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mrssimply · 1 year

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Find the word/Manuscript search tag

Ohhh!! I was so excited to see this game appear on my dash, Thank you so much @rockerboyrepo for the tag! Very happy to play, even though it took me a week or something (I was on holiday with limited access to my files)

you gave me the words: Again, Deeply, Growl, Smirk

And since it was very diffisult for me to cut after a few sentences, you get full snippets.

Again

[That one is for Rockerboyrepo, actually, I need to finish it when inspiration strikes again - it's the follow up to his own fic that I started to write with his permission ;p]

After going back to his apartment and burying himself under booze and drugs, Kerry elects to ignore the motorcycle for a week. He can’t help but think about it, and as the week passes by, he’s starting to feel angry again.

Even in death, Johnny is a fucking asshole, coming back to haunt him, making sure Kerry can’t live a normal life, free of his perpetual shadow. Making sure he can’t forget, as if he ever could in the first place. He might want to but he’s not sure he can.

Which is how after a particularly bad day that started with spilled coffee on his brand new tank top, went on with a frustrating meeting at the label, and ended with the discovery that the Rainbow Cadenza wouldn’t reopen after the damage it had taken during the explosion, Kerry went down to the garage instead of his flat.

He rounds it with jerky movements, crossing his arms as he looks at it. He feels the rage rise inside of him, let it sour his tongue and fill his stomach with acid.

“Fuck!” He curses out loud when the feeling overflows, and he kicks the rear tire once, then twice with more strength, and a third time with a cry of rage. The bike doesn’t move an inch, pretty much like its previous owner, stubborn by default.

“Fuck you!” Kerry screams at it, aiming his futiles kicks higher to try and unbalance the vehicle, but with the center stand and the weight, Kerry is no match. The motorcycle takes his rage placidly. With another cry of anger, Kerry grabs the seat and the trunk, pulling at them to try and upturn the bike, but it doesn’t work either. It doesn’t force the compartment open, though, and the surprise unbalances Kerry, who falls on his ass with a stunned expression.

Other words bellow the cut :D

Smirk

That one is from the secon John Wick fic, publication should happen soon(ish)! Kept it short because of spoiler for the fic ;)

“I didn’t think you were capable of love,” he declared, prompting an eyebrow raise from Santino. “Love isn’t supposed to be that vicious.”

The Italian mob boss snorted and his smirk turned into his usual sneer.

“Did you ever consider it was vicious because I was always on the defense? I had no choice but to be cruel because I didn’t know any different. It was the most precious thing I ever experienced, and it made me particularly savage when it came to defending it.”

Winston made a face, but didn’t debate the reasoning.

“And what about now? Did you learn anything different?”

“No,” he admitted with a shrug, “But he did.”

“Ah, sweet Helen taught him, and you expect him to teach you in turn?”

Santino bared his teeth in a poor imitation of a smile, making Winston snort and hold his hands up in surrender.

Growl

[that one is from the original story I'm trying to write. It's... slow progress but hey, first time I show it!]

“It’s a key,” Tiberion went on, pulling Sisay’s focus back to him. “And like every key, it opens a door. I need a team to find that door, and then help me retrieve something.”

In the couch between them, Kheor shifted, and Sisay sensed something like agitation. It was hard to tell, as she still looked unflappable, but there was a new tension in her body.

“I thought this was for the Rebellion,” she hissed between her teeth.

Tiberion gave her a fleeting smile.

“It is. In a way.”

“Tell me it’s not what I think it is?” she asked in a sharp bark.

The Primadyne pulled on his cigarette, eyes fixed on her.

“It would be difficult for me to tell you this, since I don’t know what you think it is.”

She gave him a grin, the kind that would make lesser men quiver and cower, but Tiberion didn’t look impressed.

Their interaction clued Sisay on the fact they weren’t just from the same alien race: they were close, too, they knew each other like friends, or something like it.

“Kheor told me you lost a lot for this mission,” Tiberion went on, “I know what it’s like to lose everything. So let me offer you a new purpose: it’s a dangerous mission, with high rewards.”

“I have enough money with what you paid for the gig,” Sisay found himself replying. The words were robotic, a negotiation technique more than real disinterest. Truth was, the idea of another job to distract him was appealing.

Tiberion smiled: it was an ugly thing, full of irony and pain.

“Yeah, well, what I’m offering now is glory, to go with the money.”

“I don’t care about glory.”

“Revenge, then. Wasn’t it the Imperat guards that killed your friend? What I seek would help the Rebellion greatly. It’s a chance to fight back.”

Sisay gave him an unimpressed look. So far Tiberion’s attempt to lure him felt half hearted, like he couldn’t be bothered to really try. Kheor seemed to think so too because she was giving him about the same expression.

“You’re really bad at this,” she commented. “Why don’t you give us the truth: what does this key do, what does it open… You know, the questions I asked you before taking this job for you that you didn’t answer because you told me to trust you. I did,” the Witch reminded him pointedly even though the second Primadyne refused to look at her.

“Back then, you told me you would clear everything up if the key was retrieved. It’s been retrieved, so now, I’m asking again, and I expect answers.”

Tiberion went on smoking in silence, he took the time to ash his cigarette before turning to Sisay. The hacker was startled by the intensity of his gaze; for a flash, something powerful shone through his pupils.

“What do you know about the Deathwalker, Sisay?”

Next to him, Kheor sighed and got up.

“Not this again,” she muttered in a growl before making her way to a small cabinet to the left of the room where she retrieved glass of a purple liquid that glittered, and poured herself a glass.

Tiberion ignored her, gaze still stuck to Sisay, who was frowning.

Deeply

[from the John Wick fic again]

Santino listened to the silence for a few more minutes before sitting up with a soft groan of contentment. Despite the dread and the lack of sleep, his body felt deeply relaxed, and ached in the best ways. He couldn’t help but snort when he thought about their joining. Letting John drive had been a marvelous idea, and it showed how much both of them had changed in the past eight years.

After showering, Santino put on his own suit: dark shirt, sacks of a deep anthracite color and matching jacket, to put on top of a forest green vest. For later, he had also brought the heavy black coat to drape over his shoulders. He laced his shoes, knowing he would have a few hours more of reading and work before he was to make his way to the Sacré Coeur. John would start making his way earlier: from the Bowery King to Santino, every one of them was persuaded the Marquis would try to prevent John from being on time, or from coming at all.

As he crossed the threshold of the living room, he found John bent over the table where he’d set shop, skimming over the papers. He was in the middle of securing his cufflinks, stopped in the process by his curiosity as he read over the coded documents. Apparently, he still remembered the decryption key because he didn’t seem to struggle deciphering them.

Walking up to him, Santino gently plucked the cufflink from his lover's hand and took over the act of securing the button on the sleeve. John glanced at him, dark eyes assessing him in silence.

“Why are you doing this, Santino?”

The man knew the question was layered, and since he wasn’t particularly willing to discuss all of them, he started with the most obvious one.

“Making sure you’re perfectly dressed to meet death. Wouldn't let you lose the battle of style to your brother.”

#cyberpunk 2077 #johnny silverhand #kerry eurodyne #cp2077 #kerry x johnny #silverdyne #my writing #find the word game #manuscript search tag #tag games #john wick #john wick 4 #santino d'antonio #John x Santino

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 3 years

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Sun and Fun (S2, E12)

I can’t believe FOX has cancelled this absolute masterpiece of a show. I’m devastated. I’d like to think we’ll get picked up by another network for season 3 but I’m a pessimist and I don’t want to get my hopes up. I’ll be hanging around the fandom either way though.

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:20 - Malcolm losing it in Martin’s cell? *chef’s kiss*. 1) excellent performance by Tom. 2) This is the Malcolm mental health content I subscribed for. This is Malcolm feeling overwhelmed, helpless, worthless, and frustrated all at the same time. This. Is. Wonderful. And. Realistic. This is what overwhelming anxiety (especially if you have an anxiety disorder) can feel like. It builds and builds until all of a sudden you’re consumed with all this nervous energy and frustration and it all turns to rage in an instant. But you’re not angry at other people. You don’t want to hurt anyone. That rage is just self hatred because you hate that you feel this broken and your stupid brain won’t function normally.

0:33 - annnnd then when the excess nervous energy is spent but that feeling of self-hatred, despair, and fear still remains - you’re physically exhausted and 7/10. times you cry. Again, crying because of how stupid you feel for your little rage outburst, for how stupid you feel for feeling this terrible all the time. Malcolm is depicting a severe anxiety episode perfectly (in my experience) and THIS is why FOX is moronic for cancelling the show. The gorgeous and accurate depictions of mental health in Prodigal Son is unprecedented, truthful, and heartbreaking. It’s like nothing else on television.

0:50 - This kind of hurts. Look at how cautiously Dani enters the room. Almost as if Malcolm is a wild animal she doesn’t want to scare. It makes sense given the state of the room she just entered and how completely openly and uncharacteristically vulnerable Malcolm is. I will say this though, despite how cautious she is, it’s obvious that she cares about Malcolm more than whatever happened before she walked into the room.

1:03 - “So all eyes are on his head case son right?” This line is a direct quote from Malcolm’s anxiety disorder and depression. This is how you feel about yourself when in the middle of an anxiety episode when you’re also depressed. BUT OUR GIRL DANI!!! <3 This girl looks confused and concerned to hear Malcolm diss himself like that. The fact that she tries to comfort him when he’s in this state, makes her an absolutely A++ friend.

1:11 - “No one cares about that.” “I CARE. I can’t live like this.” This scene resonates with me so so so much. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been 100% aware of how irrational my anxieties are and simultaneously 100% unable to do a damn thing about it because I’m too scared of who I’d be without the fear. Because I’ve defined myself by my anxieties for so long that it’s become the only definable element of my personality visible to me. I’m getting that vibe from Malcolm. I’m sure that’s exactly how he’s feeling right now.

