#i am... so fucking tired like oh my god

[boojangs]

#wenclair #wednesday addams #enid sinclair #wednesday #my fics #i am... so fucking tired like oh my god #when will i stop writing novels as chapters #probably never

[soullessjack]

lord knows I do not have the capacity to explain it right now but I have so much disdain for how heteronormative and nuclear this fandom is hellbent on making destiel and lord knows I have an even bigger hatred for how jack is used to fuel it.

#just say you hate actual queer men and fuck off girl #you don’t want queer representation you want something palatable and sanded down and. Buzzfeed-ified I don’t fucking know #or even just how basic masculinity is treated in the fandom like oh my fucking god. queer men are not a monolith of effeminate nail painters #I am so tired and angry and I want to fall asleep but I can’t so here you get this #cal.txt #spn #supernatural #spn fandom #fandom critical #destiel #dean winchester #castiel #domestic destiel #jack kline #baby jack #you treat cas like a diet woman and dean like he eats raw liver for breakfast and jack looks like fucking junie b jones for some reason #I hate it here I truly really do and yet I can’t leave because I also love it

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭 #ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl #but i'm so tired lmao #anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck #killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever #this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them #nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world #ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week #hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh meta #killua zoldyck #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective. #storyrambles #also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh #he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've #done the same lmaoooo #it's very sweet though :') #argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.

[dailypokemoncrochet]

Okay so we're at 623/1025 Pokemon done right now that's 60.78%, and did you know that each 1 (one) new unique crochet brings us .09% (NOT EVEN A /TENTH/ OF A PERCENT) closer to 100%. That's 402 more Pokemon to go (currently) (not including ones that have different variants/forms). That's so many. Whoa. Wow.

#text #mind boggled again about the numbers #because like. literally if there is one thing i want to do in my lifetime that i am one HUNDRED percent SURE of. it is this project #and i know that i can do it. it is a feasible task. gargantuan. monumental. long. tedious. but doable. #and also what the FUCK i have made over #SIX. HUNDRED??? OF THESE?? #AGAIN NOT EVEN INCLUDING DIFFERENT FORMS #at some point i will make an extended sheet with the different forms counted out too #but i don't think i want to do that just now or on my own because oof that's gonna be an even biiiiigger number #but oh my god i am so in disbelief of my own self. how did i do this. how do i do this. how will i do this. what. what. #i know some of yall get tired of seeing these moments but just like. this is insane. im insane. #if i had just a single dollar for every one pokemon i have done. that would be over 600 dollars. i could get a nice treat with that. #i wish this was like in school where people would pledge a penny or something for every mile you walked/ran. except for my crochets. #why cant this literally be how i make a living. why cant the universe hook me up with that. universe do you hear me?? manifesting

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

heya, i have to wake up in three hours but! here's another lil human au snippet! ft. lightly implied Laughingstock! disclaimer i am so so tired so don't come at me for typos or strangely worded sentences or missing info <3

~

Before heading home, Eddie swings by a charming little store he’s been to once or twice before. He usually goes to the chain store by his house, but he doesn’t feel like dealing with the hustle and bustle and the endless aisles. This little store is quiet, nice, and strangely has everything anyone could need. 

The lot is mostly empty at this hour, so Eddie claims a spot right at the front. As with the other times, the windows are littered with displays and stickers - half off on this, sale on that. Eddie enters Howdy’s Place with the chime of the door’s shopkeeper’s bell. He’ll get what he needs and get out, quick and easy and peacefu-

Boisterous laughter slams into Eddie like a hammer, so sudden that he jumps in place. An employee stocking cans nearby glances weirdly at him. Eddie clears his throat and hurries into the nearest aisle as the laughter tapers off. The silence barely lasts a second before loud chatter starts up. It’s too fast and muffled for Eddie to understand, but he can pick out two distinct voices - one deep, one less so but still decidedly masculine. 

Eddie tries to tune it out as he gathers what he needs. Toothpaste, some paper towels, shampoo. For the hell of it, he nabs a box of classic bran muffins from the spacious food section. He lingers for a moment, enjoying how far-away the conversation seems at the other corner of the store. Unfortunately, theft is illegal, so Eddie is forced to move towards the noise.

A strange thing about the store - it’s a combination general store, antique shop, and diner, complete with a miniature gift shop separating the two. One long checkout counter stretches from the open store area, behind the gift shop, and into the diner, where the conversation is coming from. An interesting setup, but an understandable one. It allows anyone behind the counter to move fluidly between customers and sections.

As Eddie approaches, the conversation becomes slightly clearer. 

“-said, no wonder you didn’t get her number!” the deeper voice barks, and the two dissolve into that almost-too-loud laughter again. 

As it tapers off, the other voice says, “Sounds like a real charmer! But really, you oughta be careful, Barn. One of these days someone’s gonna throw a right hook at ya.”

Eddie’s eyebrows shoot up. A transatlantic accent? He hasn’t heard that anywhere outside of real old movies and a queen he once knew. It sounds natural too, like the man was born to sound like he belongs on a 1920s radio show. It nudges something in the back of Eddie’s mind. He’s started to get really sick of that nudge.

“Oh, this guy did.”

“No kidding? I don’t see a shiner.”

“Well, yeah. I went left.”

Both of them laugh again, and Eddie feels a tiny tug at the corner of his mouth. That wasn’t funny enough to garner an actual laugh in his opinion, but it wasn’t unfunny. 

Eddie steps up to the counter and quietly puts his acquired items on it, not wanting to interrupt. He chances a glance to the side - walking space in front of the counter’s length lets him see right down into the diner.

A large man with dyed-blue hair and an interesting fashion sense is at the bar, talking to an employee leaning against the other side. The employee doesn’t really catch Eddie’s gaze, but the other man… Eddie swears he’s seen him before. He studies him from the corner of his eye, not wanting to be rude but unable to mind his business. 

