#i think that my week has just been so bad that i can’t really think rationally right now

[odoraful]

hello! I hope you're doing well :) Its my birthday tomorrow, so I want to request birthday headcanons for some of my favourites (if you write for them, ofc): Ayato, Wriothesley, and Alhaitham!

Thank you so much! 💞

𝐂𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔

— he wouldn't want to miss out on your special day <3

a/n: hi hi!! i'm doing okay 🥹 i really hope i did your request justice seeing as it is your birthday! i might have gotten a bit excited with this and realised my headcanons followed a little storyline but i do hope you enjoy, and a very happy birthday to you! wishing you all the best for the year 💝🎉

AYATO

Honestly, a small, traitorous part of you believes that the Yashiro Commissioner might have forgotten your birthday. With him being so preoccupied with his work, and much of his days scheduled to the minute by his retainers, you secretly wondered whether he would make time for you. That is why you freeze in shock when you open your front door early in the morning to see your partner at the doorstep. Chuckling at your groggy appearance, he holds your waist and gently combs a hand through your hair to fix it. In your half lucid state you swear you’re dreaming. 

Ayato assures you that all the tasks he had to do for the day had been settled, and that nothing would distract him from celebrating with you. His retainers had even encouraged the idea, leaving small notes at his desk to remind him of your birthday to hasten the completion of his work. It was one of the few plans he offered up to them that didn’t leave them absolutely panicked. 

There’s no need to worry about what is planned for the day, Ayato naturally has everything prepared. If you enjoy food and drink, he has a table booked at Uyuu Restaurant with an eight course meal specially created just for you. If you’re more partial to rest and relaxation, he has ensured private baths at Aisa Bathhouse (Archons knows, he needs a spa day as well). 

As for a gift, Ayato’s observant nature serves him well to pick the perfect one. On your walks about the city, he took note of the objects your eyes sparkled most at. Ones that you picked up, looked at the price tag, then put down in disappointment. In the weeks leading up to your birthday, much of his downtime was spent thinking about what would suit you best. His retainers would catch him with a furrow between his brows, staring into the distance. They would chatter about how committed the clan head is to his duties, even mulling over them during his short breaks. 

In the end, he decided on getting something custom-made for you. A kimono made from a fabric you couldn’t stop admiring at the textile store. A purple silk brocade with delicate white flowers. You had draped it on yourself asking Ayato for his thoughts. Eyes trailing your body, the colours complimented you perfectly. For the first time, Ayato seemed at a loss for words. 

He makes you feel treasured. Despite the obstacles your two had faced, from the critical eye of the public to the hushed whisperings between clans, Ayato’s loyalty was unwavering. 

AL-HAITHAM

As someone who has proclaimed how overzealous people can be about birthdays, your excitement in the lead up to yours is actually infectious to him. The night before, he’s surprised to hear humming from the bathroom as you get ready for bed. He can’t contain the fond smile on his face at your slightly off-key tone. The book he was holding has already been stored away on the bedside table as he closes his eyes to focus on your voice. 

Whilst Alhaitham always kisses you on the forehead in the mornings before he gets up, when you wake on your birthday you are being smothered with kisses. You giggle, trying to swat him away, worried about your bad breath, but he’s relentless and you concede. He whispers a ‘happy birthday’ to you after the final peck, content with the reaction he has provoked in you so early in the day.

Although it is your birthday, it is unfortunately still a workday. The very last thing you expect to see is Alhaitham walking into your work area during the middle of the day. Rushing over to him, your eyes wide in surprise, you ask why he’s here so soon. He plainly replies that he had no other essential meetings today, so he left. You’re flabbergasted, but you can’t complain. Especially since it meant more time together on your birthday.

He follows you around as you tend to the plants at the garden, making small conversation with you. You inwardly observe how he looks somewhat like a puppy — cocking his head to the side at a unique flower, curious about your craft. Arms folded, he waits for you to finish up and take your early leave (granted generously to you by the kindness of your supervisor). 

Lambad’s Tavern is quiet in the early evening, the low chatter of few patrons providing a peaceful ambience to your dinner. Rounding the meal off with drinks and a customary dessert. To onlookers, this celebration would seem unusually casual. However, it’s that exact sort of comfortability with him that makes you feel so secure. 

