#its been a long month go away !!

[demigod-of-the-agni]

Spider-Man India, but... where from India?

A SUPER long post featuring talks of: cultural identity, characterisation, the caste system, and what makes Spider-Man Spider-Man.

I’m prefacing this by saying that I am a second-generation immigrant. I was born in Australia, but my cultural background is from South India. My experiences with what it means to be “Indian” is going to be very different from the experiences of those who are born and brought up in India.

If you, reader, want to add anything, please reblog and add your thoughts. This is meant to be a post open for discussion — the more interaction we get, the better we become aware of these nuances.

So I made this poll asking folks to pick a region of India where I would draw Pavitr Prabhakar in their cultural wear. This idea had been on my mind for a long while now, as I had been inspired by Annie Hazarika’s Northeastern Spidey artwork in the wake of ATSV’s release, but never got the time to actually do it until now. I wanted to get a little interactive and made the poll so I could have people choose which of the different regions — North, Northeast, Central, East, West, South — to do first.

The outcome was not what I expected. As you can see, out of 83 votes:

THE RESULTS

South India takes up almost half of all votes (44.6%), followed by Northeast and Central (both 14.5%) and then East (13.3%). In all my life growing up, support towards or even just the awareness of South India was pretty low. Despite this being a very contained poll, why would nearly half of all voters pick South India in favour of other popular choices like Central or North India?

Then I thought about the layout of the poll: Title, Options, Context.

Title: "Tell us who you want to see…"

Options: North, Northeast, Central, East, West, South

Context: I want to make art of the boy again

At first I thought: ah geez. this is my fault. I didn't make the poll clear enough. do they think I want them to figure out where Pavitr came from? That's not what I wanted, maybe I should have added the context before the options.

Then I thought: ah geez. is it my fault for people not reading the entire damn thing before clicking a button? That's pretty stupid.

But regardless, the thought did prompt a line of thinking I know many of us desi folk have been considering since Spider-Man India was first conceived — or, at least, since the announcement that he was going to appear in ATSV. Hell, even I thought of it:

Where did Spider-Man India come from?

FROM A CULTURALLY DIVERSE INDIA

As we know, India is so culturally diverse, and no doubt ATSV creators had to take that into account. Because the ORIGINAL Spider-Man India came from Mumbai — most likely because Mumbai and Manhattan both started with the same letter.

But going beyond that, it’s also because Mumbai is one of the most recognisable cities in India - it’s also known as Bombay. It’s where Bollywood films are shot. It’s where superstar Hindi actors and actresses show up. Mumbai is synonymous with India in that regard, because the easiest way Western countries can interact with Indian culture is through BOLLYWOOD, through HINDI FILMS, through MUMBAI. Suddenly, India is Mumbai, India is a Hindi-only country, India is just this isolated thing we see through an infinitely narrow lens.

We’ve gotten a little better in recent years, but boy I will tell you how uncomfortable I’ve gotten when people (yes, even desi people) come up to me and tell me, Oh, you’re Indian right? Can you speak Hindi? Why don’t you speak Hindi? You’re not Indian if you don’t speak Hindi, that’s India’s national language!

I have been — still am — so afraid of telling people that I don’t speak Hindi, that I’m Tamil, that I don’t care that Hindi is India’s “national” language (it’s an administrative language, Kavin, get your fucking facts right). It’s weird, it’s isolating, and it has made me feel like I wasn’t “Indian” enough to be accepted into the group of “Indian” people.

So I am thankful that ATSV went out of their way to integrate as much variety of Indian culture into the Mumbattan sequence. Maybe that way, the younger generation of desi folk won’t feel so isolated, and that younger Western people will be more open to learning about all these cultural differences within such a vast country.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SPIDER-MAN INDIA?

Everything, actually. There’s a thing called supremacy. You might have heard of it. We all engaged with it at some point, and if you are Indian, no matter where you live, it is inescapable.

It happens the moment you are born — who your family is, where you are born, the language you speak, the colour of your skin; these will be bound to you for life, and it is nigh impossible to break down the stereotypes associated with them.

Certain ethnic groups will be more favourable than others (Centrals, and thus their cultures, will always be favoured over than Souths, as an example) and the same can be said for social groups (Brahmins are more likely to secure influential roles in politics or other areas like priesthood, while the lowers castes, especially Dalits, aren’t even given the decency of respect). Don’t even get me started on colourism, where obviously those of fairer skin will win the lottery while those of darker skin aren’t given the time of day. It’s even worse when morality ties into it — “lighter skinned Indians, like Brahmins, embody good qualities like justice and wisdom”, “dark skinned Indians are cunning and poor, they are untrustworthy”. It’s fucking nuts.

