#if some poor bitch (me) is making like $10k a year from a part time job while going to school uncle sam should fuck off

[busylilbee]

The benefit of providing childcare for a well-off family who pays you well and uses your services a lot: Money!

The Sad: Fucking T a x e s

#based on how much i made this month i am DEFINITELY going to hit the rax threshold #like...within another month. #i am very happy to be eadning income #i am less happy that despite earning a livable wage i am still required to fill out multiple forms and do hool hopping #like bruh i am a full time fucking study please have mercy #this is my side gig #why is the tax threshold for babysitting fucking $2600 in a YEAR #WHY DO YOU NEED MY MONEY #THATS LESS THAN $3000 YOU BITCH #it is my personal opinion that if you make less than like...idk $15k-20k in a year in total you should not need to pay taxes #thats not livable!! #if some poor bitch (me) is making like $10k a year from a part time job while going to school uncle sam should fuck off #go tax the fucking billionaires PLEASE #they do NOT need all that money!! #people are out there earning MAYBE $40k while providing for multiple children and Suffering #and then theres the pigs who have private jets #anyways #personal #i really love the family i work for though theyre so good #they pay me well and theyre PLEASANT and the kids are a hoot #like i actually feel for once that i am being paid equivalent to my value #which is a shock #the last 2 jobs i had steadily sucked the will to live out of me as i was severely underpaid for the work i did #and i still had to pay fucking taxessssssssssssssssssssssss #even though i didnt make nearly as much as i am with this family #i hate money shit i wish i lived on a self sustaining farm in a small village with a doctor and a cobbler or something #jm so tired

[lansyuan]

do you love fics where wei wuxian and lan wangji parent the crap out of lan sizhui? do you want to read accidental baby acquisition fics until your eyes bleed? would you die as your heart slowly turns to mush from the softness of this family? bitch the fuck, me too. here are some of my personal favourite fics of wangxian ft their turnip son a-yuan. its a range of canon divergence, post canon, thirteen years of inquiry, raising a-yuan at the burial mounds au etc - there’ll be something for literally everyone. enjoy!

the kite string and the anchor rope by fleurdeliser (38k+)

When A-Yuan gets sick and Wen Qing doesn't have the supplies she needs to properly treat him, Wei Wuxian can only think of one place to go for help. 

a crying shame by thunderwear (16k+)

Lan Wangji gets emotionally blackmailed by a toddler. It somehow fixes everything.

to recollect and long for by wonderlands (22k+) *2/3 works posted at time of posting this rec list.

a 3-part series about best boy lan sizhui and his wonderful dads who love him and each other very much.

forgetting envies, remembering your loving hold by cosmicfuss (3k+)

The first time Zewu-jun plays for him he is five and the man is trying to comfort him, playing soft songs good for soothing children. It works to a degree but he wants his gege, he wants his gege to play his lullaby. Zewu-jun apologizes and tells him that his gege is hurting right now, and needs to be alone to get better.

When he plays the xiao, A-Yuan says, "you're holding it wrong!" When he turns fourteen, he learns to play guqin, and is many years ahead of his classmates in that regard. A large factor in that is how much he has practiced Inquiry. He has grown up hearing snippets from the jingshi, of Wangji attempting to reach a spirit that never answers.

When he's sixteen, he hears a familiar tune played in the forest, he and his fellow juniors battling a stone god. It's been years since he's heard it, and he wonders why this man, Mo Xuanyu, knows it so well.

Or, Lan Sizhui grows up and learns, and remembers.

five times wei wuxian tried to embarrass lan sizhui by blackelement7 (6k+)

(and one time he realized just how badly he'd played himself)

or: In which Wei Wuxian starts a fight but Lan Sizhui (with some meddling from Lan Jingyi) ends it.

inquiry by incendir (10k+)

Sizhui cannot fall asleep for a long, long time that night. He hears the ever-familiar melody again. He thinks perhaps he has memorized it by now.

storge by respira (9k+)

Lan Sizhui is a lake.

as the warren grows in number by kore_fics (3k+)

Before Sizhui could take another step he was surrounded by black and red, loud laughter in his ears and warm fingers running through his hair, messing it up. Palms squished both his cheeks together and Lan Sizhui let out a laugh.

Lan Sizhui was home.

tell some storm* by qurbat (31k+) *the moments with Sizhui are in chapter 2, however I highly recommend reading the whole fic, it’s adorable.

"We were raised as a generation of war, A-Yuan," Xian-gege said to him. "If your generation choses to be one of love - well, I don't think any of us would be opposed to that."

In the aftermath of the events at the Guanyin temple, the cultivation world scrambles to understand their current reality. A man roams the countryside with a string of white in his hair. Another sits on the highest seat of power with a ribbon of red around his forehead. The younger generation turns out to be full of romantics. Nie Huaisang is to blame for everything, always. Jiang Cheng realizes that happiness has been more that 16 years overdue.

Wei Wuxian declares that it's time that bitch pays up.

After a generation of war - much to the consternation of the elders, much to the delight of the young, much to the pleased shock of the subjects of the tale - the world welcomes a love story with open arms.

guess we're not eating leaves today by missingnarwhal (2k+)

Baby A-Yuan has cooked up a feast, but only one lucky gege will actually get to taste it!

Set in an alternate timeline where everything is okay after Wei Ying + Wens started living in the Burial Mounds.

response by aki_no_hikari (12k+)

What if Wei Wuxian hadn't been silent to Lan Wangji's Inquiry?

love, in all its small pieces by ynvel (4k+)

Ah Yuan is brought to the Cloud Recesses and exchanges the sun and its ashes for the clouds. Lan Wangji brings a boy home, calls him his son, and renews the promises he made.

Or: Lan Sizhui is adopted by Lan Wangji and learns about his new life. Lan Wangji in turn learns about hope and living again.

child surprise by ariaste (4k+)

He huffs a sigh. “Fine. Just - let’s just make it the law of surprise, shall we? That’s nice and simple, eh? Leave it up to destiny what will bring us back in balance. Let it drop something of yours into my lap, something small, and we’ll call the debt paid.”

Three debts, three repayments.

there's a lunatic in mo village by bastetcg (11k+)

There's a lunatic in Mo Village! And to Lan Sizhui's surprise, Hanguang-Jun has decided to bring the madman back to the Cloud Recesses! How embarrassing!

A mostly canon-compliant look into Lan Sizhui's thoughts and childhood.

on being a big boy by emberloey (1k+)

“My little A-Yuan,” Dad had said the next morning, kneeling down to A-Yuan’s height with a smile, “all grown up now. Soon you’ll be hunting without your poor old dads.”

“Never!” A-Yuan shook his head and latched onto Father’s leg. He smiled up at Father, who smiled back and nodded his head. “A-Yuan always needs Dad and Father!”

in all these shades of blue (i think we found you) by fleetling (5k+)

5 times Sizhui thought about his father's white robes, and 1 time Lan Wangji wore blue.

(Or: Lan Sizhui had never seen his father in anything other than white robes.)

this is when the feeling sinks in, i don't want to miss you like this (come back, be here) by mischievousmurmurs (6k+)

Just now… the butterflies’ conversation. Where did you learn that from, Ah-Yuan?

Ah-Yuan pats his chest. In here, shushu. I feel it in here. And in here, too, he adds, pointing to his head.

Sizhui has never quite been able to remember nor forget the memory of seeing people who he knows loved each other, loved him, and whom he loved in return.

or - a wangxian story, as told by their adopted son.

yours, mine, and ours by casecous (2k+)

When they have both mostly recovered, and A-Yuan is back to his smiling, playful self, Lan Wangji presents him with a forehead ribbon. A-Yuan’s little fingers bump into Lan Wangji’s thumbs as he traces the cloud motif along it.

“You are Lan now. This is very important,” Lan Wangji tells him and A-Yuan looks away from the ribbon to meet his eyes. “You must not take it off as you please. Only family may touch it.”

A series of wangxian family moments.

innocence by snowberryrose (8k+)

In which Wei WuXian gets to raise A-Yuan.

Canon divergence from episode 31.

to recollect and long for by mme_anxious (4k+)

Lan Xichen is there when his brother becomes a father. Lan Sizhui is there when his father's heart breaks, again. Wei Wuxian is there when his son gets drunk for the first time.

Or, the GusuLan forehead ribbon, in three parts.

our little one by writedeku (6k+)

A-Yuan is here. A-Yuan, who Wei Ying loved so much. A-Yuan, who was taught to laugh just like him. Wangji hugs him to his chest and curls over him, ignoring the way the wounds on his back pull and tear. “I have to take care of you,” he says. “I will not leave you.”

(Or: Lan Wangji comes back from Yiling with a child he does not know how to care for and a black hole in his chest. Somehow, he makes it work.)

gathered herbs & sweet grasses by hansbekhart (19k+)

Later, when he’s older, it’s this that A-Yuan will remember most: the stretch of silence, the two of them both dirty and shaking with fever, as he looked at Brother Rich, and Brother Rich looked back at him.

the sacred homeland by particulate (8k+)

He has many names, and some are mouthfuls of blood.

[Or; a chronology of Sizhui, in which he does not forget.]

to the act of making noise by words-writ-in-starlight (19k+)

His father in white plays the song late into the night, and when A-Yuan wakes up confused and afraid, the guqin lulls him back to sleep.

Lan Sizhui hears his father play the same song every night for his whole life, and never, ever get an answer.

when he comes home to you by kika988 (2k+)

Home is Cloud Recesses now, and that's a thing Wei Wuxian is still getting used to. He still feels like a guest here, most days, though Lan Wangji has done everything to make him feel at home. He stands out like a sore thumb amongst the serene disciples and flowing white fabric.

Cloud Recesses has been home to Lan Wangji and Sizhui for years. It is their home, where they've built their family.

The thought warms Wei Wuxian even as it sits a little ill with him. He's an intruder here, in their homes, in their lives, the same way he had been in Lotus Pier.

five times people didn’t know sizhui is lan zhan’s son and one time they did by trilliastra (3k+)

“A-Yuan.” He repeats, reaching out for the boy, growing restless when he can’t touch him. “A-Yuan.”

Oh. Lan Xichen closes his eyes as the tears start to fall. Oh, Wangji.

Carefully, Lan Xichen takes the boy and lays him next to his brother on the bed, Wangji holds him protectively against his chest and A-Yuan stops his little cries immediately.

“Wangji,” Lan Xichen tries again, running a hand through his brother’s hair softly, “who is he?”

“He’s my son.”

5 times the lan head disciple broke the rules by liji (6k+)

“I am not aware of any rule forbidding falling in love,” Hanguang-Jun said at last. There was a quiet sadness in his eye, like he was watching a scene from far away. The novelty of it gave Sizhui the courage to ask his next question.

“Have you ever been in love, Father?” he asked.

(or, five times that Sizhui broke the Lan sect's rules growing up)

the seasons change (but i love you the same) by kdkdkd (7k+)

"Hanguang-jun!"

When did you stop calling me Bàba, A-Yuan?

Lan Wangji had always promised himself that he would never become a poor father like his own had been.

Unfortunately, it feels like he has failed to keep that promise.

✨ bonus round ✨ uncle jiang cheng and nephew lan sizhui

tintinnabulum by respira (8k+)

A small bell chimes, the sound soft and pleasant like the water crashing against a pier, like low whistles in an empty cave, like a guqin playing a lullaby.

#the untamed #wangxian #lan wangji #wei wuxian #lan sizhui #lan yuan #wen yuan #wangxian family #wangxian fic rec #myficrecs #creations #listen i just really love this family #1k

[bitchesgetriches]

Hey bitches, let's dream. What would you do with a no strings attached $10k, $100k and $1m donation to BGR?

Oh. OH.

This question made my brain blush with serotonin. I will happily answer this.

If we had $10K, we would hire a part-time assistant to help us. The funny thing is: when you do something you really love, you only do The Thing Itself a small fraction of the time. We have all of Season 2 of the podcast recorded, but it takes us months to release because we’re doing all the research, editing, writing, and promotional stuff ourselves. I often sit down intending to write, only to end up working on taxes and updating security certificates. All that invisible administrative work is a drag, and it would be awesome to have a little help with it.

A lot of folks in our position have one or more virtual assistants to help them. It’s very affordable, if you hire someone in a low cost of living country. I’m not gonna say we would never do that, because I’m willing to do what it takes to grow our audience and help more people.

But...ugh. It just doesn’t jive with our ethos?

Like. BGR is a sisterhood founded in a shared dream of promoting economic justice and empowerment. We couldn’t add an assistant unless we found someone who was really fired up about our mission and we enough money to show them respect for their time. $10K would be enough to pay someone $20/hour for 10 hours of admin work per week. That would be totally life-changing for BGR.

If we had $100K, we would both make this our full-time job. 2020 is the first year we’ve paid ourselves through BGR. I cannot thank our Patreon donors enough for their support. It is so meaningful, ESPECIALLY now that Piggy has lost her job.

But, real talk: the last time I calculated it out, Piggy and I were paying ourselves about...$3/hour.

The overwhelming majority of our donors give $1/month. Those donations mean the world to us, because we know they’re likely coming from folks who don’t have more to give! But, you know, we write from our hearts, and that takes a lot of spoons. We have to balance against our day job (or hunting for a new day job, in Piggy’s case) and activities that refill the cup: eating, showering, sinking 200 hours into a video game I only sorta liked, etc.

We have considered lots of options for additional monetization, and rejected pretty much all of them, because we just can’t get away from the idea that it’s unethical to charge poor people money for advice on how to stop being poor. We’ve had lots of sponsorship offers; we’ve even had major financial companies inquire about buying Bitches Get Riches. Ego-stroking and wallet-filling as that is, we don’t think it’s in our fans’ best interest.

The donor model feels good to us right now. We hope that the people we’ve helped will remember us and pay it forward by donating. It’s not giving us rent money, but it’s grocery money. And we stan groceries. But seriously, if someone handed BGR a hundred geez, I wouldn’t even send in my letter of resignation---just fling my work computer onto the lawn of my old office and see how long it took for them to stop sending me paychecks. They’re awfully bureaucratic, it could take a while!

Telling you what we would do if we had $1M requires some embarrassing dream-disclosures, but hey, let’s do it! I had to leave home when I was 17. And I did some really risky things to get by on my own. Now, everything worked out well for me in the end! But I got help from a lot of strangers. Many of them were wise older women who never asked questions, just gave me what they could: a spare room, a job, a place at their table on Christmas. BGR is very much my attempt to do what was done for me, on the widest scale I possibly can.

But if I had a milly?

Ho mah gad, this is embarrassing, but...

My won-the-lottery dream has always been to buy land somewhere beautiful, and build a bunch of tiny-home style cabins around a big main house. Half would be rented out to artists working on finishing a project (writing their book, programming their game, whatever). The income from those rentals would subsidize the other half of the cabins, which would be free short-term housing for people who need help getting out of shitty situations.

I would live at the big house and manage the property. I’d cook delicious family dinners, and invite interesting speakers, and create a safe and inspiring environment for my guests. We’d have a bunch of old rescued animals around too, because animals can do so much to put life into perspective and teach you how to be kind to yourself AND ALSO BECAUSE ANIMALS ARE V. CUTE.

Obviously BGR would live on, with this sanctuary as its headquarters. With more opportunities to come together in-person, we could host seminars and retreats and conferences. (A pressing need, since the guy who runs our main industry conference took a hard right turn onto MAGA Alley and got canceled faster than a critically-acclaimed LGBT tv show.)

Sorry, Piggy, in this dream, you and Bear would have to come live with us. I know how much you hate the outdoors, loathe home improvement projects, dread serving huge Italian family-style dinners, despise the thought of teaching city people how to fish, and weep at the idea of playing your guitar out on the lawn while interesting, kind people talked quietly and sipped wine and tapped away on their laptops until the fireflies came out. You said I could answer this question, so you don’t get a say, tough titties.

Thank you for asking this lovely question. The time I wasted on this daydreaming has me fired up for doing all the other things I have to do today! Like editing all these dagum podcast files. I’ll see about getting episode one dropped tomorrow-ish.

What about you guys? What would YOU do?

[the-minyard-twins]

Andreil Fic Rec

I’ve always wanted to do a fic rec so here we are! I’ve read a lot of Andreil recently and these are my top 28 favorite Andreil and AFTG fics

1. Trust Fall (And Welcoming Arms) by SpangleBangle

85k | Explicit

Life goes on after the Foxes win the championship, and for Andrew and Neil it’s uncharted territory with only each other for guides. Maybe it’s time to put away some of those hard edges, and learn how to touch more softly, and speak more honestly. And if they falter, they have their family to help them get back on their feet.

2. Learning To Feel (When You’ve Forgotten How) by thegirlwiththeprettybrowneyes

43k | Teen | No Proust AU

On the night before his first day of therapy at Easthaven, Andrew blows out his legs and decides he isn’t going to bury his feelings anymore, consequences be damned. In return, he gets a schedule change, and a very strange new therapist. /////// “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you,” Andrew finished, looking anywhere but at Neil’s face. Neil looked like he had just realized the sky was blue. “You like me,” Andrew sighed. “Yeah,” he said, resigned “Yeah, Neil, I like you,” /////// No Proust AU

3. Broken by Jeni182

34k | Explicit

Andrew attempts suicide and he and Neil try to navigate his recovery and healing together.

4. Waves by Jeni182 (sequel to Broken)

94k | Explicit

Broken Part II - Neil and Andrew try to navigate life post Andrew’s suicide attempt now that he’s in Denver and Neil’s in his last year at PSU.

5. Funky Happenings with the Fox Family by dobbypussypopper

29k | Teen | text!fic

naughtygayweedcrime: did I rlly just see neil say woke

naughtygayweedcrime: what a surreal timeline we live in

dumbfool: allison is trying to teach me how to meme so I can get hip

naughtygayweedcrime: bless your poor soul

davidwymack: sometimes I regret living

davidwymack has muted exyllent, damnwilds, + 7 others for 30 minutes

6. Something in Return by reaching _my_summit

31k | Mature

“Andrew Minyard, how will you celebrate winning your final college Exy championship?”

“I’m going to Disney World,” Andrew deadpans.

- - -

Andrew’s final year at Palmetto State comes to a close. His future is upon him and there are plans to be made. Years ago, Neil asked Andrew to stop smoking in exchange for something. Andrew finally knows what he wants in return.

7. The Unloved Kids by AlrightDarlin

35k | Not Rated

“I intend to treat them the same. I need strong athletes, not toddlers,” Wymack starts, but sits back with a sigh, running a hand over his face. “But hypothetically, if I had to look after a bunch of toddlers on the weekends…”

Betsy’s eyes crinkle with her smile. “Are you asking advice?”

“They’re screwed up enough,” Wymack says, “I’m not trying to make it worse.”

(David Wymack takes his little nightmares and does his best to corral them and love them within an inch of their lives. He can’t change what happened to them, but he can be there for them now.)

8. Turn it Off by elawless

10k | Mature

“It hurts…so much…too…much” He choked out between breaths. “I want to let go so…bad. I am so close”. He lifted his head to look at Andrew and saw no blue in his eyes and believed Andrew was real, but the rest of the pain was. It was just enough for him to trust Andrew with what he would say next.

“Stay. Give me Neil back. Don’t leave.” Andrew could no longer cover all of his desperation, his voice seemed to crack on the last word.

“Just let me turn it off. Just for today. Neil will come back. Bring him back, for the both of you.”

