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starr-fall-knight-rise · 4 years

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Humans are Space Orcs, “Proper Profanity.”

WARNING: Obviously this contains a lot of profanity, lol duh :)

Hopefully it’s at least entertaining

Dr Krill was cleaning the infirmary.. He didn’t mind cleaning, it left his mind time to wander, to think more about the humans. Today he was thinking about linguistics and the complicated way in which humans spoke to each other. It was actually quite beautiful once you stopped being annoyed with it.

He had recently compiled a list of human idioms he found rather delightful. He especially liked ‘when I am ice skating in hell’ not only did it require knowledge of human theology, but also of human sports. Plus it was a great way to tell people no.

Made him want to wriggle a little inside when he thought about it.

Now that he had gotten the use of idioms. He was starting to think about the use of human exclamations. There were so many, he hardly knew where to start.

He was so distracted with his musings that he ended up knocking over a stack of bedpans. They fell to the floor with a clatter before spinning across the open ground.

He looked down and decided that this was the perfect opportunity to try out some of his new exclamations. He wasn’t entirely sure how they worked, but you didn’t get anywhere without trying, “Shit hat!”

He stared at the bedpans trying to determine what he was feeling at the moment.

He didn’t have long for his pondering as Dr. Katie poked her head out of her office. Behind her large square glasses she looked more than a little confused. Another head peered around the corner, and he was surprised to find the captain staring at him with a bemused expression. The door to the far end of the room slid open and a group of marines peered inside.

Hmm, perhaps he had done something wrong.

“Did you just say, shit hat?” Dr Katie wondered glancing between him and the captain.

“That’s what I heard.” he said stepping out from inside.

“Did I do something wrong?” krill wondered in bemusement.

The marines laughed, “What were you even trying to do/”

“I was trying to use an angry exclamation.” The doctor explained

The captain walked over to sit on the edge of one of the beds staring at Krill with a critical eye, “Well, it was a good effort, but not exactly right.”

“What do you mean.”

The marines walked in to sit with them as did doctor Katie.

The captain shook his head, “Well Krill, you see cursing is a very delicate art, you can’t just throw them together like that. For instance what you were trying to say was likely either ust shit, or ass hat. You can’t just throw them together. Shit would have worked, but in this instance ass hat wouldn’t have.”

“I do not understand.”

The captain cracked his knuckles, “I will demonstrate, let us first begin with the word ass

Ass/arse = your pretty much just calling them a donkey at this point

Ass hat = refers to a person who is usually stupid or annoying

Ass wipe = a general insult for someone you don’t like

Dumbass = an idiot

Asshole = someone who is mean or rude

Smartass = can be a term of endearment, but otherwise it might be used as a term for someone who is sarcastic or a know it all

Fatass = someone who eats a lot or is also fat

Ass face = another general insult, but this is specifically an insult and a comparison on their face to someone’s butt.

So what you were doing doesn't exactly work because you use ass hat is an insult for a person and not an exclamation.”

He looked around at the others to make sure they agreed with him before continuing, “our next word is damn.

Damn = can be used as an exclamation of anger in general.

Daaaaaaaaammmnnn = is for general awe, like if I saw someone do something really cool.

Damnit = another exclamation of anger generally a bit higher than just damn

God Damn it = is just a little higher than the previous two, but implies that you want the creator himself to come down and damn the thing that you are cursing.

As a general side note, you can use damn for inanimate objects.

Damn you = is similar but usually directed towards a person. The equivalent of telling someone to go to hell or flipping them the bird.

Damn it all = We ramp it up a bit here. You just don’t want to damn the object, but you want to damn everything.

Damn it all to hell = see previous but more specific

Hot Damn! = this is another good exclamation. You just saw something really cool or someone who is really hot, or something that you really want.

I don’t give a damn = is the fancy way of saying I don’t care.

Are you following me so far?”

Krill nodded eagerly doing his best to remember all of this on such short notice.

“Good, now we get onto another one which I am slightly less familiar but I will try

Bitch = used to mean a female dog, but now sort of means someone who is a coward or pathetic in some way.

Bitching = to complain

Bitch ass = not entirely sure, but if i say to get your bitch ass over here, I don’t have respect for you, though it is often used as a term of endearment between women

Bitchboy = calling someones masculinity into question

“Ok now we get to my favorite word shit, so beautifully versatile, but it means that you have to be careful because each one has a different connotation.

The noun Shit = literally means excrement but can be used as an exclamation of displeasure. It can also replace stuff or things. Like where’s my shit

To shit = a verb means to take a dump

The adjective shitty = means something really sucks

See, a little more versatile than before, now.

Shitter = a toilet or the location where the verb takes place

A shit = is exactly what it sounds like.

To take a shit = is the same as the verb

I don’t give a shit = I don't care kind of like I don’t give a damn

I won't take this shit = means I am not going to put up with you

Bullshit = information, generally a lie or something that is conflated or untrue

Batshit = is a modifier to someone who is insane, it generally means they are really crazy

Shitthole = a place that is really horrible or dirty

Shitstain = general insult for a person you hate

Shithead = see above

Shitfaced = really drunk

The shit = something or someone that is really good

Hot shit= same as the shit

You think you’re hot shit? = generally a challenge to someone who needs to get off their high horse.

A piece of shit = means you suck or your a lowlife

Shitload = a lot of

To lose your shit = to go crazy or get really mad

To be on someone’s shit list = means they don’t like you

My shit = it's mine my stuff my property

Your shit = your problems and I don’t want them

Add an animal in the front like chicken or horse to denote a situation or information that you don’t like. This is horse shit for example.

Shit hits the fan = things get real

Shoot the shit = to talk with someone on a social level

He knows his shit = means he’s smart on a certain topic

You don’t know shit = you don’t know anything

To give someone shit = you .”mess with them or to give them a hard time

Dipshit = an idiot

I am honestly cutting back on the amount of uses in this situation because if we continued this, it might go on too long.

Kril leaned in a little, “how fascinating. I had no idea one word could be so diverse.”

The human leaned in, “Than you are going to love this next one

Fuck = sort of an upper escalation of shit. I don't know if the noun means anything really but the verb technically means to do it.

Fuck that = I am not going to do that there is no way in hell

Fuck you = I hate you go die

Fuck it = might as well just do this thing regardless of the consequences

Fuck me = an exclamation of annoyance. Kind of like how could my life get any worse. Generally used when things aren't going your way. Of course you could use it in it’s literal translation as a command form or a question.

Fuck it all = another exclamation kind of like damn it all

Fuck this shit = generally a screw this thing or activity specifically

Fuck this = see above but less intense

Fuckery = like what kind of fuckery is this. A question used to ask about some sort of unsavory activity.

Fuck off = telling someone to leave or go away angrily.

Fucnking hell = just an exclamation

Fucking shit = also just an exclamation

Generally you can put fucking in front of any other curse word noun and you got yourself a good insult hell, damn et. etc

Fuckwit = an idiot

Fuckface = general insult like shithead

I dont give a fuck = i dont care

I dont give a flying fuck = i really don’t care

Thats fucked = that is screwed up

Hes fucked = hes screwed as in a situation specifically

Lets get fucked up = lets go get drunk or high

Lets fuck him up = lets beat him up

Well…. Fuck = an exclamation of distress

A fuck ton = larger than a shitload

If you get fucked over = you’ve been used or betrayed

And the classic a motherfucker = sort of just a general term for someone, but I want to say it definitely implies someone is having sex with their mom

Fucktard = an idiot.

Krill looked on in fascination and delight, “Holy shit!”

The captain blinked and then grinned, “There you go, now you're getting it. Totally forgot about that one.” He patted Krill on the back, “Now go forth, be free in your newfound knowledge and the glorious art that is cursing properly. Make sure not to use it too much though or in certain types of company because it will either cause you problems or lose it’s power. Like for instance, don’t curse around my mother or she will kill me for teaching you. Don’t curse around superior officers unless they curse first, and even then try to avoid doing it too much. Got it.”

Krill nodded.

He was so excited to apply this new rule of human language

#earth is a deathworld #Earth is space Ausralia #humans are insane #humans are space orcs #HUMANS ARE WEIRD #humans are space oddities

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thejamesoldier · 4 years

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Every Tomorrow

AO3 Link

a/n: Did I write this fic bc I slammed face first back into the inuyasha fandom after the premiere of yashahime? Absolutely. Did I write this fic so I could get those g o o d domestic inukag feels? Absolutely. Did I write this fic as a way to come to terms with the fact that one of my first crushes as a kid happened to be an animated dog man? Absolutely. Enjoy yall xxx

(this goregous gif isn’t mine!)

rating: explicit

pairing: inuyasha x kagome

tags: protective inuyasha, jealous inuyasha, emotionally constipated inuyasha, honestly whats new, youkai mates, soulmates, youkai culture, mate bonds, mate rituals, touch-starved inuyasha, shippo is kagome’s son dont talk to me, mirsan as parents, sesshoumaru is still kinda a prick but we like him now, angst and smut and fluff, domestic bliss, srsly this shit is so soft i should be arrested, non-canon compliant with yashahime, shit ton of inukag being cute tbh

summary: 'Kagome smiles through tears of insurmountable joy as a shadow passes over her. She tilts her head back and finds a familiar silhouette bending over the ledge of the well. The figure is still for a moment, as if frozen in utter disbelief, before a clawed hand reaches down to her and with a shuttering exhale, Kagome takes it. Inuyasha hauls her up into the light and suddenly, he's in front of her -- he's real. His silver hair, his ears, his red haori, those eyes of molten gold that stare up at her with nothing less than his very soul bared for her to see. Kagome observes such belonging in him, such love, and it completes her.'

my excuse to write some indulgent domestic inukag and explore their happy ending

Chapter 1 - mizpah

The day is grey.

Clouds rumble low and thick over the skyline, swallowing the tops of buildings in the distance and casting deep shadows across the shrine grounds. Kagome is supposed to go out today, a few friends asked her to grab lunch at some new bistro that's opened up near campus. She'd been contemplating how to work the impending downpour into an excuse to stay home, never really having the energy for much these days. Parsing out when to expend the limited energy she did have had become a constant chore since being cut off from --

A familiar pain twangs through her chest, the ache almost welcome. It's all she has left of him.

