#idk. i just dont feel like i'll ever have a real life. i'll never have what i dream abt (which isnt even much. just love.. just love lmao)

[silenthillbunni]

📓🖊️

#maybe maybe one day i'll be ok?? #maybe i'll manage to get my high school diploma #maybe i'll get a student housing apartment in another city. maybe i can study to become a pre school teacher... #(not my dream job but the only job that seems possible for me) #maybe i'll be able to work on my anxiety and avpd and become more calm #maybe i'll be able to exercise the way i want nd become physically strong #maybe i'll be brave enough to try apps to make girl friends i can hang out with??? #maybe i'll get back into writing nd posting it. maybe i'llhave more fun w insta and taking photos again?? #maybe i'll fix my relationship w my sisters nd talk to them again?? #maybe if im lucky i'll meet someone who i fall in love w who falls for me too? maybe someone will one day choose to be with me?? #maybe i can get a real apartment nd have a job? maybe i can even live w a partner one day? and maybe i'll have friends? #maybe i wont be all alone forever?? maybe i wont feel this alienated nd isolated for my entire life?? #maybe maybe maybe my life can be alright....? can it really be? #i dont have much hope. but maybe??? plz plz plz let it be so let it be so #and maybe for now.. as im lower than i've ever been before.. #maybe i just need to be able to eat more normally again. then i can have my coffe chocolate moments w youtube #and i can watch kdramas nd have dinner. which are two moments that make me feel ok nd calm #<<< i feel ashamed abt it but comforting eating is a thing for me. im gnna be alone 4ever anyway so might aswell just accept thats how i am #so yeah maybe maybe i'll start feel a bit better when i can disconnect from everything nd just get immersed in a kdrama nd have dinner lmao #idk. i just dont feel like i'll ever have a real life. i'll never have what i dream abt (which isnt even much. just love.. just love lmao) #so then i can daydream nd live by reading books nd watching kdramas nd tv shows nd also write a lot #but ofc in my freetime bc i need a job w a stable income nd my own apartment. even if i dont love my job i need one that i can be ok with

[bingoboingobongo]

update/rant post:

look ik i said i wasn't going to write smut or anything explicit anymore but idk okay. essentially i got outed as a smut/fanfic writer and now my parents know and i just don't know what to do anymore and i can't even open my stupid google doc that i use to write all my fics without feeling like im being monitored and im gonna get in even more trouble. but i want my series to have smut so bad not because im horny or smthing but because that's the emotional climax and that's the peak of vulnerability and that's where the character development goes but right now i don't even feel safe opening tumblr or my stupid doc bc im so scared that my parents are going to see this and i just don't know what to do and im so mad because i was finally getting comfortable with my sexuality and all of this and it's all been ruined in a day and i feel like i can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore and i feel like im wearing a stupid scarlet letter and im just scared and i don't want people to know me as this i wanted this to be private but i was too stupid and now it's not and i just want to go back to when things were private and secret and nobody knew. and it sucks because i love writing so much but it just feels like it's been tainted because my mom literally made me show her everything i wrote and i don't even know anymore and i just want to be able to write without feeling like im looking over my shoulder and i can't and i can barely even look at myself in the mirror anymore and i have stupid tests that i need to study for tomorrow and instead im crying and writing this and i don't even know what to do i just wish this could've stayed a secret forever. and it sucks to hear my mom diminish this and act like ive committed the most heinous act ever and i just feel so crushed and so annoyed and so paranoid because none of my safe spaces feel safe anymore and im so terrified that somehow my mom's gonna find this post even though she said she doesn't know my username i feel like i can't trust her anymore and idec if my sister reads this anymore bc i just want someone real that i know to talk to me about this and this sucks and i can't do this anymore. and i feel like such a disappointment to all of you guys if i just suddenly stop putting smut in the series because it's not even like me wanting to put it in there for pornography reasons it's there for the story and i don't know if i can do that and i just feel like im not doing my story justice but im so scared to do because i don't want to get in even more trouble and i just wish none of this happened. i just want my safe spaces to feel safe again because writing was so therapeutic for me it was so fun to just methodically create a word and know that i had taken a blank page and actually created something and that was my coping mechanism that was what i did and before my doc used to bring me so much pride and now i can't even look at it without being terrified.

#depressed #bingoboingobongo.com #update #rant #rant post #< sorry im freaking out so much #i just feel so crushed #like i just want to be able to write again #but im so scared even though i know theres no way for them to see it now #but i cant trust that and i feel like im being watched all the time #i just wanted one thing to be private and now way more people know than i ever wanted to #sorry guys im probably just being overdramatic #idk im just frustrated and sad and paranoid #i just want to be able to write again #i dont want people i know in real life to look at me and know that i've written this stuff #and don't get me wrong im proud of what i wrote because i was pushing my own boundaries and i was creating something #but i just wanted to be proud in private #and i know that all the people problems will blow over in like a week and then we have winter break anyways #but idk im scared i'll never be able to open my doc again without being scared #and obvi i can start a new one but it just won't be the same #idk man #i just want a break from all this

[kaisfruit]

Hi! how's your day going?

I'd like to request the ninja from Ninjago and an older sibling reader if that alright? You know just cute fluffy days with siblings.

Ninjago Older Sibling!Reader Headcanons <3

A/N; Ahhh hi!!! my day is good ty <3 tysm for this ask this is so cute 🥺🥺 i hope u dont mind hcs, but if u do feel free to ask again and i'll gladly make smthn longer :] jus thought hcs fit the vibe

warnings; none! just fluff <3

Kai and Nya

Absolutely the most chaotic sibling trio

Nya constantly getting upset with you and Kai for playing the "i'm the older sibling" card

Nya: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GUYS DIDN'T SAVE A PIECE FOR ME?

You and Kai: older siblings get cake first that's just the rule. sorry <33

But Kai gets just as upset as she does when you do it to him

You guys all love each other though so it's okay

Just the vibes of being their older sibling would be the most competitive basic sibling rivalry type stuff yk

Lloyd

Constantly doting over him

You might as well be his parental figure since MISAKO AND GARMADON WERE THE WORSTTTTT

You and Kai take turns mother henning him

You and Kai are bffs btw like. I don't make the rules. Kai is just his adoptive older brother in my head, so you two bond over caring for Lloyd

Definitely his comfort person after a long day <3

You're the one Lloyd trusts the most in his life and he isn't scared to tell you his fears because, despite any assumed sibling teasing, he knows you'll take him seriously on that regard

Jay

You guys make annoying each other a full time job

Constantly fighting over who the favorite is

Y/N: At least I help out at the junkyard!!

Jay: I'm literally out saving the world everyday!!!