9. VW Actually Means “Very Weird” by exyjunkies

15k | Gen

If it was just going to be the two of us, then why bring the Volkswagen?

So that if I end up murdering you on this road trip, I’ll have enough space for clean-up.

Neil and Andrew take on the Pacific Coast Highway over the span of two and a half weeks, with a surprise for one of them at the very end.

10. Puzzle Pieces by Nikotheamazingspoonklepto

59k | Explicit | Series

Neil’s life is a puzzle, the people in it are the pieces that give everything meaning. Together they make a picture of happiness.

11. diet mountain dew by reaching_my_summit

2k | Teen

neil thinks andrew is very pretty. he tells andrew exactly that.

12. For Science by ClockworkDragon, DeyaAmaya

8k | Explicit

“Here’s what I propose: we’ll play a game, and I’ll even let you pick which one, but we’re going to set some stakes. I’m not going to let you talk big and walk away free of punishment if you lose.” Without hesitating, Kevin asked, “Fine, I choose Trivial Pursuit. What are the stakes?” Allison put a finger to her lips and tilted her head, as if she was actually thinking of a response and didn’t plan this whole thing days ago. “Hmm, did you know the spirit store recently added fox themed thigh-high socks to their stock? They’ve become quite popular amongst cheerleaders.” This statement seemed to throw Kevin off because he just stared blankly at Allison until she continued. Andrew was not, however, an idiot. He could see where this was going. “How about whoever loses has to wear the socks for an entire school day; including morning and evening practices?” “Holy shit,” Nicky whispered. “You are one devious bitch.” Allison winked.

13. ain’t no rest for the wicked by dearhappy

8k | Teen | Lucifer!AU

“You really expect me to believe that?“ Neil asks, "Especially when his girlfriend said that he’d always been worried about what you’d ask for in return, and that he called you the Devil.”

“I don’t lie,” Andrew says simply. “You can think whatever you want.”

“Why was he so worried if that was all it was?”

“He made a deal with the Devil,” Andrew says, “Tell me you wouldn’t be worried about that.”

14. Not Damsels, not Knights by my_unlikely_hero

93k | Mature

Neil is not a damsel, Andrew is not a knight, Riko is not a dragon. Nobody gets saved. Not really.

Or: Riko goes too far, and Neil is left in pieces.

15. The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine by gluupor

48k | Gen | Series | Brooklyn 99!AU

A series of short, ridiculous, mostly plotless stories featuring the Foxes as the cops of the Ninety-Ninth Precinct.

16.  Not Only You and Me by orphan_account (part of a series)

18k | Explicit | Porn!AU

Andrew, Neil and Kevin film Foxy’s first gay threesome porn scene.

Cue the feelings.

17. High School Science by fuzzballsheltipants

30k | Teen/Explicit (parts 1-3 are Teen and part 4 is Explicit) | Series 

High School!AU

18. False Equivalence by sunrise_and_death

22k | Teen

Some part of her had known it would come back to Neil. He was the one who had cracked the twins the first time. Of anyone, he was the most likely to have a solution for this as well.

Although the events of the previous year resolved a lot of issues, Katelyn quickly discovers that not every problem has been addressed. As she attempts to map a future in which Aaron has both her and his family, she finds herself once again working with Neil Josten—to unexpected results.

19. trans andrew by aceaaronminyard, autisitcandrewminyard

30k | Explicit | trans!Andrew

a fanfic series for a tfc au where andrew minyard wasn’t registered into the system as andrew doe but as erin doe.

mostly set post-tkm. mostly porn.

20. Advice and Amusement by Autumnalhogwarts

11k | Teen

After a series of failed attempts to woo Renee, Allison turns to Andrew for help. As Renee’s best guy friend he’s in a unique position to offer advice. However, that doesn’t mean he’ll be willing to.

21. Kidnapped by Shell_Writes

21k | Explicit

Neil and Aaron get kidnapped by four deranged men while the team is on a camping trip. shit happens and they have to escape this horror house. together.

22. Return of Dad!Mack by SensationalSunburst

14k | Gen | Series

Dad!Wymack & Mom!Abby

23. For He’s A Jolly Good Felon by gluupor

4k | Teen | Felon!Neil

What’s a guy to do when he’s forced to go to his conservative, homophobic aunt and uncle’s for Thanksgiving dinner?

Why, invite along his ex-con, tattooed, argumentative roommate as his fake boyfriend, of course.

24. make my heart shake (bend and break) by WaifsandStrays

4k | Explicit

Aaron develops a fascination with Kevin’s dick, has a sexuality crisis and feelings and fails to process any of it.

25. Across the Water by transandrewminyard

13k | Teen | trans!Andreil

Perhaps several years too late, or maybe right on time, Neil Josten runs away from home and tries to dream a new life for himself. How poetic that his first night out on his own would deliver him to a stranger who seems to understand everything he’s been through, and then some?

26. Prompt: Andrew and Neil get to babysit Sophie by orphan_account

14k | Mature | part of a series

What it says on the tin, basically.

Aaron and Matt leave for a few days and ask Andrew and Neil to babysit Sophie. Baby-sized exy is involved. Also lots and lots of angst. But there is a happy ending!

27. Salt Bros and Roller Derby Vixens by moonix

14k | Teen | Series

Roller Derby!AU

28. Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder by priorwalter

12k | Teen | Felon!Neil, Author!Andrew

“So,” Neil asks as he washes his paint-covered hands in the kitchen sink, “Christmas.”

Andrew glares and says nothing. This year, Neil and Andrew are spending Christmas with Andrew’s brother, Aaron Minyard. Aaron Minyard, Andrew’s twin whose existence was unknown to him until two months previous. Aaron Minyard, an orthopedic surgeon with a wife (an oncologist, naturally) and two daughters. Aaron Minyard, who grew up with a mother that chose him.

**

Andrew Doe has survived until age twenty-nine without any biological family, and his life turned out pretty good, considering all of the reasons it shouldn’t have. At age twenty-nine, Andrew’s book becomes a bestseller and leads his long-lost twin brother to him. Familial drama ensues.

#aftg #all for the game #tfc #the foxhole court #andreil #aftg fic rec #fic rec

[bionicdragonguardian1]

Voltron Rewritten Defender (1/8)

Also known as My Almost Raging Bitch List for this Goddamn Disastrous Disappointment of a Show

I binged all 8 seasons in under a week, so believe me when I say almost nothing was forgotten between seasons/episodes and I do tend to note that.

If it’s not obvious by the title, I’m planning an entire show AU. I am extremely open to people’s opinions on what I’m currently thinking and when I finally post this I’ll be open to criticism there too. If you would like to avoid seeing anything in regards to this feel free to blacklist #voltron_rewritten_defender because that’s what I’ll be using for this whole thing.

Enjoy, I guess.

Fair warning I am a multishipper, but for this show I leaned towards Klance, so if that bothers you that’s okay, I’m not going to be bashing any other ships (mainly just Dreamworks’ forced Allurance). If you think I missed something for any other ship lemme know! If you wanna have a ship discussion that’s cool too. The only other thing I can think of is that Allura’s attitude in S8 really stuck with me to the point that she bothered me throughout the entire rewatch (I was admittedly one of the people who thought she could be very Mary Sue ish when I first watched this) so that’ll show up now and again.

If you want to look at the Google Doc for the whole show, click the link, if not you can expand this post to see Season 1. I’ll be doing these in chunks, but as some of you know I do a FicRecList on one of my other accounts here @sorcerusdragonbionics​ so I’m gonna be alternating between that and these for the next couple days.

If you do the Google Route it’ll have you ask me for permission, this is normal and if you request it I’ll give you commenting abilities.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t30IRJonrBFh0qvs8recf3ayGoQ0rx02y0Tg1e4NTaI/edit?usp=sharing

Key

Things I kinda wanna bitch about

Things I did genuinely enjoy and like 

Rewatch Thoughts (basically what I remember from further forward and how I feel like it reflects back on earlier seasons)

Ship Talk (behold my multishipping insanity)

Things I think I’ll do in the Rewrite

Writing Notes (mainly for me or as explanation for what I’m planning)

VA and Closed Captioning Things

Other Fic Thoughts

This ended up being music commentary in S8

Season One

Problems with the Season overall:

To be honest if I hated this season I wouldn’t’ve kept watching because by the time I started S3 had just dropped

Episode 1

Here’s the deal, WHY ARE YOU SO LONG BUT SO EMPTY?!?

Yeah, nope, that’s mostly it

Fix the problem of telling instead of showing about the other Lions and remove Allura’s explanation of the Lions if possible (thank you Kross for explaining why it felt so empty- this vid is actually where I started getting the idea to actually go through with a full series AU)

DON'T RUSH THE LION INTROS

Also let the 5 introduce themselves to Allura and Coran

Also Character Drive to Complete Mission Should Be A Thing

Flesh out Paladin Personalities so that the Aris Arrival is End of Part One (making it closer to the length of E1)

Flesh out Lion intros so part 2+3 are more like full Eps without Sendak

Episode 2

75 degrees… that’s definitely in Fahrenheit, which why?

How does no one have a watch with a date on them?

“A man can be driven to do anything if a beautiful woman is just really really mean to him”

More inbetween scenes bc I can

I will accept the transformation sequence here, I’m just not going to write it

Episode 3

Please watch the use of Earth Time Slices please, because it’s confusing

I love the portrayal of PTSD in this show and I would die before I change it

Bye bye transformation sequence

Pidge’s talk with Shiro can please change

Episode 4

“I say Vol, you say Tron” will come up again if it kills me

Lance, how do you know what hotdog water and feet taste like?

I love how Coran is completely nonchalant about the fact that he’s drinking a hair tonic

Shiro, don’t bring down the mood

Goddammit Sendak, you could stay for this arc, but god I want you GONE!

Keith, having an emotion? Really?

The Pidge plot DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN LIKE THAT!

Fight me I will change it

Or minimally change the fact that their selfish motivations are revealed to BAD and should be changed

Oh yeah, let’s not give the ONE GUY with notable homesickness a character arc around that

That moment when you realize Allura is like ‘wtf is a peanut’

Allura, don’t push it, some people don’t want to talk about it

You will have something to talk about, BIOLOGY

Decryption happens here, and next attempt to find family occurs… when?

Poor Coran, if there is anyone who was more forgotten than Lance it was him

Keith isn’t wrong, but he also doesn’t know how to say it without getting mad, which mood

Just pointing out Lance is not only smart, but selfless, tell me how he’s not the main character

My inner Shance/Klance shipper is sobbing

“Bomb fuel” mentioned here, occurs… actually it’s ok

Timelines need to be a thing!

Can I make the fight scenes more intense? Yes, I write them for my YJ Scripts. Will I? Almost definitely.

Keith with that much fire your mask should be closed because smoke inhalation is bad

Can we explain Vrepit Sa before s6?

It feels like Coran forgets that 10k years have passed under an evil empire and part of me likes it, but it hurts me

Episode 5

The Katie flashback is hurts me

I want to add Gender Identity

Can we talk about how Shiro is a nickname for Takashi Shirogane?

That’s not how an EMP works

The Coran sitting on Hunk’s shoulders with a machine gun is everything

I know the back x-ray was a joke, but I still don’t like it

Rax is an idiot, just saying

Bonding Moment!!!

Episode 6

“Intergalactic time measuring competition.”

“We had a bonding moment!”

Where is Sendak’s arm?

Fight me, Pidge’s ‘gender speech’

It will be a gender speech if it kills me

Lance, why are you acting the way you are?

“I figured” and “We were supposed to think you were a boy” ARE NOT PROPER REACTIONS!

Rolo, sometimes I want to punch you in the teeth

Lance’s boner is going to get someone killed

Lance had 4sec of logic and then Nyma brings up Keith, which ofc does him in

Let’s expand on the Komar, yeah?

Quiznack means fuck and NO ONE can tell me otherwise

Keith’s ability to fly is impressive and it’s awesome

Friendly reminder that Lance acknowledged the bonding moment

Episode 7

I LOVE the laser gun sound effects!!!

I just realized that Allura has no clue what an Acronym is

We… literally just talked about this and YOU didn’t know that Shiro, I understand the point, but seriously?

LIONS are TELEPATHIC Shiro DID NOT need to say that aloud!

I do actually like the fact that Kieth gets excited before realizing what he did

FIRE and ICE PEOPLE come on! What the hell?! You barely had to try

“Yes sir?” Keith to Shiro, what?

I love them and their cute little arguments

Left vs Right, thank you Zamber

We be lovin’ Hunay bc it’s pure as hell

Thank you Shiro for validating Hunk’s concerns

You could check  a little faster, Allura

I LIVE for this scene

Was it actually Rolo?

Do they have teleporters?

Keith being weird is my favorite thing

I love good big bros who argue tradition to save their baby sis

Zarkon is a bit of a moron

THEIR LIVES ARE IN DANGER ALLURA!

They all came through different doors… how?

What if the answer was no?

I’m ok with Lance embarrassing himself when he’s cocky, some people seem to forget that

Bye transformation sequence, I explained you ONCE and that’s it

Prorock… why are you familiar?

Episode 8

I admittedly forgot that they didn’t know these things would be different

Flying fight scenes I can do, teleporting not so much

Poor Shiro he thought he had an idea and he was wrong

I love Coran’s reaction

Also NO SHIT Allura

UHHHH Pidge said that not and of the other three so how did He know?

Allura may piss me off, but I do love this speech

“Your Altean Energy”??? Coran, you’re an Altean, I’m confused.

The “Sacred Altean” thing I get, but you must be more specific cuz it makes Coran sound like he thinks he’s not a proper Altean.

Oof, angsty

Also, I  know we can’t kill Allura yet, but... 

I love that Hunk forgot they hadn’t formed Voltron

Bye bye transformation sequence

Ummm, they NEED to explain the Bayard Equip bc that’s… two very different things that occurred between Hunk and Keith’s Bayard Weapons

Why is this a scene? It’s not a dog. So, yeah, I’m with Keith here

Episode 9

THIS IS NOT HEALTHY ALLURA!

I just realized that this doesn’t come back until S..7? 8? Whatever, WAY too long

I can’t unhear “Training Dick”

Did they have homework on Altea?

Be still my Punk shipper heart

WHY is he SO pretty?!

Y’know, the glowing red eye is usually a bad sign

I could SO mean and hurt Keith here

That moment when you’re like 90% sure Shiro heard that somewhere

Not what haunted means Coran, but accurate

Why could Lance see Alfor for a second?

I too would like the answer to “where was the Red Lion?”

PTSD IS AMAZINGLY WRITTEN!

It’s a shame this is NEVER treated properly again

Thank you for NOT making the swimming thing a thing

You didn’t need to TRY Voltron, what the hell?!

Here’s the deal,  Altea not being Obliterated-obliterated is actually a really interesting idea

Lance still wins, for the record

If she was infected in any way this wouldn’t drive me crazier than a bot on Halloween

But she’s not so this is BULL

Shallura confuses me SO much…

Ok, admittedly the scene with Allura and Alfor is beautifully heartbreaking

Episode 10

The fact that Zarkon was a close friend to Alfor should be addressed

Also Shiro calling himself “an inexperienced Pilot” hurts

Allura’s a MORON!

YES! MASSIVE ISSUE WITH YOU COMING

Nice puppetry Hunk

What happened to THIS Allura?! She’s reckless but not INSANE (or so boring I might cry)!

Is this the same Druid from Season 8? Pretty sure it’s 8… I forget which, but the one Keith fought

“Don’t walk through that door!” / Keith does/ “I think I told him” // “You are a paragon of leadership, Lance”

Hehheh I love Hunk teasing Lance about Allura

I do actually the fact that I can’t tell what size the purple container is until Keith grabs it

Heheh the Allura interacting with the Galra soldier

The computer sounds like Lance

Also Shiro had that “holy shit” moment

I HATE WRITING TELELPORTING FIGHTS

I’m 99% sure that the ONLY reason I didn’t fall into the Galra Keith rabbit hole was the fact that I binge watched

This scene confuses me… so much now that I know Shallura was apparently never going to be a thing

So confused

Episode 11

That hair flip though...

Coran, I get it, but calm down

Okay, but Keith has a point. Seriously, he’s not wrong. 

For the record, Haggar scares me

So much makes so much more sense now that we know Zarkon is the Original Black Paladin

That… makes no sense… “enough essence to open a wormhole”

Why are you transforming? More pieces to shoot at is usually a smart idea…

Hey hey, THACE!

Why can’t you have two active at once? I’m honestly serious.

I mean too OP, got it, but you can maneuver around that for temporary stuff

Shiro, use your words, yeah?

“Thinking” uh huh you mean “telepathy” right?

I genuinely forgot that Shiro got booted from Black

Damn! Yes Shiro! Kick some ass!

Ok, here’s the deal, Keith’s not listening to Coran, but he doesn’t have all the info (LIKE THE FUCKING BAYARD), Zarkon’s the OG Paladin, and he’s in distress

I HATE TELEPORTERS!

“Could have been” … uh Kuron exists ?? 

Also, Shiro with yellow eyes is fucking terrifying

We ain’t ficking stupid VLD

Zarkon’s a fucking idiot

Written properly his power-hungry attitude works even with him destroying his own ship

But it wasn’t so it’s null

You aren’t even subtle about Galra Keith

How can Allura see through Illusions?

Nobody knows!

Shiro, you have no jetpack, how are you so fast?

“Who cares, wormhole!” mood

I… uh… I want to do SO many things with this idea

Preferably not what they actually do...