“Our bouncer didn’t even get a chance at the action - the idiot knocked himself out tryin’ a second swing!” The customer says. His deep voice, wavering with humor, only adds to the sense of familiarity. Metal glints in his right ear. Eddie knows this man from somewhere.

The employee shakes his head, tutting. His busy hands polish a vintage pitcher. “I swear, you get all the crazies.”

“Makes for a good story, though.” The customer takes a sip from his tall milkshake and scoffs. “Though if it wasn’t all well-ending, amusing bull, I doubt I’d be so tolerant.”

Minutes drag by as the two keep talking. Eddie goes from patiently waiting to awkwardly trying to get the employees attention. If only there was someone else behind the counter, but the only other staff member is elsewhere, likely still stocking shelves. 

The two men are too absorbed in their little world, even though both are facing Eddie’s way. The customer has both elbows on the counter, one of them bent to prop up his chin. The employee has his hip leaned against the edge as they chat. They’re obviously very familiar with each other, and clearly deeply enjoy each other's company. 

Still - and Eddie is sorry to say, but it’s bad customer service. He’s not in a rush, but he’d still like to be on his way home. He could be fishing out the complex keys right now. He checks his phone - he’s been here for nearly fifteen minutes. Picking out the items took less than five. 

Eddie sighs, staring at the various cigarette packs displayed behind the counter. He’s never seen the appeal in smoking, but as the laughter starts up again, he almost wishes he did. He’s going to treat himself to a very long shower once he gets home. 

The store’s other employee walks behind the counter, carrying a box. Eddie lights up. Finally - she pointedly clears her throat and heads into the back. 

The constant conversation stalls for the barest moment, and he looks over. The customer grins at him for a second - lord he’s handsome - before turning that grin towards his friend.

“You’re losin’ your touch, Howds,” he teases, bringing his shake straw to his lips.

“I resent that statement. You’re just distracting.”

“Lil’ me? Distracting? C’mon, you can just tell me I’m pretty to my face. I’ll take it like a champ, I swear!”

“Ha, good try.” The employee sets the pitcher down and starts to mosey in Eddie’s direction. “Your ego is big enough for the both of us as is. One more compliment and your head’ll pop like a balloon.”

“Well, given that most balloons don’t really pop, they just kinda deflate slowly-”

“Sorry for the wait!” the employee says loudly in a glaringly obvious customer service tone. He stops in front of Eddie with a cardboard smile. At the other end of the counter, the familiar man snickers and hides his grin behind his drink. “I trust you found everything you did - and didn’t! - need.”

Eddie just stares up at him for a moment. At six-one, Eddie hasn’t felt small in a very long time. He usually stands at least a full inch above other people. This employee - Howdy, his name tag states - has several more on him.

“Uh, y-yes, I uh, I did,” Eddie stammers, glancing at his items. 

“Wonderful! And again, my sincerest apologies for the delay. My friend makes a game out of keeping me from my job.” Howdy shoots his ‘friend’ a glare with enough heat in it to make an ice cube sweat. 

“No worries.”

Howdy scans the items at an almost frightening speed. Beep, into a paper bag. Beep, in. Beep, beep - “Oh, no.”

“What?” Eddie says, dread plucking at his ribs as Howdy holds the bran muffins and shakes his head. “Is there somethin’ wrong?”

“Indeed there is! You’re making a mistake with these. They’re absolutely horrible, I tell ya - and bad for you, too!” Howdy tuts and puts the box to the side. “No, no, you don’t want those.”

“I… don’t?”

“Not if you knew better! Lucky for you, I’m here to set you straight. What you need is-” he snaps his fingers, “Barnaby, be a pal and-”

“Already on it,” ‘Barnaby’ says, appearing next to Eddie.

If Eddie weren’t already paralyzed, he’d jump right out of his skin from how Barnaby towers over him. He has to be a scant inch or so shorter than Howdy, but he still makes Eddie feel tiny. Unfortunately, Barnaby is even more handsome up close. 

“Here ya go.” Barnaby hands a plastic container to Howdy and taps it, smiling lazily down at Eddie. “I’d take his advice on this one. Those bran-named muffins may sound fancy, but they’re pretty crumby! You want muffins of quality. Real breadwinners!

Eddie can’t help a soft laugh. “Breadwinners, heh, that’s a good one.”

“Are you selling these or am I?” Howdy says, raising a bushy eyebrow. 

“Hey, I’m just doin’ what you asked! I’m bein’ a pal.”

“And I - I’m sorry," Eddie interjects, "but you’re awfully familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?”

“Eh, I’ve been around, but uh… you ever been to [INSERT GAY BAR NAME HERE]?”

Howdy clears his throat. “I’m trying to make a sale here, Barn. You can flirt on your own dime when you’re not costing me mine.”

“Didja know your nose gets redder when you’re jealous?”

Howdy rolls his eyes and shoves Barnaby in the diner’s direction. Barnaby goes with a hearty snicker. Despite the joke, Eddie thinks it has some merit as Howdy scans the final item and rings him up, considerably frostier than before.

Belatedly, Eddie realizes that he didn’t actually agree to the different muffins. Too late now. “Say, what kind of muffins are those?”

“Poppyseed-lemon.”

Eddie relaxes - that is a lot better than boring bran. “Y’know, my mother loved poppyseed-lemon muffins.”

“Did she now,” Howdy drawls.

“Like you wouldn’t believe! If baking was so much as mentioned, she’d jump right on houndin’ us to whip some up for her, or send us to go buy some. We’d never even get a taste! They’d be gone the moment they hit the air, I tell ya.” Eddie chuckles. “Took me a while to understand what all the fuss is about, but man was she right. They are good!”

“Uh-huh. Well, we have a fresh batch delivered every morning. They’re not the same type every time, mind you, but I can promise that they’re all of the highest quality.”