*aggressive slap fight ensues*

OMG no. he's definitely the younger sibling to pull the rapid fire kick tactic

His elemental abilities go out the window when y'all fight. Just straight up, falls on his back and starts kicking up at you

All fun n games until you're able to catch one of his legs

You totally embarrass him as much as you can in front of Nya too

As Jay's older sibling, you're legally obligated to be Cole's bestie since Cole is Jay's bestie. you guys lovingly torment the lightning user together <33

Cole

The most chill sibling duo to ever exist

you both didn't appreciate Lou's insistence of the singing and dancing shit so y'all just decided to be ride or dies for life

much like cole, you get along so well with the rest of the ninja

idrk what to say here

nvm i do

You guys play video games with each other and you are infinitely salty at the fact that your younger brother is better than you at most video games

like wtf? isn't it supposed to be a god given right for all older siblings to be better at video games???? the FSM screwed you!!!

but you've never let him live down the one time he lost to you at super smash bros

you have refused to play with him since

Zane

See, idk if you'd be his ACTUAL sibling yk since he's a robot? maybe more like you were supposed to be a protege to dr. julien, but decided to just be a 4 lyfer with zane after his passing

you've helped zane understand human culture so much and he's real appreciative of your existence

the ninja absolutely fucking ADORE when you're around because what's better than one zane? TWO ZANES !!!

well, obviously you're your own person but! i could see zane adopting a lot of your mannerisms so you two end up being very similar

quality time is y'alls bread and butter

working around each other perfectly as y'all both cook in the kitchen

words never need to be shared between the two of you. just hanging around the other is enough yk? like y'all are bonding just by existing near each other and it is magical

ANOTHER A/N; i tried my best to highlight reader being the older sibling but </3 idk if i did it that well. i saw "sibling fluff" and RAN!! im willing to do a pt 2 or like a one shot or anything with a prompt similar to this !! im the youngest sibling myself tho so idk if i can properly portray being an older sibling (only in a mean light. yk like greg heffley and rodrick. do NOT recommend having older siblings y'all /j)

#ninjago headcanons #ninjago #kai smith #nya smith #jay walker #zane julien #cole brookstone #lloyd garmadon #ninjago kai #ninjago nya #ninjago jay #ninjago cole #ninjago zane #ninjago lloyd #lego ninjago #reader insert #gender neutral reader #sibling reader #ninjago x reader

[wing-dingy]

Remember when I said I wasn't gonna post fanfics? I lied. I'm gonna post just this one as an excuse to have some Johnshi in my life but also because its rare I write a fic that isnt a self indulgent oc fic

This is just a lil fic where Kenshi comforts Johnny after a stunt on set leaves him with an injured ankle, mostly cute banter. Also sorry if the formatting looks weird, i dont normally post fics to tumblr so idk how to space my paragraphs like I do on google docs.

Click. Step. Click. Step.

The Hollywood actor carried himself on his crutches across the room, from the door to his living room couch, where he saw Kenshi waiting in anticipation.

“Honey, I'm home,” Johnny announced in a parody of those old movies, how he loved his dumb movie references.

“Doesn't sound like good news. Are those crutches?” Kenshi asked, judging by the sound and the patterns of the sound. Though he usually relied on Sento for sight, he hardly ever felt the need to in a casual setting, so it rested in the mantle above the fireplace.

“Yeup. Doc says I'll need ‘em for a few weeks, a month at most.”

Kenshi crossed his arms and leaned back on the couch. “Was that stunt still worth it?”

Johnny snorted, “Totally, the shot came out perfect! You may not know this, but I do all of my own stunts. Impresses everybody when I tell them that!” He dropped a small paper bag of his prescribed painkillers on the coffee table and sat next to Kenshi, wincing as he lifted his ankle to rest it on the same table.

“Aren't stuntmen used so the real actors don't get hurt?”

“I mean- yeah. But don't worry, they're just gonna film everything else until I come back, which should be in no time. I'm just built different.”

Kenshi could just hear the cocky smile, causing him to shake his head in disbelief, but he couldn't hold back the small bit of laughter at Johnny’s pride and confidence. “Alright, but it looks like it's my turn to take care of you again.”

“Don't sweat it, Ken doll, I can take care of myself. You've already helped me enough, and you've got yourself to look after,” He noted all too seriously. Obviously there still rested some guilt in his heart over Mileena's rabid attack that day.

“That ankle needs to rest. That movie needs you and you need the money from it.” Undeniable. Johnny was still getting back on his feet (not literally now) after a messy and expensive divorce, he needed whatever work he could get at the moment. “You just let me know when you need something.”

Johnny sighed as he looked down at his injured ankle. These next few weeks were going to be the most boring while of his life.

Kenshi seemed to know Johnny wasn't feeling so good by the sudden quietness, not even a silly request from his offer. When Johnny of all people was quiet, there was a problem. “Johnny? You alright?”

“Yeah… I've just never been good at sitting still and doing nothing, you know? Now I can't even use my own pool in my living room,” He complained, as if having a pool in the living room was a normal thing.

“Come on, Johnny, you still have a whole mansion. Unless your attention span really is that small, you're not gonna get bored,” Kenshi lovingly poked at him. “It’s not like you're alone either.”

Johnny noded with a small smile of comfort. “That's right, I've got you, my best friend, boyfriend, and assigned FBI agent,” Johnny joked. Gods, not again with the assigned FBI agent meme. “And hey, maybe we can invite Kung Lao and Raiden over to hang out. You think Liu Kang would wanna drop by?”

Kenshi gave an amused smirk. “Probably not, but Kung Lao, might.”

Johnny looked down at the table again, spotting a marker. He groaned and wheezed as he leaned over to grab it, trying not to move his ankle off the table as his finger tips barely touched the marker.

“Johnny what are you-” Before he could finish his question, he felt a marker tapping against his hand.

“You wanna be the first to sign my cast?” Johnny offered, trying to play it off cool but his excitement was slipping past in his voice.

“You mean Hollywood’s megastar wants my autograph?” Kenshi teased. He took the marker into his hand, and Johnny guided his hand down to his cast. Confidently, Kenshi began writing his name.

“Not bad writing for someone who can't really see,” Johnny complimented, meaning it obviously and trying to make it sound like that rather than a mockery.

“I still know the motions of writing, that's enough to get by.” Of course Johnny hadn't seen Kenshi's messier writing at his job and maybe it should stay that way.

The real surprise was the small heart he drew right below his own name. Kenshi wasn't so into PDA, nor into cutesy stuff like that, so it caught Johnny off guard to see the small display. It wasn't like people didn't know they were dating, Johnny was way too into showing off their love and too loud to keep that secret, but it was rather that Kenshi was a more subtle lover when it came to their relationship, preferring to keep things behind doors. Still, it was a nice surprise, and at least now it made the cast way better to look at! Of course Johnny was already pulling out his phone to snap a photo of it to post to his socials.

“You're posting your cast, aren't you?” Kenshi reasonably accused.

“Gotta let the fans know production might be on hold.”

“Is that it? Or are you bragging about us again?”

