at you. "how old are you?"

"Trying to catch a case, professor?" You chuckle. "I'm not telling you."

"Just curious," He smiles. "Did you miss everything?"

"Almost." You grin. "I heard the part about Solaria and neuroscience though."

"The rest goes that we're working outside the majority of the time," Komaeda laughs. "And a handful of the classes are going to be at my place since my family holds all of their works."

"How rich," You mumble. "Alright. Anything else?"

"No," He smiles.

"Thank you, professor!" You grin, throwing your bag over your shoulder.

You stroll out the door, and Komaeda's eyes linger on you. You never change.

The world is an interesting place. Nothing determines the way we live. Many live just to live their life to the fullest. Why do people study? Knowledge is power. But is all that knowledge really power if the only thing you need to know is how to survive? What made man develop into what they are now? Why is mankind this way? Nietzsche said the world would end if mankind didn't stop destroying the planet, yet here we all are. The carbon in the air is worse than ever before, and we have barely a few years before carbon emissions, and the climate is changed permanently. So then why do people live? It's amusing to think of.

Komaeda only teaches one course in the entire university. He's well known amongst certain students; something along the lines of losing a hand in a bomb incident he caused. You're confused as to how a student who was a literal terrorist was teaching a philosophy course, but you suppose there is no sane philosophy student. The previous professor nearly destroyed his school, but then again, he has a cute little gamer girl wife. You wonder what you did wrong for the universe to hate you like that. When would YOU get a man like that? When would you live out the life of your dreams with a man who only loves you?

He's also never on campus.

You set your dinner tray down, and you stare at the Italian stained glass plastered everywhere on the windows. It had a nearly gothic vibe to the dining hall. It's never this empty, but then again, it's late into the evening. Traces of the sun are gone, instead, replaced with the blue glow you see from the moon. The glass would look prettier in the day, though. You sit down next to your roommate, her smiling at you.

"He looks familiar." You mumble.

"Well no shit, he looks like the boy in the portrait." Your roommate shrugs. "It's his relative, no?"

"No," You hum. "Same person."

"Huh?"

You open your laptop, and you show your roommate. "Our professor is either a direct descendant, has reALLY strong genes, or he's the same person. Since the professor lost his parents when young, there's no record of his parents whatsoever. I'm just assuming that he's the same person."

"So a reincarnator?"

"Maybe," You shrug. "But those are rare, so it might just be a coincidence. Wouldn't you fall in love with someone who adored you centuries ago to the point that you're hung up in a museum dedicated to your artist?"

"Perhaps," Your roommate smiles. "Have you read the first chapter on neuroscience yet?"

"Nope!" You grin. "But I know the basics of it."

"Why are you in this class again? You don't even need this to graduate?"

"Something told me that I'll find something important here." You smile. "Well, not that it matters. I just want to understand what creates art and the pieces that it adores."

Your roommate chuckles. "It's a shame, if you recalled your past life, I would have asked if we were friends."

"I have a feeling we were," You hum. "I always include you in my warmup sketches."

"And yet you're not an art major," She hums, a smile on her face. "Why'd you choose psychology?"

You stare at her. "Because science explains everything, if not putting a label on it."

"True," She mumbles. "But even then, with hands like yours, I wouldn't be surprised if you could create life one day."

"That'd be hilarious," You chuckle. "But it's pretty, isn't it? That hands like Solaria's could create such beautiful art. Their muse was gorgeous in their paintings."

"Yeah," Your roommate sighs. "I wish someone would love me like that."

"Oh, please," You grumble. "At least you have someone who loves you."

"You're single by choice."

"I'm really not," You stab your broccoli. "I get no bitches."

"Oh, you do," Your roommate mirrors your move. "Only under the pen name."

"Yeah, but that's not me," You shrug. "Say, if our professor is single, do you think I have a chance?"

You dodge the spoon she throws at you.

"The moon loves their stars. The nerves in your body seem to resemble the stars in some way. A bridge to another, the running and spinning to chase after it desperately. The neurotransmitters being held by the dendrites. The way your skin lights up at the softest of touches. Love is a strange thing." Komaeda hums. "Do any of us know the names of the chemical released when in love?"

"Oxytocin!"

"One more," Komaeda smiles at the student.

"Half," You mumble to your roommate, the two of you taking notes.

"On his nerves?"

"No," You mumble. "Not her. Someone else. I know who that someone is, but they're doing it on purpose."

"Vasopressin!"

"Good job," Komaeda raises his brows, a smile on his face.

"Close enough," You mumble.

"Y/n-chan, Mi-chan, do you two have something you'd like to share with the class?"

Your roommate pauses, and she stares at you.

"Professor, what's on your mind?" You thrust your chin gently.

Your roommate stares at you, eyes wide.

"Nothing, why?" He smiles, eyes closed.

"Catch that?" You mumble, your roommate clicking on the keys. "Lie."

"Are you psychoanlyzing me in class?"

"Reading your microexpressions, but yes," You smile. "Sorry about that, professor."

Komaeda sighs, and he goes back to the lesson.

"First one to figure out what's pissing him off gets free dinner."

"Oh, it is on."

"What part of the brain isn't active while we're in love?"

"Amygdala," You call.

"Correct," He smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

"What a genuine smile," Your roommate shudders. "Disgusting."

"He's barely any older than we are," You type a note into your doc. "He's irritated because I wasn't participating. Bingo."

"I hate you," She grumbles.

"The amygdala, frontal cortex, parietal cortex, and middle temporal cortex are all at minimum activity when you're in love," Komaeda smiles. "You know that euphoric feeling of being in love and fearing nothing? That's what love feels like. The amygdala is mainly for fear and anger, so the decreased activity in that area, which means you feel safe in their arms. To add on that, your frontal cortex makes decisions, which means love is blind. Literally."

You finish the notes, and you hum, closing your laptop.

Your roommate stares at you, something clicking in the back of her mind.

The milky way revolves around the sun. To people like her, they're just meteors passing by in your life. You stand at the center of everything. Nothing can touch you, you can touch nothing. It hurts. Loving you burns at their body until there's nothing but flames and smoke in their lungs. You're up in the sky to remind people that you exist. You spread warmth at a distance; you burn when close. If the moon froze everyone in their way, then the sun burned everyone who got close. Icarus lost his wings because of you. The boy who got greedy, who fell to his death at a single touch of you. The sun burns people who get close.

She supposes that you're not the only one.

Komaeda resembles the moon. The way his hair is pale without color, the way his skin looks dainty and delicate. He freezes anyone too close. The frostbite is hard to recover from. Komaeda doesn't have close friends. A simple look at him, and people would realize that he's the only one at the back of the room. He's the type to talk to people out of courtesy; yet never approach anyone first. He's cold. Perhaps that's why you were so eager to take up his case. Something to calm the ramming of your heart against your chest, anything to keep you cool-headed. But it's going to kill the both of you if you get too close. It's like mixing fire and water. It will never calm down.

So begins the vicious cycle of the sun chasing the moon.

"Professor," You smile at him. "Were you bothered because I wasn't participating today?"

"Huh?" Komaeda raises his brows. "No? Why so?" he rubs the back of his neck.

"I don't like liars, professor," You purse your lips, pouting at him.

Komaeda blinks, scratching his cheek. "Sorry. You just remind me of someone I study."

"Huh?"

"The newly arising artist? Ah, the one who paints the sunflowers like Van Gogh." Komaeda smiles. "I stayed up late last night, and I was a little annoyed at how their art style resembled Solaria's so much."

"Perhaps Solaria's their inspiration?" You look up, avoiding his eyes.

"Are you not telling me something?"

"Huh?" You stare at him. "No?"

"Mm," Komaeda hums, tapping his chin. "You see... I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm incredibly perceptive, which means I can tell a lie from the truth easily. Now, tell me what you know about what you know."

"No," You stare at him, all signs of lying gone. "I just know that they're an artist who visits the museum often."

"Well, many artists visit the museum often," He hums. "Have you been?"

"No," You shake your head, a smile on your face.

"It's a very nice place. You should visit sometime," Komaeda smiles.

Komaeda is kind to you. His words soothe you, and when you remain after class to talk to him more, there's so much that he breaks down for you. He doesn't ask why you didn't understand the piece and took the course, but he helps you digest it. It's hard to understand what the two of you are. Student and professor? Too foreign. Yet, saying the two of you were friends sounded strange. But then again, it's probably out of character to be sitting in a cafe booth with your professor discussing about Solaria's art.

"You know most of their early life, right?"

"Yeah," Komaeda smiles. "They were a pretty child, but they were poor. Their parents died because of a lack of doctors in the village, and they became a wandering painter. They took up side jobs to pay for the art supplies at first, before their art was found and then sponsored by an old friend. That friend became their muse."

"Their muse was gorgeous," You bite on the straw of your coffee. It hurts; you forgot it was your metal straw. "If someone as pretty as their muse was sponsoring me, I'd draw them for the rest of my life too."

"You draw?"

"A little," You smile. "In my free time."

"That's nice," Komaeda smiles. "Show me sometime?"

"If you'd like," Your eyes trail back to your laptop, and you continue typing. Komaeda has his laptop in front of him, the rays of the setting sun brushing his face. You want to stare. You really do. You force yourself to keep working instead. He isn't a student. Why are you out with him again? Wait.

"Ah, um," You stare at Komaeda. "professor?"

"yes?"

"Why are we at a cafe again?"

"You said you needed help with the assignment."

Oops.

"Right... I did," You blink. "I was not expecting to end up at a coffee shop with you."

"I don't do well in the classroom cold," He smiles. "My apologies. Is this a little too casual for you?"

"No," You shake your head. "It's just... a little strange, perhaps."

"Ah, because you're out with your professor?"

"Well, it's not like you're old or anything," You smile. "So unless they take your class, they probably won't know you're a teacher."

"I hope so," He smiles. "My luck has a tendency to wear out in moments like this sometimes."

"Is that so?" You continue on the assignment. "I heard that Solaria's original muse had a luck cycle as well. If you look closely on a handful of their pieces, you'll find traces of water on the canvas. Probably from rain."

Komaeda stares at you. "You noticed that?"

"I did," You smile. "Because I had a dream or something. Also, because Solaria's muse never married or had children, so the art belonging to someone that's a descendant sounds impossible."

"Is that so?" Komaeda shrugs, pressing his tea to his lips.

"Ah, back on our psychoanalyzing schedule," You laugh, a smile on your face. "How'd your family get your hands on Solaria's art?"

Komaeda stares at you, eyes mirthed. "How do you think?"

You smirk.

Komaeda's excuse for how he got the art was that he bought it from the black market. Though, it is arguable since the museum was started by the muse himself. There had been no records that he had any children, but people talked about how he probably never died. Immortals of their age weren't unheard of. Though, many of them died of heartbreak. You wonder if Komaeda is the muse. Well, it's not like it matters. Even if he was the muse, you find it breathtaking that he still loved them after so long.

His lectures grow boring sometimes. Occasionally he goes on a tangent about how love was filled with a hope that could overcome any despair. He makes a comment or two about how he's undeserving of it, but then he moves on before anyone can point it out. He has something about his confidence. Though, you don't really think too much about it.

Class ends at 4, and you pack your things up slowly. Your roommate ran off first chance for her date. You wonder what it feels like to be loved.

"Ah, Y/n-chan," He smiles. "Did Mi-chan run off?"

"Yeah," You hum. "Did you need something, professor?"

"I was wondering," He smiles. "If you were an art major."

"I am," You're not surprised he caught on so early.

"Could I see?"

You take your laptop back out, and you pull up a website of your art. Komaeda smiles at the art.

"So you are the rising artist?"

"yeah," You scratch your cheek. "Um, Solaria is kind of an inspiration, but I do genuinely share their love for the stars."

Komaeda stares at you, eyes glancing at the moles on your fingers and then at you. He smiles. "Your art is lovely. I'm sure Solaria would've loved it."

"You speak like you know her, professor," You chuckle as he scrolls through the rest of your art. He pauses at the sight of a child that looks like himself. "Is this..."

"Ah," You turn red, your neck burning in embarrassment. "It's going to sound weird but I see him in my dreams occasionally."

"Ah," Komaeda stares at you, and he smiles. "Perhaps a soul connection?"

"Like soulmates?" You close your laptop and slip it back into your bag.

"No," He shakes his head. "like memories from a past life."

"Maybe it was the bibliography that I read..." You brush it off, waving your hand. "Thank you, professor."

"Of course," He nods. "Stay safe."

Fondness. Komaeda was fond of you. You remind him of Solaria. Hell, you are Solaria. Their soul rests in you, even if you're not aware of it. No matter how many times you reincarnated, you were still them. Komaeda feels disgusted. Times and times he fell in love with you, and you had seen him as nothing more than a muse. Even when you were on your deathbed, you were still sketching him. You offered him no words of advice or love. You had always been like that. You had always seen him as a muse. In the first life, you adored him with the love that you would for a best friend. The second, you had adored him with the love that an artist had for a muse. The third, it was the love for a parent. The fourth, it was the love of someone who would never confess or accept. The fifth was the love for the sun and stars and the way he seemed to glow. You had never loved Komaeda with the love that one has for their lover.

He wants to throw up every time he's reminded that you're cursed to never love him.

"Are you cold?" Komaeda raises a brow. "You're shivering."

"It's a bit cold," You smile. "Don't worry about it. It's not an issue."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Komaeda frowns. It feels hot in the room. He can't tell if it's because he's normally cold or if it's actually hot. By the way you're shaking, though, he's sure that it's warmer than he's used to, and colder than you're used to. He wonders if it's the room. He takes off his coat, and he hands it to you. You reject it, a smile still on your face.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," You nod. "That was all I wanted to ask. Thank you, professor."

"The pleasure is all mine," Komaeda beams. "Stay safe out there."

You don't love him.

"Right, professor," You stare at him. "I hope I'm not intruiding, but how much do you make in a year? I heard the school doesn't pay well."

"Oh," Komaeda chuckles. "No worries, you're not intruding on anything. I make around 13,787,696 yen a year. I also yield from money, so it's quite a bit."

"Then... what do you do in your free time?"

Komaeda smiles. "I'm sure you know."

"I'll think of it," You grin. "Thank you for your time!"

"Pleasure was all mine. Email me if you have any other questions." Komaeda stands up from his seat, adjusting his sleeve.

"Of course, professor." You smile. "Have a lovely day."

You don't love him.

The sun chases after the moon for eternity. That's how it's been, and that's how it's supposed to be. Yet, Komaeda chases after you forever. Each time you're in his arms, he suffers. He's stuck in the endless space between the two of you. The sun has so many people adoring it, how could a simple moon be anything to compare with the other nebulas? The moon has her stars, so the sun had turned away; but the sun has his galaxies, so the moon had looked away. Komaeda will spend life after life chasing after you.

The first life, you had painted hundreds upon thousands of portraits of him and his friends. Even as a child, when you first met him as a child, you had sketched him in the sun. Though you gave him a small ring made of flowers, you were a painter. You painted until your fingers grew numb, but you had continued to. Even as you were old and sitting on your deathbed, you were still sketching Komaeda. He was your muse. He was ethereal in your eyes. The way his eyes were pale with fear because of his luck, the way his skin was light as a result of his childhood. The way his hair was pale without color, fading out into a pink that you adored. You had passed with a smile on your face.

The second life, Komaeda spoiled you with whatever marble you desired. You had chipped away at the rock until it came to life. The way Komaeda saw himself as a rock, one with life. You had called him the boy. Just the plain name of 'the boy'. Your skill was recognized everywhere, and you had created life with the rocks Komaeda had given you. His wealth ran endless for you. You would sketch the basics, and then you would bring them to life. The way you created wings for Icarus, patting the pink of roses onto the lips of Aphrodite, you did everything. You sculpted all of Komaeda's friends, all of them perfect copies. Chiaki's pink hair was replicated with granite, you making sure that it was accurate. Your hands traced Komaeda's skin, carving him to perfection. You created life with your fingers, even when the rock had crushed you to your death.

The third, you worked with gems. You had thousands of rocks provided to you by Komaeda. He never knew what form of art you would pick up in the next life. He found you when you were a child this time. In whatever life you lived, your parents never lived long enough to see you grow up. Komaeda had taken you in as your caretaker after finding you on the street, staring longingly at the craftsmen working with gems. You had joked about he never aged, and you had stayed next to him. You created thousands of jewels. You created all of Komaeda's accessory drawers. The green of the emeralds brought out his eyes; the red from the ruby brought out the tips of his hair. You had crafted each band carefully whenever you asked. Even when he requested a set of jewelry your size, you had joked with him. "I hope they let me call them mom." You died from lead poisoning.

The fourth, you had been a tailor. Every yard of fabric under your hands was treated with care. Komaeda had found you at the place he got his suits tailored regularly. You had never changed. With a brief discussion, he had managed to hire you to make suits for him exclusively. Any fabric you wanted to work with, he let you try. The silks from China, the satin from Greece, the cotton from the commoners. You worked with everything. Komaeda had requested little from you. Only a wedding dress your size, and a suit in his. Even as your eyes swirled with hurt while creating the dress, you had never told Komaeda you loved him. Even as you coughed from the smoke of the factories, you never stopped. Three days after the creation of the dress, you lost your life; and Komaeda lost his only chance.

