#im so fucking tired. and i dont think anyone ever really understands what that means?

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

#diary #personal #im gonna finish eating and go back to lay in my bed all day... #im just sorta. it really really hurts and i honeslty cant handle interacting with others right now. #hell. everything just hurts so much right now. #like. i tried to force myself to do something and just. i end up getting instantaneous backlash. #im really tired. and id just like to exist calmly. #so imma go back to bed after eating and using the washroom and do nothing else at all today. #i honeslty dont think i can today. like. i obviously can. but at what cost? #im beyond burnt out. still recovering from a meltdown/shutdown/breakdown/whatever. and im sore and in pain #im really tired of living like this. and id rather stay in bed. and actually feel okay there instead. #here? its just painful. i barely got out of bed to eat and now i just regret it. #i wouldve not eaten. i would've liked to have not eaten. but i barely convinced myself to get outta bed. #but then the thing i was gonna gave we were out of. and then i got stressed while making porridge #and while i barely finished everything hurts beyond all else. #i just. im used to this. its fine. but i still hate it. #i dont mind taking care of myself. really. i just wish i had enough space to do so without being set back again and again #im so fucking tired. and i dont think anyone ever really understands what that means? #not to me at least. they seem to think itll be fine #but its not. its really not. i have to keep supressing the urge to just quit my job and actually just be okay. #but i have to press on. i have to work. i dont know why. but its not like i have much of a choice? #i dont know why im bothering. i dont know. #im really tired. and theres no break that could ever realy fix this. im sorta just fucked arent i? #haaah. what i wouldnt give to live differently. what i wouldnt give to just live elsewhere.

[floshav]

more rodrick PLSSSSS it can be anything

omg this is my first req ever and im so excited thank you!!

you wanted more Rodrick well here's more Rodrick.

part 2 out now!!

summary: Rodricks your best friend but thats not enough for you. As much as you hate to admit, you like the boy. That's why you show up drunk and high at one of his infamous house parties after he'd ranted to you about how he was so so in love with Heather Hills.

warnings: angst, heartache, kissing, Heather Hills, pining, weed, alcohol, crying, one sided love kinda, self hate

wc: 1k+

"She was so pretty."

"Oh yea?"

"No. I dont think you understand, like the way her hair smelled when she strut past me, the smell of..... smell of something light. Fresh! Pink even."

Rodrick practically had stars in his eyes when he described how his crush was at school. You'd be ecstatic if the crush was you, but the world is cruel so here you were talking about Heather Hills for the last hour or so.

"Y'know... I heard she spat on Louise last week. Poor kid, was dosed in her icky saliva for the whole day." Y/n was selfish but she tried to paint Heather in a bad light.

"Shit i'd pay good money for her to spit on me."

Well that backfired she thought.

"Freak" Y/n lightly laughed as she fell back onto Rodricks soft bed. Chest heaving up and down whilst her mind felt clouded.

"What can I say, love makes anyone a freak."

There was that word again. Love. How could he be bloody in love with little miss Heather Hills. The queen of highschool. The perfect girl. Pretty blondie. Pretty face. Y/n quickly began to realise there were plenty of reasons for Rodrick to crush on her. Y/n was a nobody. She thought her face ugly, her style wack, her eyes too uneven. She hated, hated, hated herself and wished she looked like Heather.

"Oh. My. God. I just had the best fucking idea" Rodrick exclaimed with the dorkiest smile he could produce, each fine line below the thickness of his eyebrows seen under the dim lighting of his room.

"Hmm?" Y/n buzzed as she basked in the coolness of his sheets

"M'gonna throw a party" "Heather would definitely come, i mean its one of my parties we're talking about."

Flashbacks to Rodrick's last party hit y/n's head like a train when she remembered how chaotic and horrible the experience was. Drunk teens shouting and chugging unknown beverages, shoulders brushing against shoulders constantly as she tried to find a room she could breath in without having to see another damn couple absolutely devouring eachother. Each and every minuscule second she'd spent in that house made her want to puke. The sight that made her want to puke the most was Rodrick's clearly drunk self throwing himself onto Heather, eyes sparkly with hope whilst she just sat there smiling so sweetly it was sickening.

Quickly she was sent back to reality.

"D'you think that's a good idea?" she questioned, tired.

"Course it is! she always comes to my things"

"Kay' whatever you think is gonna earn you your little dream girl specimen."

"Trust me, this times different." That's what he always said.

--------------------------------------

It's ok. It's ok. I-It's.... it's gonna be fine. she told herself as she admired the makeup she'd put on for tonight's occasion, she'd tried to copy one of Heathers famous looks, but quickly realised it didn't suit her skin so she stuck to her usual and hated herself for it. It was dreadfully the day of his party. The day that she'd have to witness him openly flirt with Heather just because he had an excuse to down a dozen bottles of cheap booze. She swiped a smear of lipstick that somehow ended up below her lip and sighed as she adjusted her shirt. Why do you always give in? Just confess you idiot. No! what the fuck am i thinking. she scrunched her nose and took a deep breath in, abusing her vanity with the pressure from the pads of her fingers.

She really really didn't want to go. She couldn't bare seeing Heather show up with her annoyingly perfect face, her perfect nose, her perfect hair, her stupidly sweet personality that everyone gaped over. Fuck it. She hated herself and wanted to forget that Rodrick even existed.

She found her not so hidden stash of weed she'd carelessly left under a pile of worksheets from her chemistry class, something ionic bonding. She didn't know how long it'd sat there for but it stained the ziplock bag a dull yellow. The bag was crinkled and smelled like the thought of Rodrick. Whenever she was upset or mad at Rodrick she'd smoke weed to drown the thoughts out but she slowly realised it was ruining the drug as a whole for her.

She rolled a joint in a random piece of paper she'd found thrown on her floor and lit up the end, taking a deep whiff of it, smile playing on her lips.

-----------------------------

"Animals.....Elephants....Tiguurrrsssss!" She slurred as she laid flat on her disheveled bed scrunching the sheets as her eyes formed stars around her ceiling. She got up abruptly, hair a mess and rubbed her eyes deepening the pressure with every second. "Rrrr... What time? Uggggh" She sighed as she reached for her phone. Her room was cloudy and smelled of green. Beside her were a few empty glasses so she took a sniff, curious. Happy juice? No, Vodka she thought. She saw the emptied out bottle of cheap convenience store alcohol by the side of her feet a long with the yellowed bag of weed which was empty. it'd been around 2 hours since she blacked out on her bed somehow thinking about how her fan looked like the shape of animals. Shit, fuck, ass, asshole! she muttered under her breath as she plopped back down.

"Why not? What's thurrr worst that could happennn?" she mumbled eyes fluttering as she picked up her bag and stumbled out her window, careful not to wake anyone. She took the route down the tree that always worked for her but in a clumsy fashion as she fumbled down the hard branches of her overgrown escape buddy. Craaack, Creeeeak. The continuous sounds made her annoyed. "Uggggfh can't everyone just shut up!!"

--------------------------------------

There she was. Standing dumb, drunk and high in front of the booming house lit up by warm yellow light. She could already smell the familiar smell of cheap alcohol, body odour and weed. My kind of night she thought as she barely made her way to the entrance. There were already people outside partying like no tomorrow as some flipped their hair to some overplayed hip hop song that everyone knew. While some were more restricted, sipping on booze as they giggled with their friends. The true highschool experience y/n thought.

Bump.

"Hey! Watch it-"

"Y/n?"

It was someone with beautiful waves of blonde still visible from her clouded vision, pretty makeup and a perfect body. Heather.

"O-Oh hey Heather! Pretty little Heather Hills." Y/n slurred as her vision was still blurred

"Uhm... Y'alright?" She questioned looking back at her friends as if y/n was cuckoo.

"No. No. No. No! Y-you. You. You and your stupidly perfect self can go to hell!" y/n lashed out

"W-what? Y/n what the fuck is wrong with you?" Heather said clearly freaked out by the sudden aggression.

Tears started to cloud y/n's vision so she took in a deeeeep breath trying to suck in as much oxygen as she could.

"Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! You- You're all he wants. Heather, heather, heather! My perfect little heather with her pretty little face!" Y/n cried out as her knees began to weaken. She had no sense of shame, embarrassment or anxiety. She was too blacked out for this. So blacked out she just blurted her deepest darkest thoughts.

A crowd began to form around them, some curious at the sudden shouting girl who was crumbling a part, vulnerable in front of some people she didn't even know the names of.

"W-what? What are you even saying y/n." Heather said confused and disturbed as she began to back away.

Warmth began to spread at the small of y/n's back. Rodricks hand.

"Y/n? Why the fuck are you screaming?- Y/n s-shit you're not alright." Rodrick hastily slung y/n's arm around his shoulder careful with her as if she was a piece of fine china.

"S-sorry bout' that Heaths, trust me she doesn't mean anything she's saying" Rodrick stutters clearly not drunk enough, nervous as he realises that Heather is clearly agitated.

"Y-yea. It's okay Rodrick. It's not your fault, just get her far from here kay?" Heather said with sympathy and those stupid doe eyes whilst placing a hand on his shoulder. This should've made him tremble with pleasure, but the fact that she'd talked about y/n as if she was a monster made him angry.

"Yea. Yea alright." Rodrick scoffed, lightly rolling his eyes before dragging y/n's blacked out figure up his carpeted staircase, the carpet grazing her knees creating a friction which burned satisfyingly on her kneecaps.

"Fuuuck. Fuck..." Y/n softly mumbled, head tilting to the side of his shoulder as he firmed his grip on the side of her shoulder. Shoulders.... shoulders are for friends, real girls get hands put on their waist. Not shoulders. She managed to conjure the thought in her hazed mind.

He struggled to open his door as y/n's body weight pressed into the side of him as he suddenly heard silent weeps of sorrow erupt from her lips.

He set her on the foot of his bed, careful not to drop her anywhere harsh.

"Y/n? Y/n what's wrong, you're like black out drunk." He asked now bending down with both hands on his knees.