#voltron legendary defender #voltron legendary disappointment #voltron legendary disgrace #voltron legendary disaster #voltron #voltron rewritten defender #voltron season 1 #ship thoughts #multishipper #episode thoughts #season thoughts #shiro #lance #keith #voltron allura #pidge #hunk #coran

[loquaciouseric]

Read

✆ ~ social media au

⁂  ~ series

❀  ~ mature

☁  ~ angst

❤  ~ fluff

☯  ~ mafia au

♔  ~ royal au

☤   ~ vampire au

BTS 

Kim Seokjin 

LOVELY LITTLE MESS (M)  ~ elling seokjin of your pregnancy should not be so daunting, but you keep it hidden from him as long as you can—at least until you are sitting with him in a bathtub and the secret comes spilling out. (expecting parents au)

⇢ genre: fluff, smut

⇢ word count: 6.14k

the boss ~ Jin comes back from a mission gone wrong, and while it only seems simple, you find it’s really your past coming back to haunt you. ~ angst, smut, gang au, mafia au ~ 12.2k

Golden Boy ~ The golden boy of the porn industry, prettier than half his female co-stars. Will sue if you pull his hair. Always bothering his neighbours with pizza delivery. ~ 9,208

a kiss of marble ~ His gaze trails down your nose and lingers on your lips, before falling to the curve of your neck and the tiny bend of your shoulder visible above your t-shirt, the attention so acute and suggestive that it feels like a tangible brush on your skin. “Hmm… I’ve got a few ideas.” ~ smut, fluff, supernatural, vampire!au ~ 9.9k

BOBSY-DIE ~ Anonymous said to rbuns: Not sure if you’re doing requests but Halloween related I would die for a seokjin or Namjoon or taehyung werewolf fic of them being in heat and smuttyness and knitting and risk of pregnancy?? Like the whole “I’m gonna fill you with my cum have my pups bitch” type fic. I just need a rough dom wolf and extremely horny bratty sub reader and knotting. Even better if the reader is just a hybrid or a werecat?? Love werewolf werecat relationships. ~ smut, angst, fluff, wolf!au, supernatural creatures!au ~ 11.6k

blue scales ~ the plan was to woo the pretty human and make her love him back. it was most definitely not almost kill the human every time he forgot he’s a bloody siren and his taylor swift singing fests in the shower are deadly as shit. ~ fluff, angst ~ 4.3k

SILLY KITTY ~ hybrid au, fluff ~ 21.7k

All Along ~ It’s no surprise when you learn you’ll soon be engaged to one of the Kim brothers. What does come as a shock, is just how determined Seokjin is to make sure that person is him. ~ arranges!marriage ~ 13k

The Pretenders ~ wolf!au ~ 12,339

Pink Panther ~ hybrid!au, smut ~ 13k

The Act of Persuasion ~ When two critters arrive at his doorstep he didn’t know that they would cause a bear who marched to the rhythm of the ants realises there’s more to life walking in straight lines. However in order walk out of those lines he had to make a deal to save others and his two little ones, but at what cost? Then there’s me, the one who only sees in parallel. I walk in the footprints my parents have made in the path. What happens when my perspective changes because of a silly bear? ~ bear hybrid, actress, CEO, arranged Marriage, fluff, angst, single parent ~ 20.9k

off limits ~ you’ve been lusting after your brother’s best friend for a while now, ever since you met him at a house party, flirting it up a storm as you failed to realise who the other was. That was months ago now and things are still awkward, but you can’t ignore the sexual tension that’s simmers between the two of you…and it keeps getting worse… ~  brother’s best friend au; smut, angst, fluff ~ 8 parts/82,795

show me ~ your friend Jin has a proposition for you that you can’t seem to refuse, no matter how hard you try. ~ smut, fluff, little angst ~ 14,138

what 2 do ~ what happens when the college roommate you thought was definitely going to be girl turns out to be the most gorgeous guy you’ve ever encountered in all your years of life? It’s a stupid misunderstanding on your part, but maybe, just maybe, it won’t be so bad after all… ~ smut, fluff, slight angst ~ 13,759

dimple ~ What’s the rule again? How many dates does it take for you have sex with a guy? Three? Five? Ten?! What if all this waiting and you can’t remember how to do it? It’s been so long since the last time you swear you’ve forgotten! You’re desperate, and that’s how you end up asking your roommate for help. Only trouble is, you get much more than you bargained for… ~ smut, comedy, slight angst, romance, slow burn, roommates/friends ~ 14,725

𝕄𝕚𝕟 𝕐𝕠𝕠𝕟𝕘𝕚

CARING IS CREEPY ❤  ~ ❛❛we hooked up last night even though i rarely do that kind of thing and now you’re cornering me in the cafe and oh god apparently you think i’m cute and want to go on a date this is not at all what i anticipated❜❜ (bad boy au; college au)

Conveniently  ~ Slice of life, Single Parent!Reader, Convenience Store Owner!Yoongi, lots of fluff, tiny bit of angst because I’m me and cannot be stopped, smut. ~ 22k.

Amor Vincit Omnia ~ Arranged Marriage Gang! AU . BTS Suga /Min Yoongi and OC . The worst thing you can do to a guy? Marry him when he begs you not to. Worst thing you can do to yourself? Fall in love with him afterwards. ~ Violence , Romance, Drama ~ 20 parts

a heart full of love ~ people say that actors are the most dramatic people in the world but those people haven’t met a certain min yoongi.{enemies to lovers!au, high school!au, actor!au} ~ fluff, angst ~ 10k

annoying ✆ ~ enemies to lovers ~ 20 parts

COFFEE TASTE ❀ ~   As in what happens when you disturb your boyfriend late at night in his studio uninvited and try to lure him home. ~ 2963

UNDER CONSTRUCTION ✆ ~ In which y/n is just trying to figure out what to do with her life with the help from her (un)helpful friends ~ 50 parts

THE GALAXY IN OUR HEARTS ~  min yoongi has been raising his daughter on his own her entire life, convinced that he needs no one else apart from their family of two. you come along to change that. (single parent au) ~ 6.16k ~ fluff

ink petals ~ when Yoongi turns to your shop for drawing practice inspiration, neither of you could have forseen the way things unfold and just how deep you both would fall. ~ tattooartist!yoongi, florist!oc, smut, fluff, angst ~ 10.5k

All I Want for Christmas ~ singledad, CEO!yoongi x secretary!reader ~ 13k

aquiver ~ Yoongi can’t remember the last time he was able to successfully bring himself to the point of orgasm, then Namjoon gives him a business card advertising ‘Healing Hands’, and that’s where he meets you; pretty and innocent looking, who gets paid to provide hand jobs for a living…  ~ smut ~ 8 parts 

Act On It ~ You learn that the cute barista you’ve been crushing on might have an…otherworldly disposition after you accidentally cut yourself. ~ college!au, coffee shop!au, vampire!au, Fluff, Angst, Smut ~ 15,639

Breakfast in Bed ~  “Min Yoongi, a grumpy Ikea employee, is wondering who you are and why exactly you’re sleeping in the display bed at his Ikea.” ~ ikea employee!au, smut, fluff, semi crack/humour ~ 12k

City Lights ~ Min Yoongi is the one man in your life who you love unconditionally, despite having ended your relationship a month prior. It’s not until you spot him at a nightclub do you realise that maybe it wasn’t a great idea to go out after all. ~ fluff, angst ~ 7.033

ivory paws ~ Winter time brings Christmas, and the snow outside brought you a stray cat. But your little companion is far more unique than meets the eye, and in a time of need, he becomes the biggest surprise and best holiday gift of them all. ~ shifter!yoongi, fluff, angst, smut ~ 8.8k

BASKETBALLCAPTAIN ~ 18.4k

keep the change ~ typically an old man works the night shift at Greg’s Place. however, it seems there’s a new cute guy working the register at night now. and it just so happens it’s finals week… ~ light humor, fluff, smut, cashier!yoongi ~  5.3k

Forever, We Are Young ~ A story in which everyone is a poor college kid, Min Yoongi is a pianist who never seems to sleep, and you are a plucky young art student with some eccentric friends. ~ pianist!yoongi x art student!reader (feat. photographer!taehyung), social media au, fluff, humor ~ 40 parts

hybrid!yoongi

THE SUGAR WARS  ~ Maybe tasting everything his soulmate eats wouldn’t be so bad if Yoongi’s soulmate didn’t have the largest sweet tooth Ever. Maybe you wouldn’t need to sweeten everything if he didn’t drink his coffee so bitter ~ soulmate!au ~ 5.3k

CEO!YOONGI ~  21k

MAYBE I’M A LITTLE DANGEROUS (MAYBE LOVE IS TOO) ~ RARE SOULMATE MARKS DON’T GUARANTEE THAT YOU FIND YOUR SOULMATE EASILY, AND WHEN YOUR SOULMATE IS THE HEAD OF A MAFIA, BEING TOGETHER WILL NEVER BE EASY EITHER… ~ mafia!au ~ 4.3k

At Your Service ~ Your Grandpa adopted him, ex-K-9 police dog hybrid, to kept the auto shop safe. He had to fulfill his viscous guard dog hybrid appeal, but he was putty in your hands. However, when an unexpected event happens you take ownership of Yoongi, your best friend…but when tensions build, will he want to stay with you? ~ Fluff, Smut, Hybrid au ~ 10k

Sticky Honey ~ yoongi’s every day life with you is a gift, you’re his favourite human ~ smut, tattoo artist/vampire!yoongi ~ 6,907

Ink and Honey ~ yoongi has been around for centuries, he’s a tattoo artist when he meets you. he becomes completely, and utterly intoxicated with you ~ smut, tattoo artist, vampire!yoongi ~ 10,203

mastering ~ smut ~ 5,333

show off ~ smut, light fluff & angst ~ 6,044

ANDROID!YOONGI  ~  24k

a brush of silk ~  His lips curl around your around your neck, whispering, “I want slow today. You good with that, baby?”“You say that like you ever want anything else, old man,” you quip back, your voice a tad breathless. ~ smut, vampire au, idol au, supernatural au ~ 5.6k

Late Bloomer ~ wolf!au ~ 21,041

Kitten’s Little Flame ~ You (cat hybrid) have transferred to a new elementary school because your parents have moved towns. You start your new kindergarten class and meet other hybrids, but one special one catches your eye, Yoongi, the dragon hybrid. How will you manage this new environment? ~ fluff, slight angst, hybrid, children BTS ~ 6 parts

settle down ~ An unfortunate event finds you living with the man you practically despise over the summer. However, maybe through a series of fortunate events, you find yourself falling for him… ~ smut, angst, fluff, slow burn, enemies to lovers ~ 14,930

INSEMINATION WARS P1 ~ getting pregnant isn’t an easy feat, especially when balancing work and a stubborn husband. a chronological compilation that highlights the trial and error of good old-fashioned baby making ~ 5k

INSEMINATION WARS P2 ~ after a winded six months of trying to get pregnant, you find yourself seeking help by means of sometimes ludicrous methods. or, part two of a chronological compilation that highlights the trial and error of good old-fashioned baby making. ~ 15k

INSEMINATION WARS P3 ~ as the first trial year dwindles to a close, things begin to settle. or, part three of a chronological compilation that highlights the trial and error of good old-fashioned baby making. ~ 18k

Please Be Naked ~ you find it’s easy to become addicted to a distraction… ~ smut, angst, rebound au ~ 8 parts

RULE OF THIRST ~ vampires were just folklore until yoongi became one. now he’s got only two emotions: you and hunger. and tonight, you let him feed off you. ~ vampire au ~ 12k

boy.girl ~ Boy. Girl. It’s as simple as that. Girl can’t get a good date—scrap that—girl can’t get a good lay, and boy is willing to help out with that… Friends with benefits seems the perfect solution, except for the fact, it’s not. It never is. Not when boy already has feelings for girl… ~ smut, slight angst, romance, friends with benefits au, roommate! yoongi ~ 14,139

Skin Deep ~ Tattoo artist!Reader AU. Friends to lovers, slow burn. Smut. ~ 10 parts

kitten ~  Yoongi’s focus on work has subjected your relationship to having a dry spell, and with a little prompting from your best friend, you tell him exactly what he should do. But you don’t make the rules kitten, and the game you’re choosing to play is a dangerous one. ~ smut ~ 11.4k

𝕁𝕦𝕟𝕘 ℍ𝕠𝕤𝕖𝕠𝕜

enigma ✆ ~ despite having two loud-mouth best friends and a confident older brother by her side, y/n has never been a very outgoing person.  however, just because she isn’t the most talkative person, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a secret or two to share. ~ 36 parts

BLOOM ~ your soulmate’s first words to you will be burned into the skin of your wrist upon first meeting them. no one anticipated that yours would turn out to be a world famous rapper by the name of jung hoseok. ~ soulmate au, celebrity au, flower shop au, fluff, light angst ~ 1.8k

WITHOUT YOU (I CAN’T BREATH) ~ HOSEOK THINKS THAT HOME IS A PLACE YOU CAN PLOT ON A MAP. BUT HE REALIZES THAT LIVING BY HIMSELF IS LONELY. HE GETS A NEW PLACE AND PUTS OUT AN AD FOR A ROOMMATE- WHAT HE DOESN’T EXPECT IS YOU- SOMEONE WHO HAS NO KNOWLEDGE OF BTS- AND HE’LL DO ANYTHING TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.  ~ 3.4k

Night Stalker ~ Vampires are a thing of legend, and yet you find yourself being saved by a self-proclaimed vampire hunter. Only your saviour is half-vampire himself, and struggles with his base instincts. What happens when you get to know him more and feel an attraction you can’t help? ~ Angst, violence, smut, fluff ~ 17.6k

guarded hearts ~ when you fall on hard times while taking care of your daughter, and hoseok is there to help. ~ fluff/angst ~ 4 parts

Iridescence ~ he colours your life from day 1 ~ fluff, angst, soulmate!au ~ 7.2k

in the car ~ all you had was a dead car battery, you weren’t looking for romance, regardless if the charming mechanic had other ideas. You’ve heard stories that could put you off… Can he change your misconceptions, or will they prove correct after all…?  ~ smut, romance, slight angst, mechanic! hoseok, street racer! hoseok ~ 14,739

THE NIGHT SHIFT ~ working the graveyard shift means you’re exhausted by the time 9am comes around. lucky for you, 9am happens to be your neighbours’ favourite time for obnoxious sex. lucky for them, you’re always up for a challenge. shitty neighbours don’t always have to be a bad thing. ~ smut ~ 11k

𝕂𝕚𝕞 ℕ𝕒𝕞𝕛𝕠𝕠𝕟

Idol!Namjoon ✆ ~ With 7.6 billion people alive, does your soulmate really live around the corner? Namjoon meets you during his Italy trip and keeps in touch with you afterwards. Will your connection endure his lifestyle and the distance? ~ 25 parts

Oh, Baby ~ You wake up tied to a chair. This nice-looking blond haired guy says it’s because you have information he wants, but you have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Why? Because he’s a bit of an idiot, that’s why. ~ Smut, mafia!au ~ 9 parts

BEAUTY & THE BOOKWORM ~  librarian!namjoon, university!au, fluff,angst,smut ~ 20.8k

BUTTERFINGERS ~ hybrid!au, teacher!au ~ 8.2k

Obligated ~  Married by obligation, weighed down by circumstance. Except for those nights when you’re both drunk, falling into bed with one another and realizing you’re human. Occasionally this happens, occasionally you fuck. Until your life changes and you realize Namjoon, the very man you’re obligated to, might just be the very man that you crave. ~ arranged!marriage  ~ 6k

ℙ𝕒𝕣𝕜 𝕁𝕚𝕞𝕚𝕟

Fuckboy!Jimin ✆ ~ College Friends to Lovers ~16 parts

FOREVER IS A LONG TIME ~ the benefits of being a psychic include understanding other people’s emotions, intuitively avoiding toxic people, and taking glimpses of the beautiful possible future. the drawbacks of being a psychic include knowing forever that park jimin will be the love of your life and spending years longing for him to finally show up. (psychic au) ~ fluff, very light angst, some implied sexual content ~ 7.84k

shades of wrong ~ In which you’re sure you’ll hate Park Jimin with every fiber of your being for the rest of your existence, even after he is assigned as your tutor for History of Magic. ~  fluff/smut; harry potter au word count: 17.321

Midday ~ jimin refuses to sleep, he wants to spend time with you and maybe today you’ll let that slide ~ fluff, light smut, punk/tattooed! jimin ~ 2,005 (3 more)

Star Light, Star Bright ~ Life has not gone exactly how Park Jimin imagined, and yet he can’t possibly imagine his life any different to what it is now. After six hard and stressful years, he’s now the happy owner of a degree along with being the proud dad of his little girl. But what happens when he meets you and his life is tipped upside down once more? ~ Fluff, smut, angst ~ 17.5k

Blooming Days ~  A typical night for you begins at the library in your favourite chair underneath the lamp in the corner, only to be picked up at 3am by your best friend, Jimin. Despite having slept over in his room several times before, this certain night in Sigma house leads to far more than you ever imagined. But what is to come of your friendship once you reveal those two little lines that will change your lives forever? ~ fluff, smut, angst & humour ~ 15.390

turbulence ~ On your first flight the cute boy next to you helps to sooth your nerves, and on the second flight he soothes something else. ~ smut ~ 9.3k

accelerate ~ Jimin comes to retrieve his jacket on the condition that you then accompany him for dinner, and you can bet he satiates every hunger. ~ smut, fluff ~ 8.9k (sequel to turbulence)

inhale ~  smut, fluff ~ 5,263

TENSION ~ Jimin and you are always flirty. When his childhood friend, Jungkook, visits, they show they’ve always been competitive. What happens, then, when both of them set their sights on you? ~ 6,285

TIMID ~ Jimin was by far the cutest person you’d ever seen, but he always seemed to avoid you, dodging activities and events that included you. That changes when his home is compromised and he finds himself staying with you while it’s being repaired. ~ fluff, soft, hybrid!au ~ 8.4k

A MATTER OF PRIDE ~ You make some comments that wound Jimin’s pride and threaten his standing as Best Lover of the group so he sets out to prove you wrong the only way he knows how. ~ smut ~ 4.5k

a bite of the apple ~ “The thought of Jimin not being able to feed from someone other than you is troubling in more than one sense– there will be times, like the past week, when you physically can’t be there for him, and what would happen in an emergency, if he somehow got hurt and needed a transfusion, if his body rejected the blood of someone else. And that’s not even considering the long term implications of that…. “We’ll deal with that later,” you say, concern building at the thought, but the red in his eyes is growing brighter and brighter, his breathing heavier and heavier, and the wild energy humming under his skin is only growing more static.” ~ smut, supernatural, idol au, vampire au ~ 8.6k

BENEATH THE WATER ~ mermaid!au ~ 20.5k

open 24/7 ~ ❝ you effortlessly testing his patience plus his fiery temper are a deadly mix, aren’t they? ❞  ~  idol au, smut ~ 5.1k

sunny day ~  you’re a veterinary student specializing in hybrid care when you get a call in the middle of the night that a feral hybrid has broken into the clinic where you work. ~ 6 parts

dark side of the moon ~ falling in love at first sight is cliche, not until it happens to you on a dark night in a lonely alley. but you’re only human, while Park Jimin is Alpha of his pack; it could never work out. so you resort to pining for him like a wolf howling at the moon, but when Jimin goes feral, that’s when everything changes. ~ werewolf!au, smut ~ 11.1k

Cupid’s Bow ~ when your pact with Jimin to lose your virginity before Valentine’s Day fails, you decide to just lose it to each other... ~ smut ~ 8357

little monster ~ you’ve been good friends with your roommate Jimin for a while, occasionally flirting with each other, especially when you’ve had a drink, but nothing has ever happened between the two of you…until that is, he secretly listens to you and Namjoon have sex one day…He thinks you don’t know, but he’s wrong… ~ smut, masturbation, teasing ~ 8,844

TRICK SHOT ~  jimin’s the bartender, you’re the billiard hotshot who frequents his bar and challenges him to a clean game of 9-ball after hours. “see if you can make this shot with my hand down your pants” au ~ 8k    (p 1.5)

TRICK SHOT P2 ~ you finally meet your match in a game of 9-ball and you’re pissed about it, so you ask your hot bartender boyfriend to fuck your anger out of you. ~ 8k

hard to say ~ you’ve had feelings for your best friend Jimin for as long as you can remember, but you always thought they were unreciprocated. What if it turned out they weren’t…? ~ smut, fluff, slight angst ~ 11,163

NO STRINGS ~ It started off as such a simple question. How to know if you’re bad in bed? Of course when you asked, you didn’t imagine Jimin would actually answer. ~ 10 parts

friends with benefits ~ when your current squeeze dumps you five seconds after sex, you’re led back down a familiar path and into park jimin’s bed ~ friends with benefits au, smut, light angst ~ 11k

𝕂𝕚𝕞 𝕋𝕒𝕖𝕙𝕪𝕦𝕟𝕘

Single mom!au ⁂ ~ 4 parts

Serendipity ⁂ ~ “Hey, you’re my new neighbor and you cry every night, are you okay?” ~ 26 parts

college dad!au⁂ ~ 30 parts

broken rings & queens and kings ~  to make a long, long story very, very short, you and kim taehyung have been sworn enemies ever since childhood, that is, until you find out that you’re betrothed to each other for the good of your kingdoms, and everything comes crumbling down. ~  24k ~  fluff, light angst, light smut

