#i feel like it's important to talk to a doctor about any sort of hormonal changes

[genderstarbucks]

I'm curios on your thoughts on agab terms. If you're comfortable talking about it.

The way I see it used, in general, seems really exclusionary of intersex, trans, nonbinary, gnc, and anyone who doesn't fit into rigid binary ideals of male and female. (So cis people are excluded under this too, like say a cis woman with prominent body hair or a cis man who's short, for simplest examples.)

It's always about, like, agab bodies, agab genitals, agab hormones, agab organs, agab socialisation, agab chromasomes. And it just doesn't work. Like even considering agab in a more literal sense, like intersex people being assigned a sex without their say, that can only go so far. With current technology it's impossible to assign internal organs, chromosomes, and even with surgery and hrt, that still doesn't change the experience of being different, of getting such changes rather than always having them. But agab just groups everyone under the same category, and erases those differences.

And for trans people, I think it leads and perpetuates a lot of incorrect information as well, some of which gets into the territory of sexism too. Like the idea of agab bodies, when applied to trans people, it just makes a lot of assumptions about what genitals they have, what organs they have, what hormones they have, etc. which just isn't true. And for those who don't medically transition, which is fine, lumping them into the same category are cis people really erases their trans identity. Like for example, a non medically transitioning trans man isn't just exactly as a cis woman, or a non medically transitioning trans woman isn't just the same as a cis man. I feel like it's really erasing something there, and under agab they're just treated as the same.

And I feel like I see it used to be really weird about biology too, like "oh it's important for your doctor to know your agab!" For the most unrelated things. Like a flu is a flu, fixing that illness isn't about chromosomes, or agab, or whatever, but it's treated as if it is. I wonder if people who say things like that know what trans broken arm syndrome is, how trans people can have completely unrelated issues blamed and refused to treat because of them being trans. Of course, even for things where "sex matters", intersex people mess up that system. Or even just perisex people with some mild difference. Like women can be autistic do, but people think of it as a "biological sex" thing, and so say only men can be autistic. But that's just not the case right. Agab terms just remind me of that. Another pointless oh but sex matters thing. Except maybe worse, since I feel like people have started accepting sex can be changed (think trans surgeries), so they just replaced it with agab, which is forever assigned and can't be changed.

There is more to be said about it, how it just weirdly separates men and women as different species, and drags trans people into it with the whole forever assigned thing, but I've already typed too much haha /lh

So I mean I guess it's obvious I don't really like agab terms, but then I see people like you (or I guess actually you're the only one I've seen) who use it as self identifiers, instead of boxes to shove other people into, and are quite inclusive with it (like people can be transmasc/transfem regardless of agab sort of thing). So that does get me wondering about my distaste for agab language. I mean you seem to really identify with it, it'd be mean to say you can't use that word for yourself.

This turned out more negative than positive, but you seem to be using it pretty positively, so it got me wondering about your ideas with agab terms. /gen

Basically how I see them is that they can be self-identifiers and they can be useful terms, but only in certain situations

Like you said, agab shouldn't matter at all with things like going to the doctor for a cold or something completely unrelated (shoutout to the time I went to the doctor for a cough and he asked me if there was any chance that I could be pregnant like what 😭)

Afab and amab shouldn't be used like how tme and tma are, people are literally just using them as a different binary to put people into

Obviously I see my afabness as a very important part of my gender identity and other people don't and that's completely okay

And like what you said, people of the same agab can have different experiences

Like many afab people have more testosterone than other afab people

I see agab terms as terms that should only be brought up in conversations where it actually matters (such as this one, or someone stating their experiences as an amab person) or as self-identifiers

And they most definitely are exclusive of intersex people, since most of the time intersex people are assigned afab or amab

Like just because someone has F on their birth certificate doesn't mean they're gonna have the same experiences as someone else with F on their birth certificate yk?

And the fact that I'm the only person you've seen who uses agab as a self-identifier and is inclusive with it is kinda sad tbh 😭 like people should be able to identify as transmasc or transfem regardless of their agab

Transmasc and transfem just mean being trans and transitioning to masculinity/femininity, agab shouldn't matter and it should be up to the person on whether or not they wanna use those terms

Honestly people are just using agab terms as boxes to push people into, like it's literally just a new binary that's "inclusive"

And also like what you said about trans people with a certain agab, just because that's their agab doesn't mean they're gonna have every single afab trait if they're afab (and especially if they transition)

Just because both me and a cis woman are afab doesn't mean we're the same, I could have a dick but still be afab (I mean I don't but ykwim)

You basically just stated everything wrong with agab terms, how they're exclusionary and also rigid boxes to put us into that are labeled as "inclusive"

Just because some doctor took one look at our genitals and decided "yep, that's a female/male" doesn't mean that that should have to determine the rest of our lives

So basically, the only good way I see that agab terms can be used is for self-identifiers and in conversations or other situations where someone's agab would actually matter

Other than that, they're just a new exclusionary binary box that people are shoving us into

[inynkasflesh]

just wondering if you could share a bit more about navigating your PCOS diagnosis/symptoms? I’m really struggling atm

THIS IS LONG (sorry)

To give some background, my periods have kinda always been irregular, so that was my first symptom of PCOS. They were irregular all through my teens to the point I was getting my period 3-4 times a year. I didn't really experience any other sort of symptoms in my teens.

When I got the chance to actually talk to a doctor about it the first time, I got dismissed immediately, and basically self-diagnosed. In that self-diagnosis, the doctor decided to put me on to the combined pill / daily pill to increase my oestrogen levels, and lower my testosterone levels. But instead of balancing my hormones, I just bled for the whole time I was on the pill (3-4 months), and oestrogen really took hold of my body...

Once I came off the pill I still wasn't experiencing any other form of symptoms, other than irregular periods. But when covid hit (This was a hard time for me) I started to see symptoms like excessive hair, gaining belly fat, irregular periods, feeling tired ALL THE TIME because if bad sleep... I didn't really take it in as to how serious it was, till I really started to feel it affecting my mental health. So I went to two Doctors to try and get a diagnosis and nothing. (3 doctors now)

I went to a 4th and final doctor, who ran a lot of tests on me:

Ultrasound - to see the cysts on my ovaries

Pelvic exam - just to examine my sexual organs for anything else

Blood tests - to measure my hormone levels

Finally diagnosing me with PCOS. So Ultimately it took almost 5-6 years and 4 doctors to get a diagnosis.

First thing I was told is to get onto the pill, but I couldn't because I was at a high risk of blood clotting due to my weight. Then the doctor just told me to lose some weight lmfao. Which I didn't take serious because as a woman with PCOS losing weight is EXTREMELY hard.

After I got diagnosed I did a lot of research. There are 3 things that stood out to me in the research I did:

Inositol (supplement) - allows you to regulate blood sugar (which is important as PCOS is ultimately the irregularity of Insulin production, also insensitivity of it)

Spearmint tea - helps with hirsutism

Less stress - to decrease cortisol levels, as women with PCOS tend to have an increased level

I used these for a while, I did see some improvements but it just wasn't enough. I tried changing my eating habits to being anti-inflammatory, no difference. After doing all of this with no improvements I just dropped it all, and actually started working out. I ended up losing 20+kg in a months, and my period this whole year has been regulated (Thank God), but I also cut out a huge thing that was causing me a lot of stress. I no longer have any symptoms of PCOS, hirsutism here and there but I get laser hair removal on a monthly basis.

I would suggest:

Getting an actually doctor diagnosis

Start working out, a mix of strength training (to increase insulin sensitivity, reduce cortisol levels, and burn calories) and Low-impact workouts too

Continue with any supplements that help you. Right now I take, Iron, Vitamin D, B12, Vitamin C, Fenugreek and drink spearmint tea at least twice a day

When it comes to eating habits I would say eat as if you're genuinely trying to live a healthy life, but don't rescrict yourself from enjoying the food you love. I'm eating healthy but eating more protein because I want a PHATTTT ASSS, and to look like I could punch a wall(jk, not about the ass though)

Less stress. Less Stress. Less Stress.

sorry it's so long.

#yinka #pcossupport

[give-me-your-kidneys]

ok so first actual post that's not intended as a sort of intro type thing.

so anyways I've been kinda struggling with the idea of gender for the past year or so. for the sake of context, I'll try and start from the beginning more or less.

so I was born a man (well, boy if we're being technical, I didn't pop out of my mom a fully grown adult lmao). In middle school I found out that I was bi because I had a crush on a friend of mine and since then I've become very comfortable with my own sexuality. I've been attracted to people regardless of gender and am very confident that I'm bi or at least some other flavor of not entirely straight (maybe there's some other word that is super niche that more accurately describes my own personal feelings, but whatever, that's not important or relevant, nor something I particularly care about). this is all to say that I'm not particularly unfamiliar with being queer.

in the past year or so I've been struggling with my gender. It's not that I don't feel like a man, but it's not something I really have any sort of strong attachment to, it's just how I've been living my life up until now and so it's convenient to continue like that. I definitely don't feel like a woman, and I don't think I'd necessarily be happy if that's how I was perceived either, but it's not something that feels wrong, it feels about the same as being a man, which is to say not like much of anything. but, however, I definitely feel like I'd be happier if I'd be able to present myself more femininely, and definitely not in your typical e-boy femboy uwu kind of way that's become more common in recent years. no shade on the people who like doing that, it's just not what I want to do. it's just a desire to be able to dress femininely and cute while having that be perceived as normal.

and just to be clear, if there was some easy way that I could just get hrt through a doctor (not super comfortable with the idea of diy-ing it as I just don't really trust myself to do that properly) or just really with any sort of professional supervising me that knows their shit so I don't screw anything up, I would, but alas. I also very very very very very much do not want to be seen or look in the mirror and see myself as a man in a dress, or like any sort of male person dressing in a feminine way, as that to me at least, feels like it'd be worse than just living life in the way that I currently am.

to me, specifically in the case of myself and not when it comes to other people, getting on estrogen/all the other various hormones that are part of hrt is what I'd need to really accomplish anything of that sort. it's what I'd need for myself to make it feel real. now, I want to make it extremely clear that this is only a standard that I'd apply to myself as it's a standard I'd only really hold myself to, I'm not some sort of transmed/truscum person. everyone has their own journey and standards that they experience and what I think of myself is just that, only relevant in my case. and in my case, it feels like I'd need that as a way of being able to be more happy with myself, I think.

on an only tangentially related topic, I don't really view myself as nonbinary or trans or anything like that, because for some reason using those terms just feels wrong? not sure why, but the closest thing I could compare it to is like stolen valor or some shit, which I'm aware is a very goofy way of thinking about it lmao. but regardless, it still just doesn't feel right to call myself something along those lines, even though I have spent the last three paragraphs talking about how I view my own gender identity in a way that most people would say at least decently aligns with those terms.

