#its not like oh everyone vents to me all the time

[catfishofoldin99colours]

I know I'm not the best at managing my emotions and I've bitched about people plenty in my time but it still always catches me off guard when my coworkers talk incredibly nastily about someone else in the office with what seems like reckless abandon, like.

Oh, you. You don't? Try and keep this to yourself? You don't consider this frustration a private thought? You just. Let these thoughts out, in the open, often to me specifically???

Can't quite tell if it's the eldest daughter thing that makes people vent to me or if I just have the Vibe that calls people who want to complain

Very odd. And not pleasant.

#catfish speaks #idk if this is something other people experience a lot #its not like oh everyone vents to me all the time #cos its not that #my actual friendships are based on open communication and if we vent its met with a degree of compassion and consent #like yeah sometimes we forget to ask but most of the time its a 'sorry i forgot to ask' 'no its ok it sounds like it sucks' thing #the important thing is that i care about these peoples frustrations and want to listen and help #with my coworkers its like. i dont know you that well. i didnt even know this was a frustration #and idk did i miss a cue they gave me that signalled they consider me safe to vent to? #cos if that was the case - i feel like im being dumped on but they probably see me as a safe person #and that mismatch isnt anyones fault but i think im the only one realising its a mismatch at all #cos when people do this it makes me uncomfortable #i personally dont want to bitch about the other people in the office #i like them. yeah they can get annoying. so does everyone. so do i. #it feels cruel to speak nastily about them while they're not there with whay feels to me like unjustified anger #but then the people venting may be seeing me as a safe person who they just want to listen to their troubles #and i understand that and empathise with that - everyone wants that! #i jusy dont understand that that is the transaction we're entering until it's actually happening #at which point i am unprepared and unresponsive #i don't want to agree with the bitching i am hearing. but i don't want to deny them their voice. #im also the worst at standing up and disagreeing with someonr especially if theyre upset #so i just noncomittally agree and dont really offer much until they stop talking to me #which. obviously doesnt solve the problem and potentially leaves a broken trust between us #WHICH WAS UNSPOKEN AND ASSUMED THE ENTIRE FRICKIN TIME #its. god. #i dont understand othr people i really don't #anyway. if this resonates pls let me know I'm so curious

[toastsnaffler]

my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/

#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man #i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks #and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig #even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them- #better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them #like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it #hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders #for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee #the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want #me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so! #anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too #its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh #we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its #kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way #im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily #cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction #its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things #for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a #want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them #and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎 #i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay. #.vent

[opens-up-4-nobody]

No hate at all ( I wish you the best) but it is so funny that your blog is called opens up 4 no one but you have all those ... journal entry things. You open up for everyone all the time (again it's very interesting), but the irony is just so funny.

My username comes from my favorite song when I was in like 8th grade (little house by the fray (one of the most emo cringe songs ever lol)). But yea the irony is not lost on me, it's bc I don't talk to anyone irl 🙃

#also im just a very open person. like if u ask me something irl ill probably just tell u #i dont really give a fuck. but also im just so unhappy currently that im just anxiety shrapnel everytime i open my mouth #but like im very self isolated and i talk to other ppl and i cant tell if what i do deviates from the norm #bc everyone is like oh yea i dont see ppl enough #but like. i only talk to ppl at work and i avoid coming in when ppl r around. the most i talk in a week is probably when i meet with my #boss for like an hr every week and we have to cancel all the time bc shes busy #i dont even text people. like my parents might text me once a week and we'll go back and forth like 2 texts and thats it. then maybe they #call once every month or 2? so idk that seems unusal to me but its my life so its hard to tell #but thats y i vent on the internet so much bc i literally never talk to anyone in my daily life when im not trapped on long car rides #its not as bad as when i was an undergrad tho. then i would go week long stretchs only uttering thr words please and thank u #bc then i was truely not talking to anyone and hadnt developed socal skills lol #unrelated #my dad Said i was only hermit spectrum lol bc i dont really get lonely #on the hermit spectrum*

[arcaneyouth]

started making a power point presentation about my ocs, made 2 slides, and then just stopped. i <3 creativity

