#i can talk about my past in a neutral way and use my life experience to analyze movies

[fengxun]

NOTHING IS LOST (YOU GIVE ME STRENGTH) – FUSHIGURO MEGUMI & READER

As minimal as this may seem, you wonder if he knows how much it means to you that he came. Your days have been lonely with you feeling increasingly out of touch with everything, but everything feels fine with Megumi by your side. Or, the one where you find your way back home.

TAGS.⠀gender-neutral reader; ambiguous relationship; childhood friends; aged-up au/canon divergence; brief smoking; angst & hurt/comfort; mental health issues, talks of death/suicide ideation, implied past suicide attempts; mild gore; near-death experiences; drifting apart and coming back together. hopeful/happy ending. SFW. 3,9k words

A/N.⠀my first work after so long and it's just a ventfic LOL sorry i have been looping phoebe bridgers and lorde for ages.

CROSS-POSTED ON AO3

For as long as you can remember, you’ve always felt things fervently.

One moment you’d feel euphoric, like you’re walking on air and nothing can get you down, but then everything crumbles and you’re left as nothing but an empty husk. It’s ironic how emptiness can feel so heavy, a constant weight on your shoulders, constant tugs at your heartstrings. 

Despite all the things you hate about yourself, there’s still one part of you that you’ll always remember with pride: there is no limit to the unconditional love you can give to people. It’s taken some time for you to decide you want to live and love as much as you can. 

But for some reasons you couldn’t fathom, these days, you feel as though your love is forced. Unnatural. Ingenuine. Like it’s just something you’ve gotten used to doing passively. Like you no longer believe, like you are living a lie. 

In a way, maybe you are. The longer you are surrounded by your fellow Jujutsu sorcerers, the more aware you become of how rotten this world can get. Plagued with death, unhappiness and turmoil on every corner, and with humans repeating the same mistakes, you’ve begun to believe that this is all hopeless. You’re well aware that it’s quite a pessimistic view to hold, but in the world that you are in, you find that it keeps you grounded. A realist. 

Or, as your beloved teacher Gojo Satoru would call you, a downer.

The sound of his voice referring to you as such makes you click your tongue in irritation. There’s not much you know about him, but the bitter part of you believes that  he  of all people should at least understand how you feel. You hold your position as a jujutsu sorcerer in high regard and with honour, but as time passes by, you’ve started to contemplate if it’s even worth it at all.

You wonder if people know that you weren’t always this way — as a child, you were bright-eyed and innocent, full of love for people and the world. Growing and going through life shattered it all, making you a husk of what you once were, and even now, you still don’t know who you’re supposed to be.

You lie and you cheat, tricking people into believing that you’re independent and fine on your own, but you are lonelier than words can describe.

And just what do you live for? You’ve survived time and time again by sheer instinct and reflex, but you still don’t know what your purpose is. You fight and you risk your life to keep other people safe at the cost of your wellbeing. Every day is a task to complete for the greater good, but what’s in store for you? You’ve grown distant from your parents — on your end, anyway; it’s difficult to read people — and your once close friends rarely contact you anymore. All you have are your peers, but you still feel so out of place among them. 

The cigarette burns between your fingers as you stare off into space by the edge of the river. At the mere age of nineteen, you feel as though you’ve lived several lives, all of which have harrowed you to no end. Nicotine flows in your system as you take yet another drag, wondering if this is what your youth was meant to be. Years of saving the city in favour of feeling like you’re wanted, needed should’ve made you feel happy. Yet here you are, alone in the streets of Tokyo, all because there’s nothing waiting for you at home.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” a voice says from beside you. It’s deep and quiet, almost monotonous, but you’d recognise the hint of concern anywhere. Megumi slightly grimaces at the sight of you exhaling a cloud of smoke.

“I don’t.” With a scoff, you put out the cigarette in the ashtray and turn to face him instead. “How’d you know I’d be here?”

He frowns. It amuses you how it seems to have been a permanent expression etched on his face since you were kids. You don’t remember if you’ve ever seen him with a different look, but that’s on you, you suppose. You haven’t spent much time with him for a while now. Time ages you and your weariness distances you from those you wish to stay close to.

When he doesn’t reply, you speak up again, “I'm trying.”

“I know.” He glances at you. As blunt as he sounds, you know he means well; that’s just the way he is. He looks like he has more to say but he doesn’t, instead opting to hand you a packet of your favourite mints. Any other time you’d take it as an insult, but you find yourself getting sentimental over the fact that he still remembers what you like. 

“Thanks,” you mumble, popping one into your mouth. “Sorry, it’s been a long day.”

The corner of his lips quirks downward for a split second. With a quiet sigh, he lightly flicks your forehead, not reacting at all to the indignant yelp you let out. 

“Where’s your jacket?” he asks in a chiding tone, though there isn’t any venom in it. “You’ll get sick. I don’t want you sneezing on me.”

“You always take care of me, though,” you grumble without thinking, putting on the jacket that was previously tied around your waist. Another beat passes before you realise what you’ve blurted out. Were you being too familiar with him? You’re not sure if he still wants to be friends after all that isolation you’ve been doing. You part your lips to apologise, but he interrupts with a huff and a flick to your forehead again.

“Shut up.” The pink flush on the tips of his ears betrays the irked expression he wears. You’re not sure whether it’s because of the chilly air or if it’s because he’s blushing, but it brings a smile to your face nonetheless. “Let’s go back.”

As minimal as this may seem, you wonder if he knows how much it means to you that he came. Your days have been lonely with you feeling increasingly out of touch with everything, but everything feels fine with Megumi by your side.

You were only twelve when you started seeing Curses everywhere you went.

You’d never been the type to get scared too easily, but there was something about those creatures that unsettled you to the core. They seemed horrifically disfigured and hungry, ready to pounce at any moment, and you could only be brave for so long. You tried telling your mother and your friends only to be met with suspicious and concerned looks. 

They thought you were crazy. You didn’t blame them for that. You never believed in the paranormal, so this sudden change must’ve been quite a shock. It wasn’t until two years later did you learn what they were and that you could exorcise them, somehow like they did in the horror movies. Your memory of your recruitment is hazy, but you did remember sitting with Megumi and Gojo in the car and asking the most questions you’ve ever asked in your lifetime. Your new teacher found it amusing; your classmate, however, did not.

Your mother didn’t seem to mind sending you to a boarding school. With an elaborate lie about your full scholarship told by Gojo, she’d beamed in joy and helped you pack your bags. She’d be too busy to actually notice your absence, but that didn’t stop her from sending a message to check in on you every once in a while. At some point, you stopped responding. Not because you were annoyed, but rather, you just didn’t have the energy to.

Ironically, for a school with quite a handful of staff and students, you never felt lonelier in your life. You stuck by Megumi’s side for the sole reason that he was the only one you felt comfortable enough to approach. You didn’t talk to him much, but he was good company and you came to consider him a friend. Eventually, he started approaching you as well, and you’d spend time together like regular friends would do. It felt nice to be able to be around someone and not have to explain yourself all the time. 

In hindsight, you think it’s your fault that you’re so distant from everyone now. You don’t quite know when it all began—the depressing thoughts, the near-uncontrollable impulses, the lack of care for your safety and well-being. Every time your teachers or a peer brought it up, you’d simply dismiss it as just a ‘hormone thing’ which seemed enough to make them stop asking. Megumi didn’t believe a thing. He doesn’t have to tell you for you to know that.

But what else could you do? You’re alone, and it’s not like anyone can help with whatever the fuck is happening in your head. Your mother got you in touch with professionals to help with your troubles, and even if she doesn’t say it much, you know she’s always worried sick and thinks you should just come home. You’ve been able to keep yourself in check since then, but with the sadness now mostly gone, you now have to deal with the void in your chest that plagues you constantly.

The forest surrounding the dormitories is quiet save for the leaves rustling in the wind and the cicadas chirping their evening tune. You’re not sure how long it’s been since your last official mission. You haven’t been good at keeping track of the time for a while now. But at the very least, you know that it’s been too long.

There’s no doubt Gojo had something to do with it, you think bitterly. Otherwise, you’d be as busy as your peers right now. If there’s one thing you hate about this place, it’s the fact that no one here ever really gives you a proper reason. You feel trapped, ignored, and maybe if you were more carefree you’d look past it, but you’re not. If they didn’t believe in your abilities, you’d show them; you don’t think being the underdog is that bad, after all. Maybe they’ll finally recognise your prowess and respect you.

With your heart pounding hard against your chest, you grab your ootachi and flee, letting your instincts guide you to wherever feels the most dangerous, exciting. The more rational part of you tells you that you’re going to be in trouble if you don’t turn back now, but you find that you really couldn’t care less.

You need to feel alive. You need to feel afraid, to feel something, anything. While you don’t mind resting, you also didn’t overwork yourself to the bone just to remain stagnant. You didn’t spend weeks training with every weapon the school had to offer just to let them rust. You didn’t hone your cursed techniques only to not use them at all. So punishment and criticism be damned, you’re going to do what you want whether people like it or not.

You find yourself standing in front of a dingy abandoned shrine in the woods. Unease settles in the air as you slowly creep into the light of the moon. It’s dim, incredibly so, but you can’t afford to be afraid of the dark now —you have something to prove, and you’re not going to let yourself be intimidated by something so childish. There are blood splatters on the cobblestone steps, both fresh and dried, and your grip tightens on the handle of your sword. Your instinct to fight rears its head within your body, adrenaline and the humane need to survive rushing through your veins, but you breathe and try to rein it all in.

You have to think.

(It’s quite ironic how for someone who doesn’t give a single shit about their life, you always fight your hardest so you can live.)

You take another step. A twig snaps beneath the weight of your foot. The dried leaves crunch and rustle like someone (or rather, something) is sizing you up, keeping itself unseen to take you by surprise. Incomprehensible gargled sentences echo from within and the stench of death and decay grows stronger. Even when fear starts to wrap you in its cold embrace, you walk through the gate and into the dark shrine. Your blood runs cold and your breath gets caught in your throat, but you force yourself to face the task at hand.

You’re met with a grotesque mass of green; all of its endless bloodshot eyes leer at you as its tendrils slither in your direction. Misshapen hands protrude from those tendrils and reach for you, taunting you with the blood and entrails stuck to their skin and nails, telling you that you are next. 

Not today.

An aura of black and purple coats your sword as you withdraw it from its sheath. It’s not the best space to utilise such a long sword—the shrine is somewhat cramped and is lacking in space for mobility, much less combat —but you grit your teeth and decide that you will adapt. Electricity crackles from your blade, and without any more hesitation, you charge. Its tendrils are faster than you had anticipated; they come close to wrapping themselves around your legs until your cursed energy latches on to them and forces them to disintegrate.

The curse glares at you in fury. You can practically hear your heartbeat as you slash through its tendrils, splattering the wooden floors with its steaming blood. A guttural growl leaves the curse and the air feels thicker; it’s getting hard to breathe and your vision is starting to fade. 

Am I going to die here?

There’s a sharp pain in your gut. The sword slips out of your grasp and blood sputters out of your lips. When you look down, you realise that the curse has pierced through you.

It hurts it hurts it hurts it fucking hurts.

But you can’t die here. Not like this, not without a fight.

Shakily, weakly, you put your hands together, breathe, and with the last of your strength, you fire a powerful blast that hits the curse square in the centre, making it screech in pain. Vapour rises from its form as it melts into the ground and eventually dissipates. A relieved sigh leaves you, but then the world spins, your body hurts even more, and before you know it, everything goes dark.

You fall into nothing.

(Somewhere not too far from the shrine, apprehension crawls into Fushiguro Megumi’s system.

He doesn’t hesitate. He follows the curse residue and he runs.)

You wake with a dull ache between your ribs.

The first thing you see is never-ending walls of white. There’s a generic decorative painting on the wall along with an old clock that tells you it’s a quarter past noon. Blearily, you realise that you’re in the infirmary, and judging from the soreness that spreads through your body and into your limbs, you’re still alive.

Somehow, you’re not as happy about it as you should be.

You feel like you’ve been through hell and back. In a way, you did. You’re too tired to regret your poor decisions from who knows how long ago, and you’re not a stranger to deliberately ignoring whatever makes you feel like shit. So you do just that all while staring blankly at the wall in front of you, hoping that you’ll eventually fall asleep again and forget. Maybe even not wake up until the month ends.

(You’ve come to a realisation that you don’t want to die anymore; you just want to stop existing for a while, get yourself together then come back when you’re ready. Like pausing a game or a video being played, you don’t lose the progress, but you sure as hell forget what the hell happened earlier.)

The door slides open. You contemplate pretending to be unconscious again, but your ears pick up heavy footfalls on the tiled floor and you decide maybe you shouldn’t. 

“Hey, Ieiri-sensei,” you croak out, weakly raising two of your fingers in a peace sign. “I’m alive and moving.”

She hums, amused as she makes her way over to your bedside. “Yes, you are. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit?”

“Good. You would’ve been dead if Fushiguro-kun hadn’t found you. Can you stand?”

She gently urges you off the bed, hoisting you up by the shoulders as you try to maintain balance after being bedridden for hours. Or days. Or even weeks. You’re not sure.

“You’ve been unconscious for three days.”

The concerning duration of your bedridden state goes completely ignored. All you can think about is the mention of Megumi. 

You would’ve been dead if Fushiguro-kun hadn’t found you. 

“What do you mean he found me?”

She smiles wryly. “That boy’s been worried about you. Ran off from Satoru as soon as he felt a ‘weird pressure.’ What were you fighting?”

You shrug and wince at how stiff you feel. God, you hate this. Your legs are shaky as she helps you walk out of the infirmary and on the familiar path back to the dormitories. The school is quiet, making you wonder where everyone’s gone for the day.

“Some curse thing. Had tentacles and slimy skin. It was gross.”

“Well, that thing punctured you right there.” She gestures toward your chest. “Surprisingly it didn’t hit any vital organs, but you still lost a lot of blood. Did you exorcise it in the end?”