“Breadwinners, right?” Eddie jokes. Howdy doesn’t blink, but Barnaby snorts. He’ll take it. “I might have to come by more often, if that’s the case! Thank you kindly, sir.”

“Mhm, have a good day.” Howdy hands him the bag and strides away without a glance. The dismissal is clear as day. “Say, Barn, did you hear about the racket one of those cult crackpots stirred up at our dear friend’s tearoom?”

Eddie doesn’t catch the tail-end of the sentence as he hurries away, but he frowns. Cult? What cult? There’s a cult? He certainly didn’t hear of one before moving here, and none of his background checks had turned up anything of the sort. He hopes it was just a figure of speech. 

The door chimes again as Eddie leaves. It isn’t until he’s in his car that the embarrassment of that whole exchange catches up with him. If he had a nickel for every time he’d made a fool of himself in front of a gorgeous, strangely familiar man, he’d have three nickels. At the rate he’s going, he’ll either be rich, or he’ll have to move. 

Eddie subtly tries to peek around the store’s window displays from the safety of his car. He catches a scant glimpse of blue hair - come to think of it, it’s a similar shade to Wally’s. But where Wally’s had, to Eddie’s memory, been uniformly dyed right down to his eyebrows, Barnaby’s rich brown roots were obvious. His beard and eyebrows weren’t dyed, either. 

As Eddie relaxes back into his seat, he re-reads at the store’s name. The color drains from his face and he barely restrains himself from slamming his forehead against the steering wheel.

Oh, of course. Of course he made a fool of himself in front of the owner. Eddie can never come back here again. And it was such a nice store…

#wait wym this is almost 2k words what the Fuck! #ok! the writing gods blessed me tonight i guess! #anyway slight context - #in my mind there's a whole Plot and stuff for this au #where it starts off with eddie running into The Group™️ and meeting them mostly separately #before they all meet up and go 'hey yeah you guys ran into eddie from high school too? cool. he's ours now' #and forcibly drag eddie into their little Circle #wh modern human au #snippets from the bog #also sorry about the [INSERT GAY BAR NAME HERE] lmfao i cant come up with one atm #i want it to be wh-related and Clever #but i am not very clever on a good day and this has been a bad one! and again! im tired! #i. dont know how to tag this. whatever! if you see it you see it! #ok im going to sleep. for a whopping three hours before my alarm goes off. *less than three. Sigh. #i always do this! its like 'oh i have to wake up early tomorrow! lets not sleep at all! im feeling so creative!' #gonna go think about this au's laughingstock as i drift to sleep #FOR THREE. HOURS. #have i mentioned the three hours????

[spohkh]

GODDDDDD THIS EPISODE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD GIRL LOOK AT THIS FACEEEEEE.... hes absolutely living for this knowledge that dong soo can be so vengeful. like he was intrigued/amused by dong soo before but now hes like oh there is DEFINITELY something fucked up about that little dude and i am INTO IT... do young can see sooo clearly all of the twisted up gnarled rage inside of hds that he tries so hard to hide.. "his revengeful spirit" uggghhhhhhhh yes do young is going to hit at hds' fault lines until he bursts right open!!!! the fucking little smile on hds' face when sdy showed him the picture of moon in the car accident MA'AM? LET THAT REVENGEFUL SPIRIT RIPPPP!!!! ONLINE GAMBLING KINGPIN!!! FAST TRACK ON THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL!!!

do young is like dong soo. you freaky little attorney. take my unlovable hand in yours. lets go full no children in this bitch.

#I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE WE BOTH DIE! #evilive #brother i am fucking AAARUUUGGHGHGHGHHHH THHIS IS GIVING EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED IT TO GIIIIIIIVE #i fucking LOVE korea's criterion collection of 'aren't you tired of being nice? don't you want to go apeshit?' type shows #the devil judge... beyond evil... hell is other people.... and now evilive.... GOD YES #korea: would you like to watch another mostly kind and empathetic person go on a downward spiral into spite and vindictiveness? #me: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THNK YOU!!!!!!!!!! SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #do young is soooooooooo into dong soo .. the way he listens to him so attentively GIRL #'hiii i made your competitor get into a car accident then drugged him then framed him for assault... wna go get lunch? hehe :)' #the ONE (1) thing i beg for is please please please god let dong soo's life be threatened and do young go apeshit PLEASE #i also like that they laid the groundwork of do young's own kind of frustration/inferiority complex... #oh my fucking god its just all so good #beau watches evilive

[skitskatdacat63]

Hiii CATIE!!!!! HIII

Im pretty pretty sure people have already asked BUT HOW WAS ATTENDING THE US GP LIVE!!!! WAS???? TELL ME!! DO YOU HAVE PICS??? I know I know im late.

I ALSO HOPE YOU GOT HOME SAFE AND SOUND AND THAT YOU ARE RESTING NOW+!!!(I saw the chaos you went through im deeply sorry for you :( )

ANYWAYS HOW WAS THE RACE? HOW WAS EXPERIENCING STROLLONSO LIVE?????? AND omg did you get pics of drivers??? :00

You must must share pleaseeeeee.wax.poet

OH MY GOD ELLE SORRY THIS IS SO LATE!!! IT WAS VERY COOL!!!!! VERY SURREAL!!!!!! I've taken a week to answer this but uhhhh yes I am in fact home now 🥰 I got home at like 1 am which was cool....

