#i wanna see ppl frantic and having no idea whats happening | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

niki-phoria · 1 year

Note

idk if you write for reactions, but i would a reaction from enhypen's hyung line about their 8thmember!reader s/o being injured while practicing <33

(and yes i would like this very fluffy😍😍)

‧₊˚✩ enhypen hyung line reaction - their s/o gets hurt during practice

warnings: just gonna list the injuries so (heeseung: sprained ankle, jay: torn mcl, jake: pulled muscle, sunghoon: broken ankle), worried heeseung, descriptions of hospitals/medical treatment but nothing graphic, one cuss word in sunghoon's

a/n: thank you so much for requesting !! this is more comfort than fluff tbh but i tried to keep it all very cute and happy. i didn't include the maknae line bc i kinda struggled with this and i didn't want to wait any longer to post it but i am willing to make a part 02 with the maknaes if anyone is interested. i hope you like it :))

additional notes: i wanna write for enha more but i have no ideas :// and in case you're curious i write imagines and reactions (no headcannons since ppl keep asking for them) the list of who/what i write for is linked in my pinned post

gn 8th member reader (no pronouns used)

requests open !! read my rules first

‧₊˚✩ heeseung

word count 410

he(e)'s so hot slknesklns

you grunt when you hit the ground. pain blooms through your ankle immediately, spreading through your leg and down your foot. “oh my god, are you okay?” your dancer kneels down next to you, holding a hand out to help you up. “i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean to trip you.”

“it’s okay, i didn’t see you either.”

you wince when you try to put weight on your right ankle. “are you okay?”

“yeah, i just think i hurt my ankle.”

“let me go find a medic.” you nod, limping over to lean against a wall while you wait for help. you can hear her bounding footsteps as she runs back to the studio with an emt following closely behind her.

“can you stand on it?” he asks, helping you take your shoe and sock off. hues of red and purple have already begun spreading along the skin. the dancer you tripped over nervously hovers behind him, grimacing at the sight of your foot.

“not really,” you wince when he presses down against the bone. “it hurts when i try to put weight on it.”

he nods, standing up. “i’m gonna go get some ice and then i'll wrap it. tell me if you notice any intense swelling or if the pain gets worse. you'll be off of it for a few weeks.”

“here, let me help you,” she says, supporting your weight with her own body.

“thanks,” you whisper, letting her guide you to a nearby chair. she pushes another chair over to you, helping you lift your leg up onto it.

“are you gonna be okay here?”

“i’m alright, thank you so much.” she nods, lowering her head into another apologetic bow before she leaves.

you’re left alone in the room for a few minutes before heeseung bursts through the door. “y/n,” he gasps, rushing to your side. he’s frantic, eyes wide and hair disheveled. he wraps his arms around you, pulling you into a hug. “i heard about what happened, i’m so sorry i wasn’t there.”

“it’s okay.” you reach over to grab his hand, squeezing it.

“does it hurt?”

you shake your head. “it feels better with the ice.”

“how long will you be off of it?”

“they said it keep it elevated and put ice on it. they’re about to come back and wrap it for the next few weeks.”

heeseung leans down to press a kiss against your temple. “i’m glad you’re okay.”

‧₊˚✩ jay

word count 452

i love him sm :(( got a little carried away with this one whoops

you yelp as you fall, hitting the ground hard. your knee hits the ground first. pain immediately spreads through your leg. “y/n!” jay is quick to rush to your side, helping you sit up. you wince, failing to stand up. tears brim your eyes as you cling to jay. “are you okay?” he whispers.

“i hurt my knee.”

“can you stand?” jay helps you up as you slowly stand on your feet. you feel off-balance, pain still stinging through your leg.

“it hurts.” you can see jay share a concerned glance with jungwon, calling a manager over.

“we’ll get you to a hospital, okay?” her voice is quiet. she’s almost overwhelmingly sweet as she helps you into the backseat of a car before climbing into the front.

the emergency room smells of hand sanitizer and rubbing alcohol as you wait to be seen. curtains surround your bed though they do little to provide you with any sort of privacy from the other patients. jay’s hand holds yours, fingers intertwined together. “you’ll be okay.” he whispers, pressing a kiss against your temple. “i promise.” you can tell he’s nervous by the way he squeezes your hand a little tighter than usual.

finally, a doctor enters. she has thick black-rimmed glasses pushed high up on her nose. her shoulder-length black hair is tied back into a low ponytail. “l/n y/n?” she asks. you nod. “can you tell me what happened?”

“i fell on my knee during a missed stunt.”

her hands are cold as she pushes the fabric of your pants up, pressing against your now swollen knee. you wince when she presses around the area. “does it hurt when you straighten your leg?”

“yeah. it hurts to stand on.” she hums, marking down a few notes on a clipboard.

“i’m gonna do an x-ray just to make sure nothing is broken. it sounds like a torn medial collateral ligament.”

“what’s the treatment for that?” jay asks. he squeezes your hand reassuringly when you nervously glance up at him.

“we’ll put on a knee brace. you’ll be on crutches for a few weeks.”

“thank you.” the doctor curtly nods before she leaves, closing the curtain behind her.

jay wraps you into a hug, letting you bury your head into his chest. “it’s gonna be okay. it’s only a few weeks.”

“i don’t want to let anyone down.” you whisper.

he lifts your chin, making you look up into his eyes. “you could never do that. you’ll wear the brace and then you’ll get better and start performing sooner than you realize.”

you nod, pulling him back into a hug. “thank you.”

jay presses a kiss against your forehead. “anything for you.”

‧₊˚✩ jake

word count 358

i need mullet jake SKLNESLN not as severe as the others but i was running out of ideas okay

the pain in your leg is sharp. it burns - stinging each of your nerves with each movement you make. you wince, shifting your weight onto your left leg. jake’s hand ghosts against your lower back, coaxing your to lean against him instead.

“let’s take a break. we’ll pick it up again in five?” your choreographer announces. murmurs of agreement ripple throughout the group as jake helps you to sit down next against the wall.

“is everything okay?” he whispers.

“yeah, just pulled a muscle.”

“i’m sorry baby.” his hands feel warm against your skin as he moves the fabric of your pant leg out of the way, massaging the sore muscle. “take it easy for the rest of the day, okay? it’ll get even worse if you try to push yourself too hard.”

“i will.”

“babe,” jake opens his arms, gesturing for you to lay with him. you comply, making your way back over to him. you lean against his chest as he rubs your back. “how’s your leg? does it still hurt?” you hum, voice muffled by his hoodie. jake chuckles. “i’ll take that as a yes.”

you pull away a little, moving to lean against his shoulder. “it still stings a little.”

“come on,” jake shifts so you’re laying on your stomach. “let me take care of you.” you chuckle, letting him maneuver you onto the bed.

jake leans over you so his knees are pressed against your side. his hands are gentle as he presses them against your back. they feel warm through the thin fabric of your t-shirt. “you’re so tense,” he whispers. you can almost see his furrowed eyebrows and slight frown as he slightly increases the pressure.

you sigh, relaxing further into the bed. jake moves lower down your body, from your shoulders to your back and eventually down to your calf. slowly, the pain dissipates from your leg until the numb feeling is no longer there.

he moves off of you, giving you room to roll onto your side. “better?” jake asks.

you smile, pulling him into a quick kiss. “much better. thank you.”

“i love you.”

“i love you too.”

‧₊˚✩ sunghoon

word count 338

hoon is so pretty i am so jealous the gender envy i get from this man in unmatched

you gasp when you trip, tumbling off of the edge of the stage. pain shoots through your ankle when you clamber to your feet as you force yourself to stand back up. a staff member rushes to your side, quickly followed by sunghoon.

“that was a hard fall, i want you to get checked out by a medic.”

“but-” your manager’s concerned look is enough to make you stop resisting, instead letting sunghoon support your body weight as you wait for the emt.

“are you okay?” sunghoon asks. you sigh, avoiding eye contact.

“i can’t believe i fell off the fucking stage.”

“hey,” sunghoon moves so he’s standing in front of you, lifting your chin so you’re looking at him. “don’t talk like that. you made a mistake. it’s okay.” he strokes his thumb against your cheek, wiping away a stray tear you hadn’t realized had fallen. “we’ve never practiced here before. it’s not your fault.”

you nod, letting his words console you. your ankle is already deep shades of red when you remove your sock and shoe. despite how gentle the emt is when he presses against the bones of your ankle, pain immediately shoots through your body. you flinch, tears building in your eyes. sunghoon rubs a hand against your back. you cling to his body as the medic looks up at you.

“it looks like a hairline fracture,” he says. “it’ll take a few months to heal. we’ll get you some ice to put on it for now and then you’ll need to get an x-ray done.”

“thank you.” he nods sympathetically at you before leaving, taking his bag with you. sunghoon presses a kiss against your temple, letting you lean further into his touch.

“it’ll be okay. i promise.”

“what about the concert?”

“don’t worry about it.” he lifts your face so you’re looking up at him. “you just focus on getting better, okay? engene will support you either way.”

“i love you.”

sunghoon presses another kiss against your forehead. “i love you too.”

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marveloussupernerd · 3 years

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I really enjoyed the way you wrote that Jumin Han ANGST my friend and if you don't mind I would very much like to request more ANGSTTT but with Seven because he is the CEO of ANGST FOR NO REASON. Be as creative as you want with it, you're the author! I was thinking something like MC getting seriously hurt/shot?? by someone who's after Seven from his agency work, or something less *deadly* like MC drunk and cheating/kissing another RFA member. Either way, I know I'll love what you come up with!

Hi bb! Sorry you’ve been waiting for this for like WEEKS but I was NOT in an angst vibe LMAO. But after I’ve brainstormed I’m v excited to write this. If ppl don’t like angst / want to see a resolution maybe request a pt 2 ? 🥺

Bullet Wound - Seven

Warnings: violence (shooting), medical stuff (surgery, injury), argument, spoilers for Seven’s real name !!

Summary: Seven’s company was not very happy that he betrayed them. Neither of you has thought it was a problem anymore. You were wrong. Seven feels responsible for you getting hurt

You held his hand, swinging it as you walked. “I had a lot of fun today,” you told him, smiling as you glanced at him, then down at your entwined hands, his golden wedding band shining in the sunlight.

“Me too! I can’t believe you had never had fish-shaped buns before today,” he mentioned, feigning shock.

You laughed. “They were very good. But honestly, I hadn’t even heard of them until the RFA talked about them.”

