#i remember a few years back a lot of the soundtrack was in my spotify wrapped😭😭😭

[chironshorseass]

i will forever stand by the lightning thief musical being the best pjo adaptation by a loooong shot. i’ve seen more than a few people critiquing the show for making these kids be way too serious for what they are—kids—and i’m just thinking abt how well the tlt musical writers understood the assignment!!! (and also the actors!) they’re adults playing 12 year-olds and u really forget that while watching the musical, by how well it’s written and interpreted by the actors. also the way the writers Understood the characters and their dynamics to a T…man, i still think about the good kid reprise when luke paralleled percy 😭😭😭😭 and how annabeth’s cleverness is never doubted and displayed, yet she’s also a silly girl! same with grover and percy! for example percy’s anger showing up in so many parts of the musical yet he’s always trying his best (which is why the good kid reprise works so well!) and then grover having his tree on the hill moment😭😭

back to annabeth: it really irks me how so many people fail to understand her? even her creator ???!!! truly outstanding how in the movie she’s watered down to just being the love interest who says she’s smart and the daughter of wisdom and blah blah blah yet does little to make the audience believe that, and then in the show she’s too smart, almost too perfect in everything she does. (none of the scenes have yet to show her making mistakes, like in the book). i love love love tlt musical annabeth bc she’s a girl looking for others to notice her! she wants to be seen! she wants to make her mark! she says she always has a plan yet sometimes she doesn’t! she’s still 12! she’s petty and makes mistakes and hasn’t seen the world! just goes to show which one is the superior adaptation.

anyway, tlt musical stans RISE!!!!

#tlt musical #pjo adaptation #pjo tv show #this was inspired by all the posts i’m seeing with show crit #u know i’m not gonna comment too much on the show bc i’ve begun to compare it to the musical and it doesn’t hold a candle to the musical lol #i could go on and on about the musical like it had 16 year old me in a chokeholdddd #i remember a few years back a lot of the soundtrack was in my spotify wrapped😭😭😭 #so i’m just gonna treat the show as a form of media inspired by pjo but saying it’s own thing without necessarily bringing the same #narrative as the books. this is the big difference between the show and the musical i think

[ivyial]

RIGHT SO

after my previous reblog, i feel compelled to write a "short" post (love letter) about (to) this game

so for those of you who haven't played it, or never even heard of it, professor layton vs phoenix wright: ace attorney is a crossover game between the two franchises (you'll have guessed it from the title) and it is PAINFULLY underrated :,) (i also hear that it is now hard to get physical copies of this game at a decent price so i'm glad i kept mine)

essentially used to be my favourite game of all time before it got dethroned by the resident evil 4 remake (but i will forever remember it fondly). i remember my parents gifted it to me for easter back in 2014 (so i was around 12 back then) and i don't think they realised how much this would change me. like this is one of the reasons why i started thinking about studying law later LMAOO.

essentially layton and phoenix both end up helping this young girl, espella (i played it in french back then and her name is aria so their english names are a struggle for me) who is being hunted by witches and then put on trial in london for the assault of a ship's crew member. then the wildest thing happens and they get sucked into a book and are sent back to medieval times. yes it sounds insane. but in this small town called labyrinthia, witches are real, and so are witch trials (DOESN'T IT SOUND COOL AS FUCK??).

they've all forgotten who they are, though. phoenix doesn't remember being an attorney and layton doesn't remember anything either. they find espella again, and she's put on trial AGAIN, for witchcraft this time. the game alternates between the usual layton riddles and ace attorney's investigation/trial phases. the odds are high this time around, because those found guilty of witchcraft are shoved into a metal cage and plunged into a pit of fire. they're not messing around.

of course, it wouldn't be layton or ace attorney without a massive plot twist at the end. i'd argue this one is probably the most insane out of all layton games (it's even a bit far fetched tbh, but just saying, you do not see it coming) (okay it's even full of plot holes and i haven't revisited the ending in years but if i did, i think it would be detrimental to my mental health).

the art style is amazing - i'm in love with the later ace attorney art styles, starting from dual destinies and this game, and particularly the latest great ace attorney chronicles. here are a few of my favourite character designs from the game:

but overall, one of the best things about the game has to be the soundtrack. it is the perfect mix of both franchises' music and it is a CRIME that neither level 5 nor capcom have released this on spotify (capcom i know you have all other AA soundtracks on this app. add this one. i am begging you). if you've never played an ace attorney game before, then you do not know the sheer adrenaline of phoenix shouting OBJECTION and the music speeding up. here's one of my favourite tracks:

tell me this doesn't make you immediately want to confess to 47 crimes you haven't committed.

it's kind of the perfect crossover game if you're into the genre, it's perfectly balanced between riddles and trials. the stakes are also a lot higher and there's actual executions. maybe i shouldn't have played this at the age of 12 actually - at some point (spoilers ahead), maya is wrongly executed and the scene will forever haunt me for some reason:

(go to 18:06 if the youtube timestamp doesn't work) i chose the french version of the cutscene because it's the one i played back then and i find that the french dub is a lot more compelling than the english one (somehow? the french haven't produced a good dub in decades so). also maya's screams are downright heartbreaking and the scene was traumatising asf when i was a kid

ANYWAY. please play this game, it's so much fun. for the AA enthusiasts, there's an edgeworth cameo at the very end. i very much fear that this game will be forgotten eventually, but it warms my heart to see that there are still people talking about it on the internet.

#it is THE game of my childhood #professor layton #phoenix wright ace attorney #professor layton vs phoenix wright: ace attorney #professor layton vs phoenix wright ace attorney #phoenix wright #hershel layton #luke triton #maya fey #Youtube #plvpw

[whenim64]

What’s your favourite solo song from each of the Monkees and/or Beatles? :p

I want to preface this by saying I listen to music at a snail pace so the only one of these guys who discography I’ve made it all the way through is John’s.

Starting with the Beatles

Paul: Wings era my fave songs are Silly Love Songs, Jet, Magneto and Titanium Man. For his solo stuff def Temporary Secretary bc that was my most listened to song last year, aughhhh it’s truly so hard to pick bc I love his music so much >.<

John: Mind Games, Look At Me, Oh My Love

Ringo: Occapella <3 and Goodnight Vienna :)

George: I Dig Love favoritest song ever <333 also love Blow Away

Now the Monkees… again prefacing this with the fact that I have barely listened to them outside of the Monkees discog.

Mike: Mama Nantucket, I Fall To Pieces, and Flying and it makes me so upset that it’s not available on Spotify cause I have to YouTube it whenever I want to listen :(

Davy: I have spent A LOT of time listening to Davy Jones 1971 Bell Recordings, my fave is probably Rainy Jane bc I used to watch this video of him performing it almost everyday. Other than that and his 1964 album I’ve only listened to his songs from The Point soundtrack (really good if you haven’t already checked that out). I recently preordered his Incredible album so I’ll be getting to that one soon :D and if 7a keeps releasing his solo stuff eventually I will have a full collection and will have gotten through his discog

Peter: um. I’ve only listened to his solo album one time a few months back but I don’t remember any of it so I really can’t give an answer here. 

Micky: very similar to Peter except I haven’t listened to any of his stuff YET. I am going to get to it soon tho bc I’ve been in a very Micky mood recently (as you can see by my queue lol). The only thing I have to say in regard to this is that I don’t like listening to live albums which I know he has a few, and I probably won’t listen to any of his albums that are cover songs (of songs I know or don’t care about ex: Micky Dolenz puts you to sleep, broadway Micky, Dolenz sings Nesmith, Dolenz sings REM) so that rules out a lot of his discog :\  love you Micky I’m sorry I am failing you </3

I would love to hear your answers too!!!

#64answers

[canonicallyanxious]

2022 top 10 lists

my favorite end of year tradition is making lists and trying so hard to remember literally anything i've put into my ears and eyeballs

top 10 discovered songs

note: not all 2022 releases, though a lot are

The Last Goodbye feat. Bettye LaVette - ODESZA (aka the most song of all time)

Nobody Speak feat. Run The Jewels - DJ Shadow (shoutout to my irl best friend for showing me this tour de force of a music video. this song was my top spotify track of the year also go figure)

Dynasties & Dystopia - Denzel Curry, Gizzle, Bren Joy (truly the entire Arcane soundtrack slaps from start to finish)

Dance Now - JID, Kenny Mason (really challenging to pick only one track from JID's album for this list ftr, runner ups for me include Kody Blu 31 and Better Days)

Freaks - ATARASHII GAKKO!! & Warren Hue

Violence - POLIÇA

Running Back To You feat. RebMoe - Holiday87

Star Walkin' - Lil Nas X (TWO league of legends songs on this list???!?!??!?!?! unfortunately LoL does make absolute bangin tracks and that is not my fault)

Pretend feat. Kota the Friend - pluko

Better Days - Mr Little Jeans (at least one song called Better Days made this list I guess lol)

top 10 albums

note: as per tradition these are all 2022 releases babey! also REALLY challenging to narrow down this list, quite a few i had to cut, so this list is entirely based on personal preference - could have gone differently if i'd gone for a best albums list rather than sarah's favorite albums list

The Last Goodbye - ODESZA (congrats to ODESZA for topping both of my music lists this year, honestly a difficult feat)

Forever Story - JID (if this list was based on what I think were objectively the best albums of the year I think this one would probably top the list, just an immaculate record from start to finish)

Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers - Kendrick Lamar

Laurel Hell - Mitski

Hold the Girl - Rina Sawayama

The Family - Brockhampton (honestly crazy that i listed a BH album this far down on the list this year but since it was a fairly late release i had a lot less time to get attached to it, also imo BH's best albums ever are Ginger and Roadrunner so really hard to follow up on those but i still think this and TM are killer records)

Brighter Future 2 - Big Gigantic

Hideous - Oliver Sim

<COPINGMECHANISM> - WILLOW

NO THANK YOU - Little Simz (a bit of a last-minute addition to the list, big rip to Superorganism whose "World Wide Pop" would have taken this last spot if Little Simz had not dropped absolute fire like three weeks before the end of the year)

top 10 movies/shows

Everything Everywhere All At Once dir. Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert

Everything Everywhere All At Once dir. Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert

Everything Everywhere All At Once dir. Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert (i watched this movie three times this year don't @ me)

Arcane: Season 1 (I believe this is the only item on this list that isn't a 2022 release)

Dimension 20: A Starstruck Odyssey

Dimension 20: A Court of Fey and Flowers (am i allowed to put two seasons from the same show on this list? well i listed eeaao three times so i do whatever i want sorry about it)

Fire Island dir. Andrew Ahn

Our Flag Means Death: Season 1

What We Do in the Shadows: Season 4

Luca dir. Enrico Casarosa (never mind this is the other item on this list that isn't a 2022 release)

#sarah.txt #2022 recap #how obvious is it that i didn't manage to watch much at all this year lol #i have a lot on my to watch list by now so we'll see if 2023 is any better for the content consuming brain cell

[thechaseofspades]

How about a director’s cut for My Head Is an Animal? What made you decide to work Of Monsters and Men (and that album, in specific) into the story? How did you first get into them?

🎵 Musical Episode Talk 🎶

Fair warning, I use a *lot* of words to answer this. 900 of them to be approximate. Peek under the cut and scroll at your own risk.

There's a bunch of different angles to this so I'm probably just gonna spit them out variety show style and then maybe have them cross over at the end.

I've danced around this before but I'll just out and say it, Violet is kind of loosely based on me. Not in a Literally Me ™️ self-insert way, but I give her some traits and characteristics that I have in real life. As much as I like her, I feel like the show kinda left her blank, especially compared to how much development Lena and Webby got. I don't think the stuff I've added feels very out of place on her anyway.

I remember reading a few fics in which characters would come out to each other, and that was pretty neat. At the time I was way less out than I am now, so the only way I could really express that was through fiction. Hence, why I took the aroace Vi headcanon I already had and made a story out of it.

I'm a sucker for character playlists. Whether it's songs that tell their story, or just the kind of music they'd be into, it's the easiest way for me to get a grasp on a character. I actually do this when I write as well. Each fic has its own "soundtrack", except Dream(s) because of how short it was.

OMAM had their big hit in 2012 with "Little Talks", which has kinda lingered around ever since. I've gone through phases of loving it and forgetting it even exists over the past ten years, although it's probably never leaving my head anymore.

I pick up a lot of music from soundtracks and playlists. I'm not a big discography guy. The easiest way to get me to like a song is to attach it to something else I like (hence why character playlists do it for me). In this case, OMAM appeared in the NHL 20 soundtrack ("Alligator". Recommend it), which brought them back into my brain around 2020-21.

There was a social media post I saw while I was still getting accustomed to the whole aroace thing, which asked for songs that fit the community. Kinda similar to the aro vibes post that went around about a week ago. One of them was "Love Love Love", which caught my eye because it was OMAM. I gave it a listen, and I would love to tell you that it hit me right away, but it just didn't really. But after a few times over, it started to click. I'm not sure if this is when I listened back to the whole album or if that came later, but this was the catalyst for that.

Whenever I have panic attacks or otherwise just bad times, I listen to Fleetwood Mac. It's my ultimate comfort band. My top 2 tracks are "Rhiannon" and "Dreams", which are pretty much guaranteed to put me in a better mood. That's one of the concepts I gave Violet, as both a justification for the music and a point of conflict.

[Edit: oooh I just remembered I also did this concept in the first ever fic I wrote (unreleased) about Lena having a meltdown and Webby and Vi calming her down with a song! So I guess that makes 3x I've done that trope now]

Back to character playlists. If you remember the post I made recently about the Violet Sabrewing playlist getting wiped from Spotify, that's relevant here. It had songs by The Oh Hellos and The Crane Wives, which really planted the idea in my head that Violet would be into indie folk rock. What else is indie folk rock? OMAM!

