#im trying so fucking hard to keep myself going but this is all literally just the fucking worst

[kingprinceleo]

Oh fuck me fuckme fuck me

#I'm going to start killing people #I need SLEEPY TYLENOL NOWWWWWWW #Mfer laying in bed for 8 hours full awake 🫠 eyes shut. Brain. ACTIVE #IM TRYING SO HARD TO SLEEP JUST BE UNCONSCIOUS #Too late now #Fuck me I have to be aware enough to not kill everybody in this vehicle #Mfing murder nightmare too what the fuck #Set the scene: YouTuber wedding #The man in charge of filming is an asshole to the minimum wage people working there #Like real mean. And one meek guy tries to tell the groom but the groom is kinda a dismissive asshole about it bc he's already paid the guy #So it's too late now. Meek guy keeps getting disrespected and storms out to the parking lot to just leave #Woman who has been witnessing this apparently is gonna kill on meek guys behalf. He does not want this #Woman gets into a fucked up death machine car and drives it into the groom #But not like. Runs him over. There's a fucking saw blade on the front that starts cutting through the bottom of his torso #He was screaming a lot. I'm not sure if he survived or not. But the atmosphere was not fun #Very muddy desaturated colors. Very wet and musty feeling. It was like almost a parking garage #I don't think I'll ever have a dream as scary as the um time-looping cannibal beach dream #But this was just the delightful cherry of not being able to sleep at fucking. ALL . #Literally cried I'm so distressed about not being able to control anything about myself rn #Hhhhh :((( #3rd night in a row I've slept like shit

[kyuala]

.

#tmi but i've been trying to consume less fanfiction so i dont always resort to escapism and fantasy when real life gets tough but #it's so fucking hard #like i feel so alone w no one to talk to rn and everything is so hard and im having family trouble and the past few weeks have been awful #and allllll i wanna do is read and fantasize abt how ppl from the other side of the world who dont even know i exist would comfort me #or distract myself w other scenarios that will literally never happen n all it does is feed into my discontentment when real life is a bitch #and inevitably fails to match imagination #not only that but it also has a real effect on my real life relationships (or attempts at them) and i know i cant keep going like this #but as someone who's been an avid fanfiction reader for over a decade.... yea it's hard 🤡 #this is not a pity party or a cry for help btw i just wanted to get this out and needed to dump it somewhere #feel free to ignore it! or not idk! do what u want #mari.txt #personal #tw negative

[sunsoak]

People give teenagers so much shit well i think they’re a lot more respectful and smart than you give them credit for. They can tell when you’re being fake or dishonest or don’t care about their problems, and that’s why they don’t respect you, because they know you don’t respect them either! It’s the biggest thing adults just seem to overlook when interacting with teens… like these are human people learning how to navigate an entirely new world of independence and responsibility and they’re having feelings that are so fucking big and it’s really a lot to deal with. And you just treat them like either stupid immature adults or overgrown children, and not the extremely difficult in-between they actually are…

#my feelings on this are so strong i feel like i have to keep working with teenagers in some way in my life #cuz oh my god i hate the way people feel about them #THEYRE TRYING SO HARD #sorry they literally just had to ask to go to the bathroom every day just a year ago and are now expected to sign a lease #all while having category 5 emotions about everything against their will #it’s fucking difficult #i promised myself when i was a teenager that i would never forget what it feels like when i grow up #and im sticking to that. because their feelings do matter actually #you were just shunning them for doing things they like when they were supposed to be doing their homework #and now you’re telling them to know what to do with their life and that they should have been thinking about this #like omg. give them a fucking break my god

[localdorkincombatboots]

Losing a family member or a partner is already literally one of the worst parts of life we have to go through but being the person(s) that have to also handle all of the legal, formal, and financial parts of it makes it so much fucking worse like rubbing salt in a wound.

Like here I know you're devastated and grieving but also you need to fill out assloads of paperwork and get things set up immediately and figure out how to pay at the very cheapest $1k for a cremation without even being able to give the person you loved a proper funeral because it costs thousands of dollars more, and having to call Medicare and all the other govt. places to report her death and so fucking much that has to be handled.

Honestly everyone needs to find a way to teach themself at least the basics of everything that has to be handled after death because your family or partner could be perfectly fine one day and then all of a sudden an accident happens like a fall or wreck and it could all fall on you to handle every single thing.

And not a single part of the process is easy which only makes what is already one of the hardest things to go through in life exponentially worse.

