#just some silly sketches this monday | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

imperatriceauxdiamants · 2 years

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How do you manage your time? How do you organize your days, weeks, goals...?

Very long post... Click under there at your own risk.

School:

I spread my exam study at least two weeks before my exam. First week is dedicated to the harder material. Second week is reinforcing my memory, redoing excercises, past exams, etc. All the material the teacher gives is very likely relevant.

I generally study a bit in the morning, in between classes, and after my dinner. I try to have a ratio of 60% study time and 40% enterainement time.

I block out my dinner time everyday. Relax time in the middle of my school day is highly important, and I need to eat well.

Since my diploma is heavily lab-related, I go to labs as much as I can cram in. The more I lab pratice the better my scores are. Simple. So if I want high notes, I pratice more.

When I used to do my diploma in mathematics and computer science, I crammed as much excercises as possible. Again, with sciences that are math based it is important to pratice in order to understand. It's sorta silly to expect perfection after just doing 5 excercises. It HAS to become your second nature.

I NEVER sacrifice my sleep in favor of school. It is critically important.

Homecare:

I wash my bedsheets every Saturday, I wash my laundry every Saturday. No exceptions. I try to start the work early in the morning, undoing my bed when I wakeup, so it is done by mid-afternoon.

Every Saturday I do a light tidying up as well, while my laundry is being washed. Dusting off with a slightly wet rag, vacuuming, sometimes a bit of mopping. If yout ake consistent care of things, they become quite easier to clean up. There's a reason why hotel maids come to clean everyday, both for your satisfaction, and for easier work when you check out.

During the week I do consistent tidying up. Throwing away obvious trash, loading up my laundry basket, I redo my bed everyday, etc. Takes only a few minutes out of your day and has a huge impact.

Creative work:

I try to do a little everyday, collecting ideas, putting the simplest ones into action right away.

I do Art Sundays, putting on some music, starting to write, paint, color, read, etc. No limits. For you, you can fix a day of the week dedicated to your favorite hobbies. Life's not only work work work work. It is also fun.

Again, being consistent about it is easier than doing a LOT at once. I won't do a huge 15 hour project a monday evening and rather reserve it for my Art Sunday, but I will do right away a sketch idea or post idea. 've personally never really liked just letting things lingering in the mind, without output whatsoever. They clutter the mind.

Work:

Since I'm a part-time student, I never get over 25-30 hours a week. I do not recommend working more than 20 hours a week if you're a full-time student. There are studies that show there's a decrease in grades the more the student works. If you can't subsist on 20 hours a week, seek for higher pay jobs first before accepting more hours.

I've never ever given my employer my class schedule. It is NOT a good idea, since the employer can guilt-trip you into working more hours. "Hey I saw you don't have class monday from 8 to 12 can you come work please, I'm so stuck here!" is pretty hard to resist.

Have extremely solid boundaries between work, school and personal life. Refuse any hours that are excessive or heavy. I refuse to work week evenings, I refuse to work more than 25-30 hours a week, I refuse to work more than 8 hours a day for my two jobs combined. If the employers have difficulty, not my fault. I give them hours of availability, they give me work based on that and end of story.

Equally, I refuse to clock in much earlier, or to clock out way later than planned. I do as much as possible, wrap it up when it is time to close. Not being able to do all the work is management fault for over-estimating the amount of work to be done, and not my fault.

Some employers hope that by overloading you with work, you'll stress up enough to do 2 people's work by yourself. Not worth the stress. Learn to refuse. Been there done that. My personal time is valuable.

I prioritize the most paying work. I routinely refuse hours at my less paying work if I'm busy. Money wins over loyalty.

I do a few hours of freelance work on the side, when I feel my schedule is freer. Freelance work can be time consumpting so it is important to schedule more than necessary so you don't miss deadlines.

Goal-making:

I've never been much into doing radical lifestyle changes. I've had more success adapting myself as I go: if I find something unsatisfactory in my life, I go work at it right away without wasting time on hesitation. I can almost always go back to how I was, and hesitating badly served me.

Letting unsatisfactory things go wild in your life will bring your down, wether you're fine with it or not.

Hesitation is often a godawful waste of time.

The biggest realization I've had when it comes to goalmaking is that you DO NOT want it to be temporary. You want the new change to be in your life forever.

You don't count the days.

You don't think to coming to the "before". The "before" is over, there's Now, and Future only. Before is DEAD.

Past failures don't define who you are.

When I want to start a new habit, activity, I incoporate it into my life, and my identity. I'm not "picking up books sometimes", I'm an good reader. I'm not "barely starting to workout", I workout and I'm a fit person. Assuming I'm That Person helps me interorize the change is there for good. I'm not the Before Person, that Peson is DEAD. I'm the Now Person.

Continuing on previous point, I believe that one should work on their goals at least a bit every day, every single day. Compounding. It can be as little as 5 minutes, it can be as much as hours and hours. You want to reinforce that habit and that identity. Let's say you start a habit of working out, you assume the identity of being a fit person, then you go at the gym. You just go at the gym every day, cuz you're a Fit Person. On days you're resting, you go anyways just to do stretches and some light walking, no hard work. The more you go the more you reinforce the habit the more you embody the Fit Person identity.

I try to hype myself up in a positive way, rather than berating myself in a negative way. Positive reinforcement works wonders on us, we're animals too!

If I fuck up my habit routine, I tell myself it is fine and that I can do better next time. I don't have "one shot", I pardon myself and get back right away.

#productivity

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lixiebokie · 11 months

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the serpent and the tulip

non-idol! hyunjin x tattoo artist! reader (featuring felix)

genre: angst

author note: this is an old one shot i wrote around a year ago but i haven’t posted a chapter of through his lens in like 2 months?? so i wanted to post something, i have edited it to make it better so yeah hopefully it is.

i will be posting through the lens update soon i just have been so busy and i have been stumped with what to write for the next chapter but future chapters have been write so hopefully after i’ve gotten the next chapter finished i will be flying in posts! anyways enjoy.

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monday

hyunjin sat at the till knees up to his chest scribbling down sketches of the small flowers surrounding him. white cardigan draped over his body dropping to just above the floor. resting his sketch pad on knees trying to get the angel of the glass he was drawing just right.

the bell jingled indicating to him someone had entered.

he lowered his knees and pulled himself closer.

he took a look at the girl. someone he didn’t recognise, which was odd because the shop only really had regulars who consisted of older woman looking for seeds for their gardens.

he stared at her beauty.

her black aesthetic contrasted the shop and hyunjin himself who was wrapped up in his fluffy white cardigan. he took notice of the small tattoos that covered her arms and hands. he wondered what brought her to a flower shop at 10 o’clock at night on a monday. she reached up to grab a small plant pot before walking to the till.

“just this?” he asked scanning the small item. glancing at her on the sly as she was staring at her phone for a moment.

“yes thank you.” she smiled before handing him the money and taking the pot.

“have a good night.” hyunjin spoke as she walked away.

“you too.” she turned back. all hyunjin could think was, ‘what a funny thing to buy on it’s own’. no one comes into a flier shops just to buy a plant pot! not even with the seeds or a shovel just the pot. that’s really threw him off, but who was he to judge?

tuesday

hyunjins day repeated again.

after he locked up the night before he went home and went to sleep thinking about her and who in there right minds buys a plant pot on its own? he tapped the till huffing as he watched an old lady pick up the same seeds over and over. his days always dragged on like this, the same boring hours consuming him until he was finally free at 9 to go home and do absolutely nothing. he didn’t have a girlfriend to go home to, and like hyunjin his friends also worked throughout the day. he’d just go home and watch some food channel hoping to channel his inner gorden ramsey, gosh he really needed to get out.

the bell ringing caused hyunjin to look at the door pulling him from his strange train of thought.

her again?

hyunjin subtly watched as she looked around the shop then walked to the till empty handed.

