#how am i supposed to call myself a slav... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thereisonlyoneoption · 4 years

Text

Maggie Stiefvater~Rant YA edition pt.2

I know, I know that I had to make a part about world-building but I’m pissed, I failed my exam I am at my friend house and it’s Fourth of July so I must do this.

Joseph Kavinsky.

First of all I don’t condemn his actions and yes, you can like a character but don’t agree with their actions.

My journey with The Dream Thieves was rocky, like really rocky. It was worse than The Raven Boys, I felt psychical pain while reading this one but there was only one good thing that help get through it AND IT WAS KAVINSKY.

From the first scene I liked him, I was intrigued by him and I was curious why Gangsey hates him so much. I mean what M*ggie give us are just rumours, that's when I asked myself “Why such a hate? What did he do to them?”.

And then the yo mama jokes, priceless by the way. Okay, maybe my sense humour sucks but let me tell you in polish translation “twoja stara” is golden I laughed for several minutes.

But the thing went down pretty quickly, like my face went from a happy to grim in a second and stayed that way while reading this, just to cry at the end. After that it was just anger and to this day I’m angry at M*ggie for what she did.

Lets start from beginning.

1. Kavinsky-Description

The first time we see Kavinsky it’s in the chapter 3 where we got rumours about him:

“Of course it was Joseph Kavinsky, fellow Aglionby Academy student and Henrietta’s most notorious recreational forger. Kavinsky’s infamous Mitsubishi Evo was a thing of boyish beauty, moon-white with a voracious black mouth of a grille and an immense splattered graphic of a knife on either side of the body. The Mitsubishi had just been released from a month-long stint in the police impound. The judge had told him that if he was caught racing again, they’d crush the Mitsubishi and make him watch, like they did to the rich punks’ street racers out in California. Rumor had it Kavinsky had laughed and told the judge he’d never get pulled over again. He probably wouldn’t. Rumor had it Kavinsky’s father had bought off Henrietta’s sheriff. To celebrate the Mitsubishi’s release from impound, Kavinsky had just put three coats of anti-laser paint on the headlights and bought himself a new radar detector.“

Right from the bat, characters expressed disdain of him:

“I hate that prick,” Adam said.

Then we get the “description” of him: white sunglasses, golden chain, which already is kinda lacking but then we get the infamous “refugee face”

“He had a refugee’s face, hollow-eyed and innocent.“

Okay okay, so like it wasn't already offensive, we learn later that he’s Bulgarian and as a person also from Slavic group, this description just looks bad and leaves bad taste in my mouth, because I'm fed up with Americans view of Slavs like we are all simple people, still in communist era somewhere in the Europe, who came to America to steal low income jobs.

On the other hand, how does “refugee face” looks like? Yeah, we get the line “hollow-eyed and innocent“ but it still feels offensive to Slavic group.

Luckily, in my translation it was changed to “runaway’s face” which holds the same idea but it isn't offensive and fits Kavinsky’s character better.

“There was nothing about Kavinsky that wasn’t despicable”

Just... ugh why they hate him so much, I asked myself back then but I didn't know that from this point, all went down hill.

“He was unmistakable: the sort of raven boy who was clearly an import from elsewhere.“

Okay first of all, you can import things, not actual people Blue. Second of all, combining this with “refugee face” it made me so angry like M*ggie, why can’t you describe Kavinsky normally without possibly offending half of Europe. He is human, not your new brand German car.

After that we get the rest of description “Like many of the other raven boys, he sported massive sunglasses, spiked hair, a small earring, a chain around his neck, and a white tank top.“ and that’s it. It’s all we get. There might be some things missing, like hair colour but we can forgive that.

2. Backstory

In M*ggie’s now deleted tumblr, she once wrote:

"Kavinsky has a very logical backstory that leads him to this place.”

And what did we know about Kavinsky? Practically, nothing. He’s a son of a Bulgarian mobster from New Jersey, he’s rumoured to kill his father, he’s mother is a drug-addict, he’s rich, Prokopenko is his favourite forgery and he got away with replacing him and possibly his dad. It gives the idea to what shaped him as a person but it doesn’t explained everything, like if he killed his dad, why wasn’t it? How did it ended up with him replacing Prokopenko? Why he is his favourite forgery?

But okay M*ggie say what you want but I and my friend made better backstory for him in ten minutes (like it wasn’t hard really).

3. ”We matter”

“Closing his eyes, Gansey leaned his head back on his seat, chin tilted up, throat green in the dash lights. There was still an unsafe sort of smile about his mouth — what a torment the possibility in that smile was — and he said, “There was never a time when that could’ve been you and me. You know the difference between us and Kavinsky? We matter.“

That said Gansey, the character we are supposed to like, about the kid who is not only his age but also drug addicted and possibly abused. I was furious at him for saying that because who k*rwa he is to say things like that. Is he some frigging higher being to judge someone like that?

And he was smiling while saying that? What an.. and nobody called him out on that?! It only gives the reader the idea that people like Kavinsky don’t matter and to those who relate to him that they don’t matter.

And Blue, who again made me want to throw my phone, later in the book asked literal a hitman, who offered to go to “talk” with him to “make him feel worthless” while doing it.

It’s the next example when I felt the main characters are lacking a basic human empathy, like again he is just a kid not “H*tler” like Ronan compare him to.

4. That scene

That f*king scene, we all know about.”R*pe of Ronan” as stans like to call it.

I heard the reaction of the fans to this scene even before reading this books. Of course, I was anticipating this scene and when it came:

“After a moment, he heard the hood groan as Kavinsky leaned over him. Then he felt the ridged callus of a finger drag slowly over the skin on his back. A slow arc between his shoulder blades, drawing the pattern of his tattoo. Then sliding down his spine, tensing every muscle it moved over.

But when his eyes slitted, battling sleep, Kavinsky was just doing another line of coke off the roof, body stretched over the windshield. He might have imagined it. What was real?“

I was baffled, because its bad but its nothing like fans making to be. All Kavinsky does is drag his finger on Ronan’s back tattoo, while he is falling asleep but afterwards Ronan said he doesn’t know, if it was even real, so the reader can’t tell if it was. Somebody would argue, that is a molestation but once again, we don’t know if it was real. Maybe if we got K’s PoV we could get information about this situation but now we are left in the dark what really happened that night.

And then, there is “Consent is overrated” scene

This is one of the main argument of stans preaching that K is a r*pist. Yes, that sounds horrible, we don’t have to argue about that but people missed the context of situation in which it was said.

“Ronan replied, “Not such a thief tonight.”

“Some nights,” Kavinsky said, all teeth, “you just take it. Consent is overrated.”“

Ronan and Kavinsky are referring to pulling things out of dreams and how Kavinsky is doing it aka not asking permission to take them out, unlike Ronan. But without this context, the world “consent” is mainly associated with one thing. You know what...

The bottom line is that, if we got K’s PoV, it would shine a light on his intentions and motivations to say and possibly do all of this. We can only thanks the author for that.

5. Relationship with Ronan Lynch

Maybe that will sound scandalous but I don’t think Kavinsky loved Ronan. All of their interaction seem more like obsession to me and after the dreaming of Camaro, it seem desperate.

At the beginning, after main characters expressed disdain of K, only Ronan thought something different:

“Ronan knew he ought to hate him, too.“

And I thought “Okay maybe Ronan know more about him than the rest” but as the chapters went, I wanted the end of it all.

It was toxic. I know, I know but I was hoping for a least little glimpses of possible friendship. Instead of that, I got throwing over cars, punching and exploitation between them. With Kavinsky saving Ronan from the night horror (which fans forget about in their rants how bad K is) and helping Ronan dreaming a new Camaro, I expect at least some decency? gratefulness?? at Ronan side, because nobody forced Kavinsky to do this but when Ronan got what he wanted he just peace out?! Like Kavinsky was doing all of this as a favour?

“He rolled down the window. “I’m going.” For a moment, Kavinsky’s face was perfectly blank, and then Kavinsky flickered back onto it. He said, “You’re shitting me.” “I’ll send flowers.” Ronan revved the engine. Exhaust and dust swirled in a wild torment behind the Camaro. It coughed at twenty-eight-hundred rpm. Just like the Pig. Everything was back the way it was. “Running back to your master?” “This was fun,” Ronan said. “Time for big-boy games now, though.”

And

““I never lie,” Ronan said. He frowned disbelievingly. This felt like a more bizarre scenario than anything that had happened to this point. “Wait. You thought — it was never gonna be you and me. Is that what you thought?”“

And what was Kavinsky’s reaction after he was “used” by Ronan without even a thank you?

“Kavinsky made a gun of his thumb and finger and put it to Ronan’s temple. “Bang,” he said softly, withdrawing the fake gun. “See you on the streets.”“

Not anger but disbelief about what just happened and then the “he said softly“ just seems sad to me. He got used by the man he, de facto, wanted to befriend. He for sure felt cheated and used but the next thing what he does seems just OOC for me. He kidnapped Matthew, Ronan’s younger brother, to force him to come to the Fourth of July party. Before it looked like he wanted Ronan just to have a fun but after the Camaro something broke in him. But once again, it only my interpretation, because K is the only TRC antagonist that doesn’t get PoV, so I can wonder, what was going on in his head.

I’m tired of this, because most of the things could be explained, if we got his PoV, because without it his actions seems random.

After the text “bring something fun to fourth of july or we’ll see which pill works the best on your brother“, Ronan called K demanding where is Matthew and K responded:

“Ronan demanded, “Where is he?” “You know, I asked nice the first few times. Are you coming to Fourth? Are you coming? Are you coming? Here, have a motherfucking car. Are you coming? You made it ugly. Bring something impressive tonight.”“

It doesn’t sounds that evil to me more like desperate (repetition of “are you coming”) and hurting (”you made it ugly”). It made me feel more curious about what was going in his head and what lead him to kidnapping more than being angry at him for kidnapping Matthew.

Kavinsky was looking someone like Ronan, to share problems and to destroy themselves together. And Ronan was the closest thing to it, dreamer and all. He was looking for connection but in the end, Ronan didn’t want anything to do with him and that ended in tragedy.

6. Fourth of July

Ah yes, the main reason why I’m writing this post. We know how this goes. Gangsey arrives at party. Ronan demands where is his brother. Ronan follow K into a dream.

"Kavinsky laughed the word. "Reality! Reality's what other people dream for you."

"Reality's where other people are," Ronan replied. He stretched out his arms. "What's here, K? Nothing! No one!"

"Just us."

There was a heavy understanding in that statement, amplified by the dream. I know what you are, Kavinsky had said. "That's not enough," Ronan replied."

One again K got rejected and it was told to him he "wasn't enough" Okay, Ronan doesn't own him anything but what happened next is more fucked up

Kavinsky dreams fire dragon, Ronan night horror. They fight. Gangsey search for Matthew.

Ronan demands K to tell him where is Matthew and K just said “He’s all yours! You missed my point, man. All I wanted was this —”“ while gesturing at their creations and ONCE AGAIN I REPEAT ONCE AGAIN we are not sure what K meant: dreaming together? fighting? One chapter from his PoV couldn’t hurt Maggie you know?

Matthew got rescued, Ronan shielded him from upcoming dragon then this:

"He shouted to Kavinsky, ”Get down!”

But Kavinsky didn’t look away from the creatures. He said,”The world’s a nightmare”.

Ronan once again shouted to him but Kavinsky didn’t answered and let the dragon to kill him.

“A second later, the fire dragon exploded into Kavinsky. It went straight through him, around him, flame around an object. Kavinsky fell. Not as if he was struck, though. Just like when he’d taken the green pill. He crumpled to his knees and then slumped gracelessly off the car.“

And we know K is dead, because both the dragon and Prokopenko fall asleep.

And that’s all and what was all for? Because they thought he was draining the ley lines (but Adam fixing the lines seems to do the trick) and because Ronan didn't want to come to Fourth of July. After that comes nothing. No reaction from the cast and the dream pack who supposedly were his friends (In later book Jiang talks to Ronan like nothing happened) there is no funeral of which we know and the town is silent. Like K never existed.

What kind of message this sends to a reader? That if you are like Kavinsky in any way nobody will mind if you are gone. You are not even worthless to remember. On one podcast M*ggie said she don’t want to be educational in her books and that’s f*cked up because she is writing YA, young people who are easily influenced and after reading how K is treated the majority will close the book with belief that people like K don’t deserve help and they are goners not worthy of redemption.

While in the same book Gray Man, adult hitman who killed people on pages, was hunting down Ronan, relieved to be murderer behind a Niall's death, beat up and threaten Declan with a gun to tell him where the Greywaren was not only forgiven by everyone (including Ronan) but got redemption arc and love interest. Let me repeat adult man, literal a hitman gets redemption arc but not mentally ill kid. Okay Margaret what the f*ck was that. Where is the logic, where is the lamb sauce?! Does she knows how her writing can influence young people? And it seems most of the fans agree with her.

Conclusion

Joseph Kavinsky was handled terribly through the whole book. With main cast hating him from the get-go. Narration that tried to make him the great evil (with some fans of TRC calling him the worst villain) and after the book got published the fans and the author themself further demonised him, 17 year old boy with a drug addiction, mental illness and with possible history of abuse.

I can only shake my head every time, I see someone calling him the devil. What Kavisnky needed was rehab and therapy, not death! If she wanted to find solution to stop him from dreaming, why couldn't she just moved him outside of Henrietta or Virginia, not lead him to commit s*icide and public s*icide mind you. He was a bad person but nobody deserved to die like this.

To end this post (I wrote this post so long that in my country is no longer Fourth of July), I still to this day think about Kavinsky and what would happened, if the author didn't choose the easy way to "get rid of him". And do not tell me, it was impossible to end it differently, because it was possible. Ronan just grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him off the car. Sending him to a rehab or just talking with him, instead of assuming from the start, that he wouldn't listen. His only crimes were, he needed help and he wouldn't listen to Gangsey telling him what to do.

#anti maggie stiefvater #joseph kavinsky #anti the raven cycle #anti trc #he deserved better

123 notes · View notes

whitetickle-sl · 3 years

Text

slur/slər/

Learn to pronounce

verb

1.speak (words or speech) indistinctly so that the sounds run into one another."he was slurring his words like a drunk"Similar:mumblespeak unclearlygarblestumble overstammermisarticulateOpposite:enunciate

2.MUSICperform (a group of two or more notes) legato."I can play it if I don't slur the notes"

noun

1.an insinuation or allegation about someone that is likely to insult them or damage their reputation."the comments were a slur on the staff"Similar:insultslightslanderslanderous statementlibellibelous statementmisrepresentationdefamationaspersioncalumnysmearallegationimputationinsinuationinnuendo

2.an act of speaking indistinctly so that sounds or words run into one another or a tendency to speak in such a way."there was a mean slur in his voice"

So I’ve gotten in trouble for daring to mention the N word when asking about a black girl who commanded her white sub to call her by the N word that ends with the letter A. which is a variant of the one that ends with er. So I’m bring in some facts for everyone. and I’ll merely link t o the dictionary description for the original down below.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negro

Here is the vidio with a Black girl tickling a White Girl as her lee. She was basicly upset wit the White girl. Now the black girl treated the N word like it’s some kind of badge of honor and wanted the White girl to call her that. Apparently I’m atacked for trying to even dare say the word. I can understand callingsomeone that being bad but now it’s like we’re treating the word like Voldimort, he who should not be named.......I just now discovered the video has been taken down. Well just great. just when I had an example it’s taken down. Whatever it was Black girl dominating a white girl being mad at her about something. Now the white girl did get cheeky and call her the B word which got her tickled worse, that’s what you get when you insult your ler and I think she deserved that.

But with the info I have atleast provided you all, with while slur can be an insult it’s usualy running a word together. The Origanal term meant Dark Skinned. Nothing degrading there, the more infamous one came from the portigese and spanish and apparently became more used instead as a means of respect....I don’t know who they were trying to respect because obviosly no one feels respected being called that, even though it literaly just means the same thing. Guess I will have to look deeper into the history of this. Because so far now, We got the classic neatral which I think we need to just need to push for making it neutral, because I feel it’s only an insult because it became bastardized over time which is the second more commonly recongised reaction, then there’s being an honory black where only blacks get to use it and your only allowed to use it if your given the blessing of the black community. That’s like me saying you can’t call me white because of what the Barbary pirates did. Ok it’s more understandable with the word slave I guess because that’s literaly a slur for Slav who used to be slaves to the Ottomons and other people once upon a time and before that term became world wide there was other words for a slave. Slasve is a very modern term and meant different things in history and so there are even translations that even kind of miss us the word. Trying understand what people meant when making the recordings helps us to retranslate what they truely meant. and then you got the 4th use of the N word which apparently has the word promoted to a master role?

So how does the N word work as a neutral term for Blacks, an insult one instance, a friend or equal the next instance and master and superior in the next?! How can I call you a master with an insult or Insult you with a compliment? and then don’t get me started on the new white rule that whites can’t even utter the word from their lips even if they aren’t calling anyone or referring to anyone by the word.... Just Grade stupidity right there. I understand it has it’s awful history and I’m not trying to make light of it, rather I simply want to just de bastardized a word that was once common and once had no insulting meaning. If you remove the sting of a word it no longer has power over you. Now it seems it’s become an entitled word. You know what I call it? I confusing word! There is literally no other word that bounces back and forth between insult and compliment and neutral, and permitted and tabooed without warning or control than the N word/ The N word is utterly chaotic and disruptive and it’s being used to create even more division now not simply as an insult but as a taboo word! There are alot of taboo words but you literally have one right here that is upsetting to not only culture but even language itself!

You know what I think? 2 wrongs don’t make a right and a word that only one race can use and just easily change it’s meaning like that is not justified. It doesn’t heal the wounds of the past. I hate that I am having to address this word again, just one post is all I should ever have to post and I have a right to make such posts. I have a right to address the issue.