“I did.” A beat of silence passes. “Am I in trouble?”

“Yaga-sensei’s suspended you for a month. Oh, Fushiguro-kun. Just in time.” She helps you sit on a stone bench as Megumi approaches, his fingers furling and then relaxing by his sides. “They still need some support when they’re walking, but they’re healing quickly. They’ll be fine..”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“I’m still in my thirties, silly.” She ruffles your hair affectionately. “Be careful, hm? Come see me if there’s anything else.”

As Ieiri-sensei takes her leave, Megumi sits down next to you on the bench. His brows furrow the same way they always do when he’s thinking of how to say something nicely. He opts for silence instead, eyeing you cautiously. It almost feels offensive, but it’s only then that you’re aware of the bandages that cover essentially your whole upper body, so you brush it off. If someone else were in your position, you’d be worried sick too.

You don’t think you’ve ever seen him this visibly upset (well, for someone like Megumi anyway) over anything, and knowing that it’s because of you strikes you with a pang of guilt. With your lips pursed, you avoid his demanding look and glance at your hands instead. The bruises have almost faded away by now. Ieiri-sensei must’ve worked herself to the bone to patch you up.

“I’m not happy, Megumi.” Your throat closes up and your nose burns as the tears start to form and fall. “I’ve been trying to force myself to feel something. It didn’t matter what it was. I just hate being like this all the time.”

It hurts to cry. It hurts trying not to. Your state of mind is in tatters and you’re desperately doing your best to hold yourself together, but the way he’s looking at you makes you drop your guard completely.

“I know I’m surrounded by people, but I still feel so alone.”

Megumi doesn’t say anything. That’s fine, you think. The last thing you’d want to do is pressure him to speak his mind. He takes every word into consideration and thinks a lot by default, and if he’s still the same boy you knew all those years ago, he’d prefer to let his actions speak for themselves. 

“You didn’t have to come for me,” you murmur. “I’m sure you’ve got things to do.”

“No.” He pauses for a moment as if he’s trying to formulate what he wants to say into words that won’t feel like jabs. He huffs quietly. “I want to stay with you.”

Hearing him say those words practically has you melting on the spot, your heart fluttering as warmth rushes to your cheeks. You reach for his hand instinctively and with the slightest bit of hesitation, he responds by lacing your fingers together. 

“I’m sorry.” Your voice comes out barely above a whisper. You don’t know if it’s because you’re still exhausted or if it’s because you’re worried you’ll upset him somehow. Either way, it takes so much out of you just to talk anymore. “I’m trying.”

He squeezes your hand softly. “I know.”

“I say that to you a lot, don’t I?” you chuckle, leaning against his shoulder. I’m trying. You tell it to him every time you don’t have anything else to say, but it hardly feels true. Or maybe you’re just overly critical of everything you do, expecting yourself to reach certain heights before you consider yourself enough. 

“You are trying,” Megumi says. “Even now.”

You smile weakly. “You think so?”

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.” He lets go of your hand and your heart sinks, wondering if you’d done or said something wrong, but then he gently flicks your forehead the same way he always used to do when you were kids. “I found you bleeding out on the ground.”

“Pretty gnarly, wasn’t it?” you joke, laughing nervously. He shoots you a glare that shuts you up immediately.

“We were worried about you,” he continues, ignoring your interruption. “I was worried about you. I thought you were going to die.”

“Is this the part where I tell you that all jujutsu sorcerers die at some point?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry,” you say meekly, “I didn’t know I was that important to you.”

“We grew up together.” You feel a slight weight as he rests your head on top of yours with a sigh. “You’ve always been with me. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t there.”

It’s unusual for him to be this open about his feelings; he’s never been the overly sentimental type like you are, so to have him be this vulnerable with you makes you feel like you’re going to burst. The cool breeze passes by as you hesitantly take his hand again, and for the first time in so long, you find yourself genuinely smiling. He cares about you. He loves you, despite what that voice in your head tells you otherwise. It’ll take a while for you to change or get used to knowing these things, but for him, you’ll do everything you can. You’ll live — if not for yourself, then for him. And as slow and tedious as your path to recovery may be, both physically and mentally, you think that it’ll be worth the endeavour because you’re not alone. 

You are loved.

You are loved by him, and for now, that is enough to quell every anxiety in the back of your mind.

You glance at him. “Wanna watch a movie later?” 

Almost imperceptibly, he smiles back. “Sure.”

(You never end up finishing the movie.

Halfway through, exhaustion gets the better of you, and you fall into a deep sleep on the bean bag you borrowed from the recreation room. When you wake in the morning, you’re sore and aching all over, but the blanket draped over your frame and the arm around your waist makes you forget about it for a moment.

With a content smile, you curl closer.

He’s still the same Megumi you’ve always known.)

#all #bitchcraftinc #fushiguro megumi x reader #megumi x reader #fushiguro x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #jjk angst #megumi fushiguro x reader #tw: sui ideation #cw: body horror #? kind of. i describe a monster #cw: death #cw: smoking #yippiee

[ctitan98official]

@alexander-23 : Ok ok ok ok sooooooooooo! How are we feeling about foster kid reader who really likes plants and sculpting with model clay to make things for her plants like lil mushrooms and stuff. Larissa is fostering her and they have a day to garden and reader shows her the little mushrooms, bunnies, garden gnomes, and more they made and they make a lil garden village scene there together.

I love this! Reader, as usual, is gender-neutral. Let’s get into it!

Life has definitely not dealt you any favors. You never knew your parents or had any relatives. You’d always been in the foster system and had it rough growing up. You felt like a burden, like something in other people’s way. You try to talk as little as possible, especially to your foster parents. You don’t want to annoy anyone.

However… Your newest foster mom is decidedly different from any you’ve had before. Larissa Weems… She’s actually the headmistress of a prestigious high school called Nevermore. She not only took you in when you needed a place to stay, but was even able to get you enrolled. While the school normally doesn’t admit students in the middle of a semester, your grades are impeccable and the school made an exception. They simply had to have such a bright student. You’d never felt so… Special before. Larissa had the proudest smile on her face when she told you that you would be going to Nevermore. “We’ll get to be together all the time, darling!” She gushed.

You gave her a shy smile and nervously nodded, feeling a little overwhelmed. There’s a lot of changes happening.

Larissa has been so sweet. She cooks for you, does your laundry, and she loves to talk to you and tell you stories. While you don’t speak a lot, your eyes are wide with wonder at how good of a storyteller she is.

Larissa can see the curious spark in your eyes and knows you will one day grow up to do something great. She just needs to find a way to get you out of your shell. You’re still acclimating to your new environment, but Larissa really wishes you’d open up to her more. She knows that your past experiences color your view of the world, understandably so, but she wants to show you that there are people who genuinely care about you, herself included. In fact, it’s so strange, but ever since she met you she felt a deep connection. Almost as if you two complete each other. When she got the call that you would be placed in her care, she cried a bit. You’re just such a good kid and she only wants the best for you. She had always wanted to be a mom and you made that dream come true.

A few weeks into you starting at Nevermore, Larissa decides that you two could use some quality time together. She gets you out of classes for the day and lets you pick how you want to spend it. You’ve never had a lot of free time. You always have to fit yourself into other people’s schedules. But, Larissa’s eyes are soft with affection as she looks at you, her voice gentle and warm. “What would you like to do today, my dear? I want to make it special for you.”

You panic for a moment, not sure what to say. You shift your weight nervously, fiddling with the edge of your shirt. The idea of suggesting something fills you with both excitement and fear. You take a deep breath, mustering your courage, and finally speak up. “Um, well, I actually really enjoy gardening. It’s… It’s something I do when I need some… Peace.”

Larissa’s smile widens and she gently places a hand on your arm. “That sounds absolutely lovely. I adore gardening too. It’s such a calming activity. Let’s make it happen, Y/N.”

You can’t help but feel relieved. The fact that Larissa is genuinely interested in your idea fills you with a sense of validation. A small smile tugs at the corners of your lips as you begin to feel more comfortable. You grab your backpack that you bring everywhere and nod at her.

As you head outside, Larissa walks beside you and gently takes your hand in her own. Her presence is comforting and reassuring. She looks at you with a twinkle in her eyes. “Where do you think we should start, darling?” She asks.

Your hesitation returns momentarily, but then you remember the secluded patch of soil you’ve been carefully tending. You glance at Larissa. “I… Actually have kind of a secret garden. It’s not much, but… I’ve been working on it for a while.”

Larissa’s eyes widen with curiosity and delight. “A secret garden? How enchanting! I’d love to see it. Lead the way!”

Your heart swells as you guide Larissa to your hidden oasis. As you reach it, you show her the array of vibrant flowers that you’ve nurtured with tender care.

Larissa’s breath catches. “Y/N… This is beautiful. You did all of this yourself?” She asks.

You nod, feeling glad that she approves. A small part of you worried that she would be angry at you for using her garden planter without asking her first. But, she seems in awe of your work. She looks over each plant and marvels at how well you did.

But, there’s more to your garden than just plants. You take a deep breath and reach into your bag, retrieving the small sculptures you’ve meticulously crafted from modeling clay.

Larissa’s eyes widen in amazement as you present the tiny creations—Mushrooms, bunnies, and garden gnomes. She delicately picks up one of the miniature sculptures, inspecting its intricate details. “Oh my goodness, these are absolutely delightful, darling! You have such a talent.”

A blush creeps up your cheeks at Larissa’s words. She appreciates the things you create, the pieces of your imagination that you’ve brought to life. It’s a powerful moment of connection and understanding.

Together, you and Larissa carefully place the sculptures throughout the garden, weaving them into the natural beauty of the surroundings. Each addition enhances the atmosphere, transforming your secret garden into a whimsical village scene.

As you work side by side, Larissa’s gentle guidance and curiosity for your sculptures make you feel safe and valued. In her company, your shyness slowly melts away, replaced by a growing sense of comfort and trust.

As the day progresses, you find yourself opening up to Larissa, sharing your thoughts, dreams, and aspirations. She listens attentively, offering kind words of support. The bond between you strengthens with every word and you begin to realize that Larissa’s feelings for you go beyond anything you’ve ever felt before. She’s beginning to love you like her own child, drawn to your unique spirit and the beauty you bring into her life.

As the sun sets, casting a warm, golden hue over your garden village, you both settle down on a cozy bench. The scent of flowers fills the air as Larissa wraps her arm around your shoulder, pulling you into a loving embrace. You lean into her, feeling a sense of belonging and contentment.

“You know,” Larissa murmurs, her voice filled with maternal affection, “I can’t express how grateful I am to have you in my life, Y/N. Today has been truly special and I hope we can do things like this often.”

A smile spreads across your face and you nestle closer to Larissa. With the garden as your canvas and her love as your guiding light, you know that this relationship will continue to grow. Just like the flowers in your secret garden.

Masterlist

#larissa weems #larissa weems x reader #larissa weems x y/n #larissa weems x you #wednesday netflix #principal weems #larissa x reader #larissa x y/n #netflix wednesday #wednesday imagine

[emerald-truth]

Yesterday I watched Data's Day and it made me cry and I need to talk about it.

First of all I love that it was lowkey a slice of life episode? Like Data is just describing his normal day and some crazy stuff happens as usual on the Enterprise but it's also just like. The crew hanging out. I especially love his conversation with Worf about what wedding present to buy because it's just so normal? Everyday? And just seeing his casual friendships with everyone? And they all love each other? I love the whole tng crew so much.

Anyway, what made me really emotional was how much I related to Data as an autistic person and I know people talk about this all the time but I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN FOR MYSELF.

Right in the beginning of the episode he talks about how he used to have trouble maintaining friendships but now that he's become better at predicting other people's emotions he's become able to form friendships. And just. The whole ordeal of having to take years and years to LEARN TO MAKE FRIENDS when it seems to come so naturally to everyone else, when it seems like something that should just be easy. Yeah. But then also the absolute joy when you succeed! When you think ah yes I've finally learned to understand others enough, to do the correct analyses, to make the correct predictions, I can finally make friends! And Data is so pleased with himself just like I have been the past couple years. And the thing is! He makes mistakes still in predicting emotions! But his friends forgive him and help him understand! And it's just so??? Oh my god the happiness that comes with being accepted despite your flaws, despite who you are and what you can't change about yourself. With being reminded that you still deserve friendship and a special place in people's lives even when you make mistakes. Because even though he upsets Keiko by trying to change her mind about the wedding she forgives him and still lets him act as "the father of the bride" because she still loves him! Everyone does! Because he's so sincere! Oh my god I love Data so much-

But the thing that made me cry was one little moment when they suddenly redirect their course towards the neutral zone and Data says it's a good thing his duties can't be interrupted by emotions such as the uneasiness he might feel about such a change to the course. While clearly exhibiting signs of being nervous like tapping his fingers and glancing behind himself at the drivers. And this is something about my experience of autism that I hardly ever see in fiction. Not only do I have trouble understanding the feelings of others, I have trouble identifying MY OWN FEELINGS. I have low body awareness so instead of feeling emotions in my body I have to engage with them intellectually which means I often can't tell that I'm experiencing an emotion even when people around me can. I saw another post a month or so ago talking about how Data probably has similar troubles because his emotions don't manifest physically the way they do for humans. And just. I've spent so long feeling like and being accused of being an unemotional person because I don't feel my emotions the way other people do, so to see this implication that Data DOES have emotions even when he himself doesn't always notice them is so lovely. Just because he or I don't always feel emotions physically, and must understand them intellectually, doesn't mean we are uncaring. It just means so much to see a character who thinks of himself as emotionless be portrayed as so gentle, kind, and loved.

And then the end of the episode- Data says he believes humanity is not an inherent quality but a way of thinking and something he can achieve. And that's so reassuring. Even if I'm not human now, maybe someday I will be. And even if I'm not human, even if I'm never human, I can still be good, I can still feel, I can still make friends, I can still be like Data.

#data soong #star trek #star trek tng

[mcytcontent]

Hello.