“do you have any roses?” she asked placing her hands on the surface. long nails coated in glitter grazed the wood of the counter. it was a silly question, ofc they had the most basic flower. hyunjin almost wanted to laugh, she definitely wasn’t a regular customer.

“yes ofcourse, what type?”

“i.. im not sure.”

hyunjin instructioned for her to follow him walking to the garden section.

“sorry let me simple it,” hyunjin explained trying not to make it sound like he was belittling her. “there’s pink roses, white roses, red roses-“

“which is most romantic?” she interrupted and took closer look at them.

“definitely red.” hyunjin answered taking one in his hand handing it to the girl.

making her smile.

“i’ll take red.” she bite her lip.

“great..”

dear diary,

have you ever fell inlove? or is that something from one of my stupid novels?

but we’re so different! opposites attract so could this be real?

wednesday

hyunjin spent the rest of his shift the day before thinking of how he flirted with her without even knowing her name.

it had been a while since he’d had a conversation with a girl around his age let alone flirt with one. it felt.. good? hyunjin couldn’t explain it, he cringed at the thought yet didn’t regret doing it.

he really needed to get out this weekend.

ding.

it was the girl.

she took a look around once again before picking out some lavenders.

“just these?” hyunjin asked for the third time. it felt like deja vu and from the smile after he repeated it seemed to be the same for her.

she nodded.

“i like your tattoo.” he pointed out the tiny heart on the back of her wrist.

“where do you get them done?” he asked out of curiosity hoping he wasn’t pushing a boundary.

“oh! thank you i do them myself.” she smiled pulling up her sleeves. it was covered which also shocked hyunjin. she didn’t seem like the type to have tattoos let alone do them herself.

“wow youre amazing! i’ve been needing to get mine filled in.” he copied he action showing the inked snake wrapped around a tulip.

“thanks, i own the shop across the street if you ever get around to it.” she offered.

“i’ll pop in.” she smiled before grabbing her flowers and walking out.

hyunjin saw the dark shop across the road.

inky

he knew the shop. it was known for being a tattoo shop with a cafe inside.

well fuck the club, hyunjin knew what he was doing this weekend.

thursday

hyunjin felt some sort of excitement waiting for the girl to show up.

he waited and waited his whloe shift but she never came. he didn’t really understand why he was disappointed, he just was. he was outside locking up when he heard tapping off feet.

“youre closed?” hyunjin heard the innocent voice behind him.

“yeah sorry we close early on thursday since i go to see my family.”

she sighed about to walk away when he let out a cough trying to get her attention.

“but i could let you be my last customer?”

she walked around before getting some daisies.

“how long have you worked here?” she asked as hyunjin followed her around the shop.

“hm? idk 6 years?” he thought trying to remember anything from past a month ago. his days were so repetitive he had learnt to forgot nothing important about them.

“6? how old are you?” she asked quite shocked as hyunjin didn’t look older than 20.

“i’m 22 it was my eommas shop i started working here when i was 16.”

the girl nodded.

“how long have you had your tattoos?”

“did my first at 17?” she thought for a moment.

“what was your first?” she placed down her flowers pulling her sleeve slightly to reveal a small F. it was very faded showing how old it must have been.

“i need to redo it.” she rubbed over it in a comforting manner looking at hyunjin.

“hyunjin.” he stuck out his hand. the girl hesitatingly took it. “y/n. well hyunjin i should be going im on my break” she laughed. “hopefully you come round to the shop, have a nice time with your family.” and just like that she was gone.

hyunjin leaned against the wall and sighed.

god what has this girl done to him?

friday

hyunjin sat looking out for y/n. after learning her name last night he couldn’t think of it without smiling slightly. having the put his head down every once in a while to stop the side eyes of old woman trying to buy their plants.

he had dressed up abit today wearing a dress top and some jeans, from the years he’d been working her he couldn’t think of any day he’d dressed in more than what he pulled himself out of bed in. she had entered fairly early around midday but stayed a while to talk to hyunjin.

“do you have anymore more tattoos?” she asked him leaning on the counter sipping some of the slush she’d brought before heading to the flower shop.

“yeah it’s a rose on my back.”

“can i see?” she asked innocently. “ i mean if you want-“

hyunjin thought for a second and instead of answering he turned pulling off his top off his back.

“wow this is so detailed.” she traced her fingers over it making hyunjin shiver and feel like he was burning.

it was an innocent gesture yet hyunjin felt anything but innocent as she dragged her cold delicate finger over his tattooed skin.

she had took small glance spotting his toned abs making her blush but not bringing it up.

he placed his top back on looking at her.

both stunned, neither knowing what to say.

dear diary,

ever had that feeling in your stomach that something is meant to be?

maybe this the universe telling me or maybe i’m overthinking.

what ever it is i am all up for it.

saturday

hyunjin decided today he was going to y/n’s shop after his shift.

and he was planning on asking her on a date.

there wasn’t many customers so he locked up at 9 which was abit earlier than usual. usually hyunjin would go home and watch baking shows until 2 am but today he went the other way and arrived at the black store.

he stepped inside going to the front desk.

“do you have an appointment?” the man sitting in the chair asked. his puppy face looked at hyunjin.

“oh! hyunjin.” y/n walked over in her apron pulling her gloves more on.

“are you here for your fill?” he nodded suddenly feeling a shock of shyness wash over him.

“great! i’ll get to you after i’ve finished with chan.” she gestured to the seats in the cafe area.

“what would you like?” a young boy walked up to him.

“just an iced americano please.”

“jeongin don’t charge him for that.” y/n had shouted from across the room still working on ‘chan’. hyunjin couldn’t help but blush at her giving him a free drink. maybe she felt as he felt for her?

soon enough he was sat in the chair with y/n steadily holding the tattoo needle to his arm. green ink staining his skin. he bite his lip at the sharp pain not wanting to scream infront of the girl he was planning to ask out. it felt like hours hyunjin was staring between his arm and her concentrated face.

one last wipe and she stood up.

“all done! do you like it?”

“it looks great, thanks.” he smiled standing to go pay as he looked over at his tattoo, looking as it did a few years ago.

now was hyunjins time, to ask her.

go on. it’s now or never. he hesitated smiling up at her words drying in his mouth.

but before he could, another tattoo artist walked over.

this one a small blonde man in all black. big brown eyes and heart shaped lips that put hyunjin in awe at his doll like features.

“looks amazing.” he back hugged her giving her a tiny peck on her lips.

“thanks baby.”

baby?

hyunjin felt his heart shatter. dropping from his chest all the way to his stomach but still somehow he pulled himself up trailing his way to the desk to pay.

“felix are you ready to go home?” he heard y/n say across the shop as he was paying. it made his heart hurt more. she didn’t like him, ofc she didnt. who’d ever like a loser who works at his mothers flower shop?

“yeah babe let me just clean my area.” felix, the other tattoo artist walked behind hyunjin taking glance of his arm.

“looks sick mate.” he patted his back, though being much small than him, hyunjin couldn’t help but feel intimidated at him. he must have known his crush on y/n and he was trying to show how she was his not hyunjins.

