#i hate when i do that cause i wake up at like 2 am super disoriented and feeling shitty

[pinkspiraling]

it’s time to drink :) i’m sleepy tho i feel like i’m gonna end up falling asleep

#i hate when i do that cause i wake up at like 2 am super disoriented and feeling shitty #pink never shuts up

[pupkashi]

Some drabble ideas cause why not :

- His s/o buying super expensive stuff for Satoru

- Imagine how he would react the first time you call him by pet name (or surname like 'Toru or 'Ru🥰🥺)

- Taking a nape w him

- How he would react the first time he sees u on ur periods, and how he'll treats you

- Where he likes to being kissed/touched

All these for Gojo cause we'll never have enough of him (and I love the way you write him<3)

anon u are an absolute genius ✍🏼✍🏼✍🏼 also I’m in tears bc of ur compliment i am gonna print this and hang it on a wall <3 also got a bit carried away w some of these 🤭

okay but 1) he would definitely love whatever u get him but scold you because he wants you to save ur money and spend it on urself but on the inside he is cheering and giddy because omg did you save up for a gift just for him :’ ))

rest are under the cut <3

2) i think he’d freeze a bit when you first call him toru and just drop everything and look u in the eye and make you say it again because his heart just burst and the only way he’d continue to live is hearing u say that again, after that he doesn’t respond to gojo coming from you anymore sometimes he’ll even ignore you calling him satoru because he wants you to call him ‘toru or the pet names you call him like angel, honey or sweetheart (which started because you said he eats so much sweets his heart might as well be a conversation heart)

3) i headcanon that satoru is the worst to nap with and i will die on that hill,, he will spend the entire time you’re supposed to be napping giggling and being overly affectionate, then when you say you have to go do whatever it is you gotta do he pulls you down and says ‘really this time’ so u set a timer and then when the timer goes off he just shuts it off and coaxes u back to sleep until you wake up naturally two or three hours later and his excuse is “how am i supposed to live myself knowing my lover is tired? you need rest I’m doing you a favor <;3”

4) not the best when he first finds out ngl 😭 i feel like he’d be weary around you at first because doesn’t wanna put you in a bad mood but then you cry because you think hated you and then as time goes on he figures out when to be clingy and when to give you space ,,, will buy you those plushies that you can heat up from cramps and lots and lots of pain killers ,, will make you tea to help with cramps ‘i saw a video saying this tea with honey is really good for cramps so i made you some :3’ ,, definitely indulges allllllll of your cravings especially those that also satiate his sweet tooth ,, overall very caring and i will def make a headcanon abt this on its own 😭😭

5) i am a firm believer that gojo loves, adores even, nose kisses !!!! a small smile on his face and he has to stop himself from practically squealing when you lean over and press a soft kiss to the tip of his nose <333 >.< loves when you kiss his forehead too or his knuckles when they’re a little red or bruised after a bad fight, specially after you’ve just finished wiping the blood away and wrapping them :((( ,,, he loves when you touch / play with the hair at the nape of his neck, he just feels so close to you and so relaxed and god he never wants to leave your arms </3 also loves when you scratch his back before going to sleep or when you squeeze his thigh when he’s sitting next to you also secretly loves when u smack his butt when he’s bent over doing or getting something but he will never tell u that ,, loves loves loves !!! when you touch his abs or chest,, his confidence will just shoot through the roof when your hands begin wandering down his abdomen during a make out or cuddle session, never failing to smirk and say ‘like what you feel’ to which you’d either indulge him or scoff and roll your eyes, pulling your hand away only for him to whine and put your hand back saying ‘okay okay I’m sorry please don’t stop’ ,,,, lord have mercy

#we just got a letter #send in more stuff plz plz !! #drabbles <3 #gojo satoru fluff #gojo satoru x reader #gojo fluff #gojo x reader #gojo satoru imagine #gojo drabble #gojo satoru drabble

[peachteaships]

peach, I'm so sorry for the influx of negativity you're being forced to deal with ;;; you don't deserve it, and I hope whoever is behind that blog gets a life and leaves you and the rest of the community out of it... i hope your nap makes you feel a lil better, and know genie is gonna be there to give you so much love as soon as you wake up 🩵

Hey, amigo, and it's not really me that's dealing with it as much personally, but I really do wish people would leave my friends alone. Especially this one because this person doesn't deserve this shit at all.

Putting this under a read more cause I've kinda gone off on a rant/ramble.

This is gonna sound bad, probably for my mental well-being and whatnot, but I'd rather be the one dealing with the hate from people than my friends getting it. Cause like, tbh I'm surprised I haven't gotten shit cause 1. I'm super vocal about stuff in the community. 2. I'm mostly she/her leaning she/they nonbinary and i don't really "act" like I'm nonbinary and 3. I'm a bisexual asexual. I've dealt with people telling me "it's a phase" cause of the asexuality or I'm a "cheater" cause I'm bi, but I've surprisingly haven't gotten any flack for being both. But in all honestly, I'd rather be dealing with the hate myself than see my friends go through it when they don't deserve it.

What's really also tiring me out is that shit like this keeps happening or shit keeps happening or popping up. Like the community isn't already filled with enough hell enough as it is. Like I said, I don't start drama or want to be involved, but I'd step in if I have to or if someone close to me is being targeted or if I'm asked to by a close friend. I said it once, and I'll say it again; I don't bite often, but when I do, it's for those I care about.

I rambled probably quite a bit and probably am not making sense, but I'm trying to get my thoughts across or at least understood.

And yeah, I could really go for that extra loving from Genie tbh.

#peach answers

[peekaboo-icyou]

Love the mafia au!

Can I request Will coming home stressed and u make him relax <3

Omg of course thank you for the ask I love this idea

“It’s ok…”

So wilbur has been coming home late lately and he’s been overworking himself trying to stop an all out rivalry with another gang that used to be an ally to wils gang, so you haven’t seen him often because he’s been coming home late so your usually asleep. It’s 2 am and your asleep in bed until you hear the front door slam you wake up and slowly get out of bed and go outside, you see your boyfriend he’s kicking his shoes off and throwing his jacket off, he’s clearly pissed, until he sees you and his face softens “Wil?” His softened expression soon turns into a frown “did I wake you?” You nod “I’m sorry darling” “it’s ok…come here…” he walks over to you and hugs you, you drag him to your shared bedroom, you sit on the bed and pat your lap “come come” he yawns and rests his head in your lap, you try to pull him up so he’s laying on your chest but he’s to heavy, he laughs and crawls up to your chest and rests his head down, you start to play with his hair, “so talk to me what’s wrong” he sighs “it’s just I’m trying to stop another gang from becoming a rival of ours and none of its working I’ve offered everything we have I don’t know why they are starting to go against us” you play with his hair more “did you ask them?” “I-mean no but what’s that gunna do?” “Help you change what they don’t like” he sighs “I hate that your right, I’m just not the best at confronting people…” you smile and raise an eyebrow “oh really?” “Yes really” “hmm cause I remember multiple times where I asked for a certain thing at a restaurant and when they got it wrong you went to the kitchen and demanded that the chef fix it” he sighs again grumpily “yeah but that was for you” “well maybe you need to be more selfish” “more selfish? I already am super selfish” you smile “maybe a little bit more?” He rolls his eyes “fine” you smile “and don’t over work your self I’m already proud of you…” he blushes and smiles softly “really?” “Of course, just maybe not the um killing part of your job though…” he chuckles “now go get changed into pajamas so we can sleep, unless you wanna take a shower?” He nods

#wilbur x reader #wilbur x y/n #wilbur x you #mcyt x you #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur x reader fluff #mcyt wilbur #mcyt x reader #mafia au

[2dents]

20 Questions for fic Writers!

Okay so, I was tagged by @outtoshatter and I'm just going to take a swing at this. Here we go.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Currently 22.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

202,411.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I mainly write for Dungeons and Daddies, Nark specifically. But I also have a couple in there for the Teen Wolf Sterek fandom.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

But You Have Heard of Me [ Teen Wolf, M, Wc: 82,014] (my baby!) The Taste of Perfume [DnDads, M, Wc: 58,717] (wip) Sudoku [DnDads, G, Wc: 5,226] Uno Attack [Dndads, G, Wc: 5,717] A Consuming Faith [Dndads, E, Wc: 33,963] (My baby wip! I'm aiming for another 80k with this one.)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Absolutely I do! If someone takes the time out of their day to not only read my silly little stories, but also comment on them, I will absolutely reply! Unless they're mean I guess? I haven't had any mean/rude comments yet so knock on wood. lol

