#humans are space badgers

[colorfuldreamjester]

so, i've fallen down the "humans are weird" rabbit hole, and i couldn't help but notice most of it is about how humans are just really durable, adorable, friendly, how we'd pack bond with anything, about how we have such a hive-mind and empathy and determination to survive when things get rough, how we could survive things most other aliens would die from, how we could eat stuff that would poison other aliens, how we inject ink into our skin and pierce it with pieces of metal and drink toxic substances for the sake of entertainment..

it's always human defences and endurance

but i never see people talking about human **aggression**

like, imagine a spaceship happens to have several humans on it even if most residents are alien species, and two of the humans get in a fight.

and i'm not just talking physical, i'm sayin' all kinds of fights.

imagine if two humans got in a serious screaming match and genuinely hurt a few of the alien species sensitive to loud sounds as they watch, flabbergasted at how the two are literally yelling in each-other's faces without breaking a sweat or getting tired from it, while one of the sound-sensitive aliens literally passed out because it was SO loud

or imagine them simply being in shock after interacting with humans for a long time and having this image in their head of humans being so friendly and able to get along with anything and anyone, including stabby, or any predatory, aggressive species we just so happen to find cute. that image getting completely shattered seeing two of the humans they're friends with showing clear anger and aggression in a display they could only describe as "terrifying" in the most visceral sense of the word

or two humans getting in an actual physical fight, and here's where the *several* humans on ship part comes into play,

so the two are duking it out in a violent display of pure hatred while other humans, amused and thoroughly entertained by the violence that would already have put any of the less durable aliens out of commission gather around the fighting pair and start ominously chanting "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT"

prior, the aliens hadn't dared intervene or get any closer because either way they recognized it as a danger

meanwhile some humans JOIN IN for absolutely no reason and it becomes a full on riot

and the aliens just stare like ?????

confused at why they'd find it so endearing, at why they'd literally join for no reason at all, horrified by even just a punch to the gut because to some of the more vulnerable aliens that's their equivalent of literally getting an organ ripped out of them and somehow STILL fighting and then ripping out an organ out of the opponent themselves

and most of all, if humans are capable of befriending aggressive, large predatory beings and getting along with practically everything,

what from the fresh pits of hell triggered two *humans* to fight *each other* of all creatures?

(that is, assuming aliens don't have much knowledge of our history, wars, politics, etc of course.)

#humans #humans are space orcs #humans are space australians #humans are strange #humans are weird #humans are space badgers #humans are eldritch horrors

[grandstringbeansupreme]

Spices- Humans are Space Orcs

i was a weird kid. I blame it on being Italian, but I loved spices. My mom caught me eating a clove of garlic once because I had eaten all my Halloween candy in rapid succession and only wanted savory foods. The funny thing is, most spices and flavorings, garlic being one of them, are active poisons or repellents to other mammals. Most mammals, actually, but Humans. Take onions- I love onions. I would eat one like an apple if I could. But cutting onions releases a chemical that makes your eyes burn, your nose burn, everything burn. Peppers will sting everything from your skin to your anus on its way out. Garlic releases a smell unbearable to most mammals and even insects. Yet we can't get enough.

Now think of an alien documenter checking the list of what all came into the ship ordered by crew mates that week when they docked for repairs.

And what's this?! Human Durran, ordering what? The alien's many eyes widen in horror as he reads the list of what, to his species, is downright poison. Ginger?! So strong in curdles stomach acids! Lemon?! Good stars, it caused reactions so severe on skin! HORSERADISH?! Human Durran was trying to kill them all!

Concerned, the alien tells the captain, who confronts Human Durran with the list and two of his best guards. Ordering such poisons is a serious thing! What could Human Durran possibly need them for other than to slaughter the crew?

The captain walks into the kitchen to find Human Durran slicing the ginger calmly, surely plotting the murder of the crew.

"Human, we have matters to discuss urgently."

Human Durran turns, eyeing the guards, before looking at the captain.

"Am I in trouble, Captain?" He questions, lifting a piece of ginger to his lips and consuming it as if it was nothing.

#space australia #space orcs #humans are space oddities #humans are space orcs #humans are space australians #humans are space raccoons #humans are space badgers

[jaxon-exe]

An idea for humans are space orcs

Humans use momentum to our advantage. Like a lot. We don’t even think of it most of the time. Lying down and want to roll over? Pull yourself part way there and let momentum and gravity do the rest. Need to make a sharp turn while running? Grab onto the corner and use your momentum to swing around it. We are literally built to use momentum to our advantage and what if we were the only space faring species that came naturally to.

For other species they had to discover what momentum was and how they could use it and only those with extensive training can use it as well as we do naturally.

If their lying down and want to roll over they have to use their muscles the whole time. If they need to make a sharp turn while running they have to slow down and make the turn.