He sighed. “Who would believe my wife was so boring before she met me?”

You used your shoulder to ram into his side slightly, pushing him off his path slightly. He simply laughed. “What do you wanna do when we get home?”

“Hmmm...” you thought aloud, “nap. Cuddle. I’m exhausted.”

“You shouldn’t have stayed up all night with me when I was doing my work,” he pouted.

You shrugged. “What can I say? I can’t sleep without my husband by my side.”

He stopped for a second, halting you with him and pulling your hand slightly to turn you towards him. He had that goofy, fond smile you loved so much. “You’re so cute. I love you.” His voice was firm, full of meaning, as though nobody could deny it.

You couldn’t hide your grin, turning back on track and pulling him along with you. “I love you t-“

A deafening noise. It made you jump. “What the hell was that?” Seven exclaimed.

You looked around, trying to find the origin of the sound. And then you felt it; fire in your body. In your back. You placed a hand on it and flinched from the pain, blood slicking your hand. “Saeyoung,” you uttered out, the shock evident in your voice. “I think we need to run.”

He turned to look at where you were glancing, and then saw your hand. “Shit!” He exclaimed. Without hesitation, he swung you into his arms. “Hold on tight and stay with me, Babe.” He started running toward his babe car.

He threw the door open, setting you down gently in the seat. He buckled you up, hand pulling the lever to move the seat upright. “Ow!” You hissed in pain from the contact of the chair against your wound.

He shut the door and headed to his side, climbing in and driving off without even buckling his seatbelt. “I know it hurts but that’ll help keep some pressure on it. I’m driving to the ER as fast I can, so just hold on.”

“Sae... Saeyoung,” you choked out, trying to focus on your breathing and not the pain. “Your seatbelt.”

“Oh!” He used one hand to buckle it up. “Sorry. I didn’t even think about it.”

“You have to be safe too, okay?” You started tearing up. “Remember that.”

“Don’t say things like that.” He raised his voice. You nodded. You saw him frown. “I just... you’re making it sound like you’re going to die. And you’re not.” His voice was much softer now.

“I understand. I’m sorry I made it seem that way.” You let out a breathy sigh. “I’m just scared.”

He stopped the car pretty suddenly, right outside of the emergency room doors. He unbuckled, rushing out of the door, leaving his keys and phone inside. He opened yours and picked you up again. “I know. But you’re gonna be fine. I’m not going to leave your side.”

“I don’t think-“

“I’ll figure it out. Even if I have to watch you on the cameras. I’ll be here for you. Promise.”

“I love you,” you whimpered, lip trembling. You were scared.

“I need help! My wife’s been shot!” He announced as he entered the room. Fortunately, nobody was waiting and subject to the scene, only the people working there.

The lady at the front’s eyes widened. She announced something over the speakers, but you couldn’t hear it. “Where at?” You heard her ask Saeyoung. Your vision was blurry. You were nervous.

“Back.”

“Scale of 1 to 10?” They both shifted their eyes towards you.

“Eight.”

They didn’t stop looking at you. You raised an eyebrow. Why? “One to ten?” She asked again. Saeyoung looked petrified.

Were your words not coming out? You took a deep breath, focusing on expelling the air and moving your mouth to get the words out. “Eight.”

“Okay,” she nodded, scribbling things down. Seven smiled sadly at you.

Two people burst through the doors with one do those rolling beds. Seven set you down gently in it. He didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye. Your eyes widened in fear as you heard the doctors frantically speaking medical jargon. Saeyoung, in the distance, blew you a kiss. You closed your eyes and tried to relax.

When you did open your eyes again, they felt extremely heavy. Like you were doing physical labor to open them. “Thank God!” It was Seven’s voice. You worked harder to open your eyes and saw him, still in his bloody outfit from earlier, bags under his eyes and concern marking his features.

“Hi,” you said weakly, trying to give him a smile.

“Oh my God. I was afraid I’d lose you.” His eyebrows knitted in concern. “Did you know your heart stopped during surgery?” A sob escaped from the back of his throat. “It stopped.”

“I’m here,” you whispered. Your voice was hoarse. “I’m still here.”

You reached out your hand to grab his own, not surprised to see an IV hooked to your arm. “This is all my fault.” He was crying hard now, eyes refusing to meet your own. “This is because of me.”

“It’s not your fault,” you reassured him.

“It is! None of this would have happened if I wouldn’t have let you get close.” He walked away from you, moving to look out the window. “I’m an idiot.”

“I don’t think so. I’m glad you let me in, Saeyoung. I don’t blame you for this at all.”

“But I do. I blame myself.” His voice was now more angry with himself than sad.

A knock on the door. The doctor. Saeyoung composed himself, turning to meet him.

“Nice to see you again, Saeyoung.” The doctor greeted, a bright smile on his face. “And there’s our fighter. How are you feeling?”

“I think whatever pain stuff you have me on helps, but I just woke up so I’m still a bit drowsy.”

He looked down at your chart. “You did sleep through the night. 17 hours,” he explained.

Your eyes snapped back to Seven. “You’ve been here for seventeen hours?” You asked, the shock evident in your voice.

The doctor laughed. “He’s been by your side the whole time. Now I do want to keep you probably for another few days to monitor, but it should be pretty relaxed. Just try to keep your mind at ease and your heart rate down. All helps the healing.”

“Any significant injuries I should know about?” You asked. You knew people got really messed up from shot wounds.

He grinned, shaking his head no. “You were very lucky. Didn’t hit any major organs or your spine. You’re in good shape, relatively speaking.” He wrote something on his sheet. “I’m going to make sure the nurses visit you every half hour. I’ll probably be back in two hours or so. If you need anything in between, feel free to page the nurses.”

“Thank you Doctor,” you smiled. He waved and left.

“I... don’t think we should do this,” Seven spoke up, breaking the silence.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I’m putting you in too much danger,” he stated simply.

“Well I’m okay. And I think it’s worth it,” you defended.

He sighed, shaking his head. “You’re such... an idiot. How could you get shot because of me and still be so naive and stupid?” He wasn’t yelling, but his voice was cold. The beeping on your heart monitor steadily increased, betraying you by giving away how his words made you feel.

“And what do you want me to do about it Seven? It’s not like we’re just dating casually. We can’t just break up. We’re married. And thank goodness we are,” you added for good measure.

“‘Maybe we shouldn’t be.”

The monitor jumped again. This time it didn’t slow down. Your eyes felt heavy again and your back felt like it was on fire once more. “Don’t say that.” You whimpered, your voice quiet due to the pain.

“I’ll say what I want. It’s a bad idea.”

“Saeyoung.” Your voice was very firm. “I-“ you listened to the racing heart monitor again. “Do you hear that? My heartbeat? How fast it’s going because of things you’re saying? I’m supposed to be relaxed. You’re not helping.”

“I’m trying to make you be realistic” he defended.

“Go home Saeyoung.” You demanded.

“Huh?”

“Go home. Take a shower. Change out of the bloody clothes. Take a nap. Come back to me when you’ve decided to be mild and respectful of my health.”

“But, I-“

“No.” You said, allowing no room for argument. “You are upsetting me. Come back when you feel bette.r.”

“I’m scared to leave you,” he whimpered, turning to you so you could see his eyes watering.

“I need to be alone right now. Go home. See you later.”

He frowned. A lot. He sniffled.

“Stop!” You called to him. “You’re the one who said you wanted to get a divorce. And I said to leave and calm down for a while. So stop pouring.” You jutted your lip out. “I can’t get comfy laying down and my husband wants to divorce me because I got shot and I got shot.”

His frown only increased. “Take care,” he said softly, heading to the door. “I’ll respect your wishes.” He walked out the door.

#mystic messenger #mysme #seven

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ink-beneath-her-fingernails · 4 years

Text

AtLA Rewatch Notes 1x01

so I was taking notes while rewatching yesterday and I needed somewhere to dump them so,,

heads up I’m probably gonna do this for the full series

also: potential spoilers for full series (key word here is rewatch, folks)

also this has little to no coherency and is essentially just a stream of consciousness and stray thoughts

ngl i still love this intro

THEY’RE JUST!! BABIES

this art style has just always instantly grabbed me

I know ppl have talked about this before already but sETTING UP THEIR ENTIRE ARCS IN THE FIRST LIKE SIXTY SECONDS POST INTRO

does anyone else wonder who Hakoda’s dad was since a grandfather was never mentioned and Kanna didn’t marry Pakku or

catch Katara yelling instructions but not trying to help at all?? she grows honey

catch Sokka being a sexist jerk?? he grows honey

YES KATARA GO OFF

ok but Katara’s growth from her anger causing such extreme, large, accidental incidents as splitting a wholeass glacier down the middle to causing extremely intentional, purposeful, small and complex things like stopping all the rain in the area in its tracks and bloodbending someone to their knees

like,, we been knew but they can all be absolutely terrifying if they want to

how many times do you think Zuko traveled through the South Pole and the world?? I know Iroh could just be using an expression and not be serious when he says ‘we’ve been down this road before’ but the Gaang did pretty much travel the entire world over in less than a year, and Zuko’s been searching for three??

no one ever taught Aang about ‘stranger danger’ huh

Sokka going from freaking out when Appa sneezes on him and frantically trying to wipe it off on the ground vs. Sokka climbing into Appa’s mouth and just kinda chillin when he’s drooled out alsldfkdskj

“midnight sun madness” makes me think,,, do y’all think Katara and Sokka at some point realized that most other places in the world have both day and night on the regular throughout the whole year and were like. what.

like I mean yeah they probably knew but it’s a lot different knowing and actually experiencing y’know??

like when they see Omashu they’re like “they have buildings here that don’t melt??” and like. yeah they probably already knew that those were a thing but it’s such a new thing for them

(also off topic but that line didn’t really make sense bc yeah Omashu was one of the first cities/villages/towns they went to w people living in it with buildings that didn’t melt but it wasn’t the first? that was Kyoshi Island man)

also do you think they got to the North Pole and were like. It’s not supposed to be this sunny/dark out at this time of year?? What hemisphere are y’all livin in lmao