He waits until the private of your home to give your gift. Sitting on the couch, he brings out a small box containing a timepiece in it. Alhaitham remembered how absorbed you often got in your work, even forgetting to take breaks. Even though the Akasha System can instantaneously provide the time upon request, a physical object serves as a better reminder of time for you to eat and step away from work. You return your thanks to the practical yet thoughtful gift by placing a kiss on his cheek, feeling how warm they are under your lips. He’ll assert it’s from the liquor he drank, and surely not the burning affection he feels for you in this moment. 

WRIOTHESLEY

Clorinde had to endure some minor lecturing after being entrusted with the Fortress of Meropide for the day so Wriothesley could celebrate your birthday. The Duke did not want to be interrupted on this day unless the situation was dire, so he made his instructions clear. Arms folded, Clorinde stopped herself from rolling her eyes (‘He’s acting like I’ve never stepped foot in here before’), but she couldn’t help chuckling at how determined her friend was at wanting to spend time with you. And so, the missive was given that the Duke would be heading to the surface for urgent matters (the nature of such matters left omitted). 

It was a beautiful day on the surface, made even more so when Wriothesley sees you waiting on the street — hands interlocked in front of you, rocking on your heels. Though he did find your pose endearing, he internally curses himself at leaving you waiting on your birthday. He didn’t realise how much he ached for your presence until you looked over with a beaming smile and began running towards him. Gentleman that he is, he hurriedly apologised for making you wait. 

High tea is a must to celebrate, so the two of you head to Hotel Debord or Café Lutece, finding a private corner where you can freely talk. He updates you on the affairs at the Fortress, and he listens attentively at your news about the surface. 

You order different types of teas to try along with complimenting snacks. Wriothesley nods thoughtfully with each cup, but you notice with amusement that he’s holding himself back from truly commenting (“These teas are nice, but I think your collection is better”, you say. He smirks knowingly, but raises his hands in innocence, “I have to say I agree with you there”).  

He’s had your gift planned since the beginning of the year. On a rare outing to the Court of Fontaine to conduct business, a silver necklace on display at a jewellery store halted his stride. It had a red oval-shaped gem as a pendant, which the salesman claimed was the jewelsmith’s symbol for passion. The jewelsmith supposedly fell in love with someone who lived far from Fontaine, and created this piece to commemorate his devotion. It was an obvious marketing technique — one that would entice any imaginative lay person. Despite knowing the salesman’s clever ploy, something did stir within the Duke’s heart. 

Wriothesley sees you almost on the verge of tears when he presents the necklace to you. Embracing you tightly, he whispers promises into your ear. Every birthday feels more intimate than the last, and you can’t help but picture what a future with him would be like.

#🌷〰requestodora #odorawrites #genshin impact #genshin #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact x you #genshin x you #genshin headcanons #genshin impact ayato #genshin ayato #genshin ayato x reader #ayato x reader #ayato x you #genshin impact wriothesley #genshin wriothesley #genshin wriothesley x reader #wriothesley x reader #wriothesley x you #wriothesley x y/n #genshin impact alhaitham #genshin alhaitham #genshin alhaitham x reader #alhaitham x reader #alhaitham x you

[themusingsofacurlyhairednerd]

Heavy

Summary: Reader's having a depressive episode and needs some comfort from her mate

Content Warnings: Depression

Author's Note: I should be finishing my Vamp!Rhys fic but I got sad and wrote this instead

------------------------------------------------------

Velaris is beautiful at night, from the glittering stars overhead, to the soft gurgle of the Sidra rushing over time worn stones beneath the city’s many intricate bridges. The music makes the whole city feel full of light and laughter, couples often dancing and humming in the streets. It’s one of your favorite places to be.

Usually.

Tonight it’s just… there. Though you stand in the heart of it, everything moves around you, never quite touching you. It’s as if you’re suddenly a stranger in the place you love the most, the emotional distance between you palpable.

You jam your hands in your pockets and keep walking, though you’re not really sure where you’re going, your body moving on autopilot. It’s been like that for a couple weeks now, if you’re honest, you’ll be half way through the day sometimes before you realize you’re not sure how or when you even got out of bed, or gotten dressed. Did you even eat? Kiss your mate good morning? Rhys has been working long hours in Illyria lately, most nights you’re already asleep before he’s even tumbling into bed, but, now that you’re thinking about it, that could also be because you’ve been going to sleep earlier too.