He slowly caresses his hand over the hill of her cheekbone and shoves a fly of hair away from her puffy eyes.

"You....i... Im sick of you and- and her." She sighs as a hysterical tear falls from her eye. Her face was the saddest Rodrick had ever seen and this broke his heart.

"Me and... me and who y/n?" He said so softly as he began to crouch so so close to her, his eyes looking up into hers with genuine curiosity and care. The mention of her name fluttered her heart.

"Heather" She breathed out involuntarily sniffling.

"You don't like me talking about her?" He slowly asked as if all the dots were finally clicking together.

"That's a stupid question." He lowly chuckled as he swiped his thumb under the pad of her eyes.

"I.. I really- I really"

"You really what?" He said again so so softly

"I really like you." She blurted before she felt that familiar rush of heat rapture her face.

Rodrick's eyes glance down to her swollen lips and he feels a strong ache pill at his heart. His best friend just confessed about her underlaying fondness of him and he'd been an ass talking about Heather all the time. He imagined how bad it must've sucked all the damn time.

"I-I'm so sorry I- I always talked about her."

"No! don't fucking be sorry you idiotttt." She slurred

"You- You don't owe me anything." She smiled softly as she fluffed up his hair.

"Maybe..." This is wrong he thought

"Maybe i do owe you an apology." He said slow and steady as he glanced down to her lips and locked with it for the final time.

He slowly moved in to plant a soft kiss on her puffy lips and her eyes widened in surprise.

The kiss felt like heaven and she tasted like everything he was used to. A hint of cherry chapstick, a lot of weed and something coconut. His lips felt so soft against hers and she breathed in every second of the experience. She almost wanted to whine when he pulled away.

"I- Fuck."

Y/n's euphoric high was quickly ruined at the notice of him clearly regretting his decision.

"No- It's fine Rodrick. I get it, it was just a in the moment thing." She sighed as she put both her hands to her face rubbing her cheeks and eyes as if she was trying to rid off the pain in her heart.

"No, no, no! it's not that."

"I just..."

"Fuck it." He went in for another kiss.

--------------------------(end)

thank u for the request!! i hope this was enough to satisfy ur rodrick need lol, if u ever want a smutty end to this lmk but yarrrrr

#rodrick heffley #doawk rodrick #rodrick x y/n #rodrick x fem!reader #rodrick #rodrick x reader #diary of a wimpy kid rodrick #rodrick imagines #rodrick fanfic #rodrick heffley x reader #rodrick heffley x fem reader #rodrick fanfiction #rodrick heffley fanfiction

[yanderu-deredere]

bite and chew. (extras)

★ their mate is in the same house and the two of them know they should be talking to him but, instead, they let off a little steam

anon asked: LOL SO LIKE WAS THE REASON MEL SAID THEY WERENT IN THE STATE TO HAVE GUESTS WAS BECOS THEY WERE FUCKING? AND THAT'S WHY LEO HAD THAT BUTT PLUG?

a/n: a little behind the scenes for that lil scene loool hope ur fine with me answering it this way just becos im super ocd about the formatting! this is very all over the place lmao but i just wanted to write it out becos yeah.... im really sorry (:

also before anyone asks THEYRE MARRIED THATS WHY THEY HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME DONT BE WEIRD!

part one (bite.) ★ part two ★ (chew.) ★ extras (taste) ★ part three ★ (swallow.) ★ part four (digest.)

pairing: implied poly werewolves x male reader, isamu lowell x leonard lowell word count: 2690

warning: not much reader in here, leonard is bratty and mean, isamu is just here for the ride, having sex in a semi-public place, kind of exhibitionism? almost exhibitionism? hard to explain but they jerk of right outside of the room reader is in

"Who's the twunk?"

The words leave Leonard's lips before he could stop himself. They always always did and he always beat himself up for it but he had never hated himself for it more than that moment because you were more than a twunk.

You were the most beautiful man he'd ever seen.

You were so stunning.

Mel had always told Leonard that he'd understand once you came, that it would be different with you. Leonard had been the last to join the pack so he didn't know what it felt like but that he'd apparently just know.

He always feared that he wouldn't know, that he'd never feel it, that the feeling would actually just be some sort of irrational jealousy as Mel and Isamu doted over the new addition.

But no, he felt it with you.

Just looking at you, just staring at you, he knew it was you.

The timing was right too. The full moon just started and he was already feeling his blood rushing to his cock at the sight of you standing there, looking at him oddly.

Oddly because he called you a twunk. Fuck.

Mel was saying something. He said your name. Leonard needed to pay attention. He needed to say something, anything. He forced a smile on, trying his best not to look like he wanted to devour you "Nice to meet you too!"

Gods, he wanted to absolutely tear you apart and devour you. In all the best ways, of course.

Leonard couldn't take this anymore. Without thinking (because he never thought on anything first before doing it), he rushed away, desperate for any sort of relief.

"Saaam!"

Their entire cabin was only one floor so, sometimes, getting from point A to point B was frustrating as all Hell but, thankfully, Isamu was where Leonard had last left him.

Leonard burst into the master bedroom, broad grin on his face.

Isamu was completely naked, cock clutched in his fist, sweat trickling down the side of his face and cum dribbling down his shaft. Even though it had been a few minutes since he'd cum, Isamu was still panting like he'd run a marathon.

And, honestly, anyone Leonard rode pretty much always felt that way.

"They're here." Leonard tried to tell Isamu, bright blue eyes wide and that famous wolfish grin on his face "He's here."

Of course, they only ever spoke about one person that way so Isamu immediately knew who Leonard was talking about.

As if he was never tired in the first place, Isamu sat up, eyes wide and a panicked expression on his face "Oh no, what should I do? Fuck!"

Then, he let go of his own cock like the thing was made of molten lava "I-I-I can't meet them looking l-like this!"

"Hmmm," Leonard tapped the bottom of his lip, trying his best to look like he was thinking on it "How about we help each other out?"

Then, he was moving forward and riffling through the nightstand right next to his side of the bed. It was a little hard to find what he was looking for since he wasn't exactly the most organised in the pack but, eventually, his fingers found it and he fished it out.

It was a butt plug that fit perfectly in his hand, all shiny and crystalline, a suitably perfect rosy pink color. At the very head of it was a beautiful blooming flower.

Isamu took one look at it and shook his head "No way."

"What do you mean no way?" Leonard huffed as he tossed it in Isamu's direction. The poor guy barely had any time to catch the thing.

"No way, I'm n-not going to put this in you!" Isamu watched as Leonard started stripping his sweatpants and then his boxers "We're going to end up losing control and then fucking!"

"I need to prep myself, okay? I'm going to get our mate to fuck me tonight." Leonard let Isamu know a-matter-of-factly, smug expression on his face before he was bending himself over in front of his mate.

Isamu sighed, ragged and tired "You don't even know if he's into guys."

"He may not be into guys but he's our mate. He'll be into us." Leonard said it with such confidence that, honestly? Isamu found himself believing him.

It didn't mean that Isamu was any more on board with Leonard's stupid bullshit, though. But, he knew all the time spent arguing with Leonard was wasted time.

So, he grabbed the lube next to the bed on the floor and warmed it up on his fingers. Leonard always complained when it was too cold and he didn't want him to complain when he was already stepping on Isamu's nerves.

"Fuuuck, Sam, your fingers are always the best." Leonard groaned a little when Isamu finally started pushing his fingers in, the lube making the insertion smooth and easy.

Mel's fingers were always the hardest to take because they were always so rough and thick. Perks of being a lumberjack, Leonard supposed. But Isamu's fingers were long and lithe; they always seemed to get to the places in Leonard that nobody else could.

"Shit. RIght there, baby, fuck." Leonard buried his face into his arms as the tips of Isamu's fingers brushed against something inside him that made his cock twitch.

Isamu hated that Leonard was enjoying this so much. So, as a little bit of retaliation, he couldn't help but give his ass cheek a little bit of a spank with his free hand.

Leonard was the best to spank out of the three of them. Unlike Mel and Isamu, Leonard had pale skin so, when they hit and bruised him, his skin always turned such pretty vibrant colours.

And he cried so pretty too.

"Fuck, shit, sorry." Leonard's hips did a little aborted thrust like they didn't know whether to grind his cock against the mattress for relief or to push hard against Isamu for more "Shit, Isamuu."

Both of them knew the apology was bullshit but Isamu took it anyway and rubbed a comforting palm against the stinging ass cheek.

It didn't stop him from tapping it again once, twice, thrice, each time harder than the last, trying to remind Leonard that this entire thing really was inconveniencing him just a little bit.

Leonard sobbed each time, the apologies disappearing, replaced with that bratty attitude of his that always demanded things.

"Fucking stop! Shit! Fuck!" He'd curse but he wouldn't pull away, wouldn't actually stop Isamu, would just keep letting his mate fuck his fingers into his ass.

"Okay, shit, I've had enough!" Finally, Leonard pushed his hand back and clawed at Isamu's leg, teeth bared "Push the fucking plug in me or I might push you down and fuck you."

Isamu gulped and nodded a little haltingly. Yeah, this was exactly what he was worried about.

He took his hand off of Leonard's ass cheek to grab the butt plug only to realise that it was cold. So, he put the whole thing in his mouth, saliva coating it and dribbling down the corner of his mouth.

Of course, Leonard watched and he couldn't help but think how erotic Isamu looked taking the thing and licking at it.

It made him want to fuck him even more. Which, of course, made him groan and grind his cock into the rough sheets under him.

"Calm down." Isamu grumbled and took his fingers out of Leonard's ass before finally coating the butt plug with lube and slipping the whole thing into Leonard's ass.

It was mesmerising to watch it slip so easily in and to see the excess lube dribble out.

It was even more unbelievable to watch Leonard get up like nothing ever happened. He didn't even hobble as he angrily cleaned himself up and got dressed.

"Wait! Fuck," Isamu grabbed his pant leg "You said you'd help me out!"

