#if you really wanna pick a fight with me over well-documented history then you better bring in some sources to back your shit

[endusviolence]

Rowling isn't denying holocaust. She just pointed out that burning of transgender health books is a lie as that form of cosmetic surgery didn't exist. But of course you knew that already, didn't you?

I was thinking I'd probably see one of you! You're wrong :) Let's review the history a bit, shall we?

In this case, what we're talking about is the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft, or in English, The Institute of Sexology. This Institute was founded and headed by a gay Jewish sexologist named Magnus Hirschfeld. It was founded in July of 1919 as the first sexology research clinic in the world, and was run as a private, non-profit clinic. Hirschfeld and the researchers who worked there would give out consultations, medical advice, and even treatments for free to their poorer clientele, as well as give thousands of lectures and build a unique library full of books on gender, sexuality, and eroticism. Of course, being a gay man, Hirschfeld focused a lot on the gay community and proving that homosexuality was natural and could not be "cured".

Hirschfeld was unique in his time because he believed that nobody's gender was either one or the other. Rather, he contended that everyone is a mixture of both male and female, with every individual having their own unique mix of traits.

This leads into the Institute's work with transgender patients. Hirschfeld was actually the one to coin the term "transsexual" in 1923, though this word didn't become popular phrasing until 30 years later when Harry Benjamin began expanding his research (I'll just be shortening it to trans for this brief overview.) For the Institute, their revolutionary work with gay men eventually began to attract other members of the LGBTA+, including of course trans people.

Contrary to what Anon says, sex reassignment surgery was first tested in 1912. It'd already being used on humans throughout Europe during the 1920's by the time a doctor at the Institute named Ludwig Levy-Lenz began performing it on patients in 1931. Hirschfeld was at first opposed, but he came around quickly because it lowered the rate of suicide among their trans patients. Not only was reassignment performed at the Institute, but both facial feminization and facial masculization surgery were also done.

The Institute employed some of these patients, gave them therapy to help with other issues, even gave some of the mentioned surgeries for free to this who could not afford it! They spoke out on their behalf to the public, even getting Berlin police to help them create "transvestite passes" to allow people to dress however they wanted without the threat of being arrested. They worked together to fight the law, including trying to strike down Paragraph 175, which made it illegal to be homosexual. The picture below is from their holiday party, Magnus Hirschfeld being the gentleman on the right with the fabulous mustache. Many of the other people in this photo are transgender.

[Image ID: A black and white photo of a group of people. Some are smiling at the camera, others have serious expressions. Either way, they all seem to be happy. On the right side, an older gentleman in glasses- Magnus Hirschfeld- is sitting. He has short hair and a bushy mustache. He is resting one hand on the shoulder of the person in front of him. His other hand is being held by a person to his left. Another person to his right is holding his shoulder.]

There was always push back against the Institute, especially from conservatives who saw all of this as a bad thing. But conservatism can't stop progress without destroying it. They weren't willing to go that far for a good while. It all ended in March of 1933, when a new Chancellor was elected. The Nazis did not like homosexuals for several reasons. Chief among them, we break the boundaries of "normal" society. Shortly after the election, on May 6th, the book burnings began. The Jewish, gay, and obviously liberal Magnus Hirschfeld and his library of boundary-breaking literature was one of the very first targets. Thankfully, Hirschfeld was spared by virtue of being in Paris at the time (he would die in 1935, before the Nazis were able to invade France). His library wasn't so lucky.

This famous picture of the book burnings was taken after the Institute of Sexology had been raided. That's their books. Literature on so much about sexuality, eroticism, and gender, yes including their new work on trans people. This is the trans community's Alexandria. We're incredibly lucky that enough of it survived for Harry Benjamin and everyone who came after him was able to build on the Institute's work.

[Image ID: A black and white photo of the May Nazi book burning of the Institute of Sexology's library. A soldier, back facing the camera, is throwing a stack of books into the fire. In the background of the right side, a crowd is watching.]

As the Holocaust went on, the homosexuals of Germany became a targeted group. This did include transgender people, no matter what you say. To deny this reality is Holocaust denial. JK Rowling and everyone else who tries to pretend like this isn't reality is participating in that evil. You're agreeing with the Nazis.

But of course, you knew that already, didn't you?

Edit: Added image IDs. I apologize to those using screen readers for forgetting them. Please reblog this version instead.

#transgender #trans history #transsexual #transphobia #Magnus Hirschfeld #holocaust #holocaust denial #book burning #j.k. rowling #jk rowling #just in case you missed what i mean by all this: go fuck yourself anon :) #trans people have always existed #and we will always exist #if you really wanna pick a fight with me over well-documented history then you better bring in some sources to back your shit #queer history #queer #lgbt+ #lgbta+ #lgbt #lgbt history #edit: i finally got around to those damn image IDs. i am so very sorry for totally forgetting that's my bimbo moment of the month #also real quick i thought about adding an image of the actual building but the only one i can find has a Nazi parade in front of it #it was taken the day of the book burning raid and honestly if i were to include it then i'd add it to the first few paragraphs #and i think the story's better told when you uphold the hope Magnus Hirschfeld and all the researchers he worked with had #also keeps being brought up: yes Hirschfeld was a eugenicist. it was a popular belief set that was only discredited after WW2 #Hirschfeld died in 1935. he literally didn't live long enough to see science turn against those beliefs and practices #considering how he changed his mind on transitions i like to think he would've changed his mind on eugenics too if he'd lived

[strosmkai-rum]

writing resources masterlist.

i have to admit. my first reason for doing this was to spite my brain because it wouldn’t write. so, instead, i made this. 

so here. 160+ links. gathered from a million questionable google searches, and some more crawling through mobile chrome tabs for 11 hours. anyways, enjoy!

where to write!

some popular platforms:

google docs is my choice for writing. it’s free, auto saves, you can access your stuff on mobile, pc, tablet, etc., and great for multi person collabs + link sharing. but, you need internet to use it, and for big documents (upwards of 55k words) it takes a while to load on pc, and editing on mobile is damn near impossible. 

scrivener is great too, and has the binder, which is great for organizing stuff. however, the mac version is way, way ahead of the pc in terms of updated versions. i mean, the pc version is still useable. and, it’s pretty expensive at $45 usd. 

microsoft word is really popular, and used pretty much everywhere. there’s templates and you can save documents in different formats, and compatible with other microsoft office programs too. it’s also a bit complicated at the start, but tbh most software is gonna be like that. sort of in the same boat as scrivener, as in, it costs money. usually a subscription, but if you decide to buy it flat out, it’s even more pricy, but def worth it imo. 

other writing platforms:

zenwriter 3 for windows and mac - $17.50 usd

focuswriter - free

libreoffice - free

credit to @scribeofred for help with this. she has an amazing writing blog that’s super helpful, so definitely check it out! and she’s a professional editor, so it’s coming from someone who knows what they’re doing. 

writing by hand is great too. some people can focus better that way, or, if you have a drawing tablet, you can write get the feeling of writing, and have it digitally too. 

of course, you could just type into your notes app, or ao3, or a tumblr draft post, but let’s not-

focusing!

spotify, youtube premium, and tidal are all great for listening to music. all of them, except for the free version of spotify, have a subscription. 

but maybe music isn’t your thing! here’s some more stuff: 

rainforme is a rain/thunder player with adjustable volume

coffitivity for café ambience

ambient mixer has a ton of different ambience, and even lets you create your own.

noisli has playlists for different situations and has a built in timer and editor.

asoftmurmur lets you make your own mixes with their own, generally nature-focused sounds. 

tabletopaudio with a focus on fantasy/noir ambience

mynoise has a lot of variety in sounds, including a...black hole

forest is an app/extension that grows a forest, for however long you manage to stay off of blacklisted sites, and dies when you revisit them. good for studying or a distraction-free writing experience (if you’ve got the restraint for it), but if you need resources on hand to write, this might not be good for you. 

moodboards!

wanna make a moodboard? lit! here’s some ways to get your images. 

unsplash (my journalism teacher, out of all the people recommended it to us. regardless, it’s a great way to source copyright free and not-stolen images.)

canva is much the same with no copyright issues, and actually lets you design the board on the site. 

adobe spark is also good and free.

now. pinterest. don’t get me wrong, it’s great for finding images. but it’s full of stolen images and all. so, maybe don’t source your stuff from there. 

character development!

behind the name name generator for different ethnicities, includes other character info like physical stats, language, age, blood type, cause of death, etc.

16personalities personality test

character flaws

how to create a character profile + worksheet below

big-ass character sheet (that’s the name) for making a wildly detailed overview of your character.

the most epic character chart ever (again, the name), a 12 page chart for your character.

character archetypes

character questionnaire

a super in-depth questionnaire for all stages of your character’s life

character development

creating a look for your character!

so maybe you’re not great at drawing. that’s okay! 

first off, there’s a ton of amazing, talented artists here, that you can commission to get a picture of your character done. i’d definitely point you towards them first, because you help support them, and you also get some gorgeous art too!

but if you don’t have the funds for that right now, here’s some generators, to have one regardless.

picrew’s really popular, so here’s some generators i found, with social media linked for credit:

sky: children of light character maker (i didn’t see any social media, just a link to the game’s terms of service) aka the one i use in my tumblr prof pic

among us character creator (@NetherHeartz on twitter)

icon maker (@lullindo on twitter/instagram)

another icon maker (tumblr)

character maker (tumblr, twitter, instagram)

girl maker (tumblr)

fantasy girl maker (twitter)

aesthetic girl maker (@rileydixondesign on instagram)

boy maker (@hellomadjackass on twitter/instagram)

another boy maker (tumblr, @GigiliJiggly on twitter, @gigili_jiggly on instagram)

western boys (@mosssygator on twitter)

and toyhou.se is great for storing your character.

prompt generators!

a list of different generators depending on what you need

pretty much the same as above

pretty much the same as above again

same again-

127 prompts if you’re writing about yourself

science fiction plot generator

random generators

map making!

cartographer’s guild is a website dedicated to map making, so a TON of resources on geography and landscape and whatnot.

inkarnate is for making your own fantasy maps, they have a free and a pro version but the free one is def enough to get going!

worldanvil is awesome for worldbuilding in general. 

nat geo has an awesome interactive world map, with options to see a ton more info like population density, animal populations, language diversity, and just a lot of stuff in general for irl maps. 

mapchart is great for irl custom maps. 

this one is also good, a bit laggy and auto-generates a map, but def useable. here’s a how-to for it. 

geoguesser lets you pick somewhere on the world map, and it’ll show you that location on google maps. 

and of course, there’s the classic ‘spill uncooked rice/macaroni on paper, trace the outline, and go from there’ technique. 

medication/wounds!

drug index to find specific medication and side effects

medicine name generator to make your own!