This is my personal analysis of the recent situation about Wilbur Soot and Shelby Shubble. (I don’t want anyone to go to extremes and insult any of the streamers/youtubers)

I tried to stay as neutral as possible to write this analysis.

I also want to say that I have been following Wilbur for a long time (4 years) and in this situation I already have the right to my word. (After one comment. I follow Wilbur 4 years, not watching)

Tumblr has a limit on photos, so I divided it into parts.

I am not dependent on Wilbur, but I support him. I'm not a big fan of him at all. I stopped watching all MCYT for 2 years after the death of Technoblade, and before that I didn’t really watch Wilbur a lot.

(1/4) over parts on my profile

First I want to attach my time calendar that I made to highlight important moments for 2021-2024

Let's start from the very beginning, namely with Shelby's stream about her experience in an abusive relationship.

Immediately after the rumors began to spread, Shelby decided to delete this stream. You won't be able to find it on her Twitch channel. But fortunately or unfortunately you can view his recording on YouTube (This video has been blocked or made restricted. Unfortunately, I didn’t find another neutral recording without any additional information from the author of the video, but you can watch the stream using another link, but I want to warn you that the subsequent indications of the time of this stream in my post are the same as the original Shelby stream and not this one from YouTube.)

First we will start with the inconsistencies in the Shubble story from this stream.

I keep trying, and it's unfortunate that a lot of my dating history there were a lot of bad people that tried to manipulate or control me, but that's not to say that every person that I've dated has treated me poorly, some people just weren't the right. (3:59-4:19)

‌I never thought that I could be the kind of person to end up in a situation like I did. I never thought that could happen to me and so, for me this is important, because it could help anybody else see the signs sooner than I did. (4:40-4:55)

‌ I just thought I was so much smarter. I was like if someone ever laid their hands on me I'd leave immediately, it would never happen a second time, but it just kind of happened so slowly over time, and got worse and worse until the point where there's no way to deny, the fact that he was hurting me and he knew, and didn't care...» (30:52- •••)

The inconsistency in this case is that Shelby at the very beginning said that she had quite a large number of people who used her, but in the end she said that she did not think that she would be used a second time.

Speaking out about my bad experiences has never felt as important as it does right now, because silence has always brought me peace, and this time it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace. (4:21-4:39)

Shelby has had a lot of bad people in her life. At the beginning of the stream, she said that she really likes to share her experience, but she decided to talk about abusive relationships only now. She rarely talked about other relationships, the only thing we know from her past relationships is that her first boyfriend raped her and she dated some youtuber/streamer guys.

It took me 10 months after to heal. I spoke with multiple therapists and tried different forms of therapy. I tried sematic therapy, that one was actually really good for me. That one actually helped me release a lot of um builtup anger I was having over the last year. (5:40-6:06)

How come Shelby was in therapy and said the name wrong? Shelby said that she went to Sematic Therapy, although there is only Somatic Therapy, and Somatic Therapy is aimed at processing the reaction to fear attacks and removing them, and not at releasing anger.

Somatic trauma therapy — a psychotherapeutic approach to working with symptoms and conditions such as attacks of fear (“panic attacks”), acute reactions of grief, loss, and post-traumatic reactions (PTSD). The primary goal of SE is to modify the stress response associated with trauma through bottom-up processing.

But the most important thing is why Shelby went to different therapies, why didn’t she settle on one specific one that helped her. There may be several options, but the most possible is that Shelby was not helped by the therapies she went to.

I shared my story with a lot of friends after I started talking to therapists. (6:25-6:30)

‌I was so mad at myself, because I was lying to a certain point to protect this person, because I knew that if I told my friends the truth it make him look really bad. (7:16-7:28)

‌«... and that's not anybody's fault because I was lying and it wasn't fine, because I would go home later and I tell him how uncomfortable I was...» (from Shelby's twitter post)

‌I have though caught him in lies before, but usually it was small stuff, and I again, I didn't want to it wasn't anything that ever seemed worth rocking the boat over, which isn't normal for me, I hate lies. (16:44-16:58)

‌I ended up lying for him, but he had lied about big things and he had also been caught lying by his friends numerous times, so this is something that he feels is acceptable to do. (16:59-17:11)

‌I abandoned my personal morals, neglected friends and lied for this person.

Shelby first says that she told the whole story to her friends while she was in therapy, but then she herself says that she lied during the story to protect Wilbur. And then she claims that she went against her principles because she hates lying.

She later says that Wilbur always lied about small things, but then refutes this by saying that he lied about more important things.

He always cared more about how it looked and that was really important not what was true and it was really subtle. (7:37-7:48)

Wilbur never hid his inclinations, people just romanticized him too much because he was handsome and a musician.

When I hear about physical abuse I think of hitting and punching, so I thought that this wasn't violent enough. (7:54-8:05)

‌He's not hitting me and it didn't start as something that he did to hurt me that he did to hurt me, he had this habit of biting, which is so weird to me now, but he said that he had this habit since he was a kid and even his mom said that was true and he said it was just affectionate and that might have been. I mean, I think that might have been true maybe at the start, but I also feel that I have good reason to believe that every part of it was a lie but that's just my personal opinion. (8:16-8:46)

‌I had no problem with just biting, that isn't even the most uncommon thing, but he did mention something early that I should have taken as a red flag, and he wanted to make sure that I was okay with him biting me because he didn't want me to come back later and say that he abused me, which I thought was really weird, considering he had never hurt me before and so why would I call it abuse and why was he thinking about that. (8:47-9:16)

Physical abuse — the use of physical force and violence, beatings, assault with the aim of subordinating the behavior of the victim, fulfilling the demands of the aggressor.

Daknomania (from ancient Greek δάκνω - to bite, μανία - attraction, passion, madness) is a tendency to bite others and oneself. Over time, due to imperative (verbal) hallucinations, as well as Kandinsky-Clerambault syndrome, it can transform into an impulsive and also violent tendency.

According to psychotherapist Andrei Khavanov, the desire to bite, pinch, beat a person for whom there is an acute attack of love is widespread and seems to depend little on the cultural context. This phenomenon is called cute aggression.

«He disguised it as this really quirky part of our relationship and was so comfortable sharing it with his friends, to the point that he would do it in front of them, he thought it was this really funny story to tell and a good bit to take my arm and bite me in front of everybody until I literally shout in pain and then I have to laugh it off because I'm so embarrassed and I don't want to cause a scene in front of all of our friends and I'm sure everyone was a little bit uncomfortable, but as long as I was saying that it was fine nobody really felt like they needed to be concerned... » (10:38-•••)

At first Shelby says that Will's friends were there, but then she says that their friends were there.

«... and that's not anybody's fault because I was lying and it wasn't fine, because I would go home later and I tell him how uncomfortable I was, how much I didn't like being hurt all the time and I needed him to really stop biting so hard, I didn't like it and I tried telling him over and over again, he said this is who he is he isn't going to change those. (•••-11:40)

‌I was constantly nauseous gagging daily, on occasion throwing up, because of the pit that was in my stomach, I never told him about that, though I was going and running away quietly to throw up in the toilet and rejoin our group of friends. (13:19-13:34)

‌That's just the kind of thing that I keep repeating to myself when I'm like "But was it bad enough, what it wasn't violent enough", but I was being hurt multiple times every single day for a month at a time in a row at a time in a row, and I'm not even speaking on most...»

‌Entirely why he switched to biting my legs, so no one would think I looked abused. But he continued to hurt me. (from Shelby's twitter post)

‌My issue was not with being bit. It was with being HURT. (from Shelby's twitter post)

‌I loved him and he told me he'd try to stop hurting me.(from Shelby's twitter post)

Shelby herself hid the fact that she was vomiting because of the bites.

Shelby, when she was dating Wilbur, thought that biting wasn't that bad. And if Shelby was against biting, she would not have given him her legs. When you can just grab your arms, you need to stretch out your legs so you can bite. And as Shelby herself said, Will never hit her, but only bit her. Also, Will tried not to bite her as much as he claimed.

Other people with the same problem say that the force of the bite is difficult to control.

This is Google translation since I am not an English speaker and English is not my 2-nd language

In fact, he was telling me the exact opposite every day, he would tell me he still wanted to be together, he wanted to work on all of the problems, he wanted me at the end of everything, he did not want to break up, he made that very clear. (16:27-16:40)

Shelby says that Wilbur changed his mind every day, but she only lists what he said before, and then that he repeated it every time and never changed his mind. Wilbur also did not hide the fact that he had problems, he even promised that he would work on them.

He said that the relationship was starting to feel like a responsibility towards the end. So it wasn't a responsibility the whole rest of the time to him and he was at this point basically flaunting that he would never prioritize me over anything. I wasn't even asking for literally even the bare minimum, I was asking for so little and I was watching him give exactly what I was needing in the relationship all over the place to anybody else who just happened to ask and just wasn't me. (18:39-19:24)

‌He was never going to prioritize me over anything over anything that would give him more fame or money in fact, he said that himself, that was exactly why he was not going to compromise at all for a solution, for us to be together, because he said he wanted to see how much fame and money he could get. (19:30-19:51)

Neglect, neglect; lack of attention to someone or something, lack of proper care for someone or something.

It can also be noted that being on stage was Wilbur’s most cherished desire since childhood and giving up all his dreams for someone is quite stupid (in my opinion (surveys on the Internet also confirm that the majority are of the same opinion)).

I'm good at remembering words and especially his wording I became really good at remembering, because he was constantly contradicting himself. (11:51-11:58)

‌I now struggle with memory problems and extreme anxiety. (from Shelby's twitter post)

Shubble herself said that she has memory problems.

I didn't even want to, because I couldn't even see for such a long time after what it really was that had happened, that he had abused me and in fact we left things, as we want to be friends and he can never imagine not speaking to me again, and then he never spoke to me again outside of like a couple of exchanges where I needed to ask for my clothes to be shipped...»

Abusive relationships — relationships in which a partner violates the personal boundaries of another person, humiliates, and allows cruelty in communication and actions in order to suppress the will of the victim. In this type of relationship, the victim and the aggressor do not change places; the victim, for a number of reasons, cannot leave this relationship.

Shubble said that she and Wilbur no longer communicated or even corresponded. Shelby left Will around the time his concerts started, but she was still in touch with him. For example, her Instagram, December 15, photo with some members of LoveJoy, Quackity was also present in the photo, on the same day there was a Vine stream 22.

From there we can understand that Shelby and Wilbur were still seeing each other -> clip of the song cmwyl February 10, 2023, where Shelby present.

Later, Shelby said on the stream that their relationship ended in January 23, which completely coincides with her story about Wilbur’s trips, and the fact that they could not see each other from several days to a month.

«...I didn't block him till 10 months later because I wanted an open door still, I really thought I wanted to be his friend.

The entire time she was in therapy, she did not block Wilbur, despite the fact that he “abused” her. She also admits that she still considered him her friend.

I stayed locked in a house I had no key for and didn't even try to leave anymore. People ask why we stay, and it's so hard to explain ourselves because we've abandoned all our reasoning. (from Shelby's twitter post)

Shelby, if she wanted, could open the window and escape.

Shelby herself admits that she did not want to leave home. By house, Shubble could mean an apartment. Although this is still strange, since Wilbur, according to her, had ants. This does not happen really much in apartments, and there cannot be 2 or more baths in an apartment. It follows that Wilbur had a house, and if it was a private house, then Shelby could easily climb out of the window if he locked it, or call the police.

In one LoveJoy vlog, Shelby can be heard in the background asking Will for the keys to the house, he gave them to her, which confirms that she did not have keys to the house.

I do believe he was bottling up so many emotions and he would never talk about how he felt, I think he admit that he felt, like, he couldn't say it any sooner, like there was just no possible way to say how he was feeling sooner than the absolute last possible chance like not even a chance. (22:09-22:27)

The template on the stream confirmed that she did not know what Will was thinking, and that he was very good at restraining his emotions.

There was this one time that he pinned me down and asked me to try my absolute hardest to get him off of me and I couldn't do it obviously and he said something to make the point that he was so much stronger than me, that I wouldn't be able to fight him back. (23:25-23:42)

Shelby isn't the only one Wilbur has pushed against the wall. The most famous example is Niki. (I won’t talk about this topic because I don’t know Wilbur and I’m not a psychologist and it’s not for me to judge his actions)

He had stopped giving anything to the relationship and he said that why was, because he was just waiting for things to change on their own. (23:57-24:05)

‌He said he also didn't have the time or energy anyway to do the things that I was asking for, but then would constantly make any bit of time and energy for anybody and anything but me, and he would say he wanted more quality time, so then I would try to arrange things for us to do online, because we were long distance, but then he would complain, he doesn't want to spend all of his time on the computer anymore and then we'd be there in person, and all he wants to do is stay inside, play games on his computer, watch movie, he doesn't want to go out, and I'm not saying any of this next part to be mean. (24:06-24:44)

‌He lived in filth, I've seen filth, this was the worst, he would spill things on the floor and never, literally never, clean them up, he got an ant infestation once and wasn't going to do anything about it, because he said bugs are normal in British houses, so I had to buy ant killer. He wouldn't clean his bathroom for months and months, but would constantly complain about how bad it smelled and I would tell him that's mold. He complained about being tired all the time, too which, I don't know if that was a lie or not, but mold will do that too, but he would insist that it wasn't somehow without having cleaned in months, but it's not mold. (24:45-25:36)

Mild depression is characterized by the presence of several symptoms over several weeks or months. In this case, patients often experience a feeling of fatigue, insomnia, loss of interest in life and activities, bad mood, and decreased self-esteem.

2021, Fundy`s vlog, Wilbur's house - bathroom, 2:49 minutes. From the footage we can see that this is Wilbur's personal bathroom. Only that the window in the next room was broken and a piece of wallpaper in the bathtub itself was torn off.

In 2021, Wilbur also began coming to therapy.