Leonard laughed, all mean-spirited before kneeling beside the bed.

Without even hesitating, he took Isamu's cock into his hand and licked a long stripe, from the base to the tip, before taking the tip into his mouth and suckling on it.

Isamu's head fell back, a strangled moan leaving his throat. "Y-You're not helping!"

Leonard laughed again, lips vibrating around Isamu's tip and causing his hips to jerk up into Leonard's mouth.

In response, Leonard gave a couple of taps on Isamu's hip. Calm down.

"S-Sorry, just-- Fuck, don't-- don't laugh with my p-p-penis in your mouth." Isamu stuttered out, his hand darting out to cup the back of Leonard's neck.

Leonard already knew that but that didn't mean he wouldn't do it. It was always fun to see Isamu freaking out about it, after all.

Still, as an apology, Leonard smoothly took the rest of Isamu's cock down his throat, monster length and all. The slurp of cum, lube and saliva was absolutely obscene.

At least, Isamu thought so as he let the rest of his body fall back, his hand tightening around the back of Leonard's neck, his hips struggling to hold back on fucking the poor guy's throat.

"Fuck, fuck, Leo, fuck."

As suddenly as he did it, though, he was pulling back, slowly sucking and licking as he took out inch after inch. Isamu watched with bated breath as the bulge in Leonard's throat seemed to shift before disappearing completely.

Leonard would kill him one of these days.

"There, all clean." The monster croaked out before clearing his throat and licking his lips like he'd finished a popsicle and not absolutely deepthroated Isamu's cock.

Then, to make matters even worse, Leonard took Isamu by the wrist and cleaned the cum off his hand, his tongue working in between his fingers and lapping at his palm.

"Leo!" Isamu let out another strangled moan, his hips helplessly thrusting into nothing and his cock feebly bobbing around.

"Come on, our mate is literally on the other side of this damn house!" Leonard stood up, dusting himself off before throwing clothes at Isamu, uncaring when they hit him in the face instead of landing on his lap.

Isamu just sighed and obediently put them on, knowing full well that, when Leonard got like this, it was better to let him boss you around than to argue.

That and Isamu was excited too, after all.

Isamu knew the happiness that came with finding another mate. Just finding Mel was a miracle in itself.

He hadn't known that his... condition had been so... trainable and Mel helped him out. To think that they became mates too? It was like fate brought them together.

And then Mother Moon brought them Leonard? It was more than Isamu could ever ask for.

Now, she gave him another gift with you.

So, yes, Isamu nervously followed Leonard, scared out of his mind to see you but also happy and excited and all of these emotions brewing inside of his chest.

And when he saw you? When he looked at you, sitting there at the table, looking at him with those eyes, that handsome sweet smile on your face? He knew, just like how he knew when he saw Mel and when he saw Leonard, that you were his.

"Hello." He wheezed out, unable to really think of anything more intelligent to say.

Especially when you smiled at him like that so brilliantly, like the Sun itself "Hello! You must be Sam, right? Nice to meet you!"

"Isamu." He corrected before realising how stupid that sounded "Y-You can call me Sam."

Then, to make it even worse, like his body wanted to embarrass him, he bowed. He really didn't mean to do it but his body was moving before he could stop himself.

Thoroughly embarrassed (and his cock still hard from both what Leonard had done before and from just seeing you), he scurried away.

"Sam!" He heard Leonard follow after him but he was near tears, knowing that you probably thought he was some stupid idiot or something.

When he showed no signs of stopping, Leonard wrapped his arms around Isamu's waist and tried to pull him to a stop.

Of course, Leonard was no match for someone so buff and tough like Isamu. But, out of respect for Leonard or because he liked doting on him, Isamu almost immediately stopped.

Just as the two of them paused almost right outside the kitchen, they heard your voice, melodic and sweet.

"What's up with all of you and your partners looking supernaturally good-looking?"

Isamu felt his cheeks and his ears grow hot. You didn't think he was some weirdo for being so flustered and embarrassed in front of you?

Leonard sighed and Isamu felt his breath against his ear.

"See, you're fine. You're panicking without thinking again." Leonard whispered against Isamu's ear, his lips tickling the shell of it "Just calm down."

Then, Isamu felt Leonard smirk "Let me help you calm down."

Without warning, Leonard's hand snuck into Isamu's sweatpants and into his boxers, his fingers wrapping around his still hard cock and pulling it out.

There was no lube, of course, and no cum to help so Leonard huffed "Spit."

"W-We-We're right outside--" Isamu tried to protest.

"I said spit." Leonard huffed out again and, knowing Leonard, Isamu just did as he was told, letting a line of his spit drop onto his own cock.

Leonard laughed rather meanly before spreading the spit all over the shaft of Isamu's cock. It still wasn't enough, of course, but it definitely helped.

"Gods, I bet if our mate saw you now..." Leonard let himself trail off and Isamu's hips helplessly jerked forward at the thought.

What, you'd think Isamu was pathetic? That he was disgusting for being turned on just looking at you? That he shouldn't be leaking so much pre-cum while he was being jerked off right outside the room you were in?

Isamu immediately pulled his hand up to his face and bit down on the back of his wrist, trying his hardest not to let out all the pitiful moans and whines he wanted to.

Leonard let out a couple of breathy chuckles as he continued to work Isamu's cock "You're getting off on it, aren't you? I bet you'd really cum hard if he came out and saw you."

Isamu shook his head but the two of them knew he was just denying the truth.

"Listen to his voice while you get off, you pervert." Leonard's free hand suddenly came up to pinch Isamu's face, his thumb and fingers digging into his cheeks.

"Yeah, my girlfriend invited me but then ditched me to go hang out with some buff guy."

"Girlfriend? Ha, you're getting off to a guy with a girlfriend, 'Samu." Leonard jeered, fist clenching a bit harder around Isamu's cock as he did a particularly rough jerk. "What are you going to do about that, Isamu? Our mate has a girlfriend."

Oh no, oh no. The worst part about Leonard was that he knew exactly what buttons to press and he knew exactly how easily Isamu got jealous over his mates.

He didn't even know who your girlfriend was but, Gods, did he want to rip out her throat with his bare teeth.

Isamu's teeth tightened around his own wrist and he futilely fucked into Leonard's fist, trying to chase the high that he felt coiling into his stomach.

Isamu wanted to claim you, wanted to take you away from your girlfriend. She didn't deserve you anyway. Only they did. Only they deserved you, you could only belong to them.

When Isamu came, his entire body bent forwards and he could barely muffle the huffed out moan that left his throat. Leonard himself laughed up a storm and had to cover his mouth.

The cum, of course, splattered all over the floor and Leonard knew he'd have to clean that up.

Isamu was absolutely out of it, his entire body sagging and tired as he panted and groaned.

"Sam, Leo, come here and hang out with our new guest!"

Or they could probably clean it up later.

#yandere oc x reader #yandere x reader #male yandere #yandere #oc x reader #male oc #male werewolf x reader #werewolf oc x reader #werewolf x reader #melchior #isamu #leonard #chaptered #lemony content

[koqabear]

Hmmm, I'm really into fantasy. As for groups, I stan a lot (probably too many), so you could recommend any 😭

Also, what do you mean?!😭 Your personality is just so 💜💜💜!! Like I have never admired a stranger so much in my entire life 😭😭😭

-Lvlee

hi loveee !! so as it turns out,,, making a rec list is very hard. very. i've read a lot less fics than i thought omg (which is why all the ones i listed are on the older side LMAO), so i am here with some txt and bts recs 😭 they're mostly supernatural/fantasy, but you can always check out my main blog (@/michipan) if you wanna see anything else!

also 🫠 please.... im sobbing rn u are the cutest ever </3 i am nothing but a silly little normal person i promise

to anyone who decides to check out these recs, pleeeeaaase support the authors!! please im genuinely begging you!!! leave a little review and a reblog and show them love bc they're amazing <3

BTS Recs

☆ Beastly Gods by @lemonjoonah

✧ hybrid!taehyung x fem!reader x ???

wc: 8K // genre: hybrid au, thirller, drama, smut, potentially dark and triggering content so read the warnings carefully!

Summary: ‘Don’t leave the forest,’ a rule that you’ve been forced to follow since birth, but you are tired of living in this wooden cage. Out of desperation you cut a deal with Taehyung, who claims to be the only one who can get you out safely, even though he might be just as dangerous as the god you’re trying to escape.

sol's personal notes:

oh. my. GOD. this was one of the first few fics i read when i joined this site, and it's literally stuck with me ever since. i can't say too much about it without spoiling it, but the worldbuilding and pacing was just. immaculate. the storyline is so well done and just. everything about it is perfection omg. there's another part that goes along with this story, but i can't link it bc ofc... spoilers 😖i wish i had more to say about this fic, but i read it years ago and forgot to write a review for it T_T

☆ Treasure by @sombreboy

✧ faerie dragon hybrid!jimin x fem!reader

wc: 4.7K // genre: pwp smut, hybrid, yandere, fairytale, again potentially dark and triggering content so read the warnings carefully!

Summary: Jimin loves to collect sparkly riches and playthings. You just happen to be the next treasure that ignited his obsessive desires.

sol's personal notes:

(fucking explodes into a million pieces) i can't. i had to reread this story real quick to get a refresher on it and just. jimin's character in this is literally so perfect and mischievous and evil!! and i love it... <3 he is characterized so well and the descriptions are just so well done... ouuu i just read over the smut again and i teared up a little. the dialogue is genuinely so insane im not normal abt this fic sorry.