how drugs are named!

writing realistic injuries

writing realistic injuries 2

wound term definitions

wound documentation

interactive 3d human body with viewable layers

broken bones

bruise colors

entrance + exit wounds

gunshot injuries

stab wounds 

blood clotting and bleeding disorders

blood clotting and bleeding disorders 2 electric boogaloo

general info on bleeding to death

deathreference aka the encyclopedia of death and dying, alphabetized

how to write gore and examples

crime writing!

poisons

the human body after death

body changes after death

corpse decomposition

killing someone (not as easy as it seems)

three essays on political corruption

criminal law

usa state laws

an fairly simple overview of uk law

legal system in the uk

more guides to uk law

used + abused drugs

a-z list of illicit substances

paper on drug use, trade, and prices

64-page long paper on economic and social consequences of drug abuse + trafficking

70 page crime scene checklist

illustrated guide on kitchen knives

history of combat knives

firearms

more on types of guns

college of policing published research

forensic document examination + downloadable as pdfs (check the sidebars for many more topics)

more in-depth guide of forensic document examination and forgeries

more forensic science topics

crime scene investigation/forensics articles

serial murder

havocscope for black market/underground stuff, and more pages on corruption and organized crime

general overview of political corruption

homicide investigation procedures

psychology of famous criminals

faqs about human trafficking

fingerprints and black powder

pathology guides

understanding injuries

analyzing bodies

crime scene response and procedures 

the fbi can actually help you write your story as well, here.

more resources!

if you’re esl or struggle with grammar, this might help. 

fight scene advice (i see a lot of writers struggle with this, including me, but this helped a ton.)

more help on fight scenes

info on first drafts

editing vs. revising

10 things that might be stopping you from writing

language vs. dialect

a bunch of generators for cities and names

mithrilandmages name generators and lists (fantasy + modern generators)

over 100+ generators for a ton of fandoms 

medieval bestiary

greek mythology bestiary

norse gods and creatures

more norse mythology

scandinavian folklore

more scandinavian folklore

mythical creatures masterlist (not as in-depth as the bestiaries, but if you need ideas/a general overview, this is really good)

different types of povs

more pov stuff

more povs with definitions and lots of examples

how to choose your pov

gestures + body language masterlist

facial expressions masterlist

voice library with sounds according to different emotions (warning: they automatically play when you hover your mouse over them so lower your damn volume when you do, because some of them are really. uh. moany.)

printable storyboards

online storyboard making

writing, roleplaying + worldbuilding (advice on pretty much anything you could name)

some cool french phrases

essaytyper

harvard’s essay writing resources

tips on writing grief

a ton of different essays on writing topics

638 character traits

color shades + names 1, 2, 3, 4

alphabetical list of colors

date calculator

every literary device

animal tracking

compound bows, draw length + weight

famous last words

bite force of different animals

tips on writing accents

unique fracture patterns in glass/glassy polymers

a-z of careers

types of swords

general advice!

jot down ideas when you get them! 

don’t force yourself to write, or else you’ll burn out. and that’s never good. 

have snacks and drinks handy if you’re going to be writing for an extended amount of time. even if you’re not, your brain needs fuel to run.

so, drinks like tea and water. snacks that aren’t oily/greasy or crumbly (i mean, do you really want that on your paper or keyboard?), 

and on that note, for god’s sake use the bathroom frequently. 

if you have difficulty concentrating, get something like a fidget cube or something to help. or take a nap.

if you don’t think your writing is good at first, just keep. writing. it’s a skill, and the more you write, the better you’ll get.

beta readers and outside opinions are very helpful. and please, never antagonize them first. 

first drafts are messy! and done > perfect the first time around.

probably more stuff but it’s been 11+ hours and i want to play skyrim already so take it.  

#writing #resources #my brain did this instead of write #what do i tag here #crime #forensic science #writeblr

[schrijverr]

I Wrote My Own Deliverance

Chapter 10 out of 10

Alexander Hamilton is reborn as Alex Hambleton. He is desperate not to make the same mistakes twice, but it seems he is stuck in the narrative, unable to get out. Familiar faces pop up all around him as he attempts to keep his previous life a secret and write himself out of the story.