You frown at your boots as you walk, trying to remember when this happened. It’s not new, you’ve had bouts of this since you were a teenager, but they’ve been better thanks to regular sessions with Madja and some other healers. Art therapy in the Rainbow has helped too. Usually you can tell when you’re starting to slip into the darker places in your head, but it crept up on you this time.

By the time your mindless wanderings bring you back to the Townhouse, the light from your upstairs bedroom is already on, meaning Rhys somehow finished his business and beat you home. You’d only planned to grab some takeout so you wouldn’t have to cook, and yet, here you stand, hands as empty as your stomach.

The door opens before you can even reach for your key, soft light spilling out into the entryway. “There you are!” Rhys says by way of greeting, as if he’d been waiting by the door for you. Your mate leans in to place a quick peck on your lips as he guides you inside.

“Did you go to Rita’s with Mor?”

He should be able to tell you hadn’t, since you’re wearing the same sweatpants you had been for a week, but then again, he also hasn’t been home enough to know you haven’t changed out of them. 

“No I…” you hate talking about this stuff, hate feeling like you’re burdening anybody with the weight you feel pressing down on your chest. “Uh, went to get dinner.”

Rhys stares down at your empty hands, eyebrows raised teasingly. “Did you forget to bring it back?”

You run a hand over your eyes. Cauldron they’re so heavy! Why is everything always so heavy? Your whole body feels like it’s made of bricks, just the effort to kick off your boots feels like it takes every single drop of energy you have left. “Sorry.” Even speaking feels like too much.

Rhys frowns, “Darling, are you ok?”

“Just tired,” you say, avoiding his eyes now. 

He steps forward, placing a knuckle under your chin and tilting your face towards him. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m tired,” you repeat, but your eyes are watering now. 

He stills, violet eyes roaming over you, assessing for the first time tonight how you look, the dark circles under your eyes. He knows you haven’t had trouble sleeping, he’s barely been able to wake you when he comes home at night. “It’s getting bad again, isn’t it?”

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, tears falling in earnest now.

Rhys’s features soften as he lifts you into his arms, the bond flooding with warmth and understanding as he says, “It’s not your fault. You can’t help it.”

You rest your head on his shoulder as he carries you upstairs. “I thought I was doing better… but everything just feels heavy again.”

He kisses your forehead gently as he climbs into bed and settles you down against his chest. Twisting, his wings unfurl so he can curl one around you, cocooning you in the warmth of his body. “What can I do to help?”

You wrap an arm around his waist as you settle your face against his chest, his heartbeat steady and even beneath you. Madja had said once that this was helpful if you got overly anxious, the steadiness of his breathing helping yours level out, and it helps now too, gives you something to focus on. It’s grounding and you let your breathing sync up, your chest rising and falling against his own. Madja hadn’t been able to stress enough how important it was to find something to ground you in the present when you got like this, lest your thoughts start to spiral deeper and deeper into the dark.

“Just need you to hold me for a little while,” you say.

Rhys pulls your favorite blanket up over the two of you before wrapping an arm around your waist. “I love you,” and the bond floods with more warmth than you think you deserve, but it doesn’t let up when those thoughts sneak in. “I’ll do anything you need me to.”

You place a gentle kiss to his chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he replies, fingers tracing shapes in your back. “No one has all good days.”

“But nothing even happened,” you protest. “I just woke up one morning and it was just so heavy to be awake.”

He kisses your temple. “We can see Madja in the morning, if you need, but you can’t beat yourself up. You have no control over it.”

You press your temple into his chest and breath in the jasmine and citrus scent of him. “I hate it.”

He places another kiss to the top of your head. You know he hates it too, hates that it’s a battle he can’t fight for you, no matter how much he wants to. “It will pass.”

Rhys is warm, his presence soothing, the darkness that seeps from his skin on the days he hasn’t had the time to expel enough of it, drifting over your body in soothing motions. This is safe and quite and peaceful. Your body starts to settle more and more as time goes on.

“Do you really believe that?” You whisper. “That it’ll pass?”

“Yes,” he says. “It has before, and it will again.” Knowing he’s had the experience himself, you’re inclined to believe he’s right.

“I’m glad you’re with me,” you admit. 

Rhys holds you a little tighter, “Till all the stars fall from the sky, my love.” He holds you all night, whispering all the things he loves about you as you start to fall asleep.

You let yourself fall into it, hoping tomorrow will be better.