“...oh wait”

is there even proof that the atla world isn’t flat

Aang acting vs. Aang lying

I mean ngl he kinda sucks at both but there’s still a significant difference in skill level

like when he took on that role to get into Omashu vs. when he tried to convince Katara he didn’t know what happened to the avatar

but I mean he’s kind of right when he says “i didn’t know him”?? Like he never got the opportunity to learn what that role meant for him or really get to know himself very well because he is just twelve yo

also yes Aang has nightmares love the reminders that this bby is terrified and anxious and overwhelmed by the whole situation even before he becomes traumatized and gets all his Big Responsibilities isn’t that fun

do y’all ever think about what happened to the little kids in their village?? no?? just me? ok

also when Gran-gran essentially gives her approval to go to the North Pole she knew what they were getting into for when they got there didn’t she? she knows what their customs are like and that there’s a high chance they’re going to run into Pakku, doesn’t she? so either she’s hoping that they’ve made some progress (and maybe they have, it’s just still not far enough) in the time that she’s been gone, or she’s counting on Katara putting them in their place and earning their respect and Sokka backing her up

and in that case

we stan tbh

KATARA RECOGNIZING THAT BENDERS OF DIFFERENT ELEMENTS CAN LEARN A LOT FROM EACH OTHER EVEN BEFORE WE LEARN THAT LESSON FROM IROH

I love how easily and subtly they’re fleshing out the magic system in the very first ep w Iroh training Zuko and Aang explaining his glider to the kids

I love the idea of penguin sledding but it,, seems lowkey terrifying and unethical

“I haven’t done this since i was a kid” BABY NO

AANG IS RIGHT YOU STILL ARE A KID

“...and a very bad memory for my people” like I know this seems like such a throwaway line and doesn’t seem like much especially w all the other fire navy ship content but this is lowkey great setup for Hama’s memories… like nobody would want to remember that or talk about it so it makes sense that they never really discuss it until then but it really was horrible and when you see Hama’s story just that little thing in the back of your mind clicks and with just this one little scene so much earlier that most of us probably forget about it’s less holy shit plot twist what a surprise didn’t see that coming and more kind of like just a very sobering, horrible ...oh. and I think that that carries a lot more weight.

“If you wanna be a bender, you have to let go of fear” but just,, how well that sets up his dilemma with firebending and Katara breaking him out of that... he taught her that lesson first, and then she made sure he remembered it. also,,, The Guru foreshadowing?? (nah I’m probably just looking too far into it but whatever)

ok wait but she said “since Gran-gran was a little girl” so is she just kind of exaggerating or did Kanna move there post-raids and it really was technically since before she got there?

in which case do you think that’s part of why she didn’t think Pakku would follow her there, bc there were no benders anymore, or only a couple? And do you think that’s part of the reason Pakku didn’t? Like it seems like they haven’t had much contact with them at all, maybe they had no idea how bad it was at all and kind of assumed at the time that, why would she go to their sister tribe when it’s constantly under attack and basically on the verge of decimation? There are so many other places she could’ve gone, and he would’ve had no idea which one she would’ve chosen, because why would she go to both the most obvious choice and the least logical option? (Which also brings up the question of would/did he try to follow/look for her at all??) ((I’m not tryna make excuses for him at all but I like thinking about the thought processes and logic))

#atla rewatch #yap yap #atla #avatar the last airbender #1x01

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umbillicalnoose · 5 years

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i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

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sunsetsover · 5 years

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I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Ben having BPD

ok WHEW you just opened a fucking can of worms this about to be the longest post i’ve ever made i hope you have your seatbelt on

let me just preface this by saying nearly everything i talk abt in this post will be based off of my personal experiences w bpd. some people experience it differently, some people might not agree w some of the things i say, but i can only talk abt my own pov. therefore, this just my own personal opinions on ben having bpd. so yh lmao

and disclaimer!! i’m not a doctor!! don’t take anything i say in this post as diagnostic criteria! i’m not an expert or mental health professional!! when it comes to your own mental health or the mental health of ppl in your life, do not consider me a source to reference like ‘oh well lauren sunsetsover said xyz’ like pls just don’t do that. do your own research. and most importantly consult a doctor!!!!!! i am not one!!!!!!!!!

also there are very few sources in this post bc most of this is just shit i’ve absorbed over the years from doctors and doing my own research lmao

now that’s out of the way let’s go! (this became part character study, part informational masterpost on bpd. also it got really fuckin long, hence the read more, so be warned lmao)

warning for potentially triggering content (abuse/mentions of suicide and self harm - nothin too bad but i do touch on ben’s behaviour and history, and this is a p serious mental health issue we’re talking abt here so! take care of yourselves!!)

ok so! some things to keep in mind before we even get to ben:

i believe (at least in the uk) borderline personality disorder is considered to be an outdated name, and one that essentially isn’t appropriate or fit for purpose anymore, so in my experience, a lot of the time now it’s referred to as eupd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) in medical settings. which is way more apt name imo, and tells you more abt what bpd actually is (but i still call it bpd bc it’s easier and ppl know what that is lmao). so like. emotionally unstable personality disorder. i bet that conjures up a way more vivid idea in ur head than borderline personality disorder does.

no one 100% knows what causes bpd, though it’s thought to be a combination of genetic and environmental factors, like most things. but the general consensus is that bpd develops when something (usually traumatic, but not always in an extreme sense. ppl w bpd have often been victims of some type of abuse in their childhood, but that’s not necessarily always the case) happens in your childhood that impacts the development of your personality. kind of a bizarre metaphor but hopefully it will help u understand: u know how in finding nemo, the egg nemo was in got damaged by the shark? and even tho the damage looked minor, it actually meant that one of his fins was permanently damaged - it was malformed, it didn’t grow right, he couldn’t use it properly? well imagine the fin = the personality; that’s what happens to a person w bpd’s personality. smth happens to us in our childhood that permanently damages our personality, and so it doesn’t grow and develop properly as the rest of us does, making it less functional than an average person’s. u can imagine how that can lead to all sorts of problem (we’ll get to them later)

but bc it’s a mental disorder that affects the personality, you can’t be diagnosed w bpd until you’re 18, when your personality is basically developed fully (i believe it can be diagnosed slightly younger, but those are rare and extreme cases). however, symptoms can start to present themselves earlier, as ur personality begins to develop and mature. (mine started presenting in my early teens)

bpd doesn’t really go away, and treatment with medication generally isn’t effective for long periods of time. however symptoms can be treated with continued therapy, and symptoms sometimes can start to ease as you get older!!

bpd also gets misdiagnosed a lot bc a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of other mental health problems. the biggest one it gets misdiagnosed as seems to be bipolar disorder, which i get tbh. i’ve always considered bpd very similar to bipolar, just like… quicker cycles. there are even memes about it. also bpd has a tendency to coexist w other mental health issues, which makes it harder to recognise and diagnose.

so now lets look at this from a diagnostic perspective

in order to be diagnosed w bpd you basically have to deemed, by a medical professional, to be meet certain criteria, and to have been meeting these certain criteria for a significant amount of time. there are some variations to this criteria, and proposed subtypes and basically different flavours of borderlines but i’m not even gonna go there. i’m just gonna talk abt what i’m most familiar w and how i think that applies to ben.

i’m copying and pasting the diagnostic criteria part from here bc as far as i’m aware this is the criteria doctors use for diagnosis. there are 9 different ‘indicators’/’criteria’, and you have to display or meet at least 5 of them in order to be considered for a bpd diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

this is one of, if not the biggest part of bpd. that trauma i mentioned earlier? often stems from or is related to abandonment, or perceived abandonment, in childhood, be it physical or emotional. for example, a child that’s being abused by one parent might feel abandoned by the other parent if they don’t do anything about it, even if the second parent has no idea the abuse is going on. sound familiar? a similar thing happened to ben, with stella. phil not doing anything about the abuse ben was facing at the hands of stella - even though he didn’t know it was happening, even though phil did do something once he found out - was an abandonment to ben. and that’s just the tip of the abandonment iceberg for ben - kathy faking her death and leaving him was an abandonment (even when he thought she was actually dead), phil’s own abuse was an abandonment, as was his reaction when ben came out, and so on. and abandonment like that skews your thinking so you believe that everyone is going to abandon you, sooner or later, that they must be abandoning you for a reason, you must be a terrible person, you must be unworthy of people’s effort/time/love etc etc.

even when paul died, that was an abandonment to ben! like logically we know - and ben probably knows too - that paul didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave ben, he didn’t deliberately leave ben. but that doesn’t matter. mental illness is illogical, bpd is illogical, esp when it comes to abandonment. e.g. my therapist had to cancel a few of our appointments once bc she was ill, and it felt like an abandonment. like it was personal somehow, like she wasn’t coming into work bc of me, bc i was too much work, too hard to handle. ofc that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt. it’s illogical. so ofc my solution was to just not go to my appointments even when she came back, bc like what other response is there lmao. it’s just that everything a person does feels personal, like it’s because of/about you, even when it isn’t. even when it has nothing to do w you. that’s probably why ben can come across at selfish at times, like he’s making everything about him. because it is all about him, in his mind. everything is because of him, is his doing, his fault etc. his way of thinking is skewed into thinking like that, bc shit keeps happening to him and ppl keep leaving him, so it must be his fault.

and!! ‘frantic efforts’ isn’t necessarily what u think it is!! it can be desperate begging ‘i’ll do anything to keep you in my life’ type actions, but it just as equally can be lashing out and abandoning someone in order to prevent them from abandoning u first - a ‘get them before they get me’ mentality (the whole scene where phil was in the hospital comes to mind - the ‘why doesn’t he love me back?’ was the more desperate part of him, tho it wasn’t necessarily an ‘effort’ per se, but then him trying to kill his dad basically in order to have the abandonment be at least on his own terms? that’s lashing out, and def qualifies as a ‘frantic effort’ lmao). and how often do we see that in ben? lashing out at jay in the hospital because he knew he was mad at him, and he’d rather hurt jay physically before he could hurt him emotionally? ben trying to support callum and showing him kindness, only to turn around and threaten to out him when he finds out callum asked stuart to sort him out? everything that happened w his dad, trying to fuck him over before his dad can get there first, trying to get rid of keanu so he can’t be abandoned in favour of him (although that didn’t really work, but it rarely does work the way u want it to lmao). and the biggest one to me, though probably one that people have already forgotten, is him breaking up w that guy he was seeing in newcastle even tho they were into each other bc he ‘had to, otherwise [he] would have ruined his life’. even tho we don’t really get details, that says it all to me. it’s v much a pattern that’s present in ben.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)

i feel like this one doesn’t need much explaining lmao

here is a definition of splitting from here (which is a very good article on splitting imo if u wanna read more abt it): ‘Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. It’s a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.’