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: none, but tell me if I missed anything or if you want me to tag something!!

~~~~~~~~~~~

“- Oh my god, you have been roommates with Aaron Burr for over a year!”

Alex winced. He’d hoped everyone had forgotten that detail, but it seemed not as the entire room exploded once more. With a last “What the shit, Alex,” from Laurens the room fell quiet to look at him expectantly.

He shrugged and said: “I made my peace with Burr, he’s pretty cool.”

And with that the whole room was send into disarray again.

“How!” John shrieked, “He murdered you!”

“Yeah and he had his reasons. I hate to inform you, but I was the one that said yes to the duel and insulted him the whole way through.” Alex shot back, “Besides, I thought we had just established that this time things can be different. If I can believe in Aaron, I can believe in myself. So far he’s been nothing but civil to me, he’s just another student wanting to live his life.”

It was quiet for a moment and Alex offered: “And Betsy already punched him, so even-Steven?”

“Only you, Alexander.” Eliza face palmed.

“I try.” he grinned.

“Wait,” Angelica said and Alex was scared of what she remembered, “You already knew at the party. Why did you come if you knew you would get punched?”

“First of, I didn’t want to assume and I only put the pieces together when the fist was already flying at my face. Second, I kinda did deserve that.” he told her.

“That’s not exactly healthy.” John pointed out, but he shut up after a look from Alex, the other had too much dirt on him and John was honestly the last who could talk about fighting as a coping mechanism.

Alex stuck his tongue out, as he turned and grabbed his phone: “Speaking of the party and Aaron, I probably need to find him before he does something stupid with his self-esteem issues and blame complex, like no offense, but our last meeting was not the most important thing ever.”

“You died.” Lafayette pointed out.

“Happens to the best of us,” Alex shrugged, “Case and point.”

“Ego much.” John grumbled and Alex just smiled as he called Aaron anonymously, the man probably wouldn’t pick up otherwise.

“Ah, yes, with me, Alex, your favourite and only roommate.”

“No, I’m not here to yell at you. I would have done that already if I wanted to.”

“Yeah, naturally, I never come back on my words.”

“They’re here yeah, already yelled at me and stuff.”

“I cannot with a 100% certainty promise that you will not get punched, but I am willing to try and convince them otherwise.”

He hung up and turned to the others: “Aaron is coming over, be nice.”

“Why would I be nice.” John pouted, arms crossed.

“Because, my dear Laurens, I have forgiven him and he could use some friends.” Alex explained.

“I’m with John here, I don’t want to be his friend.” Eliza mirrored John.

Alex smiled and said: “I know, Betsy, I know, but he hasn’t had it easy either. Even more of a nay-sayer and all around stick in the mud this time around. He has no one, you know how much it sucks to have no one.”

“Theodosia?” she asked, but Alex could tell her bleeding heart was giving in.

“Hasn’t come back, yet.” he smiled sadly at her.

“Alright, I won’t punch him then.” she threw her hands in the air.

They turned to John, who moped: “Whatever, but I’m not going to be nice.”

“Oh come on, man.” Herc said, “Making fun of Burr was always fun, it’ll be like the good old days when we were right and he told us to shut up.”

“You have a warped idea of fun, mon ami.” Laf told him.

“Like you weren’t there every single time to join in.” Herc shot back as they dissolved into squabbling.

Alex smiled and finally felt like he could take a breath. He had his friends around him again and no matter what the world threw at him, he could take it. He was home.

A knock at the door shook him out of his musings and he threw a look over his shoulder as he walked over to the door. Before he opened it, he warned: “Be nice.”

Aaron was indeed standing there and Alex greeted him cheerily: “Aaron Burr, sir.”

“Alexander” Aaron greeted with a wince.

“Come on, don’t be like that. If I had known you would become more boring, I would have never written another public document to fuck with you.” Alex grinned.

“Don’t antagonize him, Alex.” Eliza called out.

“Yeah, we all know how that turned out last time.” John huffed.

The comments didn’t really help, because Aaron winced as he started to back away, clearly on the brink of running.

“Guys, please try to be civil.” it earned Alex some disbelieving snorts, “Look at him, he’s about to cry. Are you gonna make Aaron Bartow cry?”

“Oh, it’s Aaron Bartow now?” John huffed.

“Yes. Yes, it is.” Alex said, “Just like you’re John Lawson and I’m Alex Hambleton. We’re not the same people anymore and I forgave Aaron a long time ago. He deserves people who know and understand as much as the next person.”

“You forgive me?” Aaron voice sounded so small and fragile that all retorts that might have been, died before they were spoken.

“I do.” Alex told him, “I saw your face, you know? When you shot. You were bracing for a bullet and when it didn’t come you looked so heartbroken and surprised. Van Ness had to drag you away. I don’t forget easily. I know I’m abrasive and a loud mouth that has an opinion on everything, who makes rash decisions, so I don’t blame you for wanting to protect yourself.”

Aaron looked at him wordlessly, unsure of what to say.

Alex grinned: “I’m aware you have a stick up your ass, but are you going to stare at my handsome face the entire day or am I going to get a hug.”

“You’re an asshole.” Aaron told him as he clutched the other tightly.

“I’ve been told.” Alex replied, merely holding on just as strong.

It took a while before either let go, but Alex was planning to hide for today and standing in the hallway with his door open was not ideal, especially as time went on and more people got the news, so he pried Aaron off him and led him inside.

He turned back to properly close the door when it was slammed open by none other than Tom, or Thomas Jefferson, he wasn’t sure who he had in front of him.

“You.” he pointed at Alex, whose eyes grew wide as he held up his hands, probably Jefferson he thought, “You motherfucker.”

Jefferson slammed down his hand and seethed: “This, really? You and your fucking pamphlets have to- Ugh! It’s always fucking you with your big ego and thousands of words that don’t even make sense most of the time and-”

“Hey, dude, calm down.” Alex cut him off, “What got you so mad?”

“This triggered my memories.” Jefferson admitted with venom, “Not the history lessons, not my face in buildings, not my legacy fucking me over or even that stupid musical. But you and your constant need for attention.”

“Ah,” Alex is quite unsure about what to say and one look at the others confirmed that neither did they, so he weakly offered, “At least you remember?”

“Like you think that’s a good thing, I read your stupid pamphlet, Lord knows I did, and it sucks, asshole.” Jefferson snarled, “We both know that.”

“It gets better when you find people.” Alex said, gesturing to the others, who waved awkwardly.

“Maybe, but I don’t really have anybody, now do I?” Jefferson told him and Alex would’ve never thought he’d see the day where he sympathized with Jefferson, though in front of him was Tom as well, not just Jefferson anymore.

“I thought we were kind of friends?” he replied, “I like debating with you and we agree more this time and, look, I know people we knew.”

Jefferson looked at him as if he had three heads as he slowly said: “You, Alexander Hamilton, you- you want to be friends? With me? Did you hit your head? Like is there something wrong with you and are you missing your memories? You hate me.”

“No, I hate Thomas Jefferson and if I recall correctly, your name is Tom Jamesson.” Alex replied, “And if you look closely, you’ll see Aaron Bartow sitting there. Besides, I think I can handle more debating in my life.”

“Only you would keep someone in your life to fight with them.” Tom said with a faked annoyance, “Though my name is actually Thomas Jamesson, so get your fact straight.”

“Well, then, Thomas, welcome to my humble abode, now please shut the door behind you before nosy strangers come in.” Alex said when Thomas’ reply wasn’t a blunt no.

Thomas snorted: “You published your life story again and you’re worried about nosy strangers.”

“It’s about the principle of the thing, I wanna do it all official, maybe hold a press conference, get a dinner thrown in my honor, make a long speech that everyone is forced to listen to. It’ll be great.” he grinned.

“The fact that I believe you is disturbing.” Angelica piped up.

And so they roped Thomas into the fray that was their little Revolution crew as they talked about their life now and their life back then. They compared notes on what was different and what was the same.

Apparently the Schuyler sisters were now childhood best friends and Angelicas memories had triggered those of the others. Eliza remarked: “Peggy was so sad she couldn't come to slap you into next week, but she has her internship.”

“Not looking forward to that.” Alex winced, “And I thought she liked me?”

“She does, she just likes fighting more.” Angelica commented humorously, “Being able to have opinions and do stuff, has really gotten her out of her 18th century shell.”

“Good for her.” Alex nodded.

“That’s what I said!” John exclaimed excitedly.

They moved on to Lafayette, who told them it was same old French noble blood and being send off to America for better education and to explore the world. He pouted over not being as close to Washington anymore, but brightened when he told them about the tea they drank together every other Wednesday.

John didn’t say anything about his father, besides the fact that he was a Senator and still a dick, or other family for that matter, but he was ecstatic that he would be able to become a Doctor this time around and he loved his study dearly.

Thomas didn’t really say much either. He was still struggling with connecting his two identities and what that meant for him. When asked about James, he sadly said: “If I saw him, we didn’t recognize each other.”

“Hey, we’ll find him if he’s out there.” Alex comforted him, then joked, “He probably remembered and tried to stay as far away from here as possible to avoid seeing me again.”

It got a small huff of amusement out of Thomas.

Alex looked at Aaron to ask about him, when his phone rang. Nervously he picked up: “Hello, yes, this is Alex Hambleton speaking.”

“Ah, you’ve read it then.”

“I understand.”

“Within the month?” Alex asked surprised, “Then I get to keep my scholarship? Thank you so much, sir!”

He turned to the others who were waiting expectantly as he grinned: “Looks like I’m getting registered and my plan for world domination is still on track.”

“I’ll drink to that.” Herc yelled, getting cheers from the others.

Alex smiled in the midst of his friends with a future bright and obtainable. A story ready for him to write how he saw fit, unbound by mistakes of the past.

He might be an old story in a new place, but there was always room for a rewrite. They were already on the second draft anyway.

#RR writing #Hamitlon AU #hamilton #hamilton the musical #alexander hamilton #Aaron Burr #thomas jefferson #angelica schuyler #eliza schuyler #john laurens #lafayette #marquis de lafayette #hercules mulligan #I Wrote My Own Deliverance #I Wrote My Own Deliverance Chpater 10

[sad-boy-mono]

Character and Relationship Backstory and an update from me

Hey y'all! I have an update on where I've been at the end of this post for those of y'all who have been following Highschool Casualties and are wondering where I went, but if you've just stumbled across this I don't want to throw a long and random explination at ya!

Haven’t read the main story yet?

Heres the Tumblr Masterpost and the Ao3 link!

The characters

Damien Haas

16, sophomore in high school. Hardcore musical theater kid from grades 4-8. Loves to sing and shit. Got quite a few bigger roles early on. Things got busy freshman year, so he had to put things on hold.

(Favorite musical is probably falsettos or something idk I'm not a theater kid.)

(That's a lie, I'm just a bad theater kid XP)

Fucking loves superhero movies and shit because haha irony.

Favorite class is Drama, least favorite is math. Because math is hard and temporary but Shakespeare is forever.

Has an irrational fear of doctors, dentists, and needles due to some surgical mishaps that occurred when he was young. Also has a fear of the ocean.

Deals with anxiety and frequent panic attacks.

Shayne Topp

15, sophomore in high school. Really fucking loves football, but not on the team. He wanted to be, but he use to be friends with some of the people on the football team. And they... weren't the best to say the least. They were bad influences and caused Shayne to do bad things. He's no longer friends with them, but still goes to the games with Courtney and Damien to cheer on Courtny's brothers who are on the team.

Favorite class is probably woodworking, least favorite is math. Because math is hard and temporary but birdhouses are forever.

(Though he's actually really good at math, like he has the capability to take honors and do well. It just isn't fun.)

Doesn't know how to ride a bike and can't swim. Deep water freaks him out.

Has a huge fear of hurting other (because haha irony) and always puts his friends before himself.

Courtney Miller

14, freshman in high school. Loves writing and art. Has a lot of sketchbooks, but most of them are half filled. At this point she just collects cool sketchbooks.

