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#i just wish i wasn't a try hard so i could be like all the people at my school and just. bail
roosterforme · 2 days
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Covering the Classics Part 8 | Bob Floyd x OC
Summary: Now that Anna knows what Bob's hands feel like when he's holding her close, she doesn't know how to stop herself from going back for more. But she's unwilling to even humor Bob when it comes to what he wants the most.
Warnings: Fluff, angst, adult language, masturbation, eventually 18+
Length: 5300 words
Pairing: Robert "Bob" Floyd x Female OC (this story is part of the Beer Boy/Sugar and Jake/Jessica universe)
Covering the Classics masterlist. Check my masterlist for more!
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"I'm waiting for you to thank me."
Bob looked up to see Nat in front of him with a little smirk painted on her lips. He'd been spending the last twenty minutes trying to act normal, something he forgot how to do after Anna kissed him in the kitchen. Because it wasn't just a kiss, it was everything. It felt like she really wanted him.
"Thank you for what?" he asked cautiously.
Nat laughed heartily like he'd just told a very amusing joke. "For pushing you and Anna together. Bradley told me the situation, and that woman was jealous of me touching you. Her face was all pinched, and her lips were pressed into a tight line. Jealous. She wants you. And my god, she's hot. What the fuck do they do at San Diego State? Only interview you if you've got your PhD and a modeling contract?"
Bob knew he was blushing, and he was happy she wasn't calling him out on it. His friends were all talking about him and Anna behind his back at this point, trying to figure out what was going on. "We kind of just made out in the kitchen," he muttered, glancing across the yard at Anna who was talking to Jess and still holding the can of ginger ale he gave her.
"Yes!" Nat said with absolutely no subtlety, slapping Bob's shoulder. "Oh fuck, the two of you will have the cutest kids! Freckles and strawberry blonde hair!"
He had to close his eyes against the idea of it, willing the flush in his cheeks to subside. When he opened them again, Anna was looking right at him. Her gaze was a little unsure, and he was starting to get afraid she wouldn't let him drive her home later. But he wanted to walk her up to her door. He had been thinking about it since the very first time he drove her home.
"It's not like we're together or anything," he muttered.
"Yet," Nat told him, looking so certain. "Not yet."
It was getting late, the sun dipping lower in the sky. The temperatures would start cooling down once it was dark, and Anna was only wearing shorts. Bob's eyes easily found those freckles on her thighs once again. Her skin looked so damn soft. He wondered if he would feel goosebumps beneath his fingers if he traced that pretty pattern, gently connecting her freckles with an imaginary line. He had to swallow hard as she started heading his way.
Nat squeezed his wrist and muttered something about work, and then she vanished into the house. With Anna standing right in front of him, Bob wished he could just lean in and kiss her the way Jake always did with Jess, and the way Bradley always did with his wife. He wanted it. With Anna.
"I'm getting a little chilly," she told him. "I guess I overestimated how warm autumn was going to be in San Diego. It's still better than New Jersey though." She was talking to him like she hadn't been rubbing the front of those little shorts against the fly of his jeans barely an hour ago, and now he was sweating.
"You should wear jeans next time," he replied before realizing how stupid he sounded. "Not that you should be covering your legs or anything like that! You have very nice legs. Nice freckles? I just don't want you to be cold."
He cradled his forehead in his hand while Anna laughed softly. "I'll wear jeans next time. Do you think you could give me a ride home soon?"
"Sure," he promised immediately. "Absolutely."
"Great." Then she turned, and Bob heard her saying goodbye to Jessica. Why was he so awkward? Why was that exchange so weird? How was he supposed to make Anna want to kiss him again when he could barely string two normal sentences together?
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Anna was trying to make a quick getaway, craving another few minutes alone with Bob. His truck was cozy, and she knew it would feel warm. His voice was sexy, and so was the way he moved. She wanted to kiss him again, even though she knew it was a terrible idea.
"Take some leftovers!"
"No, I'm fine," Anna told the hosts as Bradley tried to talk her into taking some of the extra burgers home. "But thank you." She was terrified that Jess may have said something about how sad Anna's lunches were; she had been doing her best to hide her current financial state from her friends, but she must have slipped up somehow.
"Well, will you come over for dinner one night? I love cooking for Sugar, but I always end up making way too much food."
Anna looked down at her feet. "Sure. I could do that. Jake invited me over there, too. I know he always cooks for Jess."
"Okay," Bradley said, his voice a little rough and his face annoyed when Anna looked up. "I'm a lot better at cooking than Jake is, first of all. Second of all, why don't you have dinner at his lame ass condo, and then let me know what he cooked. Then I'll cook a much better version of it for you and Sugar one night."
She was trying not to laugh; she knew they were competitive, but she didn't know it was quite this bad. "That sounds great, Bradley. Thanks for inviting me over today."
He just waved her off. "You're always welcome. You're one of us." He said it so casually before he started scraping the grill and cleaning it up, Anna just stared at the pattern of his tie dye shirt for a few seconds. He considered her part of this group now? This ridiculously cool friend group? If she thought about it for too long, she knew she would start crying. 
"Thanks," she whispered, turning and running directly into Bob's solid chest.
When she looked up at him as her fingers grazed along his shirt, he asked, "You ready to head out?"
"Yeah." Anna felt the slight pressure of Bob's hand at her lower back, guiding her toward the door.
"After you," he said softly. 
Anna had to walk inside the house and past Natasha, who she had clearly embarrassed herself in front of before. But the brunette just waved goodbye like she was completely unfazed by the events from earlier. Like it was totally normal for Bob and Anna to be together, heading out front to his truck as the setting sunset turned the sky orange.
Bob pulled the door open and helped her into his truck, and Anna thought maybe it was okay for this to be normal? To get a ride home from Bob after kissing him in her friend's kitchen? To have a painfully unrelenting crush on him that made her feel like perhaps love was a choice that you made for yourself? 
She watched him walk around the font of the truck, his glasses catching the last rays of sunlight as the streetlights started to warm up. He was beautiful. He climbed into the truck gracefully and looked at her bashfully. She was the reason he wasn't more confident right now; she knew it, and she was annoyed with herself for it.
He cleared his throat quietly and said, "Before I forget, I have your copy of Papillon." Then he reached for the glovebox, his knuckles brushing her bare knee. "Sorry," he whispered, pulling his hand away immediately.
Anna's heart was in her throat. How was she supposed to tell him that she liked it when he touched her, even by accident. He reached for the glovebox again, this time making sure his movements kept him clear of her leg. "It's okay," she told him, breathing deep. "I didn't mind it."
