#i wrote this at 5 am so let me know if it's full of mistakes

[xenizaation]

permanent

pairing: fem! reader x choi san (ft kim hongjoong)

genre: angst, friends to lovers, smut

general warnings: depictions of a depressive state, mourning of partner, self-blame and slight ptsd

sexual warnings: dirty talk, pet names, manual stimulation, oral sex (f receiving), unprotected sex, creampie,

word count: 12.6k

summary: they say moving on is hard. you find that it's even harder when in the process of it, you have to accept your feelings for your friend as well.

less important a/n: ok so this was supposed to be like 5k long 🙃🙃...chile, anyways. uhm, this came from me bottling my emotions up for the last 5 months and I just wanted to let some of my suffering out in some kind of way. even if it is far from what I feel (I feel the need to specify that the events related below aren't inspired from my life, happily so). read at your own discretion, for I have tried my best to make you feel horny and miserable at the same time 🥰🥰🥰 stay safe xoxo

a/n from long later: hi i wrote this about a year ago and i found it in my drafts and hey why wouldn't i post it after not posting something in ages? haha. enjoy! altough it's probably rlly bad and full of mistakes hihi, i ain't reading this again to correct it. i love you muah

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The cold air felt like needles poking at your bare skin. You ran as fast as you could, barefoot in the woods, feeling every little scratch that was tearing open the skin of your soles and staining it with fresh blood. Your lungs were holding hostage a fire as you were inhaling the cold night air, and the sweat you felt dribbling down your face and back was only of help to make you feel even colder. You looked behind, once, twice, and then a third time too, slowly reducing your pace until it came to a halt.

"What am I running away from?" you ask yourself looking around. There was nothing, no one after you. So why were you running for your life? Your heart starts to beat faster as you hear screams coming from deep within the trees. But you don't run. You can't run anymore. You just fall to the ground, embracing your knees to your chest.

"Me!"

You don't turn around. That voice is way too familiar to make you turn around. Your mouth hangs open as you try to scream but no sound comes out as your muffled moans remain drowned in the deepest point if your throat.

You gasp for air as you wake up shaking your head relentlessly, in order to try to snap yourself back to the reality you're in- so your heart would stop beating so damn fast. You groan as you look over at the watch on your nightstand and see it spell 3:37 AM. You grab your phone from next to it and shut your eyes closed at the sudden brightness the screen displays. You manage to decrease it and open your contacts.

"Still awake?" you ask, and you know you shouldn't. He always offers you more than you can give back, more than you deserve. But you can't help yourself. You cannot deny yourself the little peace you still have in your life.

"Yeah, wassup?"

"Can you call?" you hit send and it's a matter of seconds between him receiving the message, him reading the message and then his name popping up on your screen. You answer.

"Again?" San questions from the other end of the phone. You only hum in affirmation. He sighs softly as you lay down on your side, phone trapped between your ear and the pillow. You hear the clicking of the keyboard and mouse clearly, he must be working late again. And yet he always answers. More than many people you've met did for you.

"Tell me a story." you ask once again. For the...well you've lost count.

"You know, one day I'm going to be out of stories," he answers and lets out a chuckle. Bathing in your silence, he takes his time to think about what he could tell you. As he begins, you close your eyes and imagine whatever he is helping you picture inside your head. Be it the times when he was a little kid and used to walk with his grandparents down the side of a river, or the times he was a teen and was always struggling to get out of trouble, San always gave you a vast amount of details that made you worship his each and every story. And they always made you dream something pretty when you dozed out of consciousness with him still talking on the other end. This night was no exception, so when you wake up, you send him a text that expresses your gratitude as always.

"Listen, if you still want a contract renewal you need to publish something within next year," you look at your boss and feel every word he lays out weighing your body down like you're going to fall through the floor. "I get writer's block, I really do. And we gave you time. You took your time. But it's been almost two years now..." his words stop reaching your ears as you're reminded. One year, ten months and twelve days. And still counting. The count will never stop, you realize, as the event it started from cannot be reversed. You will always be stuck in a period of time since it happened.

"You're one of the biggest names here in our publishing house, Y/N. We don't want to lose you but at the same time we can't keep focusing on you if it will be to no avail." he is right. He is always right, your boss. Always had a strategic mindset, and that always helped both of you. Except now. Now he was asking for something you couldn't offer.

"I'm sorry," you manage to blurt out. "I'm trying my best and I know it's not enough." if you had to be honest, hearing yourself say those words out loud made your heart break even more that it already was. Partly because it was true, and the rest? Because it sounded like you were asking for compassion, which you thought was pathetic. You never liked people looking at you the way you caught yourself looking at homeless individuals.

"I'm gonna get something out, ok? I promise you, just please have a little more faith in me. I need you to trust me to be able to do this."

You look up and make eye contact with him. Park Seonghwa was never one who showed compassion. But as his gaze traced over your fingers picking at your cuticles, the dryness of your lips and the shadows of your hollowed eyes, you felt something you grew too accustomed with in the last almost two years of your life.

Pity.

"Come on, let me take you out on Thursday." San pleaded as he was following in your steps down the hallway of the company you worked in. You didn't expect your little trip to talk to your boss would end with this. "You literally have nothing to lose." He completed and you stopped, facing him. You met his familiar and comforting eyes, which always reminded you of a cute fox, and his dimpled smile as he watched you keenly. It has been almost four years since he started working at the same company you did, but since the beginning, you two were more than just work colleagues. It was the type of connection where you would understand each other from simple looks into the other's eyes or where you could easily finish each other's sentences. You liked to consider him your platonic soulmate but you knew that if you hadn't had a relationship at the time you two met, you would've have surely gone out together and maybe made a good couple.

Well...now you didn't have a relationship anymore but you weren't exactly in the right headspace for one.

By now, you and all the rest of your workmates knew how big of a crush he had on you, but you never let it get out of control. You were feeling kind of guilty, to be honest. Knowing that in a way, you were using it to your advantage for your sleepless nights or the ones in which sleep was ruined by nightmares. But you were sure he was getting his benefits from it as well.

"Look, I want to but I really don't wanna be a bitch to you if I suddenly feel like shit." you reply, and in all honestly, it was true. Your mood hasn't been so stable lately, understandably so.

"Well, how about this: if you wake up in a good mood on Thursday and decide it's okay to hang out, you text me, and we do whatever you feel comfortable with. And if we do go out and do something together and you end up feeling like shit then you'll tell me and I'll get you home in the fastest way possible for a human being. How does it sound?"

Not bad. He is giving you every little piece of comfort that you knew you needed but you never asked for. So you agree. It wouldn't be the first time you hang out with San, sure, you never called them dates, because to you they were not. But you knew that for any outsider it looked exactly like that. And who is to blame? You two always worked hand in hand just so well. These no-pressure type of meet-ups you two had always made you feel comfortable so that was why you were considering it this time as well.

Days pass and you spend them stuck in your home, drowning in your bitter memories and your regrets. The taste of guilt never becomes sweet, you think. Not like how alcohol does when you drink more and more of the same kind. No. Guilt only grows in bitterness and in how it burns down your throat, feeling like it swirls all of your insides once it reaches your stomach. In a way, guilt feels like the long estranged sister of love. Both let their essence hover in your mind for however long they like.

As you rise from your bed to make some hot coffee you think of what day it is. Between the mix of reliving the moments long gone in the same apartment you still stand, and the countless intents to come up with something that you could present to your boss, you didn't know which one made you lose track of time more. You checked your phone for a bit of clarity. No new messages or notifications. At this point, everyone knew better than to bother you with their worries.

Thursday.

Well, seems like you had to cancel out on someone, you thought as you tried grabbing the coffee pot on the stove, but lost in your thoughts, you pay no attention to the handle and drop the pot on the kitchen tiled floor as soon as you feel the skin on your palm burn. You swore and quickly took a few steps back so the burning coffee on the ground wouldn't get to your bare feet. You shook your hand trying to get a cold breeze to the inflamed skin but it only made it feel worse. As you stopped to look at the damage you realized it wasn't all that bad, but it sure stung like a motherfucker. You ran your hand under the cold water of the sink and looked to your right. The brown liquid on the ground was expanding, getting in every little crevice in between the tiles.

****

Coffee was getting everywhere. It splashed on the kitchen counters, it was slowly getting under them too. You froze for a few seconds after your mug made contact with the floor, shattering to dozens of pieces.

"Well, that can't be a good sign." your lover said from behind you finishing with a low chuckle. You smiled, turning on your heels and taking in his form. You woke him up, well, the mug woke him up actually. Approaching you slowly, with a slight limp in his walk and his shoulders dropped all the way down, his hair was fluffed up and his skin a nice shade of pale with a few lines from the pillow on his left cheek. He always looked so angelic, you never could put it into words, how it made you feel, seeing him first thing in the morning. It was something that made your insides crazily stir up but made gave you a sense of tranquility, at the same time. That was how loving him usually was. Two opposite sides walking hand in hand. He grabbed you by the waist and pulled you closer to him, softly pressing his lips against the crown of your head. You joined your hands behind his torso and inhaled deeply. Your heart skipped a beat as your lungs felt intoxicated with his smell.

"Today is the big day, huh?" his voice was still hoarse as he spoke, every word of his drumming in your ears. You nodded.

"I'm really nervous." you answered and let your forehead drop against his shoulder. He hugged you tighter with the hand around your waist and gently pat your head with the other.

"I know, angel. But it's gonna be alright, ok? Your friends will be there, your parents will be there and I will be there. You can lean on me." he said kissing your cheek. "You know that, don't you?" his face right in front of yours, you responded with nothing more than a slow kiss. A kiss that was rehearsed so many times before that your lips and tongues already knew what they had to do, how they had to move around each other. Sometimes it felt like a dream, how everything came so easy with Hongjoong. How you didn't have to think twice about what you wanted from him and with him. And for all you knew, and all he had shown you across the time spent together, he didn't do that either. Every morning next to him felt like the luckiest one, and every night with him ended just the same. And you knew that if you were to live a hundred more years alongside him, you still wouldn't get enough of his embraces, or kisses or just simply him. There was nothing in the world that could cure the insatiable love you felt for the man in front of you.

As he pulled away from the kiss he gestured with his head behind you. "Now how about I clean the mess you made, and you make coffee for both of us? We have a book launch to attend, after all." you laughed and kissed him again.

*****

As your breath got heavier and your eyes started to burn up you unconsciously took your phone from the kitchen counter.

"a picnic would be perfect" you text your friend. The desire to get out of the prison your house has become, growing bigger by the second.

"Tell me if this isn't an appropriate question," you heard the man next to you say, derailing your train of thought as you directed your attention towards him. The weather is hot today, it really was a good call, suggesting a picnic. You haven't been on one in a long while and you missed feeling of how the calm of the nature overwhelmed most of your senses. Also, you couldn't handle a complicated social situation on this day. So it was perfect right now, laying on a blanket, stranded in a flower freckled field with none other than San. You turn your head towards him. " What made you want to go out today?" he completed, not looking at you. He was laying on his back, with one arm under his head and his eyes closed, as if he feared the reaction you were going to have to his words. You didn't blame him for asking. In a similar situation where the roles would be reversed, you knew for sure you would ask too. After all, you and San were made of many of the same things. " Don't get me wrong, I'm happy you agreed, but it didn't seem like you would." he adds.

"Some days my house feels like a torture chamber." you say turning on your side and facing him, supporting your head on your angled arm. He was so still, you could barely even notice the way he slowly breathed in and out. It was as if the sun was painting his portrait and he was afraid to move, to not mess it up. Every ray that was falling on his exposed skin seemed to caress him the way a lover does.

"And some days it does its job." you completed after returning on your position on your back, mimicking his. "Today just didn't felt like one of the days I'd like to be tortured." you finished and felt his gaze on you right before you closed your eyes. If you thought he seemed worried, you made sure not to address it.

"One time when I was little, I was playing with a friend of mine," you smiled, realizing this is just the beginning of one of his captivating stories. "I don't remember how we got to that point, but he left me in a room and said he was gonna lock me there, and so he got out and he did." a bit darker than what he usually tells you, but still intriguing.

"At first I thought it was fun, that we would take turns locking each other in the room but he wasn't coming back. The room had only one window but it was locked when I tried to open it and get out. So I just waited. I think hours passed, it was getting dark and I was getting worried and hungry, thought I'll be stuck there forever, until it crossed my mind. I never even tried to open the door. Turns out it didn't even have a keyhole."

"San, if you're trying to put me to sleep with this one, just know it doesn't really work." you say smirking, still holding your eyes closed as you let the sun bathe your face.

"I'm not, Y/N. I'm trying to tell you that most of the times, the doors aren't locked. We just think that they are." he responds and you open your eyes to look into his. His look is full of compassion, and a bit of sadness that you choose to overlook. You finally understand what he means to tell you and you realize he is right. But even if a door isn't locked, you shouldn't open it unless you're ready to do so. You gently touch the back of his hand, and he is quick to caress your fingers with his thumb, changing his focus to where your hands are joined.

"Thank you," your words came out more like a whisper than you would've liked. "I know I don't do much for you...but I'm hoping I'm not that much of a nuisance, like I feel I am." he turns his hand, joining his fingers with yours and making eye contact with you. The simple gesture of affection made your head dizzy in a way you haven't felt in a long time. Your heart creaks up a little.

"You couldn't be one even if you tried," he said, his gaze lazily tracing the outlines of your face. You were the most beautiful thing he's ever seen in his life, even now. Even after all the hardships you've been through, and that you're still going through. The adoration his heart held for you never stopped burning, no matter how much he wished for it to do so. For San, loving you was as easy as it sounded and as hard as it could get. Setting his eyes on the bags under your eyes he recalled a memory that stood like a scar on his brain. Your eyes were so dark that day, your eye bags a shade of purple he hadn't seen on any painting quite yet. Your lips were pale and chapped and your skin looked like it lost all its pigment.

Black didn't suit you so well, he thought. Not when it was worn the way you were wearing it then.

But the worst came when it was time to say goodbye. He still remembered your cries and wails and it made the skin on his spine tremble in its place. Could he ever forget how, on that day, you looked like the angel of death?

Now you looked better...like life was coming, little by little, back into your body, and the pure sunlight was definitely helping it. He should let the sun see you more often, he thought.

You pulled your hand from his when you felt like his eyes were analyzing your features for a bit too long. Rising in a standing position, you started examine the insides of the basket he prepared.

"Oh my God! You brought me watermelon!" you shouted loudly as you took the container holding the red pieces of fruit in it. The only thing San could do at your reaction was laugh, throwing his head back to look at the puffed up white clouds.

Four days since you brushed your teeth, three since you showered, two since you changed your clothes, one since you ate, and one year, eleven months and fourteen days since you've last held the love of your life in your arms. But, hey, who's keeping count anyways?

Time loses all its meaning when you confine yourself like you are some dangerous animal meant to be locked up in a cage. Between the moments you try to stay awake and the ones you try to sleep, you have little to remember. The only thing that gives a little light to the fog in your brain is San. His stories in the middle of the night, conversations you happen to have during the day and occasional meetings that you're always the one to initiate. He always makes you feel good, always picks the right words to say and you don't know how he has the patience for such things. You love and hate him for it. You love him for being such a considerate and kind person, and you hate him for making you forget. It's strange when you get home and reality dumps on you at the front door. The reality you actually live in and not one you indulged yourself to have with San for a few hours. It's just...with him everything is colorful and melodic but when you get home the only thing you hear are your sighs echoing off the walls back into your ears. You wished you could be stuck in the feeling you have around him forever, but at the same time, every time you have that feeling you feel guilty for it. Like it's impossible to allow yourself any sort of break.

The last days have been impossible to get through. All you did was look around at the mess that was around you. A mountain of clothes, waiting to be washed for weeks now, a sink full of dishes and mugs, lots of crumpled sheets on the ground ( proof of all your tries to put something together). Everything was a disaster, inside and out. You had no willpower to do anything about it but you knew that the more you would stay in a shitty space, the more you would feel like shit. So for the first time in months, you opened the window.

*****

He placed the two mugs on the windowsill as he opened the window, allowing the cold breeze of the morning to brush over the exposed skin. He watched you closely as you made sure to turn off the stove and place the coffee pot in the sink. Your eyes met his as you felt the cold air run down your back, giving you shivers. He smiled contentedly at the sight of your body slowly shuddering. The "window" habit was a thing Hongjoong let into the relationship since the beginning of it. It was crazy for you how sometimes you caught him doing it first thing after waking up. You loved to watch him open the window and inhale the morning air with his elbows pressed against the wooden frame. Those moments wouldn't last long, but you treasured them more than he maybe thought about it. There was a thing about this domestic life, and seeing him do his own rituals that had you turn into quite the observer.

"You love to make me cold, don't you?" you smile brightly getting closer and closer, until you reach the space right in front of him.

"Angel, you're so hot in the morning that I'm afraid you might overheat. I need to cool you down a little, don't I?" he says on his usual cheeky tone, the one you grew to love in such little time. As he places his hand on your hip, you take a sip of your coffee. Like your actions served as a reminder of the hot liquid resting in his mug, he does the same.

"I can think of some other ways you could cool me down..." you say as you hook your finger on the front waistband of his pajama pants, sliding it from left to right. He chuckles in his mug and pulls you closer. Your chests rise in unison as you look each other in the eye, you don't say anything but this moment feels like a promise neither of you wants to break.

He looks to his left, at the city and at the people. Taking advantage of the opportunity, you place a few slow kisses on his jaw.

"I want us to find a new place," he says scooping you up as you squeal in surprise. You hook your legs behind his waist instantly while he walks towards the bedroom. "I want a balcony." He completes before kissing you and you laugh into the kiss, thinking of the many ways you two could make use of said balcony. He sure was thinking the same thing you did, giving how he started laughing as well.

His laugh was the only thing you ever wanted to hear again.

*****

You look down at the windowsill and see the brown marks in the body of two circles imprinted on the wooden surface. You always told him to use the damn coasters. Now the wood was stained. Permanently stained. Permanently ruined. Just like you were.

As you get on with cleaning you try to keep your brain busy with thoughts like what you should do after you finish a task, and what you should do after that one is finished as well. You thank yourself for choosing to clean, as you get out of the shower and throw yourself into the bed. Not only does it now smell like flowers, but you're also tired enough for sleep to steal you the minute you close your eyes.

"Ha! Check mate!" San exclaimed from the other side of the table you both were sat at. This was an odd activity that you had never done before. Playing chess, in a park, fully exposed to the summer sun. And you weren't even middle aged. Crazy to see how far the desperation to get out of the house will make someone go. But if it was with San, you were sure that there weren't many place where you wouldn't go.

"Your mind seems to be elsewhere," he said, angling his head innocently like the little puppies do when you tell them not to lick the outlet. His black hair was swooped out of his face, making his cheekbones pop out in a way you didn't think it was more humanly possible.

"Oh, you know damn well I suck at chess, San." you said kicking his queen with your finger. It became clear to him that you were an unfit partner for this game after like, the half of the first match. As the piece made contact with the chessboard, San tittered, making his eyes turn into crescents and his dimples scar his cheeks again.

"You just don't want to learn," he said as he started picking the pawns. You gave him a hand, collecting all the pieces on your side.