Maybe it's the rain, maybe its the gloom of the day pulling out the worst of her longing, but regardless she finds herself pushing silently out of her room, walking downstairs, slipping outside, and standing before the closed doors of the Bone Eater's well. Drawn back once again to what was stolen from her. Kagome had promised herself she'd stop doing this, stop torturing herself -- stop giving in to the inexplicable sorrow of living a life without him. But just like the other times, the temptation to let the true weight of her loss pour into the gaping hole in her soul and fill her to the brim, make her so heavy with it that she's brought to her knees, is a poison she's unable to resist. She does this more regularly than she knows is healthy, but its the only way Kagome feels whole anymore. If she's not drowning in loss then she's empty, and Kagome isn't sure which is worse. Without a word she shoulders the doors open and descends the rotting stairs.

The familiar musty smell of earth and something not quite alive but not quite dead hits her. Kagome's eyes water at the memories the scent yields. Before she can stop herself her fingers come up to caress the splintering lip of the ancient well. It feels...empty, same as it always does when she comes in here. The sensation is akin to a sense of hollowness, that the shaft of negative space that runs down the well's center is truly all that's left of the magic that used to come alive for her. A silent sob wrenches down her throat, rendering her vulnerable to the torrent of emotion that swells in her. She let's each gasping breath tear her open, tear out all that's left of her. A sick relief floods her as the sorrow emerges fully and, as always, she crumbles to her knees under the burden of it.

Inuyasha...

Just saying his name, even in the privacy of her own mind, tares something vital out of Kagome's core. She hopes he knows, hopes that despite it all he knows that she is still his in every way a person could be. Disassembled and broken as she is, Kagome offers her anguish to the well praying that if it wouldn't return her to him, then it could at least take her devotion instead.

Carry it to him, remind him he's loved...

For a moment she considers descending the well and curling up at the bottom of it, willing her feelings to reach him, but the thought of her mother finding her like that again...she couldn't bare it. Her mom had been so heartbroken, so overwhelmed with worry when she found Kagome lying at the bottom of the well, cheek pressed to the dirt and eyes seeping tears that wouldn't stop. She wouldn't do that to her again. With that thought Kagome tries to rally herself, to yank her heart away from the addicting agony of missing him and prepares to push her mind into the nothingness she utilizes to numb the pain. She had allowed herself this much and it had to be enough for now, anymore and she'd send herself into a deeply harmful depressive state.

Kagome closes her eyes and uses the well to help heave herself to stand, movements slow and body sore, feeling like her limbs are made of lead. Before she turns to leave, Kagome grips the well as fiercely as she can with both hands. A feeling of intensity overtakes her in that moment and she's unable to think of anything but:

Inuyasha, Kagome declares to the emptiness of the well, I want to see you.

What happens next astounds her. Fate smiles in glee as -- finally -- the threads of time align and pull taught. A gentle breeze smelling of sunshine and wildflowers drifts up to Kagome, it's warm fingers brushing tenderly through the hair that hangs in her face. Kagome's eyes open with an audible gasp. Her heart blossoms because there, lying at the bottom of the well, is a cerulean sky -- a few wispy clouds floating lazily by. The sound of birds singing echoes up to her and suddenly, the Bone Eater's well bursts to life. Kagome is embraced by the energy of the well like an old friend as it resurrects in silent sparkling splendor around her. It soaks into her skin, her soul, filling her with hope instead of sorrow. It's pure life, and it beckons to her with such surety that it breaks Kagome's heart.

"Kagome?"

Her mother's voice forces a sharp exhale out of Kagome, she hadn't realized she'd been holding her breath. Kagome can't look away from the impossible sky below her though, she's frozen in shock and wrestles with the possibility that this isn't a dream. She's had so many that happened just like this. Kagome...Kagome doesn't dare to hope...

"What's wrong?" Mrs. Higurashi asks as she makes her way down the stairs and comes to a stop behind Kagome, concern strangling the usual softness of her tone into an unsure waver.

"Mom," Is all Kagome is capable of saying, and it comes out in a hoarse terrified whisper.

Kagome hears her mother give a small gasp of disbelief, before Mrs. Higurashi steps up close beside her daughter and peers down the well too.

"The sky," Kagome hushes, still unable to fully accept what's happening but slowly becoming afraid that this will all be ripped from her. Again.

A gentle hand wraps around her shoulders and pulls Kagome back from the ledge. Kagome lets her mother do this, lets herself lean into her mother's warmth in the face of all this crushing possibility.

"Mom I," Are the shaky words Kagome tries to preface her departure with, not sure what to even say -- lost in how she's meant to articulate the avalanche of emotion she's feeling. Because even if this is a dream she can't bare to wait any longer, she needs to know if...if maybe the well heard her and is by some miracle answering her prayers.

Mrs. Higurashi turns Kagome around to face her, hands soft as they frame her daughter's shoulders.

"Kagome," Her mother says her name and it holds all the world in it, Kagome looks up and is immediately swept away by the love in her mom's eyes. Mrs. Higurashi smiles at her then -- kind eyes closing on tears that are beginning to fall, and Kagome nearly collapses, "I understand."

With a sob Kagome embraces her mother for the last time.

"Tell Sota and Grandpa that I love them," Kagome murmurs in a rush.

Her mother only squeezes her tighter and nods. They shake in each other's arms for another breath before both pulling away.

"I am so proud of you Kagome," Mrs. Higurashi says, voice trembling with emotion but warm, always so warm.

"I love you Mama," Kagome responds as tears begin to swell in her eyes.

"Give this to him for me," Her mother requests as she takes Kagome's face in her hands, and leans in close to press a searing kiss to her forehead.

"Oh Mama," Kagome weeps as her mother's love wraps around her heart and fills her with a kind of joy she hasn't felt in years.

Mrs. Higurashi leans back a little and uses her thumbs to wipe the wetness off of Kagome's cheeks.

"Tell him that I love him, that I've always seen him as a son, and that I am proud to have him be apart of our family."

Kagome deteriorates into a watery mess as the sentiments her mother just shared wash over her. Wordlessly, Mrs. Higurashi helps her daughter climb up onto the lip of the well before they simply stare for a moment, taking each other in one more time. Then her mother bestows her one last parting gift.

"Live Kagome," Her mom hushes, fierce happiness triumphant in her voice, as she releases her daughter's hands and watches as she turns to leap down the well, body disappearing from sight moments later.

Goodbye Mama, Kagome calls back as she sinks into time.

Kagome relishes the sensations traveling through the well give her -- a fierce nostalgia gripping her chest at the bursts of cobalt light, the galactic vastness watching her fall past, the light at the bottom of the well welcoming her home...

When she lands on solid ground a part of her fears so intensely that she's still in her time, that she refuses to open her eyes. What if she were to look up and see her mother staring down at her? Kagome hesitates for a moment, eyes closed, standing so still, terrified that this isn't real, and then something throbs in her chest --

She feels him, feels his youki hurtling towards her and suddenly, Kagome is no longer afraid.

Inuyasha!

Kagome opens her eyes and squints at the sky above her, the breeze she felt earlier encouraging her towards her future. She makes it about three fourths of the way up the well when she hears him. The pounding of his feet against the earth as he races closer, his aura a brilliant thriving thing that feels like the sun against her skin. Kagome smiles through tears of insurmountable joy as a shadow passes over her. She tilts her head back and finds a familiar silhouette bending over the ledge of the well. The figure is still for a moment, as if frozen in utter disbelief, before a clawed hand reaches down to her and with a shuttering exhale, Kagome takes it. Inuyasha hauls her up into the light and suddenly, he's in front of her -- he's real. His silver hair, his ears, his red haori, those eyes of molten gold that stare up at her with nothing less than his very soul bared for her to see. Kagome observes such belonging in him, such love, and it completes her.

"Inuyasha," She says his name, says it just for him, and he inhales, "I'm so sorry, were you waiting here for me?"

Inuyasha's expression shifts and Kagome gasps softly at the chaos he's trying to contain, but then he says her name. Says it just for her.

"Kagome."

A wet laugh escapes her lips at the sound of his voice, at how she used to long to hear him say her name, just like that.

"Inuyasha," Kagome murmurs again just because she can as her fingers play with the ends of his forelocks, eyes jumping all over his face trying to take in every part of him at once.

Unable to help herself, Kagome wraps both arms around his neck, relishing in the feel of his hair threading through her fingers, and presses her lips to his with a sigh. Inuyasha remains still for a moment, like his brain is one beat behind, before he clutches her to him so hard her lungs squeeze in her chest. Kagome doesn't care, in fact she doesn't feel like they're close enough. She wants to crawl her way into him and stay there forever, never to be separated again. The kiss feels like coming home, and it makes the part of her that sat empty for the past three years steadily fill. Inuyasha's lips are slightly chapped, she notes, and he kisses her like she's the only kind of devastation he'd willingly submit to. Impossibly, her love for him deepens further. Kagome pulls back with a gasp, trying to catch her breath as Inuyasha carefully sets her down on the ground, their lips brushing while the two of them tremble in the wake of such sweeping passion.

"Kagome," Inuyasha whispers her name again, like its the only word he knows, and dives back down to reclaim her lips.

She lets a soft noise shake loose from her chest when he tilts his head to deepen the kiss, his claws snagging on the material of her cardigan as he holds her close. Kagome feels a fang nip at her lower lip and, smiling into the kiss, she happily opens up for him. When their tongues meet, Inuyasha's hands raise to cup both sides of her jaw, mindful of his claws near such delicate skin. With something between a groan and a growl, he breaks their kiss to turn her head to the side, smoothing one reverent hand down the exposed length of her neck. Her heart beat picks up when in one long inhale, Inuyasha traces his nose in a steady line from her collarbone up to the patch of skin just below her ear. He makes a tender noise then, nearly a whine, and without preamble presses his face firmly into the arch of her neck, taking deep unhurried breaths through his nose. Kagome leaves one hand wrapped around the bulk of his shoulders, but brings the other one up to hold the back of his head in place against her. One of his ears flicks against her cheek and in a moment of raw delight, a giggle bubbles up from her throat as does a fresh wave of tears. Inuyasha flattens the offending ear against his skull but Kagome remains undeterred and drops a sweet kiss on to the delicate appendage, the soft fur tickling her lips a little. She holds him even closer as he melts against her at the intimate display of affection.

Oh kami she'd missed him so much.

"Kagome!"