I already liked "Little Talks" and loved "LLL", and I dug the indie folk rock vibe, so I figured why not dive into the whole album. Which is funny because I almost never do that. Not a discography guy, like I said.

You still there? Great. Anyway...

When I sat down to write "My Head is an Animal", it was originally going to be about Violet finding the song, kinda like I did. The "Love Love Love" scene was going to be the majority of it. But I felt like it was missing something. I wanted to see Violet go through the process. I wanted to show her struggling, realizing, accepting, etc. I wanted to show the full experience.

Hence, the full album. I had some ideas for where I was ultimately taking the story, but this was the most seat-of-my-pants writing I've ever done. I had the songs playing on loop as I wrote each segment, writing down how it made me feel. How it made her feel. The ups, the downs, everything.

I didn't want to just parachute in during the middle of Violet's process, because that feels like shortcutting it. But I also wanted to give closure as seen in the final cut. In reality, there's still a lot more to figure out for Vi, as there is with anyone, but after putting her through a panic attack or two, I wanted to see her happy.

Hopefully that all made some sort of sense. At the very least, it was worth writing down for my sake. And big thanks for the ask!

#ask and you shall be answered #my head is an animal dx #aroace violet my beloved #what can i say? i like writing characters who are struggling through hard times but are comforted by the people they love most #and also a song that means a lot to them personally while still carrying relevance in the situation at hand #as one does #but yeah thanks for the excuse to ramble #my autism appreciates it

[ivorydice]

WIP Tag Game

I got tagged by @amiyade, thank you!! ✨💖 I’ve seen the rules going around somewhere and it's something like post a list of your current writing projects. Followers are free to ask for more info on any of them, like which characters feature, snippets, extra details, etc. Remember how I said I'm trying to take it easy on myself and not drown myself in WIPs since I'm getting back into actually being productive ahahahahaha yeaaaah *drowns self in WIPs* SO, not a complete list of WIPs, but some things I'm currently focusing on the most. I think I’ve mentioned like most of them anyway lol, BUT HERE WE ARE: 1. The Memory of You (FFXV) -- honestly, this is probably my favouritest fic of mine, which is dumb I know since you'd think I'd have finished it then lol. For those who don't know, Noct and Ardyn are physically de-aged into children (around 7 and 10 years old) by a daemon and are trapped on their own in Cleigne. They have to work together to travel across the country to Hammerhead, where Noct's friends are, but, of course, there are a few hiccups along the way. Enemies-to-friends, Ardyn!redemption, an adventure fic with some cute things, some angsty things and some scary things. MUCH FRIENDSHIP. It now has a playlist on spotify which just makes me feel things instead of write things lmao. I love this fic okay shhhhhhhhh. 2. [title redacted] (FFXV) -- a hurt!Noct body horror fic. After a daemon hunt goes wrong, and after having a strange sudden fever, Noctis begins to descend into “madness”. Nightmares, paranoia, hallucinations, the lot. His friends are majorly concerned about his mental state, but Noctis is convinced there's something more to it. If this fic had a soundtrack it’d be like all synthwave and shit, and yes of course that’s an important detail lmaooo 3. nemo (FFXV) -- daemonised-imperial-weapon!Noct. Pre-game, canon divergence and all that. Noctis has been transformed and brainwashed into killing for the empire, he's seen as a feral beast and a mindless killing machine, Ardyn is a little too obsessed with him, and there's a secret plot to rescue and bring Noctis back home. 4. Conceal (working title) (FFXV) -- a simple one-shot of bros taking care of Noctis, who has been poisoned and has a fever, basically because I wanted more warm and concerned Gladio lmao. Basically just a caretaking fic. 5. What the Shadows Hide (working title) (Merlin) -- an assassin is loose in Camelot and Arthur has been cursed to lose each of his senses one by one. Featuring a lot of angst on Arthur's part as he struggles to cope with becoming far too physically vulnerable for his liking, and awesome-servant!Merlin who tries his best to help. 6. untitled Merlin/Mordred (Merlin) -- listen Merthur is my otp, and this fic is just in the planning/daydreaming stages, but I am SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED in this fic idea for some reason and I just need to acknowledge that it exists okay, basically S5 AU where Merlin decides to give Mordred a chance, tells Mordred about his fated role in Arthur's death, and then it's a long journey of becoming friends and then more, which Merlin struggles with because it feels like a betrayal to Arthur and Mordred is like STFU you’re dumb and we're both loyal to him. Anyway basically: good!Mordred, enemies-to friends-to lovers, secret relationship, two sneaky adorable sorcerers trying their best to protect their king and each other ANYWAY I think I'll stop there lol because we'll be here forever. I have a ton of Merlin ideas written down but I’m not actively working on them yet, there are a couple of new FFXV ideas that I've kept off this list because the subjects are heavy, and my Supernatural ideas are currently all variations of Sam recovering from Hell trauma (except the big Silent Hill inspired fic which consists of powerful psychic Sam AND hell trauma). ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAY. I’m gonna gently tag @breakfastteatime @deducitetemporacarmen @kaelinaloveslomaris @every-lemon @glaivenoct @marmolita but no pressure. Anyone else wants to do this, consider yourself tagged!

#please excuse the sheer BABBLING i am on such a caffeine high lmaooo #yeah the title redacted one has actually had its title redacted lol #i'd prefer to have the title drop when the fic is posted #JUST BECAUSE #tag game #my fics

[purplesurveys]

1693

Put your music library on shuffle (or just pick some random songs) and answer a few questions for each one. by chasingghosts

❀ Song One ❀

What's the song? Like Crazy, Jimin.

When did this song come out? Just this year.

Would you recommend this song to someone? Sure! I’d say it’s even one of the better recos for someone wanting to get into BTS or Jimin as it has an alternate English version, so you can listen to this if you want to understand the lyrics right off the bat. Composition-wise it’s right up my alley too as it has that 80s synth-pop sound that’s been big in pop music these days.

Do you know how to play this song on an instrument? (or would you like to learn?) I don’t play any instruments, so no.

❀ Song Two ❀

What's the song? Take Two, BTS.

Do you remember how you discovered this song? I didn’t discover it per se. It was announced and I waited for it to come out. Thing was, we were out having brunch in Bangkok when it dropped so I had to wait til we got in a Grab like, two hours later, before I could listen to it properly haha.

What genre would you classify this song as? Acoustic pop.

Have you ever been obsessed with or fixated on this song? I’m not particularly obsessed with it, but I listen to it when I’m sad or when I’m missing them. It’s one of those songs that I try to avoid listening to on repeat so that I don’t get sick of it easily.

❀ Song Three ❀

What's the song? Rover, Kai.

Could you dance to this song? I’ve never given this a proper listen actually and I’m not even sure how the song goes (I just set my Spotify to whatever algorithm it feels like playing tonight lol), so I couldn’t tell you right off the bat. I probably could though, cos it’s Kai?

Does this song remind you of anyone? Nobody but my EXO-L cousin that I unfriended months ago because of some unnecessary shade she posted about Jimin.

What’s the tempo of this song? I’m not sure, either.

❀ Song Four ❀

What's the song? Lilith, Halsey and Yoongi.

Have you ever seen this song performed live? I have not. Apparently Halsey’s already done this Diablo version *and* her original version live, but Yoongi hasn’t performed the Diablo version ever.

What is the name of the album this song is on? I’m not sure it has an album, actually. It’s just part of the Diablo IV soundtrack.

Does this song ever get stuck in your head? Occasionally.

❀ Song Five ❀

What's the song? Change pt.2, Namjoon.

Does this song have male or female vocals? Male.

Do you like the lyrics of this song? Yup, big fat yes here. For how short this song is, the lyrics get real and I love that a lot. You gotta admit it – don’t you get it still? Someday a great grief will do come for you, and you’ll know it too; you can’t love someone like I do, that’s all I can say to you.

Does this song remind you of any particular period of your life? It does, very strongly so, yes.

❀ Song Six ❀

What's the song? Haegeum, Yoongi.

Would you say this is one of your favourite songs? I mean it wouldn’t land in my Top 10 of BTS’ entire discography but I find the song great nonetheless. The music video drove me insane and I memorized the entire chorus so I can yell it back in entirety to Yoongi for the concert.

How many instruments are played in this song? Guitar, bass, drums, and the actual haegeum.

When did you first discover this song? Two months ago when it came out.

❀ Song Seven ❀

What's the song? Angel Pt. 1 with Jimin...and honestly, the list of artists in this song is too long I haven’t bothered to memorize the rest, lol.

Is this song a genre you would regularly listen to? Nope. The main rap style that’s like 80% of the song is actually pretty grating to me. I only stream it for Jimin’s part and the female artist who was in the song as well; she sounds amazing.

Has this song ever been in a popular chart like Billboard? Yes.

Is this song on any of your playlists? I don’t make playlists, but I’ve bookmarked a few playlists with this song in them.

❀ Song Eight ❀

What's the song? The Planet, BTS.

Do you like to sing along to this song? Yes. This is a great fun and upbeat song that always makes me a little happier when I listen to it, and I like it a lot that I’ll even mumble through the Korean parts hahaha.

What’s the emotion of this song? Upbeat, optimistic, cheerful.

Have you ever seen this artist perform live? Not as a whole, but I have watched Yoongi in concert.

❀ Song Nine ❀

What's the song? Equal Sign, Hobi.

Does this song have more than one singer? As far as I know it’s just Hobi in it, down to the backing vocals.

Do you know any other songs from the album this song is on? I know all the songs off of Jack in the Box.

Would you play this song at a party? It’s a bit too chill for a party! Maybe when the atmosphere kind of winds down towards the end? that’s the time I’d play it.

❀ Song Ten ❀

What's the song? Loser=Lover, TXT.

Is the artist who performs this song one of your favourites? I wouldn’t say they’re my favorites but I hold a soft spot for them. They’re BTS’ juniors and have so far been super unproblematic, so there’s nothing to dislike.

Do you know all the lyrics to this song? Nah, just the chorus.

Is there a music video for this song, and have you seen it? I actually haven’t checked but it should have one considering it’s a title track. Anyway, I looked it up on YouTube and yes they do have one for it haha. No, I haven’t seen it.

[a-moth-to-the-light]

maybe feelings aren't always so bad! (nov 30, 2022)

Spotify Wrapped

There are four days a year when I always get sentimental. Like really, REALLY sentimental. First is January 1, when I get all warm and fuzzy as I say goodbye to the old year; next is February 7, when I get to celebrate how long I've managed to keep myself alive. November 11 is the anniversary of an important moment in my life, and the fourth day is today--when Spotify Wrapped comes out. So I'm going to devote most of today's entry to being sentimental about music--I hope you enjoy!

Music is one of my great loves--the amount of minutes of listening I've managed to rack up this year (over 100,000!) speaks to that, I think. In college, I have a mental health accomodation that allows me to wear earbuds & listen to music in class, something I've been unofficially doing to manage my emotions for years now. Because of the mental health support music has so consistently provided me with, I can't imagine life without a soundtrack, and the songs I love are inescapably tied to the wonderfully full life I've lived since I began to grow into myself five years ago. What I'm trying to say is, Spotify Wrapped Day is my favorite holiday every year, and I hope you can see why!

[Image ID: Two screenshots of Spotify Wrapped, featuring Six's top songs and artists of the year.

Top Songs (in order from 1 to 5): Run2U by STAYC / Trucha by Chimbala, Secreto "El Fam..." / Maniac by Max Changmin / Devil by Max Changmin / Kokotsu ni Yamu. (feat. Takayan) by Alfakyun, takayan.

Top Artists (in order from 1 to 5): Red Velvet, Twice, Bad Suns, STAYC, Chung Ha. /. End ID.]

Not really any surprises in the songs category--every one of the five top songs made it onto either my Songs of the School Year or Songs of the Summer list, though the list is biased towards songs from earlier in the year, when I was using music for coping with a lot more frequency. In the summer, things got easier for me, and I also started to listen to podcasts & YouTube more frequently, which biases my Top 100 towards songs I really liked between January and March!

It's interesting to see "Run2U" here, because I wouldn't consider it my favorite of STAYC's releases this year! "247," my actual favorite, shows up later on my Top 100, but I wonder if I listened to "Run2U" more than I remember back in winter/spring! I loved it at first listen, so I wouldn't put it past me! "Trucha" is completely deserved--I love leaving this one on repeat, and it has aged beautifully, just like "Devil," which I'm overjoyed to see this high up! "Maniac" has lost a lot of its luster over the months, but the way it calls back to my favorite over-the-top rock songs is much appreciated! Finally, "Kokotsu ni Yamu" isn't the summer song I would have expected to make the top 5, but it makes a lot of sense in retrospect! It's such an appealing song to leave on repeat, with a soft but textured soundscape layered under gorgeous vocal performances (the whole album has really been growing on me because of Alfakyun's fascinating voice).

I'm surprised not to see "Mama Say" or "Old Me" or really any Betty Who high on the list--I feel like she's really defined my year! Though "Heartbreaker" by Bad Suns made it to my Top 100, I'm surprised it wasn't first or second, given how frequently I've come back to it throughout the year during bedroom-mirror karaoke sessions!

