#i do not hear that one nearly as much

[beyond-a-name]

I think the greatest political victory of anti-maskers here in Canada was shifting the focus of covid precautions from public responsibility to personal risk.

It's no longer about "My mask protects you; your mask protects me," or about keeping your neighbours or loved ones safe. Now it's only about "I'll wear it if it's crowded, otherwise I'm not that worried," and how much of a risk it is *to you*.

You see a lot of people who previously called anti-maskers idiots and would heap blame upon them, but now those same people all stopped wearing masks or taking precautions because "Vaccines are so effective now!" or "There's hardly any [reported] cases!" or "I'm tired of being scared," or "Well it's not going anywhere, and I'm tired of putting my life on pause." And it just becomes very clear that it wasn't ever actually about protecting those around you, (or if it was that it isn't now), but instead it was that everyone was just waiting until they could "start living again" or get back to "normal", and those people were angry because they thought someone was preventing them from living.

I thini that's the real root of it, is simply that most people never knew how to be alive in times of stress, that no matter how shit things get, you're alive and your life is right here and now.

But it's really hard to not read it as betrayal, as a childish selfishness, when someone doesn't wear a mask or do the bare minimum; because well, it's just very clear that it's not about the other people they're hurting, or pushing to the side, they can go back to stores and dance class and bars!!! There's even less people in wheelchairs clogging up the halls, or less people to serve their drinks or staff their business. It's all back to *normal!*

I've been in an abusive or tumultuous home basically all my life. If I decided that my life "started" when I wasn't stressed, I would discount my entire existence, it all just would have been "on pause". I still wear a mask. Everyone else is "back to normal".

It's just very clear that their idea of "normal" doesn't include you, or the people we lost, or the people now being pushed aside.

"Those at-risk will protect themselves," because the disabled and the old and children historically never need help, right? Get a grip. But don't worry, I know you don't feel too afraid to wear that mask that protects me and them, so I'm sure it's fine.

#covid-19 #covid 19 #mask #pandemic #cdnpoli #or like I do know that some people are genuinely just naive... the government's worked hard to keep them that way. #i do not hear that one nearly as much

[carpe-mamilia]

Ghosts’ Larry Rickard Explains Why They Chose the Captain’s First Name

Photo: Monumental,Guido Mandozzi

It couldn’t be a joke. That was one rule laid down by the Ghosts creators when it came to choosing a first name for Willbond’s character. Until series five, the WWII ghost had been known only as The Captain – a mystery seized upon by fans of the show.

“It was the question we got asked more than anything. His name,” actor and writer Larry Rickard tells Den of Geek. “Once we got to series three, you could see that we were deliberately cutting away and deliberately avoiding it. We were fuelling the fire because we knew at some point we’d tell them.”

In “Carpe Diem”, the episode written by Rickard and Ben Willbond that finally reveals The Captain’s death story, they did tell us. After years of guessing, clue-spotting and debate, Ghosts revealed that The Captain’s first name is James. At the same time, we also learned that James’ colleague Lieutenant Havers’ first name was Anthony.

The ordinariness of those two names, says Rickard, is the point.

“The only thing we were really clear about is that we didn’t want one of those names that only exists in tellyland. It shouldn’t be ‘Cormoran’ or ‘Endeavour’. They should just be some men’s names and they’re important to them. The point was that they were everyday.”

Choosing first names for The Captain and Havers was a long process not unlike naming a baby, Rickard agrees. “It almost comes down to looking at the faces of the characters and saying, what’s right?”

“We talked for ages. For a long time I kept thinking ‘Duncan and James’, and then I was like ah no! That would have turned it into a gag and been awful!” Inescapably in the minds of a certain generation, Duncan James is a member of noughties boyband Blue. “Maybe with Anthony I was thinking of Anthony Costa!” Rickard says in mock horror, referencing another member of the band.

Lieutenant Havers wasn’t just The Captain’s second in command while stationed at Button House; he was also the man James loved. Because homosexuality was criminalised in England during James’ lifetime, he was forced to hide his feelings for Anthony from society, and to some extent even from himself.

In “Carpe Diem”, the ghosts (mistakenly) prepare for the last day of their afterlives, prompting The Captain to finally tell his story. Though not explicit about his sexual identity, the others understand and accept what he tells them – and led by Lady Button, all agree that he’s a brave man.