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I love angst. I write it into a lot of things. But as far as endings go... hmm. Well I guess that title would currently go to one of my drabbles, A Done Deal [DnDads, G, Wc: 100] but without giving away spoilers one of my wips is going to take that title as soon as I get around to writting it lol.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh, But You Have Heard of Me [ Teen Wolf, M, Wc: 82,014]. My baby~! Happy ending and maybe one day it will have a happy sequel.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I feel like I'm going to jinx myself by saying no. I haven't recieved any rude or hateful comments on any of my fics. Not even when I posted on LJ.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I am not confident when it comes to writing smut. I used to write a lot of it back on LJ. Now I just Fade To Black, but I do have plans to maybe write some for a wip. But idk we will see when we get there.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Nope! I wrote a fusion fic, But You Have Heard of Me [ Teen Wolf, M, Wc: 82,014] but no crossovers.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I had I believe 2 fics translated on LJ, but not on Ao3

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Hahaha, yes! On LJ my irl bestie and I wrote a fic together! It was very cute, we each did a chapter following one half of the ships pov. I'd love to do it again some day it was super fun! What I really wanna do is get a bunch of different writers involved in doing a collaboration where the characters are stuck waking up in different timelines, so each chapter could be a different one-shot by a different author but they all connect. I think it would be fun.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Sora/Riku. I don't write for this ship but I will fight god about them. I've been obsessed with them since I was 12 and played Kingdom Hearts. I have fics I've been re-reading for alkjsdflks way too long omg. When I played Kh3 and Riku showed up I screamed so loud it scared my partner. You can pry them from my cold dead fingers okay.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Hahaha, I just recently posted this fic to my Ao3. A Divine Move [Teen Wolf, M, 8,676] Stiles is a horror game character (based off games like Until Dawn and The Blair Witch Project) and Derek is from a dating sim (Based off Hunnypop lol) It was going to get an E rating cause I had some absolutely slasher ideas for Stiles game and the plot was loosely adapted from Wreck-It-Ralph. So, maybe one day I'll get the inspiration back, but as of now it's just not there.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I have been told I have a very clear writing voice and that I'm very good at setting a scene and showing it to the reader. I think my main strength is my humor. lol I find myself very funny.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

A lack of confidence alksdfjalksd. I get so anxious trying to make sure that the movie in my head is being translated into word correctly that I sometimes over do things. Also I have the absolute worst grammar, and spelling omg.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

If I don't speak the language enough to be confident that I'm using the words correctly I just do the "They said in language" kinda thing.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Okay, lmao. Okay okay. It was for the Gorillaz back when Demon Days had just come out.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

My two babies that I'm the most proud of are

But You Have Heard of Me [ Teen Wolf, M, Wc: 82,014]

I spent a year writting it and I made several friends because of it. It is my baby and I love it. I re-read it and still laugh at it.

A Consuming Faith [Dndads, E, Wc: 33,963]

I have been putting so much work into this fic and it's really pushing me as a writer. I have been obsessed with cult and demons since I was young, probably too young lol, so this is just basically 3 of my hyper-fixations coming together in a fun way. I have big plans for this fic and I'm very excited about it. I've been working on it for 7 months now, and I'm really hoping I can finish it before the end of the year.

Thanks for the tag! I'm going to tag some people and maybe they'll play along too, no pressure though and I have no clue what I'm doing so sorry if you didn't want to be tagged. @evanesdust @nottoolateforthegame @siogosho @missanniewhimsy @calamity-unlocked

#20 questions for writers #sometimes I do the little tag games

[mareliini]

A rare personal vent time in this time and age lmao

Feels like im boiling up, put on small simmer but it's been going on for months. I'm trying to do the sensible adult thing and vent less online, especially when, now I 1) have come to realise how stressful it is to be on the receiving end and 2) I don't have proper "anonymous" channel to just yell my stuff into void. I've been on sites too long, know too many people I don't want to cause stress to, etc.

I do think it's healthier to not vent online and I do go to therapy but it's also different sensation to complain online and be excactly as pitiful and meme-brained as you need to while doing it, versus talking to 60y old nice lady once a month desperately trying to come up with scenarios she would understand without needing to explain 5 levels of current brainrot. And also just the feel of sharing your pain with bigger audience, even if that audience is anonymous silent users who don't care.

But I'm super tired and stressed all the time. I can barely sleep without anxiety medication and when I manage to sleep it takes ages to wake up. I have things I should do and know I need to do, but first time ever in my life I'm just too tired to even attempt to do them. Can't muster the energy to fill a simple form. Like my tiredness overwrote my anxiety of needing to do stuff? That is very new. I disappear from online spaces, I don't feel joy anymore, just fleeting moments of Not Feeling Anxious. Even normal friend gathetings I usually enjoy are now more or less overwritten by anxiety of Wait Do Everyone Hate Me Actually? and I Am Reading Everyone's Microexpressions To Determine If They Are Happy Or Not. and that's not fair or cool for me nor them. I'd say panic attacks are new but actually I'm just now connecting dots with them.

And yeah I know it's depression I know!! I used to have it!! For years!! And then I was better for some 5 years and it came back and feels more crushing this time because now I know how life is supposed to feel like. I guess for the positives I can now recognise when Bad Thoughts are just brain being stupid and not reality, but it makes it no less annoying.

#me tag #it's nothing bad just my depression is back and that sucks #and i sometimes miss yelling stuff online #it's not a good practise but listen. listen #it just feels nice sometimes

[lilsprite-dreamlog]

4/6/15

I found this note from 9 years ago. Huge trigger warning ⚠️

Saving this in my lil online journal to remind myself how far I have come in my mental health journey.

Continue reading at your own detriment.

I constantly wake up and wonder why. why i am so lucky every single fucking day. My mind is a hurricane going straight for a radiation plant conveniently located to a large city filled of hopeless people waiting for their demise. my emotions are like a menopausal woman's a/c unit. hot and cold. cold and hot. i want to run. far away from everything that reminds me of the shit person i have become, start anew. yet i want to stay...locked in my room with all the candy and video games a gamer could want. and just one sharp blade. a large bottle of motrin. maybe a gun would do it. i certainly couldn’t hang myself. i like the thought of a gun. to have whatever is left inside of my hollow emotionless body sprayed across the walls and ceilings. it could be my final painting i ever paint. a red painting of pain.

i say these terrible things to myself and i wonder. why do i have these tendencies? why do i want to die as soon as i am bestowed with the gift of life when i wake up from another sleepless night filled with tears and denial and regret and pain and hate. and yet i feel as though my days are like a sunny rainy day. have you ever been somewhere where its sunny with barely any clouds but it’s still raining? thats how i would describe my life right now.

i love my life and everything in it. my mom dad brother all love me. i have great friends also. i have 2 dogs that are my life. i am young and “healthy”. why isn’t this enough for me. why do i want this? why do i want this all to go away?

i am not afraid of death. is that why i wish it upon myself? is it because i cant handle living in fucked up society anymore? living to work, working to live? that is not the life i want. unfortunately that is the only thing anybody can do in this life. not so bad if you do what you love for the rest of your life right? but what do i love? i am such a wildfire and i am not consistent. only when it comes to anime but in other things in life i cannot seem to grasp something that keeps me grounded. that is why i am scared to try hard drugs cause i know for sure i would be hooked. same reason why i dont gamble. i love drinking too much and i dont tell anyone that.

i smile everyday and laugh. when really i want to scream so fucking hard my lungs fall out of my throat and i cant breathe anymore. every time i drive my truck i do a small prayer a drunk driver kills me. sometimes i drive super fast and take my belt off and close my eyes then take my hands off the wheel. sometimes i put the blade to my skin but people will notice so i just do a small one when really i want to know how it feels to be stabbed in the heart. i know i have done it to many unfortunate souls that have seen some kind of light in my eyes. sometimes i put a handful of pills in my mouth.

i wonder if im fucked up like this because of my past. my cousin raped me when i was young. i was like 3 or 4. i was too young to know what he was doing was bad. so he did it for awhile then it stopped. now i am fucked up in bed. i like it crazy. but deep down i don’t enjoy sex. it doesn’t feel good to me. but rather i enjoy the act of taking each others clothes and being bad. maybe thats my problem i enjoy being bad. but i know thats not it because i’ve never stolen anything in my life ha.