DADDY ISSUES ~ fluff, angst, smut ~ 16.1k 

Keep Your Chin Up ~ Nobody’s ever been able to get you off, including yourself, and you’re really starting to think sex is overrated until your best friend changes your mind. ~ smut ~ 5,646

the t-shirt thief ~ In the midst of your loneliness due to Taehyung’s absence, you decide that you need a distraction, which somehow manifests itself as going over to his apartment and stealing a t-shirt or two… or three…  ~ fluff, smut ~ 9,812

little dove ~ The best things always show up when you least expect them. ~ smut, angst, werewolf!au ~ 14k

1-800-Music-Street ~ you’re enchanted by a street performer and then he saves you, resulting in multiple meetings one can only describe as fate. ~ ↳ au: homeless!taehyung, saxophonist!taehyung, street performer!taehyung ~ 13.2k

Collide ~ Your life had always been wonderfully ordinary. That is… until the day you accidentally bumped into him and ended up with the wrong cellphone and a one-way ticket to a groupchat full of unusual characters… ~ artist!taehyung x waitress!reader, sm au, crack humor, fluff, smut ~ 45 parts

TREAT YOU BETTER ~ YOU AND TAEHYUNG ARE JUST 2 OUT OF THE MANY PEOPLE THAT GATHER ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF SEOUL. BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’VE GOT A DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND AND TAEHYUNG STARTS TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR YOU? HE DOESN'T GIVE UP IF THAT'S WHAT YOU’RE THINKING… ~ 3k

the wings of a devil ~ You grab a t-shirt and jeans from your closet, the phone still pressed in your ear when you pause. “Are you actually hungry, Taehyung? Or was that just to make sure I would answer the phone?”“What? I wouldn’t do that.” Liar. “But yeah, I could use another round, dance practice yesterday was pretty intense.”Dread and excitement mix in the pit of your stomach, your blood warming at the idea. You hesitate. “Are you actually going to feed, or are you going to do what you did last time?” ~ smut, vampire au, idol au ~ 6k

the monster smash ~ When your friend Hoseok drags you along to a Halloween party, the last thing you expected was to meet the Joker to your Harley. ~ halloween!au, smut, fluff ~ 8.8k

Guilty Pressure ~ Notorious pranker Kim Taehyung is adored by all, but all he really wants is your attention. ~ smut, fluff ~ 9486

don’t fox with my heart, sweet tart ~ “Wait, what?” You gaped at him. “Woah, just because I said that you’re the only–no. No, Taehyung. I’m not leaving my apartment this weekend. This midterm is going to destroy me, I deserve it.”“You’ll have fun, trust me.” He winked, and you wondered how long you’d be banned from the library for throwing a textbook at his stupid, smug face. “Wear something other than sweatpants and my hoodie, kay?” ~ fluff, friends to lovers au, shifter au, valentines au, college au ~ 3.5k

BAD IDEAS ~  your best friend taehyung promises you a night of adventure, and by this you know that he means there’s a 90% chance you two are going to get arrested tonight. but you go along with it anyway, because he’s taehyung, and you can never resist taehyung. + midnight sheenanigans and sexy times ~ smut, fluff, best friends!au ~ 7.245

bookmarked ~  ❝ the hours you spend at the library are a little more bearable around him. but the most nightly hours are full of devils. ❞ ~ college au, smut ~ 9.9k

DICHOTOMY ~  You hate him. He hates you. It’s a fine line though, isn’t it  – between love and hate? ~ Arranged Marriage!AU ~ 14,566

Retracted Claws ~ he found a poor, stray kitten shivering on the streets, and he was determined to make sure she was kept safe ~ hybrid!au, mafia!au, fluff ~ 2/?       (part 2)

Seven Seas ~ Atlantis is a myth; a hidden city, a sunken island, a missing continent. Only…it’s not a myth. Just hidden out of choice. As the daughter of an Atlantean and a human, you are a halfling that is unwanted by the underwater continent and misunderstood by the surface. But what happens when you finally go to Atlantis and meet an Atlantean who is oddly kind to you? ~ Fluff, angst, smut ~ 25.5k

The Firefly that Guards the Fox ~ His mother and father weren’t supposed to fall in love. They weren’t supposed to find a mate in one another.They weren’t supposed to.After losing his father years ago, Taehyung vows to find and avenge the injustice his family has gone through. You were childhood friends with Taehyung. The four of you Taehyung, Hoseok, your older brother and you were inseparable. You were torn apart from Taehyung, your fox who’ve you’ve always vowed to protect and be with, without a warning. He called you Firefly, you called him Tae-Tae the fox. Was your fate supposed to end there in the past with your childhood? ~ fluff, angst, hybrid au, law au, crime au ~ 6.9k

move like you want ~ where you meet the gaze of an incredibly attractive red head at a music bar and one thing leads to another… ~ smut ~ 7,960

FATE OF THE FAST & FURIOUS ~ you’re a first-generation college student and taehyung is the hot guy with a love for motorbikes who lands the job babysitting for your family while you’re away. basically a mix of domestic!taehyung, biker!taehyung, racer!taehyung all at once, and a whole lotta sex. a weird kind of slow-burn. ~ 17k

slowdance on the inside ~ Taehyung has liked you as long as he can remember. He’s unsure when the line blurred from friendship to romantically, but it’s about to get a lot worse when he’s forced to watch you date his friend, Jungkook… ~ angst, fluff, smut ~ 20,476

Apologies ~ After a fight, Taehyung can’t bring himself to apologise to his girlfriend until he realises that she might have moved on.  If he wants her he needs to go get her. ~ smut, angst ~ 11620 

The Fanmeet ~ Taehyung is jealous over Jungkook flirting with his girlfriend and decides to teach him a lesson in front of their fans. ~ smut ~ 7408

𝕁𝕖𝕠𝕟 𝕁𝕦𝕟𝕘𝕜𝕠𝕠𝕜

✆ ~ The Hyung line cannot deal with the cuteness that is you and Jungkook sleeping  ~ 16 parts

PLANS FOR WEDDING BANDS ~  ❛❛i’ve been meaning to propose to you for ages and i have set up the perfect plan but as we’re driving to the restaurant this tiny little cat on the side of the road that you’re determind to save shows up and now everything is ruined oh god what am i gonna do❜❜ (proposal au) ~ 3.32k ~ fluff

SWEET TOOTH ~ you try not to fall for an insistent college kid with sweater paws. ~ 12.1K ~ smut, humour, baby boy!jungkook, cafe!au 

ice prince ~ when, due to inexplicable and total clumsiness, your reliable, talented ice dancing partner of five years breaks his leg right before the largest competition of your life, desperate times call for desperate measures. and for a brief, brief moment, you think that everything might actually end up not-that-shitty, until you find out that the aforementioned desperate measures go by the name of jeon jungkook.⇒ figure skating!au, enemies to lovers!au  ~ fluff, very minor angst ~ 22k

the millionaire and his lover  ~ over the course of your lifelong friendship with jungkook, you can’t say that you’ve ever had the greatest ideas, and a fake relationship with the boy you’ve been in love with for years is no exception. ⇒ self-gratuitous ceo au, friends-to-lovers, and fake relationship trope rolled into one big shitstorm of a jungkook fic ~ fluff, angst, and light smut ~ 22k

something in the water ~ sleeping is a foreign concept to Kim Taehyung and his awkward, mismatched gang of pals. This is made all the more apparent when they rock up at ___’s doorstep at the ass crack of dawn, as if it’s a natural time for any college student to be awake. But when she is informed that it was the youngest of their group who insisted she join them on their spontaneous camping trip, she is suddenly not as reluctant to play along than when she was first awakened by her enigma of a best friend, slamming his fist against her door. ~ 25,836 words

Lowkey ~ Jungkook is the nude model for your art school’s life drawing class. ~ smut ~ 6.2k

vaunt ~ Every weekend Beta Tau throws a ‘little’ party to help students relax and let loose and frat resident Jungkook has a big mouth that talks a lot of big game. You finally get sick of the lack of relaxation on your end and set out to see if he’s all talk. ~ college/fratboy!jungkook, fratparty!au, smut ~ 9387

vaunt ii ~ True to the nature that birthed your relationship, Jungkook loves to set a challenge, and you love to try and prove him wrong. ~ college!au, frat!au, smut ~ 9.2k

TATTOOARTIST!JUNGKOOK 

BADBOY 

GOLD RUSH ~ freshman Jungkook comes to you with an injured shoulder and a very concerning proposal.  ~ humour, smut, track runner!jungkook ~ 11.2k

unexpected ~ You and Jimin have been best friends forever. All the boys love you and consider you family. But there’s one person who isn’t so fond of you and nobody knows why. What’s his reason? ~ social media au, angst + fluff ~ 13 parts

Bloom ~ Touring with some of the biggest names in the music industry should be a singer’s dream. Too bad two of those names happen to be your annoying new nemesis and the guy you can’t seem to forget… ~ sm au, fluff, crack humor, slight angst, idol!au ~ 30 parts

Marguerite ~ After a random number texts you on yet another night, where you’re just staying home at your dorm, you find yourself talking to an annoying, but very determined frat boy, who likes a challenge more than anything… Even if he doesn’t know who you are. ~ social media au ~ 90 parts

a sip of the grail ~ You take in his expression curiously, trying to understand this new Jungkook that’s somehow both bold and shy, before tilting your chin to the left and exposing the curve of your neck. A quick hook of your finger into the collar of your sweater unveils more of your shoulder to his gaze. “Go ahead, Jungkook,” you murmur, voice just above a whisper. ~ smut, supernatural, vampire ~ 3k

Hopping Mad for You ~  For two years you’ve lived with your rabbit hybrid roommate, Jungkook. He’s been a model roommate and you’ve found yourself with little complaints. But his behaviour lately has been a little…unusual. ~ Fluff, smut, Rabbit Hybrid!Jungkook ~ 9.7k 

MICROWAVE (MIS)ADVENTURES ~ Out of all things to be afraid of, Jungkook, the seat-stealer of your 8am class and annoying housemate whom you despise with every fiber of your being, chooses to have a phobia of microwaves, but he loves buying microwaveable food – because come on, they’re irresistible – and you somehow find yourself getting dragged into his microwaves (mis)adventures. Cue chaos, sarcasm-laced banter and an unplanned romance. ~ Fluff, slight angst, smut, college!AU, roommates/housemates!AU, enemies to lovers!AU ~ 20k

UNDER THE BRIDGE ~  fluff, smut, slight angst, Hybrid!AU ~ 10.6k

BLACKJACK ~  Bangtan is one of the most vicious mafias on the west coast. Only six members are known by name though, with a mysterious seventh member dubbed only as ‘the shadow.’ When you become indebted to the worst of the worst – how, exactly can you find a way out? ~  Mafia!AU ~ 11 parts

THE QUEST TO BEDDING THE LEAD SINGER OF FRONTMAN ~ Frontman is your favorite band in the world and honestly, the only reason you waited this long in line is to stand at the front for a shot with the lead singer. Enter sexy sound boy, who just won’t leave you alone. ~ punk!Jungkook ~ 9,582

SHOW ME WHERE YOUR LOVE LIES ~ Jungkook knows it’s wrong to sneak around with you behind his wife’s back. but with you he feels whole- he feels loved. And maybe you would feel guilty if she didn’t treat Jungkook like absolute shit. ~ 4.1k

pushing buttons ~  When your boyfriend puts off your date plans in favor of a 24-hour livestream with his gaming friends, you decide to take matters into your own hands. ~ gamingboyfriend!au, smut ~ 6.6k

tell me your secrets (I’m all ears) ~ You’re not afraid of Jeon Jeongguk. Even if he’s probably some kind of bear or giant cat shifter, and just a hint of his irritation had your instincts vibrating beneath your skin like a live wire. Your thumb brushed over the plastic dome of mini-Levi’s head, taking comfort in the cartoon scowl and dead eyes, the tiny grey sticks of his 3DM gear. Small could be pretty fucking powerful too. ~ fluff, romance, humor, shifter au ~ 6.5k

To Own A Hybrid ~ the hybrid world was one y/n never really involved herself in; however, after certain events, she is tossed into a world of uncertainty in the company of a particularly rude hybrid. ~ 14 parts

fine art ~ ❝ meet kook. he’s a spoiled rich bitch who gets mad when he doesn’t get what he wants. and it seems, that he wants you. ❞  ~  gambler au, smut ~ 8.6k

In Bloom ~ wolf!au ~ 11,589

The Rabbit on the Moon ~ The moon was your sun. You’ve grown up working under the moonlight as long as you could remember. You served a man, who controlled the monsters that roamed the city at day and night, or rather the devil himself. When the others around you slowly start disappearing, you start wondering if it’ll soon be your turn. A hand reaches out to you, the hand of a gentle rabbit disguised as a wolf, offering a way out. Will you be able to escape the clutches of the devil in time? ~ fluff, angst, smut, police officer au, mafia au, bunny hybrid/police officer!kook, cat hybrid!reader ~ 5 parts

Who You Belong To ~ Jungkook has noticed you flirting with Taehyung for quite awhile and has finally decided you need to be reminded of who you belong to. ~ smut ~ 8647

…AND ACTION P1 ~ jungkook likes to film illegal stunts around the globe for his dedicated audience. because of you, his right-hand navigator, he gets to travel to beautiful places he’s only ever seen in textbooks. but in the wake of a mishap involving poisonous shrubbery, now’s a perfect time for him to confess his undying love for more than just videography. or, “I know you’re my best friend but I’ve wanted to kiss you since the day we met” au ~ 12k

…AND ACTION P2 ~ jungkook might be homesick and not even the beautiful landscape of Florence can get his mind right. maybe now’s your chance to prove that he doesn’t need home when he has you. or, part two of the “I know you’re my best friend but I’ve wanted to kiss you since the day we met” au ~ 11k

stuffed pumpkin ~ hooking up with the guy you’re neutral towards isn’t how you expected your night to go, especially dressed as a pumpkin… ~ smut,fluff ~ 6,406

playing with fire ~ jungkook seems to have a little crush on you, and no matter how much you try to ignore it, you seem to be losing your resolve with each passing day… ~ smut ~ 8,460

GIVENCHY & GOLD P1 ~ you’re the supervisor of the clothing department with a lot of useless lingerie knowledge, jungkook is the jewelry department’s defiant hot boy who flirts in wristwatch brands. basically an upscale retail au, but with lots of implied under-the-counter sex. and when an opportunity presents itself to fuck each other in the boss’s office after hours, you’re both too hot for each other to say no. ~ smut ~ 20k

GIVENCHY & GOLD P2 ~ jeweler!jungkook gets what he’s got coming to him after getting you both busted in the boss’s office. a continuation of the upscale retail au with a slight change in location ~ smut ~ 24k

GIVENCHY & GOLD P3 ~ you always told yourself you’d be out of retail as soon as you made bank. now that you’re days away from officially leaving, this makes for some interesting changes in your relationship with a certain former coworker ~ 15k

Bunny Boy ~ 6 parts

[tedfashionski]

Finking, Finking.

Hi, welcome to my ted talk. (That is the only time I will ever make that joke. This is Fashionski Finks. Expect radically low standards of self-involved rantiness with zero research or accountability from here on out). For a while there I seriously thought that the covid-19 quarantine was going to result in people being increasingly placid and accepting of creeping extensions of the police state. But here I am, getting depressed again, not about the protests, which I love, but more about my relationship to in-group pressure dynamics. One of the problems with being a relentless contrarian is the discomfort of my impulse to rebel against groups even when they’re championing the right thing. I have to find my own way to fight against the system as an outsider. No gods, no masters, no fucking peer pressure.  I’ll never be happy joining a chorus line. I don’t sign fucking petitions (they’re just lists for the NSA). I do donate, but like fuck will I do it performatively. I can’t go to protests cus I get panic attacky in crowds. I empathise pretty strongly with outsiders of all stripes but believe ridiculously excessively in the public good of criticism, and have a nostalgic love of trolling (I like to think I’m gentle with it though). Bring back the troll! We need that fucker, he’s a sign of a healthy internet. I’m writing this blog thing as an extension of my need to vent my extreme negativity. TBH I never expected to get any followers with ted twitter and the bizarre welcomingness of the hf twitter community totally wrongfooted me. I’m not nice. Ted isn’t meant to likable. He’s my dark side. I was meant to be using this alt as a way to terrorise the nice nice (secretly cruel) fashion people. I’m gunna try and up that aspect more. Just bear in mind, my complaints are largely about the system, but if I see you perpetuating fashion’s entrenched anti-intellectualism or its insidery bullshit, I’ll come for you with a little meta-bomb with your name on it. Maintaining my misanthropic tone does take work tho, like, deep down in some twisted part of my psyche, I guess I do actually want to be liked. It’s fucked up.

I suppose it’s only fair to explain this Ted fursona. Like, new concept, who dis? Why all the furry porn? …..because I just think it’s hilarious. Every time I think about the furries I cackle (not at them, mind). I just love the mad corruption of pure Disney aesthetics into hardcore pornography. That’s anti-authoritarian as fuck. I love the sincerity of their culture. The way the crazy fetish aspect means they’ll never be fully blandified by mainstream acceptance. The way it’s so cringe but so delightful. And more seriously, I’m interested in how a culture of mostly gay male nerds developed to the point where they’ll invest 10k in custom fursuits and support eachother’s independent businesses in ways that the fashion community completely fails to do. The fashion world sucks. There’s so many correlations there that I want to investigate: the newness (furries date from around the 70s, fashion culture in its self-aware state dates from the late 19th C – both very young fields); the centralisation/decentralisation; the hierarchy (furries can be pretty catty, I have discovered in my research, and we all know what fashion people are like); the adoption of new identities; the cis-boy gayness aspect (I’m increasingly tired of the extreme nasty hierarchy of certain CSM queens. It’s all very UGH. Just, fuck those particular bitches.) There’s more to the furry love, but I’ll explore it in future posts.