This means, of course, you have a billion people trying to make themselves heard in a system that tries to crush everyone who is not privileged. It only makes sense that people want to elevate themselves and break free from a society that refuses to acknowledge them. These frustrations manifest outwardly, like in protests, but other times — most times — it goes unheard, quietly shaping your way of life, your way of thinking. It becomes a fundamental part of you, and it can go unacknowledged for generations.

So when you have a character like Pavitr Prabhakar enter the scene, people immediately latch onto him and start asking questions many Western audiences don’t even consider. Who is he? What food does he eat? What does he do on Fridays? What’s his family like, his community? All these questions pop up, because, amidst all this turmoil going on in the background, you want a mainstream popular character to be like you, who knows your way of life so intimately, that he may as well be a part of your community.

BUT THAT'S THE THING — HE'S FICTIONAL

I am guilty of this. In fact, I’ve flaunted in numerous posts how I think he’s the perfect Tamil boy, how he dances bharatanatyam, how he does all these Tamil things that no one will understand except myself. All these niche things that only I, and maybe a few others, will understand.

I’ve seen other people do it, too. I’ve seen people geek out over his dark brown skin, his kalari dhoti, how he fights so effortlessly in the kalaripayattu martial arts style. I’ve seen people write him as Malayali, as Hindi, as every kind of Indian person imaginable.

I’ve also seen him be written where he’s subjected to typical Indian and broader Asian stereotypes. You know the ones I’m so fond of calling out. The thing is, I’ve seen so much of Pavitr being presented in so many different ways, and I worry how the rest of the desi folk will take it. 

You finally have a character who could be you, but now he’s someone else’s plaything. Your entire life is shaped by what you can and can’t do simply because you were born to an Indian family, and here’s the one person who could represent you now at the mercy of someone else’s whims. He’s off living a life that is so distant from yours, you can hardly recognise him.

It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, yeah? But, again, you’re looking at it from that infinitely narrow lens Westerners use to look at India from Bollywood.

AND PAVITR PRABHAKAR DOESN'T LIVE IN INDIA

He lives in Mumbattan. He lives in a made-up, fictional world that doesn’t follow the way of life of our world. He lives in a city where Mumbai and Manhattan got fucking squashed together. There are so many memes about colonialism right there. Mumbattan isn’t real! Spider-Man India isn’t real!! He’s just a dude!! The logic of our world doesn’t apply to him!!!

“But his surname originates from ______” okay but does that matter?

“But he’s wearing a kalari dhoti so surely he’s ______” okay but does that matter?

“But his skin colour is darker so he must be ______” okay but does that matter?

“But he lives in Mumbai so he must be ______” okay but does that matter?

I sound insensitive and brash and annoying and it looks like I’m yapping just for the sake of riling you up, so direct that little burst of anger you got there at me, and keep reading.

Listen. I’m going to ask you a question that I’ve asked myself a million times over. I want you to answer honestly. I want you to ask this question to yourself and answer honestly:

Are you trying to convince me on who Pavitr Prabhakar should be?

... but why shouldn't i?

I’ll tell you this again — I did the same thing. You’re not at fault for this, but I want you to just...have a little think over. Just a little moment of self-reflection, to think about why you are so intent on boxing this guy.

It took me a while to reorganise my thinking and how to best approach a character like Pavitr, so I will give you all the time you need as well as a little springboard to focus your thoughts on.

SPIDER-MAN (INDIA) IS JUST A MASK

“What I like about the costume is that anybody reading Spider-Man in any part of the world can imagine that they themselves are under the costume. And that’s a good thing.”

Stan Lee said that. Remember how he was so intent on making sure that everybody got the idea that Spider-Man as an entity is fundamentally broken without Peter Parker there to put on the suit and save the day? That ultimately it was the person beneath the mask, no matter who they were, that mattered most?

Spider-Man India is no less different. You can argue with me that Peter Parker!Spidey is supposed to represent working class struggles in the face of leering corporate entities who endanger the regular folk like us, and so Pavitr Prabhakar should also function the same way. Pavitr should also be a working class guy of this specific social standing fighting people of this other social standing.

But that takes away the authenticity of Spider-Man India. Looking at him through the Peter Parker lens forces you to look at him through the Western lens, and it significantly lessens what you can do with the character — suddenly, it’s a fight to be heard, to be seen, to be recognised. It’s yelling over each other that Pavitr Prabhakar is this ethnicity, is that caste, this or that, this or that, this or that.