First of all I have to mention this! I was fighting for my life walking thru the Austin airport(from sleep deprivation), and I had my Fernando hat on my backpack, right? Some girl comes up to me and asks if I'm going to the GP, I say yes. SHE GAVE ME A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET, I COULD'VE SOBBED 🥹 It says on it "wtf is a km", I'm still so happy

COTA was the first race I ever watched, so to be actually at that track and watch a race live there was extremely surreal! Very hot though my god 😵‍💫 I think last year it was pretty hot, right? And my brother kept sending me the temp and it was pretty okay, and then of fucking course the temp leaps up to 89-97°(31-36° Celsius btw) right in time for the gp....so that was nice(I say as I burn in the sun like a vampire. But don't worry I didn't even really tan at all 😭 I always wore a hat and a lot of sunscreen. And meanwhile my brother was literally a lobster)

(This is a long post):

So unfortunately I missed the drivers parade because my brother and I were dying on Saturday night and his friends wanted to go first thing in the morning, and we're like "we will go later actually 😊" and missed it entirely 😭😭😭 but his friends took pics of Mclaren and Aston for me!!!!! But unfortunately I havent gotten them still, so I'll have to reblog this later with those! I took a lot of pictures of the cars I took from behind the fence, which I think I've posted some of? Lmk if anyone wants those!! They're very random, I just thought it was very surreal to see the cars flying past, so I took a million.

The coolest part was definitely running on track after the race was over!!! Soooooo surreal, and so I'm only gonna post pics rn from Sunday(bcs pic limit on phone) and also I think everything else kinda pales in comparison(but of course lmk if there's anything you're interested in seeing 🤭)

Okay and did I see any drivers...? ONLY ONE BUT AAAAHHHH I DID SEE LANDO!!! Not even one of my favs but it was soooooo surreal to see him, even from afar. As you can see above, everyone standing on the fences was blocking the view 🙄, but during the podium, I was focusing my camera btwn their legs and got literally one second of Lando 😭 I think its a pretty aesthetic clip, so I gifed it!!

It was so funny, I went to the gp with my brother and friends, so all these older guys yeah. And I was showing this off to them on the ride home, and his one friend was praising me so much for it 😭😭 like: "oh my god!!!! You could put this in an edit !!! This is so sick!!!!"

Oh one other thing!!! I think I've mentioned it before but my god, my favorite f1 podiums are always the ones with confetti, right?? AND THERE WAS CONFETTI AT THIS RACE!!!

LOOK AT HOW PRETTYYYYY!!!! And so anyways, I picked up so much confetti off the ground and now it lives forever in my phone case 🥰🥰🥰 I have no other room for pics on this post(for now) but oh my godddddddddd most of the confetti were just rectangles BUT THERE WAS ALSO ONES SHAPED LIKE TEXAS!!! SO COOL!!!!! And I also picked up a bunch of tire marbles off the ground!!! And a piece of plastic that probably came off some car. It was so funny when all of us were just scrounging off the ground. My bro's one friend somehow found a piece of carbon fiber, and we're all like "how can I kill him in his sleep and steal this from him..." But no the highlight actually of that process was watching my brother sprint to the podium, but stopping and grabbing a bunch of gravel first to shove in his pocket 😭😭😭

The other two days were fun as well, but also a lot of just dying in the heat and drinking a fuckton of red bull, so there's not too much specifically to say! I really liked hearing the cars. I think if you wanna know what's actually going on in a race, watching from home is better, but hearing the cars go by and seeing them is just so fucking sick. It was so funny to see grown men be like "I think I'm going to cry hearing these cars." I was really flexing on them with "uhhh yeah I've already been to a gp already 🙄🙄"

Anyways I ended the day by breaking bank by buying my dad and myself Fernando shirts because he is of course Fernando's biggest fan 🥰🥰 and I bought the most delicious overpriced lemonade, which I only drank half of bcs my brother proceeded to accidentally elbow it out of my hand....

OH WAIT ONE MORE DETAIL LOL. On Friday, my brother and his friend were waiting in line for smth and I was talking to them outside of the barrier. I look down, hmm theres a red cap abandoned on the ground, I pick it up, it is in fact a Ferrari hat. And that is how my brother acquired a $40+ dollar hat for free. Lucky bastard....I was the who found it!

#there is my experience kinda summed up???? i #i wanted to wait to answer this until i got all the random misc photos but alas i sitll havent #but its still very sweet to me that theu took pics of the drivers parade for me 🥺🥺 #he was like “here is mclaren!!! and here is aston!!!!” THANK YOU STILL 🥹🥹 #oh fuck wait i forgot to mention a crucial detail #on the wah home from the gp my brother's tire popped 😭😭😭😭 #and im ofc chilling in the car while these three car men(horse girls tbf) change the tire #and theyre all covered in grease and i say “what a great way to end the day!' and his friend turns around anf gives me this face: 😐 #various misfortunes but it was fine!!! it was great!!!!! just tiring #OH YEAH THE KILLERS WAS PRETTY COOL AS WELL!!!!! #basically: everything was sick 😎 #except every time oscar and nando did badly and i would fall dramatically onto the ground bcs that's the type of persom i am #thank you so much for asking elle 🥺🥺🥺 #if you hadnt prompted i prob wouldve never ended up recapping it #all i can say is im incredibly lucky to have all the experiences i did this year #catie.rambling.txt #catie.asks. #*OH MY GOD YEAH ONE THIGN #*i bought a new phone beforew this gp. for this gp tbh. bcs of the camers. i think it paid off pretty well no? 🤭

[mossflower]

how many breakdowns should you have about dropping out before you seriously consider dropping out. asking for a friend teehee

#shock horror. i am not asking for a friend #turns out going to uni bc you had no idea what else to do + taking a course you’re mostly interested in bc you like space #is not necessarily a good idea. who would have thought #see the thing is if this didn’t cost money i wouldn’t be so worried. but i don’t want to keep having this breakdown and eventually drop out #in like a year’s time with twice the amount of debt or whatever #rn now i keep looking on indeed like hmm. i could totally drive trains that would be an amazing idea. driving a milk float!! so slay!! #bc i realised shortly after getting here that i do not want to do a phd which basically rules out any astrophysics jobs #my mum suggested looking at summer placements but quite frankly i need to get a job over summer if i stick with my degree bc i am ✨broke✨ #rn i’m saying shit like oh i’ll just write a book and get it published. totally feasible way to make some quick cash (delusional)(knows it) #november has been hell i do not have a draft let alone a book #and i’m tired and i haven’t had a proper meal since thursday and my room is a tip #i‘ve had like three conversations with my friends in the past fortnight and none of them lasted longer than five minutes #i was so fucking excited for uni!! it was going to be so good!! i feel bad for wanting to drop out bc i don’t hate it!! #i just don’t really like it either #god fucking damn it. this shit is worse than a sexuality crisis. at least they had zero real world impact bc i was an antisocial fucker #this is the rest of my fucking life!! the hell!!