The only answer she got was Bob carefully handing her worn out book back to her. There was another little note folded up inside which made her remember she never read the one that was in Wuthering Heights before she left it in her office at work. He started the engine. The drive back to her place was too long, and too short at the same time. She was surprised to find that he was heading in the right direction without a reminder about her address. As the sky darkened, Anna tried to listen to the music playing on the radio, but all she could really hear was the sound of her own heart pounding. 
When Bob parked the truck in front of her building, she watched him squeeze the steering wheel with both hands while he stared out the windshield. "Anna...when you say you didn't mind it when I touched you...what does that mean? And what happened back at the cookout? Am I allowed to kiss you now? Or am I supposed to just figure out how to get over you?"
She fumbled with her seatbelt, heart thundering at the sound of his unsure voice. She wanted to ask him why he even liked her, because she had literally nothing to offer someone like Bob Floyd. But instead she said, "I meant I like it when you touch me. Even if it's by accident."
He turned to look at her, and when he saw she was crawling across the seat, his eyes went wide, and his hands slid from the steering wheel. "Anna." He inhaled a sharp breath when she planted one hand between his thighs, brushing his jeans with her fingers. She couldn't stand him thinking she didn't want him for another second. He was all she wanted. Somehow moving to San Diego got her some actual friends and a job she liked, and now a decent man with only green flags was into her, and she just couldn't make him think she felt otherwise. Even if they couldn't be together.
Bob's hands were planted on the seat at his sides, and he wasn't moving an inch as Anna straddled his legs. It was dark out, but she could see his gaze dip down to her cleavage before he met her eyes. When he spoke, his voice was deep with need. "Is it okay if I touch you now?"
"Please."
Anna's little cry of delight echoed through the cab of the truck as soon as Bob's hands settled on her bare thighs. His touch was light yet intentional, and it just left her wanting more. He was running his thumb along the frayed edge of her denim shorts, teasing her as he whispered, "I want to kiss you."
She didn't answer. Instead she reached for him, letting her fingers sink into his silky hair, leaning closer until her lips met his again. The kisses in the kitchen had been a little frantic, forcing her to get over the fact that Bob didn't want Natasha. He wanted Anna. But this was something different. Languid and slow. Needy yet decisive. She wanted to touch the rough stubble of his cheek, so she did. She wanted to feel his bottom lip tugged gently between hers, so she did. Then she parted her lips and tasted him.
The scrape of her nails along his jaw had his fingers sliding up inside the bottom of her shorts, and she wished she wasn't wearing them at all. She wanted to know the feel of his hands everywhere. "Anna," he murmured against her lips. She tugged on his hair and kissed him a little rougher, but she gasped and gave up control as soon as his big hands found their way over her shorts to her hips and yanked her snug against him. There was no more polite distance. No more breathing room. Just his hard body pressed to her soft one.
Bob's glasses were cool against her cheek, keeping her grounded as his fingers met the skin of her lower back while he tasted her tongue. His touch tickled her, and she rolled her hips forward, earning a grunt of pleasure from him. "Please," Anna whined, like it was the only word she even knew. Then her mouth was back on his. Bob's fingers traveled an inch higher, and she ground against him, but this time he broke the kiss.
When he tipped his head back, he looked bashful in the glow from the streetlights. She could feel him. He was getting hard for her, and it was delicious. Her brain supplied every suggestive line of poetry it had ever absorbed in her lifetime, and all she wanted was to make him get harder. 
She was ready to start unzipping his jeans when he eased his hands away from her body and whispered, "Will you let me walk you to your door? I've been wanting to do that for weeks."
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It was slow going, trying to get to Anna's apartment door. They kept stopping to kiss, even going so far as to end up with her body pinned between his and the wall in the stairwell. Her soft laughter as he kissed the side of her neck echoed through the enclosed space, and then she said his name.
"Bob."
Actually, it was more like a whine, and it reverberated off of the walls beautifully. "Yes, Anna?" he whispered, letting her lace their fingers together. He wanted to do this all the time. He wanted to be her boyfriend. 
She just made a strangled sound as he kissed as many of her freckles as he could get his lips on before pulling her away from the wall. Then they finally made it upstairs to her door. If she invited him inside, he wasn't sure what she would expect. As much as he was ready to skip all of the pleasantries, he knew he needed to do this just right.
"Oh," she whispered, seemingly to herself as she unlocked her door. But she didn't turn the knob as she looked back at him over her shoulder. Her pretty brown eyes flashed with concern, so he took a step away, but then she just looked sad. 
"Everything okay?" he asked. She nodded. "Will I get to see you this week? I'd love to buy you a ginger ale at the Hard Deck. Or Chippy's."
She bit her lip before abandoning the door and wrapping her arms around his neck. She was all rough kisses on her tiptoes, and Bob was ready to turn the knob, head inside and deal with the consequences later. But she ran her tongue along his bottom lip before pulling away from him just as quickly. "I need to...I'll see you later, Bob."
In a flash, she squeezed herself in through the smallest gap imaginable, and then she gently closed her apartment door behind her. Bob stood there for a minute, his cock still half hard in his jeans as he stared at the spot where Anna had just been standing. She was giving him whiplash at this point, but maybe he sort of liked that kind of thing.
He quickly adjusted himself in his jeans before heading back downstairs and out into the cool night. He was going to have to ask Jake or Bradley how long he needed to wait before asking Anna out. They would know what to do. And he had Nat back now as well. He had enough resources that he would figure it out.
But the next day after work, they all seemed to make everything more confusing for him. 
"So did you finally fuck her then?" Bradley asked casually as he put deodorant on in the locker room.
"Well, no," Bob muttered. "We just made out for a bit."
"Kids these days," Bradley muttered, shaking his head. "Well, did you at least thank Nat? For coming to your rescue?"
Bob sighed, knowing this man was going to be no help after all. "I already talked to Nat," Bob replied as they walked out of the locker room. 
Of course Natasha was in the hallway and did a double take. "Did I just hear my name? I've been so popular since I got home yesterday." Her smile slipped into a look of excitement. "Did you fuck the redhead?"
Bob cradled his forehead in his hand. "Her name is Anna. And no, because I'm actually trying to date her."
"Why not both?" Nat asked, leading the way out to the parking lot. "Give that girl what she so desperately wants."
Bob was scared Anna was going to pull away again. He hadn't heard from her at all since last night when she disappeared into her apartment. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to be texting her or not today. It was like he was living in a choose your own adventure story, but somehow none of the options were correct.
He turned right toward his truck while Bradley and Nat both turned left, but then he realized that Jake had parked next to him and was already in his own truck talking on the phone. Bob tried to sneak past, but Jake put his window down and said, "Jess wants to know what's up with you and Anna."