There’s a reason why he’s called Spider-Man India, infuriatingly vague as it is. And that’s the point — the vagueness of his identity fulfils Lee’s purpose for a character that could theoretically be embodied by anyone. If he had been called “Spider-Man Mumbai”, you cut out a majority of the population (and in capitalist terms, you cut out a good chunk of the market).

And in the case of Spider-Man India? Whew — you’ve got about a billion people imagining a billion different versions of him.

Whoever you are, whatever you see in Pavitr, that is what is personal to you, and there is nothing wrong with that, and I will not fault you for it. I will not fault you for saying Pavitr is from Central due to the origins of his last name. I also will not fault you for saying Pavitr is from South due to him practising kalaripayattu. I also will not fault you for saying he is not Hindu. I also will not fault you for saying he is a particular ethnicity without any proof.

What I will fault you for is trying to convince me and the others around you that Pavitr Prabhakar should be this particular ethnicity/have this cultural background because of some specific reason. I literally don’t care and it is fundamentally going against his character, going against the “anyone can wear the mask” sentiment of Spider-Man. By doing this, you are strengthening the walls that first divided us. You’re feeding the stratification and segmentation of our cultures — something that is actually not present in the fictional world of Mumbattan.

Like I said before: Mumbattan isn’t real, so the divides between ethnicities and cultural backgrounds are practically nonexistent. The best thing is that it is visually there for all to see. My favourite piece of evidence is this:

It’s a marquee for a cinema in the Mumbattan sequence, in the “Quick tour: this is where the traffic is” section. It has four titles; the first three are written in Hindi. The fourth title is written in Tamil. You go to Mumbai and you won’t see a single shred of Tamil there, much less any other South Indian language. Seeing this for the first time, you know what went through my head?

Wow, the numerous cultures of India are so intermingled here in Mumbattan! Everyone and everything is welcome!

I was happy, not just because of Tamil representation, but because of the fact that the plethora of Indian cultures are showcased coexisting in such a short sequence. This is India embracing all the little parts that make up its grander identity. This scene literally opened my eyes seeing such beauty in all the diverse cultures thriving together. In a place where language and cultural backgrounds blend so easily, each one complementing one another.

It is so easy to believe that, from this colourful palette of a setting, Pavitr Prabhakar truly is Spider-Man India, no matter where he comes from.

It’s easy to believe that Pavitr can come from any part of India, and I won’t call you out if the origin you have for him is different from the origin I have. You don’t need to stake out territory and stand your ground — you’re entitled to that opinion, and I respect it. In fact, I encourage it!!!

Because there’s only so much you can show in a ten minute segment of a film about a country that has such a vast history and even greater number of cultures. I want to see all of it — I want him to be a Malayali boy, a Hindi boy, a Bengali boy, a Telugu boy, an Urdu boy, whatever!! I want you to write him or draw him immersed in your culture, so that I can see the beauty of your background, the wonderful little things that make your culture unique and different from mine!

And, as many friends have said, it’s so common for Indian folks to be migrating around within our own country. A person with a Maharashtrian surname might end up living in Punjab, and no one really minds that. I’m actually from Karnataka, my family speaks Kannada, but somewhere down the line my ancestors moved to Tamil Nadu and settled down and lived very fulfilling lives. So I don’t actually have the “pure Tamil” upbringing, contrary to popular belief; I’ve gotten a mix of both Kannada and Tamil lifestyles, and it’s made my life that much richer. 

So it’s common for people to “not” look like their surname, if that’s what you’re really afraid about. In fact, it just adds to that layer of nuance, that even despite these rigid identities between ethnicities we as Indian people still intermingle with one another, bringing slivers of our cultures to share with others. Pavitr could just as well have been born in one state and moved around the country, and he happens to live in Mumbattan now. It’s entirely possible and there’s nothing to disprove that.

We don’t need to clamber over one another declaring that only one ethnicity is the “right” ethnicity, because, again, you will be looking at Pavitr and the rest of India in that narrow Western lens — a country with such rich cultural variety reduced to a homogenous restrictive way of life.

THE POLL: REINTERPRETED

This whole thing started because I was wondering why my little poll was so skewed — I thought people assumed I was asking them where he came from, then paired his physical appearance with the most logical options available. I thought it was my fault, that I had somehow influenced this outcome without knowing.

Truth is, I will never really know. But I will be thankful for it, because it gave me the opportunity to finally broach this topic, something that many of us desi folk are hesitant to talk about. I hope you have learned something from this, whether you are desi or a casual Spider-Man fan or someone who just so happened to stumble upon this. 