TXT Recs

☆ the prince and the jackal by @gyuluster

✧ prince!beomgyu x woodcutter!metalbender!reader

wc: 11.8k // genre: fantasy au, fluff

Summary:  in the Kingdom of Terrae, you, a metalbender, believe in the deforestation to modernise the land. As a member of the Lumberjackals, you thrive on cutting down trees and stealing resources until you get caught by the Crown Prince, Choi Beomgyu, a lover and embodiment of the nature you wish to destroy. However, instead of imprisoning you for your crimes, Beomgyu decides to show you the beauty and wonders of nature, leaving you to doubt your beliefs, your identity, and your very feelings for the certain boy determined to change you for the better.

sol's personal notes:

unfortunately the author is no longer active on this account (💔💔💔💔) but like. this story literally changed my brain chemistry i dont think you guys understand. it's been so long since i read this but even so, it lives on in my mind... the world building and characters are so well done and from what i remember, beomgyu's character was literally so charming T_T such a pretty story, i might go reread this bc like... the fantasy was executed so well and i love me a good royalty au <3 not to mention the whole concept of the powers is so cool!

☆ Swimmin' in a Mirror by @bangchanswolfpelt

✧ soobin x2 x fem!reader (stay with me here)

wc: 2.5K // genre: magical school au (not a harry potter au) smut

Summary unavailable.

sol's personal notes:

this one's like a whole 180 from the last fic LMAO but GOOD GOD. this author isn't active anymore from what i know of but like. they were literally revolutionary and this fic is just. never seen anything like this before but )#%(&#%??? it's genuinely so impressive how they managed to pull this off alkghadg so hot so insane so creative

☆ that's the spirit! by @agustdiv1ne

✧ sixth sense/ ghost hunter! soobin x fem!reader

wc: 14.6K // genre: high school au, fluff, angst, some elements of horror

Summary: a couple weeks before halloween, you find the quiet boy from your high school staring up into your bedroom. you're a little creeped out, and miles more scared, but then he shows you something that changes how you see, well, everything.

sol's personal notes:

are we surprised. i don't think so. i literally never shut up about this fic ever like i'm such a sucker for unique stories and this is definitely one of them! the pacing, supernatural elements, and environment was written sooo well, and the worldbuilding and explanations that comes along with the plot is so perfectly executed and well thought out. such a cool story, with a banger playlist to go along with it :]

☆ Dirty Little Secret by @petrichor-han

✧ vampire! yeonjun x gn!witch!reader

wc: 4.0K // genre: angst, dark fantasy, vampire!au, witch!au, enemies to lovers

Summary: yeonjun is one of prince seungmin’s most trusted bodyguards. born as a low-class vampire, he worked his way to the top and is proud of his accomplishments, beginning to adapt his friends’ classist mindsets and forgetting where he came from. but when his brothers come to visit one day, exposing his poor ancestry, everyone turns against him except for one: a lowly servant whom he’d picked on in the past—you.

sol's personal notes:

are you kidding me. DARK FANTASY. yeah that's literally all it took for me to fall in love with this story; the imagery is beautiful and the storytelling is so heart wrenching and good and i am literally clawing at the bars of my enclosure rn btw. this fic is sososo good and i'd literally kill to get another morsel from this universe !

⭒⭒⭒

✧ again, make sure to show all these lovely authors some love!! if any of you manage to see this (unlikely. for the most part) i literally cherish these stories sm and would literally die for them idcidc u guys truly made some masterpieces over here ✧

#i'd definitely like to read more fics #i just never have the time anymore... #it's getting difficult writing as it is lmao #but anyways #i hope you like these >w< #they are my favs #lvlee anon! #koqabear asks #rambles

[las-tortugas-ninja]

ok im gonna drop my character analysis on splinter/lou jitsu because im tired of people hating on him.

lets think about the circumstances he was in for moment. image you spent your life as a kickass action star only to get kidnapped by the person you loved and forced to fight in the battle nexus. you have to go through the grief of being betrayed by someone you shouldve been able to trust while now living in a chamber (which looks like it has just the poorest living conditions) and you have zero contact to the outside world, AND your ex who got you into this mess is using you for profit and throws you into fights you have no say in for peoples entertainment for who knows how long! i dont think its ever been stated how long he has been living like that!

now on top of all that imagine the moment you escape you get turned into a fucking rat. now i know its usually joked about but seriously being a rat does seem to really bother splinter and if you think about for like 5 seconds? yeah? why wouldnt it? he basically had his body changed in ways he did not consent to.

so yeah obviously after all that this guy is mentally ill as fuck and i bring all this up because of course it affects his parenting. imagine going through all that and now you have to be a dad to FOUR children (all of which are babies at this time) that you understand none of the biology of, and you have to raise them with ZERO outside support (seriously why doesnt anyone talk about that. what does he do if he needs someone to babysit them or one of them gets sick cause he aint a docter) all this combined makes me think yeah. ofc hes not gonna do a good fucking job.

and when the boys are teenagers and dont need the 24/7 supervision they did as babies. you see splinter spending a lot of his time watching tv melting into the recliner because * drum roll * he is depressed. i do not think he is lazy i think he is depressed and probably traumatized but he never had time to process that trauma because he had to be a dad.

because he spends so much time sulking in the living room his sons (specifically donnie) feel like he doesnt want to spend time with them and are reasonably upset with him.

so in the 22nd episode of the first season when splinter tricks donnie into entering the demolition derby. that was an eye opener for him to be better. he saw the absolute hurt in donnie’s eyes and tone of voice because he thought he wanted to spend time with him. that was the eye opener he needed to realize “oh shit. i really fucked up. i need to spend time with my sons. i need to be better for them.” and he apologizes to donnie because yeah, what he did wasnt okay.

and you can tell he changed for his sons because in “hidden city’s most wanted” you can tell all he wanted to do was spend time with mikey.

and the thing is there is nothing that can convince me his sons (and april to admitably) dont mean the fucking world to him. when draxum tells him that before him he had no purpose, that he was a husk of a man he says hes not lost anymore because he has his sons. his sons were the first thing he thought of when he needed a reason to why his life didnt fucking suck now.

this man went against the hamato clan teachings and almost got all of humanity killed for the sake of his sons. he loves his sons and he hasnt been great to them and he wants to change because he knows they deserve better. there is literally so much love emanating from this family.

a lot of people say that splinter is abusive/neglectful and im not denying that hes not perfect but jesus you can criticize his parenting without treating him like an irredeemable monster (because he is redeemable and he did change for the better)

also i know yall arent gonna wanna hear this but someones gotta say it cause its the truth: in general people will be harder on ethnic parents and treat them less like actual people capable of making mistakes. yes splinter is a rat but he is still ethnically japanese. he is a person of color and as someone whos been in fandom for awhile yeah people are suspiciously a lot more forgiving to white parents who make mistakes compared to when parents of color make them. i really do think its causing a bias.

#rottmnt #tmnt #splinter #lou jitsu #hamato yoshi #long post #character analysis

[miutonium]

I can't sleep because i am lowkey nervous about tomorrow but also I just want to show yall basically my art progress (in terms of rendering) in the spam of 1 year contracting Utonium brainrot hhhh it's so surreal to see how different both of them looked like ahaha

(for guide, first pic to last, 1st week july 2021>3rd week july 2021>21st Nov 2021>9th Apr 2022)

Also witness me talking about each journey of my progress undercut lol

I cAN TOTALLY EXPLAIN THE FIRST 2 PICS. The first one is exactly from a year ago when my brainrot just started and I was like "well fuck I guess I have a new f/o now". If you ever see or feel familiar about the first art even though you prooooobably never see it,

its because it was an original picture for this redraw a few months AFTER that pic

Also if you notice, the art style for that one is totally different from others and shhh the reason it was like that is because initially I want to draw them in my actual artstyle around that time and I dont want it to follow the same artstyle like in the show. My friend said Utonium kinda reminds them of that guy from clo.udy wi th a ch.ance of meatb.alls and im like "oH SHITTT". There's more drawings of Utonium pre-brainrot era with this kind of artstyle in my folder but I don't think the world is ready for that yet lol

Anyway as I progresses to the 2nd pic, I changed my mind and was like "wait I actually WANT them to look like they're in PPG and not my own artstyle" so I slowly draw both of them to look more like the ppg style if you understand what I mean??? Althoughhhh in the 2nd pic I still want him to look a bit like my own style with my own touch and despite how much I don't like the reboot, I actually like his gray hair on his sideburns??? So if yall remember that phase and followed me from way way in the early days of this blog, I used to draw Utonium with those streaks before I gradually stopped doing that because of.... actually idk why I stopped??? I should totally add the grays back because I love it actually lol but anywayyyyyy the 2nd pic was also around july too me think? So there's probably like a few weeks gap between the actual totally real not clickbait picture of Chloe and Utonium 'together'.

That was how my render looked like for a few months until november (the 3rd pic).

So in the 3rd pic, I discovered this very magical spectacular magnificent function on CSP called t E xt U r e and holy fuck, let me tell you, I feel like I am a changed person. I was never the cringe person with mediocre render like I was, this legit marked a cultural shift in me, I just feel like I've been blessed by god himself. I spammed the fUCK OUTTA THOSE TEXTURES like it was MY BUSINESS. i pAID CSP FOR FULL PRICE I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO USE IT TO ITS FULL CAPABILITIES AND SQUEEZE IT OUT OF ALL IT'S WORTH. Although I must say, my render time after that significantly increases. By standard I used to render around 3 hours? Now this bitch took 6 fuckin hours to completely. It wasn't a daijobu era ngl 😔😔😔

And holy fuck do I have a fuckin field day with it. You think I was a changed man back then? I have ascended, I am now r e b o r n. My friends feared my, my peers stared at me, my teachers are baffled by the amount of brainrot I drew at that time. How am I real?

I rendered like that for around 4 months until I discovered something even more cooler:

B L E N D I N G M O D E

Okay jk but hhh anyway for my current render; it's kinda more like an accidental discovery? I wanted to look for ways to cut render time because it was really tiring for me to render with a fuckton of texture layers and I also wanted to emulate my fav artist's render style soooo bad (it was luoman if anyone asked) and I kinda figured out how they did it? I mean they still do it better but like I was really inspired to be like them and lemme tell you, I cried for 3 days 3 nights unpaid vacation time when I figured it out. I wasn't kidding when I say I feel like I am a new person. I am quite pessimistic tbh, I'm insecure about my art but like this is the first time in like 3 years ever I feel like I did a major progress and I feel really good.