“thanks.” hyunjin croaked out.

dear diary,

love is a FUCKING lie.

sunday

i would be lying if i said hyunjin didn’t go home and cry last night.

a batch of cookies ate, which he’d made nights prior watching gorden ramsey shout at some lousy business owner. but hyunjin didn’t pay attention to the TV too busy drowning in his tears and tissues.

gosh, he felt like a teenager girl breaking up with her first boyfriend.

he sat tired eyes at the till on his first hour of his shift. even though she’d not left his mind the thought that she’d been in shop every day this past possibly meant she would show up today didn’t cross his mind until the bell rang midday.

y/n.

but she wasnt alone for the first time stepping in the shop. no, she was linking arms with felix.

“look love!” she called out. “this is we’re i got the flowers for your garden.” he heard her say. hyunjin thought his heart died more in that moment.

the flowers were for felix, that red rose he’d given her was probably in the possession of felix now. did she use the same motion giving it to him as he had gave it to her? or that stupid plant pot, that lone plant pot she’d brought the first day coming to the shop. that pot that had sparked hyunjins curiosity seeing a dark attire girl walk into a shop for elderly ladies or pinterest girls, which she’d taken the category of neither.

all for him.

“hyunjin how’s your arm?” she asked going to the till. hyunjin felt pain hearing her voice.

“better it’s not hurting.” he smiled weakly.

he took close look at felix.

he was wearing a baggy white tweety t-shirt showing the small decrotive tattoos scattered on his arm. but caught one in perticulur his attention. a faded y/

he thought back to y/n’s tattoo.

the F must have stood for felix.

meaning they must have been together for a long time.

that hurt hyunjins heart even more. at that point he felt there was only a slight crack left of it, holding on for dear life and false hope that it was all just a sick joke.

“just these please.” she laughed giving him the tulips.

she payed and walked out arm in arm with felix. not bothering to have her usually daily life update instead throwing her hand up waving to him before curling into felix.

dear diary,

maybe i have high standards but why are the best ones always taken?

it’s just me, myself and i.

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tsarcomics · 10 months

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Welcome to TSARCOMICS! We are Kiki & Bri, a couple of gremlins who really love art, fantasy & telling epic stories to each other...and to you! We write and illustrate The Sun Always Rises, a fantasy webcomic about - among other things - a rogue necromancer, a pack of outlaw heroes on the hunt for a missing warrior, a boy assassin, and an ex-explorer-turned-politician who just can't seem to shake off the grasping hands of power no matter where he turns.

And horses. So many horses.

We're excited to announce our official launch TOMORROW (July 9) at 5:00pm MST!! Do you enjoy tales of adventure and strange magics where heartfelt drama and mundane silliness live side by side? Do you love exploring worlds teeming with dramatic landscapes, deeply buried history, rich cultures, and all manner of beauties both fantastical and home-grown? Are you ever just Going Through It and want to relate to some funny little guys getting put through the wringer with their whole worlds at stake before overcoming their struggles through the power of found family, and ultimately find yourself feeling perhaps a bit more hopeful about life than you did before? If so, then same; that's why we've got your back!

This blog is where we will be posting sketches, worldbuilding, character studies, lore, maps, trivia, and more in an ongoing exploration of the world of TSAR. You can also find us on Instagram and on Patreon!

New pages upload free-to-read on our Patreon every Monday at 5:00pm MST. Joining our paid tier at just $3.00 per month will get you early access to new pages on Fridays at 5:00pm MST - and possibly more fun stuff in the future! Updates will be announced here and on our Instagram every week.

We hope you enjoy your read!

#intro post #meet the creators #hello world!#schedule info #artists on tumblr #webcomic

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kayatoastkkat · 1 year

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maybe it's about time I made a post to describe my blog idk i saw others do it

I'll update this as time passes :D for now this post shall exist and you will see it every time you make the decision of clicking on my blog. I think it's meant to make navigating here easier?

giant text wall incoming...

Oook! To start off, some facts about me here!

You can call me Kat, or any variations of my user will do!

I am Singaporean, can speak both English and Chinese fluently (doubt about Chinese though). Also a minor, so take note of that please! I don't mind interacting with people who aren't but if people have a problem with that I'd understand and stop bothering you.

You can use my art, as long as you credit me properly! My ask box is open, as are my dms, so feel free to drop me a message if you don't feel like sending a question where I'll reply and post publicly (actually please do message me please I'm lonely I want to talk pleas-)

Even though this blog is mainly The Glass Scientists, I'm in several other fandoms although I'm massively inactive and contribute nothing to them. Examples include Good Omens, Nevermore (webtoon), Legend of Hei, The Owl House, Amphibia, just usual fantasy adventure stuff mostly.

Enough about me I believe, since you already can tell I love to talk, now here are tags I use!

#my art : for all the art I post, from my digital art I put in time and effort on to silly doodles I drew to stop myself from falling asleep in class

#my shitposts : stuff I post for funsies, usually memes or tired 2am thoughts inspired from my chaos group chat

#kkat's monday rants : for whatever reason, you want to find my rambling and breakdown on each new TGS page. Here they are!

and naturally, anything TGS would go under #the glass scientists, where it forms most of my blog. Do take note this includes reblogs!

#tgs as vines : exactly what it says on the tin. edited by my friend, drawn by me. inspired by Overly Sarcastic Productions' vine series

#the crow house au : simply put, I made a TGS crossover with The Owl House. mostly sketches as I have no solid plot with this au yet, but that might change in the future 👀

#kayatoastdtiys : for my 100 followers DTIYS and its submissions!

#nevermore webtoon : all my fanart for the webtoon Nevermore by Kit Trace and Kate Flynn!

there is #real life stuff . rants and stuff that happened irl go here

Hope you can have fun on my blog! I know I look really gloomy but trust me I am capable of happiness please-

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silent-scribbs · 1 year

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I was on a posting spree minimum on Twitter bc easy on comp So now that portfolio day is passed and stuff is less mess kinda, I can finally slow back down to my normal schedule (Twitter on Mondays and Tumblr on Wednesdays💜)

So that's what I go do! The schedule is in place for me so that I am posting consistently, but not burning/stressing myself out by doing it daily or every other day and having nothing made/done Besides giving me time for art (4 days worth not including day between posting), it also means I can technically have a life outside of the internet XD Even tho I don't since I have no irl friends near and no job and don't drive

This will not stop me from wanting to check my notifs, and also spam-liking 90% of what I see on twitter notifs for ppl I follow bc FOMO (plus I just like all the art I see and such)

Some silly fun stuff

Currently making a comic where my WH sona is introduced and Wally learns about sneks. sorta. It's on paper and one of my phone screens is now 98% not visible, so I can't rlly take a pic. I'll try and make digital version tho bc the paper version won't be 100% 👌

Also I got a list of things I'm gonna be trying to make/do/finish

Minimum 1 animation (I have a wally one that was a test)

Finish digital painting of Wally (and make the apple LESS PEACHY)

Some of my Welcome Home persona sketches

John Doe bc I wanna get back to the boi 💜

Figure out more stuff to animate/draw

Stuff of my OCs ig lmao

Oh I also need to make an official commissions thing -,_-, I'M CONSTANTLY OPEN TO SOMEONE ASKING ABOUT COMMISSIONING ART FROM ME, I just don't have my info out in the open publicly bc the effort required to make images for it (and also I'm worried that I'm either too specific or not specific enough constantly, but that's why ppl ask questions)

You can always request smth tho 👉👈 I'm open to trying new things even tho I'm super perfectionist about stuff

#maki mayhem #Basically if u want me to make smth #we can talk about it first #then deciding on smth #pay part first for sketching out idea #and you can cancel (no refund) ONLY before confirming sketch (which is when start working fully)#But then that's what I'd do if it required serious sketching work. Aka it's a render. Otherwise #bc it's super simple #full pay upfront and I show progress #BUT I'M TOO SCARED SO ONLY SIMPLE DOODLES AND SUCH FOR RN #So like $5 for smth super simple and no color per character or whatever #$10+ for everything else lmao #If you couldn't tell im awkward and anxious I hope that gives it away #art requests open #until I say so/no more #pls spare me

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homeofjonicles · 2 years

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The Jonicles - Entry 11

Note: This is the eleventh entry of The Jonicles, hence why the date does not match when this is being posted. This was written back in June of this year before I started this blog, and there will be errors or developments in how this series was being written. Please enjoy (or don't enjoy) the eleventh entry of The Jonicles!