So just…be a little more open. Recognise that India, like many many countries and nations, is made up of a plethora of smaller cultures. And remember, if you’re trying to convince Pavitr that he’s a particular ethnicity, he’s going to wave his hand at you and say, “Ha, me? No, I’m one of the people that live here in the best Indian city! I’m Spider-Man India, dost!”

(Regardless, he still considers you a friend, because to him, the people matter more to him than you trying to box him into something he’s not.)

#long post + more tags that kinda spiral away BUT expand on the points above AND kinda puts everything together concisely #BROS THIS IS AN HONEST TO GOD ESSAY #THAT HAS BEEN COOKING IN MY HEART FOR A WHILE NOW. SIMMERING FOR MONTHS BEFORE FINALLY BOILING OVER IN THE LAST WEEK #genuinely hope you read MOST of it because yes it has Quite A Lot Of Exposition but it all matters nonetheless #put in a lot of thought into this so i expect you to do your part and challenge your thoughts as well #you see how i'm not asking for you to listen to me. but to actually Think. i want you to cook your thoughts and add some spice and flavour #and give it a good mix so you can come out of this a little more wiser than before #because!!! yeah!!!! spider man india is just that!! he's indian!!!!! we don't need to collectively agree on where he comes from #bc it gets rid of that relatability factor of spider man. at the most basic level #think of it as a schrodinger's. he is every single culture and none of them at the same time. therefore none of us are wrong!! sick!!!! #pavitr's first priority is making sure HIS PEOPLE are safe. that's probably as far as we can go that relates him back to peter parker spide #he loves his people and working in the name of justice to FIGHT for HIS PEOPLE is just the duty/responsibility he takes up #it makes sense that he loves everyone and every culture he engages with bc that's the nature of spider man i suppose #if peter parker spidey acts as the guardian for the regular folk.. then in my mind pavitr spidey stands as the bridge uniting the people #because society as its core is very fragmented. and having pavitr act as a connection to other folks.... mmmmm beautiful #that's what i'm talking abouttttt !!! #anyways guys this is literally 3001 words on my document EXCLUDING THE TITLE. THAT'S 7 PAGES AT 11pt FONT. i'm literally cryingggg wtf #pavitr prabhakar #spider man #spider man india #desi #desiblr #atsv #across the spiderverse #atsv pavitr #indian culture #india #desi tumblr #what the fuck do i tag this as #agnirambles

[redrobin-detective]

I’ve been kind of brain dead for ideas lately but an old one that I was batting around the other day was, following Jack Drake’s death everyone was scrambling to figure out what to do with Tim. Bruce wanted to adopt him, Dana was going to take him when she was well enough, Dick probably threw his hat into the ring to give the kid options.

Now Tim has this grand scheme to circumvent all this by hiring an actor to portray a made-up uncle but he looks out at the city one night and is Tired. This city stole his peace, bits of his flesh, his friends and now his dad. Suddenly he doesn’t want to live there anymore. He makes a phone call and a few days later, he’s on a bus to Smallville to be fostered by Martha Kent.

Kon was a little surprised at the call but Martha didn’t hesitate to sign those papers. She’d seen the fallout of Tim when his mother died, if no one else would take care of Tim then she would. He arrives with a backpack full of clothes and a U-Haul of computer equipment which he sets up in the back guest room barely leaving room for a bed.

He goes to Smallville High with Conner, eats an early, homemade dinner by Ma who kisses his forehead before he Zetas back to Gotham for patrol. He’s still Robin, still fights and bleeds for Gotham. But he can’t live there, not right now. Bruce is doing his pouty hurt dad routine, Dick thinks he’s trying to make a move on Kon but really Tim is tired of the brutality of the city and wants some peace for once in his life. He Zetas back early in the morning, quietly knocks on Ma’s door so she knows he’s back and heads to bed.

His allergies give him hell in the country but he still insists on helping Kon with chores. Conner laughs at how badly he fumbles through livestock feeding and crop tending and starts working on ways to make it more efficient. He sleeps through class and spars out in the open fields and, when he’s feeling homesick, Kon will fly him real high and drop him and he can pretend like he’s just dived off a skyscraper. Martha reminds him to eat, to sleep, to wash behind his ears and stop looking at gruesome crime scene photos at the dinner table. Tim’s never had a happy, normal family situation. It unnerves him but it soothes him too as he works, really works, on some of his more self-destructive habits. For Ma’s sake. Martha knows this is only temporary, that Tim can’t, won’t, stay away from Gotham forever. But she drapes a blanket over his shoulder where he’s fallen asleep 5 minutes into a movie on the couch and brushes his hair out of his sleep deprived eyes. She loves Bruce like a second son but Tim is her baby now too and she’ll tear B to shreds if he doesn’t properly care for Tim when he returns.

