#i. i know why i want to cry and its because im hurt and im hurting and so many things that i dont allow myself to even think about

[eunkitarot]

Eunki can u make a post on how enhypen would react to their s/o crying because of them? Like how they would react and what they would do if they made their s/o cry?

So using tarot I would be telling yall what might happen and also fyi its not au😬 so im not gg to sugar coat it. I will read the reaction as it is.

DISCLAIMER : its tarot 💥energy shifts💥.

So with,

Heeseung

Ace Of Pentacles reversed

Right of the bat when he sees is SO crying because of him he would be worried. I can see him feeling bad but unsure how to approach his SO. He would be hesitant to make any more moves. He worries he would make it worse. He would show signs of stress or anxiety, such as a furrowed brow or tense posture. So I am seeing him standing there stuck and just thinking " What have I done? Have i gone too far? Why did I say that?" A million questions running through his mind. Because of this he may not even try to calm you down because he himself is having this inner crisis of trying to process what he just did.

Jay

Nine of Cups

Okay so with Jay, we need to see the reason you cry. Is it of happiness or sadness. Why did he make you cry? So if happiness he would give you a hug. Asking why are you crying? For eg he bought you a ring and you cry cause you are touched. He would be proud of how he makes you feel. He is happy to see you happy. Now if its sadness, Jay is someone that would instantly realise and approach you to apologise. He would calmly handle the situation with compassion trying to understand why are you crying. Overall, he would have this calm demeanor as if setting his foot down. Physically, he would put his shoulders around yours gently.

Jake

King Of Cups reversed

Ok for Jake he would panic. He would appear unsettled or inconsistent, reflecting his inner emotional turmoil. He would be restless or feel discomfort seeing you cry because of him. I can see him being shifty. Very dramatic, not calm at all. Its like the world ended when you cry. Massive amount of guilt crashing down on him. I can see him pacing back and forth. So usually i dont link to astrology but Jake is a scorpio venus and this card reversed is link to scorpio placements.

Astrologically, the King of Cups reversed as a person represents someone who is dealing with the challenging aspects of Scorpio or Pisces, like emotional hypersensitivity. These astrological influences may exacerbate their tendencies towards emotional extremes and difficulty in handling their deep emotional sensitivity.

Jake may feel its difficult to find a balance in his emotional life and developing healthier ways to express and manage his feelings. So yes, if he sees you cry he would panic to no end and he wont know how to handle how he feels , so he definitely can't handle yours.

Sunghoon

Eight of wands

Okay, for Sunghoon, he would react fast upon seeing you cry. So he would approach you and be like, " wait what happened? What did I say that made you cry?". So for eg, you're sitting and he is standing and then he sees you start crying, he would suddenly rush to your side asking " hey what's wrong? is it something that I said?" Grab a box of tissue asap and hug you. I think he is very straightforward. He would react accordingly. Quick decisions and rapid responds is what I am getting. And he would want to communicate with you right there and then to quickly clear the air. So yeah he would ask you as you cry. So that the situation wont get worst. He would want you to let it all out, even if you are angry at him.

Sunoo

Ace Of Swords

Okay so seeing you cry Sunoo would approach the situation clear-minded still. So even if youre crying, he wont be emotionally swayed by it but instead he would look at the situation as it is while comforting you. He would silently sit next to you as you cry giving you time to collect yourself. " let it all out and then tell me what happened" if he hurt you he needs to know why. So that he won't do it again. With this card , this is someone that goes straight to the heart of the matter. He wants a clear communication. Physically, he would sit beside you, and have this focused penetrating gaze on you. This whole demeanor could also reflect a bit of his guilt.

Jungwon

Four of cups reversed

Jungwon would reasses what he did. Seeing you cry he would come towards you with a gaze that become more focused and present. He would reach out for your hands looking into your eyes as if searching for answers as what did he say or do that makes you cry. A bit confused but he would be willing to figure it out. He would be open to whatever you want to say. Whether you want to scold him or reprimand him for what he did. Jungwon would be open to that because he is aware he hurt you. He would just accept it.