"Is she on the phone?" Bob asked, tossing his bag into his own truck.
"Hi!" came Jessica's voice through Jake's bluetooth. "What did you do to Anna? She was practically singing when she showed up at lunch today."
Bob immediately scrambled toward Jake's truck and stuck his head in the window. "She was?"
"Yes. And she was having a hard time paying attention. You know how she gets when her head is in the clouds."
Jake met Bob's wide eyed gaze and smiled. "You should go to her office hours," the other man drawled. "That's like a green light for fucking on her desk."
"Hey!" Jessica complained through the phone while Bob grimaced. "Jake, keep your mouth shut about it. But yes, Bob, you should go to her office hours. She'd probably really like that. It shows you're thinking about her."
Well Bob was almost never not thinking about Anna, so maybe it wasn't a bad idea. "Take her some flowers," Jake added. "Seriously, man, she'll be handing you her panties within a minute."
"Hey!" came Jessica's voice again, and this time Bob ducked into his own truck, not wanting to hear any more of that conversation.
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Monday was a bit of a blur. The first thing Anna did when she got to her office was grab her copy of Wuthering Heights from her shelf. The note she forgot to read from Bob made her smile right away.
This book made me feel like it's okay to be completely caught up in another person to the point where you forget where you are or what you're doing. Also, I'm going to think of you every time I see a dog eared page for the rest of my life.
She whimpered softly. There had been a similar, slightly more intimate note tucked inside Papillon when she checked it last night after she squeezed herself into her depressingly tiny apartment in embarrassment. She would never be able to invite Bob inside for anything. Not for a cup of tea, and not for a sleepover.
After that, Anna spent the entire night on Sunday reading her favorite poems and touching herself. Sky Writing seemed to have fallen in love, based on his new post. That idea wasn't surprising at all. Anna was convinced he was the perfect man, so it was just a matter of time. But the thing that did surprise her was the way he wrote about a certain woman with red hair. Late into the night, she was laying in her tiny bed with her fingers inside the font of her underwear, picturing Bob as she read the words to herself.
It was almost too much. Her lips were still a little bit puffy on Monday from all the making out, and she felt sated if only by her own touch. She knew Bob's beautiful hands would be so much better, and she was still thinking about them when she went to find her friends at lunchtime. 
Tuesday wasn't much better. The only damper was that she hadn't heard a single word from Bob. Nothing. She hadn't texted him either, because what was she supposed to say? Hi, I think I could fall in love with you, but I'm not allowed. Can we still make out? That would be the worst idea in the world.
"She's got her head in the clouds again."
Anna blinked a few times and realized she was sitting by the weird tree with the warm sunlight on her face. Her uneaten sandwich was in her hand, hovering halfway to her mouth, and she had been staring off into the distance. "Sorry," she muttered, finally taking a bite. Her lunch didn't even seem as sad today as she thought about Bob's hands on her thighs. 
"Can you blame her?" Jessica asked. "She kissed Bob."
"Not one bit," the other woman said with a grin, as if Anna wasn't even there. "He's a damn catch. Sweetest man ever."
Anna rolled her eyes and said, "As if you aren't married to the human equivalent of a golden retriever."
"Oh, so she is paying attention," Jessica said with a laugh. "We thought you'd blasted off for planet Bob with no return ticket."
"Your astrophysics jokes are the worst," the other woman said, and Jessica pretended to pout.
"Listen. All I know is that he's a great kisser, and that his hands fit really nicely right here," Anna said pointing to her back and her hips. Both women squealed in delight. "But I can't take things any further with him."
"Why not?" Jessica demanded. "The two of you have been playing this game since you met at the bookstore. And also since you met again at the Hard Deck."
Anna thought about Kevin and all of her money that she'd never see again. She thought about her manuscripts she'd put on hold to work three jobs. She thought about how she'd willingly given up Princeton for him.
"I don't want to drag him down to where I am," she whispered, running her finger along the condensation on her can of ginger ale. "I can't be in a relationship." That's all she wanted to say about Bob and Kevin right now, still too afraid to tell her friends everything. So she cleared her throat and asked, "What's with the cooking rivalry between Bradley and Jake? It's like an episode of Chopped." That seemed to open a very controversial can of worms, but at least the focus shifted away from her personal life.
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Bob didn't even know what kind of flowers were the right ones to get, and once again, everyone else gave him useless information. 
"I rarely get flowers for Sugar. I usually just grab some good beers on my way to pick her up from school, and that's enough to seal the deal. Then I get to drink the beer I like while my hot wife goes dow-"
"We get the picture, Bradshaw," Jake said loudly. "Bob, just get some cheap flowers and save the money to make her dinner one night."
"Do not get her cheap flowers!" Natasha chimed in. "If the two of you weren't attractive looking," she said, pointing to Bradley and Jake, "Sugar and Jessica would have bailed before they bothered to uncover actual brain cells underneath the pretty hair." Both men looked startled before eventually nodding in agreement. "You need to get good flowers and plan to invite her for dinner. Not one or the other," Nat finished, pounding her fist into her other palm. "No wonder Bob never gets laid when I'm not around to straighten everything out."
"Can we not talk about that?" he mumbled, adjusting his glasses. "And it's not like I just want to...get laid. By just anybody."
"Yeah, yeah," Natasha said, tapping away on her phone. "You're a romantic. Go get her flowers like these ones."
Bob examined her screen when she held it up for him. He memorized the red and orange blooms the best he could, and soon they started to remind him of Anna's hair. "Got it," he told her, turning toward his truck before anyone else could tell him something that may or may not end up being useful. He'd get the flowers and then invite her over. He wasn't as good at cooking as Jake or Bradley, but he'd try anyway. He was mostly out of practice since he didn't have anyone to cook for, really, but they both offered to send him their favorite recipes. 
The florist was nice and listened to him ramble about orange and red flowers for a minute before putting together something that was even prettier than he could have imagined. The sixty dollar price tag shocked him, but it didn't stop him from also grabbing a book from the front window of the shop next door. It was a new one he'd been wanting to read himself, not quite one of the classics that Anna seemed to favor, but he figured she wouldn't have read it yet. He'd let her borrow it and dog ear all the pages up, and then he'd read it and think about her the whole time.
But when he got to the San Diego State University campus, he sat in his truck and stared at the clock on his dashboard. It was 6:32. She had office hours until 7:00, so he really needed to head in there. Doubt was creeping in now, because they left things off at a weird place. He had no idea what Anna really wanted from him, if anything. If she told him no or hesitated today, he was going to have to start sorting out his feelings for her and dismantling them bit by bit.