Kon and Tim, who’d been kind of dancing around their feelings for years, are now in an equally strange dynamic of ‘are we brothers now? are you just a bud crashing indefinitely at my house? we come and go from Titans Tower together what does everyone THINK is happening???’ and settle for just doing nothing. They do stay up late on nights Tim isn’t in Gotham talking about bad tv shows and how lame school is and rocket ships and the latest supervillain scandal. As weird as the situation is, Tim looks happier and healthier than he has in ages. Plus it’s kinda rad to have a sleepover with your best friend every night. As far as he is concerned, Tim never has to step foot in Gotham again.

Clark comes back to the farm from a long space mission to find Batman’s latest sidekick typing up a storm typing on a computer with one hand and stirring soup with the other. “Sup,” Tim mumbles as he remains focused on both his tasks. “Sorry, guest room is mine now. I’d offer it up but it’s a pretty tight fit in there with all my gear.” And that’s how he found out his Mom may or may not have legally kidnapped Batman’s sorta maybe I guess not kid from under his nose and he’s Clark’s unofficial little brother. All he knows is Bruce is going to be a nightmare at the next League meeting.

#first thought of this when writing secret robin #when exploring options of where Tim could go #and the idea of him fleeing the city and going to smallville with his best friend #its a bit sweet #Tim loves his city but hes been through a lot and maybe a kid wants some stability #wants a parent who Knows but accepts him weird quirks and all #so long as they don't affect his health #she feeds him cookies and pets his hair and listens to him geek out on music and cold cases #he doesn't think he'll be able to stay away from gotham for long #but right now this is nice #Martha Kent will throw down with Batman to keep Tim safe #Clark is very confused #he calls Tim scamp one time and Tim's like Mr Kent dont do that #anyway yeah weird au thoughts Im thinking again like 4 months later

[pleasantmsp]

I love Beauyasha so much. I miss them so much.

The reunion gave me so much joy and now I'm in this weird happy but melancholy state. I love the Nein so much and I want more of them. And I especially want more of Beau and Yasha. If we get a Fjorester wedding one shot, I will be stoked. But then also give me the Beauyasha wedding too!

I'm really just hoping they keep doing these little reunions cause I love the Mighty Nein so much and seeing them makes me so happy.

#critical role #cr spoilers #beauyasha #the mighty nein #echoes of the solstice #and the rest of the tags are a rant #got a bit carried away lol #my depression has been real bad for the past like 9 months and i dont have the money or resources to go to therapy #so i am in a real interesting head space lately #this one shot gave me so much joy #i haven't felt that engaged and excited and happy in a long time #but now that its over that feeling is being joined by (like i said) this weird melancholy that i've never felt in this way before #tm9 mean so much to me #beauyasha means so much to me #especially in these times with the strikes and all the cancelations of wlw inclusive media #i've been trying to get back into c3 but getting through those first arcs is proving difficult #bh just doesn't feel the same as the m9 to me which is fine but sad in a way #cause I feel like there's still so much the nein could do and participate in #i definitely understood what ashley meant when she said she didn't feel like she was done with yasha #i feel the same #so i hope they keep doing these one shots and i hope they release some news on the animated show soon #and here's hoping that as I catch up on bh i can come to love them even half as much as tm9 #cause that'd be enough to keep me coming back and then some

[drella]

hey guys have u guys heard abt the darkness that’s on the edge of town……..

#TN ILL BE ON THAT HILL CAUSE I CANT STOP ILL BE ON THAT HILL W EVERYTHING I GOT LIVES ON THE LINE WHERE DREAMS ARE FOUND AND LOST ILL BE #THERE ON TIME AND ILL PAY THE COST FOR WANTING THINGS THAT CAN ONLG BE FOUND IN THE DARKNESS ON THE EDGE OF TOWN 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ #hai tumblr it’s been so long………. #moved so far away to a new college and it has been so wonderful and beautiful and perfect yayyyyyyyy :D ^_^ #i got an awesome internship and i’ve been making friends and taking sick urban studies class and i’m so happy and proud of myself ehehehe!!! #I AM SO WOERIED IM GONNA FAIL ALL OF MY CLASS ACTUALKY THO LOL #and my adderall has been iffy or my tolerance is fucked or SOMETHING BUT ITS OKAY ITS OKAY THERES A DARKNESS ON THE EDGE OF TOWN #bruce is playing near me in like a month and i wanna go SOOOO BADDDDDD i saw him last february it was MAGICAL #TIL SOMEDAY THEY CUT IT LOOSE CUT IT LOOSE OR LET IT DRAG EM DOWN WHERE NO ONE ASKS ANY QUESTIONS OR LOOKS TOO LONG IN UR FACE IN THE DARKNE #SS ON THE EDGE OF TOWN 🗣️🗣️🗣️ #em.txt #bruce springsteen