"Layers on layers of moments we've shared, just like a lasagna created with care.

"The flavours are burning, a new page is turning, and I hope that you'll be there in the end..."

"Goodbye, my friend..."

- Lumpy Touch (Garfield Gameboy'd Complete End Credits Theme)

It is currently 8:20 pm on the 13th of June, 2022. Today is Monday, the day of reckoning, the day of doom. And I'm not having a good day. It is also day #26 of my Jon Arbuckle hyperfixation.

You know, there's something about the Garfield fandom that I really love. For quite a mundane comic about a man, his cat and his braindead dog, there's so much creativity and soul in its fandom. Everything from the silly and shitpost-y stuff like Garfielf, to the more dark, bleak and complex stuff like Garfield Minus Garfield, a personal favourite of mine. It's quite the goldmine of pure, unfiltered fan creativity that people have when it comes to this gluttonous feline that I don't see many fandoms do, and it's really nice, if not also fucking absurd.

But there's one fan work that has and will always be one of my absolute favourites, and that one is Gorefield, or "I'm Sorry, Jon" as more people may know it by. It's such a gem.

It's this terrifying phenomenon that sprouted from the fandom that can be compared to the Zalgo meme (if anyone here is that old to remember THAT meme), and it turns Garfield into this huge, malicious, hungry and horrifying creature that's out to get Jon. Gorefield takes many forms: a spider-like creature that hunts down its prey, a pulsating, bug-like animal that is sometimes attached to Jon or other entities, a huge, endless godlike entity that consumes all and ends all, Gazorpazorpfield, the forms are pretty diverse, and sometimes the monster is even Jon (of whom i always like to see more of).

And I love it. I love this horrific, trippy and even sometimes disgusting alternate timeline to this comic, the way it twists and distorts Jim Davis' characters into freaks and monsters capable of ending the world itself, it's great! I've seen art piece after art piece, comic after comic, meme after meme of this twisted reality and they are all great, they're all horrifying, and some of them got a chuckle out of me. I remember one where Garfield finds this connect the dot book and Jon's playing around with it, and on the last two panels it's seen that Jon's drawing a detailed sketch of a demonic monstrous Garfield with a pentagram, and we see Gorefield himself on the last panel like "Connect the last dot, Jon.". There are so many of them I couldn't even list them here. I just love the idea of Jon being taken hostage and killed by someone he thought was just an ordinary cat but is actually a monstrous and possibly godlike creature.

One of my favourite, FAVOURITE works of Gorefield is Garfield Gameboy'd, a... series? of Gameboy inspired pixel art animations by Lumpy Touch that has Jon being ambushed by many horrific forms of Garfield, having to hide and use the resources he has available to him, and also involves Lyman, Odie, Nermal, Arlene and Liz in its plot. Jon encounters a cat-like beast that bites one of Jon's hands off, and shortly after this event, Jon sets fire to the house and it explodes. Jon survives, but so has Gorefield. Distant sirens go off as they stand before one another, and the world is about to end. The final nuke explodes, and all is over and gone. And yet, Gorefield reemerges, Jon kept safe and warm inside his flesh as he sprouts wings and flies up into the air, declaring Jon is what makes him complete... Complete armageddon, just as Lyman had predicted. Lyman appears out of a pipe in the ground and sits solemnly in the lake as everything around him burns. He is weak, pathetic, he couldn't save them, any of them. He calls out the names of Jon and Odie, the ones who were the closest to him, and with his strength and what I also assume to be radiation, he becomes ripped as fuck, transforming into a Dragon Ball Z character and possessing inhuman powers. "It won't be for nothing." He declares. "I'll make them pay."

... So yeah, this video is great! It's that perfect blend of horror, story and Garfield that I never knew I needed in my life. But there's also one small detail that I think really makes this as special as it is to me, and that's the end credits theme. It's so sad, so melancholy, so tragic. It's... beautiful.

Personally, I see it from Jon's perspective. Reflecting in that moment, standing before the beast he once knew as his cat with the echoed sounds of sirens going off of all the moments he's cherished with Garfield. Like layers of lasagna, his friendship and bond has run so far deep with Garfield, and even when the flavours are burning to the ground, the world is ending with the face of armageddon staring right into Jon's own and the page is taking a new turn, one that he possibly couldn't survive... He still sees Garfield as a friend. Even in this terrifying form that scares and instills fear into Jon to his very core, a form that constantly changes and adapts to its environment, a form that once tried to kill Jon and most likely still will try... Jon still wishes for Garfield to stay with him in the end, and bids him farewell as the world comes to a close, and it all fades away...

It's such a bittersweet end, and the after credits scene only makes it more so. And it just made me care about Gorefield so much more. I love its terrifyingly beautiful and exciting storyline. And that song really topped it off, with those sweet, somber lyrics and the solemn instrumental... The feeling is indescribable. I love this phenomenon, man.

That's all I really feel like saying right now. It's late, I'm most definitely going to fail film class and I'm not feeling good at all mentally, and I really need sleep... As usual, I welcome Jon Arbuckle into my awful mess of a brain with open arms and also welcome him into my dreams as well. Let's hope Gorefield doesn't catch up to ya, okay buddy? Stay safe Jon :)

Last edited at 9:49 pm

Wondering why entries 9 and 10 were skipped? Well, entry 9 is a currently unfinished entry. It contains a fanfic concept that is Gorefield related, but I never ended up finishing it unfortunately and I lost motivation for it. It may be redone or continued when my writing skills improve in the future. Entry 10 is just headcanons that, again, were also never finished. I apologise greatly for the inconvinience and I hope this isn't too disappointing. Fortunately, there shouldn't be any more entries that will be skipped after these ones.

Cheers,

Your Local Jonnoisseur

Posted on the 21st of July, 2022 at 8:30 pm.

#jonicles 11 #ahh man gorefield is awesome dude #like i know it's an older meme but its just so cool and freaky #i love stuff like bizarre body horror and family friendly media made terrifying so this is right up my alley #also the image above is from Gorefield Horrorscopes if you were wondering #also ZALGO does anyone remember zalgo????#zalgo was the shit

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the-whumpening · 1 month

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Meet the Characters Monday #2

James Snyder - Son of Bat

[Image ID: Two sketches on one canvas. On the left is James Snyder, a muscular man with long dark hair, with his arms folded and a smug expression. He has a lip stud and an eyebrow ring, and his facial hair is stubbly. He wears a plain dark t-shirt. On the right is James again, but during his hospital stay. His hair is cut in a short, messy style and his expression is apprehensive and sad. He wears a hospital gown, his piercings are gone, and he has bandages across his shoulder. The whole sketch is in shades of purple. /End ID]

Basic Info:

Name: James Snyder

Age: 25

Birthday: Aug 30 (Virgo)

Height: 6' 6" (198 cm)

Hair: Black

Eyes: Brown

Favorite Color: Purple

Gender ID and Orientation: Aro/Ace, Cis Male. Although he and Molly occasionally engage in some sexual activities, he leans more sex-repulsed in general.