Ni-Ki

The magician reversed

Ok last but not least our maknae Ni-ki, alright right of the bat seeing you cry makes him feel insecure. Insecure of himself not being a great SO to you because he hurt you. He would start to doubt himself and question if he deserves you. Something about him not showing his true reaction to seeing you cry. So maybe in his head is its full blown chaos but outside he looks aloof. Like he don't care. Niki struggles to show how he really feels about the situation. So he would just stare at you and is just stuck.

💗Honest takes; take it with a grain of salt: tbh i like the way sunoo handle it. Something about being able to be present even if youre not being affectionate is so important to me. So yeah i like his approach the most.

I hope you like my read. Again its tarot, dont take it as an ultimatum. Enha boys are humans, and they constantly grow over time. Emotional maturity constantly evolve. And that people should realise your idols are not perfect and they too have red flags :)

#enhypen #enhypen tarot #heeseung tarot #enhypen heeseung #kpop tarot #enhypen jay #enhypen jake #sim jaeyun #enhypen sunghoon #sunghoon #park sunghoon #kim sunoo #enhypen sunoo #enhypen jungwon #enhypen niki #ni ki

[beomnoullitheorem]

Just wanna ramble but don't have any guts. That hurts a lot more than anything actually :)

#noulli's mushrooms #plus Im a little sad cause my mom told me so many bitter truths about me and my body #its truth so I need to accept it but it just hurts that she didnt feel like telling it before but breaks it to me in an argument #that shit hurts more than knwing it right away #apparently im too ugly for short hair so I aint going anywhere #and apparently if I dont study #im not going to get any pizza or garlic bread which makes me happy #that ks also because im so chubby and in indian beauty standards a skinny girl is prettiest #but shes been telling me to get skinny for years and I didnt do it but idk anynore #im too ugly and im a disappointment #she was so rude and bitter #i dobt know we argue everytime but today was just different #she was cold bitter and rude #so hurting and so rude... #idk i dont even feel like crying because i just dobt wanna show anyone my tears #and she doesnt even let me do a part time cause she wants me to stidy full time #and then make me feel like im a burden #ugh... im sorry if anyone reads this #actually im a student and Im always studying so I dont have a job and little things make me hapoy thats why i sound weird #please dont mind me #i just wanna rant

[lucyvaleheart]

.

#original #gggodss i just. wanna be held #i just wanna be held so badly #i want to curl up in someones arms i want them to hold me so close i want them to pet my hair #i want them to tell me everything will be okay i want to cry with them i want to just let myself be broken #cuz i am im so fucking broken i can't. pput into words how much everything hurts sometimes #i want to say all the time but its not true #its not all the time i just feel like it is because thep ast doesn't exist and neither does the future and #hhhhhhhhhhhh #i just. i just want to be wanted as usual damnit #just want to feel desired #want to feel pretty #wish i was pretty #i dont know why im so. fixated on that recently #i just. #.....mmirrors hurt #i dont want to see myself anymore #i cant look at myself anymore #everything hurts #everything hurts.

[caffeinatedopossum]

Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious #thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt #and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd #it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense #but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like #where as me and her obsess much more over morality #like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information #we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people #or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate #like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*) #they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers #theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person. #but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out #but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either #like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are #and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare #sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep. #sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done #sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me? #i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real #i guess what it kinda comes to do is #would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions #all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm #you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of #OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them. #trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world #your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen #theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed #your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for #instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed

[aroacesigma]

this is like . a genuine question because i really dont know . when it comes to teenage angst and all that , is it normal for your younger sibling to be physically incapable of going a single day without giving you a bitch face for asking them to help with the chore they just got told to help with (like . cleaning up the kitchen.) and then proceed to yell at you and make fun of you for asking more than once . like is this just the sort of thing that happens . every single day . because im not sure i can take this for another two years