[merevide]

hiiiii i have returned from the depths of the underworld (self imposed hiatus) (3 week break that felt like 3 years)

#posting this then going 2 bed so i actually have incentive to start posting again i’ve been meaning to for like. two days now LOL #i’ve just been genuinely stressed LMAO but i started reading a new book n getting into new media so things mightttt be okay. #u know its been a wild time if smth convinced me to take a break from tumblr for like a month #n it was lmao. first it was the fatigue then it was the health issues which the fatigue stemmed from #then it was doing work n then it was literally nobody cares am i alive yes am i doing well sure(?) #am i gonna be active WE'LL SEE #genuinely missed my mutuals which is why i was bad at this i still checked in from time 2 time just did not post #im like 5 days off of this being an actual month long break but i was like waittt lemme post smth before #the month ends i dont wanna skip february so yeah #tldr most chronically online person ever thinks that like 3 weeks away from her blog is like 3 years. iam right #my text #🍅🍅🍅 this was a long rant boooooo get off the stage #i probs sound like a hectic mess bc i am anyway goodnight happy bhm happy valentines happy february hope it has been kind

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!! #i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17? #ive had a good well paying job since i was 18. #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here. #i might never have this kind of job security again. #but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible? #but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey! #if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭 #so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-] #unrelated

[theygender]

The management at my old apartment stole my fucking bike

#apparently theyve been mass 'confiscating' bikes off peoples porches without telling anyone that theyre taking them #i dont know how long mine has been gone bc i didnt notice it was missing until i went to load it into my car to move it #but if its been more than (i think) 30 days then it would be considered forfeit and they would have already sold/claimed/trashed it by now #my gf and i saw a whole pile of 20+ confiscated bikes near the maintenance building but it doesnt look like mine was in it #i called them today to ask about it and they told me that for them to look for it i would need to provide a photo to prove its mine?? #its MY bike! you stole it off my porch. how tf was i supposed to know that i needed to take a picture of it beforehand #they told us we can go check out the pile so me and my gf are gonna go look more thoroughly now that we're officially allowed #but if its IN the maintenance building we wont be able to find it #and if they already sold it or took it home with them or threw it away then it also wont be there #and i cant even ask them to confirm when they took it / if its already gone #bc it looks like theyve been doing this with dozens of bikes over the past few months so how would they even remember one specific one #what the fuck #rambling #also to be clear: they arent being confiscated BECAUSE theyre on the porches #the bikes are supposed to be under the stairwell and thats where mine was #my neighbors who leave their kids bikes piled on their side in the yard got to keep theirs #theyve been doing unscheduled porch painting without any sort of warning or notice on and off since like december tho #so my only guess is that they decided since they werent giving us any notice to move our stuff off the porch ahead of time #they decided to just move straight into confiscating everything off of the porches and hoping no one would call them out on it #which is fucking bullshit

[arvoze]

the power i will receive in a matter of days will be astounding. watch out

#i am making this post to ramble. idk if it will actually change anything but i am trying 2 be hopeful . #ive been very. Rough all month thus far both physically and mentally and occasionally both at the same time #i am just hoping tht wat i am getting soon will help me do things bc ive rly had no energy to do anything at alllllll #and i rly dont want to like. Explode i would like to get things done #i have things i owe to people!!! i just dont have the spoons to do it Ever and it piles iup and up in my head #it fucking blows dude i have been stuck in a horrendous loop for like almost 6 months #i just want 2 be normal u know . i am hoping something will change soon #if it does not change in the nesxt few days when my shit arrives i think im like. Done For in general #like if im unable to get anything done in the next few days then i am going to very seriously have to reconsider #literally everything i do online i think. its a bit fucked up #ik it sounds like an exaggeration bu there is noooo way in hell i am Surviving like tihs !!!!!!! slash srs #i wish twitter circles did not die so i cold blow up in there bu back to ye olde norm of tumblr tags will have to do #also it feels less invasive so like. win for me ig. i do miss rambling nonstop in tags #i miss tumblr!! i miss a lot of old stuff. reminiscing for reasons both good and bad. the tumblr stuff is the good side tho #anyways i have been slowly chipping away at writing thigns this month and ik its like. not a lot at all. #but its a lot to *me* and when youre someone whos only capable of doing so mch its like. a big deal #(im writing pmdnd stuff finally getting back into gear nd stuff i have been trying to slowly draw the npcs #that ive made whilst trying to recover in other areas bu rghghrghgrgr i dont ewant to draw #i havent wanted to draw in a long long time blows up) #i shuld. stop typing actually i am rambling too much i jsujt have nowhere to mindlessly ramble anymore technicaly #i dont want to bug my friends w me being unwell all the time DFJKGHDFKGFG #mayne i will try to ccontinue with the npcs. we will see based on if i post again in the next 30 minutes