When I met him, he was washing his clothes without detergent, just wasn't using that at all and I don't know for how long before I met him he was just running it with water and then hanging it on his filthy kitchen cabinets, and I felt bad, because I felt like he needed someone to help him learn how to be cleaner, I thought he just didn't know how and I listened to all of the struggles of his upbringing, and I was like, he just doesn't know how, someone just needs to show him. (25:39-26:08)

Negligence — a form of violence when the vital needs of a person that he cannot provide on his own are systematically ignored.

Wilbur also said that when he lived with his father, he slept on the same mattress on the floor with his dog, did not bathe too much and slept in his school uniform.

But not more disrespectful than not even saying my name. I believe I am referred to as "ex girlfriend" so if you don't know who he's talking about, you might not find out what he did.

From the outside it is clear that he does not want to touch on this topic on the entire Internet; if it is discussed, then it should be discussed in person in front of each other. Also, at the beginning of his tweet, he wrote that those who read this probably know that they began to accuse him of abuse. And who could not know about this, if it was literally in the top search results on Twitter for several days. Moreover, this spread so much that even some Chinese began to insult Wilbur without knowing the full situation.

If Wilbur had started addressing Shelby on a first name basis, he would have also been confronted about why he was so careless about her name after all.

Of all the possible options, Shelby chose to make it public that she was abused and gave too obvious hints about this person to the entire Internet. She wanted to take revenge on the man. She clearly said it herself

«...because silence has always brought me peace, and this time it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace it feels like my silence is not keeping my peace, it's only keeping somebody else's peace...»

She directly said that she wanted revenge. And in the end she just got hyped, and in 11 days with 967k she got 1m on her YouTube in a 10 year career.

The company that presented the Shubble merch went bankrupt, and as a result, the merch still has not arrived to some people who have already paid for it.

Shelby’s fans also started spamming everywhere so that people would support the YouTuber with subscriptions rather than words.

⬆️ screenshot taken on March 29th. A month ago, Shubble had 469,705 followers.

#wilbur situation #wilbur soot #shelby shubble #analysis #shelby situation

[vigilskeep]

HARKER!!! How do you create and develop your OCs!!!! Your brain is so big!!!!

Whenever I make characters, I have a hard time getting past the surface level and really understanding what makes them tick. WHATS YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS? I am full of admiration.

honoured u think so!!! um Advices

when it comes to viddy game characters. make ur oc a product of the world and centred on the game’s main themes/conflicts. for example, dao has main themes like duty, vengeance, and sacrifice, so those are all good choices for what your character is About. bg3 so far seems to be about agency, bodily autonomy, power, and what it costs to achieve those things, so you want your character to be in dialogue with that. get that done, and congrats: everything in the game is now about your character and their journey personally! all quests & side quests will echo you and your character will have unique perspective on them

don’t be afraid to make the ‘wrong’ choices, or, more specifically, don’t rush into choosing the ‘right’ one. instead of thinking about the objectively best way to resolve a situation from your uninvolved position as the player, let your reactions be personal. your character isn’t always going to say and do the unbiased neutral best thing and that’s good!!

first of all try to think about your character’s frame of reference for it. everyone has a sort of reference library of experiences which they can use to interpret new circumstances. games are your friend and will usually try to help you with this; for example da2, a game in which your characters always has siblings, has a lot of sibling-focused quests that your character will have a unique take on. but it can be much simpler; what does your player character notice about an npc? do they have something in common? is your character physically stronger and bigger or smaller and weaker? what does your character assume about people who talk a certain way? how does any of that make them react to them? etc. etc. keep track in your head of how the location and enemy types make them feel too. my poor hawke had an ongoing anxiety meter to represent his dislike of real danger to his allies especially from darkspawn, and the more overloaded that was, the more rash and aggressively i would let him react. that was a fun way combat could affect other gameplay; for instance i fully killed some npcs that i could’ve let go, specifically because they’d knocked out one of my people in a fight

when getting into backstory try to sort of reverse engineer why they act the way they act? people tend to behave in certain ways because those are the methods that have gotten them through their life. what are the strategies that have helped them survive? being aggressive? being charming? following orders? staying on the sidelines? lying? and then you can sort of create the environment that encouraged them to be that way. (this doesn’t always mean complying with what the environment valued/expected/wanted of them; often defiance is what people needed to do to get through it with their soul intact.) that’s good for getting a little under their skin to see what makes them tick as u say

uhhh what else. try to be aware of their physicality and the way they look and move and how that affects others’ perception of them. how tactile are they and how much do they gesture? basically think about what comes across when you look at a companion talking and figure out what they get when they look at you. for example, i have a very tactile hawke and i typically imagine a lot more of that casual physical contact when i’m doing companion conversations, and a lot more imposing physical aggression when he’s talking to people he doesn’t like. obviously this requires you doing a bit of imaginative work on top of the game visuals but i believe in you. it just makes them come alive a bit

that’s my kind of... standardised method... more generic advice: people don’t have good or bad traits they have traits which are good or bad in extremes and sticking to a trait whether the consequences are good or bad is often fun; don’t be afraid to be bitchy or aggressive when the occasion calls for it, you often get a lot more life out of this and if you can love a companion for it they can still love you; try maintaining “in character” priorities during combat or when just walking around and figuring out what they’re noticing; sometimes making a big decision that seems “out of character” is actually character-defining because you discover what makes them break from their usual nature

i hope that helps?? that’s how i do things anyway :)

#this is a long but you all know me and what to expect

[knifedog-machina]

Dogs As Narrative, Through The Lens Of Abuse Recovery

J: so I got into the Archetropers’ Guild discord server, saw a prompt, and immediately started writing answers because wow talking about myself is fun, I need to do that more? definitely a more informal essay than the last one, I really just copied it from discord!

Content Warning: mentions of past abuse, but it’s pretty vague and has a hopeful swing to it!

I identify with dogs, as a dog, in the metaphorical sense of like - a dog as shorthand for a beloved tool? Being a bad actor's attack dog, being used and abused, biting the hand that fed and hit you. Dogs in the way they're used in vent art, as a metaphor for loving and trusting the wrong person.

But I also identify with dogs as beloved companions, as sweet and loyal and playful and loved. I know people who adore their dogs even if they came from horrible circumstances and have bad habits from abuse, and like - it's a narrative identity for me, something that ties together very different parts of my life, the before and after.

Like, yeah okay, I'm a dog. I unquestioningly love and trust people I care about. Of course an abuser took advantage of me, I didn't know better, and she promised to love me but she wouldn't even comfort me when I was scared of the rain. But also, there are way more people in the world who love me and want me to be happy, and that's good to remember as I recover and heal and grow! Calling myself a dog means accepting the way I adore people as a neutral to positive trait, instead of becoming a paranoid mess who refuses to be vulnerable again.

I don't know how much it's a species thing, because whenever I try to picture myself as a dog it's more like the shadow of a dog, pricked ears and bushy tail and all black, no detailing. I feel Wrong about picturing myself as a more realistic dog, instead of an artistic rendering of a black dog - like for dog photography to Resonate with me, it cannot be someone's candid pics of their pet German shepherd rolling around, it has to have some kind of message intended for use, otherwise it's like. That's a normal dog! I do not identify with you, normal dog, you're very cute but that's it. You’re unrelated to my life narrative!

And I don't generally feel the need to introduce myself to people as a dog when new people hear about me, because that feels like it's more personal? like hey, I’m a dog, you wanna know why? It's The Traumas! I’m open enough about it, but I don’t want to be pushed into thinking about it, and sometimes alterhuman spaces grill you about the origin of your identity too much for my comfort? I’m talking about it now because I want to, not because I’m being pressured into sharing.

I say all that, but I do really like cultivating my doggish traits, because they're kind of just things I like already - exercise, chewing and biting as a stim, play-fighting, getting scritched, curling up in a little ball to sleep. And sometimes I like giving myself phantom ears or tail or fangs for the expressiveness of them. I feel perfectly complete without them, but I like having them sometimes! They're fun!

And I don’t know if it just has to be an archetrope? I can describe it in other ways! Poppy (@aestherians) coined a term on rair website, here, about something being an alterhuman simile if you relate to it so strongly because it reflects your lived experiences, and I think I could call dogs my simile just as naturally as calling them my archetrope. It's a useful word and I haven't seen it around much!

#jude talks #personal essay #archetrope #alterhuman simile #alterhuman #fictive

[sophieinwonderland]

i was scrolling r/SC and its weird the mods are saying you arent responding to their modmail responses and claiming you are "threatening sub members". I have seen no evidence of this anywhere.

Ive seen the odd claims that somehow you are only citing older DSM sources because it "supports your narrative" but then they dont read the criteria for how vague it actually is. Nothing you have show has supported the sysmed claims and I have a degree! I've studied this for more then 6 years and I'm licensed! It's vague for a reason.

The mods there seem to think that our life should revolve around them just because I sent a message to them asking them to remove a post mentioning my name and age. I have asks in my box, and other posts I want to make. I got what I wanted from that conversation, which was proof that I reached out to them to ask them to remove comments naming me. I might respond further if I find the time and the interest. But I haven't yet decided.

As for threatening members of the subreddit... I really have no idea what they're talking about. If anyone there has received any actual threats, it wasn't from me.

I think either they're making things up, or are taking some sort of statement that I'll continue to post about their hate sub as a "threat."

I don't have any idea what they're talking about with citing older DSM entries either. I rarely discuss the DSM, and when I do, it's almost always the DSM-5.

I prefer the ICD-11 as my go-to source, as it explicitly acknowledges that you can have multiple "distinct personality states" without a disorder.

Furthermore, most of the published papers researching and acknowledging endogenic plurality that I cite have all come out within the past decade.

Varieties of Tulpa Experiences: 2016

The Plurality chapter of Transgender Mental Health: 2018

The ICD-11's Boundary With Normality for DID: 2019

Exploring the Utility and Personal Relevance of Co-Produced Multiplicity Resources with Young People: 2021

Conceptualizing multiplicity spectrum experiences: A systematic review and thematic synthesis: 2023

It's just a body: A community-based participatory exploration of the experiences and health care needs for transgender plural people: 2023

And many others.

Practically the only time I cite the DSM is when debunking people falsely claiming the DSM says you need trauma to be a system.

Otherwise, I generally don't consider it that relevant. It never claims you need trauma to be a system. It acknowledges possession states as real phenomena. And the existence of criterion C implies you can meet the other criteria without a disorder. But I feel there are better sources out there to use.

Like you say, it's vague. Despite leaning towards the existence of non-disordered and endogenic plurality, it doesn't go far enough to make it valuable for me.

I'm certainly not going to use older versions of the DSM as sources.

But yeah, there really is nothing to back up their claims. I've been asking anti-endos for years for even ONE single peer-reviewed paper stating that you can't be plural without trauma or a disorder. Just one.

Because I can name countless reputable psychologists and psychiatrists who have made it clear they believe in other forms of plurality in peer-reviewed papers from reputable publishers. I've seen others who are open to the possibility but seem neutral for no other reason than the fact their specialization is in trauma disorders, and they don't deal with people who aren't traumatized or don't have mental illnesses of some kind.

What I have never once seen is a single anti-endo provide a peer-reviewed source stating that you can't possibly be plural without trauma. And I mean this with any wording. It doesn't have to say "plural" or "system," as long as it communicates that this is the only possible way to have multiple self-conscious agents in your head.

See, for example, how the creators of the theory of structural dissociation have said in one paper that "self-conscious" "dissociated parts of the personality" may be involved in mediumship and hypnosis.

In the years I've been asking for this, not one person has been able to link to a peer reviewed source where a psychiatrist or psychologist has stated the opposite.

All they have on their side is The Big Lie. I've talked about this recently. Just repeat a claim over and over again until people believe it. Claim the experts support and agree with you, and you never need to source any of those non-existent experts. That's what r/systemscringe, and sysmeds in general, are depending on. That their members will be gullible enough to just accept whatever they say.

#syscourse #pro endo #pro endogenic #psychology #psychiatry #science #plural #plurality #multiplicity #actually plural #actually a system #system stuff #sysblr #systems #ableism #sanism #r/systemscringe #hate group #hate groups #pro science

[leodatcat]

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ Gunpoint ⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊

Cassidy x Gender Neutral reader Pronouns used: you, they/them Words: 1654

˚　　　　✦　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 　　　.   　　　　 　　*　　 　　✦　　　.　　.　　　✦　˚ 　　　　 ˚　.˚　　　　✦ 　 ˚　.　　　　 　　 　　　　 ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖✶ ✦　　

It was your first mission with the overwatch agent Cole Cassidy. Before that you two were acquainted, greeting each other in hallways, hanging out with others in the lounge sometimes and cracking jokes here and there, nothing more.

But now, you two were signed up for the same mission. You were sitting on your seat in the orca, waiting for the pilot to land the ship. Cassidy sat across from you, maintaining his peacekeeper. You looked over to Cassidy.

He was an interesting man in your opinion. You didn't know much about his past, he was an ex criminal and also part of Blackwatch before it disbanded. But that was it.

You had joined Overwatch after the recall, doing a little bit of vigilante work. When you heard Overwatch was back, it filled you with hope. You worked more and harder, the attention of the people caught onto you very quickly, until you had found a letter in your mailbox with the Overwatch logo on it.

That was when your whole life changed. For the better.

Cassidy looked over to you as he noticed you staring. His sudden movement into your direction brought you back from your thoughts, and you quickly looked away. The cowboy didn't comment on it. It was quiet in the orca, the only noises were the air outside and a mechanical hum coming from the ship.

"Are you excited?" The man asked you. You didn't expect him to talk, so it took you a few seconds to process the question. You grinned slightly. "Yeah, sure. Now I can see for myself if you are the good shot you claim to be."

Cassidy looked offended, playfully. "What do ya mean!? Everyone says that!" He exclaims. You chuckled.

The speaker in the airship rumbled before a voice echoed through it. "Shortly we will reach our destination and land near the operation area. Please make sure your seatbelts are on correctly and hold on for the landing!" The pilot stated, and you made sure of his orders.

The landing went smoothly, without problems and with your weapon in your hand, you left the airship next to Cole. You let him lead the mission, after years of experience he knew a bit better how to do things. You weren't inexperienced either, but you felt safer this way.