Johnny snickered, meaning Kenshi was right. “Okay, you got me, but how can I not show you off? You're the coolest! A blind swordsman? Dating Hollywood's biggest hit? We're like a power couple!”

If Kenshi still had his eyeballs, he'd be lovingly rolling them, but admittedly it was kind of cute seeing how enthusiastic Johnny was about their relationship- and kind of funny to think about considering they were previously rivals over Sento.

Kenshi leaned in to press a kiss to Johnny's cheek, and he could feel the wrinkles of a smile under his lips. “Looks like you're feeling better about that ankle.”

“As long as I have you by my side, this injury is gonna be a breeze!” Now it was Johnny's turn to lean in, this time leaning to rest his head on Kenshi with closed eyes and a content smile. Kenshi reciprocated by wrapping an arm around Johnny to hold him. “Shit, that medicine they gave me is starting to catch up.”

“You get sleepy off of a couple Tylenols,” Kenshi playfully quipped, making Johnny laugh.

“Just saying it's a good excuse to nap on you! Unless you're gonna tele-fling me to bed again.”

Kenshi shook his head. “Maybe when your ankle isn't as broken. Right here is fine, just keep your ankle up.”

“Sweet,” Johnny happily murmured as he felt himself starting to doze off. Damn, Tylenol really did knock him out.

#mortal kombat #kenshi takahashi #johnny cage #johnshi #[sweating] im so nervous about posting this hfnckf

[slexenskee]

hi! if you dont mind me asking, what was satoru's relationship with suguru? bcuz, any of the jjk characters are barely mentioned in the book, ive always wondered satoru's relationship with all of them, like is it more canon based or more fanon, like was sugusato ever a thing? or, is hawks the first real relationship gojo's ever had? were nanami and gojo closer? idk, i just have always wondered lol. sorry for any inconveniences.

So I'm going with canon for most relationships bc they're just too hard to guess. JJK spoilers below!

Suguru:

So I tried to stick with canon for Suguru although I do play up the ambiguity in their canon relationship. For example we have that scene in JJK0 where Satoru says something to Suguru but we don't know what it is, but fans sort of assume it's some kind of explicit acknowledgment of their feelings for each other. In my verse idk I imagine he says something like 'you were always the best part of me' or something that's still vague and hints at romantic feelings but could still be intimate and just platonic.

I characterize their relationship as deeply intimate but not ever explicitly romantic. They definitely had romantic tension but it remained unspoken between them as teenagers, and then after the SPV arc Suguru went off the rails and kinda pulled away from Satoru and ultimately they never had the chance to start any kind of romantic relationship.

So they were never in love but they absolutely could have been/should have been, fate just got in the way.

Nanami:

Were they close??? It really doesn't seem like it outside of the OP/ED credits of S2. And in the recent manga chapters I feel like Satoru didn't mourn him much at all (or he could just be so shocked by all the deaths he hasn't managed to acknowledge them) In fact I kind of assumed canon Nanami lowkey hated Satoru, and only begrudgingly considered him a sorcerer worthy of respect after many years of knowing him?

Shouko:

BOY do I have some thoughts on this. In canon they give off the 'old acquaintances that have grown close by virtue of the fact they're the only two left but still aren't actually that close'. Like they obviously have a rapport/history in S1, but we don't see Shouko being particularly friendly to him in canon. She's friendlier than Utahime and Mei Mei for sure, but she doesn't seem like a confidant or a close friend. We don't get much of her in the SPV arc - could go either way that she was closer to him as kids or they were just classmates who spent a lot of time together and became close because they just lived in each other's pockets but otherwise wouldn't have been friends. The OP/ED for S2 would imply they were all good friends, but I don't consider that canon. That's just Mappa twisting the knife 😭

Tbh I hope they were never really close, bc otherwise I'd really dislike her. Suguru just snapped and became a serial killer and turned traitor, and Satoru was sent to assassinate him, and you as someone who was close to both of them just what... roll with it? There's that scene in ch 78 where she sees Suguru in Shinjuku and she's just like "oh hey Suguru, bff I've spent the past 3 years of my life hanging out with, what's up? Yeah I'll have a light. Oh so you really did mass-murder that whole village AND murder your parents? Cool. Yeah I don't feel like dying today so I'm gonna call Gojo to deal with you, peace out" and she just doesn't seem to give much of a fuck about Suguru or Satoru. In a way I think would be impossible if she genuinely cared about them. Or idk, maybe everyone in JJK was fucked up.

Megumi:

This is another canon relationship that makes me go ??? It's not specified whether Gojo actually takes Megumi in or just has legal guardianship of him and leaves him to his own devices. It seems more the latter, bc in all the Tsumiki flashbacks, Gojo is never there or even ever really mentioned.

And as of current manga he doesn't seem particularly torn up about Megumi's situation, and seems (although he could be bluffing) totally accepting of the fact he might have to kill Megumi to stop Sukuna. If you raised a kid with love and care for years - the way I see him doing with Eri - I cannot fathom how you'd compartmentalize like that.

idk these are just my personal headcanons for this fic. I've seen fanon versions of all these relationships that are really fleshed out and impressive and go either way sooo 🤷‍♀️

#fic may death never stop you #ask

[poorly-drawn-puppet-history]

you won't post 1 headcanon for every puppet. you wont

i WILL. AND i'll do it in chronological order from appearance (more or less). but it will be under a readmore after the first season so i dont interrupt anyones scrollin

The Professor: i think in addition to growing a bit from Dino DNA(tm) he also has feathers now. just some feathers in there with his fur. maybe even molts and is miserable about it

Death: he plays guitar And piano, but just as a hobby. he's like a salaryman who had a garage band as a teenager and never fully gave up on the dream

Propeller: propeller SADSTUCK: i think he legitimately had to go to therapy for the britannica shit that happened. PH feels like it would be that realistic about mental health tbh

Big Pile of Diamonds: his mustache is fake. his greatest secret. his greatest shame.

God: he actually really likes to dance! unfortunately next 2 no one will do it since... The Incident

Train: does he not have a better name... maybe put a mr. in front of there... anyway he feels betrayed by the U.S. since they gave up the train model for highways/interstates and the motorcar industry. gets REALLY heated about it

Mt. Vesuvius: has a bunch of speeches given by famous latin authors and orators memorized, but sometimes he mashes them up without realizing/misattributes which one was written by whom. old man moments

Hatshepsut's Goose: can't remember what their gender was in life. that's fine, they love being a nonbinary icon. AMAB (Assigned Mummy at (em)Balming)

Clipped Coin: dodges the spool's wrath by being unflappable and so down to earth despite his apparent success. truly the king of staying in his own lane

Olympic Torch: hes a cranky piece of shit and only really enjoys sporting competition. he was complaining about being in the group puzzle photo so god just picked him up and he went ffffffffffine. okay. ill smile for 2 seconds

Gay Oars: i think they Also went to therapy, mostly relationship counseling, and now they are back and better than Ever. unbreakable bond. im abt to pen a whole ass comic series about them getting married in purgatory

Policarpa's Spool: still thinks of himself as a spy type, but there's only so much spying he can do in... purgatory. of course, his primary nemesis is the treasure chest.