We can cover ground fast by keeping our momentum through jumps and stuff to not only help us but insure we don’t slow down. They can’t, they r literally not built for it.

Hell even how we run is based on moments! Because once ur fast enough ur body with just keep going forward long enough for you legs to make the next stride. They don’t, with training they could work it out but for us it just comes naturally.

All this means humans are not only fast but we’re efficient. We can do the bare minimum to get things started and let physics do the rest.

Perhaps to go one step farther we could be one of the youngest species to get to space because we literally use the gravitational pull of planets to make enough momentum to slingshot us out into the stars (this isn’t made up they did that with a few satellites). For us that was a no brainer but it took other races years to work that out and even longer to figure out how to implement it.

So yeah, another reason why we are scary as shit to them is that something that to them only come with a life time of training and study comes complete naturally to us.

It would be like finding a species that at age 3 has a perfect mastery of all martial arts and they don’t even realise how fucking wild that is.

#humans are space orcs #humans are space badgers #humans are space australians

[peoplecallmelucifer]

"THIS IS BULLSHIT!" Clair screamed at her captain

"Crewmen you have not just assulted an injured coworker, you apreare to have threatened others into defending you. This matrer is over and done!" The captain responded coldly

" Assu- I WAS PREFIRMING CPR!"

" I do not care what kind of ritual that is, injured crewmembers are to be handled by the hospital staff alone and are most definetly not to be punched in the chest!"

"I DID NOT PUNCH HIM"

"Whitnesses say otherwise"

Clair took a big breath and sighed before co tinuing more calmly "Have you talked to Max yet? Or a human medical specialist for that matter?"

" Well you put our chief medical officer out of comission but don't worry, we will take the victims statement when they wake up, untill further notice you will be confined to-"

At that moment the doors burst open with several humans piling up on alien guards while a tall skinny man, who appeared to barely be standing hurried in the best he could.

"MAX!" Clair shouted in surprise "What are you doing here you should be resting!"

"And let you get fired for this, no way"

"ORDER" the captain roared! "What in the blazes is going on here? Crewman, I'll have you know that even if you were a victim of this attack I will not allow vigilante justice on my-"

"Oh can it you cretin!" Max said a she sat down

"Excuse me?" Was all the captain managed to say in response before Max continued

" You're excused. Now if you had half a brain you would have looked up what CPR was before aresting the person eho saved my fucking life! Some cretin left live wires uncovered and as I leaned agais the wrong wall I got Enough electricity to light up half of New York for a day running trough my body! What Clair did were chest compressions! She restarted my heart!"

"B-but she is not a trianed medical servicemen! And you had bruizes all over your body, not just electrical burns!" The captain stammered

" Yeah muscles spasm when they get shocked. I got flunged into the wall because of it, hence the bruises. And all human crewmates know basic CPR. It is required from any spacer to know first aid for at least 4 species." Max said

"I- I see. I ... apologize for my rash judgement crewmen."

" Am I not being arrested? " Clair asked

"No, you are not" the captin said with a look of shame

"Then I accept the apology ... now please help me drag this diva back to thw med bay before I actually knock him out" Clair said looking at Max

" Hey carefull Clair, maybe captain never heard of hyperbole"

#hfy #humans are space orcs #humans are space floridian #humans are space oddities #humans are space australians #humans are deathworlders #humans are weird #humans are space badgers

[thecommunalfoolboy]

Just found out about the humans are space orcs thing you all got going on here and I wanna know how many of u guys finally realized u think humans are so strange bc ur autistic

#humans are space capybaras #humans are space fae #humans are space orcs #humans are space australians #humans are space raccoons #humans are space oddities #humans are strange #humans are space badgers #autism <3 #self diagnosed autism #possibly autistic #autism mood #autism memes #autistic adult #autistic #autistic traits #autistic community #autism #actually autistic #autistic experiences #autistic pride #autistic things #late diagnosed autistic #probably autistic #autism awareness #autistic problems #autistic life #One Of Us 🫵 #I made people realize they’re autistic again :(

[atomickittenland]

I work in a mostly human ship and have noticed several strange things with humans pack bonding. Humans have a strange sense of community,

for instance instead of simply consuming a ration bar or other food when hungry, humans will instead wait and all consume a large meal all at once on the ship This includes everyone present on the ship and is such I am expected to participate

Why is it that deathworlders wait to consume food when it is such a precious resource on their world? Why do they wait to share it with all other members of the community?

#humans are space australians #humans are space orcs #humans are space badgers #humans are weird

[ena-113]

A human crewmate, Mia, held a long thin box. It seemed to have paper and plastic peices inside, based on the sound. A puzzle perhaps? A few other crewmates trailed behind them.

"Hey Bob! Wanna join us? We're playing Clue, it's a board game from earth."

Bob nodded and joined the others trailing after Mia. He had no idea what a 'board game' was, but it seemed fun. They eventually all gathered around a table in the cafeteria.