Also love film/acting/drama but has a lot of anxiety around performing, so she ends up being on her school's tech crew. She's really good at editing, and has a passion for behind the scenes work around productions.

Favorite musical is Heathers.

Favorite class is her painting and art history class, least favorite is math. Because math is hard and temporary but art is forever.

Struggls a lot with school. Doesn't have many friends outside of Shayne and Damien, even when it comes to her tech crew. Generally on bad terms with "friends" (bullies) from middle school.

Doesn't enjoy the other people in her class. A few of them are former (or current) bullies from middle school.

Relationships

Damien and Shayne

Met in the first grade, became friends in a very first-grader-like manner.

Shayne: Hey I like your pokemon shirt

Damien: Oh thanks, you wanna play with trucks?

Shayne: Yeah sure.

They’ve been best friends ever since.

They had a bit of a falling out from mid 7th through 8th grade because of the guys Shayne hung out with. They were your average middle school douchbags but a lil worse.

Things got sorted the summer following 8th grade.

When they started high school, Shayne’s older brother would pick Damien up and give him a ride to school every morning; even though Damien was in walking distance.

But a month-ish before their freshman year, Shayne’s family ended up moving closer to Damien’s, because a tree fell through Shayne’s house during a terrible storm that hit their town. Even though it hypothetically could've been fixed, the house was old so they took it as a sign to just move.

Shayne is the only person who knows about Damien's anxiety outside of his family, and is who Damien goes to when he's having heighted anxiety or a panic attack.

They also bond over their fear of water strangly often.

Shayne and Courtney

Courtney’s family moved across the street from Shayne’s family when Courtney was in the 7th grade and Shayne was in the 8th. And after the initial family intoductions when the Millers first moved in, Shayne never talked to Courtney. Until about a month later, when he was home alone and Courtney knocked at his door.

After Shayne asked 'what's up?' Courtney asked if they could be friends.

“Do you know how to play smash?” Shayne asked.

Courtney sighed and let out a defeated ‘no’ and began walking away from the door.

“Ok, I’m gonna teach you how to play.”

They would hang out quite a bit until Shayne moved, but they still talked a lot.

Shayne later found out that Courtney would go door to door asking for friends. Shayne was the first and only person who had actually said yes.

Most people mistake them for siblings and when they find out they aren’t related, they assume they’re dating.

Shayne treats Courtney like a little sister and is very protective of her.

Shayne was fucking LIVID when he found out Courtney was being bullied. As much as he wanted to fight them, Courtney talked him down from doing so.

He still did the whole 'don't fuck with Courtney or I will fucking kill you' big brother thing. It did the trick for a while. When you're a very athletic 15 year old, it's easy to intimidate people that are younger than you.

Courtney hasn't told him about... the current bullies though.

Courtney and Damien

Met through Shayne. He made a group chat with the 3 of them that Shayne named “Operation Friendship”. Since Shayne and Damien weren't on speaking terms when Shayne and Courtney became friends they never had a chance to meet.

But they didn’t meet in person until Courtney’s first day of high school, where the 3 of them had their first class together, conveniently...

Anytime they play video games, a conversation along this happens.

"Courtney where did you learn to play this game?"

"...Shayne"

"Explains why you suck"

"HEY!"

(Shayne) "HEY!"

------

Hey! Thank you so much for reading! It's been awhile hasn't it. Yeah, I'm sorry. My life has been all over the place for the past few months and I've been struggling to find the motivation to write. I don't want to specifics because it's not only very personal, but a long story.

But to summerize why I sorta dissapeared, I had a lot of personal issues going on with both school and home and as my mental health was on this steady, but consistent, decline, it was at its very lowest in December. My home issues had reached their peak, and with the end of the quarter coming up after Xmas break and my weeks worth of late work coming back to bite me, I was too stressed to work on anything I found enjoyable without losing motivation immidiently.

Things didn't start getting better for me until some time early in semester 2 of my year. My school was transitioning back into fully in person with covid rates at their lowest in my area and things were finally feeling consistant again, but I was still getting my bearings. School still felt draining, though much less than before, and I didn't have much energy to work on things I was passionate about. I don't think I even made a new document for chapter 6 until mid-ish March.

I'm very nervious about coming back to this story after so long for many reason. First being, although I am feeling better mentally, things feel very off with writing this story. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of passion to write this story and want to see it to completion, I've just had a fluxuating interest in smosh aswell. I enjoy the channel, just not as much as I use to. And my hyperfixation on Smosh was a big drive for me writing the story. Second being that I have so much writers block around the sixth chapter of this story, and I'm worried that as soon as I try to work on it, that block will make me lose my motivation again and I'll put it off for another 6 months.

This "chapter" (idk what else I'd call this) has probably been fully finished in my drafts for about a month now, and I've been putting off posting it because of those listed anxieties, but I really want to continue writing this story so I hope you enjoyed!

Also sorry if this explination was all over the place, I just got my first covid vaccine today and am feeling kinda bleh.

#smosh #damien haas #courtney miller #shayne topp #my smosh fic #Highschool Casualties

[rocksandrobots]

Of Rocks and Robots Ch. 15 - The Arrest

Hiro was familiar with the routine of being arrested. The act of having handcuffs slapped on him and being placed in a waiting room next to a holding cell until his aunt could pick him up, didn't bother him. It was the thought of what would come after that made him nervous. 

This was the second time he'd gotten into trouble for bot fighting in the past six months. He had tried so hard to do better since Tadashi's death, but he still somehow fell short. No matter his excuse, Aunt Cass was going to be furious. Worse than that, she was going to be disappointed. 

The thought of letting her down, especially after seeing her go through so much recently, made his stomach churn and his mind race with worry. So of course his anxiety only went through the roof when his new friend decided to not to take the arrest seriously. 

Varian was all smiles, full of charming wit and seemingly benign curiosity. He aimlessly talked with the police and with the fellow criminals equally, not caring that most ignored his friendly chatter nor for the fact that half of them were willing to kill him only moments ago. 

"Hey, would you look at this cell?" Varian cheerfully asked no one in particular as he peered through the bars at one of the empty jail cells. He held onto the iron bars with both hands, leading back on his heels and swung his head back towards Hiro and the police officer with them. "These are a lot nicer than the ones in Corona. They even got toilets! Which one do we get?" He flashed them both a wide grin and Hiro could only look at him in confused horror. 

Sergeant Gerson wasn't amused. "Are either of you, of, or over the age of eighteen?" He asked in a tired voice as he removed Hiro's handcuffs. 

"No." 

"Then you'll both wait out here until your parents or legal guardian can come and bail you out. The holding cells are for adults only." Gerson drone on. 

"You mean you don't arrest people under eighteen?" Varian asked in disbelief. 

"Oh you're still under arrest alright," The sergeant explained, "but we don't put minors into jail cells." 

Now it was Varian's turn to look confused. "Not ever? Not even if they do something really bad, like theft or something?" 

"Nope. This is just the police station. You're here until you pay bail or are released. If charges are pressed, you then have to go to court and there your sentence is decided. Typically minors are sent to a juvenile correction facility if their crime is severe enough." 

Varian turned his eyes upwards and screwed his lips in thought as he tried to process this new information. "You mean that there's a dungeon just for children?" He asked slowly. 

"If you wanna call it that, sure." Gerson shrugged. He was a little surprised by the kid's wording but then again too tired to care. He'd been in the force for ages and was getting on in years so he just chalked it up to 'kids these days and their slang.' 

As Gerson removed Varian's own cuffs, the teen mulled over the differences between the legal system here and in Corona. “Weeell.. What if the kid in question does something really, really, bad, like murder? Do they still go to this ‘juvenile correction facility’?” 

“Depends,” Gerson shrugged, “what state are we talking about and what degree of murder?” 

Varian rubbed the wrists of his now free hands. He wasn’t sure what a ‘degree of murder’ was so he simply asked,  “Uhhh… assassination?”

“Well now, then you’d go to federal court, that is, ‘ Gerson paused and looked around,’ if the CIA doesn’t get you first.” he whispered conspiratorially. 

“Ahhh… the elite guard.” Varian concluded as if he knew exactly what the CIA meant. 

“Uhhh, can we change the subject now?” Hiro interrupted. He stood off to the side looking back and forth between the two of them nervously. Sergeant Gerson may have thought of Varian as just nothing more than some weird precocious kid, but Hiro knew there was more to it than that. His friend was asking all these questions because he genuinely didn’t know anything about their judicial system, but the subject of the questions, paired with the glib way Varian asked them, unnerved Hiro.  

Fortunately, Hiro was spared any more uncomfortable conversions about the nature of the American justice system when Chief Officer Cruz walked in. 

‘Hiro, your aunt has been called and she’s on her way. You can wait out in the lobby for her instead.” he said. “As for your friend, I have a few questions about his records. If you’ll follow me.” Cruz indicated that Varian should come with him and the boys filed out of the holding room followed by Sergeant Gerson.

“Bye, Louie!” Varian called out and waved at the cell full of criminals as he left. 

The last thing Hiro saw before the door closed was ‘Louie’ giving a little wave back in surprise only for his boss, Yama, to smack him in the back of the head for being friendly to the kid that had humiliated him earlier.

                                                        ------------

Hiro sat waiting in the lobby of the police station as he swung his heels together nervously, his feet still not quite reaching the floor yet. Sergeant Gerson had moved back to his customary place behind the front desk and was busying himself with paperwork. Meanwhile, he could see the silhouettes of Varian and Chief Cruz behind the frosted window pane of the office door. He couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but Cruz had mentioned something about records. Hiro could only hope that Professor Granville had been thorough enough in forging Varian’s documents. 

Just then the door opened and Varian sauntered out, still looking as unperturbed by the arrest as ever. He turned back around to face the chief of police again though, as Cruz continued to ask him questions. 

“And you’re sure you haven’t any legal guardian or adult sponsor here in the states?” He pressed. 

Varian just shrugged and paused as if an idea just struck him. “My college roommate is nineteen, does that count?” he offered. 

“Hardly.” was Cruz’s annoyed response. Student visa or no, Cruz wasn’t comfortable with the idea of a minor being abroad without any adult supervision, and he couldn’t believe that the kid had gotten past customs with just a college acceptance letter. Well, no, he could believe it, he just didn’t approve of it. Who was the kid to call upon when he needed help? Like now, for instance. 

Cruz was just contemplating calling the head of the university, to give the woman a piece of his mind if nothing else, when Hiro’s aunt burst through the front doors. She spotted Hiro and ran to him first, wrapping him in a big hug. 

“Are you okay?” She asked, as she still held him. 

“I’m... I’m okay.” Hiro admitted not returning the hug, guilt still pricking at his mind. 

Aunt Cass eventually let go of him and walked over to speak to Cruz. She and Cruz had been childhood friends growing up and she owed him a great deal for not throwing the book at her nephew. Hiro was a multiple offender and his age couldn’t shield him from his consequences forever. 

“I am so sorry, Diego, but thank you for calling me first. I’m sure after today Hiro will think twice about bot fighting again.” She said sternly while looking directly at her nephew and Hiro shrunk under her glare. 