Why did I made this post? I actually dont feel good about myself, maybe because I am nervous about my test tomorrow and I just need a quick mood boost from myself. I don't believe I did any progress. But now, after typing all of my thoughts at 3 am, after I just put art phases of my braunrot together, kinda believe I actually did progress and I am proud of myself ;w;

#i didnt do any spell check because its 3 fuckin am #so im going to correct that the next day lol #but also i feel better after writing all of those haha #maybe sometimes I just need to sit down and not make myself feel bad for a second #and acknowledge my own achievement ;w; #asuka speaks #selfshipping community #selfship #selfshipping #selfship art #oc x canon #self insert #self insert oc #ppg professor #professor utonium #asukart

[mizuta]

far from it to be my style to post about hashtag mental health issues on main but like. look. ive& been psychotic as far back as i can tangibly remember (hallucinating at 10-11, cognitive symptoms and episodes by 13-14). its been a part of my life so long that like... in a lot of ways im used to it and coping with symptoms and my life grew around a lot of the symptoms. like a tree trunk growing around a foreign object as a sapling. something that pierces directly through the middle but doesnt really impact the trees ability to stay alive in any meaningful way.

so like in a lot of ways im used to being in my own head. my partner is good at recognizing that things that are distressing to me in episodes dont process whatsoever as distressing to me a good chunk of the time. when im acting visibly distressed it actually means my level of distress is at like, 200%. its fucking unmanageable. if im visibly distressed its worse than anyone could conceptualize because typically otherwise im just numb to a lot of it or its just default my reality that its not distressing in any meaningful way until after the fact.

but like im ngl just because ive spent all of my teenage years upwards trying to take up literally the least space possible to exist and never show 80% of my "unacceptable" symptoms to 99% of people does not mean it makes it any less uncomfortable or awkward to like. be the token psychotic in some groups. to have to be the buzzkill and shit thats like hey sorry heres my hyperspecific request of the year because im fucking insane.

its miserable in a fresh new way of like sorry to have to remind everyone that its not actually a funny character quirk or joke my brain literally does not exist in your 'reality' in any meaningful way and the further outside of it i am on a given day the more unpleasant youre going to find me to be around. ignoring the insane person talking aimlessly in public doesnt actually help me it usually just reinforces that youre not real and never will be if its a bad enough day.

its never intentional. like nobody is ever doing this on purpose. especially again because i spent so much of my life being very good at hiding it. but like... it sucks so much to be masking half the time and be a little too good at it so when you stop being able to people are always levels of uncomfortable or upset. it sucks when you cant articulate anything properly and nobody really knows how to understand what youre asking for. it sucks when you have multiple severe memory conditions and cant trust your own memory and everyone immediately questions your memory when you ask for anything or point anything out. like of course im just going to fucking fold.

i dont know where im going with this or if this itself is even that coherent i know it sounds super vague but it really isnt about anyone specific im just babbling about like years worth of garbage. i got so fucked over by fakeclaiming culture because unfortunately when i started really displaying symptoms i was a teenager trying not to kill himself and being fucking insane loudly in virtual public when that was apparently an "obvious sign of exaggerating" so i had to learn to shut the fuck up and now everybody loves to forget how much im fucking unwell because god forbid you think too hard about what youre saying around others.

thank god for my partner who is literally the first person in my entire life whos ever tried to understand and genuinely knows how to talk to me when im in a particularly bad delusion or hallucinating or whatever.

man. im tired. i found out this last month i probably need to get a cane when i move out and i still feel like im going to be appropriating shit because severe knee and upper leg paint and severe balance problems cant be that bad. i hate having memory problems so bad that i so easily can be told that i dont know shit and Y is actually what happened and i usually cant actually argue against it even if im so sure thats not true.

#miles organizer #;kaz #this actually isnt really that bitter im just. talking. miserably. about psychosis. #i think i should be allowed to just be fucking insane in public and everybody should just have to deal with it and stop being uncomfortable #(thats kind of a joke im just sad.)

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

!!! Someone else who gets just about triggered by 'smoothsharking' of any kind.

Like im autistic and I dont get jokes like that well because im bad at 'lying as humor' and all smoothsharking sounds like to me is 'haha person who doesnt get a joke time to gaslight them instead of explaining the joke!'. It sounds like ableism dressed up pretty and fine because its a meme.

Id argue it IS gaslighting because its intentionally insisting to another person that something is what it isnt. The effect is just about the same as gaslighting, even if they dont explicitly intend to make us doubt reality.

Id see people post 'of course being mean to people who doing get jokes is wrong, always explain the joke uwu' and like 5 posts later do a smoothshark so many times its unreal.

The joke is explicitly meant to come at autistic folks ('its to make fun of joyless assholes who insist on correcting you about things, especially jokes because they arent accurate') like thats literally autistic folks... do they not realize?

The joke isnt explicitly meant to attack those who have problems staying firmly in reality (dissociative or psychotic issues and such), but it is VERY unfriendly to them.

Its just so frustrating to try to explain or ever talk about this or even talk about things in a very serious context and have 500 people come smoothshark you on purpose even though they know it upsets you.

Its vile. The joke is just ableism and im just so tired of it. I dont feel safe seeing those fucking jokes I wish it would die already.

The person who started it had good intentions probably, but what its become is just socially acceptable ableist abuse.

Hmm. I'm not sure I entirely agree? I'm pretty firmly in the camp of "don't attribute things to malice when negligence will do". I think this joke was likely *meant* to be wielded against "people who absolutely need to have the last word". That....unfortunately includes a lot of people who aren't as likely to understand they have the option to bow out of the encounter. This is not a recipe for happy times for anyone. I'm...not really interested in litigating who's experience of being collaterol damage to comedy is worse/more immediate on this one.

But yeah, I think that the total devotion to the bit created some real conflicting access needs around the bit that did not need to be there. And I definitely experienced (and saw) people using it on purpose in ways that seemed really intentionally mean spirited rather than collectively entertaining. This was a bad combination because, as always, it very easily made "why can't you take a joke" a plausibly deniable dismissal of any time the bit was taken too far or used cruelly. Good cover for those who rely on social conventions to escape consequences for doing harm.

[jackienautism]

going 2 be real for a sec

i usually keep this stuff to myself since its super personal and i probably will just sound like a crazy person bu t i really just want to get something down and post it and MAYBE get some sort of like ? validation. that im not the only one who feels this way or does this LOL

so just. long story short. does anyone get like physically ill over seeing someone else like . engaging and doing "more" with a special interest slash interest youre really really into? like. just like 10 or os minutes ago somethting happened and i started lowkey shaking and shit (but maybe its just bc its real hot where i am rn but idk) and felt sick to my stomach all bc someone was engaging "more" with something i rly rly like and i just uuuuugh

ive had this feeling ever since i got into until dawn and the quarry lol...... this feeling has been occurring a lot less frequently than during like last year. which like. speaking of. when the quarry first came out the feeling came and WEEEENT....... ALLL THE TIME. like i wasnt even into the game that much yet but seeing other ppl engaging w/ and making content for it...... made me feel suuuper ill. or maybe was it when i first started getting into it? yeah i think it was when i first started hyperfixating. but anyway LOL IT WAS A TERRIBLE FEELING. AND IT HAPPENED SO OFTEN TOO

luckily its gotten a lot better in terms of the quarry. especiailly after joining tumblr and all. but until dawn? naaah its still very much there lol. as i said earlier, it doesnt happen as much as it used to (in regards to UD) but. it stilll happens. as i just fucking found out. ive settled down quite a bit now but good god

until dawn is such a dead fandom but theres just some things that when i see it it still makes me go wiiiild (negative). i dont know why. it makes feel so sick. and i dont hold it against anyone of course, it just affects me interacting w/ slash following people LOL! and it mainly has to do w/ sam and emily LMAO especiallly sam as ive come to find out.... i think its becasue ive projected sooo much of myself onto her that im like super protective and shit. like... shes not your fictional public character shes MINE. and thats not your public piece of media. its MINE. you know?

and its liike. i KNOW that there are ppl who are more into UD and have been into it longer than i have. i know that. and htat doesnt always affect me. but tthen therr are just osme other times where it seriously DOES and its just.... man. i wish i werent like this LMAO

i think thats like the. basis of it. im just. man. and its such a hard thing to shake off ): i know im just gonna have to "get over it" and "learn to live w/ it" but man!!!!!!

idk man. just seeing others "understanding" a character "more" than i do and seeing others do suuuuper in depth character analyses just..... ESP if its characters i rly relate to and basically projected every part of ,my being onto........ it makes me ill!!!!!! like genuinely!!!!!!!!!

and its like weird bc like. i was SUPER into mean girls the musical back in 2019 / 2020 and so forth. but i dont ever remember getting THIS BAD over others being "more" into it than i was. and this isnt just straight up jealousy. i know how that feels and its DEFINITELY not that. i truly dont know what makes until dawn / the quarry so different. maybe becasue this was the first time ive engaged more with the fandom? especially on tumblr? i dont know man. i dont kn ow

hopefully this makes sense. im just tired

#mine #text #vents #misc tag #not gonna force anyone to read this but if you do<3 thank u and please tell me im not hte only one who does or feels this LOL #[emma mountebank voice] ok :) i’m done #my thoughts

[goremet-chef]

its so cute i need to. ramble okay

in creatures of sonaria like. man. a year ago at this point? i made friends with someone and like. just by chance, they decided to add me to their pack and let me kill with them and like. I WAS NERVOUS im not known for. my social prowess 💀 but they liked me? and they added me as a friend and idk it was nice. like it was a group and i was kinda in the group? even if i was mostly quiet the whole time, i was still helping and covering for them yknow?