#ramblings #just going to preface this by saying i am *fine* i promise #but i dont actually know how to explain how shitty she acts towards everyone in this family #and then she flips it around once you get pushed to breaking point and snap or yell #i dont know how much longer i can take from this because i jsut feel so intensely guilty #that i really want to just hurt myself . cause im the worst fucking brother int he world why am i making her upset this must be my fault #even if rationally i know its not #even if she isnt crying ! even if shes YELLING at me for asking her to do something that shes supposed to fucking do ! #i dont want to clean her fucking hair out of the drain its totally my right to ask her to do that right? #but then i feel AWFUL because she obviously doesnt want to and its my fault and really i deserve a lot of pain because of that #just going to reiterate that im fine i swear i just really needed to get this out somewhere sorry for the rambling #vent tw

[skyllion-uwu]

They should invent a me that feels real and doesn't self sabotage

#sky vents like amogus #im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo normal (lying) #legit i dont know what im supposed to do with myself. i dont see a future for me but i dont want to die. i just exist #i think about this one sci fi story a lot where the guy finds out everyone in the world is him and he is everyone in the world #reincarnated across timelines and bodies and every single person ever from good to evil has always. been. him. #i wonder if im that guy. why do i treat my current body and my past and future bodies so bad. do i even deserve to since so many of them #have the capacity to hurt themselves across history too. do i even try to break the cycle at this point. #or sometimes its like. im not real but everyone else is. i just inserted myself into this world and one day ill wake up and theyre all gone #if i found out that was true would i even do anything about it? could i get the courage to live knowing that it doesnt matter in the end #because i dont fucking exist. or would i just keep existing as i am now miserable because it doesnt matter in the end im not real #i feel like im gonna cry now. i thought too much #i dont wanna be needy and bothersome but. augh

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears #speaking against something that hurts #laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing #the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words. #i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it #but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do #but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at #inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that? #i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn #and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great #but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they #think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i #struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those #connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just #it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent #or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them #i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad #student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever #but its fine. ya kno #just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy #and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough #ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have #0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box #i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess #abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times #i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha #unrelated

[toastsnaffler]

tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(

#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever #and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!! #i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved #and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad #like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause #unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided #to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also #but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee #i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested #man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading #and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier #and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!! #i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago #and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man #u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever #insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc #ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone #gn #.vent

[ribcagewolf]

tw ed :[ sowwy

#tw ed #ack it isnt talked about enough how fucking bad eds are basically everybody i know has had one #tbf since moving to college i have realized that going to art school til gr 12 has put me in a very specific environment of mostly #people who are fucked up the same way i am #but like shit is killing a generation if youve seen the adolescent toronto psych wards jesus #its so so cruel and evil and having an ed is such a miserable existence bc #despite everything you stand against morally .. there is a bug in yr brain #and it is so difficukt to talk about because the nature of the disease is that you dont wanna quit!! so theres always a sense of pride in #talking abt the struggles #anyways #trying not to cry thinking about how im probably not gonna live past 30 #i havent been able to keep food down in three days fuck this shit my body is so ruined my body is so fucjed #and im in recovery before turning 18!! im lucky!! #i hate it im already aware of it but it feels almost roo late sometimes #fuck dance industry fuck eds fuck addiction whatevr #mad bc stomach ache literally it #im just grumpy cuz tummy hurts #laying in bed chewing carrots very slowly :-(((((( i want to enjoy yummy food i was to est mac and cheese w out vomiting #if u have an ed you have my sympathies and kill that shit before you hurt someone else bc it is a lame ass way to die #i cant function without so many meds arggg why do they literally groom us for like. early death. mad. mad. tummy hurtx

[atnaturesmercy]

my brain is actually broken and irreparable. im never going to escape the broken record bathtub drain. i despise it. i almost convinced myself i was a person. no, fuck, i did. i actually want to be taken out back and shot like a lame horse. i'm about to snap and have a nervous paranoid-psychotic breakdown. everything is hilarious, nothing has consequences. plaything. doll. pet. mommy's little helper. hm. tired of keeping it all together. not tired because i want to spiral (i don't), but tired because of the effort it's taking. when the fuck will it pay off. things like that. im like five coffees in trying not to day drink