a little explanation of it from me: ppl w bpd can sometimes have very simplistic, all or nothing views on things. and splitting is basically when ur opinion on something or someone changes very quickly (sometimes instantly), often to an extreme (e.g. going from loving and idolizing someone, to absolutely fucking hating them, or from having a neutral opinion on something to suddenly becoming extremely angry abt it) sometimes without even having an identifiable trigger. it links into black and white thinking, which u may have heard of before - u either love someone and they can do no wrong, or u hate them and they disgust you. either something is amazing or it’s terrible. there is no grey area, no in between. it goes back into the whole ‘not being able to regulate ur emotions properly’ thing lmao there’s rarely nuances to our emotions or feelings, we’re all or nothing a lot of the time. so splitting is when ur opinion rapidly changes to one of these extremes. sometimes u can even go back and forth, splitting over and over on the same person/thing which is super fun.

ben splits on his dad all the time. all the fucking time. he doesn’t care about phil at all and wants to ruin him, then he wants phil’s approval and to be welcomed back into the family fold and the business. then ben hates him and wants him dead, then 5 minutes later he wants his love, wants to be a good son again. that’s splitting. u can also see it w jay, too, but no where near as extreme as w his dad. and i’ve seen it a couple of times w callum too, but again, it’s way more subtle. u probably wouldn’t notice it if u weren’t looking for it, whereas w phil it’s obvious.

but like i don’t need to explain ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships’, do i? just look at the relationships w phil, w jay, w lola, w callum, even w paul - they were unstable back when they first got together, and were arguably kind of intense too. (he settled a bit w paul, but his death/perceived abandonment fucked him up a lot beyond the expected ways). he’s always arguing w the ppl he loves. he tried to get poor billy killed, and yet since then he’s had no problem w him!! none of his relationships - apart from maybe his mum and ian (i don’t include lexi bc she’s a child) - are stable. and i would definitely describe his relationships as intense lmao

3. Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

u can see this most - as most things - in his relationship w his dad. he fluctuates between seeming to know his worth (and demanding other people know it too), knowing he deserves his dad’s love and approval (why else would he be so mad abt the fact hes not getting it, if not bc he knows he’s worthy of it? if he didn’t think so, he wouldn’t be so angry abt not getting it - he’d be accepting/understanding, wouldn’t he?) and being desperate to do anything to get his dad’s love/approval, even things that are below him, turning into a child, begging to know why his dad doesn’t love him, why he’s never been enough. that scene where phil had found out abt ben trying to frame keanu and leaving him for dead is the epitome of this. u can see ben fluctuate between a hurt, traumatized little boy, begging his dad for some answers, some explanation as to why he’s not enough, begging him not to start drinking again, and a man who is angry, angry at his dad, angry at himself for crumbling like this, bc he should be stronger than this. u see him change multiple times in that one single scene. go watch it again. you’ll see it too.

some more examples: his absolute certainty that he is better and more qualified than the likes of shirley and keanu for working with his dad, and then being like ‘my dad was right, i’m good for no one’ - they don’t line up. does he have self esteem and know his worth or not? also his entire relationship w callum is an example of this - all those changes in his attitude towards cal and their situation? he often treats callum like they’re equals who understand each other, yet sometimes it seems like he thinks he’s superior to callum (e.g. the scene outside the cafe), and others he behaves (keyword) as though he thinks he’s not good enough for callum (why else would he just take all that shit from whitney and not say anything in retaliation? why, if not because he deems it more important that callum has an easier time of it than he does; that he regards cal’s comfort more important than his own? and why would he do that, if he held himself in such high regards? i mean he certainly acts like it sometimes, so why not then?)

also like……. who is ben? is he the bastard who cares about no one but himself, who’s always causing trouble not only for himself but for the people he cares about? is he the guy who just completely folds when people he knows hurtle abuse at him, accepting it lying down, who thinks he’s no good for anyone? the guy who goes out all night and drinks himself silly and purposefully gets himself into fights? the guy who shows callum so much empathy even tho it brings him nothing but pain, who loves jay unconditionally, who tried so hard to help bobby when he came back from prison? which one is he? which one does he want to be? does he even know?

(and you could argue that people are just multi-dimensional, but there’s just such a vast gap between these different facets of ben’s character and he can flip through them so fast it’s jarring, which is why i think it’s more like he straight up doesn’t have a consistent sense of self. which is a big part of bpd)

4. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

again, does this need explaining?

doing illegal shit, excessively drinking, becoming unnecessarily violent, fucking up his relationships, just generally doing reckless things regardless of the consequences - this has always been a part of ben’s character.

(his constant hook ups could be another one, but the jury’s still out on that one. if anything it’s less the sex that worries me and more the flippant attitude he has when meeting up w ppl - they could be anyone and do all sorts, at the end of the day)

it became most obvious recently around the anniversary of paul’s death - drinking himself sick, gambling all his money away, deliberately starting fights. but even before that and since then it’s been there.

it’s basically just a way to self sabotage.

i feel like this one isn’t a consistent part of ben’s behaviour like the others are, but it is undeniably there, so.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

although ben (to my knowledge) hasn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour, he has at times spoken in ways that could kind of sway that way. (i’m no good for anyone, i’m not worth it, why do you care etc)

also self harming!!! just because he doesn’t hurt himself in a direct way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deliberately put himself in situations where he’ll get hurt, and that is self harm!! letting stuart beat him at pride was self harm!! picking that fight w those homophobes at e20 was self harm!!! drinking to excess is a form of self harm!!! putting himself in harm’s way, even if he doesn’t get hurt, is self harm!!!! just bc he might not be self harming in the traditional sense doesn’t mean he’s not hurting himself!!! this one has been on my mind for so long!!!! oh my god!!!!! he absolutely has a pattern of self harming/self destructive behaviours, and just a general disregard for his own safety and well being!!!! the fact that it doesn’t worry more ppl in his life is so upsetting to me!!!!!!

6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

aka the biggest part of bpd: pt 2

i feel like this definition doesn’t really do justice to this aspect of bpd. this is basically you literally having no control of your emotions. ‘day-to-day events’ have fuck all to do with it half the time. u could be sitting there minding ur business and all of a sudden you wanna smash up the entire room, for seemingly no reason. one time i was crying - like uncontrollably sobbing, a complete mess - and had been for maybe half an hour? and then all of a sudden, literally mid sob, it stopped. like it just stopped. i was done, i wasn’t sad anymore. i went from inconsolably crying to perfectly fine in a split second. can you even imagine that? it’s fucking crazy. that’s what having bpd is like. it’s like mood swings x1000 (that’s why i describe it like bipolar on a smaller scale - their mood swings last days/weeks/months, ours last minutes/hours, sometimes days but not often). you can be fine, then all of a sudden you’re not. or you can be not fine, and then all of a sudden you are. you can be ecstatic, then all of a sudden all the joy gets sucked out of ur body n u wanna die. then 5 mins later ur fine again. u can cycle thru every single human emotion in the space of a few hours with no warning whatsoever. u can go from feeling so many emotions u don’t know which one to focus on to feeling none at all. it’s exhausting. so yes ‘day-to-day events’ (this can be as minor as the way someone speaks to you, or not enjoying ur food as much as u thought u would, and it can make u terrifyingly sad or spark uncontrollable rage in u) can trigger it, but it’s like… at least that’s kind of justifiable. most of the time u just cannot regulate, control or predict ur emotions whatsoever. and often the emotions u do feel are not appropriate for the situation at hand lmao

on top of that, ppl w bpd have massive problems processing their emotions. while most ppl have the capacity to identify what they’re feeling and why, ppl w bpd often can’t. and bc they can’t identify it properly, they don’t know how to process it. that’s why emotions and feelings are so often black and white - we might develop the ability to recognise Big Emotions, like love and hate, happiness and sadness etc, but we can’t figure out the smaller, nuanced emotions. it becomes or, not and.

this is also why our emotions feel so big and all encompassing!! we can’t ignore our emotions!! they are our focus in a lot of ways. when ur sad, it feels like the world is ending, every single time. when ur happy, ur euphoric and nothing else matters, and so on. every emotion has the volume turned up to 100. that’s why our emotions sometimes come out in extreme or unhealthy ways - our emotions often feel so big we have such a hard time handling them. so we go to drastic lengths, whatever they may be, to cope.

(also bc most ppl w bpd are victims of abuse, we’re often hyperaware of other people’s moods, which can impact ours. someone can be annoyed for some innocuous, innocent reason, and yet bc we can sense it, we become scared or defensive and may lash out.)

and ben… little old ben, have u ever seen him have a rational reaction to anything in his life? how often have we seen him have an appropriate response to smth? my dad is shit, so i have to destroy him. failing that, i have to kill him. oh, my brother isn’t gonna let kill him? time to punch him in the face. my daughter ate all my cereal? it’s Overreaction Time. (this one in particular is Very Me like yes lexi is a child and he was unfair but my 7 year old cousin once drank all my j2os and i almost had a breakdown so i Get It) i’m feeling like shit? time to antagonise these homophobes until they beat me in the middle of the street. i sleep with this man once? time to get overly involved. he shows me a little bit of love and kindness? time to develop feelings for him despite him insisting he’s straight, the fact that he’s with a woman and i have been harassed and beaten by his homophobic family multiple times. but it isn’t going the way i wanted it to? time to impulsively hit him for not knowing what he wants, then immediately regret it.

and like. he went from crying his eyes out in his dad’s kitchen to threatening kat slater within the span of what, 10 minutes? he went from trying to kill his dad, to falling tf apart w jay, to trying to manipulate his dad - who had just woken up from a coma - for his own gain again, in the span of maybe an hour. if that doesn’t say rapid cycling, inconsistent emotions idk what does.

like idk enough about the old bens to say if this is a consistent characteristic of his or not (although based on the fact he killed a woman bc he was angry w his dad, i’d say it’s fairly safe to assume lmao) but ever since he came back his reactions and emotions have been pretty much never once been rational, stable or consistent.