i didnt play for a while, i went from like. playing daily to playing monthly but i started playing again and i remember i think they invited me a few times to come play like with the roblox invite function but i wasnt online at the time and so. IDK i didnt think anything would come from it yknow? but. when i joined their server on accident, they added me to their pack immediately and said hi and im like SHOCKED. did i matter enough for them to like. feel the need to say hello to me and invite me to hang with them? IT. its happened more and more, i like to play with them whenever i can and i get nervous maybe im annoying them by joining them all the time but they always invite me and say hi, and its to the point where other people in the group also say hi to me and it

you must understand! im a fucking loser man, im not someone people get along with, im painfully awkward, i feel like an alien trying its best to act human okay. but it feels good, it feels like. NORMAL. we arent serious friends like i dont know shit about them, probably never will honestly i just like to wreak havoc with them. ive always been afraid of like. INFILTRATING a group, thats what it feels like!! whenever im accepted anywhere, im so terrified im latching onto false hope, im scared that im forcing my way in and im too happy to really see it. but. they say hi to me and they mess around with me and they JOKE WITH ME like. OKAY!!! im still quiet like 90% of the time but they know alright im busy playing the game, its not like i have much to say anyways!! its fun to be. social? like im too scared, fearing itll go so horrible wrong and bruise my already quite small and fragile ego, so when it goes RIGHT?? idk i just wanna. ramble about it cuz

i joined today and one of the other members said "YAYY looksee" and it. MY HEART... i like all of them cuz i hang out with them enough like. i really only talk to the one who has me added since they will actually say things to me directly but i feel like im opening up more? just a little, im still shy but. IDK knowing theyre like getting used to me? yay looksee?????? teehee!!!!!!!!! idk why it makes me so happy, i guess im easy to please if you show me the slightest bit of. positive acknowledgement im absolutely giddy. the bar is on the floor 💀 but i dont care!!

when have i ever made a friend on roblox? ive been called slurs and insulted and told to kill myself more times than anyone has ever like. tried to be my friend 💀 i get it, im not very welcoming, its not like i try to be. im friendly sure, but quiet, and if im in any sort of social interaction (which can range from someone speaking to me and not going away after they say what they wanted to say to literally just. something cute, like someone sitting with me or giving me some food) i cant handle it (i scream and close the game as fast as possible, my heartrate goes up im BREATHING HEAVILY IM SCARED... it was nice but. terrifying!!! i feel the obligation to stay and thats too big of a commitment OKAY... roblox creature you must understand)

ITS A LOT FOR ME OKAY.. and i mean. i know how my roblox avatar looks, ive been told its cringe enough times for one lifetime, im tired!!! i get it. catboy with a skirt ooo so scary. that boy is a faggot, yeah yell it louder at me.

the worst part about that is like. IT HURTS... i know i shouldnt care about what a child on roblox says to me in creatures of sonaria trade realm, but lord! it hurts. i dont socialize, ive had enough bullying!!!!! ive done my time IN SCHOOL. alright thats enough im good on the bullying. idk im just weak i guess I CANT HANDLE IT. im not good with confrontation, i wont come up with a witty response, ill just sit and wait for them to get bored from me ignoring them and leave me alone. ITS ROUGH. especially cuz its ALWAYS about my avatar, i look gay i get it, thats the point.

im a very like. ive spent TOO MUCH TIME kicking myself down over 'cringe' alright. i literally lost my interests and passion cuz i was scared of being cringe, wanted to fit in better. it made me MISERABLE. im very pro cringe i love it cuz? its only cringe if you suck, things that are 'cringe' i never find cringey even a little bit, cuz i like it when people are happy. but. i find it hard not to be a little embarrassed. its ROBLOX i get to look however i want!! i love silly roblox avatars okay, i dont want to be embarrassed about mine!!! im not a confident person, i wear it around because i like the image of this stupid catboy clothes on a very man shaped man alright looksee is my pride and joy i give him a little kis. but maybe they get the wrong idea? idk. i dont think so, i think they just dont like how i look. whatever. also my avatar matches with my friends really well so. its iconic to me!!!

still, like i said. its why i try not to play social games alone on roblox, im scared to be bullied i will admit 💀 if my friend was there, she'd tell them to kill themselves for me!!! but. shes not always there. i literally panic anytime someone runs up to me directly i sigh and say 'here we go again' cuz im waiting the imminent insults alright. IM TIREDDD so tired. they dont get him like i do. hes an avatar ive DRAWN before hes just an oc at this point, i wont ever change him cuz i like him but . sometimes it gets hard!!!

im so off topic here i just. NEED TO RANT A LITTLE cuz it. it does genuinely bother me but im too scared to like. VENT ABOUT IT to any of my friends cuz im absolutely sure some of them would roll their eyes, its just a game!! game is important to someone like me, game is the closest i come to like. living in a real social world, of course its important to me!! game is the easiest way for me to interact with strangers and not die of a panic attack immediately after 💀

WHATEVER im yapping i love to yap but. idk i just wanted to talk about it, im still so . it feels good to know that even if im weird and quiet, im not so weird and so quiet that people want to avoid me all the time. theres SOMETHING about me that they think is cool enough, like. well. i can overthink if i want to. maybe theyre adding me into their pack out of pity? maybe they dont actually like having me around but they feel too awkward to like. they feel like its gone too far now? in too deep? or maybe. im not as awful as i think i am!! maybe im weird and offputting but its okay :]

LISTEN. maybe this is normal for everyone else but its a big deal for me oky. ITS HUGE ACTUALLY. like just to have a mindless video game buddy? someone i dont even like. I DONT EVEN KNOW THEIR PRONOUNS BRO thats how little i actually converse with them but. like its not serious its just a little treat for myself, a little thing i can have. shaking like a chihuahua right now. its embarrassing to be so excited about it but. i dont do this sort of thing ever really, maybe im getting better? even if im not, ill still enjoy it

#this is so long dont read ihis GUHH #im rambling they call me the rambler #also ranter i do be ranting a little but . im allowed ive dealt with enough!!!!! #i need to get it out or ill EPXLODSION #like im unpleasantly stimming right now its too much for me GET IT OUT #i need to watch tjoc or something i need to be scared out of my mind and laugh about it i need. i dont know what i need

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

vent SORRY FOR THE CRYTYPING😭😭😭😭 it’s tough out here

i feel ill man why is everything so hard. why does it take five fucking seconds for my entire mood to snap into something terrible when i felt amazing just moments before. why am i so full of ugliness and why do i never say or do or feel the right things. what is wrong with meeee why do i hate myself to the point of nausea every time i look in the mirror . why do i only feel proud of myself when im limiting my food. why do i think i can do all these things and not be scared at all but then get fucking terrified like anyone would and have to hide it from everyone. all this to only ever be second best or sometimes not even that!!! people just take and take and take with no regard for how hard you’re trying and how much the littlest things mean to you and how much they could just ruin your day with just one action and ofc it’s not their job to worry about what will trigger me or hurt me but it just really sucks ya know!!!! everything takes so much effort for me bc of the trauma and the lack of social skills and the anxiety and depression and the etc etc etc but no one understands!! so much of my life is just me trying to appear normal but you never get credit for that because everyone just Is normal. and im not saying i deserve anything or im entitled to something good for trying to fit in i just hate how unforgiving it all is and im so tired and sick i just want to feel good consistently for once . everyonr keeps on hurting me and even when they dont i just get so anxious no matter wgat its all so hard. auhffggghhhhhhhh fuck

#.mei chats #.vent #tw ed mention #cw ed mention #cw anxiety #tw anxiety #cw depression #tw depression #cw ptsd #tw ptsd

[taeyungie]

em, well.. he called me today. the irony of it all is apparently when i was talking w/ that 1 guy after my ex years ago, i only told him cus he asked me out & i apparently said he didnt need to know that stuff and i dont remember ever saying that but he said he was hurt/caught off guard & therefore never shared any of his personal relations with me. i think i blacked those yrs out. i went thru a very bad & messy breakup and wanted a distraction, i don't remember him ever asking me out then but he said he remembered very well. i feel so fucking stupid. this basically all happened bc of me. and u were right, he said he /always/ had those feelings even after my ex but i felt they weren't there... so i never attempted anything until i built up our relationship again which is how it is now. but, the real kicker is.. i told him that i didnt want to be put in a position where if he was serious about me, that he'd talk to other ppl, but he said im basically asking for commitment and he cant give that to me unless i show that i'm willing to let him come see me or vice versa (which i just need more time for), until then, he's not going to tell me if he's messing with anyone but he said if things do get serious with someone, then he'll let me know to not lead me on. thats not what i wanted to hear. basically he's open to whatever happens with whoever, even if he cares deeply about me, but he cant promise to not talk to other ppl and i know its selfish, i just wanted him to wait for me, esp after all this time with trying and failing with wrong timings. the way he said "IF i get into a relationship, i'll tell u" gets me cause i'll only know if he makes it official, he said thats how its gonna be. and i honestly feel like i'll end up pushing him away cus the reality of that being possible hurts too much. he said he'll just have to accept it then. but even after talking i still feel as lost. i feel sad, ashamed i said those things i truly don't remember. but now i'm confused with my feelings. i know this is going to change everything. i can already feel myself wanting to pull away emotionally & put the guard i barely let down back up 😣

i am sorry sunshine :( but i'm really happy that you guys had the talk, you need to stay in contact with him no matter what, the silence can be the worst thing to do right now, so please try your best not to become closed off. the fact that you're both so hurt by this situation is so visible, my heart is breaking. although i really do understand both of you, and he is clear about what he expects and it's in your hands to decide what to do with it 🥺 you know... you have to understand that he is just trying to be happy too, just like we all do. it doesn't mean he only cares about himself, he was there for you through the bad times and he did wait for you, honey, but the thing happened years ago and he might be just tired of waiting, he just wants to find happiness and love too... i'm pretty sure he's probably just as hurt and confused by this situation as you are, but he cares about you and he wants to be with you, but maybe he cannot handle long-distance relationship, maybe he is tired of waiting, maybe there are other reasons he doesn't want to share because it's hurting him too much at this point, yeah? he probably started closing up on you because of that as well, that's why he stated his feelings in such harsh way. he probably doesn't mean to hurt you at all, he is just trying to protect himself.

so please, don't get me wrong, i may not be giving you the best advice or making you feel better which i'm really sorry for :( but i want to stay objective because the situation is tough, and help you understand how to deal with it, to look at your situation in a different light. I'm trying to guess what can be the issue and what you guys are going through, nothing I say is 100% right because I don't know the exact details and I will never know how exactly each of you is feeling. but what i know for sure is that one can stay strong for long enough, sweetheart :(

i understand that you might have blocked out the memories because of traumatic past and that is completely valid and I'm really sorry for what you went through, you deserve the best of love and care :( it's something he should be understanding about especially that he asked you out when you were still in pain, you probably weren't ready for something serious and i will allow myself to guess the guy you talked with was not considered as something you were serious about, right? you probably hoped for it, looked for it, but deep inside you probably might've been looking for a distraction, something to make you feel better, right? and since he was your best friend it was a different situation, although he probably chose to ask in a bad moment, he shouldn't blame you entirely for that and now act like it's all your fault, but i also understand why he was caught off guard and hurt by that, he was angry and jealous, he wanted to be with you and realizing you didn't choose him was probably very painful, although now he might feel like you realized you have feelings for him because you have no other options, and he wants you a strong and secure feeling from you to feel safe in it, but please don't get upset with my words, let me tell you something first, love.