"Okay, so it's a murder mystery and we have to figure out who killed Mr. Body. We're all possible suspe-" Mia started to set up the board and explain, but was cut off by Jli'yan.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but why do humans have a game centered on murder and distrust?"

"Cause it's fun, thrilling. Good for poker face practice." Kaya answered, shuffling cards. They then nodded towards Mia to continue explaining.

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prev

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#I was originally gonna do monopoly #but decided against it #clue is more fun #nonlinear narrative #not beta read #humans are space orcs #humans are space badgers #humans are space oddities #humans are deathworlders #humans are confusing #humans are space australians #humans are insane #humans are space raccoons #humans are space capybaras #humans are space fae #board games #game night #not beta'd

[shadytreelucy-blog]

Declawing your humans

if we really apply the whole teeth are seen as threating to aliens or scary, who’s to say they won’t try something in order to make themselves feel more safe.

even more so if most aliens are prey.

what i’m saying is aliens are gonna do what we did to cats to us, but instead of taking claws they take teeth.

we can try our hardest but smiling to show your friendly is instinct for us, be honest have you ever been in a situation where you weren’t allowed to smile or laugh what did you do? laugh and smile right?

some aliens will know we’re trying to be friendly and we cant help it but that doesn’t always mean it’ll stop them from doing it.

also our teeth plays a big part in our social life. you have yellow teeth? you get bullied, you have a weird set of teeth? people will constantly ask questions about it, unless your old or a newborn baby no one will find missing teeth attractive. 

bad teeth usually equals bad hygiene which means your more likely to be sick and no one wants be around sick people.

im not even talking about eating either, our teeth is important!

taking a human’s teeth is taking away our ability to be social.

yes your alien “friends” feel safe but now humans, your own species now look at you with disgust.

“i had beautiful white teeth”

“i was trying to be friendly i didn’t mean to scare them”

“they took my teeth, why’d they do that? i just wanted to be their friend”

(feel free to use this idea)

#humans are deathworlders #humans are space oddities #humans are space fae #humans are space orcs #humans are space badgers #humans are space pets #aliens #earth is space australia #earth is a deathworld

[very-uncorrect]

I just suddenly got a HUGE and OVERWHELMING urge to write a whole ass novel with a Humans Are Space Orcs/Fae/Australians/whatever plot

The thing is... Idk what to write lol

#humans are deathworlders #humans are space orcs #humans are space oddities #humans are space fae #humans are space australians #humans are space badgers #humans are space capybaras #writeblr #writing #writers #writers on tumblr

[chem-echols]

I've been binge watching Criminal Minds (now on s6!) and I've been wondering what it would be like in a "Humans are Space Orcs" situation with them.

For example, what if they got Reid? or Hotch? I headcanon both of them to be autistic, so they're not exactly an entire representative of humanity. Aliens might not even know the diversity of the human brain.

I feel Reid will just tell them straight away he's autistic, but Hotch will be much more apprehensive (if they're able to establish communication).

But what if it were the whole team? The BAU is also not a representation of all humanity, only a small part of people who see the worst that humanity can offer.

I can already see Garcia and Reid being so excited that aliens are real, even though they've been kidnapped. Love those nerds.

here's a cat for your troubles

#criminal minds #humans are space oddities #humans are deathworlders #humans are space orcs #humans are space fae #humans are space badgers #humans are space raccoons #WHY IS THERE SO MANY NAMES LMAOOO #theyre not wrong tho #autistic spencer reid #autistic hotch #autistic reid

[babyspacebatclone]

Happened to see this while a flood of #Humans are Space Orcs hit my dash, and it got me thinking.

Like, just, the insane limits we push with our benign hobbies.

Speedruns. Kaizo Hacks. Aluminum Ball Polishing.

Dirt Ball Polishing.

I pity the species that have to deal with humans trying to keep themselves entertained in space, even when we’re not trying to kill ourselves.

#humans are space australians #humans are space orcs #humans are space oddities #hobbies #extreme challenges #humans are space fae #humans are space badgers #humans are space raccoons #humans are so weird #humans are deathworlders

[apex-bull-shark]

You Know I’m Wondering

Where Did The Famous

“Vice Admiral Stabby The Roomba” Come From?

Edit: I’m Not asking what is the meme about I’m asking where did Stabby First appear like was it on a tumblr HASO post or on a different website ya get what I mean

#humans are space badgers #humans are space raccoons #humans are confusing #humans are space orcs #stabby the roomba #the legend of stabby #stabby the space roomba #humans are space australians #humans are deathworlders #humans are space oddities #humans are space fae #humans are space capybaras

[grandstringbeansupreme]

Humans Are Space Orcs- Inhospitable Environments

⋆dedicated to @jhomikle⋆

Captain Giristlo had one major goal as leader of xeir ship, the Stargazer.

The safety and happiness of all of xeir crewmates.