It took you a few minutes until you've found your way into the building, but you went unnoticed, which was great.

The two of you were sneaking around crates and big boxes, staying in the shadows as best as you could. No one had seen you yet, and you wanted it to keep that way. Unneeded attention just made everything more difficult.

Cole peeked around a corner to check if it was clear; it was. He directed you to walk first, giving you a sign with his hand. You quickly walked around him and the corner. Cole checked behind and then followed you. When he rounded the corner, he stopped in shock.

You were standing in the middle of the hallway, a man behind you holding you tight and a gun at your head. Your eyes were big as you looked at Cole with a helpless expression. It happened too quickly, you were grabbed, and before you could realize this, you were held at gunpoint.

"What the heck!?" Cole exclaimed angrily as he processes the situation. "Let them go!" He demanded and got out his own gun, his peacekeeper. The man just chuckled. "And let you go? No. There is a big reward waiting for me if I turn you in. Bonus points for this pretty thing here. You and the rest of overwatch have destroyed enough plans, this will end now as I take matters into my own hands."

He tightened his grip around you, and you whimpered, his fingers digging deep into your arm, his own arm around your chest to keep you there.

"They ain't nothin' to do with this!" Cole disagreed. But you knew he was wrong, as much as he knew. You were a well known part of overwatch by now. You couldn't fool anyone, let alone your enemies.

"You are funny. I like you." The man said with a grin. Said grin disappeared as fast as it came, when he added: "Now get going. This direction." He pointed at the hallway where they had come from, pushing you forward. Cole stood still, still having his revolver in his hand.

"Do I have to repeat myself? Walk. And put your gun away. You wouldn't want them to get hurt, would you?" The man said, looking a bit angry by now. He wasn't patient, Cassidy thought to himself. One wrong move, and he could regret it, for your sake.

"Am I speaking a different language? I said, Gun away!" He aimed his gun at your head again, threateningly. Cole grumbled but complied, slowly kneeling down to put his gun on the ground, standing up again. He didn't take it easy if people close to him were threatened or hurt.

Especially you. He didn't want your first mission together to end in a disaster, and here they were. Cole promised himself to protect you. He knew you were able to fight for yourself, maybe not right now but usually yes, so he wasn't that concerned. But you were still a good friend of his, and seeing you like this made him angry.

If you ever came out of this situation alive, which he would make sure of, he had something to tell you. And he wouldn't chicken out this time, like the few times before. This time he would do it.

He liked you, very much so. The cowboy always loved when you two spent time together, which wasn't as often as he liked because of missions, and when Jack assigned them on a mission together, he was happy. Two things he liked the most combined, that's great!

The man continued to push you forward, and slowly you walked. Cole followed, the man making sure he had an eye on both. After a few minutes of walking down the hallway, you suddenly stopped walking and before the man could say something, you stomped onto his foot as hard as you could.

Your captor cried out and released you. Cassidy's eyes widened, he tried to react as fast as he could.  He pushed you away from the man and used the moment of surprise and yanked the gun out of his hand. The Cowboy shot into his leg. He didn't want to kill him, just make sure he wouldn't follow you.

"And this is for ever layin' a hand on them!" Cole yelled and punched the man in the face. Another yell escaped him, and he fell to the ground, where he remained laying, blood pouring out of his wound and nose from the punch.

Then he grabbed your hand and began running through the hallway, making a few turns left and right and pushing open the door that revealed the outside. The brunette pressed a button on his communicator, sending a signal to the orca to get picked up.

Cassidy didn't care about the mission anymore, he declared it over. He had to make sure you were alright. In a moment of silence, the cowboy turned to you. "Y/N... Are you alright?" He asked you, worry deep in his voice as his eyes scanned over you. You were still a little shaken up but fine.

You nodded. "Yes. Thank you..." You mumbled and without thinking more of it, you leaned against his chest for a tight hug. He understood and put his arms carefully around you and squeezing you slightly. The pressure he put onto you was calming and comfortable, completely different from your enemies touch.

You closed your eyes and enjoyed the moment of safety. "I'm sorry we didn't finish the mission. I was hoping it... I didn't want...." You stammered. You felt bad. Bad for getting captured. You wanted to show him what you were capable of.

But now you felt like you disappointed him.

"Y/N, no... Don't apologize. You did nothin' wrong. In fact, I'm surprised. If you didn't act like that earlier, I don't know what would have happened. You did great." Cole said calmly with a small smile. It took you a bit to process the praise, and you just hid your face in his chest, not knowing what to answer.

Cole mumbled something you didn't quite understand. You lifted your head up to look at him. "What?" You asked quietly. He struggled for a few seconds.

Then he closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

"I said... I love you."

What?

He saw your confused look and began talking again. "Yes, I.. I love you. I was too scared to tell ya. But when I saw you there, with that gun against your head, I knew I gotta tell you. Before it's too late." He stopped speaking and looked at you, with hope in his eyes.

Happiness filled you and a big smile appeared on your face. "Are you serious!? You are serious! Oh my god... This might sound weird, but I've felt the same. I just couldn't build up the courage to tell you... I love you too!" The smile on your face slowly spread onto his, and he tightly wrapped his arms around you.

You couldn't believe this... Since you joined overwatch, you had a thing for the cowboy. You have always found him attractive. And that he felt the same towards you was almost too good to be true.

You leaned against him, softly laying your head against his chest and listening to his heartbeat. It felt like you were made to fit into his arms. Warmth surrounded you.

"I will not let anythin' like this happen to you ever again. I promise."

˚　　　　✦　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 　　　.   　　　　 　　*　　 　　✦　　　.　　.　　　✦　˚ 　　　　 ˚　.˚　　　　✦ 　 ˚　.　　　　 　　 　　　　 ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖✶ ✦　　

I hope you enjoyed! I want to get into writing again, for months I'm in a big writers block and hopefully small little prompts help me get back into it! If you have anything you want written, just submit something and I will see what I can do, I can't promise anything though :)

#cole cassidy #jesse mccree #cole cassidy x reader #overwatch cole cassidy #overwatch x reader #protective!cole cassidy #overwatch 2 #cole cassidy angst #slight angst

[tfp-enthusiast]

Perhaps another cons x teen femme bot 🙏 with any cons you’d like + shockwave!

Tho she isnt really innocent compared to your other post, she’s been affected by the war with struggles of isolating & depression etc. I imagine though the cons are tough they’d all feel something for her, she grew up in the war and didn’t get to experience the good they were able to :(

Con's X Teen!GN!Bot!Reader

[I'm happy that you liked it anon! I love the idea of the bots/cons having to care for a sparkling/teen and becoming attached]

[I may make an real series of this when I have my Inbox clear/mostly empty because I don't want to have yet another thing that I promise but don't work for months on *looks at the neutral bot AU*]

You where born in the middle of the war with only your carrier there for you. Considering the fact that you where probably the first generation born in the war you where treated entirely different that the ones before you.

You where trained to fight and defend yourself, your carrier was by your side every step you took, and while you where a very powerful young bot you still where just a child.

You already lost your Sire, it was only a matter of time until your carrier would die too, therefore was it the best decision, made by your carrier, to put you in a stasis pod and pray that you will wake up at a safe place and find a new family.

Soundwave

He learned of you because he sent Lazerbeak

He was a little surprised, not that anyone could see, when he saw such a young bot and impressed when he saw how you fought against the vehicons

You where still a little confused but used your size to your advantage but get caught by a group of vehicons at the end

When you first met him in person everyone was confused and a little creeped out because the both of you just stared at each other

Soundwave had to watch over you because you seemed more happy when no one talked with you

After some time and in private you would talk with him over the last cycles and sometimes about your 'childhood'

He thinks that it's a little sad that you only had war in your life until now and shows you pictures of cybertron before everything went down

Soundwave doesn't actually think that there is much wrong with you other than the fact that you seem to have some depressing thoughts when you think about your sire and carrier but Lazerbeak is your best emotional support ever

Shockwave

Meets you only because you get sent to his lab so Megatron can know what you could be useful for on the ship because you weren't trusted to leave the Nemesis at first

He grew relatively fond of you fast because you where very silent and only spoke when needed

He never even thought that there was anything wrong with you, sure you grew up in the war but that's how it works now, he only got a little curious after you spoke with him one day over your past

Over time you grew comfortable around Shockwave, and the other way too, and started to open up more

When you where helping him with inventions you where allowed to talk, unless he said something about it, and sometimes you would talk about what it was like when you where on cybertron

This led to him asking Soundwave for a special folder on your datapad of cybertron before the war which you where allowed to look at when you had free time or trouble slipping into recharge

While he is not the best at motivation he can be a good listener and thanks to his nature you know that when he says something he means it and for you that means a lot

Predaking

When you meet Predaking you have been on the Nemesis for a little while and where trusted not to run away so you where allowed to roam freely

While Megatron and the others where trying to find out what to do with a young bot like you you found yourself on the outside of the ship

You, like everyone else, saw a predacon for the first time in your life and even though you where a very mature bot for your age you still had some childish curiosity in you

So you approached him with caution and somehow you came there every cycle

When Predaking transformed for the first time you witnessed it and he could see your expression on your faceplates finally without having to guess what you feel

You just stood there like: O.O and tackled him with a hug

He was so proud of you for showing your emotions to him

He knows how you feel and helps you find out everything you can about cybertron before the war

There where many times where you, instead of Starscream, where with him and the both of you searched through the databanks to know more about cybertron

Often you both would fall into recharge while Predaking is curled around you, no matter if in root or beast form, and you would loosely hold an databank with pictures of cybertron while it still stood and was alright

Knockout

He learned about relatively early considering he somehow always knows the latest tea

You got sent into the medbay because of your little crash landing

First meeting was a little awkward, Knockout tried his best to get you to talk and is worried that you are just like Soundwave

When you are sent to him because it was needed to lear what you could be useful for, and they needed more medics, both of you internally dreaded the meeting

Over time you got used to each other and you actually had full conversations when you where alone

Knockout became some sort of therapy for you because he sees that you clearly got issues because of your past and the war you have almost every second cycle a 'therapy session' of sorts

Knockout loves to tell you about cybertron and even gets some videos about the different places across the planet

Breakdown

He was the first one to meet you actually because he was sent to investigate the crash and look for the bot that could be in it

Because you didn't know him and you learned to keep distance you kicked him into faceplate out of reflex

You met him soon after you get brought to the ship again and quietly said your sorry for what happened

Considering he's the most sympathetic bot on the ship you stay around him for the most part

That obviously doesn't go unnoticed and Megatron decides that you will just go wherever Breakdown goes

You both talk a lot once you get comfortable and Breakdown feels really bad for you and tries his best to give you what he had when he was still a young bot

This causes you to vent to him since he is the one bot you trust the most

When you can't recharge you often go into the medbay because Breakdown is almost always there and if not his habsuite is almost directly next to the medbay and you are always allowed to enter

On nights where you can't recharge and spend with Breakdown he often tells you about cybertron and his childhood memories

#tfp x reader #tfp decepticons x reader #tfp #tfp breakdown x reader #tfp shockwave x reader #tfp soundwave x reader #tfp predaking x reader #tfp knockout x reader #teen!bot!reader

[ober-affen-geil]

Ok so having just started the Murderbot Diaries series by Martha Wells I was going through the Murderbot tag here and noticed 2 things. 1) people yelling about respecting Murderbot's canonical and consistent touch-repulsion but not really supplying any alternatives and 2) at least two pieces of art of what seemed to be people attempting to either respect (charitably) or get around (uncharitably) Murderbot's touch repulsion by having it "link" or "hold" pinkies with someone for comfort.

As someone who is....not exactly touch averse or repulsed but certainly touch neutral (it's not something I flinch from but it's also not something I seek out or really enjoy) I thought I could provide helpful insight for both points: namely, "here is how someone who doesn't enjoy touch would prefer it to be substituted because humans are pretty touchy feely and getting your brain around someone genuinely not enjoying that is tough" and also "this is why touching just pinkies is not the loophole you think it is".

Keeping in mind this is more meant to be for fic reference, but if it helps with insight for real life that's great too. For clarity, this is based on my experience which is mostly for sensory reasons and is not in any way trauma related; others may have different experiences.

I will start with the pinkie and why that's........super not great actually, because it will help get into the headspace which will help with "what to actually do instead".

The thing is, linking pinkies as a substitute for holding hands, which seems to be how it's being used here, does not "get around" touch aversion because it's not enough contact to "set it off". It actually does the opposite (for me). Now I have to be hyper aware of how much my pinkie is curled, how high am I holding my hand, how far away from my body is my arm, does it feel like I'm pulling on *their* arm or hand or pinkie, is my hand sweaty, do I have an itch, I can feel my joints creaking as I struggle not to move too much lest I dislodge them...etc. If the point was to offer me a point of contact that was small enough for me to be able to not notice it too much? It failed. Badly. I'd rather have a full body hug.

Linking pinkies doesn't work as a loophole because it fundamentally misunderstands the main source of the touch aversion: concentrated hyper awareness of the body. The smaller the touch the more tightly concentrated the awareness is, and the worse it will be. It's also a non-standard kind of touch which means there is NOTHING to go off of in terms of what is wanted from you, aka its a very difficult touch to "perform" (yes I'm talking about masking). Edit: Also! Your fingertips and finger pads are *designed* for sensory input! And are a part of your body that is nearly almost always uncovered! Which means a) practically GUARANTEED skin to skin contact which is Worse and b) congrats, you picked one of the few areas on the body that is Designed To Tell A Person They Are Touching Something.

What a touch averse person would prefer, if you wanted to offer comfort or convey affection, is to first and foremost *not to ask them to perform for YOUR comfort/frame of reference to begin with*.

Words of affirmation, a simple hand gesture (such as placing your hand over your heart), literally just asking them if they want to talk, sitting in silence with them (engaging in parallel play), or perhaps offering a blanket/comfy clothes/food are all much better ways to actually offer a touch averse person comfort or intimacy while also still respecting their boundary.