It takes a second for the two of them to come back down to earth, but the call of Shippo's voice encourages Kagome to turn towards the sound of approaching footsteps. Inuyasha makes a firm noise against the skin of her neck -- a warning, like he wasn't ready to let her go yet. He tenses when she ignores him and stiffens even further as Shippo continues to barrel closer. In the span of a heartbeat Inuyasha has Kagome behind him and lets a true growl rip from his throat. Kagome startles against his back, realizing belatedly that he'd just threatened Shippo.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome's words come out sounding like an odd mix of admonishment and worry.

Shippo looks genuinely shocked at being challenged with such a territorial threat display, having slid to an abrupt halt at Inuyasha's feet. Inuyasha comes back to himself after a few beats, brain catching up with his instincts, and his aggression falters.

"Slowly," Inuyasha grinds out as he steps to the side to allow Kagome to come forward, working furiously to relax his muscles.

Respecting Inuyasha's warning, Shippo moves very carefully towards Kagome, though he only manages to take two steps before Kagome is crashing to her knees and hauling him into her arms.

"Shippo!" She cries and Shippo immediately starts bawling.

The young kitsune grabs tuffs of her hair in his tiny fists and smashes his face into her neck, repeating her name over and over again unable to help himself. Inuyasha stiffens again at this, but grits his teeth against the instinct to tear the runt clean out of Kagome's arms. She wouldn't like that, and honestly neither would Inuyasha, he knows how much Kagome means to Shippo.

What's wrong with me?

"You, you made it back!" Sango bursts as her and Miroku catch up and come to a stop a few feet in front of them, kids in tow.

"It's been much too long Kagome!" Miroku calls in absolute astonishment.

"Miroku, Sango!" Kagome all but weeps as she rises from the ground, Shippo still held tight in her arms, and rushes to embrace them.

Inuyasha feels that angry tug in his gut again at the idea of so many scents polluting Kagome's skin so soon after getting her back, but the larger part of him can only smile as he watches his woman hug Sango then Miroku -- mindful of the kids in their arms and murmuring little 'hello's to them as well. He can smell the depth of their rapture as they all rejoice Kagome's return. It puts Inuyasha's heart into a state of profound contentment, and he realizes then that he's never felt this way before. Who knew anticipation could be a good feeling? Because damn was he ready to experience every single tomorrow with Kagome by his side.

The rest of the afternoon is spent celebrating. Kagome reunites with Kaede, the elder priestess nearly speechless with elation at seeing Kagome push aside the noren of her hut. To Kagome's surprise Rin is also there, the young girl delighted by Kagome's return as well, and hadn't hesitated to gush about how lonely Inuyasha was without her. Inuyasha had only shrugged at this, not denying it but still sent a betrayed glare Rin's way as color rose high on his cheeks. Kagome is welcomed back by the people of the village too, townsfolk she'd gotten to know during her time collecting jewel shards being especially pleased to see her, though they knew not where she'd gone. Kagome and Inuyasha stuck to each other like glue through it all, unwilling to part for even a moment. No one blamed them.

At one point Kagome started to panic because she had to pee of all things, and the thought of loosing sight of her hanyou if only for a minute terrified her. The fear that this was a dream kept gnawing at her, and the possibility that this could all be taken away at any moment made Kagome feel physically ill. She'd held it in as long as she could before walking nearly knock-kneed to relieve herself. It turned out Kagome needn't have worried at all because without a word Inuyasha had followed her, giving her true privacy for only as long as it took to empty her bladder before he was within her sights again. Kagome had blushed furiously when it occurred to her that him being so close while she used the bathroom probably meant that he could...smell it. When she tried to shoo him away he only stared at her, firmly shaking his head no once, and waited. After Kagome had finished she'd made her way back over to Inuyasha, feeling incredibly sheepish about the whole situation. The moment she was close enough though he'd pulled her into a desperate hug and whispered,

"Please bare with me Kagome, I-I can't..." He'd trailed off but Kagome was already hugging him back, refusing to let go. She understood.

They shared a grand feast with Sango and Miroku that evening, Kagome using the time to properly acquaint herself with their children. Shippo sat in her lap for most of the meal, and its as she stared at her friends -- her family, that Kagome realized that she'd been given something truly precious and everything in her vowed to never let it go. This was more than she could have ever hoped for, and the fear that this was temporary strangled her multiple times throughout the reunion. But Inuyasha was always right there beside her, and having him close ended up being the only way to ease the worst of her anxiety. After everyone finished their food and caught up on each other's lives as much as they could in one sitting (the serious questions being left for tomorrow), the pair said their goodbyes for the night. Shippo had fought to retire with Inuyasha and Kagome, but was stilled by Miroku's hand on his small shoulder. Kagome embraced Shippo before delivering a soft peck to his cheek, letting him nuzzle back for a beat or two more before promising to come back first thing in the morning.

Now Kagome and her hanyou are getting settled in a hut the villagers had built for Inuyasha that's set on the outskirts of the village. It's quite obvious to Kagome from the state of the place that Inuyasha hardly uses it, though she knows how lonely he gets by himself and she figures he probably spends most of his time with Sango and Miroku who live more centrally to the village. Inuyasha's hut is mounted at the peak of a sloping hill, the tallest in the surrounding area besides the shrine itself. At first she wondered if the villagers meant to ostracize Inuyasha by putting his hut so far from everyone else's, but as they reach the hill's zenith, she realizes it isn't a sign of disrespect but quite the opposite. The vista from his home has views of the entire village and even overlooks a decent portion of the forest. On the opposite side of the hut, miles of stunning countryside sprawls under the hazy light of the setting sun all the way to the horizon. Inuyasha would be able to spot danger days before it arrived, or gain minutes to whole hours of advantage if the threat was a youkai. The villagers aren't keeping him at a distance, they're treating him like their Lord, giving him the highest ground, the most control over the land -- trusting that he will use it to protect them. It makes Kagome's heart clench with raging pride.

"It's beautiful," Kagome finds herself murmuring as they stand side by side overlooking the village together, the wind shifting their hair about their shoulders.

"Yeah," Inuyasha says, sounding distracted.

His tone makes Kagome shift her gaze over to him but she finds that he's already staring at her. Before he would have turned away with a blush and started spouting some blistering nonsense in order to cover up the fact that he'd been caught, but now he lets himself look. It makes something in Kagome's lower stomach go tight. They take each other in for what feels like a bracketed infinity, the moment sacred somehow, and neither of them are willing to break it. Inuyasha takes a step closer and reaches his clawed hands down to gently collect her smaller ones. He brings her hands up to his chest, cradling them there, not once looking away from Kagome's eyes.

"I promise I'll protect you with my life." Inuyasha declares, his voice low and quiet and meant only for her.

Kagome takes an uneven inhale and her heart skips a beat as she realizes he's repeating the same vow he gave to her in her room the night her family was away at the hot springs all those years ago. It hits her then how utterly hers Inuyasha is, how devoted to her he was in the past and how he has remained that way since. It's his way of telling her nothing has changed. Inuyasha watches this epiphany play out on Kagome's face and his expression softens around the steadiness of his gaze.

"I will allow nothing to take you from me again, and I will never leave your side."

Shuddering in the wake of his oath, Kagome shuffles closer to him and finally says what she's always regretted never telling him directly.

"I love you Inuyasha," She watches as his pupils drag wide at her confession, "You will always have me, and I will happily spend the rest of my life with you to prove that."

Inuyasha slowly lowers his head until their foreheads touch through the hair of their bangs, his eyes closing as he takes a deep breath in through his nose. Kagome feels a wave of peace come over her then that she finds she's quite content to drown in. She stays like that with him for another moment before pulling away just enough to catch his eye.

"My mother," Kagome hushes and Inuyasha instantly stills, "She asked me to give this to you."

Exactly as her mom did, Kagome extracts her hands from Inuyasha's and reaches for his face, fingers tender as they slide against the warm skin of his jaw. Panic flits across Inuyasha's features then, startled at being handled like he was something precious, and realizing he's horrifically unprepared for whatever is about to come next. Kagome's smile is nothing but fond as she tilts his head down enough so that she's able to lean in and deliver her mother's kiss to his forehead. Inuyasha's hands come up to wrap around her forearms, not to move her away but, Kagome suspects, just to have something to hold on to. His ears flatten under the gravity of the gesture. Kagome closes her eyes and remains there for another beat, before pulling away and lifting his face back up only to touch the tip of her nose to his.

"She also wanted me to tell you that she loves you," She murmurs.

Inuyasha releases a wet sounding exhale and attempts to move away -- overwhelmed by the rawness of all of this, but Kagome holds his face firm and presses on, wanting desperately for him to hear the rest because he deserves to know.

"She said she has always seen you as a son, and is proud to consider you family."

"Kagome," Inuyasha begs, his voice a wobbling mess as he nuzzles closer in defeat, unable to stand the depth of Mrs. Higurashi's gift to him.

After a long moment of them just breathing, he shifts his head and quietly slots their lips together. He releases his grip on her forearms so he can snake his arms around her middle, hands wrapping as far across her back as possible, before pulling her flush against him. Inuyasha keeps the kiss chaste -- utterly humbled. Kagome can only imagine what this must mean to him, and she hazards her mother must have known too.

They stay joined under the warm evening sky as the stars begin to shine through dusk's heavy golden canopy. The sun finally sinks all the way under the horizon, having delayed itself in order to cast as much light as possible onto the pair standing atop the hill -- presenting fate's masterful work to the heavens. A sudden gust of wind picks up around them, and it causes the two to sway a little. Hands clutching tight, lips molding softly, and hair floating around their heads as if submerged in deep water, they know nothing in that moment except each other.

Somewhere far beyond this world, a priestess -- no, an ordinary woman, looks down on Inuyasha and Kagome and smiles.

Kagome arranges the light summer quilt Sango lent her over the futon set in the back corner of Inuyasha's hut. She would have to do something (many somethings) in order to make this place livable. A shy glee erupts in her chest at the thought of decorating it, organizing a home for both her and Inuyasha to live in felt surreal to consider even in her own head. She used to daydream about this kind of thing, the fact that she finally gets to fulfill her fantasy -- that it's her life now, takes her breath away.

"Inuyasha?" She calls once she's finished fussing with the quilt, folding one corner down, ready to get into bed.