The fifth life, you made people dance with joy. Your fingers would bounce off the keys of the piano, stringing the crowd's heart along. The sun and moon would bow for you, conducting the sky to shine along with the melody. Your music left the taste of honey on peoples' lips. Their mind was hazy with adoration for your pieces. Komaeda found you before you grew famous. He met you in the street under a streetlight, a violin in your hand, placing it into your case. He had recognized you immediately. But even as the chandelier slammed on top of you during your piece, your corpse had been found with a smile on its face.

The boy in your dreams is older today.

"Hey, my sun?"

"Yeah?" Your lips move unconsciously.

"Do you think... I'll ever be healthy enough for another sun portrait?"

"After that sunburn? I think not," You grumble, going back to sketching the boy lying down next to the window. "You're still recovering from that."

"I know... but I wanna-"

"No buts," You feel your lips curl into a pout. "Your parents are rolling in their grave right now."

"My nanny isn't," the boy folds his arms, a frown on his face. "Would you paint me once I recover?"

"I'm sketching you right now, am I not?"

"I know you are," he mumbles. "But I want another portrait."

"Maybe when you recover." You feel yourself in their body. "Say, what's your name again-"

"It's N-"

You wake up in a cold sweat. You stare at your hand and then at the mirror. There aren't any lead stains or blood stains from the dream. You reach for your notebook, and you sketch the same image down. Your roommate snores from her bed, and you paint out the boy's face. He looks exactly like your professor. You're worried, but as the sun rises and you step out of bed, you toss it to the back of your mind. Maybe you would pay Solaria's museum a visit sometime.

Even as you wander through the streets of the university, there's always something holding the back of your mind hostage. It's like the tale about the moles. You pray that it's true. The moles on your fingers and skin make you happy. One is on your ring finger, and another is on your wrist. You feel loved every time you see it. It's like your lover had adored you to pieces. It was a funny concept to think about. There was love about everything. You wonder if reincarnation was one. You would worry about that later.

Komaeda spends his days in his galleries and staring at the portraits. He lingers in front of a picture of a male in the sunflower field. He bears a striking resemblance to him. The piece is gorgeous. Komaeda misses the person who painted it. It had been centuries since he last saw them. He wonders how much longer their reincarnation would take to visit the museum. Well, it wasn't like he needed to wait. He knew where they were.

You bump into Komaeda on accident in the museum. You're in awe at the portrait of the same male who seemed to have taught your class. He looks breathtaking. The way the sun kisses his skin and the flowers hug him. The red on his cheeks from smiling is ethereal. He looks alive with his rosy cheeks and pretty lips. You know the art is from ages ago, yet he just looks so happy. The way he basked in the sun's light made you happy. You don't know why. The green jacket and white shirt make you nostalgic, an overwhelming amount of bitterness drowning you. You don't know what happened to him. You don't know why this piece makes you so sad.

"Y/n-chan?"

You turn to stare at your professor, eyes wide, lost in thought over a feeling you didn't know.

"Are you crying? What happened?"

You don't know what to tell him. That you were suddenly overwhelmed with an emotion you didn't know? That you had no clue why you felt like crying? That the feeling of seeing someone for the first time in eternity burned the back of your head? That you felt like the artist was in utter bliss while painting the piece? The fact that you could feel the artist laughing melodiously as they painted? The fact that you were overcome with the suffocating urge to touch the painting? How would you even begin to explain it? It doesn't matter. You stare at your professor, tears dribbling down your cheeks. You're crying. Eyes wide with confusion, you're crying.

Komaeda panics, and before his mind can reprimand him for cupping your cheeks and wiping your tears, the thought is gone. You're crying. Fuck. You're crying in front of him. Are you crying because of him? Did he bring you that much discomfort? Oh, maybe he should go. But it isn't rude to leave someone you know crying by themselves? Komaeda feels bad. He stays with you, wiping your tears gently. His hands are a little rough, but they give you comfort. You're happy with it.

"I'm sorry," The words spill out of Komaeda's lips unconsciously. "Are you crying because of me?"

"No," You mumble, reaching to wipe your tears yourself. Komaeda offers you a handkerchief, and you mumble a gentle thank you. "I'm crying because the painting makes me feel some way. I'm just overcome with such nostalgia over the portrait. It hurts my chest."

Komaeda knows why it hurts. Hell, he remembers it. That is him. He even remembers the words their soul told him while painting it. The sun made him sweat a mess, but they went home with a rough sketch, and an even prettier portrait. They had shown it to him with such a big smile on their face. Komaeda had sworn nothing had ever shone so brightly. His parents scolded him for being out under the moon so long despite being a sickly child, but he had adored the portrait so much. He had it hung in his room. Even as they grew older and older, the life that they brought out in their art was still so alive. They had painted thousands of paintings in your past, every single one given to Komaeda after they finished. Komaeda has their paintings decorated in a room at his mansion for the day he meets their soul again.

The portrait under the sun was their best piece. The way Komaeda's eyes crinkled with joy, his cheeks red from the heat and embarrassment. Komaeda looked euphoric, the way his smile stretched from one side to the other, the absolute joy in his life. Oh, he adored it so much so. The sun had left him with a sunburn that they treated when they returned to the mansion. His sun had scolded him to tell them earlier, but the look on Solaria's face when they had finished the portrait was just so pretty. It was dazzling. He wouldn't have been able to tell them even if it killed him.

Komaeda has the best ones hung up in the museum he sponsors. Each one is signed under the same pseudonym, and though some people find art boring, the pieces bring light to their eyes. He loved them. He adored the childhood friend who sat him down for hours at a time and painted him times and times again. They were the sun in his life that brought him warmth. They helped him heal during the times that he needed to heal. Even as they had lay in bed, a pencil in their hand in the first life, they had never stopped drawing him. Their unfinished piece was Komaeda hunched over in pain before they passed. Komaeda can't stand to look at that piece.

"I'm sorry," You wipe your tears. "Professor, what are you doing here?"

"My family owns the museum," He smiles. "Every single piece in here is by the same soul."

"Soul? Solaria?"

Komaeda swallows. "They're a treasure to my- me."

You stare at him, eyes watery. "You're the muse?"

"Yes," Komaeda swallows. "Are you alright? You were crying pretty hard."

"Ah," You stare at him, eyes wide with newfound realization. "No. I just... Solaria's art has that effect on me, I guess."

Komaeda smiles. "Understandable. What brings you here? You could have texted me to give you a tour?"

"I didn't know you owned this place," You mumble. "Does that mean you have no family?"

"It's just me," Komaeda smiles. "I never married."

"So you own this place?"

"Everything I own is for my sun's soul to use," He smiles. "I work hard for when I meet their soul again."

"So..." You stare at him. "Are you a government secret?"

Komaeda laughs, the corners of his eyes crinkling in amusement. "No, my darling student, I am not. In fact, the government knows I'm alive, but they don't do anything about me. I haven't done anything weird like the other immortals."

"Others...?"

"All of Solaria's muses were immortal," Komaeda smiles. "You'd be surprised at how many immortals are teaching at this school."

You blink at him.

"Professor Nanami, Hinata, Kamukura..." Komaeda counts on his fingers. "You know? All of them were muses."

You blink at him.

"Ah... do you have the portraits of them?"

Komaeda holds his hand out to you, and you grasp it loosely. He pulls you to the back of the museum and unlocks a room with a card. You let go of his hand, and you stare at the paintings on the wall. It's the other professors. You blink at the portrait of your roommate on the wall and pause.

"That's..."

"She's also an immortal," Komaeda swallows. "I don't know if she-"

"I suspected it," You mumble. "So this is a government secret? Are you all part of the men behind the curtain?"

Komaeda laughs. "No. We just choose to not tell people. It's much safer that way."

"I suppose so," You stare at him. "So, what made you trust me?"

"Solaria's art triggered... something about you. I guess," He smiles.

"Ah, do you have any of their sketches?" You turn to him, and he nods. "Which ones?"

"There was a boy laying under the sun." You mumble. "That I read about." You add. You don't think your professor wants to know that you keep dreaming scenes of Solaria's life.

"Oh, when I got a sunburn?" He pulls a drawer open, and he reaches for the sketchbook. "It hurt that day, and Solaria did not make it any better."

"I thought she was with you the whole day?" You take the sketches from his hand, and you pull out your phone. It's an exact copy of what you drew in the morning. Your face is relaxed, but your mind swirls with emotion. You have their soul. Their soul is yours.

"Are you alright, Y/n-chan? You look sick again."

You shake your head, a smile on your face. "No worries. You just look like you're in immense pain."

"I was," He chuckles, but his eyes are gentle with tenderness. "But they made it better."

"Did they have a name?"

"No," Komaeda shakes his head. "It was always Solaria."

You should probably continue to sign with Solaria on your art pieces.

"Anything else?"

You shake your head. "Thank you, professor."

Komaeda grows closer to you after the event at the museum. The two of you go out for coffee, and while it's taboo for a student and professor to go out for coffee every week to discuss an artist, the two of you stopped caring. Komaeda's way too old to care, and you're too into Solaria's past to give a fuck. You never bothered confronting your roommate about this whole thing, only asking her for advice on your art.

Komaeda spends a lot of time with you. For the most part, he forgets that he's in love with Solaria. You remind him of the soul, yet you're a completely different person in his eyes. He can't bring himself to compare you to Solaria. Yet, as you wave at him as the sun rises from their slumber, Komaeda finds a sense of peace with you. Maybe it was his sign to move on, not that he wanted to.

The students in the class are lively. When midterms end, the class throws a party. You tag along, mainly because your roommate had bet you fifty bucks that the professor wouldn't come. You had raised a row at her, lip quirked into a smirk, and tagged along. It doesn't take much to convince you to party. Though, you were drowsier at night. You wonder how you ended up tipsy at the edge of the second-floor balcony when you told yourself you wouldn't drink. However, the bigger question was why your professor was next to you.

"Hey, professor?" You giggle, cheeks flushed from the alcohol. 

"You're drunk, Y/n-chan," He mumbles, taking off his blazer, resting it over your shoulders.

"You know," You spin gently, the glass of alcohol still in your hand. "I chased after the sun for eternity and rest while the moon illuminates the field. I am neither the sun, the sky, the stars, nor the moon, but I am an observer. I am the child that stares out the window of their worn-out cabin, dreaming of a love like theirs."

Komaeda watches you slow down, and he takes the glass from your fingers. 

"I can only pray for someone to chase me like the sun chases the moon," You turn to glance inside the flat. "The way the moon loved the sun, but finally turned to notice how much the stars adored them. The way that the sun chased the moon but finally glanced ahead to stare at the plenty of nebulas that adored them. I want to be loved the way that the sky loves."

Komaeda stays silent from next to you, and he stares at you in a way that makes you lighthearted. 

"Ah," You grin at him. "But who am I to wish for something only the stars have?"

Komaeda smiles. "Aren't you afraid of me taking advantage of you?"

You're drunk at this point. 

"I'd jump you before you could do that," You smile at him. "Hm? Professor?"

Komaeda inhales sharply as you drape your arms around his neck. He leans against the railing, trying his best to keep his hands off of you. You look ravishing. The way your outfit hugged your figure in all the right places, and the way your lashes batted innocently up at him. Fuck. You're his student for fuck's sake. He grimaces and clings to the balcony railing instead.

"You're drunk."

"I won't regret this in the morning," Your eyes focus on his throat, and he swallows. "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts, you know?"

Komaeda sighs, and his lips part.

"So?"

"You better not regret this in the morning," Komaeda doesn't resist as you press your lips to his.

Komaeda is a pleaser. He listens to every whine and beg that slips past your lips as he fucks you. He pays attention to when your expressions change, and the way you squirm under his touch. His touch is gentle, yet as he grips your waist to keep you in place, you think they're more firm than gentle. You wonder if he's fucked you like this in one of your past lives. Well, it's not like it matters. He must've taken up at least a lover or two while waiting for Solaria's soul. You don't mind. Your brain is too hazy to think straight anyway.

Komaeda wants to make sure you feel good. The only thing racing through his mind as he presses his lips to your skin is to please you. So he drinks up each sound that your pretty lips make. The purple and red decorate all over your skin in places you can hide. He's sure you don't want to get caught sleeping with your professor of all people, even if he is young. Komaeda drinks you up like you're the nectar of the gods. Like you're the water from the fountain of youth. He could spend eternity under you, worshipping you for your worth. So Komaeda makes sure that you know he loves you. Even if you won't remember it in the morning, he would please you to no end.

Komaeda worships you like the people adore the sun. To you, he's just an insignificant worshipper at your feet, doing his very best to please his god. Oh, you're just so pretty to him. You clench the sheets until they're stained with the remnants of you, your lipstick messy on his collar. He's sure he looks more of a mess than you, but he doesn't care. His wrist is drenched by you, but as he pulls another breathless whine from your lips, he supposes you'll be fine for the night.

"In me," You whine. "I want you in me."

He swallows, unsure.

"Please," Your mascara stains your cheeks, and you jut out your bottom lip for emphasis. "...Nagito?"

Who is Komaeda to turn down your request?

As Komaeda complies with your request, you mumble incoherent thoughts. It's usually mindless praise for how good he was, or a breathy whine about how it was too much. Komaeda doesn't stop until you finish, and even then, you're crying for him to finish inside of you. Ah, inside of you? inside? He can't argue with that if it's what you want. So as your eyelids finally flutter closed, Komaeda pants on top of you. You look so vulnerable under him. Komaeda gets off of you, and he stares at the room in his mansion. He has a brief fantasy before he gets to work to clean you off.

You wake up to the smell of takeout and a shirt draped over your body. It takes you a moment to recall where you are, and then turn an unrecognizable shade of red when you recall this is Komaeda's apartment. The shirt smells like him. Wait. No. Holy fuck, you fucked your professor. You wonder if any of your past lives had done this with him before. Well, it doesn't matter since you did. You get off the bed. You're glad he didn't fuck you brainless.

"Good morning," Komaeda smiles at you.

"I can't believe I fucked my professor," You mumble a quiet thank you before biting into the rice.

"Well, a lot of things are surprising," Komaeda hums. "I canceled class today."

"Because of this?"

"Yeah," He shrugs. "Also because we start studying Solaria's art next week and I need to pull out a couple of portraits to set up the room we have class in."

"Oh, right," You stare at his kitchen. "We have class at your place."

"Mhm," He hums.

"Um... professor?"

"I believe we are well beyond formalities, Y/n-chan," He raises a brow at you in amusement.

"Komaeda."

"Nagito." He leans onto his palm, staring at you. "You had no problem with it last ni-"

"I got it," You flush red again. "What does this make us."

"Up to you," He sips on his tea. 

"Up to me?"

"We could've been a hookup," He grimaces for a moment.

"Annnd there you go," Your lips curl up knowingly. "You don't want it to be a hookup."

"But even if it isn't," Komaeda places his mug down. "You can't date your professor."

"You talk as if you hadn't fallen in love with the same soul again and again." You shrug.

"So?" Komaeda reaches for a biscuit. "What do you suppose we are?"

"I wanted to say friends with benefits," You mumble. "But I suppose it'd be professor and student."

"You're not fucking me for a grade, are you?" Komaeda raises a brow in amusement.

"No," You grin. "The grades would be a bonus."

"Too bad I don't do bonuses," He smiles. "It was on the syllabus."

"Another time when not reading has come to bite me in the ass," You sigh blissfully. "So what are we?"

"At this point," Komaeda mumbles, fingers dancing up your forearm. "It's a rhetorical question. We know what we are."

"I suppose so." You mumble, eyes distant.

There's no label for the sun and the moon. Lovers, perhaps? Yet, they aren't together. The sun attends to the people and the moon attends to their stars. They chase after each other on the brief moments of eclipses and rises. The sun kisses the moon good morning when the moon kisses the sun good night. The brief moments when the sun and the moon are both in the sky is what the two of you resemble.

The moon spends his mornings waking up in the sun's arms. Komaeda spends his mornings waking up to food that isn't from a local market down the street. He wakes up to actual food, and gentle kisses on his skin. Komaeda worships you, yet you love him the same. You're the one he wakes up to in the morning, and sometimes he falls asleep in your arms. With you, Komaeda feels loved.

He counts the dots on your skin in the morning, reminding you that it's normal to stress over things. He's old with wisdom, you're young with life. Komaeda wishes that one day you could become immortal. If you did, then he wouldn't need Solaria's soul anymore. Maybe he could introduce you to his coworkers. You'd get along well with Chiaki or Hinata. You seem like you'd fit right in. Komaeda tucks your hair behind your ear as the moon lights up your skin. You're really pretty.

Komaeda feels you press gentle kisses to his face when you wake up, and then leave the room to make breakfast. You like the way the sun hugs his skin. He looks holy under the rays of the sun. Komaeda's eyes meets your half-lidded ones, a peaceful smile on your face. You look mundane; like a cup of tea in the morning with a simple breakfast. Komaeda wants to stay with you forever. He didn't mind if you were staying with him for personal gain or private lessons; You were his. 

But he should know nothing ever goes his way.

He's had many meetings with his luck, after all. Each time he had loved you, you had ended up dying because of his luck, two out of the five deaths you had experienced. Komaeda should know better than that by now. He stares at himself in the mirror less nowadays. He doesn't berate himself outwardly, settling for your arms instead as you massage his scalp and work out the knots in his shoulders. Komaeda should really know better by now.