I guess one of the reasons as to why it doesn't feel right is that as someone who has never really been visibly queer, (I just look like some regular joe white dude) despite never really hiding that I was if it ever came up, to me at least, the nonbinary and trans people that I've known in the past were very very open in how they presented themselves and made it very clear to anyone who saw them that they were not cis. it just feels wrong to call myself anything like that when I know people who are that and they are far far braver than I'll ever be for living as who they really are in a world that does not want them to do so.

this ties in to another thing that I've also been thinking about, in that I'm fucking terrified of doing transitioning/getinng/taking hrt[1] for three reasons.

one being that it's a pretty big change. I know that most of its effects are not really permanent if you stop within the first couple of months but still. that's a really big choice to make and I don't want to regret it. this fear of regret is mostly just due to who I am as a person, I know that the vast vast vast majority of people who transition are extremely happy with doing so, and hell that most people who consider it for as long as I have and end up doing so end up being happy with doing so, but still. what if I'm wrong.

the second reason is that, let me be frank, I'm not really starting from the best place when it comes to doing so. this is purely from a physical place as I'm a fairly overweight person who has some physical features that I don't think hrt would necessarily solve (mainly body/facial hair, like holy shit dude there's just too much of it, it never ends). not gonna post a picture because I don't want my face tied to this fairly intimate dump of ideas, even though I highly doubt anyone will ever read this.

the third is that I'm pretty scared of doing so, but for a different reason than in point number one. the world is not very kind to people who transition. luckily, I don't live on terf island, but I do live in the USA, and the college that I attend is in a fairly red state. not super giga red like in the bible belt, but still not great. my family does live in a rather blue state and city, but still, not great. my family would probably be supportive, so I don't think that's a big concern, as would my close friends (especially the ones who I've talked about this with), but everyone outside of that, which is most people I interact with, who the fuck knows? like that shit is scary as fuck.

anyway yeah so definitely still 100% cis lmao.

just kinda wish I was born a girl so that I'd be able to express myself in ways that feel more true to myself

100% cis though.

[1] ok doing a footnote on a tumblr post is goofy as all hell, but what I wanted to write here was too long to do parenthetically. I'm not super happy with wording it like this for two reasons, but I'm keeping it like this with the footnote as I'd rather just keep it as is for the sake of clarity in what I'm saying.

transitioning feels like I'm saying that I'm trans, which I'm not uncomfortable with identifying as that being the endpoint of my own personal journey, but is something I don't feel is truly accurate for aforementioned reasons. still keeping it like that for clarity

conflating starting/getting hrt and transitioning here is for the same reason as stated above, I'm not a truscum person.

[eperezart]

How the pill affects your mood

Notes:

Almost half of all women who go on the pill stop using it within the first year because of intolerable side effects, and the one most frequently cited is unpleasant changes in mood. Sometimes it’s intolerable anxiety; other times, it’s intolerable depression; or maybe both simultaneously. And even though some women’s doctors may tell them that those mood changes aren’t real or important, a growing body of research suggests otherwise.

The researchers found that women on hormonal contraceptives were 50 percent more likely to be diagnosed with depression six months later, compared with women who were not prescribed hormonal contraceptives during this time. 

Use of hormonal contraception, especially among adolescents, was associated with subsequent use of antidepressants and a first diagnosis of depression, suggesting depression as a potential adverse effect of hormonal contraceptive use.

Use of hormonal contraception was positively associated with subsequent suicide attempt and suicide. Adolescent women experienced the highest relative risk.

Ways to keep track of the pill and its effects:

Make a note of your patterns. Do you have more good days in comparison to bad when on the pill or vice versa? If you have fewer happy days than you think you should, talk to your doctor.

Tell a friend. When starting a new pill make sure to tell a friend so that they can keep track of any changes they may notice that you dont.

Keep a journal. If possible, start it before going on the pill so you have a log of how you were feeling before and after. Having hard evidence of your mood prior to the pill can be a good way for you to think about your past more objectively, making it easier to recognize any changes. In each entry, make note of your mood, energy level and well-being using some sort of scale (1=”I feel sad/anxious” and 10=”I feel great”). This will help you keep tabs on how things change for you (or not) when trying out a new pill.

This website was also one that really helped me to get a better scientific understanding of the pill and its effects on women. It also provided a really helpful list of ways to track the pill and its side effects that I had not thought of before. This would not only help with the mental changes that the pill brings but also the physical ones. I am hoping to create a list similar to this one in my final outcome

#t1 #yr3 #secondary research #RSA

[cakesexuality]

Lupron update at 6 months

I left my gynecologist a voicemail on Monday of last week about my new weird symptoms and still haven't heard back but don't want to call her office too much

I had blood drawn to check and sex hormones and my results came back, as I mentioned in a separate post!! My estradiol was 175 on Depo but it's 65 on Lupron

I saw my GP on Friday and she's gonna send a note to my gynecologist about what's been happening for the last couple weeks and it's been almost a year since my last ultrasound so my GP is sending me for one again

She's also contacting the eating disorder program to see what they think we should do, if I should be referred to them for outpatient care or if my GP and/or my psychiatrist should be in charge of that aspect

She did bring up that stress can be a factor in immune response but not in a dismissive, ableist, this-isn't-my-problem way, but just that she genuinely thought that could be a good path to go down, and she seemed to not feel a need to discuss it further when I said a psychiatrist was one of the first people I went to about this, we already tried treating it with antidepressants and antipsychotics to no avail, and my stress levels don't seem to correlate with my immune symptoms

She asked if I had any sort of condition in mind to be checked for and said she was willing to explore that, but we've already done a lot of blood work that didn't really come up with so idk what this could be

My GP thinks it might almost be time for a laparoscopy but it's really up to my gynecologist to decide if I need one

A few hours after I saw my GP, my pain was the worst it's been since starting Lupron... having my heating pad at its hottest setting did nothing and taking Robaxacet only worked for the first hour and a half to two hours

After thinking about it for a while and calling the after-hours line for my primary care clinic to talk with a doctor there (who was concerned I may have a burst cyst or ovarian torsion), I eventually went to the ER

My pain was pretty low by the time I got there but I'd been told by a doctor to go to the hospital and I wanted to make sure I wasn't ignoring something important, since I have a high pain tolerance (e.g. my pain when I had my wisdom teeth out was significantly lower than it should have been)

The doctor in the ER wanted to do an ultrasound but all their techs had gone home for the night, so we'll have to wait until I do the one ordered by my GP

At least we can be pretty sure it's not torsion bc that would have been 10/10 pain, dropping to the floor, throwing up

He seemed to be offering to prescribe pain meds but I said I didn't really need anything I don't have at home, since it's going away now and I can tolerate it, I just wanted to be sure it wasn't something that shouldn't be left alone

He also misunderstood and thought I'd already been diagnosed with endo so he said something along the lines of "I think when you had surgery, they missed some of it and that's why you're still in pain" so when I clarified that this is just what my gynecologist is theorizing and it hasn't been confirmed yet, he said he thinks I should have laparoscopy soon bc this shouldn't be happening on Lupron

The ER doctor said he's gonna contact my gynecologist and my GP to tell them what happened and what he thinks about it

I previously said something about working through it in therapy, and it's bc of my medical trauma and how I feel like I need to be able to withdraw consent at any moment, but talking it over while I've been in contact with CMHA recently and thinking it through by myself, I don't really have a reason to need to withdraw consent (I'm not scared of the laparoscopy itself or the doctor who would do it)... so now I'm excited about the idea of having this surgery!! Let's fuckin goooo!!

#the hospital made me put on a gown and then it ended up not even being necessary lol #the estrogen is slapping right now #opioids / #just to be careful

[quantummindclassicalheart]

...today I got recommended estrogen capsules by Amazon. Does that make me AFBA (Assigned Female By Amazon)?

#non-binary problems #i feel like it's important to talk to a doctor about any sort of hormonal changes #but also i know not everyone's in a place where they have transf-reindly medical care so...

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

#adhd #not a doctor #just a sick person with lots of lived experience

[cinnamonest]

Ok in addition to earlier post some important categories of boy:

Childe, Zhongli: Actually understands pregnancy thank God. Takes good care of you, gets you food you want, is always really affectionate and nuzzles you and rubs your belly once you're all swollen. Keeps talking about potential names and rambles about fun things you're all gonna do together and how much fun you'll have as a family. Laughs off your mood swings which is kinda infuriating bc it's infantilizing/trivializing and feels like he's not taking you seriously

Xingqiu, Kaeya: *Thinks* he knows how pregnancy works. He does not. Know-it-all about it as he confidently spews blatantly incorrect statements. Sigh. Also infuriatingly is one to be like "we're pregnant :)" and claim he's suffering just as much as you are bc he has to put up with your moodiness. Expects to be praised every time he does anything helpful.

Bennett, Chongyun, Venti: Does not know anything but he's trying his best, bless him. Goes along with anything you want with a smile on his face. Angel. Venti in particular is kinda embarrassed that he knows so little bc he's so old but he's just never bothered to really understand that sort of thing.

Kazuha: goes along with what you want. Honestly kinda underestimates himself, thinks he knows *less* than he does, kinda weirded out by everything but fascinated. Gets super hurt by mood swings. Needs constant validation that you don't love the kid more than him.

Albedo: Understands pregnancy. This is actually unfortunate because he thinks he knows more than you do and will constantly make you aware that he is the Expert(tm). Prepare to constantly have your thoughts overridden and get the "you're just being moody because you're hormonal (and therefore I will dismiss any claims of me doing something wrong)". Also kinda pulls the "I'm suffering just as much as you are" but more subtle than Kaeya/Xingqiu

Diluc: kinda understands but also very confused despite that. Just kinda curiously fascinated but also scared of mood swings. Just kinda... Thinks it's strange... Rubs the bulge... But is still also happy and proud. Gets really into buying you maternity clothes and super expensive stuff for the kid. A worrier and panics bc what if everything isn't exactly perfect? Needs to make sure they have everything you can possibly need. Also absolutely freaks out and panics majorly when you finally go into labor like pls get this man out of the room he's making things worse

Razor: Very proud of himself for understanding the basics, like the fact that your stomach gets bigger! See, he's a smart boy, he learned things from watching lupical :) did you know that?? Is unaware of other things, but he'll get you food and help you walk around!! You don't need those human doctors, wolves give birth all the time and they're fine :) He'll even kinda sit there and nuzzle you in labor, see, good mate. Pls be proud of him

Xiao: Already views women like an alien species so boy has absolutely no idea what's happening. Does not know how long pregnancy is. Does not know mood swings and cravings are a thing and is very confused, why are you being mean to him?? Gets very curious towards the later stages and kinda pokes the bulge, retracts hand at the speed of light and recoils with wide eyes bc what the fuck was that did it just move??? Is it like actually alive inside?? He just kinda thought it was asleep and still up until being born?? This is all so confusing it's exhausting the poor bb. Also gets really hurty when you have an emotional episode and lash out at him, kinda slinks off to the corner to pout. Needs an apology and a hug.