This is my third year straight of Red Velvet as my top artist, and my second year of having Red Velvet and Twice as my top two! I'm not surprised at all--though I don't listen to any one Twice song with super high frequency, I come back to their discography all the time! Red Velvet has the advantage of having a discography full of songs I find enjoyable, plus more than a few I'm absolutely obsessed with ("Really Bad Boy", "Zoo", and "Lady's Room", for starters!). Bad Suns is the one non-kpop non-girl act on the list, which is due to their absolutely wonderful Apocalypse Whenever, the (PINK!!!) album that soundtracked so many car rides to and from support group back in the spring & summer. STAYC is my favorite k-pop group, so were we expecting them not to be here? And I'm so proud to have Chung Ha on this list! I listen to her older stuff all the time, but this year's Bare&Rare, Pt. 1 is full of super fun songs that kept her in my queue all year!

I'm sure that Conan Gray, Betty Who, and Bruce Springsteen are lurking somewhere below the top 5! This year has been a Conan Gray renaissance for me--I created a self-soothing playlist which brought me back to Sunset Season (still an awesome EP!), which then led me to revisit "Maniac" and discover "Disaster"! And, of course, "Wish You Were Sober" is a classic!

I've been listening through my Top 100, so I'll talk more about that in my next entry! See you soon :)

the little dot thingies

I got a dot for leaving something unfinished--I realized I was too tired to do well on my astronomy homework, so I paused with about 15 questions left. It's not due until next week, but I was hoping to knock it out early--hopefully I'll feel up to trying again soon!

Also, I'm not sure if smiling at someone with all the affection you have stored up in your brain, trying to communicate pure sunshine, counts as flirting, but if it does I get a point for that, too!

things that make brain buzz

I've had a lot of trouble with brain fog recently--usually, my thoughts are pretty rapid-fire, but the brainspace has been quite sluggish this week. But then today, my mind exploded! Mostly, it's a lot of desire to write full pieces on things I've already thought about quite a bit--specifically, Flo Milli and Bruce Springsteen.

Flo Milli had me at the first "bitch, I'm from Alabama"--I don't know anything about her outside of her music, but I love how fully she embraces an obnoxious, frivolous teenage aesthetic. When I listen to "Not Friendly", I get to be the popular girl with the short plaid skirt without any of the guilt associated with being "too much" of a teenage girl.

And I've actually already written about Bruce Springsteen--I did a big essay on him about a year and a half ago, but I haven't posted it. Whether you're analyzing his portrayal of depression or his portrayal of capitalism, there's so much fun to be had with his discography! I've been a huge fan for a long time, and for an equally long time I've had this craving to dive even more into his work and express my gratitude for the songs that have helped me through scary depressive episodes the best way I can--through writing.

Quote of the Day

I WANNA BE A BIBLICALLY ACCURATE ROOMBA

-- me

#i can't decide if i want to post these the day of or the day after! any thoughts? #six keeps on running

[heygutlcss]

I know comparing the original movie to the new movie is like comparing apples and oranges, but I really wish that the a.ss.ault scene was a little more in line with the original.

Yes, it's fine that Graziella is there. There's pros and cons to that too, especially considering that she kind of instigates it and then backpedals when it becomes not a them or us situation, but a women's situation. It's the one plane per the movie that they can relate one ( though graziella is such a missed opportunity as a character, especially since during this time period a good chunk of Italian girls were doing pretty much anything to not be considered Italian. Legit there's an internment camp that mainly housed Italian Americans during the war and continued to house Italians and other immigrants during the Red Scare up until it's closure in 1954 only like a few miles away. Ellis island was not the best of places.) That's a whole other discussion though .

I think what's hard about this scene boils down to two major issues for me. The first being that they took music from the mambo sequence instead of replaying america. The original Broadway show( it's even on the vinyl record. I'll have to double check if it's on Spotify too. The soundtrack has been messed with over the years for what tracks stayed on and in what order) had a reprise of America playing during this particular scene.

This is important because most of the action within WSS takes place within the music and the dialogue. In the new movie that isn't really there. most of the action is just that. Action. Whole most of the original is there, the new movie cuts out some pretty significant lines throughout the feature.

Anita was the driving positive force about pro-Americanism and assimilating. This whole scene not only shows violence around woc but how that American Dream was never intended for a person like her and the show puts that in the hands of the whitest jets possible. Characters that were more ethnic nonwhite ( like diesel, a-rab, and tiger, sometime it was mouthpiece in tigers stead) were not present for the assault. They were doing what they what they were supposed to be doing: looking for Tony. The remaining Jets don't bother to send someone out to let everyone else know that they found him.

And remember that in both the 1961 movie and the 1957 show Anybodys is an active participant in what happened to Anita, only backing off at the very end just as Doc comes in to stop it coming to fruition. Right as they do the symbolic backflip of Anita Anybodys breaks away. This is also another discussion for a different post.

What bothers me most about the new movie is that they not only played the mambo music instead of America's reprise ( noted this was changed in the special editions of the 61 film as well) but they cut some very important dialogue that happens right after.

Noted, most reviews and scholarly articles cut this dialogue out of their arguments too. Because if that dialogue is brought to light then they can't blame 100% of the violent behavior of the jets on the jets.

Which, in Anita's case, you totally can and still include the dialogue. This dialogue is important because it showcases what drives people to do these unthinkable things and while environmental circumstances play a factor, it more so focuses on the adults around them. On their own abuse and reaction to being abused. On how grief is handled. On acting out and being alone. It also has a lot to say on the age old argument " it's your generation's fault that everything is bad as it is. In my day we didnt act like that. In my day the world was better because my generation was better ."

No one likes to admit fault in themselves especially when unspeakable acts are involved. But no one wants to admit that they handed the capability for the unspeakable down to the generation after them. They will just be disappointed when the next generation fails to do better. Does this justify what happened to Anita? Absolutely not and it never should have happened. She was a victim.

So when she utters I'm am a Puerto Rican, you should feel this deep sorrow for her and her dreams, her hopes, and her life. I certainly didn't feel that in any viewings of the movie. I just didn't hit the way it was meant to. You can tell kuschner tried very hard though . I deeply appreciate that.

The dialogue that's missing which was replaced by Valentina's speech also, while hitting home, didn't have an effect like it was supposed to.

I didn't and still don't have a strong attachment to the 61 film, so I can't say it's my rose tinted nostalgia glasses that make me think this way. I just think the original dialogue hits harder and has a lot more to say.

DOC: When do you kids stop? You make this world lousy!

ACTION: We didn't make it, Doc

Two lines. That's all that needs put back.

#ugly mobile post #ooc

[akocomyk]

This blog is full of sh*t turned 10 today!

Here’s a 10-item update about my life.

I’ve been pretty busy, at work and my personal stuff. Is it good or bad? The perfect answer would be both. Or… just good. Like, if you believe that the bad stuff in life has reasons and would eventually result in something good.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to prepare anything for this celebration. No 10-Year Anniversary This Game is Full of Contemplation. I mean, only one person successfully finished last year’s game, so… I’m not making any sequel for that until more people are able to finish the first one.

The elections did take a toll on my emotional and mental wellbeing. I couldn’t work properly during that time, and it resulted in me cramming one of my projects.

My sister got pregnant for six weeks, but they had to take the baby out because it was an ectopic pregnancy.

Someone has a crush on me, and wouldn’t let me go despite knowing that I’m not available.

I was in the Museum of Natural History about two weeks ago. It was my first time there.

If there’s one sequel I’m working on, I’m actually writing more “Letters to the Cosmos.” Remember that series I made a few years back?

I kinda binged Heartstopper on Netflix while working. I didn’t think I’d be hooked on the series, but I was wrong. I got a hangover from it for days. Now, I constantly listen to the show’s soundtrack on Spotify.

It’s been raining a lot—almost everyday. I kinda like the rain now more than the sun. It’s funny because I liked sunny days back then.

Not all of these are true. At least one of the items in this list is false, but this one is pretty much true. Don’t ask me because I won’t tell.

#tumblr birthday #tumblr milestone

[mercy-burning]

Losing You Twice / 1: If I Hated You

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: It’s Valentine’s Day weekend, and it turns out Y/N isn’t the only one struggling with the breakup. Category: Smut (18+), Angst Content Warnings: Language, drinking/getting drunk, penetrative/unprotected sex (If I missed anything, please let me know!) Word Count: 5,538

SERIES MASTERLIST | MASTERLIST

“My bedtime is the darkest, that’s when I’m brokenhearted. The nighttime is the hardest. It’d be easy, if I hated you.” —FLETCHER, If I Hated You

FEBRUARY 13th

It was Valentine's Day weekend, which sucked this time around. Every year for the past three years Y/N looked forward to Valentine's Day, but that was when she actually had someone to spend it with.

Well, someone she actually cared about, anyway... Whether or not Spencer actually knew it, she did really care about him. She was just stupid and didn't say it when he needed to hear it the most.

And now Valentine's Day was on Saturday and Y/N was still without him. Not alone, but still without the man who'd spent the significant holiday with her for the past three years. Memories of their dates and 'afterparties' flooded through her mind as she got ready for work like a montage, a cheesy love-song playlist she'd found on Spotify acting as the soundtrack.

Eventually she sighed and turned it off, opting for something more loud and obnoxious, and therefore not tainted by Spencer's memory. She applied what was left of her makeup and added a pair of earrings before turning the music off altogether and shoving her phone in her bag alongside her keys and other necessities.

Even though she wasn't emotionally prepared for all the cheesy Valentine's things she'd see and hear and experience throughout the weekend, it was still kind of nice to see that things in the bank never changed during the holidays— Everything in her life was so severely different at the moment, that if Marjorie had somehow decided to throw out all her elaborate decorations for each holiday, no matter how small, Y/N would have thought the world was truly ending.

Speaking of, she was met with Marjorie's brighter-than-the-sun smile almost immediately once she set her things in the breakroom.

"How's my little macaron this morning?" she chirped, Y/N chuckling slightly at the nickname— She brought macarons from the bakery down the street on her first birthday she spent at the bank, and ever since then, the older woman had adorned her with the namesake.

"She's alright, Marj... Better now that she's seen you..."

"That boy still on your mind, hon?"

Obviously Marjorie's intentions were good, but Y/N couldn't stand to think about the situation at all, least of all at work... So, setting her jacket on the rack, turned away so that her coworker wouldn't see the visible discomfort on her face, Y/N squeezed her eyes shut and cleared her throat. "So, what are your plans with Geno tomorrow night? Anything special?"

There was a brief pause before Marjorie cleared her throat as well. "Nothing short of our usual dinner plans, my dear. He's been so caught up with work at the Mill lately, I think we're just going to spend the night relaxing."

"Hm," Y/N said shortly, finally turning around and giving her the best smile she could. "Maybe I should take a page from your book and stay in..."

"You weren't going to?"

"No... Britt's been nagging me about getting out there so we're going out tomorrow night. We both haven't been single in a long time, so... Should be fun."

Marjorie didn't look convinced. Either way, she nodded with a smile and walked over to Y/N with something glittery and bright red in her hand— A cheap beaded necklace to clip her nametag onto. She draped it over Y/N's neck and patted her shoulders. "Well, I want you to have fun. And remember that you still have to come to work on Monday. Whatever shenanigans you get into should be reserved for Saturday night only so you can rest properly on Sunday, got it?"

Y/N laughed, thankful for the playful tone in Marjorie's voice. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Oh, I joke, I joke," the older woman said with a bright laugh, turning to walk out of the break room. "A little..."

The smile on Y/N's face only really lasted until after Marjorie was out of sight, then she went into her bag and clipped her nametag onto the red beaded necklace with a sigh.

Was she excited to have a good night out with Britt? Of course. Hell, had it been literally any other day of the year, she would have been practically bouncing off the walls with excitement at the idea of going out to a bar, letting men hit on her until she finally let one of them take her back to his place for the night.

But it just felt like it was too soon.

Either way, she was glad that she'd get to see Britt again, after she'd been on vacation for Christmas and New Year's to see her family and only got back a few weeks ago. She'd seen her on Facetime of course, and they met up once for coffee right after Britt got back from her trip, but a well-needed night out and quality time getting ready together was something that had been missing from their friendship for almost a year.

Y/N knew Britt would most likely spend her time trying to hook them up with end-of-the-night dates, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad...

Even still, sleeping alone the night before was probably one of the worst spells of loneliness she'd ever had. It was normal to be sad spending the first Valentine's Day in years away from a significant other, but knowing how things ended between them—bitter and stained with words left unsaid—this time was just... cold.

And that was putting it lightly.

Y/N laid in bed that night, her eyes wide open and staring at the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars that adorned the ceiling. They used to give her comfort, but now they just reminded her of all the nights she'd spend with Spencer, listening to him tell stories about the constellations. They were some of the most peaceful memories she had.

And now those, too—those stars that had grounded her pretty much all her life and reminded her of the better days—were tainted by her inability to properly communicate.

She almost thought about taking them down.

But if she was really going to get over him this time, for good, then she'd have to learn to make new memories with the stars. Even if it was painful. Even if replacing those memories and writing new ones over them absolutely tore her soul to pieces.

And, as if that pain wasn't enough, that night Y/N dreamt of him, making love to her amongst the stars in every galaxy, only to wake up the next morning cold and alone.

FEBRUARY 14th

She promptly decided that she hated his guts.

It was Valentine's Day, Y/N was respectfully buzzed, and courtesy of two beers and four shots of tequila, she'd just deleted Spencer's number from her phone.

"I'm done," she said, waving a hand at Britt and shoving her phone in her purse. "He doesn't deserve my wallowing."

"Yeah!"

Britt was significantly the more drunk of the two, resulting in a fit of giggles after gaining some stares from the people around them at her sudden outburst.

Y/N smiled, finishing off another shot and shaking her head. "We need more!"

"More shots!" Britt hurried off to grab them, leaving her friend behind with a half-drunken smile that also only felt half-genuine.