Actual "loopholes" in (my) touch aversion include incidental contact that doesn't last and is ignored/meaningless to all parties (such as brushing past someone or being in a crowded space), the "mom" override (when I know someone really needs physical comfort in that moment which, tbc, is doing fuck all for me and is entirely about the other person), and functional necessity (such as medical attention or grabbing someone to help them up or keep them steady). (In case anyone was keeping track, Murderbot has shown all of these "exceptions" to my knowledge.)

I just. Hope this helps with understanding the mindset instead of just being beaten over the head with "respect touch aversion or you are ableist" because i do understand its hard to wrap your head around. But we deal with it so frankly, you can deal with it too for a change.

#Murderbot #the murderbot diaries #Touch aversion #Touch repulsed

[things-about-cars-in-posts]

So I had my dad talking to me about cars today, telling me how I should basically avoid getting any cars except those made by Japanese companies because of how shitty other countries manufacture their cars (mileage and life span)

Do you have any thoughts on this? I don’t know much about cars and I thought of this blog while I was having this conversation so that’s why I send here

Do I have thoughts on this. Do I have thoughts on this. Babygirl (gender neutral) I have thoughts on aspects of cars you wouldn't even conceive of. I have thoughts on aspects of cars that aren't even real. Up the ante, folks! Ask me which cars are most bisexual!

That aside, for my opinion: Italian food is good. But of course, when I eat out in Italy, I don't go to any random place because "this country does this well", because I'm not ordering from a country, or a region, or a city, but from a specific joint - and some of them suck, some dropped or rose in quality, some are exceptionally good/bad with certain things, hell, some serve foreign food and then what's the adage matter now! That's why Yelp doesn't have country reviews.

Much the same, Japanese cars are usually pretty reliable, but Nissan spent the last two decades making a case against that claim (especially with their CVT transmission, a known ticking time bomb they've done fuck all about for years) with the help of whatever's left of the shell of Mitsubishi, and Infiniti is just the luxury brand of Nissan so ditto for it... indeed, another point to make, some cars are just based on, or outright are, cars from other brands. Infinitis are built by Nissan, and usually based on the equivalent Nissans. Except the QX30, which is just a Mercedes GLA - which probably was part of the same deal through which Mercedes got to sell the Nissan Navara as the X Class.

And there's a lot of cross-nationality brand partnerships like that, past and present, like the four-decade-long Mazda/Ford one, or the time Saturn had such a crappy engine they had to get Honda to give them a proper one. And by the way, the guy who posted that? He owns a different Saturn which took 360k miles of bare minimum care like a champ, because reliability can vary wildly within a lineup, and also a Volkswagen that's been a thorn in his side, which definitely wasn't the experience I had with mine, because mine is over twice as old, and a brand can completely change over time too! (You'd think they were run by people or something.)

In fact, reliability changing over time and models is the norm - not as drastically as, say, "older German cars were unstoppable tanks and now they're overly fit-prone electronics messes where everything is costly to buy and dastardly to replace" (which, however, is actually a notable trend), but usually in terms of "in this model, through these production years, this component was overly keen on failing" (as per my Accord post). Part of how Toyota (and by extension its luxury brand Lexus) rightfully earned its reputation of King Reliability is such cases in their production being especially few and far between, and none notable enough to become an automotive meme like Subaru head gasket failures (and no, the Camry dent doesn't count). So, say, Hondas may not be less reliable, just a bit less consistently so (but even there, Honda interiors tend to hold up much better than Toyotas', yadda yadda yay for nuance).

So if you are buying a used car (as you should) it's always important to research for potential common problems (for instance, pre-90s Toyota frames are to rust what the letter X is to Elon Musk) and thoroughly inspect the car, to check that nothing is broken and that it's been properly serviced.

That last part is very important, because reliability is not a tickbox, it's a spectrum, and a function of how a car was built and how it was maintained. Carelessness will kill any car sooner or later. Every car has fluids that will at some point need changing, wear items that will at some point need replacing, and the occasional part failure. Even yours. So even when it comes to your car, keep up with that stuff, or it will eventually catch up to you. (And if regular services would tax your finances, look into how to perform them yourself - you'll find it's a lot easier than you thought, you'll give it a shot and it will be very rewarding and save you a lot of money!)

And also, if a hinge starts squeaking, if something starts sagging, if some trim breaks, if you get a dent or scratch, take care of those too. Not because they make your car work less or worth less, but because they foster an indifference that snowballs into neglect. Working on those little things will keep you feeling like your car is nice and your loving effort is going to keep it nice, dammit - in much the same way as it's important to take care of yourself and your environment for your mental health, to keep yourself feeling like you are making it and with your loving effort you are going to keep making it, dammit.

Links in blue are posts of mine explaining the words in question - if you liked this post, you might like those!

#i am genuinely so sorry for how long it took me to get to ya #i just spent ages perfecting this #writing and looking into a lot of things I ended up trimming and such #hope you like it! #japanese cars #maintenance #infiniti qx30 #mercedes cla #nissan navara #mercedes x class #toyota #lexus

[gendercensus]

On how useful the data is for people in non-English-speaking countries

Someone put some good tags on the original promotional post so I'm going to copy-paste them here and talk about that a little bit.

#even though im not so sure about the way data about people who live their everyday life in nonEnglish speaking countries is being collected #like idk i really don't think that data collected from people who don't have to use English every day #and only have to think about some situations hypothetically bears the same weight as data collected from people who use English every day #i just think that the language we choose is based on our every day experienceand this survey doesn't really take it into consideration??? #like idk what's the point of collecting data from people who don't function in the English speaking world every day #if you are not going to consider the variables that make this experience with English different #than the experience of people living in English-speaking countries #like my answers are 99% affected by the way i interact with people online. #and honestly not even 1% by how i interact with people irl #so like idk the word queer or dyke or faggot is getting more popular for example #but what does it really mean? nothing if you don't consider the context in which the word is being used #i grew up in a country where these words carry no negative weight bc nobody uses them #so for me the word queer is neutral and positive and it's not because it's reclaimed etc #but because bad words are bad because we learn to view them as bad through our experiences as we grow up #and when i first learned this word it was in a positive context #so yeah i can identify as queer but isn't it WAY different than people who identify as queer in the UK or in the US? #so idk maybe it's a serious accusation but it feels so anglo-centric #so like yeah you can get results that say that 'queer' label is getting more popular but it's an empty result #if you don't consider the context

So yes, this survey is not a representative sample. It's a self-selecting online survey promoted mostly via social media, which means the results mainly reflect the memberships of the big social networks. That's younger people and very online people.

And yes, I only speak English proficiently, and I am incapable of running a multilingual survey for a lot of reasons beyond that, which I talk about a little bit in this other blog post.

The survey invites participants to enter their country. It is true that there are many countries where English isn't the first language or isn't an official language, and the data for those countries is probably a bit sparse for this reason and may not be useful! I allow people to enter any country, because how do I choose which countries should be removed? And if I remove those countries from the list, are people in those countries just not allowed to take part? In every country there are communities of immigrants and native speakers of languages not native to those countries.

But anyway. That's part of why I ask where people live - so that for the countries where English is the predominant language, the data might be more useful than not. Even then, for a specific country, the data is still mostly people who hang out online, on social networks where trans people tend to hang out.

so like yeah you can get results that say that 'queer' label is getting more popular but it's an empty result

But not for countries where queer is a well-known and emotionally loaded word, right? And the gender census survey results can be filtered to show only results from a specific country, so that is potentially useful or interesting or meaningful.

And for this bit:

i just think that the language we choose is based on our every day experience and this survey doesn't really take it into consideration

It is true that LGBTQ+ people's preferred language is shaped by the language they use every day, and if you don't speak English AFK in your day-to-day life you won't use those words for your identity in that specific AFK context.

However, if someone uses the internet regularly (e.g. uses queer-friendly social media every day), that is an everyday experience. If they see and understand the promotional posts and read the survey and understand the questions and have meaningful responses to input, they "function in the English speaking world" enough to be able to participate. The internet isn't a fake made-up thing, we're all speaking to each other, we're all real people having real social experiences online. In a way, the internet is like the whole world without borders, and this is a survey of the people in this giant international text-based nation who speak/type/read English. So as long as you're aware that you're looking at data from that context, it can still be useful.

[ Take the 2023 Gender Census survey here ]

#meta

[rriavian]

Shipper Tag Game

Tagged by @seiya-starsniper <3

What ship were you completely obsessed with as a teenager, but now you don't care about anymore?

I don’t think there are any actually! I’m pretty consistent and will usually circle back to a ship every couple of years 😊

Which ship would you consider your first one?

This is tough, I don’t think I actually remember. Though I think last time I answered this question I mentioned Lord of the Rings because of Aragorn/Arwen

Your first fanfic was about which couple?

My secret anon identity means I can’t answer this honestly – but the first one I’ve written without being anonymous is Corintheus

Do you remember the first couple you saw fan art of?

Long long time ago so not quite sure actually, might be a ship from Harry Potter

Have you ever gotten into ship discourse?

Nope! I try and stay away from it—though I never hide my opinions, I just don’t really engage too much in ship discourse. People are always going to have differing opinions over pairings, and I’ve seen it get very ugly in fandom spaces.

Did you use to have any NOTP or have one currently?

Oh I have a fair few, but usually they are ships I was previously neutral about. Some of them are also things I've previously shipped. My NOTPs are pretty much all results of a not so pleasant fandom experience, so I don’t really talk a lot about what they are. I’m a multishipper so the only time I actually have a NOTP is when a ship is overwhelmingly represented in a way that I just can’t get on board with.

Who were the last couple in the last fanfic you read?

Corintheus 😊 which is definitely what I’m most known for haha, so probably not a surprise

Currently, do you have any OTPs?

As I said…I am a multishipper, and I’ve never really had an OTP. It’s not a concept I really resonate with? Especially with fanfic because for me it’s all about the exploration of possibilities, and I can very much ship multiple things at once. I care more about interesting/well executed characterisation and well written relationship dynamics.

Is there any couple that, to this day, that you are extremely mad about not getting into?

Not really, because if I’m not into a ship in at least some way (or neutral/open to the possibility) then there is usually a very, very good reason.

Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they're kind of interesting?

Hmm. Maybe Desire/Unity? But it’s not that I ever really disliked them, more that there are some obvious consent issues within it that initially made me not really consider the ship too closely. The more I see others exploring it the more I’ve found them interesting 😊

Do you have any ship that, in the past, would have been considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

I don’t think so actually! Though I’m probably forgetting something

What is your favourite crack ship?

Ooh I’ve read a lot of bizarre stuff. Hmm. It might have to be a certain ship that @writing-for-life introduced me to (if you know what I’m talking about it will need no further explanation haha)

What is the couple you read the most fanfics about?

I’m still anon in a lot of fandoms so I can’t actually answer this question too honestly. I haven’t actually been reading that much recently (very focused on writing at the moment)

What do most of your ships have in common?

Equality…in some fashion they are each other’s match. Which sounds like a strange thing to say for Corintheus but it doesn’t necessarily have to be in physical strength/power.

I also ship a fair few ‘enemies to lovers’ ships. Probably for the above reason! It’s the intimacy of it I think. Also the complexity, I like ships where the dynamic is compelling but not necessarily easy to pull off in a fic, because that usually means more thought is put into the execution of it. If that makes sense? And I am very much all about the execution when I read/write.

What do you absolutely hate in a ship?

Butchering characterisation just to play out a binary sex dynamic. Mostly this presents as overt feminisation of the one character who is designated to be ‘weaker’ for reasons both untrue and usually very offensive. Which sounds harsh but it’s something I utterly despise. Folded into this is also one character ‘fixing’ the other character, especially when this involves that character giving up something important/integral to who they are. I see it so much in published fiction as well and it’s just not for me at all.

I also really don’t like it when unhealthy behaviours are romanticised (usually to ‘fix’ one character) or miscommunication when it’s not something silly like accidentally buying your partner the wrong type of coffee because you were so tired you misheard a word.

#shipper tag game #thanks for the tag! #this has been in my drafts for ages! #so sorry I'm late!

[childofwonder]

I finished The Path :D

Quick character and song analysis for Cal Roberts, Hugh Dancy’s character. So spoilers obvi but also TW! Sexual abuse, trauma and violence will be talked abt in this post.

When I was getting close to the season three finale I had listened to Two-Headed Pt. 2 and had the connections thrown in my face. Neutral Milk Hotel has always used religious or spiritual imagery in their music which is so fitting for a show about being in a cult. The way Jeff describes relationships and trauma, how he puts them all together can be healing and a little scary as it is a very raw look at the horrors of life. It reflects the way a victim may respond to their own trauma once they have started the healing process. This song reflects Cal’s experience as Jeff reflects on his family and childhood and the use of fatherly imagery.

As Cal’s story unfolds it’s revealed that he is a victim of childhood sexual abuse and it’s explored quite extensively. Cal isn’t fully aware of the abuse and has it is slowly revealed to himself and others. This trauma effects every aspect of his character and the relationships he forms within the cult. He believes that he has had something so important to him taken away and that if he can be the leader he can take all that damage back. This position of power he is so desperate for is to strip Steve of his agency (even after his death) which he believes will help him overcome this pain. Cal also believes that the darkness of those who hurt him is who he is and not the reflection of what happened to him and the adults who let him down. He has lost himself in this darkness.