#i'm not even suicidal and i would have no right to be because nothing happened so like ... why do i feel so numb #you know when you have a brain injury and you're like wow. i'm not supposed to think/process information like this? but you can't stop? #like you feel the brain damage? #she says my hands are the gentlest things and i'm very deliberate and slow and it's like ... yeah... #i can't hurt people. i'm not a sadist. i'm always so afraid i'll get people sick if i get close to them #like whatever fucked me up indefinitely will rub off on them #i can't be a person anymore but i don't ... i hate having abnormal behaviors #i dissected my burger in front of my parents yesterday and my dad asked if he cooked it wrong #and like ... ive never ever shown him how i eat i always feign normalcy #and it was just too hard and then i had to cover up and say no its fine because i almost hurt his feelings #and i just picked at it and he asked me if im getting enough calories in and im like fuck dude if i know #but nothing happened like because if something DID happen there would be no damage control #i would want to die. i promised myself that. i would kill myself. when i got my period for the first time in two years #i cried for ten hours it was like... great. like losing childhood all over #but i'm happy and well adjusted my brain just doesn't work it keeps forgetting things... randomly crying ... images wont leave #i cant even focus on numbers because i don't know the date #all of my dates and timeline in my head they're fucked up. and i know the dates for everything #i know the dates for everything that has ever happened in my life #i'm about to have a nervous breakdown but i'm also so chillax about everything

[lemontoad-old]

.

#going to vent here bc too heavy stuff to directly relay on my friends but im in the uk so i cant just get a therapist #anyway #i have become. so insanely depressed recently. bc my physical health has been declining and thats also taking a mental toll on me #i dont use depressed lightly. ive been officially diagnosed with clinical depression before and then it was gone for about a year #but boy oh boy its Back #and all my mental problems came back bc my physical health decided to just peace out. and now my mental and physical health are making- #each other worse #physically i have become so tired 24/7 that i just cant do anything other than work (because i need that to live) #and i dont know why! my body just stopped having energy! for months and months now. ive just been working and being in pain and sleeping #<- but also having insomnia so more like laying in bed and watching something to not die of boredom #i dont even work that much anymore. just my contracted hours. and i can see my coworkers handle it fine. they have time and energy to do- #things they want to do and not just live to work. but thats all im doing bc the moment im off the clock im taking my cane out to limp home- #and collapse in bed #i have a doctors appointment on thursday and if they tell me that its just from stress or smth im going to flip #bc no it fucking isnt!! theres no stress in my life other than the fact that my health is giving up #sure yeah my mental health is crap BECAUSE of the fatigue and the pain. not the other way around. so order some tests or i will kill #im already getting myself worked up bc ive been waiting a month and half just for this gp appointment #and i know theres a good chance they are going to wave it off with some stupid excuse instead of actually trying to find out whats wrong #if i dont get medical attention to solve this i might legit just off myself. im barely living as is. work is not living. i want to cry 24/7 #everything hurts so much

[bluinary]

Waking up crying because after 2 years of grinding and understudying I was called back to play a real lead for a renowned director (me out of 3 girls total) and I lost the role to a girl who just auditioned here for the first time. The worst part is that I am also her understudy for the show before that!