1:30 - “That’s not what scares you. What scares you is living the rest of your life without your father in it.” Dani knows and I felt personally called out. THIS EMOTIONAL WHUMP IS GIVING ME LIFE. <3

1:39 - Look at our floppy haired, devastated boy. :( <3 I’m genuinely shook that he didn’t have a full mental breakdown this episode (but it’s coming....it’s inevitable at this point :) ). ALSO the look of absolute love and concern Dani is shooting towards Malcolm? Absolutely perfect. <3

1:51 - I genuinely find it so interesting that Malcolm keeps referring to “The Surgeon” as “Martin”. If you read my thoughts on 2x11 you know I think it’s because Malcolm has separated ‘Martin Whitly’ into three separate people in his head. “The Surgeon” = the serial killer who traumatized him and ruined his childhood. “Dad/Father” = the man who loved and cared for baby!Malcolm. But “Martin” = unknown. Malcolm doesn’t know who Martin is yet and it scares him.

1:58 - “For once in your life slow down and acknowledge what this is doing to you.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this line. So. So. SO. MUCH. <3 <3 This is the kind of comfort Malcolm needs. SOMEONE needs to tell him that he’s breaking, it’s not his fault, and he doesn’t deserve to suffer for Martin.

2:07 - annnnnnd Malcolm has gone full crazy-person string murder board. He’s right but he’s still acting like a manic crazy person. Like, a real one. Not his usual manic behaviour. This is straight up - this boy needs medication, a nap, therapy, and a doctor. Now.

2:34 - Ugh. This whole cop/Vivian scene made my skin crawl. So gross. So creepy. I hate Capshaw. So much. This woman is manipulative, evil, and so so creepy. The cop was also gross. But I 100% thought she was going to kill the cop because this felt like an opening scene to Criminal Minds.

4:38 - “THEY WERE HAVING SEX.” hhahahahahahaha holy shit. This is both hilarious and really upsetting (not just because Martin/Capshaw is NASTY). Malcolm is manically, yelling about his theories in a room full of people who love him. He sounds crazy. He’s acting crazy and Dani, JT, and Gil are just staring at him with a mixture of disbelief, concern, and sympathy. <3 It’s heartbreaking. Malcolm is an inch away from a mental breakdown. I’m here for it.

4:49 - “TMI bro.” <3

5:05 - Ugh. This breaks my heart. The team doesn’t think Malcolm is crazy. They just know he’s at the end of his rope. The looks they’re exchanging aren’t based in anger, contempt, or a lack of trust. They’re based in concern and I LOVE IT.

5:21 - LOOK AT OUR BABY. He’s breaking. He’s so close. :( Look at how desperate he is to find Martin.

5:35 - “That’s exactly what it means.” “Gil, please. You know how much I need this.” THIS HURTS. Gil isn’t angry here - he’s frustrated and scared for Malcolm. And Malcolm? This boy is toeing the line of a full breakdown in front of 3 of his favourite people - that’s out of character for him. Despite the shaking hand and general mania - Malcolm usually refrains from raising his voice in front of Dani and JT. He tries to stay calm-ish so he doesn’t get labelled as ‘violent’ like his serial killer father.

5:39 - “StOp. I am scared.” Dani knew exactly how to diffuse the situation. Malcolm can be manipulative and dysfunctional but he never wants to scare people (at least, not unless they’re suspects or obstructing justice).

5:46 - “I’m not ordering you this time. I’m begging you.” Papa!Gil’s seen Malcolm like this before. SO WHY IS NO ONE HUGGING MALCOLM?!?! The boy is clearly coming apart at the seams.

5:48 - Malcolm’s reaction to Gil sending him home is gorgeous. He looks sad, betrayed, and resigned. It’s as though he’s convinced himself that the team doesn’t trust him or care about him anymore. He doesn’t walk out angry. He walks out sad and determined. Head held high but eyes full of grief.

5:54 - I’d give anything to have heard the conversation between Dani, JT, and Gil after Malcolm left the room. ANYTHING.

6:02 - “He thinks I’m a liability.” No. Not exactly. He thinks Malcolm is in the throws of a mental health crisis and that he shouldn’t be responsible for catching his serial killer father. Again.

6:15 - “I support Gil’s decision. That does not mean I want your father dead.” #coparenting but also, true. I honestly don’t think Jessica wants Martin dead. I think she wants Ainsley and Malcolm to be happy and free from Martin but not dead. She knows that Malcolm might never recover from Martin’s death with all of his unanswered questions and suppressed childhood trauma. She also knows that Ainsley would always resent being prevented from bonding with her father. I think Jessica still loves Martin - well, the man she thought she married. Jessica doesn’t care for Martin Whitly. But she loves the man he pretended to be and even though she knows he wasn’t real - she doesn’t want him to die. I think she wants him to disappear (maybe get transferred to a prison in a different state?) but she doesn’t want him dead. That would make her no better than the serial killer (in Jessica’s mind anyways).

6:25 - “You have become consumed by this Malcolm.” Check out the side eyed look Ainsley gives Malcolm. She’s jealous. Her brother is on the verge of a mental breakdown but she’s jealous of the attention he’s getting from Jessica. I get it - Jessica hasn’t been the best mom to Ainsley. BUT GIRL, gain some perspective. Don’t you care about your brother?!?! That should trump the jealousy for a few minutes at least.

6:35 - “I love you.” <3 <3 <3 I’m going to cry. This might be my favourite Jessica+Malcolm moment to date. So precious.

6:43 - THIS. “I love you. Both of you. More than I hate him.” This is why Jessica doesn’t want Martin dead.....but she also doesn’t care if he lives. I know that sounds like a contradiction but it’s a real thing and if you’ve never felt that way about someone - I pray you never have to.

7:06 - “Then she’s a victim.” .....I disagree. Capshaw had a (weird and manipulative) consensual relationship with Martin. She has as much of an agenda as Martin (although, Jessica didn’t know that here). Capshaw isn’t a victim. She’s not being compliant with Martin as a form of self-preservation or fear. She’s doing it because she’s a manipulative crazy person who is in love with a convicted serial killer.

7:45 - I’ve never felt this unsettled while watching Prodigal Son. Capshaw showing her true colours is so so so disturbing. This woman is insane (with all the stigma). The dress. The martini (Jessica’s favourite drink?). The fact that she dressed Martin up in a suit. The music. The weirdly elegant wheelchair. The lovey way she’s talking. It all makes my skin crawl.

8:33 - OMG. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel bad for Martin Whitly?!?!?!

9:55 - JESSICA AND MALCOLM doing a rich person ambush tag-team IS AMAZING. <3

9:57- How sad is this? 23 years and Jessica still can’t walk into a room without people whispering and judging her behind her back. :( This woman keeps her head held high - despite the pain she must be in - she’s a superhero. Change my mind.

10:30 - "Malcolm Whitly? You're.." I have this headcanon that the general public assumes Malcolm is dead. He changed his last name and fell off the grid. People treat Jessica like a social pariah so she wouldn't be able to tell them otherwise. And sure, Ainsley referred to Malcolm in the present tense during her Surgeon interview but how many people actually watched it actually paid attention to that little tidbit after Martin went full blown psychopath on camera? Plus, no one really cares about the Surgeon's son enough to look him up 23 years later. At least, no one who matters.

11:25 - Like mother, like son. You can't change my mind. They have the same manipulation style. It's justice based and determined. Ainsley and Martin's style? Vindictive and self-serving.

11:30 - Oh look. ANOTHER CONTINUITY ERROR. WHO PROOFREADS THESE SCRIPTS?!? I CAN’T KEEP OVERLOOKING THESE. For God’s sake. Send copies of the script to fans who sign NDAs or something. At least we know what happened in previous episodes.

12:33 - "Gross." I'm with Ainsley on this one.

12:45 - "My assistant." "Long suffering". hahahha omg. I love this for two reasons: 1) it's hilarious 2) it's true. Malcolm literally disposed of a body for Ainsley. He's her assistant and he's suffered for it.

13:05 - Yo. This dude is whack. Like this is some serious Stockholm's syndrome going on here. Vivian is his hero?!? .........I can't.

13:55 - Why do the gifts Vivian sends Zeiger look like human bones? Damn this is twisted. This is like some sort of twisted serial killer pseudo-trophy situation?

14:52 - "I don't think Vivian is the victim here. I think our father is." Yikes. This is not going to help Malcolm's mental stability. At all. He's been trying to fully accept that his father is a serial killing monster who was literally never capable of loving him for the past 23 years. BUT NOW our boy has taken the role of 'good son' (prodigal son is you will) and has returned to his 10 year old mentality "I love dad. Dad loves me." and 'dad' is in trouble. Malcolm is trying to save his serial killer father and the emotional and mental hoops he's jumping through are terrifying, complex, and hauntingly realistic. <3 It's gorgeous.

15:04 - "I'm not used to this type of confinement." I love this line because of how deeply it rings true. Martin isn't used to confinement. Sure, he's been chained to a wall for 23 years but he's been relatively happy about it. He's been able to manipulate Malcolm and the other inmates. He's been given TV time, phone time, consultations, books, music, free food, and a massive private cell (seriously that cell is as big as the bachelor's suite I rent for $900 CAD a month). The man has been living a life of luxury (given his crimes). His only 'punishment'? He's stuck inside his cell and he's not allowed to kill anymore. THIS is Martin truly suffering. I kind of feel bad for him (which I never thought I'd say).

15:20 - Damn. Michael Sheen is incredible. He's genuinely making me feel concerned and scared for Martin.

15:32 - Something tells me a man hurt Capshaw in some way throughout her life. This has to be deeper than the whole "I didn't fit into the 'boys club' of surgery". Her issues with men are aggressive and alarming. This woman is nuts. This woman is why I hesitate to call myself a feminist (I generally think we should drop the titles of feminist/misogynist/racist/homophobe... and just treat people with respect. I think the titles and groups just further divide people.)

15:50 - "You're finally free." Yep. Capshaw is a nutcase. She actually believes that she's committed a perfect crime.

16:09 - This place has virtually no furniture but I’m expected to believe someone is paying the phone bill?!?! Nah.

17:08 - That. Smile. This woman is a devil. Like, I think I hate her as much as I hate Umbridge. But unlike Umbridge, Capshaw is downright terrifying.

17:12 - Was anyone else kind of surprised that Martin called Jessica? I mean, I guess she was a safer choice than the cops but still...

17:20 - As creepy and this whole ‘Martin is a victim’ thing is - it’s kind of nice? Like - I just keep thinking “How does it feel Martin?!?! This is how you made your victims feel. Do you like it?” and then I realize I’m a terrible person.