Pronouns: He/him

Other: Extreme perfectionist and musical prodigy; has a traumatic brain injury

What's James’ role in the band? Co-founded the band with Eddie. James is the primary guitarist and writer, responsible for the more advanced and technically complex solos. He also manages the sets and equipment, including overseeing/helping with set-up and tear-down at most shows.

Fun Facts about James:

James is not-so-secretly a huge nerd and otaku. He loves anime and k-pop/j-pop, and he’s so obsessed with his guitar that his friends got him a waifu body pillow of it.

He’s kind of a prodigy in most ways—he’s always been super intelligent, picks up instruments with ease, and excels at weight lifting and boxing.

Buuuut despite his musical talent, he is surprisingly bad at dancing and can only handle basic drumming.

Intentionally hired Cassandra as the band manager because 1) he knew she had the skill for it, and 2) he thought she and Vince would hit it off. He was correct on both accounts.

While it might not be OCD/OCPD exactly, James does struggle with obsessive thoughts and anxiety, which has led him to self harm in the past. Many of his ear piercings were done in self harm.

Biggest Secret: I’ll give two since one is kind of silly and the other is serious but a bit obvious. 1) He has a Prince Albert piercing and a massive dick. Molly is the only one who knows and is sworn to secrecy. And 2) He wishes Vince had been more present and “protected” him from their parents, rather than dissociating and putting up with it. He grows to understand and forgive him for it, but he was really hurt by it for a long time.

(Edit: I just came back to this a couple hours later and I haaaaate this drawing so I'll probably swap this out for a different one at some point)

#son of bat #meet the characters #meet the characters monday #whump writing #whumpblr #whump community #writeblr #not whump #yes james' appearance is heavily inspired by peter steele #i cant help how handsome he is #or my weakness for muscular men with black hair

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adultswim2021 · 7 months

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VACATION

Oh, hello there. Oh, this? I'm just using this online shopping website to look at some birthday cards online. You see, it is my birthday on Thursday, and it's one of the ones where the number has a zero at the end of it, and I'm looking for the perfect card that I can demand my family and friends all buy for me, so I can have "one happening birthday". Finally!

I've taken some time off work, and I'm more-or-less going to dedicate the weekend to taking a couple of day trips and doing some other things I've put off for a while. And, I just realized, this would be much easier if I didn't have to worry about updating this while doing all that. So, I'm taking this week off, effective last night when I was GONNA do a post, but then I realized I didn't have all of my research materials handy, and it took all night to get those things downloaded, and then it was late, and also I wanted to watch seven episodes of "Tanner '88" instead.

So this is my announcement of my intent to not post, probably until next Monday. Some of you might say "that sucks dick", but it's a dick that we all have to suck.

So here's a big Mail Bag post:

In reference to my pondering about Marc Summer's absence in a Robot Chicken sketch about Double Dare:

apparently they did get marc summers for some later episode. i know this because i watched him interview tim heidecker on some webshow/podcast he has and i remember him bragging that he'd been on robot chicken and asking tim if he ever had, and tim kinda going "uhhh, no, i don't think so" lol

LOL. Tim & Eric couldn't be more at odds with Robot Chicken. I am going to guess that when they were younger and much more "punk rock" they probably shit talked them when being interviewed for cool magazines like Time or Zillions.

One time my job hired a guy with whom I had maybe one of the worst personality clashes I ever had (I am a demon from hell and I have zero ability to not show it when I'm annoyed or angry with somebody, sorry to that guy I wish I weren't like this okay), and he got it out of me that I liked Adult Swim and he immediately tried to talk to me about Robot Chicken, and I was like "I don't really watch that show" and he immediately asked "don't tell me you like that Tim & Eric crap!"

whats your favorite thing you bought at a second hand store to make yourself not look like a looky loo

I have a B&W video monitor I bought at a garage sale. It's beautiful, very flipable, but I paid 5 bucks for it and like how it looks. VHS tapes actually look amazing on it. I wanna figure out a way to rig it up with some kind of raspberry pi machine that just loops old cartoons on it or something.

did you do something to the banner? it seems more...expansive.

I tried to get it to display more "properly" because it bothered me how pixelated it looked but I think I sorta fucked it up. I tried to change it back but tumblr's edit feature sucks. I guess I should just do an AI upscale or something. But yes I shittily drew on it to make it look wider, you caught me.

Me love the way you walk sometimes The way you talk is so hot Now you know let’s have a shot of rum Then me can make you come With me to the ocean That would be phat You can be my bow cat Nice ital breeze Bring you to your knees We're jammin'

punani likers everywhere, this one is for us

That's Shenmue 3, dipshit

Dang it, you are right.

Brownies was probably the best episode they did that season and I was surprised they weren't willing to do that style of show for the entire series. It seemed more like what Adult Swim wanted from them?

Something for "da" stoners... as a weed-taker myself., I would have to agree!

When was the last time you POGGED off?

What bitch?

Lol I was being silly telling a stupid joke. Chapotraphouse has the ice cream as his sound bite now.

I tell you this guys, I had a weird dream that Toonami Tom said he would sponsor me I'd have to sell out and let him hold the Adult Swim 2021 brand. And I'd have to suck his dick. It was a disgusting dream. No Tom, I would never do that in real life.

#adultswim2021

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fahadventure · 1 year

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This article is for those, who are struggling every now and then for mastering anything or learning skills, be that something related to sport, music, art or even academics. These are few of the learning skills examples, however, any professional person might find the forthcoming tips quite silly and redundant, but I’m hopeful that my guidelines might bring some lights for the bright amateurs, who are hopelessly roaming around to find the sparkle and potential in them. So, let’s start the art! And you can find the same article in my Blogger website here.

1. Breaking down your goals with target: Running a marathon or even 10 km at stretch on the first day, for anyone can be challenging, but if the same person is told to run 1 km per hour or day with periodical rests and complete the rest of the 9km in the similar fashion, same thing will become much easier for him/her and achievable in shorter time overall. Remember that, it’s very important to have an efficient mindset like this, instead of losing confidence in the beginning to complete a goal. I followed this strict rule, before dancing for the first time, in one of my friend's wedding ceremony. I will tell you more about the technique of learning dance moves at home in one of my next articles.

Right now, I try to cover and upload a song each Thursday every week, so that my passion keeps alive and the songs remain somewhere organized. Generally, on Saturday, I think of the songs I want to play. On Sunday I explore YouTube videos to find the easiest & somewhat ear-soothing versions and shortlist one or two. On Monday I try to master any 1 minute part of guitarplay, that I wish to learn, probably within 1-2 hours at night. On Tuesday, I listen to the song thoroughly so that I can also sing in the same way. Finally and mostly on Wednesday, I try to play guitar and sing simultaneously and if everything seems alright, I film it on the same day so that I can upload on Thursday. So, my 1 minute YouTube short, is actually a result of 6 consecutive nights of thinking and practicing part by part!

2. Dedication and consistency: These 2 things are simply among the most important factors here to learn anything. You must spare some of your time, energy, passion in the form of dedication for mastering anything. After that, just have some consistent, regular practice of those things which will also build your discipline in that particular field as a wise man said: "Practice makes a man perfect!" Learning life skills in school and learning life skills through sports can be termed as inter-related if given proper opportunity to them.