Lake Donner Snowman: idk if this counts as a headcanon per se but in my very short list where i recast the puppets as famous singers, he is ABSOLUTELY voiced by Weird Al Yankovic.

St. Nick's Wet Bones: sort of taking the whole purgatory thing in stride. he kinda feels like he's in retirement! now he's a minor agent of chaos who's looked after by his darling Pickle Boys

Beast of Gevaudan: i was so sad when the infinitiger wasn't real, i wanted them to have a cooking show together so badly and destroy the horse's self-esteem. i love him. hes so abominably french

Stool of Gold: well-traveled, well-read, literally just as sensible as the Book or the Oars, but finds the chaos entertaining to spectate.

Ziryab's Oud: I think that the puppets have divvied up the whole Wondrium Arena and all have designated Living Areas, and he has a whole dressing room filled with shitty costumes he can't even wear. every time someone knocks he answers like hes on MTV's Cribs.

Bye Bye Brothers: they live in the orchestral pit and treat it like a secret lair. only other Murderer Puppets are allowed in. EXCLUSIVE club

Flower Boat: GNC Icon. this is a flower boat stan account. jenuinely a wholesome, emotional vessel doing their best to pitch in.

Molasses Horse: you can wash him as much as you want, that shit always just comes back somehow. the book theorizes it's psychosomatic at this point, since they're technically only souls at this point.

Tiny Piece of Wheat: bro i bet they went through SUCH phases after finding out about the professor's death. like all five stages of grief and then four more that have not yet been discovered by humans. dw kiddo, u got Grandparents incoming

Emu: the type of guy to fistfight you and then help you up. laid back but ready to throw down at a MOMENT'S notice. has no beef with the Wheat, but generally avoids them to keep from any Upsets.

Treasure Chest: has a little list of get-rick-quick schemes he wants to test, but has no way to in purgatory. he has one braincell bouncing around in his head like the DVD logo

Scabs & Pus: they get to hang out with the Bye Bye Brothers in their little club :) they're gross dudes to look at and be around. but they are ultimately harmless and friendly and just happy to be included.

Book: i love da book. I think he lives in the music library backstage and finds librettos for stageplays/musicals to pitch to the group to put on, as well as produces their little TV shows.

Birch Trees: since they share a root system, they have a telepathic link and communicate without even speaking, which is fucking creepy as hell when one or both of them just start laughing out of nowhere. they probably enjoy acting sinister

Asmodeus: he worked HARD on his song for the show!!!!! i think he's a bit of a ham sometimes when he gets the chance. also his goat head bites literally anything that comes close on reflex.

The Devil: while everything he does is to get souls, it also feels like he wants for positive and is less an Enemy of God and more an Irritating Coworker. in my brain they have a whole Tom and Jerry thing going on.

I don't have anything for the Fake Puppets the Substitute impersonated, but im planning on drawing some infinitiger soon bc he was my fave for sure

The Substitute: this is PURELY crack but i think it would be hilarious if he had voice commands like some tech does. i want him to climb back in the window and ryan just yells XBOX TURN OFF and he vanishes.

Dino Dad/Dinosir: i think even after he gets to the present and learns about all kinds of rocks and gems and crystals he Still just loves a big old rock he can lay on and sun himself with. like a dad and his armchair. doesnt gotta be fancy, just has to be comfy.

Dino Mom/Dinosara: i think she would be REALLY into the fake tv shows the puppets in the Wondrium Arena make. and they'd probably Love to have her as a fan. i think both the professor's parents are Hella popular.

#THIS FELT LIKE RUNNING A MARATHON. I FEEL LIKE IM BEING TESTED BY THE FANDOM. I dont expect anyone 2 read all this but if u do u get a kis #puppet history #the professor ph #the substitute ph #gay oars #watcher entertainment #headcanons #ask answered #peer review? peer support? p #EDIT: if u saw me forget someone no u didnt<3

[sleepy-vix]

What would your ideal book be like (as in, what theoretical book would be your absolute favourite) what genre, page count, setting, characters, etc would it have?

oohhhh this is such an interesting ask. hmm i'll have to lay this out in dot points

BE READY FOR LOTS OF TEXT!

also i am indecisive and messy so my opinions will probably change idk T-T

alr here we go

- genre: psychological novel? im not exactly sure what the genre is but i love when books follow a mentally ill character that's just trying their best to navigate through life, and the book is about the way they interact with their surrounds and respond to issues and cope with their past and come to decisions, iykwim?

BUT I WANT FANTASY in it too so it will be epic. i love fantasy world building and i love when it makes so so so much sense. it would be cool if they had elements and got sorted into elemental groups too- that is so satisfying and fun to read.

- page count: probably 500. personally i think a normal book is 300, and it seems daunting when it's got like 700 pagesz but considering that this is my ideal book, i think i'd be sad if it had less than 400 pages (cus the story would be over soon) so i'd say 500 pages is the perfect amount.

- setting: in terms of time, i never really cared for it. i realise that i should probably have a preference on which century i like to read, but i find that characters can be mentally ill and epic no matter if they are from the future or the past.

in terms of location, hmm i wouldn't want to read about a character being anywhere with tropical or summery vibes. i like my characters knee deep in snow and drenched from head to toe in rain. it keeps them depressed and relatable ^^ (/hj....?)

oh also it would be cool if the country and places were mad up, since that this is a fantasy.

WAIT OR asia. i am obsessed with books that focuses on/is based off asia :)

- characters: trios are the best and i will die on that hill. ok like i dont need the trios to be together 24/7 but i need there to be THREE main characters if you know what i mean. one of them can be an antihero idc. it just has to be THREE.

oh also i love to read in the perspective of characters who are ambitious and feisty and impulsive because they're the opposite of me. but also i'd like them (idc abt gender) to be cunning, witty and good at making plans.

another character that i need in the trio is the smart one. there HAS to be a smart side character or else i will NOT fall in love with the book. i need the character who makes all the entensive plans. i need the character who is a walking dictionary. i need the character who hates to fight and would rather be learning but is somehow good at it and therefore forced to fight alongside the makn character. (oopsies im just describing the poppy war. but that is not a crime ;])

if its a soldier poet king trio i will be obsessed with it forever and ever

ok so for the stuff that u didnt ask but im gonna include:

-writing style: advanced. work my mind to death but enrichen it at the same time. i dont mind a difficult and layered magic system- in fact i LOVE THOSE, as long as they make sense and they are creative. do not give me that "she let out a breath she didnt know she was holding" bs.

i want "the night circus" level description when it comes to settings. i need to see taste hear smell FEEL the fucking surroundings

-vibe: doomed from the start. i dont want my characters to be happy. make me fall in love and then break my heart and do not apologise for it :,) (shit am i masochistic? damn)

- others: it would be cool if it is somehow relevant to our present irl current political state/ real world problems. it would be even cooler if it somehow fits a ton of mitski songs. also gayness is very welcomed

yeahh thats all i got for now. oops i wrote alot. at the start of my reply i was thinking along the lines of solitaire and crime and punishment and no longer human, but then it was all scrapped and i based it all off of the poppy war trilogy because it did fantasy and character dynamics/personalities/backstories SO RIGHT.

tysmmm for this ask. i would love to ask it right back, but i dont know who you are :(( ahsvsj feel free to tell me anyways tho in my askbox as an anon !!