Getting the balance right of what The Captain does and doesn’t say was key to the episode. “It wasn’t just a personal choice of his to go ‘I’m going to remain in the closet’,” explains Rickard. “There wasn’t an option there to explore the things that either of them felt. That couldn’t be done back then – there are so many stories which have come out since the War about the dangers of doing that.

“We wanted to tell his personal story but also try to ensure that there was a level at which you understood why they couldn’t be open, that even in this moment where he’s finally telling the other ghosts his story, he never comes out and says it overtly because that would be too much for him as a character from that time.

“He says enough for them to know, and enough for him to feel unburdened but it’s in the fact that they’re using their first names which militarily they would never have done, and in the literal passing of the baton”.

The baton is a bonus reveal when fans learned that The Captain’s military stick wasn’t a memento of his career, but of Havers. As James suffers a fatal heart attack during a VE day celebration at Button House, Anthony rushes to his side and the stick passes from one to the other as they share a moment of tragic understanding.

“From really early on, we had the idea that anything you’re holding [when you die] stays with you. So it wasn’t just your clothes you were wearing, we had the stuff with Thomas’ letter reappearing in his pocket and so on. And the assumption being that it was something The Captain couldn’t put down, it felt so nice to be able to say it was something he didn’t want to put down.”

Rickard lists “Carpe Diem”, co-written with Ben Willbond, among his series five highlights. He’s pleased with the end result, praises Willbond’s performance, and loved being on set to see Button House dressed for the 1940s. He’s particularly pleased that a checklist of moments they wanted to land with the audience all managed to be included. “Normally something’s fallen by the wayside just because of the way TV’s made, it’s always imperfect or it’s slightly rushed, but it feels like it’s all there.”

Rickard and Willbond also knew by this point in the show’s lifetime, that they could trust Ghosts fans to pick up on small details. “Nothing is missed,” he says. “Early on, you’re always thinking, is that going to get across? But once we got to series five, there are little tiny things within corners of shots and you know that’s going to be spotted. Particularly in that very short exchange between Havers and the Captain. We worried less about the minutiae of it because you go, that’s going to be rewound and rewatched, nothing will be missed.”

The team were also grateful they’d resisted the temptation to tell The Captain’s story sooner. “We’d talked about it every series since series two, whether or not now was the time, but because he’s such a hard and starchy character in a lot of ways you needed the time to understand his softer side I think before you had that final honest beat from him.”

“What a ridiculously normal name to have so much weight put on it for five years,” laughs Rickard fondly. “Good old James.”

From Den of Geek

#bbc ghosts #bless you larry for doing all these den of geek interviews #I wonder if they just did one marathon session with him #inside ghosts was kind of disappointing this week #I guess Ben just wants to let the episode speak for itself and you're like yes but I would like to hear you talk about every detail #trust me we will be interested #long post #I really thought they loved the joke of nearly saying the Captain’s name so much that they'd never reveal it #so it's so lovely that they were like no this is not a joke name; he's a real man with an ordinary name #and we are going to tell you that in the most devastatingly romantic way #I am eating my words and they are delicious with that spread on top #also 'that's going to be rewound and rewatched' = 'I know you people are loopy so here is content specifically for you' #bbc ghosts spoilers

[mysilentnightshipping]

hey. imagine your f/o finding fragments of their love for you around them.

they hear a lyric or two from a song they wouldn't usually listen to, but whatever is being said in it - it's exactly how they feel about you. they read a poem that doesn't impress them much otherwise, but there's this one line that speaks to them, reminds them of you or their relationship with you. maybe they overhear a stranger talking about their own love life and they say something that resonates. they totally relate to those famous romantic quotes from classic literature and poetry. you know the ones. even if they're a bit too sappy. maybe they see a beautiful sunset, come across an art piece, a meme, a diary entry, a classical song, an article, ANYTHING, and see their love for you in it.

even if they don't dare to say it to you, they get all soft when it happens. it is delightful when someone else has managed to capture that feeling!!