"You play the pawns when you still have the queen..." he offered a dramatic sigh as he clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth. True, it was more comfortable to lose with the pawns than with the queen.

"How's the book going?" placing the game of chess in his backpack, he made eye contact with you as he pressed his elbows against the surface in between. You sigh.

"It's not," you admit thinking about all the documents you've erased the last month or every manuscript you tossed in the trash. Nothing was coming together and you hated every word after writing it. Not only was this process driving you mad but it also made you doubt all your abilities as a writer. People would expect more from someone who had a bestseller out there, you thought. But it wasn't your job to rise to anyone's expectation.

"Maybe I was just a one hit wonder." you say smiling sadly. It really did pain you to think that you weren't able to do the sole thing you ever thought yourself good at. But maybe, after you lived in a thousand realities in the past two years (as of today, maybe the reason why you wanted to get out of your home so bad), this was your new one. A reality in which you weren't able to write anymore. Fear was not even close to describe how you felt about the future.

"Don't kid yourself, I know you'll make it eventually." San offers, grabbing your hand in his. "You know, you should be the last person who is hard on yourself." he rubs your hand with his thumb. You wish you could pull away from his touch, or to at least want to pull away. But you don't. His touch is comforting and not a lot of things in your life are that way right now. As you look at him there is a sudden desire to punch yourself in the face, for the only thing that comes through your mind is to thank him again. As you did countless of times before. He did say he grew tired of it.

"You know what I'm in the mood for?" you avoid the subject successfully as he rises his eyebrows, showering you in all his undivided attention. "Drinking my sorrows at a shitty bar." you finish off, painting a big smile on your face. He mirrors it as he sighs through his teeth, letting go of your hand. He notices your intention to avoid talking about anything serious. Anything that might actually help you. You always do it, that is exactly why you talk to him only about nonsense and why, when you call him in the middle of the night (and when he always, always answers) you make him tell you a story. Leaving him to be the only one to talk as you doze off. Never leaving room for him to ask you what is wrong or what you dreamed of. Is how you got on until then, and maybe that is why it went so slowly, the whole "moving on" thing everyone was telling you about. But it was the thing that worked best for you, you figured. Not talking about the elephant in the room got you this far, you can go a little more like that.

"Well, I happen to know the perfect place for that," rising from his seat, he extends his hand towards you. "Shall we?"

You didn't know if it was the alcohol or the bar lights or simply just him. Honestly, you couldn't tell the difference between many things anymore, but as you looked at San talking, you felt more attracted to him than ever. The mole near his eyelid seemed more prominent now, and so did his muscular arms under the fitted shirt he wore, and oh, the freckles painting constellations on his neck. His eyes were sparkling brightly and his teeth were showing from time to time. You looked closely as he licked his lips after taking a sip of his beer. The way he was doing it seemed almost erotic. That one part of your brain that would feel bad for having these thoughts has died when you drank your fourth shot, but you were glad it did. You felt more comfortable now, and with San here, there was not a lot more that you would wish for. Not realistic wishes anyway.

"I need to know which side you stand on," he says angling his body towards yours. "Socks on or off during sleep?" San asks with a serious face, as if he asked if you enjoyed kicking puppies in the face or eating toddlers for dinner. You burst out laughing at the mix of the question and his expression.

"Off, I'm not a psychopath." you answer through your stilled laugh. He frowns.

"Oh no, you're definitely a psycho. Do your feet not get cold?" a bit of frustration could be heard in his voice.

"How would I know? I'm asleep the whole time." you sip from your drink. "Don't tell me you like pineapple on pizza as well..." you plead looking at him.

"And what if I do? It's a good combination! It's like mint chocolate, de-li-cious." San smiles proudly at his outrageous statements. Maybe he is not the person you thought he was. God, he told you so much and yet you still knew so little. That was one of the most intriguing things about him. That you felt like a lifetime wouldn't ever be enough for you to get to know him completely. Like everyday he would pick another thing to like, or something utterly new to do so he doesn't get bored. He always told you how he gets bored of things and people so fast. And yet there he was, still by your side. Maybe you were the mystery he didn't get to solve yet.

"Dude, not toothpaste too.." you cry out as you push his arm, but instead of pushing him, you push yourself. You almost lose your balance off the bar stool, but San's quick reflexes kick in and grab you by the arm, pulling you back in sitting position. He cackles as you try to maintain your balance.

"Maybe we should get you home." he says laying some bills on the bar. You hum in approval and get to your feet as you follow him out of the bar, which was indeed shitty. San is a man of his word.

The walk home was short and calm as you focused more on seeming sober than to what was happening around you. It already got dark as you two strolled past the abandoned streets laughing about things you unwillingly forgot as soon as you finished laughing. This moment, you thought to yourself, is the one that you would remember when a certain song plays. One that will give you the same sensations you feel in this moment. And far away from right now, when you know you will be better, when you listen to that certain song, you'll think wow, so much has changed. That moment could happen 10 days from now, or ten years. You don't know yet. But something about this uncertainty makes you relax somehow, knowing that you still have hope. And most of it is thanks to San. He may not be aware of all the things that he is helping you with, but you are. It's like a mental list that you never stop writing on. Could you ever repay him for any of it?

"Here we are," he says as he places his hand on your shoulder and you take a hold of his arm as he rattles on about not drinking anymore and going to sleep and whatever else he decided to nag you about. Your focus is only on his lips, and then his eyes, and his lips again, and his hand on your arm, and then feeling his arm flexing underneath your touch, and the feeling of being taken care of by someone. You realize you don't want this night to end quite yet.

"Do you wanna come in?" you interrupt, and observe his quick reaction of rapidly shutting his mouth and widening his eyes.

"I could use a live storytelling session right now." you add.

What where you asking for exactly? As you looked at him hesitate for a bit, you weren't sure that you knew either. But after a few seconds of looking around, he hums in approval as he nods and follows you inside your home. It's not as clean as you would wish but not as messy as to apologize for anything. You both take off your shoes and walk into the open space living room. Feeling San's presence close behind you, you turn and signal for him to sit down on the couch as you go to a little counter.

"I have vodka, whiskey and some cherry liquor," you turn your head back towards him. He was sitting on your couch now. But not how someone who entered their friend's apartment for the first time would be expected to sit, no. Because he didn't have that posture of "oh, I don't want to make myself comfortable because my presence here is out of place". No. He looked like he fucking owned the place. Like he payed the bills. Like he chose every single piece of decoration there was inside your home. And you weren't mad about it, if you were being honest. The everlasting confidence that was emanating out his every pore always looked good on him. His legs were spread apart, and you didn't forbid yourself to spend more than a few seconds scanning his thighs, thinking of numerous ways you could make use of them. Prominent Adam's apple marked his throat as his head was thrown back over the backrest. It seemed that he moved in slow motion, lazily pulling his head up and in your direction.

"Glass of whiskey would be nice." he answered through a half pout as his hands splayed even more on the higher edge of the couch. Obeying his orders, you unconsciously let his choice be the one you make as well, so you pour the liquid in two glasses. The strong scent hits you immediately, and you know you won't be able to drink it, the alcohol in your system will reject this on the spot if you dared adventure too far. But you decided back when you invited your friend into your house, tonight was the night you were going to test your limits.

You sit yourself on the couch, next to the man you hide your desire for not so well, closer than you usually would. And he seems to observe regarding the fact that he appears to be leaning a bit into you. Maybe it's in your head. He sips from the glass you hand him, licking his lips again, the gesture he did at the bar seems to be hitting you in a certain, already wet, spot in between your legs as it did a little time ago. He hums right after swallowing the drink, you follow with interest the way his Adam's apple moves up and down. Why is he being so unworldly attractive tonight? Is it really the alcohol or has the sexual tension finally built up enough for you to not be able to take it anymore. You feel an unexpected, but not unwelcomed, ache in your heart and stomach and definitely in your pussy. He places the glass down, with careful fingers, on the table before you and resumes his previous stance, except now one of his hands chooses to rest on the thigh closer to you. You admire it from respectable distance, one which you weren't sure you'd be able to maintain for too long. His hands were clean, nails kept short on his slender long fingers, and the rings adorning them only completed the way his veins were traveling down the back of his palm. Will there ever be a time where you could look at Choi San and not like what you see? Highly doubtful.

"That's some good shit," finally his face catches your attention, and happily so. He looks at you through his lashes, smirking with one corner of his beautiful mouth. You wondered how his lips might feel. On yours, on your neck, your chest, everywhere. "never took you for a whiskey person."

"I'm not," you say through a bittersweet smile and you realize that maybe you really, desperately need the alcohol right now, so you chug some of it down. "it's been laying around." you finish the sentence and then the glass of whiskey and you place it down the table, next to his. The contrast of the glasses, one empty and one half full, makes you amused in some kind of way. It let's you reminiscence of the many times that you heard from a certain someone, how you were always rushed in the most unfit situations. It was true.

As you look back to San, you feel like you are left with no choice than laying on your back and placing your head on his lap. So you do, maybe slower than you feel you move in your drunk-dazed mind. As you nuzzle the back of your head into his thighs, you close your eyes, for your vision was getting blurry and the room slowly spun around.

"You can begin anytime." you sigh out and feel him shifting a bit underneath you. He chuckles lowly and it takes him a few moments to adjust to the situation presented before him, it would be strange to you too. These were exactly the kind of things that you hesitated to do with San, because you partly knew his feelings for you, so you didn't want to give too much water to the well. Exactly the kind of intimacy that would leave room to hope for more, want more.

And not only from his side.

"I met this girl a while ago," he starts and softly places his hand on top of your head, massaging your scalp and slowly pulling at strands of your hair. "she's the whole package. Smart, funny, kind and so fucking hot." , safe to say you don't expect his last words to hit you like they do. A tad bit of jealousy makes its presence felt in the bottom of your heart, thinking that there might be a possibility that he doesn't refer to you. But the slow strokes his fingers offer your head make you feel too good to give it any importance.

"She's got this thing about her, I don't know how to even say it. It's like every time we talk, we knew each other since birth and like the first time we ever met, all at once. It's incredible, really." the way he talked was how you only heard people talk in movies. Hopeless romantic to the very end.

"Sounds like she's got you head over heels." you huff out slightly annoyed.

"Yeah, you'd be shocked," silence following his words, words that had a heartbroken nuance to them. He continues to massage your head and his touch feels so good, so comforting, so familiar. Like he did it every time he saw you, like he at least imagined doing it every time. "she really loves my stories." he adds after what seems to be like forever, and his hand stops, pulling itself out of your proximity. Your eyes shoot open and you find his gaze upon you. At the same time he looks sad, his eyes are also filled with anticipation, of what is to come, of how you would react to the fact that he just confirmed it was you he talked about. You sit up, trying not to let the slight dizziness in your head get the best of you and turn to him. Faces close to each other, studying him one last time before things change between you two. He wants it. And you clearly want it. Both of you so bad that it's not even a surprise how you meet halfway into a kiss. You thank the universe in your head, for it being this way. For you to not beat yourself up too much later that you initiated anything. So you let yourself sink into the feeling of him, his smell intoxicating. You know that it will be hard to not feel it in your lungs for a long time after this, and you were happy for it to be that way. Your lips are shy at first, not used to kissing anymore, not used to someone who hasn't kissed you before. But the feeling is more than pleasant. He takes his time, slowly nipping away at your bottom lip, swiftly pushing his tongue into your mouth. Your teeth clash and you both smile, licking into each other's mouths a bit more. His lips are soft and so warm, this feeling has long been forgotten by your mind. He pulls away and you gasp for air, he reaches to brush the hair out of your face and cups your face gently, looking into your eyes with a glimmer you were sure you haven't seen on him before. But you knew exactly what it meant.

"I don't want it if you don't." he says, assuring you once again that his actions will only be made for your comfort.

"I can't even tell you how bad I want it." your voice soft as it answers, and after receiving your words with wonder on his face, San downs the whiskey left in his glass, only to rush kissing you right after he gulps it down. If the first kiss was both of you navigating uncharted waters, now you were both desiring more. Hungrily devouring each other, whiskey tasted so much better on his tongue. You climbed into his lap as he pulled you closer to his chest. Serving as a reminder, you needed to get that shirt off of him. And as you helped him get rid of it, you weren't even surprised of how he looked even better than what you kept picturing all night. He returned the favor of undressing you of your shirt, and briefly cupped your breasts through your bra as he pulled you into another kiss. His hands quickly running to your waist, pulling you deeper into his lap, feeling him get hard underneath you, moment by moment. One of his palms traveled down to massage your butt cheek through your jeans, and the other quickly moved up to unhook your bra deftly with steady fingers.

"You must be popular with the ladies." you whisper close to his mouth and he chuckles.

"Not with the ones I want." he replies and you jokingly slap his bicep in response. He pulls the bra off throwing it somewhere nearby and admires your chest for a second too long before taking one of your nipples in his mouth. You throw your head back and whimper at the feeling of his tongue swirling around the sensitive part of your breasts. You tangle your fingers in his hair as you try to slowly ride his thigh, feeling the need to get rid of the tension in some kind of way. He let's your nipple out of his mouth with a lewd pop and laughs as he glues his hand to the back of your head, forcing you to look into his eyes.

"Darling if you want something you just need to ask," he brings his mouth over to your chest, planting sprinkled kisses along your collarbones. "my thigh? my fingers? my cock?" he asks in between suctions on the soft, sensitive skin of your neck. You were so sexually frustrated that you thought you were going to cry, and his words definitely didn't help. If something, they only made the tightness in your belly feel even tighter. "Which one will it be?" he asks finally as his eyes find yours again. You barely manage a pathetic whimper as he let's go of your head to unbutton your jeans. His hand slides slowly until it meets the band of your panties, but it doesn't go further, his eyes stopping on your face.

"Fuck, San, I want everything." you finally verbalize for him, your words laced with desperation for him to take things further. He closes his eyes and smiles in satisfaction when hearing your words, resuming the attack on your neck, biting down some marks here and there. His fingers finally get a hold of your clit and you shudder at the sensation. The circular motions he starts only make you moan his name quietly, through whimpers. It's been so long since you touched yourself like that, let alone somebody else. Masturbation was a thing you couldn't get back into since everything happened. Every time you tried, your mind only pictured Hongjoong, and it always ended with you crying without releasing in any kind of way. That was how you spent the last two years of your life, no wonder you were sexually frustrated. But now, the only thing on your mind was San, and how you could get him to make you cum faster. The position wasn't really a favorable one, he didn't have much access and so, his movements were limited and slow. San sinks his hand further down, teasing your hole with his middle finger, coating it in your arousal.

"You're so wet baby," he slowly pushes his finger into you, wandering into your inside, and your tightness. It did definitely feel like rain after a long drought. He pumped his finger inside you a few times, adding an extra one after a few seconds, stretching you in a way that has become unfamiliar but satisfying all the same. He fastened his pace and you unconsciously started to ride his fingers, chasing after your long awaited release. It wouldn't last too much, taking in consideration that you haven't orgasmed in so long. Your left hand was on San's nape, anchoring you to some sort of reality that he was indeed there, and the other one was on his chest. It wasn't much longer until your body conjured the estranged feeling in your tummy, you were close. San seemed to read your thoughts once again as his movements came to a halt, you offered a frustrated whimper in return. He lifted you up of his lap and placed you on your back next to him. He helped you get rid of your jeans and then your panties.

"I know you want to cum, but I want you to do it in my mouth." his face in between your thighs, breath fanning over your aching core. This time he didn't wait for a verbal response anymore, and you were glad he didn't. His warm tongue licked a long swipe starting from your hole to your clit, his mouth latched to it with sensual movements, sucking and licking at it, taking all the time in the world.

"Ho...ly fu-fuck," you gasped as you threw your head back into the cushion of the couch, arching your back under his ministrations.

His tongue was skilled, and so were his fingers when they slid inside you for the second time tonight. He curled them up, hitting your g-spot every time he pumped them in. Your body shuddered hardly at the sensation.

"Feel good?" he asked looking up at you, for the first time since he positioned you like this, you looked down at him. And what a sight for sore eyes, so lewd that if you looked at it for long enough you would cum without him needing to do anything to you anymore.

"So good," you reply and place one of your hands into his raven hair when he continues abusing your sensitive bud in the best way you could think of, he continues his movements with his tongue and his fingers, and it's only a matter of seconds until it builds up. You pull at his hair as he deepens his head in between the thighs that are now clenched around his head and it finally all becomes too much for you.

"Fuck....San....ahh," you cry out whilst shutting your eyes tightly, thing that makes you see stars in the back of your head.

You feel proud for satisfying his wish. San seems too feel so as well. You come undone on his fingers, and he pulls them out quickly to attend your releasing wetness with his inpatient tongue, you feel as if you could pass out from the soft stimulation. Such a long time since you've had an orgasm and this might have been the best way to have one.

"Fuck, you taste so good," he says as he slowly rises and takes his place above you, letting you have a taste yourself as he kisses you, swirling his wet muscle in every corner of your mouth, making sure none of it is getting left untouched by him. You sure do taste better on his tongue. Feeling his hard dick press on the inside of your thigh, in all its dizziness, your brain only wants more.

"Can we go to the bedroom?" you ask nicely, only to be met once more with San's surprised face. Like the thought that you still might want more never crossed his mind. He helps you up by the waist and lets you guide the way to the room. As you enter the it you quickly run to the bed, throwing yourself on it as you giggle like you're high, and you might as well be. High hormones had the same effect as weed for you. San only shakes his head with a smile on his face, while looking down and getting his belt off. Shit, this is really happening. Really finally happening. He slowly approaches the bed, ridding himself of his pants as he reaches the edge of it. Your friend pulls down his boxers as well, and you watch closely as his erect member is finally out of its entrapment, it springs up vividly, slapping against his torso. You're left in surprise at the sight of his girthy, definitely above average long, cock. You bite your lip involuntarily and he laughs to your reaction.

"You don't need to," you quickly blurt out as soon as you see him pulling a condom from his wallet. "I mean...I'm clean, if so are you then..." well it's safe to say you've became quite a desperate little thing during your two, deprived of sex, years. "then, we don't need to worry." you finish your sentence.

"You sure?" he asks for confirmation once again.

"Yeah, 'm sure." you respond and beckon him with your index finger. He muffles out a swear word you don't quite register as he drops the condom from his hold, quickly climbing on the bed. He crafts a better position above you, kissing you gently as he lines up his tip with your entrance. You whine in anticipation, lips still attached to his own, softer ones. He slowly pushes himself inside, taking lots of time to make sure your tightness grows comfortable around him. It hurts. Not only it is the first time with San, it felt like the first time altogether. At first, it seemed like your damn hymen grew back. Ironic, considering the amount of sex you used to have. You frowned as you whimpered softly into his mouth. He quickly broke the kiss, watching you with a slightly panicked look on his face.

"Hey, you all right?" he brushed the hair out of your face with his right hand, holding his weight on his left arm. You slowly started to get used to him, your whole body relaxing noticeably when seeing his face.

"Yeah, you can move." you stated with a voice glazed with desire. He did as asked, moving his hips in slow strokes, every time trying to deepen himself more inside you. He groaned each time his dick reached a new part of you.