And, death is so extremely expensive. Literally the cheapest possible cremation we can find is $995 and that's no funeral or anything just straight to ashes in a box.

You don't want to be struck with such a tragedy and have zero knowledge of what will become your responsibility to handle and pay for.

I know it's awful to even think about your loved ones dying but not knowing what to do when it happens, because death is the one thing that happens to us all and it can happen at literally any time, will only make everything worse and harder for you.

If you know you will be responsible for handling someone's affairs after death, take the time to actually sit down and discuss how they would want you to handle it and seriously consider looking into some kind of life insurance, even if it's not for much, because creation and funeral services require payment upfront and this isn't something that can be put off until you can afford it. Wether or not they had a life insurance policy could be the thing that could completely fuck you financially especially if you were already struggling.

#death #dying #i dont know what we're gonna do im gonna have to make another post asking for help because we absolutely do not have $1000 #but it needs to be paid #im trying so fucking hard to keep myself going but this is all literally just the fucking worst #its been 29 and a half hours since she fell. 30 hours ago everything was fine and normal and we were just eating dinner like any other night #she didnt even get to have her dessert which i was literally finishing up making for her when it happened #i ran to her as fast as i could and i called for help and i tried me best to help and stop the bleeding but she hit her head too bad and #there isnt a single thing the drs can do except keep her as comfortable as they can until her heart stops #as she lays there twitching #no im not okay #i know there isnt anything different i couldve done that wouldve saved her but god damnit its all just fucking horrible #its been just over a full day since it happened and i still almost cant believe it fucking happened #it hurt so bad when i first got up and remembered i dont have to make her breakfast today #it hurt every single time i walked by or glaced at her bedroom door #or realized it was just a bit too quiet in the house cause her tv isnt playing the gameshows she loved to watch #or didnt have to make her a plate for dinner or bring her any dessert #jaye shut up

[finalhaunts]

Siigghh

#vent #idk man. feeling hopeless again #it is. so hard to be optimistic about the future when it is genuinely difficult imagining myself anywhere else but here #its difficult imagining myself getting out of this house that’s actually through a realistic scenario and isn’t just wishful andromanticized #my friends are trying to help me get out of here at least but is it even going to work out? is this all even going to be worth it? #idk. #imagining myself in a happier scenario genuinely truly does not feel right. it doesnt feel realistic. it doesnt feel possible. #and whenever I think about it I just feel weird because I know I can’t get my hopes up like that #the thought of myself being happy doesn’t feel normal. #i feel like i’ve just been stuck in the same place i’ve always been and i always will. both literally and metaphorically #i’m always going to be in this shitty house around my shitty parents rotting away like i have been for nearly 18 years now #and i feel like despite my age i haven’t actually grown up. I havent grown as a person or changed or anything. #i dont have any big achievements. i’ve never worked. I put off getting drivers ed for years until now #I don’t know how to cook or to do things the right way unless i’m shown #literally 80% of my fucking life has been spent in my room or in school #i feel like i’ve just been in stasis for years and the thought of actually having a life feels impossible. #i get the whole ‘you don’t want to die you just want an escape’ thing people say but I genuinely can’t think of any other way I could really #escape this. #the only thing that’s really keeping me from actually going ahead and killing myself is the fact that it feels selfish. i feel selfish. #because its going to hurt my friends and im going to feel even worse about it if i survive #I’m honestly envious of all my friends lives. why couldn’t i have gotten that lucky.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ugh. the fucking struggle of a thing i will not talk about. its just an off shoot of one of my many #obessive compulsive tendencies. it just makes me think of my dad. like hes also a fucking anxious person but hes like. i have the thoughts #but then i dont let them control me so its not an issue. and he knos i get caught up on the structure and identification of problems so #hes always like. its only an issue if its like ruining ur life. and hes right and i definitely meet the standards of both of those things #bc im fucking thinking abt these things constantly. its in my head literally all the time. every second of the day #and i mean i guess this specific thing isnt ruining my life but it certainly isnt helpful and in combo with everything else my quality of #life is not what it could b. idk it just feels all empty which is y i became a fucking workaholic #bc i just get so fucking bored stuck in these stupid patterns that at least i can make myseld useful as i drive myself nuts #it also doesnt help that im still trying to unfuck my leg and not being very successful bc theres this fucking voice in my head like #keep moving. u cant sit down. walk around. dont stop. dont stop. dont stop. i can feel the muscles getting irritated again #its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid #of bc i cant run. anyway its just irritating #i probably triggered myself by watching the bear all day lol. its so good but it reminds me of working in a shitty banquet hall when my #brain was on fire. and theyve got that toxic workahoism that i so desperately cling to. and in a weird way i can relate tho their fucked #up mom when everyones just trying to help but shes so fixated on this thing that's clearly causing her distress but shes just screaming at #them. like i mean i have insight into my issues and i try not to let them affect anyone but me but its so hard when its like. i have to do #this thing. i have to do it. i kno its bad. i kno its fucked up but shut the fuck up and let me do this. u dont fucking understand #but i wouldn't say that bc i kno its irrational. ugh. i also have to go to a lab dinner tomorrow. maybe #no time has been listed so idk. its for my leaving so im technically the focus. hate that for me. whatever. itll b fine #at least the place is within walking distance and its like less than 3 weeks until i leave #unrelated