So when xey had caught Human Owen and Durran, xeir two resident humans, arguing about something called a "television", xey had been curious. The argument had apparently been about a show that appeared on this television device. When the ship next docked, Giristlo had ordered one of these 'televisions", hoping this might settle the argument.

When xey gave it to the humans, they were very excited. Soon enough, they had it up and running in their quarters. When they were on break, Giristlo could walk by and hear it running.

Soon, Giristlo's curiosity overcame xem and xey asked to watch one of these "shows" with the humans.

Human Owen and Human Durran sat xem down to watch "something simple." As the logo flashed across the television, the translator clipped it to "National Geographic." *

Giristlo watched with great interest as the episode tracked two Hikers (Human John and Human Sarah) who were taking a trek up a mountain on Earth called "Everest".

Giristlo's interest soon turned to horror as xey beheld the conditions of the mountain. Show after show on this "channel" revealed even more horrible conditions like a "desert" or a "rainforest." Xey had heard of planets with these features before, but had never seen sentients actively try and brave them.

"Why does your species challenge your nature? This is seriously dangerous work, Human Owen and Human Durran!"

"Well, because it's an adventure! It's fun!"

*not sponsored by Nat Geo. I wish.*

#humans are space raccoons #humans are weird #space australia #space orcs #humans are strange #humans are space oddities #humans are space australians #humans are space badgers

[zack-creeper]

OMG SO I JUST HAD A BRAIN THOUGHT!!!

You know how sometimes you bring your pet to your room and then once you put them down they leave the f#cking room making you sad.

Well what if humans on space crafts bring (drag) there favorite sentient's to there room to cuddle (and only allow them in there room), only for them to walk out MAKEING the human very depressed.

Or

If if humans aren't seen as sentient yet and are more seen as pets and someones human brings there owner to there designated room, only for you to get up and leave, and once you come back they are very sad and don't want you close because there sad and angry at you.

(This was horribly written but I am very tired so brain don't work as well)

#humans are space orcs #humans are deathworlders #humans are space fae #humans are space badgers #humans are space mongoos

[inbabylontheywept]

"R&D? More like R&Deez Nuts"

In a future where intelligent life had managed to break the chains of death, disease, and famine, it had yet to escape the iron grasp of bullshit corporate team building exercises.

Luckily for the R&D division of TLOB Enterprises, they had a human. His name was Earl, and he surpassed even immunity to bullshit, literally gaining strength from it like some sort of coprophilic vampire. It was almost as disgusting as it was fascinating, but the novelty of it was charming enough to keep things in the green.

The specific brand of bullshit the group was dealing with on that particular day was a “team-building laser-tag battle” pitting the three main divisions of the orbital branch against each other: Accounting, Sales, and Innovations.

To be frank, it didn’t seem like a very fair fight. Accounting was the largest branch by far at twenty-seven heads. Sales lagged behind this a great deal with seventeen members, still absolutely dwarfing R&D’s mere four.

The rules of the game were explained by a cheery corporate speaker, aided by pictures presented in something that was dishearteningly close to a power-point program.

First, each player would be given an infrared phaser, and a tag suit. The suit itself was surprisingly high tech for a toy, freezing limbs if they got hit, and paralyzing the person entirely if they were struck somewhere vital. After receiving their gear the three groups would retreat back to their offices and strategize for the next fifteen minutes. When the time was up, the station would begin to decrease its spin, lowering gravity from a comfortable one-point-two G's down to zero. The match would then proceed in the low gravity environment until two teams were eliminated, with its end being signalled by the return of gravity.

“Any questions?” the speaker finished, chromatophores flashing a nervous pink as the room remained silent.

“Haha, I’m gonna take that as a sign that I did a good job of explaining things! Alright everyone, back to your offices! And remember: We’re all part of a greater whole!”

Brisinj smirked, jagged teeth on full display. There was a moment of slow motion horror as Shiloh, Earl, and Valrose all realized that he was about to “whisper” something under his breath.

Brisinj’s equivalent of whispering was still more than enough to be heard across the room.

“Hard to. Be greater hole than. Sales. Even if. Hole is. Asshole.”

As seventeen heads swiveled towards him in disbelief he did the only thing he could that would make the situation worse.

He made eye contact with them and kept going

“BET THEY FART. LIKE. AN AIRLOCK. OPENING.”

Spittle foamed between the gaps of his jagged teeth as he forced air between them, the hiss he made literally filling the room.

And it just kept going.

And going.

And going.

Disgust morphed into disbelief as Brisinj continued to make the noise, eyes bulging, face flushed, before his lungs mercifully gave out and the hiss died with an artfully strangled gurgle.

Earl couldn’t help it. He guffawed. Shiloh’s disappointed and betrayed expression broke his heart, but he couldn’t help it. That final gurgle had been a masterpiece.