#scheduled post

[ficforce]

Making Friends

Benimaru x Pregnant Reader SFW

“Oi!” Benimaru shoved the papers he had been holding onto one of the builder’s he was speaking with and rushed to Y/N’s side, “What have told you about carrying stuff…” He took the box from her, further annoyed that it weighed more than a feather, and took it to the corner with everything else. The boxes were care packages for people who had just been made temporarily homeless, they could come an collect them but Y/N was just trying to help out as much as she could – she was going mad just sitting around waiting. Arthur and Hinawa walked into the Guardhouse and the blonde pointed at Y/N whilst turning his head to his Lieutenant, “He’s not got bad aim, he’s just protecting his Queen.” The young man was oblivious to the glare he received from Hinawa even as he pushed Arthur’s pointing finger down. It was obvious to Arthur, even in his skewered perception of reality, that Captain Shinmon, standing so close to the woman and with his hand laid protectively over her large stomach, was so mean because he was protecting his family. They had broken into his castle just before an Infernal appeared and he was aggressive because of his Queen’s condition. Y/N looked at Arthur with a tilt of her head and placed her hand on the middle of Benimaru’s back as she felt his body temperature rise, “He really does have bad aim.” “Y/N!”

“He called me a Queen, Beni, I can’t get mad at that.” Although it was an odd thing to say and Arthur seemed to exude stupidity, Y/N couldn’t help but be flattered. He could have called her a scullery maid or a witch if he’d wanted to. “You should be resting,” he murmured to her and gently nudged her back toward their room, Benimaru paused and turned sharply on his heel, his red eyes lit as he saw Arthur with his plasma sword out, the blue flame making the air crackle around it. The Captain shielded Y/N behind him, “The hell…!” Hinawa let out a sigh and walked out of the Guardhouse, he wasn’t staying for this, he could only take so much before the urge to shoot someone was too strong. He wasn’t there as Arthur got down on one knee and pledged to protect the ‘Fair Queen and the Heir to the Castle’, he also wasn’t there to see Benimaru be lead away like a confused, aggressive pup. He didn’t know whether to be pleased or worried about the pledge. Once they reached their room Y/N was giggling into his shoulder, he really didn’t know how to react to Arthur and he supposed as long as he kept the oddball away from her then all would be fine. “Did you see the guy with glasses? He looked like he was gonna murder the poor kid!” Benimaru ruffled his hair and let out a frustrated click of his tongue, “Beni, lighten up a little – they seem nice.” The last few months he had been more protective than usual, she figured he was anxious for the birth of their child and felt helpless that he couldn’t do more. He wouldn’t let her lift or carry, he didn’t like her going far from home and never alone, every ache she had he would worry over and there were times he downright wouldn’t let anyone within arm’s reach. The twins were careful around her, they were boisterous but they knew she was due any day now. Konro was taking her out of the house to give her a little space as he was the only person Benimaru seemed to trust entirely with her. It would have been sweet if she wasn’t anxious too… “Beni,” Y/N took his hands and place them palm down on her belly, it was almost an instantaneous reaction of their baby to press a foot against the light pressure of his hands, they had a theory that they were reacting to the Captain’s unique heat signature, “Baby is fine. I’m fine.” Her hands cupped his face whilst he remained distracted by the bump, “I’m really nervous too and I need distractions or else I’m going to go mad – Now, calm down and help out with the building works whilst I help Konro out.” “I’ll do it,” Benimaru mumbled and a second later he looked up at her annoyed expression, “Not because I don’t want you to but I need to talk to him.” His thumbs stroked over her and he smiled when he felt movement under his hands, “Why don’t you help out with ordering materials? You’re good at admin and we’ll need to order more stuff after today.” Pressing a kiss on her forehead they both headed out. — - “When are you due?” Maki asked excitedly as she approached the little table and chair set up for Y/N to work at, Tamaki peeked from around the older woman and looked just as excited by the prospect of babies. Y/N smiled at them both and placed her pen down, “Any day now.” “Really?!” Tamaki covered her mouth and spoke a little quieter this time around, “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?” “No idea. Benimaru is hoping for a girl and I kinda want a boy – as long as they’re healthy, right?” Maki nodded, “Are you excited?” She nodded her head as she unconsciously stroked her stomach, “I’m kinda scared too.” The women from the 8th were nice and Y/N fell into conversation with them easily, Maki got all gooey over her story about finding out she was pregnant and Tamaki had that fascination in her eyes that young girls had when love and babies came up. After half an hour Konro and Benimaru came back from checking out the damage from Block three, Benimaru’s direction began to alter toward the three women but he was cut up by Hinata and Hikage rushing past him to grab onto both his and Konro’s pants to drag them toward a different problem in Town.

Y/N hid her smile and silently thanked the twins for saving her from interruption. Benimaru sighed loudly, he could see that Y/N was enjoying the attention and he didn’t sense any malice from Maki or Tamaki, he supposed he could let them be for now.  — - Y/N let out a terrified cry as she saw the scaffolding fail and begin to buckle and collapse, the heavy bamboo rods hurtled down toward her and she couldn’t move fast enough to avoid them, instead she crouched low and wrapped her arms around herself – her only concern was to protect her unborn child. There was a loud crash all around her and dust was kicked up from the street, after a moment of feeling nothing Y/N took a deep breath and raised her head. “You okay?” Obi’s arms shook a little as he gathered the strength to throw the scaffolding he had caught to the side, builders came rushing over to help clear the debris and two of them helped Y/N to her feet, “Get her home, I’ll help out here.” “Y/N!��� “Y/N!!” The twins ran toward the woman and Hinata began crying as she hung off of Y/N, they had witnessed the accident and had been scared for her, “Is the baby okay?! Y/N, are you hurt?!” Big, watery, amber eyes looked up at her but Y/N was still too shocked to reply. Shinra seemed to come out of nowhere and coax the girls away from her, promising to give them candy and play. He seemed to be good with children and was able to tell them that it was important that Y/N get checked over - they were reluctant but let her go. When she got inside, Benimaru was halfway out the door after hearing what had happened and as soon as he saw her he wrapped his arms around her tightly, “Y/N…” He could feel her shaking in his hold so he put his arm around her waist and held her hand in his free hand, “Konro, call the doctor.” “No,” Y/N murmured and reached out to catch the Lieutenant’s arm, “I’m fine, really. I was just… it surprised me. I… I was… 8th Captain was there so -I…” Her voice became weaker and weaker before cracking, Y/N’s throat seemed to close up and tears began to slip down her cheeks. Benimaru took her to their room and helped her down onto the futon, pulling her close he began to run his fingers soothingly over her scalp to calm her. She wasn’t usually one to cry easily but the hormones during her pregnancy had her emotional over every little thing. Konro came in with a glass of water and handed it to her, he wiped her tears away and gave Benimaru a look to say he’d deal with the trouble outside. His eyes closed and he let out a deep breath, he was full of tension and just as shaken to hear what had happened, he shouldn’t have left her out there alone, Benimaru knew that agonising over it wouldn’t help her calm down and continued trying to force himself to relax - she had always been good at picking up his moods and his fear would only feed hers. “Nearly fucking died when I heard…” “Don’t s-swear in front of the baby!” Her voice was still small but he felt her pinch his arm when she warned him about his language. Benimaru stayed with her for a long while until she fell asleep, it had been a shock to her system and he knew she was tired already so Benimaru made sure she was well and truly out before moving to the next room to help Konro with his treatment. He had been about to start before he got the news about the accident… he hated to admit it but he was thankful Company 8 had come.  — - It was pretty impressive how Benimaru was able to stand after taking out a demon only a few hours before. “Going back to Company 8? Thanks for all your help.” Obi and his team turned to face the other, they had been going to leave quietly to let everyone get on with repairs and healing, “That’s all right… It’s possible we started all this by coming here.” “Maybe so, but we still had the Evangelist’s cronies lurking in our streets. It could be they’re the ones who were causing all the ‘spontaneous’ human combustion we’ve been dealing with,” Benimaru seemed calm on the outside but there was a sort of excitement buzzing around him that was putting Company 8 at unease, “And

now we’ve managed to stop it. Konro, bring it here.” Konro nodded and left his side quickly. The Captain of the 8th shifted onto his other foot, worried he was about to end up in another fight with the other - He still hurt from the night before. “Bring what?” “I don’t like the Empire’s Fire Force toadies but I like Company 8.” Konro returned with the bottle of Sake and the Captains exchanged sake cups to mark their new friendship, a few seconds later Benimaru’s face lit up in a smile and his Lieutenant explained the situation with Benimaru’s smile and sake. There was a commotion at the Guardhouse door as the Townspeople began to gather, they had come because they had heard the news and all of a sudden Arthur pulled out his plasma sword. Anyone near him jerked back but the blonde didn’t care as he swore his allegiance to Asakusa’s Queen and the new heir. At first, the rest of his Company were confused and Shinra moved to hit him in the head for scaring everyone but then he realised that Y/N had come in whilst they had been talking - a tiny baby bundled in her arms. “It’s good to know a Knight is looking out for her,” an excited squeal escaped Maki and she began to bounce excitedly with Tamaki. Y/N grinned at them proudly and let Benimaru take his daughter, the baby fit him perfectly, cradled in his arm like she belonged there and Y/N saw his smile become gentler and more genuine. During the night she had gone into labour, it had been frightening to not have her family there but the midwife had looked after her, there had been several Hikeshi who stood outside the room to ensure she was safe from the fighting and confusion. Benimaru had made it for the last ten minutes of delivery and blamed his tears on being overheated rather than admit he was overwhelmed with happiness when he held his newborn daughter. “Heroes are better than Knights!” She smiled as Arthur and Shinra began to argue over who would be the better protector, out of the corner of her eye Y/N saw the tremble in her lover’s body as their little girl reached out to grab his fingers and she just knew that no one would protect their family better than Benimaru.

#shinmon Benimaru #reader #enen no shouboutai #fire force #enn enn no shouboutai #garth ennis

[jean-does-not-have-a-horseface]

hi can i please request one where levi's s/o is sort of like him in personality but just melts whenever theres a baby. like she'll see a baby in town and will go from silent and moody to the heart eyes emoji but a person, or she'll babysit her neice or nephew or cousin and will be just so loving and bubbly? like its obvious that she wants to be a mum but she never brings it up because she doesnt think he wants kids and eventually they get pregnant + his reaction? sorry if this is too much (1/2)

ΑΝΟΟΟΟΝ IM BLUSHING THANK YOU SO MUCH. I really loved this request and it inspired me so I pushed before others because I had to get it out of my system. I hope you like this. It's super duper long also👉👈

Warnings: uhh pregnancy, mentions of anxiety

Tags: fluff, domestic Levi, pregnancy, modern au

Pairing: Levi/ Reader

Baby Fever

Your heartbeat grew louder with each passing second as Mike abused the door with one too many knocks. You didn't know if you could talk, or breath or do anything other than vomiting though this time from the anxiety building at the pits of your stomach and not due to your very recent event of morning sickness.

"Are you alright in there?"

You choke on your own voice as you try to huff a single response. It's not really up to your judgement of you're alright or not but rather in the small white object's that rests between the thumbs and pointer fingers of each of your hands. You contemplate if there's a way to not raise any more suspicion to the blond male, you're at his house for all that matters. Nanaba called you to take care of their their twins and you happily complied to your half sister's pleas because Mike had a very important job interview. Life had taken a toll on him lately, they couldn't afford a babysitter and he was just recently fired due to his company having to cut down expenses thanks to the pandemic. Amidst this pandemonium he had to find a way to provide for his family and help Nanaba with at least a short monthly salary. So babysitting your beloved niece and nephew wasn't much of a problem. Not until now.