"Fucking hell, how are you so fucking tight?" he lets out in a tone that almost seems annoyed with the state of your pussy.

"You...are the first...since then." you speak in between craving moans. He shudders at your words, stopping for a second, as he buries his forehead in the crook of your neck.

"Well, damn, princess. Should've let me stretch you out sooner." he whispers into your ear. And that is by far the most obscene thing that has left his lips tonight. He started moving again, this time picking a pace that had you crying out for his name. You couldn't think of much else when San was fucking you, his cock kindly brushing over a certain sweet spot every time it reached its depth. His dick and your pleasure occupied most of the place inside you and your mind, respectively. But at one point, you did try to recall how exactly you ended up right there. Somewhere along the way of finding the answer, you realized it didn't matter how, it mattered that it did. And the strokes that San was driving into you only made you thank the universe that it happened. Following after his release, he increased his speed. His voice was starting to get raspy after groaning and moaning, as did yours, both of your throats dry now.

"I...I think I'm gonna cum..." he whispered in your ear, and you immediately understood the question hiding behind his words. Your mind was in a state of debate for a few too many seconds. In or out? The only person that ever came in was him. In or out? But you wanted San to cum inside you so badly. In or out? That wouldn't be fair. In or out? But why wouldn't it be?

"Inside." you determinately say. His movements begin to grow messy, losing rhythm. He immerses into you deep, almost knocking you out with the way his cock is so richly stuffed inside you, and he let's out an angelic cry as he fills you up with white ropes of his hot seed. With his forehead glued to your shoulder, San pauses to catch his breath for a few seconds, before pulling his body up to get better vision of you. He cups your cheek and kisses you softly once again, pulling himself apart from you quicker than expected.

"You're so beautiful," he brushes his thumb over your lips. "I could look at you for all eternity." your heart thumps heavily when hearing his words. It made no sense for you how someone who looked like him, could tell you that you're beautiful. It seemed so far away from your reality, but still, you were thankful. At a loss for words, and only giving a shy smile in return, San mirrors it as he ascends and then throws himself in the empty space next to you. The only thing that is heard the next few minutes is both of your breaths as your chests heave. You nuzzle up into San's side, he embraces you with his arm as you grab him by the waist, laying your head on his chest. He kisses you on the crown of your head as he starts humming a melody that you don't think you've heard yet. Nonetheless, sleep gets a hold of your tired body and mind quickly, and you don't know if it's the alcohol that creates an illusion, or if it's just San's presence, but throughout your dreams you feel as if you are guarded by an angel.

Easily the best sleep you've had in a while. You are reminded of how easy it is to fall asleep on someone else's shoulder, just as you wake up.

*****

Before you met him you always thought you were better at spending time alone than you were at spending time with others. Now your thoughts had changed about the matter. It was like you were made only for being in Hongjoong's company, and when you were, you felt at peace. Like nothing could affect you ever again. The moments after sex were the ones you loved most, it almost felt like after your bodies were joint, your souls were getting combined as well, while laying on one another. He had his warm hand draped against your waist, playfully tracing circles on your soft skin, humming whatever song came to his mind. Your hand was on his bare chest and your head in the crook of his armpit. If you would be stuck in a time loop made only of this moment, you would never get sick of it.

The heat his body was emanating seemed to strangely warm you up from inside out, and the smell that was around the two of you was making your mind dizzy and your lungs crave for more. Feeling his chest rise as he inhaled and exhaled made you realize that your breaths were in sync, and hearing his heartbeat, you were sure they were too, in sync with yours. For you, loving Hongjoong was such a natural thing to do, like you two were extensions of each other and worked at full capacity only when together. His fingers slowly took a hold of your hand which he brought to his lips, he kissed it and then squeezed it tightly. You looked up into his eyes. His beautiful eyes sprinkled with love and adoration as he watched you.

"I think that every day I spend with you, I find a new meaning to love." he brushes your cheek gently and you stay silent, your mind in a stage of awe at how greatly he sums up the things you feel, without even talking to each other. You smile as you kiss him again and again and again.

"Then let's find a new meaning to love together for the rest of our lives," still standing close to his face, you see him smile and you do as well. You knew that even in the darkest of days, his smile would always lighten up your whole world. He pecks your lips again and suddenly tries to get up from the bed, the coldness you feel not only in your body, but your heart as well, wraps around your mind and you quickly grab his hand. He stops and kneels on the bed, looking at your uncovered body still on display for the flame that takes ahold in his enchanting eyes.

"We'll be late..." he says as he gets closer to you. That wouldn't be a problem, you think. The author should be allowed to be late to their own book release, right?

"Ten more minutes," you plead as you pull him towards you. He smirks and let's you take control of both his mind and body, as he lays on top of you, filling you up with the heat emanating from his body once again. After all, ten minutes wasn't that much, right?

*****

There it was. The selfishness that has made you lose him. The selfishness that brought you here with San. Everything was your fault. You lost so much of yourself the day you lost Hongjoong, but you were sure your last bit of humanity was completely lost the day you let Choi San believe that you could love him the same way he did. How could you be so reckless? You couldn't even blame the alcohol anymore, only your fucking stupidity. You used the only friend left that you cared about, as a rebound. And he doesn't even know. You looked up at the man who was holding you tight against his chest, as if not to lose you. He was still asleep. His natural unflawed beauty made your heart exclaim in agony as you traced his features with your gaze. As thoughts were overwhelming your mind, you placed your head in its initial position. Your eyes were starting to sting when tears started to form up.

You were the worst there was, weren't you? You killed your boyfriend and you deceived your friend into being your distraction, from all the pain and guilt, in more than one way. You didn't recognize yourself anymore, not after so much time of ignoring all your thoughts and suppressing all your feelings thinking it would get better. It didn't get better, the opposite actually, seeing where you stand right now. It was all because of you, and your selfishness, and it could've all be avoided if you didn't wish for fucking ten more minutes.

You started quivering and sobbing.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" San confusedly asks. This should be a sight to see as soon as you open your eyes. The girl you were balls deep in the night before, crying in front of you the morning after. Comforting you came natural to him, like he has been doing it for all his life. And you realized he did do it, not for all his life, sure, but since it happened. He has done his best to comfort you in every way he could. And he always succeeded. And this is how you repaid him. How could you be such a fucking asshole?

"San you need to...you have to leave...I'm sorry." you say through sniffles as it gets harder and harder for you to control the tears pouring down your face. You cannot look him in the eyes but you do get a peek at his grave look, how he looks down, unsure of what to do.

"Did I do something?" he quietly asks with a certain thread of fear in his voice, as if he was terrified of what his question might cause. You wish you could tell him that at the same time he didn't do anything, he also did too much. His kindness and love were too overwhelming for you in the state you were in.t. No matter how much he tried, his love couldn't repair you. You were the only one who could do that, but for what felt like the longest time, you didn't want to do it. Maybe it was time to try now.

"God, no..." you barely manage to blurt out. Speaking seems like the most tiring thing to do right now. "I just have to be alone right now." trying to stop your tears briefly, you look him in the eyes as he retracts his hands off of you. And you can't help but feeling it again, even if you know that it's not the case. Abandoned. Once again, and like the first time, it was all because of you. He got up from the bed, quickly dressing himself in the heavy silence that was surrounding both of you. You slowly hugged your knees to your chest, slightly burying your head in the space that you created. Maybe it wasn't for the best to be left alone but you were afraid of what might happen if you weren't. You saw San walk to your front door, put on his shoes and look at you for a last time. You looked up at him with teary eyes.

"Y/N, I..." love you. He didn't need to enunciate it, you could already see it on his face, how much it hurt him to leave you in this mess, all alone. Whatever you felt for him was so hard to decipher in the amalgam of things that were dwelling inside of you. And it was even harder to accept that you did have certain feelings for him, stronger that you would've liked. He sighed and slowly shook his head, looking down. You saw him leave and then you didn't see much anymore. As bitter tears that flooded your eyes slowly slid into your mouth. Painful screams were tumbling out of your chest giving you no chance to control them. As you get up off the bed you start grabbing whatever comes first and throwing it around. Cradled papers, books off of shelves, tiny decorations on your desk. You reach a framed photo of you and Hongjoong and stop for a second to look at it. Back at the beginning of your relationship when you went to a museum. It started snowing so much that his black coat turned white. You still remembered the cold weather of that period but the warmth of his smile was burning still, even through the damn picture. A few of your tears stained the glass of the photo and after you whimpered in the discomfort you felt around your heart, like someone was squeezing it in their fist, you threw it on the wall across from you. Did you really have to destroy everything nice in your life? As soon as it shattered to pieces you rushed towards it, as if you were not expecting the completely obvious to happen.

"No, no, no..." you whisper to yourself in disbelief. You slowly pick the broken glass in your shaking hands as your crying only gets louder, rivers of tears flowing down your face when your eyes can't seem to look anywhere else but at the old photo.

"I miss you so fucking much..." you whimper in pain, like a dog being beaten.

It's pure torture, you realize, what you're doing to yourself. It takes a lot for your now bloody palms to make contact with your face and wipe your tears, only leaving more of a mess behind. The flesh, now torn from picking up the thin pieces of broken glass, stings when your salty tears slide over the bloody trails and as you rise up with wobbly legs to throw it in the trash, you find yourself looking out the same window you stood with your lover on his last day beside you. Your tears suddenly came to a halt as you looked at the city lights near and far away; your breathing steadied and you remembered.

I want a balcony.

How were you supposed to move on, when you haven't even moved out?

You never felt so nervous for anything in your life before. The microphone was waiting for you on the warmly illuminated stage. You took shy steps towards it as the people started to applaud loudly, you were sure you heard someone whistle from the crowd. As you got in front of the microphone stand you placed one hand on it, dragging it closer. You were not sure how to do this. It should've been your second time, but due to the incidents back then, it was the first time in your life you had to speak at your own book release. Or even attend it. You inhaled deeply and looked through the crowd once more. Your eyes met Seonghwa's as he slightly raised the glass of champagne towards you. The pity he laid upon you with the help of his gaze a while back had turned into pride. You couldn't help but remember the surprise on his face when you went not to his office, but his house, at two in the morning, when you finally finished writing.

You spent the night together, he began reading and you fell in and out of sleep on his couch. When you woke up, he made breakfast for you and he told you how great it was, with the little eternal side notes from his side. He was proud.

"I have no idea what I should say," you offer a strong beginning, everyone starting to chuckle at your awkward comment. "I've been through hell and back writing this book. Two years and a half ago I lost the love of my life in a car accident, and for a long time I thought I lost everything." the room became suddenly tense as you spoke the words.

"But this should be a reminder that some doors aren't closed. We just think that they are." you finish off raising your glass and looking at a familiar pair of eyes. Everyone cheers as you get off the stage, and after receiving compliments from your boss, your team and other people as well, you follow the suited silhouette that you've been secretly chasing with your stare all night, outside.

"Hey," you greet as you find San on a bench right next to the venue. His eyes meet yours and for a brief second it's like all the nerves you had on stage came back, but they were doubled this time. It was hard going through everything without San. He tried to contact you, of course, but you weren't giving him much and the only times you saw him were when you ran into each other at work. When you looked at yourself in the mirror you couldn't recognize yourself anymore, but he? He was just the same. Dressed for the occasion, his black hair swiped back neatly and his face...as gorgeous as ever, and the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

"Hey," he greets back as he drags his body on one side of the bench, signaling for you to join him. You sit beside him and look forward, feeling his eyes on your figure. "how have you been?" he asks, his voice glazed in worry. You made him suffer for the last time, you tell yourself. The whole ghosting thing and all the times you avoided him, those summed up the last time you were going to ever hurt him. For now you were working towards slowly healing the wound that has scarred you, which gave you more clarity about a lot of things.

"Better." you answer, looking in his direction. "I finally got it out!" you add smiling, a bittersweet smile that you held inside for a long time, it was for him only.

"I told you." San mimics your smile and looks into the distance.

"You did," moments of silence accompany as you think of the best way to embody your thoughts into words. "I never got to apologize." you start and his head shoots right at you. "I'm sorry. For using you to try and fuck my pain away." finally saying it aloud to him and getting it off your chest make your lungs finally not burn up when you try to inhale.

"I should apologize too," he begins and it's your turn to look at him with confusion.

"A part of me was aware that you were trying to do that and yet I wasn't able to stop myself." he adds. And it's like some part of you already knew, and already forgave him for it and that was because you knew you had way more blame than him, but you learned to come to terms with it, like you did with many things in your life. Learning to forgive yourself wasn't an easy process, but with the help of a good therapist, you slowly learned how to do it. You were at peace with a few of the things that kept you awake during the night. Slowly getting better.

"I'm sorry." he says and you're sure that more honest words had never left his mouth.

You take his hand into yours and place it on your lap. For the first time since you know him, his hands are cold. You use your other palm as a blanket and cover his hand from the cold winter breeze outside. He nurtured for you enough, it was finally time that you were ready to return the favor.

"I read the book," he says, looking at your hands holding each other.

"Lots of them are inspired from your stories," you refer to the poems, thinking of how many more were written with your mind only thinking about him that didn't even make the cut into the book. "and lots of them are inspired from you." You look into his eyes as he squeezes your hand gently. Maybe you didn't yet know what you wanted. But you knew what you didn't want. And you didn't want to lose San. Not again. Not ever.

"Can I take you out on Thursday?" he asks as his gaze stills down on your warm face. If he asked you this on a bad day, you still weren't sure what your answer would be, but today was a good day. You never got to say goodbye to Hongjoong, but that didn't mean you couldn't say hello to anyone ever again. "You know, in case you need more inspiration for your next masterpiece." he adds and you laugh shortly while nodding quickly. You spend a few more minutes in silence, enduring the cold air, silently revealing to each other the most vulnerable parts of you. You look down at your joined hands and then into his eyes. You smile, partly because you do feel happy, and the rest because you know he'll do the same, and hell, you fucking missed that dimpled smile of his.

The man doesn't say anything when you lean your head on his shoulder, but you are almost sure you can hear his heart beating faster. "I missed you so much." you finally say, letting your feelings pour out in front of San for the first time, leaving you vulnerable in a way no one has seen you since then.

And for the first time, while looking at the bright clear sky above you, you think for yourself that...He would be so proud.

#ateez smut #ateez fanfiction #ateez fanfic #ateez san #choi san #san smut #choi san fanfic #choi san smut #hongjoong fanfic #kpopsmut #xenizaation

[nicromancytarot]

HOW I GOT STARTED IN TAROT AND MY TIPS FOR ANY OF YOU WHO ARE NEW TO IT!!!

I love to offer advice if you can’t already tell, and I also love tarot, so let’s talk about things that I have learnt from my journey as a tarot reader.

My journey

I started tarot at 14 years old while living with a family member who was shut off to the idea of spirituality, as it had hindered the life of my own mother, and caused her mental health issues in the past.

I decided to go against their requests and start practicing in secret, I didn’t have my own income so I wasn’t able to buy my own deck, instead I decided to make one. (Tarot is a tool, you don’t need “actual” tarot cards to be able to read.)

I used old train tickets that I had since I would take a couple of trains 5 days a week, which would give me 1, if not 2 tickets per day.

I was mainly focused on love, so I created little tarot cards with small details about love on them, and I would use these on my friends just for a bit of fun.

Eventually these got taken away from me, so just after my 16th birthday, after not doing tarot for around 3 months at that time, I decided to buy my first tarot deck as I was now living back with my mother, and although she was sceptical about the idea, she allowed me to have my first deck and supported my journey as I dove deeper into divination.

I practiced every so often, one time I had a crush on this guy and I wanted to know how he felt about me, every spread I got for him would give me the 4 of cups… yeah, I used to think that meant he was just a little demotivated, until I realised like a year later that it meant he was absolutely not interested in me, lmao!

But this is good, learning always comes with mistakes, so do not let that discourage you.

My decks

- the Rider-Waite tarot (my main deck)

- Spirit song tarot (my favourite deck)

- (I had a purple one that I spiritually didn’t need, so it went missing and never returned like a week after I got it)

- Ethereal visions tarot

- The nightmare before christmas tarot

- Angels of abundance oracle

- Casanova tarot (for 18+)

I also use little pieces of paper that I wrote 18+ stuff on, which I now use for any explicit readings to highlight the things someone would do to my collective sexually!

Having multiple decks

I personally love having this many decks, and I 100% will be getting more, as soon as I’ve finished learning the meanings of some of the casanova tarot!

Tarot is a tool, sometimes I read explicit stuff off my main deck, and I still get very accurate messages using that, you do not need to splash out on extra decks to try and read one specific theme.

I enjoy having multiple decks as they’re all just so beautiful, and I feel blessed to be able to have them.

Having one of my decks fall off the face of the earth a year and a half ago, proved to me that I needed to really make sure that I wanted a deck and felt connected to it before buying. This deck itself was 1 actually instinctively didn’t want to buy, but went back to get for other reasons.

So don’t impulsively buy, if it’s meant for you, you’ll know.

How I do my readings

If I decide that I need to cleanse my own energy, I will do a 15-30 minute meditation, but I normally only feel called to do so when I’m doing a really intense reading that I feel I need to protect my energy from.

I start off with a simple affirmation, welcome my spirits to help guide me through the session.

“I am calling upon my ancestors and spirit guides to make sure I am protected during this reading, and that I get the most accurate and concise messages.”

Then I knock on the deck twice before doing 1 shuffle thrice, knocking twice and doing the final shuffle thrice, knocking twice.

That is my own personal way of cleansing my deck after other energies have been channelled through it. I let my decks rest with some crystals every night, and they see the moon when it’s full for an extra cleanse.

I personally find the knocking to be very simple and cleansing for my cards, and it has proved well.

After I’m done cleaning, I ask my spirits the question out loud, and then I knock twice before shuffling to get the spread.

I only take 1-2 cards at a time, if there’s more, I put them back and start shuffling again.

If no cards fall after a while, I do a final shuffle and pull from the top.

The spread varies for every reading, normally I pull around 15 cards from my main deck, and then I pull an animal from the Spirit song tarot deck, and sometimes around 12 from another deck if there’s anymore questions needing to be answered.

When reading for other people, I personally only pull upright, unless we’re doing yes or no questions (which I do upright for yes and reverse for no), I’m not a fan for reverses, although I’ve started off with them, I just find it easier to do only uprights.

I pull reverses for educational purposes when I do my own readings, that way I can make sure I learn them more than I already do, and so I can get quicker with identifying them.

As of the beginning of April 2024 I started a new spread, this is my new favourite one for mainly advice readings or something to do with the future.

I like to grab 16 cards, you can take 15, but 16 is my personal number, then I line all the cards up into 3 groups, until I pin the negative cards, this is just something I do instinctively (doesn’t have to be death, tower etc, it could literally be the 2 of cups which seems negative in the reading), on the left I set up the negative ones, and then I add a present feeling or reaction card to do with these negative things, then between the negative and feelings, I put a card to describe why the person feels like that. Then for the rest I basically branch down like the roots of a tree, it’s very sporadic and random, but it creates a story, whichever card is next to another relates to the situation, thoughts and feelings of those cards, then when you get to the right bottom side, you end up with the future energy.