Sure, she decided she hated Spencer's guts, but her heart didn't exactly agree well with that sentiment. Even after deleting his number from her phone, after downing all that alcohol, her heart still ached.

Y/N knew deep down that getting over him was going to take some time. A lot of time... But maybe one night of distraction would help.

So the shots kept coming, and by the end of the night, Y/N was just about at her limit.

Which was near black-out drunk. And when you're that drunk you tend to make decisions you wouldn't soberly condone.

Britt got into a cab, and she begged Y/N to come with her, but she assured her friend that she had someone to come pick her up. Eventually the cab driver got tired of their inability to decide, and when Y/N told him to go, he did, leaving her alone on the side of the street at 1am.

Unfortunately, it was incredibly cold, and she didn't really have anyone to come pick her up. And that's where the bad decisions started.

Y/N pulled her phone out, a long sigh escaping her as she dialed the number by heart.

Would he even pick up? He hadn't answered any of her calls or texts before, so why would it have been any different now? Not to mention it was Valentine's Day Weekend. With her luck, he was probably in bed with someone else. Someone who wasn't her. As she listened to the dial tone repeating in her ear, images of him wrapped up with somebody else—sleeping in the bed she'd slept in many times before—clouded her drunken brain and made her more angry than anything.

Her gut twisted, and she almost hung up.

But then the low buzz of the dial tone abruptly stopped and in its place came his voice.

"Y/N?"

Her name on his lips, even through the phone, was grounding, the anger in her system melting away and revealing a coat of drunken relief.

"Spencer! You answered!"

"Yeah... Are you— Is everything okay?"

"Pff, yeah, 'm-fine. Just really fucking cold."

"You're not outside, are you?"

"Duh, I'm outside... I wouldn't be cold in-side... Besides, I didn't call t'alk bout the weather, I need you t'come pick me up."

There was a brief pause, and for a moment Y/N didn't think he was going to say anything she wanted to hear. She swayed on the sidewalk, shivering and praying that he would throw her a bone, even if she'd regret it all in the morning.

"Where are you?" he said finally, and despite herself, she smiled.

FEBRUARY 15th

Spencer couldn't believe he was picking her up at near two in the morning.

Honestly, he'd initially thought about ignoring her call again, but remembering the day it was and taking note of the time, he figured she was most likely in some type of inebriated trouble.

His instincts were right, of course, but he wished that he could have been wrong. He wished she'd only been calling to drunkenly ramble on about how she missed him or maybe how he was stupid and she never wanted to see his face ever again, because that was normal. At least then he could have hung up after she was done and never thought about it again— it was a normal step in any relationship that helped move things along. They could have gotten on with their lives and it would have all been over.

But of course it was never that simple.

Y/N was never that simple.

He pictured her on the street near some bar, alone and cold and drunk, and of course he would have been the only one she could call to rescue her. After all, he'd been pretty much the only thing she'd ever known to make her feel safe.

Still, he wished he was capable of only giving her a ride home and then leaving.

But again, it was never that simple.

It was easy getting her into the car— that wasn't what he was worried about. Rather, it was the fated moment where she'd ask him to stay after he finally got her tucked safely into bed that worried him. Because it was bad enough that it was Y/N... It was her in all her alluring glory, and he'd never been able to deny her anything no matter how badly he tried or wanted to.

Now add on the fact that she was drunk, and most likely sad on their first Valentine's Day apart, and it was a recipe for disaster.

Even if she'd broken his heart, Spencer still cared about her.

Which is why he inevitably agreed to stay, at least until she fell asleep.

He knew her well enough to know all the ways she'd try to get him under the covers with her, so it was a familiar amusement that settled in his being when he was finally able to get on top of the covers with her underneath. But as he entertained her silly little questions with the right answers until she fell asleep, Spencer noticed something else accompanying that amusement.

Guilt.

And then anger for feeling guilty about her sadness— sadness that could have been avoided had she just gotten over whatever was holding her back and either returned his "I love you" or  told him she wasn't feeling the same way just yet.

All she had to do was talk.

He had a right to feel upset about Y/N holding back when he'd been nothing but patient, spending almost every year of their relationship trying to make her see that she had nothing to be afraid of. He'd given her every chance to talk about what she was feeling, whether it was happy or not, and every time she pushed it all away in favor of sex.

That wasn't what he wanted in a relationship, so he ended it. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.

So why was he feeling so fucking guilty?

He blamed his good nature and innate need to please people, to make them feel good and happy. But he also blamed Y/N and her adorable drunken sleeping face.

He watched as she slept, willing himself not to forget the way she hurt him. She'd completely stolen his heart and shattered it at the same time, and if he was being honest, she still held some of the pieces. But he couldn't get them back, not if he didn't want to risk shattering her own heart in the process.

It felt like they were tied together by some strong, invisible force that wouldn't break unless both of them broke right along with it.

So... maybe he could afford to leave those pieces of his heart with her. He'd have to if they were going to get out of this alive. Not unscathed, sure, but alive nonetheless.

Once he was sure she was deep in sleep, Spencer quietly and carefully got off the bed and navigated through her apartment, getting her a glass of water and leaving it on the table next to her bed. And because he couldn't help it, he cleaned up some of the clothes that were scattered around her floor, depositing them into the hamper and straightening out a few more things that were out of place.

He looked over at her sleeping figure one more time, sighed, and then left, keeping her bedroom door open just a crack.

***

Spencer knew he shouldn't have stayed longer.

Despite his better judgement, he'd plopped himself down on her couch after making sure she was sound asleep, hoping to catch his breath and sort through what he was feeling before he got behind the wheel. But of course, it was 2am and he was exhausted, and he couldn't stop himself from closing his eyes and drifting off.

And now he was sitting up, looking around the apartment through the lens of morning.

Though the curtains were sheer, they didn't provide much light, but enough of it showed him just how familiar the space was. Y/N hadn't moved anything around. The same art was on the same walls, the potted ivy plant on her mantle sat un-watered and withering, and every book and record and DVD on her shelves was in the exact same spot as they'd all been the last time he was there in December.

Meanwhile, after the breakup he'd re-arranged everything. He was so sure that they were through for good this time around that he wanted a clean slate. Not that he wanted to rid himself of her memory completely, but if he was going to move on from the hold she'd had on him, he had to do something...

And yet, he ended up at her apartment the morning after Valentine's Day all the same.

He heard the shower running faintly a couple rooms away. You didn't have to pass the couch to get there, so maybe she hadn't seen him sleeping and he could get away cleanly.

Spencer scrambled off the couch, thankful that he hadn't removed his jacket or his shoes and that he could just sprint towards the door without having to find any of his belongings.

But as luck would have it, the second he took a step, the shower turned off. He had to get out of there quickly, but if he did then she'd definitely know he'd stayed overnight. But if he went quietly, he wouldn't have enough time before she caught him.

Maybe I could hide...

He shook the thought with a roll of his eyes, settling on the clearest course of action, which was to make as quick of a getaway as he could. He'd try to be quiet as well, though the creaky door was going to be nearly impossible to get through without a sound.

His hand was on the doorknob when he heard her voice.

"You didn't think you could spend the night and then leave without saying goodbye, did 'ja?"

The pure amusement in her tone made his stomach churn, and it wasn't unpleasant in the slightest.

Spencer turned and smiled softly, avoiding looking at her completely. "Sorry. Didn't want to bother you."

"You're never a bother."

That sentiment held less amusement and more sincerity, which was what guided his eyes to meet the woman who said the words.

His stomach twisted again when he saw her, exactly like he knew she'd be— wrapped in nothing but a thin towel with near-dripping hair cascading down her back. Her legs were bare and exposed, the towel not only thin but short, which meant that her chest was also practically spilling out of it. Despite the obvious and inevitable hungover look in her eye, there was also a good splash of that mischief that'd always been there— the kind that spelled out trouble.

He needed to get out of there.

"Well, um... I'm glad I got you home safe," he said, clearing his throat. "I should... I should go."

"You sure you don't wanna stay for breakfast?"

Spencer could have sworn she was teasing him, dangling her body in front of him like a meal they both knew he wouldn't be able to resist. But then she added, "I've got everything I need for your favorite omelet," and he exhaled with a small smile, exhausted with his own mind for convincing him that she was out to pull him back in.

Still, he declined. "No, I... I shouldn't. But, uh, thank you..."

"You sure?"

This time when he looked up at her, she was closer. She was gently striding forward to meet him, and he half thought about backing up towards the door until he realized he was already there.

"I—I'm sure. Really."

"But you drove around all night just to take me home when I was drunk, the least I can do is feed you..."

"Eh, it's alright. It's... Nothing I haven't done before."

She stopped then, her eyes briefly dropping to the floor. It was like her whole demeanor changed—just for a second—from the prowess she'd always been, to what seemed to be a woman filled with sadness and regret. It didn't last long though, just enough for Spencer to notice it before she looked back up at him with that wicked gleam in her eye and a remark right at the tip of her tongue.

"Still. I feel bad, making you do all that for me... Especially now."

He wasn't sure what to make of this... It seemed like she was sincere, but she was also alluring, calling to him like a siren leading him to his ultimate demise. And while he'd come to know that as merely a part of her nature, he couldn't help but shake the feeling that she was doing it on purpose.

She was in a skimpy towel, after all, and she definitely knew how to use that to her advantage.

It didn't help that he didn't have the courage to leave. Everything inside of him right then longed to drop that towel and indulge himself once more. Putting aside all the heartache and the differences they shared, all he felt in that moment was the need to touch her— to get lost in her and never be found again.

She was his fatal flaw, and it was painfully obvious.

Spencer knew he shouldn't have stayed longer...

He was over to her in just three strides, throwing off his jacket and tossing it aside before cradling her face with his hands and bringing their lips together for the first time since Christmas Eve.

The small whine in her throat signaled that she hadn't expected it, but welcomed it all the same. The moment she lifted her arms to wrap around his neck, the towel fell to the floor, and there was no going back.

"What about breakfast?" Y/N breathed out once they pulled away for air.

Spencer contemplated, studying her face, seeing the way her eyes sparkled, and decided on the two words that sealed his fate.

"Screw breakfast."

Their lips were melded together almost as soon as the words left his mouth. And it wasn't long before every other part of their bodies were melded together as well.

Y/N helped him take the rest of his clothes off as they danced around the entryway and the living room. Everything was open, no walls separating the living room from the kitchen, so to compensate for the lack of breakfast they'd be eating, they migrated to the kitchen counter once Spencer had off everything but his boxers.

He trapped her against the cool marble of the countertop, her back hitting it solid and sending a shiver up her spine. Meanwhile his hands roamed her body, unsure of where to be other than on her at all times, whether it be her waist, her stomach, her arms, her breasts, or her ass. He wanted to feel all of her, and quite frankly she wanted the same.

She even told him so, in her own way, by bringing one of her legs up and wrapping it around his waist, pulling him closer to her as she wove her fingers through his hair and tasted his tongue with her own.

The action elicited a groan from his mouth, low and desperate. Spencer settled his hands on her waist and gripped it tight, silently telling her what to do.

So she jumped up and he helped guide her swiftly onto the counter. Her legs instinctively wrapped around his waist again, and he found himself grinding into her hips, urgent to feel every part of her. And thankfully she was feeling rather desperate herself, because she rolled her hips up into him in return, breaking their mouths apart just briefly to speak.

"Fuck me..."

There was so much he wanted to say to her in that moment— how badly he was feeling about keeping her entertained while he was slowly deteriorating inside from her emotional detachment and rejection, how much she frustrated him, and more prominently, how she was so goddamn impatient and that he was getting there...

But all that he could manage was a broken, desperate whisper of her name.

It was all he'd ever known.

All that frustration... All that anger, heartache, passion, and time apart combined beautifully into those few syllables that made up her name and tore him apart from the inside out.

And his hands were just as destructive.

Spencer deftly dropped his boxers to the ground and pushed forward, almost losing all sense of self the moment the head of his dick finally made contact with her cunt. He made his way inside of her and then used both of his hands to grip her waist and bring her closer, their mouths connecting harshly as they found one another once again.

His grip was bruising— not possessive in any way, but desperate, like he had to cling to her for dear life or he wouldn't live to see another day. He held himself inside her, sighing and whimpering into her mouth as she clenched around him. It was so familiar, so comfortable and exhilarating that he almost didn't even want to move. He thought about staying there, still inside her forever.

But as always, Y/N was insatiable.

She wrapped all her limbs around him and held on, rolling her hips and seeking friction in any way possible when she briefly tore her lips away from his.

"I need you, baby, please..."

Even as his heart started to rumble in his chest, well aware of the fact that she still probably didn't love him the way he loved her, Spencer gave her everything. He pulled out and snapped his hips forward again, setting a strong, steady pace that had Y/N's eyes rolling back, and the payoff of hearing her sigh out his name was more than enough to keep him going.

Her nails dug deliciously into his shoulders, the faint sting adding something reminiscent of gasoline to a fire. The flames grew taller and brighter the more he fucked her, and with each gradual increase of volume and intensity, it was a wonder the whole kitchen around them hadn't literally burst into flames.

That's how they always were.

Together like this, so lost in the high of each others' bodies, it was easy to forget the things that made their relationship so hard. It was easy to let all the negativity slip away into the throes of pent-up, well-needed sex. The high they gave each other was merely that— A high...

A distraction.

And while that's exactly what Y/N needed, what she preferred in most cases, it's what Spencer recognized as completely unhealthy, despite his coming back to it every time.

It's also why he dreaded the moment ending. Because once they came down from the high, all that's left would be sadness, regret... Guilt... Their fire burned hot, brightly and wildly, but in the aftermath would lay only a thick layer of deadly smoke between them— hard to navigate, and nearly impossible to breathe in without suffocating.