#rhysand x reader #Rhys x reader #Rhys x reader fluff #rhys acotar #acotar fic #acotar fluff #my writing #my fanfic #fanfiction #Rhys fic

[elderwisp]

◁ || ▷ now playing i & ii

Taryn: Atlas? Are you alright? I, uh, haven’t heard from you. It’s been a week, is everything okay? People are starting to get worried. I’m worried.

?: Oh shit, they doordashed snacks! Thanks.

Taryn: Hey wait! Excuse me. S-Sorry-

Atlas: Oh my god, hiiii!

Taryn: Did I catch you at a bad time?

Atlas: Not at all! What are you doing here?

Taryn: I wanted to make sure you were still alive. You haven’t responded to… Well... Anything. 

Atlas: I am so sorry, I forgot to text you back. Actually, I can’t find my phone.

Taryn: Your drink-

Atlas: [ laughs ] Whoops. I liked this shirt.

Taryn: So is this like a work convention or something? 

Atlas: HAHA what? 

Taryn: You said you had social gatherings for work. I wasn’t expecting a full on rager. 

Atlas: OH YA! I did say that, didn’t I? Well since you’re here now, have a drink? 

Taryn: [ squeaks ] You don’t think you should slow down a b-bit?

Atlas: Aren’t you just the sweetest? Always looking out for everyone- Oh my god I love this song! Come on, dance with me!

Taryn: I-I’m not really in the mood.

Atlas: Hey man, glad you’re enjoying the party!

Taryn: Please let go!

Atlas: I can change the song if you don’t like it! We can play, uh, folk music! You like folk, right?

Taryn: No need. Uhm. You wanna go somewhere less crowded? Maybe get yourself cleaned up a bit?

Atlas: Sure, Taryn. 

-

Taryn: You need me to call anyone? Frances, maybe?

Atlas: N-No, that won’t be necessary. Besides, this would only upset her some more. 

Taryn: Has she seen you like this before?

Atlas: Mmm, yeah.

Taryn: Interesting.

Atlas: Are you mad at me? 

Taryn: I’m concerned. Although, maybe we should save that conversation for tomorrow morning. 

Atlas: You’re spending the night? 

Taryn: I can leave-

Atlas: No! 

Taryn: Oke. Should we ask everyone to go home? 

Atlas: Right. Hold up. Ahem. [ shouts ] Everyone, would you please get the fuck out?! Thank yew!

Taryn: Such gracious hospitality.

Atlas: The finest, really. You don’t have to sit on the floor, you know?

Taryn: Oh I’m good down here. Besides, there’s plenty to do down here. Love the book selection.

Atlas: I swear I’m getting a bookcase soon. 

Taryn: Everytime I see a book on the floor, ten years are taken from my life.

Atlas: So I’m assuming I’m speaking to a ghost now?

Taryn: Perhaps.

Atlas: [ yawns ] Wouldn’t that be something. So I was thinking…Taryn: Yeah? Goodnight, Atlas.

#AHHHHHH IT'S HERE!!! IT'S HERE!!! #*injects colors into my veins* #also almost every one of these shots has certain details it's like a little game of i-spy or somethin #fun fact i changed the ending to this like three times LMAOOO #tw: addiction #simblr #tessellate #ts4 #sims 4 story #show us your story #tw: drugs #tw: blood #tw: drug abuse

[jutsuuu]

girl help I’m experiencing

#weird addendum but pls don’t reblog my vent posts??? why would you even want to???? #everything has been So Much lately and I wasn’t gonna vent but then I remembered this is my blog and I can do what I want #one of my best friends left the country last week and he’ll be gone for like two years and I’m so sad without him around #I mean he’s been messaging me every day since he left but it’s still hard not having him here yknow? #and I’m moving into his place but it requires a lot of work before I can so I’m always exhausted #and my joints have all but given out on me completely so I’m always covered in KT tape and braces #which doesn’t gel very well with moving furniture and heavy boxes #and I have no money so I need to be job searching but I can’t do that until I move. BUT I NEED MONEY TO MOVE #on top of that my grandpa died and there’s so much family drama involving that it’s unreal #and weirdly the thing I’ve recently felt bad about is I’ve been neglecting my self imposed Fandom Duties #maybe not fandom specifically but like. creative duties #I want to write fic. I want to draw. I want to read and comment on other people’s stuff #I also really want to do more of my non fandom writing because I want to get something published this year. but i got no good idea aaack #or early next year #and I’ve just had like. no time at all to do any of it and the time I have had I’ve been too drained to do it #ughghghghghghggh #I think today I will drink and try to write something. as a treat. #after I go on a reblog spree to bury this because emotions are very embarrassing #anyway how are you?