Valrose was the one that wound up taking the initiative, his hydraulic musculature giving him the strength to gently manhandle the cackling duo out of the room. Shiloh tried his best to give an apologetic wave as he followed the pseudo-crustacean out of the room, but the raucous laughter of three people behind him scorched that bridge like a leaf on the sun.

With a defeated sigh he ran to catch up to his coworkers.

---

“So… What do you think the odds are that sales decides to storm our little lab first?” Shiloh asked.

“Oh, 100%,” Earl replied offhandedly, his attention focused on rummaging through an old toolbox.

“Those are chances,” Valrose corrected, “Odds would be zero to one. But yeah, they’re definitely hitting here first.”

“I. WOULD BE. OFFENDED. IF THEY. DIDN’T.” Brisinj intoned at his standard just-below-deafening volume, “THAT HISS. WAS. PERFECT.”

Shiloh ran his claws over his scalp.

“Shit. They’re gonna slaughter us.”

Earl seemed to have found the tool he was looking for and was now rummaging through the LED drawer, gathering a collection of bulbs that he seemed promising to him. His tone was amused, even if he didn’t look up long enough for his facial expression to be read.

“Calm down. Slaughter is for real wars. Worst thing that happens here is they paralyze us and draw dicks on our faces.”

“That’s still not pleasant!” Shiloh protested.

No one argued that point.

The silence stretched on for a minute or so longer. Earl gathered his collection of bulbs before moving to the power testing lab, leaving the other three in the quiet. Valrose gave in first and pushed himself up, claws failing wildly as he got his four legs beneath him.

“So what are we gonna do? What’s our grand plan to avoid having to pretend to be dead for the next hour while the sales bastards make us into doodle boards?”

Shiloh shrugged.

“Make them work for it I guess? We could start by moving our shelving units, trying to funnel them through a choke point. Could give ourselves some cover while we were at it.”

Earl chimed in from the power lab.

“I got an idea, but I’m gonna be a little dramatic about it and make you wait to see it. Just uh… Cluster em’. The more of em’ you can pack together, the better. Even if it means making some cover on their side of the room.”

There was a slight sideways pulls as the station’s retro-thrusters activated, the rotation of the great craft gently pulling to a complete stop.

The game was starting, and Earl still hadn’t made his way back from the power lab. Brisinj was not pleased with this.

“HEY. EARL. DONE YET?”

Earl’s voice came back a few seconds later, strained but chipper.

“Almost!”

They could hear banging on the walls, the telltale sound of people launching themselves down halls in the zero gravity environment.

The noises were getting closer.

“So, uh, how ‘almost’ is that almost?” Valrose asked, his casual tone betrayed by the nervous twiddling of his manipulator claws, “Cuz I’m hearing a lot of boots hitting the walls and four wouldn’t be enough to hold them off, least of all three.”

Even without a person around to witness it, Earl still shrugged before answering.

“Yeah, well, that’s the thing: Four ain’t enough. Only way we’re winning this if I can get this party trick in working order, so just... Hold the line. Alright?”

Valrose clutched his pistol tighter, still feeling exposed in the pillbox he’d made from old shelving units and cardboard. Brisinj wasn’t pleased with Earl’s absence, but even that nuisance wasn’t enough to ruin the joy he felt at even this imitation of a fight. Shiloh just kept his sights on the lone entrance to the lab, hoping he could get the timing of his first shot right.

He did.

There was the black flash of a sales rep rocketing down the hall. He landed on all fours, limbs splayed like a tree frog, when Shiloh’s beam hit him in the back. He’d been too busy absorbing the shock of impact to begin his secondary launch, and as all four limbs froze at once from the registered vital shot there was nothing he could do but await his doom.

Apparently, doom chose to wear a grey suit that day. Another sale’s colleague had been following close behind him, and simply lacked the time to change direction. With no way to change course he slammed into his paralyzed comrade with a muffled swear, the two sent spinning into the open space of the research lab.

Brisinj picked the flailing survivor off with a casual snipe. His species was adapted for hunting and he didn’t even need to use the sights of the gun, firing from the hip like an old Western. The flailing stopped, but the accusing glare remained.

The second batch of sales workers seemed to have learned from the first, recognizing the challenges of rushing the choke point. There was the sound of scuffling in the hall as they struggled to position themselves in the 3D space before the first wave launched themselves out of the blind corner.

There were five of them, and they weren’t just smarter than the frontrunners, they seemed more physically capable. There was another sharp-toothed biped of the same species as Brisinj, and the two quickly locked themselves in a duel. Brisinj’s stationary position gave him an advantage in accuracy, but the speed that the other one was moving at made him hard to hit.

Brisinj let out an involuntary hiss as one of the shots hit him in the arm. His opponent’s eyes narrowed in fury at the sound, and the moment of distraction was enough for Brisinj to swap the gun to his functioning hand and take out one of his opponent’s legs.