It was 6:47 by the time he finally made his way through the academic building on his way to Anna's office. Several people turned and looked at him in his khaki uniform with the huge bouquet of flowers in his hand, and this would have been a lot less stressful if Anna was actually his girlfriend and not a woman he thought might never be that. When he reached the hallway that smelled like freshly baked bread, he found her small office right away where it was tucked back from the main walkway. The door was ajar, and he could hear her voice, so he stood there in the hallway a little awkwardly, trying to fight the urge to run back to his truck.
The door opened another inch, and Bob could see Anna's fingers and her burgundy painted nails peeking out as her voice got louder. "Here's a copy of the extra study guide. Don't forget there's a quiz on Monday. If you can ace that, then I think you'll be in better shape for the final. And try not to be too hard on yourself, Hemingway can be a bit of a challenge for anyone."
"Thanks, Dr. Webber."
The door opened all the way, and a young man filed out with a frown on his face, and then Anna was just standing there right in front of Bob. Her hair was in a loose braid, her lips had some sort of purple-ish gloss on them, and she was wearing some snug jeans and an SDSU sweatshirt. "Bob," she breathed, and it sounded like music. Her gaze raked over his uniform and the vibrant flowers before returning to his face, brown eyes more vulnerable than he ever thought they should be.
"Hi, Anna." He couldn't think of anything better to say as she backed up a step into her small office and nodded her head once for him to join her. After two of his long strides, Bob was practically bumping into her desk. Then she closed the door and leaned against it, hands tucked behind her back.
She cleared her throat, but her voice was still soft as she said, "You look nice in your uniform."
"Thanks," he replied automatically. She could have said anything, and he would have thanked her.
"Those are beautiful. Are they for me?" she whispered, eyes falling to the flowers again.
"Of course they are."
Bob watched her eyelashes brush her cheeks as her eyes fluttered closed. "You didn't have to do that. Flowers are so expensive."
"I got you a book, too," he said, sliding it out from behind the bouquet. Her eyes snapped open so she could read the title, and he said, "It's a new release, so I was hoping you didn't preorder it or anything."
Anna's cheeks were growing pinker by the second, making her freckles look more prominent. He was about to ask if she wanted to come over for dinner one night when she launched herself across the three feet of empty space, colliding softly with his body. Bob dropped the flowers and the book onto her desk just as she kissed him, her arms coming up to wrap around his neck.
She kissed him like they did this all the time, and his hands went right to her waist where they fit perfectly. "Thank you," she murmured against his lips. "Nobody ever got me books before you."
The words before you echoed in his brain. He didn't want there to be an after. He wanted this to be the real deal where neither of them had to be in a relationship where they weren't constantly trading books back and forth with someone. 
Anna kissed him until his glasses were crooked, and she raked her fingers through his hair until he was sure it was a mess. And somehow she ended up pushing him back until he was sitting on the edge of her desk with his long legs splayed apart. He knew he was in trouble; he could feel himself slipping already. She let her hands trail down the back of his neck, over his shoulders, and down the front of his shirt. She adjusted all of his pins and touched his name tag along the way as her lips barely brushed his. Her fingers moved so slowly, he thought maybe he could get himself under control, but it was no use. He was hard in his pants, and her exploratory hands weren't stopping.
"Anna."
All that did was make her kiss him harder again.
"Please."
All that did was have her pressing the font of her jeans to his khakis with a little gasp. Maybe the guys had been right about this kind of thing after all. Maybe visiting her during office hours was all it was going to take to get to the next level. Her fingers made it all the way down to his thighs, scraping along just inches from his erection, and Bob was afraid he was going to embarrass himself. He thought about icebergs and refrigerators and the Arctic Circle, but nothing alleviated the aching heat under his skin as Anna licked his lip and almost nudged the tip of his cock.
But then she said the most devastating sentence he could think of. "Bob, I really like you. But we're just friends, okay?" Then she kissed him again like she hadn't spoken something so harsh, and he thought maybe he imagined it. "Just really good friends who make out with each other."
"Fuck," he grunted, trying to get control even as his hands kneaded the bare skin of her lower back. "Anna." He swallowed hard and pulled his mouth away from hers, examining her wide eyes. Her teeth sank into her pouty bottom lip when he said, "I was going to invite you over for dinner later this week."
"As friends?" she whispered, her hands still planted on his thighs. 
Bob nodded like an idiot, because once again, he was going to agree to anything she said right then. "Sure."
She kissed him softly and said, "Okay."
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But is it okay? Is it really? Next up, let's see how this dinner goes. We might need Nat to fully step in and take care of business again. Also, I love Bradley and Jake in this chapter so so so much! Thanks @beyondthesefourwalls
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withleeknow · 3 days
Note
hi lovely!! first off congrats on 1k that's so so awesome and you deserve all that + more truly :( your writing is so tender and so lovey
i would to join in on your little drabble event!!! could you do something for hanji and the song compass by the neighbourhood? that song reminds me of him so so much so i hope you get the vision!! thank you angel and have a beautiful day!! ✮⋆˙
compass.
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pairing: producer!jisung x reader genre/warnings: established relationship, hurt/comfort?, fluff, swearing, arson jokes? lmao word count: 1.4k
as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡
main masterlist / request masterlist / ko-fi
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you're always there to help me when i'm down i'm lucky you've been keeping me around you're the star i look for every night when it's dark, you'll stick right by my side
compass - the neighbourhood
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"fuck, fuck, fuck!"
the sound of jisung's verbalized frustration draws your attention to his desk and setup in the middle of room, where he's been sitting for the better part of two hours, hunched over the equipment like he often does when he's in the studio.
it's written all over his face just how upset he is that this particular piece he's working on isn't flowing right. the deep furrow between his eyebrows communicates utter displeasure. the clench of his jaw tells you he's angry, and that he's angry at himself for not being able to work through his block.
you abandon your comfortable spot on the couch in favor of pattering over to his side where he's all tensed up like an aggrieved hamster whose body can't contain the annoyance he feels. jisung can be short-tempered sometimes, but you know how to handle him in moments like this.
sliding a hand over his back, you say, "take a little break with me."
he huffs out a breath, eyes still focused on his laptop screen. "i can't afford a break. chan hyung expects this to be done in two days."
"so it's in two whole days. you can leave it for fifteen minutes, it won't kill you."
"but i still have to rework the first verse and figure out what in the fucking hell this second verse is-"
"han jisung," you scold him lightly, to which he instantly shuts up and peers up at you with his big eyes, immediately apologetic when he recognizes his harsh language.
"sorry," he mumbles, "i'm just stressed."