[sophiethewitch1]

in my hater era

#sophie speaks #tw vent #like. what. what??? #i do try not to upset anyone with trauma dumping or whatever but sometimes that bites me in the ass because people assume I'm not strugglin #struggling hugely #had one of my most violent meltdowns ever recently and it was after pushing myself to do something #and you know. thats on me #but saying like #im NOT trying?? #i dont want to start any problems but oh my GOD what do you think being sick constantly does to a person #what??? #trying to be a proper adult here but i am quite upset #idk how are you supposed to deal with shit like this #express this has upset you and that you are having a hard time #but then they dont believe you?? #trauma dump it is. hope you enjoy my psychiatrists notes #like im level 2 support needs autistic. i need a little fucking leeway or i genuinely try to kill myself #i KNOW its pathetic i KNOW its weak but my number one priority is keep myself alive #im so tired #ive been suicidal for like 7 years now #my life sucks so incredibly hard and I'm in constant pain and that just #it doesnt make me willing to deal with this shit #cripplepunk core lmao #cripple and im going to kill you #this is just geniunely upsetting #i feel like i need a good cry #i really am so tired #i feel like i just dont want to do this #why am i paying for this? why am i doing this? #if im not enjoying this why the fuck would i do it

[simcardiac-arrested]

once again sorry to everyone for bringing this to your dashboards. but some of you are like, genuinely delirious. not even in a funny way. & i hope you die. i hope we both die. hand in unlovable hand etc etc

#Just so fucking bizarre to me how people can be Like This. there has to be something so wrong with your brain on a fundamental level #i can’t even laugh about this or anything because i genuinely feel pity for these people. it’s so sad to me how you’re gonna be like 20 #and then go in a niche tumblr community and create drama over Nothing. over Thin Fucking Air #like do you not have a life? do you not have college? or a job? doesn’t it get tiring? don’t you ever feel ashamed about all this #and the fact that they go and complain about the shipping and the ‘fandombrained’ people as well…. oh my god #how are you going to be TWENTY. and DO THAT. are you seriously sick. ? do you need help #just say you are homophobic and that you hate kids and go. it’ll save everyone a bunch of time for sure #anyways. as someone who has been a rain world fan since 2018. i love you embracing canon. i love you changing canon. i love you disregarding #canon entirely. i love you ships that make sense in canon & that make absolutely zero sense at all. i love you fancharacters that don’t #follow canon rules. i love you ‘cringe’ fancharacters and self inserts. i love you self shipping. i love you oc x canon shipping. #and i love you taking inspiration from designs. i love you community & i love you artists & i love you art #i love you borrowing elements and being inspired and referencing something because you liked it. #are fandoms perfect? GOOD GOD no. is every Fan perfect? no. am i also sometimes annoyed or irrationally pissed off over a ship that #i think is stupid and is illogical. Yes! i’m only human! but i can still love and appreciate the whole CREATIVITY of it all. and the whole #Fun that people are having. i love you having fun. if i don’t like it or if anyone else doesn’t like it they can just Cope #instead of hateposting about it on main and indirectly bullying people who are most likely children. or lgbt. or both #anyways. please continue doing whatever you want. The world is your oyster and you only live on earth once #everyone else can fuck off

[boxwinebaddie]

HES SO CUTE!!! i lowkey relate to him, but ill love him anyways tho!!! i wanna ask so bad abt what happened wirh him but idk if ull tell usss

assuming we are talking about the ex-cd guitarist, then...yes, ofc. i've been impatiently anticipating this day, haha. it's Very Important lore!

it's also EXTREMELY LONG. soz if it hurt your eyes...and heart, rip.

tldr; i wanted this message to be typed with a lot more flair/finesse, but my fingers are freezing from the rain and i am in...A Foul Mood. however, answering my asks, while often labor intensive bc of the detail i allocate in them, is a labor of love because i love, Love, LOVE sharing my stuff w/ you! and what's more? i live, laff, luv all of you. <3

so, w/o further ado, pls enjoy ur Nina Lore down in the crotch.

now...if we can rem(ember) what i wrote at the very ( rock ) bottom of an origin story ask that i answered like a bajillion years ago, i tried to make an Crucial distinction abt the identity of ex-cd guitarist ( scott malkinson ), who during side a of rm!part three ( aka the part of the flashbacks that feature our favorite messy band boys pre-cd, being broke boys and doing drunk degen things together ), we learned was god's sweet angel, a bespeckled, glasses-wearing, awkward nerd boy king. as well as the only og non-musician of the c.d. boys who stan, ofc, taught how to play guitar, so he could b in their silly band.

which BLEW UP one day after they were scouted by...Tenorman Records...v interesting name, yeah? ;) and were hot boy franksteined into the og lineup of crimson dawn...where sweet scott became...