#vent post #negative #mainly for the tags. heres your warning i got sad #to be fair. MOST of the problem is i want to make a power point presentation studying the themes of the story and every characters arc #which is a lot of fucking things! and i don't know how to organize it at all. and it of course has to touch on spoilers #but the other problem is overwhelming thoughts of 'nobody wants to see this' 😔 #which is so frustrating cause i have so much proof its not true #people tell me they love my stories and characters all the time. i'm so lucky for that #oh wait lol figured it out. i don't want to make a power point presentation actually #it just feels like the only way i'll ever be able to get across all the thoughts i have without being a bother #but i have a difficult time actually working with power points so it's not actually that fun to make #so i'm not even doing this for my sake i'm doing it for everyone else again god damn it #huh. i don't even really want to ramble about The Themes and the character arcs #i think i just want someone else to do it. to prove that i'm not the only one that sees it or something #to engage with my story and show me They Get It #it feels unreasonable to want but i do want someone to point at the themes and point at specific panels and give me their ideas on it #so we can bounce back and forth discussing the meaning and how the story functions which is my favorite thing ever #but i can't ask people to do that. that takes a lot of effort especially Right Now when everything is awful all the time #and i accept that cause jesus christ everything is awful all the time #but boy can i yearn #hyperfixating on my ocs is very cool. i do love it. i love caring so unbearably much about some guys i made #it does get lonely sometimes tho

[autisticlee]

it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!

i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"

why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)

ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!

this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!

why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.

#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!! #people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc #but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?! #its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them #AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING #that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭 #so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead? #no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going? #if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right? #ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too #perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well #that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less #i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever #but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends #what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one #this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries. #if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move. #if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #autistic friendship #friendship problems #loneliness #communication #cptsd #rsd #the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃

[todayisafridaynight]

Prior to sending the ask I was just guessing what matrophobia meant based on the root words but I looked it up after and went ohhhh and then you confirmed that extra dimension to it and I went OHHHHH

I think that gets to the heart of what I've been thinking about, that bittersweetness, because despite his best efforts... of course he could never end up anything like Yoko, but he still ended up with an abusive "household." Because in addition to Masato ending up how he did, he has to see those same situations play out, feel that same tension in the air between Jo and Ichi, over and over for almost a decade straight.

Like, in a way, he's forced to put himself in Toshio's shoes when that happens. He can't really get through to Jo, in the same way Toshio can't get through to Yoko, but he can try to step in before lasting damage is done, and he can try to make it bearable for his son. You know. Have a nice talk. Treat him to Peking duck. I'm SO normal about the (drawn-out) parallels of those scenes

So then with Jo... he kind of does become his father, even if he never wanted to (no one wants to), both through his ruinous neglect of Masato at birth and through how he comes to look at discipline and corporal punishment. I'm sure it's not lost on him in Masato's case (owww), but with Ichi, it's not like he has any reason to see him as his son... But How Far Can That Take You.

Because it's like, at the start, he was openly beating Ichi in front of Arakawa and not letting up much when Arakawa intervened. But then you have The Yubitsume Scene and Arakawa walking in on All That and... he looks sorry. Sorry for being caught, probably, but sorry nonetheless. Like... what changed between then and now... have you two had a Heartfelt Conversation... do you know where Arakawa got that scar... are you unable to change your "nature" even then...

Side note bro your SHOE is the size of his TORSO I promise you do not need to kick him with all the strength you've got like what the hell is this 😭😭😭

BUT ALL THAT ASIDE thank you so much for delving into the symbolism! Wonderful read. I don't really have an eye for symbolism, so that makes it all the more enjoyable to revisit the comic and everything with what you've gone into. I think a lot of your experiences resonate with mine, so conversely I'm not sure what others would take away from it, BUT I think there's enough there that's so insightful and evocative that it's effective without personal experience. I don't think there's anything I could add, so. Yeah. For once I am happy to sit back and take it all in... On that note, definitely looking forward to your next comic!