Unable to position his landing well, the clerk hit the next wall and glanced off, spinning. Valrose took a careful shot at his chest and the flailing of limbs stopped, giving him the appearance of a shuriken as he whirled off in the direction of the power lab.

Still, his efforts gave four of his comrades enough time to get to cover unharried. As they began to fire at the entrenched trio, they gave more of their friends time to get through the door and set up.

Valrose was able to put up the best fight here. His head barely poked out of the pillbox, the only part of him truly exposed when he fired was whatever arm happened to be holding his pistol. He simply ran through them like an assembly line, one pincer passing the pistol off to the next as his arms took hit after hit.

He managed to get a chest shot against an upper levels sales manager, but the real gains of his strategy were in the way he took fire off the other two. Brisinj’s sharpshooter accuracy had gone down to mortal levels after swapping to his non-dominant arm, but he was still able to get two cocky reptilians through the chest when they tried to leap for better positions. Shiloh himself seemed content to take limb shots, whittling the sales team down slowly. His reptilian comrades weren’t particularly good shots, but they made up for it with their default ambidexterity. It was the real sharpshooters, the mammalian bipeds and greys, that suffered the most from losing their dominant limbs. For a moment, it looked like they could manage to hold their positions indefinitely.

The moment couldn’t last.

Two shooters made a bullrush for Valrose. The first, a reptilian, was taken out easily, but Brisinj only managed to get the second’s leg before he dove in through the entrance slot. There was a muffled curse before Valrose was evicted from the box, limbs splayed.

A chest shot.

Shit.

The pillbox was positioned behind both Brisinj and Shiloh. Having it captured didn’t just mean that they’d lost their main distraction, it meant that they were about to get caught in a crossfire.

Shiloh may not have had the quickest body, but he had a lightning mind. Before Valrose was even shoved out of the slot he was launching himself out of cover. He had his knees bent in front of him like a shield, sacrificing them midflight. If he’d been aiming for a wall, he’d have hit the ground frozen, unable to push off, but he knew better: There was a water pipe hanging off the wall he could swing around like a gymnast on, repositioning his trajectory on a beeline for the power lab.

Brisinj himself realized a half second later what he needed to do, but his superior speed made up the difference nicely. He dug his clawed fingertips into the carpet, weaving serpentine down the hall, more of a climbing motion than anything else. It was working beautifully, beams of infrared traced all the places he would’ve been if he’d been foolish enough to move in a straight line. He’d almost made it the full length of the hall before a lucky shot grazed his hand, the remaining arm locking tight. Dropping the last pretense of strategy, he simply kicked as hard as he could off the wall, launching himself towards the door he’d just barely seen Shiloh disappear behind.

It worked. He barreled into the lab, just barely managing to twist enough to land feet first on the wall instead of bouncing around the room like a 140 kilo rubber bullet.

“EARL! THEY GOT. VAL. ARE YOU. DONE. YET?”

Earl turned around, a wild grin on his face. He’d built… something. There was a breadboard covered in crudely soldered chemical batteries, a handful of resistors, and most importantly, an LED. A matte black cone of plastic was wrapped around the top bulb, focusing the light from a radial burst to a much more concentrated cone.

Brisinj was good at circuits, but the whole thing was so rushed and messy he could barely tell where the on switch was. Shiloh, on the other hand, seemed to understand immediately.

“Does that LED emit in the same wavelength as the pistols?” he demanded, almost gleeful at the prospect.

“Close! We’ll see if it’s close enough to fool the sensors.”

There was no time for self-congratulating speeches. The sales team had begun to follow them down the halls, eager to finish what they’d started.

Earl braced himself by the doorway. Behind him laid his wounded teammates...before him laid destiny.

And what human would he be, if he had not laid with destiny?

He launched himself across the room, body parallel to the ground even as he fired the cone down the hallway. He didn’t have the expert precision of Brisinj, or the fast thinking of Shiloh, but he married both in a way that lent itself beautifully to movement. He only needed to be good at dodging, his homemade infrared blaster was basically miss proof.

It was a massacre. The infrared cannon froze everything in its massive, continuous cone, combining the best traits of both a machine-gun and a flamethrower. You couldn’t pray for a better room clearing device. Earl was able to clear out the entire corridor with a flick of his wrist, paralyzed salesmen drifting through the zero-gravity environment like frozen corpses after a hull breach. There was something eerily beautiful to the scene.

The effect was ruined somewhat when the drifting “corpses” started whining about rules and blatant cheating, but Earl was far too busy not listening to them to bother listening to them.

Using the floating bodies as jump-off points, he rocketed down the hall, the cone making a gentle figure-eight sweep as it cleared every point in his field of vision. Limbs froze at awkward angles, as people tried to fire from behind cover and those that tried to move for a better vantage point, desperate to make sense of the chaos, found themselves cast adrift.