#self ship community #self shipping #self ship #f/o imagines #imagine your f/o #i love this thought so much. DO YOU GET IT ?!?! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ??? #this post was brought to you by imagining tom hearing that one lyric from maggie rogers' shatter that goes like #'i don't really care if it nearly kills me / i'd give you the world if you asked me to' and thinking abt me immediately :')))))

[girlcrushau]

#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/ #but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to. #until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you) #and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text. #i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in. #just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me. #im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest. #and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

[im-still-watching-anime]

the guy they have voicing apollo in these trailers sounds like he’s about to ask me to a game of golf

#ace attorney #apollo justice #apollo justice trilogy #literally who is that #like fam ​that is NOT apollo #no disrespect to the va i do really like all the energy he used and the goofiness has a charm #but hearing that voice and trying to picture apollo is impossible to me #way too much confidence and not nearly enough jaded young adult #idk if it’s the same voice they had for dual destinies #but i also didn’t like any of those voices #even the objections were bad for me in that one #and i normally LOVE the objections #wish they would stop trying to give the characters actual voices it drives me nuts

[yeonban]

Negative Character Traits. Below is a list of 102 negative traits to describe your character. Bold the ones that fit. Tagged by: @hunting-songs Thank you!! Tagging: @effigist, @antinomos, @minban, @blindfoldcd, @furiaei, @gameswillbeplayed, @halchron & whoever else wants to do this!

Aggressive - pursuing one’s aims and interests forcefully, sometimes unduly so Aloof - not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant Arrogant - having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance or abilities

Belligerent - hostile and aggressive Big-headed - conceited or arrogant Bitchy - malicious or unpleasant Boastful - showing excessive pride and self-satisfaction in one’s achievements, possessions, or abilities Bone-idle - lazy Boring - not interesting; tedious Bossy - fond of giving people orders; domineering

Callous - showing or having an insensitive and cruel disregard for others Cantankerous - bad-tempered, argumentative, and uncooperative Careless - not giving sufficient attention or thought to avoiding harm or errors Changeable - irregular; inconstant Clinging - overly dependent on someone emotionally Compulsive - resulting from or relating to an irresistible urge, especially one that is against one’s conscious wishes Conservative - a person who is averse to change and holds to traditional values and attitudes, typically in relation to politics Cowardly - lacking courage Crass - lacking sensitivity, refinement, or intelligence Cruel - willfully causing pain or suffering to others, or feeling no concern about it Cunning - having or showing skill in achieving one’s ends by deceit or evasion Cynical - believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity

Deceitful - guilty of or involving deceit; deceiving or misleading others Detached - separate or disconnected Dishonest - behaving or prone to behave in an untrustworthy or fraudulent way.* Dogmatic - inclined to lay down principles as incontrovertibly true Domineering - assert one’s will over another in an arrogant way*

Fastidious - very attentive to and concerned about accuracy and detail Finicky - fussy about one’s needs or requirements Foolish - lacking good sense or judgment; unwise Foolhardy - recklessly bold or rash Fussy - fastidious about one’s needs or requirements; hard to please

Greedy - having or showing an intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth or power Grumpy - bad-tempered and irritable Gullible - easily persuaded to believe something; credulous

Harsh - cruel or severe

Impatient - having or showing a tendency to be quickly irritated or provoked Impolite - not having or showing good manners; rude Impulsive - acting or done without forethought Inconsiderate - thoughtlessly causing hurt or inconvenience to others Inconsistent - not compatible or in keeping with Indecisive - not having or showing the ability to make decisions quickly and effectively Indiscreet - having, showing, or proceeding from too great a readiness to reveal things that should remain secret or private Inflexible - unwilling to change or compromise Interfering - tending to interfere in other people’s affairs Intolerant - not tolerant of views, beliefs, or behavior that differ from one’s own Irresponsible - not showing a proper sense of responsibility

Jealous - feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages

Lazy - unwilling to work or use energy

Machiavellian - cunning, scheming, and unscrupulous, especially in politics Materialistic - excessively concerned with material possessions; money-oriented Mean - one who makes no effort to understand or empathize with others Miserly - of or characteristic of a miser Moody - given to unpredictable changes of mood, especially sudden bouts of gloominess or sullenness

Narrow-minded - not willing to listen to or tolerate other people’s views; prejudiced Nasty - behaving in an unpleasant or spiteful way Naughty - disobedient; badly behaved Nervous - easily agitated or alarmed; tending to be anxious; highly strung

Obsessive - a person who is affected by an obsession Obstinate - stubbornly refusing to change one’s opinion or chosen course of action, despite attempts to persuade one to do so Overcritical - inclined to find fault too readily Overemotional - having feelings that are too easily excited and displayed