#and it feels like no one actually gives a fuck. im being constantly invalidated #“thats showbiz” bitch this is a community theatre that prides itself on fairness #im not saying I shouldve just gotten the role bc ive been there. either role. #i am saying though that playing a fucking lead has historically been treated like a privilege. #because it can lead to huge opportunities once ppl see you that way #and tbf I nailed the callback. even the girl cast (whos also my new friend) said honestly she was sure it was me. #before i was even called back i had fellow actors saying id be perfect for it #i know why he cast the other girl. there are multiple reasons. #but honestly her reasons and mine weigh much the same. and she just got there. #im emphasizing SHE JUST GOT THERE #she even told me she just wanted to be involved #this is the 2nd time this has happened to me and im really fucking sick of it. #and now that ive regained some weight.....who tf else will cast me #i dont want to have to go all ED again i dont have the money or energy #also I cant dance very well. at least not in callbacks. i always forget what move comes next and i bomb it. #anyway. now im waking up crying. and its coming from a selfish place so no one is here to give a fuck. #this is the worst position to be in lmfao. if i have feelings about something im the villain and a diva. #i have to be “humble” but oh!! dont be down on yourself either!! have pride!! #this month has sucked so bad. #blu babbles #also. shes really good! but shes absolutely not THAT good lmfao. her presence is awesome and she dances well #and her voice is really nice! shes a triple threat but like. all areas are just *at* the bar yknow? #for me ive been told my acting is also at the bar my dancing is just below the bar and my voice is way above the bar. #shes been asking me for tips on singing and no one also seems to see how that feels like twisting the knife. #ik its not intentional. shes just naive. but it still hurts. it hurts really really bad. #im like @ god if you want me to have faith and confidence in myself why are you making me into a loser #first i lose my ex. then my car gets fucked up. also its been cloudy for 2+ weeks so depression. then i gain weight. #now i lose BOTH roles i was called back for. #i dont even want to go to rehearsal today. what the hell do they need me for.

[i-deserve-to-bite]

Hrmmm

#its hard to get out of character when i put myself in it for a bit it is #bluhh #causes a bit of identity ow? i think thats why we had bad burst of negativity #we werent really fully prepared to take on a character that and #stuff with ruin. more bad interactions recentlt #we're scared he hates us eurgh #i feel very scattered #this is awful augh #i think i will cry #but ehenever i say i'l cry i tend to not actually its only qhen i say i AM crying am i truly crying and then bluhhh #i judt feel very down and bad and i want to be held #i wish i could be touched in a way that wasnt scary i wish my arms werent so?? #i feel like everything is stingy burning hurts i dont know #i dont want to be near any sharps because thats scary #ah #otnight is not a veryngood night this isnt fun thos is bad #its weird i dont see my face in on anything i cant fully #picture it ?? others havw tried to make little thingies of it and i just #aghh #i dont know!! im just #bluh

[sig-was-here]

for a certain someone if he ever even sees this! not that he's obligated to read this obviously but yunno yeah its here incase to elaborate on things

gonna unpin this after a while

#tw vent #vent #ok now that those tags are out the way #ive thought about donating to you for a really long time because frankly its the only way #i could even fathom making any of what i did right #im obviously ashamed of how i behaved like #you already heard me sob and cry about how guilty i felt #which #yunno was useless from me #ive done a lot of thinking especially on like #why that happened #because i know that i didn't want to hurt you but #i was a coward frankly because i wasn't willing to pour out my heart for you in the same way you did #and when my attraction changed i was too cowardly to communicate it #and the whole time i was a coward #and im sorry that you taught me to love myself before i was taught how to love another #as much as i'd like for you to message me GOD you are NEVER obliged to ever if you don't want #keep me blocked for as long as you wish!! #message me for money and then block me again!! idc #i just want to do SOMETHING after 3 years of doing nothing #im always gonna admire you and thank you for making me who i am today #you practically saved my life and i wouldn't be on antidepressants and in uni if not for you #because of that you're always free to just take money when you need it #i have it to spare and you deserve it for getting me where i am today even when i didn't reciprocate and when i didn't deserve it #you don't need to message me at all #but yeah #im ashamed it took me so long to realise why i behaved the way i did #and sure i was young and in a shitty home situation #but so were you. so i have no excuse #and if you don't want my money that's also okay

[yellowbentley]

im glad everyone else on earth had a good holiday and new years i am still grieving and in horrible agony and i will be for quite possibly years to come. cheers.