(and like i wanna say i am saying all of this from the perspective of the bad days. so if you’re thinking ‘well, ben isn’t like that all the time’ ur right. neither am i. some days i’m fine, some days it’s not that bad, sometimes i can cope. but i still have bpd, even on those days. and imo, so does ben.)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

this is one i don’t really see in ben. we maybe see moments of emptiness, but certainly not enough to call it ‘chronic’.

also a lot of the moments we do see emptiness in ben, i feel like it’s forced emptiness, more for his own benefit or for the benefit of others rather than actual genuine emptiness. it’s not that he’s not feeling anything, it’s that what he is feeling he’s not showing. that’s very different from actually feeling empty.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

this! is! such! a! massive! part! of! having! bpd! and it’s a part that no one ever fucking talks about either!!!

and again, does this one need explaining?

ben is anger. he’s a ball of it, and he has been for a very, very long time. he’s angry at his dad, at the world, at himself. for all sorts of reasons, both complex and simple. if i sat here and tried to get into all of it this post would be twice as long as it already is. and i don’t think i really need to, anyway. it’s not as if any of us need to dig very deep to see it, is it?

‘frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights’ like i really don’t need to elaborate do i? bc what does ben do when he’s angry? his temper flairs up, he gets physical, lashes out, makes threats.

and he’s so often angry in response to emotional pain, which is the saddest (and for me, most relatable) part. just look at paul’s anniversary, how angry he was just in general, to everyone - even his mum, who is like the only exception to his anger since he’s been back - when he was just hurting and sad. how angry he got when he found out keanu had replaced him in phil’s will, when really he was just hurt. he gets angry and violent so people don’t see him as weak bc he’s hurting. he has been conditioned to get angry instead of getting sad. it’s not healthy at all.

there is so much more but i feel like it’s unnecessary for me to get into it. bc u know. ben’s not exactly subtle in his anger is he lmao

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

this is the only other one that i don’t see in ben at all, and it’s one that i don’t really experience myself either so i don’t even have any insight to offer lmao

so!! more or less 7/9!! that’s a passing grade for diagnosis!!! welcome to the club, mr mitchell!!!!

all of this, of course, has been purely from a medical, diagnostic standpoint (w some of my personal experiences sprinkled in lmao). there’s so much more to say from like a ‘living w bpd day to day’ standpoint but like, this post is already way too fuckin long so i’m just gonna hit on a few that i feel are important in regards to ben, and ones i have’t spoken abt yet

most ppl w bpd have a ‘fp’ or ‘favourite person’ (tho it can be multiple people), which sounds nice but it’s kind of a really complicated and difficult thing tbqh. here’s the best definition i could find: ‘When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.’ it’s a difficult thing to explain/understand (so please feel free to google ‘favourite person bpd’ to get a better understanding), and is not always as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s like… even if they aren’t a source of ‘emotion support’, ur mental wellbeing can hang on this person’s every move. (which is not healthy, i know, but it’s just a thing that happens w bpd!) and phil is absolutely ben’s fp. ben hates phil, and yet is still so desperate to be in his good graces, in his life no matter what that costs him… and ben’s self esteem, his actions, his moods are so dependant on phil. it just?? makes so much sense to me. i realize it may not make much sense to someone who doesn’t have any understanding of what a fp is, but like if u do, i’m sure u see what i see.

i think maybe jay was another fp of ben for a while in the past. i don’t think he is as much since ben has come back, but in the past?? maybe. like less in the ‘my happiness is dependant on u’ way and more in like a ‘i’m very very attached to u and need u in my life and would maybe go crazy if anything or anyone got in the way of that’ way.

and i think callum might be sneaking into territory now too tbqh. it would explain why callum’s actions and words have such an impact on ben’s moods despite not much really happening between them. and like i wanna say: someone becoming ur fp is not a choice. it just happens. it’s not like ben is going ‘oh im going to get overly attached to u just for a laugh’, no. this would be completely out of his control. and when it happens, it fucking SUCKS. so if that is what’s happening, it’s going to have a massive impact on ben - and it seems like it already is.

and like taking the whole fp thing out of it (bc i know it’s complicated and hard to grasp) bpd would explain why ben seems to be so attached to callum even tho very little has actually happened between them!!! like bpd will have u falling in love w someone who just shows you basic human kindness and decency, and i mean that very literally!!! bc like i said when you have bpd, you struggle to navigate and handle basic emotions, so all the nuances of romance and love? jesus christ. it goes back into black and white thinking - i either love this person or i hate this person, there is no in between. so callum, showing ben kindness? showing him support with what’s going on w louise and what happened w phil? not hating him and thinking he’s despicable and evil and all those things people say about him? and ben, having bpd? he probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend that maybe cal’s just being friendly, esp not after they slept together. so ofc he would latch tf on to that. i would latch tf on to that. his behaviour towards callum just seems very on brand for having bpd to me, genuinely.

and !! all those things whitney said the other night !! people complained about him not arguing back, but like… she’s almost saying what ben wants to hear, when it comes to callum. bc i touched on it before but like the thing is when, you have bpd ur thought process is like ‘i care about this person, they are good, i don’t deserve them, i am bad, i am going to ruin them, i’m probably manipulating them into spending time with me and caring about me, but i can’t let them go, i need them, i bet they don’t even like me, i don’t deserve them, i don’t want them to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt them, i am going to hurt them, in the end.’ (and eventually it spirals into ‘actually they’re probably going to hurt me first bc everyone always does so let me completely destroy this relationship so it’s unrecoverable and hurt them now so they can’t hurt me later’ but that’s another story) and whitney more or less confirms that for him!!! in essence, what she says to him is ‘you’re bad, he didn’t want anything to do with you but you manipulated him into it. you don’t deserve him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt me, how could you do this?’ so like… ofc he’s not gonna argue w her. he’s already had a shit day, all of the fight is gone from him, and he agrees w her!! i’m sure he was thinking that he deserved what whit was throwing at him - not necessarily for what he’d done to her, but because he is Bad and callum is Good and he needs to stay away from him, otherwise he’ll ruin him. bc that’s just what bpd brain tells u, even when u’ve got no basis to believe it. (unless ur splitting or experiencing a big emotional high, but again, that’s a different story)

and that kind of makes sense as to why he’d go to the wedding. going back to the anger instead of sadness thing - he’s hurting, so he’s going to get angry and vengeful. he has been hurt, so now he is going to hurt in return. esp considering both callum and whitney have seen him in such a vulnerable state. it’s probably a pride thing, too.

also just to expand a little more on the ‘unstable sense of self’ thing - ppl w bpd (and also victims of abuse, but sometimes that particular venn diagram is a circle) tend to change the personality based on who they’re with. which is what most people do, yes, but i mean the Extreme version. it’s a trauma response thing - u’ll reflect parts of a person’s personality back at them, or even take bits from personalities of ppl u know they like in the hopes that they’ll like u more like that, as opposed to ur real personality (if u even know what that is). and sometimes those parts stick (esp when you idolize the person u stole them from/they’re your fp), and it’s like u all of a sudden realize ur entire personality is built of parts of other ppls personalities that you’ve stolen. so it makes sense to me that ben seems to have so many differing personalities/sides to his personality, bc he’s learned which parts to show to who, and in what situations - in response to his abuse as a kid, if nothing else.

(and before anyone can even go there: that is not an act of manipulation. it’s a trauma response. it’s something that happens without us consciously having any say in it, as a way of self-preservation. it’s like if i make myself likeable and appealing to u, you’re less likely to hurt me, physically or emotionally. and yes ben has a habit of manipulation, but this is not a part of it. none of ben’s manipulation is directly bc of his hypothetical bpd, it’s bc that’s just who he is. i don’t ever want to see the two equated, or see anyone say any shit like ‘ben must have bpd bc he’s manipulative’, ever.)

just for the hell of it, here are some spicy bpd memes, bc that’s how we communicate on the internet. (here are two in particular seem quite relevant to ben rn lmao + bonus one for phil!!)

so! there we are!!! i’m sure there’s some important stuff i overlooked and that this is not what u expected when u sent me this question, but there are so many misconceptions and stigmas out there surrounding bpd that i wouldn’t have felt right half assing it. and i hope, if nothing else, u learned something abt bpd that u didn’t know before :-)

if u read this far ur a trooper lmao but if anyone has any questions, be they abt ben having bpd or bpd in general please feel free to ask!! i’ll do my best to answer them to the best of my ability 💖💖

#ben mitchell #ballum #eastenders #petty as hell but it was really bugging me that this wasnt showing up in tags so i'm posting it again lmao #sorry if u already liked/replied to it :-(#bpd #anon #question

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cherryblossomcheesecake · 7 years

Text

Stop Kissing Boys in the Street - a nyxnoct oneshot

A/N: So like, this is major au, cuz a) no war for the sake of this thing working out so therefore ppl know what noct looks like, b) this pairing is au, and c) if this pairing was canon, daddy regis' reaction would not be this, but like i said, au and this is good song about growth and acceptance, so we're going with it. The nickname nyx calls noct (myshka) is used other writers for this pairing, so it isn’t my original idea, I just used it since everyone on this mircoship has sorta adopted it? Anyways, I hope you enjoy cuz this became way bigger than I intended it to be lmao. Drop me an ask if you wanna see a specific type of fic from me, I’m open for requests.

Master List

Regis found out through the citadel grapevine. Servants gossiping during their shifts was nothing new, usually pertaining to the scandals of Insomnia celebrities, and rarely caught the attention of the king as he travelled from one meeting to the next. However, the passing of his son’s name from their lips made him pause in the hall, listening intently to what they had to say.

“Did you hear about the Crown Prince skulking about the city in the evening?” one servant tittered to her companion, receiving a gasp in response.

“No, you’re not saying that the prince was one of those two teenagers who were spotted kissing in the alley by the citadel?!”

“That’s what a guard told me.” the servants’ voices faded off into the distance as they continued on with their duties. The king adjusted his grip on his cane, continuing to walk onwards to his next meeting, disregarding the women's’ gossip. If his son was seeing a girl, he would know.

A mistake on his part.

The gossip reached his ears a second time, from a council advisor, who approached the king and his shield with a group of fellow nobles after a meeting.

“Your majesty, I’m not sure if you’re aware of the rumours surrounding your son, but perhaps you could clear it up for us.” the man questioned, arms folded tightly behind his back.

Regis turned towards him, shifting his weight from his bad leg before giving the advisor his full attention.

“There have been instances where an individual resembling the prince has been spotted out in the streets of Insomnia at night. More often than not, in the company and embrace of men.”

The king froze, his mouth forming a small ‘o’ as he thought back to the servants gossiping a few days ago. When they had mentioned two teens, they had meant two boys, something that Regis had not been anticipating.