"which is why you need a break. you're not doing anyone any good just sitting here and trying to make your laptop explode with your eyes."
he lets out a pathetic-sounding mewl but he follows you to the couch regardless. jisung knows you're right because you always are. you're the more level headed between the two of you, whereas he's the one who lets his emotions get the better of him sometimes.
before, he would often succumb to his negative feelings. it's hard to keep his cool when nothing seems to go right and there's a deadline on his ass. he'd get so frustrated with his work that sometimes, he would delete whole tracks off his drive only to instantly regret it and spiral even more. he'd take it out on the people around him with his grumpy attitude and misplaced pettiness.
when jisung is overwhelmed, he tends to spin out in all directions. he splinters and drowns in a sea of his own making, constantly being pushed away further and further from shore because he doesn't know how to anchor himself, how to hold on so he wouldn't drift far away. his solution to soothe his anger has always been to give into it, to rip whole pages from notebooks and lock himself in his studio for hours on end until he could plow through the stubborn creative block. it'd often leave him exhausted - emotionally and physically so - and in no better state than he started out with.
jisung accepted this a long time ago - that his way of dealing with his emotions wasn't very healthy, but it was the only way he knew.
that is, until you popped into his world and taught him that people can be lifelines too. falling upon him like a wish that he never realized he was making his whole life.
"what's the matter, baby?" you ask, prompting him to air out his grievances as he lays his head on your chest while you card your fingers through his soft curls. he leans into you instantly, a long sigh escaping his pouty lips. jisung's got a lot of pride, and he would rather die before admitting to anyone that he loves to be babied by you behind closed doors.
he knows the question is just your way of getting him to verbalize all of his pent-up frustration, and not because you're eager to help him traipse through his mind palace and solve whatever dilemma he's having with the track. let's be honest, you never really have a clue what he's talking about, but it helps that you're keen on listening to him even though you can't offer him any valuable insight. more than you could ever know, it does wonders for jisung, just being able to untangle his thoughts and release the mess in his mind.
he could simply just talk to chan, sure, or any of his other friends who work in the industry. but again, his pride is an awful thing sometimes.
you never make him feel like he has prove himself to earn your love and attention, though. around you, jisung feels enough as he is. there's never been any need to toughen up in your presence.
"i just... i can't work with this track. nothing is flowing right. i hate everything i come up with." he rambles on about the things that plague his mind; topline this and beats that - they're really just words to you. you weren't blessed with the same genius in music that jisung was, so you just listen until he's done, until he concludes his tangent with a groan as he nuzzles further into the comfort of your warmth.
"you said that the last time, you know?"
"said what?"
"that everything sucks and you hate it."
"because everything sucks," he whines again, his eyebrows knitted together as he adorns a petulant pout. "and i hate it."
as you play with his fluffy hair, you feel him lean into your touch like it's the very thing that will bring him clarity. in a way, it does. your gentle touch may not give him the answer he needs, but it quiets the static in his mind, drowns out the continuous buzzing that muddles his brain.
"you're too hard on yourself," you say, to which jisung just huffs out a breath in disagreement. "i'm serious. you say this every time but it all still works out in the end. you're so smart, and talented. you shouldn't forget that."
his frown only deepens in response to your words. he knows you're right; things have always turned out fine before. trust the process and all that shit, but he's hot-headed and impatient sometimes, and he doesn't want to endure the stress that often comes with the process. he just wants to get to the finish line.
then, you continue, "remember 13?"
"what about 13?"
"you didn't like it at first either. you were so dramatic about it. but you sucked it up and finished it anyway. you made a hit and nobody could stop talking it. i believe in you. you just need to believe in yourself too."
in complete silence except for the sound of your steady heartbeat in his ears, jisung keeps laying on top of you like a weighted blanket, soaking up your words as a flower would in warm sunlight. of course he remembers 13 and the day he let you listen to the song for the first time. you'd nearly burst into tears in the middle of this studio, pressing kisses all over his face while you gushed over how proud you were of him.
"damn you," he mutters after a while. "why do you have to be so rational?"
"someone's gotta be. if i wasn't here, you probably would've ripped all your hair out, set your keyboard on fire and ran off into the woods."
he shoots up instantly, propping himself on two elbows as he glares at you even though you've got a valid point. it's not that far-fetched of a scenario.
"what?" you tilt your head with a coy smile. "am i wrong?"
jisung stares at you for a quick minute, and it's that very smile you're wearing that mitigates his frustrations and dulls his urge to sabotage his work out of self-inflicted anger. he says nothing at all, just leans down quickly to give you a kiss full of appreciation, despite the way there was a frown tugging on his eyebrows only seconds prior.
"you good now?" you ask, the words coming out a little muffled against his mouth.
if it's with you, then he is. you're the anchor that helps him part his stormy seas. you're the compass that always guides him home. he really doesn't know where he'd be without you, or how he'd manage in times like these if you're not by his side to ground him.
"always good with you around."
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all rights reserved © withleeknow. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted 24.04.2024]
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privitivium · 3 days
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hii!! im not very good at english, so pls forgive me if i say anything wrong.. 😭🙏 i saw your denji work and i was in love! your works are so yummy. can i request softdom!top! yoshida hirofumi from chainsaw man and sub bottom reader ?
id like to think that reader is very stubborn n sometimes mean (in a affectionate way) w yoshida, but once yoshida touches him gently and praises him he just turns into a sobbing mess during sex..
of course you don’t have to write this if you don’t feel like it.. have a good day and make sure to eat & drink water!! ^^
yoshida hirofumi, "mean" male reader,,,
yoshida is so beautiful!! katana man however,, is so hot,,, going through it w him. i need him. 'tsundere' reader honestly.
18/18, both amab, softdomtop yoshida, subbot reader, cw;;; praise, teasing,,, yoshida jerks you off, very faint dacryphilia.
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there was no use in trying to play dumb... there was also no use in hiding your true feelings from yoshida. one side-eye glance from him and you feel he's already got you figured out - what mood you're in, what you're thinking… it's too fucking weird.
it's even weirder when he takes advantage of your emotions. getting you all riled up - making fun of you in his own nonchalant way, knowing how sensitive you are. making you upset and in return grumpily mumbling about how absolutely fucking dreadful he is and you wish you could transfer schools if it wasn't for... if it wasn't for what? the words always die on your tongue... you won't say that you enjoy his pestering. not ever.
a simple instance, alone time. alone together. hanging out on the roof and droning about in a lackadaisical tone regarding your classmate, venting your frustrations as she was relentless as he was in teasing youㅡ“it's like a female yoshida.” you huff, tossing him a glare. “you two in cahoots? must be. hired someone to fuck with me when you're not around to pester me?”