At first it hadn't bothered you that your period was late, you had accepted the pcos lifestyle the hard way ever since you first got it. You would track down your period in hopes you could ever predict when it would come again but it always seemed to surprise you. Sometimes it would come in a months notice only to take four months to do a full circle. At twenty three, this was the most positive outturn as a resolution to your problem. Levi was pushing you to eat healthy and exercise to get a better grip of your situation, even though you knew it was in vain. And thus, overall it didn't bother you that you hadn't had your period still, fatigue and breast inflammation were also common problems due to hormonal abnormalities so you chose not to pay any attention to those early signs either.

What had driven you to urge Levi to drop you off to the drugstore next to Nanaba's house though was that you've been having symptoms of morning sickness for almost a week now, that you had tried to push aside for Levi not to notice. He would quarantine you on your on your own and go stay with Erwin and Hange had he any suspicion of you being down with the stomach flu. The stomach flu though didn't feel like that and you knew, you had been through it one too many times, this was something different and yet you cursed at yourself for overthinking it. You had bought the pregnancy test as something that was supposed to turn out negative, as a positive resolution that you weren't pregnant and that you should quest for whatever it was that was making your stomach turn and twist every morning.

Upon finally opening the door in an attempt not to delay Mike who wanted to attend his interview, the blond male inspected your form with a harsh gaze. "You shouldn't push yourself if you're sick. We could call my mother to watch over Eli and Blaire."

"No." You pushed it off. "I'm fine Mike, it's probably that weird mushroom soup I ate yesterday, Levi insisted on not buying it but I didn't listen."

"I see." Mike said scrunching his nose at the process. Sometimes you hated that he knew you so well that he could even smell you lying, but he was Nanaba's childhood friend before her mother married your father and had you; you had practically grown up with the blond duo so for all you knew, even if he was certainly aware that you were lying he didn't push things further. He simply placed a hand on your shoulder, the brother like nature of his touch as assuring as one can be. "If you need anything call me, I'll answer as soon as possible, drink lots of water and don't wear yourself down."

You bore your eyes into his and nodded simply. Mike greeted the twins with reluctance and let out a sigh before fixing his suit perfectly on his shoulders. The small kids smiled bubbly in return and waved at their father enthusiastically. As soon as the door closed and their father got out of sight both children jumped on you with loud giggles. The act alone was enough to curl your lips into an upward position.

By noon you had fed and lulled the kids to sleep, earning some significant time to sink into the crevices of the feathery soft sofa before Nanaba came back from her shift. As tiring as Eli and Blaire were you enjoyed their teeny company. You didn't mind their lack of ability to form full understandable sentences yet, you loved how they didn't even try to spare a second thought on what they bubbled on about and you did your best to provoke them to speak correctly. They would open their arms for you, their tiny palms signaling you to take them into long affectionate hugs as they called a baby spoken version of your nickname and you would melt at it every single time. Everyone knew you much you loved the chubby cheeked sweethearts, as much as it contrasted with your usual demeanor. There was something that truly made you feel like the best version of yourself when you were around them.

Babies seemed to be a hot topic in your group of friends for a couple of months now, ever since you started helping Nanaba in the house before Mike got fired. Levi seemed very unbothered by the subject in a way that saddened you almost; sure, you might have talked about it in the past, being that he was a little older than you and he might have understood that you longed to be a mother one day, but that was as far as that one conversation had gone. He still had that bored, stoic gaze that slipped off of yours when you would encounter a baby in the street, whereas you would basically make heart eyes and weird grimaces to any infant he would just click his tongue and avert his gaze away, to any other direction as if he disapproved off your fondness.

That memory alone left you hollowing inside as you recalled of the two very much pink lines on the screen of the test this morning. Naturally you would check with a doctor before jumping to conclusions, there still was a chance that the test was at fault and you wanted to bet on simply that. If the case was that you were actually pregnant though things were more complicated than you wanted them to be. For instance you were still in University, for your last year at that, but you had excessive amounts of studying to get your hands on your degree and Levi was cornered and ready to be squished by his job for being a vice president, which was unfair as he worked for Erwin. You understood the situation though as Erwin was struggling to keep the company going especially through these rough rough times. There was also the fact that you were terrified of Levi asking you to put the baby down, with pcos wearing your system down you were panicking that you wouldn't have a chance to conceive a baby later on. What if this was your only chance? You've always longed to be a mother so it didn't matter that it came to you this early right?

The sound of the front door clicking open shook you off your thoughts immediately. For better or for worse it was Nanaba that had finally returned, eager to strip herself of her clothes and face mask and run to the bathroom. She offered you small greeting to which you only nodded, your tired mind ordering your eyes to find comfort at small shapes in the ceiling. You didn't know how long your sister took in the bathroom, but judging by the lack of giggling coming from the babies' room you supposed it wasn't for long.

"You want to wait for Levi to come pick you up or should I give you a ride home when Mike's back? He should be home soon!" She spoke as she poured water in a red metallic boiler.

"I'll just walk. I need some air."

Nanaba emitted a soft hum in response "Are you alright? You seem off."

"Oh no." You brushed her off "I was just thinking about what I should wear at Erwin and Hange's anniversary dinner next week, and what gift to buy Levi now that his birthday is coming."

"Good, I see, just don't stress alright?"

___

The way home was longer than you had initially remembered, whether it was for your inability to walk with a steady pace or mostly because it was already getting dark and cold. You wondered if Levi would be getting home by now as you neared the apartment complex the two of you resided in. By the looks of your illuminated window he was already home as expected of him this certain hour. It probably was one of those days when he didn't have a strict deadline to attend to, which, under normal circumstances, only meant more cuddles and kisses for you. Yet, tonight was different.

"Hey Levs" Your voice lingered in his brain the moment you stepped inside.

"Hey brat, welcome home." The kiss you left on his cheek as you hurriedly headed to the bathroom was different, off almost, and he picked up on it immediately. "Did Nanaba drop you off? I had asked Mike to come by tonight, he said he'd bring some tea leaves he bought for me."

He leaned at the frame of the door as he watched you wash every crevice of your face thoroughly, paying enough attention to the insides of your outer nasal cavity. He was pretty meticulous about hygiene and especially at times like these with a hole pandemic going on he wasn't taking any chances, you knew, plus you were kind of disgusted of germs lately yourself, you thought you finally understood where he was coming from. He took a few steps ahead, away from your body in search of a clean face towel to hand out to you when you were done. You have it to him, even if he seemed cold as stone that domestic lifestyle was mesmerizing to you.

"Thanks baby, you're the best." You half smiled.

"You good?"

At this point you wondered if you seriously we're so easy to read. You supposed you were off, but you were always off and unresponsive to many things so what exactly was it about today that made everyone know you had a conflict in your mind.

"Yeah I'm just tired, I walked here."

Levi clicked his tongue at that "Nanaba's home is very far away from here, have a shower and I'll rub your legs and feet." With eyes that never left yours Levi watched as your face lit up a little more, he gave you a tiny of a smile on return.

"You prooomise Levs?" You knew teasing with him could only lead to one thing, yet you did it shamelessly.

"Tch, of course, hurry up, I'm making pancakes with eggs and bacon."

Normally at the very sound of this particular food your eyes would water and your mouth would drool but the unresponsive nature of your expression only sent a new wave of worry through Levi's chest. As much as he had wanted to convince himself you were just tired, he couldn't, not after this reaction to your favorite snack. He decided not to push you into saying anything you didn't want to though. Maybe it was that enormous amount of notes you had to memorize for your next exams in addition to your fatigue and any hormonal altercations.

"Yeah" you trailed off "babe, about that, can we have cocktail shrimp? And maybe fried rice and fries? Pretty pretty please?"

Ah, there it was. Although it was a rare occasion for you not to be in the mood of his infamous pancakes, you could still have a few different cravings from time to time. Levi let out a sigh of relief as he proceeded your order trying to figure of where he should order from, last night's mushroom soup had messed your stomach up, that he knew, but you seemed to be fine now so in theory that should be enough to prevent him from whining out his concerns.

As he closed the door to the bathroom he hummed his favorite tune to himself, softly enough as not to disturb you with your bath. He picked up his phone from the kitchen table with ease before collapsing on the couch, there was a limit to what his body could take and he had surpassed that by far these past few months. Endless deadlines that took turns one after another and extra hours at the office had been killing him, mentally and physically, making him a little more grumpy than usual. In great addition his back ached, his fingers were sore and his mind felt like canned alphabet soup every single night. Perhaps, seeing him in this state was taking a toll on you as well; you were always so protective over him, almost like a mother to her child, despite being younger, and he if he had to, he'd admit he enjoyed it a little too much than he should have.

When you came out of the bathroom he gazed over you briefly, you were sitting before the end of the dresser, standing in front of the full body mirror, examining your form. He seemed to be puzzled by your demeanor once again. Normally, or up until yesterday, you would have immediately shot out to where he was seated at to plough into his arms with wet hair, only to slightly irritate him for getting him wet, not that he didn't enjoy to smell your fresh scent anyway, but it was a game of routine for you by now. It was almost as if you were seeking to be scolded at for not rushing to dry your hair. He always wanted you as healthy as ever.

You couldn't shake off your head how soft Levi's chest is. There probably wasn't a reason as to why he's sleeping shirtless tonight, your apartment was very warm, given that it was the start of December already, but you didn't complain. The feeling of creamy, milky soft skin, perfectly excused by any coarse hair was slowly putting you to sleep. You loved how Levi was so soft everywhere you touched, it was so unlike what the world perceived of him, maybe your baby's skin was going to be as smooth and perfect as his and not as dry and oily as yours. Of course the baby's skin was going to be soft, ugh and those little arms and legs, you couldn't lie to your self, deep down you were just a tad excited to have a baby, if it meant that it would look like Levi you wouldn't want to give up on it for the world.

"Levi, does Kenny keep baby pictures of you?"

"What?" The onyx haired male raised a brow at your inquiry but didn't give you enough time to repeat yourself before he answered. "My mother had so many pictures of me so I guess that it's natural that he has some and well there probably are a few pictures from after my mother's death, I'm not that sure."

In response, he only earned a hum.

"Tch, can I lay on your chest? I want you to play with my hair." His eyes pleaded with you in the darkness. Of course you could never say no to such thing, you loved it even more when he was the one sleeping on you. Another sentence left his lips, this time with a yawn as he shifted himself on you, cooing like a small child. "I'll call Kenny tomorrow, sleep now I know you need it."

____

Under any other circumstance you would have loved seeing everyone's dumbfounded faces stating at you as if they had seen the dead rise from their graves. You had to pinch your arms to remind yourself this was indeed serious and you shouldn't let out a single chuckle.

"Please tell me you're joking" Nanaba pleaded, placing her hand on yours in disbelief.

"I'm going to screeeeeam! Shorty can't even hold it in, ghaaaa!"