More importantly, why Ted fucking Kaczynski? I’m not like, actually a terrorist. (….yet. tehehe. NO, seriously I like non-maiming violence. Fuck yeah to property damage. Fuck yeah to disabling the system in extreme way. But no to wooden IEDs. Think of my shitty jokes that fail to land as my hand-crafted bombs). I think I like the shitness of Ted. He was just an epic fail of a terrorist. I’m a little white girl living in London. I’m not actually a primitivist, as much as I crave a hut in the woods. I did go to an elite school though. I had some really shitty experiences in the fashion industry in my early 20s, and I watch my friends who are relatively successful in that system and I get so angry on their behalf at their poor treatment. They think I’m too angry. Fuck that. They should be more angry, and the fact that they can’t be angry at their extreme precarity and the fact they’re still insecure and terrified of being ejected by the system after all their investment and skills they’ve built up is BULLSHIT. I’ll be double angry for them, I’m not invested in that system. I don’t need it to pay my rent. I’m free, motherfuckers, and I’m coming for the abusers and exploiters. If you’re a complacent industry figure not fighting hard from within, uggghhhhh fuck you. Yes, YOU. Soooo, I relate pretty hard to the MK ultra stuff. (go look him up, he was basically tortured and experimented upon by the elite). But there’s a pretty big chasm between my views and his, and I’ll try to be clear about the extent of my interest in his extreme beliefs. I haven’t even finished reading the manifesto. Basically, I watched that shitty show on Netflix with sam worthington around the same time I watched Joker (that movie fucked me up) and thought it’d be a good outlet to larp online as a terrorist. There’s the angry white alt-right school shooter aspect, which I’m still figuring out, cus I’m non-binary and I was raised by nutso trumpy right-wingers, who I barely speak to anymore, and I struggle to get along with people generally. There’s sad, self-pitying rage here. I empathise with the angry white dudes too much. I feel guilty about it. That’s good ground for artmaking (yes, shamefully, this…is…art. Sorry). I modelled this fursona a little after my brother, who I spent years living with and arguing with and trying to lift out of his scary racist youtube rabbit holes. This is actually quite an emotional thing for me, cus I did the ‘talk to your fascist family’ thing. And I completely failed. I realised his right-winginess wasn’t lessening, I wasn’t gaining ground, and in fact my excessive empathy and desire to reach out to the relative most similar to me in character meant his extremism was rubbing off on me. Making me more resentful and depressed. Feeling powerless. I was being too kind-hearted and forgiving of his masculine impotence. So I’m exploring some personal shit here. But Ted is also a cute lil fuzzball teddy bear. He means well, but me being super autistic and faily at social skills means he’s kind of a dick, cus I am. I’m going to try and further develop this character, this POV, and this post is the only time I’ll explain the divide between him and his creator (moi). The ‘I’ on the twitter and here is Ted Fashionski, I need that space between me and him. Masks give us this freedom to be more ourselves. Internet culture has lost a lot of its wild brutal anonymity in the last decade or so, now everyone’s afraid of making mistakes. How the hell do you grow if you’re not allowed to fuck up? This is a vital outlet. He’s become an important part of my life and I have to say, I love being Ted Fashionski. He’s like Paddington Bear who just escaped form Guantanamo or something.

I get pretty fatigued as a matter of course. I’m a long-term depressive since childhood. I have a difficult time keeping my hard-on for living. I don’t get suicidal really but I do struggle with extreme fatigue. I sleep a lot. I often fall into spirals of self-hate. And as someone who utterly believes in revolutionary leftist politics, I beat myself up about not doing enough. I’m so middle class and english and white. I was raised in such a chauvinistic and complacent culture; I don’t even know where to start. I’m wading my way through post-colonial literature and beating myself up for finding it boring and uncomfortable. It’s hard to force yourself to acknowledge your culture is The Bad Guys. It’s easier to fall into fanstasies of supremacy and butthurt misunderstoodness. And it’s not like my depressive brain needs any encouragement to hate me. My trajectory is ever leftwards, but I remember the righteous fury of being right-wing. I get it, that was me. We need more paths back from fascism, more comprehension of why people are that kind of shitty. I talk less, and less well, the more depressed I am. If I’m talking, it means im feeling a lot better. Just, fyi.

Give me a minute to be critical here. With the George Floyd protests, a lot of the cool guys on fashion twitter has gone blazingly hardcore on the political side. But there’s this troubling rhetoric about ‘no return to normal content’ or ‘this isn’t the time for fashion’. Like fuck it isn’t. This is a key problem with fashion culture right here, we have this received perception of fashion as empty escapism. Escapism matters in fashion, yes. But seriously, talking about the surfaces of things does not equal not caring about deeper meaning. What the fuck. Clothes are a connective tissue, a membrane between us. They’re emotional and powerful. We can talk about things that matter THROUGH clothes. I speak fashion, pretty fucking well. Most people who work at fashion magazines are morons with no understanding or respect for their subject. They’re incapable of doing it justice, and that’s deliberate. On this tumblr you’ll see rants and reviews of fashion and other artforms, always interpreting through a fashion lens. cus it matters, cus it’s a vital part of the culture, cus just because something has a glittery, seductive surface doesn’t mean it doesn’t communicate or contain depth. There’s no going back to ‘normal fashion content’, yes. Normal fashion content is a fucking psyop to divert legitimate interest in aesthetics amongst largely non-academic dyslexic visual types away from careful thought/feeling and towards empty consumerist commericiality. The traditional fashion media wants you to express yourself and your interest in the zeitgeist through buying more shit. Another fashion world is possible. Let’s destroy the old and build a new one, one where surface and spirit are connected and true and fashion can’t be abused in service of evil industrial monopolists.

/end rant. TLDR: angry fictional teddy bear with tin-foil hat and an eco-anarchist fetish says no to stupid fashion and yes to the renewal of conceptual fashion. Also, Fuck White People.

[mugler88]