17:55 - Ainsley’s in on this. I swear, she’s somehow involved with either Capshaw or Martin.

18:18 - Oh look. Martin is shackled to the bed. Just like Malcolm shackles himself to bed so he can sleep every night. .....I keep oscillating between being vindictive toward Martin and feeling bad for him. That’s what makes this show incredible. The ‘villain’ is human and 3 dimensional.

18:44 - Oh God. The psychopath is jealous. This woman is UNSTABLE. How has no one locked her up yet?!?

19:43 - She’s crying. She’s actually crying. Even the rewatch of this scene is painful. I just feel so uncomfortable (which was probably the intent) and I hate both characters. They’re both actively trying to manipulate each other and it’s so creepy. Damn.

20:15 - Holy. Shit. This woman is by far the scariest villain Prodigal Son has given us.

21:17 - ..............I have nothing to say. My brain has short circuited. I can’t get past how horrifying this scene is. She’s a maniac.

21:57 - No one will make eye contact with Malcolm. :( They all think he’s losing it but they’re not scared of him. They’re scared for him.

22:10 - “A trusted member of my team has a theory I run it down.” THANK YOU GIL. SUBTLY TELL MALCOLM THAT YOU TRUST HIM. That’s what he needed to hear. He was doubting that anyone cared. :(

22:45 - “Do you HeAr yourself?!?” Ouch. Gil’s right - Malcolm sounds nuts. Unfortunately, Malcolm’s also right (more or less). Look at how sad Malcolm is - he honestly looks like he’s on the verge of a panic attack. :( Malcolm thinks Gil doesn’t trust him anymore. Malcolm thinks Gil thinks he’s crazy. It’s heartbreaking. SOMEONE HUG THIS LITTLE CINNAMON ROLL.

22:54 - JT, buddy. Not the time. You’re making this worse. :( Malcolm is two breaths away from crying.

23:40 - “Dani, you up for this? Cause he sure isn’t.” Gil is losing it. Look at him. Gil is watching the boy he considers as his son unravel and Gil can’t do anything about it.

23:45 - “Either way, he’s going there. I’ll keep an eye on him.” I love Dani for this. Brightwell or not - the fact that she’s willing to chase smoke in an attempt to keep Malcolm from having a full mental breakdown makes her a hero.

23:48 - JT, hug Gil! He needs a hug!

24:16 - Martin is screaming while shackled to a bed.....where have I seen this before?

25:39 - “I did this for you because you needed it.”....”Dani, I respect you.” Excuse me while I go sob in the corner. Malcolm just uttered the words “I respect you.” and my heart exploded.

26:11 - “You don’t care. None of you care if my father lives or dies.” No, Malcolm, you’re wrong. They care. They all care so so much. Not about the life of the Martin Whitly though. They care about how Martin Whitly will continue to torment you if he’s caught alive. They care about how badly you’ll grieve if he ends up dying. They care about how this will affect YOU. because they love you.

26:22 - “You would be free.” SAY IT LOUDER DANI! He’d be in enormous pain for a while, but Malcolm would heal.

26:56 - “Let him go, Malcolm.” <3 <3 Malcolm is listening to Dani. He’s opening up about his fears. This is good (for Malcolm’s mental health). I am happy.

27:04 - WOW BABY! That kiss was......passionate? I mean, we all knew they were going to kiss (thanks previews) but I honestly didn’t expect a kiss this long or passionate? They’ve both been clearly denying their feelings for each other for a while though so I guess it makes sense?

27:20 - We all know Dani was going to talk about how they could make a relationship work for them and/or how she loves Malcolm but thinks he should focus on his mental health before they start dating. BUT MALCOLM? That boy thinks he just ruined his friendship with Dani and I’m heartbroken. Look at his sad little face. :(

28:31 - sooooo when exactly did Malcolm’s phone call drop? I feel like Ainsley had more access to the conversation that just what she shares with Dani in a couple of minutes.

29:08 - Look at this sad, scared little boy. He genuinely thinks that saving Martin will earn Martin’s love. I’m heartbroken.

29:22 - THIS. Malcolm is so desperate for Martin’s love that he essentially consented to being kidnapped, tortured, and potentially murdered. :( This is bad.

30:06 - Malcolm took unknown drugs from a crazy person. UGH. The stress of loving this unstable man-child is going to kill me. I’m so worried for him. ALSO WHO THE HELL CHEWS PILLS?!?! That’s disgusting.

30:24 - Dani thinks Malcolm is being a typical guy - terrified of relationships/talking about his feelings. She’s hurt. The Brightwell ship has encountered another storm.

30:35 - Anyone else get major flashbacks to 1x11 when Gil shows up to the townhouse to tell Jessica that Malcolm’s been kidnapped? You know, when he walks past all the reporters?!

30:50 - Ugh. :( Poor Jessica. That call from Capshaw gave her quite the emotional dilemma. As she said earlier, she loves her children more than she hates Martin. Soooo does she tell someone about the call, save Martin, and let Martin continue to torment her children? Or does she let Capshaw kill Martin, compromise her morals, let her children grieve for a while - but ultimately heal? It’s an impossible choice.

31:13 - “I know why you’re anxious Jess.” UGH. Get yourself a man you looks at you the way Gil look at Jessica. So much love. So much concern. If Gil wasn’t fictional and I wasn’t asexual (and 24) I would marry that man.

31:23 - “He has become convinced that his father is a victim in all of this.” Gil is so upset. He’s angry - at Martin for having this much power over Malcolm so many years later. He’s angry that Malcolm is still suffering so much because of his father. He’s upset because Martin is still hurting the people Gil loves 23 years after he was initially arrested.

31:33 - “There’s no good outcome here Jess.” Thank you. Gil is a man with awareness into Malcolm’s psyche. He knows this is going to hurt Malcolm no matter what happens. He’s scared and he’s bracing himself for impact. I love him. I want more people in the world who love people this deeply.

31:50 - “It’s okay to hope for that you know.” THANK YOU GIL. THANK YOU. Someone needed to tell Jessica that she’s not a monster for wanting the reason her children continue to suffer to disappear (even if tha means he dies). It’s not a malicious, evil thought toward Martin. It’s a hope for her children’s wellbeing.

32:04 - “And in my weaker moments, I want him dead too.” <3 I’m imagining Gil praying that Martin is killed by an inmate after he comforts a teenage Malcolm from a nightmare. I’m imagining Gil praying Riker’s finally kills Martin as he watched Malcolm spiral into Martin’s grasp again last year. I’m imagining Gil crying himself to sleep because he’s so damn tired of watching Jessica and Malcolm suffer because of Martin. I love him for it. <3

32:15 - “Maybe things could be different.” .....I’m sorry. Does this mean Gillica is off again?! The flirting and dancing from 2x9 meant nothing?!? It was a hoax?!? I’m furious.

32:35 - “It’s the actions that matter.” Damn. Gil is too good for the nonsense that is the Whitly family. Doesn’t he know that life isn’t always that simple?

32:46 - Annnnnd now Jessica will convince herself that she’s a bad person because she didn’t tell anyone about Capshaw’s call. She will also convince herself that she’s not good enought for Gil. AND I will cry myself to sleep.

32:55 - That hug <3 Sooooo Gillica is still on? I’m hella confused.

33:05 - There it is. Dani is still upset with Malcolm. The Brightwell ship is taking in water my dudes.

33:52 - Wow. He looks pretty in that makeshift hospital bed. Sleeves rolled up. Shirt half unbuttoned. Glazed, disoriented look about him as he wakes from a drugged sleep. <3 I’m in heaven.

34:30 - This is why Malcolm can never let Martin go. There are moments when Martin absolutely convinces Malcolm that he loves him.

34:50 - “Because he also happens to be my father.” THIS. IS. THE. MOST. REALISTIC. PORTRAYAL. OF. ABUSIVE. DADDY. ISSUES. Take from someone who lived through an abusive Dad. You hate him. You know he’s messed up. You don’t like or respect him. But a part of you will always love him. Even though you hate that part of yourself.

35:12 - “I want all of you.” .....I’m terrified. This woman is crazy. Crazier than the Surgeon. Is that possible?

36:05 - “You want him to love you. But he can’t.” Have you said that to yourself Malcolm? You know that logically but you don’t feel that in your heart. ....and the writers don’t know that because we’ve seen that Martin loves Malcolm? Sort of? Unless the writers are playing some sort of weird long con on us.

36:50 - This is whump content I signed up for. This crazy bitch just killed Malcolm. We saw the terror in his eyes. BUT HE LIVES. So. I’m. Here. For. It.

36:58 - Martin’s devotion to Malcolm is so so interesting to me. Martin is a psychopath - he’s not supposed to be capable of love. But he clearly loves Malcolm. How? Why? It makes no sense but I love it?

37:47 - Malcolm’s little wheeze when Vivian starts mitigating the embolism. <3 So cute.

37:53 - “I can do without the mansplaining.” I’m getting PTSD. There are too many real women who are this crazy about feminism and mansplaining (this is coming from a woman). Martin isn’t trying to ‘mansplain’ he’s scared and he’s trying to save his son. That’s not mansplaining. He’s not explaining something because he thinks Vivian doesn’t know it. He’s explaining something in a desperate attempt to remind her of the severity of the situation.

38:16 - HOW THE HELL did Ainsley and Dani know where Martin, Capshaw, and Malcolm were? Either 1) Ainsley is somehow working with Capshaw, or 2) they were able to trace Malcolm’s cell (assuming Capshaw didn’t trash it), or 3) Ainsley knew her mom was lying about that phone call and they had it traced?, or 4) this is a convenient plot thing.

38:34 - This bitch is devious and I hate her.

39:30 - Martin Whitly is the hero of the episode. What alternate reality are we living in?

41:15 - Malcolm struggling for breath. <3 The whumpers are being FED.

41:17 - “Run.” This is 23 years of guilt for turning his own father into the police surfacing.

41:31 - “Where’s my family?” I honestly don’t know how I feel about this line. It bothers me but I can’t figure out why.