Among the many nights he stays over to study with you at your dorm, he never touches your stuff. He gets curious. Once. He peeks into your bag while you're off to grab the two of you coffee, and he's caught off guard. Carbon copies of Solaria's art. Each one was something you had asked him to see before. Were you an art thief? No. It's impossible. You couldn't have snuck something that big. You didn't even have the keys to the room to begin with. Komaeda racks his mind for an excuse. Something. He finds nothing, so he chooses to flip through the rest of the pages.

"I'm here with the order," You smile.

"Ah, thank you," Komaeda smiles. "Sorry, I wanted to see your sketches."

"Ah," Your face pales. "That sketchbook..."

He stares at you, noticing the way your skin turned white.

"The sketches... are they stolen?"

"Heavens no," You shake your head. "I could never do that to them."

"Then...?"

"Dream log," You swallow slowly. "I log scenes from my dreams."

There's a moment of silence. It's tense. The way that the string could be cut and either of you could bubble over with emotion. You aren't sure what to feel as you stare at your professor. You can see him fight back the realization. It hurts. He doesn't want to admit it. Maybe he does. Maybe he feels hurt that you hadn't told him about it. You stare at Komaeda's eyes, trying to read his emotions. Maybe you would feel better if you knew what was on his mind.

"you're the soul." Komaeda's eyes are wide with hurt, something bubbling in the back of his throat.

You stare at him, eyes swirling with emotion. You wanted to fall in love with him first as an apology for all the pain you had caused him before. You had never loved him with something romantic. It had always been a platonic love that left him longing for more. You felt bad at first. You're sure this isn't just a feeling of pity of guilt anymore. Great, the one time you actually tell him you love him, you accidentally hurt him.

"Did you... actually love me?" Komaeda stares at you.

You swallow, eyes meeting his, voice shaky. "I do. I still do."

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

The sun burns anyone it grows too close to.

"It didn't seem like something important to our relationship," You avoid his eyes.

"I thought we trusted each other about everything." Komaeda stares at you, and you stare at him.

"I'm sorry for being a coward," Your voice is cracked as you put down his coffee on the table. You grab your bag, and you're out of the cafe. Komaeda stares at the coffee on the table. His chest hurts.

He isn't sure if it's from the fact that you knew you were Solaria all along or the fact that you had just left him at the coffee shop, but it hurt. He stares at the door to the store, and he sighs. He would apologize later, but he had to sort out his own thoughts first. Even if you weren't the artist or sculptor, your soul had always adored communication. Perhaps you were hurt because of how freely he communicated his feelings to you when he didn't know you were Solaria. But you weren't playing him. Perhaps you had just wanted to make up for the hurt you caused him in your past life.

Komaeda and you go about your ways. He teaches class about Solaria, masking his emotions about the artist. He didn't want to get you in trouble for something that could have been handled differently. You mask your emotions well. Had Komaeda not known what happened, he wouldn't have been able to tell that you were worse than before. He supposes he's the only one to blame for this. Maybe a part of himself had just convinced himself that Solaria could never love him. Maybe that was why he was so surprised at the revelation.

In the first life, you loved him with the love that you had for a best friend. He was the center of everything you did. Even if you had died before you could tell him that you loved him as one would love their partner; you prayed he could tell from the messy sketches and ornate paintings. The second, you had loved him with the love that an artist had for a muse. You wanted to give the stars in the sky to him, even if you couldn't. You prayed that the delicate hearts at the end of your signatures on his statues would tell him. The third, it was the love for a parent that you knew you couldn't love as anything else. He had raised you, and even if you weren't related, it was taboo to fall in love with your caretaker. The fourth, you loved him from behind the millions of cloths of fabrics. You had shown your love through the carefully crafted outfits of his. The fifth, you loved him as the sun loves the moon, quietly, without word. You had always loved Komaeda with the love that one has for their lover, but you had never told him in fear.

The two of you go back to the old cycle. Simple comments and plain questions after class. Neither of you overstep your boundaries, pretending that everything is fine when it's not. Your roommate grows concerned for you, yet you don't overstep your boundaries. The sun is supposed to burn everything that gets too close.

"Ok, dumbass," She forcibly sits you down one evening.

"Look, I-"

"I am not taking excuses right now," She glares. "Spit it out, Solaria."

You stare at her. You don't even have the energy to argue with her anymore.

"What happened between you and moon boy?"

"I told you," You hum. "We got into an argument."

"There has to be more than that. It takes a LOT to piss Komaeda off."

"It was about my identity," You sigh, changing into your sleepwear. "That was all. We're just... taking a break."

The moon freezes everything in its way.

Komaeda's words are only unpoetic when he's caught off guard. Usually, his words have a graceful ambiance around them. His words are lovely to hear; they resemble the siren's songs. His words hurt you that day. He feels awful. The urge to throw up each time he meets your eyes while teaching claws at his throat. When you stop after class to ask questions, he just wants to grab your hands and pray that you would forgive him. Yet, neither of you speak up, because the sun and moon are supposed to be in an endless cycle of chasing after each other.

Finals are around the week, and with each step you take inside of the classroom, you feel yourself grow sicker and sicker. Your stomach churns, but you still pull through the exam. Did he feel as bad as you? Was his heart clenching each time he saw you? You haven't bothered staring him in the eye since the breakup. It's the last final you have. You don't bother staying when you finish, turning in your paper to Komaeda. He stares at you, and the two of you pause for a moment.

"Thank you for this year, professor," You smile to the best of your ability.

"Ah," He flips through your page. "You missed a section."

"Sorry," You mumble. "I can-"

"It's on your mind, isn't it?" Komaeda's voice is quiet so no one else can hear. "If you want, we can grab dinner later."

You stare at him, paper in your hands crinkling.

"If you don't want to, it's fine," He smiles. "I just... want to apologize."

"I'll go," You mumble. "Where?"

"The same place as before," He hums lowly. "Stay safe."

"Of course," You sit back in your seat, pulling out your pen again to finish the final. 

Komaeda feels bad. He has the urge to throw up. His stomach churns in disgust, and he stares at himself in the reflection of his laptop. He looks worse than usual. As each student turns in their test, he feels a little more of himself die. You finish your test at the same time as your roommate, and he stares at you walk off. Your roommate stays behind.

"Listen," Your roommate stares at him, eyes hard. "If you hurt Solaria again, you won't hear from any of us ever again."

"I know," Komaeda collects her test. "I know."

"We're rooting for you," She mumbles. "We've been waiting for the two of you to get together for just as long as you've been in love with them. It's their 6th life, please."

"I know," Komaeda doesn't have the confidence to meet her eyes.

Komaeda has no confidence in himself. Even as the two of you sit down to eat, it feels like the fruit is stuck in his throat, the fruit of the tree of knowledge. He wants to talk. Yet, as you stare at him and the two of you eat in silence, it's more suffocating than comforting. He's just glad you haven't gotten up to leave yet. 

You stare at Komaeda, and you continue eating. His words are caught in his throat, huh? You don't rush him to talk. You needed to talk to him anyway. Your graduation was in a couple of days; it didn't matter. If he wanted to break things off, he could. You wouldn't blame him. Yet, as the two of you sit under the stars, you find yourself wishing he doesn't break anything off. You don't really want it to end. It'd be like wasting an entire life before you reincarnate again to find him again. You wonder if this life is the time you actually have to leave him.

"You mentioned once... that you had wished someone would chase after you like the sun chased the moon. You don't need someone like that," Komaeda swallows, staring to the side. His voice is quiet, but he still continues speaking. "because to me, you were my sun. Even if you had never turned back to look at me or love me like I did you for eternity. I adored each ray that was pressed onto me as you awoke life in everyone else. I never needed the stars of the sky if it meant you would look at me."

You glance at him.

"Because the world adores you. Because there's nothing worth more than you that could ever be bidded for. You were the sun of each age, turning the page to a new era. You were the Helios of the age, turning each new day and rising up to greet us in the morning," Komaeda laughs pathetically, running his fingers through his hair. "You don't need a story like the sun and the moon; because to you, everyone else is like a galaxy other than the moon. You would only turn to thank the moon as you found someone better, yet the moon wishes they were more to you. When will you learn to adore the moon like it does you?"

You stare at Komaeda, and your voice is quiet as it comes out. "The sun loves the moon, Nagito. Since centuries before, you had been deemed my moon. I was your sun. Does that not prove how much I adore you? Forgive me for being foolish and believing that you did not love me because of the stars. I love you; and I have loved you for eternity past."

His eyes widen at you, and his lips part in surprise. His eyes aren't hurt like before. He stares at you like you're a revelation. Like you're a sudden epiphany in his life. He stares at you with stars in his eyes. Like you had stopped the sun and moon's cycle to give him a longer moment of peace. Komaeda stares at you like he's in love. He stares at you like every single doubt in his life had just been a misunderstanding and that the sun had come out after a rainy day. Oh, you love him too? Was he dreaming? Oh, how could his luck finally fix him?

"As the moon loves the sun?" He stares at you, and you grasp his hand gently, giving it a squeeze.

"As the moon loves the sun."

And for the first time, the cycle stops.

#komaeda x reader #nagito komaeda x reader #nagito x reader #nagito komaeda #dangaronpa x reader #sdr2 x reader #sdra2 x reader #☾.nsfw #☾.fics

[alithographica]

Okay I've been offline for a few hours since the original deviantArt DreamUp kaboom happened so I'm trying to piece together the myriad of things that happened in the meantime. I'm now seeing people call everyone who got mad about the situation "overreacting" and "defaulting to outrage" and I don't think that's quite right. I think perhaps a few people misunderstood some wording or didn't get the full picture, but that the overall anger was entirely well-placed.

I might not have everything 100% correct here because I was offline for a bit of the action. If that's the case, let me know—I'd like to get the full picture because I'm still deciding what to do about my dA accounts too.

Disclaimer: This is not a discussion of whether AI art is art or is good or worthwhile. This is just about the dA situation.

(Long post under the cut)

The events as they happened until this afternoon:

AI generators have long been scraping dA, among other art sites, for images. Artists widely regard this as shitty. dA had no say in this either.

dA announced that an opt-out is now available (though everyone is opted-in by default, and opting out is a tedious manual process)

dA also announces their own ethical-er AI that credits artists

From that point I went offline for a few hours. I return to

News that the dA Twitter team was awful to some artists who were voicing concerns about this

People insisting it was an overreaction and dA isn't being scummy (the Twitter team sure, but not dA's site team) and

As a result of pushback, dA has now made all work default opted-out.

From where I'm sitting now catching up on the developments...I don't think we really misunderstood dA's original intentions? This sucks? I think some people are being too quick to defend dA here and point fingers at us for being reactionary.

Yes, our images were being used by 3rd party sites without our consent prior to this. Yes, it's nice that we can now opt-out, and I appreciate dA's efforts here. Genuinely, I do. I also appreciate the labeling of AI art and allowing users to choose whether they see AI art or not.

However, it blows that this was originally launched as default opt-in. Several people said "easier opt-out is coming, you're all being dramatic" but I think this was disproven by just how quickly that opt-out came. If they had always intended to make it default opt-out then they should've waited a few more hours or days for that to be done before launching this project/announcement.

I think the default opt-out only came because everyone spoke up and said "hey, wait—we knew AI engines were scraping us without your consent, dA, but now you've just said they DO have consent unless we say otherwise."

To repeat: This blows, and people were right to be angry! Even setting aside how long it would take some people to mark every one of their works as opt-out, even setting aside a single mass opt-out button, having it be default opted-in means that inactive and deceased artists are fair game, just because they didn't say no to a technology that popped up years after they uploaded their work.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate when someone says "mea culpa, we listened and corrected ourselves". We should adjust to new information! But I think it reveals their intent, which is still the core problem here. Prior to the backpedaling, why were things launched like this?

My guess: If I take dA at its word that deviations were not directly used to train DreamUp, then we have to look at how DreamUp WAS trained. dA confirmed it was trained off of Stable Diffusion which was trained in the usual way (that is to say, unethically by dA's own standards!) and dA was just telling us "hey we've been doing this anyway and now we're letting you know kthxbai".

dA wanted things default opt-in because—again, I'm guessing but it tracks—if they made things default opt-out, the field for future AI training (including updates to Stable Diffusion and therefore DreamUp) would thin, and they would come under fire for using so much provably-opted-out material in their training already (which has happened anyway with the new default). They were ensuring the field would continue to be seeded rather than making a very safe guess about how this would go over.

(Transcript in alt text)

I think it's fair to call that hypocrisy.

I appreciate that dA is trying to shift culture towards an ethical AI model that credits artists...though I believe only certain things will be credited, like if you were explicitly named in a prompt, so...ethical-lite, really. Despite that wrinkle, yes, I think other AIs should do this.

However this ignores the issue that I suspect many, many deviantArt users do not want their art being used in AI at all, even if credited. deviantArt saying "we're protecting you from outside AIs!" does not fix that the call was coming from inside the house this time.

THAT is what people are mad about.

Speaking of, how DID they think this would go over? dA dipping its toes into the AI scene with their own AI, a famously controversial topic amongst non-AI artists? Can't ignore that DreamUp is pay to play too—dA is making money off of DreamUp, just like the other AI engines.

If we shake dA's hand for speaking up for us, we also have to recognize that their other hand is going behind our back and taking a piece of the pie. If you can't beat 'em, monetize 'em I guess.

Also, you may see another opt-out form floating around: You can apply to opt out of having your specific name(s) allowed in DreamUp prompts, though it's heavily implied that they'll only be removing big name artists...Which I suspect is because those are the artists who are already in the unethical training set. Basically, "hey you might appear in this—let us know if you don't want that! But we're not going to tell you who's in there and who's not so just let us know if it might be you."

In my eyes this is (1) admission that yes, dA artists ARE in that set because of how it was originally sourced and (2) allows them a little wiggle room with that nasty default opt-out, because these artists were violated prior to the opt-out and are, in fact, what a substantial portion of the AI model is based on so any AI engine (including an ethical one!) would be reluctant to remove them.

Am I misunderstanding anything here? Because I'm seeing one clear fool at fault who was only cowed by the backlash.

As a final note, there's still one sticking point that is likely outside of dA's control: I suspect the new "noai" command, while a clear mark of non-consent, does not actually prevent 3rd party AIs from continuing to scrape deviations. It now violates dA's ToS to use a noai image, but does that have any teeth? Will dA go to bat for us if other AIs don't respect noai? (I don't think we have the answers to this right now, but it's something to keep an eye on.)

Anyway, I'll stop talking for now. Really feeling like an old timey blog here on tumblr dot com.

#deviantart #dA #dreamup #long post

[kpchrs]

What's your favorite characterisation decision in LiS?

Do I even have one

Hello, Anon! ... Whoever you are 😏 I don't really have the energy to compose very detailed and organised writing right now but I hope you can still enjoy it. Btw, people might not know this but I actually... never played beyond S1 LOL I want to, but buying games is not my priority right now. So, Sean? Alex? Who? xD

Well, what I thought of first is Chloe, as a whole. The fact that she is so... flawed. She's hardly my favourite character, but I will always defend her characterisation. (But her biggest fans do it faster than me so I'm never needed. And, also they are better than me at that anyway lol)

It's okay that people don't like her, but I still want people to understand her and know where she comes from. That her attitude comes from the place of trauma. People want other people to process trauma perfectly, but that's not a realistic expectation of ALL individuals with trauma. People who love and hate Chloe are people who understand that and dismiss that respectively.

My favourite characterisation of Chloe - people may be surprised - is when she says this: "I gotta blame somebody. Otherwise it’s all my fault. Fuck that."

Yes, yes, it's an awful thing to say. Some people hate her for that and that's valid.

But I just nodded along when I first encountered that in my first gameplay. Well, it's partly because I was in a very head-empty state when I first played. I only realised it wasn't okay to say when I searched for people's opinions. But I also nodded along because I understand her somewhat (but I won't elaborate on why because I don't really understand the reason much either, but it's related to her immaturity and brattiness lol)

In her context though, it's more that she's so angry and hurt by life; she directs it outwards, not inwards, so it will suck less. Piling it up inside is heavy and stuffy and painful. Everyone needs catharsis. It's easier to let out your anger at something concrete, something you can see, something clear. Which is why she blames everyone. I think that's very realistic.

One of my two top favourite characters in LiS is Victoria. She's a total Queen Bitch archetype, you know the drill. The first thing I thought of was when Max found her anime figurine, it made me laugh so hard until now. I love Nerd Victoria. But that's the silly fav.

My ACTUAL favourite is in the alternate universe and she said this to Max:

"You're not pissed at me, right? Right?" and "Max, if you’re mad, just tell me, k?"

As we know, Victoria really "hates" Max. She is also very insecure. Makes you wonder, hm, what makes her scared + reverent of AU Max that way? It gives you the other side of Victoria that is really fun to think about. The root, I'm sure, is still her insecurity.

I have a belief that that's not how Victoria acts around Nathan, her closest best friend. With Nathan, Victoria gets to be her real self. That Victoria is Victoria who half kisses ass and half wants to be liked by this... AU Max. Kinda similar to her attitude towards Jefferson, I guess.

She seems like a lot less opportunistic and manipulative with Max though. I think this is because Jefferson is the road to her ambition and Victoria did everything she can to achieve that.