The hut is dark, the night outside is still, and the fireplace remains unlit so they don't overheat. Kagome tries to swallow the fear cloying up her throat. Ever since she spent a small eternity trapped in endless darkness with the Jewel of Four Souls, she finds she can no longer stand to be alone in the dark. Back in her time, it had to be either her mom, Sota, or Buyo sleeping beside her each night or she wouldn't be able to get any rest at best, and at worst she would descend into an anxiety attack. It wasn't until her grandfather had suggested installing a night light that she was finally able to brave the long nights alone, though she still prefers to have a warm body to cuddle. It was in moments like those that she'd longed for Shippo the most. Once she'd been able to sleep on her own she had the nightmares to contend with, and those always left her feeling as close to true panic as she'd felt when facing Naraku. There are no night lights in the Feudal Era, but Kagome figures she'll be okay as long as she has Inuyasha with her.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome says again, this time unable to keep the quiver of fear out of her voice.

In an instant she feels a rush of air hit her as he drops to a crouch beside her, like he'd bolted to her from across the room.

"Kagome? What's wrong?"

She melts into him and he accepts her weight against his chest easily, strong arms shifting forward to box her in.

"Where were you?" Kagome hopes she doesn't sound as small as she feels.

Inuyasha stills against her for a beat before wrapping his arms around her completely, securing her in his embrace. Kagome accepts this improvement with a grateful sigh.

"Just checking the window." He pauses, then very carefully, asks, "Is...are you alright?"

He sounds worried, crap.

Kagome feels a stab of guilt for freaking him out.

"I'm fine," Kagome assures quickly, "Just, um, I-I'm ready for bed."

Cringing internally, Kagome wonders if that was convincing enough. With that sharp nose of his, she hopes he doesn't pick up on her lingering (but quickly diminishing) fear. How on earth could she convince him to sleep on the futon with her? Surely he won't object? Not after everything that happened between them today?

"Okay, well, I'll uh see you in the morning then," Inuyasha stutters as he begins to untangle himself from her and pull away --

Kagome's panic skyrockets, and before she can say or do anything, Inuyasha must smell the spike in her fear because he immediately winds himself back around her body.

"Woah hey," He hushes, becoming even more alarmed as Kagome all but crawls into his lap.

"I-I can't be alone, at night," Kagome struggles to explain as she takes shelter in his renewed embrace, "The darkness it --,"

She cuts herself off when she feels Inuyasha pillow his cheek against the soft hair at the top of her head.

"I'll hold you till you fall asleep then," He promises in a soft voice, as soft as she's ever heard him speak.

She can feel his words vibrate through his chest, and it calms her nerves some. Kagome wants to argue, wants to push for more -- sleep beside me, hold me all night -- but she doesn't. He doesn't seem to want that, even after promising her he'd never leave her side. Kagome's anxiety gets the better of her and it seals her lips shut. She settles in the circle of his arms and is resolved to be satisfied with this, at least for now, knowing she's much too shaken to negotiate with him tonight. Kagome knows without a shadow of a doubt that she'll wake up the moment he sets her down on the futon, but she doesn't tell him that. Hopefully she can fake being asleep well enough to fool his hanyou senses, and hopefully the knowledge that he's nearby will be enough to stop her from having a full blown episode. If she can hang on till the early hours of the morning, maybe the fragile rays of first light will be enough to cling to. Kagome can admit to herself that she won't be able to maintain this routine for long, but she hopes it lasts until she's plucked up the courage to ask Inuyasha, point blank and without room for misinterpretation, to share her bed.

Inuyasha knew he wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight, no way would he risk making Kagome vulnerable to any kind of attack so soon after getting her back. His instincts wouldn't have allowed for any other course of action, and on this front Inuyasha is in rare agreement with his youkai half. But he doesn't expect Kagome to share the same determination. He'd panicked earlier when he smelled how fast and how sharply her fear had spiked. Inuyasha vowed to himself at that moment to never allow her to feel that way in his presence again, not if he could help it. She had held on to him so fiercely, and still is even after hours of being in the safety of his arms. Its like she's afraid he'll leave again. This knowledge makes something in his chest shatter and his gut ache. Unable to stop himself, he rubs his cheek where it rests against the top of her head and takes a deep inhale, letting her scent soothe him. Each time he hears her heartbeat slow and she starts to drift off, he waits a few minutes before trying to lay her down on the futon. Without fail though she's yanked back from sleep every time, as if his touch is vital in order for her to rest. A part of him relishes in this level of dependency on him, his youkai half preening at the fact that his mate --

Inuyasha grunts and stands, unwilling to entertain any thoughts about that, and makes his way swiftly out of the hut and into the mild night. He's careful not to jostle Kagome in his arms too much as he lowers into a measured crouch, and launches himself into the air towards the roof. Landing effortlessly on the balls of his feet, Inuyasha pauses as Kagome sighs in her sleep and twists her fists tighter into the material of his han-juban. Inuyasha blushes to himself thinking about how he had all but tripped out of the hut earlier when Kagome started changing out of her day clothes and into a yukata Sango had lent her in front of him.

With a firm shake of his head he banishes that particular train of thought from his mind, and lowers himself down to sit on the angled roof. After a minute of cautious shifting, he gives up and lies flat on his back, arranging Kagome's sleep-pliant body so she's tucked snuggly between his arm and his side. He tells himself this is different than sleeping on the futon with her, that this isn't breaking any 'rules of propriety' Kagome used to always yell at him about.

Screw it, he thinks, if I get sat for this in the morning it will have been worth it.

Inuyasha tries not to think about how much he sounded like Miroku just now, and grumbles under his breath about stupid delinquent monks and confusing female sensibilities.

The stars are a dizzying pattern above him, the moon is a sliver in the sky, and Kagome is curled safely into his side with her cheek squished against his chest while one of her leanly muscled arms has thrown itself securely across his waist -- Inuyasha couldn't feel more at peace if he tried. Everything is as it should be. He hasn't felt rightness like this since...well, since Kagome left three years ago. A cool evening breeze floats over them then, shooing away the insistent press of the summer heat, and kisses their temples before moving on. Inuyasha lazily picks apart the different scents the wind carried -- sap from the trees in the forest, ash from the chimneys in the village, wet earth from the banks of the nearby river...he lets it all wash over him, one sensation at a time. He remembers Kagome caught him doing this once years ago, and when she'd asked him about it he'd told her it was kind of like how humans count sheep when trying to fall asleep. A self-soothing exercise is what she concluded it was similar too. Inuyasha didn't elaborate that the habit was an old one he'd developed during his childhood. Back when he was too weak to fight any of the youkai that hunted him, he'd find somewhere to hide and rock himself in time with his breaths, carefully combing through the scents in the air until he was sure the threat had passed. There had been a brief pause before Kagome asked what he could smell, no judgment or disgust, just innocent curiosity and a hint of fascination simmering in the umber of her eyes. No one had ever asked him about his sense of smell like that before. Inuyasha's heart had clenched in his chest, and it does so now as the memory unfolds before him only this time without the promise of pain. Reliving cherished moments of his time with Kagome used to only bring him anguish, but now...

Inuyasha turns his face into Kagome's hairline that's level with his nose, flares his nostrils, and proceeds to take a sleepy inhale. Her scent shoots straight up into his head and a sensation that feels bizarrely like dizziness makes his skull feel light, and his mind feel like its floating. Inuyasha attempts to turn away once the moment passes, but his body refuses to comply. Instead, before he really knows what he's doing, Inuyasha finds himself nosing down her forehead, over the bridge of her nose, past her slightly parted lips, and under her jaw. Kagome mutters something unintelligible in her sleep in response to all of his tender nudging (Inuyasha resolutely ignores the way it makes all of his insides go soft), but ultimately allows her chin to be directed up, exposing her neck to him. Something in Inuyasha flares hot at the action, and he's instantly compelled to guide his nose into the notch of skin between her neck and her jaw. This is what he'd been searching for.

Safe, something inhuman in his head rumbles, only here is safe.

Inuyasha couldn't agree more, Kagome had always been ineffable to him. He had known Kagome by her scent before he'd known her by her features, it's what first caught his attention when Kikyo's spell keeping him pinned to Goshinboku started to falter. Inuyasha hadn't realized it then, but he'd belonged to Kagome the moment she'd told him her name. Inuyasha smiles like a complete love-struck idiot as he remembers the way she had puffed out her chest and demanded that he say her name right.

Ka - Go - Me!

He allows himself to continue grinning like a fool against the skin of her neck because no one's around to mock him for it, and because it feels good to be happy. He's happy --

"Inuyasha..." Kagome suddenly hums, his name on her lips the sweetest thing he'll ever hear.

Inuyasha pulls his face back just far enough to take in her expression, and something glorious surges in him when he finds that she's smiling in her sleep.

Phew that was hella soft lol, lemme know what you thought down in the comments below if you'd like! I embellished certain moments a little bit to make them more dramatic bc i couldn't help myself, i hope you didn't mind! Tbh it felt so good to write inukag, like im not gonna lie, I grew up watching the show and it feels a little like coming home to get into these characters' heads. Ok I'm gonna go continue my re-watch of the show now xxx

Masterlist

#Every Tomorrow #thejamesoldier #my writing #inuyasha x kagome #inukag #inukag fanfic #inukag fic #inukag fluff #inukag smut #inuyasha #kagome #kagome higurashi #domestic bliss #inuyasha fanfiction #inuyasha fanfic

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pizzahutchan124 · 3 years

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Do you see this pic? I Took it on the 3rd of April to show that I've been saving money since last year. I only recently cashed that in two weeks from today. It came out to $106 subtotal.

I would've updated abour this earlier but.... truth be told I'm dipping my toes into plenty of lakes, rivers, ponds and oceans with seemingly little to show for it at the moment. I'm running an art blog now, and I'm building both a financial and artistic portfolio. I'm getting tons of leads on job opportunities in both social services and backstage tech work, which means I gotta revise my resume to fit the position titles as well as follow up with the respective hiring staff. My extended family is always checking up on me, making sure me and the folks I live with are ok (they're all sweet like that.) Ultimately I would like to craft and create more art, whether that be in writing, yarn crafting, sewing, woodworking or experimenting with traditional and digital drawing. Of course, that means I have to renovate my space so that it flows with a creative and productive atmosphere while maintaining a cozy yet friendly living environment for me and my loved ones.

You dunno what that means? Yea, neither do I. I'm figuring it out as I go, but it gets hard when the people closest to you want results NOW. NOW NOW NOW. Otherwise you're a fookin lazy good-fer-nothing, haha. I got so many irons on the fire right now it's not even funny....