*this was not proofread

#asks #vix's library

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

diiary 2/25/2023

okayyy i been needing to write a longform post for a while! just to chronicle some thoughts in a cohesive way. & getting straight to the point: i'm realizing there is very little, if ANY payoff, to being an artist online. i'm not talking about money. im talking about the way it's like, the more ppl start to see you as an "artist", the more they feel like ur some kind of public figure they can lash out at w no repercussions. ur humanity is just wiped from their minds. i don't have some huge following by any means but for ME its gotten big since in the past i've been a serial deleter. usually at 800 followers im gone.

i love being creative & sharing for the sake of sharing but i deeply fear any kind of spotlight. since i came back onto tumblr i made the pledge to myself not to delete my account if it started growing but now im having second thoughts!! well i'll never delete this account cus im too sentimental but part of me just wants to stop posting in the ways i tend to do. like maube im too forthcoming & need to slink back into the shadows a bit. because i don't want to stop contributing art & music to the world but idk how to protect my heart.

like it's so crazy to me that artists are expected to b these idealistic icons of everything the viewer represents & if they make a single mistake its like fuck we better launch a pUBLIC HARASSMENT CAMPAIGN!! genuinely like, how are people supposed to want to put themselves out there when the climate is so hostile? it has got me feelin rly nihilistic i must admit. trying to put nice stuff into the world shld not be generating drama for me, especially when it's just my hobby & not even my "career".

for a while ive had no idea what to do for work or how to generate income in a way that works for me but honestly? im gonna bite the bullet & do some coding bootcamps so i can try n get a remote job doing some tech shit & making a fat salary. i guess i never rly considerd it before cus all the silicon valley stuff susses me out but idk. im naturally really good at code + my only real dream in life is to be able to support others & redistribute wealth. like ive never had anything of my own to share but if i could actually do this & become the secure+charitable person i wish to be, i think i cld finally have some inner peace/sense of fulfillment. plus i cld still be a recluse ^_^

ok well i guess that my diary entry for now. im rly grateful to everyone on this site who is genuine & respectful towards me. i am really enjoying all my creative projects right now & i just dont want it to ever stop being fun just because the internet doesnt want it to be fun for me. i seriously wonder why artists are the number one targets right now, i mean not to get too conspiratorial but like, this is exactly what the CIA wants :/ wahtever....i have no agenda other than plur. but yeah, i might just start to distance myself more from posting anything other than my work. we'll see. just kno that i dnt want it to b this way. ilu guys

[kirafanxx69420]

i need to get this off my chest its been in me for too long

i think deco 27 songs ever since vampire and onwards don't really hit at all excluding salamander, deco really peaked there it was a very nice song

i just finished listening to his latest song, rabbit hole and compared to zombies or journey it's definitely better but it feels kinda idk maybe im just missing his less upbeat style (that's definitely the case) because all these songs feel lukewarm to me at best and i feel like the lukewarm thing can apply to many more

i also think when voca-p's make songs for the sake of prsk it never goes right because they release it in vocaloid with human singing in mind and i was never really a fan of the prsk covers, im sure there are some good ones but so far overall its a very hit or miss thing with most going miss

because i think in most cases vocaloid songs are sang through vocaloid for a reason and it has to be made with vocaloid in mind and majority songs made for prsk felt mid (cosmospice didn't do anything for me despite my overflowing love for Pinocchio-p)

this is a section to commend becoming potatoes YEAH NERU!!!! NERU!!!! NEVER MISSES!!!! neru is so good

i know im sounding like a huge pissed off vocaloid "i think im better than you prsk lovers, i play project diva im a real one" person but dont get me wrong i love how vocaloid is getting a revival through prsk and the new genre/style of vocaloid is booming and i have a profound respect for people who play prsk and are good at it, i can clear up til 9.5 ex/exex songs on project diva all i want but i somehow cant do shit on proseka and watching gameplay is always amazing

i do admit they bang and i like the people who are discovering or even rediscovering vocaloid due to the resurge and i do admit some human covers of vocaloid originals do them justice (ahem miyuu ahem) this is just a very in general observation

im pretty much navigating through multiple topics but another thing im gonna add is nowadays i personally dont see heavy story telling based songs a lot i might be shit at finding them so if anyone sees this and think i am so wrong please prove me wrong with those sweet sweet YouTube/nico nico links but anyways things like the evillious chronicles hell not even that much even things like what hitoshizuku x yama does or the shama series

i also kinda miss how the artists draw the vocaloids themselves for the characters in the story or songs just outright about vocaloids interacting with other vocaloids like a little slice of life but i dont really want to complain too much because seeing individual and iconic designs for songs is also nice

i think thats all, my head stores a lot of thoughts towards vocaloid wait til you see me talking about MEIKO and her tuning and how i grieve for her everyday because I've found so many songs that sound nice but the way people tune her breaks the song but in the cases where she it tuned skilfully i drop down to my knees in amazement and i will stop there because i know i might spiral into this whole separate thing

so yeah i might be a hater at times,i can spend a whole 24 hours shittalking corn (I'll get on that some day) but you know what I'm not a hater of?

schoolmizzy, more people need to know their songs oh my god just amazing shit right there simplistic yeah but good stuff and only 1.6k subscribers im fucking crying man

#xuil rambles #vocaloid #deco27 #deco*27 #im sorry #when i have feelings i need to say it #pinocchio p #neru #prove me wrong (i want to be proved wrong i want to love vocaloid unconditionally again but i developed a certain standard) #prsk #project sekai

[otakugoddes]

Hi hun I saw your angst prompt list and idk if you're still doing those but if you are can I have prompt 1 or 6 for Sanemi?

If you don't wanna do it, it's fine!

Angst Prompts "Maybe in another life we'll be together" + "I'm not her/him/them. I dont think I ever will be"

Warnings: Mentions of death and violence; mutual pining and one-sided relationship; mild profanity; gender-neutral reader (they/them and you).

Type: ANGST

A/N: Your request is my command! Thank you for my first ask! I'll do you one better...I'll do both! Though it might not be what you're thinking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sanemi never imagined himself falling for someone, there were very few people who he actually opened up to and trusted. Most of the time his dedication to his job was seen as his downfall.