So they simply burned and burned and burned...

Spencer gripped her so tight he was sure to leave her with bruising. And in turn Y/N dragged her nails down his back and dug them into his ass, her palm laying firmly over the muscles that aided in fucking her into the marbled surface. She whined out curses and moans, and he cried out broken whispers of her name, pet names, and curses alike.

Even once she'd come, he kept going, willing himself to hold on as long as he could. She whined into his ear at the overstimulation. And rather than keeping her legs wrapped around his body, she decided to spread them wide, perching her heels up on the counter as far as she could go and anchoring her fingers through his hair.

And though she might not have had enough orgasms in her to keep up with him, she welcomed it all the same—She welcomed the burn just as much as he did.

Even still, no fire can burn forever.

All concept of time was lost by the time Spencer finally collapsed forward, completely spent and barely standing on weak legs after coming twice. Y/N held onto him tightly to keep him upwards, lightly massaging his scalp with gentle fingers and closing her eyes as she focused on his breathing— the way it fanned over the skin of her bare shoulder and how it sounded, perfectly in time with hers...

It was the most peaceful she'd been in a long time.

She felt him pull out of her, the both of them groaning at the feeling, and a little at the mess it would make.

Spencer gently peeled his body off of hers, sniffing once and avoiding her eyes. "Sorry... You just got out of the shower..."

"It's fine," Y/N breathed. She begged him silently to look her in the eye, but he remained still... Most likely thinking. She could practically see the cogs turning in his brain.

So, in an effort to lighten the mood a bit, she added with a breathy laugh, "Besides... It's nothing I haven't done before."

The callback to his words—and memories of all the times they'd found themselves in this position before—got Spencer to laugh a little, but he still wouldn't meet her eyes.

Finally, he cleared his throat. "I'll... I'll grab the wipes?"

"Oh. Sure," Y/N returned with a thankful smile. It was hopeful, too, though the moment he was out of eyesight, it turned rather sad.

She'd known that behavior before, seen that hesitation in his movements and that sound in his voice.

It was guilt.

Regret.

Probably a bit of self-hatred, too.

When he returned, a pile of her clothes in hand and the bag of wipes on top, she took them from him with a kind smile and cleaned herself up while he put his clothes back on.

The silence was more uncomfortable than anything either of them had ever experienced.

So much so, that Y/N couldn't even muster up the courage to ask him to stay for breakfast— and she always did after one of their post-break hookups.

Maybe this time really was different.

Spencer was just at the door again when she stopped him.

"Thank you," she said. Her voice was so small, he almost didn't hear it. "For bringing me home..."

But he paused, turned, and finally looked her in the eye.

He almost sunk to his knees right there...

Seeing her, arms crossed like she was trying to keep warm, as her head hung low and she looked up at him through sad, hooded eyelids...

It reminded him of the woman he fell in love with.

But in his peripheral, he saw the towel on the floor and was reminded of the woman who'd shattered his heart.

Spencer cleared his throat. Once upon a time he might have returned her thanks with, Anytime, but... Honestly he wasn't sure there could ever be another time. For his sanity, he'd have to avoid 'anytime' at all costs.

So, he settled on, "You're welcome."

He was glad to see her return his kind smile with one of her own, even if it was tainted with sadness, and a small wave goodbye.

Maybe this time it would stick.

Even still, as he closed the door behind him and made his way to the parking lot, for some reason it didn't quite feel like goodbye.

And some of that deadly smoke that settled in his lungs as he drove further and further away from her apartment was inclined to agree.

***

Neither of them could sleep that night.

While Spencer stared out the window of the jet, a little annoyed to be called out on a case so late but at least thankful for the distraction, Y/N laid in bed, staring at the stars on her ceiling.

The same constellation caught their eye.

Columba.

The Dove.

She hadn't even meant to arrange the stars like that, but one night after a date, they were laying in her bed and Spencer pointed out that the cluster of plastic stars right in the corner of the ceiling looked like Columba.

Y/N fondly remembered Spencer telling her about how it was originally named to represent Noah's dove, which searched for dry land during the great biblical flood and returned carrying an olive branch to make news of its recession— of peace at last.

The memory made her smile. It tugged at her heart and made her dreams of him even more vivid.

All the same, Spencer noticed the constellation outside the jet window and remembered that same night. The smile on her face as he told her the story, the feel of her fingers gliding softly over the bare skin of his forearm...

It was the first night since he'd met her that he thought it.

I love her...

He almost told her then, too, but he was afraid it was too soon. So he refrained.

Looking back, Spencer was starting to regret that— Maybe without that extra time together, breaking up would have been easier. But instead, he gave her more time. He gave himself more time to fall deeper in love with her, and in the end it still wasn't enough.

Now they were both looking at the same constellation, one made of plastic and the other of gas, wondering if their flood would ever recede.

And in the event that it did... Who would be the dove, and what would be their olive branch?

“You know I dream about getting back together in the future, I could focus on you. But if I leave right now, I hope that you don’t find someone that touches you the way that I do...”

***

SERIES TAGLIST:   @reidyoulikeabook​ @yourmisosoup​ @fortheloveofcriminalminds​ @bellzo17​ @altsvu​ @flipperpenguins​ @mcumorningstar​

TAGS NOT WORKING: @reid-to-me @totallyclearwitch

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader smut #spencer reid smut #spencer reid angst #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds angst #losing you twice

[afrival]

Hetalia Characters and Their Music Tastes

I’ve been in the hetalia fandom for like a year now and I stg thinking abt what these bitches listen to NEVER gets old

no warnings

will feature mostly modern day music, like 1950s-2010s

I don’t know a lot of artists that don’t sing in English so there’s probably A LOT that I’m missing on here, not even including shit from like the 1800s

The Allies

Alfred:

Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood, The Chain by Fleetwood Mac, Crazy In Love by Beyoncé

- Listens to basically everything, but particular fond of like 80s rock and early 2000s shit

- Likes country music bc ofc he does, a huge fan of Carrie Underwood, Sam Hunt, and The Band Perry

- Got his love of rock from England 💀 Especially during the like the 60s-80s when Queen, The Beatles, and Elton John really popular

- They really only bond over their love for this period of music lmao like they would absolutely go ape during karaoke

- He loves more mainstream artists like Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, all those iconic mfs

- Probably enjoys old wartime music just for nostalgias sake. Shit from the 40s and he listens to Civil War tunes (Union Dixie lmao)

- Definitely listens to musicals and forces Ivan to as well. His favorites are Hamilton, Hairspray, and Chess

- LOVES LOVES LOVES The Backstreet Bogs holy shit. This man had a whole phase where he dressed like they did. Don’t even dare play I Want It That Way because he WILL sing along

- Speaking of which he’s actually a really good singer, like he probably used to sing at clubs and shit back in the day

- It’s very specific but I imagine his voice to sound like Taron Egerton’s cover of “Crocodile Rock” by Elton John

Arthur:

Killer Queen by Queen, Set Fire to the Rain by Adele, Tiny Dancer by Elton John

- Old man who had a weird punk phase in the 90s. Definitely listens to The Beatles and Gorillaz

- Like I said, he and Alfred bond over Queen and Elton and Bon Jovi and FUCKING Michael Jackson

- Refuses to admit he really likes Elvis

- Oh boy. He had so much fun in like late 2000s and early 2010s— Panic at the Disco, MCR, Green Day, he absolutely got his ears pierced during this time

- Doesn’t listen to like current mainstream music that much he will sob to Adele and probably really likes the Cry Baby album by Melanie Martinez.

- Francis plays so much Lady Gaga in the car that at this point he really likes her music

- He likes Ed Sheeran I am so sorry </3 and he absolutely gets bullied for it

- He can sing too honestly? I know I just said he listens to Ed Sheeran but I honestly think he kinda sounds like him too just maybe a little deeper

- Listen to Galway Girl and you’ll get a basic idea of what I imagine he sounds like

Ivan:

Dance and Cry by Mother Mother, Baby One More Time by Britney Spears, смерти Больше нет by IC3PEAK

- THIS MANS MUSIC TASTE MAKES NO SENSE. It ranges from fucking Aerosmith to Ic3peak to Lady Gaga

- Literally has every Mother Mother album downloaded and probably on Vinyl bc he’s a fucking dweeb

- Also a huge musical stannie, loves Wicked and Hairspray

- He and Al will split the parts to sing along to in the car

- Alfred made him listen to Britney Spears ONCE in like the 90s and now he’s obsessed

- Speaking of the 90s he went absolutely fucking ape during this time. The USSR wasn’t very big on western music but when it fell there was a HUGE influx of it and suddenly like it was just his favorite thing ever

- Alfred also got him into Carrie Underwood, literally lost of his music taste comes from Alfred forcing him to listen to shit

- During the 70s/80s he got really into Fleetwood Mac and Aerosmith, maybe even a little bit of disco but not a lot

- Went to a club with Al a few times and he won’t ever forget dancing to Footloose by Kenny Loggins at like one in the morning and having the absolute time of his life, easily one of his favorite memories

- Like I get so soft thinking about him just letting loose and actually having fun, even though he was very stiff and shit during the 1900s

- He can’t sing LMAO but my friend and I said once that he could lowkey rap really well and now it’s all I think about

Francis:

From Eden by Hozier, La Vie En Rose by Edith Piaf, Primadona by Marina

- If you look up the gay agenda his playlist would just show up

- I mean seriously he has it all: Lana Del Rey, Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and Lorde

- HOWEVER she does really enjoy softer sounding music. Edith Piaf, Louis Armstrong, and Vera Lynn are favorites of his

- Listens to the Les Mis soundtrack like once a month

- REALLY REALLY loves Hozier, like a whole lot. He’s probably one of his favorite artists along with Sufjan Stevens

- Even more of his homo playlist includes Marina, Madonna and Troye Sivan

- Bullies Arthur for liking Ed Sheeran but he also really likes Ed Sheeran, just refuses to admit it

- Stromae ofc 🙄🤚 can’t just not include like the most popular French musician or whatever

- He can also sing but he sounds kinda raspy, it’s nice tho

Yao:

- I don’t think he listens to music LMAO, if he does it’s probably instrumental

The Axis

Ludwig:

Elastic Heart by Sia, From Now On from The Greatest Showman, Natural by Imagine Dragons

- Also doesn’t really listen to music but my friend said that when he does it ranges from classical to heavy metal

- For some reason I think he really likes Sia, he seems like a Sia kind of guy

- Doesn’t listen to Hozier but really loves Take Me to Church

- Most of his music listening comes from giving Feli the aux in the car

- The whore listens to Imagine Dragons like he fucking loves them

- When The Greatest Showman came out he had the soundtrack on repeat for a solid month, From Now Onis one of his favorite songs ever

- Cannot sing Jesus Christ do not let him near a mic

Feliciano:

Thank u, next by Ariana Grande, Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder, Bella Ciao by Manu Pillas

- Pop music! So much pop!

- Loves Ariana Grande and Conan Gray

- Probably listens to A LOT of classical because of his time with Austria

- His music taste is kinda all over the fucking place and it’s mostly happy and peppy shit

- Weirdly tho he listens to GRLwood? Like it’ll just shhow up on shuffle and suddenly he’s an entire different person

- Will listen to absolutely everything just to find something that Ludwig likes, was so proud of himself when Ludwig really ended up loving The Greatest Showman

- Doesn’t sing but plays like 5 instruments. Violin and piano are his faves

Kiku:

It’s Been So Long by The Living Tombstone, Faded by Alan Walker, Ophelia by The Lumineers

- LISTEN. LISTEN. HE LOVES VIDEO GAME MUSIC AND FUCKING THE LIVING TOMBSTONE

- The fnaf songs are his guilty fucking pleasures, he fucking loves them

- Loves loves loves the Undertake Soundtrack

- Listens to a lot of anime openings 💀 Me too tbh they’re so good at for what

- Big fan of TheFatRat

- In general he enjoys techno shit? Idk what the word is but it’s a lot of instrumental

- Listens to regular music as well (The Lumineers especially)

- Likes listening to Elvis because it makes him happy to see Alfred having fun

- Feli also introduces him to a lot of music but he can never fucking remember the names of the songs or artists

- He hums a lot rather than sings, and it’s really soft and gentle

If anybody wants any more characters lmk bc I love coming up with these, also I do have playlists for these bitches 😎✌️ Spotify is in my linktree (bio)

#hetalia #aph russia #aph america #aph england #aph france #aph japan #aph italy #aph germany #hetalia headcanons #alfred f jones #arthur kirkland #francis bonnefoy #ivan braginsky #feliciano vargas #ludwig beilschmidt #kiku honda #rusame #hetalia world stars #itapan #gerita #fruk #kenshcs

[imathers]

TMC 01: The Soundtrack of My Life

So apparently Spotify embeds just don’t work on the tumblr dashboard, even though if I go see the post on its own I can see my mix embedded just below this paragraph. If you can’t, well, here’s the mix.

So I’m doing a mixtape club thing again, thanks to some friends here. For your inaugural mix you can either do the theme everyone else is doing or(/and, but this time I only had time/energy for one) a sort of introductory “soundtrack of your life” type mix. Guess which one I did? Not sure I’ll do notes for these every time, but I feel like this one kinda makes zero sense without at least some context, so that’s under the cut. It’s also bigger than I tend to make mixes, 21 songs and 94 minutes. But believe me, I cut a lot. And yes, it is pretty entirely white dude music. I do love plenty of other stuff, but not as centrally as this stuff; yes, I have a lot of thoughts about that too. Details under the cut, and apologies to those on mobile if that still doesn’t register cuts.