Evil Thot Foulkinson :/.

which i blame COMPLETELY on the boys having to be made over and made into whatever little overblown rockstar caricatures management and specifically their Manager wanted them in.

i would say kenny was the least doctored or altered by management because they already had that bde, punk rock star quality about them, tbh, the only thing the label really did was put the skeleton mask muzzle on ken and shove our fave secretly immortal bassist to alll the way to the back, bc while they def had the innate charisma and celebrity influence to carry cd, kenny was unpredictable and a liability, stan also had The Voice & was a lot easier to manipulate. </3

after them, jimmy was probably the second least altered by tenorman records because jimbabwe was mostly just meant to fill a disability quota with the cerebral palsy and everything, he's mainly in the back with his hard asf emo-boy drum kit, but he's more Prop than person.

okay, oddly enough, rae is actually NOT the most made over member in cd because he was already our emo boy halloween king and Super stoked to be a rock star. like the person taking care of ravenstan ( and kenny sometimes ) was seriously worried about even sending the boys off to LA to Pursue Their Passion bc, lbr, it was...pretty dangerous given ~stan's little situation~ ( aka literally faking his identity and bEING IN HIDING AFTER COMITTING ARSON AND ACCIDENTALLY MURDERING SHELLEY ) plus...it's just hard to make it big in some unforgiving city as musicians. Period.

but they...did it!

but at what cost? bc...

i will say however, that stan was definitely...coerced into doing The Raven Thing because it directly conflicts with his gentler, more soft-spoken personality, my man has literally no rhythm...like, at all...and stan actually does get pretty bad stage fright, so being the guy up front was pretty nerve wracking just bc he's not really built like that.

but you know!!! he was excited!!! being a rock star, being famous and the glitz, the glamor and grandeur of everything!!! it's all very shiny. but all that glitters is not gold my friends...and heavy ( metal ) is the head that wears the the light up kraken kitty gamer headset, lmao.

moving on to lovely...lovely scotty, who, sigh, definitely had the most Drastic and seemingly fantastic transformation. because wearing gpa glasses, thrift store sweaters, old navy jeans and reciting multi-syllable medical terminology doesn't exactly scream Sexy.

quite frankly, it practically whispers, which is great when you're in the Library...but that doesn't really rock and roll with the punk rock image cd was supposed to curate so...they made scott...

into Thot.

( bOOOOO!!!! )

appearance wise, they retired the grandpa glasses and gave scott contacts, they styled his hair and kept it short ( rip the middle part ), changed his WHOLE wardrobe ( but instead of them being like raven you can't keep wearing cringey, sriracha stained anime tee-shirts, the big baggy pants and being a nasty, disgusting, boy. you, have to be HOT, lmao, they told scott something similar but it was more along the lines of scott, you can't look like a librarian, you have to look like you shred electric guitar in the biggest punk rock band in the world ) so sweaters were sleeveless shirts, his lowly sensible slacks became designer, they put ice on his wrists and made him

...Cool.

which would be less important if he were in the back like ken and jimjam, but as the lead guitarist of cd, he had to be in the front next to Raven, which meant he had to be almost as cool as raven...

almost.

because ravenstan was the front man of crimson dawn...

and scott was just the guy to his right.

which is where everything went wrong.

because raven was a personality that, like the little pants, came on when they curtain came up, but immediately came off/were replaced with a pair of giant hole-y sweatpants once he was backstage and nursing himself back to health w/ several strong shots of whiskey.

now, scott too was asked to put on a show, play up his hotshot, rockstar persona for the cameras...but long after the show was over...that mask never came off. stan rushed off stage and ripped that fishnet shirt off his body like it was made of barbed wire, but conversely, scott dreaded going from hero to zero...so he just didn't.

fame & fortune devoured our dear boy and just like that...

scott became thot.

permanently.

but before i get into this next part, i just want to say that i am a scott apologist; i understand why he did the things he did and was the way he was. again, being a celebrity is to be changed. and damaged. the weight of the world is ten times as heavy as a hundred of his pre-med textbooks. which he tossed in the TRASH, btw!!!

Dr. Scott Dropped Out Of Medical School!!!! :'(

he stopped perusing his dream to become a nightmare...smh. but i digress, scott spent his life shoved into lockers, made fun of, kept small. people were calling him names and now they were calling his name. nay, thousands upon thousands Screaming his name!!! they loved him, they worshipped him. and to someone who had never once been popular before. the feeling was as amazing...

as it was addictive.

because, again, their sweet scott was absorbed by thot...

and Thot Malkinson was a Diva. a messy manwhoring menace. a punk rock primadonna. he ordered all the makeup people around, fought for the spotlight, acted a fool & started drama Everywhere. he was obsessed with his image, and i mean Obsessed. he actually...sigh.

Went Back Into The Closet And Pretended To Be STRAIGHT to avoid backlash. he dated tons of girls, lots of celebrities, mostly to spite jimmy which was...a mess. ( i will talk about them in another post this post is so fucking long ) but he was generally being a massive d-bag with an even massiver ( ? ) ego.

tldr; the boys were getting Fed Up.

because more than just blowing them off to do photoshoots and interviews without them/talk heeellla smack, he was acting like he was better than them. he made a lot of jokes about leaving the band which...weren't funny. and being at rae's right side was starting to rlly fuck w/ scott and made him feel inferior. bc he wanted to be the star.

he wanted to be the front man.

& he thought that stan was being super ungrateful for not taking his role as the face of the band seriously wHEN HE NEVER WANTED TO BE THE FACE OF THE BAND!!! HE WAS FORCED TO DO IT!!! AAAA!

but anyways, scott was super jealous of stan's success and started to seriously resent him. he was making these really snide comments under his breath, tripping stan on stage with the amp cords n shit, playing Super Loud over his voice. like??? HELLO??? he literally pierced his nose Days after stan pierced his??? the petty olympics!

and it's even worse if you consider that stan and scott were TIGHT once upon a time. like stan was the person who'd initially showed scott the most kindness ( even more so them jimmy i think, who was put off by scott’s uptightness ) bc rae’s a weird awkward king who, ok, does fit in bc he's pretty but then just Sticks Out back out bc he is literally the world's biggest boyfail bi disaster who openly rebels against tradition.

so he gets the Struggle! he really does...as a result, stan took scott under his wing & spent a lot of time with him because ravenstan taught scott how to play guitar and was probably the most patient of the boys. kenny's very abrasive, jimmy fucks around too much, but stan is just very sweet & nuturing, he won't get mad at you. my bb.

stan AND scott were actually my awkward, soft boy babies before the fuckboyification of scott into thot, they also had a really special bond because scott was the only one of the other og three crimson boys...

who could speak spanish. <3

that was very nostalgic and comforting to stan because after the fire...speaking spanish kind of died with shelley, so stan had no one he could regularly correspond with in spanish...