Even as a Pillar, there was no guarantee of life in this job.

He knew that, though he was reluctant to the aspect of trying himself down to a domestic life, especially since there was a chance he could leave that person. Not by natural causes either.

"All the more reason to live life like you're dying right? Since we don't know when we'll draw our last breath...its obvious we have to living fulfilling lives until then!" You had told him, and you just pissed him off.

You were reckless.

Fearless.

Spitting Death in the face.

Only to look at him smugly every time when you returned from a mission, bloody and bruised, with that devil-may-care grin. "Well, looks like I'm stuck seeing your ugly mug again!" You smirked at him.

Everyone knew of the tension that resided between the two of you, the underlying feelings that made your cruel words meaningless when compared to your actions.

Sanemi was in denial.

There was no way he was in live with you.

He couldn't be.

You were just someone who happened to get on his nerves, and someone he happened to be protective of when things were cutting it too close.

You were more in tune with your feelings though.

Aware that the wind Pillar hated you more than anything, but utterly and irrevocably in life with him yourself, hiding it under airs and smirks you knew would piss him off. So, it was probably because of his pride that he refused to notice your actions being anything beyond trying to annoy him. Or his head was too far up his ass like his ego.

So it took one mission.

One mission out of how many that you were paired together. Years of "rivalry" only to come down to one mission.

Sanemi was on your left, chest heaving and bleeding.

You were holding your nichirin blade, looking as messed up as Sanemi felt. This demon was proving to be a problem, two hours of fighting it to turn up with no results and no way of killing it.

"This is pointless! Fuck!" He grunted.

You looked at him.

Sanemi was the kind of person who'd fight till the end, never letting up once, that's what you admired about him. He didn't want to tell you but, he was so bleeding so badly he would soon die. Instead stubbornly insisting to fight, despite his fatal injuries.

"Hey! Sanemi!"

"We gotta kill this thing!"

"Sanemi!"

"I cant move!"

"SANEMI FUCKING LOOK AT ME!"

"WHAT?!

It must have been the look in your eyes, because his widened, you activated your (breathing technique). Stepping in front of him, "Live Sanemi!"

A few seconds later there was a flash of light, and he heard the sound of bone and sinew crunching.

He looked up to see the demon fade, and you on the other side, but he knew there was something wrong when you turned towards him...with a pained smile.

"(Name)! Hey! You idiot! Why'd you do that? That form is dangerous?!" He yelled at you, catching you when you legs threatened to buckle and held you close.

As he scolded you for being reckless you removed your hand from your torso.

Blood seeped into your haori, and you put your hand on his cheek to stop him from yelling.

"Shut up for five seconds!"

"What the-?"

You smiled again, this time a real one. And Sanemi started to tear up, he could fe your body growing cold...could hear the last beats of your heart.

"Why wouldn't you let it strike me? You're a fucking idiot!"

"Don't waste tears on me Sanemi!"

You leaned upwards, and he craned his head towards you, "I love you, Sanemi. I have for a while now. But I guess the universe says we're not meant to be!"

He wasn't fazed in the slightest by your confession, more the finality of the tone, "No! Don't talk like that! I'll drag your ass to Shinobu and she can help!"

You shook your head, "I'm beyond saving!"

"You want to leave me now...is that it?! God, I get everybody dies...but you cant fucking leave me now! Not after saying that!" He yelled, gripping you tighter as if that would keep you there...honestly his grip started to hurt.

But you did nothing to stop him, the hurt felt better than his denial to accept that you were leaving.

"Are you going to say it back so I can die in peace?" You grinned, it was painful to do but worth it when his face scrunched up.

He scoffed, amusing you.

"Hey...you can have my blade!" You laughed and handed him your nichirin blade.

"STOP! Stop talking like that!" He was crying but laughing in the same breath, as if delirium caught up with him.

"Maybe in another life we'll be together! I love you...," You smiled, kissing him with bloody lips and suddenly...your body went limp in his grasp.

He choked back the sob...whispering "I love you too" back to a corpse as he gripped your lifeless body.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few years later, he got married. While he loved his wife, he still mourned your loss, a love that he never got to pursue because if his own stubbornness.

But he was fulfilling what you told him.

To live.

And by that, you meant have a life, fall in love and get married. You knew your death was coming, so one line from you and he was doing as you asked.

He had told his wife about you, not the part about where he had been catastrophically in love with you...and still was after all these years.

His wife always got the feeling that there was something he wasn't telling her.

In another room of their estate he had your sword displayed along with your shrine, and while he never said to not to touch your blade...she always got the feeling that she shouldn't touch it.

One night...her curiosity got the better of her.

She went into the room and knelt by the shrine to pay homage before staring at the beautiful blade, that she had often seen her husband tend to daily like a ritual.

She observed it and noticed that there was ribbon around the hilt with a small piece of paper hidden.

She took the paper out and read it.

Sanemi seemed to notice her absence from bed and decided to look for her, finding her in the shrine room and asking, "What are you doing up so late?"

She handed him the note with a sad smile, he instantly recognized the handwriting and looked back up at the woman who loved him so much...who he was doing so wrong by being in love with another. It was his stupid fault.

He couldn't even look at her.

She laughed softly and put her hands on his cheeks, "I'm not them, Sanemi. I dont think I'll be ever in your eyes!"

He looked down and whispered, "I'm sorry!"

She nodded, leaning up on her toes to kiss his forehead, "I know...me too!"

As she walked out of the room, he sank to his knees and cradled your blade, feeling like love was lost altogether.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#demon slayer drabbles #demon slayer #kny #sanemi x reader #sanemi angst #demon slayer angst #sanemi shinazugawa #kimetsu no yaiba #angst prompts #anime

[transdib]

every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

#life of doge #negative rtshrthrth #tw for abuse or gaslighting or whatever #idk why im posting this this is such a traumadump im sorry #its long and self pitying im sorry

[defensivelee]

ok... i just blocked anon at this point but heres what they said bc apparently i didn't read what i wrote myself(?!)

i would just leave it at that, but honestly? i do wanna address some things here not bc i feel the need to defend myself to anon, but bc i wanna make it clear to you ppl WHY all this stuff was written.... like im not gonna sugarcoat it, i DO enjoy writing this bc hi. huge whump lover here. making pretty people suffer is my favorite thing. but it's also so important to say that this is FICTION (this is historical rpf which is kinda funny but still, none of this actually happened). there is no real abuse going on so there is no need for any of this performative bullshit. anon is just wasting time bc it goes without saying but i would never ever condone or do this shit irl. idk how it works for other ppl but for me fiction does not affect reality, the only way it does is that it makes me happy precisely because i can do whatever i want and nobody gets hurt. and these mfs dont care, they're dead im sure they have better things to do. anyway i just wanna say:

all the details anon is giving me abt my story makes it sound like they read the whole story, both Dona Dona and the main chapters. that's almost 100k words. when they could have clicked off at any time. when the tags are so clearly right there. like... you did this for what 😭

i assume the gang rape anon is talking about is in the Tenth Hot Spring when Bentinck serviced a bunch of dudes to seal a deal for William. i would find it kind of difficult to describe it as that... but tbh, yeah, it would have been incredibly hard for him to say no. in any case, so sorry to tell you this anon but there are no perfect victims in this AU! he never sees it as rape because he thinks he deserves it, and because he does enjoy it at times. his whole image as an Ally under an Overlifer kind of relies on that. and while i'll tag it properly, i'm not going to sanitize or sugarcoat it as it's a huge part of his character arc. he doesn't think he's allowed to say no or have boundaries, so he won't! in this society i think it would be hard to find a "perfect victim." Bentinck doesn't cry about this because he thinks he's fulfilling his purpose.