Max doesn't/can't give her that so why does she kiss ass? I think in this alternate universe, Victoria likes her genuinely, not just because Max is the new Queen Bee or something so she bows to her. AU Max is distant and seems to be a master of push and pull (unconsciously?), that's why Victoria looks like she's walking on eggshells lol

Honorary mention is Maxine. Max is the most realistic character in LiS, in my opinion. Other characters are such archetypes that some people thought Max was just a self-insert character. If you dig deep into her character you will realise that... Max is just a normal girl. Do you know how hard it is to write someone like her?

Max is not an extreme character, she's in the middle, but she still has a distinct voice. She's grey and realistic. I don't have the energy to elaborate more though lmao

Some people hate it, but I really LOVE that in the AU, Max is so different, but somewhat the same. She's only more blunt, doesn't take bullshit from anyone, and more bitchy too. And this should be because of her self-confidence or when it becomes negative, it becomes borderline arrogance. This is the Max who is not dampened by guilt and grief. How very interesting.

Now everyone knows that I'm obsessed with the alternate universe. I don't really make it a secret though.

And wait, what's up with me and bitchy characters? lol

(Nathan's characterisation is the shittiest decision the devs ever did.)

Thank you for the ask!

Kris

#life is strange #chloe price #max caulfield #victoria chase #kris got asks

[thedisablednaturalist]

i'm sorry, i can't stop thinking about your job post and i know we don't know each other and this might be me sticking my nose in but as one disabled person to another I just think you should turn your forms in anyway, if you haven't. Like send them the form, make them tell you no, if they're going to.

Because, like... you deserve this, you shouldn't be excluded because accommodations can't be made for you, that's on them! You absolutely don't have to take my advice and I'm sorry if this is rude of me, but if it helps at all,

if I've learned one thing that I adamantly believe in as a person that the system likes to kick around and keep down, it's that I make other people tell me no, because if I want something/know I am qualified for that thing, I try to remind myself that if I don't get it, it's not because of something I did or something I told myself. It's not because I refused myself that chance, if that makes sense.

I just think if there's a one in a million chance this could work out for you, and you want it, I just hope you give yourself that chance. You never know, maybe the hiring manager or whoever thinks those forms are bullshit, too. Maybe it's just paperwork that we're all restricted by, but it won't matter to them what you write. If I'm right in understanding your posts about this when they've come up on my dash, they interviewed you, you were a good fit!

Being disabled is a fuck of a time, a lot of the time, and I just-- man idk. this isn't your fault? i know you're just venting but i... jobs should make accommodations. that's it. they're missing out on great work from us by not making accommodations.

Anyway, obviously if this feels wrong for you, then you know what's best for you, and I'm wrong here, but i think they're going to lose out on everything you can offer, they're going to lose out on the wealth of what you can bring to this position if they're ridiculous enough not to accept you into this position.

That's all. I hope this came across the way I hope it does. Anyway, good luck <3

Thank you, and no I didn't find this rude at all! I hope they'll be understanding, I just kind of feel like they underestimated how big of a deal the medical exam is to a disabled person. My counselor said me having a disability is disclosed upfront due to schedule A so you'd think they'd be more...upfront about what physical requirements they have? And being open to that discussion? Due to already knowing that the person applying is disabled?? It's kind of like asking for apple pie and being mad when it doesn't come with ice cream. Like the whole pie is there still? And you asked specifically for apple pie. Dang it now I'm hungry.

Anyway I'm still going to go through the process and see how it goes, that's my DARs counselors advice. Her plan is to just keep going until we run into an issue, which is not really how I like to do things. I like to get potential issues out upfront and in the open before they become worse. But she's the expert I guess.

I have another interview for a different position next week so I'm gonna wait for that before I make more concrete plans.

I always tell people the same thing, that by excluding disabled people from the workforce, they are missing out on our perspectives, our knowledge, and our passion. Just because a person might need a couple accommodations. It's awful.

#wrenfea.ask #working while disabled

[hawkeyedflame]

"anyway, go ahead and post your screenshots, like i give a fuck. i never said anything in that server that i don't stand by still, and i certainly never harassed anyone. while you're doing that, maybe go outside and touch some grass. like, seriously. live your life outside in the real world like a normal person and you might realize that nobody gives a flying fuck about your internet temper tantrums."

This is just Peak ironic and hypocrisy of you and your friends given what they were doing in there but I'm sorry that you just want to sweep everything underneath the rug and act like you're forgiven or have Redemption now when you haven't done anything to become a better person lol lmfao even.

It's super duper funny to watching you try to take the high road here 😂 but just know people know the real you twerp

2) Rules for the not we must be very strong motto with you too 😂 But again it's so crazy how you just lied and then immediately resended that lie and tried to wiggle your way out, you want to talk about being racist or sexist or homophobic but wait till the screenshots come out and I'll tag everything appropriately there for you and see how your friend still feel about you but deep down you haven't changed and wont change just like your creepy pals that were in there with you haven't stopped or changed as well but I'm going to guess that you just conveniently avoided all that somehow huh 3) You were so upset over hominis and his wife both racist sexist garbage people 🤡 enjoy your side show clowns ya freakshow 😂 Karma will see to you, don't worry ugly. 4) Awe you're upset of cisnowflake too another horrible sexist racist loser? For all your projecting and positioning you try to do on your page you're still just the same person you have been 2 years ago and even further back because no matter where you go or what you do you are still you Paige and your true colors will bleed back through and you can't change the hate in your heart anymore than you can change how retarded, ironic and hypocritical you are 😂 Cuz again I don't see you renouncing your friends Behavior or what they did or your part in it you're just mad because I'm here calling you out about it while you're trying to save face. I mean again if you truly moved on and are turning this new page relief you could have just apologized or said you know what that situation was horrible but no you double down back to like you always do and will again. Garbage person, simple ass 🤷‍♂️ 5)Again it's just funny you go from you weren't in any kind of Discord doing harassment or talking shit about people you dont even know and then you admit that you were in there and you stand by everything that you said but then say you've changed and its others problems what you did and caused. Yup that's the way to have integrity and maturity and to get to the next level of being a better person for sure just sleeping everything underneath the rug and flipping everybody off in the process. I hope your life is as "pleasant" as you have been.

I go to bed and then go to work and come back to this word vomit... You might actually be more deranged than the chick from the FMA fandom who was tweaking out about me supposedly being a transphobe. I'm legitimately impressed by your dedication. Honest.

So anyway, this is really funny, I guess since you're on anon like a spineless worm, you're giving me the liberty of having the last word, because I certainly won't be answering any more asks from your crazy ass after this lol

I am friends with very few people in that server. The people who are/were in there at the time that I was also using the server were acquaintances at most, with the vast majority being strangers I'd never met. I never once participated in harassing or being hateful towards anyone while I was using that server. As I said, post your screenshots if it will make you feel big and cool. I do not give a fuck. It's not like I'm going to waste my time looking at whatever "evidence" you think you have on me.

I didn't lie. I said I don't use servers, which is true. I did not say that I've never used servers. 2+ years of not participating in any servers constitutes saying that I do not use servers. You're grasping at straws, it's pretty sad.

When was I ever upset about Hom and his wife? They can take care of themselves. This doesn't even make any sense.

This is actually just really funny. You're here on anon trying to tell me you know me well enough to know whether I've changed as a person. I have, believe me. Just not in my political opinions. I don't need to renounce anything or apologize for anything, because I am not any of the things you are accusing me of being, nor are any of the people you have brought up by name in this weird little mental breakdown you're having in my inbox.

Again, didn't lie. Didn't talk shit about anyone I don't know except for a couple of creepy-ass tumblr losers that were outright stalking a couple of my acquaintances. Perhaps you're assmad because you're one of those stalkers? Much to think about. My life is extraordinarily pleasant, yes, and getting better every single day. Thank you for the well wishes. Happy new year :)

#Anonymous #long post #hall of shame #sorry to everyone who has to see this on their dash #i somehow manage to acquire creepy obsessed fans even though i've been on tumblr like 5 times in the last six months lmao

[ry0chann]

Prompt 1 from angst and 7 from fluff for connie

#1 — "It would be better if you stayed away from me."

#7 — “How mad would you be if I kissed you?”

WARNINGS: gn!reader, angst to fluff (sort of but not really), slightly suggestive, fwb realtionship, Connie is kind of an ass and ooc

WORD COUNT: 0.7k

NOTES: basically Connie screwed you over by leading you on but it doesn’t matter bc you like him. that's the plot lmao

send me prompts!! | m.list

You knew you shouldn't have told him how you felt, yet you did anyway. Why? Did you think he'd reciprocate your feelings? What a silly assumption to make, knowing this entire arrangement was his idea in the first place. He made it very clear what his intentions were, it'd be a waste of time to try and find more out of the relationship.

It was your fault for catching feelings. You said you wouldn't, and you did. You couldn't help it — he acted like he loved you, treated you like you were his everything. And now, he stands before you with the biggest shit-eating grin, chuckling at the fact that you told him you liked him.

"That's a joke right?" he asks, a hint of disbelief in his voice.

Your face heats up in embarrassment, your eyes falling from his.

"It's not..." you murmur, "Just thought I'd tell you, but I'm realizing I shouldn't have..."

He's quiet for a moment, processing your confession. Whether or not he actually felt something other than sexual attraction towards you was unclear — maybe he did, maybe he didn't. He had been experimenting with the idea a little, getting more intimate by kissing you and what not. Though maybe all of that gave you the wrong impression. Here you were telling him you stupidly caught feelings, all because he treated you the way he would his partner.

"Guess it'd be better if you stayed away from me then." He suddenly blurts, monotonically.

You're taken aback, confused as to why he'd suggest something like that. You didn't want that, even if it would hurt you more to stay with him in whatever you'd call this complicated relationship.

"What would that even accomplish?" you question.

He shrugs, not even confident in his words. He simply suggested it, that didn't mean he meant it.

"Dunno, but don't think I'm gonna stop calling you just because you got a crush on me."

The way he was looking at you somehow suggested he was unbothered by all this. You thought he'd care a little more, would at least talk things out or enlighten you on how he felt. But he didn't. He didn't care, didn't feel the same — wouldn't feel the same.

His eyes scan your form, ignoring the way your face contorts into something of a frown. Connie was only here today because you had "plans," then you decided to kill the vibe by pouring your heart out. He didn't seem turned off though, still staring at you like he wanted to rip your clothes off.

"Connie..." you sigh, "Maybe you're right. About uh, about us staying away from each other."

He pouts but it's not genuine. "Awe don't be like that. We'll figure it out, alright?"

You didn't believe him. Chances are, he didn't want to figure things out. You assume he'd want to continue the way things are and hope that your growing feelings magically disappear. If things continued the way they are, it'd only result in the opposite of what he wanted. Your feelings would only get stronger and that'd only complicate things more.

Connie takes hold of your hands, entwining his fingers with yours. He leans in a little, smirking like the little shit he is.

"How mad would you be if I kissed you?" he asks in a soft whisper.

Now really wasn't the time, you weren't in the mood. Still, feeling his hands in yours, being so close to him, having his lips inches from yours — he was tempting, extremely fucking tempting, and you were mentally kicking yourself for even considering giving in.

"I'd be pissed." you mumble, in a tone that suggested your words weren't entirely truthful.

He hums, impulsively kissing you anyway. You don't stop him though, in fact, you indulge. Your eyes flutter shut and you tilt your head to kiss him properly. His hands are quick to move to your waist, pulling you closer.

You had a feeling the conversation you started earlier wouldn't lead anywhere, this heated kiss only proving you right. It didn't help that you let your desires overpower any logical decision you could've made, not that any of that mattered anymore. He was intoxicating, it was impossible to deny him.

Going any further would end up being a mistake, you knew that. It wouldn't do your complicated feelings any favors, nor would it convince him to bother understanding you. But for now, you'd enjoy it. You'd let him handle you however he wanted, just like he always did, because in all honesty, you liked it.

#[📩] requests #[ drabbles ] #attack on titan #connie springer #attack on titan x reader #aot x reader #connie x reader

[tobeornottotc]

hi! tumblr newbie here just discovered kp and i'm kinda trying to see who to follow because the tag gets crazy and i want my dash free of all that, thoughts on vegas? thoughts on their first sex scene? was it r*pe for you? thoughts on kinn? tnks, xlaurax

Hi!

Wow that’s a lot of questions, I’ll try to answer them though you really made me have to expose my moral conflict a lot here haha. Anyways here’s my first opinions on:

Vegas

I love his writing and I think he has the potential to be great. His book version is very complicated how I feel about him in that because I completely adore his growth and storyline/arc and how he grows and changes but I also find him very toxic and I disliked the first parts of his arc with Pete because it was a bit too much and I haven’t seen fully yet what changed between them. But I am someone who normally loves morally grey characters so I’m not surprised that I’m conflicted with my love for story and development vs morality and if he deserved the happiness and love of Pete later. On show Vegas I feel like the writers know what they’re doing they are going to humanise him so much more like they’re doing to Kinn, and they’re going to make his issues exposed more and on the surface and they’ll give him and Pete more understanding to how they get to where they are at the end of the novel. Also with the show I’m shallow what can I say Bible is perfectly casted as him, seductive, and too much not to love, he’s beautiful but dangerous but because there’s a face to Vegas in the form of Bible I can’t help but love and want him to be better and developed more. My favourite version of Vegas so far in the novel is when he’s with Porsche like I said there’s something so wicked and complicated in the way he develops during that time it’s confusing it’s conflicting but it’s also dimensional and I squeal each time I see it come to fruition. I think that Vegas will be shown again once I see him at the end of his arc. But I haven’t yet seen that version of him where I’m at with him and Pete. Though Pete suffers because Vegas needs someone who can love the monster he is, again a monster can love, be good and change but it’s not an easy path to finding that out. Pete gets to see him at his worst and still decides to choose him despite it all. (How right that is psychologically can be a debate but it’s still important to notice)

On consent

Yes i do see it as R*pe but it’s more complicated than what people who just want to cancel the show or purity warriors see it as. Kinn was fully sober and gave into his urges and slept with Porsche when he wasn’t of sound mind, when there was no consent, and Porsche goes through that trauma in episode 5 because it was assault. However it’s blurry and confusing. It’s not as simple as that. Because Porsche feels taken advantage of but still thinks positively about those moments and feels distraught he likes and was happy during those moments. It’s a tricky one, but I’m not goanna sugar coat it and say it wasn’t assault but I’m also not goanna say Porsche was mad about it when he woke up , because he wasn’t he was afraid of how he got there :the drugging not the outcome, he was upset and triggered after Kinn changed and left him to process it all on his own, Kinns change made him feel taken advantage of and the tying of his hands triggered him during the punishment reminding him of when it was tied when Vegas was on top of him, he started to spiral into the emotions of both wanting his aggressor and feeling used and abandoned. Though I see it as assault I’m not disgusted or frightened by it, I’m happy with how it’s being handled so far, and I don’t hate Kinn or think he’s a monster for it either. Because Porsche doesn’t. In real life it would be more damaging it would be a different story but I knew what I was getting into in this show.

Kinn

He’s my little meow meow I guess. He’s heavily treated as such an awful person by the fandom at times it makes me sad, because it’s clear there’s so much he’s been through, so much pain and trauma he himself like all the other characters were made from, so much pressure on him to be the monster people keep thinking he is. Kinn’s not a monster though his truth is that he cares he may be a brat but it comes with his job description, he’s rich and wealthy and forced to be in a position of power to protect all dear to him. He’s a protector, a dragon forced to attack so no one comes and takes away his shelter and wealth and safety. That’s what Kinn is, below that he’s caring, he’s soft, and whiny, and he’s a mess when it comes to love. He’s a hopeless romantic he believes in love and he gives into it openly and that’s his downfall or was his downfall he can’t be that with the role he has to take, with the environment he has to adapt to, he has to break to fit in and he has to break others to gain control. His focus is on his responsibilities, on his family and on his freedom to love, he tainted it and dissociated from the matters of the heart when it broke now he tries to enjoy his freedom with pleasure and drinking. He drowns himself in that so much he doesn’t know he’s still hurting, scarred and torn. And he lacks trust to every body because of it, all Kinn wants is a refuge to stay in and someone who can be by his side who he can trust and rely on, someone who can be his forever, his companion that’s all this messy hopeless romantic wants and he can’t have that because he’s the heir to danger and betrayal there’s no place for that with him. When Porsche arrives it becomes different, it’s uncontrollable and it’s fate so it pushes him and tests him and forces him to stop running and hiding and face his scars and overcome them. So yeah I love Kinn, I adore his messiness and chaos I feel his hurt and I understand his pressure and pain. I feel as suffocated watching him try to escape the chains he’s in. But it’s not easy it’s not easy for any of these characters and that’s where it hurts.