[whimsyprinx]

a new attempt at me trying to sketch out ideas for my porcelain (faerie) royalty outfit that I’m putting together, all I have so far is the shirt, earring (it’s not even finished) and bracelet

#whimsy whispers #I want to thrift as many of the things I’ll be wearing as I cann #or make them myself #I’m trying to make my jewelry I made the bracelet and earring and will make a necklace #idk if I’d make the tiara but I can’t thrift that either cause any big tiara you see at a thrift or antique store is gonna be expensive #so that would probs require a trip to claires #I like rococo shoes a lot but those are expensive and I found a pair of shoes that was really cute and had those vibes but was a size six #which I am not #I need to figure out a skirt/dress sitch as well #I also want elbow length gloves like I did see a pair recently but I didn’t like them idk if I’ll regret having not bought them later or not #rhis is all for fun but also if my roommates and i can put together outfits in time and like are able to then we’d go to a renaissance #festival which I’ve never been to lex has though but had a bad time #idk it’s fun to put together outfits also which is why I’m doing this #I may be going to the local goodwill again this week so we’ll see if there’s anything new since I went last week #I know there’s other thrift stores in town or where I live at but I’ve not been to them or they’re simply not on the way to where else we’ll #be going so it’s like ah there’s no use in thinking about it #just hoping I’ll find at least one good thing

[heartbreakfeelsogood]

#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad #i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over #and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away #i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine #but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing #right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it #i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever #i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol #every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone #when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad #i never feel like too much good. only bad. #i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like #it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to #i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time #i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good #i don’t know why anyone keeps me around #sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person #the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :) #i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable #i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all #i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself #like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time #i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day #and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess #it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better #sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine

[reikunrei]

:/

#food and weight talk ig. just in case. but #i would love to know wtf happened to make me like this rn.. #had a lot of food for dinner last night and now I’m laying here awake like. okay so I can’t eat anything today #like. i know why this is happening. it’s because I’ve been getting my weight taken a lot recently bc of all my dr appts #so it’s just. made me Super aware of it as a number which has always been bad for me #but it’s also. gender dysphoria. and just general feelings of self consciousness about my body that I’ve always had #but just feel so Heightened lately. like the last month or so it’s been so so so bad #and I’m just so stressed about other things that everything is just exacerbated so like. idk my brain has latched onto this #and it’s… really hard to shake. i keep restricting what I eat bc if I then eat too much I feel guilty about it #thoughts like this have been beating at my skull for the last like 2 years bc of dr appts and stuff. and I guess it’s just finally reached #a head that makes me wanna disappear into nothing #last night I think was the first day in 2 weeks or so I didn’t go to bed hungry bc I actually ate enough. and that makes me feel Bad #i say things

[roses-and-tears]

.

#I have spent. 8 almost 9 hours resetting my laptop. I chose the option to keep all my files but uninstall apps. and it has been restarting #and installing for almost 9 hours. yeah I get that the process will be long. but ffs #I have been bored the past few hours so I watched the smile movie bc I got reminded of it yesterday #it was pretty bad. the couple gorey scenes towards the end were nice but some of the acting and writing was just terrible #I was also hoping the movie would’ve taken a different turn. I think it would’ve made it more.. idk. I can’t think of the right term.- #-it just would’ve made it better I think. #I’ve also eaten a lot today. more than I usually do. more than I have in months and years and im upset about that. im already bloated. #I hope I don’t work tomorrow. I have to call in in the morning to check. and I don’t mind working but rn I just kind of want to spend the #day relaxing #I’ve spent almost 9 hours on this resetting part. and 4 extra hours trying to simply repair it in restarts #I also need to clean up my room. a lot of it. and clean my pets cage. it’s ant season now and im really stressed about that #the smell of sharpie returns and I am just. overwhelmed. I have 3 days to prepare for my special week long activity and im not happy about- #-that. #I also had some feelings earlier that im stressed over too. #im being vague about that bc i just don’t want to go off about that to everyone #im tired and overwhelmed i just want my laptop to finish resetting so i can stop fretting about this. i want to sleep #im tired. of so much #to delete later

[fizzytoo]

trying to convince myself that just bc my hair is darker than i wanted it to be it’s not the end of the world

#*fizzyspeaks #my hair is naturally a dark brown but it’s black rn 🫂 i’m struggling guys bc i don’t think it looks good #my mom and brother said i look fine #i think that my week has just been so bad that i can’t really think rationally right now #and i’m not conventionally attractive so now my hair has to look bad on top of that !!! gonna go crazy gonna go nuts #i was ready feeling incredibly insecure and this is just another thing to add on #i thought about stripping the color but i think it’ll just be worse #i’ll give myself a few days to calm down 😞

[alarrylarrie]

.