Regis could only smile calmly, hiding his shock and anger beneath his mask. “Forgive me, councilor, but I don’t pay much attention to rumours as they rarely hold any truth to them.” the king replied, staring down at the advisor, who continued to stand his ground.

“Of course, but every rumour has a grain of truth to it, your majesty.” the man stated, offering a short bow before walking away, leaving Regis to process this new information.

Noctis hadn��t been expecting a confrontation at dinner, he hadn’t even been aware of the rumours surrounding him. When his father appeared in the private dining room for dinner, he could sense the calm before the storm. The prince kept quiet, knowing his father would speak when he was ready.

The king began calmly, as if he was discussing something as simple as the weather.

“There have been some interesting rumours circulating the citadel as of late, Noctis. Have you caught wind of them yet?”

Noctis tensed slightly, unsure of the direction this conversation was headed in.

“No, I haven’t. You always taught me rumours weren’t worth listening to unless someone brings it to your attention.” the dark-haired teen answered carefully, pushing his food around his plate.

“Well, this was interesting enough for a member of the council to speak to me about it, considering it had something to do with you and an unnamed boy.”

Noctis froze as the words fell from his father’s lips, staring down at his plate with wide eyes. Silence filled the room, the sound of the prince’s fork hitting his plate echoing in the high ceiling.

“I-uh….” Noctis scrambled for an answer, avoiding his father’s green eyes as he frantically tried to come up with an explanation.

Regis continued to speak in a calm tone of voice that oozed a deep disappointment and anger, a tone he rarely ever used with his son.

"Tell me, Noctis. How am I supposed to answer when the council tells me my son, my only heir, was kissing boys in the streets of Insomnia? Do you have any idea how this sort of behaviour reflects on the family?” the teen’s hands trembled, causing his fork to tumble from his finger tips. Blue eyes nervously stared across the table, fixing on a point just over the king’s shoulder.

“Your right as heir and next in line for the throne can be brought into question due to this sort of behaviour. It’s an embarrassment and makes our line look weak, son.” Regis tried to reason, hoping his son would tell him that it was only drunken tomfoolery and was likely to never happen again.

But Noctis merely took a deep breath, before looking into his father’s eyes.

“And what if ‘this sort of behaviour’ is who I really am? What if my romantic tastes are an embarrassment and reflect badly on our family?” the prince questioned defiantly, blue eyes boring into green. The silence was so deafening, you could hear a pin drop.

“You are part of this family; you’re my son. But this behaviour isn’t good for your health, Noctis. You need to move past this-this phase." the king stated, lacing his fingers together as he leaned against the table top.

“And if it isn’t a ‘phase’?” the dark-haired boy challenged, narrowing his eyes at Regis as he waited for an answer.

The king never replied, choosing to stand and leave, his silence enough of an answer for Noctis.

The seventeen year old prince began packing his essentials that evening, and left the citadel without a word, severing contact with his father and leaving his life as crown prince of Lucis behind.

Noctis shuffled across the apartment floor before collapsing onto the beaten up queen-sized mattress. He ended up half on top of his lover, drawing a groan from the man beneath him.

One ice blue eye opened as the raven-haired boy snuggled against the firm chest he was laying on, frowning lightly.

“Rough day at work?” Nyx questioned, his voice gravelly from sleep.

Getting a head shake in response, the glaive sighed, sitting up and pulling the younger man into his lap.

“If it’s not work, than what is it?” the Galahdian prodded, cradling his lover’s dark head against his shoulder. Noctis remained quiet for a few moments, sighing as he collected himself.

“Ignis came by today while I was at work.” he began, tucking himself under Nyx’s stubble-covered chin, “He said that the king is asking after me…”

“I thought you had severed all ties with him when you were 17..” the older man stated, waiting for his lover to clarify.

“Yeah, after he found out about...about my preferences, I moved out and we haven’t spoken since…” the prince explained, staring at a spot on the wall, “But Ignis says he’s been asking about me more often recently, and that his health is declining…” Noctis trailed off, lost for words as calloused fingers combed through thick black locks.

“What are you thinking, myshka?” Nyx whispered, pressing a kiss to the crown of the twenty-year old’s head.

“What if he’s dying, Nyx? What if he’s dying, and I never go to see him..?” Noctis asked in a broken voice

The galahdian tightened his arms around the younger man, allowing him to cry into his chest.

“But if you go, you might be able to make amends. Then you can be there until his last moment…” the tattooed man reasoned, trying to soothe his lover as he cried.

Watery sapphire-blue eyes met ice coloured ones as Noctis pulled himself away from Nyx’s chest, sniffling as he wiped at the tear tracks covering his cheeks.

“Will you come with me?” the ex-prince begged him, blue eyes wide and pleading.

“I’ll never let you out of my sight, myshka, I promise you that…” the galahdian assured, drawing his younger lover into a tearful kiss.

“Thank you...” Noctis whispered against chapped lips, allowing Nyx to pull him back down onto the mattress, tucking himself against a muscled chest.

Noctis clung to Nyx’s hand as they were led through the familiar halls of the citadel, servants that lingered along the way gossiping and whispering at the appearance of the missing prince, hand-in-hand with an immigrant, and a much older man at that.

The pair silently followed Ignis towards the large double doors that hid the king away from everyone else, a familiar sight to the ex-prince as the doors eventually opened for them. The king’s chambers were kept warm by the fires that were lit in the massive fire places, fighting the chill that crept through the citadel stonework.

The fires were the only source of light as they moved further into the king’s chambers, Noctis freezing as the duo came face to face with the last set of doors that separated them from the king. Nyx placed a comforting hand on his lover’s shoulder, grounding the younger man as he took a deep breath before opening one of the doors and entering.

The room wasn’t as dark as the rest of the king’s quarters, bedside lamps aiding the roaring fire in bring light to the room. The king lay swaddled in the warmth of his blankets and the fire, tired green eyes turning slowly until they landed on the familiar form of his son.

“Noctis…” Regis called out, his voice betraying just how uncertain he was about the man before him actually being his son.

“Hey dad…” the raven-haired man replied, taking slow, tentative steps towards his father’s bed.

“Oh, Noctis… It’s been too long, come closer, son. And bring that fellow with you.” Regis said, gesturing for the pair to come over to his bedside, attempting to prop himself up against his pillows.

The younger man knelt at his father’s bedside, worrying his lower lip between his teeth as Regis grasped his pale hand gently.

“Let me get a good look at you…” the king whispered, clouded green eyes slowly scanning the twenty-year old’s face, taking in every change he noticed—from the way Noctis styled his hair, with little braids and beads woven among the long black locks, to the small freckles and scars that he had obtained from various job occupations. But most of all, hidden behind the obvious nervousness of being back at the citadel, Regis could tell his son was happy and felt free in his new life.

His green gaze moved upwards to his son’s companion, examining the older man carefully.

“Noctis, if you wouldn’t mind introducing us.” Regis requested, nodding up at the galahdian standing behind his son’s shoulder.

“Oh, dad, this is Nyx Ulric, my um...my boyfriend. Nyx, meet my dad, Regis.” Noctis introduced the two to each other, clearing his throat slightly as he forced to words out.

“I trust you’ve been taking care of my boy, Ulric. Bahamut knows I haven’t these last few years…” the king inquired, gazing tiredly at the couple before him.

“Of course, sir. I do my best to keep him comfortable and happy, your majesty.” Nyx assured the fragile monarch, receiving a soft nod in response.

“Good, good…” Regis trailed off, sighing heavily before locking eyes with Noctis once more, “While I’m glad you have been doing alright, I didn’t ask after you so I could interrogate you and your partner, Noctis.”

“Son, I hope you’ll forgive my behaviour over the last few years, especially the whole mess about your sexuality. There is no way to excuse my reaction or my behaviour over these last few years. I’m sorry that it took me four years and laying on my death bed to come to terms with who you are and accept you.” the king wheezed out, breaking into a rattling cough that made Noctis’ heart jump into his throat. He gripped Regis’ hand tightly, Nyx resting a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“And now knowing that you have a loving and caring life partner, I know that your feelings for him are as real as the love I had for your mother. My son, make sure you keep kissing that boy in the streets. Hell, when I’m gone and you’ve been crowned as king, kiss him on the citadel balcony. Don’t ever let anyone shame you as I have." Regis told him solemnly, gripping Noctis’ hand tightly as his green eyes stared into the blue of his son’s.

Noctis held back his tears, swallowing tightly as he smiled at his father.

“Sure thing, dad.” the younger man assured, a few tears escaping and sliding down his cheeks.

The king then turned his attention to Nyx, fixing him with as stern of a look as he could muster.

“Now, I expect you to do right by my son, and make an honest man of him, Nyx Ulric. I want to at least see an engagement ring on my son’s hand before I pass on.” Regis lectured, Noctis turning a deep red in embarrassment. Nyx chuckled, gently twirling a strand of his lover’s dark hair around his finger.

“Already on it, sir.” the galahdian promised, Noctis turning around quickly to look at his partner in shock as his blush deepened.

“Good. And please, call me Regis.” the king smiled lightly, watching the duo with a pleased gaze.

Nyx gazed adoringly down at the raven-haired man, while Noctis, even with his intense blush, glanced up lovingly at the elder man through his lashes.

If Noctis falling in love and being loved was the end result, his son should keep kissing that boy in the street.

#ffxv #nyxnoct #nyx ulric #noctis lucis caelum #this hurt me #it took 3 days to do this #like wtf

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jinwoostro-archive · 7 years

Text

Train to Busan - Astro AU (1)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Okay so I highly recommend you watch the movie or read the plot bc it’ll make more sense when you read it

So most of the members hadn’t met each other before besides Moonbin and Eunwoo

Bc they recently got engaged and are travelling to meet Eunwoo’s parents (awww)

On the way to the train they meet Sanha who looks apprehensive

There’s the giant baby awkwardly movin around the station with a guitar case strapped to him

And bein the kind hearted people they are (bless ‘em) they can’t help but ask

They find out he’s only 17 (Bin he’s practically a baby!)

And coincidence! He’s travelling the same way they’re goin!!