Thanks anon. Hope this answers some of your questions, feel free to send me more if you want and you’re still looking for more content about KP. I’m free to always listen to opinions and discuss the show ❤️

#Kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #reviews #asks #bl series #bl drama #Thai bl #Kinn x Porsche #vegas x Pete

[onesourceofbadinformation]

dal r’el and uhhhh kendall roy. boyos

oh the fellas!

dal:

sexuality headcanon: idk hes like 14. he'll figure it out

otp: same answer as previous, hes like 14 he'll figure it out... though i wouldn't be mad about dal/gwyn, which i assume is the direction the show is going

brotp: dal and gwyn are so sweet together! you know how i feel about angsty characters who get redeemed by the narrative. although dal is such a good "captain" my brotp could be him with any of the main crew lol. him and jankom are funny; i love the episode when jankom keeps challenging him and being like "that's what a good first officer would do." dal and rok are like siblings to me. i love his mentor relationship with holojaneway

notp: idk i don't have strong feelings about this either

first headcanon that pops into my head: would try to "win" at dungeons and dragons—and, in the process, would learn a valuable lesson about friendship. hey prodigy writers btw i have an episode pitch,

favorite line from this character: oh god im pretty bad at remembering individual lines. can i choose the scene where hes playing that disc-in-cone game from tng. i'm just so glad that he's our first gamer captain. "gamer" is my favorite canonical dal character trait

one way in which I relate to this character: that episode where he gets really mad about not being able to beat the kobayashi maru. i really related to that. i, too, would abandon my crew in their time of need to try to Win an unwinnable scenario

thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: i cant think of anything off the top of my head!

cinnamon roll or problematic fave? hes a sweet guy. he has done nothing wrong. to me

kendall:

sexuality headcanon: bi? i think he views himself as straight but SOMETHING happened/is still going on with stewy

otp: i want him to be alone and miserable. i admire kenstewy truthers but it's not really my thing

brotp: him and his siblings particularly shiv and roman....augh they fascinate me....i like it when they are on the same team

notp: rava i guess? i'm not necessarily opposed to seeing them hatefuck in season 4. i don't think naomi was good for him

first headcanon that pops into my head: this is basically canon but he got megathump the rabbit as a way of connecting to his children who he is incredibly distant from. hes the kind of distant parent who tries to buy affection. renting out the theme park for sophie's birthday. buying iverson the most complicated lego sets. you know

favorite line from this character: i'll throw in a blowjob, i'll throw in a reach-around...hell, i'll even cup his balls. Dad

one way in which I relate to this character: self-destructive addictive tendencies prone to mood swings deeply cringe

thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: LITERALLY EVERYTHING. i want to say l to the og but the truth is that didn't give me second hand embarrassment because i was too busy laughing and grooving. the scene in prague when he's in the meeting with those women and he takes off the shoes is probably his worst scene for me. absolutely awful to get through. oh and "fuck the patriarchy", and "bad tweet"

cinnamon roll or problematic fave? well he's just the worst

#thank you!!! :)

[watermelonsliceoflegs]

Thinking about how my mom and her friend we lived with at the time really fucking hated me being on my computer for no reason so they would give me a 30 minute maximum and then expect me to just sit around the apartment doing nothing* and would put me in time out if i accidentally went over the time limit by like 5 seconds (they would set timers but not tell me when they set them or when the timers ended and expected me to be accurate to the second) ((also i was in 6/7th grade when this was happening, who puts a 13 year old in time out)) (((also also i would break my 30 minutes up throughout the day but they wouldn't be paying attention and often wouldn't believe me when i told them that i had stopped using it at a certain time so i was usually getting less than 30 minutes)))

*they didn't actually expect me to be doing nothing but we lived on an extremely busy street and the only places within walking distance were a plaid pantry and a dollar store, there was no food in the house that wasn't microwaveable or box mac and cheese so i couldn't have been cooking (it was really around this time that they were getting mad at me for not knowing how to cook too!!), there were also no books and no libraries anywhere nearby, i wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends which i understand less and less as the years go by, i suppose there were pens in the house and papers of some sort so i guess I'm really making up excuses here because i guess i could've spent every hour of every day drawing on the backs of random applications and receipts, but basically they would constantly be telling me that there were plenty of things to do and that it was my own fault that i had nothing to do

They claimed it was unhealthy for me to be on electronics all day but that couldn't have been it because they were fine with me watching tv, except i don't watch tv so i was like never using it anyway

I'd imagine this post is really hard to follow because there's no punctuation and a lot of incomplete thoughts but I'm kind of just like running through what my life used to be like in middle school and I'm truly perplexed by their thought processes here

For some reason during these years my mom was really mean to me and I still don't know why but she would constantly make fun of me and get mad at me for random things and not let me do anything and always be changing her mind about things and using the excuse that she was the parent and i was the child so i didn't get any say in any matter because that's how it is when you're a kid (yes, seriously!!! She would talk about how i didn't deserve privacy either because i wasn't at that age) OH MY GOD i also didn't have privacy

There was one bedroom and 4 people living there and we were all forced to sleep in the same room for reasons i will also never understand, i would always offer to sleep in the living room but they would get mad and say no and tell me that that's not how a proper household functions, and during the day I wasn't allowed in the bedroom unless i was grabbing something so all of my fucking days at home were spent sitting in a tiny living room with at least one other person until nighttime when i got to go sleep with 3 other people and i wasn't allowed to be alone even if i asked (summers were AWFUL) and my mom's friend didn't work so sometimes she'd be baby sitting her friend's kid and that was the closest i could ever get to alone time

It's so funny that this was like the best my life had ever been at this point because i know that's not even that bad but i could never go back to something like that, it was the cleanest and most stable place id ever lived which is extra funny because we weren't on the lease so if we had been seen living there by the manager at any point all of us would have been kicked out

When i think about all this it makes me really angry and it also makes me understand why im constantly out of the house and why i spend so much time in my room when im home

This post is really long but I'm just thinking a lot

I feel like every adult in my life has hated me at some point, all of my mom's family hates me for being my dad's kid and I'm not invited to like any family events (which is fine tbh) my mom went through a random "i hate you and i want to control every aspect of your life" phase during late elementary school- early high school, my dad is crazy and has claimed to not hate me my whole life but we all know that isn't true, and my dad's side of the family definitely doesn't hate me but my dad is crazy once again so they don't really talk to him which means they aren't gonna be talking to me, i feel like my existence must've just done something really terrible to everyone and they're just not telling me what it is

This is too long and definitely riddled with spelling errors

[inthecarpets]

.

The post i wrote on the catharsis of just throwing it down with someone and fighting.

Honestly. I might mess up the chronology a bit but: I used to have a friend i considered my best. We'd be close but not by proximity. Just online friends for many years and sometimes meeting. We'd exchange gifts, they'd even bake me a cake once and drove with it far far away to me.

But i wasn't that person's best, and with time i'd very slowly notice we'd drift away, except for the fact that it was before i'd finally learn that you cannot simply spam a thousand link posts to someone each day. Which i guess does speak on How, yeah, i guess i am neurodivergent and learning The Obvious is a slow process. It took me time but at least i'm there now.

But that's the thing. That person wouldn't exactly tell me off for it. They seemed quite nonconfrontional. And with time i would notice the conversations we'd have each day for many years became more one sided. They'd mention depression but while i was always open, they'd speak less and less about themself.

We'd always go for some conventions together, but then that one time it suddenly turned out, in the place itself, that actually they already got other friends to hang out with. They just didn't mention it somehow i guess. Lot of friends i never even heard of. They had other stuff to do than hang out with me. so well. We wouldn't interact as much on that convention.

But i still continued to write. Each day. And they'd reply. Each day. Though sometimes they'd miss. I would have a huge rambling moment and they'd miss. It was alright with me tho bc i kept spamming with links still without almost a hint of how overbearing that could be. And they wouldn't mention it??

Then my birthday came, and for the first time ever they forgot it? And IT felt weird. My birthdays weren't a huge thing and we weren't even giving each other gifts at that point. But they forgot it. And i wrote to them pretty confused asking what happened and said that well, its ok if they forgot. But there was no reply. So nervous i simply kept sending those meme and art links once again. They replied to the links. Never mentioned my birthday.

And we'd go on. I'd be sending links, sometimes we'd chat a bit. But i'd always(?) Be the one to initiate it. With time i realised i shouldn't be spamming so much. I apologized on it, they'd be pretty nonconfrontional about it and say it's alright. Though well, i'd still have my spammy moments. I still had my awkward moments. And it still felt one sided.

And then Yet another birthday of mine came up. A day before though i sent them some art or memes. They replied to them on the same day. On my birthday i decided to not send anything to them, to see if they remember of my birthday. To see if they are still a friend. They never wrote. We never talked again.

And sometimes it still makes me so mad. So mad that i couldn't learn to stop being so awkward sooner. So mad that they never told me anything. So mad that it feels like they were waiting literal few years till i stop messaging them?? Cause i'm guessing, they couldn't confront me?? And even if i asked, they'd dodge the question anyway??

There is no resolution, nothing cathartic. I wish we fought each other. I wish they told me they hated my guts and wanted me to shut up already and stop writing nonsense. But like this??? I don't know. Maybe they simply Forgot of my existence. And that's just as awful thing to mean what i meant to them since i wrote to them Each Day. I might never know. Cause i won't try Ask this person, why they cared not for so long. I could not receive an answer anyway. They could not cared anyway. There is no love, no friendship And there is Nothing cathartic about it.

[absolute-lithops-emotion]

trying to articulate my thoughts on the gay sex cats and the way people are reacting to that image being ai generated because like

to me, it's really not any different than if it had been made in photoshop

like, if somebody sat down in front of their computer and said "i'm gonna make a picture of some cats that spell gay sex" and opened up photoshop, i mean, sure the pictures they would use might be of their real life cat but they also might not be, they could very easily be pictures of some random cats that they just found somewhere and manipulated and added shadows and lighting to in such a way that they spelled gay sex

and if they decided to do this and opened up an ai image generator instead of photoshop, the only difference really is that the ai is doing all the photoshop things

and for a joke post on tumblr about cats that spell gay sex, i think that's perfectly fine? i think that if some random person got the idea to make a picture of cats that spell gay sex, and they didn't already know how to use photoshop, i think it's perfectly understandable that they wouldn't want to go through the whole process of learning how to use it just to make a joke post on tumblr. and even if they did know how to use photoshop but didn't want to go to all that effort for, again, a joke post on tumblr

like, there are certainly problems with ai but i just don't think this is one of them

and i think the reason people are so mad and disappointed here, is that they wanted to believe in the serendipity of the gay sex cats, they wanted to believe that this just happened, no matter how unlikely they know that to be

but that's a difficult thing to articulate and ai is right there and they're already primed to hate it, so they don't look any farther for an explanation, which is also understandable but like

does it really make the post less funny, or less cool, or less anything, if you know it isn't "real"? the original post doesn't make any claims to it being real, it's just like, "hey look at this neat picture!" and you're supposed to go "aw, cute cats! but i don't get what's so neat about it- wait a second" and then realize that op has "tricked" you (a nice trick, because we like gay sex here, but still, a trick)

so like, the image seeming real but being altered or fabricated in some way is part of the joke, and that's how i took it, but i guess other people didn't? i dunno i have no good ending for this post

[ao3-deviance]

Hair Care, Pt. 1

Kirishima combed his fingers through his hair, turning his head side to side and sighing at the black roots. He needed to redo it again. He dropped his hands to the counter, grabbing his headband to push his hair back and cover his roots. He'd run to the store after classes and get some more dye. It wasn't the quickest process, especially since he had to bleach the black first, so he would basically have to spend his whole off day from school doing it.

He took the teasing about being late and not having his hair styled with a shrug and a smile. Everyone was good natured about it and he just claimed to have woke up too late to style it, wearing the headband to keep it out of his face. He was sure most of the class could probably guess that he dyed his hair, but he still enjoyed the illusion, like maybe he was actually brave and not just pretending by slapping on color from a box.

"Oi, Shitty Hair," Bakugou called out as usual as they were dismissed from class.

Kirishima couldn't hold back a grimace. Bakugou always called him that, but on days like this, it tended to hit a little too close to heart. He managed a slightly strained smile.

"Hey, man. What's up?"

"Let's spar tomorrow. We've got an off day so we can use the gym all afternoon."

Kirishima frowned. "Ah, sorry. I can't tomorrow."

Bakugou's brow scrunched. "You got plans already?"

"I mean, kind of?" Kirishima winced. "Not exactly fun plans, just a chore I got to do. It'll take a couple hours at least."

Bakugou sighed longsufferingly. "Fine, what is it? I can help and it'll go faster. Then we can spar."

"Um." Kirishima hesitated. "It's not...really something the amount of people can change how fast it goes."

Bakugou scowled, turning away. "Fucking whatever, okay, if you didn't want to just say so." He started to stomp off with his shoulders high, tense. Shit, he'd hurt his feelings.

"No, wait, I do want to!" Kirishima called out, snatching his bag and rushing after him. "It's just," he exhaled. "It's my hair, alright? I've got to dye it again, my roots are growing out," he admitted, kicking his feet against the ground. "Not exactly something fun though. Or something worth bragging about."

Bakugou cut his eyes at him from the side. He seemed contemplative now instead of mad. Kirishima startled when he suddenly reached out, fingers grabbing a lock of Kirishima's hair and rubbed it between his fingers.

"That's why your hair's shitty," he said.

Kirishima flinched this time, looking away and feeling a bit of a burn in his eyes he tried to ignore. He grabbed his arm with his opposite hand, slumping. Yeah, he knew Bakugou had rude nicknames for everyone, but he hadn't thought Bakugou meant it when he called him Shitty Hair.

"Fuck, no, that's not--" Bakugou blurted out quickly. Kirishima peeked at him to see the blond actually looking a little flustered. "My mom knows all this shit about hair and I kind of picked some of it up on accident. Your hair's dry from the bleaching and the dye. You don't use the right conditioner. That's what I meant."

Kirishima blinked. That was the most he'd ever heard Bakugou say at one time without yelling.

"Let me help," Bakugou asked. Then he scowled. "No. No choice. I'm helping you," he stated, turning and grabbing Kirishima's wrist to tug him forward. Kirishima helplessly followed.

His mom and dad hadn't had any experience with hair dye so Kirishima had just had Google and the box instructions to follow. He wasn't against getting some advice from someone who knew what they were doing though. He had noticed his hair was dryer and more brittle, he just hadn't known there was an option to fix that without stopping dyeing his hair.

At the store, Bakugou stalked to the hair section, scanning the boxes. "What do you usually get?"

Kirishima pointed to one of the boxes on the bottom shelf, fire engine red.

"You can't just use any shit" Bakugou tsked, as he looked at the back of the box. "This one's fucking awful. Never use permanent dye, that's why you get roots so bad. Use semi permanent. You have to redye it either way, but this way it'll fade more evenly and be less noticeable, just might be darker overall if black's your natural," Bakugou explained, grabbing a different dye and shoving it in Kirishima's arms. He didn't say anything about the hair bleach Kirishima grabbed, so he guessed that wasn't bad. He turned to the register.

"The fuck you going?" Bakugou called out, further down the aisle.

Kirishima held up the two boxes. "To buy these? We're done, right?"

Bakugou's eyes bugged and he sputtered. "That's it?" He stressed. "What about oil? Leave in conditioner? Treated shampoo?"

Kirishima blinked, tilting his head just a little. "What?"

Bakugou groaned. "This is why your hair is so dry, damn." He dragged Kirishima down the aisle to some hair oils. "You at least need coconut oil. Argon is good too."

"Okay," Kirishima said slowly. Bakugou looked over them quickly before grabbing a green bottle of coconut oil.

"Leave in conditioner helps too," Bakugou explained. "Some of them can even help your dye last longer." He grabbed another. "Please tell me you at least use shampoo for dyed hair."

"Of course!" Kirishima defended, pointing the brand he usually got.

Bakugou looked apocalyptic. "2-in-1 shampoo?!" He practically screeched.

Kirishima winced. "I thought that was good? Extra hydration?"

"I'm exploding that when we get back," Bakugou informed him, grabbing a different bottle. He grabbed another conditioner as well.

"I need two conditioners?" Kirishima asked as he followed him to the register.

"One for in the shower to wash out, one's leave in," Bakugou said gruffly, grabbing the boxes from Kirishima and throwing them all on the belt. Kirishima was getting out his wallet when he realized Bakugou was paying.

"Hey, wait! It's for me, dude, I can pay!"

"It's a lot of extra shit you don't usually get, I'll get them this time," Bakugou said, accepting his change. He smirked. "Once you see the difference, you'll see why it's worth it."

"I'm kind of starting to think you like doing this kind of stuff," Kirishima said as they headed back.

"You need to take of your hair. It's part of your image as a hero." Bakugou said, and Kirishima could see a bit of a blush cross his face. "You're also apparently a dumbass."

Kirishima laughed. "I appreciate it, Bakugou."

"Whatever. We'll get started tomorrow morning. Should be done by lunch."

"Thanks!"

.....

(To Be Continued)

#kiribaku #bakushima #bakugou katsuki #kirishima eijirou #insecure kirishima eijirou #soft bakugou katsuki #fluff #hair care #my writing #100 #200

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter ten: "Set me free my honey bee"

Word count: 11,6K

Summary: Let's jump 19 months in time and see how painful it has turned for reader and Spencer to hide their feelings for each other. JJ leaves the team, and a new member joins the BAU.

Warnings: Angst and hurt. Fools being assholes. Cursing, of course. Mention of CM cases and spoilers on S06E11.

A/N: Please don't hate me. Just remember things usually look like the shit before they get worst, and then everything is better. I hope.

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

┅┅┅┅┅┅┅༻❁༺┅┅┅┅┅┅┅

(Y/N)'s point of view

Time is a weird thing. I remember when I was in school and time didn't pass fast enough. Semesters were eternal. It felt it had been years by the time summer vacation arrived. The complete opposite happened to me at the BAU. Suddenly, time passed too quickly. A whole year and a half went by in the blink of an eye.