LEFT —> past MIDDLE —> present RIGHT —> future

Random things that I believe in

- The star and the 4 of cups are connected, the 4 of cups represents being fussy and ungrateful, and in the the Rider-Waite tarot, the illustrations are all connected, the star happens in front of the tree which is where the 4 of cups is set, so I like to think that the star is letting go of fussiness and allowing yourself to be free.

- Death and moon are connected, death tends to talk about something you need to let go of, and you already intuitively know about it. This is since death happens in front of the moon.

- The temperance happens in front of the tower, so when you pull the temperance, it means to make a decision before the universe makes it for you, bringing you a tower moment. A good example for this is pulling it in a “how does he feel about me” reading, if you get the tower during this, I would say he feels like you’re his last option, like a plan B if his A falls through. (People hate when I tell them that.)

- The queen of cups represents stability, this is since in the the Rider-Waite tarot, she’s chilling on her throne on a small island, meanwhile the king of cups is floating in the water, showing to me that he’s just going with the flow (weirdly, when I see the king of cups, I associate him with Aquarius energy.)

- The empress is all about loud and proud energy, she’s totally the one to boast about her achievements and what she’s working on, knowing that she will succeed. The emperor is the opposite, he works in silence, he only tells everyone about his newest achievements after he’s sure about them, he likes for people to be in surprise over his success.

- If I pull some cards to check energy for the reading, and the emperor upright, or the empress in reverse comes out, probably means the person I’m reading for isn’t ready to hear this message. This is because the emperor is physical (3D) realm energy, meanwhile the empress is spiritual (4D) energy, this is because spirituality is feminine energy, if you take part in spirituality, you are tapping into your devine feminine.

- The knight of wands represents exes. The night is going to the left (the past), the wand represents fire, fiery passion/fiery ending.

Does this mean my spread may be explained differently if the illustrations are different?

In short, yes. I love symbolism with my whole heart, so when I can make something symbolic out of the illustrations on the deck to describe a reading, I absolutely will.

What does channelling and visualising look like for me?

On a good day, I’ll hear another voice that sound identical to my little internal narrator inside my head, this can be identified as my spirit guides. They will use this to tell me things I need to know, but clairvoyance isn’t really my strongest, so normally I just hear the word “catapult” over and over again, since my main spirit guide seems to love that word.

I honestly channel the most through writing, it’s like I gain so much more information when I start writing down readings, whether it’s in my notes, on tumblr, or in a notepad.

Visualising is interesting, again back with the symbolism, it comes to me in a little story for me to unfold and find a moral of, it’s very time consuming, and I often get confused and think I’m insane, so I’ll pull some cards on it just to be sure I have the story right.

Important notes

- communicate to your spirit guides, I like to tell them exactly how the reading is going to go, just so they understand the format and what, I am looking for.

- Don’t do readings when you don’t feel like you should, if you’re mentally not doing ok, don’t feel bad if you need to step back and away from it, forcing yourself will just give you confusing readings.

- Your spirits hide answers from you, one time I asked my spirit guides how life works, and they refused to tell me (and then had a silly moment and told me like 3 months later for whatever reason.)

- This is not future telling, I cannot tell you what your future will be like, but I can tell you what it might be like if you make certain decisions.

- Don’t use tarot to intrude on someone’s personal life, like no sex readings on your ex for the love of God.

- If a reading doesn’t resonate with you, remember what it said and then come back to it to see if it does now, an example of this was when someone gave me a past life reading that didn’t match up until I reversed it and realised that I was the second person in the reading, rather than the main.

- Have fun with readings, it shouldn’t feel like a chore.

- Allow yourself to make mistakes, that’s the only way you will improve.

- Be patient, don’t think you will know everything about tarot after like 1 week of learning it.

- There’s always more to learn when it comes to tarot, you will never have enough knowledge.

- You can buy yourself decks, even your first one. You don’t need to have another person buy it for you.

I hope you enjoyed this! It took me an hour to write up lmao, but I had fun.

#pick a card #tarot #tarot reading #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #free tarot #tarot witch #daily tarot #pick a pile #tarot cards

[houseoflibra]

Saint Seiya: Dark Wing Chapter 30: Scorpio's Lethal Strategy

Page 1

Sanctuary, House of Aquarius

Tristan: - I thought I just heard something?...

Tristan's study

Page 2

Aquarius Gold Saint, Tristan

Page 3

Tristan: - (Did I imagine it...?)

ERROR

Page 4

Tristan: - (There is no way there's a mistake in the program I wrote...) - (Which means...) - The more I think about it, the more obvious it gets... - The war this time is distorted...

???: - Hey, little Tristan!

Tristan: - Ugh...

Page 5

Crematorio: - Yo!

Cancer Gold Saint, Crematorio

Tristan: - Ahh... - What is it, Crematorio? - I'm busy.

Crematorio: - Oh, that's okay!

Page 6

Crematorio: - What'cha up to? - I thought you might be getting lonely by now.

Tristan: - Huh? - Me? Lonely? - What are you talking about?... - (Sigh...)

Crematorio: - Well, since your darling Eulalia and your rival for her affections Vassilios have gone together to Japan, ya know?

Tristan: - What?!

Page 7

Crematorio: - You three have known each other since you were kids, haven't you? - And yet they left you behind this time, huh? - I wonder if right about now Vassilios is doing something clever to help Eulalia out of a rough spot. - She might be so grateful that she'll fall in love before you know it...

Page 8

Crematorio: - You know how it goes, right? People are dangerous...

Tristan: - If you mean the suspension bridge effect, I know all about it. - Did you come all the way to the House of Aquarius to talk about such silly things? - You must not have anything better to do, huh? - How about using your time for productive things instead? - You don't have as long left to live as me, - old man.

Page 9

Crematorio: - Ah, Tristan... - As hard as ever, huh? - But for real... - This time, she might come across the Celestial Noble Star Gryphon, one of the Three Judges of the Underworld. - Aren't you worried?

Tristan: - (Sigh...) - Eulalia won't have any trouble.

Crematorio: - Huh?

Page 10

Tristan: - We talked many times about how to counter Gryphon... - Even if she does gets trapped... - ...genius that I am, I've provided her with a strategy. - (Hmph!)

Crematorio: - Ohh...

Eulalia: - Aaahhh!!

Page 11

Minos: - Ah! - Finally, after the 100th one, I get a scream of pain out of you!

Page 12

Minos: - (Heh heh heh...) - I knew it would be lovely!... What a heavenly scream!

Eulalia: - So you fell for it, did you, - Celestial Noble Star, Gryphon?!

Minos: - What?

Eulalia: - Instead of breaking all my bones...

Page 13

Eulalia: - ...you should have ripped off my nails first.

Minos: - What are you saying?... - Your nails? Hahahah! - Why do that... - ...when I can just break your fingers?!

Eulalia: - (Now!!)

Pages 14 + 15

Eulalia: - Scarlet Needle...

Page 16 + 17

Eulalia: - ...Antares Kiiiick!!!

Page 18

Minos: - Aaaahh!

Page 19

Page 20

Eulalia: - (Ahh...) - (Ah...) - (I did it,) - (Tristan!...)

Page 21

Tristan: - Listen. If you're up against Gryphon, the first move is crucial. - It's best to defeat them before they trap you. - To do so, use the Scarlet Needle without holding back and aim for a lethal blow. - You'll be in trouble if you get caught in their threads. - But if you do...

Eulalia: - ...Tristan?

Page 22

Tristan: - I'd rather not think about it, but in the unlikely event that you get trapped... - ...make use of the fight up until that point.

Eulalia: - Hm? How do you mean?

Tristan: - Unleash the Scarlet Needle at full force from the very start. That way, even if you don't strike a fatal blow... they'll likely keep it in mind... - ...the pattern of your technique. - That impression will create a gap that you can exploit. - In other words...

Page 23

Eulalia: - Heh heh... Tristan, that went better than I expected. - It wasn't part of the plan to get caught, - but when I mentioned my nails, he was presented with these beautiful fingers that I flaunted so thoroughly. - It was only natural he thought of them. - This was Scorpio's lethal strategy. - (Heheh!)

Page 24

Eulalia: - Let them cut flesh and break bone! - I'll pull out all the stops!!

Tristan: - Achoo!

Crematorio: - Hey, get well soon...

Page 25

Lucas/Minos: - Uh... uhh...

Page 26

To be continued...

#saint seiya #dark wing #saint seiya dark wing #scripts

[wellthebardsdead]

Clockwork heart pt6

Part 5 here

———

Wyrm: *dragging his feet up the stairs and into the arcanum, the lessons of Vivec now safely back in his possession and Ancanos questions answered for today* I’m back…

Urag: *looks up from his desk* I?! Where have you been?! Have you been collecting that book this whole time?

Wyrm: *worried he might get in trouble and have to give the gauntlets back if he tells the truth* I-u-um I sat in the dorms and read it while Ogmund and J’zargo practiced their homework.

Urag: *sighs with mild annoyance, believing him knowing his relationship with the students around his mental and emotional age group* You know I don’t like you hanging around that Khajiit. He’s one step away from burning this whole place to the ground. And that Onmund never returns his books on time!

Wyrm: *relieved his fib was convincing enough* b-but they’re my friends papa… *sheepishly walks over and signs the return and borrow paperwork*

Urag: I know son, it’s rare you get any friends you fit with coming through these doors just… I don’t want them getting you into trouble. Or hurt. You know you’re dangerous when even Faralda is too afraid to teach you.

Wyrm: *giggles* her eyebrows only just grew back in didnt they. Well at least J’Zargo isn’t as bad as those mages down in the midden who nearly levelled the tunnels entirely with that ritual they were attempting.

Urag: and you’ll be smart not to speak of that to anybody while that ancano is around.

Wyrm: Yes papa. And to never go into the midden. Or to go into the village after dark. Or to run across the bridge in case I slip and fall. Or to-

Urag: *taps him on the head with a roll of paper gently making the dunmer giggle and scurry by* Cheeky.

Wyrm: *giggling as he walks to his door* I’ll keep it secret papa, I promise.

Urag: *shakes his head chuckling* I’ll bring dinner in shortly pup. Go have a bath before you throw yourself into your projects again alright?

Wyrm: *groans rolling his eye dramatically just wanting to finally read his book* yeeees papa. *walks into his room, closing the door with a smile hearing Urag laugh at his playful mood… so happy to hear his father laugh… and feeling terrible for lying* … *sighs and sets the book down before stripping off his robe and removing his arm, sitting it by the book as he kicks off the rest of his clothes making his way to the small washroom ensuite*

“Why did he ask me so many strange questions? Can’t everybody make a spectral version of themselves? Why did he care about my childhood so much?… does he really think I’m that pretty?… have I been too mean to him?…”

Wyrm: *sighs thinking to himself as he sinks into the tub of hot water, remembering the conversation and how it seemed to go on for forever, and how distracted he was by the thalmor agents hands all over him* …is… is this what love feels like?…………… I don’t… think I like it…

*a few hours later*

Wyrm: *finally ate a full meal after missing breakfast and only getting a few bites out of his lunch, now sitting on his bed reading and scribing notes from his childhood book with amazement as it finally reveals its secrets to him* “If you find yourself reading this story, know that I am sorry. For I have failed in my ultimate task and I now burden it to you. I know not what name you will take, what face you will bare, or what race you will be born of, but you will be born of my hands as a fragment of me. You may walk your own path in life if you so choose, but I ask now for you to read this if you can, my plea to you. To me… Don’t let our mistakes be in vain… Follow the doom drum… put him back together… complete my work… come find me. You. Us… Sotha Sil” *Sits back in surprise and reads it again* Sotha Sil… wrote this?…

“I wrote this.”

Wyrm: *blinks and shakes his head* malacaths mercy I’m tired, what time is it? *yawns looking at the clock he’d built on his bedside table to see 2am staring back at him as the hands tick slowly* …Aw biscuits I did it again… *sighs and looks back at his book, Pearl eyeball nearly popping out of his head in shock to see the page now completely blank, and the notes he’d written in his note pad utterly illegible* what?! No no no no!! That’s not fair!! *flips through his notes frantically to see the same scribbles all through his book except the now blank page* What about the poisoned robes being a lie?! The foul murder! Something about a waterfall and stars?! *flips through all his notes before dropping the pad and frantically putting on the gauntlets again* no no come on come back! Come back please! *grabs the book and notes getting no reaction* take me back to the vision! Anything plea- *face going pale seeing the notes he’d written literally disappear turning the notepad into a blank page, as if the knowledge could never be shared ever again* … n-no *tears up and chokes out a pained sob dropping back into the large pillows of his bed as he just breaks into a full meltdown* wh-what did I do wrong? I- is it because I lied to papa?…

*a few hours later*

???: s-…seht… why?…

Wyrm: *blinks open his eyes and screams seeing a handsome mers face inches from his own, beautiful golden skin now red and bleeding as another golden skinned mer guides his hand with a blade, slicing off their face* I- I’m sorry! I’m sorry! *blinks realising it’s a dream and he’s seeing through the eyes of somebody else*

???: Ayem! His feet! Cut off his feet!

Wyrm: *looks to his side to see the two masked figures from his vision, now realising them to be Vivec and Almalexia, and himself seeing through the eyes of sotha sil* No don’t! Please we can stop this! It’s not too la- *looks down at the handsome mer beneath him as he screams in agony as his feet are severed*

???: *screaming and writhing in pain looking up at him with pleading eyes* s-seht- m-my friend- p-please

Wyrm: *wanting to look away but unable to, forced to watch the scene before him as the knife slices through the flesh of his face, and Vivec’s hands grasp sotha sils, forcing him to peel the mers face from his flesh* please forgive me nerevar!!

Nerevar: *screaming in agony as he stares up at him in horror* PLEASE NO-

Wyrm: *suddenly shoots up in his bed, tears pouring down his cheek from his one eye as he fumbles across the covers. Just sobbing as he pulls the gauntlets from his hands, throwing his books to the side as he falls from his bed and onto the floor before running out of his room and to Urags* p-papa! Papa! *sobs opening the door and running inside climbing into his bed*

Urag: *jolts awake to find his son crawling into bed with him like he used to when he was very little* pup?

Wyrm: *incoherent through his sobs as he clings to him* I don’t want to know what’s in my book anymore! I don’t want to! I watched sotha sil skin nerevar alive! I watched vivec stab him! I saw Almalexia cut off his feet! It felt so real! It felt real!

Urag: shhhh… *gently hugs him close tucking him under the blanket* it was just a nightmare pup… it wasn’t real… *furrows his brow deciding it’s best to not press him for details while he’s like this but knowing this isn’t normal even for him* it can’t hurt you son… *gently strokes his face before removing his sons Pearl eye and his mechanical arm, placing both on his nightstand so Wyrm can sleep comfortably beside him, safe and sound*

Wyrm: *let’s his father remove them before resuming nuzzling into him for safety as if he were still a child* he kept begging me to stop, he kept calling me Seht, he spoke to me like I was sotha sil, like I was him, I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t!

Urag: *heart breaking seeing his son so distressed, wondering what could have possibly triggered this* shhh Wyrm, it’s okay son, it’s alright… *pats his hair and hugs him close, not knowing how to help the situation beyond just being present* nothing can hurt you while I’m here…

*Meanwhile*

Ancano: *quietly enters the Arcanum, unable to sleep and deciding to make it Wyrms problem… only to see his bedroom door wide open* hm?… *walks to it and peers in to see his bed a mess, and covered in notes and several books, with no little Pearl in sight* ……… *walks in and inspects the room quietly before looking at the blank notepad, then at the books* why was he so desperate to read this drivel? *picks up the 36 lessons of vivec before tossing it to the side and picking up Wyrms book* hm?… *opens it only to see what everyone else did, utterly intangible notes and writings in a language nobody can understand. And several blank pages at the front of the book* … *slides it into his robe and walks out quietly as if he was never there*

#ancano skyrim #Wyrm dragonborn #sotha sil #urag gro shub

[esperosisdoeswriting]

Heyo I’m alive lol

Heyo, sorry for the prolonged absence, I am, in fact, alive. Been busy, but have also been writing, mostly fanfiction (yes my writing career has gone full circle and I’m writing fanfiction again). Reason I haven’t been posting lately is mostly just cause I’ve been, again, busy, and because I’ve just gotten very mentally tired of the precevied void-screaming that is posting prompts on Tumblr.

I’ll be back here eventually, but there are likely going to be a lot of big changes when I do. However, if you still enjoy my writing I have some updates and places you can read what I’ve been working on.

1. Nobody’s Fool is complete, Huzzah! currently looking into publishing companies and the merits of self-publishing. If anyone has any advice on that they want to share, let me know!

2. If you enjoy Mob Psycho 100 and my writing, perhaps you will enjoy the short 5 chapter fic I wrote called “A Costly Mistake” [Takes place somewhere in season 2, so spoliers for Season 1 and approximately the first half of season 2]

3. If you instead enjoy The Magnus Archives and my writing, perhaps you will enjoy the ongoing fic I am currently writing called “Right by Them” [TAKES PLACE AFTER THE END OF THE SERIES SO... MASSIVE SPOILERS]

That’s all I’ve got so far, I hope everyone is doing well.

#not a prompt #Esper speaks #fanfic #not writing #anouncement #mp100 #magnus archives #writblr

[dayseternal-blog]

Fic Author Self Rec! When you get this reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, or some snippets from upcoming WIPS. Let’s spread the self-love! Love ya and thank you for all you do!! 💖

:D my 5 favorite fics that I've written?? okay.

"It's No Secret" - Hinata returns to Konoha after 5 years studying abroad in the Moon Kingdom. She just wants to enjoy her last year of high school as a normal girl, but blossoming love forces her to confront her future. (Rated M). - My baby fish. A high school AU for which I was really trying all different kinds of things and making all kinds of mistakes, finding my writing style. As a fanfic writer newbie, I felt so free to do whatever I wanted! Every scene for me was gripping, and I was so immersed in the world I was trying to create. It has an original, lengthy plot that I still hope to finish one day!!! I love this fic just because it was so instrumental to helping me improve. It's definitely NOT my best work, but from the first chapter to the most recently published chapter, my growth in writing is so apparent. All of the comments I got on it, even the ones that criticized, were encouraging for me and I cherish those readers who've followed my fics since then 💞

"Nightdreams" - Naruto and Hinata find comfort in each other after the war. (Rated E). - The easiest multi-chapter fic to write. Ever. Since then, I've never had quite as much fun writing a fic (I think Catskin came close). Certainly never as easy a time. "Nightdreams" had its moments of growth for me for sure, though, like the mission chapter, the argument chapter, all of the smut! It had its challenges, but the story flowed so easily, from beginning to end. I think there were only a couple of small writer's blocks. Overall, "Nightdreams" easily takes fave #2 just because it was so fun, and I think readers can tell that I really enjoyed writing it.

"Awkward Jocks" - She knows that if he were to ever ask her out, she would accept in a heartbeat. After all, he's the star quarterback and basketball player. Plus, she's liked him since...forever. But when her home phone rings, and he's on the other line, she hangs up. (Rated G). - The sweet and funny love story based off of my ex-coworker's life...bittersweet now, don't remember if I shared on Tumblr why. But I wrote this fic full of my love for her, so it takes the spot for fave #3.