01. The Beatles — “Oh! Darling”

I know! The Beatles. And not even a track that would make my top 20 Beatles songs. But one of my first music memories, I think both before and after my parents split up when my brother and I were in the middle of second grade, was my dad singing the beginning of this song as he did the dishes or what have you. He also sometimes did “If I Fell”, but I feel like that was more post-split. And maybe “The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill”? To the extent that years later I was kind of surprised to find out those were Beatles songs; they were Dad songs first.

02. Van Morrison — “Domino”

My dad was easily the parent more into music, the one with the stereo system and the vinyl (and, relatively early, CD) collection. I’m not sure how much he gets into new stuff these days (he’s 70 this year!) but he did for a longer time than most, ordering anything in the Columbia House catalog that had an interesting review in the Toronto Star (this is why he has a CD copy of the Cure’s Disintegration, a record I am pretty sure I love more than he does). I tried not to go too overboard with the music I got from him here (so there’s no: Allman Brothers Band, the Clash, Neil Young, Talking Heads, Elvis Costello, etc), but I didn’t feel like I could skip Van Morrison, because he listened to so much of it that one of my few mild, unconscious forms of teenage rebellion was becoming convinced around the time I went to university that I didn’t like Morrison’s voice or music. But I did, and I have the memories of jumping around our living room to “Domino” to prove it. Morrison’s “Everyone” in The Royal Tenenbaums suddenly thawed my feelings towards Van the Man (and made me want to call my dad), and the first time I played His Band and the Street Choir after was just a shot of pure childhood nostalgia.

03. Blue Rodeo — “Rose Coloured Glasses”

If this was a list of movies instead of songs, my mom would be far more prominent (and in fact I don’t know what I’d put related to my dad who, and I do not understand this, “doesn’t like movies”). Their split was amicable but the years after were, if less rough than a lot of divorces, not always great. I remember sitting in my mom’s apartment feeling actively anxious about how things were going to work out, listening to my mom’s copy of Outskirts on vinyl, listening to the first songs I noticed as being about difficult, ‘adult’ situations. Even then it seemed to me that this song isn’t critical of this woman who thinks that “love could save us all” so much as it presents our narrator as someone who is too hurt and afraid to allow himself to think she might be right. Or that it’s worth trying, anyway. (And even in the early 90s it already felt like we were in “a world that’s tired and scared of living on the edge too long”... a feeling that has come back with a vengeance if it ever left.) Also, even more than just the song, the video gives me such precise, almost hallucinatory flashbacks to the feeling and texture of that apartment and that time in my life.

04. Crowded House — “Love This Life”

Growing up in a small town with no music store and little radio, I was dependent for a long time on what my parents had, then eventually MuchMusic. So the copy of Termple of Low Men I played over and over was my dad’s, but it kind of felt like some of the first music that was ‘mine’. It was a record that unlocked certain things for me (hell, I wrote an essay on “Into Temptation”, uh... 15 years ago), but this was always my favourite, the one I was first surprised and then pissed to find wasn’t on the (otherwise pretty flawless!) Recurring Dream best-of comp. Something about the ambiguity? Maybe I was a tiny philosophy major already. “Here’s something that you can do, even if you think that I hate you” is still stuck somewhere in my head.

05. R.E.M. — “Country Feedback”

This is not here for the intense relationship it has to depression in my own mental cosmology. Certainly when I first heard it as a kid who had recently discovered the concept of “favourite song” and had decided “Losing My Religion” was it, I was not depressed and did not know what that was. I’ve said many times before that R.E.M. were my favourite band before I got old enough to realize that was something I actually had a say in. But maybe partly because of my particular age I’m not strictly orthodox about them; for me, the period spanning Out of Time through to Reveal is the band I love. When I started listening to all the R.E.M. CDs we had around as a kid “Country Feedback” immediately had some sort of hold on me. It didn’t feel good, exactly, but I couldn’t turn away. Now it feels like some sort of fucked-up premonition. “A hotline, a wanted ad, it's crazy what you could've had.” A haunting.

06. The Tragically Hip — “Nautical Disaster”

I spent a lot of late grade school/early high school playing endless games of Freecell, Minesweeper, etc. on our home computer listening to music. A lot of that was Tragically Hip records, most especially and eternally Day For Night, which was simply on another level from the other rock records I had access to at the time. Both viscerally, and just on a... craft level? “Nautical Disaster” still blows me away, I almost can’t talk about it. I had that record so imprinted on me that it feels like I could write a book on how the guitar tone makes me feel, or the drumming, or the vocals.

07. Radiohead — “High and Dry”

You know those songs you hear as a kid and they really speak to you, and then decades later you hear how fucking true they were in a totally different way? It was a little later that a Radiohead song would give me the moment that turned me from someone who listened to a lot of music into whatever I am now (and I don’t even like that other song that much), but thanks to MuchMusic I was already hearing this song and the other singles from The Bends on a loop. The first song on here where nobody else in my family owned a copy of it. “Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?” I had no fucking clue.

08. Mogwai — “Cody”

One of the many things getting obsessed with Radiohead did was get me reading the freshly-online review archives at places like the NME, and I became maybe the only kid in my high school saving up to buy Mogwai, Super Furry Animals, and Spiritualized records on trips to places with record stores. At one point a friend asked me to make him an actual mixed tape. The result was different enough from what everyone around me had access to that the tape wound up played to and copied for a bunch of people and I became known, not unkindly, as “the weird music guy”. My best high school friend Pete and I were the two in our friend group the most into similar music and we definitely drove around in his parents’ van blasting the loud bits of Young Team and stuff like that, but as I said elsewhere recently, late high school was also just a lot of me laying on my bed playing the often wrenchingly sad Come on Die Young (my friend Isabelle gets it) on repeat and wondering what leaving the only town I remembered living in and going to university was going to be like. A record I did not get when I first bought it, but I had nothing else to fucking listen to so I just kept playing it and then one day I woke up and it’s suddenly probably top ten of all time for me. 

09. The Delgados — “American Trilogy”

God bless The Wedge. I have been luckier with depression than a lot of people I love, and back in 2000 I could honestly say I’d never felt it, but of course there’s always teenage angst. And then this fucking video comes on and I’m just slack-jawed staring at my tiny bedroom TV, nailed to my seat by this song. I have a playlist now of songs that I feel uncomfortable admitting hit this close to home, not necessarily at all related to how I actually interact with people or how I’m perceived, but how it feels in here sometimes. And yet there’s something hopeful here, right? Or maybe not; some days I feel like I can’t tell whether it’s genuine resilience or self-abnegation. “I’m alright now, I’m just thinking what to say.”

10. Underworld — “Push Upstairs”

But no, as i kind of indicated already, high school wasn’t just pining in bedrooms. For two small town kids with literally nowhere to dance, Pete and I sure got into techno. It helped he went on the our school’s Art History trip to Europe (still wish I’d been able to go) and came back with a bunch of CDs by Orbital, Laurent Garnier, Pete Namlook, etc. One of the first unfiltered inklings I got that some of this was also going to be my music was “Push Upstairs” on MuchMusic, a song that seethed and hectored in ways that, while you could definitely dance to it, seemed to go beyond that. Underworld, specifically, have been massively important to me ever since (still are). 

11. Readymade — “Hamburg”

I got really into Plumtree somehow (the ones who did “Scott Pilgrim”, yes that’s where the name was and believe me I laughed when I first saw the comic), enough to mail order their three albums (all of which rule) from Endearing Records, their label. Since this was expensive and I think also because I had gone to university and started writing about music at U of Guelph’s student newspaper, I wound up getting at least one record from Vancouver’s Readymade, since I tended to like shoegaze-y stuff (Slowdive probably should be on here too, ah well). And eventually they sent me a copy of their first record after I wrote something, because I remember that was the first time I had the feeling of getting something valuable for something I’d wrote. That record, The Dramatic Balanced By, is still my go-to answer for favourite record of all time (and one I was shocked to find on Spotify). I own multiple CD copies, just in case. I once saw it in an HMV discount bin for $1.99 and badgered my dad into buying it just in case he liked it/for another spare copy. Someday, if they have a funeral for me, one of my few wishes is that they play “Hamburg” during it and ask everyone to just sit and listen and think about me.

12. New Order — “Ceremony”

If getting into music that your parents (etc.) didn’t know was one kind of weird at first, realizing there was music from their own pasts that they didn’t know about or didn’t like and discovering that was a whole other kind of weird. Getting the New Order Substance in the Guelph HMV felt like it changed my life, let alone subsequently getting into Joy Division. I have some of the single art from “Ceremony” tattooed on the back of my right calf, both for the song itself and because it’s the only one both bands played (in one sense). Anaïs and I semi-joke sometimes about how we both used to think Joy Division was the better of the two and then we grew up/got healthier, and while we both still love those records intensely we do also feel like it’s probably a good sign we both prefer New Order. She used the phrase “the perfect Joy Division room in the New Order house of our lives” once and it stuck. What "Ceremony” means to me... it’s too big.

13. Constantines — “Saint You”

I feel fortunate to have gone to Guelph when Constantines were starting, to see them in the grad lounge on a whim very early and insist they all sign the set list I asked to keep because I swore they were going to be something important. To start going to the shows they hosted at 106 Huron Street where most of them lived, to get to one show at Ed Video downtown at see them still assembling those original first albums, before the jewel case ones that show the cardboard packaging they used (we helped them cut up some cardboard). One of the great rock bands of my life; my dad attended Hillside one year and if I still had my old phone I’d have his voicemail from Guelph Island late at night telling me he thought they were the future of rock and roll. They kind of were, right? I knew I had to have something from Constantines, but why this one? Because the house shows and the long nights and the walking home alone were like this too, maybe more like this.

14. Low — “Shame”

I have a big ol’ Low tattoo on my back, let’s get that out of the way. I thought it over a lot before getting it; generally speaking, band tattoos for bands that are still going are risky (given how I feel about Double Negative and HEY WHAT, though, it worked out ok). They’ve come a tremendously long way since “Shame”, and I’d argue they’re one of the few with that kind of history to never really set a foot wrong, but I still remember downloading this and “Two-Step” and “Starfire”, eager to directly hear this weird band I’d heard so much about. They’ve taught me a lot, Alan Sparhawk in particular. And, no parasocial, but getting to actually see more of him just as a person and interact with him on Twitter is one of the few decent things about that hellsite (people from tumblr I’m mutuals with there are one of the others). Someday it will all make sense.

15. The National — “City Middle”

Before I put this together on Spotify this was my last cut, it being too similar to a more specific song that was also ‘about’ this period/feeling in my life. But even though Jens Lekman is on there, Oh You’re So Silent Jens isn’t, so I brought back in “City Middle” instead of “Black Cab”. The latter is the only song I know to so precisely nail the particular feeling of many of my nights during my long, single interregnum between my undergrad and being with the person I wound up marrying. “City Middle” is equally precise, but it’s kind of about the beginning of those nights, not the end, the good parts and then the part where the fear sets in. You have weird memories, and when something kicks in, it’s the wrong thing.

16. Los Campesinos! — “My Year in Lists”

I was at the first North American Los Campesinos! show (that Hillside festival again) and I’ve gone to every one in Ontario I can manage since (and once in New York). I forget the exact wording, but either the band or someone writing about them early on (possibly Kieron Glllen in Phonogram which is... a whole other giant thing) basically said they were never going to be huge, but they would be huge to everyone who was on their wavelength. A lot has changed over the years (and I’ll argue for every album, maybe especially their last one Sick Scenes, which has a couple of their songs I take most personally), but I can’t imagine what would have to happen for LC! not to be one of My Bands.

17. Talk Talk — “Inheritance”

Since we’re long out of school and just into the sprawling mess of adulthood, we really are just wrapping up a few artists who didn’t so much mark specific periods of life/growth and just ones that have become totally central to me. Nick Southall, a friend and also the person responsible by proxy for pretty much every writing gig I’ve ever had, wrote a beautiful essay back in the day on Talk Talk’s Spirit of Eden, a record I’d never heard of and a band I barely had. I actually really love the early synthpop Talk Talk stuff now, but as a good chunk of my listening gravitated towards more abstract, less immediate stuff, to suddenly be gifted with Spirit of Eden and Laughing Stock and Mark Hollis and all the stuff that those records led to... I was raised without religion and I’m still without religion, but (including Mark Hollis and Alan and Mimi from Low) some of the creators that have resonated the most deeply with me have been people of faith, who take that faith very seriously. It feels almost obscene to split off some chunk of Spirit of Eden, especially considering how Hollis felt about some of the uses other people put their music to. Ah well. “I love sound. And I love silence. And, in a way, I love silence more.”

18. Coil — “Batwings (A Limnal Hymn)”

Two pieces of liturgical music? In a row? This far into this mix? In this economy? A while back I embarked on a very slow moving project to go through and sort and organize all of the music in my computer, all 91 days and 4 hours of it (plus whatever I haven’t put into used-to-be-iTunes yet). I’m done my first pass through the Ds and am going through all the stuff that takes more thought (including the complete discographies of David Bowie (almost done!) and Depeche Mode (haven’t touched it yet!) plus whatever has come in from A-C since I started D). I am reasonably sure I will be doing it for years, perhaps forever. But when I get time to work on it, there are few things I enjoy more. A big surprise was that this process made me go from someone who had a Coil comp and some albums to someone who has 279 songs, close to 33 hours, of their music. And, honestly, even though I like their many different phases, it’s all because the less-industrial disc of that first compilation I bought had “Batwings (A Limnal Hymn)” on it. If the tones seem a bit harsh at first, or it feels like it’s starting a bit slow, I promise it’s worth it for when Jhon Balance (who’ll fall) starts singing. This should really be something from astonishing live album ...and the ambulance died in his arms, but that’s not on Spotify (it was the first thing I checked, long before this mix was even half ready). 