41:43 - This ending sequence is a work of ART. Malcolm is in physical and emotional pain. Dani (without backup) trying to save Malcolm from Martin. The epic music. The shot of Dani seeing the blood-filled syringe next to the makeshift hospital bed+restraints. Martin Whitly. Driving. A. Boat. And. Laughing - completely elated - with Malcolm passed out (and looking adorable) in the aft seating. The fact that the ONLY house you can see on the shoreline is the house the just escaped from.

THIS EPISODE WAS EXCITING, STRESSFUL, AND WONDERFUL. I’m excited for the SEASON finale and I pray we get a season 3 from a network other than FOX.

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gqazngaming · 4 years

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The Musou Mashup! Warriors All-Stars Review

Warriors All-Stars is a celebration of Koei Tecmo characters in one a new musou game.

The Roots

I still remember my first taste of musou. The Dynasty Warriors series has been around since the launch of the Playstation 2 era. Released on August 3, 2000 Dynasty Warriors changed the beat em up formula from the 2D platform on to the 3D platform. Just in case you don't know what Dynasty Warriors is, it is based off the Romance of the Three Kingdoms franchise. ROTK is famously known as a strategy game and Dynasty Warriors is to be the action genre of ROTK. This was my first memorable jump from 2D to 3D on the beat em up genre.

The Mechanics

Much like my Dungeon Fighter Online review, beat em ups are often labelled as repetitive. But much like Dungeon Fighter it's all about "how you fight, which means characters play a big role in creating variety in a game with repetitive gameplay. It's no secret. You have to like this type of game to enjoy it. If you enjoy the characters of Koei Tecmo games and the Dynasty Warriors formula this game was created for that desire.

Every musou iteration will have it's own special game, combat, and system mechanics. From Dynasty Warriors, Samurai Warriors, Orochi Warriors, and more each game has it's own type of combat system. As the games developed over time W-Force (DW's developer) has added and removed certain things to keep the game fresh. Some changes are welcome and some changes seemed unnecessary. Personally, being able to add more into a game is more important than taking away. The player can also choose to use certain combat mechanics and options. Having that option will always add value to the game.

New(ish) but familiar combat

If you've played a musou game, picking up this game will be natural to you. Typical Dynasty Warriors fanfare. There's an main attack and a heavy attack, a jump button, and a musou (special) button. Reach character will have it their own combat tree but not every character is unique. The characters fall under specific combat molds and skill trees. There isn't really much new to the combat with a few exceptions of a few addition "tag features". Pressing a direction on the d-pad will enable you to temporarily tag in one of the 4 members of your squad. After a few minutes you will return to your main character. It's a strange addition but I applaud them for trying to keep it fresh.

The Look

Warriors All-Stars is not going to break any boundaries in it's graphics department. Character models carry specific rigs that are will be shared with the roster. You'll find many of the character models share the same neutral pose and moving animations. I will say that Warriors All-Stars does do a great job with "keeping it together". Very seldom I encountered frame drops especially with all the spark effects and the amount character models on the screen. I still remember in older Dynasty Warriors titles where character models would disappear during combat so compensate for frame rate. The power of the older system could not sustain the vision of what musou games were trying to achieve.

The Story/Plot

Koei Tecmo characters are summoned to a new world where three members of the royal family are fighting for each sacred treasure they hold to save their world from impending doom. The goal is to combine the three sacred treasures to save a spring that brings life to the world. Each member of the royal family summons their own set of Koei Tecmo characters and as you progress you will meet and acquire more heroes to add to your roster. The plot unravels the more you play. And as you play you find out that there is more to the story than meets the eye.

SPOILERS Once you unlock specific heroes and achieve certain criteria different story paths will unlock that will lead to one of the many endings. This game offers multiple playthroughs depending on which characters you have unlocked and which faction you decided to fight for. Personally, I unlocked about seven to eight endings on my blind run. I later returned to the game to pursue the true ending. There are also hero endings that are more focused on the relationships of some heroes. These are what I call optional endings.

The Sound

In my opinion, EVERY music of a musou game sounds the game. It doesn't matter if you've played Dynasty, Samurai, Arlsan, Berserk, One Piece, musou music is very noticeable. Instrumental J-Rock riffs with some remixed themes from certain stages of each franchises games do show up. Another good thing is you can pick the background music before a stage loads. Having control of the music does give it more variety but personally, I did not pay much attention to the music.

The Feel

It feels.. well.. like a Dynasty Warriors game. LOL. There are some characters that offer more impact with some of their move sets but it will ultimately break down to which characters move set you prefer to beat the level as quick as possible to move the story along and grind out those levels. It always feels good to play a musou game when you want to feel like strong bad ass. Video games are suppose to be fun right?

The Why

Why should you play this? Check some off this list:

Do you like Dynasty Warriors? Do you like the Musou series in general? Do you like any of the playable characters in the game? Have you ever wished there was a Musou game of the character you picked? Do you want to feel like a super powered warrior in a battlefield?

If you said yes to 90% of these things you should play it. I'd like to confess that I DID NOT buy this game at launch nor did I buy it a full price. As a long time gamer I KNOW what musou games are and what they have to offer. Personally, I don't like to play full price for games that I want to play and not NEED to play. I already knew what this game had to offer and I picked it up at a $19.99 price point new. With so many games release and my ever increasing backlog, I can afford to wait. And unless they release another musou game that blows me out of the water I won't be picking up any of them at launch anytime soon.

Last Thoughts

Referencing on "The Why" if you are a fan of the series, just add this to the many other iterations of the musou series. If you are collecting, it's a must have to add to your collection. I enjoy mash-ups and collaborations and Warriors All-Stars did a decent job placing characters in cel-shaded JRPGS into an action brawler title. If you are a fan of any of the playable characters, you will either enjoy this game or think this game is weird. I don't blame you. Remember when they made Hyrule Warriors? They put Link in turned him into a musou character. Many people thought it was a weird Zelda game, but what they really needed to know was it was a musou game with Link as the main character.

If you can pick up this title at around $20-30 dollars it will be worth your time. There is over 20-30 hours of gameplay in there. Fair warning as I repeat my statement from earlier, if you aren't a fan of musou games this game may not change your mind. But if you have an open mind and a wallet, it wouldn't hurt to try and play this decent average action game.

If you are looking to pick up this game check out my affiliate link below: https://amzn.to/31NweGo

GQAzndood

Headmaster of GQAzndood Gaming Check out my social media: Twitter: https://twitter.com/GQAznGaming Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/gqazndood YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/gqazndood Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GQAznGaming/

#videogames #gaming #gamereviews #musou #dynastywarriors #koei #tecmo #samuraiwarriors #orochiwarriors #wforce #nerd #geek #koeitecmo

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data-monkey · 5 years

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AO3 stats project: correlations

Okay. Now for some really fun stuff: correlations between different categories of metadata (like, correlations between ratings and tags, character tags and genre tags, etc). And as with the previous post in this series, some of the content I discuss may not be strictly work-appropriate.

Thanks to @eloiserummaging for beta reading these posts; any remaining errors are my own. A Python notebook showing the code I used to make these plots can be found here.

All right. We've got a list of top tags now. How do those tags relate to each other? That is, if I have a work labeled "Fluff", does that change how likely it is that that work will also be labeled "Angst"? I'm plotting, here, a matrix that answers that question directly. I can compute how often "Fluff" and "Angst" would appear together if they were just randomly assigned to all 4.3 million works that I collected metadata for. The blocks I'm showing below are colored by whether the actual number of times "Fluff" and "Angst" appear together is greater or lesser than that expectation. (We do it that way, instead of just counting the raw number of connections, because otherwise it looks like everything is correlated with "Fluff", just because there are a lot of works labeled "Fluff" in the data set.) If I pick two tags--say, "Fluff" on the bottom, and "Angst" on the left--I can follow them to where they intersect, and the color of that little block tells me about whether they're correlated. Things that are pink are less likely than you'd expect to appear together, while things that are green are more likely. The diagonal line is always that pale green-grey color because, by definition, "Romance" appears with "Romance" exactly as often as you'd expect, and the graph is symmetric across that diagonal line because it doesn't matter if we take "Fluff" then "Angst" or "Angst" then "Fluff."

So one really interesting thing is that this plot is mostly green (so things are correlated). Not only do these tags appear a lot, but they appear together more than you’d expect, and even when they’re anti-correlated--that is, when being labeled one makes you less likely to be labeled another--it’s not by very much. The strongest correlation is between “Romance” and “Humor”, so I guess the rom com is alive and well! Angst and hurt/comfort also appear together a lot, which I suppose makes sense.

We can make correlation plots like this for other things. How about pairing types?

Per the AO3, “Multi” means “more than one kind of relationship, or a relationship with multiple partners”, and “Other” means “everything not covered by the other labels”. The structure of this is kind of interesting, too. Remember, pink means things are anti-correlated (appear together less often than expected) and green means they’re correlated (appear together MORE often than expected), so M/M is the Lone Ranger of pairing types, making all other pairing types less likely if it's included. Even more than Gen, which you’d expect to exclude other categories!

Now for the REALLY fun stuff: how do all of these things correlate with other things? Here's an obvious one: ratings vs tags. No more symmetry, because we're showing different things on the two axes.

Not too surprised by this: “Smut” has a really strong relationship with rating, because most works of erotica deserve the higher ratings. The other tags are much less correlated with rating; Fluff and Humor incline to lower ratings, Established Relationship to higher ratings, and the others are kind of in the middle.

Do ratings and tags correlate with pairing type?

Hmm. Interesting. Romance is way more likely to be F/M than you’d expect. (Do we not write as many M/M romances, or do we just call them something else? A couple of friends also pointed out to me that this might mean “romance” as in “the publication genre of romance” not as in “romantic plotlines generally”, which makes sense and would make them more M/F-heavy given publication trends.) Established relationship is very skewed to M/M. Gen anti-correlates with most of the tags you’d expect. Apparently only single-pairing romantic relationships can be fluffy. F/F is neither as funny nor as angsty as chance would indicate.

I think this pattern can be explained this way: Gen is way more likely to be a low rating, and the trend you see for most other things is just that we’re comparing to the average--if Gen is way more likely to be rated General Audiences than is typical, then the other pairing types have to be slightly less General Audiences than you’d expect to make up for it. (This argument doesn’t necessarily apply to the other correlations I was showing, because in those plots there are a bunch of tags I’m not showing and because non-ratings tags can appear together.)