So why am I talking about it again? Well since I was accused of using a slur in the other post rather than continue to deny it I recalled what a slur is supposed to be in the first place. That’s why I went on Google and posted the definition in this post. As you can see the term slur while can be involved in insulting someone it seems to be more involved with words mashing together or being said wrong. I won’t bother saying the original word and it’s many different slurred terms, I’ll just mention that you got versions that end in O, er and a. Now given that the word technical has been said differently over time and there’s both not only a negative slur but even a slur that’s treated more positively it’ technically is a slurr. So yeah I guess by that Logic I still used a Slur. fine caught me red handed. HOWEVER. What makes the word evil is when it’s used as an insult and I didn’t. However Telling me I can’t even adress the issue behind the word that I can’t even say neutrally IS JUST AS EVIL Because 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Here I am trying to resolve a problem and people are atacking me for daring to use the word. Well a broken clock can ring once or twice correctly a day but just because you could argue that I was using a slur doesn’t make you right about me. Because I think it would of made more since to atack me for using the word to insult someone. However I didn’t use the word to refer to anyone let alone black people in general. I was talking about a black girl but she was calling herself that AND WANTING A WHITE GIRL TO CALL HER THAT. Yet I didn’t call her that but I did repeat what she said. That’s not the same thing though. Now if Anyone of the Black community was in fact insulted by that post if you saw it, then I’m SORRY IF IT PUT A BAD TASTE in your mouth but please know I wasn’t trying to put anyone down. I was just curios about the Black girl’s use of the word. Her use of the word confuses me and I think it helps fix the problem to address it and negotiate about it rather than lay down some segregationally rule. Because that rule is Hypocritical and it will domino effect into something as evil as what happened in the past. You can’t right a wrong with another wrong and ignorance and taboos don’t fix anything. So I don’t apologies for speaking my mind but I do want people to know I do care about your feelings but sometimes I can’t make promises. and it’s not fair to me if I can’t express my own concerns and curiosity because I have to worry about walking on egg shells.

To be honest I didn’t even like addressing the word in that post but I’m not going to delete it either. That would seem like surrendering to a stereotype of who I am and what haters want to make of me plus it would seem cowardly. I made my bed and so I will sleep in it. I knew the point I was trying to make, and I knew I didn’t mean no ill intent. Plus if I get rid of it I have nothing to show myself why stuff happened in the first place. So I will be keeping that post around, both because people actually like it looks like and for me it’s a teaching platform. Someone tried to trip me up and I’ve made mistakes of erasing posts before and it never helps in big arguments. So deleting posts won’t solve anything if you know for a fact what you meant. If anything the hater’s arguments actually kind of help this case even more and only prove just how big a deal this actually is. It also seems to teach me just because people attack you doesn’t mean you throw in the towel, doesn’t mean you just get mad and scream back at them either. I mean I’m still expressing my emotion on the issue but I’m also bothering to looks stuff up so I can reproach the argument. The thing is their arguement is the word is a slur so I shouldn’t say it. No that’s a terrible excuse, because slurr just means to say a word wrong and say it as a different word. So now I’m challenging not even the meaning of the N word but the meaning of the Word Slur. Thank goodness I can at least say SLUR ^^ that’s how much a headache this is I can’t even say the other word it’s so maddening! I mean I can say it no one’s really stopping me from saying the N word...I just don’t want to say it! Yes I would get harrassed for saying it in another post but the thing is I’m gonna be harrased anyways so it makes no big differance. But anyways just because it’s a slur does that realy make it bad when a slur is technically just a mispronounced word? and when I’m just talking about the word and it’s history about how it used to be neutral back when it wasn’t controversial does it even count as an insult then? like if you were tak about the word cracker and how people come to use that in reference to white people but your not constantly using it to deliberately speak negatively of white people then is it an insult then? Not only that but by this definition is even Cracker realy a slur? It’s being missused but is that a slur? I suppose you could argue that a slur is a word used to speak negativly of a a person but that’s only if you are doing that directly. In otherwords it would directly mean an direct insult. But when I used it I wasn’t being direct so it doesn’t count. So If I was talking about the term cracker well I’m intentionally referring to whites as such just on how they are refered to as such by certain people. But if I’m not using it directly as the word for them and not contently calling them that, then I’m not using a direct insult. A controversial word maybe but not a direct insult. and since Cracker isn’t a miss pronunciation of another word, it’s not a slur in that since either. The original N word is not a slur because it’s not misspronounced it simply has bad press. and until it becomes more excepted as neutral again I will keep to my promise that I will not be using it again in future posts..if I can help it. The original word is technically viewable by the link much to my discomfort but I will not take responsibility for the word being uncencored by links. Now Gigmig technical is a slur since it’s mispronounced version of Giggle Milkee as I merged the 2 words together. However Gigmig may be a slur but it’s not controversal. hehe well I mean the topic is controversial to hates I suppose but not the the Gigmigs themselves. To be honest though I invented the term Giggle Milkee trying to come up with terms for White lee or ticklish White. It doesn’t have to emply to slave, however most of the Giggle Milkees in my band don’t seem to mind the idea of being tickle slaves themselves. Infact it’s rather popular to them. But I do understand not all people are big about that, So that’s why Gigmig actualy has a neutral meaning, by default it means ticklish white person or White lee tickled by other races. It can be used for slaves but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s inherently more neutral in that it can involve concential tickling as well as concential, it can be used towards a perceaved equal or towards someone seen as property. However I don’t see it ever being used to describe a superior in any form. Giggle Milkees are never masters, only equals or less. What do you expect their lees when is the lee ever the one in control? when your the one being tickled your either putting your trust in the tickler or your at their mercy.

Anyways guys I hope to never have to address the N word again I realy hate that topic, but I’m also stubborn ;p and not ashamed. But I would appreciate other people tackling this issue more from my perspective and helping in the cause to weaken the the power the N word has so all sides can be free. As for me I just want to move on and have fun with my fellow Gigmigs and fun with future grabber friends or future Grabber masters~ Also to would be Grabbers I am trying to find a word for ticklers of whites who are white. Grabbers technically emply you capture people and that’s the only thing bothering me realy. Some suggest new term words for diverse ticklers who tickle whites or anything involving this them would be appreciated. Or just let me know if your ok with the term Grabber and how it comes to be used according to lore and what other additional Alternatives you would suggest being used along with the term Grabber or in it’s stead. I got a few ideals myself for giggle Milkees and grabbers but I’ll save those for another post. I’m getting tired this note is to long as is and I just to move on.

Please share if you like and support this Post ^^ and yes I do appreciat hearing people’s concerns, just watch about dictating me on what to do.

1 note · View note

i-dentities · 4 years

Text

[Subject name: Unknown. Begin transcript.]

Oh, Simmons, Simmons, Simmons. You want to talk about Simmons? Okay, I’ll bite. What a useless fucking idiot that man was. I mean, really, he was manipulative and cruel, but he didn’t make a lick of sense half the time. All bravado, you know?

[DSO Agent Inverness: But he was worth the effort of having him infected in Tatchi?]

Well, of course. We had a… complicated history. He made me what I am. He just never expected I’d be smarter and crueller than him.

[Agent Inverness: What do you mean, he made you what you are? When did you meet?]

[BSAA representative Jacobs: This is useless. Make her tell us where the Neo-Umbrella bases are.]

[Agent Inverness: We need to know the extent of Simmons’ involvement and the effect on the American government.]

[SSA Forster: Answer the question, Ms. Wong, and we’ll get you some water.]

[Subject looks up at the speaker, then into the camera on the wall.]

Is that my FBI profiler? Boy, I’ve got the whole menagerie, Special Supervisory Agent Randall Forster.

[SSA Forster: You’re not intimidating us, Ms. Wong. Start from the beginning.]

Oh, I’m not going to start from the beginning. You’d just pity me, and none of us want that. [Laughs.] I’ll start from the beginning with Derek, though. Let’s see.

You wanted to know about his, well, insidious effect on the American government? I suppose that’s where it starts. I was eighteen and he was twenty-five when he hired me to take care of General John Harrison. Romantic, isn’t it? I guess you all never tested for belladonna. [Note: Exhumation ordered immediately after this statement confirms presence of atropine and hyoscyamine in hair samples.] I must’ve been pretty good, because after that I was his go-to weapon for getting people out of his way, and he told me all about his big ideas. A world of chaos. You know the spiel.

[Agent Inverness: Why didn’t you tell anyone about this? Why did you go along with it?]

Ever listen to the song Sixteen Going On Seventeen from The Sound Of Music? You’ll have to get the full prognosis from Randall.

[Agent Inverness: So your relationship was intimate in nature?]

Is nothing private?

[Ms. Jacobs: You’re clearly showing signs of dehydration and exhaustion, Ms. Wong. We both know this act is getting you nowhere.]

Fine, I’ll sing for my supper. He considered himself in love with me and believed that I was or should be in love with him, and he was pretty damn convincing.

[SSA Forster: Did you perceive it differently?]

Oh, I believed everything he told me. I would’ve done anything to make him proud, back then. Can I get back to the story?

[Agent Inverness: Go on.]

So, he had his plans and his power, and I had my skills and my smarts, and we were - really - the perfect team. At least, that’s what he said. I brought him samples of various bioweapon agents over the years, to--

[Ms. Jacobs: Which bioweapons?]

To make the C-virus and develop reliable options, I was about to say. You really love interrupting me. It was… G-Virus, Raccoon City, 1998. t-Veronica, Sacred Snakes, 2002. The Dominant plaga, Eastern Slav Republic, 2011. I’m sure there were others.

I was personally involved with the development of the C-virus. If I may, I’ve been considered something of a prodigy. Derek always told me I was the only woman smart enough to keep up with him, whatever that’s worth, and I worked as a virologist at Umbrella in 1997. I mean, I’m sure you know all about my research for Neo-Umbrella. Marhawa, Edonia, even Tatchi… Field experiments.

And, of course, throughout this time I carried out all kinds of covert operations for him. I silenced people who knew too much about him, killed people who had power he wanted for himself, the whole nine yards. Anything to make him proud. Anything to advance his agenda, our agenda. He always told me… what was it? I would sit beside him when he was on his throne.

[SSA Forster: What throne would he have in a world of chaos?]

He was going to bring order to it. Under him. Listen to what I’m telling you; it’s a story. You’re a bad audience.

[Agent Inverness: Okay, where did you get the funding for your work?]

We pooled our funds. I worked hard, ran high-rolling jobs for all kinds of interests. Albert Wesker was one of my primary employers up through his death. Tricell, Umbrella, all kinds of militias, whoever could meet my asking price. I’ve always been pretty well-known in the bioweapons industry. Derek was the reason you didn’t have eyes on me until a couple years ago, he kept me out of reports and all.

When I was getting the Dominant plaga sample from the ESR for him, I posed as a BSAA agent, and in the fallout of the outbreak there I was labelled an international terrorist. I’m sure if you look, you can find his footprint in a few different intelligence databases, removing me. He was always so sloppy. [Evidence of file corruption in BSAA bioterror database coinciding with the time frame of this allegation has been found.]

For his part… you know he was a rich kid. That was where it started, and when our little operation grew he realized that you Americans really sink all kinds of no-strings-attached taxpayer money into all kinds of undisclosed national security projects.

I guess if you wanted to find something, one of his big sources was what he presented as a counterterror research and development operation. He called it Project Ada-- isn’t that sweet? Anyways, if you really get in the classified files there, my best guess is you’ll find... nothing. It wasn’t off the record, it was just Neo-Umbrella, and you gave us millions. [Existence of an US-STRATCOM undertaking codenamed PROJECT ADA from 1999-2009 has been confirmed; no evidence as to its function.]

Of course, I outgrew him eventually. Like I said, he made me even better than he was, and when I realized the monster he’d turned me into… [Laughs.] Well, I’m petty. I wanted to make him into a monster too.

[Ms. Jacobs: Why didn’t you turn him in?]

Would’ve been my word against his. Besides, then my plans would be ruined. Global infection, you know.

[Ms. Jacobs: So they were your plans?]

He’d given them to me. [Shifting.] What part of this doesn’t click for you, really? I’m exactly what he made me into. I know that. Tall Oaks… Tatchi… HAOS… that’s what I was made to do.

[Agent Inverness: So you orchestrated the assassination of President Benford?]

As much as I wish I could take credit for that, you’ve made it clear I have to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth just to get a glass of fucking water around here, so no. It’s confusing, I know. How do you want me to go through 2012-2013? In chronological order, or by topic?

[Agent Inverness: In order.]

Alright, but don’t blame me if you get lost.

Okay, so I’d outgrown him, right? But he didn’t know that yet. Without his knowledge, I expanded Neo-Umbrella’s operations and started developing HAOS. Then in December, he ordered me to go to Edonia to ensure the US government successfully acquired Muller. I should have the mission briefing in my personal files in the facility you raided. [A partially damaged film reel was discovered matching this description.]

[Agent Inverness: But you didn’t. You abducted Albert Wesker’s son and performed unethical experiments on him for six months.]

Would you have done any differently?

[No response.]

We both know you wouldn’t. He’d still be in your custody if you got your hands on him, just like this except the only crime he committed against you was having a father. How old was Sherry Birkin when you put her in Simmons’ custody? Twelve? How old was she when you stopped experimenting on her?

You’re just like me- no, you are- only you make the antidotes and I make the poisons, and with all your resources and human guinea pigs you’re still always one step behind. Is it worth it? Are you proud?

[Break in recording here.]

--so no, he wasn’t involved with the development of the enhanced strain. [Coughs.] Christ. Still no [Recording corrupted.] He was pretty mad when he found out about it in Tatchi-- the enhancement made it harder for him to control, but that’s later. Where were we?

[Ms. Jacobs: What about Captain Redfield’s team? Was that part of your ‘field experiment’?]

[Laughs] No, that was for fun. Bunch of rats in a cage, you just wanna mess with ‘em.

[Coughing and sounds of motion.]

Oh, come on, let’s not- hey, hey, hey, let’s not do this again. Am I in trouble for telling the truth, now? You asked, hey, why don’t you pick on someone your own size? Jesus. I’m delicate, you know. Fragile contents. I’m just answering your question.

I pretended to be a damsel in distress so I’d get escorted through a dangerous area, I do it all the time. I did it in Raccoon City. Just didn’t let them all go that time. Anyways, I didn’t like Edonia. All I got was an annoying kid. Can we move on?

[Agent Inverness: Is Tall Oaks more fun for you? You said that was Simmons’ work.]

Simmons’ show, my handiwork. It was my baby that triggered the outbreak. That was the basic C-Virus, of course; he didn’t know about the enhancements I’d developed with Muller’s antibodies.

My understanding of the situation is that Benford was planning to come clean to the public about the sterilization of Raccoon City, take responsibility. [Coughs.] Cute. Derek didn’t want to take responsibility, though; he was the first to call for the sterilization as soon as I’d gotten the G sample. Didn’t want any competition, you know. So he decided to silence the president instead of facing accountability.

[SSA Forster: You said he used your baby to trigger the outbreak. Are you referring to the Lepotica?]

Yes, my baby. They’re all my children; Lepotica, Gnezdo… they come from me.

[Ms. Jacobs: Let’s get back on track.]

[SSA Forster: You mean you developed them?]

I made them of myself. Loved them. Like Ustanak, like HAOS would have been, if your clowns hadn’t killed them. I talk to them, you know. Tell them about the world. They understand me, they listen to me. ‘My hideous creation, go forth and prosper.’ My children. They love me.

[Note from SSA Forster: The subject began to cry openly at this point. Though I’m unconvinced that her crying was authentic, previous autopsies have found traces of the subject’s own mutated DNA in Lepotica and Gnezdo specimens. This has been a subject of speculation, as well as the fact that Neo-Umbrella had samples of her DNA on file, but it seems clear to me now that she developed the strain of C-Virus that created them using her own DNA as a base, believing that it made the resulting Complete Mutations her offspring. This fits with reports of her close relationship with the neutralized human mutation called Ustanak, which she may have created in a similar manner.]

[Ms. Jacobs: Focus on the events of June 2013.]

[Agent Inverness: Take a moment, Ms. Wong. You weren’t in Tall Oaks?]

[Pause. Subject hiccups, then grunts in pain.] No, I was at the Quad Tower in Lanshiang, working. Getting ready for the attack there.

[Agent Inverness: And Simmons didn’t know this was coming?]

No, he was occupied with the whole treason plot. It allowed me to get all the pieces into position without him catching on. Do you need me to walk you through exactly all of the events in Tatchi? Like children? I have to warn you, with so many moving parts there will be holes even in my story-- don’t take it out on me.

[Agent Inverness: That won’t be necessary. We have BSAA communication logs that trace your location throughout the incident, up until your reported death. How did you do it?]

Survive? A magician never tells.

[Ms. Jacobs: Ms. Wong, the sooner you cooperate, the sooner you’ll get to eat. We’re almost done here.]

Fine. What’s for lunch? I’m famished.

[Ms. Jacobs: Answer the question.]

It’s simple, really. I’m sure Redfield and Nivans mentioned the helicopter on the scene. It was mine. I sent a signal, they dropped a body double, I swung away, they picked me up. Your boys didn’t even bother taking the elevator down to examine the body up close, which I was banking on. The BSAA isn’t known for being thorough. Always letting someone else clean up your messes- but I’m sure whoever cleaned up didn’t find a body, because the one I had dropped was infected. It tore a hole in the ship a few minutes later; easy destruction of evidence.

[Agent Inverness: So you just left after that?]

I’d been shot in the chest, I wasn’t fit to do much else without infecting myself, and I’m smarter than that. Simmons was infected, all my plans were in motion. The helicopter took me to a safehouse not far away, where I recovered briefly and then was moved to a different facility.

[Agent Inverness: Where was the safehouse?]

Ugh, really? It was a few miles outside Lanshiang, no one’s using it anymore. I’m sure you already found it. When’s lunch? You people have to actually feed me at some point if you want me to be useful, you know.

[Agent Inverness: Very well, Ms. Wong. Since you’ve been… mostly cooperative--]

I’ve been very nice. You have no idea how much meaner I could have been. In fact, I’m feeling more irritable by the minute and I think it’s because I need medical attention but you’re making me beg for water.

[Agent Inverness: Since you’ve been cooperative, then, I’ll ensure food and water are brought to your cell.]

What a gentleman. In that case, next time I’ll give you the locations of the remaining Neo-Umbrella research facilities. I think I’m free tomorrow if you want to make it soon. [Coughs.] I don’t like to be kept waiting.

Any last questions?

[Agent Inverness: We’re done for now.]

[Ms. Jacobs: Do you miss him?]

Simmons?

[Ms. Jacobs: Yes.]

Endlessly. It’s like he always said. I’m nothing without him.

[Agent Inverness: But… would you commit the attack in Tatchi again if you were able?]

[Pause.]

Without hesitation.

[End of transcript.]

Conclusion- SSA Randall Forster: This interview has raised a number of questions, but answered just as many. Based on those claims we have been able to authenticate with evidence, the story detailed here is the best understanding we have of “Wong”, Simmons, and their crimes. There appears to be absolutely no reason to reopen an investigation into Secret Service Agent Helena Harper, and in fact this interview offers insight into Simmons’ manipulative nature.