"About You" - A summer job at the Dole pineapple cannery, graveyard shift 10 PM to 6 AM. A long bus ride into and out of town. Two teens, shy beside each other. (Rated G). - One of my most personal fanfics, though many of them are super personal. This is possibly the MOST personal because it's slightly based off of my parents' stories, I set it on my home island, and I experimented with writing the dialogue in pidgin. The only reason it's not higher on my list is because I somehow feel like I didn't do as good a job on it as I would have liked. It's like, the cultural/historical details are not accurate enough for me. But this is definitely a fic I wrote for myself, and it's been a joy to see other people love it, too.

"Matcha" from "Shared Vows" - Naruto calls Hiashi "father" for the first time. (Rated T). - ooooh it was a toss-up between this one or "Finally Home" from "Shared Vows," but I decided on "Matcha" as my fave #5. I love how I framed this fic, its ending reversing the beginning, and I somehow managed to communicate exactly what I wanted to say about Naruto's new family. This fic gives me such feel-good vibes, and I'm so glad it captured the feelings I felt.

I know that my personal faves do not align with readers' personal faves. Except for maybe "Nightdreams" haha. That one is easy to love. I know people loved "White Lilies," "Friend of Mine," "Tell Me of Forevers," and "Undercover," ...those exhibit some of my best technical writing, so I'm glad readers recognized that effort! My personal faves have more sentimental value, I guess, so that's what makes them special to me.

#anon #nice anon #nice ask #ask game #fic author self rec #naruhina fanfic recs #because why not #about my writing

[amourcheol]

i have a few things to say and first of all i’d like to say how dare you? genuinely, how dare you? you are absolutely insane

the way i went through an entire rollercoaster of emotions that went from pure despise to shedding actual real salty tears is sickening, i want to yell at you fr

to repeat myself: how dare you? how dare you write such a fic that left me in shambles, on my knees, crying in a walmart parking lot, going through as many divorces as txt did for lovesong, bawling my eyes out, throwing myself against a wall and did i mention i cried?

jesus christ dear god goodness gracious holy mother mary i am NOT okay, it is 5am and i need to work tomorrow (more like getting up in 1 hour to leave for work) and i just could NOT stop reading your cheol work, i HAD to know how it ends, i could physically not handle not knowing how it plays out

first of all id like to say that the way you write is pure poetry, the words and descriptions you use are so rich in detail (like the paintings hehe) and gave your fic so so so soooo much life and depth, your writing style is just so mwah mwah 5 star michelin level, i can not stress enough how incredibly good your writing is

and the plot???? i saw 41k words and was legit like 👁️👄👁️->🫥->🤨-> 🥶 because i have the brain capacity of a fly that just flew against a window at full speed but OH GOD reading it was SO worth it and let me tell you, the plot was so good ???? like never did i ever even think about skipping a paragraph ahead

also, the way you wrote the characters is so good i don’t know if i want to throw something at you or smooch your brain, you really said enemies to lovers and not:

person a: “i don’t like you.”

person b: “fine i hate you too”

person a : “shall we still kiss?”

person b: “okay”

you legit said you’re whipping out a steven spielberg quentin tarantino oscar worthy plot i’d pay for to see in a movie because DAMN the characters (especially cheol lmao) were so well written and had SO much depth to them

next up, the scenes, THE SCENES

i hope you know you took my heart, shredded it, let birds pick it apart, threw it into the smoothie mixer and blended it, cut it with a chainsaw and then made it combust with that scene with cheol and his uncle talking about how he is in love and risking his career

also, the way you gave the nickname so much depth???? how did you even come up with that like??? your brain is built different, i swear if you were to take an x ray it’d be heart shaped because WHAT i SOBBED and i CRIED like actual water in my eyes down my cheeks, that was so cute, so precious and so tooth rotting sweet i want to run into a streetlight i could not handle that part of the plot i am still in shambles i want to sob every time i think back like ?????? (not spoiling anything specific here BUT AH THIS WAS SO KSKSKSKS)

in conclusion, i’d like to throw something at you for attacking the entire fandom like that BUT i would also like to wholeheartedly thank you for putting so much time and effort and thinking and love and brain capacity (yes your heart shaped brain, prove me wrong!) into that fic which is so so long but so full of plot and plot twists and lovely details and in total so lovingly written, your writing style is so nice like ???? the whole fic is a giant piece of art for real, thank you so much for blessing us with this, i wish you all the best and someone like the cheol you wrote to be your special someone, you deserve someone kind and caring and loving and only wanting the best for you because that is what you deserve

also i wrote this in a rush of emotions it is 5am my brain is dead and there might be typos grammar mistakes anything of the sort but i’d like to say i don’t know you but i love you sm for putting this out i hope i gets the appreciation it deserves and mwah i hope you’re having a great day

oh my fucking god this ASK THIS FUCKING ASSKKKK 😭💖💖🩷🩷💖💖😞😞😞💖😭🩷🩷💖 CURRENTLY SCREAMING CRYING INTO MY PILLOW SHITTING MY PANTS GIGGLING EXPERIENCING RESURGENCE OF GIRLHOOD

TXT DIVORCES SCR E AMMMING GGG G what i like to do is HURT BITCHES ☝🏼😍 WAIT SCREAM 5AM ??;£;£: OH MY FOD I HOPE U WERENT TOO SLEEP DEPRIVED RHE NEXT DAY IM SO SORRY 😭😭👹👹👹👹👹

5 star Michelin level 😞😞😞💖💖😞💖💖😞💖💖😞💖 PLEASEEE im so glad u enjoyed the paintings description!! the art whore in me is very very happy 😞😭

A STEVEN SPIELBERG QUENTIN TARANTINO STAWPPPPPP ITTTT STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY I WILL KISS YOU 😞😞😭😭🥹🥹🩷 i was so nervous about pacing their hatred/love because I didn’t want them to just fall in love w each other quickly cause it wouldn’t be realistic at all !! thank u for appreciating that 🥹💖

SCR E WAMINGGGG UR WAY W WORDS ARE MILES BETTER THAN MINE ?;£:!3£33 UR TOO FUNYN LFMAOA I’m glad I had this much of an effect 😍🙏🏼 i will take being thrown shit at for my work LMDAO

HEART SHAPED BRAIN 😞💖💖😞💖 I’m so so happy u enjoyed the nickname bit cause idk nicknames are such an important aspect of ur identity and cheol is such a cute fucking nickname i feel like shitting screaming crying over it whenever I see him so i needed to express that 🙏🏼🙏🏼

OH GOD UR LITERALLY SO INSANELY SWEET??? I could only hope i find a man as insanely kind, beautiful, endearing as cheol (me and him would eat each other alive)

thank YOU for the kindest words, your ESSAYYTT of a review 😞😞😞💖💖💖💖 i honestly wasn’t expecting anything like this when I released cheol fic, but it’s people like you that make posting worth it 🩷🩷💖

#asks #foxdaisy asks #the great war tings #might be the sweetest ask I’ve ever received #thank you for writing this #AT FUCKING FIVE AM TOO #MY GIRL I REALLY HOPE U HAD SOME SLEEP LATER #the threats are so funny MY HANDS ARE UP IN SURRENDER !!! #I’m so so happy u enjoyed it dearest !! #i was actually not gonna post this fic #because I was like … so embarrassed by how niche it was in the sense of like #cause i literally just wrote for myself 👹 but I’m glad alice convinced me thank u Alice #I hope you are having the bestest of days #MWAH !!

[notthestarwar]

Masterpost of my character webs (webweaves of quotes that make me think of them. usually with a very long explanation of my thoughts in one of the reblogs lol)

Sources and text are in alt but pls let me know if there's any mistakes

Fox

Cody Cody 2

Boba

Kix

Obi Wan

Anakin (1 2 3 4 5)

Jango (1 2 3 4 5 6)

Some extra Jango quotes that didnt make it in to an actual web

Clones

Is Jango a father to the clones

RE: my writing

I know I've mentioned this to a few of you but I wanted to make a post explaining and also I'll add this in to the authors notes of what I've got posted on ao3.

I'm pretty unhappy with what I've got posted on ao3, the editing isn't where I want it to be and I've not been at a point where I can fix it. I'm not intending to delete any nor am I gonna make them anonymous/orphan them, but it is my full intention to rewrite my multi chaps and I consider the very early oneshots I wrote to be abandoned. Though I'm not intending to delete any of them and they'll be there, I am considering possibly making a new account and leaving that one to collect dust as an archive I guess.

I wanted to mention this as I know I've got a few unfinished works and I've been saying I'll update them as soon as I'm in the right frame of mind but I haven't got there and now I'm at the point where I want to rewrite what's there before I move on with them (tho tbh I have quite a lot of chapters from those finished and unposted and outlines for each of them.)

So. I don't consider myself to be on hiatus, however, I do intend to rewrite:

Dead from the beginning (mainly editing)

I think love is something that happens to other people (adding some side storylines)

When is a monster not a monster (mainly editing but also moving chapter breaks)

The lost mand'alor (story changes. I intend to delete large bits)

And before i post new chapters I want to do major revisions to:

What the living do rewrite

No children

Talking to the dead

The glass wall

How the living go on living and the dead go on living with them

I've yet to decide what i want to do with the one shots. If I'm only making small edits it'll be on the same work but for the above rewrites/ major revisions In all liklihood I'll be posting them as seperate works possibly on a seperate account (tho I'll link back and you'll be able to see it's me). I'm just not at a point where I can consider starting this yet and so in the meantime I won't be updating any of those wips and they'll be in their messy unedited state for the foreseeable (dead from the beginning in particular lol which is pretty much entirely unedited)

I am gonna try and get back in to writing by maybe working on unposted wips/starting stupid little things that entertain me, as I think that's probably the best way to build on my ability to get me to a point where I can rewrite the above, so depending on how that goes you may see new stuff being posted, but the old ones remain unabandoned and ready to go as soon as my brain gets with the program, just don't expect it any time soon lol

That said. I'm always happy to talk about my work on here and explain where things are heading

Wip list

#new pinned post

[stardustmade009]

12/29/23 Hasan Piker said to please defend him more, finally I have been given the permission I need to sephiroth post. Late Christmas Early New Year Miracle!!!! Drama frog rejoice

(cross posting from reddit)

Hi long time lurker. And look, this is a page about HASAN PIKER. This is the place for what I'm about to do, I'm a girl with a bunch of interests and sometimes those interests intersect in ways I just sit on for years cause quite honestly I'm using "girl" v loosely and I'm 31 woman and I know what "cringe" is because I wrote the book, so I just kinda shit post in comments on twitter to release the stress of being a fan of Hasan, and I don't have a twitter anymore, so I thought I was just going to have to die on this.

But finally, on this day I was watching a clip from the 12-29-23 at 4 in the morning cause I got off work early (https://youtu.be/kMwQQmVMcAw?si=XhjWf6R_O5UgH9MX&t=294) and I got all I need to let out about 4 years of built up Hasan drama. So mods, Daddy said I could so please please please don't delete this. This is perfect fodder on who to block personally and as I will elaborate, I done my time in this community, just let me have my soap box.

Who am I and what give me this authority? (a disclaimer) As stated above I'm up at 4 am, and this is "off early", I work nightshift factory job in middle america who's worked there for 10 years with a long side story I will not bore you with. I found Hasan when he did the breakdown on fb and just liked the way he broke down the news. Is he a perfect person? No. There are many things I wish he didn't do. (Hoobastank) But on the whole, solid person who's world view is refreshing to listen to and I don't lose sleep in supporting my like in him because he tries to be ethical with his spending and its like $5, come on, I can spend $5 to enjoy myself ad free at that top of the hour if I want. I work 12 hour shifts.

But as I said, I work 12 hours, and where Hasan sometimes makes 10 hours of content, I also have other interests and sometimes I'm doing that, sometimes I'm a drama girlie (and it's super sexist if you judge me), sometimes I'm a goblin. And boy howdy how I wish the drama girlies would rally around Hasan because he's chill with QT and Rae, cause then I wouldn't have to do this myself. But alas, we must all sometimes be the change we want to see in the world, and the drama girlies don't know about this filth, so here I am. Youtube channel-less and angry. So I'm gonna vent about the latest drama here for a moment cause I've been sitting on this need since Hasan's biggest mistake, befriend the worlds more admired online deadbead father since Onision, Steven Kenneth Bonnell II (wiki).

The Meat and Potatoes (If you don't want my auto-bio but wanna be a drama goblin with me) I find it ABSOLUTELY INSANE that ANYONE in the dgg orbit thinks they get to get their fucking panties in a twist over "edgy jokes" like mocking Claira "Harassed a woman over a tweet about a cookbook for two years" Sorrenti doing cocaine with a Road Runner gif when she went on a very public bender and harassed every fucking person she could and hides behind being a fucking addict instead of showing even a drop of remorse for her action past the "I want to keep my job and keep calling myself the one true leftist so I'm sorry uwu" video/clip from a stream she didn't even have the time to do on its own, I don't remember but I watched it and she was full of shit cause I don't believe the cocaine bender was 2 years, aka the amount of time she harassed Roslyn Talusan, unless those "tasty noodles" has the flour subbed out with cocaine.

"Oh but but but Hasan said the r slur that one time" harks the orbitor. oh, wow. The community where if I even could edit there is no program around that could make a montauge of the amoung of time even one of your favs has said it, and Hasan has, say it with me, changed and tries not to be a fucking asshole, something you orbitor fucks could never understand.And the most insane of it all is the worse thing you could list of things Hasan REALLY did and has shown zero remorse for, beside the cracker thing, they cheered gleefully because they liked his more dirtbag shit. Hasan having the most unhinged reaction to being asked to not do a fundraiser with Hogwarts Legacy for the trans community, I've never seen them gargle balls harder. WHY?? Cause they wanted to bully Jessie Gender, a truly respectable person.

That was the only real thing. (a bit tongue in cheek I'm too high and this is much longer than I planned on he has done some other things. but they were mouth to sack there too)

"Oh but he was wrong about RUSSIA!!!!!" Do you fire the weather person for being wrong? Shut up.

So to all of them, either get a real job other than being the most annoying online cult or hurry up and drink the coolaid or whatever your own cults endgame is. I've blocked you and you're still leaking through. Idk. Idc. Just leave Hasan Piker Alone.

#hasan piker #hasanabi #drama #twitter drama #jessie gender

[invvuu]

a whisker in love (03 — worried about me?)

warning/s: profanity and grammatical mistakes (i wrote this in one full setting and i did not proofread it so expect it to be trashy)

previous | masterlist | next

“don’t grab my hand like that!” beomgyu exclaims as he rubs a sore spot on his wrist. “look, it’s completely red!” he pouts with furrowed eyebrows, gazing at yunjin who was peeking around the corner.

“okay what in the world are you doi-“

“shhh!”

the girl snaps her head around towards beomgyu’s direction. she puts a pointer finger against her lips, signaling that beomgyu should be quiet before speaking in a hushed tone.

“lower your volume! they should be here by now.”

“what? who the hell are you talking about?” beomgyu crosses his arms together. “who’s they?”

“jake and y/n.” yunjin looks back again, “y/n told me that she was going to give sakura and sunghoon some snacks once their dance practice was finished.”

“i thought dance practice ended at 5:30?”

“practice was shortened since there’s supposed to be maintenance at 6:00.”

“how do you know that?”

“i’m the school’s gossip girl, i know everything.”

beomgyu walks closer to yunjin, standing right behind her as he follows along in closely watching the area near the practice room’s entrance.

soon enough, multiple sounds of footsteps resounded throughout the hallways, making the both of them completely alert.

“how’s practice going?” y/n asks as she grips the bag slung over her shoulder. “it’s okay so far.” jake hums in response. “but it’s a bit tiring to be completely honest.”

“shit — they’re here!” yunjin quietly exclaims before grabbing unto beomgyu’s shirt to pull him away from the corner. “what the fu-” “just shut up for once will you?!” yunjin asks aggressively as she covers beomgyu’s mouth to stop him from speaking any further.

y/n sighs at jake’s confession, “are you okay?”

“yeah i’m doing just fine.” jake then pauses for a moment, making y/n stop walking too. the boy turns his body to reveal a cheeky grin plastered on his face, a few giggles spilling out of his mouth in the process.

“are you perhaps,” jake stifles a laugh, “worried about me?”

“what?” y/n asks as if she was audibly saying her thoughts out loud. “of course i am! what kind of friend am i then if i wasn’t?”

jake’s giggles filled the entire area as he puts a hand on top of y/n’s head, ruffling her hair. “hehe, look at you asking if i am okay.” his smile only widens along with his eyes that show genuine joy.

“my friend, you don’t have to worry about me anymore, i’m a man now! heck, i’m even taller than you!”

“hey!” y/n calls out as jake bursts out in complete laughter.

“you see that shit right there?” yunjin asks with a smug look on her face. beomgyu mouthed a quiet wow before nodding in agreement, “they’re definitely in love, your honor.”

“what are you guys doing?”

“FUCK-“

both yunjin and beomgyu immediately turned around and quickly threw their fists with closed eyes at whatever was behind them.

a groan soon came out in less then a second. at the sound, beomgyu opened his eyes and saw sunghoon rubbing a sore spot on his shoulder.

“oh shit — why did you do that?!” beomgyu whisper yells at the same time as yunjin opens her eyes to see sunghoon’ s pained state.

“i could ask you the same thing! why did you guys punch me?!”

“well we wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t scare us like that!”

as beomgyu and sunghoon were arguing, yunjin sighs and quickly shushes them down. “okay, i get that you guys hate each other’s guts right now but-”

“uhh…” sunghoon raises his hand in front of him to stop yunjin from talking.

“-let’s just cooperate together, yknow as a team?”

beomgyu turns around again only to silently curse to himself and quickly places a hand on yunjin’s shoulder, “bro, can you shut up for a second?”

“let me continue first, bro.”

“no bro, jake is literally right behind you.” sunghoon then points his finger at the area behind yunjin and waves his hand at him.

“oh crap, really?” yunjin whips her head to look behind her and sees jake standing there with a confused expression on his face.

“hi?” jake awkwardly says, waving at the three others in front of him.

“hey jake!” yunjin waves back with a wide smile, this makes beomgyu frown in utter disgust. “where’s y/n? i thought you guys came here together?”

“oh,” jake turns his head to point at the practice room’s entrance. “she’s giving kkura some snacks we bought at the convenience store earlier.”

sunghoon’s face brightens at the word snacks. “you bought snacks?” jake snickers at his friend’s expression. “don’t worry, i got some for you too.”

as the two were talking together, yunjin excused herself and approached y/n and sakura.

“oh yunjin!” y/n smiled at her friend’s entrance. “hey, are you ready to leave now?” yunjin immediately asked. “mhm! just came here to drop off some snacks.” y/n raises her arm to show that she was carrying a clear plastic bag filled with a couple of chips.

beside y/n was sakura, who was raising an eyebrow at yunjin. something in her knew that this wasn’t how the meeting was supposed to go so she took out her phone from her pocket and started speaking. “text later?” she asks yunjin, to which she receives a nod in return.

“anyway,” yunjin turns her gaze unto y/n. “we should get going.”