Parsimonious - unwilling to spend money or use resources; stingy or frugal Patronizing - apparently kind or helpful but betraying a feeling of superiority; condescending* Perverse - showing a deliberate and obstinate desire to behave in a way that is unreasonable or unacceptable, often in spite of the consequences Pessimistic - tending to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen Pompous - affectedly and irritatingly grand, solemn, or self-important Possessive - demanding someone’s total attention and love Pusillanimous - showing a lack of courage or determination; timid

Quarrelsome - given to or characterized by quarreling Quick-tempered - easily made angry

Resentful - feeling or expressing bitterness or indignation at having been treated unfairly Rude - offensively impolite or ill-mannered* Ruthless - having or showing no pity or compassion for others

Sarcastic - marked by or given to using irony in order to mock or convey contempt Secretive - inclined to conceal feelings and intentions or not to disclose information Selfish - lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure Self-centered - preoccupied with oneself and one’s affairs Self-indulgent - characterized by doing or tending to do exactly what one wants, especially when this involves pleasure or idleness Silly - having or showing a lack of common sense or judgment; absurd and foolish Sly - having or showing a cunning and deceitful nature Sneaky - furtive; sly Stingy - unwilling to give or spend; ungenerous Stubborn - having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so Stupid - having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense Superficial - not having or showing any depth of character or understanding

Tacky - showing poor taste and quality Tactless - having or showing a lack of adroitness and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues Timid - showing a lack of courage or confidence; easily frightened Touchy - oversensitive and irritable Thoughtless - not showing consideration for the needs of other people Truculent - eager or quick to argue or fight; aggressively defiant

Unkind - inconsiderate and harsh to others Unpredictable - behaving in a way that is not easily predicted Unreliable - not able to be relied upon Untidy - not inclined to keep one’s possessions or appearance neat and in order Untrustworthy - not able to be relied on as honest or truthful*

Vague - thinking or communicating in an unfocused or imprecise way Vain - having or showing an excessively high opinion of one’s appearance, abilities, or worth Vengeful - seeking to harm someone in return for a perceived injury Vulgar - lacking sophistication or good taste; unrefined

Weak-willed - lacking the ability to resist influence or to restrain one’s own impulses; irresolute

* = Depends on who you are. There traits aren't an inherent part of how he'd act with 99% of people, but they do come very naturally when facing off against those he cannot stand or who he believes deserve it.

#muse: tobias. #* tobias. / development. #Me reading this as if Tobias isn't MY own oc: Inch resting........... (taking notes) #Honestly fewer than I imagined there'd be?? I'd love to come across one of these for positive traits too to compare things #Overall he might very well be the nicest. or at least the most open. underground leader in the whole wide world LMFAOOO crazy!! #If he hadn't lived at Wammy's for 9 years he would have been sooo much worse but thankfully that saved everyone from what could've been #Watari: Is murder wrong? #Baby Tobias: Not necessarily #Watari: .........Is torture wrong? #Baby Tobias: Not necessarily. #Watari after nearly a decade of trying and failing to change his mind on that: You should strive to help as many people as you can #Teen Tobias: ........Okay well I can do That (<- refusing to elaborate on what methods he'll use to quote unquote Do That) #It's too bad Watari died before Tobias left Wammy's bc he would've gotten a headache a DAY hearing about his approaches

[feralnumberfive]

#bitches really hear ''Be kind to me be kind and wait it out'' & ''Getting a life is a little like dying'' and cry (it's me I'm bitches) #I know the song has been out for a few weeks now but inspiration struck to make a low effort meme #Do people hate AJR because they have such relatable songs? Each song is a story of their own and Jack said they're trying to write a song- #about nearly every issue in life like this one is about growing up but still internally feeling young and feeling stuck in life- #and being left behind by your peers while you struggle and just try to ''grow up'' and the fears of becoming an adult #listen I could write an essay over AJR's music and nearly all of their songs I fucking love them so incredibly much #ajr #the dj is crying for help #ajr meme

[designernishiki]

shout out to my poor unfortunate mother having to listen to me record and re-record rouge of love on the piano 3000 times because we live in a small house and i can’t find my usb drive to record via midi instead and use headphones right now