What does Eunwoo do? He lowkey adopts Sanha and “suggests” he goes with them

The train’s quite empty bc it’s around 10am in the morning

They go into carriage no 13 and sit 1 seat in front of a man who’s already made a nest for himself and is drifting off

Right before the doors close a man jumps in looking terrified for his life

His brown hair is mussed up and his oversized sweater is hanging off one shoulder

He slumps against the door breathing heavily and eyes impossibly wide

Ofc they’re alarmed but no one moves to ask if he’s ok

Then his head snaps up and he moves forward frantically checking each seat in the carriage

When he comes to the sleeping figure he shakes him awake

“Jinjin…get up…Jinwoo get the hell up now”

It takes a longer time than expected for the man to get up

But as soon as he sees his partner shaking he’s completely alert

Moonbin can’t help but eavesdrop

The light haired man (who he learned was Jinjin) was whispering at the man who kept mumbling nonsense over and over again

At last Jinjin snapped “Myungjun, look at me and tell me what the hell is going on”

“we’re going to die”

Moonbin freezes, his blood runs cold and he’s unconsciously tugging Eunwoo’s sleeve who was previously animatedly talking to Sanha

There’s no sound from Myungjun & Jinjin and Moonbin can only assume Jinjin is as shocked as he is

Eunwoo’s whispering at him “Bin, what happened? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost”

Moonbin swivels around and demands what he means by it

But he doesn’t need an answer bc before he even finishes his question there’s screaming on the platform

The train is starting up as soon as a mass of people are rushing towards the train banging furiously on the windows and doors begging to be let in

Behind them is an avalanche of what are people but seems like twitching robots made of mismatched human parts, some missing an arm and some missing a whole chunk of their body

The train’s speeding off now leaving behind the tortured screams and bloody mess

However, they all have the imprint of the things biting into people in their mind

Myungjun is full on shaking in Jinjin’s arms now and Eunwoo has taken both Sanha and Moonbins hand

Their eyes are impossibly wide as they try to process what has happened

Outside seems quiet, too quiet compared to how loud their hearts are beating

Switch scene to carriage no 7 where a dance school full of 15-21 year olds have hijacked the carriage

Some are shrieking, some are singing wildly, and some are attempting to sleep

This all falters when they hear yelling from further down

The doors are closed but they can still see masses of people pressing themselves against the train wall and desperately trying to evade the creatures

A certain Park Minhyuk is unaware of the commotion until he senses people getting up and moving

He takes off one earbud and can hear people shouting, standing up and motioning for people to run

He has no idea what’s going on but he can see a couple of his dance mates, not ppl he’s too close with, blockading the doors with the backs

Stumbling out of his seat he attempts to move forward and help them

One of his dance teachers, a small woman known to be as fiery as her flaming red hair, pushes him towards the other carriage and helps the other students blocking the door

Rocky falters, should he escape or should he help? “Minhyuk GO!” a final warning from said teacher spurs him on

He pushes people in front of him making sure they can escape first and closing the door when they get to the other carriage

He hears glass shattering and pauses before turning around

Shit he made a mistake his breathing gets shallower as he sees his friends being bitten and convulsing

The things surround them and it becomes a snarling pile

Rocky’s unaware that he’s breathing more erratically and his knuckles have become white from gripping too hard

He starts shaking and his knees become weak. He’s unaware that someone has gripped his by the forearm and is twisting him around to face them

The eldest person in the dance group, Jung Hyunwoo, a little over 6” but with the face of a baby, is looking at him with anger and worry

He’s screaming at him but everything’s muted only white noise is playing and the only thing Rocky can do is open and close his mouth but no sound comes out

Rocky’s shoved with the remaining 3 people of his dance group while eldest opens the door and rushes in to help the others

Immediately all heads snap to the eldest and lifeless eyes are glazed over but not a second is wasted before they all jump on him

Rocky squeezes his eyes shut and brings up balled fists to his ears not wanting to hear the desperate of someone they can’t save

alright so this is pt1 and I might do a pt2 or not depending if ppl wanna read it!

#fics #astro #jinjin #park jinwoo #mj #kim myungjun #eunwoo #lee dongmin #moonbin #rocky #park minhyuk #sanha #yoon sanha #train to busan #a thing i did

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livingllz-blog · 6 years

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The Story of Us: Part 2

WEEK 5:

This week, you went to colorado for hockey. We went to lunch and hung out the night before you left and I started ignoring your attempts to talk to me in person and just gave one word responses and even BABUSHKA-ed out of your room. You texted me later asking if I were upset w you. In all honesty I was upset w myself since I felt like I was dragging you along and couldn’t decide on how I felt. We talked that night before you left and I told you to keep your options open and maybe meet a girl in colorado (HAHA) bc I realized I couldn’t live w myself if I hurt you. Since I couldn’t decide on how I felt, you suggested we kiss. I honestly got so scared. I didn’t want our first kiss to be awkward and forced. But I also was afraid if I felt nothing in the kiss, it would hurt me or worse, you. I realized it was kinda a mistake and I really should have but by then, you were on your flight to colorado.

That Friday night/Saturday morning I called you. In tears. You were out to dinner w your whole team but made time for me. I cried about a douche that tried to get w me and I was honestly upset he didn’t wanna be friends after I said no. It was stupid but I was drunk and just couldn’t understand the situation. You cared mostly about whether or not he touched me in any way I didn’t want him to and once you found out I was safe and okay, you comforted me in the fact that you would be home soon and everything would be okay. That was enough for me to fall asleep

You returned from colorado saturday afternoon. I was really excited to see you esp after you sent me a snap saying “*winky emoji* tonight” and then never showed. Your excuse? “was tipsy yesterday”

That was the first time you lied to me and cancelled.

WEEK 6:

You suggested we get sushi that night after your business pitch meeting that “shouldn’t take long” and I was beyond excited. I love sushi. But then you had to cancel on dinner bc your meeting went too long and once you were free I wasn’t. But you didn’t even cancel on me did you. No I had to figure it out myself.

That was the second time you cancelled.

But ig it wasn’t that big of a deal bc you asked me to come up that night and somehow I ended up sleeping over again. We had class the next day and from some miscommunication, I ended up walking to class alone. You thought I said something else besides meeting up and when I asked why you didn’t just ask to clarify, you said “cuz actions speak louder than words?” “And what were your actions” “Too just keep laying there with you?”

You even suggested we have a cuddle sesh. The next day, I even met your sister and you bought me bubble tea. I gotta say it was nice. I could see us doing that more in the future.

Then the next night, you invited me to the hockey house. And then last minute you cancelled and said it wouldn’t be fun. I waited the whole night for this party and I was so disappointed. So my roommate (V) and I went to pi kap instead. Then we went to delta sig where I saw your friend (D). We took pictures together and decided to walk back to race together. We were originally gonna meet you on the lawn but it was so cold outside I called and told you we would be waiting on the couch. You immediately got really angry, frantically asking what couch (you assumed the one in my room) but I only meant the couch in the lobby.

This was the first time you got jealous. But not the first time you got salty. The most salty I’ve ever seen you.

The three of us walked to get my roommate from (U) and then we walked to get pizza. I made casual conversation w (D) and you just sulked behind us not talking to anyone. At one point (D) saw someone he knew and when he stopped to talk to them, you pulled my arm and said “let’s go, he’ll catch up later”. At the pizza place, I was looking out the window for (D) to make sure he was coming and you said “whatever. Who care’s where (D) is”. When we left the pizza shop, you didn’t leave w us and when I asked, you said “I wanna stay here”. I had to basically babysit you the entire way home, your mood only lightening up when (D) went back to his room. I got out of the elevator on my floor w my roommate (V) and you reached out to me and said “where are you going?” I said “to my room to eat my pizza?” You replied “maybe I’ll see you later tonight”. I honestly didn’t want to. You were acting so weird all night and I just wanted to eat my pizza and sleep. But then later you texted “so you don’t want to hang out with me?” And I knew it wouldn’t be good if I didn’t come up so I did. When I walked into your room, you had your head in your hands and it sounded like you were crying when we talked. You kept mumbling something about (D) and leaving you to go dance w him. It was so funny bc it obviously wasn’t what I wanted. But you couldn’t see that. You were too blinded by your jealousy. I then tried to put you to bed and you kept throwing salty comments at me but I knew you were drunk and upset so I just let them all slide. You asked me why I wasn’t getting into bed w you when I tucked you in and I told you I wanted to sleep in my bed but you weren’t having it. You were so convinced I was going to leave you for (D) after you went to sleep. HA.

The next night, we had our third talk. And in that, I basically friend zoned you. I didn’t think I could deal w how clingy you were the night before and this was all before we were even dating. I told you I was so busy and I didn’t have enough time for a relationship and that it wouldn’t be fair to you.

WEEK 7:

The next two days after our talk, you were really salty at me. I asked you to go on a walk w me and you said no. I asked you to go to dinner and you said you just left. Finally after you asked to hang not so well “what you up too” *3 mins pass* “fuck it nvm”. We ended up watching stranger things and cuddling, so ig it worked kinda well. We even had a cuddle sesh the next night too, even tho I was sick. I hadn’t eaten anything all day and decided I should at least drink a smoothie but going out into the cold wasn’t a good idea for me so you memorized my order and actually got dressed to walk out into the cold just to get a smoothie for me. My heart swelled. How were you such a good guy. I didn’t think I deserved you and you were so whipped for me.

WEEK 8: where things start going downhill

You said we couldn’t hang out anymore or cuddle bc “I teased you too much”. Okay can I just say, while we were cuddling, I didn’t understand why your dick was OUT OF YOUR PANTS. That’s not a thing!!!

This weekend, we hung out friday night and I fully thought we were gonna sleep together. And when we woke up? I was gonna ask you out. But of course things never happen as they should. You were really salty that night when I said I would go back out to another party, you said “just go. Idk what you’re still doing here” I stayed in w you, for you. And when I was ready for bed, you said I’m gonna sleep here tonight. Even tho there were ppl fucking in your room. Why couldn’t we sleep in my bed? Bc you wanted to sleep in yours. That’s such bullshit.

That is the third time you cancelled. And the worst time of all.