AUUUGH YEAAAH YEAHEYA HYEAH THAT EXACTLY OUUUGH OWIEE OWW.....

that's literally it though. like no extra notes. except The Obligatory Few i dont think it was an accident that arakawa is set up as the beginning of the game's 'protagonist' and planting that 'troubled family' taste first thing in our mind. i remember how i felt when i first saw arakawa walk in on jo and ichi and then arakawa taking ichi out for dinner i was just like🧍‍♂️Girl No The Cycle.... It's Continuing...... //screams// LIKE UGH IT WAS SO GOOD BUT ALSO OWWW STOPPP and then on the REPLAY it just hurts more cause with the added context to jo's character its like Oh No...... You're Your Father's Son....

and youre right: jo doesn't have an implicit reason to see how he treats ichi is wrong, hence he similarly doesnt have any reason to stop- not unless arakawa intervenes of course (and i will stand outside my window thinking of the possibility arakawa ever did try to have A Conversation with jo... arms folded behind my back and all like Man™️....)

oh but yeah, absolutely no problem ! im lowkey of an egotist so i do like to talk bout the stuff i make. More In Depth (though thats obvious considering the fuckin essays in the tags i always leave ☠️☠️) gerjlgaELKjg. so i was happy to explain ♪(´▽｀) !! what i like about symbolism is that it can be intentional or not, and the fun is always finding it just by chance. i cant explain it properly, but i just think its a neat 'seasoning' of sorts to drawings (❁´◡`❁)

#long post #snap chats #everyone in rgg got flipper shoes i stg tho like evey time i look at everyones renders i gotta point it out to myself 😭 #speaking of. The Cycle. and Personal Experiences. arakawa walkin in on jo and ichi esp hits cause thats def a thing thats happened to mysel #its insane how one woman terrorizes my whole family but no cause i remember my mom would tear me a new one. Metaphorically #or she'd be pissed at my sis and i and my sis would just take us out for lunch and we'd talk bout it #Unsurprisingly my dad would do that for me growin up and he was there #i used to visit him on weekends when he lived nearby and those were my Peking Duck dinners in a sense #he'd just do his best to make sure i felt at home and making sure. i was cared for for once LMAO #so yeah to see that repeat in my family with my sister taking the role of my dad its like ow... #OH YEAH NO ITS BEEN A HOT YEAR SINCE I SAID HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ME TO GET THROUGH THE BEGINNING OF Y7 HUH #it hurts a lot to watch masumi's backstory since it's EXTREMELY personal and hits too close to home but i watch it anyway 🥴 #probably the first and only time a piece of media can actually 'trigger' me that badly i guess. how lame #i think ive updated my villain origin story enough tho. im sorry you also had a shit mom If Im Assuming Right #i wish it was easy to deal with bad parents but. well. if it was we wouldnt have them amiright #the best i can do is vent how i feel and at least try to have people in similar situations as me feel. understood. as corny as that sounds #its a little heinous to say Im Glad Our Experiences Are Similar cause id never wish my experiences on anyone else #but i guess i mean to say im glad we can understand each other in that regard #on a semi-better note. please dont hope for the comic anytime soon i only just finished sketching set pieces ( ´◡` ;;;) #I GOT DISTRACTED AGAAAINNNNN also its very cold and i dont work well in the cold. s'cause my fingers get all stiff EW #but i WILL have this one done i have too many abandoned projects i aint abandoning another one #with that in mind its funny you mention arakawas scar cause i did have a tiny baby thing in mind with it #nothing sad or serious this time just somethin cute even. if THAT ever happens we'll see it but yeah. just another funny case of Timing #alright bye bye for now i should work on this. after i answer your second ask HANG ON ILL SEE YOU THERE--

[jules-hoard-of-stuff]

Stop feeling bad about my identity challenge

#vent in tags #i just... idk #i cant feel proud of being a man bc apparently thats terrible #i cant feel like a manly man bc im not one #if i feel like a gay man that feels wrong to others bc that means im 'just a straight girl who wants gay guy dick' apparently #and if i ever complain about my struggles with being transmasc its #“oh but x identity has it worse you fucking man! you gross man!” #hi not all queer oppressive experiences and trauma are equatable and in fact most of them cant fucking be compared #of fucking course i dont get the same oppression a trans woman or cis gay man has; im not them! #we all have our own struggles! why cant i put a name to mine? #why CANT i say the word transandrophobia? #why does me using words have to somehow automatically hurt trans women? i have no idea how that works #and whats worse is trans women dont tell me that OTHER queers and people tell me that #but the more i look the more it seems like everyone wants to pit us against each other. all the time #and now the fucking government hates us too are you *shitting me* #im just so tired #i wanna be a gay trans man without it causing me untold amounts of grief and pain from both in and outside the community #i wanna be effeminate without being told “oh youre secretly still a giiiirl' #sometimes i dontnwanna fucking bind ok? it hurts. #im so tired of everything right now #i just wanna be happy with myself