#you WILL hear rouge of love a billion times. it is not a choice #also machinegun kiss but what else is new #I recorded the backtrack for machinegun kiss not actually for a piano melody on top of it it’s meant for singing over technically #but. still works. so i recorded it anyway #ironically i doubt I’ll post anything right now though cause realistically it will bother me if I don’t record via midi instead so I can go #in and clean stuff up in post on my computer and whatnot #and the quality is just. infinitely better when exporting midi files instead of just recording me playing via earbud mic #you don’t have to hear my fingers on the keys and shit or any background noise At All #it’s satisfying………gotta find a fuckin flashdrive man #as for machinegun kiss. I actually am pretty okay with one of my lq piano/vocal cover recordings but. im way too self conscious to post that #lmao. maybe I’ll share it with someone. one day. #I do like hearing my own voice though simply cause it’s nice to be reminded how much my voice has lowered over the span of almost 2 #years on t……I have a weirdly similar vocal range to kiryu’s right now which is. something #like I don’t even have to transpose machinegun kiss into another key. kiryu’s is perfectly fine #adachi’s is slightly higher than is comfortable for me (id have to more or less belt the chorus and yeah I could technically but. it’s #exhausting and I have less vocal control. which I need a lot of. becuase i already put a lot of effort into controlling my voice due to t #making it not nearly as malleable and effortless as it used to be haaaaah) #kiryu’s (and kuroda’s by association I assume) vocal range is pretty small and most of his songs are within a small range of keys. he rarely #truly belts and rarely does higher adlibs or anything like that. #so for me- since my vocal range as shrunk significantly on t- his songs/song keys are convenient #but yeah #anyway #no one asked #rambling

[silhouettecrow]

365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 216

Adjective: Pink

Noun: Peach

Definitions for those who need/want them:

Pink: of a color intermediate between red and white, as of coral or salmon; (of wine) rosé; (informal) (often derogatory) having or showing left-wing tendencies; of or associated with gay people

Peach: a round stone fruit with juicy yellow flesh and downy pinkish-yellow skin; a pinkish-yellow color like that of a peach; the Chinese tree that bears peaches; (informal) an exceptionally good or attractive person or thing

#sorry for being late again #at this point i dont know if i need to say why cos its almost always the same reason: accidentally falling asleep #which is the case this time #as for what happened today i met with our executive director for quite a few reasons #but pretty much the main one was for me to talk to her about how my supervisor has been treating me as of late #(specifically the past couple of months but especially this past week) #cos making me cry once and nearly making me cry another time right as im about to head to court for a hearing with a client is fucked up #and not at all how we should be treating each other (especially supervisors to their subordinates) at a domestic violence agency #and it seems like my supervisor is being so passive aggressive and outright mean to me because my coworker got fired #(shes shown favouritism toward that coworker) #(and im worried she thinks i got him fired when i was only one of many people to bring up to our executive director) #(the ways in which he was harming clients and doing things that are prohibited in our employee handbook) #but my conversation with our executive director went extremely well and made me feel validated and heard and safe/comfy #when it comes to the prompt i know it seems a little redundant or too straightforward #but there is something about it that strikes me as it being mystical or almost cottagecore in a way #it is very aesthetically pleasing to me and the feeling i get from it is nice #i just have absolutely no idea what to write about still #so im hoping something comes to me in due time #thanks for reading #writing #writer #creative writing #writing prompt #writeblr #trying to be a writeblr at least

[toilonto649lore]

little motel by modest mouse has only been played live 44 times. it was first played in 2007 and most recently played in 2008. this fact kills me a little inside

#to add to this #march into the sea and steam engenius have never been played live #we were dead deserves so much better #i need to hear these songs live in my lifetime #also paper thin walls is like their 2nd most played song and i haven't heard it after four shows wtff #edit the sad parts made its live debut on the TLCW tour iirc and they didn't play it at my show sad times #also i was outside in line and heard them playing broke and interstate 8 for soundcheck both of which i DESPERATELY need to hear live #but for the actual encore they played Baby Blue Sedan & All Nite Diner which r both good but i don't love them nearly as much as broke & i8 #mm are one of my 2 fav bands but their songs range from 'absolutely perfection' to 'meh' so i haven't heard many of my faves yet #i have a lot of opinions about them obviously #i didn't see em recently or anything but im tryna go to jersey to see em w pixies but if they play closer to me i'll def do that instead #modest mouse #music talk #rambling