“yeah, i don’t want to leave eden alone for too long and i can’t be late to work.” y/n grabs her bag’s strap and waved sakura goodbye.

“bye bye, kkura!”

“bye, n/n!”

a/n: I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING THIS SMAU FOR 3 MONTHS NOW 😭😭😭

#📖 — yinvi’s writings #enhypen x reader #yang jungwon x reader #a whisker in love #jungwon x reader #i am genuinely guilty for putting this on hold

[babysharl]

Hope I'm not too late for the WIP ask game. What about #1 and #3? Also is there really going to be a continuation of the Christmas one shot you wrote?

You were not late for the WIP ask game !! But I definitely am, sorry it's taken me a couple days to answer 🙏 Thank you for the ask, love!

You have all the answers under the cut so I don't make an annoyingly lenghthy post ^^

Okay, so #1, Lest is my 2022 season fic. It has like 25k words written, but it's mostly dialogue except for a few fully formed scenes, and it spans literally the entire season. I wrote it as it went on (it's divided into 28 chapters), but it's too gargantuan of a WIP to work through :S Maybe I'll reconceptualise it into a oneshot, cause I like the character arcs in it and there's scenes I love a lot. Max is poly in this and in a serious relationship with Kelly, and at the start Charles is with Charlotte too. Charles and Max start developing a closer friendship, and then ✨feelings✨ start to appear. They go back and forth without addressing said feelings for a long while.

Here's an excerpt of a scene post Singapore qualifying:

"Hey." He said quietly, debating with himself for all of two seconds before he took a seat next to Max, self-consciously still leaving a gap between them. When he finally settled down, it seemed like Max came out of whatever revery he had been in. 

"Sorry we're up here." He muttered, his voice cracking up in the middle before he cleared his throat, still looking ahead to the skyline that was visible. "Kelly was asleep already." 

Charles hummed, but didn't really know how to answer that. There was a weird feeling hanging between them, and Charles would be lying if he said on his part it had nothing to do with having met Kelly the day before, or Max mentioning her being in their room and bed right now. It made him feel awful, too. But he doubted anything going on between them had anything to do with Max reaching out so late and when they should've been closing the curtains in their rooms and getting to bed. It was nearing midnight in Monaco's time. Way past their bedtimes. 

"Are you okay?" He braved, waiting with bated breath to see if Max would lash out. Charles still didn't know what to expect with him. He was better at reading Max now that he had ever thought he would be, but Max still seemed so out of reach sometimes.

The other man only let out a long sigh, though, stretching his legs and letting them rest against the pavement of the roof. 

"I lost it." Charles frowned, confused, but then Max kept talking and he suddenly knew what about. "Such a small issue, completely and understandably something that can happen –not that it should, but I know it can happen, and I shouldn't complain because the team ever so rarely makes mistakes–, and I…. completely lost it."

Charles took a deep breath, then let it out slowly before admitting in a quiet voice, "I heard." He doubted there was anyone in the paddock who hadn’t. And the press… not their most forgiving day when it came to Max. Charles was selfishly glad that he usually had the press on his side, that he didn’t have to know what was being on the other end of it, being labelled as the villain time and again.

It was the middle of the night, and Charles’ phone told him it should’ve been at least a bit colder than it was during the day, but the heat remained even as high up as they were, his t-shirt clinking to his skin in a way that not even the humidity in Monaco managed to accomplish. Singapore was beautiful, but Charles had never liked how sticky it made his skin. 

#3 F1TV -> this one started as a 5+1 and I'd really like to finish it. I have 3 and a half out of 6 written, so odds are I may actually do finish it. Premise is Max keeps analysing Charles' onboards to "study the enemy" (full suspension of disbelief cause they have both said they never watch other onboards and just focus on their own hahahah). Here you have a little excerpt from it:

After that second time, it becomes a thing. Max keeps asking G.P. for the race onboards, he makes a habit of watching them either on the plane back home or once he's home, so he can watch on a screen bigger than his phone. Sometimes if he’s told it’s a particularly good race, he sets up the video on the screen of his simulator, and analyses it while replicating every movement Leclerc does with his own hands on his steering wheel. He can't find a way to explain this weird obsession other than he's trying to find cracks in Leclerc's driving. Because about halfway through last year's summer, Leclerc signed to Sauber. And even though Max shouldn't be concerning himself with someone driving such a backmarker car as a Sauber, he knows Leclerc from his own karting days, and he has seen enough onboards from him by now to know he's not going to be driving a midfield car in Formula 1 for long. He'll step up sooner or later. And Max needs to be prepared.

And finally, as for a continuation of As Long As I Get To Keep You, it's not so much a continuation as me tying loose ends for my own peace of mind. I don't know if it'll ever see the light of day, but here you have the conversation that made me create that WIP:

It was only later in the day, when they were both once again cuddling in Max's bed, that Charles remembered something. 

"What did…" He started, but for some reason the words got lost along the way as his finger slid up and down Max's chest, taking in the way it rose and fell with each breath.

Max indulged him, but he still whispered, "Hm?"

Charles had to make a conscious effort to tear his eyes away from the skin he had littered with hickies. It made something stupid and primitive go nuts inside him, Max being all marked up by his lips. But the curiosity about this particular part of their day in that world itched his brain. It probably wasn't even that important. Charles still couldn't help it. 

"When Jules called." Max takes a deep breath, as if he felt this conversation was going to go down a route Charles wasn't intending it to, so Charles rushed to finish his thought. "When he called, and you took the phone." 

"Yeah?" 

Charles turned a bit in Max's hold to be able to look at him properly. 

"What did he want to talk to you about?" He finally asked, meeting Max's eyes and seeing confusion in them, then something else entirely.

Thank you again for the ask! 💙

#lestappen #wip ask game #ask game #my writing

[lorata]

Okay this might be a little too spicy to ask, so feel free to ignore, but do you have any THG fanfic/fandom characterization/headcanon pet peeves? Aside from I assume one-note Careers. Mine is the way people erase the mentorship bond! I see so much Finnick stuff especially where he tells the writer’s chosen lover for him that they’re the “only one who sees the real him,” and I’m always like, hello, MAGS???

oh hard agree, plus I'm not a super fan of that even without the mentor thing. like don't get me wrong I love a good, codependent fictional relationship that would be absolutely destructive in real life (delicious) but everyone should have more than one person. there can be MULTIPLE codependent relationships! codependent fractal! a weird group of people with a weird shared experience that nobody else can hope to understand. FEED ME THAT LIKE SKITTLES.

(don't come for me about my fictional preferences. leave me and the fellowship ALONE)

on a similar note I also used to get tired of how everyone made all the mentors sexually and/or romantically involved with their victors (like Beetee/Wiress, Brutus/Enobaria or Finnick/Annie where he's her mentor, whoever.) like no shade to people who read or write it BUT I feel like there was a weird period where no one could envision ANY close relationship without writing it into a pairing. Maybe it's my aroace coming to the surface but I got a bit grumpy. So I wrote an endless permutation of complicated, intense relationships with absolutely no sex or romance aspect. what are ya gonna do about it!

one of my less controversial peeves is "peeta starts out dating glimmer who is vapid and promiscuous and cheats on him so he can get together with katniss who is perfect" like an early taylor swift song. it was E V E R Y W H E R E for a while. if there was a modern AU, Peeta was dating Mean Bitch Glimmer and she'd get her comeuppance around the end of Act I. why. please. one of Katniss' actual, literal, canon character arcs is realizing Glimmer was a person who was forced to act the way she was (her interview dress chosen by her adult stylist was SEE-THROUGH) and she died, alone, for an audience who immediately forgot she existed. and you're gonna "not like other girls" her for your wish-fulfillment barista AU. cool.

on the other end of the scale -- and this is a very personal trigger, so I don't blame anyone for liking it -- the District 5 repro girls / thin girls fanon that was rampant in 2012-2014 fanfic. a bunch of people incorporated it into their stuff but it is such a violent, visceral nope for me that if a story uses it I close the tab immediately.

characterization-wise, there is a fic i still see floating around where rue makes me scream. listen. rue is the oldest of 6 kids AND her father died when she was even younger than katniss. she has been working full time to support her family in a job where you are literally murdered for mistakes since she was nine years old. rue is calculating and intelligent, she tells katniss that peeta is "okay" when she knows he's bleeding to death because if katniss realizes he's dying she'll leave. PLEASE. respect the hustle, the girl is not naive.

ok you did say spicy so i will give you ONE (1) hot take. it drives me bananas when fanfic uses Cato Hadley and Clove Kentwell. they first appeared on wattpad in 2010, when fandom tossed a few names around for a while and hadley and kentwell were the ones that stuck. but IT'S NOT THEIR REAL LAST NAMES STOP ADDING THEM TO THE WIKIS AND TELLING PEOPLE IT'S CANON AAAAAAAAA.

there's my one petty hunger games post, lol. i am pretty live and let live, generally if I don't like something I scroll past or filter it out. the annoyance happens when it's stuff like, trying to read fic about Careers and the first page of results is just them background tagged in an ensemble fic about the main characters -- but that's a minor character in juggernaut fandom problem, that's EVERYWHERE. i do the "search within results summary: name" trick to solve that

#lorata answers #anonymous

[ambitionsource]

I found ambition when looking for Jack and Eric fanfic on ao3. I genuinely thought it was it's own show with characters who just happened to have the same name as my two bmw favs (I didn't watch gmw and for my own sake I probably never will because they do my babies; jack, eric and angela, so dirty, and I knew of certain things namely Lucas Maya Riley I didn't know enough for it to make me click). I had no clue what I was getting myself into but then I started reading. I'm so beyond glad I did, I've loved every second, every laugh and every tear. Ambition is the show I wished I had as a teen (instead I had glee... and Riverdale... that says enough...) but I'm glad I found it when I needed it, as I face the same challenges the gang has been facing in season 4 as they move on from triple a and onto life in the real world. I like to believe the stories we need find their way to us, the characters we need to meet come to us, thank you for bringing all the characters but especially Jack, Charlie, Nigel, Asher and Jade to life, joining them on their journeys throughout the show and seeing parts of myself - good and bad - reflected back on me has helped me in ways I'll never be able to put to words so I'll simply say thank you. That's the power of good writing, it leaves the reader changed, the writing in ambition is incredible. I've been invested at every step, hooked by every twist. Ambition feels so real, so poignant, the characters feel like real people, it is so true to life in all it's complexities and in all it's ugliness and beauty. It's raw and it's human and it's about community and hope and it's about flawed people who make mistakes but are still worthy and deserving of love and who are trying to do not only do their best but do good and it's the story I desperately needed. I just wanted to write a wee note to send some appreciation to you all for your incredible work and everything you do to bring us this brilliant piece of work.

If the multiverse is real there's a universe where I follow Dylan Orlando on yt and TikTok and debate and jokingly bicker with Nigel about Shakespeare and am mostly likely a techie, I'm kinda sad that I'm not in it lmao but I'm glad and so grateful in one where I found your story. Looking forward to the rest of season 4 and in time season 5, it's going to break my heart to say goodbye but that's how you know that it mattered, if it hurts to let it go.

{backpedaling to bmw for a sec, BLESS YOU FOR WRITING THE WRONGS. I loved the Shawn Angela storyline in season 1 and honestly it healed a part of me that bmw/gmw broke. Without a doubt ambition did it better. I love when they pop in and they have some of my favorite lines. Shawn absolutely kills me, to paraphrase ; "oh yeah I could be jack, authority baby" destroys me every single time. I adore his dynamic with the techies too and Jack. Speaking of Jack, I am on my knees praising y'all for Jack and Eric, so rarely are older couples in teen/ya shows given such depth and it's even rarer to see a queer relationship between two men in their 30s/40s. Their relationship isn't perfect, it's flawed and complicated and there is so much love, their journey so far has been beautiful. It's rare for older characters especially teachers and parents to be treated as three dimensional and as complex individuals, they're typically just the joke or unreasonable antagonist, not in ambition. They are just as complicated and as real as our mains and I love that}.

omg hi! hello!! welcome welcome to the ambition family! full disclosure when i got the notification in my email that i had an anon on this blog i always lowkey dread it's going to be something harsh -- because internet -- but this message was the absolute opposite and the most lovely of surprises. i don't even know where to begin, but you wrote such a thoughtful and packed note here so i wanna address it all in turn -- please bear with me for the long response!

(though if you've read all of ambition up to this point, you're probably used to my writing being way too long. ahaha.)

first off, i wanted to highlight, underline, emphasize in bold what you said here: "I like to believe the stories we need find their way to us, the characters we need to meet come to us..." because you quite literally put our mentality about creating the show into words (beautiful words at that). that is near word-for-word the approach esther and i have taken with this show basically since its inception when we started writing it for ourselves -- we never ever expected it would reach as many people as it has. and we think of it that exact same way, that those who are meant to discover ambition will find their way to it (and its never too late to dive in). so it's so special to me to see you say that, to reflect that sentiment back to us, as like... proof that it is true. this series has brought a specially strange and wonderful cohort of readers together and it is always amazing when another one pops in to make themselves known. so thank you, thank you, for taking the time out of your day to share that with us. and again, welcome!

secondly -- HELL YES TO FINDING YOUR WAY HERE BECAUSE OF JACK AND ERIC! as someone who admittedly has grown less than fond of bmw in the intervening years (does our version of ct show that a bit... oops lol), jack and eric as a duo are still who holds my heart because they were that iconic in the source material of yore. i typically just tag them because they are so central to ambition (though as you probably noticed, i don't tag bmw as a fandom -- at this point i wouldn't tag either show honestly since its so like it's own thing but i have to unfortunately lmao), but i had considered not doing so because i didn't want to clog up the jeric tag but now i'm so glad i do, because look what a lovely little happenstance of bringing you to ambition it fostered!!

(also, you're correct. don't watch gmw. i enjoyed my time with it back in the day, it's cute, but there are better shows and the fandom was absolutely horrible. basically everyone who was there will attest to that LOL. that's partially why we emphasize that at this point ambition really is its own thing, because it's so far removed -- and clearly you can vouch for that now 😊)

and thank you for your kind words about how we write jack and eric -- we 100% agree that adult characters on young adult dramas tend to be useless at best and downright vile at worst (hellooo mr schue, speaking of glee), and we wanted them to be fleshed out and flawed and featured just as much in their own right. plus not only do they have a great relationship with each other that we enjoy writing (enemies to friends to lovers done right, if we do say so ourselves), they have such incredibly important dynamics with others (lucas and isa being the obvious ones) that it's impossible to think of the show without them. so it is SO great to hear such specific praise for them from a reader! and i love that you shouted out a shawn line, he is an underrated gem in the ambition story world for sure (and allowing him and angela their due was very satisfying for us, yes, hahaha).

lastly, can i ask, are you a writer too? because the way you phrased this is absolutely gorgeous and i want to just. hang it up on my wall and hold it close to my heart forever: "joining them on their journeys throughout the show and seeing parts of myself - good and bad - reflected back on me has helped me in ways I'll never be able to put to words so I'll simply say thank you. That's the power of good writing, it leaves the reader changed, the writing in ambition is incredible. I've been invested at every step, hooked by every twist. Ambition feels so real, so poignant, the characters feel like real people, it is so true to life in all it's complexities and in all it's ugliness and beauty. It's raw and it's human and it's about community and hope and it's about flawed people who make mistakes but are still worthy and deserving of love and who are trying to do not only do their best but do good and it's the story I desperately needed."

like legit, that means so so much to us. it's so heartening to see readers engage with the material so deeply AND come away from it with exactly the themes we set out to explore -- community, love, complexity, humanity, faith, failure, rebirth. so thank you, genuinely, for taking the time to send us this wee little note. it is incredibly kind of you, and we're so glad you found this series and get to take the journey with us.

enjoy the rest of the season to come, and please feel free to pop in at any time ✨

-- Maggie

#its also So funny you mention the multiverse bc we literally often talk about #the 'aaa verse' where ambition is a real show #and how they're living in the good timeline and we're not LMAO. but we try #also since it has nothing to do with bmw / gmw really... dont shy away from sharing with friends!! #if you think they'd vibe with it -- that's what ambition is all about #and we're opening up a discord server soon for ambition warriors to come together #so keep an eye out if you're interested 😊 #anyway wow. like that just made my entire week #this community really is so lovely and special. thank you all so much #high praise tag #answered #also i laughed at the glee mention LOL #we were all there my friend... i remember it all too well...

[crescenthoax]

I will never love again 1: What inspired you to write the fic this way? 2: Which scene did you put on first? 3: What is your favorite plot? 4: What's your favorite line of dialogue? 5: Which part was hardest to write? 6: What is your fic special or different from all your other fics? 7: Where did the title come from? 8: Did any real person or event inspire any part of this? 9: Was there an alternate version of this fic? 10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story? 11: What do you like most about this fic? 12: What do you like least about this fic? 13: What song did you hear that made you want to write this story? Or if you haven't heard anything yet, what do you think readers should hear to keep us reading? 14: Is there anything you would like readers to learn from reading this fic? 15: What did you learn from writing this fic?

Oh jesus christ. Okay let’s see, I’ll try to be as brief as possible.

1. I guess I just wrote what I would like to read. Back in october, there weren't any Aegon fics (mostly Aemond x niece/sister), and I thought I would be happy writing for us Aegon enthusiasts since there was too much hate around.

2. The first scene I wrote was teenage Aegon meeting teenage Annika (with some Rhys foreshadowing as well), but at the last minute I decided I didn’t want them to be familiar with each other or have any preconceptions when they got married, so I went for the original prologue.

3. Annika in Rhaenyra’s court, 100%. I adore her entire internal struggle and the person she’s becoming.

4. Ughh either the “your love is a curse” “then you must be a curse breaker” bit or the “hair grows back, your dead children don’t”.

5. You know what, I have the hardest time writing happy/fluffy moments, like grief comes naturally but the entire love plot I tend to overthink it a lot because I don't want to make it cheesy, and to be honest, I don't think I'm very good at it. Lately, though, it's the entire war plot that's getting on my last nerve.

6. Definitely the fact that I've never gotten this far with any of my other works. I'm so committed to it and to the characters that I don't know what I'm going to do once it's finished.

7. I think it was that the 1975 song happiness one of my friends kept singing and it stuck with me for WEEKS, then I had an epiphany while listening to cowboy like me by taylor swift and here we are.

8. There’s a lot of me in Annika and there’s a lot of my trauma and my love and my friends and my life but no one is inspired in no one.

9. Never. A drama queen with intimacy issues and a pathetic wimpy mess full of rage were my ride or die since day one.

10. I wanted to write something real and raw, someone who unapologetically made mistakes, and my boy failure Aegon was a perfect match for it. Besides I feel like all of you just… Get it in the way I wanted you to get it. It wouldn’t work if Annika was paired with Aemond for example. It had to be them.

11. The family dynamics. I love the fact that the green brothers found not just love but a real family with the girls. They might have their differences, but at the end of the day, they're all they have.

12. That I put on a lot of detail and made it too complicated and sometimes it’s hard to keep up.

13. I don’t think is just one in particular but a bunch of sad indie songs glued together. I’m gonna make a playlist someday.