[heartbreakfeelsogood]

#vent incoming this is your fair warning #read no further if you don’t wanna deal with all that #i’m soooooooooo so so so sososososo tired. it’s not even funny #and i can’t focus on anything and it’s a really bad time for that because i have finals to do 😐👍🏼 #so i’m spiraling into my ✨finals depressive episode✨ which doesn’t just stop with anxiety about finals. oh no no no. #i also think that maybe everyone should hate me because i can’t do anything right i can’t even focus on the one thing i have to focus on #and also likeeee what’s the point of any of this (life) #i also am currently convincing myself i bother everyone and need to stop talking so much #which like. evil brain. not true not true not true. #i know people love me i’m just feeling like i’m doing everything wrong and maybe i’m too much #and it’s hard to push past that #especially when it comes to feeling like i’m being too much of. well. me. #i’m just very stressed and overwhelmed and it’s making me depressed and feeding my depression’s anxiety #the depression has its own anxiety separate from the tiana’s anxiety #i need a hug. and for everything to be done #there’s wayyyy too many essays i have to write #so i’m shutting down and doing none because i can’t focus #i literally zone out for most of the day and then it’s like oh. #anyway sorry needed 2 vent

[stayqueer]

yeah I'm just not going to my partners parents house anymore lmao

#his mom is so so nice but neither she or his stepdad ever get my pronouns right and theyve known for almost a year #his stepdad doesnt try at all he doesnt correct himself #in fact he literally actively tries not to use pronouns at all when referring to me and my partner just #hasnt said anything to them??? hasnt corrected them or told them to do better??? #hasnt called out his stepdad or told him its still disrespectful???? #we live together and are starting our lives together he doesnt evenlive with or depend on them for anything anymore #what the fuck is he afraid of??? #like i get its family but so am i and he told me he chooses me and understands why it bothers me #but i dknt think he does #im nkt going back to a house where they pick apart the pieces of me they find digestible #they can just fucking choke #im tired of giving them the benefit of the doubt just to walk away every single time feeling dysphoric and disrespected #and my partner just doesnt stick up for me #correcting only your mom when youre comfortable isnt sticking up for me #why do i haveto be tbe one to shout and tell people to stop #everyone already hates trans people for sticking up for themselves oh look another angry trans they get so offended #if i have to be that then i guess i jave to fucking be that because no one else is speaking up #no one ever does #fuck it #open the vent

[yelloworangesoda]

the worst part about my incredibly low pain tolerance is when people literally don’t believe you. why would i lie

#its not like. that interesting #it just makes me look that much more weak and pathetic #yes that literally!!! hurts!!! that hurt when you did that. apologize? #dont just go ‘that didnt hurt’ well. it did. so :/ #its like sensory issues other people don’t experience them so they assume im lying #volume is a big one for me you cant. yell thats my thing. yelling hurts my ears but its not important enough for anyone to #even notice they do it and apologize i have to go ‘hey dont’. i try to be on top of my tone bc i understand thats important to people and i #don’t always do it right (its not like. actively choosing a tone but it’s more often accidentally having a more. um annoyed or bored or #angry sounding one). and bc i know i dont get it right i go ‘whoops sorry i meant it like this’ but people yell and scream and grab and all #and dont even bother going ‘oh im sorry simon i know that hurts you #i know you dislike that for one reason or another i will continue my effort to not do it again’. and like theres an understanding i try to #put across that i know volume control doesnt come easy for everyone and yelling is often an instinctual reaction god knows i do it. but #like acknowledge. please that you hurt me #i hate my shitty pain tolerance it makes things legitimately harder for me. i have a lamp that hurts to turn off and a hairdryer that hurts #to turn on and off. i like being moved around my boyfriend but it hurts 100% of the time. when he picks me up. thing i enjoy. it will hurt #theres no way around it. it sucks really bad is all. i wouldnt lie about this :/ #simons spouting #vent :(