so what is it? why do you hate yourself so much that you want to die? i’m coo coo thats for damn sure. what i really need is to be locked up in a hospital so i don’t hurt anyone else. but hospitals give me horrible anxiety and the shrinks are just snitches with degrees and nice clothing. wolves in sheep clothing thats all they are. one of my shrinks wanted to send me to rehab. another one was turning me against my family, he sucked. if i ever go to a mental house i will definitely kill myself. or i will turn into all the people there. sometimes i feel like i belong there though because i don’t feel much of anything anymore just sadness. i am crazy on the outside but i am a normal moody 20 year old.

maybe i should do something bad so i can go to jail the rest of my life and be a loser. then piss off some lady named dorris and have her shank me with a plastic fork. yeah i’ve thought about that path can you tell? ‘damn’ you must be thinking. ‘what the fuck is wrong this girl’. i have no fucking idea and i wish i did.

my mom was such an amazing parent to me and i didn’t fucking deserve any of it. i don’t deserve it. i don’t deserve all the love that is given to me. at all. i don’t deserve anything, thinking these thoughts. i wake up and cry because i still exist. i cry because i hate myself. i cry because i’m so fucking worthless. i am such a piece of shit and i know it. i have more fucking issues than vogue. if i don’t kill myself now i will eventually do it. before i start to get wrinkles joint pain and go deaf i will.

i’m so fucking selfish to think these thoughts and praying to die when my mom is fighting for her life. she might have cancer again and she does not deserve this sentence. i am selfish for wishing i had it so i could die and finally leave this ugly universe. and all she wants to do is live. then i really hate myself for that and the cycle continues. and its like this everyday. i don’t know what to do anymore with myself i am so far lost i am beyond wandering or exploring. i am about to jump into the deep end and i will not know if i will make it out this time. i only stay alive for the sake of those around me unfortunately.

[one-abuse-survivor]

tw: suicide attempts, self harm, addiction, mental illness

i was wondering, is it normal/ok for a parent to get angry at you for self harming or attempting suicide? to be clear my parents have never been physically or emotionally abusive to me, and they are good parents, but my mom almost always gets really angry with me if she finds out i’m self harming or if i’ve attempted suicide. to be fair to her my first attempt was when i was 15 (i’m 27 now), and I’ve had a lot of incidents since then and i know it’s very hard for her to deal with. but otoh i am genuinely trying to get better, i’m on medication (I’ve tried a lot of different medications but none of them have worked but i’m still trying), i’ve willingly admitted myself to the hospital psych ward multiple times, i’ve seen a psychiatrist, done both private and group therapy (although a lot of the therapy has been on and off because i get burnout and and i have had bad experiences with the mental health system and mental health professionals), i tried to do an outpatient day program, but i failed three times because my medication made me too tired to stay up during the day, i’ve called crisis lines and stayed at a crisis house, and i recently did a seven week rehab program for my benzo addiction, so it’s not like i’m not trying to get better. but then sometimes i feel like i don’t have any right to complain because i am so dependent on my parents, i’m autistic and i still live with them at 27, i’m on disability from the government, and i’m not able to go to work or school, and i do depend on them financially because my disability money is not enough for me to support myself. my mom has been hinting/suggesting to me that she wants me to move out/move into a group home, she says she wants me to do a temporary group home, but she’s also implied that she wants me to leave permanently, and it really hurt my feelings and I don’t want to do it, but obviously my parents pay for our house, and it’s unfair to expect them to let me live with them forever, and it is hard to live with someone with so many issues (although when i’m not in crisis we get along really well), it’s just really hard because i need them so much and i feel most comfortable and safe in my childhood home. i do feel like i have wronged them because i’ve also a struggled with a benzo/sleeping pill addiction, i was prescribed lorazepam and zopiclone by my psychiatrist, and i was taking them every day for like 3.5 years even though i was only supposed to be taking them during emergencies (but my doctor was giving me enough to take every day), and i was picking prescriptions up behind my moms back, and i do feel like a piece of shit asshole for lying to her about it. also their have been a few times in the last 3.5 years where i’ve taken too many pills to deal with anxiety/insomnia (usually mixing prescription sleeping pills with over the counter sleeping pills which i know is super dangerous and fucked up), and called an ambulance in the middle of the night, which does wake them up and freak them out, which i know is a horrible thing to put my parents through. i really do hate my self for this. my mom is so frustrated and angry with me, and i understand where she’s coming from, but i’m not causing them pain on purpose, i have never been aggressive, violent, or abusive to anyone, i’m not a cruel or malicious person, and the only person i’ve ever caused physical harm (or intentional emotional harm) to is myself. but sometimes it does feel like she’s angry with me for struggling with mental illness and for not being able to function as well as my neurotypical brothers who have been able to go to university and support themselves, and are on track to move out even though they are younger than me, and don’t have serious psychological and emotional problems. but i don’t know, i have put my parents through a lot, and obviously me hurting myself is me causing them unintentional emotional harm, which is really shitty. (1/2)

i just feel like a pathetic failure fuckup of a human being. i got bullied a lot in school, not just by students but by teachers who would all pick on me for being weird/messy/unkempt/disorganized, and teachers got angry at me for doing my work too slowly, for not doing my homework/schoolwork on time, for being disorganized and not completing assignments. i did terribly in school and never had many (or sometimes any) friends. i was diagnosed with ADHD at 12 and autism at 15, and in retrospect the teachers treatment of me was incredibly ableist. and honestly i feel like my parents really validated a lot of my teachers mistreatment, either directly by agreeing with my teachers during parent/teacher meetings where i was present, or indirectly by constantly getting angry at me for being a bad student, and for exhibiting odd behaviour. my mom would constantly pressure me to socialize or be friends with people who i didn’t want to be friends with. my parents and teachers really pushed the idea that i was “smart but lazy” and just needed to “apply myself” really hard. i feel like i was kinda gaslit by all of the adults in my life into internalizing the idea that i was lazy, and that i just needed to try harder, even though i was trying incredibly fucking hard, and i’m literally fucking disabled. and like even though i wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD untill i was 12, my parents and teachers knew that i had ADHD when i was 10, and i was put into special education in grade 5, so it’s not like they were unaware that i was disabled. my mom told me she started suspecting that i was autistic when i was 12, even though i wasn’t diagnosed until 3 years later, and my mom literally worked in special education so it’s not like she really had the excuse of ignorance when it came to her dismissing me as lazy. she told me, on a few occasions, that my teachers who didn’t like me loved my younger brother, and even though she made it into a joke it still fucking hurt. she wasn’t doing it in a malicious way, but it still sucked. my brothers are neurotypical, and they were/are both very academically successful, my youngest brother is finishing his undergrad, and the middle one is almost finished his masters, and about to take his accounting exam, and my parents are so proud of them, in a way that i know that they’ve never been and never will be proud of me. i can’t help but compare myself to them and feel like an utter failure in comparison. my parents would never compare me to them directly to my face, but i know for a fact that my mother has expressed behind my back that my brothers are “so much easier than me” that they’re “not like me” because they’re “amazing”, and that they can “take care of themselves” and “deal with their issues on their own”. my mom also has this tendency to make my mental health issues all about herself, whenever i attempt suicide or self harm, or in the aftermath of me crying or having a panic attack or a crisis, or whenever i’m in the hospital we always end up talking about how hard this is for her, how i’m putting her through so much, how she can’t deal with this, how i never listen to her or take her advice for dealing with anxiety/depression, how i can’t expect her to be my therapist. the last time i got out of the psych ward she told me how this was “so hard for her” and how she “knows it’s hard for me too” but it’s “really hard for her” and she can’t “deal with this much stress”. she tells me i don’t think enough about her, but i feel like i’m constantly racking myself with guilt about her, and apologizing to her about everything. and like at the end of the day, i’m the one with the mental illnesses and disabilities not her. she also seems to think she knows better about why i’m depressed and how i can get better than i do. like she’ll constantly tell me that i’m so depressed because i do nothing all day, and if i did more activities during the day i could distract myself and feel better, even though i’ve told her multiple times that i was still depressed when i was in school, and that having a full day is (2/3)