I told Spencer about it, and he sent me a paper published by Professor Adrian Bejan that presented an argument based on the physics of neural signal processing. He hypothesizes that, over time, the rate at which we process visual information slows down, and this is what makes time 'speed up' as we grow older.

My answer was that I thought it happened 'cos as we grew older, we did things that actually gave us joy, which made us feel the time was passing faster than before. So we argued a whole Saturday afternoon about it and created our own theories for that event.

My theory was my personal favorite, 'cos it was the only one that could easily explain why so much time had passed in the BAU, and it felt like it had been just a few weeks.

It hadn't been easy, though. Those nineteen months had been filled with some of the worst situations we had been through as a team.

After I got shot, JJ finally admitted her relationship with Will and got pregnant. That was shocking, the first BAU baby: Henry.

Sadly, Henry was the only little good thing that happened that year. Because to sum it up, a bunch of awful shit happened to all of us: Hotch was in a car explosion that almost killed him. Spencer and Prentiss got trapped in an undercover mission into an underground cult to investigate child abuse, and Emily was beaten up pretty badly. Also, Spencer got infected with anthrax and nearly died. That was probably the most agonizing moment I had lived since the whole Tobias Hankel situation two years earlier.

Also, that year Prentiss had to investigate the case of the death of one of her best friends, and I was in a pretty nasty fight with an unsub that got me out of the field for three weeks. Not to mention, Spencer was shot in the leg.

Hotch was stabbed by the only unsub that has actually won against the BAU: Foyet. He attacked Aaron and got on the lose for months, but we all knew his next move as torture Hotch's family. That's why his ex-wife Haley and his little son Jack had to go into protective custody, and he couldn't see them for months while we tried to catch Foyet.

Things didn't go as planned. And without a doubt, the worst moment that year was the day Haley died. Foyet killed her, and Aaron lost it. He literally killed him with his bare hands the moment he got him. For a solid week, I was sure Aaron Hotchner wouldn't be the unit chief anymore. Strauss actually opened an investigation related to everything that happened that day. But in the end, somehow, she understood the "bloodbath" that had happened in that house was all in Foyet's hands.

However, there's no way to deny that the whole team had changed in many ways after that year. The concept of being a family was now more present than ever. After chasing Foyet for months, we were all onto him as if he was chasing our own family, because he was.

You don't work this kind of job with a team like mine and don't get attached to them. And this goes beyond how in love I was with Spencer. The (Y/N) who first stepped into the BAU, scared to show her true self, was long gone. And despite my deepest fears, letting them in and showing them who I really was had been one of the smartest decisions I have ever made.

Do you want to know which was my stupidest decision? Falling in love with Spencer Reid. It hadn't actually been my choice. I just didn't fight the feeling either. I don't think I could have even if I tried, though. Those nineteen months brought us so close, my mom thought we were living together, and the teasing from our friends was so common we weren't even affected by it.

For Christ Sakes, even Strauss thought we were dating! She forced us to attend a seminar on fraternization, concerned after she realized we always took our vacation together. We had a lot of fun trips, though. First, we visited his mom and had an amazing weekend in Las Vegas. Then we took a few days off after the anthrax incident and went to Hawaii. Picture Spencer Reid in an "all-inclusive," drinking all the coffee and eating all the pastries possible while reading a million books underneath an extra-large umbrella. We had fun that week, did some local touring, but most of all, sleeping in and relaxing. Spencer hates the beach but got those tickets anyway.

Did everybody think we were a couple? Yes

Did it help that we shared rooms, 'cos we were already used to it? No

Did it feel like a honeymoon without sex? Yes

Could I stop thinking about sex with Spencer? No.

And all that led us to the nightmare our relationship was going to become.

Penelope Garcia was drunk. She kept pouring shots and pushing them to us. Emily was wasted as well. But she kept acting like the classy lady she is. Not like JJ. My poor baby had mascara smeared under her eyes after crying for like an hour.

We found out she was leaving the team, and it was a hard blow on us. And by hard, I mean the worst thing that had ever happened to us. We had suffered without JJ when she was on maternity leave. And we struggled without her. Now knowing the Pentagon had taken her away from the BAU was torture.

We had a goodbye party for her at Rossi's, but this was our goodbye girl's night, and neither of us was holding anything back.

We had cried, we had sung sad songs. We drank all the champagne, wine, and vodka we could find. And now, holding our tequila shots, we knew it was time to call it a night.

- "I just love you girls so much,"- JJ whispered, crying- I don't wanna work without you.

- "Boo, come here!!"- I opened my arms and wrapped them around my friend, kissing the top of her hair a few times- "I love you too, and you are going to come back so soon you won't have time to miss us. You'll see. Papa Rossi and Dada Hotch are gonna fix everything."

I was drunk. Seriously drunk. But that wasn't the reason why I was so sweet with JJ. The truth is, I was broken-hearted. Like Penelope and Reid, I didn't manage change very well, and the fact that JJ was forced to leave made me feel frustrated and mad. But most of all, it made me think of every time I had been a little bitch with her during the years. And I regretted each one of them.

- "And we won't be far!"- Emily added and caressed JJ's arm, smiling kindly- "You will still be in town, and we will not leave you alone"- JJ chuckled and nodded.

- "I know, girls. Shit, I love you all so much!"

- "We love you too!"- Penelope sobbed and moved closer, wrapping the three of us in her arms.

- "Please, take care!"- JJ wiped off the tears from her eyes and looked at us- "Emily, don't do anything stupid! Don't rush in the field, and please don't take your fucking vest off!!"

- "I won't! I promise!"

- "You have to live to be Unit chief one day!"- JJ added, and Prentiss widened her eyes, shocked.

- "That's not really my gold."

- "But you'd be queen, baby!!"- Jareau added and turned to Penelope- "And you, please make sure Hotch eats. I kept a stack of granola bars on my desk to keep him fueled during the day. He usually forgets lunchtime and skips dinner, so..."

- "Don't worry, JJ,"- Penelope nodded, and we all felt our heartbreak a little thinking about all the things JJ did in her daily basics to take care of the team, and we didn't even know.

- "How are we going to survive without you?"- I mumbled, pouting. JJ chuckled and held my hand.

- "You are a rock, and you will do a fantastic job keeping this team together. Just, please, can you and Spencer start dating now?"

I wide opened my eyes and stared at JJ. The comment surprised me. I shouldn't, 'cos the whole "you and Spencer should start dating" joke was getting old. Only this time, JJ wasn't joking. She held both my hands and looked right into my eyes.

- "(Y/N), he loves you"- I was about to argue with her, but she covered my mouth with her Cheetos smelling hand.

- "Don't say a word! Spencer loves you so much you really must be blind not to see it. And I know you love him too. It's implied in all the little things you do for him every day. So don't take it for granted. Don't think this will last forever 'cos look at me! A week ago, I was happily working at the BAU, and now I'm drinking at my goodbye party! So don't waste any more time! You are in love with Spencer, and he loves you! It doesn't take a profiler to see it. So please! Act on it!"

There was a dramatic silence after. I didn't know how to break it. I could just joke around, but somehow, it didn't feel right. It had been too quiet for too long, and that made everything harder to deny. Finally, Emily put her hand on mine, just like JJ was still doing, and smiled at me.

- "There's nothing to be ashamed of, (Y/N). You are not the first person to fall for her best friend."

- "And the Junior G Man loves you so much,"- Penelope added, landing her hand on our hands too.

- "As his friend"- I corrected and sighed. I guess that was it. After three years, I could probably start facing my feelings in front of my friends.

- "No, (Y/N)"- Garcia tried to argue, but I shook my head and stood up, 'cos all that sudden attention and affection was bothering me.

- "PG, I was in Hawaii with the man, sharing a room, walking around in a bikini, and he didn't do anything."

- "That's because he is shy!"- Emily excused him right away.

- "My bikini leaves pretty much nothing to the imagination. Do you know what he said when he first saw me on it?"- I looked at my friend and poured us another round of tequila- "And I quote, "I don't think I brought enough books. This one is too interesting."

I air quoted with my fingers as we spoke, and the three of them looked at me, speechless. I made my point and drank my shot, feeling the alcohol burning down my throat. My friends opened their mouths but didn't produce a word. I sighed and looked at them.

- "But he hates the beach, and he took you there anyway,"- Emily pointed out

- "Did he give you his speech about how he hates sandy food?"- JJ asked me, and I chuckled, nodding.

- "And about pink skin, limited and unengaging topography, and of course, the real reason he hates the beach: drug-resistant bacteria spread by seagull feces."

- "And the man took you to the beach!"- Penelope argued.

- "But he didn't do anything! he didn't make his move, didn't even hold my hand!!"- I nearly shouted- "That's why, among a lot of reasons, is how I know Spencer is not interested in me! If only I'd tell you all the shit we've been through!"

- "Please!! Tell us!!"- Garcia begged and grabbed one of my legs- "I won't live another day 'cos I won't be able to deal with the mystery!"

- "No! 'cos you are gonna tell Morgan"- I slurred- "And he is going to embarrass and tease my honey bunny, and my honey bunny is gonna get all nervous and nervous around me, and we are never going to..."- I stopped talking and looked at my friends. I was sharing too much.

- "(Y/N)?"- Prentiss looked at me, but I just shook my head and looked down.

- "I think I better go home."

- "No, you can't drive like this,"- JJ argued immediately and held my hand- "I'm not gonna let you go intoxicated. Will is gonna come pick me up, and we'll drop you in your place."

I nodded at her and stayed still. My friends smiled at me, and slowly very slowly, I leaned on JJ's shoulder and rested my head on it.

- "I love you, boo,"- I whispered, and she giggled- "I don't think I'll stay sane without you there with us anymore."

- "Hotch is gonna manage to get her back,"- Penelope assured me, and I just nodded.

- "Meanwhile, we won't replace you, and if anyone tries to push someone new into the team, we are not gonna take them,"- I added, feeling JJ's hand holding mine.

- "Don't be mean with people just 'cos you miss me. If there's a new teammate, it won't be their fault I was pushed out of the BAU."

- "But, JJ,"- I tried to argue, but she shook her head right away.

- "No, (Y/N). You can't be mean to people just because."

Clearly, my friend hoped I could be the better person. The simple question was: did I want to be the better person? Right there, drunk and sad, the answer was no.

Spencer's point of view

I kept finding myself awake at four in the morning, walking around my apartment, not able to read or to write anything. For the last months, at least twice or three times each week, I would stay awake, no matter how tired I felt, and I would haunt my own apartment, listening to my vinyl records.

The sudden lack of sleep wasn't really something weird in me. I have always been nocturnal. Besides, the news of JJ's departure had hit us all pretty hard. I had already shared my share of tears and tried to manage the fury that caused me to know we were helpless to the government's decisions. There was nothing we could do, neither us, Hotch, or even Strauss. Not that she would if she could.

My family was in crisis, and all we could do was hope for the best and stay together.

It was scary losing JJ. It made me think of all the things that could go wrong every day on the field daily. It was bad that we could get hurt or even die on our work. But that they divided us that way made no sense. Like Rossi said: our loss was someone else's winning, and in the FBI, no one cared if we lost.

I poured myself a cup of herbal tea and inhaled the smell of it. It smelled like home. Like (Y/N). She had some of her favorite teas in my apartment. She had a bunch of all her things there, actually. When mom visited, she thought we were living together. She is still sure we are dating and that I don't wanna tell her. I don't longer argue with her about it. It's useless, and it somehow feels good to imagine in another world. It was actually true.

That year my feelings for my best friend had grown in a way that made it all more difficult to deal with. I didn't just love her. I was in love with her. She was in everything I did, in each and every one of my thoughts. I could hear her laughter in my head, like a record playing my favorite song over and over again.

When she was out there in the field, I couldn't stop running all the probabilities of her getting hurt, and most of the time, I would do my best to keep her safe, knowing it could somehow interfere with the case.

Hotch had called me to his office a few times, aware something was going with me. He could read it on my face, I guess. It was scary to know everybody could read my feelings for (Y/N) but her. And it was sad to think of the worst: that she knew how much I loved her, but she didn't feel the same, and she was just being my friend 'cos she was never going to be anything else but my friend.

I drank my tea and hummed the song that sounded in my house at four in the morning: Love is a losing game. Seemed pretty accurate for my mood. I remember the day I got that vinyl. We were out with (Y/N), Frank, and Lu, looking for a present for Mikey's birthday, and we ended up in a record store, getting a million vinyl records for ourselves.

- "Are you getting all those?"- (Y/N) asked me and looked at the seven albums in my hand.

- "Yes, why? I can't?"- I answered and raised an eyebrow.

- "Sassy!"- she giggled and grabbed them- "You can get all the albums you want. But I have to give my approval first. No, you are not getting this!"- she grabbed The Beatles' Revolver and left it aside.

- "What? Why? It's only one I need to complete my collection."

- "I know, but when you get it, you'll force me to listen to it, and I don't like the Beatles,"- she argued, and I just shook my head, taking the album again.

- "Sorry, chipmunk, I'm buying it."

- "Fine. I won't go to your house for the next couple of weeks then."

- "Why don't you tell me which album you wanna listen to when you are in my house then?"- I looked at her, smiling at me and looking for a record on the shelves.

- "This! You need some Amy in your life."

And I did. Now, at four in the morning, all alone walking around, I could see her in my apartment, singing along to her favorite songs while cooking dinner, feeling at home. I wished she was there, with me, doing nothing. Watching tv, or reading. Just hanging out. I knew it wasn't healthy being in love with my friend, seeing her every day, and also hanging out with her every chance I got. But even when I knew she was never going to love me the way I did, I was going to take every chance I had to enjoy her company. If that was all I was going to get.

My phone took me from my thoughts, and I quickly walked to my room to get it. I thought it was Hotch announcing a case, but it was JJ.

- "Hey! JJ, everything ok? Is Henry ok?"

- "Yes, hi Spence. We are all ok."

- "It's four in the morning."

- "Sorry I woke you up... I just..." - she made a pause and sighed at the other side of the line- "Spencer, you know I love you."

- "I love you too. You are one of my best friends. Is everything ok?"

- "Yes, I just wanted to... remember a bunch of years ago, when you asked me to that football game?"

A million years had passed since the one and only time I had asked JJ out. It was the only move I tried to do on her, and I failed incredibly. It was awkward, and she had no idea it was a date, so she invited Garcia to come along. I was so embarrassed I never even mentioned that single event ever again, and our friendship grew after.

- "Yes, I remember, JJ. Why?"

- "When you asked me out, did you have a crush on me?"

- "JJ, are you drunk?"- I had to ask 'cos that conversation was starting to scare me.

- "Yes, but that's not why I'm talking about this. Just answer the questions, Spence. When you asked me out on that date, did you have a crush on me?"

- "Yes, I did."

I closed my eyes, embarrassed to face feelings that were far forgotten.

- "You see, I had a crush on you too back then,"- JJ said and chuckled- "But neither of us acted on it, and life continued, and now I'm in love with Will, and we have a baby, and you are his godfather."

Of all the things I thought I would listen to that day, never in a million years, I imagined I would hear JJ drunk telling me she had a crush on me when we first met.

- "Now, do you want that to happen again?"- she asked, and I didn't get it, 'cos I was still trying to process what I had just heard. So I might have had a relationship with her if only I had said something, act on it. Kiss her, ask her out again?

- "What?"

- "Spence. Do you want to miss the chance to be with the girl you like?"

- "No, but JJ, what are you talking about?"

She sighed, frustrated, and used that tone of voice with me, that very maternal specific tone of voice she used to explain things she knew were hard for me to follow.

- "When you like someone, Spence, you have to tell her. 'Cos sometimes, life gets in the way, and if you don't do what you have to do to be happy, no one will do it for you."

- "Are you ok, JJ?"

- "Yes, Spence, I'm ok. I'm home with Will. We just got here after dropping (Y/N) off her place."

- "How was she?"

- "She might have had a few too many drinks, but she'll be ok in the morning. Maybe she'd appreciate it if you brought her coffee and donuts."

- "She doesn't like donuts,"- I corrected her- "She likes cupcakes and brownies."

- "Sorry. Coffee and cupcakes... just tell her you love her, Spence. She deserves to know."

I held my breath and closed my eyes. I didn't get why JJ was telling me that, but I knew I didn't want to talk about it. So I said good night and hung up.

What was the point of telling me we could have been a couple of years had passed already? Why didn't she say a thing before? Or even better, why didn't she ever say a word about it at all? So I missed the chance to be happy with her. Great. One more regret to add to my list.

I laid on my bed and tried to remember that date. I was so nervous that day, my hands shook inside my pockets as I walked to JJ's door. She looked beautiful that day, especially when she looked at me and announced she had invited Penelope to join us.

That was when I realized she would never see me as a proper date, just like a friend. And I learned to make my peace with that over the years. My crush for JJ lasted a few more months, but it vanished when I fell for (Y/N). What if she had never joined the team? Would I have been in love with JJ forever? Jeniffer always made me feel like her little brother, and I guess that's the mechanic that works for us. We were good friends ever since we met, and yes, I had a crush on her, but we work more like siblings than anything else.

What was the point in telling me I had missed a chance with her now? I just couldn't see it.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The next few weeks were us trying to survive without JJ. The team was making the best it could, but it was hard. Penelope took the lead during the second case without JJ. She turned into our tech analyst and communication liaison, only to collapse under the pressure of having two roles.