Bentinck being described as a shotacon..... im so sorry that was so fucking funny to me LMFAO

i wouldn't say he enjoyed kissing William's father as a boy, he just thinks he did. obv we don't get to see much of it in Dona Dona bc it's from William's POV. but even then, as an adult, he stills sees it as an honor. AGAIN, part of his whole arc of how he views himself, the religion, and his role in it. that event is kind of the starting point of that, it was put there for a reason and not bc i actually think kids can consent/enjoy assault! in my experience, they can think they did. here again, the perfect victim narrative does not always reflect reality.

you're right, kids can't initiate that! like i said in my disclaimer, it's a result of grooming and how they've been raised. they think they are, but it's just making them easier to abuse. i never once believed they could consent.

im not a rapist period full stop. just not

yeah i romanticize abusive relationships. in FICTION. they're fun to write. jamesborough is a delightful ship and the succubus au has been so fun to work on. real life abusers can choke and i would encourage anyone in a relationship like the ones i write about to seek help immediately.

Anne called Marly a slut bc SHE is victim blaming. EVERYONE victim blames Marly in this story. it's part of HIS arc. i would not blame any victim of this sort of shit irl. and even then, in this universe "slut" doesn't have such a negative connotation as in our world. yes, it is still victim blaming, but how can you read the story and still have it completely fly by your head like that

im aromantic, which i dont know how you wouldnt have just picked up from idk... SCROLLING THRU MY BLOG LIKE ANON SO CLEARLY DID?? LOOKING AT MY ICON?? so no need to pray for those hypothetical partners, it's never happening.

#thanks for the read anon ig KFKDJKJKFDK #in case it was not obvious: little rant under cut #hopefully anon fucks off for good i just wanted to clear up some things #tw csa mention #tw sa mention #tw abuse mention

[autismvampyre]

https://www.tumblr.com/autismvampyre/741462958593441792/hate-how-its-practically-impossible-to-find-anti?source=share

I saw this post and I couldn't agree more and Im asking anonymously cause I don't want to get judgement and stuff and I know this is going to sound a little dumb but I'm having a crisis about like. Whether or not I should support Taylor anymore like. Im going for the eras tour soon and I'm obviously really really excited but I've been seeing more and more anti swiftie media and it all really makes sense. Your blog was like the only anti swiftie one that didn't say all swifties deserve to die lol (at least from what I could find) but I just wanted to know if you have any advice on like letting go of the music in a way. I love her music, and one of the reasons I'm really scared to let go is that my childhood best friend and I share so many precious memories over her music and I don't want to disappoint her in a way by not listening anymore and her music helped me through really really hard times, which feels kind of dumb to say cause I'm 15, but like it's always really helped me and I don't know if I can or if I want to let go but at the same time I'm huge on ethics and a big part of my life has always been helping people and empathizing, and I just don't know if I want to support an artist who can't seem to publicly do that. Idk I was just wondering if you had advice? Thank you so much :)

P.s. feel free to ignore this ik it's loaded and not related to your blog entirely

hey! thanks for the ask. i wanted to respond to this before i forgot so this might be rushed but i hope i can still help.

i get your dilemma, i really do. i like her music a lot and one of the worst things about the anti swiftie community is how much it relies on the "her music sucks" card. its lazy and just personal taste, and i absolutely hate the puritanical idea that if you enjoy a single taylor song you are in some way morally lesser. people like what they like, and i think it's completely fine to enjoy her music because that isn't really an ethical concern

you can separate the art from the artist. its fine to do so. you shouldn't force yourself to stop listening to music you like unless you feel thats right for you. im very critical of taylor but i still occasionally listen to her music because there are a lot of memories attached to it and those memories are precious to me. art can make you feel so much, and you're not dumb for feeling comforted by it.

i dont think you have to let go of her music unless you want to. i believe the most important thing is to let go of the idea of taylor as a brand. people tend to get attached to her due to clever marketing; to a lot of people she's their friend and they feel very protective over her for that. taylor thrives off the parasocial relationship of her fandom which is financially beneficial to her. the most important thing to remember is that she is a billionaire with more money than you could ever imagine and it is impossible to get that rich without fucking over the poor. the image of taylor in the media is not real, she isn't the girl next door, she isn't your friend, she's an ultra rich celebrity who gets richer by pretending to be your buddy. once you've realized that, you're pretty much done

now, i definitely wouldn't recommend financially supporting her. if you're going to the eras tour don't go alone, be safe, wear earplugs(seriously this one is so important you dont want tinnitus believe me). i know there are a lot of different factors and ethics about the shows but as someone who a) hates live music cause im autistic and just end up overstimulated and b) was never in a financial situation where i could or even would buy eras tickets i feel very under qualified to tackle any of that so i'd recommend talking to someone else who knows about that.

to end, i'll just say piracy isn't theft if buying isn't owning snd there are guides out there so you can listen without paying her dime. sorry if this was incoherent, i am tired. have a good rest of your day/night/whatever time it is and please take care

#asks #nydias post #anti taylor swift #anti swifties #you can always send me another ask of message if you have more questions

[skaldish]

hey i cant remember your DID blog, im sorry, idm if you answer over there if you tag me.

to start with, i have professionally diagnosed DID and have been dx'd 3 separate times, and i have something i guess i want validation for?

since i was itty bitty i was reading greek mythology, like children's versions (i could read very early - "gifted" kid) at 3-5 and it has always very much been a huge running theme in my life, well i have a lot of religious greek alters.

it makes sense that.. reading about these figures, watching movies like disneys Hercules and stuff especially while experiencing consistent trauma that i would develop these alters with my brain viewing them as powerful and comforting?