In the case of the subject herself, a full psychological profile will take significantly more time, and may wait until the DSO has been able to prove or disprove more of her statements and we have her complete history. Extracting her history before Simmons has become a secondary priority, particularly to find out where she got her training. This is proving extremely difficult; it seems to me that this comes from a deep-seated unwillingness to discuss her childhood rather than a petty attempt to impede investigation, so I believe more advanced interrogation practices will be necessary.

Sleep deprivation and mild starvation only seem to have made her irritable; her behavior indicates that she is trained and experienced with these conditions. However, she displayed a worrying level of volatility compared to reports of her attitude when she was brought in, and observers have reported that she displays erratic behavior in her cell. Having reviewed some of the surveillance tapes and her statements here, I believe not only that she experiences PTSD with psychotic features, but that solitary confinement is having an abnormally negative effect on whatever mental stability she has. This may be detrimental to the investigation.

Work with her is ongoing and will continue once she’s transported to a permanent facility. She has been given a pencil and paper to begin a list of GPS coordinates. In future interviews, agents should be wary of her ability to control conversations and manipulate others. Agent Inverness and Representative Jacobs both reported having somewhat sympathetic feelings toward the subject after this interview, despite the crimes she confessed.

#txt #long long long #ask to tag #also most of this is lies :)

5 notes · View notes

draculalive · 5 years

Text

Mina Harker's Journal.

30 September. -- When we met in Dr. Seward's study two hours after dinner, which had been at six o’clock, we unconsciously formed a sort of board or committee. Professor Van Helsing took the head of the table, to which Dr. Seward motioned him as he came into the room. He made me sit next to him on his right, and asked me to act as secretary; Jonathan sat next to me. Opposite us were Lord Godalming, Dr. Seward, and Mr. Morris -- Lord Godalming being next the Professor, and Dr. Seward in the centre. The Professor said:---

"I may, I suppose, take it that we are all acquainted with the facts that are in these papers." We all expressed assent, and he went on:---

"Then it were, I think good that I tell you something of the kind of enemy with which we have to deal. I shall then make known to you something of the history of this man, which has been ascertained for me. So we then can discuss how we shall act, and can take our measure according.

“There are such beings as vampires; some of us have evidence that they exist. Even had we not the proof of our own unhappy experience, the teachings and the records of the past give proof enough for sane peoples. I admit that at the first I was sceptic. Were it not that through long years I have train myself to keep an open mind, I could not have believe until such time as that fact thunder on my ear. 'See! see! I prove; I prove.' Alas! Had I known at the first what now I know -- nay, had I even guess at him -- one so precious life had been spared to many of us who did love her. But that is gone; and we must so work, that other poor souls perish not, whilst we can save. The nosferatu do not die like the bee when he sting once. He is only stronger; and being stronger, have yet more power to work evil. This vampire which is amongst us is of himself so strong in person as twenty men; he is of cunning more than mortal, for his cunning be the growth of ages; he have still the aids of necromancy, which is, as his etymology imply, the divination by the dead, and all the dead that he can come nigh to are for him at command; he is brute, and more than brute; he is devil in callous, and the heart of him is not; he can, within limitations, appear at will when, and where, and in any of the forms that are to him; he can, within his range, direct the elements; the storm, the fog, the thunder; he can command all the meaner things: the rat, and the owl, and the bat -- the moth, and the fox, and the wolf; he can grow and become small; and he can at times vanish and come unknown. How then are we to begin our strike to destroy him? How shall we find his where; and having found it, how can we destroy? My friends, this is much; it is a terrible task that we undertake, and there may be consequence to make the brave shudder. For if we fail in this our fight he must surely win; and then where end we? Life is nothings; I heed him not. But to fail here, is not mere life or death. It is that we become as him; that we henceforward become foul things of the night like him -- without heart or conscience, preying on the bodies and the souls of those we love best. To us for ever are the gates of heaven shut; for who shall open them to us again? We go on for all time abhorred by all; a blot on the face of God's sunshine; an arrow in the side of Him who died for man. But we are face to face with duty; and in such case must we shrink? For me, I say, no; but then I am old, and life, with his sunshine, his fair places, his song of birds, his music and his love, lie far behind. You others are young. Some have seen sorrow; but there are fair days yet in store. What say you?"

Whilst he was speaking, Jonathan had taken my hand. I feared, oh so much, that the appalling nature of our danger was overcoming him when I saw his hand stretch out; but it was life to me to feel its touch -- so strong, so self-reliant, so resolute. A brave man's hand can speak for itself; it does not even need a woman's love to hear its music.

When the Professor had done speaking my husband looked in my eyes, and I in his; there was no need for speaking between us.

"I answer for Mina and myself," he said.

"Count me in, Professor," said Mr. Quincey Morris, laconically as usual.

"I am with you," said Lord Godalming, "for Lucy's sake, if for no other reason."

Dr. Seward simply nodded. The Professor stood up and, after laying his golden crucifix on the table, held out his hand on either side. I took his right hand, and Lord Godalming his left; Jonathan held my right with his left and stretched across to Mr. Morris. So as we all took hands our solemn compact was made. I felt my heart icy cold, but it did not even occur to me to draw back. We resumed our places, and Dr. Van Helsing went on with a sort of cheerfulness which showed that the serious work had begun. It was to be taken as gravely, and in as businesslike a way, as any other transaction of life:---

“Well, you know what we have to contend against; but we, too, are not without strength. We have on our side power of combination -- a power denied to the vampire kind; we have sources of science; we are free to act and think; and the hours of the day and the night are ours equally. In fact, so far as our powers extend, they are unfettered, and we are free to use them. We have self-devotion in a cause, and an end to achieve which is not a selfish one. These things are much.

“Now let us see how far the general powers arrayed against us are restrict, and how the individual cannot. In fine, let us consider the limitations of the vampire in general, and of this one in particular.

“All we have to go upon are traditions and superstitions. These do not at the first appear much, when the matter is one of life and death -- nay of more than either life or death. Yet must we be satisfied; in the first place because we have to be -- no other means is at our control -- and secondly, because, after all, these things -- tradition and superstition -- are everything. Does not the belief in vampires rest for others -- though not, alas! for us -- on them? A year ago which of us would have received such a possibility, in the midst of our scientific, sceptical, matter-of-fact nineteenth century? We even scouted a belief that we saw justified under our very eyes. Take it, then, that the vampire, and the belief in his limitations and his cure, rest for the moment on the same base. For, let me tell you, he is known everywhere that men have been. In old Greece, in old Rome; he flourish in Germany all over, in France, in India, even in the Chernosese; and in China, so far from us in all ways, there even is he, and the peoples fear him at this day. He have follow the wake of the berserker Icelander, the devil-begotten Hun, the Slav, the Saxon, the Magyar. So far, then, we have all we may act upon; and let me tell you that very much of the beliefs are justified by what we have seen in our own so unhappy experience. The vampire live on, and cannot die by mere passing of the time; he can flourish when that he can fatten on the blood of the living. Even more, we have seen amongst us that he can even grow younger; that his vital faculties grow strenuous, and seem as though they refresh themselves when his special pabulum is plenty. But he cannot flourish without this diet; he eat not as others. Even friend Jonathan, who lived with him for weeks, did never see him to eat, never! He throws no shadow; he make in the mirror no reflect, as again Jonathan observe. He has the strength of many of his hand -- witness again Jonathan when he shut the door against the wolfs, and when he help him from the diligence too. He can transform himself to wolf, as we gather from the ship arrival in Whitby, when he tear open the dog; he can be as bat, as Madam Mina saw him on the window at Whitby, and as friend John saw him fly from this so near house, and as my friend Quincey saw him at the window of Miss Lucy. He can come in mist which he create -- that noble ship's captain proved him of this; but, from what we know, the distance he can make this mist is limited, and it can only be round himself. He come on moonlight rays as elemental dust -- as again Jonathan saw those sisters in the castle of Dracula. He become so small -- we ourselves saw Miss Lucy, ere she was at peace, slip through a hairbreadth space at the tomb door. He can, when once he find his way, come out from anything or into anything, no matter how close it be bound or even fused up with fire -- solder you call it. He can see in the dark -- no small power this, in a world which is one half shut from the light. Ah, but hear me through. He can do all these things, yet he is not free. Nay; he is even more prisoner than the slave of the galley, than the madman in his cell. He cannot go where he lists; he who is not of nature has yet to obey some of nature's laws -- why we know not. He may not enter anywhere at the first, unless there be some one of the household who bid him to come; though afterwards he can come as he please. His power ceases, as does that of all evil things, at the coming of the day. Only at certain times can he have limited freedom. If he be not at the place whither he is bound, he can only change himself at noon or at exact sunrise or sunset. These things are we told, and in this record of ours we have proof by inference. Thus, whereas he can do as he will within his limit, when he have his earth-home, his coffin-home, his hell-home, the place unhallowed, as we saw when he went to the grave of the suicide at Whitby; still at other time he can only change when the time come. It is said, too, that he can only pass running water at the slack or the flood of the tide. Then there are things which so afflict him that he has no power, as the garlic that we know of; and as for things sacred, as this symbol, my crucifix, that was amongst us even now when we resolve, to them he is nothing, but in their presence he take his place far off and silent with respect. There are others, too, which I shall tell you of, lest in our seeking we may need them. The branch of wild rose on his coffin keep him that he move not from it; a sacred bullet fired into the coffin kill him so that he be true dead; and as for the stake through him, we know already of its peace; or the cut-off head that giveth rest. We have seen it with our eyes.

“Thus when we find the habitation of this man-that-was, we can confine him to his coffin and destroy him, if we obey what we know. But he is clever. I have asked my friend Arminius, of Buda-Pesth University, to make his record; and, from all the means that are, he tell me of what he has been. He must, indeed, have been that Voivode Dracula who won his name against the Turk, over the great river on the very frontier of Turkey-land. If it be so, then was he no common man; for in that time, and for centuries after, he was spoken of as the cleverest and the most cunning, as well as the bravest of the sons of the 'land beyond the forest.' That mighty brain and that iron resolution went with him to his grave, and are even now arrayed against us. The Draculas were, says Arminius, a great and noble race, though now and again were scions who were held by their coevals to have had dealings with the Evil One. They learned his secrets in the Scholomance, amongst the mountains over Lake Hermanstadt, where the devil claims the tenth scholar as his due. In the records are such words as ‘stregoica' -- witch, ‘ordog,' and ‘pokol' -- Satan and hell; and in one manuscript this very Dracula is spoken of as ‘wampyr,' which we all understand too well. There have been from the loins of this very one great men and good women, and their graves make sacred the earth where alone this foulness can dwell. For it is not the least of its terrors that this evil thing is rooted deep in all good; in soil barren of holy memories it cannot rest."

Whilst they were talking Mr. Morris was looking steadily at the window, and he now got up quietly, and went out of the room. There was a little pause, and then the Professor went on:---

“And now we must settle what we do. We have here much data, and we must proceed to lay out our campaign. We know from the inquiry of Jonathan that from the castle to Whitby came fifty boxes of earth, all of which were delivered at Carfax; we also know that at least some of these boxes have been removed. It seems to me, that our first step should be to ascertain whether all the rest remain in the house beyond that wall where we look to-day; or whether any more have been removed. If the latter, we must trace -- -- "

Here we were interrupted in a very startling way. Outside the house came the sound of a pistol-shot; the glass of the window was shattered with a bullet, which, ricochetting from the top of the embrasure, struck the far wall of the room. I am afraid I am at heart a coward, for I shrieked out. The men all jumped to their feet; Lord Godalming flew over to the window and threw up the sash. As he did so we heard Mr. Morris's voice without:---

"Sorry! I fear I have alarmed you. I shall come in and tell you about it." A minute later he came in and said:---

"It was an idiotic thing of me to do, and I ask your pardon, Mrs. Harker, most sincerely; I fear I must have frightened you terribly. But the fact is that whilst the Professor was talking there came a big bat and sat on the window-sill. I have got such a horror of the damned brutes from recent events that I cannot stand them, and I went out to have a shot, as I have been doing of late of evenings, whenever I have seen one. You used to laugh at me for it then, Art."

"Did you hit it?" asked Dr. Van Helsing.

"I don't know; I fancy not, for it flew away into the wood." Without saying any more he took his seat, and the Professor began to resume his statement:---

"We must trace each of these boxes; and when we are ready, we must either capture or kill this monster in his lair; or we must, so to speak, sterilise the earth, so that no more he can seek safety in it. Thus in the end we may find him in his form of man between the hours of noon and sunset, and so engage with him when he is at his most weak.

"And now for you, Madam Mina, this night is the end until all be well. You are too precious to us to have such risk. When we part to-night, you no more must question. We shall tell you all in good time. We are men and are able to bear; but you must be our star and our hope, and we shall act all the more free that you are not in the danger, such as we are."

All the men, even Jonathan, seemed relieved; but it did not seem to me good that they should brave danger and, perhaps, lessen their safety -- strength being the best safety -- through care of me; but their minds were made up, and, though it was a bitter pill for me to swallow, I could say nothing, save to accept their chivalrous care of me.

Mr. Morris resumed the discussion:---

"As there is no time to lose, I vote we have a look at his house right now. Time is everything with him; and swift action on our part may save another victim."

I own that my heart began to fail me when the time for action came so close, but I did not say anything, for I had a greater fear that if I appeared as a drag or a hindrance to their work, they might even leave me out of their counsels altogether. They have now gone off to Carfax, with means to get into the house.

Manlike, they had told me to go to bed and sleep; as if a woman can sleep when those she loves are in danger! I shall lie down and pretend to sleep, lest Jonathan have added anxiety about me when he returns.

#vampires #dracula #vanhelsing #draculalive

3 notes · View notes

solarianradiance · 6 years

Text

Jellyatinous Rose

Calliope: Welcome lovelies, to oUr little get together for an adventure throUgh the Use of a Role-Playing Game system called DUngeons & Dragons! Tonight we have a new player joining in oUr dUngeon delving, oUr lovely friend, Roxy.

Roxy: hey erebody, its ur gurl roxy!

Dave: hey rox

Rose: Welcome to the game Roxy, nice to see you came tonight~

Kanaya: Pleasure To Have You Dear Roxy!

Jade: nice to see you again!

John: glad you could make it tonight!

Roxy: tnx 4 the warm welcum gaiz, makes me feel good bout this venture here

Roxy: so, when do we start playin?

Calliope: Shortlym bUtt first, we shall introdUce oUr varioUs party members for the road ahead, so that we may give oUr newest addition a chance to Understand her new chUms? Jade, why dont we start with yoU?

Jade: ok!

Jade: im a level 5 chaotic good gnoll ranger called groche’a, and i was ousted from my tribe for not wanting to plunder tombs for bones because i was scared of waking the dead and having them get revenge on us... which they did! im the only survivor!

Roxy: wats a goll? Roxy: *gnoll

Jade: a gnoll is a dog person

Jade: like this!

Roxy: oh so ur a hyna furry basically then?

Jade: well no, im more like a malamute husky, i actually based my character off of bec and what jake told me about my scratched other self

Roxy: yeah, ur gilf self was pretty smokin for an old lady, so i can c y u chose her

Jade: ...what?

Calliope: Lets keep this train of introdUctions going, Dave YoU’re Up love!

Dave: im dave, and im a barbarian. im a level 4 chaotic good guy i guess, gettin my rage on with my magic shit talking sword and doin all kinds of awesome shit!

Roxy: u men like connan the barbarian?

Dave: no, not liek conan Dave: *like Dave: fuck

Roxy: wats ur backstory?

Dave: im a kickass barbarian, i showed up one day and started kicking ass, what more backstory do you need?

Roxy: that sunds lame

Dave: youre lame

Calliope: Moving on, John, how aboUt we introdUce yoUr character?

John: im Salamon of the Hearthlands, a level 4 neutral good halfling jester!

Roxy: wats a halflin?

John: they’re pretty much just hobbits but a bit more... “earthly” i think would be a good word to describe them? they’re sort more vice than virtue and do things like eat a lot of food, take whats not theirs and breed like rabbits.

Roxy: le gasp, ur a bunny boy! that sounds adorable!

John: heh, no, im not a bunny, but i guess i am bunny-like in that sense

Jade: you know, that would actually be a good fursona for you

John: eh, nah, its not really my thing, besides im more like a tiger

Jade: hahahaha! no you’re not!

John: in fact i think would be more like tigra from thundercats

Jade: i said no. you’re fucking. not.

John: uuuuh!!!

Roxy: calli!

Calliope: Yes Roxy, what is it?

Roxy: can u make jon into a bunny boy?

Calliope: I... can, bUt I need a good reason like a magical invocation or something like that, I cannot simply do as I wish with the players whenever I wish.

Calliope: Besides, the game has not started. Rose, why dont yoU go next?

Rose: 𝐼 𝒶𝓂 𝒶 𝒩𝑒𝓊𝓉𝓇𝒶𝓁 𝐸𝓋𝒾𝓁 𝒟𝓇𝑜𝓌 𝒩𝑒𝒸𝓇𝑜𝓂𝒶𝓃𝒸𝑒𝓇, 𝒞𝓎𝒶𝒾𝓃𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝐻𝑜𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝒢𝓊𝓁’𝒢𝒶𝓃. 𝑀𝓎 𝑀𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇, 𝓌𝒽𝑜 𝒹𝑒𝓈𝒾𝓇𝑒𝒹 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓂𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝒶 𝒫𝓇𝒾𝑒𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓈𝓈 𝓉𝑜 𝐿𝑜𝓁𝓉𝒽, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈, 𝐼 𝓈𝓁𝒶𝓎𝑒𝒹 𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓊𝓈𝑒𝒹 𝓂𝓎 𝒩𝑒𝒸𝓇𝑜𝓂𝒶𝓃𝒸𝓎 𝓉𝑜 𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓊𝓇𝓇𝑒𝒸𝓉 𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝒶𝓈 𝓂𝓎 𝓅𝓊𝓅𝓅𝑒𝓉, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒶𝓁𝒶𝓈, 𝓂𝓎 𝓅𝓁𝑜𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒸𝑜𝓃𝓉𝓇𝑜𝓁 𝑜𝒻 𝓂𝓎 𝐻𝑜𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝒻𝑜𝓊𝓃𝒹 𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝒶𝓈 𝐼 𝓂𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝒶 𝓂𝒾𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒾𝓃 𝒸𝒶𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓂𝓎 𝓈𝓅𝑒𝓁𝓁 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓀𝑒𝑒𝓅𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝓇𝑜𝓉𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜𝑜 𝓆𝓊𝒾𝒸𝓀𝓁𝓎, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝐼 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓈𝑒𝓃𝓈𝑒 𝒷𝑒𝑒𝓃 𝒾𝓃 𝑒𝓍𝒾𝓁𝑒 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝓂𝓎 𝒽𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒟𝒶𝓇𝓀 𝐸𝓁𝒻 𝒞𝒾𝓉𝓎, 𝑀𝑒𝓃𝓏𝑜𝒷𝑒𝓇𝓇𝒶𝓃𝓏𝒶𝓃, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓅𝓁𝑜𝓉 𝓂𝓎 𝒾𝓃𝑒𝓋𝒾𝓉𝒶𝒷𝓁𝑒 𝓇𝑒𝓉𝓊𝓇𝓃 𝓉𝑜 𝓇𝑒𝒸𝓁𝒶𝒾𝓂 𝓂𝓎 𝒷𝒾𝓇𝓉𝒽𝓇𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝒶𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓈𝓊𝓅𝓇𝑒𝓂𝑒 𝓇𝓊𝓁𝑒𝓇 𝑜𝒻 𝓂𝓎 𝐻𝑜𝓊𝓈𝑒, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓈𝒾𝒷𝓁𝓎 𝒶𝓁𝓁 𝑜𝒻 𝒟𝓇𝑜𝓌𝒹𝑜𝓂~

Roxy: ur kinda given me the willies theres rosie

Rose: Hah! Thank you! I try to accentuate the nature of the Dark Elves as much as possible~ I am a Level 5 Necromancer by the way, just so we are clear.