#y’all your girl is Struggling with a capital S #so I’ve been having this chest pain? #and I panicked so hard I went to urgent care and the ER on Monday #and all of my labs and everything has come back ‘normal’ #so you think that would help and I’d be okay right? #wrong. #every morning I wake up and I have full blown panic/anxiety that is so bad I can’t function? I have taken this whole week off work so far #I literally don’t know what to do #like if I didn’t have my kid I might consider a grippy sock vacation or something #it’s never been this bad before? #I’m just really freaked out by how I cannot actually get my body/brain to stop #this morning I took half of a med I take for panic attacks #and that has helped some #but the nausea and the fatigue is UNREAL

[pepprs]

mission failed we’ll get em next time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#i literally can’t quit omg i feel so fucking bad. it wasn’t so bad this time but also HE LITERALLY FORCED ME TO COME OUT LKKE GIRL HELLO???? #he cornered me and asked me if redacted had to do w my s*duality and i was like ummmmm. yeah 🫣 and he was like now why didn’t you say that t #the first time 🤨 and i was like …………. 😳. AND THEN i asked him why he asked me that and he said he’s been waiting for the right moment to get #it out of me and he always suspected it LIKE HELLO I THINK THAT IS POSSIBLY WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE I WANTED TO DIEEEEEE #and i lied right to his face abt stuff w my mom and also the redacted situation bc i always feel in trouble whenever i talk abt them w him #and also he asked how things were w my mom and i told him and he was like that’s great but how are things with YOU and yoir mom 🤨. UGHHHHH #and i can’t leave bc his supervisor is gravely ill and they haven’t talked abt doing inter generational therapy w me yet which is what they #want to do <- hasn’t looked it up yet and doesn’t know what it receals about me. and he also is like yet agai. trying to get me to separate #myself from data expunged AND ITS LIKE OMGGGG NOTHING IS HAPPENING WHY DO I HAVE TO THROW AWAY A GOOD THING THAT IS WORKING FOR ME JUST FOR #THE SAKE OF CONFORMING TO SOME STUOID MENTAL HEALJT STANDARD. so yeah ummmmm idk what to dooooo i know im not getting the best possible care #and this whole thing has been a cluster fuck but he validated my reaction to something for the first time like EVER today and he has plans a #and what if they work. and like omg if i drop it on him he’ll be so hurt and surprised like it will really come out of nowhere and i don’t w #want to look like even more of a fool to him than iam. but he says i can’t withhold stuff bc it’s doing me a disservice and we need to see t #the fullness of who i am to get to the root and solve problems and stuff but it’s like uhmmmm… but you don’t make me feel safe for reacting #the way i do or wanting things to work out in a way you disagree with so how can i bring out all the parts of me if you don’t make me feel a #safe and unjudged for doing so like. lol. the thought of leaving him makes me feel so guilty and stupid bc it s like why are you throwing aw #away sliding scale therapy that could turn out to be really useful and running away when ppl tell you things abt yourself you don’t like to #admit and force you to look at your hard ugly truths. but also the thought of working w him until july after already having had 16 weeks of #this literaly makes me fucking insane so idk what to do and finding a new counselor would be so hard and i don’t have time or money. UGHHHH! #purrs #delete later #like how am i gonna walk out on him when we just spent all this time talking abt how this new technique will bring me into a new season. AUG