ㅡwhat? no, of course not. who is this woman? she will be dealt with immediately. only he is allowed to make fun of you. yoshida hummed, apparently not in the mood for playful banterㅡrather, thinking about what exactly he'd do to ward off this girl. silence settles... several minutes before he's acting up again. bothering you with his mere happiness.
you glance at him at the corner of your eye. catching the way he was staring right back at you and grinning... so fucking creepy - why the hell was he smiling at you so suddenly? the two of you had just been sitting in silenceㅡa very comfortable silenceㅡbefore you felt, and saw him look over at you. making you nervous as you try so hard not to look back at him…!! at the corner of your eye, obsidian eyes ever so blank. always knowing what buttons to push!!!
you falter, your eyes inadvertently catching his and lingering in the void of his gaze for a fraction too longㅡ”could you not stare?” you narrow your eyes as you make a point not to look at him, squirming in place. appearing annoyed, growing shy,,, arms instinctively crossing over your chest as if seeking solace, your gaze darting sideways away from his -
ㅡ“s-shit, yoshidaaa!!” you mewled pitifully, hand shakily moving to cover your mouth as sobs fall from your lips freely,,, he was too good. or you were just too weak. weak to his ,,, particularly gentle caresses and nimble hand teasing your cockhead,,, he was so smug. so sly!!! he admits to only himself, that he has a particular thing for you when you look up at him with those tearful, narrowed eyes.
yoshida chuckles breathlessly, nuzzling into your neck just to inhale your scent before pulling back - cupping your cheek as he admires you, “you’re okay.” he reassured, smiling casually as he pets your burning, tear-streaked cheek... leaning inward. whispering, cooing to you,,, “you’re fine…”ㅡplacing fluttering kisses long your tear-streaked cheek,,,, his hand stroking along your half-hard cock….,,,, saying that he has you, no reason to be such a crybaby...
eyeing your expression up and down... "so sensitive. but so mean to me during the day?" he mumbles his thoughts aloud, teasing you verbally just as he was thumbing the slit of your cockhead. ohh the agony,,, you were never as mean as he is with you... (lies!) "you're such a brat, but here you are... melting away." he breathes, burying his face in the crook of your neck as he jerks you off. YEAH.
when not preoccupied with denji - tormenting him in his own ways and all - he took pleasure in fucking with you even more than denji! you felt that way, anyway. yoshida. obviously, had a thing for calling you needy, specifically. the nerve of that fucking guy... you weren't needy. if anything, he was needy. finding you in the halls during free period, tormenting you with his gaze alone. ugh! obsessed much? gosh!
the absolute fucking gall of this guy. making fun of you, ever so sly and downright cruel! ( you were sensitive - ) you didn't deserve any of it! ( you did. ) you were just so nice and lovely, why was yoshida always so cruel with you? ah, but let's not forget how truly soft he is with you,,, his dear boy. his dear... lover. he's just so fucking annoying, isn't he?
held up in your bedroom after begrudgingly letting him in your home... playing annoyed, you're so bothersome, yoshida - following me home, creep? before he subdues you rather uhmㅡquicker, than you're used to.
ㅡyoshida falters momentarily, taking a tender moment to admire your trembling, bare splayed out on your bed. tearful eyes darting across his face... skin slickened with a thin sheen of sweat and so visibly flustered - fidgeting, arms fighting to cross over your chest. he grinned. leaning downward, sighing out in pure contentment, lips teasingly ghosting along the central seam of your abdomen, void eyes peering at you through his locks of hair that never bothered to cut above eye-length. easing you with an equally gentle, affectionate; “that's my sweet boy…”
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seriousbrat · 2 days
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Hi babes. Do you have any recommendations for jily fics with a good characterisation of James? Xxx ty
okay i've been trying to rack the old brains but it's been a while since I've actually read much jily, at least canon-compliant longfics-- I stopped when I was beginning to write my own fic because I didn't want to be even accidentally influenced haha.
I think my problem oftentimes, even with the most popular fics in fandom, is that james (and sirius) are too nice. Lol. Like I think there's a tendency to skirt around the bullying aspect, or lessen it, or make excuses for it. And I can understand this, honestly I kind of feel like I didn't go hard enough with it myself sometimes but I just want them to be mean. I also don't love when he's overly suave/sexually experienced like bro is a teenage boy. but anyway
If anyone has recs please chime in!! I feel kind of bad lol I wish I could be more helpful. Here are a few things that have stuck in my mind:
I love my dear friend acciosalmon's jily ficlets and the way she writes james through lily's eyes (although my fave of hers is a onesided snily piece: glitter disco hot mess which I can't recommend enough, ik it wasn't what you asked for)
the order of the ladbroke grove anarchists is sadly long abandoned, the greatest tragedy because this is my favourite marauders au of all time and I reread it every so often.
those are both from ages ago, but other jily authors i have recently enjoyed are @firefeufuego and @annabtg, give them a look for sure!
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seosracha · 2 days
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Hi again! Now that ik you do song based fics, i must share my idea with you cause i love your writing!. I was wondering if you'd do a fic for ZB1 Hanbin or Zhang Hao (whichever you think fits this best!) based on the song "like you want me to" by Lyn Lapid where reader believes they deserve someone better than them! <3
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୨୧⸻ like you want me to - SUNG HANBIN
genre: angst NOTHING MORE😂🔥🙏 , oneshot
pairing: sung hanbin x gn!reader
wc: 0.6k
authors note: hi nonnie I just want to tell you IM OBSSESED with this song now and also sorry for being lazy and not doing this req 😆😆 anyways requests are open if anyones interested!!!
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You’ve been dating Sung Hanbin for around 8 months now. 
He was everything you ever wanted in a man; kind, caring and wasn't afraid to show his love for you. He was also gorgeous, a smile always decorated his face so perfectly, never allowing you to stay mad at him for long periods of time. He touched your mind and heart so beautifully and delicately. 
That's how he always was. At least at the beginning. He'd be so proud to show you off to his friends, not afraid of being bullied by them for it. He'd take you out practically everyday, glad to even have the oppurtunity to be near you.
And even as embarassing as it was to admit, Hanbin was your every first. You had never been the one to initate romantic interctions with people, and he was the one who truly showed you what it means to love someone deeply.
So it was hard to accept the fact that he no longer was the Hanbin you fell in love with. 
You wished you could go back to the moment he changed. You kept blaming yourself for it, wondering where you went wrong, why was it never enough. If only you knew the exact thing, the exact day when the switch flipped inside of him, maybe you could find a way to fix it all. 
You gave him the world, and would give him more if you ever could. Some part of you didn't want to accept the fact that you did deserve better, because the short moments when you’d see the old Hanbin peek through his new persona, kept you in place. 