Calliope: That was a nice sUrprise, always good to see dear ole Rose to give Us a performance and bring a little life throUgh characterization. Now, for oUr last member, Kanaya!

Kanaya: Salutations, I Am Mildred Of Baldurs Gate! A Neutral Good Human Cleric Of Lathander. I Am Level Three And I Am Looking Forward To Keeping You Out Of Trouble, As I Am The Primary Healer Of The Group. Though I Can Take A Swing With My Shredder Axe If I Wish, I Can Be More Than Helpful In Most Situations!

Roxy: i dunno boit that but i think ill be hpy 2 have u round when the magical shit hits the fan! Roxy: *about

Calliope: Well, now that we have oUr standing party’s introdUctions oUt of the way, how aboUt we have Roxy introdUce Us to oUr newest member?!

Roxy: what bout u calli, whats ur character?

Calliope: I am the DUngeon Master, I recant the tale to the party based on the actions and decisions they make. Technically, I am all of the characters that are not part of the party! BUt I do have a rather sUltry lass that i have been meaning to play for a while. When my tenUre as DUngeon Master is Up, I shall pass the responsibility of rUnning the game onto others and break her oUt!

Roxy: rly? what is she? tell me!

Calliope: She isn’t finalized, but shes a YUan-Ti Magician, specifically an assistant. Haven’t qUite figUred oUt if shes a fUll-blood or a half-blood.

Roxy: a yankee?

Calliope: A YUan-Ti is more or less a snake person, mUch like myself I sUppose. I’ll admit shes a bit of a self-insert, bUt I made her for immersion for flarping. John helped me in crafting her!

Roxy: oh... he did now, did he?

John: yeah! it was actually pretty fun! learning about the lore of the snake people was kinda neat!

Calliope: Indeed! And in retUrn, helped John create another character to pair alongside with her! He is also a Magician, and she acts as his assistant!

Roxy: assistant huh? does that mean you can make his magic wand

Roxy: disappear?!~♥

John: whoa! roxy!

Calliope: Making a Magicians Magic Wand disappear is childs play.

John: uh calli, thats not what she mea-

Calliope: BUt making his wand spit magical glowing seed, now thats the magic~

Calliope: Mwah!~♥

Dave: whoa-ho, damn!

Rose: Ooo, how racey~

Kanaya: I Must Admit, That Got Quite Raunchy Awfully Quickly!

Jade: you can do that?!

John: ok! moving on! time for your introduction rox, before this turns into a smut campaign.

Roxy: how do u know that it wont turn into 1 when i do get my intro on? ;)

John: rox!

Roxy: relax! im jus teasin y Roxy: *u

Roxy: ok, my character is xerox gundalf the pink! shes a level 1 chotic good gun wizard!

John: gun wizard?! that actually sounds cool!

Jade: that actually sound cool, maybe ill roll one next campaign!

Dave: gotta admit, that does sound pretty bitchin rp as

Rose: Um, Roxy, as creative as that is, “Gun Wizard” isnt a valid class within the ruleset of DnD.

Roxy: wat? naaah, its fine! got xeroxs character shit filled out and everything! even drew her!

Roxy: c? kickass sex witch! put a spell on u make u her enchanted slav! put a magic bullet in ur butt and set her enemies on fire! abraka-sexbang!!

Rose: But we already have a Wizardess! Why don’t you be another class, a legal one such as a Rogue or a Thief?

Roxy: those dont sound legal 2 me sister, sides im a rogue in real life! i dont wanna play a rogue i wanna b a badass gun wizard! calli help me out here

Calliope: Mmmmm, well, while technically “GUn Wizards” are not what they are called, “GUn Mages” are in fact an actUal class! So I sUppose thats no significant issUe

Roxy: gasp YAYS!

Rose: Wait, “Gun Mage” is an actual class?

Calliope: Why yes, it is! QUite the interesting one too, might even roll a character to play as one myself at some point!

Rose: Well, anyways, as I said, we already have a Wizardess, which is myself. So how about you roll Up a Rogue? John can moonlight as one, but he isnt able to specialize as one. Here, lemme just get you started and roll you a character right now!

Roxy: uh, no, imma play a wizard!

Rose: We’ll make her Neutral Good, for maximum opportunity while still being approachable. Some good Dexterity for all of that lockpicking you’ll be doing.

Roxy: rose, water u doin?

Rose: Dump all the skill points into stealth, traps, and lockpicking!

Roxy: ross! Roxy:*rose

John: you know i could just spec into those skills myself, i was planning on doing it anyways!

Rose: We can make her pink, with some blue trimmings~

Roxy: stahp!

*Roxy latches onto Rose’s pen hand, preventing her from drawing further. The two devolve into a bit of a struggle*

Rose: Stop... getting... in the... way, Roxy!

Jade: you do know you can multi-class in this game, right? as in you both can have both.

Roxy: well i don.. wann play... fuckin rogue, i wan be... a wizard of bullets!

Rose: We need a Rogue to-*is bitten*-FUCK! ROXY!

Kanaya: What Is Happening?

*Roxy and Rose devolve to a mother/daughter/sister squabble between petty bitches who both want the same thing, but are unwilling to share, complete with hair pulling, bites, scratches, clothes ripping and an assortment of name calling.*

*Its a good ole fashioned cat fight yy’all!*

Jade: shouldnt someone stop this? like kanaya, isnt this your thing?

Kanaya: ...I... Want To, But I Think I Am Enjoying The Sight Of This Conflict? Should I Do So Anyways?

Dave: with them? nah man itll sort itself out eventually. just let em get tuckered out.

John: ... roll for initiative?

Calliope: Haa! Hahahaha!

#homestuck #jade harley #kanaya maryam #rose lalonde #roxy lalonde #john egbert #dave strider #the barbarian #calliope #long post

85 notes · View notes

aminellelia-blog · 6 years

Text

Fifty Shades of Grey Parody

This is my very first Tumblr post. I originally wrote this parody last year and posted it on Fanfiction.net, but now I decided to share it here too. If you like Fifty Shades of Grey I recommend you don’t read this story. It’s making fun of it to the fullest extent, because I really don’t like it.

All characters that aren’t part of the original story are covered in bold.

Enjoy!

We pan over Seattle. Bella-err, Anastasia Steele (not sure if it's supposed to be a subtle take on a sex toy) is a cute, clumsy, virginal, college student living there, trying to embody as many of the average female viewers as possible. Spoiler alert: she's less relatable than Bella Swan, which is ironic considering where her flatness originated from.

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: OH. EM. GEE. I'm going to be a star!

KATE: Bella, I'm sick, so you'll have to interview that super, hot, sexy, although-kind-of-rapey-but-excused-because-he's-hot guy I was going to interview.

ANASTASIA: I've seen enough porn to know where this is going. YES! I've always wanted to say that line where it made sense.

KATE: Don't push it, girl. You're just interviewing him.

ANASTASIA: And I'm getting a piece of that.

AUDIENCE: Have all innocent-minded asexuals in the world miraculously moved to Mars?

Anastasia finds the bigass building owned by Edward Christian Cullen Grey. Huh, last time I watched *Secretary* he just owned a small office. Blown-up barbie human dolls meet her and is led to the predator's office. Ana, run. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN, ya dense cow. To be cute, she stumbled over the flat threshold, which I have no idea how you possibly can.

CHRISTIAN: That's so adorable. Wanna have sex?

ANASTASIA: Sex is a tea flavor, right?

CHRISTIAN: Hominah. My name is Christian Grey. While you're on your knees anyway, suck my cock, hoe.

ANASTASIA: What an interesting euphemism for interview. My name is Anastasia St-pff! My friend is sick with the flu and asked me to come here being your next victim in her place. Though, I don't know how a man with toddler eyes could be dangerous.

CHRISTIAN: A slut's mouth shouldn't be moving more than necessary, so get on with your 10-minute interview.

ANASTASIA: Aight. Here's a question every sane viewer asks: How come you are so much richer at a younger age than Mark Zuckerberg was despite not doing shit?

CHRISTIAN: OMG, you stupid, f*cking bitch. How dare you ask me a good question. I can't believe your insolence. Kill yourself.

ANASTASIA: Well?

CHRISTIAN: It's not very relevant, is it? What is relevant is my filthy rich viper up your low-class clam shell.

ANASTASIA: Vipers and clam shells?

CHRISTIAN: Trust me, when it comes to the themes in this film, those are really the best metaphors.

ANASTASIA: Yeah, then...what is your interest outside of work?

CHRISTIAN: Didn't I already answer that? Enough with your audacity. Give me an actual question, if your inferior-to-men mind can afford that, you filthy lowlife.

ANASTASIA: Are you gay? Ain't I cute, reading and spitting out whatever before thinking.

CHRISTIAN: Another good question. What the hell is wrong with you?

ANASTASIA: Morton's Fork is at play, I see.

CHRISTIAN: If you must know, no.

ANASTASIA: Are you a self-serving asshole?

CHRISTIAN: Finally something relevant. Yes, I am. Now, do you have a question you want to ask me instead of your friend's?

ANASTASIA: You've spent this time insulting me and then you ask for my viewpoint. Heh. Okay.

CHRISTIAN: Shut it, hole-to-please-men. I just want to pry and see if you're up for sitting upon this lance or not. Let me give you subtle suggestiveness about it.

ANASTASIA: … You said you're an asshole. Why do I get the feeling that's not true?

AUDIENCE: Because you're numb in the upper story?

A secretary comes in and interrupts the so-called interview. More like a director-to-actor conversation.

SECRETARY: Mr. Grey, you have a meeti-

CHRISTIAN: Are you serious? We only talked for four minutes!

SECRETARY: OH! Yeah. Sorry. My bad. *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN eyes ANASTASIA with a creepy intensity that would rival Hugh Hefner's erection.

CHRISTIAN: I can't be standin' my stupid bitches. At least you seem bland, and that be good enough for me. How about finishin' your finals, then you becomin' my bottom bitch?

ANASTASIA: Throwing away my promising potential future career for becoming a mindless sex slave to a guy who can't stop staring down my vag? I'll think about it. It'll most likely be yes. Who am I kidding, it's yes. Otherwise there would be no plot to speak of.

AUDIENCE: In this case, it would be a good thing.

CHRISTIAN does the rarest thing next to platinum, being an actual gentleman walking ANASTASIA to the elevator. When she walks in, he steals the sheet with questions from her papers without her noticing.

CHRISTIAN: Joinkity-joink!

ANASTASIA walks out, where it conveniently rains. That sex joke was old 20 years ago.

ANASTASIA: Holy Hindu's Cow, that insulting business man made me cream myself, oh so help me. I'm gonna domesticate dat ass.

ANASTASTIA'S VAGINA: Finally, I get to see the light of day!

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: LET'S WORK TOGETHER TO TAME HIM!

ANASTASIA'S VAGINA: YAY!

ANASTASIA'S BRAIN: Can I join the party, too?

ANASTASIA'S CLIT: Shove it, punk.

ANA goes home to her and KATE's dorm. KATE is sitting writing their report-thingamajig upon her arrival.

KATE: So how was he?

ANA: Polite, clean, courteous… oh, who am I kidding, he was a douchebag.

KATE: EEEEEE I SHIP IT SO HARD! … did you f*ck?

ANA: Heck, no! I think it will take time getting his misogyny to consent to that. By the way, that "gay" question, total dick move.

KATE: We as a society have to know everything, we can't leave it alone, we have to know every single detail.

ANA: Stop sounding like the 4chan community.

KATE steals ANA'S sandwich she was making.

ANA: You motherf*ck-, you just don't steal sandwiches! You just don't, EVER! Never mind, I will try to get one with the toppings of Grey's mojo… wait did I say that out loud? Holy crap crappity crap crap inner goddess subconscious!

KATE: OMG FAVORITE SHIP OF ALL TIME.

AUDIENCE: … planet Earth sucks.

ASEXUALS: Told ya so!

We get a montage of ANA going to class and meeting her friend JOSÉ when she goes on her way to work.

JOSÉ: Hey, uh… I love you and care about you. I'll show this by being genuinely courteous and caring.

ANA: I'm sorry, but I'm into dicks who want to hurt me by sticking giant Hitachi Magic Wands up my butt. See ya!

JOSÉ: … I can do that, too…

AUDIENCE: DUDE. NO. IT AIN'T WORTH IT.

FAN AUDIENCE: Even we agree.

ANASTASIA gets to her work shift and her phone rings; it's her mother stating she's not coming to her graduat-*yawn* this is not relevant to a wiener pushed up a cooch, so who honestly watching this drivel would give a flying fladoodle? We want action, dammit!

AUDIENCE: Not that we're expecting any worth jacking off to.

CHRISTIAN: *stalking*

ANA: *sees him* Holy shit… I'm so turned on right now.

CHRISTIAN: Pleasant meeting you, future slav- I mean, Ms. Steele…-y Dan. That will be your pet name, oh yeah.

ANA: Just Ana. If you're going to continue stalking me, at least don't be too polite.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, except he was already out of that game to begin with by stalking you. And by being an asshole. And by raping you with his eyes.

CHRISTIAN: Fyi, my sweet ragmuffin, I'm actually here on business. *cough*excepti'mactuallynotandiactuallywantdatass*cough*

ANA: What can I help you with?

CHRISTIAN: Give me some rap- err, rope to strangl- I mean, tie you up- I mean, use erotic asphyxation for- I mean…

ANA: Rope?

CHRISTIAN: … Yeah, rope. Just plain "rope". Let's go with that…

More useless dialogue… Putting in random Tom & Jerry skits would tell the story better.

CHRISTIAN: *senseless flirting*

ANA: *holy-crap-he-talks-to-lil'-ol'-me-blush*

FAN AUDIENCE: Squeeee!111 OMG HE SOH SEXEHH!

AUDIENCE: Quiet! I'm trying to think of a way to excuse myself out of watching this.

FAN AUDIENCE: You just don't get it!

AUDIENCE: Uh, yeah, we do. We really do, pumpkin.

ANA: Thank you for buying at Clayton's, please come again have a great day, bye mmkay!

CHRISTIAN: Here's my phone number. I'm saying I'm offering original photos for your report by giving you this, but it's actually rapist-ese for "I want to penetrate your posterior".

ANA: Thanks come again. *he leaves, beat* I would masturbate now, but I'm so virginal and mentally 12-years old I don't even know how to.

AUDIENCE: Seriously? Just… seriously? Did you get an African circumcision or something?

The poopshoot-photo shoot happen fiddiddlediddlydoo. Of course, he asked her for coffee afterwards, like, the biggest shock since Donald Trump messing up as president… in case you don't get it, not shocking.

CHRISTIAN: Is José your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Is Paul your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Then no one will protect you from my sword's impending wrath. Perfect.

ANA: ?

AUDIENCE: The possessive streak isn't a warning signal.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, what the hell are you on about?

AUDIENCE: We're just counting the million things not inside Ana's brain. This is one of them, right behind sexual education and common sense.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, shut the f*ck up.

AUDIENCE: Nope. You get entertained by this, we get entertained by our thoughts. Win-win.

They go out for coffee. He would much rather do other things involving coffee with her, and I ain't talking about drinking it.

ANA: Woah, scolding hot.

CHRISTIAN: And I would ejaculate if it were all over you burning your skin and making you scream in pain- err, I mean, blow on it. Not just on it, but on my-

ANA: I find you intimidating.

CHRISTIAN: Clever hawk.

ANA: I also find you a high-maintenance obsessed jerk.

CHRISTIAN: Then why do you find me interesting?

ANA: The plot wants me to.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, right. So anyway, your family, what are they like? They must be just as interesting and colorless as you. (Finally got that pesky getting-to-know-her-question out of the way…)

ANA: My dad Ray is cool, and my mom is a romanti-

CHRISTIAN: Jab, jab jab. You?

ANA: Am I romantic? I'm an English major, so yes, I am. Because you have to be a linguist to be able to be passionate with words, and your entire personality hinges on your occupation. Also, this is a complete lie. I'm not romantic. I can't be if I'm lusting after you. But I like to think I am.

CHRISTIAN: *ahw shiet look* I can't deal with delusional dumbasses right now. Come, I'll walk you out, you can't do it yourself.

ANA: Because I'm so stupid?

CHRISTIAN: No, because you're a girl.

AUDIENCE: 100 million. 100 million dollars… *sob*

They go outside for the closest thing this movie can have for DRAMA. The scene is a bigger insult to the word than Ana's wet stain in her panties.

ANA: Look, if you have a girlfriend…

CHRISTIAN: I don't. I'm just going to pretend to have a shred of humanity in me by giving you one last warning that I'm everything you can't want, not that moronic girls like you like bad boys and will want to come back to them. Because this movie likes degrading women and making men into domineering overlords, in case you couldn't tell.

ANA: …OMG I'm going to sob and think about you and watch Nicholas Sparks films while eating chocolate ice-cream and be such a chick about it OMG boohoo! *runs off*

CHRISTIAN: …dammit, I'm horny now. Better find a prostitute.

AUDIENCE: I hope to find something to jack off to myself. Like the bicycle that just ran by and almost hit Ana in the shot.

FAN AUDIENCE: Jeez, you're still going?