[robyn-goodfellowe]

everything has been so fast lately i need time to just stop for a little

#preferably on. 02:19. so i can sleep! thank you #really though it’s like i’ve been so busy i’ve no time to do anything For Me lately #everything has been like work. and school. and plans with my friends. and coursework and like ITS SO FUN but also #i have had no allotted robyn time and it’s starting to get to me i think . i haven’t written anything substantial in weeks if it #hasn’t been for class. and like again i’m having fun! i’m so excited for everything coming up and it’s nice to be so busy and productive #but also AAAAHHHH AAAAHHHH SOMETHING IS ALWAYS HAPPEBING #it’s like so hard to maintain like #school AND work AND social life AND online life AND me time #like one or two of them always ends up struggling #and again i’m having so much fun but 😫😫 i really just need to be alone for a day i think! and take it easy #but. idk. i’m also enjoying myself IM NOT COMPLAINING it’s just like wow i can’t remember the last time i took myself out somewhere nice to #write… i haven’t been to my favorite teahouse in a minute 😔 maybe next weekend. idk. i think i have stuff then too!!!! #rambling #also something bad happened and i ended up having to chop off a part of my hair #and i have been taking it as well as you’d expect (cannot handle unplanned change) #it’s so small you can’t even notice. BUT I CAN FEEL IT ABD ALSO IT MAKES ME SAD! ok goodnight

[brockachu]

the sedins and luongo are being inducted into the hhof on their first year of eligibility. first ballot. i’m in tears i’m not kidding. i’ve been down fucking Bad with covid for the past 4 days and today on the first day i can fucking breathe and stay conscious for more than 4 hours at a time the sedins and lu are going into the hhof i’m laughing and crying in my lil armchair i’m So Happy

#i just. i’m alive and i’ve been writing and i’ve been thinking about these fucking dudes for weeks #i’m just like really fucking happy to be alive and enjoying it like idk how to say this without sounding fucking ridiculous #i have a fucking chronic cough i was so worried this would make it flare up or actually make it worse #i’ve been sick in bed filled with dread and catastrophizing for four fucking days #my dog has been crying outside my door for three days bc i can’t let him sleep in here in case he carries it to my housemates #i couldn’t listen to music for the past 3 days bc the migraines got so bad and i basically live with music on usually #at its worst with my cough i literally can’t laugh without hyperventilating. it’s so depressing. #i just like 2 months ago finally shook of a really bad depressive episode paired with the Worst seasonal depression in years #i have survived this past 9mos by transmuting my feelings through hockey #the sedins & lu in hhof is so gratifying. so important. one day maybe i’ll have the words for it in poem #god do i need to write a sedins poem & a lu poem. they’re just. so important. so good. #did y’all know lu was the only nhler to speak in support of the marjorie stoneman douglas kids? yeah #i just told someone on twitter about the sedins & bc children’s hospital #i’m fucking happily sobbing listening to muna & bad bunny & rina sawayama #i am So Grateful to be alive and mostly healthy and for my brain to not be fighting me as much and god yeah #i’m not even mad i missed pride this weekend! 😂 the sun is shining and so is motherfucking aily #aily talks #canucks lb

[hobisexually]

x

#hello internet #(why did I channel dan Howell just now I also don’t know) #i have been! chronically offline for a month now #and I don’t really know how to return after the world has called my real life attention to this degree #in a short summary: I went out of the country for the first time in three years and saw harry #then got covid. Went through two awful fear filled weeks where I really thought I was dying #then. barely recovered for (1) day and then was in charge of an office move #me! the most impractical bitch you’ve ever met! #i can’t believe it either and I think the fact that I wasn’t fully recovered from covid yet saved me weirdly #because I wasn’t conscious enough to stress about anything I just had to Do Things #most stressful week of my life still but we did it #then a day after I fucked off to london for my friends 30th #which unlocked many emotions I wasn’t prepared to deal with I don’t think I’ve ever been that sad in london before #it was very weird #but good because I was finally addressing some things #and then I left for scotland with one of my best friends and I have never walked this much in my LIFE #it was beautiful but also #I’ve known her since I was fifteen and it’s weird to see how. idk we’ve both changed so much #and yet she still manages to make me feel very small in a bad way but also very loved #it was odd #anyways then last night I came home and discovered my father went on a hissy fit again about losing me and where did he go wrong #and I’m just done with not being able to live my life without being guilt tripped! i really am! #my friend asked me in scotland why I feel the urge to lie about who I am to people #why I’m not just ✨me✨ #and I didn’t really have an answer until I came home to this and remembered I was forced to lie about who I am all my life because the me #that I am simply isn’t good enough. even at 30 years old this instinct is still there #and it’s fucked up! ITS SO FUCKED UP #anyways all this stress has made me ……. significantly uh. well it changed my body very much #and my friend just sent me the holiday pictures and now I’m trying not to cry because I didn’t realise I had let myself go like this #and it’s literally the least of my worries and it’s okay because I’ve gone through a LOT but also it isn’t okay. yk? alas SORRY HI FOLKS