On top of all of that, I dont know what to do with this blog. Ive been doing research here & there and the people in the big leagues say that you gotta stick with ONE topic and/or interest so that not only your blog remains consistent, but your followers know what to expect from you thus remaining engaged on your platform. That's some quality advice for growing a wider audience, but heres the thing- I can't be asked to just dwindle down my posts towards a single topic. Maybe that worked for my ancestors in the past but I'm lucky enough to live in a First world country that encourages free thinking provided that it doesnt limit anyone elses liberties. This is a space where I can explore multiple options, opinions, pathways and idealogies, even the shitty ones if I were as bold as I used to be. In short .....

I AM A MULTI-FACETED HUMAN BEEEEEEEAN.

I used to be a self proclaimed potato; however, things change with time. So do people- we become remixes of what we used to be. Sometimes we become better people for it. Sometimes we don't. And that's ok, so long as we're honest with ourselves about what we're doing to hinder our progress in this lifetime. I think I'm making strides in being more reflective and introspective in that aspect.

Im not sure what this means for the long term future of this blog. I originally made this during a time in my life when the internet was filled with opportunity and promises of a better life. Since then I've become more aware of how the world works and thereby more cynical to the beliefs I once held as a 16 y/o 𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼𝓮 𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓱𝓾𝓼𝓲𝓪𝓼𝓽. I'll just continue to post things that are informative to my needs and likes and hope that it'll reach the people it's meant for. Unfortunately that means I gotta work on trimming the fat on this blog. I've made side blogs for this reason, but havent gotten around to utilizing them. That's gonna be a big project for me at some point down the line. Only God knows when I'll get around to it.

Here they are if you wanna browse through them-

a Blog filled with master posts, references and tutorials on stuff

another blog filled with fanart from some amazing folks

Based on the actions I'm currently taking, I can see myself absolutely vibing within the next 5 years.

You can expect me to reblog posts on my main fandoms (mainly yugioh, pokémon and hazbin hotel/helluva boss), commentary on our society at large (uh oh, OPINIONS 😱 so scary), theories and lore based on the fandom(s) I'm in. Ngl I also become enamored with 2d characters from time to time so perhaps I'll get around to making character analysis posts. That's a big MAYBE tho. I'll also post about Cooking, economics, Psychology, personality archetypes and certain spiritual concepts like feng shui, the different kinds of astrology, mythos from different religions (Buddhism, Catholicism, etc), productivity and/or life hacks. I'm also a slut for tropes, Hence the #Tropes tag I made 😁

And finally, I will be making more original content irregularly from when "the motivation strikes me" to "when I feel my ideas/drawing/writings/musings aren't complete hot dog water."

See you in the next post maybe

#Sundae Stories #creative problems #rant #vent #Portfolio #Investment #renovations #Fandom #tutorials #References #life #time management #Scheduling #Writing problems #Artist problems

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littlelovelymemes · 6 years

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Like…really hates them in an oddly personal way? Do you think they know? ’ ‘ and the final mood for 2017 is: you know those days where you’re like, this might as well happen? ’ ‘ putting more importance into self care, spirituality, love and peace of mind. start with stretching and deep breathing. ’ ‘ dont forget to tell someone you love that you love them, thank people who deserve to be thanked, be more patient on people having a hard time, be more considerate, understanding, and be kinder, always. ’ ‘ do you think in the 1700s there were people who were like nah man Mozart’s a total sellout I only listen to peasants beating things with sticks it’s way more authentic ’ ‘ 2032 is gonna be my year just u wait ’ ‘ I want a “I made a playlist for you” typa love ’ ‘ @ 2018 the bar is literally so low ’ ‘ Just because you don’t look like somebody who you think is attractive doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive. Flowers are pretty, but so are sunsets and they look nothing alike. ’ ‘ i have a “why am i like this” moment at least five times a day ’ ‘ very sad to hear about donald trump. nothing happened to him i’m just sad to hear about him ’ ‘ *me, eyes wide open at 3am* what happened to chandler bing once he got to yemen ’ ‘ tonight’s mood is the deep desire to be held close in a dimly lit room, covered in blankets while rain is softly falling outside ’ ‘ do ya ever bring your pet up to a mirror and ur like “that you” ’ ‘ i guess im just too fucking dumb to lucid dream. cant ever realize im in a dream, i’ll look around me like damn i’m in my old elementary school and my teeth are falling out and im naked? well shit guess this is my life now. got fooled by my subconscious again lads ’ ‘ u ever get no sleep and the next day ur body functions like the tumblr app ’ ‘ you ever wonder how many people you’re in the “we’re friends but i would kiss you if you asked” club with ’ ‘ is anyone else just going through life like “yeah i just gotta get past this last difficult week and then it’s smooth sailing from there!” but like… every week ’ ‘ The only thing toxic that you should still be in contact with is that song Britney Spears made, because that song is lit. ’ ‘ imagine if you named your kid dad. just dad. ’ ‘ take care of yourself, please. i don’t know what id do if anything happened to you. ’ ‘ crazy how personal growth can make you let go of people you swore you couldn’t live without. ’ ‘ im in no position to have high standards but it doesn’t stop me ’ ‘ you can start over at anytime. your day is not ruined. your world is not over. take a deep breath. start over. ’ ‘ I’m gonna have a bomb ass life and I know it cause I’ve suffered so much and I know that wasn’t for no reason ’ ‘ you ever just get in bed and ur like yep this is where i’m meant to be ’ ‘ an unstoppable force (my love of books) meets an unmovable object (my lack of a desire to actually read anything) ’ ‘ i just have this persistent feeling of “i’m not doing enough” combined with “i don’t have the energy to do anything” and it just really fucking sucks ’ ‘ sorry I haven’t replied to ur texts I’ve been overwhelmed by literally anything that’s ever happened or will happen ’ ‘ me when i see a wild animal in a metropolitan area: reclaim your space, we are the invaders, retake what is yours ’ ‘ no offense but money would solve literally every single one of my problems. like all of them. i dont have a single problem that money wouldnt immediately solve ’ ‘ i am not enough and it’s eating me alive ’ ‘ what do u mean “what have i been up to” … i’m out here ruining my own life as always bitch ’ ‘ always remember that love will always come back to u. in a different form, different person, different hobby, different touch. but in any way, love will always come back. ’ ‘ The struggle between me wanting to be successful and me wanting to lay in bed 24/7 ’ ‘ If you play “Feeling Myself” by Nicki Minaj and Beyoncé at exactly 11:58:50 pm on New Year’s Eve, Beyoncé will say “World Stop” in 2017 and “Carry On” in 2018. ’ ‘ Self care is putting absurd amounts of parmesan cheese on your pasta ’ ‘ you ever just like “wow that’s my voice? people listen to this clown on a daily basis?” ’ ‘ ravioli ravioli give me a reason to live ’ ‘ finally worked up the courage to tell the starbucks girl she was beautiful and i only puked twice ’ ‘ do i wanna know??? no. but thank u monkey friends ’ ‘ hey this is kinda ns.fw but i wann h*ld your h*nd ’ ‘ talent: overthinking ’ ‘ have you ever had that feeling that you really wanna workout to get a flat stomach… but you also just wanna eat pizza and watch netflix. ’ ‘ if you google eyebrows are you eyebrowsing ’ ‘ *skips tutorial* how the fuck do you play this game ’ ‘ Literally heard a convo at the library where a guy was telling a girl that he’s an omega and the girl telling him that she’s a beta, and my mind just did not automatically connect the context to fraternity pledge classes at all and I just whispered to myself “what the fuck?? 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#rp meme #ask meme #sentence starters #inbox meme #indie rp #rp ask meme #rp sentence meme #askbox meme #rp ask box meme #inbox memes #rp inbox meme #inbox starters #rp sentence starters #sentence starter meme

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diaryofsecrecy · 3 years

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It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea. Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER. They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years, And on drugs. She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out. We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world, Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔

#latenite #life #struggle #deep thinking #bad choices #misunderstood #deardiary #confessions

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baek--honey · 7 years

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1-50 bitch

well since u asked nicely how could i resist

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? paint/draw or the like, or knit maybe,

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you own/owned? MY HOT MOMS SHIRT THAT I LOST ;n; also the big grey hoodie i have & a pierce the veil shirt i borrowed from my gf that im never giving back :)

4. How often do you play sports? never

5. What fictional place would you most like to go to? The Digital World

6. What job would you be terrible at? probably anything involving extensive memorizing and maintaining information for long periods of time. so basically a lot of things…… or maybe like. working at starbucks cos i cant make coffee OR remember lots of drink recipes omg

7. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning a medal for? playing kingdom hearts 2 on easy mode. i would have a good chance at winning because all the people that are good at playing kingdom hearts are gaming elitists that think playing on easy is for losers and if you dont play on critical mode you arent a real gamer :)

8. What skill would you like to master? making an omelet OR knitting

10. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? some out of town adventure with my girlfriend where money and time dont matter

11. If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would you change and why? uh i’d like to be less haunted by my traumatic past maybe! or be a few inches taller that would be cool i feel like both of these are pretty self explanatory

12. What’s your favorite drink? W A T E R or milk tea

13. What do you consider to be your best find? my girlfriend

14. Are you usually early or late? way too early. too mcuh time i dont know what to do with it

15. What pets did you have while growing up? hm lets see i had a couple turtles, some fish, i had a gerbil that i got from a friend, an african grey named solomon, boston terrier named Tiny, two white boxers named Floyd & Lloyd, a mix named Macy, 4 chihuhuas named Dude, Pooty, Flout & Chief, and now we have a cat named Schrödinger :~), oh and an amstaff/dalmation mix named EL

16. When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with? anything and everything but never really asking for advice i guess? its more of them talking about a problem cos im easy to talk to and then me trying to help them come up to a solution if they need it

17. What takes up too much of your time? S L E E P I N G

18. What do you wish you knew more about? cats!!!! also dogs cos i know a lot but i want to know more

19. What would be your first question after waking up from being cryogenically frozen for 100 years? why am i still alive?