stressful for me. honestly my parents don’t really seem to like it when i talk to them about my problems, and if i talk to them for more than a short amount of time they tend to tell me to find my own ways to cope and distract myself. i’m not saying that’s unreasonable, but i’ve had such bad experiences with therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, nurses, and psychologists that i honestly don’t know where else to turn to. it’s weird because most of the time i feel like my parents and i get along really well and have a good relationship, but sometimes they (mostly my mom) will talk about me (either to me or other people) and describe me, and i’m genuinely like “am i really so weird?” or “is it really so hard to be my parent?”. and i don’t know i really just feel like they’re exaggerating my bad qualities to make themselves feel better. but then i second guess myself because i remember how other kids and my teachers would always talk about how weird/odd/strange i was? but it does feel ableist because a lot of the bad stuff they all describe about me are pretty typical autistic/adhd behaviours, being quirky, stimming, pacing, having intense interests, being a loner, being messy/disorganized, struggling with self care, struggling with school/work, dealing with insomnia/anxiety/depression, nothing that’s malicious or that would ever hurt anyone else. but then i second guess myself and i’m like “maybe everyone else is right and i am a freak and a piece of shit”. i just feel like my parents have a tendency to invalidate my feelings, like when i told them i had trauma from bullying, and from emotional abuse from teachers in my childhood, and emotional abuse from mental health professionals in the past few years, they really invalidated me, and basically implied it wasn’t really that bad. and then i just start thinking that maybe nothing i went through was that bad, and i’m just such a basket case and loser because that is who i am that this is all a personal failing. sometimes i just wonder if being who i am and existing as myself is always going to make everyone, even my own family hate me, and i’m never going to be good enough for anyone. i just remember a few months ago, my mom and I were at an appointment with my psychiatrist, and he was being horrible to me because i said i wanted to switch medications, because the one he’d recently put me on a month before that was making me feel horrible. he was telling me how i complain about every medication, how no medication is going to fix me, how i’m not doing enough therapy to get myself better (even though i had just tried to do the day program for the third time, and the meds i’m on make me to tired to do anything), and accusing me of having bpd as a way to invalidate my emotions (which is shitty whether i have bpd or not but i honestly think he thinks i have it because i’m a woman with feelings), and it was then that my mom suggested that i live in a group home, and she basically told the psychiatrist that i was too hard to deal with, and he said it’s not her job anymore because i’m “an adult”, and seemed to be sympathizing with my mom because she has me as a child. i just felt so abandoned and alone, but maybe he’s right, maybe i’m old enough that my parents obligation to me is over. i also have a problem with hoarding so much room and bathroom is so messy and full of stuff, i know my parents hate that and it’s fair for them to not want that mess in their house. i’m just so scared of being on my own. i don’t know. i can’t tell if any of this stuff constitutes genuine bad behaviour on my parents part, or if i’m the one in the wrong. it’s not like they’re never allowed to be angry or frustrated with me. and at this point, at 27 maybe their job is kinda done? (3/4)

like maybe i am the one in the wrong? i think maybe i’m being really unfair to them. i really am grateful to them for taking care of me for the past 27 years. they’re good parents. i feel like an asshole for complaining to a stranger on the internet about them. am i just being really shitty? they’ve really hurt my feelings and i feel like they’re getting ready to stop supporting me and i don’t know what to do. i can’t afford to take care of myself, let alone pay for the treatment that i need. and all of the stuff that’s publicly available in my country is awful. i don’t know what to do with all of the stuff in my room because i’m incapable of throwing it out. i don’t know if this is horrible to say but like, they have more than enough money to take care of me without it impacting their quality of life whatsoever, and i am incapable of supporting myself with my disabilities, is it awful for me to still depend on them financially? maybe it is, i don’t know. i can’t remember if i said this in the last ask, but i’m genuinely not sure it any of the stuff i’ve described constitutes actual mistreatment on their part. is it just kinda horrible of me to expect my parents to take care of their daughter at 27 when she’s so difficult and has so many issues. it’s not like they’re never allowed to be angry or frustrated with me, they’re human beings and i’ve put them through a lot. and i know none of their behaviour was malicious or intentionally cruel. it’s possible that i’m just really not self aware at all. i don’t know. all i know is that i fucking hate myself. i wish i was different. i know my parents love me, but i wish they liked me and were proud of me in the way that they like and are proud of my brothers. i wish i wasn’t such a difficult kid. i don’t want to be myself. i don’t want to be such a burden. i don’t know how to be anyone else. i don’t know what to do. (4/4)

i just feel like everything about me is wrong, and just existing as myself and being me is always going to make people hate me, even my own family. i feel like no one is ever going to accept me or truly like me as i am. i don’t think anyone outside of my family will ever love me, and even the people who love me won’t ever like me. it’s hard to trust or enjoy the good moments with my parents when i know how they think and feel about me. (5/5)

Hi, nonnie! I'm really sorry I took so long to reply to you. I really hope you read this anyway ❤️

I'm also really, really sorry you've been through all this. You did not, and do not, deserve the way your parents have treated you. You don't deserve to hear how hard your mental health struggles are for your mom to deal with. You said your parents have never physically or emotionally abused you, but, nonnie, the way your mother has belittled you, criticised you, called you lazy, made you feel like you were never good enough, gotten angry and lashed out at you for struggling and having suicide attempts, compared you to your brothers even jokingly, and gotten angry at you for still being mentally ill despite her "solutions" to your struggles... are all behaviours that are really unfair to you and that honestly sound traumatic and emotionally abusive. At the very least, they're selfish, ableist, and emotionally damaging.

You don't deserve to feel shitty for being disabled and mentally ill, or for having needs that others don't have. I'm really sorry you've been made to feel like that. You're not a loser, nonnie. You're not a piece of shit. You're disabled. And the same way I'm sure you would never tell another disabled person that they're losers/burdens/freaks/pieces of shit, you never deserved to be called any of those things, or to call yourself them in your own mind.

Of course your parents are allowed to have their own struggles and complicated emotions about supporting you. Of course they're allowed to feel frustrated from time to time. But that's not something they should've ever made your problem. It's something for them to navigate with their own support system and (if needed) with their own mental health professionals. You're an adult now, so I think it would be fair for them to bring their feelings up with you from time to time and have open and honest communication—but not like they've been doing. Not in a way that paints you as a burden, or that paints your mental illness as something that primarily hurts them. That is incredibly selfish and, as you said, ableist.

I'm really sorry they've invalidated your trauma so much. You deserved a lot better than that, nonnie. The trauma you went through is bad enough—all trauma is bad enough. Them acting like they know your experiences better like you do, and like you're unreasonable for thinking you went through trauma and abuse, is gaslighting. They're making you question your own perception and memory of your own experiences, and making you think that maybe feeling hurt by your own trauma is a personal failing on your part. That's emotional invalidation and gaslighting.

Also, regarding that conversation between your psychiatrist and your mother... what the fuck????????? Him accusing you of not trying hard enough and of having BPD, and sympathising with your mom for "having to deal with you" and implying that because you're an adult, you shouldn't be a disabled person who still needs support from her parents, is ableist as fuck. It's unprofessional, misogynistic, abusive, and gross. I'm so sorry that happened, nonnie. Truly. You did not deserve to hear any of that. You deserved to have your concerns about your medications taken seriously instead of being scolded and told you're never going to get better like your struggles are some kind of moral failing.

You're an adult, yes, but that doesn't mean "their job is done" and you need to stop being a disabled person in need of support. The truth is, when you have a kid, you're signing up for any possible scenario, and that includes having a disabled kid who's going to need your support for the rest of their life. So many people just don't get that, but it's the truth. And it is the parents' responsibility to take care of disabled people—and that includes disabled adults. And if that feels like a burden to the parents, as I said, that is their issue to work through with their own support system, not an excuse to guilt-trip and invalidate the person under their care, use them as an emotional punching bag, and act like the disabled person is struggling on purpose just to hurt or inconvenience their parents. That is ableist. Them acting like you should make a bigger effort not to need their support is ableist.

To summarise: you're not awful, nonnie. The stuff they've put you through does constitute mistreatment and I would say also emotional and ableist abuse. You're absolutely allowed to be hurt by everything they've put you through and the way they've made you feel about yourself. You deserve so, SO much better than this. You don't deserve to be treated like a burden or compared to your brothers. You don't deserve to be made to feel like your disability and mental health struggles are unfair to others. You deserve unconditional support and to be loved and respected for who you are, disability and struggles included. You wouldn't tell other disabled people they're any of the horrible things you feel like you are—try to remember that when the negative self talk starts to kick in.