How about the top relationship tags--do they correlate with anything?

Huh. Well, most of these ships have preferentially high ratings--I think that’s the same effect as in the rating and pairing correlation: things without a romantic/sexual relationship have lower ratings, so on average the works containing relationships will have a higher rating. That’s not universal--look at Magnus/Alec, for example--but it’s common. The other two obvious things here are 1) Dean/Sam really skews to high ratings, 2) apparently Harry/Louis fans reject the rating system.

Okay, that’s...less interesting than I was expecting. Lots of Harry/Louis smut, lots of Keith/Lance modern AUs. The most likely established relationship is Derek/Stiles. Magnus/Alex and Yuuri/Victor are the fluffiest. Not much romance, except for Draco/Harry, and that pairing also has an unusual amount of humor.

What about character tags?

Hmm. Looks like there are a lot of teen-rated Marvel works, and Supernatural leans towards the higher ratings (which we already knew).

This basically just repeats stuff we already noticed in the relationships plot, I think. One thing I didn’t notice up there is that John and Sherlock are not that likely to be tagged in Established Relationship works, which is kind of interesting as they’re long-term partners (not necessarily romantic partners) in most versions of the canon.

How about characters and pairing type...are there characters that appear more often in one kind of pairing than you'd expect based on randomness? (Note that all these characters appear most in M/M stories, because those are by far the most common--this is just asking a relative question about how much they appear in other kinds of stories.)

Mostly not super interesting, I have to say. Steve, Tony, Natasha, and Harry Potter are all more likely than usual to appear in poly relationships or in F/M stories, apparently, and Stiles and Castiel are less likely than usual to appear in gen works.

Finally, a really fun thing (that I have to link to an external site to do, because tumblr doesn’t like javascript in posts). Instead of just looking at the top 10 tags, here are the top 100 tags portrayed as dots, arranged in a connected graph: the dots represent tags (with the popularity of the tag represented by its size), and they’re connected by lines whose thickness indicates how often the two things appear together, relative to chance. You can also use this kind of setup to work out sets of interconnected tags that are more closely tied to each other than to the other tags. I colored those sets with different colors, so you can identify them. Hovering your mouse pointer over a dot should tell you which tag it is.

Here are the blocks of tags that the algorithm found:

Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Christmas, Crack, Cute, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff And Humor, Humor, Light Angst, One Shot, Romance, Tooth-Rotting Fluff

Angst, Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Dark, Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Magic, Minor Character Death, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Violence

Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Crossover, Drabble, Drama, Family, Friendship, Future Fic, Post-Canon, Pre-Slash, Spoilers

Alcohol, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, Fluff And Smut, Jealousy, Kissing, Mpreg, Polyamory, Sex, Sexual Content, Slash, Smut

Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bdsm, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Dirty Talk, Dom/Sub, Dubious Consent, Hand Jobs, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rimming, Rough Sex, Spanking

Angst With A Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff And Angst, Friends To Lovers, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Love, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags To Be Added, Pining, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Swearing, Unrequited Love

I love this! To me, those sets look like: fluffy plot-based tags, violence and disturbing content tags, more action-oriented plot-based tags, less explicit vanilla-ish erotica tags, more explicit or kinky erotica tags, and romance. That’s so cool. (Not everything makes sense--why is Drabble where it is?--but still, cool.)

Or in other words: some numerical routines correctly identified the porn. :)

Up next: what gets kudos?

#fan stats #ao3 #fanstats

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moistwithgender · 5 years

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Monthly Media Roundup (May 2019)

The march of time inexorably proceeds beyond my grasp and so I must write another post. I’ve been a bit burned out, just focusing on one diversion (it was Zelda, you know it was Zelda), but after finishing it I recovered enough energy to get a few more things done in the last half of the month. I didn’t watch any anime or read any manga in May, though I did read some 70s Marvel, which I liveblog in my “curry reads comics” tag. Last time I did an actual capital-P Post about my Marvel reading was a year ago after marathoning a full(ish) decade. If people are interested in more of that I could work at making posts for each year of issues I read, recapping the developments and my thoughts on them (which will become more relevant as Events become more common, I imagine). I’ve just got a few games to talk about this month, but I imagine I have a lot to say about at least one of them.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (Switch): 2 years ago I did something I extremely rarely do: stood in line at a Best Buy at midnight for the release of the Switch so that I could buy it with BotW. BotW was also out on Wii U, which I had, but the promotional material for BotW had struck such a chord in me that it justified making the jump for the new console (this would eventually become troublesome when the first model of joycons failed, but, well). I got home, put some ten odd hours into it, and then put it down for two years. I’ve always had a problem where, struck with the intuition that I will end up forming a deep relationship with a work, I will put it off for years. I put off Persona 3 for five years after buying it at launch, and it eventually became the most personal game experience I would have, even seven years onward. I think the two factors that pushed me to finally play through BotW was wanting to watch a friend stream it (but also not wanting it spoiled for me), and needing a distraction for when I was taking care of my cat.

It’s been about two months now since he passed away, and I finally finished the game at 215+ hours about half a month ago. So, I was playing this game as a coping method while preparing for loss, and in dealing with loss. It’s appropriate that the game is effectively both a fantasy about reclaiming at least part of what you have lost, and a colossal exercise in coping. The game is as much about getting distracted from your responsibilities and fucking off to snowboard in the mountains as it is about being aware of the world around you. The Zelda games have frequently used themes of Shintoism to portray harmony in nature and in civilization. I’m currently replaying Ocarina of Time and the cosmogony myth (is it a myth if a talking tree explains it to you?) specifically words the goddesses as “[giving] the spirit of law to the world” and “[producing] all life forms who would uphold the law.” When I was younger (see: early 20s) I didn’t scrutinize the text much but now I figure it’s reasonable to read “law” as “natural order”. It should be noted that for an N64 game, OoT has remarkably good prose. BotW, in transitioning the series in what may be its third main genre (as opposed to the genres of Zelda 1 and OoT), has taken that Shintoist aesthetic and incorporated it into the entire philosophy of the game’s design. More than just being a game whose narrative concerns an imbalanced world, BotW embraces the trends of open worlds and immersive sims to create an immense, varied space where the coded laws of physics are always impacting the experience. Thunderstorms make metal equipment a liability, while rain covers the sounds of footsteps. Wind can sweep away items, fire and high temperatures affect flammable objects (including yourself), and aforementioned metallic items can conduct electricity, which can be used to solve puzzles in unintended ways. Weather changes regularly based on the region and changes the world in tandem. Rain doesn’t just fall, it actively collects, and ponds become bigger, and surfaces become slicker. Each systemic element (pun not intended) that was incorporated affected everything else in the world, and in interviews there were mentions that changing the volume of wind in one area had a butterfly effect on another, causing pots to fly off of patios in a village. It’s no wonder the game took five years to make, considering how rarely glitches occur in the game (and most that I know of have to be deliberately recreated for exploitation). You’re engaging with enemies as much as you are with the environment, and at times even with your own body, creating and consuming food and drink for the purpose of staving off sunstroke or frostbite. As a result, BotW’s Hyrule is immensely palpable, and easy to lose oneself in from how livable it feels.

When I first started playing at release, I was a bit disappointed to discover that villages existed in-game, as early promotional material and the state of the Great Plateau you start on painted a picture of a lonely world. In the end, the soundtrack and vast amount of uncolonized land does give an understated sense of melancholy that defines the game, though the fact that every five steps you’ll find a Korok micropuzzle waiting to YA HA HA and fanfare at you betrays that a bit (I still love those Koroks and their puzzles, don’t @ me). The NPCs in this are numerous, though, from the occupants of the villages to wandering traders, and their personalities are all distinct and charming, and probably the best I’ve ever seen in a game, or at least in a long time. If this game wasn’t railroading the Link/Zelda relationship so hard, I would have liked a Dragon’s Dogma-style “date any NPC (within reason)” mechanic. I’m just going to have to start a “NPCs you should marry” side-tumblr.

Another defining aspect of the gameplay, and easily what makes the game surpass arguably every other Zelda, is how Nintendo heard the decade or so of complaints about the linear Zelda lock-and-key formula being reiterated to the point of stagnation, and, after great success with A Link Between Worlds’ item rental subversion, just decided to make everything optional. You do the tutorial on the Great Plateau, and, if you feel especially gutsy, you can beeline it straight to Ganon. He’s in horse-riding distance, or running distance, if you’re tenacious. Will you make it to him, survive the hordes of enemies, and take him down? If it’s your first time playing the game and you haven’t learned the systems, probably not. Is it possible? Absolutely. Much like how the monthly cycle of a Persona game is a proverbial Rocky training montage of preparing for The Big Fight, everything you do in BotW is in preparation. A lot of open world games can feel dissonant in that you’re incentivized to be distracted as a player and make your own fun, meanwhile the protagonist keeps saying “I’m gonna get bloody revenge on the mafia boss!” during bowling matches. There is still, unavoidably, a sense of urgency played up for narrative sake in BotW, since Impa insists Zelda is waiting and can’t hold Ganon back forever, but it’s all much more narratively justifiable, if you want that. You know, because Zelda is for hardcore roleplaying.

I couldn’t resist a second playthrough, even after logging 215+ hours, so I went ahead and started a separate file on Master Mode, Nintendo’s weird in-house, in-franchise rebranding of, uh, a hard mode. Previously it was called Hero Mode. Why do you--well, okay, I know why they do it. They’re likely trying to distinguish it from a “we just tweaked the numbers” hard mode, and also want to make it feel less threatening than something labeled hard mode. If they’re going to go to the trouble to make it a distinct form of play, they want to try and appeal to everyone. And it is fairly distinct. All enemies are bumped up one rank, so a red bokoblin is blue, and a blue bokoblin is black, and so on. There is a new strongest rank of enemy, though in my run I did not seek them out. There are enemies (and treasure chests!) perched on flying rafts, which can be one-shot with proper bow aiming, but also carry dangerous elemental arrows, and can alert all other enemies in the area. Stealth is much more difficult, and pointless early in. All enemies regenerate up to a third of their health, including bosses! Though, that can be temporarily interrupted by inflicting any amount of damage on them, so it behooves you to be on the offense. Less autosave slots! This wasn’t a problem for me. Guardians randomly delay the firing of their beams! This was absolutely a problem for me and I avoided them entirely in my run. In the beginning when tools and resources are scare, particularly on the Great Plateau, Master Mode is at its hardest, and its most thrilling. Rather than aimlessly exploring, I was pressured to decide where I knew things were, and beeline it to them. Sometime in-between two of the four main optional dungeons, I had amassed enough valuable resources that the game had settled back into the same kind of difficulty as normal mode. Bosses were a little harder due to regen and my resources being somewhat scarcer, but they were manageable. Competently performing flurry attacks (upon successfully dodging attacks at the last second) was extremely valuable to me, but I imagine with enough food in my inventory, I could have brute forced my way through a lot of the fights (though, uh, obviously thou wouldst like to live deliciously (please hate me for this phrasing)). I chose to forego the Master Sword for the sake of challenge, and beat Master Mode with only seven hearts, in around 25 hours. You should play Master Mode, it’s fun.