Maybe he had noticed, trying desperately to keep you around, but it was all so fake. It was all so incredibly fake, cause it'd never last. 
And you never wanted to ruin the one afternoon you’d occasionally have together, bringing up issues in the midst of a moment you so rarely were a witness of. He’d show up at your house, and even though you knew you shouldn’t come out, thinking that maybe he’d finally understand, still, somehow your heart found a way to open that door. 
You knew you were hurting yourself by doing this. You knew that the longer you continued lying to yourself, the harder it would get to let him go. You needed much more than he could possibly offer you, and yet still you found yourself opening that door, replying to that message, and answering that call. 
Your friend had told you she had seen him with someone else last Wednesday. 
You should’ve realized you needed someone better a long time ago. 
How come it took so much fights, lies and harsh words for you to finally realize your worth. 
And even though Hanbin was practically perfect, you knew deep deep down that even with a spark, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna light. 
You loved learning knew things, absorbing new knowledge, and the one thing you learned so quickly was how to love him.
So you hated the fact that'd you'd never learn how to stop.
You may have loved Hanbin, but he’d never want you like you wanted him to. 
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Chapter 2- Investigation (Pages 1 & 2)
Previous Page
Next Page
And so we start Ayla’s chapter! I really hope you guys enjoy what’s to come! Also, I’d like to say that I have an official update schedule: I’ll be updating every other Friday. Thank you again for all the support so far!!
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kkujo · 5 months
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and everything has consistently sucked since we got back from that trip.. not a week after that i got covid and was really sick the beginning of august was truly the last time i felt properly happy. word
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cryolyst · 7 months
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-
#they speak!#ignore this#my coworker needs to move out and i can't tell if he was mostly joking or completely serious but he asked if i wanted to rent a place w him#and it's so tempting it's. so fucking tempting i want to move out so bad#and especially on days like today where i have to listen to my parents fail to communicate without getting loud and angry#like i feel so awful. i'm 22 and i still have to hide in my room and try not to cry. i can't live like this anymore.#and it feels so hopeless because what else can i do? fuck up my health even more by working more hours?#so i can afford renting a tiny place? when i'm already so unwell and struggling to take care of myself??#and i know i'm not at a place to cut my parents out of my life so i'd have to endure all the judgement they'll have about who i room with#and i know know know no matter who i room with there'll be judgement. because i can't even talk to friends casually without it lol#not to overshare on main but i was omw to work on friday and almost cried at the bus station#because i was thinking about how i never really had an adult in my life that really truly loved and nurtured me#like yeah i had teachers and later in my teens some community members that supported me and were positive influences with positive impacts#and as much as i am hurt by my parents they still very much cared for me and shaped me as a person. both for better and for worse.#and yeah be the adult that is there for yourself now and all that but.#i can never change the fact that there wasn't someone that was there. and i wish i could stop mourning but it's hard. it's so hard.#and one day it will get easier but for now i just have to endure it. i guess. hahaha. :)
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sensitivegoblin · 4 months
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Ramble/update/vent
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mrfoox · 2 years
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Uh you ever.... Feel okay or pretty decent and then you remember your lifes circumstances and then you're at the verge of tears?
#miranda talking shit#Maybe this is too specific but hah yeah ...#I can feel okay and be like ah things are pretty good ! And then i remember how my life 'is' and im close to a breakdown#Trying nit to compare myself to others and so on but like.... Its so hard not to lmao#25 soon and no job havent finished high-school i got no partner (plus i guess a virgin lol)#And all the things i havent done or experienced which is pretty universal? Yeah mmm... Ive lost so much of my time and life to mental#Illness and i cant help but morn that. Like if i didnt have my child trauma id probably have a lot milder anxiety and depression which is#Keeping from doing most things... Id still have my autistic and add struggles but i want to imagine I'd manage to accomplish more if#My dep and anx wasn't this bad bc of my past... I hate how my mentality was wrecked before i even knew how to count to 100#And sooo many years of my childhood just feeling bad and even suicidal (first time i mentioned wanting to die in my diary i was 10-11...)#Just struggling so many years mentally and since i was so young i couldn't make the connection why i was feeling like it? Like the first#Time i started considering why etc i was already like 16.... I didnt think it was weird to cry every single day as long as i can remember#Now at 25 i am still a crybaby but i do it weekly instead. Its just so ... Weird and sad. You dont understand how serious something was#That happened to you and how it affected you until youre almost an adult... And you start to understand that its not just all on you#Its not just your fault youre struggling so much. Youre not just being lazy and difficult ... God Just wish someone protected me when#It mattered . I know my past could have been worse i could have been treated a lot worse and abused more and still to this day it makes me#Feel iffy or bad to claim i was abused? I mean... I was? But cant help to feel my trauma and experiences is not as serious as others#Like i wasnt sexually abused for example or abused by my parents... And i know many have so i feel its not my ... Right to say anything ?#Like my brothers mentally abused me for years and physically from time to time but it could be so much worse#Idk where im going with this i need to go to my vourses instead im crying in the bathroom like stop#Negative
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isitovernow-ootw · 1 year
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beginning to wish i was exposed to queer internet spaces a bit later so i could have just existed for a while, its really hard to think about my gender when I haven't spent a single period of time not analyzing it since i was 13
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svtskneecaps · 1 year
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i always know i’m getting stressed when my comfort fic becomes “time travel fix-it” adjacent. like honestly when i put that tag back in the ao3 include filters that should have been a red flag.