ANA and KATE finished their exams and now they're going to party, because assuming you got passed in an exam without knowing first is cause for celebration. And, of course, along with being virginal like a rock in space without the company of another rock, she gets completely plastered. Aww, ain't that just the cutest thing ever?

AUDIENCE: When Rock Lee did it, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: But, he destroyed everything in his path when drunk?

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Let's up our game in cuteville.

ANA: *not having yet deleted him as contact for some reason, calls Christian* :D

CHRISTIAN: *picks up* Hello?

ANA: Hello. So, uh, this is my cute call to say I need you, man. Dude, I love you. Get over here so we can continue this plot already, you sexy fox. You're so bossy, tho. You need to stop being so controlling, I'm my own woman and I'll get what I want, and that is your dong in my throat.

AUDIENCE: Normally you become stupid when drunk, but she must be so stupid it goes the opposite way or something.

CHRISTIAN: Is this a booty call?

ANA: It's whatever you want it to be, baby. *hangs up*

JOSÉ comes out for the matter-of-time rejection scene with Ana as she has gone outside.

JOSÉ: I love you. Let's kiss.

ANA: No. I don't wannnaaaaa…

JOSÉ: No equals yes equals no equals yes equals no equals yes. Even numbers! That means you want to swallow my tongue. Let's get to it.

CHRISTIAN intervenes and pushes him away, trying to be a knight in shining armor, but since he is who he is, it's more like a kidnapping from the real knight in shining armor by comparison.

CHRISTIAN: Back off man, she's my future rape victim. Get your own.

JOSÉ: *rejected nice guy cockerspaniel eyes* *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN: Let's get you to my apartment.

ANA: No, thanks. I'm with Kate.

CHRISTIAN: I ordered my brother Elliot to go "Date Kate, she's willin'!"-

(A/N: I apologize for that reference, dear folks, but I have to maintain my sanity somehow)

CHRISTIAN: -because siblings are my bitches, too. You're coming with me now, I won't take no for an answer, you're useless by yourself.

ANA: *intimidated* Okay.

AUDIENCE: Crazy f*ck.

FAN AUDIENCE: Aww, he cares about her.

AUDIENCE: I'm pretty sure taking somebody home in hopes of screwing the shit out of them wouldn't fall under the "caring" category in the average dictionary.

FAN AUDIENCE: …is there an off switch on you?

AUDIENCE: So no one with actual brains can sarcastically comment on this to others amusement and make them want to kill themselves less? What do you think, genius?

Ana wakes up in Christian's apartment the next morning. Without even seeing him, hearing him, smelling him or using any of the other five main senses, he's already giving her orders in poor Alice in Wonderland references on the bedside table.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND REFERENCE: I'm only in it for the money.

ANA: Oh my God, an odd moment of out-of-characterness (the most I can have, anyway) makes me realize waking up like this is creepy. I mean, I'm undressed. And where did you sleep?

CHRISTIAN: Next to you.

ANA: OH. MY. GOD.

CHRISTIAN: Don't worry, necrophilia is not my thing.

ANA: What's that got to do with anything?!

CHRISTIAN: … *sigh* I didn't have sex with your sleeping body.

ANA: Why didn't you just say so? What the hell did you mention necrophilia for?

AUDIENCE: Because E.L. James and Sam-Taylor Johnson feel so smug that they know a complicated word they forgot to look up the actual meaning behind it.

ANA'S SUBCONSCIOUS: Don't worry, that's kind of their thing.

CHRISTIAN: *throws toast at Ana* EAT.

ANA: NO. *throws it back*

CHRISTIAN: I ain't playing catch *throws it back* EAT.

ANA: *succumbs, takes a bite*

CHRISTIAN: I'm picking up new clothes for you, too. The ones you wore looked like shit.

ANA: Because I puked on them?

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, that too. *takes off shirt for absolutely no reason*

ANA'S VAGINA: Hominah hominah hominah hominah

FAN AUDIENCE: HELL YEAH, WE'RE FINALLY IN FOR KINKY STUFF!

AUDIENCE: Kill me…

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Hey, baby, wanna go back to my place?

ANA'S CLIT: You bet your ass I wanna!

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Cool. Let's just hope our hosts agree.

ANA'S CLIT: GDAMMIT.

ANA'S BRAIN: LOL!

ANA'S CLIT: STFU

ANA: Why did you take me here?

CHRISTIAN: Haven't I made that clear a million times already? I can't leave your sexy pooper alone, because I wanna do it.

ANA: …then don't. Leave it alone, I mean.

ANA'S CLIT: LOL!

ANA'S BRAIN: STFU

CHRISTIAN: You don't understand… oddly enough. I'm into BDSM. I like hardcore spanking-your-ass-til-you-bleed kink. I'm not into romance, I only like the aspects coming from it. You wouldn't be able to handle it.

ANA: Wanna bet?

CHRISTIAN: …50 bucks?

ANA: Deal. But I'll have to work first. Let's meet at 7 pm.

CHRISTIAN: 'Kay.

ANA'S BOTTOM LIP: *attention whoring*

CHRISTIAN: I'd like to bite that lip.

AUDIENCE: *snort laugh* I'm sorry, that's… just… beautiful. This would make an awesome comedy film. Just leave out the violent abuse, and you've got material better than Adam Sandler's.

CHRISTIAN: But I want you to write consent to that.

ANA: Ok.

AUDIENCE: *ROARING LAUGHTER*

FAN AUDIENCE: What's so funny? Lip-biting may be classified as rape in Wyoming!

They go to the elevator to take Ana home, with the latter doing some more cute lip-biting.

CHRISTIAN: That's a dealbreaker!

AND SEXY MAKEOUT TIEMZ ARE HAD LMAO.

They get to Ana's apartment and MORE SEXY TIEMZ ARE HAD… by Kate and Elliot, that is.

FAN AUDIENCE: Oh, come ON! When are the things we paid for coming?

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Patience. If we made it shorter, the movie would be cheape- I mean, the movie wouldn't follow the original novel.

ANA: Okay, I did not have to see that.

CHRISTIAN: Only if it were you and I in a mirror. *slasher smile*

ANA: Whu…?

The boys leave for the girls to have girls talk which is stupid as per usual. (A/N: Before you say anything, I'm female. Who find this kind of girl talk stupid. I'm not explaining it further).

KATE: Now did you f*ck?

ANA: No.

KATE: Damn! How slow are you, girl?

ANA: I barely know him, Kate.

KATE: So what?

AUDIENCE: Because true love doesn't have to revolve around sex and in actuality comes down to respect and understanding from both parties' ends and being happy just spending time with your partner in terms and ways that aren't constantly related to your genitals?

FAN AUDIENCE: Ha! What kind of gay theory is that?

AUDIENCE: The theory from dawn of time.

FAN AUDIENCE: …Well, the world is progressing.

AUDIENCE: Negatively, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: For crying out loud, when will you shut up?!

AUDIENCE: When they give up on continuing the series.

FLYING-IN-A-STUPID-HELICOPTER-MONTAGE: *plays music by Ellie Goulding far surpassing the quality of this film*

Their helicopter ride got them to an apartment more classy than any mansion somewhere else, which isn't where they were before at least, and wine is had. There is a non-disclosure agreement set on the table in front of Ana.

ANA: What is that?

CHRISTIAN: It's a contract with terms and conditions about discussing our relationship, sexually or no, with anyone. My frickin' lawyer is involved with it, because rutting back and forth is formal business.

ANA: Wow, I had no idea you were so organized. That's hot.

AUDIENCE: Controlling is more like it.

ANA signs it without reading its entirety, making her agree to become a HUMANCENTiPAD with two others that… oh, sorry, wrong show. I just find that scene more arousing than anything in this.

ANA: Are you gonna make love to me now?

CHRISTIAN: I don't make love. I f*ck. Hard.

AUDIENCE: That line is too magnificent to comment on.

FAN AUDIENCE: GOOD. I was about to bash your head in.

Ana isn't frightened, because those words are calming for a virgin. She asks why this is, and he takes her to his "playroom".

CHRISTIAN: Beyond this door, there's a playroom.

ANA: Like your Xbox and stuff?

AUDIENCE: How the hell are you 21?

CHRISTIAN: If by Xbox you mean anal play thing, then yes. Not that I would expect a hair-brained idiot like you to use sexual euphemisms.

He takes out a key.

CHRISTIAN: Anyway, know that you can leave at any time. If it's too much for you, I completely understand. Just know that the helicopter is outside and I'm not forcing you into anything. Just relax, don't panic when you see it, just tell me. Calm down, calm down CALM DOWN CALM DOWN!

ANA: YOOUUUU calm down!

AUDIENCE: The Three Stooges slapstick would be comedy gold right now.

ANA: Try me, Mr. Man.

ANA'S BRAIN has been beaten to unconsciousness by the other three main emotions of hers.

ANA'S CLIT: Welcome to kinkville, faggot.

The door is opened, and she's presented to the very sexual definition of "playroom".

ANA: HOLY SHIT.

In terror, she looks at his perverted stash of sex toys. Stepping forward, she takes an even breath and touches one of them thoughtfully. Christian walks up behind her.

CHRISTIAN: That's a flogger.

ANA: Yeah, because when I see a room full of sexual equipment meant for blurring the thin line between pain and pleasure I'm not even familiar with as I'm a virgin I wonder what the hell a feathery sex toy is called.

CHRISTIAN: Didn't you?

ANA: …yeah, I did.

CHRISTIAN: Well, then. What do you think?

SILENCE: *appropriate*

CHRISTIAN: Say something. Please.

ANA: Well, sorry, but this is a lot to take in! I have never had sex, after all! Do you expect me to just up and "This is cool, let's roleplay as Batman and Catwoman while I'm tied up in the most humanly degrading position possible with these ropes over here"?

CHRISTIAN: …yes? I mean, only if you want me to.

AUDIENCE: Well, how the heck can she know if she wants to, dumbass?

CHRISTIAN: Well, I'm a dominate. That means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me. There are my set of rules I want you to follow; if you follow them, reward awaits. If you don't, you'll be punished.

ANA: By using this stuff on me?

CHRISTIAN: No, by saying mean things to you that would hurt your widdle feewings- of course with this stuff, lummox!

AUDIENCE: You know that South Park fanfiction "Kyle in Chains"? That story explained BDSM a hell of a lot better.

FAN AUDIENCE: That story didn't even revolve around BDSM.

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

ANA: What would I get out of this?

CHRISTIAN: Aside from bruises? Me.

ANA: And if I refuse?

CHRISTIAN: You won't be getting me, genius. That's how bargains work.

They leave the room to head for a different room.

CHRISTIAN: If you agree, this will be your room during the weekends while we spend the entirety of it having hardcore sex in mine. We'll discuss negotiations later and sounding so formal when talking about something so ridiculous as this is just laughable.

ANA: …what if I wanted you in a romantic way?

CHRISTIAN: That will never work.

ANA: But-

CHRISTIAN: I said no. I can only have this type of relationship. I only get off on making my girls suffer. Being tender and loving towards them makes me sick to my stomach. It's so gay. Because people practicing bondage don't have feelings and are cold-hearted monsters like me.

ANA: Aren't you being a bit close-mi-

CHRISTIAN: No, I'm not. Now shut up.

AUDIENCE: F*cking bigot.

CHRISTIAN: Now, I have a contract prepared detailing what kind of pain I want to serve on your pretty little ass. I'll let you decide what I can do to you, except I will not.

ANA: I wouldn't know how. Because like my naïvity about this subject has strongly implied during the last few days, I'm a virgin.

CHRISTIAN: What is that, what is vur-geen? Never heard of it. *gets whispered information by Sam-Taylor Johnson* Holy crap, that's a concept?!

He retaliates in shock and rests his forehead in his palm.

CHRISTIAN: Just… a life without sex. What kind of life is that? Is it the life of the dismayed? Do you live in New Jersey?

ANA: Maybe lives don't revolve around sex.

CHRISTIAN: Dare say that again and I will slap the shit out of you.

AUDIENCE: And we all know perfectly well you'd follow up on that word.

Christian empathically cradles her face in his hands, feeling sorry for her for something one shouldn't feel sorry for anyone about.

CHRISTIAN: Poor baby. You don't know how it feels to be penetrated by a pink-headed womb broom in your octopus taco? My God. I can't imagine the pain you're enduring.

ANA: Um… I'm not hurting.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, you are. Without knowing it. I don't know how you can feel pain without knowing it, but that's beside the point. I need to save your honor by f*cking you until your pussy has turned to mush.

ANA: Didn't you say you wouldn't touch me until I wrote my consent?

CHRISTIAN: Look, you want me to make tender, passionate, affectionate love to you or not?

ANA: *instantly forgets what she just said* Of course, *swoony-woony*. Let's hit the sack, bad boy!

AUDIENCE: Finally! Let's see if the trailers put the money where their mouths are.

They take an awful long time to strip each other…

AUDIENCE: Okay…?

Take more time stripping one another…

AUDIENCE: OKAY?

Now he's slowly caressing her from top to bottom.

AUDIENCE (ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD VOICE): WHAT THE F*CK?!

FAN AUDIENCE: *smiles awkwardly*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Perfect! That fills the tenderness quota for the film. Now, what more can arouse the viewer? Ah, yes, close-ups of Dakota's nipples and Jamie's hairy ass, of course!

AUDIENCE: *grossed out*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: And his refusal to let her touch him during her first time is so hot OMGGG, I'm 'bout to bust my puss… OH… OOOOHHHHHHH…. Ah, done. Get me some tissues, E.L James. I'm finished.

E.L. JAMES: THAT WAS BLOODY AWESOME, I GOTTA SAY! There's no way any one can not get hot and bothered by this.

FAN AUDIENCE: …WTF. We paid to see porn! Instead we got close-ups of skin and poorly-acted orgasms.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: You paid to see Fifty Shades of Grey. Now shut up and beat it. Literally. 'Cause this is what you're getting.

FAN AUDIENCE: FFFFMMMLLL…

Some more SMEXY TIEMZ are had, but it further reinforces the wish among the audience that they could be watching a good-quality video of drying paint instead. Because it would be more sexually stimulating than anything we've been shown so far, including the hot tub sex…

AUDIENCE: You know? I would be a million times more excited had the main characters been Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling instead.

FAN AUDIENCE: But he's literally a murderous psychopath!

AUDIENCE: Exa-*gets punched by fans* -oof!

ANA: So where's the 50 bucks you owe me?

CHRISTIAN: Not so fast, I have yet to- *hears steps downstairs* oh, shit! Mommy's here!

CHRISTIAN'S BOLOGNIA WAND: Retreat! Retreat!

ANA'S BRAIN: So I guess this is the only sense of dignity he has, huh?

ANA'S CLIT: You still alive, asshole?

They go downstairs to greet Christian's mother (whom is not the one described in the book as the "crack whore" I hope…)

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hey, how is my baby today? Is he feeling like the same shit-load amount of money he's got for doing nothing but sexing random ladies up?

CHRISTIAN: MOOOOOOOOOMMM, I was having a lady over for SEEEEEEEEXXX…

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hush, dear, I know you have to do something to not bore yourself to death in your spoiled rotten rich life.

CHRISTIAN: *childish pout*

Ana reaches her hand out to greet her hopefully-not-future-mother-in-law, which the latter grabs.

ANA: Hello~

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh, you must be his new toy! It is a pleasure to meet you, the 105th girl in his woman-of-the-week-parade. How's your bottom?

ANA: Well-

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh my, you must be a very special girl whom he could hopefully settle down with forever; I've never met such a chunk of platinum like you! How would you like to come to a family dinner so we could get more acquianted with a rare gem such as yourself?

ANA: Umm…

CHRISTIAN's MOM: Perfect. I'll make the arrangements. You just go get yourself ready in that wedding gown, sweetheart.

CHRISTIAN: Uhm, mommy? Shut up. You're embarrassing me.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: My dear boy, don't be embarrassed. I think you and her could become something. She's so extraordinary compared to all the other strumpets you've fooled around with. I just look at her and think perfection.

ANA: Fart.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: EXCELLENCE! Well, I'll be heading out now.

AUDIENCE: Just a heads up, she didn't really say "fart", we just put it there because she might as well have.

FAN AUDIENCE: How are you able to do that?

AUDIENCE: Sarcasm is a superpower, numbskull. Have you lived under a rock among brainless babies on North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal or something?

FAN AUDIENCE: What?

AUDIENCE: What?

AUTHOR OF THIS PARODY: *obviously out of sarcasm fuel*

The duo, not couple, comedy DUO, goes upstairs to have some penis-to-vag, err, heart-to-heart. They can't even have brain-to-brain… or foot-to-foot for that matter.

ANA: *suddenly jealous* How many women have stayed in here?

CHRISTIAN: *quick* 15.

ANA: That's a lot of women…

AUDIENCE: Nah, sweet-ums, you're barely scratching the surface. He has had more women than there are Undertale AUs.

FAN AUDIENCE: And how do you know that?

AUDIENCE: How do you not know that?

ANA: I still don't want out. You're shaking with anticipation of beating me senseless in ways thinly veiled as pleasurable, not promising any tenderness and romance whatsoever despite you having said that's what I want, and not claiming you'll stop being a control freak in every little aspect of my life. But I still don't want out. I'm now going to contradict what I just said by being catty about agreeing to it.

CHRISTIAN: Well, your call. I promise, it will be very pleasurable and satisfying to be doing hardcore kink even when it's a new thing to you and may not be your thing after all. Just ignore the bleeding out of your pink sock and excessive pain that will come with it, it's all in the name of mind-numbing pleasure.

ANA: Well, if I do get sexual pleasure out of it, I guess I could think about it.

CHRISTIAN: You getting pleasure? What in- oh! Yeah…! Right…

ANA: Also, why don't we sleep like a normal couple? Why do we have to sleep in separate rooms?

AUDIENCE: Haven't you been listening to what he said at all? Aside from "You. Me. Bandicooting"?

CHRISTIAN: Because like I've already demonstrated to true BDSM practicioners' frustrations, people into this kind of stuff are cold-hearted dicks not giving squat about their partner's feelings, so naturally, they must be portrayed as such and hate warm, tender intimacy.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: Screw this film. Screw it with a ten-foot pole coated in sulfuric acid.

AUDIENCE: … *slow clap*

ANA: You know what? Screw this. Screw you. I'm leaving. I'm my own woman, dammit. I don't want a creep like you to be controlling me, thank you very much. I'm going home. Don't touch me.

Ana leaves determined. Everyone in the theatre quietly gawk in awe at the scene unfolded.

AUDIENCE: Holy crap, what's happening?! She's turning awesome!... did she get drunk again?