[pepprs]

literally the only reason i am not in as bad a mental health place as i was in in december is bc i’m done w school now and i never have to go back or deal with being a student again if i don’t want to and also bc i know there is a high likelihood that there are some big important helpful highly desired changes on my horizon in the next few months and years. but i am really not doing good right now

#purrs #scotus leaked draft + buffalo shooting + dallas shooting + uvalde shooting + monkeypox + covid cases rising + losing my last 3 weeks of #college and graduation + losing my freedom for who knows how long and moving back home + friends and family getting covid + pushing myself #to the limit finishing my capstone + watching my loved ones suffer with the situations in their own lives = is it ethical to bring children #into this world is it reasonable to think that i will one day live with autonomy again and find a romantic partner and have a pet and enjoy #my life and see all the people i love doing the same. all ive been able to do this week outside of finishing school my job application etc #is doomscroll about the shootings and covid and monkeypox when i really should be doomscrollimg through my fucking save tag that i curated #specifically to counteract these situations and give me reasons to find hope but i don’t have the strength or see the point bc im only gonn #lose the hope again. but i know there’s a point but i can’t get myself to see it and maybe it’s bc km just so exhausted but idk. and one of #the WORST parts of this is that if the job works out i am going to have to understand that people will look at me differently part of which #means that people — STUDENTS like i just was 2 days ago!!! — will look to me expecting that i have answers or at the very least hope and i #literally do not have hope right now and after national events this month i don’t know if i’ll ever feel hope again. so it’s like fuck i #wont be able to do my fucking job that i feel called to do and want to do more than anything lol. but i already won’t be able to do it bc t #the chances that i can go to [insert convferwrnce] when it involves being on a plane and navigating people who won’t wear masks are so low #and * already snarked about it to me yesterday which really hurt my feelings like i don’t think she was trying to be mean but it’s like yes #the fuck i can hide in the van forever i do NOT want to get covid. but i also do not want to miss [conference] and it’s just so stupid that #im going to have to keep making these choices because this nightmare country has decided covid doesn’t exist anymore. idk lol #i know everything in my life could be a lot worse and also that it is objectively WORLDS better than it was very recently bc i graduated an #im done now. but this month has sucked so unbelievably bad and June is also going to be hard and im just scared i will never be happy or #hopeful again or that every time i am something new will knock it down (which is a given living in the usa lol) and that it would be #unethical to try to do the BASIC bare minimum things i have always wanted to do in my life. lole #negative tw #ask to tag #abortion tw #shooting tw #mass shooting tw #monkeypox tw

[fleshdyke]

skkdjrjskkdnr

#ed warning #i made the grave mistake of putting my liked songs on spotify on shuffle #bc a song about anorexia came on and it triggered the fuck out of me #im trying so fucking hard not to idealize that and to tell myself no food is as harmful as an ed #but im falling into the want to be sick mindset again and im literally fighting for my life trying to get out of it #like. i dont want to go back but its so fucking hard to resist #its so fucking hard to hold out and stay on the right track bc being in the depths of it all was so fucking addicting #i remember thinking at first why people said it was addicting bc it just seemed unpleasant #and it is it’s so fucking bad. but jesus christ seeing the numbers go down was so fucking euphoric #i dont think i’ll ever reach that high again #im trying not to go into detail here to avoid triggering anyone but jesus fucking christ i could go on for hours #i could just keep fucking going about how incredibly addictive it was and i want to go back so fucking bad but i wont i refuse to #god #rambles #vent