#pretty sure my mom thinks ive gotten over it because i played trivia tonight #i just know my parents will bother me if i dont do shit and i cant be assed to find the energy to argue with them #i miss my girl. so much. every day. i want her back. #i cant stomach the thought of going on without her. i cant. even typing this 43 minutes to midnight makes me feel nauseous #it feels like leaving her behind #i want her here with me #i cry every night and i barely sleep and i barely eat and doing any hobbies feels like a violation of her #why love anything. whats the point #im petty and im angry and im selfish and i want my cat back #its not just that shes dead. its that they cremated her against my wishes so i dont even have a body to grieve over #i cant talk to her anymore. shes just not even in the world anymore. my best and only friend isnt even bones. #it isnt right. it isnt meant to be right #one of the reasons i stopped trying to kill myself every few months was because if i went she would look for me and now its swapped #its collaselly incorrect #thats spelt wrong but idgaf #im hurting. thats it. she took part of me with her #i dont want to be in a world where she isnt #i miss her. so much. so so so so so much. #adventures #it isnt fair #this is so awful to say and i know it doesnt work like this im not the main character etc but also like #since the 5th its just been a perpetual -how dare you be happy and be celebrating the holidays when shes gone- #i would give absolutely anything to go back to before it happened #anything #fucking anything in the universe and beyond #i dont believe in the afterlife or spirituality or god or any of that shit. none of it. but i hope i get to see her again #my dad was yacking about getting a new cat and its just like. just shut up. for the love of god shut up #even the night we were at the fucking vet he said we could get another cat. fucking disgusting. i dont want another cat i want HER #when we got her in 2012 i was so mad. i didnt want a cat. i locked myself in my parents room and screamed #if we get another cat im going to hate the poor thing. hang on ive hit 30 tags i need to reblog this and keep going

[audiovisualrecall]

Dental work especially root canal treatment are common causes of tmj dysfunction, which is also a very common thing. Symptoms match 100% with what I'm dealing with, its called acute tmjd. Exercises meant for treatment of TMJD have been working well at relieving pain and starting to heal the strain which is what occurs when u have tmjd.

Dad: but it Could be the infection from ur tooth spread and that's what this is

Me: no, because xyz

Ma, who sent me the exercises for tmj pain, and has so far agreed w me: it Could be that it's from the infection, too

*ragequit*

#why the FUCK DO YOU GUYS THINK THIS IS IN ANY WAY HELPFUL????? #i already TOLD YOU i was anxious that it could jave spread but also this very much fits the bill for tmj lain and Not infection related ffs #but again i told u im anxious that my difficulty taking the antibiotic at the correct dose has made problems #i KNOW!!!!!!! i know the fucking risk of not taking enough antibiotic i fucking KNOW #I'm WELL AWARE AND AFRAID THAT IVE SCREWED MYSELF #but ive finally figured out a way to Not be in as much agonizing pain all fhe time! ive finally managed to try stretching and managed to do #some heat and ice on my jaw today #i didnt cry or even whine much at all #i may not need to take an advil tonight! #because the stretches HELP! why would they help if it was just an infection??? #tmj responds well to this bc its a joint and muscle combo in ur body and it became inflamed/strained/locked #needs to be relaxed and massaged and stretched until it 'cracks' and the dysfunction is resolved #and beyond any of that. telling me u think its an infection thats spread all along my jaw? #that is NOT HELPFUL and is in fact TERRIFYING!!!!!! #like its not like theres anything i can DO about it if thats the fucking case! #i took one pill earlier and I'll take another tonight and i didnt have to take fhe one at 4 but i wanted to at least do 2 today after i #forgot this morning's and yesterday morning's #but excuse me for having difficulty swallowing pills and anxiety abt it #and also anxiety abt the antibiotic messing up my stomach bc they do that to me #and again i cant rlly do anything if the infection got that bad that fast (it didnt hurt until after the endodontist on Thursday - it #started hurting friday specifically) so thats 3?4? days ago? that would b an incredibly bad infection to spread fhat much in 3 or 4 days #in which cause amoxicillan is not strong enough against it anyway my guy #eveb at full dose #besides which i wont KNOW until friday wjen tbey do xray or whatever before starting work #or until after theyre done maybe #like. #all you've done by mentioning that idea is make me anxious and angry #and feel like my understanding of what's going on is invakid and u know better thn i do #like i feel invalidated and dismissed #its dismissive.