21. Who’s your go-to band or artist when you can’t decide on something to listen to? seventeen or monsta x, exo’s LMR repackaged album

22. What shows are you into? the office, lost, honestly nothing thats still running on tv, i havent watched a show in forever, oh god wait does anime count cos i could write the longest list of anime i love: haikyuu, nge, digimon, noragami ,,,,,,

23. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? Seventeen (Hangul: 세븐틴), also stylized as SEVENTEEN or SVT, is a South Korean boy group formed by Pledis Entertainment in 2015. The group consists of thirteen members divided into three sub-units,

24. What age do you wish you could permanently be? a dog mom & i hope i can make that wish come true

25. What would be your ideal way to spend the weekend? napping on and off in bed with my girlfriend and then going to town for sushi & milk tea and then uhhhhhhhhhhh coming back home to nap some more and then go out for noodles for another date :} oh and a dog would be involved if possible because cuddling dogs is best

26. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? physically writing and sending cards/letters in the mail i guess? i dont know if that really counts as doing something the old fashioned way but i definitely dont get as many cards or anything in the mail anymore. i also like to keep physical hand written to-do lists & schedules and stuff

27. What have you only recently formed an opinion on? how bad exo are at dancing turtlenecks and scarves. they are good

28. What’s the single best day on the calendar? october 10th my dogs birthday and also narutos birthday

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of? asmr???

30. What is the most annoying question that people ask you? “did u have a little lamb?” OR when my grandpa asks me anything about his iphone

31. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on without absolutely no preparation? my dogs or seventeen. OR a half ass presentation about kingdom hearts, trying to explain it while getting around all the plot holes and not nailing down my arguments cos i dont really get it either and theres a lot i dont pay attention to but i could come up with 40 mins of info im sure

32. If you were a dictator of a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do? no waking until 10am. no crime or anything will be allowed ill figure out some way to make everything perfect so women can go out alone at night and not be afraid. no discrimination !! all the poc, lgbt, disabled, any minority will be welcome and have safe spaces and any hate will be punished by law. also everyones allowed to have pets in their homes and no home goes without food or power. am i doing this right

33. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? travel out of your comfort zone. like physically travel somewhere and make the most of it but do it with someone cos the buddy system is important

34. What’s worth spending more on to get the best? jackets. i will pay up to 100$ for a good jacket and wear it forever cos itll be confirmed long-lasting and also most likely very comfortable!!!

35. What is something that a ton of people are obsessed with but you just don’t get the point of? i just want to point out that its not that i dont get the point of it because everyone has their likes and i have my own that other people dont i like that people are into whatever they want to be its just that i am Not into it. and that thing is yuri on ice

36. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years? being able to wake up every morning next to my girlfriend and out pets :~)

37. Where is the most interesting place you’ve been? corning museum of glass was super neat……. , dollywood, gatlinburg, chicago chinatown, idk i havent been to many interesting places

38. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but just haven’t gotten around to? i wana get a tattoo !!!!!!!!

39. What’s the best thing that happened to you last week? getting a job interview at barnes & noble because now i have a job there!!!

40. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind so that you could experience it for the first time again? diamond edge chicago

41. If all jobs had the same pay and hours, what job would you like to have? all i really want is that job where im paid to sleep

42. How different was your life one year ago? tbh not that much different?? other than i was in school and now im not. i didnt have a job and now i do. i was a year further away from moving

43. What’s the best way to start the day? talking to my girlfriend and also let me just say that first pee in the morning. perfect

44. What quirks do you have? what are quirks exactly i looked up examples to help me think of some but all im thinking of is…i cant have the volume on my tv or radio on an even number it has to be on an odd number??? i have to sleep with a fan on. idk dude

45. What would you rate 10/10? [MV] 몬스타엑스 (MONSTA X) _ 걸어 (ALL IN)

46. What kind of art do you enjoy most? abstract w lots of colors and shapes. geometric stuff

47. What do you hope never changes? my ability to collect myself (unless it gets better which then i hope it does), my passion for art of any sort

48. What city would you most like to live in? anywhere except charleston and somewhere thats not extremely highly populated

49. What movie title best describes your life? Scooby Doo 2 - Monsters Unleashed

50. What’s the best way a person can spend their time? sleeping or hanging out with their pet

#i like how the all in mv is a link #t #thanks for ur time

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our-lovely-universe · 7 years

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All of the even numbers!!! (for the ask gamE)

2. whats your “type”- I love any girl who can make me laugh but other than that I dont have a specific type. Just whoever I feel a connection with.

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?- I defintley want to adopt but I also like the idea being pregnant at least once so me and my partner would be able to have that experience.

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)- I am still a virgin lol

8. opinion on nap dates?- LOVE THEM!!! I love naps so if my girls next to me then it's even better! even if it's long distance i love to fall asleep on skype so you feel like your with them.

10. dog gay or cat gay? BOTH! lol I want tons of dogs and cats

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone?- someone negative and judgemental and someone who doesn't understand sarcasm (cause I am constantly sarcastic)

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self?- Quit worrying what people think about you because their opinions won't matter in the end. also stop worrying if that boy likes you, cause you won't like him in a couple years haha.

16. who is an ex you regret?-Definitley my last straight relationship, I wasted so much time on him and he was so not worth it.

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for- Probably Osric Chau, that boy is so adorable!!

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)- Definltey darry!!!

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?- constantly! I am always asking girls out who turn out straight. it's a struggle!

24. have you ever been heartbroken? no, I have only been in one serious relationship and I ended it with them and didn't regret it at all.

26. favourite lgb musician/band- LP. her music is so good and she is so HOT!

28. are you out? if so how did you come out- Yes I am and idk it was differnt for didn't people. I just kind of started mention it really casually.

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality?- I know what it's like to have to hide and the best thing I did was find lgbt groups in my community and confide in those people. and just stay strong because it will get better one day I promise! Also if anyone personally needs someone to talk to, my ask are always a safe space and open to everyone!

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nodaudaboutitt · 7 years

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for the get to know the blogger thing: even numbers in the 130 range

OH Boy, this is gunna be a long one

2. What is your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned?

I have a shirt of a lady wearing a panda mask, it looks really nice and im actually wearing it right now ahaha, also really like my star wars X-Wing hoodie :D4. What does your perfect room look like?

Im not really sure tbh, although it would be nice if there was a little more space and better lighting than my room has. Would love to get some small plants and stuff and some owl related cushions or something6. What fictional place would you like to visit?

Would be interesting to visit Dunwall from Dishonored or one of the many planets in Star Wars, would love to go see a Podrace or something!8. When was the last time you climbed a tree?

2014, its the same time i fell out of a tree and broke my collarbone ahaha10. What is the most annoying habit that you or other people have?

I check my phone way too much which is kinda annoying to me, although my dad gets really annoyed that i bounce my legs ahaha12. What skill would you like to master?

It would be rad to master a language (Although im on my way to that) or maybe my skating or art14. If you had unlimited funds to build a house to live on for the rest of your life, what would the finished house look like?

Honestly i would probably just buy a cozy apartment and get a cat or something, ive never really thought about such before16. What state or country do you never want to go back to?Havent actually got anywhere i would never want to go back to yet 18. What game or movie universe would you like to live in?

As cool as the Metro games are, not that one ahaha. maybe the world of Star Trek or something :D20. Are you usually early or late?

Im usually quite early tbh 22. When people come to you for help, what do they usually need help with?

Not really sure tbh, i cant remember, although people occasionally ask me about assignments or such so there that24. What do you wish you knew more about?

Well cos im finding programming a tad tricky at uni, i would say that, but tbh i would love to know more about astrophysics or anything related to rocketry and piloting !26. What are some small things that make your day better?

A cup of tea in my favourite mug, someone complimenting how i look, my dog saying hi when i get home 28. What’s the best way to start the day?

By slamming my face into the pillow and going back to sleep ahaha, nah i think a relaxed morning with some tea and a nice breakfast or something

30. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

Would be cool to have a channel for all the space exploration stuff, lunno if it would be widely popular or not but i would love to see such 32. What age do you wish you could stay at permanently?

Im not really sure tbh 34. What’s your ideal way to spend a weekend?

My ideal weekend is to laze about at home and play videogames, bake some stuff or work on some art. I just feel really comfy at home so being able to relax at home all weekend sounds ideal to me36. What is your claim to fame?

Im not really sure if i have one?38. What’s your favorite book or movie genre?

I really dig science fiction, although with movies i also like the action genre :D40. What have you only recently formed an opinion about?42. What subject interests you that not many people have heard of?

I couldnt think of anything people havent really heard of but i really enjoy reading about early nasa, so stuff like the Mercury, Gemini and Apollo programs44. What’s the best book series or TV series you’ve ever read or watched?

I think at the moment, the best Tv series for me is Band of Brothers46. What’s the most heartwarming thing you’ve ever seen?

Those videos of people meeting family or friends in the airport that live really far away, everyone is so happy in those and its really nice :D48. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with no preparation?

I could probably give a presentation on ww2 or the moon missions, not 100% accurate or super detailed but yeah, well that or the Lore of various games and movies i like50. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

Travel, just seeing somewhere new, the journey and exploration involved, its really cool :D52. What’s your dream car?absolutely no clue54. What is something a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don’t get?

Game of Thrones, that new show on netflix56. Where is the most interesting place you’ve been?When i lived in England i went to the transport museum and also the various imperial war museums, those were absolutely fantastic. Over here in straya though? probably the top of sydney harbour bridge, that was pretty gnarly58. What is the best thing that happened to you last week?

Well i just got my grade back for my programming assignment and i got 70% :D60. If all jobs had the same pay rate and hours, what job would you want to have?

Im not sure, although at the moment im studying game design at uni so i would probably go for that anyway ahaAlthough if there was an opportunity it would be cool to become an astronaut or ww2 historian62. How different was your life 1 year ago?

Well i couldnt ice skate, i wasnt doing a degree, i think i was in somewhat crappier state than i am now. But things have been improving over the last few years :)64. What would you rate 10/10?

Ahh im not good at rating or ranking anything, i guess the new star wars? (Rogue one)66. What is the most interesting piece of art you’ve seen?

Im not really sure, i dont think ive been to see art in ages, although i really like the art my friend @echey does! its super awesome stuff!68. What do you hope never changes?

My ability to find good in a bad situation70. What movie title best describes your life?I cant even think of one tbh72. What’s the best way a person can spend their time?Just do what you enjoy i guess74. Where is the most relaxing place you’ve ever been?

Botanical gardens in adelaide are really nice, dont go there too often but theyre relaxing as heck76. Where would you rather be from?

As much as i talk shit about england, i dont think id want to be from anywhere else78. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months?New alien movie, end of first semester, turn 20 next month, Dunkirk movie, lots of cool stuff :D80. What one thing do you really want but can’t afford?Either a trip overseas or all those games that i have on my wishlist rn82. Where would you spend all your time if you could?Im not sure tbh, i guess anywhere i feel comfortable?84. What age do you want to live to?ahh thats a tough one, i guess in my 20′s? 86. What are you absolutely determined to do?