It took him a little under four seconds to wipe out the remnants of sales. It took him longer than that to spot Valrose, buried as he was under a pile of four clerks.

It only took him one bounding leap to reach his friend, and two great heaving pulls to send the clerks flying off into space. Val was currently face down, and he took a moment to steel himself before turning his friend over.

No.

They’d got him. There were four dicks on his face, each from a different species, with a level of anatomical detail that Earl found both frightening and educational.

Huh. So that’s what they look like.

Val’s expression was as inscrutable as any shrimp’s, and his casual tone wasn’t helping.

“Give it to me straight Earl: How bad is it?”

Earl placed a gentle hand on Val’s shoulder. They were both men here. He deserved the truth.

“Val… There are four dicks on your face. Like, full on dicks. Dicks with veins kind of dicks.”

Val’s face twitched a little, but he kept that calm, stable tone that everyone on the station knew him for.

“I see. Earl, could I ask you a slight favor?”

It was probably the result of seeing too many cheesy war movies, but Earl didn’t think he could refuse a comrade that had, in a way, given it all in pursuit of duty.

“Anything man. Just name it.”

The temperature seemed to drop, so cold was Val’s response.

“Avenge me.”

---

R&D solved its vengeance problem the same way it solved all of its problems: By breaking its solution down into easily replicable steps and then moving on to mass production.

It took Earl only a minute to print out a halfway decent penis stamp, time that Shiloh and Brisinj spent figuring out how to act as the other’s limbs. They were far from graceful, but they could get by. With no time to lose they began clumsily navigating the open spaces, moving from body to body, a flurry of stamping, jumping, and laughter.

Earl himself spent his time getting situated in the pillbox. He wasn’t sure if he could beat the onslaught of accounting, but it was worth a shot. Even in the worst case, his goal could be to just buy time for Val’s vengeance.

There was time for two people to get stamped before the first accountant poked his head around the corner. Earl recognized his face, even if he didn’t know his name. He was a fellow intern, green as a sapling. A quick pulse of the blaster was all it took to turn him into a statue, a fate he seemed surprisingly at peace with. Even as a casualty he continued to relay information to his teammates. It seemed that he’d been chosen specifically as a sacrifice.

“Alright everyone, you’re not gonna believe this, but the lab boys actually managed to eliminate everyone in sales.”

Even muffled by the blind corner, there was still an audible wave of surprised hums. It seemed that they’d massed just out of sight, taking the slow and steady approach. Classic accountant move. Their patience and general willingness to strategize didn’t bode well for R&D.

The intern spent a few more seconds analyzing the room before relaying back even more info.

“They’re uh… they’re graffitiing the sales branch with genitalia. I can see Val, it looks like he’s been out for a while. They’ve got Brisinj and Shiloh helping each other out, but they’re both missing the use of two limbs, they’re not very combat effective. The only one that seems intact is Earl, and he’s got a little fort made at the end of the room. Hi Earl!”

Earl gave him a little wave. This was… oddly amicable. If he could pull this bit out longer, it would be a lot simpler than fighting.

“Hey! Sorry, I forgot your name. Always been bad with names. Who are you again?”

The paralyzed accountant didn’t seem very bothered by this.

“I’m Velen! The thing in your hand isn’t a phaser, so I’m assuming you made your own weapon?”

Earl’s eyes widened in alarm. Huh. Well, that element of surprise burned out real fast.

“Eh… Well… Yeah.”

He was already tucking the weapon away, but it was too late, Velen was already passing on more recon.

“Earl’s made a phaser! Lots of batteries and a large LED! It’s got a cone shaped barrel, probably covers a wide area continuously. Anyone got any ideas on how to handle that?”

Earl couldn’t hear the voices too well, but there were suggestions of various shields, ranging from using a wall of interns, to coffee tables. The winning suggestion came from a reptilian voice, recognizable by its faint lisping accent, identical to Shiloh’s.

“...I think there’s a large mirror hanging up in the lobby? We might be able to reflect the beam back at him.”

Earl considered this. If he waited here, there would be the substantial delay of them traveling down to the main docking area, then traveling back, then making their slow and steady charge. He didn’t have a good counter to it, but it would at least be a slow style of victory.

Alternatively. He could charge, right now. He might get shot immediately, he might win, hell, he might do neither and just succeed in delaying the inevitable a little more staunchly.

What the hell. He still had some fight left in him.

He braced his legs on the back of his pillbox, blasting himself out of the narrow entrance slot like an ICBM leaving a submarine.

Velen startled a little before continuing his play-by-play.

“He’s pretty fast! Hey, he’s making a run for the hall. You guys might want to pull back a little, or you’ll end up like me.”

There was the ominous banging of twenty-five points of shoes bouncing off the walls before Earl even rounded the corner. He froze, unsure of what to do, when he heard that same, old reptile speak.

