#im gonna go into a depressive episode

[jowasfounddead]

In all seriousness, if ao3 stays down for days, even weeks, because of those dumb fucking attackers, I’m gonna be extremely depressed and suicidal. I physically cannot live without ao3 👍

#ao3 fanfic #ao3 is down #ao3 #im gonna go into a depressive episode #I’m going to kill myself #sobbing violently #im also extremely grateful for the ao3 volunteers

[bigcatbulges]

Hey, real talk for a second, I'm considering not uploading anymore and only turning this is to a reblog only account because of the AI choices from Tumblr. I truthfully feel incredibly guilty that, even though I was crediting the artists and linking everything, I was still submitting their work to be used for AI thru Tumblr and that is not fair to the artists that worked incredibly hard on their art. I'm gonna try and do a bit more research before I make a final choice in the matter but I want to thank everyone for thier kindness the past couple of years and im grateful a small community spawned on discord!

I'll update this post when I think I've figured everything out and any artist out there please give me any advice on how you would handle this situation please! My options right now are to delete all the pictures I've uploaded or maybe nuke the blog entirely? I'm not sure but again, I'm grateful for everyone's kindness and I hope we can keep being kind together.

#im going thru a massive depressive episode so im gonna try and think rationally but right now my brain just says delete everything #i already quit the discord a few days ago when i was having an episode but now i really feel ive done more harm than good here #idk its not my art and that's always been the rule so im gonna go thru a bunch of artists pages and see if they have any advice

[altruistic-meme]

hey ouhhh does anyone have knowledge about trans binding tape that they could impart on me

#im gonna be doing research probably this weekend but like #also actually talking i people with experience is helpful #i know by little rn but im thinking of could be a much better alternative for me vs a binder #bc i have breathing issues and so i camt really..... wear my binder much if at all most of the time #which ~sucks~ #and im scared of reddit bc the last time i actually took to reddit for some help with an issue #i was told that my depression wasnt 'real enough' and was told off bc my depressive episodes werent 'long enough to be a problem' ????? #bc i was asking about medication for depression 🙃 #so im not keen on actually going back to reddit #but yeah help ;;;; #trans #transmasc #shh ac

[bulkhummus]

i slept really good last night :o)

#i conked before 1 am which is such a rarity these days #i wish i felt good today i would be unstoppable #my tummy hurts so bad and idk what i did to it to treat me this way #i woke up at 6 am in pain and then forced myself back asleep hoping itd go away and then woke up 2 hours later with the same pain :o( #im thinking i might actually be allergic to red dye < so im gonna keep a look out but #o7 < me looking out #bc idk what else it could have been i didnt reallt eay much yesterday bc my tummy hurt too #i unno but i hope i can do some drawing today i had to play life catch up yesterday and battle the depression #im gonna list the good stuff from yesterday for myself now while im sitting on my bathroom floor lol #i bought kimchi my supermarket hasnt had in a while which wahoo! #i out clean sheets on my bed #i finished a commission #i cleaned my room #finished a dndads episode #took a nice shower #spoke on the phone with some friends and made plans with coworkers/friends #missing everyone who is far from me terribly which is part of the depression im sure #anyways those are ally my updates i did sleep really good even though i woke up early and thats the good thing #and if u made it this far #i love u an hope u have a good day :3 #personal

[hella1975]

the harsher parts of mental illness are always treated so so badly in media and it's genuinely very special to see someone handling them gently - especially because you've said it's very personal for you and that makes it so much easier to like? live in i suppose? because like you said the guilt can be overwhelming and the crushing weight of knowing KNOWING that you're one bad day away from wrecking an important relationship just out of pure FEAR can be so debilitating to live with especially bc people do fundamentally view that as just. a bitch response. knee jerk malice. but it's not half the time it's sheer fear (which doesn't excuse it but it does explain more) so it's nice to see that being treated like the actual complex response it is <3

yes omfg i need to stop getting surprised when taob winds up being incredibly cathartic for me bc i put a bit of myself in it and (shocker!) there are people like that who actually get it. like there are multiple people that to this day ACTIVELY dislike me because i not only said something bad to them but because i ON PURPOSE took the thing i knew would hurt them most and said it in the harshest way i possibly could. like that was a conscious effort on my part i went out of my way to think about what would hurt them and i just went for their jugular. but i wasn't doing it for the sake of meanness any more than i was doing it because they deserved it. like i said before there are two instances when i do this and that's as a defence mechanism or to self-destruct. i dont really do the former anymore - and that took YEARS to grow out of bc that was my Main Response to literally ANY conversation i didnt want to have. people are significantly less likely to ask you personal questions if you immediately try and make them cry when they do lol. this is where 90% of my 'i was a bitch in secondary school' posting comes from - but ironically the less i gave into the former the more it translated into the latter, so i lost either way and so did the people around me. i really dont think im that bad anymore bc i found ways around it and now i cant think off the top of my head anything even CLOSE to what i used to do that's happened recently, but i have YEARS OLD guilt from long dead friendships that i will - and deserve to - live with forever bc regardless of the reasoning behind it i still said terrible things. and like. it never gets talked about bc from an outside pov im very obviously being a complete cunt and who would want to sympathise with that