[craykae]

was gonna go to my friend's funeral tomorrow but I got my period today whyyy :(

#i was already on the fence about going bc the person who asked me to go bailed #plus it's a long drive and the social anxiety of it all #but imagining going through all that while being exhausted and nauseous and sweaty and cramping 😞 it would just be a nightmare #now idk what to do. i was kind of counting on it to bring some catharsis and help me process it all but now there's no structure #don't wanna spiral from ruminating about it but don't wanna repress it mm #for context I we just kinda lost touch and hadn't spoken in like idk 8 years so it's not like he was still in my life b #just weird ya know #i fucking hate my body like I literally don't need a reproductive system #i feel worse today than I did the entire time I was sick sick this week #if someone who doesn't menstruate felt like this they'd be like oh shit I'm sick better stay home and rest and everyone would be like okay #but for us its just the way things are and completely unavoidable and takes up 1/4 of my whole existence eerggugguhfh #i wish I could just scoop this shit out and give it to someone who actually wants to have a baby. literally don't need it #anyways. vent over thanks for stopping by #death mention #delete later

[softnsquishable]

#. #i spent all day yesterday laying in bed in the dark #nobody calls nobody texts #everyone has lives #even today i tried calling folks and i get nothing #i wish holidays were only when i had something to do with someone #like fml its not even 11am yet and im already here #and i barely even want to post this because oh no my mutuals are gonna see it #this post should be one big censor bar #im just so fucking ****** all the time #and i sound like a desperate idiot talking to a void #and it isnt anyones fault and im not mad at anyone #i just wish i had more friends #hey google how do i tell my friends im lonely as shit without sounding like a desperate piece of shit #i would ignore me too #i become the very thing i get annoyed by and i hate venting i fucking hate it so much but god #i hope praying still works for me #vent #mutuals dont read this im just posting it 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 #i wish someone in my life that's around me gave a shit without ulterior motives and showed it #and i feel like this almost every day #i hope 2024 ...

[mbat]

not looking forward to christmas anymore

#ignore me #vent #my post #i was supposed to make the pudding that my mom used to make that she hadnt made in like a decade and i was so excited to #but my grandma practically barged into my room like 'hey give me the pudding mix im anxious i need to make sure this all gets done' and #i dont know how to say no to my grandma so i handed them over but now ive been crying on and off for over 2 hours #my dads like 'oh just do the other steps its fine' no its fucking not. its fucking not fine it was meant to be me #we all had designated foods to fucking make that was meant to be mine. it was my moms fucking recipe i wanted to fucking make it all myself #and i dont care how immature it is of me but im gonna fucking sabotage it when everyone asleep i dont care #ill eat a whole cake all by myself i dont fucking care #yes im actually having a whole breakdown about this this was so important to me and its fucking ruined #i had that pudding mix in my room for over a year waiting to make it #i dont fucking care that theyre gonna be mad at be this wasnt going to be fucking fun anyway #every holiday fucking feels like nothing anymore what does it matter #i wanted to make it so bad i was so excited i wanted to feel connected to my mom again i wanted to do the process #i literally cant fucking do anythijg im so upset #i was literally so close to fucking breaking something or hurting myself earlier im so fucking upset #and i swear on my life do NOT send me messages or asks dont fucking talk to me #alternatively tomorrow i could go to the store myself and get more pudding idk #i refuse to let this be the first time this puddings made in forever and it wasnt made by me you dont fucking get it #its one of the best things ive ever eaten and it was my moms and shes gone and #its part of my fucking childhood memories it was everything to me #my grandma just wanted to make it cause she cant fucking sit still or be patient. wheres the fucking love wheres the fucking connection #the moment the sun rises i dont fucking care im walking the the fucking mile and a half in whatever temperature itll be

[snekdood]

me and my boyfriend were having a conversation earlier about how creepy my dad is and how he 1 used to spy on my mom w binoculars in his car across the street after their divorce (she got a restraining order luckily) but also 2 i remember him threatening to kill my mom and her current husband and i said something about how "i used to be scared i'd see him outside of my window watching me, even though he would probably just go after my mom i was worried he might try to kidnap me-"

and then it all clicked for me. the reason zero is the way he is is bc of my dad. the reason my comic is the way it is is bc of my fucking dad!