Every Single Rupauls Drag Race Queen Ranked from 1 to 100 by David Mason You will notice as thece list goes it runs from HARSH to KIND being that we go from people who are wasting our time and perhaps not living an honest fantasy but trying to be something they FEEL they're SUPPOSED to be and talented artists who capture us as they reveal beautifully honest selves which bloom from their unconscious. The Top 25 are ICONIC GOLD and are identities who hold their own amongst all the queens. They are APEX PREDATORS and each could arguably be made number one depending on each persons values. This is MY list and therefore it reflects my values and needs. 100. Phi Phi O’Hara Shes actually the worst for being a horrible person who cant figure out why shes terrible and thats the worst part. I actually BOOED her in public when I saw her. Is it wrong to not like someone just because they were born??? I think it probably is BUT I dont like Phi-Phi because when they showed her mom her mom was like 26 and I just thought YUCK, unplanned pregnancy is just TACKY and I wouldnt have to deal with you if your mom just had the balls to own her own body and be responsible and kind to the Earth and abort you but apparently the apple doesnt fall far from the (say this in Goldie Hawn from Overboard voice) “short, fat, slut" and you come from a long line of short selfish inconsiderate people. Phi-phi is the best case as to why Planned Parenthood should be next to every McDonalds. 99. Kenya Michaels : Oh god Im disturbed by her. She was like that little doll from Trilogy of terror. I found her strong sexual identity so uncomfortable as it was just too obviously a defense mechanism from being a tiny rapeable person from a third world territory. Thats AWFUL to say but Im sorry its just what I saw. I didnt find it funny or sexy. I found it awful and cringy. Its NOT a reason to not like a person but it is a reason as to why I dont want to see her on my tv bending over and WAGGING HER TWAT at me. I dont want to celebrate her complex attempt at molestation management, Im sorry. Lets hope this is me just projecting. I know this is too much for the SECOND entry but Im just saying what I felt. I wish shed read a book instead of just GOING WITH THE SEX THING. 98. Kandy Ho: What gross name, what a skank not even a good skank like Samantha Fox, just a shitty skank. 97. Phoenix: Who? I really have to speed through this list I have to go to the gym. 96. Madame LaQueer: Id put her at 99 but I feel bad for her. Im a nice person. 95. Alisa Summers: i have no idea who this person is 94. Penny Tration: Oh fuck you for that stupid name. Get the fuck outta here. 93.Vivienne Pinay: Why did she think she was pretty or passable or fishy or WHAT? All I saw was “Hi, Can I get the lunch special? I’ll have tai Iced tea with Rad Prik Chicken and coconut soup. Thank you.” 92. Venus D-Lite: Venus is who I think of when I think of queens that dont matter. I didnt even say that to be mean. She just is. 91. Jaidynn Diore Fierce: ??? oh she was the one I think should be named PEANUT. 90. Naysha Lopez: What plane of consciousness thought this person needed to be seen? 89. Sasha Belle: Awkward entry! Rip off Mugler Chimera dress. HERES A TIP PEOPLE, dont try and copy the most amazing well made dress in the world that cost 300k to make and 900 years of 900 year old Parisian couturiers to make. I PROMISE YOUR VERSION WONT BE AS GOOD. If youre going to copy something also make sure said reference has a TEENSY bit of wiggly room for either styling OR improvement. The Mugler Chimeira dress does NOT. Stop looking at it, you cant have it. 88. Akashia: Maybe the first person to fall on the runway??? I dont know? I dont remember her exactly 87. Rebecca Glasscock: I went shopping with Ru once at Saks and a sales girl came up and said “Rebecca works here now!” Ru went from Cafe au lait to FISHBELLY faster than she could mutter... “Rebecca is here?…....now?” thank god the girl was like “Not today”… Cocoa pallor regenerated, shopping recommenced. Rebecca must have been INSANE. 86. Honey Mahogany: Who and Why and whatever…. 85. Derrick Barry: Nope. 84. Robbie Turner: I wish you were Tina Turner 83.Cynthia Lee Fontaine:The cowboy look was like a THANKSGIVING revelation that GRANPA IS A CROSS DRESSER?!?! 82. Darienne Lake: Dip into the cool water of Darienne Lake was the best thing about her and that was Rus doing so.. BYE and shes from like Rochester or some shit. YUCK mid/western New York is SKANK. 81. Ginger Minj: Just everything I don't appreciate. 80. BeBe Zahara Benet: She won season one and I think the prize was 10k and it shoulda gone to Nina. 79. Bob the Drag Queen: After the extraordinarily beautiful Violet won. The audience of sheep were put off by their inability to relate to her because they just arent as good as her so the next season they wrote the season about having a “peoples princess” win and that why we have SHITTY BOB the person who shouldnt have ever been invited. Whats WORSE and MORE ANNOYING is the LATENT worship of Violet after they realized JUST HOW GOOD SHE WAS ONCE THEY SAW BOB and Im sitting here with my fists clenched screaming YOU IDIOTS THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT?!?!?! Bobs season was the worst. 78. Delta Work: Shes the drag queens drag queen. Shes too bitter for tv though. Same reason as to why Jackie Beat isnt on tv, too sour for tv, but thats ok. There is certainly somethig to have the cache of being the type of queen you have to go out to see. When she botched the comedy challenge I felt for her. I could really relate. She has the comic ability and you could just hear the inner dialogue of self sabotage running in her mind. It sucked. Thats one of my challenges too. 77. Thorgy Thor: Funny smart queen that I like. Tv isnt a format that suits her. 76. Sahara Davenport : A sweet soul. 75. Yara Sofia: Ick… The best example of LEARN TO EDIT. Her styling is THE GOOP SHOW. You know how some people just have BAD VIBES? I just dont want her around me. I dont see her vibes swirling in a direction I wanna head towards. I kinda hate dreads, Id lie and not say it to sound cool but there just unsavory to me. Patchouli.. thats what I smell when I see them in my minds eye.They just make me ask.. Why do you deliberately choose to be kinda not so clean? Its some romantic notion I don't prescribe too. Im not earthy in that way. Im Earthy in a watermelons are fierce kinda way. 74. Kelly Mantle: This person is not Christine Baranski! Why are you telling me youre related to a baseball player like Im supposed to care? 73. Magnolia Crawford: ahahahahahahahahahah... that poor homosexual. He MIGHT be more disliked than phi-phi. THAT NOSE gets points.. it HAD to be a critique on nose contour right?! Does anyone ACTUALLY know her?! I feel like this might be some weird dare that a straight guy did and made it on the show. It was all so WEIRD?! 72. Jade. I really dont remember a damn thing but kinda thought she was a nice person maybe??? errr ummmm I just shrugged my shoulders to myself. 71. Lanaysha Sparks: She was quite lovely and even surprisingly talented on the craft contest but not knowing who Diana Ross is and your a drag queen is SATANISM. Poor bitch is from Puerto Rico, do you now Puerto Rico is twice as poor as the poorest state? That sucks. 70.Laila McQueen: Is this an OSBORNE CHILD?? Had she been on previous seasons she would have faired better. Seemed like a kid Id hire as an intern and could trust. 69. Serena ChaCha Oh my god Serena snook right by me?!?! AHAHAHAHAH Serena! Worst look of ALL TIME. how was SHE an art school student?! I cringed when she said that as Im an art school kiid and was like NO NO NOPE TAKE IT BACK CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! Serena was the victim of QUEEN ON QUEEN GANG BULLYING and what was worse is AMERICA BACKED THE GANG RAPE. It was like that scene in The Dark Crystal when the Skeksi looses the sword challenge and they all tear the clothes of him and banish him! Alyssa WENT IN on her….Coco even got a piece of Serena that day! Serena is lucky to be alive. 68. Jasmine Masters: Im disturbed by my own ability to impersonate Jasmine Masters. Its not THAT GOOD but its better than a 225lb Pollock should be able to do. Her Slinky worm routine makes me GIGGLE. She is ANGRY…...BLACK RAGE which I kinda appreciate in a way. I get it. I have gay rage so why cant she have BLACK RAGE?! 67. Tempest DuJour awww tempest.. We all like Tempest. Kinda funny shes a costume design teacher though no? She gave my husband a shirt and my husband wore it for her all day in Provincetown because my husband is like the sweetest person ever. I mean people were like “TEMPEST DU JOUR?!” they practically SPIT on him and he still wore it and he tagged her in the photo and she didnt even regram lolololol My poor husband, I love him so much. 66. The Princess: I made a comment about the Princess' look being shitty on Instagram once and all her fans went APESHIT. It was the two nastiest messages I ever deleted. 65. Monica Beverly Hillz I shoulda put her farther back. She was not so great. 64. Vivacious: Awwww the old battle axe of drag. I support her endaevor but her looks were so dated. I do however respect her respect for the art so… 63. Lashauwn Beyond: That name is so real. You can say she sucks but you can also say shes the spirit of drag taking you “up" so let her be. 62. Mrs. Kasha Davis: WOAH boy did she sneak by me?! She must have got here EARLY and just WAITED. She sucked so hard you kinda loved her for being honest. Kasha was like your olde gay neighbor whos taste level sucks but you respect her because she went through the AIDS crisis and is still smiling. Not even kidding. 61. BenDeLaCreme: I just did not like her. 60. Pandora Boxx: Oh god Pandora. Did you see that Unicorn video she made… bless this bitch. 59. Shangela Laquifa Wadley: Shangela was just cheap. Shangela is like the same taste level as like Paula Abdul, Mad Tv, Khols, a Sketchers Sneaker… I just never like what she does. I dont need it. Its poor person humor. Just because you say something LOUDLY doesnt make it more funny. ( as I type in CAPS) 58. Roxxxy Andrews: This poor bitch dug a damn hole… You know shes not likeable because she was shadey but she was more talented then anticipated in the creative challeges, and I thought she had nice skin. My husband HATES HER. 57. Kim Chi: One note. Refrigerator being pushed down a runway. I actually dont like her for not having the courage to be out to her parents. Its insulting to the rest of us. Buck up bitch, your mom already knows, shes known since you were 2. The fact you think she doesnt know is INSANE. Your non outness renders any talent moot. 56. Adore Delano: Thanks but Ive been to Hot Topic, NEXT. 55: Acid Betty: I don't remember much about the 00S BUT I STILL REMEMBER THOSE WIGS. 54. Courtney Act: Ok sure, but wheres the interesting part???? Her finale dress that was like rainbow hologram acetate was cool and nobody even mentioned it. 53. Trixie Mattel: I tried so hard to be nice to her in Provincetown and she was a cunt. Why are you a cunt to someone being NICE to you? 52. Coco Montrese : I could say mean shit but I wont. shes worked long and hard and deserves a clap. Shes not even a cunt. shes out of touch but shes from another world. Respect your elders. 51. Dida Ritz: Talk about out of touch. Her weird self loathing “Im a white girl” routine turned me into Jasmine Masters?! Like EWWW NO, learn to love yourself BITCH. We all know she did one of the best lip synchs ever. 50. Stacy Layne Matthews: Wait shes NOT black?!??? She was from BACK SWAMP, that gets TREMENDOUS "SWAMP CRED" She was so fat her hormones were just like "WHATEVER.. theres simply "NOT ENOUGH of us to go around?! WE DONT KNOW WHERE TO GO.. What do you wanna be today??? When was the last time youve seen your genitals because are you SURE youre still a male?? We dont know and could use some DIRECTION?!” and I appreciate that. I like people who are just like IM WHATEVER. Not everyone has to be a male or a female you know. 49. Jade Jolie: Jade is surprisingly the fishiest queen in my opinion. I saw her at the premiere party before her season started and we honestly thought she might be BIOLOGICAL. This holds some cache in an art of trying to be a woman at least SOMEWHAT. She made the unfortunate mistake of becoming Alyssas ENEMY which at the time was ACTUALLY kinda necessary because if you remember when Alyssa first started she was not the Alyssa we know and love and was kinda of a cunt who needed to get CLOCKED. BACK ROLLS has now been mutters a million times by ME ALONE and lets be honest WERE ALL now VERY CONSCIOUS of our back rolls now. I even got COOL SCULPTING and yes it worked. It works if youre like semi normal with a slight love handle or backroll but not if you have a spare tire because then its just like removing a brick from a wall, and no it didnt hurt, but get it done in Florida because procedures are cheaper there. Florida is basically LAWLESS, they also gave me a VITAMIN DRIP as I did it. That is not legal in NYC. Jade had horrible style and made what looked like NAZI MATRIX PORN but dont imagine that in a good sorta Night Porter chic Nazi way. Imagine it as a black vinyl raincoat that that greasy haired kid in high school who wasnt allowed to be a faggot because you already had that role and did it better so he sorta segued into FETISH GOTH would have and now imagine him filming himself masturbating with a NON APPLE iPhone to a Marilyn Mason poster… That was her porn. 48. Sonique: Sonique is responsible for one of the wisest self realizations to ever surface on RPDR to me. After getting the chop she said something along the lines of “Well I guess theres more to life than being better than everyone.” YUP. Stop competing, life isnt a competition. You do you and thats your challenge, forget about everyone elses storyline. 47. Mystique Summers Madison: DANGEROUS PERSON but such good TV. To me it seems Mystique has the kind of tongue that can only tell lies, which is sad because that means she thinks whatever the truth is is so terrible she has to come up with an alternative. Thats unfortunate. That said I dont want her in my home. If she lies to herself and others this means she feels she doesnt have to play by the rules and probably steals. Did I just imagine her a thief? Yes, I did. I imagined her at a party at my house slipping one of my Versace candy dishes in her pocket WITH THE SOUR PATCH KIDS STILL IN IT. 46. Gia Gunn: Gia to me really is the sorta line between the queens you care about and the queens you take the opportunity to go get a drink while they come on stage. I took my two assistants on that Drag Cruise as a present and I cant remember what exactly happened but somebodies sneakers were TEMPORARILY ABDUCTED and Gia was UNNFUCKED and SURLY ABOUT IT. Gia on the show was half gross and half awesome. I feel shed LIKE to be nice but has so much DEFENSIVE ANGER she can't. Its a mistake as shed be much more successful if she got over that. She really feels herself despite having a wonky eye, really short legs, and likening herself to Talapia and aligning herself to TIM GUNN??? Your fashion references are from TV????!… OH GURL… NO!.… I like her though. Shes a talented performer. I feel like Gia is that friend you have thats sorta like a bad dog on leash. You have to be careful with them when around kind people but theyre also helpful because theyre more than eager to be the bad guy if someone is bugging you. We all have that friend and theyre kinda fierce. 45. Mariah. Mariah walked into the room first episode and I thought DAMN shes FIERCE... and then she never looked that good again. If I was just going by tv, which Im 98% going by shed be placed lower BUT I saw her on that drag cruise and her performance was PERFECT. It was CLASSIC DRAG but executed flawlessly and she was nice when we got stuck in the elevator with her. I feel like she thinks she has to be mean or fierce or whatever when shed actually be more well received if she was the person I saw on the cruise who was down to Earth and chill. 44. Milan: Milan is one of the few New York Queens that Ive ACTUALLY SEEN OUT. These other queens im always like NEW YORK? NEW YORK WHERE?!? Im a third generation new Yorker who has lived here 18 years on my own and Ive never seen most of these queens who claim to be from NYC. Milan is nice and a talented performer. I was never into her drag because shes real STAGE oriented and real JULIARD STYLE ( I dunno if she actually went there) and thats just not my interest but she at least TRIED. 43. Dax ExclamationPoint: I feel Dax sorta made a mistake pigeon holing herself as “Queen of the nerds”, as soon as someone claims identity of something on camera queens for some reason HATE IT. I imagine its some kind of projected self loathing as gays are trained to hate themselves. Like how dare YOU assert yourself as something, you CANT do that youre a faggot. I seriously think this is the unconscious voice in 98 percent of gay guys heads and its why so many are self sabotaging or drug addicts and why there is no such thing as a gay gay icon and even kinda why DRAG EXISTS AT ALL. We cant like ourselves because straight society taught us to hate ourselves so we put it all onto a fantastic woman. Dax seems like a nice person who doesnt have that insane person need to “win” and therefore really shouldnt have been on the show as she just got used as sacrifice for hungrier queens. 42. Kennedy Davenport: Wait did I already do Kennedy Davenport because I really didnt like her??? huh I guess I didnt. Well maybe my unconscious mind liked her more than my reptile ego did and she got placed higher than anticipated. How can you hate on a hard working talent who has a retarded sister she has to support?! Jesus christ give the bitch a tip and never do less than a FIVE when tipping queens people A DOLLAR IS THE SAME THING AS A QUARTER! 41. India Ferrah: Oh god I worry saying mean things about India because I dont want to hurt her feelings as worry that she TEETERS ON SANITY but she to me is what drag is WHEN I DONT LIKE DRAG. Her “combat contour” is brutalist to the point of being vulgar. To me her styling concept is PUT EVERYTHING YOU OWN ON NOW BECAUSE MAYBE WE NEED TO RUN OUT THE DOOR AFTERWARD. I mean its the 8 foot braid with a giant bow, and the top hat, and the body stocking, and the thigh high boot, and the breast plate, now a giant necklace to cover the edge of the fake boobs, now put a spider SUCKLING THE TIT of the breastplate, oh wait I have TWO BOOBS and I NEED ANOTHER SPIDER, now add a couple jewels to the eyes of the spider OH WAIT spiders have six eyes so add four more… now what about belts, I only have TWELVE…. 40. Mimi Imfurst: OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! She fucking CAPTURED India ferrah like some kind of MOUNTAIN TROLL?!?!? That was one of the most amazingly insane moments on TV ever! Then when Raven WENT IN on her in All Stars …omg I have that segment saved on my phone and just watch it when I need to feel “myself” again. Mimi on the cruise actually did the best read on the Michelle Visage roast. Shes smart but lets her inner voices get the best of her. We all have inner voices but I feel chubby people are chubby because the voices are louder. Im not even saying it to be a dick but it seems like with people who suffer from body issues LIKE ME the inner voices are so LOUD you can see them reacting to them on their face. Hang around me long enough and you'll totally see this. This is called being a function insane person! 39. Morgan McMichaels: Ahhh the Morgan McMonkey! Did you know shes actually Scottish, like from Scotland? That didnt come off on the show. Ok Morgan to me is interesting because as a person Morgan is just not my kinda person, she even has a SUPERMAN TATTOO and you know how much I hate Superman as to me he is the OPPOSITE OF CREATIVITY and a HERO TO SHEEP but that does NOT discount her talents. Ive seen her perform live and shes VERY good. Do I want to hang with her NO, is she a solid talent YES. I met her once and she tried to tell me she doesnt eat pork because PIGS DONT HAVE KIDNEYS. She said this while chain smoking cigarettes and drinking heavily… hmmmm. I dont even know how to organize the judgements I have. All this said I feel if Morgan was your friend you could trust her and shed definitely not be afraid of taking a hit to defend you. 38. April Carrion: She is the best example of being chopped too soon. Shes very talented and pretty and makes her own looks and I respect her abilities. She had more to offer as Ive seen other looks of hers and they were good. Too much of a shrinking violet to survive a comepetition. Shes quite lovely Im surprised she hasnt got some rich old benefactor. 37. Nicole Paige Brooks Oh my fuckin god Nicole Paige Brooks?!?!? Nicole is so important as she is SO MANY THINGS. Nicole is the ESSENCE OF REGIONAL TALENT. She is THE small town coke head faggot drag queen WE ALL KNOW. My mom would have had her on PROBATION. The spirit that has possessed Nicoles body is an ancient spirit which haunts every rural gay bar! Remember how she had the hots for Raven and also had FRECH TIP TOENAILS?!…That BODY built EXCLUSIVELY by COCAINE. Ugh.. Ive never even seen Nicole but I know her sooo well. Nicole has that IVE BEEN TO PRISON and ALSO HAVE CHILDREN and ALSO HAVE A CLOSETED BLACK BOYFRIEND vibe that is SO PURE. Nicole is the queen who marches in the regional gay pride parade wearing flat sandals and a bikini and ACCEPTS TIPS while she does it! Nicole might also work at BEST BUY when “O.D” (out of drag). and when in drag theres also the worry that she might ACTUALLY O.D. Nicole is important. 36. Carmen Carrera: Ok Carmen is from Jersey where its NOT EASY to be a gay soul. Carmen once tried to tell me its ok that straight guys call you a faggot there because its not an isult its just what you are… EEEESSSSHKKK That is some HARDCORE Stockholm Syndrome. I could say more but its none of my damn business. Im not crazy about Carmen because I think shes made some choices based on where shes from but thats none of my damn business so I’ll shut the fuck up. To me Carmen is an example of an unfortunate situation. Ive had to deal with those hardened Jersey boys as a kid and as a tender gay boy its NOT A NICE THING and it would have been easier for me if I was just a girl too. Yes shes pretty, I wish her happiness. If I was raised where she was maybe I would have killed myself. In a way she sorta did I guess but also rebirthed herself.. maybe I need to give her more credit. Im going to add this. Most of us have to deal with being a "faggot" in a straight world and deal with it however we choose. I for example fetishisize it as for me its a safe place thats at least exciting as its FIERCE to have your hot husband call you a faggot as he bangs your puss hole out. At least that way youre dealing with the anxiety in a safe place and its HOT its also a lot easier than getting a sex change, pretending it never happened, and siding with your abusers in an effort to make the best of a bad situation. Maybe Ive made the wrong choice, see instead of siding with them and changing my sex I went punk and just write horrible things about them on St Patricks day and work out a lot so I can intimidate them on the street. SIDENOTE I have NEVER had someone make an anti gay comment to me when they're by themselves, have you ever noticed that? The comments are only made when youre out numbered... fuckin pussies. 35. Jiggly Caliente: Jiggly is real. 34. Victoria "Porkchop” Parker: Porkchop must be worshipped as she was sacrificed for all our sins. 32. Ivy Winters: Nobody ever put it together that Ivy Winters looks almost identical to Grace Jones AND Jean Kasem. That is POWERFUL MAGIC. Too bad she didnt know it either because if she channeled that spirit she could have won this thing so damn easy. 31. Pearl: 31. Tatiana: The day Tati steps away from low brow nineties references and learns to kick is the day Tati advances much farther. She NEVER uses her legs and her legs are AMAZING?! I wish she woulda had the self confidence to get tougher on Raven when Raven attacked her on her season because it was so clear that Raven was operating out of total jealousy being both have great beauty but for Tati it was effortless and for Raven its four hours of incredibly skilled painting. Tati was too green to have that wisdom. If she had it…ooooohhhhh it woulda been FUHEEEEIRCE! 30. Laganja Estranja: Oh god… I dont have the mental capacity at this point to go into the psyche of Laganja…Laganja is so important. Laganja is the litmus for bad faggotry because shes ACTUALLY TALENTED, shes got an amazing body, but OH GOD shes a nightmare. You can tell her parents felt guilty and coddled and spoiled their baby gay into a place where the only way she now knows how to operate is to be a needy indulged victim. Her comedy routine with the old people was a SURREALIST MASTER PIECE. Get off drugs laganja, they dont make you cool and needing the crutch of a vice does not a personality make. 29: Jinkx Monsoon: Does anyone else remember how bad she was at the beginning of her season??? She got the ONLY edit and they spun her into a storyline where theres was no way she could loose. Ive seen this storyline somewhere and it was called PRETTY IN PINK. They basically realized she both Molly Ringwalds character AND the Ducky character at the same time and spun a storyline for her to win because they hadnt a queen like her yet. She is talented, not my kinda talent but whatevs, to me shes the MACARONI ART of drag. She woulda been my friend first year of art school but then you have to change schools because you find out she has a crush thats a touch much on you and its weird because you thought you were just good friends. 