#like when i get a certain way my go to response to it nowadays is to isolate and typically that would be a bad thing #and a couple weeks ago actually boom noticed me doing it and naturally bc they're a good friend #they were worried and wanted to figure out a way around it bc isolating during a depressive episode is generally considered a Bad Call lol #but the reason i isolate is bc ive now learnt my own tells to figure out when my self-destructive behaviour is gonna start lashing out #like i literally remove myself from people now bc i KNOW if i dont regardless of if they're trying to help me #that dumb voice in my head is either gonna want to get them the fuck away #OR i'll want to like. 'prove' to them that im fundamentally this awful person and they're better off without me #and either way it doesnt end well for anyone involved #like the damage i deal myself by doing that is significantly higher than the damage i deal myself when i isolate #even if neither are particularly enjoyable #and it's got a twisted reassurance to it too like id rather hurt myself alone than take other people down with me #and i like to think that proves that - regardless of how rough around the egdes i am and the hurt ive caused - im actually a kind person #and like. that's what growing up is about! im learning coping mechanisms and ways around it! im getting better! #yes it's not perfect but by fucking god is it an improvement lol #ask #taob asks

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Being high energy while sick feels insane. Like my brain is telling me I should lay down and rest but is also telling me I should run around in circles and break things.

#i think im getting better tho. i mean i still can feel my warped sickyness but idk my hormones maybe have me all fucked up #but like i told my mum i get these insane little hypomanic-esque episodes and she was immediately like could b ur hormones #i know a number of ppl like that. and i was like YES. thats obviously what it is but nothing comes up when i try to google things abt it #so there must b others out there. and it also implies that theres sometimes fucked up about my serotonin receptors bc when im like kinda #positively disregard i feel happy and i never feel happy. my typical emotional state is indifferent and apathetic #and then dips into light misery and very miserable but not like clinically depressed. but i was even like that while on vacation so even #removed from the stresses in my life i still am not happy. which is y its so hard when ppl r like do what makes up happy. relax #and im like. ok but like nothing works??? its either fucked up hormones or my lantent anxiety just keeps me from being happy #but whatever. im gathering so much data. when i go see a doctor im gonna pull out a spreadsheet and graphs and notes like a lunatic #bwahhh i wanna run. i have too much energy. fuck being sick. fuck having to work on a day off. fuck this #also fuck my menstrual cycle for being so short. like so short its sometimes not listed with the healthy range but only sometimes #just to make me think. i should probably talk to a doctor but. like its probably fine. its consistent so its fine #annoying. annoying. got u can tell when out of wack bc i post too much and cant shut thr fuck up lol #unrelated

[raksh-writes]

Somehow, after months of not moving a muscle, I managed to get off my ass and do some light stretching + a whole damn abs routine too, that I still have no idea how I got through it, I remember it being hard on Normal day, and now my whole body is feeling this little workout and I'm like?? WHo are you?

Now to keep it going, tho...

#personal #Raksh posts #the anxiety and stress started creeping in #tho I have A FULL WEEK OFF with no classes nothing #so I was like - I might as well Try to get rid of that nibbling stress #and like damn this feels nice #also made me realize how out of shape I am :''') not that it's a surprise but still #gonna try and keep it up with at least like One thing a day #a couple of stretches or an exercise here and there so it's not just a one time thing (I Am prone to doing that) #tomorrow I have some logistics to maneuver around since Im going to the theater with a couple friends in the evening #and we're meeting earlier in the day for some drinks too bcs my last train is not late enough to go After the spectacle #but anyway I guess I'll try to do some stretches before noon and then figure out food before I go to the train station #damn maybe I can start getting myself back together #like I even started rereading my Voiles stuff - esp the BatB AU #and if I go back to writing it? goodness help me #I Know there are still people reading the ship but oh my god really?? #anyway I had to throw this out of myself I guess xD #Im still debating on making some pizza dough today and maybe making one to eat later hmmm #it's like - me making homemade pizza seems to always be a sign of getting out from some kind of slump/depressive episode #because I never have the energy or motivation when it's Bad but I Love pizza and actually enjoy making it so #yeah we'll see I guess #still half a day ahead hah