[friendlifyre]

i think ive finally hit that point where ive accepted that i need to Allow myself to enjoy genshin more casually otherwise it wont be long before i stop enjoying it altogether

#personal #its taken so long bc when i started the game i skipped through a lot of sidequests just to get the rewards/whatever they unlock #and later on i regretted it bc i was retroactively interested in lore and there was nothing left to do so wished id taken my time w those #and its rly that same reason i held off on doing a ton of content these past few months #telling myself i shouldnt do them until i had the time and attention span to rly absorb everything #but its rly time i let myself just go for it and enjoy what i Want to enjoy and not dwell too much on what i need to skip to achieve that #not just bc i dont think i'll ever go back to being as hyperfixated on genshin as ive been before (and therefore wont regret it) #but also because i dont really... want to #im at a slowly turning point in my life where i want to do other things with it too #and if i want to make room for those other things #i have to accept that i'll never again be one of those players who take the time to fully consume 100% of the content this game puts out #and thats Good #and i wish id realized sooner skgkslg #i rly have a bad tendency to put arbitrary restrictions on myself and forget why i put them there in the first place #like i played sm of totk with a 'no teleporting' rule bc i wanted to rly gove myself an excuse to explore #and it wasnt until recently that i realized id gotten to a point where it was taking away from my enjoyment more than adding to it #and so that it was ok to just discard that rule atp #i need to try being more conscious of that in general bc im realizing its hindering me in weird places irl too

[soiwatchthestars]

one if these days u guys are gonna hear about a crazy woman who just went absolutely feralraginginsane screaming in public n walking into traffic or off a bridge or smth and it's gonna be me bc i cant do this anymore my dudes. i'm gonna lose it for realises

#personal #oh well #its been months and i still feel like. idk how to explain it. like my insides are vibrating n my soul wants to claw its way out of me #its hard to explain #but it isnt going away #n im like. theres only so long u can feel bad right. so ive been waiting for it to pass and for things to feel better but its just Not #an ive been trying v hard to stop whatever it is #but everytime i see my face i wanna punch it #i want to hurt my body v badly and idk know why #and ive had self harm.urges before.obviously but never like this #i just want my whole body to hurt #so that it can stop feeling like this

[hikeyzz]

i've been sick now for over a month. between my kidneys and stomach i have been in constant pain and discomfort for more than a month straight. fuck. it's been some of the worst, most debilitating pain of my life. which says a lot coming from someone who has lived with chronic pain for the last eight years and had two throat surgeries last fall. everyone in my life is concerned and doing what they can for me, but they can't do much. i can't eat regularly, i have major problems accepting help from others, and i hate people seeing me unwell. so instead everyone just loves me as best they can with calls and kind notes. but when i say that i'm tired of being sick and don't want to do it anymore everyone acts like i'm crazy. would YOU be able to survive this shit without breaking?? sudden illness on top of chronic illness AND mental illness?! don't answer that it'd make me feel worse. i'm just trying to survive this. i am trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and in the end i am still just drained and defeated.

i know i sound like a classic bitch in crisis but i'm not. i'm getting more and more sick every year. i have to question what is worth fighting for and what isn't. i cannot spend my whole life being sick or recovering from being sick. i won't.