“Oh, Hiro wasn't ‘bot fighting. I was.” Varian explained. All three looked at him in surprise as he continued. “I didn’t know that it was illegal and Hiro was only there to warn me. He tried to get me to stop, but I didn’t listen. So it’s my fault, if you want to blame someone. Hiro didn’t do anything wrong.” 

The adults exchanged glances while Hiro only looked at Varian appreciatively.  

“Hiro, is this true?” Aunt Cass asked and her nephew nodded yes. 

“He didn’t have a robot on him when arrested.” Cruz admitted, basically confirming Varian’s story. 

“Soo, now what?” Aunt Cass asked looking back at Cruz.

There was another silence as everyone waited for the chief of police’s decision. Cruz heaved a sigh of resignation. “I suppose, given that you’re not from San Fansokyo and are a first time offender, I can let you both go with just a warning this time.” 

Everyone perked up at the news but before they could bestow any gratitude the officer continued. “However, I’m still not comfortable with releasing a minor without an adult on hand to grant custody to.” He gave Varian a stern scowl as he said this. 

“Maybe I could take him?” Aunt Cass gently offered. “I’ll make sure he makes it back to the dorms safely.” 

“Alright then,’ Cruz relented. “I leave him to you Cass.” And with that the chief went back to his office to finish work and the trio made to leave.

                                                        ------------

As they walked out of the building into the late afternoon sun, Varian gave a wide grin and was just about to thank Aunt Cass for helping him, when she whirled around and gave the teen a furious glare. 

“What were you thinking!?” She snapped and for the first time that day Varian’s cheery façade fell away. He stood there stunned by her sudden change in demeanor and hurt by her accusatory question.  

“Get in the car.” She ordered before Varian could offer up any defense and both teens sulkily obeyed.

                                                       ------------

Aunt Cass was beside herself with anger and anxiety. There was also another, more disturbing feeling, that she couldn’t quite name at the back of her consciousness, like a cross between a half forgotten nightmare and deja vu. The phone call, the police station, walking out with two teenagers in tow; it all felt eerily familiar and yet somehow, off. 

She was repeating history and yet it wasn’t Tadashi that sat across from her now. She kept glancing over to the dark haired boy slouching in the front seat, reminding herself that it wasn’t actually her child sitting there, back from the grave. 

With a deep breath, she took a look through the rear view mirror to see Hiro sitting in the back. He had just finished texting his friends telling them where he and Varian were at. 

“Is Baymax with them?” She asked. 

“Yeah, he’s with them.” Hiro replied and put his phone back in his pocket. He knew his aunt would want to start lecturing them soon and he knew it’d be best if he paid attention to that. 

“So” Cass asked, “do you want to tell me why you were at the bot fight today?” 

The question was mostly for Varian since he had been the one to participate in the competition, but the teen only remained silent. He instead stared ahead out the windshield not wanting to meet her gaze. 

“Well, I hope you realize now how dangerous and reckless that was. You were incredibly lucky the police showed up when they did, and that Officer Cruz was willing to let you both off with just a warning.” She admonished and gave a meaningful glare at the rear view mirror; hoping Hiro would see how serious she was and realize that he too wasn’t fully off the hook. He did see and wiggled uncomfortably in his seat. Varian, however, still gave no indication that her words had reached him. 

“You could have been hurt,” She continued, “or gotten yet another blemish on your record. And for what? Money? Bragging rights? You’re both so smart and have such bright futures ahead of you. Why waste that on a game?” She slammed the brakes hard as they came to a red light, growing more frustrated by the lack of acknowledgment from the blued eyed teen. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve been down to that police station in the past two years? It’s not a pleasant experience to know your child is in trouble. It’s.. well, it’s frightening, is what it is. A million questions run through your mind. Are they hurt? Did they hurt someone else? Will they be let back out? Am I going to have to close the shop again? I hope you keep that in mind next time you want to go show off your robot making skills.” 

“Yes ma'am.” Came the hollow whisper from Varian. It was an automatic response, one meant to placate rather than confirm anything the other person had said. Varian wasn’t used to lectures. Even back home when his father would get on to him for something, it was usually just a single order or a weary sigh of disappointment. Quirin had always been a man of few words. Hiro’s aunt however never seemed to run out of words. Had it been anybody else, he may have not cared, but the woman had been so kind to Varian that he now felt nauseous with guilt. 

Aunt Cass huffed in exasperation. She wasn’t getting through to him. And why would she? She wasn’t his mother. He barely knew her outside of the few times he’d come over to visit her nephew. There was nothing to it, she’d have to call the boy’s father and let him know what had happened. Though she had no idea what time of day it was in, where was it, Russia, no, Corona? 

“I’d ground both of you if I could, but I can’t. So we’ll just have to call your father once we get back to the café.” 

That got his attention. Varian looked at her wide eyed with fear and even Hiro seemed worried at that. 

“You better have his number ready when we get there. No weaseling out of it.” She ordered. “Just think what your father will say when he knows you’ve been arrested.” 

The face Varian gave her when she said that statement nearly broke her heart. He looked like he was about to cry. But there was no time to dwell on why he was so upset as the light changed to green again and she had to focus on driving instead. However just as the car began to move she heard the sickening sound of a car door opening and feet hitting the payment. 

“Varian!? What are you doing!?” Hiro called out and Aunt Cass turned just in time to see Varian running away from the car and across the street. She froze in horror as the boy dodged oncoming traffic and the cars behind her began to loudly honk their horns, ordering her to move. She only unfroze when she saw Varian make it to the sidewalk, breathing a sigh of relief. Only to sharply inhale again, when she saw him take off running once more down an alleyway and out of sight. 

Her mind raced. What could she do?

“You want me to go after him?” Hiro asked. 

“You stay in this car young man!” She ordered. She wasn’t about to have two children lost in the city. Coming to a decision, she made a U-turn and headed back to the police station.

                                                        ------------

Varian ran. He ran past buildings, parked cars, and street vendors. He pushed his way through crowds and ducked down dark alleys. He ran until his legs ached and his chest stung with each breath but still he kept on going, blindly turning every which way, not really caring where he went. He only knew that he needed to get away. Away from this strange city and away from his shame. 

Neon signs flashed above and tall glass and metal spires towered over him, increasing his anxiety. What was once a world of wonder now seemed frighteningly alien. The swarms of oddly dressed people that surrounded him started to make him feel claustrophobic as they passed by without giving him a second glance. He just wanted to go home, back to the normalcy of the green fields and the warm fireplace that he would sit by in the kitchen. Where he could look out the window towards the forest and see the stars in the sky as he curled up with a good book or a hot cup of cocoa that he’d managed to save up for.  

Finally, he came to the large bridge that connected the metropolis to the other side of the bay. There he saw the inviting woodland in the distance and took off down it’s walkway. The sun was beginning to set and city lights started to twinkle in the distance as he made his way across. Tears stung his eyes but he dared not stop to wipe them. 

He made it to the other side as night began to settle and the moon started to hang overhead. He ran along the side of the road for a little ways more before taking a sharp turn and diving straight into the forest. The ground was rougher here and he stumbled once or twice over a root or a rock he didn’t see in the dark, but still he kept on running. 

He only stopped when he came to the foot of a giant tree. It wasn’t like any other he’d seen before, massive in size and shooting high into the night sky, but it smelt kind of like a pine or a spruce, but not quite. Whatever, at least it wasn’t another skyscraper, he thought as he collapsed next to the thick trunk, his hands digging into the soft red bark of the tree. He slid down to the forest floor as he began to sob and other more familiar scents and sounds assailed his senses. The smell of earthy moss, the rustle of tree leaves above, the damp grassy ground soaking through his coat, all of it reminded him of the woods near his home and helped to calm his nerves. 

He shuttered another sob and choked back tears. He didn’t know what to do any more. He didn’t want to face anyone he knew or think about how he’d let his father down, again. All he wanted was just to be back where he belonged though he knew deep down that he could never return to that place in time two years ago. He huddled under the tree, resigned, and cried himself to sleep. 

#hiro #aunt cass #Hiro Hamada #varian #officer cruz #tangled #big hero six #BH6 the series #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure

[mittensmorgul]

MoC anon again, hi! (also, eek, sorry about those two hours you lost) i think sam’s history with anger issues is actually kinda WHY he would handle it better, because he’s been practicing controlling it his whole life. (and i think he’s a lot better at it in s11 than he was in s5, ya know?) whereas, like you said, dean builds walls to keep the bad OUT, but he tends to act on emotion a lot more than sam, and his emotions are more explosive, and a lot less regulated. 1/2

(and while dean works very hard to hide his softer emotions, he’s never been particularly bothered with showing his anger.) i just can’t picture sam losing control the same way dean did. not saying that he wouldn’t lose control at all, of course, it’s gonna be messy either way, and obviously sam is not a paragon of mental health, but he has experience controlling the “darkness” inside him in a way dean never did 2/2

Hi there! and yeah, I’m doubly sorry now that my original post was eaten because I did cover this, as well. I think you and I read Sam and Dean very, very differently. I don’t think Sam HAS had a lot of practice controlling his anger, is the thing. 

Yeah, Dean has exploded in frustration and anger, but so has Sam. Because Sam kind of runs on anger (or he did, especially in earlier seasons), it feels to me like adding the mark to that would’ve been throwing gasoline on a fire. And once we saw how Amara operates, we know she used the same sort of lure on Dean that Ruby had used on Sam. Similar to Lucifer whispering to him from the cage in early s11.  Retroactively, I guess I’ve applied that same sort of enticement to how the Mark called out to Dean in s9 and s10.

Because it also didn’t come down to “control” in those moments where Dean “snapped” into murderousness. It didn’t seem to have anything to do with rage at all. He “woke up” from those acts (like the first time he held the first blade in 9.16, when he killed Abaddon in 9.21, when he killed the shapeshifter in 10.06, when he killed the group of men who’d literally had him at gunpoint and were trying to kill him in 10.10, for example), It was never framed as “Dean gives into the rage,” or “Dean fails to control his anger.” It was always framed as him being compltely taken over and basically controlled by an outside force. When Dean would fight his way back to the surface after those incidents, he was shaken and afraid by what he’d done.

Like Dean when he was struggling with Amara’s control of him in s11, we saw how insidious her influence was in his presence, but take that same capacity to influence someone and literally insert it directly into their brain. That’s the Mark. But when Dean confessed this to Sam in 11.13:

Dean: Honestly? You seriously think the sister of God is my deepest darkest desire?Sam: She isn’t?Dean: No! She can’t be!Sam: Why not?Dean: Why? Because if she is that means that I’m…Sam: Means you’re what? Complicit? Weak? Evil?Dean: For starters, yeahSam: Dean. Do you honestly think you ever had a choice in the matter? She’s the sister of God, and for some reason she picked you and that sucks, but if you think I’m gonna blame you or judge you…I’m not.Dean: You know that I want her ass deadSam: Yes. Of course. And I know you’ve also probably beaten yourself up a hundred times over it, but where has that gotten us? (Long silence) Just how bad is it?Dean: Standing here right now, every bone in my body wants to run her through. Send her back to that hole she crawled out of. But when I’m near her, I don’t know. Something happens and I can’t explain it, but to call it desire or love…it’s not that. I’m screwed man. We wanna kill the darkness. We need to kill the darkness. And I don’t think I can. I’m sorry to do that to you, ya know, but when it comes right down to it…