[bo0zey]

anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol

#laying in bed everytime i think abt myself i feel literally nauseated n like it’s so weird #this feeling comes in waves intermittently just even .01 sec of ‘hm i’m hungry’ FFFFFNOPE HRRGRHFFF VOMITTY #i want to curl up in a ball and die forever i don’t care about me i don’t want to take care of me anymore i’m not even good at it #whyyyyyyyy did i stop taking my meddsssssss i guarantee y’all this is why i’m being such a crybaby on the dash lmaoooo #i have a headache i’m def dehydrated from crying n sniveling n barely drinking any water today while sweating like a mf at work #imma go to bed 🛌 if i don’t wake up i will be soooo pleasantly surprised y’all have no idea FINGERS CROSSED🤞 #real talk tho can someone tell me why my body is literally reacting this way for like no real reason #like am i truly that disgusted with myself i make myself nauseous just thinking abt me #ok yeah the answer is yes lol BUT LIKE WHY THATS SUCH A DRAMATIC BODILY RESPONSE TO MY BRAINS DUMBASS THOUGHTS??? #ik the body and mind have a super powerful link n the brain influences the body like crazy but like #why this why does my brain literally want me to berate and degrade myself and isolate me and make me cry alone n starve me that’s so mean #i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything #i had a chocolate poptart for dinner last night (thurs) n threw myself to bed #i hope i don’t end up hurting myself that would be so lame #i literally don’t have time for that like i am Not doing wound care duty off the clock for my damn self lol #also don’t want to take care of myself so i wouldn’t bandage myself up properly sooo yeah i’m not gonna do anything actually #cleaning ur wounds r super important ok yall ur literally playing god if u don’t do good aftercare snfjfbdj #i can’t believe i’m in this nasty ugly depressive episode i hate this so much i don’t have time for this i hate this cycle #i hate being bipolar 2 n my moods n meds have been so fkcdd up lately that i don’t even have the rlly fun hypomanic episodes anymore #i’ve just been constantly having mixed episodes im unbearable to be around im so sorry for everyone that’s ever spoken to me im insufferable #ok that’s enough im done being dramatic lmao #im gonna give myself a bolus PRN dose of clonnie then i’m going tf to bed #ramblings #shut up cianna

[sotogalmo]

7:47

Ranting to myself and holy hell. Never rlly expected myself to say I relate to Charlie-

(read tags if you want. I get more in depth into it, but also my rant will be in depth of it too)

#time diary(?) #audrey/kellie's time diary #if you couldn't tell. ive been going to the hazbin hotel critical tag/redesign/rewritten tag many times #and im now just gonna be putting my own ideas out and the rant im making just. kinda. makes me think so much of how #much Charlie is SO undermined that she's just a basic fucking hell citizen and not THE princess of hell heir to the throne #HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER FATHER? WHO. BY THE WAY. SAYS “take that depression!”???? #charlie is so fucking undermined and never thought of that it angers me tbh. her idea & theme is so fucking cool!! but good God the #execution of it?? so bad that it's not even funny at all. i see myself in charlie so much due to her relationship with her father #and the whole relationship at the last episode is just now written as “weak daughter & strong father” and it fucking sucks #i kinda have the same relationship she has with her father but with my mother. we are distant but we love each other very much #and we help each other with the best we can. but the communication needs some working to do. we are distant but we are #still there for each other #oh also. the reason why i mentioned the “take that depression!” line is because it stod out to me. he has depression (or not??) #but that shit gets sidelined for his rival relationship with Alastor and some jokes (“or the second.. bow chica bow bow💥”) #and that. that's not fucking okay to me actually??? my mom has depression. and its not fucking nice or funny #(she has more like seasonal depression actually; shes more sadder/depressed in the winter). i might not know fully #but i know half of what it's like to have a depressed parent. and its. OUGH #Lucifer is such a good idea. Charlie is such a good idea. why the fuck was it wasted???

[currentlyonstandbi]

the further into this degree i get the more i know i don't want to be in it anymore lmao

#2 more years. .i can do 2 more years right . without having a total breakdown ? so far it's popping up in spurts of hysteria #and ever increasingly frequent episodes of intense misery and depression #even if i make it to the other side of this thing graduated i dont think i ever want a job in this profession . #i want some semblance of work life balance. people are going on about working hours at firms like 8am to 9pm . thats insane. #genuinely what am i doing with my life. sincerely hope everyone in their 30s who said it just starts to make sense when you get to that ag #are not joking about it fr i need this shit to be resolved by the time im 30 or idk what im gonna do !