Sending a big, big virtual hug. Please, feel free to let me know you've read this if you want to and to update me on how. You're doing! ❤️

#Ask #Suicide tw #Suicide attempt tw #Suicidal tw #Self harm tw #Self-harm tw #Addiction tw #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive parents #Toxic parents #Verbal abuse tw #Psych ward tw #negative self talk #negative self image #bullying #Ableism tw #Ableist abuse #Gaslighting tw

[yotepawz]

Trigger warning mentions of car accidents, passive sewerslidal thoughts, negative thinking, mentions of trauma etc.

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This week has been the worst week and it’s only fucking Tuesday. Last night my mom was driving me to our family friends house so I can house sit for them ( for 2 weeks ) and sense we share a car she had to drive me. It was like 11pm and we just got off the freeway and all of a sudden this dude rear ends us, it wasn’t a super hard hit but still hard, next thing this fucker speeds away. Me and my mother are ok but that’s the second car accident I’ve been it and it was just horrible, I felt like I was back in the moment of the first one. I think I took it worse sense I had already been crying because I broken down to my mom about how I feel so lost, I’m suffering from some undiagnosed mental shit and everyone keeps throwing terms at me “ oh your showing signs of bipolar “ or “ you seem to have Borderline “ but no one actually wants to help me figure it out. I hate going to my doctor because I know they will end up leaving me like everyone other goddamn doctor has. I miss appointments or I tell them I’m fine just so they don’t take my medication away cause that’s the only thing keeping me going. I don’t live for myself I live for everyone around me, friend, family, work basically all external factors. I cant keep fucking doing this, I’ve only been living for others and I don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve been like this sense 11-12 years old. Will I ever get better ? Will I ever feel human ? Will I ever want to feel full and not empty ? I force people away cause I know they will eventually leave like they always do. I’ve been diagnosed with a “mood disorder” sense 16 but once I turned 18 it’s like all the doctors gave up or just didn’t care enough to continue treating me like how I was before I was 18. I guess they only care when I was a minor. I’m scared to get another therapist cause they will leave like the other 6 fucking therapist did. How am I supposed to trust someone who I know will leave ? I hate having to explain my fucking trauma over and over and over and over again. I hate reliving it , I hate seeing my dad in my mind or the smell of his breath when he would drink or him yelling at my calling me a fat little cunt when I was 14 why do you make me relive it ? Why can’t I just let it go ? Why can’t I just feel ok for once in my fucking pointless life. I’ve done nothing but exist, waking around as a body but that body isn’t me, it’s this stupid mound of flesh that I can’t seem to escape. I don’t and have never felt human, I’ve been degraded my whole upbringing for the smallest things about me from kids at school, to family members, to my own parents, I have never and will never be good enough for anybody, not even myself. I cant think of one good thing about myself never have and never will, I’ve done those stupid exercises in therapy to “ name the things you love about yourself” I lie every time, I don’t think I’m funny, I don’t think I’m nice, I don’t seem myself as caring I feel nothing but the struggle of living. I only wish to be a void, you feel none of these bullshit emotions, you look like nothing, you are nothing but dark emptiness and that’s comforting to me.

#yoteicky #vent #i hate it sm

[chimaareyouotayy]

Journal #2 9.29.2022

I am not upset about how my girl is acting. I totally understand where is she coming from because I was just like that when I was her age. Lost, confused, indecisive, scared and worried. I had a conversation with her and she just feels lost especially after she graduated college. She felt like nothing was going her way from job to friendship and I totally get where she is coming from. When I graduated college I was so lost, scared and worried if I was going to land a job. Thankfully I was able to get a job and accomplish many things. I want to help her but this is not something I can help her with. This is something she needs to figure it out on her own. I told her I will always be here for her so don’t worry about me for now and just take care of herself. I called that respecting her personal space? 😂 fuck am I talking about hahaha. But I truly respect her space sometime being a relationship can be tough. I don’t blame her for being distant with me cause of this. Imagine waking up every day feeling lost I would feel sad too. I was sad that was me when I was 22 - 23 for the whole year cause I felt lost. What I learn from that time was that key to happiness is to do what you love and keep educating yourself. When I say do what you love I do not mean go out party and be stupid. I’m talking about building a business, becoming a boxer, becoming a fitness person whatever that is that benefits you health and mental is what I found was my key to happiness.

I opened up a business in 2018 and we are still going strong. I’m 2019 I started my masters and graduated this year in 2022. That’s when I knew my purpose in life was to do something and not just this bullshit ass 9-5 job. I always tell this to the people my 9-5 is to pay my rent. My business pays for trips, new shoes, investment into stocks, jewelry and also able to take out my girl out somewhere nice. I knew I was never a person who just settle for 9-5 that can not be me. Once I got the idea to on how to run business, I signed up to become a model for these Japanese companies and start making connections. That was my happiness and I never been this happy in my life. Going back to what I was saying my girl needs to find that in her. She is amazing with painting and I am not sure why she doesn’t pursue it but again that’s her decision so I respect it. To me life is what you make out of it. If you complain every god Damn damn about how you hate life then life is going to hate you back and give you hell. But I pray my girl will find that soon and be happy so we can both we happy together! But again that’s her job to find it not mine.

I had a great conversation with one of my staff and we were talking about alcohol and how I stopped drinking heavy like I used to. I was telling him that my body is my temple why drink alcohol to hurt my body and gain weight and just why do that ? Drinking is fun don’t get me wrong but my thinking now is what am I getting out of this ? Headaches ? Hangover? Bad decisions? Like why out my self thru that for temporary enjoyment. I just never understood that as I get older and older. I am 27 now and honestly I see life so differently. Alcohol i see it as devil’s juice (nothing good happens with alcohol.) drugs I just don’t get it anymore get high and what?? Lol weed is the only exception because with out weed my brand would of not exist. Hoes, that shit got old super quick. Having hoes was “cool” back when we were in HS and College but once you get out of that having hoes ain’t really ain’t that great. I just seen so people around me still fuckin with these hoes but can’t never find the one. I’m just done with this shit you know? That is why I think I’m so like locked in with my girl and support her stuff and shit she be going thru. Real man try to understand the women and try to up lift.

Anyways enough with this gospel shit I just wana say again thank you to my sister cause this place have been a best place for me because I can just spill all the shit and I feel good about it.

[kelseystrashcan]

school's starting :(

not very happy about it tbh :( saw a lot of ppl i didnt wanna see at open house yesterday, including JULIAN idk why he was there but whatever ANYWAYS half my teachers know im engaged now so thats something. next its gonna be the students. and they all think i dated that one guy a few months ago so now theyre gonna think im a crazy whore but yknow what thats cool theres no point in convincing ppl otherwise its my last year i dont really give two shits anymore. honestly im hoping something drastic happens so i have an excuse to drop out *cough cough pregnancy cough cough* cause my mental health is already DRAINING RAPIDLY so me having to juggle school, work, AND the fuckery at home this is not going to end well for me at all. i wont even have time to BREATHE anymore. and even if i do, i wont be paid as much as i was before... so im just losing all round right now. idk what im gonna do... i need a plan. cause i literally wont be able to do homework or any shit like that except on my off days and then i wont even have any damn free time to do shit. this fucking sucks. big time. we'll just have to see how it works out, cause a couple different things could happen. one: i'll have to quit my job because its affecting my performance at school, and as long as im living with my parents thats gonna be an issue so they might force me to quit. which i wouldnt be that upset over except for the fact that i NEED MONEY. or two: i run away and drop out of school because i cant continue to put myself through this shit when i dont even need it cause im not going to college, im quitting my job by the end of next year and im NOT getting another one. what am i gonna need the diploma for? self satisfaction? what would satisfy me would be the ability to live at home with my fiance not needing to do shit. im willing to do anything to get to that point faster. i already know by my first day im gonna hate it and im gonna be stressed tf out, and i know as i go along either my job performance is gonna drop severely or my SCHOOL performance is gonna drop severely, neither of which are good. but whatever. i dont see how the rest of my family is allowed to drop out of high school and college to have kids at fuckin 15-16 but i cant? i know they dont want that for me but i DO want it. anything is better than another year at that hell hole, COMBINED with having to work the other half of the damn day. i'll never be able to catch a fucking break. i'll wake up at 5 am, go to school, get off at 2:30, then go right to work and probably get off when they close. and then i'll come home at 10 oclock and cram everything else i had to do in that 1-2 hours of freedom i have before i go to sleep because if i dont go to sleep before 12 im not gonna be able to function when i wake up, or i just wont be able to work at all. theres literally no way out of this. its gonna suck no matter what. unless javi for some reason completed his training super fucking early and started his job way earlier than i know im gonna have to finish school, and probably be unemployed at that point. i cant fix this myself at all. im powerless. no matter what i do i wont be able to relax, i wont be able to take a damn breath. i feel trapped, i'll literally do anything to stop this. but i cant. at least i cant do anything RATIONAL. cause there is no rational way out. if i chose a rational way out, i'll lose my job and probably get shit for quitting by my stepdad cause i cant fucking drop out and i need to focus on school. i would have to do some bad shit to get out of this. i could run away, i could get pregnant or some shit, or i could go with ol fashioned plan z. but is that really what i wanna do? not really. because i love javier, and i would miss him. but at the same time, what else do i do? what else IS there to do? im literally powerless. so..

in conclusion, im lowkey thinking of offing myself.