I have achieved few of the very well known degrees and certificates from school, college, universities, online, offline, companies, done sketching, extra and co-curricular activities, sports like cricket and football, excelled in those and I think I did most of these out of curiosity, transformed those into my passions and just kept on practicing on a regular basis. Another thing which is very important to my life is working out and since 2017, I have been executing the practice consistently each week. I’ve been following the similar pattern for learning language online too since the pandemic, during 2020.

3. Maintaining Confidence: Now that your have worked on your targets and consistency, the only thing that might stop you from reaching your goals could be the lack of confidence. A lot of top-professionals have excelled in their field on & off, but didn't lose their temper and confidence as they knew how heavily it would affect their performance. One way of doing it is just enjoy whatever you do and don't think of others, take breaks where necessary and move on again. You will be soon well on your way of succeeding! The reason why it is also called, Form is temporary but class is permanent.

Learning life skills for adults can be of different types but those can be learnt at early age too. I remember learning debating and public speaking just by following the same rule. I used to be nervous initially, looking at the audience and expressing my thoughts but soon I worked on it, turned my weakness into strength and got back stronger to win many more awards later! One secret: I follow the same pattern while playing FIFA 23 with my friends!🤫 I don't win a lot though, but I surely do enjoy how I play and I do get the appreciations for my gameplay.

That's all for today folks on learning skills and some learning skills examples! Learning life skills can be done through sports, music or any other medium and applicable for adults in companies or even in school. I will try to write down more about the factors and skills separately in my next few articles. And you can find the same article in my Blogger website here. Till then, have a look at my YouTube video on learning and let me know if you find these useful!

#learningskills #learningskillsexamples #learninglifeskillsforadults #learninglifeskillsinschool #learninglifeskillsthroughsports #learningdancemovesathome #learningmusictheory #learningsketchupfree

HAPPY LEARNING!

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aygmam · 1 year

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thoughts 9/30/22

i did a lot of things today. i am very tired now at the end of today. i was going to try to make a deal with myself that i could sleep if i catch up in one class first, but i will not be doing that. i remembered the other movie i watched monday — it was the fault in our stars. i was watching it and thinking of the first time i read the book. i cried really hard when i read that book. i think i felt the loss really deeply in a way i didn’t understand. it’s not quite the same feeling now, but it’s in the same genre, i think.

i wrote this essay last year about what i was going to do differently with this loss. it felt weird and hard to write, and not something i wanted to show to anyone for fear of seeming callous or calculating, but the point of the essay i think was to demonstrate like my futile efforts to take control of a process that is so wholly uncontrollable. some things i expected. i tried to joke about it the other day and it felt both freeing and wrong. the joke was “i love my grandfather but could he not have died during a less busy week? say what you want about maya but at least she had the courtesy to die right before fall break”

it’s not my best joke, but i also expected that. i wrote about this, is the weird part. i wrote about trying to make it funny and having to go back when it doesn’t hurt as much to make sure that there’s a punch line. i wrote about this and now i am living it. maybe that means i know myself better than i thought i did. or maybe i just understand myself as a comedian. i like to draw from my personal experiences. i like to joke about things that i cannot talk about otherwise. i like dark humor in the sense that the things i want to joke about are things that are incredibly serious. i want to crawl into the earth. i have had more self destructive urges in the past week than i can remember since maya’s death. but i am trying to be a comedian and a writer so instead of destroying my life and letting myself rot i write down my silly little jokes and i make my silly little analyses of silly little sketches.

this turned into more of a journal entry than my thoughts on humor. but i guess the point is just to write.

#email to karin #grief #personal

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kakairu-reverse-bang · 2 years

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WELCOME TO MOD MONDAYS!

Each week we will be introducing two of our fantastic Kakairu Reverse Bang Mods!

This week will be featuring:

✨ANIMETRASHMUFFIN & BELLS✨

We asked this weeks mods Animetrashmuffin and Bells to share a few words about each other's favorite work!

Animetrashmuffin

Bells’ favorite work of Animetrashmuffin's is...

"I mean this with all my heart, it is a torture to pick out a single work. Animetrashmuffin’s collection is so broad, varying and filled to the brim with the most iconic and emotion tugging work. She can bring both great fluff or great angst in mere moments. It is beautiful”

Genkan-kisses

"If I must chose I will go with this recent work. From the moment I saw the sketches I was floored. It was so tender and passionate. The body language speaking volumes untold. The anatomy the attention to detail given to musculature, and how clothing would move and lay is spectacular. AHHH TOO MUCH TO SAY IN THIS SHORT ALLOTMENT! Last but not least we have to talk about the lighting. It is radiant and makes the mood completely shift. Truly Animetrashmuffin has outdone themselves! This is the art to to look at when you need soft Kakairu vibes to soothe your heart.”

“And I am not done because Animetrashmuffin is infact a double threat.”

Love is a horrible orange scarf

(T, 1.6k, No Archive Warnings Apply)

”This is a short fic but a good one! This fic is hilarious and soft and overall so fun!! I am absolutely in love with how dorky and sweet Kakahsi is around Iruka! I was absolutely hooked when I read this line “Kakashi seemed to wither under the constant onslaught until his eyes met Iruka’s and he seemed to perk up slightly (maybe his hair stood a little straighter but his back definitely didn’t).” Soft in love Kakashi is an absolute yessss! This fic is heartwarming, hilarious, and also has a bonus bit of art. Animetrashmuffin is a multi talented WONDER!!!”

A fun fact about this art from Animetrashmuffin: “Oh good, I was worried I wouldn’t actually have anything to say about this but I do! The lighting on this piece was actually an accident (a happy one) because I was messing with layer modes and flipped my shading layer from dark to light and voila! Super sappy just-back-from-mission feels! Also the brush that I used for the coloring was one that Ciça shared and I love it!"

Ihave-nocontrol- Bells

Animetrashmuffin's favorite work of Bells' is Anko’s Self Care Soirée

(T, 1.6k, No Archive Warnings Apply)

"Not only is it so cathartic to read about someone taking care of Iruka (the man does so much and we love him for it) but it’s also just self-care to read this fic in general. This fic is absolutely feel-good in a way that makes me smile to the point where my cheeks hurt and I’m smothering my giggles with my hand. Bells does so a lovely job of giving you just the right amount of angst to make the fluff HIT SO GOOD. Anyway, it’s short and perfect and I think about Ibiki in this more than I ever thought I would. Who knew T&I heads could be so sweet?"

A fun fact about this fic from Bells: "Ah well you see, this was a kinda a self indulgent fic for myself, but mostly it was an idea formed for my friend Bee who just so happens to share many of the things I adore!! At the time I was coming off what felt like a terrible writing block, so I decided to throw worry aside and quickly write something that was fun!I loved being silly in the fic and my favorite detail had to be Matcha, one of Anko’s beloved and beautiful summons. A not so secret fun fact is, I adore Anko through and through, she will usually appear in some way in my fics, and where there is Anko you can usually find Ibiki! Gosh I love my supporting cast, and adore kkir!

And that concludes the last of our Mod introductions! Hope you enjoyed learning a little bit more about our team! We can't wait to meet you all soon.

Join in the fun! Sign Ups will be live until March 26th!

#kakairu #Kakairu Reverse Bang 2022 #Mod Monday #meet the mods!#animetrashmuffin #ihave-noontrol #SIGN UPS OPEN #last week to join!!!