Here’s a little gameplay SPOILER:

Something I haven’t done, but would like to eventually do, is avoid the main dungeons and just head straight to Ganon. When I played Master Mode, I wasn’t totally confident, and did the dungeons for the resources. After watching some speedruns I learned that if you skip the dungeons, and therefore the main bosses, you have to fight them all at once immediately before the fight with Ganon, without breaks.

That. Sounds. Great.

Wandersong (PC/Steam): Have you heard about Homestuck?

Okay, wait. Wait. Come back, wait. Stop leaving. PLEASE.

Okay, I got the most inflammatory sentence out of the way. Now that we’re eased into that: Wandersong is unignorably influenced by Homestuck. Homestuck conjured a lot of baggage, from having a really difficult, pretentious, arrogant author (I should know, I gave him the benefit of the doubt for way too long), to having some unfortunate narrative turns, to being a billion words long. Wandersong invokes the vaster-than-God scope, the minute and personal perspective of the heroes, and its inclinations toward emotional intelligence (it still surprises me Homestuck had these moments given the author’s deeply unsympathetic sense of humor), and… condenses it! It also makes it a light puzzle-platformer and is about performing music (note: not rhythm, you don’t have to have ANY rhythm), and looks like a Paper Mario game. It is very charming, very funny, very optimistic, and most surprisingly, uncompromising at times. Wandersong says that you, despite your role, are capable of great things, especially self growth and change, as long as you commit to it. If, faced with the consequences of your bad decisions, you choose to double down and keep at it, you will reap what you sow. This is distinctly different from Undertale’s brand of pacifism route optimism, where “no one has to die!” This brand of optimism is a measured but enthusiastic “you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved, but you can save the rest” and I think that’s a uniquely valuable message.

I was a little confused about the resolution of the communist uprising chapter, but I recall the game bringing my cynicism into question, and the most important thing a work can do is make you question yourself.

(Also, if any of my mutuals are low on funds but interested, I do have a drm-free version I can share.)

Minit (PC/Steam): I don’t think I actually have a lot to say about Minit! It’s very fun and curious and short. You play a little… duck… thing, and you pick up a cursed sword which kills you in one minute. Then you wake up the next day, and die in a minute. Then you wake up the next day. Having only sixty seconds of vitality, you have to optimize your exploration. There’s a slow-speaking old man who you will die listening to, but the hint he gives at the end of his sentence will lead you to something valuable. There’s a guy in a bar angry about the lack of music. If you change the music, he will probably dislike it. If you keep changing the music, you might live to see him like it. There’s a boat ride to a tropical island you have to grit your teeth and wait through. Not all of the events are slow, some are quick bouts of hurried exploration. Most of it is, given the time limit. I’d say more, but given the overall length (it took me about an hour to finish), I’d risk spoiling a sizable fraction of the experience. It’s about $10, though I got mine in a Humble Bundle Monthly subscription. The spec requirements are very low, so your laptop can likely run it.

A Hat in Time (PC/Steam): Heads up, I’m gonna get into a lot of spoilers for this game, including endgame spoilers, but also heads up, the story isn’t really the point in this game. This is a game about tone and platforming. That said, I’m gonna be talking exclusively about the weird ideas in this game, and if you want those weird ideas to be a surprise, then just skip ahead until I put up big letters.

I’m somewhat hesitant to be critical of A Hat in Time because despite a number of weird Things about it, I recognize that it’s quite popular with a lot of people, and that always makes me pause and want to figure out what it is that makes it pass the bar for others. My guess at this point is that it invokes nostalgia through its unmitigated imitation of games that came before. The games it chooses to ape are all your childhood’s Greatest Hits, Wind Waker (which it most resembled in its earliest development), Super Mario Sunshine/Galaxy (which it most resembles now), Banjo-Kazooie, Psychonauts, etc. It never really surpasses those games, for me, and at times cribs from them to the degree that it obscures the game’s own identity. After all, what you enjoy may help define you, but you wouldn’t say it’s your personality. Well. Unless you kin the Gamecube. I guess. There are bonus levels to the game’s different “worlds” (I thought they were different planets, since your hub area is a spaceship, and you access them via different telescopes, but it turns out it’s just one planet?), and you can collect photographs, which sequentially tell a story about the residents of that “world”. Psychonauts did this because each level took place in the mind of a character, and the photos together told a story about the character that fundamentally changed the way you thought about them, and made the whole game feel richer as a result. I collected the photos for all but the DLC levels in AHiT (those are Really Hard), and of those five or so worlds, none of those bonus photos told me anything that changed how I thought about the characters. There’s a dock town run by a mafia (s-sorta) led by a chef, but did you know they all used to work at a processing factory before going there? There are two manipulative bird directors who are fighting over the same studio to produce their own film and win an award, but did you know they… wanted to be directors since they were kids? There’s a devil analogue who steals people’s souls if they wander into his forest, but did you know he was a prince, and the princess was mad he talked to another girl (it was a flower girl, he was getting flowers for the princess), and imprisoned him until they both the prince and princess turned into evil ghosts? That’s the only one that comes close to being an “oh” moment, but I don’t think it does for the reasons the writer was hoping for. In general, these are prologues without substance.

Speaking of substance, the game has a bit of an issue with theming. At least, it does at first. The first town is the previously mentioned dock town, run by a mafia. By “mafia”, I mean a bunch of meatheads who talk about how they like punching people, and refer to themselves individually, in the third person, as Mafia. Mafia loves to punch the poor and the birds. Mafia is a one-dimensional character copy-pasted across 20% of the game. Mafia laughs. They’re run by a chef, but also they can’t cook, so there’s a cat chef in hiding who routinely swaps out their food with his so no one has to eat bad food. I don’t know why, when the town has maybe three non-Mafia character. He does eventually leave and board your ship, so maybe he’s just looking for something to do. The leader of the mafia also boards your ship, for a joke and to sell you an upgrade. The mafia are also afraid of mud monsters, or aliens, or something. There’s a girl with a moustache named Moustache Girl who wants to use your Time Macguffins to overthrow organized crime, and Hat Girl decides that’s a no-go. There are giant faucets around the town that replace all the water with lava. You might be noticing these things have little to no connection. You might be suspecting this level was made first when the dev was inexperienced. I might be suspecting this. It’s fine.

Later worlds do a much better job of theming. There’s the movie studio split between two birds. One of them a penguin, who prefers science fiction, the other a…

...hmmm. I suspect this guy, The Conductor, is an OC the director has had for a while, maybe since childhood, that they just decided Is A Bird, and carried it into the game, since the game occasionally is like... bird?? Alternatively, it’s some sort of corruption of Woodstock from Peanuts. Possibly both. Anyway, this guy just wants to make movies that take place on wild western trains. He has a strong fake Scottish accent, and the penguin, named DJ Grooves, is some sort of disco Elvis. They’ve both hired owls as actors, and some crows have snuck onto the train set (the crows are so obviously the G-Men from Psychonauts’ Milkman level it bothers me a bit). This is already a little busy, but it’s okay! Birds, movies, two distinct genres, and you trapped in-between them, just trying to collect your macguffins. It works. You take part in both of their movies, and your performance in both determines the winner, when suddenly… CORRUPTION WAS AFOOT, and you have to explore the depths of the studio and engage in a showdown.

Another world is a spooky forest where your access is restricted by completing certain contracts for the devilish character. Sometimes it’s murder (reasonable), exploring a haunted mansion in survival horror format (ooh!), fixing the plumbing in a well (wait, what), and doing mail delivery (back up back up). Half of that works. The finale of the forest makes up for it, though. This game insists on most of its bosses having like 4-5 phases and breaks for dialogue and the gall required to get away with that honestly earned my respect. They’re pretty fun times.

The best level to play is, unsurprisingly, the first DLC. I say unsurprising because it’s clear the dev is learning as they go, and the level design improves as they go along. Aside from bonus levels, the first DLC takes place on a massive cruise liner titled the SS Literally Can’t Sink. Ha ha. It’s split into three parts. The first part has you exploring the many interconnected rooms of the ship to find broken shards of a macguffin, the second part has you taking that mental map and using it to frantically complete multiple timed fetch quests at once, and the third part, now that you understand the ship pretty intimately, capsizes the ship, requiring you to traverse frigid waters and overturned scenery to retrieve babies and the ship’s incompetent but adorable baby seal crew (the seals speak in hewwo talk, the game is unforgivably loaded with memes but let me have this). This progression is my favorite in the game, and while I haven’t bought the Nyakuza Metro DLC, I’m looking forward to it.