He’d still been working through this when he talked to Cas(ifer) about this in 11.11, but he was working his way to this exact point. It had very little to do with anger.

Sure, anger was effectively Amara’s baseline motivation for revenge against Chuck, and her tool to do that was effectively “destroy what Chuck created,” which is an effective way to act out anger, you know? But I think that anger would’ve found a far more fertile breeding ground in Sam than it did in Dean.

I mean, just think back over the last few years to the outbursts that look like anger on the surface for Dean, and honestly, they have ZERO to do with RAGE. They’re frustration, grief, defeat… like punching the sign in 13.01, like yelling about how he should’ve stayed behind in the AU if they had no way to get back there and save Mary and Jack in 13.18. The only time I felt like one of Dean’s outbursts could be described as “angry” rather than “frustrated” or “grieving” or “defeated” was in 13.03 when he yelled in Sam’s face about Cas. And there was still that well of grief there pushing him to that outburst.

Honestly, I think a fairer comparison to how they each would’ve dealt with the Mark isn’t tapping in to their emotions, but how well they compartmentalize in the face of possession. For example how long Dean casually managed to keep Michael locked in his brain fridge in s14. Michael only escaped because Dean was literally knocked unconscious. This notion that Dean lacks control of his own temper I think just seems far more pronounced in him because it’s so rare for him. It’s… not rare for Sam.

Like I said in the previous post, Sam’s rage was a major plot point for years. It fueled s4, it fueled s5, it fueled Sam’s half of the s9 and s10 story.

I think the main difference between Sam’s anger and Dean’s anger is that Sam’s tends to simmer cold, while Dean’s just boils over with heat on rare occasions, making them seem that much more out-of-character, or startling.

I don’t see it as Sam better able to control his rage than Dean, I see it as different ways of expressing said anger, because they are different people with different personalities, you know?

Sam’s just as capable of lashing out in anger as Dean, but it tends to look different when it happens. Dean just lets himself have his little outbursts before he gets to the point where he breaks from it. Sam… when Sam bursts like that, it feels more shocking, because he typically expresses his anger differently. Like when Sam punched Dean in 14.12, for example, people were SHOCKED. I read so many “wow that was out of character” posts I was honestly baffled by the fandom’s reaction to this. Because that punch was pure frustration and grief, and it’s just about the most emotion Sam’s let himself express in a long time.

I know I keep defaulting to talking about s4 and s5 here, but I’m watching 5.02 in the background while I’m typing this, so these seasons are what’s currently freshest in my mind right now. 

The wraith in 5.10:

SAM: You did this to me!WRAITH: Well, I helped. But that rage? No, no, no. That’s all you. (stands, walks to the side of the bed) I don’t make crazy. I just crank up what’s already there.

The show has always, always paralleled Sam’s rage with Dean’s fear. The thing is, how they each express these underlying feelings. So, no, I really, really don’t think Sam would be better at controlling that rage under the effect of the Mark than Dean was.

and this entire post is just undercaffeinated rambling at this point, so I really don’t know what more I can say without going incident by incident through the entire series documenting the vastly different nature of Sam and Dean’s anger, and their respective outbursts. Their anger just… manifests differently, because again, they are different people with differing personalities. Sam’s anger tends to come out “cold,” and Dean’s tends to boil over more loudly. And Amara/the Mark was nothing if not cold and patient rage, you know?

Sam has traditionally gotten angry and run away, as if isolating himself from the problem could fix things. In the past, he would’ve sooner walled off the vast majority of his life to pretend at being normal that he would face it. I don’t know if I’d classify that as “having more control” of his anger. He’s just got different outlets in general than Dean does. Dean just yells, gets it out of his system, and then moves on. Sam… can’t seem to do that. Or at least he hadn’t been able to do that for the vast majority of canon.

Someone wrote an excellent piece years ago about Sam’s Rage vs Dean’s Fear, and I guess it’s stuck with me. But when a character’s primary motivation, his primary driving force through years of character development is a baseline simmering rage, I have a REALLY hard time feeling like he would’ve had more “control” over a possessing entity that literally fed on that sort of feeling.

Amara found BALANCE through her relationship with Dean. I don’t think she could’ve found that with Sam. I think that entire storyline only worked because it was Dean, and not Sam. Because Dean recognized this as something being done TO him, rather than just a manifestation of himself. (Yes, at first he thought it was a curse, and that it was his own inner “monstrousness” coming out, but it ALWAYS felt foreign to him, something he couldn’t truly identify or relate to, because it was literally not his own. And Sam would’ve had a lot more difficulty making that distinction, I think.)

As I’ve typed this up, I do realize that viewers see different things in each of these characters. We identify with them differently, based on our own experiences, and since I mostly identify with and feel like I understand Dean better than Sam, I think I’m probably looking at this from a different angle than you are. I, for example, see Sam REPEATEDLY losing his shit to his rage throughout the entire series. He gives in to it far more readily than Dean has over the years, but it tends to be less “explosive” as you said. But it motivates his entire character in ways it never, ever has for Dean. And I think Amara/the Mark would’ve eaten him alive because of it. Because she was the Mark, and she was motivated by the same cold, simmering rage.

#sam sympathizes and dean empathizes #Anonymous

[swanqueeneverafter]

Distance Is Overrated.

Part of the ‘Between The Pages’ series. Set between 'The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter' and 'True North'.

Having killed for the first time since becoming a mother, Regina is keeping Emma at arms length. Confused by her behaviour, Emma is nevertheless determined to do her job as Deputy and find out the truth behind Graham's death.

Storybrooke. Graveyard. (Mourners have gathered to pay their last respects to Graham, the town sheriff. Rain falls as Mary Margaret gives the eulogy beside the grave.) Mary Margaret: "Sheriff Graham was a kind, brave man. Even though clearly fighting his own demons, Graham served the people of this town with compassion and respect. We will all miss you dearly and hope that wherever you are, you have finally found peace." (Mary Margaret lays a rose upon the casket and steps aside. With a nod from Mayor Mills, the pallbearers begin lowering the casket into the ground as the other mourners slowly disperse. From across the way, Emma Swan watches Regina give Henry a gentle squeeze of his shoulder. Locking eyes momentarily, Deputy Swan and Mayor Mills stare at one another silently before Regina turns and walks away, with an arm around her son.)

Mills House. Night. (Pulling up outside the Mayor's mansion, Emma stares up at the well-lit building before exiting her car and walking down the long path towards the door. Determined to talk with Regina, Emma is about to press the doorbell when her phone rings. Frowning slightly when she sees the name calling her, Emma steps back from the porch and answers.) Emma: "Regina, I was just-" Regina: "What are you doing here, Deputy?" Emma: (Caught off guard by Regina's use of her title:) "I-I just wanted to talk. Do you think maybe I could-" Regina: "I think I've made my position perfectly clear, Miss Swan. Now, if you'd like to discuss anything work related, it can surely wait until morning." Emma: "Seriously? (Walking away from the house to look up at a brightly lit window, at which Regina is standing:) You're still pissed at me? Regina, I was only doing my job." Regina: "And as Graham's friend, I told you that ordering an autopsy would be going against his wishes, his religion." Emma: "Yeah and I respect that. Which is why I ordered the blood tests rather than a full autopsy. I thought you of all people would want me to do my job properly?" Regina: "Graham's family has a history of heart trouble. You saw as much from Dr. Whale's report." Emma: "His preliminary report. If Graham really had a heart attack then the blood tests will confirm that. I'm only doing what any sheriff worth a damn would do. (There is a long silence:) Regina?" Regina: "You're not sheriff yet, Deputy." (Before Emma can reply, Regina hangs up the phone and turns off the hallway light. Her jaw agape, Emma stares up at the Mayor's silhouette before turning on her heel and walking away.)

Storybrooke. Granny's Diner. (Seated in a quiet corner of the diner, Emma wears a scowl on her face while watching Regina, who is reading the newspaper at her own table by the window. Averting her gaze briefly when Regina lowers the paper to speak with Ruby, Emma watches their interaction closely. Finding herself slightly annoyed by the friendly conversation, Emma is slow to react when, laughing, Ruby makes eye contact and starts moving towards her table.) Ruby: "Drink, Emma?" Emma: "Oh, well I'm supposed to be-" Ruby: "Working. I know. (Glances back at Regina:) Did you two have a fight?" Emma: (Scoffs:) "Where have you been?" Ruby: (Rolls her eyes:) "You know what I mean. A 'fight' fight?" Emma: "What are you talking about?" Ruby: "Emma, come on. I know about you two." Emma: (Slightly panicked:) "You do?" Ruby: "Hey, it's okay. I can keep a secret." Emma: "But how did you-" Ruby: (Shrugs:) "When you're in my line of work, you learn to read the signs. Plus you two were totally flirting with each other that day you spilled your cocoa over yourself. So, what was it, couldn't decide who would be the little spoon?" Emma: (Smirks, despite herself:) "She's angry with me for doing my job." Ruby: (Knowingly:) "Ah." Emma: "What?" Ruby: "Nothing. Just that Regina doesn't really like change. For better or worse, Graham would usually listen to her advice on police matters." Emma: "Yeah and he grew to resent her for it. Trust me, things will work better if the sheriff's office doesn't have to run everything by the Mayor." Ruby: "Hm, maybe. I just wouldn't expect Regina to come around to your way of thinking just yet. (Catching the look on Emma's face:) But don't give up. (Points discreetly towards the counter:) When Regina first started coming here, she would only ever sit in one spot. It took me a long time to convince her that the table by the window was better. (Winks:) Cocoa with cinnamon, right?" (Emma nods and Ruby goes to fetch her order. Resuming her one-sided staring contest with Regina, Emma jumps when Ruby quickly returns and places her cocoa on the table before her.) Ruby: "By the way, with Regina, giving her space is not the way to go. Never stop trying. It may take awhile, but I get the feeling she’s worth the effort." (Walking away, Ruby notices a small smile cross Emma's lips before taking a sip of her cocoa.)

Mayor's Office. (Regina sits working behind her desk when her phone rings. After the third ring, she sighs and glances over. Upon seeing Emma's name displayed, Regina reaches for the phone and picks it up. Smiling to herself, Regina allows the phone to ring three more times before finally answering.) Regina: "Yes, Miss Swan?" Emma: "Regina, hey. How's it going?" Regina: "I'm fine, thank you. Yourself?" Emma: "Yeah I'm... I'm pretty good." Regina: (After an awkward silence:) "Was there something you needed?" Emma: "Oh. Er, yeah. I just wanted to check and see how things were going and whether you wanted to join me for lunch? I kinda skipped breakfast." Regina: "I see. (Pause:) Missing meals isn't advisable, Miss Swan. Especially with a high pressure job like yours." Emma: "Yeah, I know. I guess I just wanted to make a start on the files here. Graham's filing system was pretty antiquated, so I've been entering old cases onto the computer." Regina: "Fascinating." Emma: (Ignoring the tone in Regina's voice, brightly:) "Yeah and I've made a lot of progress too. Wanna see?" Regina: "That won't be necessary Miss- (Regina receives a text message and opens it to see a photo of Emma's desk piled high with case files:) I’m impressed." Emma: "Mmhmm, but now the lack of food is really starting to get to me and I thought you might like to-" Regina: "I'm sorry, Miss Swan, I can't. You're not the only one with things piled high on her desk." Emma: "Really? That doesn't sound like you, Madam Mayor. (As Emma speaks, Regina looks down at her own desk which is clear save for one already completed document:) Tell you what, why don't I pick us up something from Granny's and bring it over to your office?" Regina: "No, really my-" Emma: (Cutting in:) "Regina. Why won't you talk to me? What happened with Graham... It wasn't our fault. (Silence:) We did nothing wrong. (Again, silence:) Look, the whole point of pretending to be at each other's throats was to get Graham off our backs and now that he's gone... I just feel like you're blaming me for some reason." Regina: (Quickly:) "I'm not." Emma: "Okay. Well that's something I guess. So why don't you let me come over and we can have lunch together? (Silence:) I..." Regina: "Yes, Miss Swan?" Emma: (Sighs:) "I miss you." Regina: (Smiling at this:) "I miss you too, Emma." Emma: "So I can come over?" Regina: (A long pause:) "I'll have a kale salad." Emma: (Laughs:) "With extra fries, right?" (Emma hangs up and grabs her keys, smiling. Just as she's about to leave, she bumps into Henry who has appeared beside her.) Henry: (Smiling impishly:) "I could go for some fries." (At that moment, Emma receives a text. Looking at her phone, she sees a photo of Regina bent seductively over her desk. Letting out a whimper, Emma reluctantly looks up from her phone over to Henry who is now waiting for her expectantly.)