( ok, obviously, when stan was working with his waitering jobs pre!cd he had some homies/coworkers he could speak spanish to, but, tbh, it wasn't super frequent and was more for utility helpful bilingual boy communication purposes -- in rm!flashbacks!p3 there is a very important waiter adjacent job stan worked that i was gonna talk abt in a diff chapter, but, what the hell? i love spoiler heaven. u can ask. )

...but he had scott...with whom he regularly Shot The Shit.

like, oh my gooooood, when i tell you stan and scott were being chismosos 25/8, smh, jimmy and kenny were ready to fight. this was cute, ofc, but the cutest part was that...scott had a crush on a boy.

who he needed to talk to someone about.

but kenny and scott were never really close. being immortal and basically an eldritch god means that he's definitely been around the block, met some very colorful characters and as a result, is a very good judge of it.

and scott, of course, is a good person.

stan actually calls scotty "the best of them" in rm8 and was well loved and treasured by all of the crimson boys -- but kenny had always gotten a...weird feeling about scott in the back of his mind. like something about him was off...like he might betray them.

but because of that personal dissonance scott wasn't super comfortable confideing in kenny, he couldn't very well talk to jimmy about his crush...ON JIMMY, so that left stan who was paitent and kind, whose ear, while intimidatingly pierced and decked out with pentagrams and things, was a very kind ear, indeed.

stan was very receptive and receptive of that sensitive information ( as a sensitive boy ) and regularly corresponded with scott about it in ~stannish- bc they couldn’t very well let the other guys hear it, right? so they’d chat away, giggling behind their hands, scott whispering scandalous goss in stan’s ear ft. the ravenstan signature santa puta madre de guadalupe & the corresponding no me digaaa sancho!

i also think stan called scott sancho por las risas.

the boys also used to call stan Stanteria because they put sublime on the bro haus playlist for when they’re kicking back on friday nights after scotts done with class/working in the OR and whenever it comes on, it’s freaking modelo time, aka time to crack a cold one with the boys, who clinking beers with their fingers covered in cheesy poof dust and fkn lime and chamoy cross faded af shouting i dON’T PRACTICE ~STANTERIA~; I AINT GOT NO CRYSTAL BAAALL!! WELL I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS BUT I’D!! I'D SPEND IT ALLL!”

pls note that they literally cannot play that song anymore bc it reminds them too much of scott :’( i am so sad...hope i die!!!

anyways, an important part of these discussions, or rather, discrushions is that stan…was never told the identity of the boy scott had a crush on. i’m laffing but they def did that thing you do in elem/middle school when you have a crush on someone and you give them a silly code name so no one knows who you’re talking abt ( i am not sure what the code name for jimmy was but i’m sure it has v shit takin school boy chismoso energies smh, but never said his name.

THIIIIIIIS IT VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!

because this info directly ties into a massive plot drop aka...

scott malkinson's 21st birthday. 12/11. better known as cd's last concert featuring scott as their guitarist.

Ever.

-uncle nina, WHO LITERALLY WROTE UP THE SCENE BUT IT GOT DELETED IDK HOW I WANTED TO SCREAM BUT JUST ASK ME ABOUT IT AND I'LL WRITE IT LATER I'M SO MAD!!! IT'S JUICY!!!!

#anyways hell is a place #sorry i havent been posting i was working on this ask #which is written hideously i hate it #i will fix it maybe i'm so sorry i'm so tired this is UGLY #LIKE JEALOUSY BABY!!!! #oh my god a mess #i am a scott apologist but he was ACTING UP #he was not being a team player he was being a HATER #a beneDICK arnold dude!!! #not scott going back in the closet i hate my life #ALSO SCOTT AND STAN WERE SO CUTE #we are a stanteria and sancho nation baby #i cannot believe this happened to me #my boys all fighting #BUT ALSO!!! ME LOSING THAT SCENE FOR MY POST #i'm so fucking mad i am depressed but that post was too long anyways ig #so idk just process this and then i'll give u that #again this is ugly and bad sorry #i'm legit mad this ask is so hideous bc it took me so long just to be the worst worded thing ever UUUUUGH #buti hope the info thrills you #i tried to be fun #WHO THE FUCK JUST UNFOLLOWED ME FOR POSTING THIS LIKE YOU ARE SUCH A HATER SKATER #me: posting weird au content #also me: how dare the nice people who followed me out of courtesy unfollow me for my weird niche content that has #nothing to do with their interests at all or reg style

[possibly-eli]

once again posting a reminder (very gently, when you consider how fucking frustrated i am) that i am anti-kff! there are otherkin terms that people can use and, instead of educating themselves on this, they actively CHOOSE to belittle and bully otherkin folks, all while being a teensy tiny little bit ableist in how they go about it. its not a "erm these people are just minding their business and they're ALSO kin anyway" NO they are NOT. they are, by very fucking definition, either 'hearted or 'link (IF their connection is genuine ANYWAYS). that is NOT. KIN. and its kinda fucking telling if you think a community whose entire existence hinges on deliberate ignorance and harassment of a group is equal to the group theyre harassing and bastardising the terms and experiences of