"Hange he will hear you through the restroom."

Hange blinked her eyes rapidly at the sound of that. "You haven't told him?" She immediately seemed to lose her enthusiasm, something you hadn't intended to happen, especially at such a night, but you knew you didn't have a say in other people's emotions.

"Hange he never seemed too fond of the idea, why would I complicated things for him?"

Mike's eyes widened in disbelief. There was no way in hell he was having this. You were practically his little sister, seeing you so tormented as you were in the moment when you spoke those words ravaged his last nerve, causing anger to clench his hands into fists. He watched as you took a small bite of your food giving the rest to Eli who was comfortably sitting on your lap, tapping his little hands on the rim of your plate. Other than the fact you broke out such news to him, Nanaba Hange and Erwin and had expressed your fears on informing your significant other, you seemed quite bubbly. Children really did bring out such a soft side of you, he knew that was for sure.

"Hange" you spoke, unphased as ever "Levi's coming please stop screaming at me, i love you but it's only making me dizzy."

It felt as if a thousand pairs of eyes were burning holes through his whole body, his head, and everywhere around his personal space bubble. Levi could feel his pulse tense just a tad, Hange's unnerving gaze and her crippling smile were fixated especially on him, making his nose itchy. There was something very different in the atmosphere around him; Nanaba wasn't eating anymore, she was more fixated on her daughter than anyone else, Erwin was nervously staring between him and you and you and Mike were trying to clean Eli's hands from the food he had just touched. When the scenery wasn't something irregular, none of you dared look eachother in the eyes, beat it that Hange was staring only at him.

"Oi, what the fuck is wrong-"

"Levi, shorty! Does Eli look like he's enjoying himself in (y/n)'s arms?" Hange turned her sweetened gaze on you, making you choke on your words, you shot her an atrociously strict glare. "Remember when Nanaba gave birth? What do you think about babies? Maybe you think they smell a lot? But what about ackerbabies?"

"Way to be discreet Han, thank you!" Your lips puckered in anger as you brought your arms to cross under your chest.

"Wait what's going on shitty glasses?"

"Yada Yada shorty, you're not getting a word from me, my lips are sealed" Hange spoke and shut her eyes to emphasize the significance of her words.

You sighed in a pathetic attempt to relieve some tention of your chest. A tight knot had formed due to anxiety, fog had clouded over your brain and you were feeling so faint and exhausted that you just wanted to get it over with. You didn't mind standing there like a fish out of water after breaking the news to him, the tention in the air was in fact what was making you suffocate in your seat. With wobbly hands you pushed Eli off your lap, not caring about the moan of disagreement he made and you shot up from your seat, announcing you had to take some fresh air. Levi had to stop Nanaba mid tracks to be able to come after you, fast enough to be there when you got out.

Naturally, you stood seated at a bench that neared the restaurant. Your hands were covering your face scratching softly through your hair, probably in attempts to calm your self down. He approached you without any second thought, this time determined to know what was it with you. Your behavior these past week had been unnerving and overly concerning to say the least. Carefully he sat himself down next to you, his right arm come around your frame comfortingly while the left one came to caress underneath your cheek.

"You should probably talk to me."

Your voice came muffled from between your palms as you still hadn't dared to look him in the eye. "Levi, I'm, I'm so sorry it's just... I'm very anxious."

"I think I figured that, brat." His voice was so soothing, it felt as if he was speaking to you in the comfort of your private room, not on a bench outside a semi fancy restaurant

"You know when Hange talked about ackerbabies she uhm, she might have had a particular baby in mind."

Levi blinked erratically for a single second before his mouth, unable to compel to his brain's orders, formed the shape of an oh. Of course, in the moment it was hard to click with any other even but he attributed that to his lack of knowledge over the situation. Had he any clue or suspicion that you could be pregnant he would have been able to realise that it wasn't that your stress had been messing with your stomach every morning and that your extreme fatigue couldn't possible align with the erratically swift rhythm of your palms. Of course, of course it wasn't a thermometer that you had disposed of in the toilet, he wanted to slap himself for being so naive as to believe that. He was strict with recycling rules, you wouldn't have just straight up there s thermometer in the trash. Fuck now's not the time to think about recycling.

With the soft, chaste kiss at the top of your hair you finally decided to turn your gaze to him. Watery eyes met with an adoring grey gaze, a gaze you've never seen at this extreme before. "I love you, you know." Another kiss meant your head got to lift a little more, just to get closer to him. "I don't say it often but you don't have to worry, I'll try to tell our kid more often."

Your eyes shimmered with adoration at his words, despite the cold weather you couldn't bring yourself to feel not even a little tingle, Levi was keeping you so warm with his words. "Really? You want this?"

"Tch why wouldn't I, you thought I'd ever let you go and leave me lonely? I've always thought you knew we're sharing the same future."

Your lips attacked his in fiery passion. It was a natural reaction to his words, an ice melting kiss, a promise for the future. There were many reasons as to why you lived Levi but maybe the fact that you would have a little stoic faced baby running around your feet made you love him a little bit more.

#aot #levi ackerman x reader #levi x reader #snk x reader #levi #aot x reader #shingeki no kyojin #levi ackerman #attack on titan #snk #Captain levi #modern au #levi x reader imagine #ahhhh brrr #wufff #daddy levi makes me go wuf #barkkk #eye-

[my-darling-boy]

how would you go about explaining the concept of being transgender to a child?

Good question! I think the best thing you can do is to be honest with your child. Exactly what you go about explaining after your initial definition differs by situation. I’d always start out with:

“Sometimes when people are born, they feel that the gender they were given when they were a baby doesn’t match up with the gender they know they are. The doctor’s might’ve said someone was a boy/girl, but that person feels that’s not correct.” And since I’m trans myself, I could add, “When I was born, the doctor said I was a girl. But it never felt right to me, because I’d look at other boys and feel more like them. I knew I was one of them.”...And cue perhaps a sea of questions.

Don’t worry about having to explain the ENTIRE subject to them all at one time. Answer only the questions as they come asked if they approach you first. And if you come to a question you yourself don’t know the answer to, don’t try and make something up. Simply say “I don’t know” because you can always find out together! Look for times when they look confused, ask if they need you explain more. But what I’ve found is that generally, after a few questions, a child usually doesn’t often inquire more, at least not for a while.

A lot of adults think that by making the definition sound more appealing to a child (one example I heard of was talking about hormones as being magic potions), but sometimes phrasing things this way can create more confusion. It can put too much distance between the child and the subject. One thing that really began to confuse me on my own trans identity was when people talked ahout being trans like it was on the same level as the stork bringing babies. It made me feel there was something “hush-hush” about being trans, and it made me feel like I too needed to conceal myself.

Parents think “what if I explain this to my child and they start thinking they’re trans, when they’re really not??” A) It’s not bad if a child thinks they’re trans, do not let them think that B) you can’t say if someone is or isn’t trans, you’re not them. Even children can know C) if they try things out and figure out they aren’t trans, no matter when they figure that out, then sure they aren’t trans, it’s fine, but D) if they try things out and figure out they are trans, well you have a trans child! Explaining being trans to someone doesn’t “make them trans”. If that was true, then how come I’m not cis when ALL I was brought up on were cis ways of thinking, or how come I’m not straight when ALL I ever saw on TV or in my life was straight people? Explaining what being trans is gives them tools to help them understand the world around them, and to potentially better understand themselves!

You might get asked how a person knows if they’re trans, and you can say “It’s different for everyone. Some people know by looking at other genders and feeling a very deep knowing that that is how they see themselves. Some people start knowing by what kinds of clothes they like or how they like to be called. Mainly, you can tell mostly by how happy you become when you think of yourself as a different gender.”

You might find yourself saying things like:

“Some people feel they need to change their bodies to feel better in them, but not everyone does, and not everyone can. Sometimes people just like to change clothes, their name, or pronouns! That’s like the he/him, she/her, they/them you hear everyday, but there are more. It’s whatever will make that person feel happier in their body.”

“You don’t have to know right away, it can take a long time. It’s alright to explore too! And you can explore it for as long as you want. If someone finds out they aren’t trans, that’s okay!”

“Sometimes, people think transgender people are all bad because the way the feel about themselves is different from other people, but being trans is not only good thing, it’s a beautiful thing. There are trans people all over the world, and they’ve existed for a very long time!”

Overall, I think there’s a lot of different things to be asked and their responses to fit here, but if there’s something more specific you’d like to know how you might describe, feel free to ask :P sometimes it can be helpful to a child if you look up definitions of words, like explaining what the word cis means or what pronouns are.

Above all, do NOT:

say there are only two genders. Let the child know there are many, even if the world around them tries to say there are two. Try to keep language all-gender inclusive, don’t say “to the opposite gender”, say instead “to a different gender”. Also mention pronouns don’t have to be gender specific. You might say something like, “a person might wear dresses, makeup, and have long hair, but go by ‘they.’” Mention sometimes people will go by all pronouns, only one, or more than one!

say you must medically trasition to be trans. They don’t have to change their body in any way to be trans.

put an emphasis on gender dysphoria (the unhappiness you have about your given gender), if the topic arises. Include it if it comes asked, but tell them what’s more important is gender euphoria (the happiness about being the gender you know you are actually). Priding dysphoria as a hallmark indicator of being trans is harmful to self image and can damage a person’s relationship with how they think about their trans identity.

talk to them like they could never be trans. Parents will end these things with “but you don’t need to know too much, you aren’t trans!” Imagine this child IS trans and doesn’t quite know it yet, or will figure it out later. What sort of impression do you want to leave on this child about it? What tools do you want to provide this child with now so they might better understand themselves later? Create a welcoming space for them to come to you if they ever think they’re trans. Let them grow up with a positive outlook on trans people, not as medical phenomenons, but as human beings just like anyone else

say you can’t know until you’re older. Kids can know now! I might’ve not been able to understand I was trans when I was 7, but I ALWAYS thought I was being perceived as a boy. Later, I learned it was called being transgender. Take your child seriously. Understand your child might not have the language to express themselves yet, so allow them to express themselves in ways they are comfortable with

perpetuate harmful ideas/stereotypes. For instance, autistic trans people know they’re trans, I’m one of them, but recently a Certain Famous Someone In The Media said that autistic trans people are “just confused” on their gender due to their autism. Not only is this incredibly transphobic, but also incredibly offensive to autistic people.

use outdated/transphobic language to talk about trans people. Don’t say “a trans woman is basically a man” or how a non-binary trans person is “basically a girl/boy” because that’s NOT true. A trans person is not some Off-Brand of their gender, I’m not a man 2.0, I’m a man. Don’t say you can tell when people are trans. Don’t say you can only be trans if you “”pass”” (I avoid that word anyways, it made me feel like I was wearing a costume). Additionally, you might look up ways with your child on how you can be aware of transphobia.

If you’re looking up websites or videos with your child that promote these ideas or shares views you think are transphobic, take the time to openly correct them, or switch to another source

It’s better to introduce this concept young before things like school, media, and other people introduce gender roles or the silly x genital must equal x gender idea or get them thinking of the two gender concept, because once those concepts are learned by a child, they can be harder to unlearn as an adult.