[mysticalskunk]

The worst part about writing this Rockoon and Doubling analyze is that I have no idea where to start because I have a LOT of thoughts since their relationship is so complex and they are both incredibly complex people and I have activated my outside the box thinking with them so hard this time that I’m just wow! No wonder I didn’t roleplay either of them well in the past!!

Not judging from my own perspective anymore and being a lot less biased is so FUN

#im so excited when I actually get to write it #but that’s gonna take a while since again I have like ten different ways of analyzing something now #so I usually go through that first #and then write the big posts #talking about doubling and Rockoon excites me now more than ever #because there are so many thoughts that are not one dimensional anymore #so like the analysis is coming at some point #the proper analyze and not my live-blogging on the dash but I gotta rewatch tome entirely #i love doubling and Rockoon so much #rewatching and analyzing them has helped me during the depressive episode I allowed myself to get pulled into #same with Hawkbit from wsd tv series #but my thoughts are over the place and time and energy and irl things #oh man i am so excited to talk about my new take with them #but I try not to reveal too much because I don’t want spoilers

[18-toe-beans]

perhaps Consider that i am not doing well and will not be doing well for a while— Sorry y’all.

#it’s coming up on my birthday and traumaversary time and on top of that the stress of knowing we likely wont have enough next month is uh #stressing me out to the point of depressive episode with psychotic symptoms?? #my sleep is all messed up again and i keep having fucked up dreams #im getting shadow darters in my peripherals and hearing ticking sounds coming from Outside of my head when nothing is happening #i keep getting funky smells even though we’ve been cleaning for like 2 weeks straight #and my brain won’t stop remembering these moments from childhood and teenage years i absolutely do NOT want to remember #so just know that y’all aren’t alone me and the system are struggling pretty hard this new year #also korrin is still job searching and i’ve got no clue how that’s gonna go so uh yeah idk no end in sight????? #tbd when i finally snap out of this state y’all and i’m super sorry bc i know what it’s like to be around me when i am like this

[soonhoonsol]

*deep sigh*

#personal #this depression episode is not going well #i'm trying to cheer myself up by being on tumblr and trying to be excited in the tags but i dont think it's working #and i ordered wingstop and the delivery is taking forever and it's stressing me out more #and i made a mistake at work yesterday and i feel like trash bc i hate making mistakes #and i think im just gonna go cry bye bye guys i hope everyone else is doing better

[halinski]

.

#not me buying the same shoes as jamie in the amsterdam episode so i have the complete outfit lmao #also in the hopes that i'll start exercising (excuses) #but also for real tho #BUT LIKE ALSO ME HATING THEM BC I HATE WHITE SHOES AND BEING LIKE #I CANNOT BE SEEN OUTSIDE #WITH THEM ON EVER #SO MY PLAN IS FOILED #they are comfy tho so who cares how it looks #honestly tho no one is gonna know im cosplaying jamie if i go out in the amsterdam fit to go running #if thats what it takes to beat the depression to go exercise #its only my business so who cares 🤷 #also #for some reason theres a fairy in my recently used emojis and i truly dont know why #its completely unrelated but it scares me #ignore me #i am in less pain today and its a juge relief

[marcvscicero]

every day i go to bed and i pray that the next day will be better, that i'll finally wake up and feel okay enough to go gym, which will kickstart feeling productive in the day, which will finally get me out of this horrid horrid episode where i can't even do the things that i love and enjoy.

but today is, again, not that day :(

#any tips to actually get out of a depressive episode sooner are very welcome. i haven't felt this bad and this stuck in years #the fact that i can't even bring myself to go gym is the most worrying thing. it's never been that bad before i LOVE the gym #its like ... or it WAS .. my safe place where i felt productive n happy n okay #i havent felt this low since like 2019 and im so FED UP and ANGRY of waking up so exhausted and lethargic and ACHEY #im going insane fr im gonna fucking kill my whole entire self if this continues much longer i cant do it its HORRIBLE #i

[lesbiancarat]

i found out bjoo from xeno-t/toppdogg is on peak time and I'm kind of tempted to watch it but the fact that it's another idol survival program for "failed" idols is giving me flashbacks to the unit and idk if i can put myself through that again 🧍‍♀️

#i may watch an episode to try it out #but given i had to drop boys planet bc i was so frustrated with mnets evil editing #despite not having a huge attachment to any of the contestants #i really dont know if ill be able to watch a show w my first ever kpop bias + other groups that shaped my early kpop days #like i want so badly to see what theyre up to but given the nature of the show and knowing how these things go idk if i can #i swear the unit genuinely tramatized me #maybe im being dramatic but i probably didnt help that when the unit was airing i was like the most depressed in my life lmao #gonna steel myself and try to watch but i wont force myself if it stresses me out too much #melia.txt