Let me tell you a story, I myself also went through a similar thing and i also had to deny my best friend a long time ago, because of other reasons but one of the main ones was long distance, i never loved him but i cared for him that's another difference because your friend actually HAS feelings for you, but i know how my friend has felt when i kept explaining him why we can't be together, it made me feel terrible. yet, his feelings for me didn't lessen apparently, and to this day, sometimes, he still implies that his crush on me never went away. but in the meantime he was in many other relationships, serious ones and purely physical ones, while also not telling me much, i probably don't know about a lot but it's his life and not my business - my point is that, he also tried to be happy even while still actively hoping i would give him a chance, because he cares for me more than he does for the people he dated (but again in my story it didn't affect me because i never loved him that way). now picture yourself in our situation, he actually does love you but you guys can't be together right now because of some reasons, and he probably isn't feeling confident about your feelings for him because of the past events, which is why he asks you for "100% yes" or "100% no" right now. unless you give him an answer he waited for for a long time, he has the right to try and look for happiness elsewhere and not involve you in it, he might not be comfortable with sharing that he is having flings with others with someone he actually loves, simply because he doesn't want to hurt you, but it's just natural that he is looking for distractions, he is not looking for someone to replace you but he's also clearly not sure of your feelings for him, do you know what i mean now? he doesn't want the past to repeat, when he already waited for a long time, maybe tried to move on even. i know you don't want him to treat you like a 2nd choice and what i just said might look exactly like he's doing it but i personally don't see it that way, that REALLY is not the case, in my opinion it's the opposite and you are clearly his 1st choice, from what i deducted he also just told you that, but since you were/are out of reach he is trying to find other ways, even if it hurts him that they're not you.

don't close your heart up on him, honey. i know you're anxious and in pain, just try to understand his position, alright? you're both hurting a lot but you care for each other deeply and misunderstanding is not something that should be an obstacle, so please, the only way out of it is to talk to each other and be honest. maybe you could consider making some sacrifices to defeat things that stay in your way of saying "yes" , if relationship with him is something you truly want?

#I'm really sorry if anything i said wasn't right or hurt you or if i don't understand something properly. i really want the best outcome :( #thank you so much for trusting me enough to talk about it and to ask for advice. i really hope my way of thinking doesn't hurt you more #anonymous #answered #long post

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

Hello, Its been awhile I havent updated my blog. How is life anyway? Life has been…tough and fun at the same time. It has its ups and downs which I dont mind about it. I do have those days where I could cry til I get better. But there are days I feel happy. The thing is crying isnt helping anymore but thats okay. That is all I can do. Something about me is missing… and I just cant find the missing puzzle piece to make my heart feel better. Please Guide me to the right Path My Lord (Aaminn). Im trying my best to heal myself and make myself happy again but i couldn’t at the moment. I feel sad most of the time and sometimes i dont feel sad at all. I dont understand like what do I want? I honestly dont know what I want. My past especially my situation, I cant handle it. Its too much for me to handle it. Sometimes, I feel like Im drowning with sorrows of my past, it keeps crawling back to my life. The feeling guilt is still there. How do I get over this feeling? I am tired… I am tired of thinking especially of my past. I fucking hate it as if I am fuckinh drowning with my past. How the fuck am I supposed to heal and not feeling broken??? Fuck I am trying to live my life. I honestly do want to move on. Who doesnt? I do not love him anymore but I do miss his presence but i dont miss him. This fucking hurts guys. How do I recover myself? I miss the old me. I really am. Sometimes, I broke down into tears that I miss myself. The old me. The old me when I was young, Early 20’s. Fuck this song is so deep and it fucking hurts alot. Why the fuck did I meet this guy. Tinder is not a good app. Fuck me, how am I supposed to be happy again? I just want to be happy. My thoughts filled with sadness and negativity. I just want my positive thoughts back. It makes me really fucking hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I do hate myself. And no, I do not hate myself becus of insecurities. I hate myself becus of what I did, I couldnt believe what I did to someone. I never thought of myself for wrecking someone’s life. It makes me sad to think about it. I keep praying and praying…non stop praying, asking for forgiveness, asking for guiding me to the right path, asking for me to fall inlove again with the right person. I want us both to fall inlove with what Allah SWT shows us. Like how beautiful life is, how beautiful islam is. Islam is a beautiful religion, ever since the incident happened. I’ve been doing alot of research about Islam. How Allah SWT created us. How He showed us to fall inlove with Islam and how He showed us to fall for the right person. I just hope I get to see His Home which is Mecca. The most beautiful place I have ever since on the Internet. I just want to go there and cry my lungs out and fix me esp my broken heart. I just want to ease my mind and heart. That is all I want. I am tired of being broken. I am tired of being sad. I am not going to be sad for the rest of my life and no I do not do self-harm. That is not me, I have to be strong. I know I am a strong person infront of everyone but deep down inside me, I am not as strong as u can see. I cried alot. Once I am getting older, I feel hopeless and I cried alot. I just want to be young again… but I cant turn back the time. I have to move on and live myself. As what Fergie said “Big girls dont cry” haha BIG GIRLS DO CRY ALOT. But that is okay, I mean it is okay to cry. That is the only way for u to feel better. All I want is to ease my heart and mind. That is all I want. Ok that is enough. I wish I could show this blog to anyone but that is okay.

[tears-of-boredom]

she just has zero nuance. i talked about menial things like the weather and what we're going to eat? we astablished a connection. i talk about how it would be nice to do different things sometimes? im ready and cabable to do those things as soons as opportunity arrives. i dont fucking get it. im your daughter. you have to fucking know just how little you know about me. maybe i dont talk because everytime I try and explain why she's misrepresenting me, she literally starts to argue about how, actually no she's not, it's just how she sees the situation. and then my viewpoint gets forgotten. even me deciding to make a point and sit on the couch until 12, is now "yeah I talked to her and explained how important this was". no. i was trying to fucking show you how much of a corpse i look because I haven't slep. i was showing to not force me to do shit because i wont fucking comply. i was not answering the useless questions. i didnt have the energy to do so. like I said I wouldnt. also her reminding everyone how good my grades would be if I put some effort into them has become such a fucking trigger by now. give me a genuine compliment for once. oh wait you cant because you dont fucking knoe anything about me. me going to church on two sundays is not me being actually interested in going to church. its me trying to come up with anything to look forward to, and desperately just deciding to try if the christian god suddenly wants to help me. i know that there is no way for you to know that, and that to you it may seems like i specifically like the "going to church" part of it. but there is no way for you to know if your view is correct either. so dont fucking frame it in that way to these adults, who are no doubt going to take everything you say at face value. i prefer the buddy system they are planning over living away from home, because I can't see either one working, but atleast for the other i dont have to pack a lot of shit and be forced to sociliaze. the first time I was away, the staff commented how, at first I was really hanging around the others, but then later holed myself in my room. they are fucking idiots. of course I would try and please the adults, did you not hear the quiet but talented syndrome my mom diagnosed me with. and naturally i get fucking tired of having to humor these adults every day like its a fucking job. my wants did not change over time, I just realised that i actually could refuse on doing activities, and that people wouldnt see me as a bad child because of that.

i fucking hate adults. why do they trust my mom so much. why does my mom think that the therapy is working. why does she think my school absences are related to something so trivial as her not being home as much. and it's just so fucking frustrating how she technically doesnt state the things as facts, but she frames them in that way where it is so fucking implied that what shes saying is the truth and that she knows me and can tell shit by just observing me in an enviroment that has her in it.

i cant fucking see from these weird water droplets in my eyes suddenly.

she takes me being annoyed as like, me being really offended.

i just dont know what im supposed to say or do. I cant bring myself to actually open up to anyone who I'm supposed to, because my mom has made me think that no one will understand my words and will always take them the wrong way.

crying to see you again by miley cyrus is truly something. why me. why the fuck. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why. why do I have to live.

i just feel like i should do something but because i cant bring myself to do anything it feels like its my fault. my pillow is so fucking wet and im ugly crying in that way where your face twists to extremes and you cant stop it and I fucking hate life.

why do other people get to have a fucking life and I get this. sorry i dont actually mean that good for you if you have a life im just so fucking jealous.

i hate adults. none of them ever seem to realise that children are capable of humoring adults. playing along. theyre just so fucking stupid. and they probably all allistic as well. the ones in my "adults trying to help me" circle i mean.

it was also really painful how mom talks always like getting me to go to school is the top priority. like she genuinely doesnt see the mental health issues. she genuinely thinks I havent daydreamed about killing her. she thinks that me going to school is even on the table. ahe thinks that my mental health has just had severe downs, from which i recoverved from. she thinks i dont have trauma.

im tired. from the lack of sleep and probably all the crying as well.

im sad that I cant bring myself to kms. i dont know id just like to step out. quit the game. stop this bullshit thats happening.