This is coming from someone who doesn’t have a child yet, and since I’d be a trans dad, these kinds of concepts would be simply a part of how I’d raise my kid anyway. But if you’re a parent already with kids you would like to introduce this topic too, it can seem daunting if you don’t know much about trans people. This can be as much of a learning experience for them as of can be for you. If you don’t quite know something yourself, you can always say “Let’s look it up!” and sit down with your child and learn about it together. The main idea is freedom: freedom to ask questions, to explore, and to learn.

#asks #trans help #long post

[plush-rabbit]

The Pregnancy - Overhaul + Chronostatis

Request: ive been thinking abt don't move+sequels reader, i can only see them being more hostile if they get pregnant, how do you think it would go, would overhaul and chrono be more understanding like the they know best fic or would they stay trashy and mean like in a bundle of joy , especially in a scenario where reader self harm or try to end the pregnancy/hurt the baby

Warnings: Self-Harm Implications

A/N: Headcanons because it’s easier for me to brainstorm with this idea rather than a fic. Hope you don’t mind<3 (also not related to bundle of joy!!) Also please read the request, it can get a bit heavy for the last half!!

-

Kai and Hari would be very involved in your life. While you have freedom to wander around the base,you must do so with either one of them or someone that they have entrusted to walk you around. They won’t be risking you wandering by yourself in their base and potentially getting hurt in any means. Pregnancy or not, you are important to them, and for you to be hurt under their supposed watch is something that they won’t have. They want to make sure that you’re safe, taking any necessary precautions to ensure that no harm does befall on you.

They both view themselves as the parent in the child’s life. To them, it doesn’t matter who is the biological dad as long as they are involved in the raising of the child. They hardly compete for your attention- only truly seeing each other as a competitor when there is intimacy involved. Other than that, they both go to the doctor’s appointment with you and even help buy items for the child and the room. They realize that any sort of competition that could arise would result in stress for you and could harm the child, so they decided to work together, to be the partners that are most suited for you and your own wellbeing- including the baby.

During your pregnancy term, their protectiveness and need to be involved , make them come off as overbearing and often lead to you being overstimulated because of them. You’re grateful that they’re caring in this process and that they’re trying to maintain the healthy nature of the baby, but it's all too much. They involve themselves in your life- nothing of yours is private. You are monitored constantly, watched and treated as if you are proecielan that sits at the edge of a shelf. The only added benefit of having your life shared between them is that they also now fully involve you in their own lives- everything intricate, personal and even the workings of the Shie Hassaikai. You know what time their meetings are- having to work them around your own appointments- and who they are dealing with and why. You are now treated as their equal rather than a pet- or at least now you’re able to know more than before.

In order to ensure the safety and health of the child, Chisaki makes sure to plan all your meals accordingly. He’s precise, cutting certain portions and making sure to eat the food before he has Kurono deliver it to you. He spends his time making sure that the food is prepped and contains nutrients that are best while also making sure that it’s something that you are allowed to eat. Your cravings are the worst of it- he can handle the cramps and the moodiness, but you just get some rather unhealthy cravings for certain food that he won’t allow you to eat. He can handle your whining and pouting, but he won’t allow you to eat something so high in sugar. Though, if you were to start to tear up or give him the silent treatment, Chisaki would be willing to find some sort of alternative to your cravings, not wanting you to be in a foul mood- especially towards him.

On the other hand, Kurono is much more easy going. He's still very observant about you and protective towards you and the baby, but he is more willinging to sneak you in a few pieces of candy for you to eat. While Chisaki may be the one to prepare the food for you, he’s busy with items that pertain to the business which leaves for Kurono to sit with you and enjoy a meal. He’s there for his own enjoyment but to also make sure that you eat most of the food that has been prepared for you. If you are unable to, he is forgiving on that part, knowing that your pregnancy has made it difficult for you to enjoy certain foods and has worsened your appetite. There is no real solution to this that he can offer other than bringing you a nutritional shake for you to at least give you some energy. After you’re done with that, he’ll surprise you with pieces of candy, telling you to savor them because he's unsure of when he will be able to bring more. While you eat them, he’ll play with your hair, telling you that he’s glad he can have some alone time with you.

If you were to self harm, your partners would not react well. They’ll constantly question what signs they missed that you were unhappy, blame outside forces and even your pregnant]cy, citing all sorts of hormonal change that’s been going on. They’ll fix whatever they can, taking you to a parper hospital rather than treating you at the base. While Chisaki would be able to heal any of your wounds with his quirk, he’s fearful as to how his quirk and your body would react with a pregnancy. He isn’t going to risk the child’s life with something so serious. Instead, you’re taken to the hospital, a lie agreed upon by all three of you that you simply had injured yourself while prepping dinner.

However, if you were to try to terminate the pregnancy, they would be furious. You’re the child's parent as well, they’re the child’s fathers. They support any decision that you want to make about your body, but to do somethin so reckless- and to a family member, no less- they are beyond angry. You’re lucky for the baby to be well, the attempt in vain. They, however, cannot do anything to you before or after, so they simply try to move past it. They can’t strap you down to a bed until you come to full term due to exercise being important and they can’t restrict your access to the child because that’ll only ruin the bond between the entire family. They simply have you take melatonin, talking besides each other once you are in deep sleep, trying to figure out what they can do to ensure that this incident doesn’t happen again.

The base is baby proofed. Your room and the area that you reside in are placed under complete care- corners rounded out with plastic grips, cabinets locked and only members given the codes, anything sharp placed inside of locked cabinets, even pens and other writing utensils are carefully monitored to make sure that they are not left out in the open. Your privacy is taken away, the only privacy that you are given is in the bathroom and even that comes with a time limit. You are not allowed to do things yourself, you are watched and taken care of. Your glass cups are replaced with plastic, your eating utensils softed and food already pre-cut. You have lost all autonomy with your stunt.

Possibly the worst thing to arise from this is losing their trust. You have to earn it back and it’s entirely difficult to do so. You have no free will and they walk you around, deciding that no one else can take care of you like they can. No amount of pleading nor tears will have them change their mind so soon. Their words are always the same- “they aren’t trying to punish you even if it seems like that, but you have to understand that what you did wasn’t right.” You’re talked down to, told that you don’t know what’s right for you. They’ll sleep beside you, a lock on all the doors and their arms above you, keeping you trapped with them and forced to sleep in the same bed as them.

Due to your declining mental health, both Kai and Hari decide to be your therapist, or at least your outlet. They want to help you but it’s difficult for you to be let out- who knows what lies you would spread, they muse. It doesn’t matter what you say- you could insult them, cry and beg for death, or even just talk about a meal you dislike- all that matters is that you speak to them. They want to help you and having you suffer with your thought salone, believing that no one is there to help you, is something that they simply will not have. They care for you, but you must understand that your lack of freedom is something that you brought upon yourself. If it were anything else but this, they would have allowed you freedom much quicker, but you put the child in jeopardy and for that, you have to suffer the consequences and sit in your guilt until they feel that you’re better.

#tw self harm #tw dubious consent #tw pregnancy #tw forced marriage #tagging to be safe #this is heavy #llike in a different way than what i usally write #but it was fun to dissect what would happen #i hope this doesnt come off as pro-life #i just wanted to make sure that it was like understood that they dont want their kid gone #theyre controlling and in love #i think its sweet #like i know myself #if im kidnapped and confessed to #ill be like damn #okay whens the wedding #i know myself too well

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hi! I just recently found this blog and I want to say it’s been so informative and comforting for me as someone who’s questioning so thank you for this wonderful space. Lately, I’ve been questioning if I’m ace. Ironically enough, I first came across an ace blog that struck a chord with me on international asexuality day!! Truly felt meant to be but I doubt myself heavily so that’s where I need advice... I’ve been in a relationship for over 2 years and sex was a thing for the first few months but for me the desire slowly dropped off. I didn’t feel like I needed or wanted it anymore despite being perfectly happy in the relationship. That is a consistent pattern that’s happened with me for every serious relationship I’ve been in. I look at my current partner and I feel so much love for them, and I absolutely think they are attractive but I don’t feel the need to engage sexually with them. I think my partner is confused but they never ever give me a hard time or make me feel less than. I fear they think it’s because I’m not attracted to them at all (causing them to question their self image) or that I’m unhappy and want out of the relationship which is definitely not the case. I question my validity as an ace person because of the guilt mainly. I feel like I used to be someone who enjoyed sex occasionally so I feel as if I’ve duped them. I also think about the possibility that maybe I’m just suffering from some sort of sexual dysfunction due to hormones or something and by identifying as ace I’m actively taking away from the validity of the ace community. I hope that’s makes sense. It’s just an internal struggle :( I greatly appreciate any advice or words of wisdom you have to offer!

Alright so just to start with the medical side of things, if this is a consistent pattern with you in relationships, then it’s likely not any kind of medical issue. And it’s much more likely this is just the pattern that your orientation follows.

Honestly the only time I’d be really concerned is if your usual pattern changed and your sex drive suddenly dropped off, and even that could still just naturally be how you are, but it might be a good idea to talk to your doctor and just make sure there isn’t a medical reason behind it.

Disinterest in sex specifically usually isn’t a medical issue, though sometimes it may happen with something like depresssion or ptsd or something like that, but in cases like that there’d be a lot of other noticeable symptoms.

Though it’s also OK to identify as ace if there’s a medical reason behind it, the reasoning being if a label fits your experiences and is useful for you to use, it doesn’t really matter why you fit that experience, the fact is you do. And it’s up to the individual to decide if the label would be useful for them or right for them or not.

It isn’t an unusual pattern for ace people to start a relationship being interested in sex and for it to wane or fade as the relationship goes on. Some aces get less interested in sex the more they get to know someone and get closer to them (this can fall under the label fraysexual), some experience sexual attraction in an initial sudden burst and then it will fade or vanish (burstsexual). Not everything fits under a neat label, so if neither of these fit you don’t worry about it. But just to let you know it’s not unusual. Of course if one or both of these labels does strike a cord, feel free to look into them!

It’s very possible to not be interested in sex, but still attracted to your partner. There’s a lot of different types of attraction, and sexual attraction is just one of them. So for example it’s entirely possible for your interest in sex to fade, but to still be very much romantically attracted to your partner. And it doesn’t mean you love them any less, the sexual component just isn’t a part of it.

Honestly too I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. This is something completely outside of your control. The fact is too that we live in a society that tries to force people and orientations into very rigid boxes, you’re not doing anything wrong by not fitting that box.

I really wouldn’t worry about taking away from the validity from the ace community. It doesn’t really work that way. Identity’s a very personal thing, and it’s very important people feel free to explore and try things out when questioning, even if at the end of the process the person decides they’re not that label. So if you question being ace, even try out identifying as ace for a while, and then decide it’s not the right label for you, you’re not harming the ace community at all. In fact helping people figure out if they’re ace or not is one of the major functions of the community.

Instead I’d encourage you to look at it from a more personal level. Do you think identifying as ace would be useful for you? Do you think it would help you? Such as by giving you a better understanding of yourself or help you feel more comfortable with yourself or help you find community? Would it describe you the way you want to be described?