Get through my degree and get a job in my chosen field88. What do you wish you knew more about?theres so much i wish i knew more about ;-;90. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person??? iunno dude92. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?iunno? any compliment is nice to me :D94. Who inspires you to be better?nothing comes to mind but im sure theres someone :/96. What haven’t you grown out of?my favourite tshirt ahaha 98. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done that actually turned out pretty well?no bloody clue but im sure it was absolutely stupid aha100. What’s something you will never do again?climb a tree and break my collarbone102. What keeps you up at night?my messed up sleep schedule mainly, although those weird night time depressed moods get ya too 104. What is the most illegal thing you’ve ever done?probably underage drinking106. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?a worthless shithead108. What do you look down on people for?being absolute wankers, although in my degree the thing i really look down on is those people that are like “How did you not get that? its easy!” or generally act like a know it all and give you shit over coding, like chill out lads and help each other110. What lie do you tell most often?im fine, im not tired, im used to it, ill be fine, couldnt think of one so heres the top ones i can think off112. What is the best & worst thing about getting older?Can buy what you want, but worst thing is that the older you get, the more youre looked down on for being unemployed114. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it?probably a kickass dragon!!116. What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

Don’t procrastinate/ set your deadline a day or two early and start early so if you do procrastinate, it would fuck you up as bad118. What are you famous for among your friends & family?I think with friends im mostly famous for random history (Mainly ww2) facts and at home im mostly known for my shitty humour i think ahaha120. What one responsibility do you wish you didn’t have?122. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self?Don’t give a shit about what others might think, just do what makes you happy and be how you feel you should124. What’s the best thing about you?My terrible humour, my optimism 126. Have you ever saved someone’s life?Who knows?128. What would a mirror opposite of you look like?Like a reverse image of me? nah ahaha probably a massive asshole, but at the same time theyre probably putting them self first and their happiness so iunno130. Which of your scars has the best story behind it?Got a massive scar over my right collarbone, had to get surgery on it when i broke it and so now ive got a metal plate in my body aha

thank you for the ask!!

#hockey-downunder

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b00bstone · 7 years

Note

half the ask the blogger questions please u can pick which ones

so i think this is half

2. If you could have dinner with any 3 living or dead people, who would they be and why?

my moms dad. because he was apparently bi. and my mom doesnt talk about him a lot so im curious. 2. van gogh. i feel like we would get along. we are both depressed and wanna die. and like to paint. altho hes wayyyy better than i could ever hope to be. and 3. celestine. i really fucking miss her.

3. What makes you laugh?

not a lot tbh. my sense of humour doesnt make a lot of sense but thomas sanders usually does.

9. What do you like to do on the weekends?

sleep and cry.

13. Tell me one surprising fact about you.

i like exercising. i dont do it because i never have energy but when i do (as long as its something fun like biking or hiking or swimming) then i really enjoy it.

the rest is under a readmore because this post is long af and it gets kinda depressing... (i hope i did it right)

15. What were you like as a child?

not much different than i am now. annoying and selfish.

16. What are some things on your bucket list?

i wanna go to space (which is crazy for someone whose two main fears are heights and the dark)

i wanna kiss someone really cute and have that feeling that all those poems and songs and books and movies talk about. the magical one.

i wanna get married. like the white dress and the reception and everything.

i wanna go to pride parade.

i wanna go to a gay bar

i wanna be so in love with someone that it makes everyone else simultaneously jealous and hopeful. like of course someone that loves me back too.

i wanna live somewhere like seattle.

i wanna go see a broadway musical in person.

i wanna go to a concert

i wanna have REALLY great sex.

i wanna travel the world.

and ill end it there or it could go on for years. then this post would get REALLY long.

23. If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be and why?

its ur life. do with it whatever the fuck u want. and if people object then flip the bird at them and say fuck u i only get one of these and ill live it how i please. because maybe if younger me had heard that id be braver and actually be able to find in me the courage to leave this house behind and carve out my own little hole in this world.

24. If you were stuck on a deserted island and could only bring one thing, what would it be?

a plane fully stocked with fuel and a pilot. the pilot comes with the plane and the fuel so it all counts as one thing.

29. What would you do if you won a million dollars?

buy myself a house far away from everything and everyone and move all my fav people there and their fav people and just chill there for a while.

30. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

the ability to get a rough idea of the future. like good or bad. u know.

32. What actor or actress would star as you in a movie about your life?

Imelda Staunton

34. If you could trade lives with anyone else for one day, who would you trade with?

trump. one day is all id need.

39. Are you a picky eater?

yes. i hate meat. i always have. and as a little kid i didnt even know how animals were treated. i just hate the taste. adn i hate cooked veggies. raw veggies are ok but cooked ones are gross. and spinach is gross. and there are a ton of other stuff i could list

41. What beverage do you consume most often?

energy drinks. i had like 5 today.

42. What is the first thing you wash in the shower?

hair.

44. How are you feeling right now?

sad.

48. Do you love yourself?

fuck no.

49. When was the last time you cried and why?

like 5 seconds ago. because im depressed and hate myself.

53. Have you ever flown in an airplane?

yeah. i was terrified of it as a little kid.

55. Are your parents or guardians strict?

well the only people i know whose parents are worse than mine on the strictness scale i recently realized have abusive parents so id say yes. they are rather strict.

57. Have you ever been in love?

yeah. requited love? nah.

58. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

the only time it is acceptable to bite ice cream is if it is in sandwich form.

59. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life ever apologize?

no i still havent apologized to myself yet.

60. What are some of your turn-ons?

confidence. but like humble confidence. vulnerability. being into me.

61. What are some of your turn-offs?

cockiness. being an asshole. not being into me.

63. What are you thinking about right now?

my turn ons and offs and how much i hate myself.

65. Do you ever illegally download entertainment such as music, movies, etc.?

… ok so if ur from the FBI i need u to look away. ok now that the FBI isnt reading this. yeah i illegally stream movies and tv shows. not so much music tho. ok FBI u can continue reading now.

66. What is your zodiac sign?

cancer

67. Do you believe in karma or predestiny?

i dont know. i mean it makes sense. karma that is. predestiny is kinda depressing but i was raised in a very christian enviroment and the bible is confusing on that. so i dont really believe in it because then like my reason for living outside of people and my dog is almost completely gone.

68. Is there anything you want to say to anyone right now?

to my romantic soulmate: if ur out tehre come find me bitch. im lonely and want someone to kiss.

70. What is your stance on abortion?

i think its not my decision to make for other people. i dont think i would eget one personally but if someone else wants to then thats their choice and they should be allowed to make it.

71. Do you believe in ghosts?

yeah. it just seems plausible.

75. What do you daydream about?

having friends. and a bf/gf. being happy and seeing my friends and boyfriend or girlfriend all the time. not living here. i also fantasize about killing myself sometimes. or just dying in general. but its mostly about having friends and a significant other.

76. Where do you want to live after retirement?

i dunno. maybe switch between hawaii and alaska. or just hawaii with occassional trips to alaska.

77. What would you change your first name to?

joseph.

78. If you believe in a God or Higher Power, what one question would you want to ask Him or Her?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! theyd get what i mean.

82. What do you worry about most?

being alone forever and everyone hating me as much as i hate me

83. When was the last time you tried something new and what was it?

last weekend. it was food.

84. Who do you compare yourself to?

lots of people, one person specifically whose name we will not use tho is blub. im not gonna give away any info on this person. but i kinda hate them for no reason. theyre a nice person that i barely know but i hate them and theyre so much better than me. which is part of why i hate them.

86. What five words would you use to describe your personality?

annoying. needy. selfish. weird. ew.

89. If not now, then when?

good question. when someone wants to date me.

90. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?

yeah

91. What activities make you lose track of time?

talking to friends. crying. sleeping.

93. What is your biggest regret?

not dying earlier?

95. Are you a messy person or a clean person?

messy messy messy.

97. How tall are you?

like 5.5 o5 5.6

98. What is your guilty pleasure?

eating a ton of cheetos. and also using bathbombs and facemasks.

99. Do you prefer sweet or salty?

lately salty more. but my fav is cheesy.

100. What is your favorite social media website?

tumblr is a hellsite but probably tumblr.

thanks for asking my depressed ass some questions!

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bonegard · 7 years

Text

i am so fucking tired

while i was hopping off the computer i got some asks for the outfit meme thing so i told my bro to hold on a sec so i can see what they said, not even to reply to them but just click the inbox button and he flippe dthe fuck out and screamed about how i dont ever do anything but sit on my ass all day and im so fucking pissed so tired so very fukcing tired im not even pissed anymore actually

uts hjust like idk

numb and sad and hurt cause he legit doesnt even know what i do everyday except for the 7 hours after school hes awake and during that time i wither am relaxing after doing other stuff all day or doing his chore (vacuuming) if i didnt have tie earlier in the day or doing dishes. mom usually does dishes in the morning and i usually do them at night unless she asks my dad to do it, which is rare

i have been sick for the last two weeks and last week 5/7days last week i had a fever and 5/7 of those days we were also in town for moms doctor visits, waking up at as early as 6am to get her to appointments while im running a fever cause shes not allowed to go by herself in case she has a heart problem, a stroke, or has a lapse of memory and dad works and so i go so bro goes to school and dad can work ive been fucking sick for 2 weeks and this week ivent had fevers (except a mild one rn) and ive still been doing almost as much as i normally do and i ‘dont do anything but sit on my ass all day’

liek lets see my schedule (with some fluctuation) wake up around 9am, make breakfast, relax for a little so i have time to brace myself for the rest of the day (depressions a bitch yo) check messages is done during this time, do dishes if mom does, sometimes make mom breakfast as well, clean bathroom, vacuum about every 3-4 days, wash my laundry, water the dogs, do lunch dishes and make lunch, then rest a bit, then help mom with whatever she needs. Some days its washing dogs, some days its cooking dinner, sometimes its helping with more dishes if its really bad. Also gotta dust once every other week or so (sometimes longer) thats not liek a ton, but when there are 3 people in the house and m brother and dad DO NOT clean up after themselves it gets to be a ton, esp regarding dishes cause theyll drink out of at least 3 glasses a day. They dont clean up any kleenex tehy use, jsut toss it on the table or counter. No to mention making sure mom doesnt lose track of what shes doing cause she forgets what shes doing a lot. try and do commission randomly throughout the day when i have access to the computer

like over all thats prolly not even a lot but when its a struggle jsut to get out of bed in the morning when all you want to do is kinda disappear and not wake up, its kind of a lot. especially these last few weeks being sick with strep and the worst case of allergies march and april can give you. ive legit only been able to go to my actual paid job one day in the last 5 weeks cause Ive been sick and moms doctors appointments.