#am i making ANY FUCKING SENSE #i swear to GOD #"dni antikin (this includes anti-kff) no the FUCK it does NOT #because kff ISNT. KIN #JESUS FUCKING! CHRIST!!! #kff “kins” are LINKTYPES and HEARTTYPES most often (again. if theyre not just being hashtag quirky on the internet) #also please please fuck off if you use the word “k/nn/e” i dont even care if you arent kff just. please go away #im stressed as balls man i dont like having to think about shit that stresses me out and annoys me but here i am! thinking about it! #this isnt directed at anyone btw i just keep seeing “omg this character is one of my biggest kins (kff)” and im so fucking tired of it #its mainly on tiktok anyways so im kinda shouting at air but fuck off #and like even when i see other ACTUAL otherkin/nonhuman/alterhuman folks say “oh yeah i 'kin' this character for fun” #it makes me so aggressively uncomfortable cause just. use 'link' man #use 'click' or 'heart' #stop Doing That cause thats not a fucking kintype and you are contributing to the problem (though minorly compared to other stuff) #theres also this one server wherein people would act and talk about their hearttypes as if they were kintypes despite outright saying - #- THEMSELVES “oh yeah this is a hearttype” #do you know what a fucking hearttype is? #are you stupid?

[devotedlystrangewizard]

totk really is one of those games that make me go "ok thanks for the characters, setting, and general plot, but ill take it from here <3" because the entire historical timeline had so much potential for interesting and nuanced story telling but they just went with the old zelda story formula and YES thats how theyve always done it but botw was such a reset in terms of gameplay that they couldve overhauled how they handle story in totk. but they didnt

#ramblings #all the races swearing fealty to rauru made me so uncomfortable #like yeahhh ganondorf evil or whatever but also. hey. why is the one leader fighting for the independence of his people. the evil villain #am i just not getting something here am i insane #my first thought when i heard about ganondorf returning was 'wow they could turn him into an actual character' AND THEN THEY DIDNT #its been half a year i feel like the honeymoon period is over. totk was kinda mid. im sorry #it was alright but it just. didnt grab me. at all #botw was interesting because it was new but totk made me yearn for the older zelda formula #though tbh. im always yearning for the older zelda formula. i grew up on oot & twilight princess #you hype up ganondorf so much you make him look like THAT (no im still not over this) and then you just. do what weve always done #this happened in twilight princess. it happened in oot. it happened in ww. hell if you count demise it happened in skyward sword #IT HAPPENE.D IN THE FUCKING HYRULD WARRIORS SPINOFF #'oooh noooo the great evil has returned' WEVE BEEN HERE EVERY TIME. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH POTENTIAL #heres the gerudo having a man born and making him king as is their custom but they spend years in fear that he will be monstrous #here they are after all these iterations of ganondorf afraid to even have kids out of fear that SOMEONE will bring the new great evil #heres a child recently given the throne despite being barely more than a baby always treated with fear by everyone around him #ARE YOU SEEING MY VISION???? #the curse is right there. do something with it. oh my god #i KNOW zelda games are just simple heros journeys but pleaseeee i need food #you dont have to make ganondorf nice just. do something with him im so tired of the evil guy caricature #i like guys who are plain evil but i like them more when they have some fucked up motivation beyond taking over the world

[tw0starz]

hi im gonna say it right fucking now

you are not an ally if you're ignoring and speaking over queer voices trying to correct and help you know the right information.

ive been quiet for a while but a former mutual i know irl has been honestly the worst to me. i am tired of normies that are "allies", attacking queer alt people.

this person also insanely belittled my issues on a continuous, every day basis. i am exhausted.

she has also talked down and negatively about people who have committed suicide after devastating natural disasters. not listening to me telling her how wrong she was and trying to explain to her.

stubbornness is not an excuse. shut the fuck up sometimes and just listen for once.

#straight ally #awareness #cishet nonsense #the cishets are at it again #god i cant believe this has to be said #oh my god ive endured this bitch for the past few months and i just can't anymore #she told me the other day “you suck” #and i told her everyone does #she told me no #and that i just suck #and said she has friends that are way nicer and better to her #even though shes treated me like trash for the past few months #so i told her “so why dont you fucking talk to them” #i am so tired that i genuinely am keeping myself from screaming at these people DAILY.

[semiotomatics]

hahahaha i fucking hate my insurance company and i want them to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#i also hate the healthcare system!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and capitalism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my entire fucking miserable life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #holy shit i understand now why people request maid for treatable conditions #i would literally rather die than have to continue going through this torture for years just to survive #like whats even the point? whats the fucking point? #clearly none of these people care if i live or die #so why dont i just get out of their hair!!!!! #oh my god im so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and tired and hopeless and sad and fucking!!!! mentally ill!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!! #i legitimately think they want me to make an attempt #i think thats the only way theyll fucking believe me #i need to be hospitalized or committed or whatever #fuck them!!! like seriously fuck them!!!! #and then if i do theyll be like “welp she shouldve sought help” LIKE #FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU #oh my god i am FURIOUS #BIRTH IS A CURSE AND EXISTENCE IS A FUCKING PRISON AND IM OVER IT #fuck #sorry to put this on main but i am SO FUCKING MAD and i want literally everyone to know it #what do i need to do!!! #please tell me!!! #do you want me to die!!!! #cause ive been trying desperately to avoid that all this time but it seems to be the only option rn!!!! #fuck!!!! #fuck im not in danger im safe nobody needs to worry i just #god #im so goddamn fucking exhausted of this

[maraschinotopped]

i love playing. video games. <-has jusgt spent the past 6 hours playing through a steam game called outcore. it is currently 4:15 am

#I LOVE THE HORRORS!!!! (collapses dead on the pavement) #anyways my original plan was to divide my first playthrough across today and tomorrow #while i was still alone in the house #but i remembered my mom would come home around 10am adn i usually wake up at like 9-10 #so uh. i went all 'all or nothing'. #amd now i am very fucking tired. and hungry. oh my fucking god i havent eaten in 5 hours #aauugughhuh (unbearable pain) #anyways outsore is good i love giving entities access to my personal computer files. download it right now it is free on steam download now #[cherry on top]