[philsmeatylegss]

Feel valid with your trauma from being a glass child and not have you biggest trigger get set off by feeling not heard or search ‘glass child’ on tiktok and see half the videos of people going “poor me I made my sibling a glass child wah wah” and the other half are actual glass children with comment sections calling them ableist or dramatic when they even say they don’t blame their siblings

#literally the romanticization of autism and deification of glass children ran me off that app #I still go on but not nearly as much #well autism isn’t that much of a trend anymore at least #remember a few months ago everyone was self diagnosed autistic and if you used logic and said that’s ridiculous you would get doxxed? #because I fucking do #ngl this site hardcore still does it but I’m not leaving here any time soon and y’all actually have brain cells so I don’t mind as much #bestie I was a glass child with two very mentally ill parents you could call me the most vile insults and I’d probably laugh awkwardly #oh but if you genuinely don’t hear what I say and ask me to repeat myself I’ll claw your fucking eyes out #still working on that one in therapy

[byakuyasdarling]

.

#vent in tags #(because it’s less embarassing here) #I don’t want to get into every grimly detail #anyway so tired of the parent I live with calling #me a bad person most days — or lazy or selfish or inattentive #I’m so tired of hearing them say I have no charisma and am socially incompetent #and that I’m not quiet and when I say o don’t talk nearly as much or as loud as they do they say I’m gaslighting #I’m literslly always called a gaslighter. #I dint understand what I did or what’s so hard to understand about me #I know it’s difficult being them but they’re such a hypocrite s;l the time #like 2 days ago when they said for me to internalise my thoughts and I barely even speak to them anymore #and they go on ranting about my estranged parent constantly unprompted to me and my brother and calling them VERY derogatory terms #we do not need the fact one of our parent’s left us constantly rubbed in our face! my family members (other) said they should internalise it #so I know I’m not crazy and they’re being a hypocrite. #but I feel I’m victimising myself to create cognitive dissonance and I am bad and lazy #and that I’m using trauma and my terrible anxiety (which I’ve been trying to improve on) as a shield to those facts #I feel crazy I feel I’m the wrong who’s wrong #I think 2 different things — that they’re actually in the wrong but I could be trapped in my own head #I don’t know I don’t know why I’m blamed for every misfortune #I can’t stand Io for myself because as soon as I talk I’m told to shut up. say I’m wrong. and do what I’m told. #I hate this I hate having a parent who doesn’t want me much and the other who calls me a burden #they used to be really good parents I don’t even know ‘maybe they are and I want to displace blame #I’m so confused #I don’t want to live as anyone else though because losing any of my abilities terrifies me. because I know internally I’m still capable #vent tw #tw vent #tw parental issues #tw negative

[starbuck]

the sentiment of “only I am allowed to misinterpret this character” is hilarious but my toxic trait is that I genuinely believe that my interpretations are Correct.

#like. i did not write 800 pages of notes to doubt myself - ya know? #not that i’m totally unwilling to hear other opinions and reconsider if i’m compelled by an argument #and also obviously there are Layers #there are things i feel are objectively true… some that i acknowledge are more like assumptions/inferences that i can make strong arguments #for… and some that i know very well are just my Silly Little Headcanons that i cannot prove one way or another and are just fun to consider #but i do have some Strong Opinions in that first layer and i have blocked people for Not Getting It #not mutuals obviously - just randos in the tag #and sometimes i wonder if they’ll ever notice… if they’ll ever go to reblog a popular post of mine and be like ‘hey wtf op??’ #and i’m sorry to those people but again - this is my Toxic Trait - just let me Have This #i don’t care nearly enough to get into arguments with people validly expressing their opinions regardless of how much I disagree #so i block for both of our sakes #it’s for the best

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

if i was absolutely FORCED to go back in time to high school i think the one thing i would change would be. being more involved w the theatre kids