Identity also isn’t a large objective truth. What matters more is a label works for us than how perfectly accurate it is. Because in real life labels are quite simple but human are very complex.

Anyways this is a lot, but hopefully it’s helpful and gets you moving in a useful direction. For some people questioning will have a light bulb moment, but usually it takes time to reflect and adjust to a new identity. So don’t rush yourself and take the time you need to read up on things and consider what’s right for you. You may also find reading about other ace experiences useful too.

If you have more questions, or want anything clarified, please don’t be afraid to send in another ask.

All the best!

#Anonymous

[not-close-to-straight]

Just finished the chapter and am loving it. Glad to see that now that Pierce is gone Father Coulson can be himself. He came off as straight laced probably to help keep the piece. Seemed like Peter was too through and needed to know if he had a chance. I thought it was sweet that he made himself as appropriate as possible to speak with Coulson.

Peter is amazing. He has a wealth of "people" knowledge and practical skills that have kept him relatively safe and able to assess his situation. Read who was who in the notes so cool. That's going to be interesting.

Hank made an appearance. Sweet. The wife too and that's cool. Do you keep him beta because his is historically an abusive husband and putting him as alpha is just bad chemistry? Just wondering. He has been a big help in the now three stories I have read him in (yeah I'm a baby reader lol). Reluctant helper but sympathetic to a mate in trouble. You know when you said Eva was sending mail to the Doc I was expecting to see Lawrence Fishburne...but that dont jibe when you think about it so yeah lol.

You know who else is named Francis? Frank Castle. Yup. Just leave that right there. But yeah seems like Francis and the...what...Commander? Yeh that dude are trying to get Wade right where they want him. I wonder who it is. Weasel mention...cool.

Side question...is Matt Murdock mated to anyone? Ever think of Matt/Frank? Not in this story just in general. Not trying to Harp on Frank lol all of this just came to me as I am typing. I will stop now.

Father Coulson is definitely straight laced but we also didn't really see him one on one in LAL and I wanted to fix that in BAB. LAL verse got so huge some of my side characters didn't get the recognition I wanted for them so this is my chance to show them off lol

Okay but honestly though-- anyone involved in *customer service* jobs (literally anything from waitressing to sex work and everything in between) knows just how important it is to be able to read people to make sure every interaction goes smoothly. In waitressing it's like "hey make sure and talk to the wife so she doesn't feel like you're flirting with the husband" and in sex work sometimes its literally "how to approach this situation so I don't end up dead". So the scene where Peter sort of catalogues the group and can pick out the most dangerous and then the easiest with only a look-- I felt like that was super realistic for what he does and what he's had to do just to survive this long.

So the Beta designation in my fics-- depending on how intense the verse is, sometimes there's a legit in verse reason for why that person would be Beta gendered, like Father Coulson being a Beta because he wouldn't pose that biological "challenge" to other Alphas or run the risk of compromising counseling with Omegas cos his Alpha hormones/instincts would kick in with a distraught Omega.

Doctors are usually Betas in my fics for the same reason-- their scents aren't as strong, they aren't swayed in crazy ways for hormones and rut or heat cycles. Dr. Banner is a Beta, so is Hank Pym, it just fits the in verse dynamics better. And since my characters are almost always based on their MCU counterparts vs the comic counterpart, Hank being an ab*sive husband doesn't really come into play here.

I ALMOST switched Hank for Bill Foster because it wouldn't have affected the verse much AND it would have better matched the MCU Canon to have Bill helping Eva but I really loved the Hank Pym dynamic from MTW and wanted to recreate it here for it's familiarity.

Matt Murdock doesn't have a mate in this verse, in LAL there's several hints that he's sweet on Peter and that Peter is well aware of it (and so is Wade, for jealous reasons). I haven't watched any of the daredevil or jessica jones or the other Marvel series shows yet so I'm just not very familiar with the characters or how to write them beyond the generics. BUT once they drop to Disney+ I'll switch over and watch them. My verses have gotten so big I'm ready to add new characters and since MCU is exploding into the multiverse, these characters will probably come up more and it'll be fun to sprinkle them into the fics

[rallamajoop]

...and the unironic joys of better living through chemistry

How do I love Venom: The Hunger, let me count the ways…

It’s by far the shippiest Venom/Eddie story to come out of the character’s heyday. It’s the only story of the era to treat Venom’s violent wild-animal instincts not as an immutable fact, but as something that can be managed. It pulls off an aesthetic like nothing else that was being done at the time.

And then there’s the way it says, Does the world around you seem sinister and foreboding? Do you lie awake at night contemplating metaphorical oceans of despair? Well shit, son – have you considered you may be suffering from a mundane neurochemical imbalance, and a round of the right meds could clear that right up for you?

It does all this without breaking the atmosphere, without a whiff that our story has been interrupted for a Very Special Message about mental health.

In the near-decade since I was first prescribed anti-depressants, I don’t think I’ve read another story that lands the message “Sometimes, it’s not you, it’s just your brain chemistry,” so well.

Fair warning: if you have not read The Hunger, I am about to spoil every major plot point. If you have, well, maybe I can still give you a new appreciation for a few details you might have missed.

It’s a strange book, whatever else you take from it. It’s almost the only thing either author or artist contributed to the Venom canon, and it’s so different stylistically and tonally from the 90′s Venom norm that it feels like a tale from some noir-elseworlds setting instead of 616 canon. When you take risks that big with a property, you leave yourself precious little landing space between 'unmitigated triumph’ and ‘abject failure’: if this book hadn’t absolutely nailed it, I’d be dismissing it as edgy, OOC dreck. Fortunately, if The Hunger is nothing else, it is a story that $&#@ing commits – to basically everything it does.

Now, I'm not going to tell you Venom: The Hunger is a story about overcoming depression, because I don't know whether author Len Kaminski even thought about it that way while working on it. There's always space for other readings, and this one take is not gospel. That said: holy shit is this thing unsubtle with its metaphors. And with that in mind, let’s start by talking a little about Kaminski’s take on Eddie himself.

As I may have mentioned before, I like to divide 90′s Eddie into two broad personas: the Meathead, and the Hobo.

Kaminski’s Eddie nominally belongs in the angsty, long-haired Hobo incarnation, but that’s a bit of a simplification: this version certainly has plenty of angst and plenty of hair to his name – but nowhere, not even at his lowest ebb, does he doubt that he and his Other are meant for each other, which is usually Hobo!Eddie’s primary existential quandary.

He’s also taken up narrating his own life like a hardboiled PI.

So that’s... novel.

The only other time Eddie’s sounded like this is, er, in that one other Venom one-shot Kaminski penned (Seed of Darkness, a prequel that sadly isn’t in The Hunger’s league), so I think we can safely file it under authorial ticks.

Then again, Hobo!Eddie’s always been one melodramatic SOB, so maybe this is just how he’d sound after learning to channel his angst into his poetry. You can’t argue it fits the aesthetic, anyway.

We’d also be remiss not to mention Ed Halsted’s art, which I can only describe as gothic-meets-noir-meets-H.R.-Giger. Never before or since has the alien symbiote looked this alien: twisted with Xenompoph-like ridges and veins.

But Halsted doesn’t treat Venom to all that extra detail in every panel. Instead, the distortion tends to appear when the symbiote is separated from Eddie or out of control – and I doubt you need me to walk you through the symbolic importance of that creative decision. More importantly, Halsted’s art provides exactly the class of visuals that Kaminski’s story needs.

Did I mention this is a horror story? You might be surprised how few Venom stories really fit that genre, but if all those adjectives about Halsted’s style above didn’t clue you in, this is one of them.

Anyway, with that much context covered, let’s get into the main narrative of this thing.

As our first issue opens, Eddie’s world has become a dark and foreboding place. He’s not sleeping, though he mostly brushes this off. (Fun fact: trouble sleeping is one of those under-appreciated symptoms of depression. Additional fun fact: the first doctor ever to suggest I might be suffering from depression was actually a sleep specialist. You can guess how that appointment was going.)

Just to set our scene, here’s all of page 1.

Eddie’s narration has plenty of (ha) venom for his surroundings, but the visuals are here to back him up: panels from Eddie’s POV are edged in twisted, fleshy borders and drained of colour, the people rendered as creepy, goblin-like creatures. A couple of later scenes go even further to contrast Eddie-vision with what everyone else is seeing:

As depictions of depression go this is a little on the nose, but then, you don’t read a comic about a brain-eating alien parasite looking for subtlety, do you?

Eddie  doesn’t see himself as depressed, of course. As far as he’s concerned, he’s seeing the world’s true face: it’s everyone else who’s deluding themselves. He’s still got his symbiote, so he’s happy. He’s yet to hit that all-important breaking point where something he can’t brush off goes irrevocably wrong.

But he’s also starting to experience these weird... cravings.

He just can’t put a name to exactly what he’s craving until a routine bar fight with a couple of thugs takes a turn for the horrific.

(I include this panel partly to point out even in The Hunger, the goriest of all 90′s Venom titles, you’re still not going to see brains getting eaten in any graphic detail. We don’t need to to get the horror of the moment across. The 90′s were a more innocent time.)

Eddie himself is horrified when he comes back to himself and realises what he’s done.

Or rather, what his symbiote’s just made him do.

Kaminski doesn’t keep us in suspense about why, though. Eddie may have just done something horrific, but there’s a reason, and it’s as mundane as a vitamin deficiency. He’s bonded to an alien creature, after all, and his symbiote is craving a nutrient which just happens to be found in human brains. And if Eddie can’t or won’t help it meet that need, it’ll do so alone. 

Now, giving us that explanation so quickly is an interesting creative decision: this is a horror story, and horror lives in what we don’t know. Wouldn’t it be all the more horrifying had the symbiote been unable to explain what’s going on, leaving Eddie without the first real clue as to where this monstrous new hunger had come from?

The Hunger doesn’t take that route though, and I love it. Eddie isn’t a monster, this isn’t his fault: he has a fucking condition, and wallowing in his own moral failings is going to get him nowhere. You might as well try to cure scurvy or rickets with positive thinking. Just like depression can make you feel like an utter failure at the most basic parts of being human, and all the affirmations in the world won’t fix it when it’s fundamentally your brain chemistry that’s the problem. Or like addicts aren’t weak-willed for struggling not to relapse, they’re dealing with genuine chemical dependency – or even like how someone who’s trans isn’t at fault for being unable to reconcile themselves to the bodies and the hormones they were born with by pure force of trying. Free will is more than an illusion, but we’re all messy, biological organisms underneath, and your own brain and biochemistry can and will fuck you over in a hundred wildly different ways for as many wildly different reasons and it’s not your fault.

We aren’t monsters. But if we do, sometimes, find ourselves identifying with the monster, there might be a reason for that.

(Ahem)

I’m just saying, that’s fucking powerful, and we need more stories that say it.

Anyway, in case you missed it during that tangent, issue #1 closes with the symbiote having torn Eddie’s heart in two itself free to go hunting brains without him.