In the season three finale Cal has reached a bottom. Eddie is going to reveal the secrets of Steve and the movement, exposing the abuse done to Cal in the process. Cal cannot see a future past this point and spends the episode planning a suicide attempt. He leaves the mother of his child two letters, buys a gun and goes to the hidden cave with painted flowers which he knows no one else knows about except him and Sarah. After finding the letters, Mary calls Sarah and begs her to help find Cal and she explains his plan. Sarah rushes to the cave to find Cal with a pistol preparing to take his own life. It is dark at this point and they are completely alone. Up until this point Sarah and Cal hadn’t been interacting much. In season one their childhood relationship is rekindled and in season two Sarah becomes co guardian of the light with Cal, leading the cult together because Cal had dug a huge hole for himself. To lead alone he probably wouldn’t survive but with Sarah she would be able to conceal his crimes (he kills someone, oops) and keep up the facade that Cal and her were “chosen”. As they continue to lead Sarah discovers more and more of Cal’s secrets, she comes to despise him. They also end up sleeping together and getting together during season two which doesn’t last very long because Sarah discovers that Cal had an unhealthy relationship with Mary and that she was pregnant. (I can not tell you how worried I was that Sarah was going to get pregnant) all this to say that Sarah is very important to Cal. They both really loved each other and their relationship had fallen apart. Sarah starts to leave the movement during season three so her and Cal never get a chance to reconnect till this point. Sarah talks Cal down very slowly and reassures him that the darkness put inside of him is not who he is, that he isn’t what those people did to him. He believes that putting it to an end will make it go away but she tells him it won’t. He starts to cry saying he wants to be over it already and he hugs him. He drops the gun and goes back with Sarah. The impact of this trauma has left Cal directionless and his only option is to stay with the cult. He sees it as home and wants it to change for the better and be apart of that change. He joins Eddie and Sarah as they continue the cult at the end of the episode. The show doesn’t get a fourth season but they wrapped up Cal’s storyline enough to give him a new starting point.

Cal’s original motivation for leading the movement is that he is the son of Steve and that Steve had promised him that he would lead in his absence. Cal takes this a step further in season two to try and strip Steve of his influence and placing the importance on who comes after Steve. Not only does Cal want to take away Steve’s influence and power to give it to himself, but he wants to prove that he is the rightful Son of Steve. His whole childhood he had been taken away from his alcoholic parents so the only father he knew was Steve. Steve even alludes to thinking of Cal as his son. When Eddie confronts Cal to tell him he’s the chosen son he is broken about it. He knew that he had lied about being chosen but it must have stung to have it confirmed that your abuser and the god you believe in chose someone else rather than you after you had been subjected to abuse, which he believes makes him worthy of being leader.

Cal has a confusing number of love interests and partners throughout the three seasons but the one who is most significant is Mary. She is the first one to approach him in a sexual manner and he consistently goes back to her. She disclosed to him that she was abused by her father as a child and that she is vulnerable and damaged. Cal not only can relate to that but takes advantage of that. Knowing that she has an interest in him and that he has power over her, he continues the relationship with her to extremes in secret. Cal and Mary’s relationship isn’t really abusive. He definitely has a position of power over her as he is her CULT LEADER but he never hurts her and restricts himself with her every time they are together. This early on shows how Cal has a victim mentality to sex and relationships. He struggles to be intimate or let others touch him and usually is acting on sexual impulses. The relationship between Cal and Mary has heavy marriage symbolism in season one and two, Cal encourages Mary to form a relationship with another cult member she met early on. Cal become jealous of Mary’s affection towards him so he jealously sends him away. After Mary angrily confronts Cal about him sending her bf away she realizes his feeling for her, he goes to get her bf back. When he’s brought back him and Mary have some struggles but Cal encourages them to move forward together and get married. On the night of Mary’s wedding she goes to Cal again. This is the first time they actually have sex. She goes through with her marriage to her bf and then discovers she’s pregnant. Right off the bat in season two it’s hinted to that the baby is Cal’s and after being abandoned in the woods by her bf Mary gives birth. The cult finds her outside of the compound with a newborn in which it is revealed that it is Cal’s baby. Then they begin having a real relationship for awhile. They start living together and raising their son but still never get married to each other. Cal never commits fully to Mary but takes on the role of father with a great amount of pride. During season three Mary and Cal have a scene together that I think shows how much Cal actually cares about her and in someway himself too. Mary gets a urge to make Cal “feel good” and Cal stops her to ask her how she would want to be touched. She’s thrown off by him asking the question so he asks again in a clearer way and they have a gentle scene together. Whenever they had sex it wasn’t violent or abusive. It was usually passionate and gentle. In the end Mary has much more control over Cal than she has over him because he is always putting himself down and Mary is just learning to build herself up. It’s an interesting progression and in the end Mary is better off. She becomes independent of Cal and the cult at the end of season three giving her a hopeful future. The lyrics “Two-headed boy, she is all you could need. She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires.” Reminded me of their relationship as Mary is the one person Cal comes to love and connect with most deeply throughout the series, she gives him his son and helps him connect with the trauma he had forgotten. Also in the first episode of season two which hints to Mary carrying Cal’s baby, he eats a tomato from the garden on the roof which I find funny.

Two-Headed boy Pt. 2 has imagery that reflects some of Cal’s story and matches the story of his life. Him coming into the knowledge of his abuse and his son, him finally connecting with people who love him and those he cares for. The lyrics “Love to be with a brother of mine” reminds me of his relationship with Eddie. How they are both orphans brought into the cult, just at different times, and how they were treated so differently. Cal being able to reconnect with Eddie in season three was really heartwarming. He isn’t really trying to be brotherly with Eddie but it happens naturally that he doesn’t notice it. He trusts Eddie and even helps him which is so different to the way Cal was with him in season one in which he’s trying to gain control over Eddie and steal his wife. Also “Brother we are one in the same” which highlights cal and Eddie’s reflective relationship.

In season one Cal and Eddie return from Peru at the same time and their conflict starts almost immediately. Cal has a relationship with Eddie’s wife Sarah because they grew up together, Cal and Sarah’s first interaction in e1s1 is him subtly flirting with her. Sarah had chosen Eddie over Cal and it sets up a competition between them. They are constantly competing for the love of Sarah, Steve and the cult.

In season three while Eddie is running the cult he keeps Cal close by at first only accepting him back on conditions. As the season goes by Cal proves himself worthy and Eddie begins to trust him again. At this time Cal knows abt his trauma and is in the process of initially working through it. When Cal uses the HC (it’s a thing from the show but it’s basically restricting breathing by using ropes) in the painted cave he confronts his trauma with Steve. The tighter and tighter he wraps his belt around his body the more Steve suffers infront of him. Steve at this point is dead and the person who is actually inflicted with the pain is Eddie. He comes to understand Cal’s pain and trauma because he can feel it. He can feel all the trauma as Cal restricts himself and understands what had happened to him. This connection between them is linked by Steve. Steve had chosen Eddie as the son and they became connected by the lightning that strikes them and Eddie clearly has some psychic abilities when he was having visions of the future so it really isn’t a far fetched idea. When Eddie comes to Cal to let him know that he now knows what happened Cal is shocked that he figured it out but he also accepts that he was the one who told him. Eddie had already been treating Cal differently at this point but after this they are more brotherly than ever. They work together, give each other advice and Cal even supports Eddie as a leader, he sees him as family. When Mary leaves Cal for defending Steve on tv, Cal tells her that he wants to stay in Meyerism because it’s the only home he’s even know and now he feels that he wants to stay and be connected to the people he loves. He doesn’t want to lead it or take it away from Eddie, he just wants to continue to help it grow. He wants to have his family.

These parts of his story reflect the song A LOT. Cal’s journey from broken boy to evil leader to broken man is all there in the show to see and the song felt so similar to the person Cal gets to be at the end of the show. By the finale he is stronger than he had ever been, he has a family and people who love him and want to protect him. He has gained so much of what he deserved as a child and now gets to raise his own son better than he was. It’s a very beautiful story. Even though Cal pissed me off A LOT it was a really beautiful story to watch unfold. I really had no idea his character would become so complex and complicated but the execution of it was amazing. His story was handled with care and thought which left room for him to grow and evolve from this arrogant liar to a trusted friend. There are even more details that I could connect to the song but they are all kinda obvious if you watch the show. Jeff’s writing style has always been spiritual and religious which is simple enough to connect it to this show but Two-headed boy pt. 2 really speaks to Cal as a character and his journey through childhood trauma and self acceptance.

#the path #the path hulu #hugh dancy #neutral milk hotel #Cal Roberts #spoilers #song analysis #character analysis #HEU #hannibal extended universe #I only am putting that there because Hugh and Raul are in this show and they only interact once #literally will and chilton went on national television to debate if the evil cult was actually an evil cult

[50shadesofjayden]

Is this the end or just beginning

This became a lot more than I expected it to be. It's 4.1k words long, and yea, just yeah. This is the bigger story of my Prisoner of Your Eyes fic. If your interested in it you can read either one first.

Paring: Gareth X gender neutral y/n. No physical descriptions 😊

Synopsis: Y/N takes mushrooms for the first time with best friend Gareth. Eddie and his girlfriend (y/n’s other friend) trip sit. Angst central with a cute morning after.

Same thing as last time. If you need to talk about anything, feel free to message me. I have been an addictions/mental health/housing worker in the past. My messages are open to everyone, and if I've fixed them properly, the anon option should be on. Take care of yourself and enjoy some angsty but cute Gareth. Enjoy!

TW: 18+ please! Drug use, y/n is high, but there isn’t any negative side effects to them being high. There are signs of anxiety and some self-loathing/self-hatred thoughts. Angst, a decent amount at that. Eddie has a girlfriend with a name. Ignore the name if you want. Swearing. Lmk if I missed any.

"We could do it together." That phrase has been on your mind for the last three days. Three days of trying to avoid Gareth as much as possible was hard when you have all but one class with him, sit at lunch with him, live on the same street as him, and he's your best friend. It had been three days since Gareth had suggested you could try taking shrooms together. 

You hadn't really thought it through when you brought up trying the shrooms in the first place. It just kinda came out of your mouth before you could stop it. Eddie had been talking about new drugs he'd gotten from reefer Rick. You had no interest in LSD or coke but shrooms. You'd always been interested in them. Your cousin told you about her experiences with them. It seemed like fun; honestly, you just wanted a break from life. Mind-altering drugs seemed like a good way to escape the world. You didn't really think anybody would take it seriously. But Gareth had. 

"We could do it together." But, of course, Gareth meant it in a good way. You knew he wanted to support you. He always supported you. Gareth had been your first real friend after you moved to Hawkins the summer before grade seven. That quickly turned into best friends in grade eight when he told off Tommy Hagan for making fun of your Blue Oyster Cult shirt. Then, in grade nine, you realized that you were falling hard for your best friend. Two and a half years later, the crush had knocked you on your ass. 

"We could do it together." He meant it in an innocent way. But god, you wanted it to be far more than innocent. That simple sentence had been going through your mind for the last three days. Whenever your mind drifted, it went to those five words every day. You could tell Kolby, your other best friend and Eddie's girlfriend, was sick of having the same conversation with you. Every time you had the conversation, she kept telling you to tell Gareth you have a crush on him. But it wasn't that easy. 



You huffed as you shoved the cafeteria doors open, making a bee-line towards the Hellfire and friends' table, the friends being you and Kolby. You took your usual seat between Gareth and Eddie, leaving Kolby across from you and open seats for the rest of the club once they showed up. You could feel Eddie's eyes looking between you and Gareth a few times before moving to Kolby's. You decided to ignore them both and took a bite of an apple you'd taken from your backpack. Your mind started to wander back to those five words before you snapped yourself out of it. 

"Will you trip sit?" The words stumbled out of your mouth quicker than you had hoped and had been directed at Kolby. You felt Gareth stiffen beside you as the words caught his attention. "Ozzy wannabe what do you say? I'm sure as shit not doing it on my own." "Please." You tacked on at the end. 

You loved Eddie; you really did. Your little quad, plus Jeff and some of the younger Hellfire kids, were people you considered family. If Eddie was a stereotypical family member, he'd be that weird, slightly dirty-minded uncle everyone loved because they were family but also knew that something was wrong with them. That's not to say he's creepy; Eddie Munson is anything but creepy, despite what the majority of Hawkins High thinks. It's more because you never knew what would come out of his mouth. And his dirty mind didn't help. Needless to say, your jaw almost dropped when he let out an excited "Fuck it, why not."

"Uhm, so, Friday or Saturday night? I don't want to see anything that isn't there while we're in Mrs. Clarke's English class; it's already scary enough with her teaching." Gareth piped up this time. A grin crossed your face as you knew he wasn't exaggerating. That woman was genuinely terrifying. You nodded at Eddie, who apparently both of you had decided was all knowledgeable in drugs. Although to be fair, out of any of your friends, he was the one who had the knowledge. 

"Your parents are still away, right?" Eddie asked you. "Mhm, back on Wednesday." You confirmed. "Okay, yeah. Friday night, y/n's house, you two are buying movies and food as payment. Gareth, bring comfortable clothes. Kolby, you wear as little as possible." He finished, resulting in a groan from Dustin and Mike, who had just sat down. You tried to keep a laugh to yourself, as you were used to hearing Eddie say far worse. 

"Wanna make a snack list." Gareth's voice was loud enough only for you to hear. You were sitting together in English, Eddie and Kolby in front of you. It had been a hell of an argument with Eddie for him to give up the beloved back row he'd been sitting in the last two years, but totally worth it. It gave you and Gareth more leeway from Mrs. Clarke, which was perfect for times like this. "Please." You answered. 

"Dr. Pepper and Doritos." He began. You quickly wrote them down and hummed at him to continue. "Sour candy and iced tea for Hellfire's reigning queen." He faked gagging at the nickname Eddie used to refer to Kolby. You snickered in response and wrote the others down. "Apple juice and cupcakes for my Kin." 

You could feel your cheeks heat up at your given nickname. Gareth had decided in grade eight to give you that nickname. First, it had been Punkin because, in his words, you were sweet and spicy like pumpkin pie, but you also dressed like a punk. Then he decided halfway through grade nine to shorten it to Kin. 

You turned your head to look at him when you felt him nudging your side. "Y/n, are you paying attention?" "Mhm, always pay attention to you, Gare." "What did I just say then?" "Uhm, we're getting pizza too." You say it more like a question instead of actually replying to him. Gareth was quiet for a few seconds, making your heart beat just a little bit faster than expected. 