The ending level had me a bit bewildered at first because in the beginning when Hat Kid refuses to use time powers to stop organized crime, I saw it as a hamfisted way to create tension between Hat Kid and Moustache Girl. Apparently it was working up towards the moral of the story. In the final level, Moustache Girl has stolen all the macguffins, and possessing ultimate power, becomes corrupted ultimately, and summons everyone in the world to her Bowser castle to be judged and die. On first glance, I thought “well, sure, that’s sensible,” but when Hat Kid finds the support of all the villains in the game, I was a little confused. The villains sacrifice themselves to give you infinite health, explicitly stating that they’ll just come back through time magic if you win so who cares (cool stakes), and you overcome authoritarianism with the support of corrupt hollywood, organized crime, and the literal devil. This would be fine if at some point Hat Kid, you know, took them on a Zuko Quest to face turn all of them, but that doesn’t happen. They just all decide “hey yeah, fuck this girl! Also we don’t have time for the nuance this might require!” After all is said and done and you collect all your macguffins, you’re given the choice of leaving the defeated Moustache Girl a single macguffin so she can defeat the mafia (whose side are we on) or just saying nahhh. Neither appears to make a difference, but maybe in a year or two we’ll get a DLC that makes you regret your words and deeds. You try to fly your ship to your home planet, and the villains all grab on to your ship, which is in space, begging you not to leave. I seriously suspect they intended to incorporate face-turn scenes and just couldn’t find the time, because nothing but physical proximity implies these guys would have any emotional attachment to Hat Kid, and that’s a bit of a stretch. Anyway, Hat Kid brooms them off the ship to plummet down to earth and flies away. Sheds a tear about the whole thing. In the end, the moral was that Order good, but too much Order bad, except if you are Hat Kid, in which case Chaos good. Or maybe…

After finishing the game I decided to look into any left over secrets, since my completion score was in the 80s of percents. Turns out that if you use the camera badge to finagle the free look feature into a marginally open armoire somewhere on your spaceship, you can find a shrine to Hat Kid with a couple skulls, a bunch of blurry photos, and some strange symbols. If you doing this while wearing the mask that lets you see the secrets of the dead (for platforming and puzzle purposes, of course), there’s a bunch of alien text you can decode. And then there’s some youtube channels. And a twitter account. All sharing more of those decodable ciphers, all talking about vague dreamy apocalyptic histories and dark betrayals. Or something. That’s right, this game’s got a fucking ARG. I cut things off there. If the developer Gears for Breakfast is gonna make an occultist grimdark sequel to A Hat in Time, they can put up a trailer for it.

OKAY I’M DONE TALKING ABOUT A HAT IN TIME, the short of it is that I had a lot of mixed feelings but had fun.

How did I end up talking more about A Hat in Time than Breath of the Wild? What are my priorities?

Well, that’s everything I finished in May! Will I get back to anime and manga in June? Guess we’ll see! Again, let me know if you want me to do year-recap Marvel posts, since my liveblogging is mostly just shitposts, and the occasional attempt at thoughtfulness among those posts feels kind of out of place. Honestly, I’m probably gonna do that anyway, but it’s nice to see interest. If you read all this, thanks a lot! Go play Breath of the Wild and Wandersong.

#curry plays games

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village-skeptic · 7 years

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Do you have any fic recs when it comes to the parents of Riverdale?? They're just as compelling if not more than the kids, IMO, but you don't see as much fanfic about them.

Hello lovely anon!!! I do have some recs for you. I still intend to do a longer recs post one day, but a Riverparents fic rec request was specialized enough that I could knock it out quickly-ish.

A few notes before we begin:

This is not an exhaustive list, merely what I had bookmarked and/or what was easy to find. I KNOW I’ve left some good ones out accidentally. Feel free to reblog and add your faves!

I’ve also included some that, even though I liked them, might not turn out to be to your taste. YMMV; each to their own; à chacun son goût.

While not everything here is explicit or even sexy, this is definitely a NSFW rec list. Mind the tags. Self-select wisely.

Ensemble

@bewareoftrips - Children of the Revolution is a delight, you guys. Each chapter of this Riverparents high school-era fic focuses on a different character/pairing. So far we have Mary and Fred, Alice and Hal, and Hermione and Fred (and Hiram). Great stuff.

Fred Andrews

If you want to read about Fred, you should be reading anything and everything by @fredheads AKA jugheadjones. There’s current WIP (and totally safe for work!) Riverdale High’s Last Annual Father-Daughter Winter Fling, in which Fred escorts Veronica to the titular dance and chaos ensues;

hands over the ears of my heart which is Fred and Hermione processing their shared past and discussing parenthood;

guess that we were too much of the same kind, which features Fred recovering and thinking about the past (lots of Andrews family feels here);

what looks like will be an entire collection of fics about the Riverparents’ senior year and

sometimes wonder what’s beneath the mess you’ve become - which is Fred/Alice, featuring baseball and nostalgia on a hot summer’s day (don’t fight me on this, just enjoy it!)

One of my other favorite Fred fics that is also a Bughead fic is @zombiekittez - Can’t Fall If You Don’t Climb - which has (extremely touching) pre-canon elements and thus glimpses of Fred and Mary in happier times.

Plaid Dads (FP/Fred)

@nimmieamee - You Can’t Disparage (which is also Fred/Hermione) - a positively delightful confection of snark and tropes (”marriage of convenience” and “switched at birth” to be precise)

AdamantSteve’sThe Shaggin’ Wagon - probably the first FP/Fred fic I ever read, involving these two on a road trip as senior year comes to an end

@fredheads‘ nice day for a white wedding is more of Fred’s recovery, but as seen through FP’s eyes doctorkaitlyn’s stages of healing, in which Fred is into FP’s scars.

Snakeparents! (FP/Alice)

@yavannies‘ one-shot Alice is required reading for this pairing, as well as for just a brilliant Alice Cooper character study, and for high school Riverparents dynamics in general.

punk_rock_yuppie’s This War is Crazy (i won’t let you down) - New mother Alice heads to the South Side after a fight with Hal. This one is 100% headcanon for me.

doctorkaitlyn’s Feels Like The First Time - canon divergent, given what we know about Alice’s past, but exactly what it suggests on the label.All three fics in Lang’s alpha Alice/omega FP ‘verse are a) not at all the sort of thing I usually go for; b) wildly, wildly NSFW and c) soooooo good. This is the bitchy, tough, wounded, determined Alice and the stubborn, self-destructive, romantic FP that the prophecies foretold.And (if you will permit the self-promotion, anon) I wrote sharper than a serpent’s tooth, which is Alice and FP clearing the air about their shared past through the bars of a prison cell.

Rivermoms (various)

I think the appropriate thing to do is just link you to doctorkaitlyn and FreshBrains’ AO3 pages, as these two really seem to have the market more or less covered on Rivermoms femmeslash!

I also have to pause here and wave my arms particularly hard at heroic_pants’ fic Waiting… which, using one of my favorite Christopher Guest films as a framing device, does something that almost no one else I’ve seen does - talks about the complicated friendship between Archie’s mom and Jughead’s mom (named Laura in this fic). This gen fic also offers some great theories about Mary Andrews - namely frustrated ambition and post-partum depression.

(Riverdale fandom, I would love you forever if y’all helped to flesh out my headcanons about these two women who HAD to have spent a LOT of time together and who BOTH end up leaving their husbands and sons in Riverdale. Put the pieces together for me, please.)

@cooperjones2020‘s Bughead fics Second City and Nobodies Nobody Knows also give us a GREAT adult Mary Andrews.

Various Riverparent OT3s

doctorkaitlyn’s find a home for your love (home isn’t always a place) - in which Alice and FP wind Fred up. Features the Twilight in its heyday.

FreshBrains’ good as the day I met you - both present-day and flashback Hermione/FP/Fred, also showcasing ‘90s music shoutouts and Alice Cooper’s unimpeachable sangfroid.

One more from @fredheads - the apocalypse comes sooner than you think - Fred/Hermione/FP, in which Fred is terrible at juggling his commitments.

@ficmuse‘s Bizarre Love Triangle, which is a fandom classic and a wild ride, so no spoilers here.

–

Read, enjoy, and leave these folks some love! And feel free to reblog with your own faves. :-)

#riverdale #fic rec #snakeparents #plaid dads #fp jones #fred andrews #alice cooper #mary andrews #hermione lodge #lots of faves!

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so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed · 6 years

Text

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

I was tagged by @londonfoginacup who is always enabling me to share more of my fic

1. List of works published this year:

I didn’t think I published any but 2017 was longer than I remembered (this Cupid!fic has taken over my brain) and I actually finished 3. Ish.

Let’s be alone together And they call it puppy love All the ways to say ‘I love you’

I’m saying ish because all the ways to say I love you is a drabble thing that I thought I’d keep writing on while I was doing other things and HAHAHAHA.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

It has to be LBAT because I started that fic in 2013 and well. Look where we are. I never would’ve finished it if it weren’t for @almostdarkobject and it taught me that I can write more than I thought I could and also finish a fic before uploading it.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

None because all writing is good writing even when it’s bad writing

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

That’s like asking me to pick one of my favorite children (spoiler alert I do not have any children). So I decided to pick this moment because I think it’s very important that people realize that you can always redefine yourself and figuring yourself out can be an unending process and that’s all ok!

Liam opens his mouth to protest that, then bites his lip. He had thought of Zayn. Of the way he’d smile at him, tongue pressed to the back of his teeth. Of how everything had seemed less scary when Zayn’s shoulder bumped into his. “I’m just. We’ve never. I don’t have Zayn.” It sounds a bit hollow.

“But you like him, yeah?” Louis prompts softly.

“Well, yeah. Sure I do. He’s-”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s been a great friend. I’ve heard that. That’s wonderful, Li. But I’ve never seen you go starry eyed over Nialler. And unless you’re talking about me like I’ve personally hung up the moon and decorated the sky with stars, he’s not a friend in the way that I’m your friend.” Liam can’t really protest that, as much as he wants to. He loves Louis, there’s no doubt about that. But not in the way he loves Zayn. He doesn’t think he loves anyone in the way he loves Zayn.

“I’m not gay though,” he almost whispers it, so soft he’s not sure Louis has even heard it. He’s not sure he wouldn’t prefer that, if he’s honest.

“I’m not saying you are, love,” Louis’ voice sounds patient. “You don’t need to label yourself. You don’t even need to know exactly what it is you’re feeling. Just as long as you know that whatever you feel, it’s ok. It’d be ok if you did consider Zayn to be more than just a mate.”

Liam swallows, looks up at him. “It is?”

Louis nods, wraps his arms around him. “Yeah, Li. It’s alright. Whatever you feel, it’s always alright, yeah? Feelings are never wrong. They’re confusing and frustrating sometimes, but you always have the right to feel what you feel, yeah? No one gets to tell you that you can’t. Just because you’ve never liked boys before doesn’t mean that you can’t. Doesn’t mean that you can’t like Zayn. And even if you’ll never like boys again, that doesn’t make the way you feel right now any less valid.”