[meditating-dog-lover]

Bloating personal causes

I know I talk so much about bloating recently, but it is an issue I want to manage. I am getting the hang of it and am feeling much better with time, but I like to write my thoughts out on here. Keep in mind that I hate restrictive diets and they have ruined my relationship with food. So this helped me identify the best foods and eating patterns for me where I can eat in a healthy way without depriving myself or adopting an orthorexic mindset.

Here's a super long list that includes the things that make me feel bloated (after weeks/months of trial and error, following that a list of things that helped me curb bloating):

Too much salt. Consuming really salty foods like chips, crackers, chicken tenders, burgers, pizza, etc... does cause me to bloat. It's not that bad if I don't consume too much and let my stomach rest + drink water afterward. But overall, it is a definite cause of bloating for me.

Dairy. Personally, I can consume cheese and yogurt without any serious bloating effects (I can't give cheese up), but milk bloats me a lot. Ice cream, store-bought lattes, mochas, etc... bloat me a lot (especially if they are cold and not warm/hot).

Sugary and carb-rich foods are devoid of any nutrients (such as protein and fiber). These are the foods I eat and then half an hour later I am still hungry. These include milk chocolate, chips, white bread, croissants, donuts, cookies, donuts, and other baked goods and sugary candies. When I eat these, I am eating something that is high in calories but completely devoid of macro and micro-nutrients. As a result, my stomach starts growling half an hour to an hour later because I am not satiated. They say sugar can cause bloating because it disrupts your gut bacteria when they try to digest it. I don't think that's my issue - my issue is that they absolutely do not fill me up and cause my stomach to growl not that long later. A low protein dinner does this to me (like the pizza dinner I had last night).

Artificial sweeteners. Unlike sugar, artificial sweeteners cause me to bloat. These include stevia, erythritol, Truvia, Splenda, aspartame, and xylitol. And I'm going to be honest, they all taste horrible (this is my personal opinion). I don't consume them anymore, but I used to add them to my coffee and wondered why my stomach looked 3 times bigger.

Soft drinks and other bubbly beverages. The gas content of these drinks causes a lot of bloating. I'm not a soft drink fanatic, but I do enjoy Diet Coke every now and then (I always liked the taste). Also, they have the same effect as (3) because they are absolutely not filling and make you hungry afterward for real food.

Snacking. Whenever you eat, your stomach does stretch out. However, my issue with snacking is if I eat something that is not filling, I will not feel full and satisfied (especially if it doesn't contain protein). As a result, I'm going to get a growling stomach. Even if I eat something like fruit on its own, this will definitely happy. I usually eat my snacks with my main meals unless it's a late-night snack I can eat before sleeping.

Monthly cycle. I cannot do anything to prevent this as it is completely normal and should never be treated as not normal.

Drinking water immediately after or with meals. I feel like it somehow dilutes my stomach acids and I cannot digest food as well as I want to. I still do consume at least 2 L of water, but I try to do it not during meals

Chewing gum. I don't chew gum anymore since I don't like artificial sweeteners, but I've noticed from past experience that it does cause bloating.

What helped me curb bloating:

Drinking enough water (2 L min per day). 1 L first thing when I wake up and 1 L before I sleep in the evening/night.

Eating foods rich in fiber such as fruit, veggies, chia seeds, dark chocolate, sweet potatoes, and whole grains (no, grains and gluten do not personally bloat me). I'm considering getting some psyllium husk for days where I am low on fiber as a supplement (as opposed to those artificial sugary gummies).

Eating every 5 or so hours. Contrarily, eating too little or too far apart does lead to bloating since your stomach starts to growl when you are hungry. For me, eating every 5 hours works best (not including sleep). If I need a late-night snack, then I will go for it (a spoon of peanut butter helps). But having an empty stomach at any time of the day and having it growl and gurgle is absolute hell and can lead to potential binge eating since you're practically starving and in desperate need of food.

Drinking some matcha tea after each meal. It helps more with digesting than water does since it is a metabolism booster. I guess this is comparable to the lemon water + ACV shot trend but less acidic and therefore less harmful for your teeth.

Consuming enough protein in each meal. I'd argue that this is just as important as consuming enough fiber. Protein fills me up more than anything, which is why I failed as a vegetarian. I do not feel full unless I eat protein with each meal. I can't even snack on fruit alone or anything else that is low on protein because half an hour later, I will be hungry again (and my stomach growls all over). Protein is so filling and is necessary to have with each meal along with fiber if I want to avoid bloating. This explains why my stomach felt bloated and growly the morning after our Friday pizza night despite having a large window between the pizza dinner and the next morning when I woke up. Because I did not have a protein-dense dinner. Pizza is great here and there, but protein is essential if I want to feel the best digestion and bloating-wise.

Consuming non-dairy milk such as almond and coconut milk as an alternative to dairy milk.

If I crave a salty snack or dish, eating it but in small quantities to avoid consuming way too much salt and therefore feeling uncomfortable. Getting a smaller bag of chips and eating it with a filling meal as a "side" is a lot better than eating a large bag of chips and considering it to be a meal replacement.

If I crave a sweet snack, I'm not entirely sure what I can do just yet. But I don't believe in replacing my healthy fiber and protein-rich snacks and meals with something high in calories and devoid of any nutrients and does not fill me up. I'll have to figure something out.

#bloating #healthy eating #feeling better #say no to diets #say yes to listening to your body #say yes to taking care of yourself #trial and error #my body #personal biochemistry

[guzhufuren]

fukuhara: im eternally unfortunate. i have the worst luck! ive had all kinds of weird unlucky stuff happening to me! I WAS BORN UNLUCKY the universe hates me there is only bad fortune in my life!

me: yes finally some good accurate representation of me!!!!!!!!!

#mr. unlucky has no choice but to kiss! #fukou-kun wa kiss suru shikanai! #fukuhara kouta #listen ive been waiting for years to have someone to relate to on that #people say stuff like thats not true there is no luck but the truth is #UNIVERSE HATES ME #its a thing!! #i get fukuhara so much my god #listen he is me and i am him #that one time i moved to another city and 2 hours before my flight landlord called me to tell that apartment i paid for isnt available #i had to search for one in these 2 hours to have roof over my head #when i get new clothing i ALWAYS get i unremovable stains the first day #when i get a taxi it gets pulled over by road police EVERY TIME #hmmm and how about me not even once winning in a board game?? #yeah and two weeks ago i had mandatory internship in a kindergarten for uni that i was obligated to do in time #and guess what #3 days in i wake up at night and run into the wall with my head to get a concussion and eyebrow scar AND in the same time i also get a flu #bro i get fukuhara on the different level #should i too get a super lucky significant other to get out of this hellish living?? #cause i will

[siredsong]

...

#my brain is showing me just how stressed out i am through my dreams #i keep having these nightmares about school #like?????? what the actual fuck #i dont feel super anxious when im awake #like a normal amount of anxiety for me #bUT when im asleep??? in my dreams???? #ill have these insane dreams that make me wake up like o_O #and ill be like omg was that supposed to be today???? and no. #it will not be for today #ill have stressed out about something thats a couple days away #but like #whY am i having these strange dreams #perhaps it might be because im not letting myself have those thoughts and feelings when im awake??? #but thats also confusing to me cause when im awake im just chilling #so what is the problem??? #;/ #i hate college for doing this to me #i think the semester is really starting to affect me and stress me out #with 2 exams next week and hella assignments and just awkjdnjkajsdn so much #but i do feel a lot better than last semester #so i dunno #ahhhhh this is confusing

[lostaurorax]

father to be

pairing | fezco x pregnant!reader

warnings | mentions of morning sickness,mentions of sex and obviously pregnancy!!!

a/n | hi my babies!!!! this is my first time writing for fez or anyone on euphoria!! i was super nervous but am honestly so proud of how this came out!!!!! i love fez so why not write him as a sweet first time daddy to be!!!☺️ i hope you enjoy this as much as i did writing it! i love you all hope your staying healthy and safe!!! <3

main masterlist | euphoria masterlist

when you told fezco you were pregnant you were scared of what his reaction would be

“you bein serious right now?”