14. Oh it actually terrifies me that someone might learn something from this flawed story but I guess that’s a good point, that you’re valid and deserving of love no matter how much you believe otherwise.

15. Yeah that I am insane lol.

#im never gonna love again #team green #fanfic #aegon ii targaryen #annika lannister #aegon x oc #hotd #asoiaf #got #aegon ii fanfic #ao3 writer #aegon targaryen fic #aegon targaryen fanfic

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

The Winchesters Pilot

So, I have SO much to say!! (Legit this post is as long as some of my fics!!)

I watched the episode twice. Once to just watch it, and then again to take notes. And I have a LOT of notes! Lol! 😁

But I'll start by saying that this post will be mostly vey positive, (with a few things noted that I didn't love) so if you really didn't enjoy it, or you just hate watched it, you're probably not going to agree with anything I say here.

But if you also had mostly very positive feelings, or even meh 🤷🏼‍♀️ it was okay feelings about the pilot, come on in under the cut and read all my rambling thoughts and opinions and then let me know what you think!

(I will delete hateful comments.)

Also, I wrote this in the middle of the night and didn't do a great job proofing, so there will probably be tons of mistakes. Sorry!

Okay, so I'm gonna break this into 5 categories.

1 - The Characters/Actors

2 - Easter Eggs

3 - Things I didn't love/Would like to see improved

4 - Things I really liked/LOVED

5 - Possibly Crackpot Thoughts and Theories

Okay, here we go...

1 - The Characters/Actors:

Carlos played by Jojo Fleites

I am already so in love with Carlos! He is an amazing character and I'm very interested in hearing more about his past. For instance, if he lost his family young, who raised him? Lots of potential there!

And can we talk about how fantastic Jojo is, especially considering they've never worked professionally in anything else?! 🤯🤯 They have such a natural and easy feel for comic timing. But even more amazing, I feel like they have something deep inside them, a kind of old soul, that's gonna allow them to play the more serious moments really well too! Can't wait to see more!

Latika (Lata) played by Nida Khurshid

I'm very interested in her character as well, she seems to be the character with the most on the surface, meaning that at this point (so early on obviously) she doesn't seem to be as deep as the other characters in the quartet. But of course that may change. She's obviously the brains in the bunch, but I hope they develop her more beyond that, of course. I'm also interested in those two little moments where some sparks were present with John. Very interesting, indeed!

Nida plays Lata with a lot of heart and charm, and I enjoy her presence whenever she's on screen. She imbues Lata with a softness that, like Mary, I'm worried will be lost as the character enters hunting full time.

Mary Campbell played by Meg Donnelly

Mary is about what I expected her to be. Someone who has grown up in the life and is sick of it, never having been given a choice or any other options. I do find it telling that when John asks her what she plans to do after she stops hunting, she doesn't have an answer.

I also found her telling John that their family has no secrets really interesting, such a difference from how Sam and Dean were raised, where John kept most everything a secret and on a "need to know" basis.

Now, as to Meg's portrayal, I will say this is one of the flaws I found in the episode. Not her whole performance by any means. There were moments where the chemistry between her and John (and her and the rest of the quartet as well!) was great, and her line delivery was funny and enjoyable. But there were definitely times where I found her delivery to be a little wooden. But, she's very young and she hasn't been in much of anything outside the Disney Channel, so I'm sure she'll improve, and she has a lot of potential. I'm not worried about it!

John Winchester played by Drake Rodger

So, okay - I'm just gonna say it outright, I LOVE this version of John and, ESPECIALLY Drake's portrayal of it.

I've said it many times and I'll say it again, I don't hate the character of John. I think after Mary's death he made some truly rotten parenting choices. I think he let obsession and grief take over his life to the detriment of his sons lives.

But I've never hated him, only seen him as a deeply flawed anti-hero. But I've always loved the character of "Young John" that Matt gave us. And I feel like in this iteration of John, Drake gives us a really interesting blending of both.

Obviously his lack of knowledge is on full display, but at the same time, he's all in. He's not shying away from the fight, or from making the sacrifice. He's literally already gone after a monster so that Mary could get away. Which is 100% the Winchester way! (But I love that Mary didn't hesitate to act either and that it took both of them to get the monster.)

This is a John that has been hardened a bit from the Marines (and definitely suffering some PTSD from the war) but without the all-consumimg grief of having his wife ripped brutally and suddenly out of his life by some unspeakable evil. He is, as Mary calls him, "too sweet" compared to the John we know from SPN.

And I think Drake was the PERFECT choice to play him. He has the kind of gravitas to play the serious moments, but is also really funny and quick in the lighter scenes. His face is so full of expression, and imo, he looks quite a bit like both Gil, and Jared and Jensen. Like, you can see there being a family resemblance! His eyes are obviously a different color than JDM, which is a bit odd, 😂 but superficial physical traits like that can be overlooked easily when everything else is so right.

I have a lot of high hopes for the quartet going forward!

2 - Easter Eggs:

I'm sure there were tons more, but here are the things I noticed:

The sort of "growling" in the title card, the like, sputtering and growling just like SPN S1.

The way Mary turned on the lights in the MOL bunker for the first time, with the giant metal lever - it was the same way Dean did it the first time he and Sam entered the bunker.

The file that John's looking through in the bunker says D. Nutter on it, a reference to David Nutter who directed the SPN Pilot. 😍

The demons sounding like they did in Phantom Traveller when they talk, with that echoey, growling voice. Phantom Traveller was the very first time the boys went up against a demon in the show and the demons never sounded like that again. (Or is it an Easter Egg?! Read my conspiracy theories to see other possibilities.)

The demon smoke looks more like the demon in Phantom Traveller too. More possible conspiracies. 😁

The anti-possession symbol as charms. But seriously they lose them so easily, someone has GOT to figure out the tattoo thing! 😂

3 - Things I didn't love/Would like to see improved

K, I've already mentioned my small issue with Meg's performance and I'm not gonna keep harping on it.

The Loup-Garou was pretty cheesy. I can't tell if it was meant as an homage to early SPN monsters or if there just wasn't enough money in the budget? Lol!

The somewhat cheesy music that played during "moments" between John and Mary - like when they first bump into each other outside the theatre, or in Ada's place when they keep looking at each other and then away. My subtitles said, (sentimental music) and I thought yeah...and I'm not a fan. Lol!

4 - Things I really liked/LOVED

As you'll notice this is a much longer list!

Calling the MOL "Paranormal Free Masons" made me laugh. That tracks!

Also, calling sulfur, "Demon B.O" 😂

That they keep calling the MOL bunker a "clubhouse". The super pompous MOL would have hated that! 😂

John saying that he hated his father for keeping him away from everything, but that he still loves him too. That contrast with how the boys, in some ways, hated John for bringing them into everything, and yet, they still loved him too. It's just genius writing from Robbie!

Deep conversations while driving? Yes please!

Also, Carlos' van is a big yep for me!!

Even if the Loup-Garou was a little cheesy, watching John kill his first monster by lopping its head off, was VERY satisfying to me!

The similar sound design and score for the show kinda killed me throughout. But then to hear the SPN/Winchester theme play when John is talking to his mom at the end, about saving people and hunting things - UGH!! made me really excited and DEFINITELY teary! 😍😭

Having Gil do the voiceover for Henry's letter was AWESOME! ❤️

And of course, I mean - Dean driving away in Baby and basically telling us he's gonna be in the driver's seat, ie. he's gonna be steering the story - just fuck yes!! I trust him with it completely!!

5 - Possibly Crackpot Thoughts and Theories

Okay, so of course, I have absolutely no idea if anything I write here actually means anything, but it's fun to speculate and guess!! 😁

John says, about the letter from Henry with the MOL Bunker key, "A man I never met gave me this." Is this man he never met, Dean?!! He says he vanished. Like as though an angel zapped him back to where he came from?

Did the Akrida already tear at existence and pull some things apart, and this is Dean trying to set them right, finding the "pieces of the puzzle" as he calls them?

So, as to the demons sounding and looking more like the first time we see them in SPN, as opposed to how they eventually looked, even just later on in SPN S1...is that just a little Easter Egg for us, or is it a hint that they'll be playing around with what we know about demons? Or is it just the effects they had handy? Lol!

The fact that John's mom knew about Henry and the MOL, was she more involved with them than she's saying? I mean they were pretty secretive!

Okay, that is all my rambling thoughts after watching the pilot! I really, really enjoyed it. I feel like it does have a feel of SPN, while still setting it's own tone. The simple fact that it's a foursome and not just a twosome, already changes the dynamic. But, it's wonderful to see the "family don't end with blood" sentiment alive and well!

Also, it's wonderful to see the diversity represented in the main cast, since that was a criticism of the first series, not enough diversity. Now, it's built into the main characters, which is wonderful.

This was a great first episode and I can't wait for next week!

#the winchesters #the winchesters pilot #the winchesters 1x01 #the winchesters spoilers

[obikinwhore]

Heyyy to the 5 real people and 69 porn bots following me. I wrote a little piece of garbage <3 its f/f padawans obikin with Anakin's unhealthy obsession with Obi-Wan's tiddies.

Title from Electric Feel by MGMT

Rating: Explicit

Words: 5770

Warning: underage (so hold onto your rosaries for me)

Under the cut is the fic if u don't want to read on ao3

Anakin collapses into Obi-Wan’s arms and nestles her head in the older girl’s chest as she welcomes the older girl back from a week-long trip with her Master. Qui-Gon watches and laughs softly at the encounter, seemingly in good spirits despite having been interrupted from the tense discussion with Obi-Wan where they had been discussing the past mission. Obi-Wan feels a quiet dismay at how easily Qui-Gon has always taken with Anakin. He had always been entranced by the younger girl and proud of her accomplishments since he found her 3 years ago. 

The feeling is quickly overtaken by Anakin’s first words. “Obi-Wan I’m so glad you’re back here safe. It was so boring at the temple without you!” The younger girl finally pulls back just enough that they aren’t touching, but only just. “Come, let’s go talk about your mission.” Anakin grabs Obi-Wan’s hand and yanks her away from her master who clears his throat in response.

Obi-Wan has always been blinded by the intense and powerful personality that is Anakin. Without her master’s interruption, she would have followed Anakin towards the temple. The blonde girl is filled with energy and a pervasive desire to have Obi-Wan’s full attention at all times. 

Anakin turns the strength of her personality on Qui-Gon now. Using all the glitter of her charisma to persuade him to let her friend go. “As long as I am not keeping Obi-Wan from any pressing duties Master?”

Qui-Gon’s eyes crinkle and a contented expression passes his face. “Of course not. Go along padawan, enjoy the time back at the temple.” The ease at which he caves to Anakin’s demands with just a grin, leaves a mournful feeling in her stomach that she should be used to by now. 

“Thank you Master Jinn!” Anakin drags her off toward the inner part of the temple, not giving the elder girl a second to catch her bearings. “Thank you, Master.” Obi-Wan speaks over her shoulder as she’s tugged away by Anakin. 

Once they’ve left the landing pad and are making their way through a more secluded hallway of the temple, Anakin drops the cheerful, childlike demeanor. “It really was boring without you Obi-Wan. Master Windu had me doing reports again because I skipped a diplomatics lesson.  Her change from glib to the sweeter more intense tone she takes on with Obi-Wan is always a bit of a whiplash. 

“How was your mission with your Master?” Obi-Wan’s face shutters for a second recalling the mistakes she made and how bluntly they were pointed out by Qui-Gon. “It was fine for the most part. Honestly I’m not sure how much help I was to him. I didn’t exactly show my best skills out there. I’m still having a hard time grasping hand to hand combat. My skills lie more heavily upon saber work.”

“Oh? Do you want to spar then? I haven’t been able to since you left.” Obi-Wan would have known that without Anakin telling her this. Obi-Wan seems to be the only one Anakin has made much of a connection to, and she never seemed keen on making more friends at all.

“I’m not sure, Anakin. I’m sort of tired from the flight and I really should be catching up on my studies for what I have missed.” Obi-Wan notices they’re still holding hands as they’re walking, but doesn’t say anything to dissuade it. Despite Anakin being a bit overbearing, she has always enjoyed when the girl was more tactile with her.

“Oh, please! Come on, let's spar.” A smug look passes upon Anakin’s face. “Oh… or are you scared to lose? I know you weren’t able to beat me the last time we spared.” The smile that blooms on the blonde’s face is incredibly annoying and does exactly what Anakin set out for it to do.

“Anakin, you're being childish. You almost lost to Quinlan the week before I left. I wouldn’t talk such a big game when just before that, I had beaten him easily.” A few weeks ago Obi-Wan had been sparring with Quinlan who was another good friend of hers. She didn’t get much of a chance to hang out with him lately so the bout was a good way of killing two porgs with one stone.

The smile slips off of Anakin’s face when Obi-Wan finishes speaking. The redhead forgets about the not so friendly rivalry that exists only in Anakin’s mind.  “I definitely didn’t almost lose to him. He was using his retrocognition to touch my lightsaber and see the new katas I wanted to try out on him.” The force around them seems to thicken with Anakin’s change in mood and fine tipped words.

“Anakin, please I would rather not. I honestly need to go to my rooms and meditate on my past mission and mistakes.” Obi-Wan was already trying to shake off Anakin’s hand and head in the direction of the dorm. Anakin just grasps her hand tighter and pulls Obi-Wan towards her in a durasteel grip. “If you just go to your dorm, I’m going to follow and bother you. You know that.”

The tense mood around them from earlier dissipates in the force, but soon electrifies with the idea that falls into Anakin’s head. “Why don’t we do this then? Let’s do a few quick matches, just hand to hand with no sabers so you can practice from your mistakes? You win the best out of three and I’ll leave you alone to meditate or sleep or whatever.”

This was honestly the best outcome that Obi-Wan could hope for, she did have a fair chance at winning with her height. Plus sabers would not be used, so Anakin couldn’t use any of her tricky Vaapad. The younger girl could be irritatingly persistent with getting what she desired. Most of the time it was easier to just go along with it. The other times… well, the other times Anakin usually got her way too, but just used more force to get her way. It was both a bit disturbing and something Obi-Wan admired about her greatly. Whenever the blonde had a goal in mind she usually achieved it, her will was almost a sure thing. 

And when that will was focused on her? It both made her feel unbearably warm with a tinge of guilt and dread. She knew that she would most likely fall prey to the outcome that Anakin wanted, but the craving that Anakin had for Obi-Wan’s person and recognition? It was addicting. Especially to a girl who was so very nearly not chosen for padawanship.

“Alright Anakin. Three matches and if I win, then I’ll leave. What do you get if you win?” Anakin’s hand clenched Obi-Wan’s tighter in excitement. Her face filling up with glee at having gotten the redhead to bow to her whims so easily. “Hmm. I’m not sure yet. Why don’t we decide once you’ve lost?” The younger girl laughs throatily with her head tilted back. “Plus the surprise will make you more inspired to win.”

Obi-Wan shook her head at the younger girl’s tactic but felt herself filling up with anticipation anyway. Sometimes nothing was better than being able to knock Anakin down a peg. “Fine. Lead the way, Skywalker.” Anakin’s smile shows both rows of her pretty white teeth which Obi-Wan mirrors back, as Anakin leads them both toward the training salles.

------------

Obi-Wan’s back hits the training room mats again as Anakin sits straddled upon her belly with her hands holding Obi-Wan’s wrists above her head. Her feet hook around Obi-Wan’s thighs to immobilize her. Anakin has Obi-Wan pinned for a few moments while she struggles, captivating blue eyes taking in the elder padawan’s face then slowly tracking down her body to stare at her torso. 

With the skirmish, Obi-Wan’s robes had loosened slightly and opened in a slight v shape, the top of her sports bra peeking out. Anakin gathers Obi-Wan’s wrists in a single hand and moves the other to open Obi-Wan’s tunic to expose her bra to full view. 

“Anakin… What are you doing? Leave my robes alone, anyone could walk in”, Obi-Wan turns her head to the side to cover her rapidly heating face in her arm. 

Anakin giggles endearingly above her, “Release your worries into the force Obi-Wan, isn’t that what you’re always saying?” Anakin continued to fiddle with her robes and further opened them so the majority of her bra was visible. “Anyway I can sense that no one is out there, it’s just us.”  

Obi-Wan turns her head back to face Anakin and feels her stomach twist in embarrassment and something guiltily pleasant at the way Anakin is unblinkingly eying her chest. Her blonde head slowly moves closer as if she doesn’t already have a good enough angle to see. 

The stark difference between Anakin's heated breath closing in and the cooler room air pebbles Obi-Wan’s nipples and has gooseflesh erupt throughout the redhead’s body. The sight of both drawing out a soft inquisitive noise from Anakin. A thumb appears and brushes over a tight nub through the cloth. Obi-Wan gasps sharply and squeezes her eyes shut. No one has touched her here other than herself and even then, Obi-Wan barely brushes them when she changes in or out of her clothes.  

The teasing touch feels electric, a zing that travels from her chest down her body. Anakin doesn’t let up from rubbing her thumb to and fro. Anakin’s small thumb stuttering as it passes over the peak of her nipple. 

“Obi-Wan, do you know how much you have grown in the last few months?” 

Obi-Wan opens her eyes to see Anakin has raised her head to gauge the redhead’s reaction to her question. Both girls are open mouthed, inches apart and caught in each other’s gravity, exchanging humid breath. Anakin licks her lips as if to savor the taste of it from Obi-Wan’s lungs. 

When no words pass from Obi-Wan’s lips, Anakin’s blue eyes narrow and she harshly pinches the nipple she had been toying with. “Aahh, Anakin!” Anakin leans forward and doubles down with her left hand to bruise and melt Obi-Wan’s wrists into the mats when the elder girl tries to shy away from the pain. 

“Answer me Obi-Wan. How much has your chest grown recently? Your tits are so much bigger, my hand can’t even grab one completely.” To emphasize her statement, Anakin does exactly that. She takes her hand and gropes Obi-Wan’s breast, squeezing and playing with it. Switching  to the other breast at her leisure to give it the same treatment. 

Heat gathers anew up her neck and fills her entire face to the tips of her ears. The embarrassment threatens to overwhelm Obi-Wan with Anakin’s casual reference of her breasts as tits. “I…I don’t know. Anakin, let me go and stop grabbing me like that! Don’t refer to my chest that way either.” 

“You lost, remember Obi-Wan? Now it’s time for my prize.” Anakin already started moving onwards as if that was all the excuse she needed. “Wait! What we decided earlier was not just a blanket statement to just do whatever you please Anakin.”

“Why not? We’re both girls and I just want to see. You promised to help me with any questions or problems I had. Or did you forget that too?” Obi-Wan did recall, but Obi-Wan told her that when she had just been taken as Qui-Gon’s padawan three years ago. Anakin had just been brought to the temple. She had been so new and out of place, having grown up in the outer rim and knowing nothing of the force. A small blonde thing with bright eyes and a loneliness that was palpable to even Obi-Wan who had always had such a hard time harnessing the force for such tactics.