28. Tyra Sanchez: In person I think Tyra might be the most beautiful of all the queens actually. You won't believe this but its true, she's a stunner. Too bad she just wants to be the best Beyonce, and not the best Tyra. Tyra, you be TYRA because Trinity K already does a waaaaaaaaay better Beyonce to be honest and youre actually so good on your own if you just owned YOURSELF youd be extraordinary. Its a shame she doesnt have the insight or desire to be HERSELF. Isnt that INSANE??? Its why nobody likes her, because SHE doesnt like her?! 27. Alexis Mateo: When you read her name do you also read it with a lisp? I do! Alexis is a sweet person whom I really appreciate and is also a victim of the pageant system. Pageant girls suffer from not fully grasping why the pageant system is bad. Ladies, we dont think YOU are bad, we think youre victims of a horrible oppressive system that wishes to put women into a structure of something like a DOG show. THIS IS DEGRADING NOT ONLY TO YOU BUT TO ALL FEMALES. It attempts to organize the female sex into ONE SINGULAR IDEAL based on the values of MEN and thats FUCKED UP. To organize females into ONE SINGULAR IDEAL is HORRIBLE and ROTTEN. It DEVALUES any ability that men might see as something THEY have to deal with and DENIES ABILITIES and STRENGTH to women creating an oppressive structure for females to operate in. Its GROSS, dont buy into it, its not cool! 26. Shannel: I know you dont agree but Shannel is important. Shannel wears VON DUTCH HATS. Shannels best friend is the WHISPERING FACE in the mirror that tells her to believe insane things. Shannel has THE BEST EYES of all contestants. Shannel belongs to a mentally ill race of people known as SHOW FOLK. Shannel thought JUGGLING while walking down the runway would be IMPRESSIVE. Shannel paid FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS for that garment and Shannel paid TOO MUCH. Shannel WAS NOT ELIMINATED... SHE CHOSE TO LEAVE!….. Shannel is important. OK the TOP TWENTY FIVE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. These are the APEX PREDATORS!!! Have you noticed as the list has gone on the comments have gone from VENOMOUS and PUNISHING to RESPECTFUL ACCOLADE and thats because as the list goes the talent increases and Im grateful that these people are inspiring, not wasting my time, and are championing values that need to be championed! When I typed this I just got so excited I moved my ENTIRE BODY on top of my little clear desk chair and Im sitting here typing like a GARGOYLE! Every single one of these queens are a WINNER and I mean that. Im not just saying this shit, each one of these queens is a SOLID ARCHETYPE and depending on your own values you could place most of them in the top five and have a SOLID ARGUMENT. This list however is MY opinion and MY VALUES so this is much more about ME than THEM of course. Honestly every single queen on this entire list is a talent and deserves respect for making the effort!... yes even Phi-phi. To be in the top twenty five however means you can STAND YOUR GROUND AND OWN YOUR OWN CROWN. Remember this is MY list. Youll understand reading this list I value creativity and HEIGHT more than anything. Being fishy doesnt count for much to me and if youre dumb and dishonest it aint gonna work out…. Here are THE MOST IMPORTANT QUEENS OF RUPAULS DRAG RACE!!! 25. Jessica Wild: AHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAH How the FUCK did Jessica Wild make the top list?! FUCK YES MISS JESSICA you MADE IT!! Ahahah this is WONDERFUl. I secretly admit I LOVE Jessica. Ill go so far to say shes almost like a KINDER EN ESPAñOL version of Alyssa! Jessica live is FUN and shes VERY KIND. I met her and she was a doll. Jessica is GOOD VIBES. I can totally hang with Jessy. Is she creative? NOPE. Is she Edgy? NOPE. Is she fierce… actually she kinda is???!. Shes a good person who you can tell HONESTLY LOVES DRAG and has fun doing it and THAT is why she made top 25! Shes a pure soul who enjoys what she does and that its the SPIRIT and HONESTY rarely found on EARTH! 24. Max: Max CLEARLY is really into Kristen Mcnemany. Max served us upper middle class white privilege. She was NOT bound by the oppressive low class moral standards of gender and sexuality! Max allowed herself to be flat chested and have GREY hair and this says IM WEALTHY AND EDUCATED ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE TO PLAY BY A MANS RULES AND BE A BIMBO YOU POOR PEOPLE?! Max was well read and Max is probably the most well travelled person in the semi mid west sorta shitty small to medium sized city in which I imagine she is from NEXT TO HER SISTER that was in THE PEACE CORPS (I imagine). I bet Max went to a college that was previously ONLY FOR GIRLS. Off the show Max really gave some fantastic editorial moments. I appreciated Max, she was refreshing. 23. Naomi Smalls: The Praying Mantis of drag! Naomis skeleton is the best of all the girls and thats why shes here. TALL and THIN is SO IMPORTANT. She actually was a nice person and very creative too. I don't like how people discounted her, she was far more creative than most of these people. 22. Milk: Milk is kinda like Max but not as annoying as a person and more “boy aware". Like I imagine sitting on train with Max might be tedious as her affectations are what got her chopped, and Milk though shes a touch WASPY for my tastes is actually cool and smart and you could share and laugh with her. Milk was MY club name in the 90s so thats interesting as were both tall white people I guess that name just gets handed to you. Milk is sorta the Sandra Bernhardt of RPDR to me but maybe its just the STRONG NOSE. I liked Milks Pinnochio A LOT but if I remember correctly she used the same wig or a pair of shoes a few times and that DOES get a deduction. She was REAL "I have a mom who went to college and shes tall and for my birthday she bought me an AFGHAN (the dog)." . SMART WHITE PEOPLE LIFE… basically everyone I went to college with. 21. Joslyn Fox: Jossy Fox is not trying to be anything she isnt and that is her refreshing appeal. Jossy shops at Tj Maxx and has lunch at Panera because she used to work there and still gets a discount because her fag hag never left despite making a lot of lateral moves that took her nowhere. If I had kids Id hire Jossy to babysit them. Jossy asked to have my husband visit her at her dining table on the drag cruise, BUT NOT ME. 20. Willam: I really should have put Willam at a higher ranking place simply because shes a class act and one of the only queens whos never asked for a discount and buys my clothes. She is the one queen who decided to play by her own rules which sorta bit her in the ass ALMOST, but shes also one of the only queens who has her own career outside of RPDR. I like Willam, shes distant and calculating, but so am I. 19. Ongina: Ongina is important because shes the first one to show that to be successful on the show its not about your elaborately constructed artifice that you might THINK is what makes people like you, but about the REAL YOU you fear to show others that is what makes people like you and this TEENY BEING had the balls to do it. Ongina is all about the live performance as shes a total charmer. She can dance in the palm of your hand and sleeps in a walnut shell at night. Her charm is her human connection that you dont get from most performers and you can't really get from TV. 18. Manila Luzon: Manilla gives the best costumes in drag styling. Her puppet faces are great, but ONE TIME USE, so shes a little for the kiddies and straight people who only see her once and dont follow drag so thats why she isnt higher for me. Remember if youre top 25 youre iconic! Im just organizing MY VALUES here so its not about these queens abilities but more about MY PERSONAL AGENDA and how I would ORGANIZE WORLD VALUES should I be given the chance…. (echoing Skeletor laugh) 17. Latrice Royale: Latrice is the spirit of America. If you dont like Latrice YOU ARE ISIS. Watch her performance at the season finale where Violet wins, its sooo darn good. Id love to put her farther up but I cant because she only wears THE SAME PAIR OF SHOES with every look. Lady… lay out some coins stop “living poor”. The moment you spend the dough to move yourself forward YOU ACTUALLY MOVE FORWARD. Stop living in a world where you cant afford shoes, break out of that mindset where youre worried to spend a little cash because you might not have it. LIVE RICHLY…YOU CAN AFFORD SHOES. That said remember CREDIT IS NOT CASH BITCH, do NOT use a credit card pretend you have the fantasy of the security of wealth, but I KNOW you at least have 49.99 for a plus size pair of PLEASERS! 16. Katya. The first time I saw Katya I thought TOTAL FORMER COKE HEAD... and I was right. Thats not a read its just the vibes. I think shes very smart and funny and her finale “read ya” was the best of al of them BUT she got a TOTAL SWEETHEART EDIT BECAUSE ALASKA WAS SLAUGHTERING EVERYONE so they needed to make it seem at least a LITTLE like a competition (though detox was like on another level) but I REALLY dont like that FORCED self deprecation and FAKE NICE LAUGH she gives people ESPECIALLY Trixie.. Stop GIFTING her that reaction, we all see right through it! It comes off like less of a laugh and more of an APOLOGY for existing and you dont need to do it youre fierce, just stop. Before you get too big a head though I have to be a good person and let you know your finale look on All Stars was the THIRD worst look ever to go down the runway behind Serena and Cynthia. Don't believe me???.. check out the hemline. 15 Jujubee: Out of all the queens I think if I had to spend an extended period of time with them Id choose Juju. Shes smart and funny and hopefully that would give me the opportunity to teach her about STYLING because she needs some help. Damn your looks are CHEAP woman. They sell Vogue at the GROCERY STORE!? Im not even asking for the far superior Italian Vogue, Im just saying SHITTY COMMERCIAL GROCERY STORE FASHION MAGAZINE VOGUE. Pick it up and then look at your clothes and figure out the difference. I actually think Juju might be the funniest queen even over Bianca. Shes certainly one of the smartest, and dont forget her library reading was really good. 14. Trinity K. Bonet: I imagine youre suprised at Trinity ranking so high up. Trinity is something I respect.. QUIET CONFIDENCE. Trinity was too damn well mannered to get as far as she should have in the competition and the reason why is Trinity K is the personality type I really respect who is someone who is QUIET and TALENTED. She lets her talents do the talking and unfortunately for good tv you cant just sit there and wait to slay on the runway, you have to have provide soundbytes and dramtic facial gestures for gifs etc. Trinity respectfully minded her own damn business and let her abilities do the talking and I REALLY like that. I went on that nightmarish drag cruise and hands down the best performance was Trinity it was about a ten minute Beyonce number and it was BETTER than Beyonce. It was FANTASTIC and im not even a Beyonce fan. I also think shes very beautiful and has a total Angela Basset quality to her which Im charmed by. Trinity was well mannered and polite and I kinda wanted to be her friend because someone like that benefits from someone like me who isnt afraid to maybe NOT be so polite should the rare occasion call for it. I guess Bianca kinda saw that too. I kinda think for some weird reason Im sweet on her because Tina Turner was my first concert at 8 years old, which I won the tickets to answering Tina Turner Triva on the radio, and that remeinds me of my mom who I went to the concert with and so therefor I want to protect this “good woman”. 13. Nina Flowers: Speaking of good women the next is Nina Flowers. I have NEVER heard ONE person say ONE bad thing about Nina and the multiple times Ive met her she is KIND AND LOVELY. Nina endured that entire CONFLAMA of SEASON 1 and DIDNT EVEN GET THE PALTRY 10k she deserved?! THEN Nina got CURSED with being paired with RAVING MAD WOMAN TAMMIE BROWN and ROLLED WITH IT without complaint. In fact if you watch All Stars 1 instead of complaining Nina handles her like a loving mother who has a RETARDED CHILD who YELLS A LOT. Speaking of YELLING RETARDED PEOPLE one time my husband and I were in Miami and we bought BAD PILLS (is there any other kind in Miami) and were TWACKED OUT ASSHOLES and ran into her and we COULD NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP and she was SO TOLERANT, AND SO NICE, AND SO UNBOTHERED that we almost wondered if we PASSED FOR SANE. Looking back WE DID NOT, Nina was just really nice. Nina is also a great Dj who really gets that CUNT FACTOR and makes for a great night out. 12 Miss Fame: Drag being an art form that relies so heavily on the magic of transformation being the best make up artist of all the queens certainly gets you TOP THREE placement. Too bad Miss Fame is the SECOND BEST MAKE UP ARTIST of Rupauls drag race. If this was a BIOLOGICAL female make-up challenge Fame would be the best, but DRAG MAKE UP is a VERY different art form. Fame had fantastic looks and a greatly appreciate her. I just wish the brains matched the visuals because theyre SO sharp. She really is the Linda of RPDR. Linda was my SECOND choice of the Supermodels, my first was Nadja so you can see where Im coming from. To me alien proportions and snowgress fantasies trump “classic fashion perfection”. 11. Chi Chi DeVayne : Chi Chi Devayne is THE SPIRIT OF DRAG. Chi chi is POOR AS FUCK and still managed to teach herself how to do BACKFLIPS IN HEELS. THERE IS NO REASON FOR ALL OF US NOT TO BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME BUT WE CANNOT! She is THE DRAG ASSASSIN. I respect her SO much. Imagine if she was given the same opportunities any of us in the North East of the United States were given?! When I was a little kid I wasnt rich either but I feel in North Eastern America you can receive a great education and you dont have to be wealthy at all. A good education is just kind of built into the psyche just like our PURITANICAL JUDGEMENT. I mean as a kid I grew up in a tiny single parent home next to a pond and it certainly wasnt GLAMOROUS but if I felt like it my 8 year old self could wander over to the neighbors house which was basically THE ADDAMS FAMILY MANSION to me which belonged to the professor who established the local community college and Id just sit there in his living room while he and his wife watched JULIA CHILD Id point at the random objects hed collected from around the world and ask “Whats that?!” and hed reply “That is a TURKISH BULLWHIP!” FIERCE?! ..with that information alone not only did I learn of exotic locations I never heard of I knew I TOO wanted to go there AND had the ability too. Something tells me being from Louisianna Chi Chi didnt have the opportunity to learn how to cook LONDON BROIL (I still remember Julia saying “Ooh this roast is SPITTING at me) while sitting in the dark at a baby grand piano while a Grandfather clock gonged in the background like these people did. It would be VERY EASY to be an angry bitter person coming from her situation and instead Chi Chi took it upon herself to excel to the best of her abilities and BOY HAS SHE. I feel Chi Chi was THE BEST when it came to Lipsynch for your life. All she needs is 12 months, a handful of those McDonalds gift certificates you got at Halloween, a stack of VHS tapes of STYLE with ELSA KLENSCH, 6 National Geographic magazines, and everyone dies. Chi Chi is FIERCE. 10 Chad Michaels: Being the number one Cher impersonator in the world gets you top ten placement forever. Its not debatable its DRAG LAW. 9.Tammie Brown: Tammie Brown is an UNCONTROLLABLE FORCE OF NATURE. Tammy is the SWIRLING POWER OF CHAOS. GRAVITY DECIDES TO LEAVE WHEN TAMMIE IS AROUND! Tammies superpower is that she holds no power unto her own but EVERYONE ELSES POWERS ARE RENDERED USELESS WHEN SHE WALKS IN THE ROOM. NO QUEEN has any power over Tammie and for THAT ALONE she gets top ten placement. Have you ever seen those crazy cat videos of cats reacting to people who throw a cucumber on the ground? If you havent, check them out, but in a nut shell cats are for some reason TOTALLY FREAKED OUT by a cucumber sitting on the ground. They go from acting relatively sane to COMPLETELY BIZARRE at the toss of a cucumber... well TAMMY IS THAT CUCUMBER. 8. Bianca Del Rio: Bianca is a hard working professional and a talent and Im glad we have her on “our” side as I cant think of any straight comedian who could beat her in a "read off". She doesnt particularly check any of my boxes as what she is Im not super into but you cant deny her abilities. Shes the sharpest tack. My friend Bradford hired her for a dinner and it was fine and fun and all and as she was walking out the door my NUMB NUT husband brings up “but what about the movie youre making?” this of course lead her to go on about how shes raising money etc so then BRADFORD THE ASSHOLE makes everyone say how much theyre going to donate to her film putting me on the spot to donate 500 dollars to the fucking crappy movie?! It was well shot but UGH LADY wheres the funny? I paid FIVE HUNDRED GOD DAMN DOLLARS FOR THAT MOVIE?!?! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS….. FUCK.... thats TWO tickets to see CHER?!?!?!? 7.Sharon Needles: When Sharon first came out I BOUGHT IT, literally, I bought the t shirt which was secrelty packed as a GLITTER BOMB.. FUCKING CUNT…She really gave us hope and spoke to so many and was a creative and funny star. Shes a great talent who has done some amazing looks. Unfortunately shes become super sour and nasty and nobody wants to work with her and former fans are made uncomfortable to be around her. Sharon Needles is THE BEST DRAG QUEEN nobody wants to be around. 6. Violet Chachki: Im pretty sure Violet was trained by a SITH LORD or something. Shes CURIOUSLY YOUNG to be so professional and SO on point and just soooo good. God I hated the idiot RPDR fan base who talked shit about her simply because they couldnt relate to her because she was confident in her abilities. A wolf does NOT consult the sheep as to what to have for dinner!?! Im sorry but thats NOT something to make apologies for and its CERTAINLY not something you need to change. Nobody should have to dumb themselves down for the masses and Violet has not. She consistently DOMINATES THEM with her BITCH GODDESS self and Im SOOOO THANKFUL FOR THAT. This icy goddess holds the title for the number one AND number two AND number three best gowns on RPDR history. Dont go against Violet you WILL loose. 5. Alaska: Alaska broke all the rules by being HER OWN CREATURE. You cant pin down Alaska as one specific thing. Shes is an entity unto her own and that is so important to recognize. Shes also maybe the smartest queen of all of them. Her drag is a critique of drag itself which makes her a more evolved creature compared to “lesser” queens. Like all these top five shes really carved out PERSONALITY in her drag persona. Shes maybe made me laugh more than any other queen.The only “negative” I can think of is I dont like her interest in nails, seems like something India Ferra would be into. Its sorta weird that she named herself Alaska when the biggest gay icon in Spain and many other Spanish speaking nations is Alaska but shes from Pittsburg, not Madrid. 4. Alyssa Edwards: Oh fuck is Alyssa Edwards important! The DON KNOTSS of Drag Alyssa is sorta just like Texas from which she hails… BIG AND WEIRD THINKING AND despite being the essence of AMERICA its also ITS OWN ENTITY and by its own design is flawless and also VERY FLAWED! Remember when ALyssa first started and she was mean and people did not like her?! This is important to recognize because Alyssa HOOKED US with a very special chemistry of herself as a real person and this SWIRLY KOOKOO TOWN that her psyche exists in where shes the MAYOR, THE RICHEST LADY, THE NOSEY NEIGHBOR, AND THE BEAUTY QUEEN! Shes all those things and we get to see them all exist in every gesture. The gif of her negotiating a sip on an extra long straw was just as responsible for us falling in love with her as was her UNSELFAWARNESS (is that a word?) upon the HARD REVEAL of her BACKROLLS. Those lips and eyes are insanely MAGNETIC but all of it would be only half as magnetic if we didnt know what a LOOSEY GOOSEY she is?! You KNOW that Alyssa PERFORMS FOR NOBODY when shes by herself…. OFTEN. Alyssa I think is the only queen Ive ever hired and she got out of a cab by herself in FULL DRAG wearing like a TEDDY and a SHEER DRESSING GOWN and walked down the street in broad daylight asking my assistant if the MEXICAN RESTAURANT ON THE CORNER was where she was PERFORMING?!?! Alyssas personal styling is: “Dress, not particularly expensive shoe, AND PIECE OF THING ON HER HEAD- but NOT a complete thing on her head just a PART of something on her head! Its the VAGUE ALLUSION that this is part of MAYBE SOMETHING GREATER, or maybe shes been to SPAIN, or maybe she shoplifts at CLAIRES BOUTIQUE?! Alyssa is an America treasure! 3. Raven: Raven is JEALOUS BEAUTY. RAVEN IS EVERY FIERCE VILLAINESS THAT EVER EXISTED. Raven VERY EASILY could be my number one BUT IM LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF and Im not going to SIT HERE and WAIT to be loved by someone I adore as they DENY MY EXISTENCE simply because THEY THEMSELVES are incapable of being loved. I already DID THAT SHOW its called ME AND MY DAD and thanks but over a lifetime as a child I sat there on the couch waiting for him to show up, which he often DID NOT, as I hoped that MAGICALLY ONE DAY this person you adore is suddenly going to take interest in you. GUESS WHAT… IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN!!! I might love Raven but RAVEN CANT LOVE BACK and instead of being MAD (like I was for a lifetime with my own dad) Im going to recognize that I dont hate this person at all, in fact this VILLAIN is a HERO to me and though I wish theyd be capable of liking me back theyre NOT and THATS OK. Im not the bad guy for that, and neither is Raven, and neither is my dad. Its something they cant do and MAYBE someday they will and if so THATS GREAT but until then Im gonna love myself and put interest in people who reciprocate my feelings.This all may sound like I had some kind of ACTUAL relationsship with Raven WHICH I HAVE NOT but Ravens entire DRAG CONCEPT HER VERY DRAG BEING is that story line to me. The even more twisted part is we love Raven BECAUSE shes cruel?!?! I think shes TREMENDOUS! Raven is THE EVIL QUEEN from Snow White, shes Alexis from Dynasty, shes Katra from She-ra. Raven IS jealous beauty. Raven is a cruel and powerful goddess and I LIVE for her. We have tried SO MANY times to hire her and it falls on dead ears. Shes cannot be bothered. She needs to GET BOTHERED because the reason why shes not an All Star is because she cant be. I mean I think its really because shes had a couple DUIs and theres no way a liquor company was gonna give 100k to a person who has 2 DUIS but you know what I mean.... Raven is also THE BEST DRAG MAKEUP ARTIST. All these future queens stand on Ravens trompe l’oeil bone structure. Ravens one word comments on fashion photo Ruview make me HOWL. Ravens astute observations are as sharp as her nose contour. Raven has the teeniest room for evolution spiritually I think JUST A TEENY BIT, like DONT CHANGE, but MAYBE get a LITTLE kind and Raven will be my number one and OH GOD I want her to be number one SO BAD. 2. Raja. Ok, now Im back to sitting on my tiny clear desk chair like a Gargoyle because its THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUEENS?!!?!? VERY SIMPLY without Raja Rupauls Drag Race would be MEXICAN TELEVISION! The show would be an FAR less elevated and be a GOOPEY SUNDAE of WIGS AND BOOBS AND WELL WORN DRESSES THAT SMELL LIKE B.O and ANGEL! Raja brings in references that lift the entire competition UP. Alyssa is Cosmopolitan but Raja is ITALIAN VOGUE AND NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. Shes still the best runway walker of all the queens which is like MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING. In her single season she gave us gold robot, amazon tribes person, Marie Antoinette, and when she walked in first episode it was the most obvious time someone was CLEARLY the winner from MINUTE ONE. Raja is the PUBLIC TELEVISION OF DRAG RACE! A FUNDAMENTAL NECESSITY to the CLASS LEVEL of Rupauls Drag Race and without her the floor would drop out. LETS IMAGINE AN AFRICAN WATERING HOLE with baboons squeeling, zebras making their weirdo sounds that you would never expect to come from a horse, hippos eating, hyenas laughing and all of a sudden the GIRAFFE enters the scene and everyone SHUTS UP AND STARES… Well RAJA IS THAT GIRAFFE... and yes Shangela and Yarra Sofia are the babbons. We need LESS BABOONS and MORE GIRAFFES. If I HAD to make a negative critque Id say Id just like to see LESS POT and WINE references on her facebook page because when I read that I think she might be mildly depressed and I dont want that from this creative talent whom I adore! 1. Detox. DETOX IS CHARISMA. Detox IS the MUGLER woman. Thierry Mugler is what saved me in college. Mugler is clearly what has saved Detox as well. The first time I saw Thierry Muglers work was at a newsstand in VALENCIA CALIFORNIA at CalArts and his robot suit was on the cover of STERN magazine and I grabbed it, and some suburban TWAT MOM shot me side eye because the robot suit shows nipple and of course she disapproved that because she was JUDGEY UNTRAVELED TRASH. I looked inside at his work and I thought I WANT TO BE WHERE THESE PEOPLE EXIST?!?!? I actually brought the magazine to my mentor and said "I NEED TO BE HERE." Well Detox takes me to that place! I can relate to Detox. Were really similar in many ways, both of us have tried to manefest that Mugler construct as best as possible and through ANY means necessary. If Raven is the Evil Queen from Disneys Snow White, Detox is Maleficent! Both are SO MAJOR how do you pick?! Well I will tell you how! Remember how in my Raven rant I was saying I was going to learn to love myself well putting Detox first is learning to love myself! Why?! Because Detox is the EVIL QUEEN who MAKES GOOD. When Alvaro offered to pay both Detox and Raven to send me a little happy 40th birthday message Raven didnt respond, and DETOX DID and REFUSED TO TAKE MONEY. You know when Skeletor feels the spirit of Christmas in the Heman Christmas special?? Well SKELETOR DETOX. Shes the VILLAIN we all love with A HEART thats open to be loved. Detox is the DAD WHO SHOWS UP. Detox takes great measures to embody the values that mean so much to me. Its actually HARD to be this GOOD. She is SOFT AS NAILS but you still wanna FUCK HER?! She had TREMENDOUS sex appeal without being soft, amazing style without being trend driven, and shes a bitch goddess without being bitter. Detox is number one, Detox is the good mommy.