19. Spanish Love Songs — “Losers 2″

My twin brother and I have shared a lot of music over the years, but despite significant overlap it’s safe to say a lot of our most cherished bands etc. are ones the other likes but maybe not as intensely. So when he messaged me out of the blue one day last year telling me I had to hear this song, that was already significant, but when I fucking played it.... I had never heard of these guys and he told me later that the record before this, Schmaltz, had been tremendously personally important for him the last little while (it’s also astonishing). But all of Brave Faces Everyone, and especially “Losers 2″ both for what it is and how I heard it, just hit me where I live in a way that you can only hope you get every so often as you get older. And Ben knew it would, which is its own extra wonderful part of it. The first time through, "now if we weren't bailed out every time by our parents we'd be dead / what's gonna happen when they're dead?" left me gasping.

20. Paul Buchanan — “Buy a Motor Car”

I wish more people listened to the Blue Nile. Another band around for most of my life (Hats came out in 1989!) who I didn’t really hear until I was in my 30s, and since then they’ve just bloomed in importance for me. Sometime after their fourth record, one of the three guys in the band just stopped talking to the other two. The other two have played shows under singer Paul Buchanan’s name, and he’s been pretty upfront about the way they don’t really understand what happened. I was working (too much) one night recently and got into these short song documentaries a Dutch TV channel popped onto YouTube. My absolute favourite, which at the time moved me nearly to tears, is Buchanan talking about “Tinseltown in the Rain”. But really it’s about what it’s like to look back on life, not really wanting to go back, but the powerful melancholy of feeling that some things are just... unrecoverable. “Funny coming back. Ghosts of yourself, y’know.” (John Gardner, Grendel: “The nature of evil may be epitomized, therefore, in two simple but horrible and holy propositions: ‘Things fade’ and ‘Alternatives exclude’.”) It was after seeing that video that I found out Buchanan had done one solo album, which stands in relation to the Blue Nile records the same way Mark Hollis does to Talk Talk’s records. I don’t listen to so much sad music because I, myself, am sad (or at least not only then or for that reason); I’m very happily married and doing well in many respects and enjoy most days. There’s something else in sad music that resonates with me, and the most recent example of that is Mid Air. Maybe this track in particular. “This song is called ‘Buy a Motor Car’. And, as far as I can tell, it’s about claustrophobia.”

21. Cory Hanson — “Pale Horse Rider”

“Buy a Motor Car” was the last song in the mix. It was done, I was going to write it up last week. Then, unexpectedly, over just a few days our cat got very sick and died. When we got home from the vet hospital still in shock, still crying, me moving around trying to balance not leaving her things out to wound us the next time we saw them against not making it seem like she’d never been here, I had this song in my head. A song about the comfort of mortality but simultaneously a howl against the brute fact of it. I told Anaïs I couldn’t stop hearing it. “Maybe you should put it in your mix,” she said.

Thanks for listening.

#mixes #personal #the mixtape concern #music

[neonsamurai]

Last 10 Songs on Shuffle <3

got tagged by : @elowmojo and @parviocula i think there was one person more...but i forgot to save it x-x

RULES:

you can usually tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to! put your music library on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then tag people if you LIKE!

and because this fuckin thing was a small ride for myself i put a bit more efford in this post <3

I dont have Spotify so my list of songs on my phone dates back like....8 Years .. so...i got quite a few suprises because i mostly hear the songs i added recntly or made playlists with

The Songs :

1 Innerpartysystem - American Trash

Got this song recomended by @cerealism here on tumblr AGES ago..., i wonder if they still remember me sometimes..

THIS SONG GOES STRAIGHT INTO MY V PLAYLIST

2 Gazelle Twin & Trash Generation - History

I laughed that this came up because i diddnt expect something recent to come up ( i just dropped it in the list)

3 Silent Hill 2 - Promise (Reprise)

Pretty much explains itself...its like a Dino or Fossil on my phone ...lol

4 Off - Pepper Steak (Remix)

FUCK ME this one was a massive whiplash! Off fuckin walked so Undertale (wich i DONT like) could run! t(-.-t ...but yeah thats what i mean with my phone is Pandoras Box lol

5 Sims 1 Soundtrack -Build Track 6

Speaking of fossils...*cough cough* but for real....the Sims 1 Soundtrack is one of the best Soundtracks in Videogame History and you can fight me on that

6 ShiKi "Rouge" Soundtrack - Mosaic

The best Horror Anime / Manga ive ever Saw/Read with one of the best Anime Soundtracks you will ever witness....its... special in its Calm yet...Eerie songs..hauntingly Beautiful..

7 Celldweller - Tragedy

what can i say? when i heard this was a cover of a Bee Gee Song i fuckin wheezed my ass off! XD i love it!!! Original Song

8 Cyberpunk Soundtrack - Everything they fear is V

...as they fuckin Should...

9 Globus - Orchid of Mines

i could link a better version but.... 10 years ago i saw this Fullmetal Alchemist Amv and it made me Cry like a fuckin baby..., i just watched it again and i still get goosebumps all over..

10 Utada Hikaru - Beautiful World

*simply cries in love for Neon Genesis Evangelion pressing kaworu shikishi against my chest*

Listening to those songs today outside doing stuff almost brought me to tears a few times ^^"... i wonder what this snippit of music says about me... specially cuz i know how much more music i have in even more genre variety ..

I tag : @ladyizunia @angelwhispersunknown @kerrybearodyne @folyxfanart

#personal #music #dunno what i should tag this #or if people even care #i poured way to much work into this lmao #but....it felt good #travling to time and looking at the music a bit closer #take from this what you will #if you like anime.. WATCH THE FMA AMV!!! #WATCH SHI KI #guess thats all i have to say

[pebblysand]

of breakable clay [extended author's notes on chapter viii of castles]

oh my god. it’s out. jesus christ.

okay first off, before i dive into anything, i know i’ve already done this in the actual a/n but i would like to wholeheartedly thank @whiffingbooks over on discord for helping me with figuring out the structure of things fic. although i have to admit i did not, at all, do what i told you i would do, talking it out was massively helpful in figuring this one out, so thanks a million. secondly, i would like send all of my most sincere and affectionate thanks to @whizzfizz on here, who mother-of-god basically designed this entire chapter and listened to me rant, and rant, and rant about it for days on end without complaining. i’ll go into a bit more depth later on, but THANK YOU.

now, a few facts on this chapter before i dive further in:

wordcount: 19168. i legit would apologise for this but i promised i wouldn’t so i’m not going to. that’s growing up people. don’t apologise for yourselves haha.

soundtrack: so i’ve never mentioned this but each chapter kind of has a soundtrack? like a song that i listened to on loop while writing this. here, i would basically point you to the entire spotify of a band called barns courtney (there’s one album and a few eps), i basically listened to all of their songs on loop this past month. i feel like they have such a strong gryffindor energy, in the good, the bad and the ugly. this chapter is definitely sort of an ode to gryffindors so their music was a very big inspo. if i had to point you to one song, it would probably be dopamine.

favourite line: ‘I dig my fingernails into the inside of my palms and it feels like the blood that comes out is already boiling.’

what is this chapter about? now, that’s an easy one. survival.

okay, now, spoilers under the cut.

ugh. holy fucking shit. i’m actually at a stage right now where i strongly believe that no one on earth will want to read this because everyone probably hates me right now for the choices that i made, especially after i made you wait almost three months for this shit. i always feel like whatever i’ve put out was the hardest chapter to write so far but this one was really out there in terms of struggles - i’m really sorry it took so long, but here we are.

there are reasons, though. first, as i said in my may round up, i didn’t really start writing this until about a month ago, because a lot of things were happening in my life that i needed to take care of. i took exams (which i passed!!!!), my mum had a health emergency, ireland added france to their mandatory quarantine list (it has been removed as of yesterday thank. fucking. christ) and i started a new job. it was a lot.

anyway, this being said, when i did get to writing this chapter, as mentioned above in the thank-you section, i kind of first struggled with the structure of it. now, you will see this is a recurring theme this time around but for this, my instincts were telling me one thing, and my brain was saying something else.

basically, what came first here wasn’t the actual content of ginny’s letters (more on that, obviously, in a minute) but the ‘mood’ i wanted for the chapter. i wanted to recreate, both for harry and for the reader, this sort of idea of being completely immersed in a book or a story. like, you know the kind of mood where reality just kind of blends out, where you start reading something and just. cannot. stop. i don’t think he’s much a reader (at least not canonically) and so i wanted this to take him by surprise, for her to take over his life with her words. i explained in the previous a/n [link] i chose to have ginny’s war be told through letters (basically, i thought it would be the best way to narratively tell her story), and i really wanted harry to experience what she’d lived through almost first hand.

now, interestingly, my idea for how to do this originally was to have the letters sort of be interwoven into the events of 1999, throughout the next couple of chapters (meaning this one and chapter nine). i had this idea in my head of him living through ‘real life’ things but not being able to take his mind off her letters, with the letters also sort of echoing the events that were happening in 99, etc. having the two plot lines develop at once and meet in the middle, kind of.

and i tried to write that. for a long time. spoiler alert, it didn’t work. i think the reason is that every time i sat down with it, i felt like i was doing a disservice to both stories. i mean: 97/98 is important, but 99 also is, you know? and by taking the narrative in and out all the time, it was like you couldn’t concentrate on one thing. it was just very messy and didn’t have the intensity i was originally aiming for because it kept being dragged out of whatever was the main action at the time. i wanted harry to get sucked into the narrative, for her letters to take over his life, but in the end, the impression i just got was that the whole thing was confusing af. instead of deeply caring about both, i couldn’t bring myself to care either for ginny’s story, or for his.

also, i just kept hitting a wall: a wall called harry. basically, i knew that the next two chapters (i.e. eight and nine) would stretch from january 99 to june 99. and for the love of god, no matter how many times i turned it around in my head, there was - to me - no way that harry as we know him would just pace himself to read her letters throughout all those months. like, harry fucking potter isn’t the kind of guy who ‘paces’ himself. he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t sleep for a week to get through it all, you know? this is everything that he’s wanted to know since last may, he’s been desperately looking for answers up to this point, there is absolutely not way in hell that he’d wait it out nicely until june. it felt ooc to have him read the letters over a few months. and i just kept hitting that wall over and over. i considered, at one point, building him reading the letters into flashbacks but flashbacks of flashbacks were, again, quite messy, and i don’t think her letters would ever be something he’d volunteer to re-read, so. clearly, it wasn’t working.

then, i think on a random sunday a few weeks ago, i just went back to the drawing board and was like: okay, say we just write all of the letters and go from there, what would happen? by the end of the day, i’d written 12,000 words and that was that, really.

now, the second difficulty, once i’d decided that was…. what you all probably want me to talk about.

i know this is probably not what you want to hear but: i didn’t really plan this? like, i understand that a lot of people have sort of a headcanon about what happened to ginny in that year in hogwarts but i … don’t. like, as planned as this fic is (which it is, i know where i’m going, i promise) that was always a bit of a blank-space-tbd in my head. i think that this story, as hinny as it is, is mostly about harry. and while i knew what i wanted for harry from her telling her story (for him to get sucked in, for him to realise that his war wasn’t the only war in the world ‘cause he’s been bloody self-centered so far, for him to realise that his plan to protect her didn’t exactly work because it didn’t cater for who she is, etc.), i wasn’t really sure what that story was. i mean, i knew it was going to be bad and traumatic, obviously, but i didn’t know what would happen. and still, to me, what i wrote is a version of that year. it’s not really my headcanon (i still don’t really have one), and i definitely accept other versions, if that makes sense.

this being said, i obviously had thought about it a little. i remember writing chapter one with that line: ‘They have sex for the first time, that day – his first time and it feels like hers, too, but he wouldn’t dare ask, not anymore, anyways’ and thinking i wanted to leave the door open. to me, it was a door completely open: it could have indeed been her first time, or she could have seen someone else (consensually) during that year, or she could have been assaulted. i honestly didn’t know but yeah, that was always a possibility in the back of my head.

then, to tell you the truth, when i wrote the first version of this chapter (the 12,000 words i mentioned earlier), it wasn’t there. i sat down and decided that i wasn’t going to go there. firstly, because, while you probably don’t know this, i’ve written about sexual assault before. my previous long fic, children, in another fandom, dealt (in part) with that. and i didn’t want to be the-fic-writer-who-writes-about-sexual-assault. especially because trust me, there are people who are a lot more legitimate to talk about this than i am. i also didn’t feel like it was necessary to the story, i could do without it and still explain ginny’s early behaviour in the fic, explain her trauma, and have harry realise the things i talked about before. secondly, i’ll be honest: i know this isn’t what people in this fandom want to read. the hinny pairing is mostly about love and fluff (which i love, btw, don’t get me wrong) and i was like, ugh, i don’t want to face the angry comments. i’m writing this a/n the morning before posting so i admittedly don’t know what the reaction will be but i do anticipate a lot of annoyance with me. i knew that a lot of people wouldn’t like it if i went there, and it was just easier not to.

but then, as i started editing, there was a comment (and this, ladies and gentlemen, is a testament to how much your comments fucking matter, okay?). a comment that i remembered reading on the previous chapter and could not get out of my head, no matter how much i tried. well, hello, @whizzfizz. i’ll happily give credit where credit is due. it read:

This made me think of something you mentioned earlier in the fic (possibly Ch1) about Harry not being sure if he was Ginny’s first but that it felt like it. I wonder if this is something that is going to come up in her letters to him.