#listen i grew up watching almost everyone i love constantly sick and/or dying #every other friday for a year i would ride two hours each way in the car with my mom #to go with her to her experimental treatment appointments #she was in a clinical trial for a drug to treat liver cancer #i spent my 13th birthday in the hospital with my father who had just had brain surgery and several seizures during #i have seen people live long full lives being sick or after they recover #but every moment was a battle for them #and i don't want to have to battle my way through life #its not the life i want to accept for myself #and my autonomy in this matter is limited to a handful of choices #again i am not in crisis #these are just the real honest thoughts of someone who has been rotting away for a month now in misery #hikey #disabled lyfe

[possiblytracker]

godddd at a late enough stage in packing up when the room doesn't feel like it's lived in anymore like it stops being Yours and just another blank space full of bags and boxes. and I do not want to leave

#for all this house sucks shit i really loved it #and idk why im even feeling like this already im gonna be back here on Monday for the last few days of the month #but the fact all my stuff is being removed Now is making it feel way more permanent and ouggh #at least if im feeling it now it maybe won't hit me all at once later but man. Man #the entire packing process has been a long slog of anxiety and reminiscing #prolly could've been done days ago if i wasnt so Weird abt it and now my parents are on the way to come get me and aa #at least the pressure is getting me going. yesterdsy id put like 3 things away before getting weirdly antsy/frustrated #and having to stop #so its nice to have a goal/ time limit to focus on ig #but oouigh im gonna be sad and mopey about it the entire time

[bloodystray]

.

#i havent talked to any of my friends in so long... #original friend group all kinda drifted away. the smaller more recent circle of friends i made i had to leave for my own sanity #havent talked to the girl i met before i moved in months. i remember telling her we'd stay in contact. i'm kind of a joke #rose... #i miss you too if you see this i'm sorry. it's just been impossible to do anything besides go to work #it just all feels so. overwhelming. the idea of messaging anyone even a little #ive barely even been talking to faenix #havent seen any of my irl friends in months #i dont even know if i want to.... i just want to curl up in bed and stop existing outside of my immediate responsibilities #it's easier to be a non-person. just ignore the outside world. all i really need is to work so i can survive #as long as i have games and i can order good food thats all i need i guess #its not as though ill ever feel comfortable in my own skin #or around people #i just need to rot

[minglana]

i dont mean to be a debbie downer on january 1st of all days but lately (bc of exam season maybe?) ive been feeling like my life is completely stagnant and its going nowhere. i should be finished w my degree. i should either be working or getting my masters. but instead im over here with one or two or even three more years of finishing this stupid degree. and the thing is that YES i could just drop out but i also dont want to. i started this thing and im like halfway through. i should finish it even if its just for the sake of finishing it. i also know that its completely normal to not finish a degree in four years, many of my classmates that i started with are still studying w me, but many of my friends from my same year (who didnt study engineering) are already finished and doing god knows what with their lives... i know its always said that engineering is more difficult than other degrees and that its normal to take more than 4 yrs, but it still doesnt stop me from feeling like shit

i also just feel like bc im studying i dont allow myself to have fun, bc i get distracted on my computer and do things other than studying, and if i didnt have to study i would like to hang out more with my friends. but since i spend so much time on the computer doing stupid shit, i take away the time that should be for me doing extra activities and socializing and leave it to study.

and yet another thing is my ever-constant problem of not being able to make myself study. pre-pandemic i was able to make myself study. i even dare say i enjoyed it. but now i dread even the thought of studying. idk if its bc i dont like most of the classes im taking or if im fatigued or what but i genuinely feel completely lost on what i can do to remedy this problem

#ive had the studying problem also since the pandemic. like in bachiller it was there but it was manageable #ever since the pandemic its gotten out of control honestly #im hoping that by going away on erasmus i can clear my head completely and the change of scenery and life will help me at least a little bi #bc i genuinely cant keep on going like this. like. this entire month idk how ive managed to survive from the dread and anxiety #and stress ive been carrying around. and its all manmade. as in i made myself the stress and anxiety and dread. all bc. my brain refuses #to cooperate. and i cant make myself study!!!! #z xarre #long post #ta esborrare #<- maybe

[curiosityjams]

*

#don't know if it's like #that time of the month making these feelings more intense and i say this a LOT but damn i rly do feel my time on sm coming to an end #like i feel like being on here long term is holding me back in a way #but at the same time the reason i've been so afraid to take that leap is because idk what a world where i'm fully away from it (by that #i mean like no tumblr no ig no reddit no NOTHING just being completely alone w/ my thoughts and feelings and learning how to enjoy that) #and like ok isolating myself is Very Bad for my mental health i fully get that and its why ive been like afraid to leave completely #but then again why bother staying in a place w/ a history where the bad often outweighs the good for me #esp when i've chosen solace in some ppl who uh were #not the best ppl to look for that solace when you're Going Thru It #idek it's left me thinking abt the past too much when i SHOULD be in the present #anyway i'll stop w/ the rambles i just want to be offline in the way idk bill hader is offline gshdifhgtuioweiruty #be quiet drea #tbd bc im just venting in tags lmao