Storybrooke General Hospital. (Emma stands talking with Dr. Whale when Regina enters the room.) Regina: "I thought I might find you here." Emma: "Yeah, Whale called me. (To Whale:) You called Regina?" Regina: (Cutting in:) "Of course he did. I was Graham's emergency contact." Emma: "Of course you were." Dr. Whale: "Would you ladies like a minute alone?" Regina: "No, that won't be necessary. God knows Miss Swan can't handle being alone with me." Emma: "Hey, I told you why I couldn't come to your office-" Dr. Whale: (Clearing his throat:) "Ladies! I do have patients to see." Regina: "Fine. Where's Graham's test results?" Dr. Whale: "Well..." Emma: "I've got them. Dr. Whale and I were just discussing what I should be looking for when I open them." Regina: (To Whale:) "You haven't read them?" Emma: "I requested the results be for my eyes only." Regina: (Icily:) "I see." Emma: (To Whale:) "If I have any questions-" Dr. Whale: "You have my number. Now, if you'll excuse me." (Dr. Whale leaves.) Emma: (Awkwardly:) "So... do you want to open them together or-" Regina: "No, thank you. I wouldn't want to get in the way of you doing your job." Emma: (When Regina turns to leave:) "Regina. I'm sorry about yesterday. I was coming to see you and then-" Regina: "Henry was there. Yes, you mentioned that. It's funny, he used to sneak out of school and visit me for lunch. I guess now I know where I stand." Emma: "Regina..." Regina: (Walking away:) "I'll expect your finished report on my desk by tonight, Deputy."

Sheriff's Office. (Entering her office, Emma tosses the test results on her desk before taking a seat behind it. Ripping open the seal, Emma pulls out the pages from the file and begins to read. A short time later, brow furrowed, Emma reaches for the phone and begins to dial.) Emma: "Hello, Dr. Whale? It’s Emma. Do you have time to answer a few questions for me? Great." Mayor's Office. (The case file lands on the desk in front of Regina.) Emma: "There it is." Regina: "And you're ready for me to see it. (Cautiously:) Are you sure?" Emma: "It's all there in black and white. Whale confirmed it, talked me through all the science." Regina: (Stands, turning to face the window:) "And the verdict?" Emma: "Natural causes. As predicted." Regina: (Lets out a sigh of relief:) "Really?"

Emma: (As Regina turns to face her, shrugs:) "Underlying genetic heart condition. Nothing that could've been done to save him.” Regina: "I see." Emma: "I hope... (Breathes:) I hope the same can't be said for us?" Regina: (Considers her:) "I'd like to think so." (Looks down for a moment a small smile on her lips.) Emma: "I am sorry about standing you up before." Regina: "Oh, that's... that's all right." Emma: "Which is why the case file isn't the only thing I brought." Regina: "Oh?" Emma: (Motions toward the file:) "I brought you lunch, too." (Giving Emma a confused smile, Regina looks down and opens the file cover. Watching her closely, Emma sees a fire ignite behind the older woman's eyes.) Regina: (Her mouth suddenly dry:) "Have... have I ever mentioned how adorable I find you in that hat?" Emma: (Smirks, moving closer:) "No." Regina: "Or...or how that jacket brings out the colour of your eyes?" Emma: (Stands before her:) "I think I'd remember that." Regina: "Hm. (Looking down once more:) Well, Miss Swan, I don't know how much nutritional value these have... (Reaching down:) But they're very much appreciated." (Regina holds up a pair of black panties, now dangling from her finger.) Emma: "You're welcome." Regina: (Letting the underwear slip from her finger back onto the desk:) "You know, I had considered skipping lunch." Emma: "Oh, but you can't do that." Regina: "I know. Especially now that I find myself much hungrier than I've been in a long time." Emma: (Knowingly:) "Ravenous." (Closing the distance between them, Regina kisses Emma fervently, as the Deputy pulls her in closer. Suddenly their hands are everywhere, Emma pinning Regina's arms to her sides by her jacket as she trails kisses down the mayor's body. Shrugging her arms free and perching herself on the edge of her desk, Regina pulls her shirt over her head in one motion while Emma sinks to her knees. Laying kisses on her the mayor’s stomach, Emma's hands frantically push Regina's skirt up around her hips, placing a kiss between the brunette's thighs before ripping the mayor's panties from her body.) Regina: (Her head thrown back:) "Oh god." (Tossing Emma's beanie aside, Regina runs her hands through the blonde's hair. Before Emma's tongue has a chance to delve deeper however, Regina pulls her to her feet so that they are kissing once more. Unbuckling the Deputy's jeans, Regina slides her hand inside to confirm both Emma's lack of underwear and her undeniable arousal.) Regina: "My god, Emma, you're so-" Emma: "I know." (Growling low in her throat, Regina grabs Emma by the hips and spins her around, pushing her back onto the desk and pulling the jeans down and off the blonde woman's legs. Reaching back momentarily to unzip her skirt, Regina allows it to pool at the floor. Stepping out of it, Regina begins to crawl between Emma's widely spread legs. Allowing herself a quick taste, Regina's moans mingle with Emma's. Moving further up the body beneath her, Regina growls in frustration at the sight of Emma's turtleneck. Grabbing the letter opener on her desk, Emma has barely a moment to register it before Regina slices through the offending garment in one motion.) Emma: "Fuck, that was so hot." Regina: (Practically purring, echoing Emma:) "Mm, I know." (Moving to straddle Emma's hips, they both moan again as Regina lowers herself onto Emma's lap. But, as soon as Emma's hands reach up to squeeze the mayor's luscious ass, Regina suddenly stiffens.) Emma: "What is it?" Regina: (Looking over her shoulder:) "Did you lock the door?" Emma: (Wincing:) "Um, no?" (Before Emma can stop her, Regina, clad only in her bra, jumps from the desk and runs for the door, sliding to a stop before turning the key.) Emma: (Sitting up on the desk, chuckling:) "You are the only person I know who'd-" Regina: (With a finger to her lips:) "Shh!" (Emma glares at her but remains quiet. Almost as if on cue, the sound of the janitor's cart is heard approaching. At the sound of Leroy reaching for his keys, Regina keeps her hand firmly on the lock. After several moments of trying to enter, Leroy gives up and moves away from the door.) Regina: (Sighs in relief:) "That was too close." Emma: (Suddenly behind her:) "You can say that again. (Slices Regina's bra from her body with the letter opener:) There. Much better." (Turning to see that they are now both completely naked, Regina reaches for Emma once more. Lifting the brunette into her arms, and feeling Regina's legs wrap around her, Emma immediately realises something.) Emma: "We're not gonna make it to the desk." Regina: (Grabbing Emma by the hair, pulling her in for a breath-stealing kiss:) "Take me. Anywhere. Now." (Not needing to be told twice, Emma quickly looks around and finds her target: the couch. Moving hurriedly on unsteady, shaking legs, Emma somehow manages to maneuver them over and onto the couch, but not before bumping into the drinks table, which in turn knocks over the one remaining light in the room, plunging the office into darkness...)

The End.

#sq #swanqueen #swan queen

[until-theend-oftheline]

Kari’s Tom Hardy Writing Challenge

Since I am not hosting a quickie challenge this month I decided to try and do something different. This challenge is dedicated to the awesomeness that’s Tom Hardy. I picked a few of my favorite characters of his you can choose to write for - or you can do a rpf. If that sounds like something you might find fun - keep reading :D

Due Date: April 2nd (don’t worry about timezone. As long as it’s the 2nd somewhere it counts.)

Word min: 500 words

Word Max: 5k words

Style: It can be a drabble, one shot or beginning of a series. Do not put in in the middle of an ongoing series since I plan on reading them and don’t want to read 10 parts of something to understand the entry. If you create a series only part one has to be posted before the due date.

Fandom: Tom Hardy

Will you read and reblog my fic?

You betcha :D I am behind on reading for previous challenges so patience is a virtue here

When Do I Post?

Right now. Sign Ups start now and ends when there are no more prompts or when the due date rolls around

Genre: Anything you want. You have to be over 18 if you write smut and you always have to warn accordingly! Fluff, angst, AUs and crack are all welcome. I prefer none AUs - so fics that take place in the cinematic universe the character you choose is from. I don’t wanna limit you here though so if AU is what floats your boat, make it AU.

Limits on what you can write: No Mommy/daddy kinks, no non/dub con, no A/B/O, no merpeople. No underage. No incest or selfcest. No half animal anything please. No glorification on cheating(it’s okay as a plot device but use it with thought), no wife, s/o (even exes) or actor hate in rpfs! No monster or tentacle porn in Eddie Brock and/or Venom fics - if you got any questions at any time feel free to send me an ask,

Format: State in your A/N that it is for my (until-theend-oftheline) Kari’s Tom Hardy Challenge. And use the # Kari’s Tom Hardy Challenge in the first 5 tags.

Pairing and word count also have to be easy to spot in your header!

Submit: After you posted on tumblr you have to add yourself and your fic to this doc.  If you don’t do this you will not be added to the masterlist I create when the challenge is over. If you got questions - just ask :D

Doc link it case tumblr is an ass: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Y_FzXxeqyJZI7bPvv4KLzJlok_jq47DZHeLyUVr_AcQ/edit?usp=sharing

How do I join?

You pick a quote (all are something either Tom or one of his characters said) and a pairing off the list. Send me the prompt number along with a backup just in case and your pairing of choice. ASKS ONLY!! REPLIES, REBLOGS AND IMS WILL BE IGNORED!

There are no limits on the pairings but I only allow 1 person per prompt so think before you sign up. If you don’t think you will be doing it then don’t take the spot from someone else. For now 1 person can sign up 2 times (one prompt per story).

All pairings must be x reader or OC or general fics:

Tom Hardy (rpf)

Reggie Kray

Alfie Solomons

James Delaney

Eddie Brock (you can use venom but no monster porn!)

Max

Forrest Bondurant

Eames

Prompts:

1 “That’s simple really. I just left him in a hole. The rest is history.” @erak-w (Alfie Solomons) 

2 “What on earth are you on about?” @thatfanficstuff (Alfie Solomons)

3 “I’m singing right now on the inside. I’m dancing as well a little bit.” @marvelgirl7 (Eddie Brock)

4 “I like dogs more than people. Apart from the select few who I see as dogs.”

5 “Yes I was. Actually yes I was. Yes. Yeah. I can’t say anything about that.”

6 “I had no idea what we were doing. But I know it was awesome.”

7 “Put that in the swag pile”

8 “It’s quite hard to be Taboo when you got your hands tied. But it shouldn’t be. Paradoxically.”

9 “I’m gonna drink from a very small cup”

10 “We know it’s a drama cause I got my arse out”

11 “He’ll wake up. Granted he won’t have any teeth but he’ll be a wiser man for it” @queen-of-the-avengers (Tom Hardy)

12 “Who fights by the sword fucking dies by it”

13 “You can leave if you need to go to the little boys room or something” @seeingthestarsmakesmedream (Eddie Brock)

14 “Intelligence is a very valuable thing innit my friend? Usually it comes far too late.”

15 “There we must go we who wander this Wasteland, in search of our better selves.”

16 Hope is a mistake. If you can’t fix what’s broken you go insane”

17 “I tell myself they can’t touch me. They are long dead” @docharleythegeekqueen  (Eddie Brock)

18 “It’s not the violence that sets men apart. It’s the distance he is willing to go”

19 “We are survivors. We control our fear. Without fear we are as good as dead”

20 “We lay down for nobody”

21 “Patience doesn’t get you what you want”

22 “I’m not being funny here but the thought of you mom answering that door is a bit shocking so...”

23 “You want me to deliver it? I ain't going for that door”

25 “Nonono let him in. He’s only little”

26 “You musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger darling”

27 “You’re still working with that stick in the mud”

28 “Your condescension is as always much appreciated. Thank you.”

29 “Arrgh! Who said that?”

30 “Again? You’re gonna get me killed”

31 “No! We do not eat policemen”

32 “Don’t go around the back of the telly without you mom and dad watching you or touch any wires or look for a door”