…only to have this moment of awesome be crushed into tiny bits when she's letting Christian drive her home.

ANA: Yeah, I know, but drive me home, then I'll be my own woman.

AUDIENCE: It's going to go on like this, ain't it?

Then he doesn't drive her straight home, but to a secluded area in a forest where no one can hear them for miles, and will provoke the makers of films like the Pumpkinhead into filing complaints of plagiarism. Because this kind of plot could very well set off when you have a character like Christian Grey. Anyhow, Ana is being stupid as she agrees to walk with him in the woods, furthering setting in stone that her subconscious will make her do as he says no matter what… as she dances in that bright red hula skirt and stomps her foot and makes a triple-axel jump or whatever.

ANA: So what made you realize that hurting women is sexually gratifying to you?

CHRISTIAN: I was sexually abused by a family friend when I was 15.

ANA: That's terrible!

CHRISTIAN: No, it was awesome. 'Doesn't matter, had sex', y'know? You're the pity pig here, as you were still a loser virgin prior to me fixing your shameful treatment of your body by not sticking stuff up your every orifice. Freak.

They walk near a bridge out to the open waters.

CHRISTIAN: Nobody knows. Not my mommy, not my brother, not anyone. And this is not a problem I should have called the police for since she f*cked me up, cuz…doesn't matter, had sex. It was intimidating for me at first, too, but I eventually came to consent to her sexual abuse of a minor. Hear that, pedophiles? Sexually abuse a child enough, and they will eventually like it!

AUDIENCE: In the name of everything sacred, E.L. James, do you plan to brainwash the whole planet into bowing down to you, too? 'Cause I can already see the pedos starting to kneel down.

ANA: So, what? You're saying just because you liked it eventually, I'm going to, too?

CHRISTIAN: Exactly. There's no such thing as asexuality, discomfort/fear of sex, lack of a sex drive, a job, work, vacation, your family, spirituality, love, whatever. I don't know how those damn things are even concepts, mind you. I didn't have to give a shit about anything anymore. I didn't need to take responsibility for anything, I can just be whatever douchebag I feel like, 'cause I can disguise it as being a 'dominate'. When I felt that climax of my first time, I felt free and wonderful. It's my world. It's everything. It's my life. And if you let me, it can be yours, too.

ANA: *sceptic*

CHRISTIAN: You're the only girl I want this with. You're the only one I rode with in that helicopter, and had sex with in my own bed. You're specially speshuul, gurl.

ANA: *beams*

CHRISTIAN: *Phew-I-hope-I-didn't-forget-to-throw-out-Caitlyn's-panties-out-of-the-backseat-of-that-helicopter-grimace*

AUDIENCE: Oh. He pulls the "you're-the-only-one"-manipulation card. Nice touch.

CHRISTIAN: I've never slept next to anyone. Ever.

AUDIENCE: Except for your cousin Burt in 4th grade on a camping trip. Better watch out for her finding out you're lying, mac!

FAN AUDIENCE: Okay, will anyone shut this jackass up?

They share a soaring kiss, exchanging trust that shouldn't be there, lies, uncertainty, manipulative words… not saliva. Doggone it, not saliva. It would almost have been enough to compensate for the boredom of this scene. Then again, because it's FSoG, I would have complained, either way.

He then drives her home, but she seems to have a different attitude, but that's normal. That's what every person under Christian's manipulation would be. Not accepting, just… deluded. Insanely deluded.

CHRISTIAN: Contract. Read. Choice. Sex. *would have crossed out the next to last point initially but realized it would have scared her away from being his plaything so he didn't*

ANA: *nods* *grabs contract* *walks inside*

CHRISTIAN: *cartoony villain hand fidgeting* All according to plan.

ANA walks in having been given a new computer by Christian whom she talked to mere seconds ago. Oh, an he also gave her first-editions of some books she likes earlier in the film, but whatever. Didn't find that a crucial detail other than adding to the "I-shower-you-with-gifts-so-you-must-do-as-I-say" manipulation scale.

AUDIENCE: What's the difference between Christian Grey and Ted Bundy? Bundy at least tried to be charming when luring his victims.

FAN AUDIENCE: … *snorts a laugh*

AUDIENCE: What was that?

FAN AUDIENCE: I'm… just… I'm having a cold.

AUDIENCE: Uh-huh.

Kate is there being useless for a while and then Ana begins using the laptop. Apparently, it doesn't need to have information of the owner when signing up, nor a battery it seems, as it's immediately on. Now they're having e-mail contact, but I'm just going to speed-forward this segment taking its course over a few days (which requires talent to pad out, if you ask me) because it's useless filler about kinkmania fake trivia.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar (ANA) has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop (CHRISTIAN)has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Use this computer for research on BDSM. Since your own computer is obviously incapable of that.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: ok!11 ^^ but waiiii… are u gunna keep orderinh me around liek dis? cuz if u r den fuk of :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: You first want to be dominated and now you don't? This is the reason I don't value bitches above a hole. Anyway, to answer your question for the millionth time this hour, yes, I want to dominate you, and you will love it. I've already covered this issue with sarcasm so let's just move on.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: yea well…your the boss. what shud I search derpityderpderp? :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well, wth do you think?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: PUPPIES! :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Yeah… had we been searching on the deep web for crush porn. Just search 'submissive', Gena Leung.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: okidokiee!

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: HOLY CRAPPY CRAP UP MY CRAPPER U WANT 2 DO DIS SHIET 2 ME LIEK WTF WTH IS WRONG WITH U U WAN 2 TY ME UP WITH LIL LETHERSTRAPPIES

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Of course I don't, mooncalf. I don't want to use any damn leather. Fish leather can't hold for poop. I need real stuff like rope to tie you down.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I DUNNO. I DUNNO ANYMORE

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Hey, relax, guy!

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I AM PERFETCLY CALM. I JUST FORGET TO SHUT OF DUH CAPSLock is all. There. No butt serius thats som messed shit ur in 2 and I dun wanna be parg ovit. I just lost my virgin & I think I need 2 get used 2 mission before trying dog cat monkey coleacanth style or whatev its bn nice nwing you tho, hop u can find someone consentign. Kisses 33333 XOXOXOXOX CU

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: …

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop has logged off.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: wut

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: helo

Ana just got home from running when a looming, frightening, terrifying silhouette of a serial killer emerges from the darkest deepest corners of the shadows' domain, and- oh, wait. It's Christian.

AUDIENCE: What's with that surprised pause?

Expectly, this scares Ana's tits off, except not, otherwise Christian would have lost interest in her the instant she had had.

ANA: Holy crap on a crapper!

CHRISTIAN: YOU SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED MY AUTHORITAH. *proceeds to rape her*

I wish it was a typo. I wish upon Geppetto's star it was a typo. But it isn't.

AUDIENCE: Like, shit! We knew he was a creeper as we accused him of being a rapist, but we didn't think he would actually be one! …Our intuition was actually correct?

FAN AUDIENCE: Thanks a lot for jinxing it! Okay, you were right, we're admitting it. Happy now? Feeling better with your inflated ego further stroked?

AUDIENCE: Depends… do you know the Ashiatsu Massage Technique?

Some wacky looney adventures ensue involving ice-cubes, spanking, and raping of Ana in thin guise as kink. Hey, everytime he roughly thrusts into her as she gasps in pain, let's take one shot! That way we can survive this.

AUDIENCE: Two. Two shots.

And let's put in "Haunted" by Beyoncé as some mood music for the hot steamy scene of… taking these shots. What other steamy scene would there possibly be? No, seriously. Enlighten me.

AUDIENCE: Wait… this is way too fitting. Did you plan this, Sammy?

SAM TAYLOR-JOHNSON: Rape fantasy, bitch… HHHHHGGGGGNNNNN *climaxes*

AUDIENCE: …I'll take that as an "obviously I did, you idiot".

We cut to them laying in bed at night having some pillowtalk.

ANA: That was amazing.

ANA'S BRAIN: You know, you could say it wasn't rape anymore when you consented, but it was still rape because you initially didn't.

ANA'S VAGINA: Okay, this? Has got to, like, stop.

ANA'S BRAIN: I have to stop? Cutiepie. Hadn't it been for me, we would have been dead right now. I'm the only common sense she has provided to stay catty to his bossiness. Considering I'm in the minority, that says a lot about her intelligence.

ANA'S VAGINA: Well, then, why don't you stay in the minority and let us handle this, scrote?

ANA'S BRAIN: BRAIN LIVES MATTER

Ana wants to touch Christian, but…

CHRISTIAN'S BODY: Eyy, f*ck off, bitch, you be treadin' on private territory.

AUDIENCE: Ain't that hypocrisy more delicious than grandma's blueberry pie.

CHRISTIAN: So, anyway, are you gonna sign that contract? Not that it matters anyway, I would just rape you until you finally agreed to it. Boy, aren't negotiations always the best and most fair solutions? I win something out of it both ways, too.

ANA: Yeah, no. I dunno yet. You just raped me but I might still want in.

ANA'S BRAIN: *slowly getting dissipated from the power of dumbassness* NOOOOOOOO!

Christian walks up with a disappointed look and proceeds to put his clothes on.

ANA: Wait, you're more butthurt than I am?

CHRISTIAN: No, not really. I just have to go home and make a new list of ways to rape you in manners that would help persuade you. I was thinking of something with the word "cleveland steamer" in it next.

Ana reads the contract for a few days and decides that in order to avoid another rape, she could at least pretend interest by ordering som insanely dumb formal meeting between the two of them about the contract, which she isn't going to sign anyway, and only exist to pad out this movie more, because more the merrier, it makes green in pocket. Let's water it with dirty talk and sexual lube fluids.

ANA: Conditions: strike this out, strike that out, strike blah out…

CHRISTIAN: *sob* Okay. *grabs ice-cream* I don't know why I'm not giving up on you and just hire a prostitute. That's what Donald Trump is doing.

AUDIENCE: Because you're not just rich, both of your literal heads are also thick. I guess your income doesn't match your IQ.

ANA: What are butt plugs?

CHRISTIAN: *begins a "shit-are-you-serious" look but gets interrupted by his sla- err…aw, heck, why hide it, his slaves*

His goons come in to leave food and...yeah, that's it. Then they leave.

ANA: Okay, what was the point of adding that to the film?

CHRISTIAN: To further rub it in your face how rich I am and how luxurious I live and will make you agree to this contract and I'm not giving you all the details of what all the tools will be used for because miscommunication is also standard for BDSM.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: *claps in strained joy, pukes blood*

CHRISTIAN: You know, I'm pretty impressed with your devotion to this contract, I didn't expect that since no other subject was.

AUDIENCE: Because they were smart?

CHRISTIAN: Tell you what, once a week, we'll go on a date. As a couple. But all the other days of the week you'll bend to my will and I will f*ck you in every way I choose, and if you refuse, I'll abu- err, punish you.

AUDIENCE: You're still trying to hide it?

ANA: OMG, you care about me?! That's so romantic!

CHRISTIAN: Sure, whatever. We can watch a movie… have you ever seen Backdoor Sluts 9? Fritz the Cat? No wait, I know… Pinocchio! That donkey transformation scene is my favorite porno.

ANA: I believe I haven't. Enlighten me, then?

CHRISTIAN: App, app, app, only on that one day of the week, skank.

They finish up this "business meeting" and they talk the dirty that would water dollar greens and money trees.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I would like to f*ck you into the middle of next week.

ANA: *smiles, flattered*

AUDIENCE: Would screaming in agony at her messed up reaction to that statement be overreacting?

FAN AUDIENCE: We don't know anymore.

ANA: Anywayz, I want to leave to review these changes and then I'll decide. Could you hold in your kinky sex-pee just a widdle while longer?

CHRISTIAN: *growling impatiently* Would f*cking you on this table help you decide faster? Because, as you remember, I can just rape you until you consent.

ANA: Mew?

CHRISTIAN: You want me to make love to you. I can see it; you're pressing your thighs together, your breathing's turning uneven, your complexion… you're flushed.

ANA: Did you just describe trying to hold in a fart?

CHRISTIAN: If you did stay, I would *dirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalk*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Well? Are you getting excited? Cuz I sure am, ohohohoh! You naughty boy, Christian, you!

FAN AUDIENCE: I can't get it up/wet to save my life.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Need help? Lower-lip-bite?

FAN AUDIENCE: No don't you get it? YOU SUCK! Watching my grandmother naked would make me climax faster!

AUDIENCE: OH, SNAP!

E.L. JAMES: You just don't get it.

FAN AUDIENCE: Says someone whose toxic vagina hasn't gotten action in probably 20 years and needed to write something as dry and simple as this to get horny.

AUDIENCE: OOOOHHH OHHHHHHH 360 NO SCOPING LIKE F*CK

Ahem, anyway, back to the story. Ana decides to leave, for some reason not given, I guess, immediately. Anyway, Ana's being a little of a tease, which I don't think will help him hold further back from taking her over and over against her will like a daffodil being forced to open its petals before spring has properly matured. I'm sorry, I'm trying to sound funny. I know it's not working.

ANA: This will have to wait, I'm gonna go graduate.

CHRISTIAN: Again? Because you failed the first one?

ANA: No, this is the first one.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, that wasn't over yet? …f*ck a duck.

They graduate and Christian has a speech at the graduation in order to be an attention whore. Ana meets her dad afterwards.

ANA'S DAD: I'm so proud of you. My little girl graduated with honors and will begin a successful career. I'm so moved.

AUDIENCE: Okay, now this is just sad.

CHRISTIAN: Woah, she's talking to her dad she hasn't seen for a long while? Time to butt in and be a possessive creep!

ANA'S DAD: Oh, hello. So you're Ana's boyfriend? Pleasure to meet you. I enjoyed your speech greatly. How long have you two known each other?

CHRISTIAN: Excuse me, sir, I couldn't hear you over the prospective scream of pain I'll envoke from her when we have damaging sex tonight. Also, over the cameraman wanting a shot. Pardon.

Christian pulls Ana close for the shot despite her discomfort.

AUDIENCE: Any sane father would cut his testicles off at this point. So he's either insane or a step-father how would personally do the same.

They later have champagne.

CHRISTIAN: To celebrate the fact that nothing stops you from signing that damn contract already. Oh, and your graduation.

ANA: *looks down*

CHRISTIAN: Bitch, did you just roll your eyes at me? Oh my God, you insolent little snitch. I'm going to spank yer arse if ye do that again, lassie.

AUDIENCE: Why don't you just admit there's no need for a contract already?

CHRISTIAN: By the way, I've got you a gift.

AUDIENCE: Is it her freedom?

CHRISTIAN: Not even close, it's a brand new car.

ANA: Holy shnapcaronis, a new car? A new car. A new car! I can't take it, it's too much. I have my own.

CHRISTIAN: No, you see, you have to take it, because I sold the one you already had.

ANA: F*ck, are you serious now?! What the hell is wrong with you?! It was my damn car!

AUDIENCE: Is it finally dawning on her now?

CHRISTIAN: Wait, bitch, did you just roll my eyes at me again? Did you just have the insolence of being rightfully angry at me for selling something that wasn't mine but I think I can sell anyway because I think money gives me authority? That's enough. You're getting a spanking, you naughty girl.

AUDIENCE: FOR DOING WHAT?!

Christian proceeds to spank her with the agressivity of a newborn puppy.

AUDIENCE: Oh. Well, that alleviates things somewhat.

FAN AUDIENCE: How dare she not accept a gift when he sold her stuff without telling her first. How dare she. Why doesn't he the next time just kill her mom and then put her on the Judas Cradle for daring to cry over her death?

AUDIENCE: …wait, are you agreeing with us?

FAN AUDIENCE: …no?

Christian leaves after getting his nightly get-off and Ana gets a call from her mother.

ANA'S MOM: Hi, honey. My mother senses are tingling that something is completely and utterly wrong with you at this time. Wanna talk?

AUDIENCE: What, have your mother instincts been on vacation during this whole movie?

ANA: *silently cries* Mama…

ANA'S MOM: What's wrong? Honey, what is bothering you?

ANA: *sob* I dunno if he's making me happy. He's so weird, I'm… so confused.

ANA'S MOM: You know, come down whenever you want to talk. I'm here. Well, I always have been. I don't know what took you so long to realize you need sense beaten into you.

ANA: That's… I might do that.

Then she goes and makes out with the same prick they just talked about.

AUDIENCE: No comment.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Time for more baking baby-batter, baby!

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of emptiness*

E.L. JAMES: Ohhhh yeahhh…

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of the suicidal kind and emptiness*

After the movie's hourly sex, they head to have dinner with his family. You know? The one they promised earlier in the film…? Yeah, I didn't remember either, I had to look back at what I had written.

Believe it or not, they actually have a decent talk. His family is nice, like his mother, and brother… too bad the reason she's there is a posessive rap- you know what? We should invent a new word for this guy. How does Christianity sound?

AUDIENCE: That one's taken, dumbass. Just go with Christian.

FAN AUDIENCE: Isn't that one taken too?

AUDIENCE: Oh, come on!

ANA: Yeah, my mother lives in Georgia. I'm going to visit her tomorrow.

CHRISTIAN: You're trying to be your own woman? How dare you! When were you gonna tell me this?

ANA: Woah, chill the hell out. I'm just going to visit her. It's not like I'm out of our bargain and planning to move as far away from you as possible, even though that's what my brain has been nagging me about doing.

CHRISTIAN: You're implying there's a difference between those notions.

They leave to walk in the garden, with Christian carrying her on his shoulder and spanking her on the way.

ANA: Why are you angry? This is my choice! You have no right to control everything I do!

CHRISTIAN: Stop spewing bullshit or you're in for a spanking.

ANA: You're already spanking me!

CHRISTIAN: In for a beating, then. You're mine, all mine, when are you going to realize that? You're only mine.

AUDIENCE: What, are you worried she's going to have incest-sex with her mom, or something?

They kiss "passionately" for a few moments until Ana breaks away.

ANA: Christian, you are so confusing.

FAN AUDIENCE: I swear, they were going to say "controlling" but changed it at the last second.

ANA: Why can't we sleep in the same bed? Why can't you let me touch you? Why do you care so much about that damn contract? Why can't you like me the way I am? Why must you hurt me to get off? Why must you be such a cold-hearted prick?

AUDIENCE: Did she ask all the questions?

FAN AUDIENCE: *looks at list* Check, check, check… nope. She still hasn't asked herself why she's with him. She also hasn't asked herself why she felt attracted to him in the first place, but her realizing that is overestimating her intelligence.