Since then Anakin had been stuck to her like the flexi-paste of the younger girl’s mechanical projects. She has also used this line multiple times to get Obi-Wan to follow along with her childish plans or at times, answer invasive questions such as this one.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan croaked out. She was having difficulty forming a thought with Anakin’s hand continuing to massage and explore her breasts. She chokes back a moan from the treatment and mortified, she feels the beginnings of an unwilling arousal start to pool below her navel. 

The trouble with Anakin is that she is so very tactile. She learns through touch and experimentation. Creates and dismantles droids with ease. Inspecting the parts by hand as her brilliant mind figures out how all the pieces come together. Her exploration of Obi-Wan’s chest is her way of answering her own question. In this aspect, Obi-Wan feels very much like a new toy for Anakin to play with and decipher the inner workings of.

Obi-Wan clenches her thighs together tightly. 

“That was for any trouble you had acclimating to the temple and the ways of the Jedi. Not to pin me down and grasp at me. Let me up and stop fondling me! This isn’t proper.” 

“Well then,” Anakin laughs and is radiant with girlish amusement. “If you want to leave so badly, get out of my hold. I’ll let this topic and you go, but if you can’t?” A predatory smile appears on her face, “Then it looks like you’ll have to stay here and answer me.” 

The nerves twist harder in Obi-Wan’s stomach after hearing this ultimatum while another zing flows down her body in trepidation. Despite Obi-Wan’s four years, four inches on the younger girl and entire childhood having been brought up with learning how to harness the force, Anakin is extraordinarily stronger. Frighteningly stronger actually. 

Rumors had always surrounded Anakin and her mysterious sudden appearance at the temple. The child of the force they called her. The Chosen One. 

With the experience that Obi-Wan has had with her, she knows down to the marrow of her bones that the rumors are true. As true and real as the thrumming, living force that surrounds them here in this room.

“Anakin, this is not some game—“ Anakin darts her other hand to hold Obi-Wan’s wrists once more, bruising and secure. Her tanned face eclipses the lights above them and brings a shadow over both of their faces. The intimate position lets Anakin’s short padawan brain brush Obi-Wan’s cheek. A soft, ticklish caress that is contrasted with Anakin’s next sharp words. 

“If you want out, then prove it Obi-Wan. Otherwise I will find out the answer myself. ”

Obi-Wan began to struggle to get out of the younger girl’s clutch. She tries to strain up and use the force to throw Anakin off, or even push her slightly to try to get an advantage. It was utterly humiliating to see that this 12 year old girl was able to hold her down with ease, as she arched her spine up and ran out of breath. Embarrassing animal noises coming out of her from the effort. 

Anakin moved with her easily, flowing with her movements and manipulating the force to hold Obi-Wan’s extremities down. 

After a sufficient time where even the embarrassment of losing was outweighed by the reality of her weakness, Obi-Wan fell limp and tried to control her breathing. Sweat had gathered at the edges of her hairline and across the bridge of her nose. She focused on Anakin who was watching her with an open mouthed smile showcasing her satisfaction at winning her game. Her pupils dilate and take over the crystalline blue color of her hooded eyes. 

Despite Obi-Wan’s now slack body, Anakin continues to rock her pelvis upon the elder girl’s belly as if Obi-Wan were still in the act of resisting. If she weren’t already breathing hard from the previous exertion, Anakin’s movements would have brought her there all the same. 

Before she could have just explained away Anakin’s actions as her normal inquisitive nature. But her face, the color beginning to bleed into the tops of her cheekbones and her rolling hips can’t be taken for anything else other than what it is. Anakin’s eyes then catch once more on Obi-Wan’s heaving chest. 

Obi-Wan has a bad feeling about this.

“You’re so pretty when you squirm, did you know?. Look how your tits bounce with your breath. You get red from your face all the way down don’t you?” 

The words ionize straight to Obi-Wan’s core, plasma hot. A second heartbeat starts to thrum between her legs. The elder girl lets out a shaky breath and with it feels the fight leave her. “I don’t know.” Obi-Wan chews on her lower lip in trepidation. “I’ve never paid attention to that.” The tension of what Anakin will do next is too much to bear.

“Hmmm, guess we are gonna have to find that out.” Anakin takes a hand from Obi-Wan’s wrists and goes to the bottom of the older girl’s bra. The blonde grabs the edge of the sports bra and yanks the front elastic up and over the curves of the redhead’s breasts. 

Her chest spills out and the elastic of the bra snaps dully at the very top to push her breasts further down. 

“Oh, Obi-Wan.” Her voice has a singsong, entrancing quality to it. “You do get red down here too.” 

Anakin’s bare calloused hand cups her breast and bounces it in her palm. Testing the give like she would when encountering a new mechanical piece. Obi-Wan’s eyes flutter with the sensation and she bites back the whimper that almost jumps out of her throat.

Anakin isn’t incorrect. Obi-Wan’s breasts are tender, sensitive from how much they have been growing in the past year. She’s had to size up in her bras three times and each time she has been so mortified to ask her master for more money to purchase the new clothes. 

“Anakin...” Obi-Wan aches to reprimand her, but her name comes out as a moan. 

“Obi-Wan” Anakin instinctively answers back. The blonde is distracted now with rubbing Obi-Wan’s nipples in maddening circles. “Your nipples are so big and pink. Your tits are the prettiest thing I have ever seen .”

Obi-Wan doesn’t know if she can clench her thighs tighter. The words alone are enough to bring a whine out of her. “Has anyone else ever seen you like this?” 

“I… no Anakin. Who could I have had time for? You’re always with me, who could I have had” Obi-Wan swallows the pooling drool from her mouth and scours her pleasure-addled mind for an appropriate term. “relations with?”

Anakin locks flinty eyes with her and tightens both of her hands to the point of pain. “Quinlan Vos?” The plumpness of her mouth disappears with her venomous look. “Master Qui-Gon?” 

“Master Qui-Gon!?” Obi-Wan wheezes out, mind fracturing from even the thought of her master even wanting to see her in such a state. The living force around them flexes with Anakin’s rising temper. The room turning oppressive, a pot of water just on the edge of boiling. 

“You wanted for him to see you like this didn’t you? Is this why you always parade around with your obi tied so tightly under your tits? Pushing them out? Trying to seduce your master?” The snarl on Anakin distorts her young, beautiful face. The look of a child who will not share her toys. 

“What? You can’t be serious. I’ve been trying to hide them, they’re so embarrassing. I’ve never tried to seduce him…. or anyone.” The ‘I swear’ goes unsaid, but not unheard. The blonde searches the redhead’s eyes searching for any hidden lie. 

She won’t find one. 

Anakin lets the elder girl’s wrists go and splays both hands to cover as much of Obi-Wan’s chest as she is able. She squeezes each almost like a tic, like something that comforts and compels her. Obi-Wan wishes that she could say it wasn’t leaving her slightly wet in her leggings.

“I want you to know Obi-Wan, your tits belong to me.” The blonde girl smiles down a bit manically, eyes far away as she recalls earlier times. “The force brought us together, Obi-Wan. You were the only one that made me feel less alone here. And I’ve been watching you since that day. You used to be flatter like me, but after we met your chest started growing. Growing like your body knew and was making itself ready for me. Filling up for me like a mother’s would.”  

The words awaken a need in Obi-Wan. Ions vibrating and crashing into each other under her skin. 

The blonde’s face tilts back up, so unfairly beautiful. Almost glowing with the surety of her statement, from the invigorating pulse of the force that tells Anakin that its daughter is unmistakably right. “It’s time that I had a taste.”

Anakin slides her body down Obi-Wan’s abdomen. Making sure to rub herself all the way until their crotches match up. A small moan comes out of the open wound of the younger girl’s mouth and Obi-Wan feels the sound like the sweetest brush to her clit. 

Anakin has wanted her. Maybe even for years. Paying attention to her in the way little 9-year-old girls shouldn’t have. 

Her plush rose colored lips pucker up child-like and lay a chaste kiss to the peak of Obi-Wan’s left breast. The touch is electrifying and all the nerves in Obi-Wan’s body light up like a constellation in the force. The stillness of the training room provides the perfect auditorium for the echo of Obi-Wan’s throaty grunt.

“See? You can’t hide from me Obi-Wan.” Anakin’s lovely flushed cheeks bubble up around the perfect smile on her face. “You want this as much as I do. I can sense it. Don’t worry I will give us what we both want.” 

The blonde’s tongue lays a kitten lick to the bud of her areola then swirls all around making sure to enclose Obi-Wan’s entire nipple in her spit. “Mmmm… Obi-Wan you taste so good.” 

Obi-Wan’s hands clutch now at the wrists of Anakin’s. Needing to exert some control over where Anakin is. Needing to keep her where she is. “Uughh” Obi-Wan huffs, overwhelmed. Her mind seems to be caught in a feedback loop, body turning hot and cold in turns, hair standing up as if wielded by static. 

Moans become an echoing sound between them in the empty room as Anakin takes her time tasting each breast. The younger girl tests and tries out any pattern she can think of. 

“Anakin” Obi-Wan can’t help but sigh her name. Head tilted back trying to comprehend the pleasure. Anakin bites down upon her nipple in response. 

“Anakin!” The older girl wails out.  The bite feels like a lightning bolt. A discharge of electricity shocking her down to the tips of her toes. 

The blue hot flame of Anakin’s eyes burn into her own. She’s caught in her orbit and sinking towards Anakin’s center, her desires, endlessly. 

“I’m going to make sure you and everyone else know that your tits are mine” Anakin begins to bite and suck blood red marks into the delicate skin of Obi-Wan’s chest. Every suck and nibble mingling pain and pleasure. She rubs her thighs together trying to get any stimulation on her aching cunt. 

Anakin seems to instinctively know her issue and changes her position to force her muscled thigh between the redhead’s own. Obi-Wan grinds up into the younger girl’s thigh and keens from how unbelievably good it feels. 

In her delirium, Obi-Wan clenches her eyes shut and  wonders how this turned so quickly. Here she is getting her tits sucked and bitten while howling like a loth-cat in heat. Rubbing up against a tween girl’s thigh. She hasn’t even ever been kissed yet. 

She glances down her chest at Anakin. Her cheeks are flushed , eyelashes fluttering upon her own cheeks and she’s grinding back against Obi-Wan’s thigh. Making insane sucking sounds and whimpering into Obi-Wan’s skin like she has been starved for years. 

The sight and sound brings Obi-Wan’s pleasure higher and higher. She’s so close to completion that the edges of her vision are fading. She’s light headed and hyper focused. The colors that make up Anakin turn vivid, they become her whole world. 

Obi-Wan grinds up for the last time as Anakin bites down on her right tit with enough force to break her skin.  She’s on fire, lit from the inside out, then split down the middle like a tree in a thunderstorm. 

The last thing Obi-Wan hears before the static takes over her senses is the high strung moan of Anakin as she sucks on the taste of blood from her body. 

Coming down from her orgasm, Obi-Wan slowly realizes her eyes are half lidded. Tears she didn’t know she shed are traveling down the sides of her face and into her hair. Her own hands are holding onto Anakin’s head. Caressing the sweaty tufts that are matted to the younger girl’s scalp.

Anakin is softly kissing her chest, and must have felt in the force that Obi-Wan can’t handle much more stimulation. The young girl is still rubbing herself  on Obi-Wan’s thigh. Small moans choked in the depths of her throat. 

Obi-Wan feels changed. She has seen those who have been struck by lightning. She feels so certain that if she were to look at herself in the mirror, under the suck marks and bruises that Anakin gave her, she would see her nerves stained into her skin. Showcasing the pathway of pleasure that Anakin burned into her. 

Anakin pulled back and looked at her handiwork. The mess that she’s made of Obi-Wan’s chest. “Hmmm I was wrong before. Now your tits are the prettiest thing I have ever seen. Covered in bruises and all mine” 

When her gaze locks again with Obi-Wan’s, the blonde’s eyes are still smoldering along with the desire that the redhead can sense from her in the force. Now that her brain is back in her body, she notices the bit of her own blood tinting Anakin’s mouth like lipstick.   

Anakin slides back up Obi-Wan’s body until their faces are centimeters apart. Obi-Wan is unable to tear her gaze away from the glistening lower half of Anakin’s face and the red lips that call to her like a siren. Anakin moves in and kisses Obi-Wan with her eyes open. The kiss is chaste and wet and only lasts a second. Anakin pulls back and licks her lips. “You taste so good everywhere Obi-Wan. Your spit is as sweet as the blood from your skin.” She then moves her hand to open Obi-Wan’s jaw to slip her tongue inside and taste her there too. Anakin glides her tongue everywhere she can reach and Obi-Wan kisses back, tongue out to meet the blonde’s and share the taste of the blood that clings there. 

Anakin sucks her tongue with a thirst that could only come from a girl who spent her formative years on a desert planet. She moans from the taste as Obi-Wan feels lightheaded, stars clouding her mind. The blonde pulls back from the kiss with Obi-Wan’s lower lip between her teeth. Reluctant to part with her, Anakin slowly lets her mouth go while sits back up. 

“Even though I still want to taste you, there’s something I want to do more. Stay where you are Obi-Wan.” Obi-Wan doesn’t think she could stand back up if she tried right now. Her muscles are still weak from the tension they were put through. 

Anakin stands up quickly and lowers her leggings and panties in the span of a few blinks of Obi-Wan’s eyes. She takes a single leg out of the clothing and is too hurried to do more than that as she kneels back down over Obi-Wan’s chest. Obi-Wan can’t help but stare at Anakin’s pussy in front of her. The girl doesn’t even have much pubic hair and her inner labia sticks out more than Obi-Wan’s own. Anakin is pink and wet and her clit is swollen with need. It’s the loveliest and most arousing sight that Obi-Wan has seen. 

“Obi-Wan push your tits together. I want to rub my cunt on your perfect, tight nipples.” Their labored breaths are the only noise surrounding them while Obi-Wan takes her own hands to squish her tits together for Anakin. She can’t deny that she wants this just as much as Anakin. To be wanted, to be owned by this girl who is just too much. This girl fated to bring balance to them all. 

Anakin spreads her thighs farther and lowers herself down to rest her overheated and wet pussy on Obi-Wan’s tits. She rocks back and forth then tilts her head back to moan high and breathy. Obi-Wan has to moan in response to the wetness of Anakin’s desire touching her where she’s so tender and bruised. “You feel so amazing Obi-Wan. So soft and so smooth, fuck.”

Anakin tilts her head back down to watch herself rub her pussy on Obi-Wan’s tits. She’s holding the tops of her robes up just under her own budding chest. The younger girl is whining and moaning with each rocking motion, her padawan braid swinging with her.

When Anakin changes her angle, her clit rubs up against Obi-Wan’s nipple and her moans get higher, louder. She keeps the position and tries to stay there making sure her clit continues its kiss upon Obi-Wan’s peaked nipple. The sight of her own areola completely enveloped by Anakin’s lower lips is almost too much to take. Obi-Wan feels herself ramping up again, wetness gathering in between her legs once more.

Obi-Wan has to look away, getting close to the edge just from the stimulation on her chest and the display of Anakin’s pretty cunt 

She looks up and becomes taken with watching the bunching of the girl's abdominal muscles and she works herself on top of her. Watching the sweat drip down the bumps and valleys of her torso and fall upon Obi-Wan. 

Obi-Wan’s mind gets stuck on how the sweat is another physical reminder of the younger girl’s hunger for her and how it mixes on her chest with Anakin’s slick. Complementing the pinks and purples of bruising that Anakin has painted onto her chest. 

Obi-Wan wants more, wants to drown in Anakin’s passion. Wants so much to taste the desire that is dripping out of Anakin’s body. “Anakin– ughh… let me taste you.” She feels herself flush again over the wantonness of her own words, but Anakin’s full bodied moan takes away most of the shame.

“Oh Obi-Wan, fuuuck. Look at you being a sweet schutta for me. Force, I want to sit on your unbearably pretty face so bad, but I need your tits more.” Anakin clenches her eyes shut and moans at the fantasy that must take place in her head. Her face pinkens and is so gorgeous that Obi-Wan’s senses leave her and she feels herself begging.

“Please, please Anakin. I need to taste you.” Obi-Wan opens her mouth and sticks her tongue slightly out, hoping and wishing that the sight will get her what she is craving. 

“Shit okay okay. Here, I’ll give you the taste you want.” Anakin lets the arm that was holding her tunics up, go loose and takes her fingers to plunge them into herself. Gathering her wetness from the source and taking her glistening fingers back out. 

Obi-Wan whines with her tongue out and her eyelids flutter when Anakin places her two fingers in her mouth. The flavor explodes within her, tasting musky and tart. She closes her mouth and sucks on Anakin’s fingers, not wanting to miss a single bit of the wetness that clings to them.

“Aaah, w-where are the– fuuuck, manners you always get on my ass about? What do you say?” 

“Thalk yew” Obi-Wan garbles out the words over and over with the fingers in her mouth. “Force, you are so perfect Obi-Wan, perfectly made for me.” Anakin takes her fingers and explores the cavern of Obi-Wan’s mouth. Obi-Wan keeps her cheeks hollow and her tongue slurping around the fingers, not wanting them to leave.

“Unngh, open your eyes and look at me Obi-Wan” Anakin keeps grinding on Obi-Wan’s tits and Obi-Wan opens her eyes, not knowing when she had closed them. When the two pairs of blue eyes meet, Anakin moves her unoccupied hand to hold onto Obi-Wan’s throat and then takes her fingers farther into Obi-Wan’s mouth making the elder girl tear up and gag.

“Fuuuuuck!” Anakin screws her eyes shut and comes on top of her. She continues rocking, but moves her fingers out to stop choking Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan suckles upon her hand until it finally leaves her mouth. 

When Anakin comes down from her orgasm, she scoots off backwards from Obi-Wan’s chest and sits backwards in the open V of Obi-Wan’s thighs. Obi-Wan is still breathing hard and finally lets go of her own tits that she had held together for Anakin. She takes an arm and places it over her eyes, unable to really believe what just happened.

“Look at you, you were soaking in your pants.” She swipes a thumb down Obi-Wan’s slit through her leggings. The touch immediately brings a fresh moan from Obi-Wan who is so close to coming a second time. “Oh you want more, don’t you Obi-Wan? Grinding against your tits and sucking my slick got you hot again huh?” 

“Yesss.. please” Obi-Wan’s voice cracks a bit on the words as Anakin places her palm on Obi-Wan’s mound and her thumb unerringly finds the elder girl’s clit. It only takes some slow, dragging circles from Anakin’s thumb for her to come again. Obi-Wan’s thighs close and trap Anakin’s hand in between, trying to keep her from moving away.

Obi-Wan slowly opens her legs as the tingling shocks start to die down. She lies there on the mat heaving and trying to get the stars out of her eyes. When she moves her arm and looks back down to where Anakin is, she notices the girl bringing her thumb to just under her nose and breathing it in deeply. The blonde’s shoulders dropping and head tilting up like she just can’t get enough. She sticks her thumb in her mouth and sucks off any lingering flavor. “Next time.”

Obi-Wan closes her eyes again and whimpers at the thought. She is not sure she will survive this girl who hungers and wants with all the power of the Force behind her. Obi-Wan lets out a sigh and basks in the feeling of satisfaction and ownership ringing out between them in the Force.

#obikin #anaobi #f/f #tiddyfuck #fic #mines #read on ao3