#sorry. introspection post time #watched the movie version of a show we did when i was a freshman and i got hit with a massive wave of. damn i kinda miss that tho #i was! head spotlight techie #and it was. so fun and i loved it sooo much i miss the burns on my arms i miss the ozone smell #i miss the clunky sound when u change color filters #i miss early rehersal practices where my job was to sit on the balcony with a copy of the script and make lighting note annotations #i miss sitting on the balcony with my legs dangling off the edge. #i dropped a flipflop one time and nearly clunked one of the leads on the head LMAO #we were friends tho so he just. picked my shoe up off the floor and waved it at me like a grouchy old man raving about kids on his lawn #and he didnt give it back to me until after practice LMAO #fuck dude........ #and i learned all of the songs bc id be at every practice and would just like. sing to myself on the balcony bc nobody could hear me #ugm. we are not going to talk about my partner tech so she is just a big static filled void in all of these memories <3 #we spent. so much time together and it was. hmmmmmmm. bc we were on the balcony by ourselves. no supervision no witnesses etc. she was. hm #anyway. happy memories only. #i miss my clunky old spotlight his name was megatron #i always kind of wished i had the abikity to try out even for like an understudy part bc i think i would have fun w that #but unfortunately high school was the bottomless pit of my mental illness and despair and etc #i did NOT have the mental fortitude to do that #but it always looked rlly fun..... #anyway this was entirely inspired by my remembering that anybodys from west side story existed #and like. thats the EXACT character i wouldve loved 2 play in hs #do u know jow much fun i had singing officer krupkie on the balcony. i wouldve nailed that shit #also it wouldve given me a better excuse to be friends w the drama club guys and not..... you know. the static filled void #anyway. hi. how r we all tonight. im finding myself nostalgic for the worst period of my life <3

[ereborne]

Half-asleep, highly distracted, pacing the curb at 4:50 of the AM, saw a Yankee slip on wet grass and fall on his ass, saw him get halfway through his attempt to stand only to slip again and fall on his face, went rushing over--I forgot he was a Yankee, you see--to see if he was okay.  Got back the most indignantly incredulous parroted “am I alright there, baby“ imaginable, just immaculate Spike From Buffy delivery here, babes, this was the most “out for a walk, bitch” out-spit non-question I’ve ever heard.  why are Yankees like this.  He never told me if he was alright. 

#yapping tag #here 'AM' stands for 'ass of morning' #Nick's car broke down but I have the AAA #wolftraps #Tristan Tristan thank you so much for the AAA #I have the AAA so I had to get an uber to him so I could call for a tow #so good news: I did get to hear the uber driver's review of living on Guam #'hot. no good storms. no potatoes. Air Force had the good volleyball court. nice jungle though. volcanic rocks' #that's very nearly a verbatim quote and it delights me. imagine a grizzled chain-smoking man with a crew cut #ticking his head left to right with each grunted judgment #he saw that the tire had come fully off the wheel of Nick's car and gave us this sterling report: 'that won't drive' #his name's Bruce and I gave him five stars and a ten-dollar tip #bad news though: the tire's come fully off the wheel of Nick's car and no we do not know how he managed that one #presumably Midas Tire will let us know later today #also also last time I did this Duncan very tiredly informed me that they aren't New York baseball players and therefore aren't proper nouns #but I have to say that a Yankee is a Some Kind of Guy #alright there's a specific noun state of Yankeeness #there is a Yankee Way that some of these people have About Them #I'm not capitalizing because of the rules of English grammar I'm capitlizing for the rules of tumblr grammar #y'all need to know that when I say Yankee it comes out my mouth with clear corners #like when we say someone is Like That

[tacit-semantics]

Ok it’s two in the morning but hear me out. rose and dirk parallels are like obviously plentiful right but I do think that their shared fascination with the mind is especially fun, even if it takes slightly different forms. Like these two strike me as the sorts of people who would gladly perform wildly unethical psychological experiments on themselves just for the hell of it. And look I’m explaining this poorly but at the end of it I think that dirk would keep his literal physical brain in a jar if he could, but rose would bypass that by recognizing that the two of them are similar enough for her to get everything she wants to know by just like. scribbling notes on the sidelines. Wraparound self-recognition through the ecto-relation.

#in hindsight that’s basically what dirk did with hal already #no but self-hatred thru a pseudo-scientific lens is a fun one #is it depersonalization with extra steps? yeah. is it highly relatable? also yeah #do I see it a lot in media? not nearly as much as I would like but that’s very much a personal thing. only other character I can think of #right now is harrow but it’s 2 in the morning. anyways if they’re not bypassing silly things like ‘ethics’ by using themselves as the #experiment then I don’t even wanna hear it #dirk strider #rose lalonde #homestuck #hs #meta #tacit rambles