33 “Making the effort to be good is really really important. But being yourself is more important.” @sillesworldofwriting (Eddie Brock)

34 “Leave me or take me. I’m a bag of twiglets. What’s up?!”

35 “She seems like the princess. In a nice way”

36 “Love all things unless it’s coming at you mate. In which case despatch it with the love.”

37 “I’m not really good with heights” @queen-of-the-avengers (Eddie Brock)

38 “I have a parasite”

39 “This is dead. Dead!” @becs-bunker (Eddie Brock)

40 “It’s a term of endearment” @until-theend-oftheline (Eddie Brock)

Challenge tags

@ifyougetkilled-walk-it-off @captain-rogers-beard @dolphinpink310 @grace-for-sale @docharleythegeekqueen @rebelslicious @thorne93 @hillywooddestiel @peterman-parker @queen-of-deans-booty @acreativelydifferentlove @emilyevanston @blacktithe7 @becs-bunker @roxyspearing @blacktithe7 @cassiefanfic @readitandweepfics @kayla-of-shield @fangirlextraordinaire @thatfanficstuff @danijimenezv @hopes-archer @marvelentertainment_madam08 @averyrogers83 @thelookingglassalice @slowlywithfreedom

#tom hardy #tom hardy writing challenge #kari's tom hardy challenge

[love-killed-the-superstar]

i know i only started on it yesterday and im drowning in deadlines but this is a fun thing im doing on my breaks so why not

Title: Running Pairing: Bismuth/Pearl // bispearl Summary: Pearl is known for making bad decisions, but she's pretty sure stealing Bismuth's bubble from the temple and dropping off the face of the Earth is one of the worst so far. (Bispearl gem egg hell, canon divergent as of Tiger Philanthropist.)

AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10169399/chapters/22590626

Pearl should have known a private rendezvous in the forge after hours with Bismuth would be a mistake.

How could she have allowed such a thing to happen? She was always so careful during the rebellion, always making sure that there was no possibility of heat interfering with her emotions when she would lie with Rose, or Bismuth, or anyone else (not that there had been many; she had maintained until the end that her metaphysical heart belonged to Rose and that would not change). She was always so careful not to become a liability to the Crystal Gems, but now it seemed at the worst time, her gem was behaving strangely.

There was a near constant pounding, her body was constantly fluctuating in temperature, and she knew her scent was lingering. Amethyst had teased her about it just a day ago. (“Geez, Pearl, I know you're not getting any but seriously, take care of it already!” Much to her mortification, Amethyst was mistaking it for her heat cycle.) It was still a better alternative than the gems learning of the nature of her condition. She wasn't sure how Garnet would react, given how she had refused to speak about Bismuth's bubbling since it had happened. But Pearl knew eventually there would be no choice.

Earlier that day she had taken Steven and Connie to the Buddwick library, and returned with a collection of books. Hidden in between books on neuroscience and British history (which, when asked about by Steven, she had feigned an interest in picking apart their alternative views of history) was a singular book on human pregnancy. It was humiliating that she was having to resort to a book that only vaguely mirrored her own gestation period, but the few books on Era 1 reproduction that had been left behind on Earth after the rebellion were so badly damaged that they were falling apart in her hands, and the terminology was so archaic, even by her standards as the oldest Crystal Gem on Earth, that she couldn't understand a lot of what the ancient gem writings were talking about.

So here she was, casually sitting on Steven's couch, reading through a pregnancy book and trying hard to convince herself that she was overreacting. So maybe this overpowering scent really was her heat cycle! Maybe these hardened shapes she could feel moving around inside her weren't geodes at all, but some old food from centuries ago that she had never managed to digest? It would explain how nauseous she was feeling all of the time...

The more she thought about it, the more she trembled with the knowledge of her condition. How could she kid herself like this? She knew perfectly well what her and Bismuth had done, and she also knew that there was no hiding it from Garnet or Amethyst. Despite this, it seemed Steven was the only one who had noticed how sickly she had been in the past week or two. He spent a lot more time in the house than the other two, and surely he had seen Pearl running into his bathroom at one point or another to retch and gag and spit into his sink, only for nothing to come up.

“Pearl, are you feeling okay?” As if on cue, his voice rang out and whisked her away from this spiral of worry. He and Connie were stood expectantly in front of her and she quickly snapped the book shut, turning it blurb side up to hide the nature of the book from them.

“Oh! Steven, Connie! I didn't... were you trying to talk to me? I'm sorry, I was reading...”

“I was just, um, wishing you a good evening,” Connie said, worry and confusion evident on her face. “We called you at least four times. Is there something on your mind?”

“Not at all,” Pearl said quickly, jumping to her feet and clapping her hands together. “Not at all. I'm sorry about that, Connie. Are you leaving now?”

“Yeah, my mom's here to pick me up. Are you sure you're okay?”

“I'm fine, Connie,” Pearl said steadily, with an abundance of confidence she didn't currently possess. “Go on, now. And tell your mother we said hello.”

With a bow of her head, Connie turned to give Steven a hug and then made her way out the door. As soon as it shut, Steven turned to Pearl.

“What's really going on?” he asked with a frown. “You aren't just spacey, Pearl, I've seen you using the bathroom more, I've heard you throwing up in there. Are you sick? Can gems... even get sick?”

“Oh, Steven, it's really nothing!” Pearl assured him desperately. “I've just had a lot on my mind lately, what with all that's happened. But I assure you, I'm all right.”

“But you're sick, why won't you just tell me what's happening?” Steven pleaded. “We're family! We're supposed to tell each other this stuff!”

“I know,” Pearl sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I know we tell each other everything, Steven. I'm fine, really. I... can I just ask you not to tell Garnet and Amethyst about this? At least for now. I suppose you'll all have to know eventually but, there's something I need to do on my own first.”

“You're scaring me,” Steven admitted, watching her with big eyes, and she felt her throat tighten.

“I'm fine,” she said sharply, heading back towards the temple. “Please give me some space, Steven.”

…

Oh, she was absolutely not fine!

She knew that the changes to her light-composed form during this pregnancy would be drastic but she never anticipated feeling so restless. It took Pearl all her strength not to scream. She'd left the book between the couch cushions but she couldn't risk retrieving it without making Steven suspicious, so she had been attempting to meditate the discomfort away. But every light particle in her body was itching to go to her. To Bismuth's bubble.

Frantically, she reached into her gem and pulled out a bound collection of books and documents she had recently gathered, groaning with the strain it put on her gemstone. A book from Rose's armoury, an artefact believed to bring fertility from the sky spire, a document she had taken from the lunar sea spire long before its collapse and stashed in her own collection, among many others. The pieces were so few and far between that she couldn't build a full picture on what should happen to her, but stars knew she was going to try.

“Let's see here.” She picked up the statue and hurriedly read the ancient gem scripture carved into the base. “Two gems shall become one... one must bear the burden of gem incubation while the other protects... at any cost the gems must be born into the new world...”

Useless, almost a prophecy. Telling naughty gems just what would happen to them if they dared to step out of the strict guidelines of Era 1 reproduction. She placed it down atop her fountain once more, disappointed, before flicking through badly damaged pages of the book.

An expectant (dame) gem will soon know she is chosen. It is the job of her sire (the donor gem) to [illegible] in order for her to carry all young gems to full incubation. She will experience strong [illegible, scribbled out in some parts] due to the pull of her sire's presence. It will be [such an archaic term even Pearl couldn't understand] and will last for the duration of the incubation, although will lessen over time.

“It doesn't help,” she groaned desperately. She glanced in the direction of the bubble room, mouth dry. Garnet would notice. Garnet would know, oh, she would know the moment Pearl went for that bubble... she couldn't. She couldn't!

She shut her eyes tight.

“The Pearl I know never jumps into my arms!”

Pearl hugged herself tightly and took a deep breath, trying and failing to ground herself. Bismuth was unattainable right now. How she wished she had always greeted her like that, swept her up in her arms. A familiar presence she feared she would never feel again, only to have it cruelly ripped away... it hurt. And it hurt even more knowing that the gem she had once loved could be behind it all.

Once. My, she really had taken a step forward, hadn't she?

“Bismuth,” she moaned, lying down on her side, fighting off the urge to tear through the temple. “Bismuth.”

All she wanted was to be around her. Was that too much to ask? Could Garnet really keep her away? How could they call themselves Crystal Gems while one of their own was bubbled away for wanting to win the war? They had lost everyone and then she had come back. And now her and Pearl were more entwined than ever, bound by something so powerful her own judgement was becoming disoriented as a result.

She stood up.

“Pearl.” Bismuth barely managed to get out her name before Pearl kissed her with desperation, need after thousands of years without. After a beat, Bismuth reciprocated, and Pearl found herself being sat on Bismuth's work bench, their bodies crushed up against one another.

“You trust me, don't you?” Bismuth asked, almost pleadingly. At the time, Pearl didn't understand.

“Of course I do! With my life. I will never doubt you.”

She tried to stop herself, again, as she found herself in Amethyst's room, desperately searching for a puddle, not just any puddle, the puddle. She only hoped that Amethyst hadn't seen her looking. She held onto a protruding crystal in vain, and shakily tried to stop herself.

“All I want to do is be with you again,” Bismuth breathed between kisses. “I want to hold you in my arms again and be there. I don't want to be second best to Rose anymore.”

Again, Pearl still didn't understand. If she did, maybe they could have sorted things out sooner.

“Bismuth, she's gone. I, I've taken so long to get used to it, but right now all I want is to be with you too.”

“You wanna get down to bismuth?” Bismuth chuckled dryly at her own joke, before kissing Pearl again.

“I... Bismuth, that's a lot to ask.” Pearl stopped kissing and stared at her, heat rising in her cheeks. “I don't know what to say.”

The puddle, the puddle! She dove through it without even thinking of the bubbles she could potentially burst in the process. She fell straight through, hitting the ground with force, and lay there winded for a few moments, staring up at the colours all around. All of these gems were gems that could have been saved... if only Rose had told her...

“You don't have to,” Bismuth promised, cupping her cheeks. “I don't care if we don't mash it up, I just want to be with you a little longer. That's all, honest!”

“I believe you,” Pearl murmured, pressing a kiss to her nose. “I do. I, I was just surprised. I want all of you.”

Bismuth's face broke out into a smile that could have blinded even the diamonds. “You're something else, Pearl. I... I love you for that.”

“Pearl, what are you doing?!”

When Pearl came back to her senses, the door was closing behind her and Steven was sat up in bed, horrified.

“St-Steven. You're awake...”

“What are you doing, Pearl? That's, that's Bismuth's bubble!” he cried. She stared down shakily at her hands, holding onto the bubble containing Bismuth's gem. Seeing it there, knowing Bismuth had spent more time rusting in a bubble than she had out of it, and knowing this was the sire of the gems in her belly...

“I have to keep her,” she cried out, holding the bubble to her chest protectively. “Steven, I have to!”

“B-But we agreed to keep her bubbled,” he protested, jumping down onto the couch. The book Pearl had left earlier jolted, its corner poking out from beneath one of the cushions. “Pearl, Garnet said she needed time to cool off!”

“They've already forgotten her, but I haven't!” Pearl snarled, trembling violently. She could feel tears filling her eyes, stars, she just wanted to hold her again. “I'm not leaving her there any longer, Steven! She's coming with me!”

“But! But Pearl!” Steven's eyes darted around the room. “Garnet! Amethyst!”

“Don't!” Pearl cried. She stumbled onto the warp pad, amazed that her legs were carrying her at this point. “Just... you can't, Steven. I can't put her back.”

Steven opened his mouth to speak, and the warp activated.

Pearl was gone.

#steven universe #bispearl #pearlmuth #gem egg hell #bismuth x pearl #pearl x bismuth #writing