[ifeelfreewithoutmyshoes]

I kinda wanna go on a rant but I honestly just think I need to sleep

#and be alone for like 24 hours #I haven’t had a day withou any plans/other people for at least three weeks #and I’ve had busy weeks before that as well #and my next week will be busy as well #it’s a lot #I’ve put in FREE in my calendar to make sure I don’t have plans then #and this weekend I was supposed to be off but it was the only week I could meet up with my cousins #it was super fun but my brother was kinda like so how did u think it went #and overall I think it went well and so did he #one of my cousins was feeling less so yesterday apparently #but once again I really think it went the best it could have been #one of my cousins fucked kinda up tho and arrived at like half past midnight bc he double booked himself #and his sister was feeling kinda bad for him that ha arrived so late and we would just head to bed so he didn’t get anything out of that day #whereas I very much felt like it was his own fucking fault #I was not gonna stay out till half past 2 when I’d been out partying the day before and I’d already felt just seeing them Saturday/Sunday #took a lot of my energy #that was kinda the rant anyway #but it was a nice discussion with my brother about it #bc I was also slightly annoyed by some of them playing Pokémon go instead of the board game the five of us was playing #but talking it out with him helped with that so it’s fine #then now as I was vacuuming I started getting annoyed at one of my cousins bc #I think it’s ridiculous that he can’t respect his trans brother (my cousin)’s new name and pronouns #so he’s got a free pass to use the old one #bc my other cousin asked bc no one ever really told her what was going on and she heard different things #and I’m still annoyed by that I find it weak as fuck #our grandmother I get but my cousin is 19 he can fucking do better #anyway at that point I realized how stupid tired I am and that’s probably not helping #but since it’s only 7 pm and I need dinner and stuff I can’t sleep yet #so here’s the rant instead I guess #me

[pepprs]

literally the only reason i am not in as bad a mental health place as i was in in december is bc i’m done w school now and i never have to go back or deal with being a student again if i don’t want to and also bc i know there is a high likelihood that there are some big important helpful highly desired changes on my horizon in the next few months and years. but i am really not doing good right now

#purrs #scotus leaked draft + buffalo shooting + dallas shooting + uvalde shooting + monkeypox + covid cases rising + losing my last 3 weeks of #college and graduation + losing my freedom for who knows how long and moving back home + friends and family getting covid + pushing myself #to the limit finishing my capstone + watching my loved ones suffer with the situations in their own lives = is it ethical to bring children #into this world is it reasonable to think that i will one day live with autonomy again and find a romantic partner and have a pet and enjoy #my life and see all the people i love doing the same. all ive been able to do this week outside of finishing school my job application etc #is doomscroll about the shootings and covid and monkeypox when i really should be doomscrollimg through my fucking save tag that i curated #specifically to counteract these situations and give me reasons to find hope but i don’t have the strength or see the point bc im only gonn #lose the hope again. but i know there’s a point but i can’t get myself to see it and maybe it’s bc km just so exhausted but idk. and one of #the WORST parts of this is that if the job works out i am going to have to understand that people will look at me differently part of which #means that people — STUDENTS like i just was 2 days ago!!! — will look to me expecting that i have answers or at the very least hope and i #literally do not have hope right now and after national events this month i don’t know if i’ll ever feel hope again. so it’s like fuck i #wont be able to do my fucking job that i feel called to do and want to do more than anything lol. but i already won’t be able to do it bc t #the chances that i can go to [insert convferwrnce] when it involves being on a plane and navigating people who won’t wear masks are so low #and * already snarked about it to me yesterday which really hurt my feelings like i don’t think she was trying to be mean but it’s like yes #the fuck i can hide in the van forever i do NOT want to get covid. but i also do not want to miss [conference] and it’s just so stupid that #im going to have to keep making these choices because this nightmare country has decided covid doesn’t exist anymore. idk lol #i know everything in my life could be a lot worse and also that it is objectively WORLDS better than it was very recently bc i graduated an #im done now. but this month has sucked so unbelievably bad and June is also going to be hard and im just scared i will never be happy or #hopeful again or that every time i am something new will knock it down (which is a given living in the usa lol) and that it would be #unethical to try to do the BASIC bare minimum things i have always wanted to do in my life. lole #negative tw #ask to tag #abortion tw #shooting tw #mass shooting tw #monkeypox tw