No one was going to replace JJ. We all knew it. Literally, no one, 'cos Hotch decided he and Garcia were going to split the job, and we were all going to collaborate as much as we could, 'cos we were a team. A family. And that's what families do.

And families were the target of the unsub we were hunting the day everything changed. Again. I hadn't recovered from the departure of JJ when Rossi and Hotch walked to the bullpen and introduced us to Agent Trainee Ashley Seaver.

My nemesis.

- "Agent trainee Seaver"- Rossi smiled at her like a proud father and looked at us as we stood up, wondering who she was- "Supervisory Special Agent Prentiss, (Y/L/N), and Morgan."

- "I've heard so much about the three of you,"- she said with the sweetest tone of voice I had ever heard. Something about that felt odd.

- "I hope it is all good- Morgan flirted right away, of course."

- "Very, sir."

- "Anything specific? I mean about me in particular?"- I turned to him and failed in holding back my chuckles.

- "Please, don't encourage him, or he will never stop talking,"- I said, and Derek elbowed me playfully. Seaver smiled at us and even blushed a little bit. She was nervous.

- "Agent Seaver is on loan to us from the academy while she is remedial training with an injury."

Hotch announced. And my stomach tightened right away. There was something wrong with that whole scene. I could feel it in my guts. But I didn't know why?

- "Concussion. Hand to hand got a little out of control."- Seaver explained and kept a silly smile on her face.

- "How's the other guy?"- Prentiss asked.

- "Don't ask."

- "I was remediated in the academy also,"- Spencer said, walking over us, and suddenly I understood why I had a bad feeling about everything.

- "Agent Seaver, Dr. Reid."

As soon as I heard Rossi say those words, there was a part of me who just wanted to hold Spencer's hand and push him away from her, even before they could say hi. She looked at him like he was eye candy, and I clenched my knuckles as I stared at the scene.

- "Uhm... What was your issue?"- she asked him, and I could see the pink on her cheek intensifying as he looked at her, confused.

- "What was my issue? Marksmanship, physical training, obstacle course, Hogan's alley. You know, pretty much everything that wasn't technically book related. They ultimately had to make exceptions to allow me into the field."

Seaver stared at him and kept nodding, though I wondered if she was listening to what he had said. Spencer looked exceedingly handsome that day. His hair was very short for the first time in years, and he still had no idea how to comb it, so it was all over the place, making him look as hot as fuck.

I was so in love with him, I didn't know what to do with those feelings at all. It was hard working with Reid at that point. I just wanted to kiss him.

- "Agent Seaver's going to accompany us to New Mexico,"- Aaron announced, and I couldn't help but question him right away.

- "She is?"

- "As a consultant."- he assured me.

- "On?"- Morgan raised an eyebrow and looked at Hotch, wondering what a trainee agent could help us with as a consultant.

- "She has a unique perspective,"- Rossi tried to explain, but it sounded like bullshit.

- "They don't know?"- Seaver turned to the elderly agents, and they shook their heads.

- "Well, we weren't sure how you wanted to,"- David whispered.

- "Uh... Seaver's not my original last name. It's my mother's maiden name. Mine used to be Beauchamp. My father is Charles Beauchamp"- Ashley was supposed to explain the circumstances of her consultancy to the whole team, but she just looked at Spencer as she spoke.

- "As in the Redmond ripper, Charles Beauchamp?"- he asked her, and suddenly, it clicked. It was like my whole body was telling me I couldn't be close to her for a reason.

- "That's him,"- she whispered and kept her eyes on my best friend as he continued talking.

- "He killed 25 women over 10 years in rural North Dakota. I think that you caught him, right, Rossi?"- and David nodded.

- "Hotch was on that team, too."

- "Based on her life experience, we were hoping that agent Seaver might recognize something in the family dynamics inside the community that could be helpful. We have a plane waiting,"- Hotch announced and looked at us, but none of us said a word.

I kept my eyes glued at my feet the whole time Aaron talked. Then, Spencer nodded and walked with Seaver and Rossi out to the hangar. I couldn't even blink. I think I was in shock.

- "Her father was a serial killer?"- Prentiss asked Hotch, not getting what he was thinking.

- "That's definitely a different set of parameters,"- Morgan added. Neither of them was sold on the idea, which made me feel a little bit better.

- "I don't want her presence to get us sidetracked. It's a long shot that she's gonna see anything helpful. We work it like any other case,"- Hotch was clear, and Prentiss and Morgan nodded.

- "You got it."

But I disagreed with that.

- "(Y/N), is everything ok?"- Aaron asked me, and I tried my best to lie and be cool.

- "Yeah, I'm ok."

- "Ok. We work this like any other case. Wheels up in twenty."

But everything was far from being ok.

I sat next to Spencer on the jet, and we reviewed the case files together. Hotch briefed us, and we all pretended it wasn't weird having Seaver there. And I guess we had to pretend it wasn't odd knowing her dad was a serial killer.

- "You are very young, (Y/N),"- she said and smiled at me. She was sitting across from Spencer and me, and you could tell she had been trying to join the conversation for a few minutes now.

-" Twenty eight,"- I answered and looked at the files again.

- "And you, doctor?"

- "You can call me Reid. I'm twenty eight too,"- Spencer cut her a short, awkward, and nervous smile, and I turned to him.

- "Honey, did I leave my Mets jersey at your house?"- it was the only question that came to my mind at that minute. It was completely random, but somehow it showed a part of our dynamic that Ashley didn't know. Our friendship. Our closeness.

- "Yes, I found it last night,"- he answered and sipped his coffee- "I was gonna bring it over, but then I remembered you always borrow all my sweaters when you are home or when you stay over, so I thought maybe it was a good idea to keep it at my place."

- "I don't know, Batsy. It's my favorite sweatshirt- I raised an eyebrow, and I'm pretty sure I even flirted a little bit."

- "So? You need to keep one there."

- "But I like wearing your clothes when we are at your place. It's extra large and extra comfy."

- "Is that why you keep taking my sweaters back to your house?"- he asked and chuckled- "Last Sunday, I found four of my sweaters in your closet."

- "Sorry, I'm not even sorry,"- I said and laughed- "And what were you doing in my closet?"

- "Lucy, Ricky, can we focus on the case?"- Morgan asked and waved at us with one silly grin on his face- "We love hearing your adorable daily adventures, but we've got a psycho killer to catch."

Spencer blushed and flustered right away. I stuck out my tongue at Morgan and just shook my head. The way Seaver looked at Reid was still driving me nuts, but I felt I had shown her he was mine, childishly.

It's embarrassing to think that's not the most childish thing I did around her those days. Or in the weeks to follow. But I didn't like Ashley, and I didn't want her around my team. And it wasn't just her constant flirting with Spencer. It was the fact her father had killed my mother's sister when she was in college, and I was making my best effort to keep that fact aside from work. My personal life had to stay out of the FBI, especially when working a case.

I had to do some serious mental work trying to remember it wasn't Ashley's fault her father was a sick bastard. She hadn't hurt my family, and her father had ruined her life too. It wasn't her fault.

But one thing is knowing. Another thing is being rational about it. Spoiler: I wasn't so rational about it.

- "So, (Y/N). Do you like working at the BAU?"- Ashley asked me and looked at me through the rearview mirror. We were in the SUV, and Prentiss was driving. I was in the back seat, trying to ignore her, but she made it impossible.

- "Yes, very much,"- I answered and nodded, not taking my eyes from the window.

- "Everybody is very friendly,"- Seaver added and made a pause. I don't know if she wanted me to say something or if she was trying to find a way to say what she wanted to say.

- "Yes, they are,"- I humored her, and she quickly responded.

- "Are you and Spencer dating?"- I could feel the blood raising my cheeks as she spoke. And Prentiss flashed me a look through the mirror as Ashley continued talking.

- "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I just wondered because of the fraternization policy."

- "Right. Sure. Of course."

Those three words were meant to let Ashley know I wasn't buying her bullshit, So I literally spit them.

- "Spencer is my best friend. We are not dating."

Facing that simple truth had never been harder before, especially after how I saw Ashley's face light up.

- "You just seem to be so close."

- "Oh, they are close,"- Emily smiled at me and winked- "They are so close, they sometimes freak us out."

- "We freak you out?"- I raised an eyebrow and carefully hit her arm, pretending to be upset. But honestly, I was glad she was teasing me.

- "I am just saying, we are all pretty suspicious about you two. I am actually surprised you didn't share rooms tonight. They usually share rooms."- Emily explained to Seaver.

- "He was paired with Morgan,"- I pouted and looked at my phone. I thought maybe I could send him a funny text. I actually wanted to hang out with him.

- "He is very nice,"- Ashley added- "I mean, everybody is nice."

- "Yes, you mentioned it"

I was clearly not being nice. Seaver nodded and looked at the files again. I assumed she was trying to find a way to keep asking about Spencer, and I was making my best not to kill her.

- "Working with a genius must be somehow intimidating,"- she said after a few minutes. Damn it, she wasn't going to let that subject go.

- "It's fun working with Spencer,"- Prentiss said, trying to humor Seaver. And mostly, I guess trying to ease my mood and keep me from killing the trainee agent.

- "I'm sure it is,"- Seaver added. I hated her.

- "He is more than just a genius, he is a nerd."- Emily pointed out and chuckled at her words, making Seaver giggle too. I looked at my book again, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to concentrate on it at all. He was my nerd. Mine.

- "Well, it's very refreshing to be with a group who trusts and works so well together,"- she added- "I had never felt less judged and more welcome in my entire life."

I know I should have felt sorry for her. But I honestly couldn't. That was the day I realized I wasn't the good person I thought I was. There was a part of me that was a scumbag. I'm guessing knowing that is pretty helpful and positive 'cos you can work on your flaws. But I wasn't planning on working on anything at that minute, though. I just wanted to break Seaver's face.

Spencer's point of view

I didn't like working without JJ. I've never been good with change, and that was a massive alteration of our routine. I missed her, and adding Ashley to the team made things even weirder for me, even for a case. I didn't want to be judgemental, but her father was a serial killer. Of course, that would make things weird.

Besides, everybody kept bugging me, teasing me, trying to see if I liked Seaver. Penelope called while we were on the case and started taunting me, saying she knew I thought Ashley was cute. I could see she was beautiful, but I couldn't see her that way. And I didn't want anyone to say those kinds of things around (Y/N).

Why did I care so much?

I didn't want to face it 'cos I knew it was completely platonic, but I didn't want (Y/N) to think I had a crush on Seaver. I knew my best friend didn't have romantic feelings for me, and I also knew I wasn't going to make a move on her or anything. But I didn't want things to change more than they already had. And most of all, I didn't want anything to alter my dynamic with (Y/N).

But at the same time, somehow, it felt everything was already different between us.

- "Hey, honey bunny,"- (Y/N) walked to me and handed me a cup of coffee- "I thought you might need one of these."

- "You are a lifesaver,"- I whispered and sipped the cup. It was perfect.

We were on the jet on our way back home. The whole team was mostly quiet. The mood was weird. Ashley had done something quite reckless earlier and nearly got herself killed. She walked to the unsub's house all alone, not knowing he was our guy. She almost died, and none of us can even imagine what went through her head to do such a thing.

Rossi and Hotch walked to her. (Y/N) looked at me, and I could read on her face that both of us knew what was going to happen.

Ashley was alone when David sat in front of her, and Hotch stood in the middle of the aisle. Maybe that had been insensitive of us. Neither of us tried to contain her. Neither of us really knew her that well. Or at all, as a matter of fact.

- "You were not supposed to go off on your own."- Hotch went straight to the point.

- "I know,"- she whispered, and I could see how (Y/N)'s face changed. I tried to read her, but all I was able to see was... anger? I had to be wronged. She had no reason to be mad at Ashley.

- "You could have been killed,"- Hotch crossed his arms on his chest and stared at her.

- "I know that, too."

- "Why, Ashley? You're smarter than that"- Rossi sounded like a worried father. I didn't look at him 'cos I kept my eyes on (Y/N)'s, still trying to read her emotions. But what I saw made no sense. She really looked like she was angry at Ashley. Like she hated her.

- "I never got to apologize to any of the victims. The families of the women my father killed. I thought if I could just apologize to one family that had been hurt that way..."

And that was when (Y/N) snapped. She jumped from her seat and walked to Seaver. Aaron and David looked at her surprised, and Morgan turned to me, taking off his headphones. Neither he nor Prentiss got what was happening until that moment.

- "Ok. Shoot!"- (Y/N) sat right in front of Seaver, next to David, and looked at her. But she didn't get it.

- "What? What are you talking about?"

- "You just said you wanted to apologize to one of the families. So go ahead. Try."

The silence on the jet was so deep and awkward it felt no one was ever going to talk again.

- "I'm sorry, (Y/N). But I don't get what you are implying,"- Ashley's voice was a whisper. I knew she was sad and affected, embarrassed even. But I also knew (Y/N), and I could read it on her face. She wasn't joking.

- "You said you wanted to apologize to the family of one of your dad's victims, so go ahead. Apologize to me."

My first instinct was to stand up, which I did. But I froze and didn't take a step closer to (Y/N) when I noticed the severe and cold look in her eyes. I didn't know what she was talking about. But I knew she wasn't bluffing.

- "Why should I... apologize to you?"- Ashley asked her, and her voice broke at a certain point, probably scared of the answer.

- "Your dad killed my mother's older sister. She was in college,"- (Y/N) spit each word with hate and looked at Ashley, waiting for her reply. But Seaver didn't know what to do. She widened her eyes and stayed still. She barely kept her breathing steady.

- "(Y/N), maybe we should let Seaver rest,"- Hotch landed a hand on her shoulder, but my friend shook her head.

- "No, Hotch. By making that choice, she put everyone at risk,"- (Y/N) didn't take her eyes from Ashley as she spoke- "As far as I remember when you are at the academy, they teach you that in the field, we are responsible to and for your team."

- "(Y/N)... I had no idea..."- Ashley tried to apologize, I could see it, but it was clear she wasn't going to win that argument- "I am so sorry."

- "I don't know, Seaver. Did you think saying "sorry" would make those families feel better? 'Cos it ain't working here. "Sorry" won't make my mom stop feeling guilty about what happened. And, if things had gotten ugly back there, "sorry" wouldn't have made your mistake go away in case anyone would have gotten hurt. So no. Sorry doesn't help. Maybe it can ease your conscience, but when you really fuck it up, it never makes things better."

(Y/N) stood up and walked back to her seat in front of me. I let her pass and didn't say a word. I knew she wouldn't want to talk about it there. And, of course, Seaver didn't say a word. She just stood up and walked to the back of the jet, to the bathroom. Rossi and Hotch looked at each other and then looked at me.

David poured a glass of whiskey and walked to (Y/N) slowly. He didn't say a word, he just handed it to her, and she just took it and sipped it with shaky hands.

- "Thanks,"- she whispered, and Rossi nodded. Hotch raised an eyebrow, and for a moment, I thought he was going to say something, but he didn't. He just walked to his seat and opened a case file.

I moved back to my seat and opened my satchel. I had run out of candies earlier that day, so I didn't have much to give to her that could make her smile. So I picked a book and handed it to her. She took it and smiled at me kindly. I knew she was fighting back the tears, and I am sure she has held back all the emotions than being with the daughter of the man who killed her aunt since she knew who Seaver was. And she managed to do the job well. I was proud of her.

- "Wanna grab something to eat when we reach DC?"- I whispered, but for the first time ever, she shook her head.

- "I'm gonna have to catch a rain check for that dinner. I think I wanna go straight to my bed today, honey."- she sipped her glass again, and I nodded.

- "Don't worry, next time."

I was waiting for the train to go back home later that night when I saw Seaver sitting at a bench at the station, staring at her hands on her lap. I didn't see her leaving the BAU, though to be honest, I was really focused on finishing my paperwork to go home. (Y/N) had left as soon as we reached DC, but I had stayed a little longer.

I hesitated for a few seconds before I took a few steps closer and waved at Seaver. She looked at me surprised, as soon as she saw me, but didn't move. I smiled, trying to look friendly, and sat next to her.

- "Hi. What are you doing here?"- I asked her, and she shrugged.

- "I was going to go home, but I think I sat here half an hour ago and haven't been able to move,"- I turned to her and shook my head.

- "Do you want to eat something?"- after what had happened at the jet, I figured Ashley wasn't feeling so good, and maybe talking with someone could help her. She looked at me and blushed; I don't know why. But at least, she smiled and nodded.

- "Great, pizza?"

- "Pizza sounds good."

We were waiting for our food and making small talk. I kept giving Ashley pizza facts to fill the silence 'cos it was weird hanging out with Ashley. I didn't know her, really. We had worked a case together, but that didn't mean I knew her. And, of course, we had the whole jet incident. I felt a little guilty about what had happened, though it wasn't my fault at all in retrospect. I just felt like it was my job cheering her up a little bit after everything she had gone through.

- "How do you do it?"- she asked me all of a sudden- "How do you deal with the pressure of this job?"

- "You get used to it, I guess. I don't know if it's a good thing to get used to, but... it comes with the job, I think,"- I didn't know if I was doing ok comforting her. Then again, I have never been particularly good at it. Not then, not now.

- "Did you always dream about doing this?"- she asked me, and her eyes locked into mine in a way that made me feel slightly uncomfortable.