#like yeah he has elements of my brother and sister too but ultimately they suck bc of my dad. esp my sister. #anyways hes maybe one of the worst ppl in the world actually! #vent #learning more and more that if someone reminds me of my dad? i gotta fucking avoid the shit out of them. my sister does. my brother does. #and so does my abusive ex. i just remmebered getting that weird vague feeling when i was with them but brushed it off. I really fuckin #shouldn't've though goddamn. right down to the compulsive lying and extreme manipulation tactics. oh and the wanting to kill me shit #bc i dare make them ever view themselves in a critical light ig. #kinda like what happened with my mom and dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!! today has been rough emotionally :)))))))))))))))))))) #wish i could say its empty threats but hes an actual republican and has a shit ton of guns so yeah. doesnt matter how empty it is #everyones still gonna assume the worse when you're compiling guns and talking about killing someone you claimed to fucking love #and for him? it really was all about losing power over her. if he couldnt have her no one did. which was ironic bc he never even #fully appreciated her when he was with her and made fatphobic jokes about her. but suddenly she wants to leave and its an issue? #ig when the person you claim to find so unappealing rejects you too it bruises harder if you're a narcissist who relies on building #yourself up by putting people you claim to care about down. #and then he used me and my siblings as pawns in his game. in his 'war' against my mom. #this is why my ex has been so predictable this whole time... ive literally lived through it. it was LITERALLY my childhood #everyone but me believed him when he started making justifications for the way he physically abused her. but thats the #thing about ppl who are abusive in this way- slowly everyone starts to realize they're lying. and the only ones who stick around #are the ride or dies with no standards for themselves.

[stupidscav]

really love how my school forces me to do a class that makes me want to off myself because I can't understand any of it and any time I tell them "hey this is really stressing me out I can't do any of this" they say "just ask for help" even though it literally NEVER GOT ME HELP

all of my math classes are like this. im going to get yelled at. I'm going to get grounded. I'm gonna get punished. I'm gonna get everything that keeps me sane taken away. because I can't do this fucking class. I just know it my family is going to be so disappointed that their "smart little child" is fucking breaking down from this bullshit class. I can't keep a C+ forever.

I love how my school treats students who need more support!! they just said "fucking deal with it not everyone is having the same problems" when they literally are. it does not help that I've always been used to one style of teaching: the teacher.. guess what

ACTUALLY TEACHING US!!! I love you last grade math teacher Mrs. N I love you so much Ms. I is a BITCH

I know I'm gonna end up in a ditch before I finish schooling.

#suicide #suicide mention #im not saying im going to do it btw im not. things have changed so much and j donr wanr to leave it behind #but jesus fucking christ i dread my math class all i want to do in it is die #im not built for this bullshit. #bro they look at me like “oh youre a smart kid you can do it” no i fucking can't how many times do i have to tell you #they just dont listen to anyone who needs anything #i donr know if its because how my brain works or if this class is just as bad for everyone #but clearly thw latter is proving more true and the autism is a nice little addon to rhat stress #vent #scav feels shitty #i hate my math teacher #rant

[badgirlcoven-official]

Having RSD in public spaces is the worst bc it's like I need permission to exist too noticeably. Even if everyone is super friendly if I'm even risking being boring or "too much" then I get so scared like oh god everyone's going to get so sick of me as if the worst crime I could ever commit is to be uninteresting

#vent #ask to tag #this isn't about anything in particular/a vague post dw I'm just putting it here bc it's fandom related #audits getting back into fandom spaces after the countless horrors adventures if u will #I'm like omg why am I so worried abt this stuff who would care #but then I remember as a teenager if I infodumped. in. infodump or topic specific channels. dedicated for doing that #my 'friend' would berate me for 'taking up too much space' #and ppl got mad at me for OC posting when they tried to drop hints that they didn't want to hear about my OCs (said hints being like. #not responding or just changing their tone slightly not anything clear) or in some cases just complained to the afore mentioned friend who #opted not to tell me when these complaints were being made but to blame me for not having done anything about what I wasn't told #this fandoms probably different since the majority of ppl I talk t o in it are neurodivergent and like. get it #but everyone is so cool that I talk to I'm like oh my god if I can't be exactly who/what they want to talk to at all times they're gonna #jeff the kill me like oh my god girl chill out #I'm not shy but someimes I wish ppl would coax me out of my shell a little so I didn't overthink it all/LH #I do think it's funny how much I feel the need to fit in with everyone/not be TOOO weird/irrelevant in the fandom whose source's main theme #is being an unapologetic weirdo as long as its harmless but haiodfhgiofdhgiodhfoighfidhgafdg