He, unsurprisingly, doesn't answer a single question. Except he does, when she's asleep later on, but unbeknownst for him, it doesn't really count. Not in my book, anyway. And not in every other person's book on this planet. Except maybe Stephenie Meyer's.

Ana is giving a feminist boost and goes to meet her mother in Georgia despite his protests, because she hasn't descended deep enough into the madness that she'll stop loving her family… kind of what Christian has. I hope we can still help her.

FEMINISM: I'm the most all-mighty power in the universe and you all should bow down to me! I'm Wonderwoman, I'm Starfire, I'm-!

ANA'S CLIT: Oh, shut the hell up.

Ana has dinner/lunch with her Step-father and mother.

STEP-DAD: You wanna know this recipe? It's easy. Just take som movie-padding and pour it with salsa.

ANA: Thanks! I'll make sure to keep that in mind for the next two films! Sammy must start getting creative on that part if they are to be released.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Can it! I'm doing my best.

AUDIENCE: To be honest, I'm not really blaming Sammy here.

Ana later lays in bed.

ANA: I got here to get away from Christian, so now I'm gonna text him saying I wished he were here with me.

The next day, he arrives to meet her.

CHRISTIAN: Meddle?

ANA: Holy crap, what the crap are you doing here?!

AUDIENCE: Sanity is underrated, am I right?

CHRISTIAN: You sent me a text saying you wished I was here, so now I'm here. Duh. Do you want two other wishes granted?

ANA: Well, yeah. If you could leave me alone for five damn seconds, I would be happy.

CHRISTIAN: Forgot to tell you. I'm the kinky-genie, so I will only grant wishes involving me doing anal on you. Just clarifying your options.

ANA'S MOM: I love this guy!

FAN AUDIENCE: You mean comedy-wise, or…?

ANA'S MOM LEAVES, HAVING TO REFUEL THE TANK OF HER MOTHER INSTINCT RADAR. Christian sits down and rips her glass from her hand.

CHRISTIAN: Stop drinking that, child, and flirt with me. Flirt with daddy.

ANA: Flirt flirt.

CHRISTIAN: Let's randomly go plane-flying. I can do that too, y'know.

ANA: Okay. Bye mom!... she didn't hear me. Oh well! Let's leave without noting her!

PLANE-FLYING MONTAGE: *being stupid… wait, didn't we already do a scene like this?*

CHRISTIAN: *looks like an idiot*

ANA: *looks like she's fighting against swallowing a fish*

After the ride we're back in Seattle to continue this conflict-which-could-be-solved-with-a-dialogue-of-good-communication-or-a-police-call-or-having-the-luck-of-not-being-Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-drama.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: I think people with somehow chaste needs will be satisfied over this. Not that somebody not having them would know. Back to THE SMEX!

FAN AUDIENCE: The "plot" will be back after these supposed steamy messages.

AUDIENCE: Should we remove the "fan"-part of your name?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: YES. THANK YOU.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: NOT REALLY REMOVING IT, BUT WHATEV.

After the useless sex, we cut to Edw- err, Christian playing the piano with melancholy, Ana coming down listening to it.

ANA: The script of this film has really made me impatient. Can you tell me what the hell is wrong with you already?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you wanna hurt me?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you get off to it?

CHRISTIAN: BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I AM! SHUT THE F*CK UP!

AUDIENCE: Translation: Because I'm a sick f*ck still somehow roaming free and in desperate need of acceptance into the mental ward sharing the cell with Dexter.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: And having the riches to back up every megalomaniac plan one can think of.

AUDIENCE: "And I own the police."

BIFF TANNEN: I'm proud of you, son.

DONALD TRUMP: Hey, that's my line, asshole!

ADOLF HITLER: Keep talking, bitches.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I'm fifty shades of f*cked up.

ANA: (drops IQ below -10) Because the stupidity of that line has dumbed me further than thought possible, why don't you show me just exactly how f*cked up you are?

CHRISTIAN: Okay. I'm gonna whip you six times.

EDWARD GREY: This pantywaist ain't got shit on me.

So Christian does, having her stripped naked to be whipped.

CHRISTIAN: *whips* HAHAHAHAH, WHO'S PUSSYWHIPPED NOW?! *whips* HAHA TAKE THIS LOL! *whips* TAKE THIS! IT'S NO USE! *whips* CHRISTIAN USED TAIL WHIP, IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE *whips* PERSONALLY, I PREFER YOUR ASS IN THE AIR! *whips*

ANA: *silently weeps in pain*

ANA steps away from Christian, covering her naked self in self-defense and a look of disgust in his direction. About time.

ANA: How dare you whip me! Even if I asked you to! Don't ever go near me again!

AUDIENCE: Oh, jeez. That shit again.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Bet it's not gonna hold.

She's later STILL in his house, sleeping, or rather weeping, in her room. He walks inside.

ANA: I love you, asshole. Leave now before I kill you, my love.

AUDIENCE: Wait, what?!

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: This film tries to subvert our expectations so hard it doesn't now which path to choose anymore! We have caused a rift in the space-time continuum! We have caused a paradox! The apocalypse! What are we to do?!

AUDIENCE: Take cover beneath the bunker which is our brain's nerve system.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Good idea!

ANA LEAVES CHRISTIAN AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER SEPARATED.

THE END.

AUDIENCE: I wish it was.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Holy crap! She was her own independent woman in the end! I've garnered the tiniest bit of respect for her now it's enough to create a molecule. Awesome twist E.L.!

E.L. JAMES: …

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: ERRR… THAT'S…

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, wait, wait, don't say anything! She's gonna come back and do some awesome Kill Bill shit, am I right?

AUDIENCE: Isn't ignorance just bliss?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, what are you talking about? Why are you all so silent? *looks at movie poster for Fifty Shades Darker* MOTHERF*CK- *head explosion*

E.L. JAMES: *takes notes* Cause of spontaneous combustion; a movie overly sexually stimulating.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: We can do better than this, can't we E.L.?

E.L. JAMES: You bet yer arse!

AUDIENCE: NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE *jumps off fanfiction cliff*

#fiftyshadessucks #fiftyshadesofgreysucks #anti fifty shades of grey #parody #fiftyshadesofgreyparody

10 notes · View notes

pidgelings · 6 years

Note

I'm sorry to bother but would you mind explaining why the Plance angst in the Sven's universe? Also, I actually have a Voltron long distance squad AU written in one of my notebooks!!!! I feel so happy someone else have a similar idea because I thought no one would find it as interesting as I do omg!!! (You should totes write a fic). Also I have two dear AUs I created and I just want to share them: Plance Pokémon AU and OTGW AU. Please have a beautiful, beautiful day!!!!’u`

Ah! Thank you for dropping this in!

I’m glad I’m not the only one with a Long Distance AU idea too! Honestly, the idea seems bland at first thought but when you actually look into the chaos of having friends all over the place, it can be hella fun!

Also, if you ever want to message me off anon with those two AU ideas of your own, I’d love to learn more about them! :D

So, the Plangst is a bit of a background plot in Sven’s Verse but has enough plot to it that it could totally run as its own story. So, here’s how that goes:

Sven’s Verse AU (Plangst Story)

Pidge

A member of the Guns of Gamora but not a soldier in it (at first)

Basically in charge of creating weapons and ships for the soldiers

When Slav isn’t out on duty, he works alongside her

(I know in GoLion Pidge is a guy named Hiroshi but I don’t feel like working with that. Hiroshi really bugs me)

Even though she isn’t a soldier, she does train in combat and has learned to use her small stature to take down big guys like Sven

She is known to be snappy and have a tad bit of a temper when bothered but it’s clear she’s on the rebel’s side through and through

It’s after she meets Lance that her connection to the rebels grows stronger.

Lance

Lance is also a member of the Guns of Gamora but is a soldier

Known for being one of the most deadly snipers

He’s a bit full of himself because of this and will gladly brag about his kill streak

He’s also known to be a tad bit of a jerk and rather entitled

He thinks for being a rebel hero he deserves a lot more than he has right now (think Voltron Lance’s desire for glory cracked up to 11 with an expectation that it’ll happen)

(He’s pretty much Isamu from GoLion and goes by said name (but Imma keep calling him Lance to keep things simple). Unlike Pidge’s other version, I like Lance’s so I’ll work with it)

He has a tendency to wander around any base he’s stationed at so you’ll either find him right away or it’ll take you a million years to find him unless you com him

Things go crazy after he meets Pidge.

[More Under the Cut]

Their Meeting

They first meet when Pidge is training in one of the many training rooms

Lance didn’t recognize her as a soldier so when he asked her if she was one and confirmed that she wasn’t, he asked what the hell she was doing there

“What? You think that I can’t fight just because I’m not a soldier?”

“I didn’t say that! I just said that maybe you shouldn’t use the training rooms that us soldiers use.”

“How the hell am I supposed to train then?”

“You’re not supposed to!”

“So if we get attacked right now I’m not supposed to know how to defend myself?!”

“Like you could defend yourself anyway! You’re so tiny!”

She made Lance eat his words

Remember how I said Pidge could take down guys as big as Sven?

Well, Lance isn’t as big as him so knocking the wind out of him was easy as easy could be

Let’s just say that was a wake-up call for Lance

Pidge leaves him soon after since she was wrapping up her training anyways

Now Lance wants to know who she is and how he can meet her again

The Relationship Grows

Not long after their first meeting, Pidge finds herself running into Lance way more than she likes

Turns out, Lance got the information about who she was and what she does from one of his superior officers

She’s the first girl who wouldn’t deal with his shit so he’s definitely intrigued by her

Things are still rather snappy between them as Pidge accuses him of stalking her, which isn’t exactly a lie but there’s no way he’ll admit it

Eventually, she gets used to him stopping by her lab in his free time and just deals with his presence

He actually kinda becomes good company after she knocks him down a few pegs

He thought that the soldiers, the ones going out to fight against the Alteans were the only heroes in this battle but after seeing all the things Pidge makes for the rebellion, he can see everyone there is a hero of some kind

Turns out when he’s not being a smug jerk he can actually be a really nice guy

I’m talking being that guy who puts a blanket over Pidge’s shoulders after she passes out from working so hard

He’s also pretty sure he’s fallen for her because she’s one hell of a ride for him

She makes him question a lot of things he didn’t before

The nickname “Shorty” he gave her to mock her also becomes a bit more endearing

Of course, Pidge’s feelings are growing for the more sensitive and caring Lance as they learn more about each other

It was after a particularly bad brush with the Alteans that left Lance in the medbay that ended bringing the two together romantically

Even though they are a couple now, they’re routine doesn’t change much

There might be a few kisses and hugs and sweet words tossed into it now though

The two are rather happy for a good amount of time... then shit hits the fan

The Incident

It was supposed to be a simple mission

A strike against a small Altean base, nothing big at all

But when the team returned extremely battered and down a member, everyone knew the strike was a mistake

Most of all Pidge as it was Lance who was missing

According to the members of the mission, Lance cleared their exit but when they were able to try to get him, the Alteans captured him and took him who knows where

Pidge was quick to lash out and had to be held back Slav

She demanded that they send out a team to go rescue him but she knew they wouldn’t

It would be too risky

Pidge refused to work for a good while after Lance’s disappearance

Sadly, his return didn’t make anything better

Altean Slave Lance

During a small scouting mission consisting of Sven, Akira (Keith), and Slav, Lance is found

Much to their disappointment but not to their surprise, Lance has a hoktril attached to his head

He has no free will and is basically a slave with no hope of rescue

...That is until Slav ignores Sven’s orders to leave him alone and captures the slave

Slav explains that he thinks this is one of the few realities where bringing back Lance will benefit the Guns as they’ll learn more about Altean technology

So, the team brings him back

When Pidge sees him, she’s overjoyed at first and hugs him

When he doesn’t hug back, she knows something is wrong

Sven, Slav, and Akira are scolded for bringing back an Altean Slave while Pidge questions if she’ll ever really be getting Lance back

She overhears Slav’s reasoning for bringing him back and decides to do two things

She’s going to not only learn how the hoktril works but she’s also going to learn how to free someone from it

But in order to do that, she’s going to have to see Altean tech first hand

She needs to become an active soldier

Soldier Pidge

Despite Slav’s protests, Pidge starts heading out on missions

Her first missions are rather rocky but they only fuel her desire to take down the Alteans for what they’ve done

Lance remains confined to Pidge’s Lab and every time she returns from a mission, she’s back to trying to figure out how to free him

It really starts to eat away at her until she becomes a cold, determined shell of who she used to be

It pains the others to see her like this but they know there’s nothing they can do

So, that’s the mission she’ll always be on until she learns how to free Lance

There is no happy ending to this yet, just an ongoing struggle

So, that’s basically what’s going on with the Plance angst in Sven’s Verse! Thanks for asking!

#Pidgey Chatter #Pidgey Answers #Pidgey Works #Sven's Verse AU #Pidge #Pidge Gunderson #Lance #Lance McClain #Water The Plance #Pidgance #Plance #Lidge #Voltron #Voltron: Legendary Defender #Anonymous

43 notes · View notes

dulceringo · 7 years

Text

The Alternates: ClockWork

Lance might always feel the constant feeling of loneliness but he never felt truly alone. No, he was never alone. There was this persistent feeling that someone was always watching him, staring at him, looking at his every move, judging his every action. That presence was there, always. Whenever he was the only one in the room that someone, or worse, something was always attached to Lance.

When he was a kid, he thought it was just his imagination. After all, it was known that kids often have imaginary friends that they liked to play with. The thing was…Lance’s imaginary friend never wanted to play with him. Despite not seeing the presence Lance was always aware where this…this invisible being was. He would toss the ball but the presence will just merely gaze upon it and do nothing.

There were times when Lance was in his down moments he felt that the presence was somehow trying to console him. The day that his first pet cat died, Lance felt a warm embrace enveloping his whole body. It was warm enough to battle the cold pattering of raindrops against his skin.

There were instances though too where the presence was acting like a malicious spirit out to make Lance’s life as miserable as possible without killing the poor Cuban boy. When people start to mock Lance and his brain power, he honestly sensed that the presence was laughing mockingly at him, especially when Lance could do nothing to defend himself. When another kid threw the punch at Lance the presence was cheering and chanting.

Will you fight back or remain a coward?

Are you going to run?

Poor, poor child. You are going to run aren’t you? Don’t want to cause trouble in the family~

How are you going to explain your bruises? Oh! I know! How about the classics? Tell them you fell down the stairs! They will believe you, you are clumsy after all.

Lance might not hear the words directly but the he could still decipher the message somehow. The words clung with the winds, circling around Lance, ensuring that every bit of letter was heard and understood.

Lance thought that it was all just his imagination due to his low self-esteem.

If that was the case, then he wanted to change.

Enter the time where he started not to take anymore bullshit from anyone. Lance started to pamper himself in order to look good. With the help of his older sisters and some of his older brothers, Lance learned how to use all sorts of cosmetics and how to properly care of his skin. He even learned how to make his own facial masks and which ingredients will be more effective on him. Lance also made it his mission to make other people feel good by complimenting them. The girls liked it, despite some finding it annoying in a fond way, and the boys will be uncomfortable for a bit but then started basking from Lance’s compliments.

He tried to ignore the feeling of the presence sending to his mind how proud it was at his development. He tried to ignore it to the best of the abilities.

(He could not ignore it for the praises made warmth to bloom inside his heart)

The sinister side of the presence came back again when Lance entered the Garrison. Always being compared to the star student of the school and being a target of Iverson’s bullying…it was not a fun school years for Lance. The good thing was he met his good friend in the form of Hunk Garrett. The big guy might be prone for having anxiety attacks but Lance knew how to deal with it since he helped his nieces and nephews back in his family in Cuba.

Whenever Lance was with Hunk though, the invisible presence becomes mute. It was still there but it was mute. Like, it was trying its best not to interfere with his interactions with Hunk. Like Hunk was a talisman against the presence’s malevolent side.

When Pidge came to the equation though, the thought of the presence became conflicted between snarling at the youngest member of their team or keeping quiet because Hunk was with them. The presence was in turmoil which one it was supposed to do. In the end the presence decided to focus on Lance.

The times that Iverson picked on Lance, Hunk was confused why the Cuban boy was letting the teacher talked to him like that and why always used his own self in order to protect the other two members of the team. Hunk was a bit angry at himself also because for everything that Lance had done to him he could not stand up against Iverson in order to protect his best friend when Lance did it for them without a second thought.

Lance did not answer Hunk honestly. He also knew that Pidge could care less.

(The truth was, Lance knew that all the bad lucks happening to Iverson were due to the presence. It might be malevolent at times but if there was one thing they could go along with was their feeling of despised against Iverson.)

Then Voltron came in the equation.

The presence accompanying Lance was purring with delight when he aboard the Blue Lion along with four other people. The presence made its distaste known to Lance about the other four though through the unexplainable bond that they have developed through the years. But it was forgotten immediately when they took off.

In every fight they encounter against the enemies the presence was cheering, clapping, jumping in delight because the battle seemed to give it a rush of adrenaline. It was a feeling that also affected Lance so every real battle was something he could face with all confidence he could muster, it was as if the delight the presence was feeling was like a boost in Lance’s belief to himself that he could do this that he could fight like the rest of the Paladins and win. In training? Nope, the presence was like a lazy cat and let Lance navigate on his own and made a fool of himself in front of the others.

His perception against the presence though changed after they encounter the alternate reality. The reality where the Altean Empire lived and destroy the Galra and practically enslaved the majority of the universe by enforcing their beliefs and robbing the other species of their freedom by taking their will.

Could it be? Was it possible? Lance was not so sure what he thought anymore or if the idea would make any sense. For all he cared, Lance might not be mentally sound ever since he was a kid, ever since he became aware of the presence.

One night, he decided to ponder about it by meditating. Lance never truly tried this but he knew the principles. Jumping into the void his mind created was an easy task…he had the suspicion that the presence helped.

When he opened his eyes, Lance found himself floating within the abyss of darkness and nothingness. He looked around. It was all just darkness.

It was scary and not at the same time for Lance’s felt the presence was all over the place.

“Hello!”

Lance heard from behind and he immediately turned around faster than he could think. Lo and behold, standing in front of him was like looking in the mirror. The face, hair, and skin tone was the same. The clothes were not though. For Lance was wearing his Earth clothing, the man in front of him was wearing something you could find in a steam punk era. The man’s coat was leather black and reached his feet, Lance wonder how he could identify the cloak against this darkness, the shoulder part was similar to the way their Paladin armor puffed. His pants were in the same texture of his coat. Bronze, silver, and gold gears in different sizes adorned it. What caught Lance’s attention the most thought were the eyes, the eyes of the man were not ordinary. It was not Galra like nor Altean, it was not human nor hollow, the eyes…

The pupils were fashioned into golden clocks, with the roman numerals and all. The hands were even moving!