#http://68.media.tumblr.com/31be4088acc09a767fc6b9ede93c39d7/tumblr_o3yo53Utm01tezl7yo2_500.gif

[dixonministry]

If I Ruled The World

The world would be quite a bit different if I were its supreme dictator. Oh yes, I am in favor of a dictatorship, as long as that dictator is me! And here's how it would go. 

A few disclaimers before we begin: 1) Keep your expectations low when you read this. You won’t like everything I list but you won’t hate it all either. This is due to me being neither a liberal or a conservative solely but rather bits and pieces of each. 2) I am making this rant for my own entertainment and the entertainment of the few people who enjoy it when I rant. I am not making this in hopes of starting a debate on what is right or wrong, stupid or smart. If I sound like an idiot to you, cool. Let me sound like an idiot in peace! With that said, keep your lame ass argumentative comments out of my inbox. Thanks. Ok on with the rant!

First of all, I'd have to setup a single worldwide government. The current rulers of all current nations would become representatives of their respective countries on my World Senate. Of course, being a dictator I don't really need a Senate, but it's nice to have. As long as they know that anything they decide can get shit-canned by me, then it's all good. Not Bush though. And definitely not T.rump. I would pass a law that no-one in the Bush/T.rump family is ever allowed to enter politics ever again. I'd make 0bama the President again so he could be the American Senator, cuz I liked him.  It goes without saying that I'd first pass all sorts of Youth Rights laws. Every age-based law would be abolished and replaced by laws that actually make sense. For example, the driving age would get axed and be replaced by a more rigorous driving test. In fact, we have way too many stupid drivers out there as it is, so the WHOLE driving test would have to be retaken by everyone. I would bring back beheading as the favorite execution style. Lethal Injections are for pussies. What the fuck is scary about getting a shot that puts you to sleep? Fuck no, if you did something bad enough that you deserve to die, you're gonna lose your head, bitch! Murderers get the death penalty, period. No life imprisonments for assholes who kill people. You kill someone, you die, that's all. (Note: DP would however only occur with a substantial amount of concrete evidence) Rapists get the death penalty. If she said no, then it's NO, motherfucker.  If you beat your kids, you get put in chains in the middle of Times Square and people can pay $1 for one punch or kick. The beatings stop when someone draws blood (cuz we don't wanna kill your ass). On the 3rd offense, an angry mob gets to beat your ass into a coma. If you come out of it, your kids can decide whether you should live or die. If you molest a kid, whatever part of your body touched them gets painted with acid. Then you go to the chopping block! If you steal from someone, you lose your rights and freedom for 1 year and become your victim's endentured servant. On the 3rd offense, you will work until you have paid for 10 times the value of the item stolen or for 5 years, whichever comes first. Marijuana is legal in Salt’s World. It will be tightly regulated and heavily taxed, because if you're gonna be a pothead, you're gonna fucking pay for it. Growing your own shit or selling it without a license will be considered stealing from the government and you get the punishment for theft (see above). Drunk drivers get no chances. First offense of drunk driving means you lose your license for life, in theory. I say "in theory" because it will work sort of like a life sentence in prison works. You can be brought up for "parole" and a committee will assess whether you deserve to get your license back. Such assessments will occur once every 10 years. If you beat your wife, I annul your marriage and place a restraining order against you. I don't care if she gives me that brainwashed crying bullshit "but he loves me, he didn't mean it, really he doesn't abuse me." You hit her, you lose her, and that's final. I will have my government scientists figure out an alternative to abortion that everyone can live with. Preferably, I'd like to see us be able to remove an embryo and continue to grow it in a lab. People who're trying to adopt always want babies and they always have to wait years for one. Not anymore. Furthermore, it seems that adoption is frowned upon due to it being so difficult to get approved and those who do get approved have a predisposition for choosing pretty, white INFANTS. Under my control, a new process will be drawn up to make it not only easier to adopt regardless of sexuality, marital status, etc but make it so that people don’t get to “select” which child they want. First come, first given, end of story. If you really want a child, you wouldn’t be that gdamn picky anyway. If you don’t want your child, that’s fine and well. We will literally take it out of your stomach (same concept as aborting) and grow it for you. Real abortions will only be allowed if a health risk to either mother or child comes up. This is how I would attempt to find middle ground, a compromise if you will. My government will fund cloning research. I want to be able to clone stem cells and body parts. If this can be done, maybe sick and dying patients won't have to wait year after year for suitable donors. In a world where everyone is part of the same government, there's not much need for massive armies. A global police force will be instituted as the next step above Federal officers. So, it would go, local cops, state cops, federal cops, global cops. Without an army to feed, clothe, etc. a shitload of money would be freed up to make people's lives better. There won't be anymore fucking hunger in my world. Every single farm worldwide will be required by law to give 5% of their yearly output to the government for distribution to the poor. They will, of course, receive a humongous tax break for doing this and any farm that voluntarily gives in excess of 15% will pay no taxes at all. Yes, I know this will make the cost of food rise globally. Too bad. You pay a dollar more for your T-bone and you can just cry about it, but at least some little Ethiopian can have some fucking potatoes that night. And in retrospect, under my administration, the percentage of poor people in the world should lower dramatically if not disappear altogether if you play your cards right. But until this global shitshow is corrected, that’s what would have to happen. Medicine will no longer be big business. All wealthy citizens under my rule will see a tax increase, which will pay for everyone's healthcare. No more private insurance companies, it's going government-issue, baby! And, by the way, under my rule the words "government issue" won't be a synonym for "piss poor." No one should be groaning about this because the minimum wage will also see an increase to an actual living wage proportional to the cost of living that will make workers and their families happy and also boost consumer sales, thus increasing the profits of businesses everywhere. The lack of insurance plans employers now have to provide for their employees will free up some of that extra cash. We're dismantling nuclear weapons and using their radioactive components as fuel. What the fuck do we need nukes for when all the world is united under one government? I will pass a law stating once and for all that all sentient life on this planet is entitled to equal treatment and protection under the law and that no law may be passed which contradicts this. Gay marriage: Legal. If you file a stupid lawsuit, we throw you in jail for 3 months. This includes suing the tobacco industry when you're the one who lit up 50 times a day for 30 years, moron. You also can't sue because you're fat. Watch what you eat and exercise if it bothers you so much! I will force Microsoft, Apple, and all those Google people to work together and create "The Uber OS." It'll run Windows programs and Mac programs (all versions) and Google programs (all flavors). All the drivers will work interchangeably. They will all be told that if the OS ever crashes, they each lose a family member! Mwahahahahaha. (kidding obvs). Every citizen will be allowed to carry a sidearm, as long as the sidearm is worn in plain view (like the old west). Every citizen carrying a gun had better remember the price they'll pay for murder. Unless it's self defense or defense of another's life, don't pull that gun! Significant resources will be diverted to build subway systems. City-wide, State-wide, Nation-wide, and World-wide systems will be built. Any system that is Interstate or beyond must be supersonic. The World-wide system must reach speeds of Mach 2 or greater (don't try standing up on the train, bitch!). The purpose of this subway network will not only be to facilitate free travel across the globe, but also to provide countless millions of new jobs that should adequately handle our planet's homelessness and unemployment problems. I should've mentioned taxes earlier, but here it is. The worldwide tax brackets will be as follows: everyone making 10k or less will owe 12% (you can omit the extra 2% with a financial hardship exemption form but it should be noted that no full-time adult worker should be making that much under my leadership so this should be doable without a person’s quality of life taking a hit), everyone making between 10,001-99,999 will owe 15%, everyone making $100k-$200k will owe 30%. Everyone over 200k will owe 50%. Surely you don't think the money for all these great improvements is just gonna fall from the sky? Recycling will become mandatory. We throw away far too much shit. Why chop down a rainforest when there's enough paper in a city dump to fill a library 10 times over?! We will also have to become far less dependent on fossil fuels. I'll work out a timetable for eventually outlawing fossil fuels in favor of electric, solar, and nuclear power. Go back to that city dump and imagine how many atoms are sitting their going to waste when we could be smashing them and reaping the benefits. Prison overcrowding? No problem! Legalizing weed and making drugs a medical issue instead of a criminal one should take care of this problem for the most part and as for the rest, well, Antarctica is just sitting there not doing a damn thing, it's time we put it to use. Remember the penal colony "Rura Penthe" from Star Trek VI? Yup, it'll be something like that. No guard towers, no fence, nothing. If you wanna escape, go ahead. You'll just freeze to death, idiot. Otherwise, you'll stay right there in prison and serve out your sentence. Imagine how many new jobs a prison that size will create? And the cost of feeding them will be negligible. They'll have giant heated greenhouses for growing everything they eat. They don't work to grow it, they don't eat. In other words, a prison sentence means you serve your time as a farmer in the middle of frozen fucking nowhere. Jon Stewart will be appointed as my press secretary. At least all my press releases will have the whole world laughing their asses off. Minimum Wage will be increased to $12.50/hr. I think Ronald McDonald can afford to buy used overhauls for a while so that his employees don't have to shop at the Salvation Army. Corruption in government would be gone. No one is allowed to spend more than $500 on their election campaigns. They can put up a fucking website and do grassroots shit. That way there's no big corporate donations and shit to deal with. Plus, politicians are gonna become like preachers: We give them a place to live and a minimal salary, that's it. No big bucks, no fancy cars, nothing. It's not gonna be about the money. All the money we cut from politicians can go to teachers, cops, firemen, etc. Y'know, the government employees who actually fucking DO something worthwhile and give back to society. Pro Athletes get capped at $90,000/yr. None of this being a rich bastard because you play a fucking game. Maybe then, only people who LOVE the sport and DON'T corrupt it will find their way in. Just like with the politicians, when it's not about the money only people who actually give a fuck will want the job. Ninety grand a year is still a damn good salary. It's not like they'll be poor. The RIAA and MPAA will be told once and for all to shut the fuck up about Peer-to-Peer. They should've jumped on the bandwagon when it got rolling, now they can just suck it up. By the way, musicians and actors are capped at $60,000/yr. They can still have the royalties on their music, movies, concerts, commercial deals, etc. Wouldn't be fair to take that away from them. However, the industry will still be encouraged to develop better copyright protection methods so that all the true geeks can still enjoy the immense thrill of breaking a copyright protection scheme only days after it's implemented. They've gotta have something to do on a dateless Saturday night. Wouldn't want to rob them of that. We'll be having a government-sponsored betting pool on how long it takes the industry to figure out that copyright protection is fucking useless (they spend years developing some new state-of-the-art system and once it's released, a 13yo breaks it in 2 days... get a clue). SPAM will be made illegal! The punishment for spamming is 5 years in the Antarctic Prison Colony! I think that just about covers the basics. Of course, I could probably go on all fucking night with this shit, but if I kept going I'd never get this rant posted. Just know that there's like a billion more cool things I'd do. I might just have to make a sequel to this rant. Until then....... Salt for president 2020.  

#text #weekly rant #salt rants #I mean it #stay out of my inbox

[georgebenjiart]

NANOWRIMO

Okay, so I only got 2,599 words. lol. This is a story that I’ve been working on and crafting for 3 years now, with the help of my older sibling who isn’t on tumblr. At one point I had 10k long novella written out for it. There’s also a 2nd 10k long novella from another character’s perspective as well. This is most likely going to be the first chapter, and I’m sorry that it’s really rough. This story doesn’t have a name, but at one point it was known as How I Lived, so I’ll be referring to it as HIL until I decide on something better.

HIL-

(if you’d prefer the google doc link to read it, dm me)

Words- 2599

Summary- A world where your chest glows a color when you’re near your soulmate, Heath, a boy who doesn’t believe in soulmates, or love, gets the biggest surprise. (note: only about half of this is in the story so far lmao)

Story:

My brother always tells me that waiting is even better than the reward, but to that I say bullshit. That’s all we do, right? We just sit back and wait. We wait until it’s time to talk to our friends, we wait until it’s time to go to sleep, to wake up, to go to work, to go home. Loops and endless waiting. My brother will die on a hill claiming that the wait is the best part. Personally, I think he’s just looking for an explanation as to why he hasn’t found his soulmate yet.

--

Like clockwork, Mel knocks on my door at six-forty-five that morning and I’m out the door, a quick goodbye to Onus and my backpack swinging onto my shoulder.

“Alright, spill. Jungle Blitz 4 demo, promising or no?” Last night we were up on a voice call waiting for leaks of the newest demo of the next game in our favorite video game series. Mel had to go to bed before the demo dropped.

“Depends. Do you like good games or not?”

“Oh God. That bad?”

“Think Kingsley has a kid.”

“So… good then?”

“Continue thinking, Lane is canon.”

“Holy shitting fuck. No.”

“Yes.”

Mel squeals a little bit and I know she’s going to be smiling about this for the rest of the day. “I can't believe the audacity of them to release the demo on the first day of school.”

“Oh, come one, it was world wide, they didn’t do it just to spite you.”

“You don’t know that, Heath.” Mel wiggles her finger at me and I can’t tell if she’s completely serious or not.

We continue our conversation as we make our way to school and as we pass through the student parking lot, a group of jock-ish seniors slow their conversation to glare at me. Mel just kind of glances my way and we don’t say anything about it.

“Alright, your first period is Mr. Long in room 105? Algebra 1?” I flip my hair out of my eyes and Mel laughs just a little bit.

“Get a haircut, and yeah. Well, yeah and no. Mr. Long in room 105, yeah. But it’s for Algebra 2.”

“How in the- That’s… I’m only in geometry you smart bitch.”

“Yeah! Remember, I was ahead of you in middle school too.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I walk her to her class and hug her goodbye. “Good luck, sorry you’re like ten minutes early.”

“Eh, it’s the first day, who cares?” Mel shrugs and her jackets make a sound.

As soon as Mel enters her class, the first bell rings and I head to the stairs. On my way up, I spot a very confused and short freshman gripping their class schedule.

“You need help finding your first period?” I’m afraid my voice scared the poor kid.

“My.. My brother said that he would… he would walk me to my first period.”

“Where is he?”

“I don’t… know.”

“I can help you in the meantime, can I walk you to you class?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Okay, coo. What’s your class?”

“Room 105.”

“Hey, I just walked my friend Mel there. She’s super nice, and a freshman like you.” I turn around and motion for them to follow me. “So what’s your name?” After a beat, “And pronouns.” They look very feminine, short bleached pigtails, blue tips, very big, bright blue eyes, a small button nose, and a thin pink jacket.

“Naomi.. And uh.. She/her.”

“Okay, cool. I’m Heath and I use he/him.” I smile at her, but she still looks like she’s ready to explode any second. “So what are you into? Do you play video games or anything?”

“Um… Kind of, not really.” We get to her class and I point at Mel, who is sitting at a table by herself.

“Go make sure Mel makes at least one friend, please.”

“Sure.. thing…” Naomi then rushes into the class, her tiny backpack bouncing with her.

When I finally get to my class, I choose a seat towards the back of the class, having not recognized any friendly faces in the crowd. My first four classes go by slowly, my teachers discuss silibi and give us “peer bonding” assignments to get to know the classmates we’ve known since freshman year. Lacking as that sounds, it’s still stressful and by the time I get to lunch, I’ve forgotten that Mel and I have the same lunch.

“Heath, I’ve been texting you. What the heck?” Mel sits down next to me, startling me from the astral plane my soul had traveled to.

“Oh, sorry, I was spacing out.” I check my phone, sure enough there’s five unread messages about lunch.

Then Naomi sits down next to Mel and gives me a little wave.

“Hey, you have lunch with us!” That gets a simple smile from Naomi. I pull a piece of bread from my backpack and begin to chow down.

“You cannot be serious.” Mel glares at me, her glasses slipping down her nose.

“What?” I ask, my mouth full.

“That’s your lunch?” Mel has pulled out a sandwich and soda can, while Naomi has a bag of chips and a salad.

“Yeah. I slept in this morning and Onus forgot to make me lunch.”

“Oh for christ’s sake, here,” Mel pulls out a second sandwich from her bag and hands it to me.

“Ohoho, thank you!” I kiss Mel’s hand begin to chow down a second time.

Just then, a loud bang sounds and we look over from our cafeteria table near the double doors, to see none other than Ronnie fucking Yule, their face pressed against the glass. “Let me in bro,” they mouth.

“Who’s that?” Mel asks.

“Ronnie, they’re in our discord server. You’ve talked to them before.” I open the door for then and they join us at our four-person table.

“My little brotato chips, what is cracking?” I can just feel the cringe radiating off of Naomi and I’d be lying if I said the only reason why I wasn’t cringing as well was because I love Ronnie with my entire fucking heart.

“Not much, just my bones.” And then I crack my neck.

“Oh, yucky. Hey, who’re you, you little carraromo?” Ronnie is talking more so at Naomi, rather than with her. That’s just a thing that they tend to do tho.

“I’m N-Naomi.”

“Sweet! Hey, so say you’re not just Naomi, but also a sister. Would you be having a brother who is on the football team?”

“Uh… Yes…?”

At this point in the conversation I’ve spaced out again and only really care about my sweet sandwich. I wait for lunch to end. Then I wait for the day to be over and I walk home with Mel.

I ask her if she plans on joining any clubs, she says no. I ask her what she thought of Naomi, she tells me Naomi is pretty cool so far. I ask her how her day went, apparently okay. I ask her if she wants to hang out at my house to play Jungle Blitz, she says yes.

My house isn’t much to look at, to be fair I’m surprised we still have it. It’s a mobile home, and a very homely one at that. It’s painted a perfect suburban beige on the outside, and a sickly sweet yellow on the inside. Our kitchen and livingroom are mostly connected, but there’s still a breakfast bar separating the two. We have fairly lights up in the living room year round because one reason or another when Onus and I were younger. The house always smells like either musty old books or whatever was most recently cooked, usually pancakes or spaghetti.

I sprawl out on the couch, Mel takes her place on the floor, leaning back on the couch, and she starts playing the third Jungle Blitz game. “I need one of the achievements still.” I fall in and out of sleep, watching Mel play. We hold a running commentary on events of the game, events which I am so well in tune with that I’m able to talk about them in my sleep apparently.

Mel leaves after a few hours, and I’m free to sort out the stack of silibi and other assorted papers I need my mom to sign. I leave them on the couch and I head to bed.

The next day of school is the first day of one of the three clubs I’m a part of (I know, social butterfly Heath), which is the first thing Onus informs me of when he hands me the stack of papers my mom signed sometime during the night. The next thing he tells me is that he’s made pancakes. I’m out of bed, ready for school and pounding my fists on the table within the next four minutes.

“Calm down, bro. I have a headache.” Onus serves me the pancakes and it takes everything in my not to eat the plate with the pancakes. “Didn’t put butter on-” I take a bite out of the stick of butter on the breakfast bar. “No. No, jesus christ, not this early in the morning you fucking gremlin.”

“Awugh c’mon O-nie,” I spit some crumbs his way and he rubs his temples.

“How old are you? Six or sixteen?”

“As if a six year old could be as funny as me.”

“Fucking Hell.”

“I have club today?”

“Chew your goddamn food. Yes, you have GSA today. Tomorrow you have DnD.” Onus reaches into his backpack haphazardly lain on the kitchen counter to pull out a textbook and a bunch of papers.

“What- that?” I swallow my food between words.

“Just some biomed bullshit. Doesn’t really matter.”

“Ah.” Just as he spreads his papers out to start working on them, there’s a knock at the door, and I’m stuffing my papers in my messenger bag and sprinting out the door, tugging shoes on as I run.

“Guess who got breakfast this morning!” I brag.

“You, for once?” Mel yawns and clearly would rather be in bed.

“Haha! Onus is the bestest brother in whole entire wide world ever!”

Mel yawns in agreement.

Similarly to yesterday, when we pass through the parking lot, the group of seniors hanging around some small sports-ish car all stare at us, mostly me, and glare. One of them laughs a little bit. When I glance over, usually I ignore them, I realize that I do, in fact, recognise most of them. The one laughing is Calvin James.

Calvin James sure is a character, or something like that. I’ve never spoken to him, but I’m certain he’s spoken about me. Not that his friends are horrible and the worst people in the whole world, but they sure don’t like any of the trans kids who go to school here. Including me. And probably Mel is they ever get close enough to her to know that.

“I need a haircut still,” I whine as we enter the school. Calvin James is the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. “This sucks!” I flip my hair out of my eyes and my glasses almost fly off my face.

“Get one then.”

“I need Onus to take me, but he’s busy with, like, adult stuff or some shit.” When we get to Mel’s class I walk in and sit with her at her table.

“Do you think my parents could take you?”

“Um… Maybe?” I think about this for a moment. “Wait- new topic, are you going to GSA today? Please say yes. You have to say yes or I’ll cry.”

“Bitch.”

“Fucker.” We makes hearts with our hands to really get the fact that we actually hate each other across.

While we’re having our chat, Naomi joins and we welcome her, there’s a brief exchange in which Mel agrees to go to the club after school today, only if Naomi goes too and Naomi agreed to because it beats just watching the football team practice while she waits for her brother to drive her home.

I only get a few complaints from teachers about the crumpled papers, it’s mostly just jokes though. At lunch, Ronnie joins us again.

“Heath, you need a snake?” Ronnie offers an applesauce cup to me and I oh so humbly accept it from them.

All but inhaling the applesauce, it’s gone sooner than anyone can start a new conversation. As I slam the empty applesauce cup onto the table, a group of preppy-adjacent freshman girls pass by us and sicker to each other, pointing at Naomi.

“I can beat them up for you,” I offer, wiping applesauce from my face.

“Haha, n… no. That’s not… needed.” I’m just now realizing that Naomi might not be stuttering from anxiety and she might actually just have a stutter.

“If you say so.” I shrug my shoulders and start a conversation with Ronnie about our Dungeons and Dragons characters, before moving on to talk about how GSA is meeting after school.

After lunch, my next three classes are boring and nothing particularly happens in them. At the end of the day, I head back to my art class where GSA meets.

“Hey Heath!” I’m greeted by Jae, who is in conversation with a freshman, who must me new this year.

“‘Sup.” I start moving some of the tables together so there’s a large table for about twelve people to sit around. “We’ll be starting soon, probably. Take your seats, please.” Jae and the freshman sit down at the other end of the table, soon Ronnie joins, then three small freshman, then Mel and Naomi. “Okay, we’ve got mostly everyone who will be showing up today, and it’s about time to start.” We start with check ins, which consists of stating your name and your pronouns?

“I’m Heath, this club’s president, and I use he/him pronouns.”

“Ronnie, I’m the vice president, they/them.”

“Mel, she/her.”

“Naomi, she/her.”

“Christian, he/him.” The freshman with Jae.

“Jae, the secretary, he/him and they/them.”

“Felicity, she/her.” One of the three freshmen.

“Alex, she/her.” The next freshman.

“Kali, she/her.” The last freshman.

“Okay, thanks for coming, everyone, today we’re just gonna set some stuff up for the rest of the year…”

The meeting goes well enough, the three freshmen mostly just whisper and giggle to each other, but other than that nothing goes wrong. I walk home with Mel after the club and I eat dry cereal out of the box as I do homework in the living room.

Mom doesn’t come back home that night, and I feel sorry about how many hours she’s currently working.

*

The next morning goes business as usual, except for the fact that I didn’t get any sleep at all. Onus arrives at the house, makes me a pancake, packs me a lunch and does does homework while I get ready for school. I leave the house with Mel, we walk through the school parking lot.

“School parking lot” is where things deviate from business as usual. As we’re walking by the regular group of jock-adjacent kids, they snicker at me and I turn to them.

“You’re just gonna do that everyday, huh?” I shout. The morning is bright, cool and the perfect time to throw some hands.

“Keep walking, girl,” one of the guys, a taller, lankier one, who isn’t even facing my direction just kind of shouts back out of the side of his mouth.

“Keep laughing, asshat.” I tiptoe my way towards them, and I can feel Mel plant herself in the pavement.

#GAB #gab writing #my wriring #nanowrimo #unfinished #novella #my writing