“u-uh yeah…” you said nervously fidgeting with the test in your hands

next thing you knew he had you in a tight embrace with his head in your neck

“i fucking love you so much”

everytime you woke up with morning sickness fez was their tying your hair up and rubbing your back.

“s’alright ma let it out.”

anytime you wake up in the middle of the night with a crazy craving fez always got it for you no matter how insanely nasty it sounded.

“i don’t think i can even watch you eat that y/n..” he’d say after seeing the weird combination what you had made

you just ignored him being happy with what you were eating at 3am

one night at dinner when you were about 2 months pregnant, you had decided to tell ash.

“so ash we have something to tell you..” you said as fez held your hand under the table

“hm?” ash said lifting his head up from taking a bite of his pizza

“..im pregnant!” you said a wide smile on your face

“oh aight cool.” he said not having much of a reaction which you both had expected but nonetheless knew he was still happy for you

but later that night when you knocked on his door to check on him you found him asleep with his phone still lit up in his hands showing a recent google search on ‘how to be a good uncle’ making you immediately tear up and leave a kiss on his forehead.

when you had your 18 week appointment the doctor had asked if you wanted to know the gender of your baby and you and fezco immediately nodded not wanting to make a big deal out of it as long as you had a healthy baby.

“congratulations,it’s a boy!!” the doctor said smiling at you too

“shii really?” fez said as you slapped his shoulder gently

“my bad ma” he’d say turning to you but immediately noticing the tears of joy in your eyes he immediately brought his lips to yours pulling away and muttering a small ‘i love you baby and you too ma’ earning a soft punch to the arm from you.

your belly had stated to show when you hit the 5th month and no matter what you were doing fezco could not seem to keep his hands off of you

as you were washing dishes he would come up behind your rubbing his hands on your stomach and when he would get the baby to kick? oh he’d never shut up about it.

“shit did you feel that ma? he kicked!!”

“fez of course i felt it he’s in my stomach..” you said giggling at his excitement

rue,lexie,cassie,maddy,jules,kat and bb had visted you pretty often always spoiling you with gifts and talking about how happy they were for you

tonight you were out for dinner with maddy kat rue and jules.

“you know y/n you look so fucking good i think this might be a sign for me to get pregnant..” maddy would say noting your very appearnt pregnancy glow that even fezco couldn’t stop talking about

“maddy don’t even think about it!” you would say on the other side of the table as she shrugged with a smile on her face

“no but seriously y/n we’re so happy for you. i can’t believe your gonna be a mom!” jules said putting her arm around your shoulder and her head on top of yours

“you guys i will actually start sobbing right now,my pregnancy hormones literally hate me!!” you said doing the best you could to hold in tears and them doing the same.

“anyway…which one of us are you picking to be the godmother?” maddy said causing all eyes on you

“hm…?” you said taking a sip of your shirley temple acting like you had no idea what they were talking about.

you and fezco loveddd to have sex. it was an everyday thing for you guys. no wonder you were pregnant…

but as soon as you got pregnant he became distant for the first few months

“please fez,i need you.” you said looking up at him through your eyelashes

“fuck ma, i mean yeah i wanna fuck you like so bad right now but shit i’m scared i’m gonna hurt the baby….” he said using his left hand to rub his head anxiously

“baby i promise you, you can’t hurt him!” you’d say giggling at how protective he already was

after that fezco decided he would do all the research he could to be comfortable with it. cause your pregnancy glow was really effecting him…ifykwim

while at your next ultrasound appointment he decided to ask the doctor and as soon as he heard her say it was perfectly safe he looked directly at you with a smirk on his face.

let’s just say after that he couldn’t keep his hands off of you. literally anywhere and everywhere whenever he had the chance he took it.

as you hit 7 months your belly started getting bigger and heavier. you could still walk fine but had a bit of a waddle to your step. one morning when you got up to use the bathroom you heard fez laugh from the bed immediately turning around and scolding him.

“what’s so funny?” you said confused

“you walkin’ like a penguin now ma?” he said the smile still apparent on his face

“shut up…” you said as you turned around not wanting him to see the smile on your face.

once fez noticed how much heavier your belly was getting he immediately stopped letting you do things around the house. though he did that as soon as you told him you were pregnant but now he didn’t let you do any thing.

you were hungry? he’d make you food. you had cramps? he’d heat up a heating pad for you. had trouble walking? he’d carry you all day. he basically didn’t leave your side ever. if he ever had too he always made sure ash was with you who also became extremely protective over you. not that he wasn’t before but their were a few times where fez didn’t come home until very late and ash would stay with you just keeping you company. you always told him if he wanted he could go back to his room to sleep not wanting to make him uncomfortable but he always came up with some excuse that you couldn’t fight against. he considered you the closet thing he had to a mom so that was how your relationship was. one night when fezco came home and was looking for ash and couldn’t find him in his room he panicked for a second till he opened your shared bedroom door and saw ash sleeping with his head on your stomach and your arms wrapped around his and it immediately brought tears to his eyes. quickly snapping a few pictures to show you sometime in the near future he quickly changed and got into bed on the other side of you careful not that wake either of you.

“fez! fez! babe!” you yelled for fezco trying to wake him up

“shit yeah ma what’s up?” he said looking frantically around

“i think my water just broke..” you said with wide eyes

“fuck!” fez said immediately getting out of bed and grabbing the hospital bag in the corner of the room placing it by the door and running to quickly waking ash up

“yo ash! bro!” he said trying to shake him out of his sleep

“fuck what?” he said annoyed that he was being woken up so early

“let’s go y/n’s water broke!” he said with a hint of excitement in his voice

“shit.” ash said getting up

“FEZCO!!!” you yelled making both of their eyes go wide and run to you.

after 8 hours of labor your baby boy was safely delivered into the world!!

the amount of tears that were shed between you and fezco could probably fill up an entire ocean.

“sup lil’ man!” fez said as he was holding him against his skin

“baby he has red hair like me? you see that shi-” he said before you cut him off

“ah fez!” you said with wide eyes and a finger over your mouth

“shi-uh i mean oops sorry!” he said a nervous smile on his face causing a genuine one on yours

hearing a knock on the door you saw ashs head pop in

“hey can i come in?” he said and by the way his hands were fidgeting you could tell he was nervous which was rare for him

“yeah cmere!” you said offering him a warm smile reviving one back

“you wanna hold him?” fez said mentioning towards the baby he was holding against his bare chest.

“uh yeah let me just wash my hands real quick.” he said going to the sink in the corner of the room. while he did that fezco handed him too you so you could guide ash.

“okay so just support his head and his butt…their you go!” you said smiling up at ash.

“woah..this is weird..” ash said

“fez he looks just fucking like you…” he said looking up at his brother who scolded him for the language receiving a ‘my bad’ from ash

“ash…” you said causing him to look up at you

“you wanna be his godfather?” you said looking at him with a smile

“you serious rn? of course..” he said smiling up at you two

“love you bro.” fez said to him

“i love you guys too.” he said which instantly made tears start forming in your eyes

a few hours later after you had showered and felt comfortable enough for guests rue, lexie,cassie,maddy,bb,kat and jules came to visit you all.

“can we come in?” you heard jules say from the other side of the door

“yeah!” you said quietly but loud enough for them to hear

“oh my gosh!!! he’s so cute!” “he looks just like you fez” “no way he looks like y/n!” all came from them as they all went on each side of your bed admiring the ginger haired blue-green eyed boy in your arms.

“so…i made a decision.” you said which made all the girls look at you

“it was extremely tough and i’m sorry if i hurt anyones feelings but i decided that i want………all of you to be his godmothers!! i’m not sure if that even works but who gives a shit. you all deserve it!” you said making them all smile and some cry, all of them hugging you immediately.

after about two hours of everyone being their it was just you,the baby,fez,ash and rue left.