and as an adult i have developed a bit of spirituality with them, a deeply, deeply personal relationship and devotion to deific alters formed to protect and care for me

i recently had a whole issue with a friend who told me my perception of the gods were "wrong" and that they could communicate with them for me. that the gods could only visit one person at a time. and it fucked me up so bad even though i knew they were wrong. they traumatized my whole system

because the things i communicate with aren't just the gods, they dont even claim to be the real gods nor speak for them, just "real to the andromeda system". no one can communicate with my version of them because they are *alters* and my perception is based in trauma and my needs at the time of formation

i feel fakey and i generally avoid even mentioning the religious alters to therapists because i dont want to come across as attention seeking. my experience is valid right?

in terms of clarsenses.. maybe thats a part of it too? idk but these guys are inherently different from say. the spirit of the trees. idk its complicated, they can front and care for me and have a place in my headspace. i notice i get some gifts like i asked hermes to help us get the car we wanted since ours is breaking, and we're getting an even better version. i dont understand fully, i just know my experience is different and deeply personal and relevant to my trauma and DID.

last thing; i do have other alters unrelated to the greek pantheon that interact with them in the headspace. ones that are more "normal" i guess like child alters and trauma holders/persecuters and regular protectors (many of the greek ones are protecters/caregivers/managers. a small few hold trauma - like Hera holds the trauma i witnessed my mom go thru and she is a caregiver. some front. some are internal.) i guess im seeking an explanation from someone in a similar position? in terms of being spiritual with a dissociative disorder. especially considering i do feel like i receive gifts from them in the real world im just confused about myself and experiences which feel incredibly complex. it feels like my experiences go hand in hand with each other!

I'll say what I always say in these situations:

It's not a question of "valid" or "invalid," it's a question of what something is. Our feelings are always valid, but that has nothing to do with whether we're accurately interpreting them or not. Discernment is what's important, and as frustrating as it is, no one can really do that work other than you.

I can't even offer much in the way of perspective, to be honest. Despite the fact you and I are in similar positions, my experiences with dissociation and clairsenses are totally different. None of my alters take the form of deities, for one thing, but I've also never had trouble differentiating my alters from deities.

My advice would be to just give it time. Spiritual exploration is full of heavy lifting, and it's something we just work our way through over the course of time.

(Also my brain blog is @prefrontal-bastard, if you ever have questions in the future.)

#answered #thoughtposting

[6irlpet]

Mm im a virgin and im nervous about my first time can u give me some tips

hmmmmmm ok ok ok ill try

first of all its normal to be shy/nervous but anyone who's worthy as a partner isnt gonna make u feel weird or bad about that. if they do they r not the one!

be safe 😑 similarly anyone who doesnt respect your wishes for things like... condoms, lube, or what u dont want to do, etc etc is not the one!!! never Ever not just for first times!!!! it is OK to not be comfortable with certain things!!!! i know this sounds like elementary advice but a lot of people think they know it, then freeze up in the actual situation :(

wear s/t that makes u feel cute and confident (doesnt have to be crazy lingerie just like. favorite pair of underwear ukno!) and i like to Always shower day of + wash downstairs like 5 mins before sex bc its (1) clean (2) less anxiety on my part

tbh dont build it up in ur head as something that HAS to be perfect and romantic or whatever....... maybe i'm just not a very romantic person (yes) but virginity is not a big deal imo? u wouldnt expect to be good at any hobby with your first attempt, your goal should just be to have fun. and its practice! u get better lol. like unless its the only time you're planning on having sex ever in your whole life it's ok if the planets didn't align or whatever, just learn what worked/what didnt and carry it with u for a better next time!

Have Fun!!!! even when i have someone tied up i love talking/teasing, laughing with them, etc etc... esp since i'm not very dominant and just top 4 friends, i try not to get frozen in my head about what i ~should~ be acting like. i'll go with what feels natural (it all comes easier than you'd think in the moment honestly) and try to channel a bit of what i know they like. but if ur sexy character breaks or whatever , its ok... have fun with it... just be urself fr... i know that sounds corny but its true!! just have fun and anyone who is worth it is gonna giggle along with u. sex is FUN its a connection with someone, an interaction between bodies, making e/o feel good, let it be natural.

dont be afraid to mention if something doesnt feel good? so many of my friends have told me like, "i didnt like when my parter did this / it turned me off or hurt" and i was appalled, like... tell them??? u can move someones hand elsewhere, u can Communicate. when im topping i like to ask 'is that ok? that feel good? can i touch u here?' etc. u can make it sexy by saying it teasingly, but it gives a real window for someone to say if its not.

this isnt possible for every situation but i think it is worth it to have your first experiences b with someone you trust. it doesn't have to be romantic but i think you're a lot more relaxed if you are comfortable with the person. a lot of my firsts were forced/not rly fun, my first Sex was while intoxicated w/ a guy i'd only known a few days + first kink experiences were also random rushed unsafe stuff. i dont exactly regret but i do feel weird about it sometimes and so i've only recently started to be ok with hooking up with people again. via doing so with FWBs i trust and it's been a vastly different experience!!! idk how to describe it, but like knowing we're good and that it's ok and safe and fun and that they're not judging body or whatever, it's given me more confidence in playing + communicating. i used to freeze up if anyone touched me and now im getting open enough to where im considering letting myself sub again, and ok with more physical contact. ofc not everyone has friends who are dtf but no matter who it is, being comfortable with them is everything!!

nothing should hurt or bleed and i'll die on that hill. with plenty of foreplay/arousal and lube and slowly working up a stretch (if ur being penetrated) it shouldn't hurt. example: i hadn't been penetrated with more than 2-3 fingers for months, when i got home recently i tried dildo and couldn't get it in, i just relaxed + worked up with a smaller toy + knew i could go for lube if i needed (i didnt bc i have a faucet pussy but it does make it easier) similarly with anal, u just gotta work up and relax

in line with #7..... theres nothing wrong with using lube. and foreplay IS essential bc when you get aroused your muscles will relax and you'll feel better and more receptive to every aspect of sex not just penetration. i also don't think there's anything wrong with using toys????? a straight girl im friends with said her boyf can't get her off and i told her to tell him to use a vibe and she was like "i don't think we're close enough for that" like girl what the fuck he's had his tongue in your vagina i think it's okay to use a toy 😭 people historically would have gone nuts for the availability of sex toys we have now fuckin shake it up and have some fun!! it's not weird!!!! god straight people and their sex hangups. anyway.

i hope that helps????? tbh i think a lot of these are aimed @ cishet men being awful in bed for the most part but! they can still apply to keep in mind! summary: dont let anyone make u feel weird or bad for wanting things / not wanting things and u should feel comfortable and good and dont be afraid to communicate what u like (give encouragement vocalize that u feel good!) + what ur not feeling (share if s/t hurts or if u want them to go faster/harder or move up a bit or whatever)! literally HAVE FUN AND BE YOURSELF

#sorry this got long i am passionate about sex ed and communication and consent #fr talk to ur partner!!!! the stories i hear bc (1) all my friends r comfortable talking about sex to me & (2) straight people r insane omf #ask