#venting #sorry.. and also these are getting really repeating.. #tbh its expected. i dont change much..

[sw4tch]

going on a date this weekend and I'm nervous/happy/scared but mostly i am annoyed that my intrusive thoughts keep yelling at me to "call him your babygirl" because How Do I Explain To My Brain that that is unacceptable and inappropriate behavior on a first date

Like, it is because of my heavy internet brainrot but CMONNNNNNN can we NOT

If he turns out to be submissive and breedable down the line, then maybe we can consider it BUT NOT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! (for legal reasons that is a comment made to lighten the mood).

In all seriousness, the guy seems nice and he's very sweet, so there's that at least.

My honest to god expectations are on the goddamn floor bcus if i don't get murdered then i will call it a successful date. That's it.

But i just had a good cry rn bcus i kept thinking about how the guy isn't the person i love and it made me so heartbroken.

But that's why we're on the dating scene! To move on! To be more respectful to myself! To get experience dating and feel like a mature adult! To grow up! To stop feeling so goddamn scared of socializing outside my usual circle! To live life! To feel fucking alive!

Live Laugh Love babey! I am so sad when i think about how i am planning to yearn for the rest of my life!

But also this is so goddamn scary! What if i really like this guy!!!! When the fuck do i tell him I'm not a woman!!!!!! He will fucking hate me!!!!!!!!!! He will be disgusted, or on maybe the nicest scenario, be like "huh sorry I'm not into that, it was nice to have some dates with you though, no hard feelings" which Understandable BUT I DONT WANNA GO THROUGH THAT

I hate this i hate this im so nervous and scared and angry and most of all I Feel So Alone

I didn't mean for this to turn into a vent, i just wanted to gush about how excited i was but

But also I'm having Big Bpd Feelings About This

I'm tired of feeling like I'll never be loved and wanted

I want to feel wanted

Don't we all?

I'm doing this to myself for my own good.

I cant keep yearning pointlessly.

Right. Right. Right. We can't keep doing this snaily.

Our promise of happiness... Means working towards our own happiness.

Our happiness. My happiness. We deserve that too. You deserve that too.

We deserve to be selfish too. In fact, it's not selfish. We're not doing anything wrong.

We're doing normal things.

It's okay to take your bags and seek comfort somewhere else.

Is it?

I dont

I don't want anyone else but them.

Isn't that the problem? Is it a problem?

I want to go to see the stars too. The sky lighting up with flashes of light. I want to hold someone's hand as I do so.

I don't want to be left in the dark anymore, forgotten and thrown away.

It's okay. I'm giving you permission.

You'll go on a date and you'll have fun, and if things go right, you'll get the most out of this relationship and you'll get to feel happy for a while. And isn't that what we want? To feel happy for a little bit?

That's the problem.

You see this as A Phase we'll move on from. As we await patiently for our love to be returned someday.

Foolish, really.

Foolish, truly.

I don't know how to talk about this.

Here's

Here's the thing.

It's true you know. I'd be happy just by their side forever. Platonic forever. Friends forever and ever, nothing to separate us anymore, just growing old together as platonic pals forever.

But here's another truth: i don't want that if that means i will never be sure of their feelings.

Do you love me? Do you hate me? Are you disgusted by me, and that's why you don't love me? Is it because I'm ugly? That should be a valid answer. "You're ugly and thus not my type" that's valid, that's expected, that's understandable.

But i want to know. I need to know.

I want to hug them so badly. But they don't like that. Makes me feel dirty. It makes me feel disgusting. I'm a touchy person.

Maybe i used to be a touchy person. I hugged a lot. I like getting hugged a lot, but i don't touch people a lot nowadays if i can help it.

But i love getting hugged by people i like.

I can't keep living knowing they'd be disgusted by my hugs. Because Maybe they just don't like being touched. Incredibly understandable.

But i don't know that, so. Maybe i am the problem. Maybe they dont like my hugs especifically.

I don't want them to hate me for how much i yearn to hold them.

But that's why im doing this, to kill for once my feelings for them and move on. Because this yearning is painful and makes me feel so alone.

And when my feelings are dead and gone, then maybe i can finally stand by their side and be their friend forever. Just their friend forever.

And friends get to live different lives apart from one another.

I hate that, for some reason.

Let's go home. Let's go home. I don't have a home anymore, so Let's build a home yeah? Yeah? Isn't that incredibly selfish and depraved?

To want someone that feels like home?

I keep crying even though i started writing this in a much better mood than this one. I was excited about the weekend. Now I'm just.

Well, right now, i am deeply melancholic. But I'll be okay. I just needed to get this one out of my system.

I will be okay.

It's okay to mourn your feelings, snaily. I'm glad you sit with them and write them for me, so i can understand them.

You're loved snaily.

Im sorry you dont feel that way because of your bpd. Please be kinder to yourself. Your friends love you. And one day you'll find someone that loves every part of you. Down to the ugliest, most vulnerable parts of you. And they'll be home. And find home in you too.

For now, let's be strong yes? Let me hold your hand through this.

We'll be okay. These kind of heartaches are normal. Let them pass through you. This is so very human of you, how wonderful.

You're wonderful for getting to experience love in many facets. Even this, is a part of feeling love and loving. We're glad you get to love so much. What a tender soul you are.

I love you, you know that? I'll always love you. This week was hard, right? We deserve a little break. To relax.

Tomorrow we'll get to enjoy a good day. Groceries sure are a chore, but we'll get to eat a little snack. See? You're feeling better already. I love you. Thanks for taking the time to write.

I love you. I love you, i love you. Right now and in the future when you're looking back through these entries, i want you to know that i love you and I'm glad you exist.

I love you snaily from the future, snaily from the present, and snaily from the past.

I love you.

It's late, let's put on a calming video and fall asleep while we listen to it. It'll be a nice way to end the day.

Good night my beloved, good night

#snaily blabber #v ent

[tasteofthatgoodlife]

26 julio 22

Es tan dificil recibir todo lo que más habías soñado en la vida, y saber que no eres lo suficiente para ello.

Desde que recuerdo, fui una niña de 10. Sacaba la mejor calificaciòn porque id make my parents happy and that would make me happy. 

Nowadays, I dont know where my brain is. I dont know where my true being rests. I feel like I´m sitting in a dream, those where everything is foggy, you cant seem to make out what happens, and whats actually going on, but you feel something. Very intensely. And you try different things every day. To work through it. Sometimes they work. Sometimes your days are actually pretty happy and enretaining. But the core problem persists, its still there. And will always be there.

No matter what I do and what I try, I feel like I keep on shrinking. No matter how much I try reaching out, it’s like everything becomes clearer. I’m blank. Its not what i am, but rather what I’m not. I’m not what everybody else is.

I can’t think. Like I can’t even think. And the more life advances, i feel like i’m getting dragged by. Whats the point of getting one of the greatest jobs, if I’m not even able to do it right.

Whats the point of getting into one of the greatest universities, If i don’t have even the language or cognitive level for it. I’ve just been priviledged with opportunity. The cv really does lie.

It tells you I got honours for my bachelors degree. What it doesnt tell you is I went to a lousy school. Where there where barely any classes, and barely any reading.

Reading. It’s so essential. So important. I get jealous of all the books read in their university times. All the reading I could’ve done. It’s like I’m a car missing out parts. Shit. Fuck that. I dont know one thing about fking cars. Bad reference.

I dont know how to fking fit the mold. Theyre all lies. Yeah, I manifested into getting a job, and my fkin dream. It came true. But thats bullshit. None of that really matters when your own selse of self doesnt align with any of that.

And I’m tired, of people around me pumping me up. It’s dangerous, to tell someone they’re something positive to make them feel good, when it turns out to be a lie. Don’t lie to anyone, ever. Thats toxic positivity to me, right there.

I am entering a warzone unarmed. That’s what I feel. 

I can’t not go to the uni. Why? I dont know. What does anything mean anyway. What does getting a job, and going to university mean anyway. What is being smart. What is thinking. Why do we do all this stuff everyday?

I mean yeah, we do it to solve problems. Make life bearable. Do shit so we don’t die right away.

I really dont know what I am. Like I know in my core who I am, and all that really actually matters to me are people. My friends and fam, they’re the only thing in this world that make sense. 

But it gets hard. It feels like im in an acting scene, but I’m the only one who didn’t get the script. I don’t know what is personality. What is banter. What to talk to others about. What is anything.

Suddenly, I have no memory anymore. Like my brain is fried out. Maybe from the weed and alcohol. 

Like fk this. I have to forcefully depend on being something in society. But my society mask is so fragile, I dont’ know what part to play out. I dont know how to respond, interact. Where is my mind? Where is my creativity and intelligence. Where is my capacity to withhold information.

Suddenly, words are no longer here for me. I’m just existing. Being present. Getting dragged by others. I’m just standing there, letting the tide move me, side to side. 

I don’t understand what is happening to me, and why. The only thing that makes sense is my capacity to understand my own mental processes. 

I know, that if everything else fails. And i know I will probably be unable to keep my act up for much longer. I cant keep on pretending, i feel like someone will figure it out. Call me out on it. Finally someone saying that I’m incompetent.

I find comfort in knowing I can be useful. Thats the thing though. I dont have 0 confidence. I know I’m smart, but not the kind of smart I need. It’s like a thick glass wall separating my mind from the rest of the people. Those who really know me, understand. And love me as I am. But I cant reach out to others. Its like the real me is stuck inside this inner cave, screaming out “hey! I’m here! I exist! I think! I am!” but the words cant come out, and instead, there’s silence. 

A deep silence, a transference in the signal, broken chords, broken cables, that distort the message, and out comes the un-understandable.