The next night, we met up outside of our building and I thought we were just gonna go up to your room, but instead you took us to the hockey house to play flip cup. I was surprisingly really good. We even had a 1v1 and I beat your ass haha. If I wasn’t already drunk before, I definitely was now. But I still remember everything that happened that night. We played more flip cup and even did some dancing together. I love dancing, I can’t believe it took us 8 weeks to dance together. Can’t say you’re too bad at it either. Also, can I just say leading up to tonight, you have always respected my boundaries and not tried to push me to do anything I didn’t want to. You never forced yourself onto me or kissed me when I didn’t want it. While you’ve made the situations, going the 90%, you ALWAYS waited for me to put in that last 10% when I was ready. That was something I really respected about you. Tonight was kinda the same, while we were dancing, you did try and kiss me but instead I asked what the hell last night was about, you not wanting to sleep w me. You said “can we talk about this later” and I just went on dancing and you moved on. I ended up talking to this guy that went to PSU since my best friend goes there and I was asking him about their parties. I noticed you eyeing us, so I included you into the conversation but if anything that just made you more salty and we left almost immediately after that. On the walk home, I asked you again about last night. For some reason you seemed really hesitant but we pinky promised to tell the whole truth. You said “I don't understand what we are. Normal ppl don’t just cuddle as much as we do and it never leads to anything. We haven’t even had our first kiss yet!” So I kissed you. Under the tree next to the parking lot outside our building. “What I only get one kiss” And I kissed you again.

Honestly I expect a kiss to have fireworks and be amazing. All the other guys I’ve kissed, there has been nothing in the kiss. But with you, I felt something more. Not fireworks and the whole shabang, but I did feel a little spark. Maybe it just needed more time. After all we only knew each other for 8 weeks.

But then as we stood under our building roof, you holding both my hands bc it was cold and it also made it more intimate and dramatic, you said that you needed more from me. You wanted to fuck me. “Don’t use that word tho (fuck), it’s not the only thing I want from you. I also want a relationship”. But I had told you already, I’m not having sex until marriage to which you replied “I know you’re a good Christian girl. But 10 years is a long time. What if it’s in the moment tho? What about true love”

Whoa whoa whoa. What about true love??? We’ve known each other for 8 years. You can’t be serious. You can’t be saying you love me..can you? So I asked you “do you love me?”

“I like you a lot and I feel really comfortable around you”

“I feel comfortable around other ppl but it doesn’t mean I love them. Do you love me? Yes or no”

“Yes I do”

WOW what a truth bomb.

But by the end of the night, it’s agreed that we have differences of opinion and one of us has to decide. There’s no compromise here and I’m not folding on what I believe. So if he truly likes me so much, loves me, he needs to decide he’s not having sex, not having sex w me. He asks for some time to thing about it and I tell him of course, he should think it through. But I’m not worried. Sex is such a little thing. It shouldn’t be a deal breaker, esp if he likes me so much.

The night before thanksgiving break, we’re playing Kings in your room and the card is never have I ever. Your roommate (C) goes “never have I ever waited until marriage”

Ouch. What hurt even more? When someone asked (C) why he said that, he replied “I wanted Liz to drink”

So you told your roommates something extremely private about me, and then they used it against me. That’s fucking messed up.

I talked to you about it the next morning before I left for break and you apologized for him. You said it was never your intention to hurt me and I knew that was the truth. I willingly forgave you.

Throughout thanksgiving break, the time apart makes me realize I like you more and more. I can’t wait for us to talk after break bc then we can finally start going on dates and seeing what the future has in store for us.

#story #girl #drama #boys #college #storytime #crush

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xiaobanh · 7 years

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too many tags lol

so i got tagged by ppl for tag games 50 years ago so i figured i’d just do them all at once LOL thanks to those who tagged me! i tag anyone who wants to do this :D

tagged by: @the-exocist , @fuckingminseok , @chabakan

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better Nickname: tiff Starsign: sagittarius Height: 5′3 Time right now: 6:07pm Last thing I googled: ready for it taylor swift review (wasn’t sure if i liked it or not LOL) Favorite music artist: IU, exo, beyonce Song stuck in my head: crawl out of love - illenium Last movie I watched: inglorious basterds (so good omg) What are you wearing right now: gray tank top and shorts When did you create this blog: uhmmm august of 2012??? What kind of stuff do you post: well now it’s a lot of photography and aesthetic stuff LOL Do you have any other blogs: i do, but they’re both inactive and i’m planning on deleting one Do you get asks regularly: nah, i’ll get one every now and then (whenever @174cents sends me an ask lol) Why did you choose your URL: in a roommate episode with pcy, he was keeping score for a game and he drew them in a really cute way so everyone called him chancasso Gender: Female Hogwarts House: ravenpuff :D Favorite Color: i love pink Average hours of sleep: around 7 hours?? Lucky number: 9 Favorite character: hermione granger! How many blankets do you sleep with: 2, one covers the bed and the other covers me :D Dream job: biology teacher Following: 111

Posts: 1131 (used to be like 30,000 something but i cleared out a LOT)

Dream Trip: a stop in all the countries around the world, done in one year

Favourite celebrity: uhmmm chris pratt, john krasinski, emilia clark, zendaya

Favourite book: Dairy of a wimpy kid (I can relate so much to it,lol)

This or That Tag

1. Disney or Studio Ghibli? Studio Ghibli all the way 2. A book or a movie? both! 3. Comedies or scary movies? comedies pls scary movies make me so paranoid 4. Emotional or logical? i’m logical sometimes but i’m also very very emotional lol 5. Pastel colors or dark colors? Pastels 6. Candles or incense? Candles 7. Summer or winter? winter, i’m over summer 8. Museum or aquarium? both tbh 9. Halloween or Christmas? christmas aLL THE WAY 10. Peppermint or spearmint? are they not the same.... 11. Cake or pie? Cake 12. Forests or fields? Forests 13. Morning shower or evening shower? mornings, but i dislike having to wake up 30 mins earlier :( 14. Massive mansion or cozy cottage? Cozy cottage 15. Dinosaur kid or space kid? SPACE

questions questions ^^

Tagged by: @influentyeol (thank u cynthia <333)

1. Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

what

2. What were you doing at 11PM last night?

watching inglorious basterds with my best friend

3. How do you feel about 3AM?

3 am is very peaceful and quiet and if i’m awake i’m either watching a drama or studying for a test

4. I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

nOPE

5. You can drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

water (noice cynthia)

6. Do you like hickeys?

yes, but preferably in a place that can be easily covered by clothes (i don’t trust concealer bc it rubs off D:)

7. Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

right now, nope!

8. Do you always answer your texts?

i’m actually really bad at answering texts/message bc i’m rly busy during the day and i get tired when i’m at home, but i try my best to answer within 2-3 days

9. Last time you talked to one of your best friends?

on the phone, yesterday. over message, like 2 mins ago

10. Are you a silent or talkative person?

i’m fairly talkative, i like meeting new people, but if i’m in class or smth i won’t talk to ppl i don’t know unless i need to

11. Is anyone else in the room with you?

nope

12. Do you cry easily?

not really, i only cry when i’m watching a movie or a kdrama

13. What is your family like?

p cool, we’ve been through a lot but we’re okay now

14. What was your last text message?

i’ll see you friday then! (to the student i’m tutoring lol)

15. Most embarrassing moment?

so like i was at this party for labor day at my friend’s house and everyone was in the pool swimming and then someone was like ‘let’s have a race’ and i’m like hECK YES bc i used to be a competitive swimmer and swimming gets me excited but like i forgot i had on a bikini and that bikinis are definitely not ideal for competitive swimming and i was like all ready, and then when i push off the wall my boTTOMS ALMOST COME COMPLETELY OFF so like while i’m swimming across this tiny ass pool i’m like frantically trying to pull them up with each stroke and like not only did that happen, i also finished LAST and to this day i still don’t know if anyone saw my buttcrack while i was swimming

16. If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

i was about to say one on my nose, but i don’t think i’m edgy enough to rock a nose piercing LMFAO

17. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

i’m so glad i’m done with summer classes

18. Where are you going on your next vacation?

no idea tbh i haven’t gone on a legit vacation in a while

19. Where have you lived most of your life?

socal

20. Do you curse around your parents?

uhmmm i haven’t said anything worse than ‘shit’ around them i think lol

21. Are you happy with where you live?

i guess so, like i’ve been at my house for like 3/4 years now and there are times where i still miss my old neighborhood bc the neighbors were so nice there, and like this neighborhood is so suburban and the ppl are all like fake nice, but we keep to ourselves and i like my room so i’m happy

22. Words you can’t spell half the time?

massachusetts and sagittarius LOL

23. What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

watching inglorious basterds with my best friend

24. Do you cook?

every now and then

25. Name four things that you wish you had!

money, my own apartment

26. Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

yeah!

27. How is your hair?

the bottom half is messed up bc of bleach so i gotta get it cut and redone lol i rly wanna do a gray ombre

28. Think back to January 2007, were you single?

YES LMAO i was like 11 then omg

29. Are you nice to everyone?

i try to be!

30. How do you feel about sea aquariums?

I LVOE THEM

music shuffle thingy! i’m supposed to put my music on shuffle and post it

tagged by: @pcyoshie

1. if i get drunk today - suran

2. it’s you - super junior

3. no jam - kisum

4. congratulations - day6

5. i’ll pick you up - standing egg

6. good thing - NCT 127

7. drip, drip, drip - standing egg

8. i like that - sistar

9. wind beneath your wings - mc the max

10. second lover - standing egg ft. san e

i recommend all these songs tbh other than good thing, i like that, and no jam, they’re all p mellow and great for studying/relaxing ^^

All Tag Game

Tagged by: @the-19th-cloud (deactivated :( )

Rule: list your URL in song titles

C - complex - zion t ft. g-dragon

H - how do you think - cheeze

A - and july - heize ft. dean

N - no makeup - zion t

C - cover up - taeyeon

A - all for you - seo in guk & eunji

S - stay - blackpink

S - stop the rain - eric nam

O - oasis - crush ft. zico

If you receive this, post random things about yourself and then pass it on.

i’m currently a student teacher and i’m enjoying it so much :’)

i’m no longer in a relationship and i am happier now

i really like pretty/aesthetic things

i love my dog

her name is maisie

and i love her

Rules: 9 questions, 9 answers and 9 cute people (or as many as you want ☺️)

1. What was the last movie you saw?

inglorious basterds

2. What was the last song you listened to?

crawl outta love - illenium

3. What was the last show you watched?

the office

4. What was the last book you read?

game of thrones by george rr martin

5. What was the last thing you ate?

noodles with stir fried veggies and tofu

6. If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

i’m happy where i’m at now LOL

7. If you won the lotto and millions of cash, what would be the first thing you buy?

pay off the house, finish paying for uni, and then save the rest LOL

8. What fictional character would you like to hang out with for a day?

jon snow bc you know.... ;)

9. What was the last fandom you joined?

rick and morty!

#text #personal

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