“Feels weird,” he hums, looking up at Louis. “Like. I never thought of myself as, y’know. I mean you’ve been with girls but you’ve always told me that you weren’t really in love. That you just weren’t ready to admit that you wanted to be with a boy instead.”

Louis looks somewhat amused. “Yea, but, Li, I’m gay. Liking Zayn doesn’t necessarily make you gay. You know that, right? That there’s more than just gay and straight. The way you felt for Dani was real, right? So maybe you’re bisexual. Or pansexual. Or maybe it doesn’t matter what you identify as. It just matters that you like him.”

Hearing it like this, it’s sort of soothing, in a way. Makes him feel settled. “I do,” he admits, wondering if maybe it should feel like a more momentous occasion. His very first crush on a boy. It doesn’t feel so scary though. Not unless he allows himself to think about the fact that Zayn is no longer a part of his life. Or that his silly crush might be unrequited. “Quite a lot, if I’m honest.”

He gets a hug from Louis in response, a kiss to the top of his head. “Alright then. So now that we’ve established that you quite fancy Zayn, what are we going to do about it?”

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

OK so technically this is a comment from 2015 but it’s on the fic I finished this year so I find that it still counts. It’s a comment that hit me where it hurt but in the best ways. I’ve really struggled with the lack of visibility in fandom (feeling as though I’m writing for no one) as well as massive physical issues. This one comment is one I still think of at times. I wish I could hug this person for writing those wonderful words and I hope they know they made my existence better.

Your writing is just, suberb. And I don't know if your thumb / elbow (arm??) still hurts, but I hope it got better! And the fact that you might have written it while you were in pain, that's just, amazing. I don't know why people aren't commenting because WOW, you are just.

(Don't tell anyone I said this but -- you write better than some people who are super duper famous (as in other fans) IN MY OPINION OFC.)

I really hope you don't get discouraged in writing just because no one is commenting because YOU can write, and you don't need anyone telling you that you can because this is something you should remember that it's for yourself, not others (: !

I hope you're doing alright and will continue to write despite the lack of comments. You are amazing, and I'd be so so sad if you didn't write anymore.

You're one of the only authors, I feel, that are really unqiue with their ideas and just, the way you write and how you contine to write despite no one's comments, I'm just so proud of you, and so happy you're in this world, living, breathing, being HAPPY.

I am in love with you (just the to tiniest bit...just kidding -- a WHOLE CRAP TON) and your writing inspires me to write more and not care if people comment or kudos, because you reminded me that writing is to make me happy, that's its for me, and not anybody else.

Just, thank you. For existing, for writing despite the odds put against you.

You are so, so brave and lovely, I am so glad to have found you and read your works.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

All the time. But more specifically, after my forever cat died and I had to pick it back up. I wrote her into the story and I bawled. Unsurprisingly.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Hm. Well. See. I have a vague sense of where I’m going and where I want to end up but everything in between is just word vomit sooo..

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I learned that I can write long fic. I also learned that I grossly underestimate how verbose I am and that 80k is not enough to write a fic in when I’ve been thinking about it for four years.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

Man I just hope to finish my fic and that people will like it. I’m 133k deep into a fic that I’m literally expecting one person to read so it’d be fabulous if I was proven wrong and I am happy to grow and accept my being wrong!

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Holy shit ok so this is where I gush about my undying love for @londonfoginacup is it? I mean, what can I say?? None of this would’ve happened if it weren’t for her. She’s been reading along with me and helping me and also being a generally amazing person who sends great Christmas cards and who will be rewarded with a care package when I finish this fic because I adore you so effin much and this whole fic is for you.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

My cat died and showed up in Cupid heaven where Louis petted her and told her everything would be ok.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Don’t post any WIPs. Finish writing before you upload. Get someone to read along with you if you’re heavily dependent on outsider input. Just. Don’t upload a WIP and then abandon it for four years. Never let Zayn leave the band and kill your muse.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Cupid!Larry. As @londonfoginacup said: 2018 is the year of Cupid!Larry.

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read.

If anyone hasn’t done this yet and wants to, consider yourself tagged because after this longass trip to memory lane (told you I was verbose) my brain is pooped.

#writing evaluation meme #writing #tnfif

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caterpillar-worship-blog · 7 years

Text

This post contains a high amount of sexual content and has things that may disturb or at least “weird out” many people. There is also a lot of what the internet likes to call “cringe”. This is also a very long post and I only recommend reading if you are one of those people who likes seeing what goes through different people’s heads (eg: pretty much no one). TRIGGER WARNING: Pictures of real insects (larva),mention of sexual activity

I’m to the point now I almost wish I had no sex drive, its such a waste. I just want to play video games, do stuff I enjoy or maybe start drawing again. Desire is such a trap for me because I’m a pretentious person attracted to this ideal of beauty and stuff. It goes deeper but I’ll save that for a post that will probably get me labeled as a lunatic (spoilers: tulpas). I get all these fantasies and they feel great but then if I release them (eg: masturbate) I feel the cold reality hit me. I become filled with a desire to hug and cuddle, to hold someone and do things like nuzzle or just tease and play. When I cum I realize that I’m just a human being most likely put here to reproduce, which I probably won’t do and don’t think I even want to. I like the warm,soft feeling, its radiant kind of but then it reaches this point where the sexual part overrides everything and demands I release. I suddenly feel like I have become a slave and think back to my ex, sex with her and how most of the time it was unpleasant. I’m long past the fallout of our relationship and don’t hate her, though we don’t talk and probably never will. We were just different people and I was incapable of giving her the things she needed from a person. I don’t know how to describe my sexuality to others so I don’t. I don’t think I’m gay enough to proclaim it publicly but different things arouse me. My first sexual desires started when I was 7, I would watch both Sonic cartoons and had a crush on Tails. Me and my sister would play Sonic 2 and she would drown Tails and I would fantasize about protecting him. Eventually I started dry humping my couch on saturday mornings before my parents woke up. I loved bugs a lot too, I found them fascinating but I especially liked insects who went through complete metamorphosis and I thought grubs were really cute. I wanted a giant grub to hug and cuddle with who would never go into imago ever and just be my soft, squishy friend forever. He had this shy, easily scared personality, kind of cowardly but sweet. I would watch nature documentaries about insects such as wasps, beetles, bees etc and I loved watching them care for their fat, white little grubby babies. I would go to our old library during the summer and I had this one hardbook book about diving beetles. It was fun to read to me because I thought “water bugs” were super awesome and we use to have a pool so I’d see them during the summer. I remember getting a “crush” on the diving beetle larva. He was a good deal more fierce than grubs were but was still a larva. Diving beetle larva had a personality, he was more adventurous and wanted to be strong and grow up into his adult form so he could be super tough, like how shonen anime protags are. I still wanted to hug him and beg “Noooo, you’re so cute..I like you the way you are, diving beetle larva-chan..don’t grow up!!” I should stress that these insect characters I made during my pre-pubescent childhood were always males. It was not just insects though, I had another imaginary friend, who was a girl. She was this chipmunk like creature who would come to me during naps, usually when I was staying at my grandparent’s old house back when I was in preschool. The little chipmunk had a completely benign face, I can’t remember it 100% but I was and still am autistic so certain things would upset or bother me a lot. Everyone is this way but I had certain “compatibility” ratios with smells,foods,faces and cartoons. The famous youtuber Ulilila coined that term and it resonated a lot with me because I still use a similar system in my head. Anyways, the chipmunk fairy creature had a face that was cute but comforted me, nothing about her was unappealing or neutral by my compatibilities. I would be small, her size, and we would play in the branches of this giant tree. It was not a real life tree or a cartoon, it was in the style of an old painting. My grandparents had lots of old paintings around their house of ducks,ponds and farm houses so that’s probably why the tree looked the way it did in my subconscious. We would play tag and she would run away but I’d catch her and we’d hug. I would be so happy when I’d hug her but then she’d jump away again until I could not find her. I could hear her rustling in the leaves and calling me but I’d call for her and start feeling this really incredible sadness and loneliness. Then I would wake up. I had good parents who tried their best and no one ever abused me but my childhood was very lonely. Before I started playing video games my friends were cartoon characters. These included The Little Koala, Maya the Bee and Heathcliff the cat. I also really liked the animated dinosaurs from the pbs documentary “Dinosaurs” narrated by the lady who’s name escapes me, I think she did Nick News too. The third and final episode scarred me SO HARD because it was about the dinosaurs dying off but I’ll save that for another blog entry, this is way too long but its not like anyone will read my shit. But yeah, childhood was lonely. Kids didn’t start being really mean until the 4th or 5th grade I want to say but I just did not mesh with anyone. I had no geeky buddies to teach me AD&D, I had no one to play video games with, no one cared about dinosaurs and insects like I did. For a long time I wanted to be a fighter pilot too but not because I wanted to hurt people, I just thought the pilots looked really cool with their helmet and masks that made them look like houseflies and I loved how fighter jets looked. I wanted to be that. I had an infatutation with the look and shape of planes like the F-15 and F-111 yet I never cared for the actual science enough beyond eventually learning pointless trivia about hardpoints and how much “payload” they could carry jets. To me the fighter jets and bombers were like the dinosaurs and insects, they all were my “proto-pokemon” and they each had stats, personalities and other stuff. I still love all these things...but with military planes I feel some guilt I guess and have to separate reality and my childhood fantasies. I -do- love the Ace Combat series because it took my precious fighter jets and gave them rpg style stats while putting them into what is basically a gundam anime but with jets instead....but then Ace Combat went garbo and started taking place in the real world and abandoned the anime-ishness for something more Michael Bay and ~*PATRIOTIC~* I guess. God, fuck you Assault Horizon. But yeah..I was lonely. Sports bored me to tears and I was awful at them due to the fact I had crappy motorskills and I did not care. I hated PE and field day was only ok because I could sneak some of my bug guides or comic books outside and pray I would get a teacher who did not care about my lack of participation and was just happy I was someone who could entertain themselves. This has gone on too long for one post. I had a lot more I wanted to say and I don’t think anyone will read this but I’d feel better just doing another post later.

#autism #autism spectrum #sexuality #insect attraction #furry #my childhood #bipolar type 2 #misfit #mental illness

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