[pinkfilmcamera]

okay tw hard vent ig

#first let me start by saying i am in my pms so im sensitive #also im a year behind cuz i was born in the summer #anyway #man first of all fuck covid cuz it only made processing these things harder #literally having a breakdown cuz my last day is in 8 days #im in both my ‘she’s just trying to graduate’ and ‘has no idea what she’s doing in college phase’ #i feel that a lot of people might ridicule me for this but :( #i genuienly do not want to leave #its going to be so hard and im already drained from all the crying that’s going to happen #its so hard :( #im also literally doubting everything ive done in my life #and i keep beating myself up for wanting to write but not having any ideas/feeling completely unmotivated #also my existence here is absolutely pointless #sometimes talking to yourself is glorified #this is the moment where nobody by mitski hurts and its not a banger anymore #i feel so so shitty #not like anybody cares :/ #white ferrari — gee rants

[burningcomputerpersona]

person: *shows even the slightest hint of interest in music that I enjoy*

me: ah yes a new victim muhahahaha

#this is what listening to the wonder years will do to your personality #it's fun because it's so easy to steer the conversation into that direction #mention hobbies then music then ppl wanna hear it bc they haven't heard of it #then they express even the slightest bit of positive feeling for the music #and it's done #you have been caught in my trap #you will never find peace from me mentioning them every single time i see you for the rest of your life #i can't even think about the lyrics too hard because then I'll start infodumpjng to myself in my head #and then whoops it's been hours and I've just been hyping myself up thinking about how good the music is #i already know this information. i know it's good. i still need to scream ITS SO FUCKING GOOD THO in my head every so often lest i go insane #i haven't generated this much dopamine since I was in middle school and foaming at the mouth over fandoms #anyway if you're wondering what sparked this it's bc i made the mistake of listening to hum again this morning #then you're listening to wyatts song and thinking of screen door and whoops time to go listen to greatest generation in full again i guess #and do not even get me started on cardinals ii #you go from brothers & right into cardinals so it flows perfectly and then into cardinals ii and that is the peak of human emotion #i meed them to play all three in a row live and i need it to be recorded so i can listen to it even though the pure bliss may kill me #it just hits different when it's live bc in the studio version the drums stop when going from brothers & into cardinals #but the drums keep fucking going in the live versions there's an actual climactic peak where it fades right into the next and it is perfect #and they have live recordings going from brothers & to cardinals and cardinals to cardinals ii #but afaik they haven't played all three in a row yet. mayhaps next year...... #though experiencing that live would probably permanently alter my brain #yes i am aware that i am very insane about them i cannot stop it and it is incurable #actually literally better than drugs imo #anyway look at me getting sidetracked on what was supposed to be a short tumblr break between studying for exams #i probably shouldn't listen to twy when im trying to focus on something else lol #you get into music bc it's the only hobby where you can enjoy it without dedicating extra time to it #and then it ends up taking over your thoughts and time way more than just doing regular people hobbies would have done #music #mine

[yo9urt]

today i return to the sea

#mine #its my last first day of school (until/unless i go to grad school but thats way off if it even happens) #the rest of these tags are all just going to be complaints so keep scrolling if you dont gaf #ok first complaint. my schedule is stupid and awful i think #winters schedule was weird too. but this one kinda sucks #the main problem i see is that both of my main classes are in the middle of the day so theres probably going to be people eating #(i have mis0phon1a) #so thats number 1. 2nd problem is that those classes also have the grading scale where u need at least 95 PERCENT to get an A. girl! #they are also both 400 level spanish classes so theyre just going to be kind of hard and annoying and a lot of work in general #the next problem is that my other class is actually not quite a class it is a teaching practicum. which i didnt even 100% want to do #but the certificate could be useful so im doing it anyway. #one of the guys in that class (i know some of the students already from winter) eats like a hog for like the first 20-30 mins so thats goin #to be miserable i bet. also at some point im gonna have to teach a lesson myself #which is scary and also frustrating because again i didnt even really want to do this. WHATEVER #ok what else. ummmmm #oh i think i might be unemployed LOL normally my boss would have done schedule coordination stuff like last week but i havent heard from he #at all. this is because we are government funded and the government does not want to fund us anymore -_- suck my balls #and my hog too. so money is going to be a concern which is especially awesome because ive already been trying to save up #becaues im moving out this year hopefully so im gonna need $ for that and for probably upgrades like i might get a new phone and computer #and stuff etc. and i live in an HCOL area so even though i literally just buy groceries my bill is like $294358939358/month #SIGH. also of course the final problem on the list is the behemoth of them all: i have to apply for jobs #i made a little spreadsheet to hopefully make the process easier. but its going to be agony lol fucking resumes and cover letters how about #i just kill myself now -_- and fucking interviews too. fuuuuuck you suck my nuts and dick and balls #i dont know how im going to cope iwth any of this LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and also as usual i have like no friends so its just me going it alo #alone* in this big awful spring. 2 and a half months of this. #i suppose i will need to go back to the dispensary. #fuuuuuuuuuck man

[rookieseasons]

.