"You're lucky we're a predictable group." He finally gave in, letting the tension run from your mind. You chuckled at him, bumping shoulders with him. "Not my fault Munson's idea of dinner comes from a can or is pizza." You whispered back a little bit louder so Eddie could hear. Immediately his middle finger was raised towards you and Gareth, even if he didn't have anything to do with antagonizing Eddie. You leaned into Gareth, putting your face against his shoulder to keep yourself quiet as Kolby quickly snatched Eddie's hand and laced their fingers together. God, you wished that you could hold Gareth's hand too. 

----

"Okay, Zeppelin on, pillows down, blankets, ashtrays, ashtrays. Where the fuck are the ashtrays?" You rattled off your list of what to set out before searching for the ashtrays scattered around your house. You moved your way from your room, grabbing the ashtray on your bedside table and walking into your kitchen and the one on your dining room table. You set them both down on your coffee table just as you feel someone grab your waist from behind. "Son of a bitch!" 

"Hey, Kin." Gareth's smirking face looked down at you, and the urge to smack him was high. Of all cities in Indiana, Hawkins was not the one you snuck up on someone! "Gareth Emerson, I could have hit you with an ashtray!" You exclaim. "Yea, but you didn't." He teased, grin only growing bigger. Gareth wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into his chest. Your arms immediately wrapped around him to return the hug. 

"Your friendly neighbourhood drug dealer is here, kiddos!" Eddie burst through your front door, making both of you jump at his sudden entrance. "Everyone with the fucking surprising entrances today." you mumble and give him the best glare that you can manage at the moment. Your eyes follow Eddie's arm as Kolby ducks under it, carrying pizzas for the four of you. Her eyes meet yours before giving you a not-so-subtle eyebrow wiggle. Reluctantly pulling away from Gareth, you make your way with her into the kitchen. 

"Mkay, so we have everyone's favourite snacks and, for some reason, cookies, not that that is a complaint, pizza and drinks. Eddie, my apologies, but Sandra was working today at the beer store, and she knows my real age. No fake ID beer for you. Everyone knows where plates and glasses are, find what you need." Your hands clap together as you look at your three friends, who oblige your mini rant as if you didn't give it a month ago when you all had a smoke sesh/movie night. Or the other countless times you've given similar, if not exactly, the same rant. 

"I got both Nightmare on Elm Street and Fright Night for you two." Gareth chimes in. "Thank you, Gareth, the great. Are we staying in the spare room again?" You nod at Eddie before stepping aside to let the two walk past, leaving you and Gareth alone. You could feel the tension in the air as you looked over at him. You shook your head at him, cutting him off before he could even ask if you wanted to talk about it. 

Instead, you decided to walk closer to your record player that was now playing Over the Hills and Far Away. Your favourite songs off the album and probably your favourite Led Zeppelin song. You hummed along to the instrumental part before singing along with the beautiful voice.

Many times I've lied

Many times I've listened 

Many times I've wondered

How much there is to know 

You began to sway with the music. The irony of that being the song playing right now didn't go over your head. Instead, your eyes drifted to Gareth, who was leaning against the door frame separating the kitchen and living room. His eyes were fixated on you, and his pupils were slightly blown. He looked beautiful. 

The four of you were sitting around your kitchen table. You and Gareth each had a mug of lukewarm tea in front of you. "It's gonna feel weird, but most people like it. It's kinda trippy to see the world in a different way." Eddie explained. He was going over what might happen when you drank the tea. 

Glancing over at Gareth, you offered a small smile. He smiled back and bumped his knee against yours. "Ready?" Your voice came out quieter than expected. He nodded, lifting his cup up to yours, and muttered "cheers" to you. You decided to go for as much as you could drink in one go. It didn't taste bad or good. It just kind of was.

1.5 hours in

You held your fingers out before your face, wiggling them around. They had little fuzzy lines wrapping around one another. Your fingers felt buzzy, like a bee. You giggled as you pulled your fingers back into your palm before pushing them away, making the fuzzy lines move and separate. 

A giggle responded to yours, making you snap your head in that direction. Gareth! His Ozzy shirt had green goo dripping from the ends of it. "Oh my god! Gareth, your clothes are melting!" You attempt to warn him. "What? Where?" his hands brushed over his shirt moving through the goo. "Right there!" Your hands pushed at the goo, but you couldn't feel it. "What the fuck?" you mumbled. You ran your hand over where the goo should be - you could see it, but why couldn't you feel it? "You've got green goo. I can see it! Why won't you show yourself to Gare?" You yell at the goo.

"There's no goo. Leave his shirt alone, y/n." Kolby's voice distracted both of you from the goo. She had a halo around her head, but not like an angel halo. It was a purple halo, engulfing her and Eddie in purple light. "You're purple." You informed her. She opened her mouth to speak before Eddie pulled her into his lap. "Leave it be. They're really seeing the shit they say. It'll cause them to get paranoid if you argue it." 

All day long I think of things

But nothing seems to satisfy

Think I’ll loose my mind

If I don’t find something to pacify

You began to sing the chorus - the only part you know in your mind frame - before Gareth’s hand comes over your mouth. You narrow your eyes at him, annoyed that he’d stop your singing. He shook his head at you, rubbing his thumb against your cheek. “Oh, that’s just rude.” Your words are muffled by his hand.

3 hours in

"Y/n! No. Stay - fucking hell - stay in the goddamn house." Eddie yelled after you. You darted around his left side, going for the door. Kolby managed to slip herself in front of it, backing herself against it so you couldn't push her out of the way. "Move." "Not a chance. "Please" You extended the e for a few seconds. "Never." "But." 

"Led Zeppelin III is better than Houses of the Holy!" Eddie said in an attempt to distract you. They all knew your favourite album. Gareth chimed in with a quiet "oooh." before you could respond to Eddie. "How fucking dare you." You direct at him, taking quick steps away from the door. Your face to face with him, and from your peripheral vision, you see Kolby move back along his side. She still had the purple halo, but now Eddie had a red one.

"You heard me. It's got Celebration Day and Immigrant Song." He tries to justify. "Yeah, and Houses of the Holy has No Quarter and The Song Remains the Same!" You justify "And Over the Hills and Far Away." Gareth adds, reminding you of your favourite song. You look at Eddie and point towards Gareth's general direction. "See, Gare gets it." "Oh, he just agrees with you because he lik." "Oh my god, look at the pretty sunset!" Kolby shouts, distracting all three of you, effectively cutting Eddie off mid-sentence. 

You run over to your front window. You hear Gareth scramble up off the floor to join behind you. He's pressed against your back to get a better look at the pretty pink and orange hues that paint the sky. "Woah." You mumble. Your back feels like it's floating with Gareth against it, and suddenly, the colours of the sky continue their expansion to paint your living room as well.  

6.5 hours in 

You watched as the once bright colours in the room began to dull back to their normal hues. Everything felt the same but so different at the same time. Your fingers played with the ends of Gareth's hair while his head was laid on your shoulder. 

You had both decided to sit on the carpet; it felt fuzzy in a way you couldn't describe. Before Gareth had fallen asleep, he had been running his hands over it for who knows how long. Your body is left with a nice floaty feeling and a feeling of hotness where your skin is touching Gareth's.

You kept waking yourself up just as you were nodding off. Rubbing your hand over your chin, you looked up at Kolby and Eddie, who were watching the movie on your tv. "Can someone help take him to bed?" You bite your lip when you watch both jump at your voice. "Sorry." You add quickly. "Girl time." Kolby tells him as she elbows him. You watch Eddie get up and nudge Gareth gently. Thankfully he wasn't sleeping deeply, which was a miracle since he usually does, so he was able to almost walk himself back to the bedrooms. You chuckle quietly as you hear Eddie mumble about never being invited to girls' night. 

"You need to tell him y/n." Your eyes fixate on the tv screen in an attempt to ignore her. Glen was in bed about to be attacked by Freddy, which you knew because you had seen it in theatres with Gareth. "Y/n, he isn't going to push you away or turn you down." She attempted again.

"You don't know that." You whispered. Your nails dug into your palms as you began to blink back tears. You hadn't voiced it to any of your friends, but you always had intrusive thoughts about not being good enough or deserving them. Your mind loved creating scenarios of finally telling Gare that you liked him, and then him just laughing at you was far too many for you to remember in the moment. So you forced yourself to stop crying and tell her in hopes she'd finally understand. 

"I can't tell him. I'm not good enough for him, and if I say anything that changes our friendship, I don't know how to handle Hawkins without him. He makes my world brighter. He is one of the only people I want to go to when everything is dark and bad. I don't want him to leave or decide that he doesn't want our friendship. If I have to hide a crush to keep him as a best friend, I'm fine with that." You could feel your shoulders drop as they suddenly felt lighter. In a way, finally saying it made things easier. 

"That's a lot, and we're going to talk about it when it isn't 3 in the morning." You shake your head and try to respond to her. "Hold on, I'm not done. Y/n, how can you think that you're not enough for Gareth? You're both exactly what the other needs, and you both make each other ridiculously happy. So again, we'll talk about this when it's not 3 am, and you're not high, but I just need you to know he will not leave. I promise you he won't."  

Honestly, you didn't know how to comprehend this at the moment. Emotionally and mentally, it was overwhelming, and the moving objects in the room weren't helping. You nod at her and force a small smile. Words were too hard at the moment. "Goodnight." She whispered. 

You stumbled a bit as you walked. The mixture of your home looking the same as usual but in different colours was messing with your head. Eddie's brown mullet was one of the only normal things right now. Even it still had a faded red halo around it. You held your hand out for him as he turned to look at you. He helped pull you to him, chuckling to himself. "Shut up, Munson." 

"I wish you luck; he's out like a light." Eddie, gesturing to the boy currently starfished in the middle of your bed, face shoved into a pillow. Your hand rubbed over your face once more. Was it even worth it to weigh your options? You knew you'd just leave him as he was. Gareth was a heavy sleeper, something you'd learned after countless sleepovers. "I'm just gonna sleep in my parent's room. Please keep it PG or at least quiet, so I don't hear you this time." You shudder as you finish your sentence, trying not to remember the Halloween party from last year. "No promises." Eddie pats your shoulder as you walk past him. 

You woke with a startle in the morning. Was someone yelling? Why was someone yelling in your house? "I can't find them. Where are they?" It was Gareth's voice. He seemed panicked. "Dude - parent's room because you starfished in their bed." Eddie sounded tired. "Oh. Thanks." You heard Gareth walking from your guest room to where you were. 

You smiled as he appeared in the doorway. "Hey, Gare." You manage. Your voice was dry and sounded deeper than usual. You moved over from the middle to the side of the bed so he could join you. He climbed in beside you, scooting close so you could rest your head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around you to keep you close. You let your eyes close again, choosing to bask in the comfort of his warmth and soft smell.  

"Wanna talk about it now?" He definitely wasn't making this easy as he also had morning voice. No, no, you really didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't the fear of change that scared you. You had already changed so much with Gareth. You change daily. You changed comfort levels, you changed nicknames, you changed music tastes. Change wasn't scary to you. Losing the ability to change with him scared you. "Okay." you whispered. 

"I don't know how to start." He sounded nervous. "Me either. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you." You corrected yourself, once again forcing yourself not to look at him. If he's going to leave, it would be easier not to look at him while he goes. 

"You won't, Kin. Nothing will make me leave unless you ask me to. Stuck with me for life, remember?" Chuckling at his words, you look down at your palm, the tiny little scar still there after all those years. It felt like something out of a movie, making a blood pack with your best friend. It hurt, and looking back at it now, it was kind of gross if you were being honest with yourself, but it was proof of your friendship lasting forever. 

Gareth's fingertip traced across the scar on your palm. That little movement gave you enough courage to tell him. "I like you." The words are rushed and louder than you meant to say them. "I like you too." He doesn't even bat an eye as he says the words back. "No, I mean in the I like you, I want to kiss you and hold ha." 

Somehow he manoeuvred the both of you in a way that let his body lean over you as he kissed you. It was sloppy, rough and perfect. His lips were moulded against yours, making them feel like they were made for you and you alone.

You're interrupted by a loud bang coming from your guest room, Eddie shouting that he's okay, and Kolby's laughter. Gareth pulls away, which makes you pout. You really liked kissing him. "20 bucks says he walked into the wall again." "I'm not giving you 20 bucks." You snicker at him. "We should go out and join them before he decides he's not going to knock." You groan softly and reluctantly not, but not before leaning back up to peck his lips. 

Forcing yourself out of bed, you let out a quiet moan as you stretch, feeling your muscles tense for a few seconds before fully relaxing. "Didn't know you could sound so pretty, Kin." You laugh at that, shooting him your best attempt at a flirty look, at least the best you could do after just waking up. "Don't worry, I'll show you how pretty I can sound for you later." You keep the look played up for a good three seconds before letting out a genuine laugh, the ones only your real friends or more than friends get to hear. "Okay, I'm so sorry. That was bad." You could feel the butterflies you were used to from him begin to flutter again once you heard his laugh. "It wasn't that bad, promise." 

You groan quietly and walk into his chest, pushing your face into it. His chuckles vibrate throughout his body as his arms tighten around you. "I swear I really can dirty talk. Just not at ten in the morning." He answers you with a kiss pressed to the top of your head. "C'mon, sugar, I'll get you some breakfast." 

Lacing your fingers with his, you make your way into the kitchen. Eddie and Kolby had beaten you there. You let go of Gareth's hand as he tried maneuvering around Eddie, who was making coffee. "Munson, who told you that coffee was a good thing for you?" You tease. "I tried to tell him no, but he said he'd make me fend for myself for breakfast if I took it away from him." Kolby's hands are up in defence. "Hm, not nice to not treat your girlfriend right, Eddie. And you call her the queen of hellfire. At least I get my partner cold pizza for breakfast."

Your eyes go wide at his words. "Partner?" Kolby and Eddie say at the same time. Gareth brings two plates of cold pizza over before sitting next to you. "Mhm, see, unlike Eddie. I'm nice to mine." Gareth confirms before kissing your cheek. 

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