#i also know i'm getting stressed because i'm starting to do quirky shit#like naming one of my wip documents 'the inside of my head sounds like screaming'#plus i just. have the insatiable urge to DO SOMETHING but that something is none of the things i can think of to do#even the unproductive ones. even the productive ones. it's not that. i need to DO SOMETHING but my body and mind can't decide on what#i'm running out of time. i have a deadline. the deadline has always been tangible and yet somehow it never was.#i have an exact date and somehow that's still nebulous and ephemeral#i am so tired#how do i convince someone i'm hireable when sometimes i'm still trying to convince myself#like i would love to tell these people that i am a WHIZ i am a GODSEND like if i don't know how to do it point me at the documentation#like i'd love to tell them all of that but the minute i look at a job application suddenly i'm questioning everything i thought i Knew#like i'm handed a school assignment and i'm like yes. this i can do. idc. it'll be done and i'm gonna get a damn A#why is this different. like literally why would it be that different. they say 'do this thing' and then i do the fucking thing.#that's life. that's work. that's what i've been told. why am i so scared. why am i not sure i can do it.#like i CAN do it that's what we've been fucking preparing for#i have As!!! As!!!!! they emailed me about graduating with distinction!!!!#i wasn't even trying that fucking hard!!!! this is my normal tryhard!!!!!#why am i so scared a job won't want me. when they're asking for fresh faced college grads.#i'm so tired. i have a headache. i am so afraid. i just need a job. literally one.#i am so scared of the mess i am going to become once i cross that stage#i am so. terrified. i wish i could anticipate graduation like everybody else in my design project.#the future has teeth. and my only option rn is just. bite it first. but i don't think i've ever been that violent.#i'm not ready#i am so scared#not kpop#shut up vic#negativity
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kachulein · 10 months
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I'm proud of myself for being able to make it all the way home and wait until I was in my room to start sobbing🤧
#to hell with that stupid pmdd#during that time every lil thing makes me cry and i hate it#i had an 9am gym session#my second of the 36 sessions of prevention training (idk the right word in english) after surgery & physical therapy#and it was fine and all#but then at the end my trainer asked when i wanted the next session#and i asked for towards the end of next week#because i'll be busy trying not to die from endo this weekend and the beginning of next week#and i thought i might be able to barely function towards the end of the week#but then he was like 'you gotta train 2-3x a week'#yeah normally that would be fine but!! not!! during!! my!! endo!! week!!#but of course i didn't have the confidence to explain it because talking to people is so hard for me#so now i have a gym session during the worst days of the month and idk how i'm supposed to do any exercises when i can barely walk#ppl who just don't know the immense pain that comes with endo... god i wish i could talk more openly about that#and especially tell men that it just isn't possible to get anything done during that time#so yeah#of course i was upset because it didn't go as i planned#and i was upset that i once again wasn't able to put my boundaries in place#and then i just walked past so many people on my way home#and i hate that so much because passing by strangers makes me uncomfortable#so in the end i just needed a good sobbing session#while jinnie was sleeping next to me :')#but now i'll probably dive back into my book#forget that this world exists and ignore all the tasks i have to complete#because i've had 5 appointments this week and i am dead now#kachu rambles
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inkskinned · 5 months
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it is the first snow today. i think we should all have off work, even though it didn't stick. i think there should be 4 national holidays, one for each season. happy first snow, go home and make cookies. for spring it can be the first crocus. for summer the first lightning bug. for autumn, the first golden leaf. go home, kiss your dog, feed your cat (who is absolutely already-fed but somehow still starving.)
i think we should all take more showers together, but i mean that in the soft way. i mean it like taking a nap. two years ago i had 5 adult friends in my queen bed, all of us laying across each other, head over belly over thigh over hand. any time one of us would giggle, it would ripple over each of us, like pulling on a spiderweb. kim actually needed to nap and didn't get to sleep and i am still sorry for it even though this is one of my most precious memories.
i think we should all wash each other's hair, i mean. i walk my dog and i watch someone put up twinkle lights around their front porch. alex and i just moved, and i love the neighborhood. already so many of our new neighbors have stopped by to say hello. the nice lady downstairs also collects plants, like me. she gave us her number on a pink post-it note. i am trying to decide whether to make her cookies or brownies.
i am going through a very hard time. something bad happened this weekend that i do not wish to discuss. it is hanging over me. i think of the green ribbon, and the woman who had her throat cut. it feels like that sometimes, inside of my body. like i am walking and talking despite being half-corpsed. like i am hanging on by a ribbon, standing on some kind of cusp. i keep saying - at least it wasn't worse. we are so lucky it wasn't worse. the idea is river-rock smooth now, all the edges worried off.
in this very dark night - the sun sets by 3 now - people don't need to, but they try anyway. they paint the missing light into things. i have an embarrassing number of missed calls and texts, but i feel the love from them nevertheless - hey. if you need something, i'm here. i will bring you food/puzzles/anything. i got you.
i think we should all have a big group chat where we do errands with strangers. this week i got lost in a home depot, which is wild because i'm a lesbian and we are actually hatched in a lowe's lumber section. there were two other women in the whole store. we ended up shopping together, at first by accident (we all needed things in the same aisle), and then because, well, why not. one of the ladies was taller than me, so she pulled down the screws i needed. i am agile and have the personality of a raccoon, so they sent me after anything below 3 feet. we talked about holiday plans and never learned each other's names, but did learn all the drama about each other's families.
i am making you cupcakes, because i have so much affection i want to pour it into batter. you ask me if i am eating enough per meal. i wrap your gift twice, trying to do it prettily. i get excited to give it to you, just because i hope you'll be excited too.
my parents drive an hour just to see the new apartment and to do the parent thing; standing in the kitchen saying things like "oh you'll get so much use from this dishwasher" and "well, you could paint that" and "when your mother and i moved it was uphill both ways and in a snowstorm and of course your brother was an infant." my mother brought me a plant for housewarming. i always say i love you before she leaves.
i play dnd on tuesdays still, after all these years. we all keep that night free. at one point, between grad school and marriage and all of it, we had to have a serious discussion about how to keep it running. we will keep going, we decided eventually. just to see each other, even if we don't play - you are all important to me. sebastian is not prone to affection but last night he stole my usual sign off - i love you all, be good, he said. he was laughing.
i don't love the winter, actually. i like snow in theory, but i grew up in the north, and am too-familiar with the season of "mud and sludge". i don't like being cold. but i do love something kind of soft and rare: every year around this time, people remember oh yes. you and i are human together. and i have love to spare.
it is the first snow, and something in my heart is finally warm again. i have spent what felt like the last 18 months just going-through-the-motions. it has felt blank and immediate, like i would never actually feel again. that sounds extremely trite and stupid - but that is the boring and familiar experience of depression. life just washes up against your windows, and you watch it happening. you see things that should be lovely and affecting, and it just whispers too-thin. i was desperately uncreative. uninterested in my hobbies. unimpressed by my writing. i told my therapist, often, i don't know how to find hope again.
almost sheepishly, something strange and lovely is burning in my chest. i keep not-looking at it, worried it will scamper back into the shadows again. it is skittish and wild, but it is so warm i want to sink my hands into its fur and feel it breathing. i love-hate it: if it's real, it can hurt me when it leaves again. but i am icarus-born, sun-lover and poet: i can't help myself. despite my best intentions, i am falling in love with life again.
i am planning to make cookies for my friends. alex and i are going to go christmas tree shopping. we picked out matching dish towels last night, and they have little mushrooms on them.
i love you. it does come back. yes, even after a long time. even for you. i promise. keep trying. you will wake up and it will be a day you can smile about.
write me when you get there. we will take the day off of work, and i will wash your hair, and we will both be laughing.
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