“…so…..you guys decide on a name?” rue said breaking the comfortable silence

“uh yeah his name is Wyatt Ash O’Neill.” you said smiling at rue who lightly smiled back looking over her shoulder at ash who’s head immediately flew up from his phone.

“you just said ash is his middle name? like my name?” he said walking over to you and looking over at fezco

“yeah bro! surprise!” fez said smiling lazily at him

before you could even speak ash had his arms around you which shocked you for a second but you immediately hugged him back

“thank you y/n,for everything.” he said as you heard him sniffle

“i love you ash.” you said to him

“i love you too.” he said slowly pulling away and walking over to fezco to dab him up and pull him in for a hug.

“damn i feel like i need a hug now.” rue said causing everyone to laugh

this was all you ever wanted. this was your family.

#fezco x pregnant!reader #fezco x reader #fez x reader #fezco fluff #dad!fezco #fezco euphoria

[hoonhrt]

ENHYPEN WHEN THEY’RE SICK

: pairing — sick boyfriend! enhypen x reader

: genre — so soft :( (maybe angsty??)

: warnings —  mentions of vomiting and being ill 

: a/n — i started school again after my break so i’ve been so caught up trying to focus on it :(

･:*:･ﾟ☆ heeseung

he’d be coughing and sniffling the night before and when you ask him he is feeling sick he’d very dramatically say:

“absolutely not! i have like the strongest immune system ever baby i cant believe you’d question MY immune system”

he woke up the next morning with a full blown fever.

HED BE SO WHINY :((

wants you to lay next to you all day long csuse he claims you are his “human furnace”

croaks from your shared bedroom when you get up to get medicine and some hot soup

only agrees to take the medicine if you feed him

once he does take the medicine, he sits there with his mouth open so you can feed him his food

you just stare at him the whole time like 😐😐 am i taking care of my boyfriend or a child 😐😐

he’s staring at you like 🥺🥺🥺 cause he’s so thankful to have you in his life

he squirms into your arms and hides his face in the crook of your neck, already feeling better as you play with his hair

leaves little kisses on your neck as his way to thank you for taking care of him

･:*:･ﾟ☆ jay

tries to convince you he is okay #1

“no angel! i’m okay it’s nothing okay i’m fine psshhh no worries”

doesn’t work as you woke up from his loud coughs in the middle of the night :(

he is very stubborn and continues you to insist that he is okay and that he can take care of himself (he just doesn’t wanna burden you)

everytime you say you’re gonna go do something for him he tries to protest saying he is fine but than starts coughing up a storm

spends the whole day with a pout on his face cause he doesn’t want you to waste your day taking care of him

sucks to be him tho cause you’ll do anything for mr. jay park!

i remember someone said that when jay is feeling ill, his emotions tend to exaggerate

like he’ll feel pain in his throat but will claim his entire body hurts and he cannot move a muscle... (it’s okay it’s just the sickness getting to him)

all he wants to do is cuddle next to you and sleep

like he’ll ask for massages or even random things like piece of cake from the bakery downstairs and you go do it cause your poor boy is feeling down and you wanna see him happy :((

pays you back by buying you new things and spending all that lost time doing anything you want to do (even if it means watching a movie he despises)

･:*:･ﾟ☆ jake

NAAAUUURRR i’m gonna cry just thinking about sick little jake

his eyes are wide and glossy the whole time and his lips are pursed out into a little pout

baby hates being sick cause then he can’t go out and do fun things with you!

DEMENDS cuddles and kisses.

like i think he’ll cry if you leave his side

even if it’s for his own benefit, he clings to you like a little koala

lowkey a little dramatic, acts like his dying

“baby i think this is my last day... pls tell layla i love her” and you’re like What About Me.

you pour him the liquid medicine on to a spoon and give it to him yourself

gets so giddy and smiles at you like a goof afterwards

you bring the back of your palm to his forehead and go “you’re so hot omg”,,, he proceeds to say “i know i am babe you don’t have to tell me twice 😏” BOOYYY

treats you like a little teddy bear and holds you super super close to his body!!

pays you back by taking care of you the later week when you’re sick

･:*:･ﾟ☆ sunghoon

the only one actually capable of taking care of himself 

he just seems very normal when he is sick 

like he can definitely be on his own 

lowkey doesn’t want you around so you dont get sick 

but you are very stubborn and you stay there to take care of him 

which he appreciates cause he likes being coddled a little bit hehe 

it honestly just feels like a regular, stay at home day with him aside from the fact he is violently coughs every 30 minuets next to you 

the only thing he wants from you is that you let him lay on your lap and you play with his hair 

which you do ofc and he is just simply so happy from that 

falls asleep in your lap cause its so therapeutic

“mmmm feel so nice honey” he slurs very sleepily 

nuzzles his face into your stomach, searching for warmth :((( 

you press little kisses around his face while he sleeps and he starts to blush but you can’t tell cause you think its just his face burning up from being sick (thank god it would’ve embarrassed him so bad if you found out it was from little kisses)    

brings you flowers and gives you endless amount of cuddles as his way to thank you :(( 

･:*:･ﾟ☆ sunoo

boyfriend or child you can’t tell #2

will WHINE SO LOUD if you try to leave his side 

“Y/NNNNN NOOOOO you can’t go~ its so cold~ im gonna freeze to death if you go~” “sunoo i need to get you medici-” “NOOOOOOO” 

REFUSES to take his medicine 

will turn his head the other way with a pout on his face and stubbornly shake his head 

you have to pursued him with food and kisses in order for him to actually take it 

takes the medicine but gags while taking it 

“wheres my cuddles huh 😐” 

so so so clingy :( he is pretty much on your entire lap with his head laid across your shoulder and his arms wrapped around your neck 

sunoo wouldn’t be very sleepy but he would be very quiet (which makes you sad cause youre sunny is always so talkative), so he spends this time listening to you and all the things you wanna talk about 

you guys watch movies together the whole day 

wants you to leave kisses on his cheeks cause it makes him feel better 

he pouts at you while you laugh at him when you feed him snacks 

buys you all the snacks you could dream of when he is feeling better <33 

･:*:･ﾟ☆ jungwon 

tries to convince you he is fine #2

but wakes you up in the middle of night cause he threw up :(( 

he gets teary eyed cause he doesn’t wanna burden you but at the same time it hurts so bad 

whimpers so much :(( 

he wants to be held so much, he is attached to you the entire time 

you wipe his face with cold towels to bring down his high body temperature down and push back his bangs with so much care and love 

“thank you y/n” he speaks so softly before letting out a huge sniffle 

jungwon falls in love with you so much more

like he didnt think he could but some how you have managed to make him fall in love with you again 

really likes it when you pet his head and massage his temples 

he clings to you so much that he just follows you around like a little puppy 

you guys watch romance movies together to distract him from the pain 

will never give you a hard time like if you ask him to sit up and drink his water or take his medicine he’ll do it right away no questions asked 

mainly cause he wants to get better quickly so he can spend more time with you doing more interesting things 

thanks you by taking on a cute little picnic date the week after :( 

･:*:･ﾟ☆ ni-ki

sleep. all he will do is sleep. 

he doesnt care about anything else except for that fact that he wants to sleep 

sprawls his entire body on top of yours 

he literally traps your body so you cant get out 

you have to physically push him off of you which isnt a problem cause he is in such a deep sleep 

and when he wakes up and you ARENT by his side, he gets very whiny 

“Y/NNNN why’d you leave me ☹️” 

very grumpy 

you laugh at this which makes him even more grumpy 

how cute 

ni-ki is honestly very frustrated that 1) he can’t go to practice and dance with his cheery personality and 2) he can’t kiss you!!!! (this is what is the most important to him) 

so he just whines all day 

whines when you tell him you have to take medicine 

whines when you try to get him to sit up and eat 

whines when you aren’t cuddling him 

so pls cuddle the poor boy <//3 

LOVES BACK RUBS 

your cool hand against his warm back makes him sigh out loud 

pays you back be giving you endless hugs, kisses and letting you win in games <//3 

#enhypenwriters #engene #enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen headcanons #enhypen reactions #enhypen oneshots #enhypen timestamps #enhypen drabbles #enhypen fluff #enhypen angst #lee heeseung #jay park #park jongseong #jake shim #shim jaeyun #park sunghoon #kim sunoo #yang jungwon #nishimura ni-ki #nishimura riki #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop fluff #kpop headcanons #kpop reactions #iland