and, so, it turned. around and around in my head, and i couldn’t get it out. and i kept saying to myself: no, you’re not going there. no, you’re not going there. and then, one night, i caved. i was like, fuck, i need to know if this person really meant what i think they meant by this. and so we talked. a lot. and, i did a lot of thinking. about women. about wars. about violence against women as a an inevitable weapon of war. about ginny being harry’s girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend (more on that later), and what that would have meant in their world. and @whizzfizz, you said something that in the end really sold me. you said: ‘at this point, i don’t think it would be realistic for it not to have happened.’ and, that was that, really.

because i was right, initially. amycus/ginny (ugh, the idea of a pairing makes me throw up in my mouth a little but yeah, there it is) isn’t necessary to the story. but i believe it to be necessary to what this story is trying to show. the plot held well without it, no questions asked. 12,000 words of the da and their battles, of ginny’s rebellions. it was fine. but i think i wanted more than fine. to me (and i appreciate how fucking pretentious that is, please slap me in the face *eyeroll*), castles is more than its plot. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: this is about what is behind ‘all was well.’ it’s about trying to paint a realistic picture of their lives. and that includes the war. and realistically, as far as i’m concerned, knowing how humans fight their wars, knowing our history and the history of violence against women construed as a weapon in literally every conflict there ever was, there is no way that this didn’t happen. ginny says it herself: for us girls, it’s just the way wars are fought.

so, i did go there. and the whole fandom probably hates me for going there, but i sort of stand by it, i have to say. to be honest, on a sort of subconscious level, i kind of wonder: didn’t i always know i was going to go there? like, this fits perfectly into the plot to the point that i think it was probably in my head for much longer than i care to admit. now, i’m so, fucking excited to write next chapter because i finally get to write happy things, and hinny getting back together on rock solid foundations of openness and sharing, and trust, and i’m so, so glad. there are a couple of scenes in the next chapter that i’ve been working towards for months and i’m so, bloody excited to write them. everyone might hate me and i might just be writing this fic for myself now (lol), but again, i stand by the decisions i took. to me, it fits.

phew. okay, now that huge thing is out of the way and explained, here are a few more jumbled thoughts:

the more i think about it, the more i think that my reason for not wanting to be the-fic-writer-who-writes-about-sexual-assault is a bit ridic. children and castles, in that way, are so, so different. like, i appreciate the overlap between the silk fandom and the hp fandom is probably ridiculously small but if you’ve read both stories, they’re obviously very different. one thing that both stories centre on, though, is consent. and to me, that’s probably the most interesting element of ginny/amycus, and the most interesting element of writing characters within a restrictive pov, rather than an omniscient one. like, do i think ginny/amycus is rape? yes. 100%. do i think that ginny thinks it’s rape? that is a much more interesting question. she says it a number of times but i think to her, this is all about control. i think that because of what happened to her with tom, she’s someone who is terrified of losing control of her mind and of her own agency. so as not to lose that, she’s willing to do whatever it takes. it is a ‘you can control my body, but not my thoughts,’ sort of narrative. and, she never says it outright because i think psychologically she’s just not there yet, but tom is everywhere in these letters. and as her world just spirals out, she hangs onto the very few things that she can control: her relationship to harry, and her willingness to do what it takes for them to survive. she initiates the ‘relationship’ with amycus in an attempt to control her fate. later, as she explains to harry she feels a lot of guilt over what she did, and like a lot of sexual assault survivors, she thinks it was her responsibility. because i’m in harry’s head most of the time for this fic, i’m not sure i’ll ever really get to discuss that at length, but it’s definitely something that i wanted to show. another interesting question is: does harry think it’s rape? i think at that point in the fic, he doesn’t have the education, nor the vocabulary for that. i think instinctively (because he is someone who is very instinctive), he doesn’t blame her. if he blames anyone, it’s probably himself. he understands the necessity to do what you have to do to survive and thinks that no, no matter what she claims, that was not consented. that’s kind of what comes out in his annoyingly inarticulate letter to her at the end. beyond that, though, i think he’s a bit lost, just like she is.

on a mildly related note, there is something that i've been seeing a lot in the comments and that i feel like i should maybe address? namely: harry's reaction to ginny dating other people. i assume similar comments will be made about his reaction to ginny/alecto (meaning that he still decides to write to her, at the end of the chapter). i've seen a lot of people observe that he's much more 'chill' about it in castles than in canon. fair point but is he, though? like, he isn't happy about it in castles. and he's jealous as well. but he was never entitled in canon. he was jealous, yes, the chest monster and all that, but he never really did anything about it, and never really impeded on her right to see other people. now, this being said, i agree that in sixth year he might have thrown a tantrum, had she done what she did in castles, but that was sixth year. it was before the war. before he lost half a dozen people. before he had to adult bloody fucking quickly. this being said, i do think castles-Harry is more 'subdued,' i suppose, than canon harry. this is a choice i made early on, which to me is related to the fact that he kind of lost his 'voice' during the war. i mean, it took him six months of people talking shit behind his back to do a press interview to defend himself. i think with ginny, it's a lot of the same. he's a boy who blames himself a lot, and generally doesn't particularly think he deserves the people in his life. to me it's an evolution of his character within the the world of castles. i'm happy to agree to disagree on it, but to me it makes sense within the character evolution and the way the fic's gone, so to speak. now, obviously, he'll grow out of that in due course, but we're not quite there yet.

regarding their relationship, now, i have to say: one headcanon that i did have for this was her not outright telling everyone they’d broken up. i’m sorry, that plan was shit. i just don’t buy for a second that she would willingly have gone ahead with it, and i don’t buy for a second that tom wouldn’t have used her had he known they’d been together, ex girlfriend or not. plus, i think she needed something to hand onto, and that was her relationship with him. her letters. the belief that they would be together again. without it, i don’t think she’d have survived. and i think that summer after the war, they were totally on the same page, for different reasons. both of them kind of saw their relationship as the one thing that kept them afloat, the one good thing they had, partly also because they’d idealised it for so long. she says it as some point, it wasn’t a relationship, it was a lifeline (another sentence i came up with as a response to a comment, lol) and while that is toxic and was meant to crumble at some point, it was necessary for them, both during the war, and in the early days after it. i think her last letter to him is painstakingly correct on that one.

regarding canon, i know i’m bending a couple of things here, which i just wanted to quickly acknowledge: 1) i know jkr has said it’s teddy remus lupin. i just can’t believe, for a moment, that someone who hated himself as much as lupin did, canonically, would name his son after himself. naming his son after his best mate who died to young to become problematic though? i totally see it. so yeah, creative licence, it’s teddy james lupin in this house, lol. 2) when they meet neville in dh, he kind of hints that they’ve only just started to use the room of requirement a couple weeks ago. the text however, only says they’ve only been staying in it full time a couple of weeks ago. i needed them to have somewhere where to meet with the da and stuff, so i bent that a bit. it’s not strictly canon, but it’s also not not canon, if that makes sense.

on seamus blowing things up and talking about eight hundred years of oppression? full disclaimer, while i am french, i have been living in ireland for long enough to become eligible for citizenship in less than six months (yay!). i know some people have said that seamus is a bit of a cliche in the books/films and all (the only irish character keen on blowing things up, haha *eyeroll*), but i actually kind of love it? like, the whole thing about the cranberries and zombie at the start of the fic has been in my head for much longer than i care to admit. i love the idea that there’s this whole muggle war going on at the exact same time that no one ever talks about and actually, i find the idea of wizarding ireland v. muggle ireland and the whole political structure fascinating. like, is wizarding ireland an independent state? what’s the story there? i have a whole seamus fic in my head, partially on this topic, that i might or might not write one day.

lastly, i know this may sound a bit weird but i need to say it: once i’d figured out what and how i was writing it, i bloody loved writing this chapter. first stylistically, i really wanted to mimic the style of how i’d written the magazine article in chapter 5 (i.e. not writing out the whole thing but writing out in text the excerpts that harry focused on) and i love how that turned out. i think it was a good way to balance her words and his, kind of merging them into one, big narrative. second, as a writer, it was so fucking interesting to write someone who knows how to write, which believe it or not i’d never done before. additionally, i loved the challenge of editing this because it was like: i’ve got to edit this, but not too much? i was very careful about modifying and polishing too much of ginny’s speech in the letters because i obviously wanted it to sound like someone who was just writing as the words came to her, without polishing the words, the punctuation, etc. like i usually would. i wanted her to have quirks (she says ‘you know?’ a lot) and i played with her capitalisation and punctuation a bit too. i know these aren’t necessarily noticeable details but it was definitely something that i thought about and that was very fun and interesting to write, as a format.

wow, okay. this was LONG but i think i have everything i wanted to say. if you’ve read all of this (whyyyyy?), thanks so much for sticking around. if you’ve got any questions, anything i didn’t address, do let me know, anon or not, my ask box is open. now, i would love to say i’m going to chill or something, but the truth is that i have to a) actually do a last read through of the fic, lol and b) put it out. this is what i get for writing the a/n before finishing the damn thing, i guess. i’ll rest tomorrow, lol.

lastly, in terms of next chapter, realistically, i’d say eight to ten weeks. i have a full time job now and also, writing this was fucking exhausting and i need to take time out for a bit before coming back to it with a fresh mind. i will be writing other stuff though, i promise. i have a couple of prompts to get to (thanks!!!) and a couple of other ideas so i will probably be posting in the meantime, just not castles.

lots of love,

p.

#castles #extended an #writing #fic #its out #holy shit #byyyyyye #I have not proofread this so we die like men eh

[ohmuqueen]

I was tagged by @shawoluvs ...2 weeks ago T_T  im so sorry for taking so long! (also you have my sister’s birthday! Happy early birthday!)

Name: Angela

Pronouns: she/her

Star sign: Taurus

Height: 5′1″ (155 cm)

Time: 9:47pm

Birthday: May 18 - The release date for Taemin’s “Advice”!!! This pleases me to no end as a babywol and Taemint ;_;

Nationality: American

Fave bands/groups: SHINee, 4minute, Brown Eyed Girls, f(x), Dreamcatcher, KARD, EXO, SuperM, Kalafina, NCT (mainly I love NCT 127′s music the most but I love all the subunits)...and honestly I listen to so many artists, moslty krnb/hiphop, and the only artists I listen to consistently lately (that I can recall quickly) are SHINee, Dreamcatcher, Hyuna, Utada, Jonghyun, Key, and NCT, otherwise I just mix it up a LOT bc Spotify is great for that (I only started using it January of 2020, I still love discovering new music on there almost every day)

Fave solo artist: Taemin, Utada Hikaru, Jonghyun, Key, Hyuna, Baekhyun, Son Ga-in,  Lee Hi, and krnb artists Nieah, K.vsh, twlv, Jhnovr, Epik High, Crush, Jane B, and J.cob (those are the ones I can remember quickly... I love a lot tho ^_^;)

Song stuck in your head: rn I’m listening to music (just finishing Nu’est’s Happily Ever After album as I type this) so nothing stuck in my head, but the last song I remember being stuck in my head earlier was Shinee’s “Colorful” ;_;

Last movie you watched: Captain Ron, a 90s movie from my childhood (and right before that Overboard, another childhood movie that makes me really happy)

Last show you binged: The last show I binged was He Is Psychometric - watched it in under 3 days if I recall. The last show I watched was Star Trek The Next Generation - I’m watching it for the first time and I just started season 3!

When you created your blog: 2011

Last thing you googled: shadow and bone books (no I haven’t read them)

Other blogs: My other blogs aren’t really active, but my sideblog for Utada Hikaru, @sangurasu, will always get updated whenever I get any speck of Utada news

Why I chose my url: it’s in reference to Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind by Hayao Miyazaki, the heroine is one of my favorite characters (the manga is epic and if you love fantasy and/or post apoc stories you would love it)

How many people are you following: 1073 - I have not gone on an unfollow spree for many many months...probably years lol - I don’t have time to go through my dash much either

How many followers do you have: 614

Average hours of sleep: 6, and a wonderful 8-9 hours on weekends

Lucky numbers: 14, 5

Instrument: none (I used to sing in choir as a teen, I miss it)

What I’m currently wearing: pajamas

Dream job: owner of a cat rescue (who somehow got back the ability to write and writes short stories on the side - not sure if I have novel length stuff in me)

Dream trip: Japan

Fave food: cake, ice cream, anything s’mores flavored

Fave song: Last time I I answered a similar ask meme and I just was like “I listen to so much, idk, here’s my fave Taemin and Utada song”, so I’ll try to mix it up this time. My last five liked songs in Spotify were: “Peter Pan” and “Piercing” by Ha:tfelt, “Whoo” by Jeong Eun Ji (thank you Discover Weekly), “In the Room” by twlv, and “Finding You” by Kwon Soon Il - from the soundtrack of Color Rush, a wonderful kdrama I watched a few months ago before Shinee’s comeback took over my life kekeke

Top 3 fictional universes you’d like to live in: Pacific Rim, Star Trek, aaaand… His Dark Materials (and I’m finally rereading that series right now! For the first time since I was 20 years old I believe T_T ...9 years ago....)

I will tag @jongtaeluv, @ihavesomanynotes, @actiaslunaris, @fractalwriter, @thepaththatleadsyouhome, @yoongloyal, @bluenightscloud, @aquaxalien, @kimsehni, @shin33ee, @explocionesenelcielo, @alwayshinee, @dontcallmeshinee, @jonghyuninorbit, @adorableshinee, @starlightnakamoto  only if you would like💜

#tag meme #personal #tumbwols #shawols #shinee #getting tagged by shawols makes my day i'm sorry i dont get to these quickly T_T