“Not bad! After what happened on your colony world I thought you’d be taking things slow. War of attrition. Glad to see that you’ll gamble on victory!”

Earl launched down the hall towards the voice. The lizard that he saw was old, older than Shiloh. He’d braced himself at the edge of another blind corner, shooting a wink before launching out of line of sight.

Earl followed in hot pursuit, gun held on in front of him. The lizard was damn fast, always just a few steps ahead. Panting, he rounded a corner just in time to see a green tail whirl into the bathroom.

He grinned.

The little guy was fast, but he’d cornered himself there. Earl pushed quickly, eager to catch the lizard before he realized his mistake.

He rocketed in through the door, blaster on, and immediately realized that the lizard wasn’t the one screwing up. He was.

Mirrors.

He froze as the reflective surfaces in the room bounced the beam back at him. He drifted silently through the empty space, hoisted by his own petard, before he saw a familiar spiky head pop up from one of the stalls. Now that paralysis wasn’t on the line, the lizard’s movements were a lot more relaxed.

Earl spoke first. It was really all he could do, frozen as he was.

“I don’t actually know your name, but may I just say that you pulled this off beautifully?”

The lizard grinned.

“Ha! I’m Petrunko. I’ll take that compliment, today was probably the most I’ve used my brain in the last ten years.”

Earl tried to shrug, the suit reducing the movement to a neck twitch. He laughed at himself for trying, the excitement of the last few minutes wearing off, leaving him happy and tired.

“You sound like my boss. Get too good at your job and it gets boring, huh?”

Petrunko wiggled his hand a little, the surprisingly universal sign for kinda.

“Your job doesn’t really change, but your view of what you’re a part of does. Imagine if one of your cells became self-aware and you’ve got a good idea of what my life is like.”

Earl winced. That sounded like an existential nightmare.

Petrunko caught the expression and held up his three fingered hands placatingly.

“Whatever panic your ego has right now about feeling small and insignificant will be replaced when you get older. You’ll want to be part of something bigger than yourself. Give it time.”

Earl grinned at that. The advice was good but beyond that…

“Psh. Went from sounding like my boss to sounding like my dad.”

Petrunko crossed his arms, more amused than annoyed at the jab.

“Wonder what your dad would say about your little art project back there. Those canvases are a bit pricey for dick stencils.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, we only defaced two of them before your nerd squad showed up.”

Petrunko laughed. The noise was only cut off when a distant hum began, the ion thrusters on the hull giving some faint warning that the station was about to begun rotating again. Apparently, the other accountants apparently had seized the opportunity to finish off Brisinj and Shiloh.

The game was over. Earl felt himself gently falling to the ground, arms and legs suddenly free to move once more. Petrunko offered him a hand up, and he took it gratefully.

“Hopefully your friends got a few more with the delay you bought them. Sales has always been hard to get along with, but they’ve been mean bastards for the last four years."

Earl dusted himself off before offering a handshake. Petrunko clearly wasn’t familiar with the gesture, but he got the hang of it quickly.

“What’s it mean?”

Earl paused, processing. He was still getting used to explaining body language, to expressing so much in only words.

“It’s got a couple of meanings, but right now it means ‘You beat me, and earned my respect.’”

Petrunko concentrated for a moment, clearly trying to commit it to memory.

“I like that. I hope I get the chance to shake your hand next time, Earl.”

Earl had a moment of startling clarity: He’d just made a friend. A good one too, it seemed.

“Well, we’ll see if I can earn it. In the meantime, we should go check the other science boys. I’m curious to see how they’ve managed without me.”

Petrunko shrugged.

“I’d point out the strangeness of the newest person here trying to mother people with three, four times his expertise but… I do want to see what they managed in your absence. Come on, let’s go.”

And together they left, walking down the halls that just moments before they'd flown through.

In the companionable peace of things after the battle, Earl had one final thought:

I can't believe I wrote this off as bullshit. --- This is a loose sequel to this post: https://www.tumblr.com/inbabylontheywept/721036534229434368/so-whats-the-biggest-gun-youve-ever-made?source=share But it's not required reading. The shorts I wrote in this world aren't part of an overarching larger story, they're just borrowing characters and setting. I think the rule I'm going to follow is that hard-series get reblogs, general settings will just get notes like this at the end, showing what pieces they're attached to. I might change that later, I'm still figuring out optimal ways to use the site. Tumblr is pretty odd.

#humans are space oddities #humans are space badgers #humanity fuck yeah #hfy #space western #creative writing #science fiction #scifi #laser tag in space #mad scientist

[atomickittenland]

throwing

I have recently been exposed to the human ability to throw things I have been able to narrow down to a few main types

A lazy throw usually used to pass items

Violent throws which seem to serve no purpose other than to damage

And distance throws which seem to be used to accurately maneuver objects to places

Do you have any other examples?

#humans are space australians #humans are space orcs #humans are space badgers #humans are deathworlders