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rumblelibrary · 3 years

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The Diary of Doctor Laszlo Kreizler

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2

Synopsis: Alienist’s notes are private, sometimes gruesome, secrets of others and of himself.Those pages belongs to secrecy and decadence, have a glimpse to this world made of drafts, notes, accidents and reflections. Or maybe it is you the only person that should ever reach for it.

While you read this imagine Laszlo mostly at the end of his day, scraping the ideas and the thoughts, adjusting previous notes with additions, closing the day behind himself with a couple of sentences while sitting in his evening robe, a good glass of whiskey and his glasses bridged almost at the tip of his nose. Or maybe imagine yourself, you sneaky thing, reach for it from a far shelf.

Word count: 3.5k

Warnings: listen, this is the set of ideas and confessions of a man living in the 1890’s. Most of them will be outdated, rough, even deprecating in some analysis of the roles of men, women and social status, religion, etc.So be prepared, my point is to make Laszlo reflect upon those topics, but to be as faithful as I can to his time. Mention of death, mutilation, self harm and sex. Psychologically troubled young children ahead! Author’s note: The story is placed between season 1 and season 2. Thank you for everyone that encouraged me to keep going. I have to wait for my local drop of serotonin to get fully Laszloed to go through this.

Lyra’s Contellation, Illustration taken from Uranographia by Johann Bode

Routine. Routine is comfort. Habit stabilises the character.

If you follow a routine, you won’t ever be victim of imprudence, of evil jokes of fate. The stability earned through calculated and repeated actions brings a sense of fulfilment that forbids other thoughts to come bashing in, breaking rules, breaking hopes that a solid scheduled routine forbids to have. I take my time to begin this week, I planned the things to do, the next steps for the case, the people to meet, the resources I am allowed to contemplate. I feel good, I feel back to myself and the events of the weekend seem far from me and my own perception. I probably got ahead of myself, carried by some instinctual though and random rush of emotion, to be always in contact with the same people and mostly kids probably doesn’t help my stance in the presence of other adults. I feel silly now reading back the last page, I felt tempted to tear it off, but to keep it there should be a small memento of not losing my temper so easily. I read it over and over and I know I am not as charmed as I thought I was. I am just lonely. I have always been and it is normal to face ups and downs even for a man of my age who is more accustomed to it. To desire a partner is a natural instinct, to find somebody attractive is meant by nature, it is the body calling for the natural fulfilment of the reason we are put on this very Earth. But even in a state of nature my own condition would be forbidding me to be part of the natural process of growing my own kind. I am the type of male that would be excluded because of his impossibility to give the protection to the pack, therefore it is just more reasonable to me to adapt to my condition. No matter what my Potentia generandi might be (the ability to procreate).

With all the smugness that characterises him, Niki showed off that he passed my challenge. But to be really of an help to his antics I didn’t show any kind of surprise. I treated him like he did the bare minimum, like he didn’t prove me any kind of superiority. He has a natural attitude toward challenging the figure of power, he is trying to overpower me, but I won’t satisfy his need. I have noticed he has a very technical brain, he finds ways to solve problems in ingenious way and not by throwing himself into the task. I proceeded giving him to work on a clock, an old broken one we had in the institute, one of the kids hit it with a ball years ago and nobody ever worked on repairing it. I gave him the clock, a couple of screwdrivers and a book. He called me a number of German names I won’t transcribe, but it gave me a certain amount of satisfaction. If my intuitions are right, I am sure the clock will be repaired by next week.

Analysis of the victim’s body through John’s eyes. The drawings and sketches are as detailed as I requested, all of this thanks to you joining him. I deal with art critic section, I am used to notice these things. You assure me, you play yourself low and I wonder why, nevertheless you did notice things neither John or I did, which pleased me. It fooled me, distracted me from my purpose to not give in to your witchery, as I leaned closer watching your pale hand move across the pages tracing this or that line, showing how this must be done with the killer on this side and not that side, with words so deliciously elaborate, your way of composing your speech is compelling, you could sell the drawing of a kid like it was a Botticelli. I noticed the shape of your hands, the way you move them, I wonder if you play an instrument, or played, some habits just stick with you through life. I focused on taking notes, your ideas and instructions giving me a new point of view, a new stimulus. What if that is the only way the killer can communicate? Or what if this is the communication that works for him? Could our killer be mute or deaf? Or that’s how society made him feel? This man, or woman, needs a listener and I am afraid that now, since he got our attention and the public’s, he won’t stop. Another killing could be just as close.

Scheduled: meeting with the parents of Alex Garel for new admission, Monday next week at 11 am. Love at first is a fetish and like all fetishes it is based onto an object that hides a deeper meaning, like gloves mean hands, to love at first sight means to see somebody that you think, and think only, to have the chance to share not only a sensual kind of bond, but an intellectual. Love at first sight is based onto not knowing someone well enough, but having the time to idealise most of that someone. I can see why I feel this attraction, using a particular phrase that Sara often mutters when investigating: you tick all the boxes. I know you do, your beauty is everything but conventional, you’re the kind of face that painters would paint and musicians would write hymns about, but any animal on the street would never be allowed to see. You have the grace of the body and the fire in the eyes, and then you speak. When you speak, I realise, you could bring the world to its knees. Also, you never speak out of context, and if you do it is to ease somebody’s position. You do it often with John or with Stevie, you say something really silly in order to put them back to a place of comfort. Some women would call it self deprecating, but I see that you only pick wisely your fights and your wins. You don’t need to earn your peace and quiet by neglecting, but by lifting up the others. I wonder if you do it with me too, if your silences are just you allowing me to be in a better place while instead your judgment is tearing me apart. I shouldn’t care, but I keep wondering, sometimes I take my time to answer you, I analyse every shade, every peculiarity of your question, I am looking for sarcasm, for a condescending voice, for something to hang on and bare you open. To prove myself you’re not perfect. But deep down I know that you do, you judge me and you do well.

Mother never said so. That’s what one of the girls in my care said today. Ursula. She is tough. Skin as thick as an alligator and the tendency to pull her own hair at night or when under a massive amount of stress, enuresis alongside erratic episodes of mutism. I tried the soft approach, it didn’t work. She is too accustomed to be indulged. Therefore today I pushed her a bit overboard, I teased her over opinions on the female body, the female role, she is only 12, but she is soon to bleed, she knows, I can tell from the way she clenches to her skirts, from the way she looks at me as a threatening figure. I am the incarnation of danger to her. Under her steady silence, I pushed a bit more, asking how her mother taught her to be nice and submissive. Does her mother tells her she is going to be a good wife? The phrase, which I reported at the top of the page, surprised me. What is her mother teaching to her then? What closed her so much, locked her soul away, making a small bird like this choose the silence and the retirement of self inflicted pain over, what? Mankind? Or just Men? Is that even a curse? Should I cure her from a truth that her own mother whispered to her ear one night before bed and made a child decide that the world wasn’t a place to share her time with? Am I the man supposed to teach her that men are worth of trust? In the eyes of modern society, who measures its own value over the modesty of the women, she would be a champion, but at what price? I can’t in any way let her parents bring her back home after our recent meetings. Nevertheless, I have to make up my own mind on how to give her troubled soul ease without making her believe in fables. I, as a man, regard myself not worth of any of the trust they expect me to teach her.