#delete later #this is a bit pathetic! #so #irls dont read mwah thanks #i dont want 2 just fucking vent on this blog all the time but literally why is everything so hard #not even everything im just so fucking depressed and its actually unbearable like i cannot keep going like this much longer !!!! #picked up self harming again and oh isnt that just great !! i will never be free of the bad choice i made when i was 11 !! #bc i was 11 when my mental health went 2 shit and now im turning 21 in less than a month and it makes me feel sick !!!! #it's literally not getting better i straight up think ill be like this for the rest of my life and i simply do not want to live it. #anyway! ill probably be fine! not gonna off myself bc i live with friends who got traumatised by our other friend trying 2 off himself! #fuck my life ‼️ #tw self harm #tw depressing stuff

[peachinspiration]

dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)

#im in hell #that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real #my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually #and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am #it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom #and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure #it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t #make myself take more than 2 bites #the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself #something. omfgggggggff #I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it #more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do #and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting #addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore #my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance #but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working #it’s like wtf happened #I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way #and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything #it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he #doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing #and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative #but now it’s like #🪿 #yk what I mean #there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into #my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help #him with anything too #I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or #I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

#sh tw #(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday) #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im cursed with being a bit too self aware so #i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things #(for legal reasons i cannot say) #and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard) #its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER #BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM #back to my point. #guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat #[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over] #[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG] #so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it. #could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that. #i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition' #really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else . #it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat .. #.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before. #...... #i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me. #it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything #so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way. #anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend #so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice #i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row. #лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together #(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really) #(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently) #so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING

[naturesreject]

…

#gotta do some classic tumblr tag venting because it doesnt get it out of my system unless i yell it to the void #but i am literally the most pathetic person on the planet #got dumped at the end of a really hard couple weeks #proceeded to have a really hard week after #god im not gonna kill myself but fuck if i dont feel like my will to live is being tested every day #i feel so exhaused and broken down #i just want to fix things but i cant #i told him i didnt know if id be able to keep talking to him after this but its all i want #i just want to go back to the way things were i miss him so much #i feel like i just continuously fuck up every good thing that happens to me #i cant stand it ahhaahahahaha #i know hes done though theres nothing i can say to fix anything no matter how hard i try #i hate it so much i hate feeling like this

[mkscatgirl]

:/

#literally what is the point in having hope and trying to do well if youre just going to do bad regardless #like everytime i have a good feeling about a course and i rhink i can actually do well i end up barely passing #but even if i dont feel good i still end up barely passing #like am i just to stupid to actually do well #am i capped out at just barely enough #i think i might actually get it and i do my best and i try hard to learn and but at the end of the day i cant actually get anything right #so what is the point of trying like actually what is the point #if im not going to get good results why should i push myself it doesnt matter im exhausting myself over nothing #if the best i can do is barely pass then why should i bother #like i try to keep my hopes up i try to stay encouraged to try and learn and do my best and put in effort #but i dont ever get anything good out of it so what is the fucking point #i might as well put in the bare minimum if all om ever going to get in the bare minimum #i feel so fucking STUPID why cant i ever get it?????? why cant i ever do better than the bare minimum????? #if i cant get it if i cant do it if i cant keep up why am i even here why am i even trying #i was to give up so bad but i also also dont i want to stay and try but i feel like i cant try i feel like im barely staying afloat #i hate this so much i hate that i care i hate that i want to try i hate i hate i hate #im so tired of trying and never getting anything for it i want to not care i want to not have to care #the worst part is is i cant just not care because i need to not fail things do depend on my grades #sometimes i think i should just drop out because i dont think i can do it but at the same time i would be so sad and regetful if i fid #so alas i keep on going i keep on trying but like WHAT IS THE POINT????????????