most of the money i make these days is from commissions which i dont eve nget a lot of and i still have to pay for my phone somehow cause we need it just in case of emergencies while mom adn i are away from the house ( in town or rabbit shows) and i have to buy food and such for myself when out of town so not to overload mom and dad with extra spending. Also gave mom 75 dollars recently to help her not have an huge overdraft and to pay for gas which she finished paying off yesterday but had to buy food so im not at 68$ and just ugh. I cant hold a job if i cant go to one to take care of mom.

im so tired of everyone not appreciating what i do and being called lazy

liek maybe i am lazy and i jsut think this is a lot of work when bro screamed about me doing nothing but sit on my ass all day, dad didnt disagree cause he thinks the same thing, but im all day with mom so shed know if i was or not and she didnt stand up for me either and always talks about how no one does anything around the house but her

idk maybe i really am lazy and just think i do a lot

idont really have a job other than one or rarely two days a week as long as mom doesnt have doctors appointments maybe i really am really lazy and im just taking up space here

im just so damn tired i jsut want to not exist for a while or just move out but i have no where to go and then even if i did i wouldnt have money to get there or get my stuff there and eve nif i did and had a place and money and everything. like if a person just offered to bu me a house in my name where i want to lived and all my stuff there and the money to live off of until i find a job i would regret it cause im worried abut my mom my dad has to work and my bro has school so i need to be here to watch over her so she doesnt have health shit without anyone knowing and so shes not driving alone and just.

thats another thing i do that i apaprently dont do. sacrifice pretty much my dreams and day to watch over mom so dad and bro can still do their own life shit. if i wasnt here dad would be freaking all day worrying about mo and be taking off every day she has an appointment and he and the family cant live or pay anything if he doesnt work as much as he can

jsut because i dont go to work or school everyday and do hard labor shit outside and i make money doing things i like doesnt mean i dont do anything or that im laz. im depressed and just trying as hard as i can. but of course that isnt enough. not for my parents, my family, society or anything. i legit cannot make a living with all these fuckign things building up and im so close to jsut suffocating under it all. i know a few of you will prolly try and change my mind or reassure me about not being lazy or whatever, and thanks, but you legit dont even know how i function just what i say and for all i know i can be deluded in what i do. you dont have any proof other than my words which isnt much of proof

ugh i dont even know how to tell y therapist all the issues and probles and stresses i have, esp not in a 60 minute slot. No way doing it without crying and i dont cry in public im a humiliation enough as is. But hey at least i can tell her theres been a change in my life: ivent felt suicidal for over almost 4 years until today

#personal #negative

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shirtshoping · 4 years

Text

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travelinghermit · 7 years

Text

Trek to the Quilotoa Volcanic Crater

After a fairly intensive full four day hike through the interior of Ecuador, across some of the most stunning Andes mountain views I have seen, I arrived back into Latacunga yesterday afternoon. Away from wifi, away from my bike, away from everything really except me, myself, and I and a few necessary items in my daypack. It felt truelly good to be cut off from modern technology for a few days and just spend some time hiking in the wilderness, breathing that fresh air. No guide, no companions except the rare few you cross paths with along the way.

I intended to depart Thursday morning but I woke up with very slight cold symptoms such as a runny nose and a very slight cough. Which is barely holding on as I write this. So I took the day preparing a bit more like walking to the bus terminal and confirming bus times, going to the bank, buying snacks. It wasnt a complete waste of a day but I did spend the majority eating fruit and resting in bed to get rid of this thing for good before I was off early in the morning.

I woke up at 5am the following morning and was on the bus to the village of Sitchos by 5:45am. The two hour bus ride was a slow ride up the winding narrow mountain passes. It was a beautiful morning in the mountains with the sun shining. I of course didnt bother with sunscreen. I packed all my rain gear and layers thinking it would be miserable, cold, mountain weather and of course over the three day duration I was lucky or perhaps unlucky with amazing weather and no rain yet my face is still recovering from it all.

By 830am I hit the trail. No map or the slightest indication of where I was supposed to go to the next village Isinlivi. The Quilotoa loop as its called is a popular trek among travellers mostly because of its inexpensive cost and well for me atleast it was the adventure aspect of being out there by yourself with no guide for a couple days roughing it. The loop is made up of a series of day treks from village to village. Most start at the village Isinlivi but there was an early bus to the town before that and I read the trail truelly started there so I went for it. There was one other group of Americans on my bus but other than that we were it for the day.

Within an hour I was already lost. I followed a sign to an abandoned house ontop of a hill and I mustve spent forty five minutes trying out each direction and all I came up with was barbed wire fences and dead ends. So did what anybody would do I saw a road bellow down the hill so I walked down, climbed over two barbed wire fences and I was back on the right track seemingly as I walked the dirt road. This first day was easily the most difficult of the days as I guess the official loop didnt start at Sitchos so the markers along the trail did not start until the following village in Isinlivi. After three and a half hours I arrived in this peaceful village at 12:30pm and was the first person to arrive at the Lulu Lhama Hostel. I was incredibly surprised at the quality of this hostel. Amazing mountain view patio at back, with a cozy living room and fire place and the star attraction a huge Saint Bernard dog lying around. I didnt bring anything to do no book or anything. I sacrificed my book in order to make space for my rain gear which I didnt use at all but lucky me there was half a book of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S Thompson with the beginning ripped out and seemingly missing. Ive read it before so it didnt really bother me. As time went on more and more people arrived at the hostel and suddenly the hostel was full. I talked to a Norwegian or was he Swedish? Well he was from one of those places who volunteered there. He told me of a nice and quick trek to the top of a hill he pointed too in the back. I still had tons of energy and nothing to do so I went for it. When I reached the top I had a 360 degree view of the beautiful mountains with low hanging clouds cutting the tops off and best of all I had it all to myself.

That night was really great. With so many people from all over staying at the hostel and no wifi as distractions it made for good interactions. It had been forever since I had some good english conversation so I was a chatterbox asking this English couple a million and one questions about their time in Peru and Bolivia. I also met two girls from France who were fun to talk too aswell. I told them about my Ayahuasca experience in Mocoa and we chatted about how with so many poor child beggars its so easy to wave them off codly, just not wanting to deal with them because of the sheer number. I told them about an experience I had the night before. I was eating soup at a restaurant and a child beggar who mustve been five at least. He came in and walked up to everyone asking for money nobody gave him anything. I didnt either except a fist bump which he deffinitley wasnt asking for. I had been used to so many coming up to me I didnt even think about it anymore. My table was facing the window and I was eyeing the boy as he walked out and past my view and I saw his face. He was on the verge of tears and I think he really did start crying completely oblivious of my view. My heart broke I wanted to run out and give him something but he was already gone. But what can you do? You cant give them all money and its shitty of the parents to put their kids in these situations. These are the tough aspects of travel that leave you powerless in view of the reality of overwhelming economic adversity. Throughout this trip its been the French that has surprised me the most with who I have connected with the most.

That night the cook made a huge Quiche and everyone ate at big tables like a big family. Nobody left the table without full stomaches. Breakfast was my absolute favorite meal fresh fruit, yogurt, granola, and scrambled eggs with juice and coffee. Perfect for a day of trekking. I was the first out the door by 821am but of course even with a map this time I was lost within minutes. After talking to many of the fellow trekkers getting lost on the Quilotoa loop is all apart of the experience. Once I found the right trail I was good for the rest of the day. This time the trek was made a bit easier with red and yellow paint marking the trail. As I was trekking along I thought how cool is this? Just a bunch of travellers trekking by ourselves with no guides through stunning Ecuadorian landscapes. If you do get lost theres always someone coming up behind you (well hopefully) but you always find your way again somehow. These trails werent incredibly easy either sometimes you wont see a paint marker for a long while but once you climb up a large hill and youre not quite sure if its really the right way, and your so tired and suddenly there it is, a red spot on a tree or rock. Youre just so happy you made it and more impottantly going the right way.

I didnt see many people along the way really. On the second night at the Cloud Forrest Hostal there were only four other groups along with me staying which I thought was weird considering how full the first night was but most dont do the full trek I gathered. Third and final day it was the big climb to the crater. Quilotoa is an inactive volcano with a rim circumference of 10km and the last time it erupted was apparently 1280 and it was such a powerful blast the ash reached the Pacific Ocean. This final day was my favorite portion of the hike. The views were spectacular, the trails were taxing and narrow and most of all very diverse. I was jumping over streams, climbing sandy paths up mountains which can barely be called a trail and through tiny mountain villages. I wrote that Jack Kerouac quote last week about fleeing the ocean and running to your desire. As I was hiking along I was laughing to myself as this was exactly what I desired. A challenging hike I can do all by myself over a couple days which ended in a jaw dropping view of the Quilotoa Volcan crater lake. This was exactly what I required.

At around noon I had arrived to the top. It was a gruelling climb that had me going slowly step by step but the view from the top was incredible. Never had I been to a rim of a Volcano, never have I trekked alone for days, never was I about to trek the entire circumference of a Volcano rim, it was surely a day of firsts. The lake that accumulated in the crater of the Volcano was an otherwordly tourqoize green that light up like a emerald when the sun shone on its surface. Absolutley incredible. The colour of the lake comes from the minerals that accumulate. I never seam in the lake but im sure its very good for you. As soon as I reached the top there was time for a slight peanut break but then I was off again treking up and down the hills surrounding the crater. I was all alone up there and this wasnt easy after trekking three hours already just to get there. Seven hours of trekking total on Sunday and by the time I finished the crater loop and found a hostel I was dead beat. The following morning I hopped a bus back to Latagunga and here I am now in a cafe writing this.

I leave for Banos tomorrow after two well deserved rest days. My trekking hopefully doesnt end here. I think I needed a reset from everything, clear my head and reassess my goals. I talked to a girl from Begium who is travelling a year on a $25 a day budget. Made me feel like a novice. I tracked my spending for a week and I saw with no surprise I spend most of my money on snacks. My goal for this week is a $30 budget just to see if I can do it. That starts today we’ll see how it goes. I do love my snacks and yet again the mantra rings “strip away the unessential”.

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