In all of my years practicing with people’s feelings and traumas, I challenged myself to find those same traumas within my own mind. It is a tricky game, terrible, anguishing at times. But it straightens me, the pain of others, the pain of kids mostly, so unadulterated and pure, breaks the curtain between me and the lies that I often surround myself with. Pain is made of method, you can open it up, you can scrutinise it, part it piece by piece dividing it in sectors and, partitions, centre part, side part, heart of the problem. Pain is reliable. Happiness is not. It is random, cruelly sudden, unexpected, it washes over you in such deflecting way only to leave you alone a moment after ashamed and alone. I saw you again today. You were in a table full of what I could only guess as your former university colleagues, I saw pain in you, not heavy but constant. Annoyance, a bit of sadness. Your head titling on side and your eyes drifting on the left, you’re imagining something away from them. A place? An object? Or maybe someone? Your hands play circles at the bottom of the flute of your drink like kids do, your smile only one sided. I don’t see you speak at all, only listen. What could keep your voice down? I almost gulped down my own breath as you looked up and I realised how I must have looked. I was having lunch on my own, in a very private table and even entertaining myself with a newspaper on the side. I wish you didn’t, but you came over, your eyes shining. Did I save you? Or maybe I was just a good excuse to leave that painful meeting behind. Don’t be so nice to me, it is not healthy. Don’t look at me like you expect anything more from me than me listening. I won’t smile back at you, I won’t give you care, attentions or thought. I won’t lean for your perfume, I won’t obsess over that dress you wore, that pin that adorned your neckline keeping your undershirt in place, a silver robin, I remember. I won’t remember the number of the buttons on the side of your glove, three. I won’t observe the little moles just under your ear. A small constellation, I later realised, hidden between your ear and the beginning of your neck. I don’t need to check in my books. It is a constellation. It is Lyra. Why? Why you must be like this? Are you the Lyra? Are you the instrument of Orpheus come to me to drag me out of Hell? The Tartarus holds my soul and you should know already, I am not worth the quarter part of Eurydice to be saved and she never came back anyway. I won’t be now recollecting the way your teeth sunk in the inner side of your cheek when you apologised for the annoyance. You apologised twice, I ignored you both times with a raised hand to request peace and silence. I am not letting you in.

Reserved: Tickets for Wednesday’s evening Traviata by Giuseppe Verdi. The guest female lead promises a beautiful show.

Leonardo, as I am learning through Paul Valery essay, is who I would define as a figure of projective identification of the Subject or, to better explain it, of the knowledge of the Subject that formed and grew through the use of sketches in the experience of the Artist. I have always thought that the finest form of art was the representation of knowledge duly undressed by any personal identification. Leonardo, instead, proceeded to represent the figure through the essence of the artist, a representation technically unlimited on objects and symbols and that keep expressing the transformation and development of Leonardo’s own being.Some artists are testimony of the destruction of the world, of the loss of eternal beauty over decadence. And then you have Leonardo, who creates an art that is the gravity of the world’s system, of the nature, of thoughts and abstractions. I wonder if our killer does the same, if the way they presents the victim through their own personal view, if what we can read there it is their stories, their pains, their needs. Their happiness and troubles. What are they trying to tell me? I need to know, I need to know to save a life, of course, but I also need to know to be able to sleep at night. Hair, hair are the epitome of femininity in any era. I keep studying Ursula and her habit to pull the. I took notes on it: she picks them by the bottom, slowly separates them until she gains an amount her mind defines satisfactory and then she rolls her finger and pulls, she does it until her finger is empty and there are no hair left. I find her process incredibly interesting. In men’s case the display of physical attributes is not as vital, a beard can be appreciated but does not modify the power of seduction of a grown man. On the contrary, for women hair are a vital part of their attractiveness toward the opposite sex, society sees the hair of a woman as part of their vital characteristics, also in ancient times for a woman to cut her hair or have her hair cut was a sign of deep separation from the society. Only heroines or whores wore that mark and the association of the two is so rooted into the way society always parted the role of a woman in two that it is nauseating to think of. I am still fearing to let Ursula go away, the repulsion that she is showing toward her own body makes it difficult even for me to crack her shell open as a man, but my deepest worry is when that hate will take a scarier and deeper tool on her. How a girl with such a fear of what her body can do, like sex or pregnancy, can endure in the future to have an husband? Or even to be courted by anyone?

John is helpless and I admire him for that. He doesn’t hide it, he just is. He is vulnerable and exposed, he is an open well bursting with doubts and feelings and troubled waters. He is genuine in a way I could never be. Maybe that’s why I despise even more him talking about you, how he sees you every morning, how you greet everybody, how you behave even with interns, how you like your coffee. Your talents, your wits, how you said this and acted like that and reasoned through him. How you forbid him to drink even when he felt tempted. How you stayed late over to help him collect all the informations I requested him to get. To him. Not to you. The evil demon of envy scratching in the back of my head screaming like a siren out in the sea, he demands to be heard, he demands to be allowed a part in this game. I won’t allow him that. I won’t allow myself any of that. This is a pure game of chess, if I give in a pawn now, I will lose my knight, and I know it. I advice him to not be so closed minded when he praises you, only to get surprised by the charms of a natural logical mind. I find a way to hurt him, he is an easy target, I look at him as his eyebrows twitch and he summons his patience on me. He lost the plot about you already, his bruised pride taking over. You won’t come into my life.

“Un dì, felice, eterea, mi balenaste innante, e da quel dì tremante vissi d'ignoto amor.” (“On a day, happy and ethereal, you appeared in front of me and from that day, trembling, I lived on an unknown love”)

The words of Alfredo in the first act of the Traviata keep running through me, a chant that won’t let me go, almost painful. The Opera House, that was my hiding place, a place where in plain sight I could let out myself, unleash. The catharsis of the characters involved running through me, I didn’t need anything but their voices and those musical instruments to let out my fears, doubts and anger. When Alfredo came to the scene tonight, the lights were strong and slightly pinkish, the performer bursting out of the seams with passion. My eyes diverted only to see you there. Alone. Those blinding lights gave you the the radiance of a vision singing the notes of greek myths and heroes, that dark blue evening clothing rang through my eyes like it was a bright yellow, the little shiny details that adorned you so clear against the heavy lighting to look like transparent pieces of water collected to adorn your beauty. I wasn’t me, but Alfredo, and I was helpless against you sitting so far and yet too close from me. I was naked in front of thousands. I am aware of the effect you have on me and our last conversation was barely regarded as one. This is infatuation, this is the pure work of a lonely mind and not something worth of any of all the words that I am dissipating here. Yet. I saw you cry at the climax of the opera, Violetta, the protagonist, heartbroken falling on stage consumed by pain and regret for her lost love and ultimate sacrifice. Your eyes shone as you tried to hide the tears and collect yourself. Through my binoculars, I saw your throat tremble and gulp down something more than just a sigh of pain. Your jaw clenched, your gloved hand moves to hide your shaking lips. I reckon, I have never seen such sad lips look more inviting. You look at the wall on your side breathing through your nose and not even that can save you by the strength of the voice of the soprano. You’re defeated and so you brought a fine silk handkerchief to your eyes, your shoulders bent inward in self defence. The Opera won. It won you like it always wins me. I wonder if you felt like this because of a past lover, somebody that broke your heart and made you feel wrong in any way. And because of that little wonder it is even more clear to me why I am a man worth of no trust. Because for a moment, I know, I wished to be the one that broke your heart. That gave you just the pain you’re inflicting on me so mercilessly by offering intoxicating kindness and beauty. To own your thoughts, tears and shame. To be the one man you have to look away from. I want to own all of that and, maybe, I will be freed of you the day you’ll be just another human being that hates Dr Laszlo Kreizler.

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