“You’re…you’re real…aren’t you? You are not just…just a figment of my imagination, right?”

The man laughed gleefully at his question.

“Well, what makes you think so?”

“The alternate realities thing. I now know Slav was telling the truth after seeing it for myself.” If only Lance could control the way his body float against this darkness then he would have made the distance between the presence and him a lot farther. Sadly, he could not and this let the solidified presence float nearer to him until they were only a few centimeters away from their bodies touching.

“Ah…Slav, he’s cute when he is confident to himself.” The now visible presence started circling around Lance, “Well, you could say that I am you…but you are not me…yet.”

A dreadful feeling settled down on Lance’s stomach.

“What do you mean?” it was a whispered question but he was still heard.

“You can call me “ClockWork” for I have long ago abandoned the name “Lance”.”

“…and to be honest? I became like this because Voltron betrayed me.”

Lance never believed before that alternate realities was possible, never entertained the idea that magic could be real.

Now…now Lance could not decide if he was happy for this new information or sad for what he was about to discover.

Okay! Which one you want Canon!Lance to see first?

BlackPaladin!Lance

Mafia!Lance Salazar

Mer!Lance

Avian!Lance

Champion!Lance

Altean!Lance

Corrupted!Lance [ A) Brainwashed/Manipulated or B) He was already dark from the start]

Normal Human in Earth setting!Lance

PersonalitySwap!Lance (aka Red Paladin Lance)

Others (what is your suggestion?)

#langst #vld lance #voltron lance #langst fic #the alternates #chapter 1: ClockWork #written by gdesertsand #gdesertsandspeaking #vld #voltron legendary defender

340 notes · View notes

eastofthemoon · 7 years

Text

Empress’s Tears Chapter 2

So, not too long ago I wrote this Empress Allura prompt but the plot bunnies kept poking me and I’ve decided to expand on the idea. The story is just going to pick up where the drabble left of.

And since it is Kallura Month I thought this chapter would fit today’s theme “Lost and Found.” @kallurapositivitymonth

Title: Empress’s Tears Chapter 2

Rating: PG

Series: Voltron Legendary Defender

Characters/Ships: Keith/Allura, Lance, Sven, Pidge, Hunk, and Slav

Summary: he paladins end up in the Altean Empire reality again, but this time they've also gone back in time and Keith makes a big discovery.

Archive of our Own

Allura moaned. Everything was sore. Her arms, her legs, her hands and feet, every single muscle felt stiff. It didn’t help matters that her bed felt like she was laying on a cold hard ground. Also, why did it feel so drafty? Didn’t Coran fix the room temperature settings in her room?

“Allura?” Hunk’s voice called. “Hey, she’s coming to!”

“Oh, thank God,” Pidge voiced. “I was getting worried there.”

She moaned again as she felt Hunk’s large hands force her to sit up.

“Just a few more tics, please,” she whined.

“Come on, Allura, you got to wake up,” Hunk urged as he patted her cheek. “We’re in deep trouble...and not the ‘Lance made a mess in the kitchen’ kind either, I mean big trouble.”

Allura’s eyes fluttered opened to Hunk looming over her with a concerned frown. “Hunk,” she muttered as she slowly regained her senses and noted they both were in their paladin armor. “What happened? Where are we?”

Hunk cringed as Pidge appeared next to him. “You don’t remember?”

Allura opened, but then promptly shut her mouth. “Wait..I do remember...we received a distress...from-”

“From me!” Slav cried as he waved as he hovered over a small machine. “My probability manifold calculated that in all possible realities branching off from ours, there was a ninety seven percent chance of being in a reality where none of us could possibly survive! However, by introducing outside elements, our odds would improve exponentially - so using the quantum entanglement formed by interactions with someone who knew myself from another reality-”

“In other words, the Slav from the Altean Evil Empire reality called us for help, so we used Voltron to cross over in the rip in space and time we entered before to get here,” Hunk stated.

Slav pouted as he crossed his top four arms. “You make it sound like it was complicated.”

“Because it was,” Hunk cried and Pidge rolled her eyes.

Allura rubbed her head. “I do remember that, and we left Coran and Shiro behind.” She recalled Shiro had been very hesitant in doing so, but they didn’t have much choice. The castle still needed repairs after their last battle, and Coran needed all the help he could get repairing it.

“And after that?” Pidge said as she examined Allura’s face.

“We met up with the Sven and the other rebels.” Allura recalled Lance being delighted upon seeing Sven. “Then we had to leave the lions behind so we could enter the base because-”

Allura froze as the memories came back to her. The Alteans still had a sample piece of the comet. They had it hooked up to a machine hoping to open a rip into another reality. They had fought their way in, and the machine was about to activate. Allura had charged forward, and without thinking grabbed the piece of comet to rip it out. The magic inside her reacted. There was a blast and then she blacked out.

Allura’s eyes widened as she dropped her hands into her lap. “What did I do?” she asked and looked around them. “And where exactly are we? We’re not in the base anymore.”

Pidge, Hunk and even Slav exchanged an awkward look. “Yeah,” Hunk said as he rubbed his neck. “There’s no easy way to say this but...we’re back in time.”

Allura blinked. “What?”

“Ten thousand years to be exact,” Slav said as he scooted closer. “It seems the combination of your Altean magic and the piece of the comet caused a rip in time itself and we travelled back in time.”

Allura frowned. “When you say ‘we’ you mean as in-”

“You, Sven, Keith, Lance, Hunk, Slav, those twin rebels that were with him and me,” Pidge said as she pointed to herself. “None of the Alteans travelled back with us.” She cringed. “Which is good considering where we landed.”

“Don’t you mean ‘when’ we landed?” Hunk asked.

Pidge shot him a glare. “Hunk, please no time travel jokes.”

Hunk frowned. “Pidge, we actually travelled back in time. I am making all the time travel jokes here, it’s the only way to keep my nerves calm!”

Allura squeezed her eyes shut. It was difficult to wrap her mind around the concept. Going to another reality was bizarre enough to comprehend but also travelling back in time? She could barely believe it. Ten thousand years that was..wait, that would mean…

Allura locked her gaze upon Slav. “We are ten thousand years in your reality?” Slav gave a solemn nod. “So..that would mean, it’s when I ..err..when Empress Allura-”

“Was ruling the Alteans,” Slav finished for her as he waved his third hand, “that would be correct.”

“Oh, quiznack,” Allura muttered as she ran a hand through her hair.

This was bad, very bad. Allura had tried not to imagine often of what exactly the her in this reality had become. To force brain implants on planets and take away their free will, Allura desperately didn’t want to picture what could drive the other her to do that. A part of her feared there was a risk of herself choosing that option someday if she wasn’t careful.

Allura swallowed hard before she looked up, and suddenly realized there were only the four of them in the cave. “Wait, where are Keith and Lance? And the others?”

Pidge cleared her throat as Hunk winced at the question. “Yeah..um..you were unconscious during this part,” Pidge began, “but we landed in the middle of the castle.”

Allura paled. “The castle?” As in where the empress lived? Oh, no.

Pidge nodded. “Needless to say the guards came after us pretty fast.” She pointed to Hunk. “Sven had to carry you, while Hunk carried that small machine that had the comet piece and Keith held everyone off so we could escape.”

Allura’s eyes narrowed as she felt a knot in her stomach. “And what happened to Keith?”

Hunk sighed as he shook his head. “He got captured, while the rest of us fled and found these caves to hide in.”

“WHAT?!” Allura cried as she sprang to her feet, but had to grab Hunk’s shoulder to balance herself. “Keith is in the hands of the empress?! We must go and rescued him. Who knows what they might do to-”

“Calm down,” Hunk said as he stood and patted her shoulder. “Lance, Sven and those other rebels went to go back and get him.”

“And do not worry,” Slav interjected as he gave a thumbs up. “There is a 66 percent chance of them succeeding,” he grasped his chin, “although our chances would be better if in this reality we had a tank, but we must make do with what we have.”

Allura’s shoulders relaxed slightly at that. “I see,” she said softly as she sat back down. “So, how do we get back home?”

“That’s what Slav and I are figuring out,” Pidge said as she moved back over to Slav’s side and looked over the machine. “We have a suspicion we’re going to have to go back to the place where we came in since that’s where we made the rip.”

“However, since that requires us returning to the palace we’re trying to find an alternative,” Slav said as he typed on the machine and sighed. “However, the chances of that happening in this reality are 12 percent.”

Hunk groaned as he slumped forward. “Fantastic, we barely made it out of there without getting our heads blasted off.”

Allura nodded as she turned her head to where the opening to the cave would be. So she was on Altea, but the truth was it wasn’t her old home. Not really. Part of her longed to go out and take a glimpse, but she forced herself to stay put.

This wasn’t her homeworld, and she had no idea what the other her did to it. Allura was fearful if she stepped outside to look, she wouldn’t recognize anything, but perhaps that was for the better.

The sound of footsteps broke Allura’s train of thought as she instinctively reached for her bayard.

“Look, I’m just saying no would care if you cut off that mullet!” Lance’s voice echoed.

“And no one cares if I have it either, except clearly you,” Keith shot back with a huff. “Why do you care so much about it?”

“Because it’s a fashion disaster and and that is a crime in itself.”

Allura gave a relieved smile as she climbed to her feet, and thankfully she felt more stable this time. She raced to them as they appeared. Lance was poking Keith’s shoulder with Sven and the two rebels behind them.

Keith scowled slightly until he saw Allura and he looked relieved. “Allura, you’re alright?”

“Yes, but I should be asking you that,” Allura said as she looked them over. “Hunk and Pidge just told me you were captured? Did they do anything-” She then noticed Keith was neither wearing or holding his helmet. “And where is your helmet?”

Lance shrugged. “Got left behind, although I don’t get why Keith couldn’t just grab it.”

Keith growled. “My hands were tied behind my back, how else was I supposed to pick it up? With my teeth?”

“He has a point,” Sven spoke as he crossed his arms. “It was hard enough for Linka and Tinka to locate his bayard, and we barely had enough time to do that.”

Allura frowned. Who was that? Oh, right the twins. Allura glanced to the two rebels that stood behind them. As if on cue, they removed their helmet revealing they’re matching blue skin and long flowing hair. If Linka hadn’t had red hair and Tinka blonde, Allura was certain she would never be able to tell them apart.

“Yeah, and that was a pain in the butt,” Linka said as she held her arms. “My maps I had for the castle are completely out of date!”

“Or more like too advanced,” Tinka said with a grin. “I mean your map is from the future, so it’s more the castle is outdated itself, right?”

Linka looked tempted to argue, but Sven held up his hand. “Please, do not go into another time travel argument. My brain is still trying to process on Slav’s explanation of it.”

“Even so, we should try to get Keith’s helmet back,” Pidge said as she approached. “Our helmets have a lot of information in it.” She counted on her fingers. “Schematics on the lions, the castle layout, how our bayards work, etc.” She flinched as she lowered her hand. “And I am not comfortable living that kind of info in the hands of the race that’s going to conquer the universe.”

She paused and glanced to Allura. “Um...no offense.”

“None taken,” Allura said dryly and grasped her chin. “Although, the helmets are designed so only it’s owner can access the information.”

“Doesn’t mean they won’t try though,” Lance said in a grim tone as he leaned against the wall, “and we don’t want to screw up the future.”

Slav waved a hand and scoffed. “Our future won’t change no matter what we do.”

Everyone exchanged a quizzed looked until the twins spoke in unison “What do you mean?”

“Our reality is already set, it’s like trying to move a mountain. It can’t be done.” He turned back to them. “The only thing that will happen is our presence here will result in another whole reality will be created.”

“So, even if we say tried to stop the Alteans from conquering the universe, if we went back to our time nothing would have changed?” Sven asked as he kneeled next to him.

“Correct,” Slav said with a thumbs up and frowned. “With that said, I don’t believe it’s needed to make this reality anymore difficult for the future rebels that will be fighting in it.”

Pidge looked doubtful. “I’ll admit, I’m not sure I agree with that time travel theory..but I’m with Slav here. Let’s try not to change anything since we have no idea what will happen as a result.”

“Oh man, that just makes me paranoid,” Hunk stammered as he pointed his fingers together. “What if we caused the Alteans to find Earth earlier? Or what if we cause Earth to be destroyed? Or what if-”

“Dude, breathe,” Lance said as he patted Hunk’s shoulder. “We’ve both seen enough time travel movies to know what not to do, right? We’ll be okay.”

Hunk breathed deeply. “Right, right, you’re right.” He placed his hand over his chest. “And at least we don’t have to worry about running into the teen versions of our parents, so that’s cool.”

Allura wasn’t quite certain what Hunk meant, but she decided to save that question for later. Keith had been awfully quiet and stood off in the corner as he stared off into space. Allura tucked her hands behind her back.

There was something she had to ask, and it wouldn’t leave her until she knew. “So...did you see..the empress?”

Keith looked up, blinked and there was a sudden sadness in his eyes. “Yeah..they took me to her, but I didn’t talk to her very much.”

Allura chewed her bottom lip as she saw Hunk, Pidge and Lance glance over. “What was..I like?”

Keith rubbed his neck. “You were older and she looked like you, but she definitely wasn’t you..I can’t describe it.” He shut his eyes. “I kind of felt sad for her.”

Allura’s eyes widened. “Sad? Why? What did she say?”

Keith sucked the air through his teeth. “Before I go into that, I got a question for you guys,” he said as he looked to Sven, Slav and the twins. “Did Empress Allua...ever get married?”

Sven raised an eyebrow and shrugged. “Sorry, but I never bothered to look much into the history of her.”

“Same with us,” Linka replied with a shrug.

“But Slav probably knows,” Tinka said as she pointed. “He did try to research the history of her for..some percent thing or another.”

Slav didn’t bother to turn around as he focussed on the machine. Keith approached and kneeled behind him. “Well, did she?”

Slav glanced up. “Huh? Sorry, what were you asking? I was figuring out the percent of this machine not blowing up if I rewire it.”

“Did Empress Allura ever get married?” Keith asked.

Slav grasped his chin and waved his fourth hand. “Uh..yes, yes she did.” He turned back around to his work. “Although, I don’t see why it matters.”

“What was his name?” Keith asked in a soft tone.

Slav’s eye twitched with annoyance. “Oh for, his name was…” He trailed off and stopped typing. Gradually he turned around and stared at Keith as if he just told him the odds of him crashing into a mountain were over 80 percent. “The..empress saw you?”

Keith nodded with a grim frown.

“And what was her reaction?” Slav asked as the others drew closer.

“Pale and looked as if she saw a ghost,” Keith said in a dark tone.

Slav’s eyes narrowed as he twiddled the fingers on his second row of arms together. “Oh..oh dear, that makes this more complicated..and also increases the likelihood of her coming after us.”

“Um..mind filling the rest of us in?” Lance asked as he raised an eyebrow.

Keith stood up as he rubbed his eyes. “I..there’s no easy way to say this, but..” He opened his eyes and stared directly at Allura. “The me in this reality...married Empress Allura.”

Silence fell upon the room, until in exactly five tics everyone yelled. “WHAT?!”

Allura blushed bright red as Lance stammered. “Who? What? How did this happen?!”

“I don’t know,” Keith replied, “but all I know is that when the empress lifted my helmet off she was apparently shocked to see her dead husband.”

“Dead?” Allura said softly as she looked at Keith with her hands over her chest. “So..the you in this reality…”

“Is dead,” Keith confirmed as he ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, looks like it.”

“This doesn’t make sense,” Sven said as he crossed his arms. “Altea didn’t have contact with Earth until long after the empress died.”

“No it did not,” Slav answered as he straightened his posture, “but the ‘Keith’ in this reality that married the empress was an Altean.”

Hunk looked to Slav and then pointed to Keith. “You were an Altean here? Man, are you just an alien in every reality?”

Keith twitched an eye. “Hey, I’m only part Galra.”

“Which likely means in another reality you are a full Galra,” Slav commented, “and in another reality you’re probably part Galra and part Altean-”

“Slav, not helping,” Sven commented as he shook his head.

“It is intriguing though,” Slav continued as he looked to Keith. “The empress’s consort was a soldier, her personal knight in a sense. They were together for quite some time, but he died in battle. Some scholars have even theorized his death was what caused her to create the hokril implants.”

“What do you mean?” Allura asked as she leaned forward.

“The empress’s whole family had been killed in the war with the Galra, including a faithful servant named Coran. Her husband had been all the family she had left.”

Allura’s heart stopped at that, but she remained focussed as Keith placed a hand on her shoulder for comfort.

“The records state there have been debates about the implants, the empress herself seemed uncertain, but it wasn’t long after her husband was killed that she approved the method.” Slav scoffed as he crossed his arms. “I suppose you could argue it shows how deeply she loved him in a twisted way.”

I don’t know if that makes it better or worse, Allura thought. But Keith? Keith and I becoming...I admire him, and he is family to me, but to love him in that way…

She glanced to Keith and blushed the instant he looked back to her. Allura noted Keith’s cheeks were also quite red.

Lance looked between the two of them and coughed. “Oookay, so I’m guessing this is bad news that the empress saw Keith then.”

“It’s a safe assumption,” Pidge said as she began to pace. “I mean, if you saw someone who looked identical to your dead spouse you would have some questions to ask, right?”

“And since this is Allura we’re talking about she would probably try to hunt us down until she got those answers,” Lance said, paused and gave a sheepish smile to Allura. “Um..no offense.”

Allura gave a pout and sighed. “None taken.” I have a feeling I’ll be saying that a lot today.

“In any case, we have got to get out of here and back to our own time,” Sven stated as he looked to the twins. “You two go and guard the entrance and keep an eye out for anyone looking for us.”

“Will do!” the twins said in unison as they placed their helmets back on.

Allura watched them go and then glanced to Keith, but found no words would come. She scrubbed her face with the palm of her hand. This whole thing was a mess. I just hope we can get Keith’s helmet back with no further complications.

0808080808080808080808080808080808080

Elsewhere, up in her room, the empress quietly traced her fingers over the helmet. She raised her unreadable face to the picture of her wedding day with her husband at her side. Her eyes narrowed, and without saying a word she placed the helmet next to it.

“One way, or another,” she vowed under her breath. “I’m going to find you.” Her hand brushed over the picture before she left the room and shut the door behind her.

#kallura #kallura month #voltron #vld #empress allura #fanfic #my writing

44 notes · View notes