I’m trying not to get too sidetracked at this point talking about Kaminski’s take on the symbiote itself. Suffice to say there are broadly two schools of thought on how it ought to function while separated from its host: the traditional ambulatory-slime-puddle version, and the more recently popular alternative where anything-you-can-do-with-a-host-you-can-also-do-without-one. I’m not much of a fan of the latter, personally: if your symbiote doesn’t actually need a host, I feel you’ve sort of missed the point. (The movie takes the route of saying symbiotes can’t even process Earth’s atmosphere without a host, which is a great new idea that appears nowhere in the comics, and I love it. Hosts or GTFO, baby!)

Kaminski has his own take, and I can only wish it had caught on. Without Eddie, the symbiote becomes an ever-shifting insectoid-tentacle-snake-monstrosity, driven by an animalistic hunger. It’s many things, but it’s never humanoid.

If you absolutely must have your symbiote operating minus a host, I feel this is the way to do it: semi-feral, shapeless and completely alien (uncontrollable violence and cravings for brains to be added to taste).

Issue #2 comes to us primarily through the perspective of the mild-mannered Dr. Thaddeus Paine of the Innsmouth Hills Sanitarium (yes, really).

Yeah, he’s not fooling anyone. Meet our official villain! He joins our story after Eddie is picked up by the police and handed off to the nearest available institution, on account of how completely sane and rational he’s been acting.

Naturally, Dr. Paine soon has copious notes on Eddie’s ‘crazy’ story about his psychic link to a brain-eating alien monster. Fortunately for Eddie, Paine also runs some tests and makes an interesting discovery. 

Congratulations, Venom: the ‘vitamin’ you were missing officially has a name!

Finding the right meds isn’t always this easy. I got lucky – the first ones my psych put me on worked pretty well – but I have plenty of friends who weren't so lucky. In fact, the treatment for Eddie's problems is so straightforward it arguably has more in common with, say, endocrine disorders like thyroid conditions or Addison’s disease, which differ from clinical depression but present many similar symptoms (but can sadly be just as much of a bitch to get correctly diagnosed – please do read author Maggie Stiefvater’s account of the latter when you get the chance, because forget Venom, that is a horror story).

‘True’ depression remains much less well understood by medicine, either in its causes or how to effectively treat it. But simply having a name for what was wrong with me made so much difference, and that’s an experience I imagine anyone who’s dealt with any long undiagnosed medical condition could relate to. It put my life in context in a way nothing else had in years.

(I can’t speak to the accuracy of the way phenethylamine is portrayed in this comic – a quick google suggests there may be some real debate that phenethylamine deficiencies have been overlooked as a contributor to clinical depression, but having no medical background, that one’s well beyond me. Either way, scientific accuracy really doesn’t matter in this context – it’s how it works in-universe for story purposes that we should pay attention to.)

Since this issue is mostly from Paine’s POV, we don’t get Eddie’s reaction to having a healthy amount of phenethylamine sloshing around in his brain again, just the assurance that treatment appears to be ‘completely successful’.

He’s still a paranoid, hostile bastard though. Meds can turn your life around, but they won’t make you not you.

But even if Eddie’s feeling better, he’s still psychically linked to someone who isn’t. Symbiote-vision still comes through drained of colour and edged in viscera.

That’s the thing about meds: they won’t solve all your problems overnight. If you’ve been depressed for a while, there are good odds you have problems stacking up. But working meds can be a godsend when it comes to getting you into a space where you can deal with your problems again, whether said problems are doing-your-laundry or all the way into not-giving-up-completely-and-just-accepting-you’ll-die-alone-on-the-street.

For Eddie, ‘dealing with his problems’ begins with stealing a keycard and busting out of the asylum.

Of course, that’s the easy part. How do you solve a problem like a feral symbiote? Like any good 90′s comic book protagonist, Eddie tackles it by putting on his big-boy camouflage pants and kitting himself out with weapons and pouches while quoting “If you live something, set it free. If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down.”

We can add this to the list of things I love about this comic. Even if The Hunger is a weirdly-stylistic tract about depression at heart, it’s also still a goddamn 90′s Venom comic, and not ashamed to be.

We’re into issue #3 now, and back to hearing the story from Eddie’s POV.

Eddie is very much aware that his symbiote has murdered innocent people while they’ve been separated. Even if this is the result of extreme circumstances, there’s a good case to be made that the symbiote is too dangerous to be allowed to live. Plenty of heroes would treat it like a rabid dog at this point.

But Eddie isn’t a hero, he’s a mess of a character and an anti-hero at best, so we don’t have to hold him to the same standard. He’s well aware his symbiote may be too far gone to save, that he may have to put it down – but that’s only his backup plan. He wants to help it. He wants it back. He’s down in that sewer with screamers and a flamethrower because he knows all his symbiote’s weaknesses, but he’s also carrying a large jar of black-market synthesised phenethylamine, because if he can just get close enough...

Depression can’t make you a literal monster, but it can make you an asshole. Miserable to be around, lacking even the energy to care who else you’re hurting. The depression doesn’t excuse that, but it makes everything harder, and it’s that much easier to sink back into your spiral when everyone around you has given up. It can make you think everyone around has given up even if that isn’t true.

So to have Eddie here say, in effect, I don’t care how many people you’ve eaten, I know it wasn’t your fault. I still love you. You’re still worth fighting for – god, does that get me right in the id.

There’s still a whole issue left at this point – we’ve still got to deal with our real villain, Dr. Paine, who we’ve just learned is into eating brains himself and torturing his patients recreationally, and who wants to capture the symbiote for his own purposes. There’s the scene where Eddie and his symbiote finally bond again, and Venom beats up all Paine’s goons while singing David Bowie because like I said, this is still a 90′s superhero comic and this is what Venom does.

But for our purposes, I'm going to skip to the penultimate page of the story, because the way it mirrors our opening page is really lovely.

Remember that shot of Eddie dealing with a beggar back at the beginning of the story, thinking about how these people would 'get their despair all over you'? Here he is again, cheerfully forking over the last dollar in his pocket to the next man to ask him for change. For all the gothic atmosphere and gore, it’s moments like this that make The Hunger easily one of the most positive, uplifting Venom stories ever written. Funny, that. (I could probably write a whole other essay on sympathy for the homeless as a recurring motif in Venom stories, but that... well, whole other essay and all that.)

What’s Eddie learned from this experience? Don’t take your symbiote for granted. Is ‘symbiote’ a metaphor for mental health here, is paying attention to its needs an allegory for paying attention to your own? I still don’t know how literally Kaminski meant us to take this, but it’s a lovely note to end on no matter how you parse it.

At the end of the day, The Hunger isn’t flawless. The conflict with Paine ends on a thematic but slightly unsatisfying note. Eddie makes much of his symbiote's loneliness and desire for union, but when the two of them are finally reunited, the only reaction comes from Eddie's side. In fact, the symbiote seems to have no response to being able to return to Eddie at all, and that’s an omission that bugs me.

But Kaminski is more interested than any other writer of the era in the truly alien nature of the symbiote, in its relationship with Eddie from Eddie’s side, and though plenty of others talk about the symbiote's love/hate relationship with Spider-man, no-one else had the guts to portray their relationship this much like a romance.

And Venom: The Hunger is no less interesting in the context of Len Kaminski’s other work. You don't have to look far into his Marvel and DC credits to pick up that the guy has a real thing for monsters. (“All of my favourite characters are outlaws, misfits, anti-heroes,” he says, in one of the very few interviews I could find with him, “I wouldn't know what to do with Superman.”) He's written for vampires, werewolves, victims of mad science, and all of three at once, littering his work with biochemistry-themed technobabble, melodramatic monologues, gratuitous pop-culture references, and protagonists who must learn to embrace their inner demons. So The Hunger represents more than a few of his favourite running themes.

For our context, his more notable other work includes Children of the Beast, in which a werewolf must make peace between his human and animalistic sides, and The Creeper, in which a journalist must make peace with the crazy super-powered alter-ego sharing his body. In fact, The Creeper and The Hunger share so much DNA (including an evil doctor posing as a respected psychiatrist who uses hypnosis on our hero while he's trapped in a mental institution) that it’s quite the achievement that they still feel like such very distinct entities beyond that point.

The human alter-egos of both werewolf and Creeper even use prescription meds while wrestling with their respective dark sides. The difference, in both cases, is that these are stories where meds play their traditional fictional role – and that's a role that could be as easily filled by illegal drugs or alcohol without making any substantive difference. You see, if a protagonist is using them, it's a sign of unwillingness to tackle their 'real' problems. Even among work by the same author in the same genre, The Hunger represents an outlier. And that's just a little disappointing – at least to me.

In real life, of course, prescription meds are no magical cure-all elixir. Depression meds that work for one person may not work for another, or may not keep working in the longer term. Everyone has heard stories about quack doctors who prescribe them to the wrong patients for the wrong reasons, about lives ruined by addictions to prescription painkillers, or the supposedly-damning statistics about how poorly SSRI's perform in rigorous clinical trials. The proper way to treat depression is obviously with lifestyle and therapy. People will still airily dismiss medications that we all know previous generations got along just fine without, or suggest that figures like Van Gogh would never have created great art if they hadn't been mad enough to slice off an ear. I mean, the fact you think you need those bogus mediations is probably the best possible sign of just how broken you are, right? Who do you think you’re kidding?

Our popular fiction loves stories about manly men who bury their trauma under a gruff, anti-social exterior and come back swinging at the world that broke them, bravely refusing even painkillers that might dull their manly reflexes. Other genres make space for broken people confronting their demons in grand moments of catharsis, finally breaking down into tears when someone gets through to make them face their problems. "I could barely make it out of bed in the mornings until I found a doctor who started me on this new prescription" is not only wildly counter to the accepted social narrative, it's a hard thing to know how to dramatise.

 Even other Venom comics have been guilty of this.

Believe me, I recognise all of this, and just how much progress we've made in the last few decades. But I haven't the slightest doubt that for so many vulnerable people, the stigma against prescription medications does infinitely more harm than those same meds could ever do. And just having the right to externalise my problems into it's not you, it's your brain chemistry, may have helped me more than the meds themselves.

(And again, no, being prescribed SSRI's didn't fix me overnight, but I honestly don't know if all the talk therapy and tearful conversations with family members in the world could've got me as far as I've come without them.)

I love Venom: The Hunger. It's no-one's idea of high art, but it doesn’t need to be. There is a whole other post’s worth of things I love about it that I’ve already cut out this one as pointless tangents, and that may actually be it’s biggest drawback as a go-to example: I fully recognise that I would not be making this post if The Hunger hadn't also also grabbed me as a great bit of Venom canon, being the massive fan and shipper that I am. Other people who are just as desperate as me for more stories with the same core theme, but not into weird 90's comics about needy goo aliens, probably won't get nearly as much out of it as I have.

But if it sounds anything like your jam, maybe you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

If nothing else, it proves that you can make a viscerally satisfying story out of a message that shockingly unconventional. And you may even have people still discovering it and falling in love with it 25 years after the fact.

#Venom: The Hunger #Venom #depression #SSRIs #Symbrock #Venom meta #meta #Venom comics #Len Kaminski