- "Y... yes. Ever since I was a kid, catching the bad guys,"- Seaver nodded and sipped her coke- "You? Why did you get into the academy?"

I regretted my question right after I asked, just 'cos I realized she might have done it to understand her father's behavior. It was only apparent that had shaped her actions.

- "I guess you know that..."- Ashley answered and smiled, her eyes looking straight into mine. I know I blushed. She is a beautiful woman, though I wasn't thinking about her that way. It was an odd feeling being observed that way.

I was glad our pizza made it to the table, and we were forced to stop talking, and I could focus on anything else but her. Not that I didn't want to look at her, but... I think the right way to explain it is to call it "uneasy." That's how I felt. I wanted to be friendly with her, she had a horrible experience consulting with the team, and I was sure she wasn't really having a good day.

- "This might sound weird, but... do you think I can call you sometime?"- Ashley asked after a few minutes. We were eating and talking about nothing important. I nearly chook at her words and looked at her, nodding.

- "Sure, why?"- I didn't mean to be rude. I just didn't know why she might need to talk to me again.

- "I just think maybe you could help me with a few assignments at the academy."

- "Yeah, of course."

Ashley Seaver smiled and nodded at me, pleased. She took a sip of Sprite, and I could read her, trying to find the words to continue speaking.

- "I'm glad. I was sure you were going to say no."

- "Why?"- I furrowed my brows, confused- "I'm not a big fan of phones, but I can handle a casual phone call."

- "No, I just didn't think your girlfriend would like... I mean, I think (Y/N) hates me, and as her boyfriend, I thought you... would... I don't know."

- "I'm, we are... we,"- I was completely flustered as I tried to rearrange my thoughts. Seaver looked at me innocently and waited for my words.

- "(Y/N) isn't my girlfriend"- it bothered me to admit that simple fact. Why? 'Cos it hurt to think we looked like a couple, but we weren't. Why did Seaver think we were together?

- "Really? But..."

- "She is my best friend,"- I explained poorly. She nodded and hesitated before saying what she was thinking. It was obvious she was trying to arrange the words in her head.

- "It's just that you two... sorry, I'm overstepping,"- Ashley blushed and shook her head- "She is... strong."

- "Yes, very."

- "I think I started with the wrong foot with her."

- "Well, I don't mean to justify anything, but if your father hurt,"- I made a pause, trying to find a way to say it that wasn't so painful.

- "Killed. My father killed her aunt,"- she corrected me with a cold and monotonous tone of voice. I just nodded and sipped my water.

- "She is an amazing person,"- I don't know if I was trying to excuse (Y/N)'s earlier behavior or if I just loved her so much I needed to tell people how awesome she was.

- "I'm sure you will pass this,"- I assured her- "Once you get to know her, and she gets to know you."

- "I don't think she will give me that chance. Besides, I was just clear to assist with only one case."

- "If you want to stay, you can request your remedial training be here. And if Hotch approves it, I could talk to (Y/N). I'm sure she will like to know you better."

Why did I say all that? I had no idea.

- "Thank you, Spence. You are really sweet,"- Ashley moved closer and held my hand. I stayed very still, absolutely awkward.

- "Yeah, I don't... like... holding hands,"- I quickly moved it away and tried to smile at her. She stayed still, not understanding my reaction but trying to act normal.

- "Sorry."

- "That's ok. I'm a germaphobe, that's all."

After pizza, we left the place and said goodnight. I told Ashley I was weary (which was, in fact, the truth) and got her a cab to take her home. After that, I walked to my place. I felt like I needed to be alone for a while. My head was overwhelmed, and in the latest couple of weeks, I had severe trouble sleeping.

I had migraines that nearly blinded me. I was scared they meant I could develop the first signs of schizophrenia, like mom, 'cos they were coming more and more often. It wasn't that bad yet, the light didn't hurt my eyes, and I didn't have any sign of hallucination, but still, I knew it could be serious.

I tried to think of a reason why I might be having those severe headaches. I was eating correctly, mostly 'cos (Y/N) forced me to eat. No, she didn't force me, but she made sure I had all my meals at work, not just coffee. And usually, at the weekends, we would spend our time together, and she was a fantastic cook. So it wasn't an alimentary issue.

I wasn't sleeping well. That wasn't new, but it was getting serious. I wrote and read a lot at night 'cos I couldn't fall asleep until late. I didn't know why. I just couldn't rest. My body ached, and my brain wouldn't sleep. The only nights I could actually get some rest were the ones when (Y/N) stayed with me. It was a blessing when Hotch paired us to share rooms, 'cos I could easily fall asleep when she was around. Her presence soothed me in a way that I didn't understand. Let me put it this way, I know it might sound cheesy, but the beating of her heart set the rhythm for my own, and at night it would bring me peace.

I reached home that night and sighed. I knew I wasn't going to rest easy. (Y/N) wasn't there with me. So I made myself a cup of herbal tea, (Y/N) had a lot of those in my house, and I drank them when I missed her. The smell coming from the cup made me feel like she was close.

How pathetic I had become! But I could only share those thoughts with myself. No one knew I had feelings for her, and I was going to deny it till the end, no matter what had JJ said. I couldn't take that phone call from my mind, and on those sleepless nights, I kept overthinking and overanalyzing everything.

I got into bed with a few books and my cup of herbal tea. I took a look at my cell phone, two new messages.

- "I miss u"

(Y/N) sent, and a warm feeling spread on my chest as I imagined her whispering those words as I read them

- "Breakfast tomorrow before work?"

- "See you at seven-thirty."

I typed and sent it.

What could ever happen if I told her how much in love I am with her? I would lose her, and I'd be alone. She didn't feel that way for me. It was a fact. I was just glad she was my best friend, and I could share everything with her. Was I pathetic? Yes, very, but in a way, it felt it was just all I deserved. Not more, not less. Just being in love with a girl who didn't love me back.

At least she wasn't dating Paul anymore. I hated that guy.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Spencer was waiting for me outside our usual coffee shop, already holding two cups of coffee. His short hair looked dreamy as she smiled and took off his sunglasses. It had to be illegal being that hot. But, seriously, how didn't he get laid? He was fucking dreamy. In the four years we had been best friends, I saw Spencer in many hairstyles, and each of them made him look like a model.

Falling in love with Spencer Reid had been a process I hadn't actually been fully aware of. But I was completely conscious I needed to hide those feelings from him and from everybody at the BAU.

Ok, fine, I had somehow faced part of those feelings in front of my drunk best buddies at Penelope's house, but I never actually confirmed anything. I had just... shared some of my frustrations, I guess.

- "Good morning, honey bunny,"- I smiled and sighed as I stood in front of Spencer, watching him grin back at me and hand me one of the coffee cups.

- "Good morning, chipmunk. Did you get some rest?"

- "Yes, I fell asleep as soon as I reached my bed. I was exhausted."

- "I'm glad you are fully rested."

- "What did you do yesterday?"

- "Nothing,"- he answered quickly and turned around- "I got you a carrot muffin to go."

- "Thank you so much. I'm starving. I didn't even have dinner yesterday."

- "Really?"

- "I told you, I reached home and crawled into my bed."

We walked outside the coffee shop in silence. Spencer bit his donuts, and I ate my muffin. It was nice and calming being with him doing domestic things in life.

I hated how much in love I was with him 'cos I knew I had to shake that feeling away. He was never going to have feelings for me. I was a regular human being, and Spencer Walter Reid was a genius. He deserved better, he was actually never to think about me that way, and I refused to ruin our friendship with those feelings.

- "So, Comic-con is coming. What are we doing this year?"- I asked as I drove us to Quantico.

- "I was thinking we should do something classic,"- he looked at me, nearly beaming on his seat- "We haven't done Star Wars yet."

- "Really?"- I frowned, confused- "All these years? Are you sure?"

- "(Y/N), eidetic memory,"- he argued, and I chuckled- "So, how do you feel about Leia?"

- "Do I have to be Leia 'cos I'm a girl?"- I asked him, and he flustered right away.

- "What? No, you can be whoever you want to be. I was just, it came to my mind... I didn't,"- I giggled and looked at him for a second.

- "I'm messing with you, Batsy. I always wanted to dress as Leia. Surprisingly, I never had. Padme once, it was a mess, but never Leia. Who are you planning to be?"

- "Maybe Luke... or Obi-Wan. Morgan suggested C3PO once."

- "If I'm Leia, you should be Han,"- I don't know why I said that out loud. I thought about it, I pictured it in my head, but I knew I shouldn't have said it. Then why did those words leave my mouth? I don't know.

- "Han Solo... yes... yeah, sure. Of course! We can pick our outfits this weekend."

- "Great! What do you think would look better? Slave Leia or classic all in white Leia?"- Spencer didn't answer. He just sipped his coffee and looked outside the window.

- "You would look good in both,"- his cellphone interrupted our conversations, and I thought it might be a case. But I was so wrong, it hurt.

- "Hello? Oh, hi, Ashley,"- I nearly hit the break as soon as I heard him saying her name, but instead, I turned around and looked at him.

- "Good, yes. On my way to work with (Y/N). Oh, that's good."

I didn't care what she was saying. I just needed to know why that bitch was calling him. I was blind in jealousy, and I was having a hard time hiding it.

- "Really? Emily? That's... that's great. Sure, we'll see you around, gotta go. Bye."

- "What the fuck?"- I swear, I didn't think what I was saying. Those words just slip through my lips straight from my guts. I hated Seaver.

- "That was Ashley."

- "Figured when you said "Hi Ashley." What? Are you best friends with her now?"

- "What? No! No way! She just wanted to say hi... and... She.... asked for my number 'cos she wanted to help her with some of the academy's projects,"- Spencer was so nervous he actually stuttered as he answered my simple question.

- "Of course, she did,"- my voice was bitter and hurt, but most of all, ironic. And I don't know if Spencer didn't want to understand me or actually didn't get the hint, but he just continued talking.

- "She wanted to tell me she requested her remedial training be at the BAU."

- "What?!"- that wasn't subtle. I actually yelled- "I'm gonna have to see her again?"

- "If Hotch approves..."

- "Fuck!! That's awful!!"- I hit the wheel, frustrated.

- "She's not a bad person, (Y/N). Her dad was a murderer, but that doesn't mean..."- I turned to look at Spencer for a second, and he just shut up- "Sorry."

- "I don't like her, Spencer."

- "Yes, I know."

- "Her dad killed my aunt!!"

- "I know..."

- "And on top of that, that bitch is..."

I had to bite my lips and focus on the road, actually holding my breath for a few seconds, just not to open my mouth and ruin it all.

The main reason why I hated Ashley Seaver wasn't just because of what her father had done. That itself was enough to keep her away. But on top of that, she was flirting with Spencer. She wasn't even subtle about it; she was nearly all over him. I saw her! She wanted him, and he had no idea! He was blind to her attention. Unless he liked it. Did he? Shit, I hoped not.

- "She what?"- Spencer whispered, scared of my reaction.

- "She plays the pity card the whole time. Bad things happen to all of us. You don't have to make it who you are, she does, and she expects sympathy."

I grabbed my muffin and took a big bite of it. Spencer sighed and stayed quiet for a moment, giving me space to decompress, I think.

- "Did you know the origins of carrot cake are disputed by many countries?"- I looked at Spencer, and he nodded- "Many food historians believe carrot cake originated from the English recipe of carrot puddings, eaten by Europeans in the Middle Ages when sugar and sweeteners were expensive, and many people used carrots as a substitute for sugar."

- "My mom would fight all those historians and convince them she invented it. Her carrot cake is the best."

- "And I would agree, the cake she baked for your last birthday was amazing."- I nodded and heard him chuckle as I kept my eyes on the road. I wanted to focus on the memories of my last birthday and how fun it was, but something was bugging me.

- "And why did she call you to tell you what she wanted to do?"- I parked the car outside the BAU and turned to Spencer. He opened his mouth, but no word came from it. So I asked him again.

- "Honey, why did Seaver call you to announce she would take the remedial training at the BAU?"

- "It... might... had been my idea,"- he whispered and held his satchel tight against his body. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe it.

- "Why on earth did you do that, Spencer?!"- I shouted as I got out of the car, grabbed my purse, my clean go bag in case we had a case, and started walking towards the building.

- "It wasn't like a suggestion. She just..."

- "I can't believe it!!"

- "It doesn't have to be that bad! It's just for a few weeks..."

- "Hopefully, Hotch won't accept."

- "(Y/N), come on,"- Spencer held my hand and stopped me- "This is not like you. Yeah, you don't like her, but you are making it a big deal, and it's not."

- "I'm starting to think you are crushed on her,"- I didn't want to say those words. They just slipped.

- "What!? Why? No!! I'm not!"- the high pitch on Spencer's voice was a clear sign of how uncomfortable he was with the conversation.

- "Then why are you defending her?"

- "I am not! I'm just saying maybe you are acting a little bit... irrational about this whole thing. She hasn't done anything bad."

- "Other than jeopardizing the whole case yesterday?"

- "Right, other than that..."

I felt Spencer's hand in mine, and I swear, I couldn't stop thinking about how it felt. It kept sending shivers all over my body. His thumb rubbed small circles on my skin, probably trying to calm me down, and it worked. I followed it with my eyes for a second as I took a few deep breaths and nodded.

- "Ok, I won't make a big deal if she stays."

- "Thank you."

- "Just... don't ask me to be her friend."

- "You don't have to be her friend."

Spencer stood in front of me and smiled. I swear all I could think of was kissing him. And a part of me felt it was getting harder and harder to resist. He put on his sunglasses and kept his hand in mine for a moment until Penelope's voice took us from our little bubble.

- "Good morning, my wonder babies!! Ready to fight crime?"

I actually didn't know what I was getting into.

Hotch had taken the day off. We were around the one-year anniversary of Haley's death, and according to what Rossi explained to us, Jack wasn't feeling so good. It was said it would be just a day or two, but I had the feeling it might be a couple of weeks. Hotch would always put himself second, but he would do whatever it took to keep him safe when it came to his son.

Morgan had been asked to take a trip to Petersburg Federal Correctional Complex to do a risk assessment on a case, so Spencer, Prentiss, and I were in the bullpen. Garcia was in her office, and Rossi was in a meeting with Strauss. I'd say it was a very calm morning, catching up with all the pending paperwork we had. Spencer had just gotten me a cup of coffee when I heard Seaver's cheerful voice.

- "Hi guys!"- she walked in with a big smile and waved- "How are you?"

Spencer looked at me as we all said our hellos. I could almost read "Please, be nice" written all over his face, and for a moment, I was willing to do as told. I didn't want him to suspect why I was so annoyed by her after all.

- "I talked to Hotch"- Emily smiled at Seaver and moved a chair for her- He signed off your remedial training, and I'll be your training agent. I'll supervise your work. I already told Rossi too, so it's official.

Ashley jumped from her chair and hugged Emily. I rolled my eyes and stared at the file on my desk. I really wasn't ready to deal with her. I wasn't prepared to deal with someone trying to steal Spencer from me.

Ok, Spencer wasn't mine to keep, but we had been inseparable for four years, and I didn't want to lose that. I didn't want to lose him.

I had never been ready to deal with Spencer dating other girls. The few times girls had hit on him had been awful. Once, Morgan took him to a club when we were on a case, 'cos the unsub was picking his victims there, and he taught him how to pick up girls. The bartender ended up giving him her number 'cos my dorky best friend was charming. Derek still remembered that moment from time to time, quoting it as "The day he turned Spencer into a man."

I loved Derek, but fuck, I hated him sometimes.

- "Welcome to the team,"- Spencer waved at Seaver from his desk and turned to me, raising an eyebrow.

- "Yeah, welcome,"- I added and cut her a short smile.

- "I'm thrilled to join you guys for a few weeks. I always dreamt of being here. I'm ready for making it up after the last case."

- "Don't be so hard on yourself,"- Prentiss interrupted her and smiled friendly- "You remained calm under pressure, and the case was solved. That's all that matters."

I had to control myself not to snort after Emily's words. Instead, I kept my eyes locked on my desk like I had done before. I was so focused on it that I could have actually developed telekinesis skills and moved the freaking file with my eyes.

- "I just wanted to say thank you to all of you,"- Seaver's voice was soft, in a mix of fear, excitement, and... something else I couldn't read.

- "Especially you, Spencer. I really enjoyed our talk last night, and I have the feeling I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Thank you for the pizza. I owe you dinner."

- "Don't, it was nothing,"- Spencer flustered and stood up quickly, grabbing his pile of files and walking away, arguing he needed to ask Garcia something.

I did my best not to move a muscle. I didn't want Seaver to know how much I hated the fact she had shared what seemed to be a lovely evening with Spencer. One he didn't actually mention when we talked about what we had done the previous evening. Why did he decide to keep me in the dark? I couldn't understand that. Maybe he just didn't want me to know he actually had feelings for Seaver. Maybe he had asked her out, and because he knew I hated her (though he really didn't know why), he decided not to tell me what was going on.

I had been wasting all that time in love with Spencer. I knew I would never act on those feelings, and clearly, he didn't have feelings for me. So... maybe it was time to let him go.

How could I let Spencer Reid go when I never actually had him?

–

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @muffin-cup @shilohpug @eternalharry @tvandfanfic @fandomtrash2405

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @babebenhardy @meowiemari @archer561

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: June 16th, 2021

#spencer reid #Criminal minds #matthew gray gubler #diwk #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x you #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds re write